Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1: Great Day, Great Day, Great Day. Welcome to the R Spot.
Speaker 1: I am your host, your guide, your support for today
Speaker 1: as we take a look through, a look at, a
Speaker 1: look over all things relationships and today we are doing
Speaker 1: something very interesting. You know, medical professional or the coroner
Speaker 1: will perform an autopsy after a death to determine what
Speaker 1: caused the end of the life. Now, this information can
Speaker 1: be very helpful and determining whether it was foul play,
Speaker 1: if there was a potential disease on the loose, if
Speaker 1: there was poison, if the death resulted from arson, homicide, murder.
Speaker 1: It can be very interesting to kind of pinpoint the
Speaker 1: exact moment and cause of a death. Now, of course,
Speaker 1: in a physical death, that's a very very serious matter.
Speaker 1: But today we're talking about the death of relationships. What
Speaker 1: is it that caused a relationship to end? Because, like
Speaker 1: a person, a relationship is a living, breathing thing, and
Speaker 1: they are our lives involved. And when a relationship is over,
Speaker 1: we grieve, we mourn, sometimes we act out. But today
Speaker 1: we're going to do a relationship inventory so that we
Speaker 1: can find out what brought this living thing to the end,
Speaker 1: what brought the end of the relationship, And we're going
Speaker 1: to do some autopsies to see if we can determine
Speaker 1: how these relationships met their demise. We're going to examine
Speaker 1: to see if there was a cause, if there was
Speaker 1: an issue, and if there was a culprit. Greetings beloved,
Speaker 1: and welcome to the R spot. I understand that you
Speaker 1: have a relationship that's no longer with you and you
Speaker 1: would like to do an autopsy trying to understand the
Speaker 1: cause of the demise. So tell me. Tell me about
Speaker 1: the end of your relationship.
Speaker 2: Well, the end of my relationship. It really ended with
Speaker 2: me being in jail last Christmas, away from my three children.
Speaker 2: Oh Lord, after I was assaulted by one he choked me.
Speaker 2: I called the police for help and somehow I ended
Speaker 2: up in handcuffs, And to this day I'm still upset.
Speaker 1: About me and somehow you ended up in What does
Speaker 1: that mean? Somehow you ended up in handcuffs.
Speaker 2: They asked him what happened, and I gave my version
Speaker 2: of the story, which was what happened. We were having
Speaker 2: a discussion and kind of argued a little bit, and
Speaker 2: he ended up jumping on top of me and choking me,
Speaker 2: telling me he was going to end my life. So
Speaker 2: I ended up calling nine one one and he left
Speaker 2: the home, and then he came back a little later
Speaker 2: and they interviewed him, and I finally saw exactly what
Speaker 2: he told them when I got the body cam footage.
Speaker 2: But he told them that we were arguing and when
Speaker 2: he tried to get up and leave, I scratched him,
Speaker 2: and he had scratches on his arm, of course, because
Speaker 2: when I was being choked, I was trying to get
Speaker 2: away from him. So they came placed me a handcuff
Speaker 2: on December twenty second of last year, and I spent
Speaker 2: four nights in jail, missing Christmas.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, was that the first time that y'all
Speaker 1: had fought?
Speaker 2: A month before? That was the first time we were arguing.
Speaker 2: I was standing about three steps off the porch and
Speaker 2: he pushed me, and that was the first time he
Speaker 2: had put hands on me. And I was very shocked
Speaker 2: about that, and I didn't leave, but I also stayed
Speaker 2: through a whole bunch of mess. So my story could
Speaker 2: go on for another hour if I had time.
Speaker 1: But do you understand that by the time he put
Speaker 1: his hands on you, the relationship was already over.
Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am, I understand that. Now we've been always from
Speaker 2: each other for a year now or so.
Speaker 1: Okay, was this your husband or no?
Speaker 2: It was not my husband. One who jumped in my
Speaker 2: DM on social media, real polite and presenting himself in
Speaker 2: such a way where I felt for the representatives.
Speaker 1: How long were you together?
Speaker 2: Fifteen months?
Speaker 1: Fifteen months? Yes, and you're talking about you went through
Speaker 1: a lot of a lot of stuff. Oh, do tell
Speaker 1: spill the tea, girls, spill the tea.
