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Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.

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Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.

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Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to

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Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the

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Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.

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Speaker 1: Great Day, Great Day, Great Day. Welcome to the R Spot.

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Speaker 1: I am your host, your guide, your support for today

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Speaker 1: as we take a look through, a look at, a

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Speaker 1: look over all things relationships and today we are doing

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Speaker 1: something very interesting. You know, medical professional or the coroner

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Speaker 1: will perform an autopsy after a death to determine what

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Speaker 1: caused the end of the life. Now, this information can

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Speaker 1: be very helpful and determining whether it was foul play,

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Speaker 1: if there was a potential disease on the loose, if

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Speaker 1: there was poison, if the death resulted from arson, homicide, murder.

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Speaker 1: It can be very interesting to kind of pinpoint the

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Speaker 1: exact moment and cause of a death. Now, of course,

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Speaker 1: in a physical death, that's a very very serious matter.

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Speaker 1: But today we're talking about the death of relationships. What

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Speaker 1: is it that caused a relationship to end? Because, like

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Speaker 1: a person, a relationship is a living, breathing thing, and

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Speaker 1: they are our lives involved. And when a relationship is over,

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Speaker 1: we grieve, we mourn, sometimes we act out. But today

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Speaker 1: we're going to do a relationship inventory so that we

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Speaker 1: can find out what brought this living thing to the end,

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Speaker 1: what brought the end of the relationship, And we're going

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Speaker 1: to do some autopsies to see if we can determine

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Speaker 1: how these relationships met their demise. We're going to examine

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Speaker 1: to see if there was a cause, if there was

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Speaker 1: an issue, and if there was a culprit. Greetings beloved,

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Speaker 1: and welcome to the R spot. I understand that you

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Speaker 1: have a relationship that's no longer with you and you

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Speaker 1: would like to do an autopsy trying to understand the

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Speaker 1: cause of the demise. So tell me. Tell me about

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Speaker 1: the end of your relationship.

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Speaker 2: Well, the end of my relationship. It really ended with

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Speaker 2: me being in jail last Christmas, away from my three children.

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Speaker 2: Oh Lord, after I was assaulted by one he choked me.

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Speaker 2: I called the police for help and somehow I ended

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Speaker 2: up in handcuffs, And to this day I'm still upset.

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Speaker 1: About me and somehow you ended up in What does

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Speaker 1: that mean? Somehow you ended up in handcuffs.

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Speaker 2: They asked him what happened, and I gave my version

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Speaker 2: of the story, which was what happened. We were having

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Speaker 2: a discussion and kind of argued a little bit, and

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Speaker 2: he ended up jumping on top of me and choking me,

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Speaker 2: telling me he was going to end my life. So

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Speaker 2: I ended up calling nine one one and he left

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Speaker 2: the home, and then he came back a little later

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Speaker 2: and they interviewed him, and I finally saw exactly what

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Speaker 2: he told them when I got the body cam footage.

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Speaker 2: But he told them that we were arguing and when

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Speaker 2: he tried to get up and leave, I scratched him,

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Speaker 2: and he had scratches on his arm, of course, because

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Speaker 2: when I was being choked, I was trying to get

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Speaker 2: away from him. So they came placed me a handcuff

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Speaker 2: on December twenty second of last year, and I spent

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Speaker 2: four nights in jail, missing Christmas.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, was that the first time that y'all

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Speaker 1: had fought?

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Speaker 2: A month before? That was the first time we were arguing.

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Speaker 2: I was standing about three steps off the porch and

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Speaker 2: he pushed me, and that was the first time he

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Speaker 2: had put hands on me. And I was very shocked

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Speaker 2: about that, and I didn't leave, but I also stayed

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Speaker 2: through a whole bunch of mess. So my story could

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Speaker 2: go on for another hour if I had time.

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Speaker 1: But do you understand that by the time he put

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Speaker 1: his hands on you, the relationship was already over.

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Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am, I understand that. Now we've been always from

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Speaker 2: each other for a year now or so.

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Speaker 1: Okay, was this your husband or no?

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Speaker 2: It was not my husband. One who jumped in my

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Speaker 2: DM on social media, real polite and presenting himself in

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Speaker 2: such a way where I felt for the representatives.

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Speaker 1: How long were you together?

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Speaker 2: Fifteen months?