Speaker 2: I mean, in the very beginning, it was it was nice,
Speaker 2: you know, everything was what I wanted it to be.
Speaker 2: I was almost feeling like it was too good to
Speaker 2: be true type thing. And you know, one night his
Speaker 2: doorbell rang and there was a woman there, and he
Speaker 2: stayed down there and talked for a minute, and I
Speaker 2: ended up going, you know, checks he what was going on,
Speaker 2: and I went back upstairs and I said I was
Speaker 2: leaving but I ended up staying with him foolishly because
Speaker 2: we had just started dating, so it was like a month,
Speaker 2: and so I said, Okay, I'm gonna just let it
Speaker 2: lie this with someone who you used to talk to,
Speaker 2: and she just showed up. I let it go, and
Speaker 2: I shouldn't have, because just things continued, from him talking
Speaker 2: to other women, talking about me to other women, sending
Speaker 2: nudes of himself to other women. I mean he tried
Speaker 2: to solicit a prostitute one time. Yes, wait a.
Speaker 1: Minute, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up? And
Speaker 1: what does that mean? He tried to solicit a prostitute?
Speaker 1: What does that mean?
Speaker 2: From what I saw, I don't think it actually happened.
Speaker 2: But he had gone out of town for just twenty
Speaker 2: four hours, and when he came back, he asked me
Speaker 2: to get his phone and order us some food if
Speaker 2: he fell asleep. So he fell asleep and I go
Speaker 2: to start ordering food. But I decided that I'm going
Speaker 2: to go and check his text messages, and when I look,
Speaker 2: i'd feel like twice is being thrown out, and I'm like.
Speaker 1: What are you looking for? How much?
Speaker 2: So I'm thinking he trying to buy some weed or something.
Speaker 2: I don't know, and then I look at four o'clock
Speaker 2: in the morning, and so I see that. The person says,
Speaker 2: you know, I hope you don't mind, but I'm a midget.
Speaker 2: And he says, I'm fine. And there's a picture that
Speaker 2: sent and what wait.
Speaker 1: Wait, wait, wait a minute. You drop all of this
Speaker 1: these tea bags in my lap and you just keep
Speaker 1: on going.
Speaker 2: Yes, it's a little person.
Speaker 1: I'm not laughing, Yes I am.
Speaker 2: I mean I'm laughing now because I can't. I can
Speaker 2: do that now. So it's okay.
Speaker 3: If other people last a month.
Speaker 1: And you saw signs of a disease, yeah, yeah, mm hm,
Speaker 1: and you continued on, that's like you know, somebody has
Speaker 1: the measles and you go lay up in the bed
Speaker 1: with them.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: So you said a month in you saw the first
Speaker 1: red flag.
Speaker 2: Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: Beloved, the cause of the death of this relationship was
Speaker 1: an untreated illness. Yeah, you saw that early on and
Speaker 1: continued to act like it wasn't a fever.
Speaker 2: I want to look back now. I get very angry
Speaker 2: at myself for a lowing No, no, that's not angry.
Speaker 1: Here's the question. What were you trying to get and
Speaker 1: what did you settle for? What were you really trying
Speaker 1: to get?
Speaker 2: I was trying to get a man who loved and
Speaker 2: appreciated me for me, and that's what he presented, just
Speaker 2: very early on. But then he would you know, these
Speaker 2: things would happen, and I just kept making excuses for them,
Speaker 2: and so I ended up settling for someone who treated
Speaker 2: me well sometimes and treated me like crap most of
Speaker 2: the time.
Speaker 1: So you wanted a man who loved and appreciated you
Speaker 1: a month and he didn't. Yeah, but a month in
Speaker 1: you knew that. So this relationship died from an untreated illness.
Speaker 1: But the illness is yours, not his. He was just
Speaker 1: doing what he do.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: The question becomes what inspired you motivated you to dishonor
Speaker 1: your intuition to disregard what you knew and felt to
Speaker 1: be true. Was it a fear that he was the
Speaker 1: last one that you couldn't have what you wanted. There's
Speaker 1: a lesson in there for you that sent you to therapy.
Speaker 1: This relationship is not what sent you to therapy. The
Speaker 1: disappointment in yourself for choosing him is probably what sent
Speaker 1: you to therapy.
Speaker 2: I agree.
Speaker 1: So where are you now.
Speaker 2: Right now? I'm in a very healthier mental space. I'm
Speaker 2: not dating. I don't want to date. I'm still, you know,
Speaker 2: trying to figure myself out, learning my boundaries and learning
Speaker 2: what I will tolerate and what I won't. Of course,
Speaker 2: you know, men approach me all the time, and even
Speaker 2: the slightest little bit of disrespect in them trying to
Speaker 2: even talk to me, and I'll just stop talking to
Speaker 2: them all together. So I'm just I'm very respect from me,
Speaker 2: distrust me. I feel like a man is disrespecting me
Speaker 2: when he's trying to talk to me. And I'll just
Speaker 2: use an example as a guy that did this to me.
Speaker 2: We were having a general conversation about just regular stuff.
Speaker 2: I think at one point we were talking about our kids,
Speaker 2: and then out of the blue, he just says, send
Speaker 2: me some masturbation pics or videos.
Speaker 1: I know you have some. Okay, that's not disrespectful, that's inappropriate.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well inappropriate, but I thought it was disrespectful towards me,
Speaker 2: and so I just I told them that both of
Speaker 2: those things.
Speaker 1: No, you know, guys are going to push and you know,
Speaker 1: we live I don't know how old you are, but
Speaker 1: we're living in a real different time. Those kinds of
Speaker 1: things go along with the social media and the quick hit.
Speaker 1: But you may be throwing away, you know, a nice
Speaker 1: piece because you're all adjusting to different places. There's another
Speaker 1: way to possibly deal with that.
Speaker 4: Mm hmm.
Speaker 2: I guess for I mean, I can agree with that.
Speaker 2: I guess for me, I just felt like, I don't.
Speaker 2: I don't. I don't want to engage in that type
Speaker 2: of conversation. And I was very adamant about that, you know,
Speaker 2: when we first started speaking, you know, I just I
Speaker 2: just didn't feel like when I when I hear someone
Speaker 2: say that to me, I just initially think that all
Speaker 2: they're thinking about is wanting to have sex with me.
Speaker 2: And that might be true, yeah, but I just feel
Speaker 2: like it's the time to do that. And very early on,
Speaker 2: in like two weeks of speaking to me, I just don't.
Speaker 2: I don't appreciate it. So I just won't talk to
Speaker 2: them anymore.
Speaker 1: Well, why couldn't you say to him, tell me why
Speaker 1: you think it's appropriate. Well, you to say that to me,
Speaker 1: and you hardly know I did.
Speaker 3: I said that.
Speaker 2: I said that almost he just he laughed off and
Speaker 2: said he was just joking, which I know a lot
Speaker 2: of guys do that. Whenever you don't respond to what
Speaker 2: they're throwing out if they want to say as a joke.
Speaker 2: And I just told him, you know, I don't feel
Speaker 2: it was a joke, and don't joke with me that way.
Speaker 2: You know, I was very I was trying to communicate
Speaker 2: to him in a way to let him know that
Speaker 2: what he said offended me. I asked him why he
Speaker 2: would think that I would be receptive to that, and
Speaker 2: he just kind of kept laughing at off. So then
Speaker 2: I already knew that, Okay, you won't even try to
Speaker 2: understand where I'm coming from.
Speaker 1: So well that the fact that he was laughing, that's
Speaker 1: disrespectful because he should have. If he didn't take the
Speaker 1: clue that he had somehow offended you, then he's off
Speaker 1: the mark. Back to mister push you off the porch.
Speaker 1: He was a symptom, not a cause. We'll talk about
Speaker 1: that when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot.
Speaker 1: Let's pick up where we left off. I'm doing this
Speaker 1: autopsy and so I'm gonna up open you up. I'm
Speaker 1: doing it on you, okay, even though I'm doing it
Speaker 1: on the relationship. So I'm gonna open you up. And
Speaker 1: what I see, oh, in the heart valves. There's some
Speaker 1: sadness that hasn't really been addressed. There's some trust stuff
Speaker 1: that hasn't really been addressed. That's kind of infecting. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's just the pancreas over here. Yeah, maybe it's the liver.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, Oh I see, Oh I got some worth
Speaker 1: issues over here. M hmm yeah, worth, trust and sadness.