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Speaker 1: Fifteen months? Yes, and you're talking about you went through

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Speaker 1: a lot of a lot of stuff. Oh, do tell

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Speaker 1: spill the tea, girls, spill the tea.

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Speaker 2: I mean, in the very beginning, it was it was nice,

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Speaker 2: you know, everything was what I wanted it to be.

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Speaker 2: I was almost feeling like it was too good to

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Speaker 2: be true type thing. And you know, one night his

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Speaker 2: doorbell rang and there was a woman there, and he

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Speaker 2: stayed down there and talked for a minute, and I

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Speaker 2: ended up going, you know, checks he what was going on,

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Speaker 2: and I went back upstairs and I said I was

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Speaker 2: leaving but I ended up staying with him foolishly because

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Speaker 2: we had just started dating, so it was like a month,

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Speaker 2: and so I said, Okay, I'm gonna just let it

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Speaker 2: lie this with someone who you used to talk to,

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Speaker 2: and she just showed up. I let it go, and

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Speaker 2: I shouldn't have, because just things continued, from him talking

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Speaker 2: to other women, talking about me to other women, sending

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Speaker 2: nudes of himself to other women. I mean he tried

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Speaker 2: to solicit a prostitute one time. Yes, wait a.

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Speaker 1: Minute, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up? And

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Speaker 1: what does that mean? He tried to solicit a prostitute?

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Speaker 1: What does that mean?

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Speaker 2: From what I saw, I don't think it actually happened.

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Speaker 2: But he had gone out of town for just twenty

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Speaker 2: four hours, and when he came back, he asked me

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Speaker 2: to get his phone and order us some food if

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Speaker 2: he fell asleep. So he fell asleep and I go

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Speaker 2: to start ordering food. But I decided that I'm going

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Speaker 2: to go and check his text messages, and when I look,

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Speaker 2: i'd feel like twice is being thrown out, and I'm like.

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Speaker 1: What are you looking for? How much?

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Speaker 2: So I'm thinking he trying to buy some weed or something.

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Speaker 2: I don't know, and then I look at four o'clock

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Speaker 2: in the morning, and so I see that. The person says,

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Speaker 2: you know, I hope you don't mind, but I'm a midget.

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Speaker 2: And he says, I'm fine. And there's a picture that

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Speaker 2: sent and what wait.

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Speaker 1: Wait, wait, wait a minute. You drop all of this

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Speaker 1: these tea bags in my lap and you just keep

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Speaker 1: on going.

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Speaker 2: Yes, it's a little person.

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Speaker 1: I'm not laughing, Yes I am.

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Speaker 2: I mean I'm laughing now because I can't. I can

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Speaker 2: do that now. So it's okay.

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Speaker 3: If other people last a month.

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Speaker 1: And you saw signs of a disease, yeah, yeah, mm hm,

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Speaker 1: and you continued on, that's like you know, somebody has

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Speaker 1: the measles and you go lay up in the bed

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Speaker 1: with them.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So you said a month in you saw the first

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Speaker 1: red flag.

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Speaker 2: Mm hmm.

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Speaker 1: Beloved, the cause of the death of this relationship was

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Speaker 1: an untreated illness. Yeah, you saw that early on and

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Speaker 1: continued to act like it wasn't a fever.

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Speaker 2: I want to look back now. I get very angry

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Speaker 2: at myself for a lowing No, no, that's not angry.

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Speaker 1: Here's the question. What were you trying to get and

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Speaker 1: what did you settle for? What were you really trying

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Speaker 1: to get?

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Speaker 2: I was trying to get a man who loved and

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Speaker 2: appreciated me for me, and that's what he presented, just

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Speaker 2: very early on. But then he would you know, these

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Speaker 2: things would happen, and I just kept making excuses for them,

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Speaker 2: and so I ended up settling for someone who treated

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Speaker 2: me well sometimes and treated me like crap most of

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Speaker 2: the time.

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Speaker 1: So you wanted a man who loved and appreciated you

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Speaker 1: a month and he didn't. Yeah, but a month in

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Speaker 1: you knew that. So this relationship died from an untreated illness.

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Speaker 1: But the illness is yours, not his. He was just

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Speaker 1: doing what he do.