Speaker 1: There's a heartbreak that you have that you never ever
Speaker 1: dealt with. You learned how to move on, but that
Speaker 1: thing has been what what is that word that they use,
Speaker 1: it's it's been in there festering for a long time.
Speaker 1: Does that make sense to you? Yes? I am. Oh,
Speaker 1: so what happened was because you hadn't dealt with those
Speaker 1: things and they metastasized and you're trying to live beyond them.
Speaker 1: But I want to encourage you to go back to
Speaker 1: the first heartbreak. Now I'm not clear just looking at
Speaker 1: your pancreas in your heart and your living those kinds
Speaker 1: of things. I'm not clear if they broke your heart
Speaker 1: or if you broke their heart. But between the sadness,
Speaker 1: the trust, and the worth issues, there's a long, hard
Speaker 1: vein of unforgiveness. Makes sense? Yes, So this mister push
Speaker 1: you off the porch. He just came to kick it
Speaker 1: up so that you could see it. Clean it up,
Speaker 1: get a clean bill of relationship health so that you
Speaker 1: can go on and get what it is that you den'sire,
Speaker 1: which is a man who loves and respects you just
Speaker 1: as you are for who you are. He wasn't the problem.
Speaker 1: He wasn't this was he was a learning tool. Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: Because you can't have what you want the man who's
Speaker 1: gonna love him, accept and respect you. You're going to
Speaker 1: keep attracting these gutter snipes who want masturbation pictures, you know,
Speaker 1: until you clean up the sadness to trust and the
Speaker 1: worst and unforgiveness of clean that up for you.
Speaker 2: How old is that wound?
Speaker 1: How old is that wound?
Speaker 2: Uh have of my whole life?
Speaker 1: You have children?
Speaker 2: I have three, two daughters and the son.
Speaker 1: And how are your daughters doing?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 1: My lord, yes, I know. That's why I asked the question.
Speaker 2: They're good kids, they're good girls. They're just they're getting
Speaker 2: into things and trying to find their way, and I'm
Speaker 2: trying to, you know, keep them on a path that
Speaker 2: does not involve self destruction. So I'm working on that
Speaker 2: their dad is present, but I pretty much take care
Speaker 2: of everything. So and that's a lot, especially because they're teenagers.
Speaker 2: My daughters are seventeen and fifteen, and then my son
Speaker 2: is thirteen, and I don't really know how to deal
Speaker 2: with him because he's a boy.
Speaker 1: All right, I want to give you your prescription, okay,
Speaker 1: because if we did this autopsy, I got to tell
Speaker 1: you my findings. Okay, you have an untreated You have
Speaker 1: an untreated illness of sadness, trust and unworthiness mm hmm.
Speaker 1: That has metastasized and is infecting your desire to be
Speaker 1: a loving, intimate, rest, respectful, safe, safe partnership with somebody.
Speaker 1: Safety is a thing for you too. Yes, So I
Speaker 1: want you to go get a copy of Forgiveness forty
Speaker 1: days to forgive everyone for everything, and it's going to
Speaker 1: help you forgive thoughts, forgive beliefs, forgive people, particularly your
Speaker 1: mom and dad, and forgive yourself. You can do an
Speaker 1: exercise every day. It could take you forty days to
Speaker 1: get through that book, or it could take you four years.
Speaker 1: It really depends, okay, And my discharge instructions for you
Speaker 1: and you sit you in the relationship, er get your
Speaker 1: focus off of that relationship. That thing is that was
Speaker 1: just a false read. And really talk with your therapist
Speaker 1: if you're still in therapy about the sadness, yeah, and
Speaker 1: the worth stuff. Really talk with him about Okay, you know,
Speaker 1: go back and tell that story where your heart first
Speaker 1: got broken, because that's what you're carrying. Okay, So take
Speaker 1: your medicine and no dating some of this malignancy cleared out.
Speaker 4: I agree.
Speaker 2: I am not dating.
Speaker 1: No, and I'm not telling you four or five years.
Speaker 1: I'm talking, you know, until you get some of this
Speaker 1: malignancy cleaned out. And what's malignant in you is the
Speaker 1: belief that you can't have what you want. That's what
Speaker 1: you're spreading, the belief that you can't have what you want.