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 1: The question becomes what inspired you motivated you to dishonor

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Speaker 1: your intuition to disregard what you knew and felt to

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Speaker 1: be true. Was it a fear that he was the

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Speaker 1: last one that you couldn't have what you wanted. There's

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Speaker 1: a lesson in there for you that sent you to therapy.

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Speaker 1: This relationship is not what sent you to therapy. The

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Speaker 1: disappointment in yourself for choosing him is probably what sent

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Speaker 1: you to therapy.

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Speaker 2: I agree.

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Speaker 1: So where are you now.

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Speaker 2: Right now? I'm in a very healthier mental space. I'm

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Speaker 2: not dating. I don't want to date. I'm still, you know,

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Speaker 2: trying to figure myself out, learning my boundaries and learning

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Speaker 2: what I will tolerate and what I won't. Of course,

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Speaker 2: you know, men approach me all the time, and even

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Speaker 2: the slightest little bit of disrespect in them trying to

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Speaker 2: even talk to me, and I'll just stop talking to

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Speaker 2: them all together. So I'm just I'm very respect from me,

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Speaker 2: distrust me. I feel like a man is disrespecting me

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Speaker 2: when he's trying to talk to me. And I'll just

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Speaker 2: use an example as a guy that did this to me.

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Speaker 2: We were having a general conversation about just regular stuff.

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Speaker 2: I think at one point we were talking about our kids,

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Speaker 2: and then out of the blue, he just says, send

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Speaker 2: me some masturbation pics or videos.

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Speaker 1: I know you have some. Okay, that's not disrespectful, that's inappropriate.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, well inappropriate, but I thought it was disrespectful towards me,

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Speaker 2: and so I just I told them that both of

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Speaker 2: those things.

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Speaker 1: No, you know, guys are going to push and you know,

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Speaker 1: we live I don't know how old you are, but

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Speaker 1: we're living in a real different time. Those kinds of

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Speaker 1: things go along with the social media and the quick hit.

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Speaker 1: But you may be throwing away, you know, a nice

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Speaker 1: piece because you're all adjusting to different places. There's another

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Speaker 1: way to possibly deal with that.

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Speaker 4: Mm hmm.

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Speaker 2: I guess for I mean, I can agree with that.

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Speaker 2: I guess for me, I just felt like, I don't.

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Speaker 2: I don't. I don't want to engage in that type

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Speaker 2: of conversation. And I was very adamant about that, you know,

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Speaker 2: when we first started speaking, you know, I just I

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Speaker 2: just didn't feel like when I when I hear someone

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Speaker 2: say that to me, I just initially think that all

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Speaker 2: they're thinking about is wanting to have sex with me.

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Speaker 2: And that might be true, yeah, but I just feel

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Speaker 2: like it's the time to do that. And very early on,

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Speaker 2: in like two weeks of speaking to me, I just don't.

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Speaker 2: I don't appreciate it. So I just won't talk to

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Speaker 2: them anymore.

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Speaker 1: Well, why couldn't you say to him, tell me why

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Speaker 1: you think it's appropriate. Well, you to say that to me,

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Speaker 1: and you hardly know I did.

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Speaker 3: I said that.

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Speaker 2: I said that almost he just he laughed off and

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Speaker 2: said he was just joking, which I know a lot

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Speaker 2: of guys do that. Whenever you don't respond to what

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Speaker 2: they're throwing out if they want to say as a joke.

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Speaker 2: And I just told him, you know, I don't feel

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Speaker 2: it was a joke, and don't joke with me that way.

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Speaker 2: You know, I was very I was trying to communicate

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Speaker 2: to him in a way to let him know that

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Speaker 2: what he said offended me. I asked him why he

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Speaker 2: would think that I would be receptive to that, and

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Speaker 2: he just kind of kept laughing at off. So then

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Speaker 2: I already knew that, Okay, you won't even try to

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Speaker 2: understand where I'm coming from.

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Speaker 1: So well that the fact that he was laughing, that's

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Speaker 1: disrespectful because he should have. If he didn't take the

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Speaker 1: clue that he had somehow offended you, then he's off

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Speaker 1: the mark. Back to mister push you off the porch.

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Speaker 1: He was a symptom, not a cause. We'll talk about

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Speaker 1: that when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot.