Speaker 1: And it goes all the way back to that first heartbreak.
Speaker 1: I think it may have been more than one, but yeah,
Speaker 1: so go back there and do that.
Speaker 2: Okay, Okay, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Okay, thank you, my love, thank you, Okay, bye bye.
Speaker 1: So often we focus on the symptoms and either treating
Speaker 1: or ignoring them, that we forget to look for the
Speaker 1: cause of the illness or the root of the infection.
Speaker 1: And untreated illnesses, untreated diseases, untreated hurts and wounds, they
Speaker 1: will attract partners that will trigger them up, that will
Speaker 1: stick their finger right into the very thing that hurts you.
Speaker 1: So the key here is doing a relationship autopsy is
Speaker 1: very important because you want to understand what little kooties
Speaker 1: could be hiding in the crevices of your mind and
Speaker 1: your heart. You want to clean that bacteria out, what
Speaker 1: happened before, what hurts you before, what you thought about before,
Speaker 1: what they did to you before, Clean that bacteria out
Speaker 1: so that you don't attract people who will trigger those
Speaker 1: things up. Oh, I think it's time to do another
Speaker 1: autops Greetings and welcome to the R spot. We are
Speaker 1: doing relationship autopsies today. So I understand you have a
Speaker 1: relationship that is no longer with you. Yes, how did
Speaker 1: the thing die?
Speaker 3: Well, if I'm being honest, it died a long time ago.
Speaker 3: But the final straw for me was a few months ago.
Speaker 3: He made the decision that he was going to leave
Speaker 3: his nine to five job and go to school. And
Speaker 3: I was very concerned about that because we had just
Speaker 3: gotten back into a place where we were on top
Speaker 3: of our bills and our financial responsibilities, and I myself
Speaker 3: had just started a new job, and I was afraid
Speaker 3: that I wouldn't be able to handle the full responsibility
Speaker 3: of the finances if he left his job to go
Speaker 3: to school. Now, he had the option to go to
Speaker 3: school on the weekends and still work during the week,
Speaker 3: but he wanted to go during the week, so, you know,
Speaker 3: we argued about it back and forth, and I guess
Speaker 3: finally I just said, well, dude, you're going to do
Speaker 3: whatever you want to do now. He did make a
Speaker 3: promise that he would pick up another side gig, like
Speaker 3: an Amazon Flex type of job, and he would do
Speaker 3: that to supplement the income so that we can continue
Speaker 3: to pay the bills on time. And he did that
Speaker 3: for a few weeks, and then slowly he stopped doing that.
Speaker 3: I never seen the certification of him actually finishing school.
Speaker 3: And this is the type of thing that happened throughout
Speaker 3: the eighteen years of our relationship on and off.
Speaker 4: Yes, eighteen years, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: And you said, how long ago did it die? This
Speaker 1: dead thing laying around yea from year, one year, ten year,
Speaker 1: when did it actually die? Take a breath and ask yourself,
Speaker 1: I know my relationship died.
Speaker 3: When I know my relationship died when I realized in
Speaker 3: the first year that he had no and was not
Speaker 3: willing to really have a connection with my mine. My
Speaker 3: son at that time was a year old when we
Speaker 3: first got together. Now connection with your son, no real connection, no,
Speaker 3: no nurturing in the way that a man or a
Speaker 3: father is supposed to be with a child. And I
Speaker 3: blame myself because I noticed.
Speaker 1: No blame, no blame, no blame. Okay, let's not blame,
Speaker 1: because that's not helpful, and that is that is going
Speaker 1: to increase the disease. Okay, and living in a dead
Speaker 1: thing for eighteen years.
Speaker 2: I have my.
Speaker 1: Inquiry, and it's curiosity, not to beat you up.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: My inquiry is, why would you stay with a man
Speaker 1: who had no connection with your son? What did you
Speaker 1: tell yourself?
Speaker 3: Well, I told myself that as long as he wasn't
Speaker 3: physically abusing my child or sexually abusing my child, and
Speaker 3: you know that it was okay. As long as I
Speaker 3: could trust him with my child, as far as the
Speaker 3: abuse part of it was concerned, then we could work
Speaker 3: on everything else. You know, we could work on building
Speaker 3: a relationship between him and my son. And I tried
Speaker 3: many times and It just never seemed to connect. It
Speaker 3: never really happened.
Speaker 1: Well, what about emotional abuse? Because to not be wanted?
Speaker 1: And if he was there, it was your son's father
Speaker 1: in his life. No, so the father wasn't in his
Speaker 1: life bring this man into his life with no heart
Speaker 1: to heart, soul to soul connection. Did you consider that
Speaker 1: as emotional abuse? I wanted to be rejected, to be discounted,
Speaker 1: to be diminished.
Speaker 3: No, I didn't. I didn't know that that was considered
Speaker 3: emotional abuse until later years when I realized that not
Speaker 3: only was it emotional abuse for my son, but there
Speaker 3: was emotional abuse towards myself as well.
Speaker 1: So we'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome
Speaker 1: back to the art spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
Speaker 1: You stayed in a dead thing for seventeen years. What
Speaker 1: did that look like? Spill a tea, girl, What did
Speaker 1: that look like?
Speaker 3: There was a lot of break up and getting back together.
Speaker 1: Instability. That's that's a cause of death. Instability. Go ahead?
Speaker 3: What else he had proposed to me? Three times? And
Speaker 3: the first two times I.
Speaker 1: Told no, lack of lack of commitment, that's a cause
Speaker 1: of death. I had. What else?
Speaker 3: I just I was always on the inside feeling like
Speaker 3: I deserve more, that I wanted more, and that I
Speaker 3: wanted something different.
Speaker 1: Settling for less than you want, settling for lessen that's
Speaker 1: a that's a disease that will rock the thing from
Speaker 1: the inside out. Settling for less than you want? Mm hmm,
Speaker 1: what else? Go ahead?
Speaker 3: And I feel as though anything that he did, little
Speaker 3: or small would trigger me to say spiteful things or
Speaker 3: to get into some type of an argument with him.
Speaker 1: And lord, you wasn't infected by the foul lip monster. Yes,
Speaker 1: when a woman lets the foul lip monster bite her lip,
Speaker 1: oh my lord, that's just gonna spread disease everywhere.
Speaker 3: I told myself that, you know, it would get better,
Speaker 3: and there would be times where it would be better
Speaker 3: for a little while, but it was always temporary. I
Speaker 3: feel as though I became lazy and complacent within the relationship.
Speaker 3: I would allow things that I should have spoke up about.
Speaker 3: I would let him go and I wouldn't say anything
Speaker 3: about them, and it would just.
Speaker 1: Like disability such as such as what come on, spility,
Speaker 1: come on with Jina? We down in the nerves. We
Speaker 1: got to do this autopsy. We got to look at
Speaker 1: every cell, every atom, every more organ, every tissue, every muscle, spillity,
Speaker 1: go ahead, what you'd let go?
Speaker 3: Let go of the things that he would do that
Speaker 3: I would forewarn him about prior to and let him
Speaker 3: know that, you know, this is going to affect us.
Speaker 3: And I would still go along with him making those
Speaker 3: bad decisions, and then you know, I would have to
Speaker 3: be the person to clean it up, and then I
Speaker 3: would be mad at him and we would you know,
Speaker 3: argue and fight about that. I didn't speak up about
Speaker 3: the way that he did his own children outside of
Speaker 3: our relationship. I noticed that he was not connected to
Speaker 3: any of his children out So he had three children
Speaker 3: outside of our relationship prior to our relationship, and I
Speaker 3: tried to get him involved with them, and he wouldn't,
Speaker 3: and you know, it was always some type of excuse
Speaker 3: or he would always shut me down and I would
Speaker 3: let that go. There were so many things that I
Speaker 3: would let go him, you know, getting fired from jobs
Speaker 3: or quitting jobs, or lying about going to work and
Speaker 3: not really going to work, even though I would know
Speaker 3: that he was lying, and I wouldn't say anything, and
Speaker 3: I would let it go, or I would wait until
Speaker 3: it built up and then I would say something, I
Speaker 3: would explode and there would be an emotional heaviness on
Speaker 3: me and I would have to release it and tell
Speaker 3: him what was going on. But by then he seemed
Speaker 3: to be really unaware of what was going on, because
Speaker 3: time had passed and things had went on, and I
Speaker 3: guess he thought everything was okay. There were so many
Speaker 3: things that I lied to myself about. I lied to
Speaker 3: myself about the fact that I was happy in the
Speaker 3: relationship when I wasn't happy.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 1: Wow, Wow, you are really really clear about the depth
Speaker 1: of the disease that infected and killed this relationship. I
Speaker 1: want to go all the way back to the beginning
Speaker 1: eighteen years ago, when you recognized.
Speaker 2: That he.
Speaker 1: Couldn't connect with your son, or didn't connect with your son,
Speaker 1: and you stayed in the relationship someplace in you, maybe
Speaker 1: between your little toe and your other toe, or maybe
Speaker 1: on your lower eye lid, right under there where the
Speaker 1: lashes are little, teeny fine lashes. Yes, were you trying
Speaker 1: to make him into what you wanted him to represent,
Speaker 1: which was a father for you? Okay?
Speaker 3: Yes?
Speaker 1: So did you ever accept him for who he was?
Speaker 1: I mean, did you respect him? Did you require him
Speaker 1: to be responsible. Were you just trying to you? Did
Speaker 1: you did respect him?
Speaker 3: I did.
Speaker 1: Well before you put your foot in your mouth and
Speaker 1: then you have your toe stuck between your teeth. You're
Speaker 1: telling me you respected a man that you live with,
Speaker 1: share the bed with, share a home with, who wouldn't
Speaker 1: connect with your son. You respected a man who didn't
Speaker 1: connect with his children and who didn't connect with your son.
Speaker 1: You respected him.
Speaker 3: Well, I guess what I should be saying is that
Speaker 3: I was respectful to him, now that you have put
Speaker 3: it in.
Speaker 1: Except me, except when the file lip monster got you
Speaker 1: and you said vindictive little things. When your file lip
Speaker 1: monster got you, then you lost.
Speaker 3: Okay, yes, yes, correct, So in actuality, I didn't respect him,
Speaker 3: and I didn't realize that during the relationship. I really didn't.
Speaker 3: I didn't realize until this very moment when you mentioned
Speaker 3: that that I didn't respect him.
Speaker 1: Well, let me just say this, beloved, clutch your pearls.
Speaker 1: This is pearl clutching die. Not that you didn't respect him,
Speaker 1: It's that you didn't respect yourself. Yes, didn't respect yourself
Speaker 1: as a woman, didn't respect yourself as a mother. Because
Speaker 1: one of the most blessed and complicated relationships there can be.
Speaker 1: It's a relationship between a mother and a son. And
Speaker 1: you allowed into your life. You allowed into your life
Speaker 1: a man who didn't respect the fruit of your wound
Speaker 1: that you gotta sit in that doesn't have any you know.
Speaker 1: This relationship was.
Speaker 4: Still born, yes, da, yes, but that grew.
Speaker 1: From your the death of something in you. Yes, the
Speaker 1: death of something in you, because you can only give
Speaker 1: what you have. I'd be interested to know what your
Speaker 1: your self talk. You said was a bunch of lives.
Speaker 1: It's going to get better. I'm happy and I'm not.
Speaker 1: I can do this and I'm you know, so that's disrespectful.
Speaker 1: So he just showed you what you've done to yourself.
Speaker 1: Oh what a blessing. Wow, thank him?
Speaker 3: M yes, wow.
Speaker 1: It doesn't sound like you ever from the moment you
Speaker 1: said year one, when you recognize he didn't connect with
Speaker 1: your son. Yes, so so you just stayed around. I
Speaker 1: can't even call you a vampire because you wasn't even sucking.
Speaker 1: I thought nothing what you was doing? What a powerful
Speaker 1: learning opportunity. Look what you have set up for yourself.
Speaker 2: Yep.
Speaker 1: So this autopsy is on a still birth. Wasn't dead.
Speaker 1: It was kept the law. It was on life support.
Speaker 1: It's life depended on you, and you had an unclear
Speaker 1: intention about why you wanted it to live. Yeah, it
Speaker 1: was on a respirator. It was on that heart thingy
Speaker 1: that goes up. It was making all kinds of noises
Speaker 1: and whistles.
Speaker 2: And yes, So.
Speaker 1: What a powerful learning experience because you never healed the
Speaker 1: break from you and your son's father and the shame
Speaker 1: of that, the guilt of that, whatever was present. You
Speaker 1: just took that into the relationship. So my prescription for you, beloved,
Speaker 1: is to go back there and heal that up. Really
Speaker 1: look at that. But I really want to encourage you,
Speaker 1: my beloved, to go back and clean that up. Go
Speaker 1: back in your heart and your mind and clean that up.
Speaker 3: I don't even know if I know how to do that.
Speaker 1: Forgiveness, yes, uh huh. And you so you know, I
Speaker 1: have lived a life where I've denied my intuition and
Speaker 1: I forgive myself. I've lived a life where I didn't
Speaker 1: believe I could have what I want, and I forgive myself.
Speaker 1: This is all about forgiveness. Were you It really is?
Speaker 1: And I stayed with the man that I knew wasn't
Speaker 1: right for me. Because I didn't believe I could have
Speaker 1: what I wanted.
Speaker 4: And I forgive myself.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I've taken my son through an unhealthy manhood
Speaker 1: experience that could effect him. And I forgive myself.
Speaker 3: Yes, I forgive myself.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: What else would you forgive yourself? For my love?
Speaker 3: I forgive myself for not leaving and myself that I could,
Speaker 3: that I could be what I wanted to be, do what.
Speaker 1: I wanted to do, Yes, and have what you wanted
Speaker 1: to have. And my my discharge instructions for you is
Speaker 1: to get a divorce.
Speaker 4: Yes, Yes, get a divorce.
Speaker 1: Forget separation because you all have a history of separating
Speaker 1: and going back together, but you're not going. This thing
Speaker 1: is on life support.
Speaker 3: Pull a plug, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: Pull the plug, because there's nothing here that can be resurrected,
Speaker 1: nothing except your faith and trust in yourself and the
Speaker 1: belief that you can have what you want that can
Speaker 1: be resurrected.
Speaker 3: Yes, ma'am, and I have started on that journey. I'm
Speaker 3: so grateful that I had the opportunity to speak with you.
Speaker 1: You know, our heart, and particularly our heart as women,
Speaker 1: has so much grace and mercy. It will never give
Speaker 1: us or take us in the situations that we're unprepared for.
Speaker 1: And everything that you've been through, lived through, done in
Speaker 1: these eighteen years is exactly what you needed to do
Speaker 1: to bring you to this moment, to come home to yourself,
Speaker 1: to be able to do the work to move yourself
Speaker 1: to the next level. You're gonna be all right, That's
Speaker 1: what Todd Dribbitt said. Wow, were gonna be all right.
Speaker 3: Yes, thank you so much, Thank you, my love.
Speaker 1: You have a good day too.
Speaker 3: Okay.
Speaker 1: You can only give what you have and you can
Speaker 1: only receive what you give. And when we do not
Speaker 1: allow ourself to know the truth, to tell the truth,
Speaker 1: it is going to be hard to find truth in
Speaker 1: a relationship. And sometimes we don't tell the truth because
Speaker 1: we don't know what to do about it. So since
Speaker 1: we don't know what to do about the truth, we
Speaker 1: act like the truth doesn't exist. That's a death blow
Speaker 1: to any relationship, the relationship with yourself, the relationship with
Speaker 1: other people. Not telling the truth, not acknowledging the truth,
Speaker 1: not embracing the truth, will put your relationship on life support.
Speaker 1: And sometimes the only way to pull a plug is
Speaker 1: to tell the truth. And you know, sometimes people are
Speaker 1: on a respirator and forever, and they pull a plug.
Speaker 1: They think the person's gonna die, and they don't. If
Speaker 1: you can tell the truth, pull a plug on the denial,
Speaker 1: the resistance, the self abuse, whatever else you want to
Speaker 1: call it, pull a plug on that. And if that
Speaker 1: relationship is supposed to live, it will. I hope that
Speaker 1: you know something now that you didn't know. When you're
Speaker 1: tuned in, and until we meet again, stay in peace
Speaker 1: and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of
Speaker 1: Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from
Speaker 1: Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.
Speaker 3: No