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Speaker 1: Let's pick up where we left off. I'm doing this

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Speaker 1: autopsy and so I'm gonna up open you up. I'm

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Speaker 1: doing it on you, okay, even though I'm doing it

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Speaker 1: on the relationship. So I'm gonna open you up. And

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Speaker 1: what I see, oh, in the heart valves. There's some

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Speaker 1: sadness that hasn't really been addressed. There's some trust stuff

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Speaker 1: that hasn't really been addressed. That's kind of infecting. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's just the pancreas over here. Yeah, maybe it's the liver.

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Speaker 1: Oh okay, Oh I see, Oh I got some worth

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Speaker 1: issues over here. M hmm yeah, worth, trust and sadness.

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Speaker 1: There's a heartbreak that you have that you never ever

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Speaker 1: dealt with. You learned how to move on, but that

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Speaker 1: thing has been what what is that word that they use,

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Speaker 1: it's it's been in there festering for a long time.

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Speaker 1: Does that make sense to you? Yes? I am. Oh,

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Speaker 1: so what happened was because you hadn't dealt with those

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Speaker 1: things and they metastasized and you're trying to live beyond them.

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Speaker 1: But I want to encourage you to go back to

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Speaker 1: the first heartbreak. Now I'm not clear just looking at

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Speaker 1: your pancreas in your heart and your living those kinds

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Speaker 1: of things. I'm not clear if they broke your heart

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Speaker 1: or if you broke their heart. But between the sadness,

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Speaker 1: the trust, and the worth issues, there's a long, hard

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Speaker 1: vein of unforgiveness. Makes sense? Yes, So this mister push

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Speaker 1: you off the porch. He just came to kick it

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Speaker 1: up so that you could see it. Clean it up,

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Speaker 1: get a clean bill of relationship health so that you

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Speaker 1: can go on and get what it is that you den'sire,

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Speaker 1: which is a man who loves and respects you just

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Speaker 1: as you are for who you are. He wasn't the problem.

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Speaker 1: He wasn't this was he was a learning tool. Mm hmm.

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Speaker 1: Because you can't have what you want the man who's

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Speaker 1: gonna love him, accept and respect you. You're going to

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Speaker 1: keep attracting these gutter snipes who want masturbation pictures, you know,

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Speaker 1: until you clean up the sadness to trust and the

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Speaker 1: worst and unforgiveness of clean that up for you.

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Speaker 2: How old is that wound?

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Speaker 1: How old is that wound?

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Speaker 2: Uh have of my whole life?

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Speaker 1: You have children?

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Speaker 2: I have three, two daughters and the son.

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Speaker 1: And how are your daughters doing?

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Speaker 3: Oh?

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Speaker 1: My lord, yes, I know. That's why I asked the question.

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Speaker 2: They're good kids, they're good girls. They're just they're getting

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Speaker 2: into things and trying to find their way, and I'm

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Speaker 2: trying to, you know, keep them on a path that

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Speaker 2: does not involve self destruction. So I'm working on that

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Speaker 2: their dad is present, but I pretty much take care

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Speaker 2: of everything. So and that's a lot, especially because they're teenagers.

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Speaker 2: My daughters are seventeen and fifteen, and then my son

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Speaker 2: is thirteen, and I don't really know how to deal

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Speaker 2: with him because he's a boy.

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Speaker 1: All right, I want to give you your prescription, okay,

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Speaker 1: because if we did this autopsy, I got to tell

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Speaker 1: you my findings. Okay, you have an untreated You have

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Speaker 1: an untreated illness of sadness, trust and unworthiness mm hmm.

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Speaker 1: That has metastasized and is infecting your desire to be

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Speaker 1: a loving, intimate, rest, respectful, safe, safe partnership with somebody.

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Speaker 1: Safety is a thing for you too. Yes, So I

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Speaker 1: want you to go get a copy of Forgiveness forty

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Speaker 1: days to forgive everyone for everything, and it's going to

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Speaker 1: help you forgive thoughts, forgive beliefs, forgive people, particularly your

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Speaker 1: mom and dad, and forgive yourself. You can do an

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Speaker 1: exercise every day. It could take you forty days to

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Speaker 1: get through that book, or it could take you four years.

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Speaker 1: It really depends, okay, And my discharge instructions for you

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Speaker 1: and you sit you in the relationship, er get your

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Speaker 1: focus off of that relationship. That thing is that was

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Speaker 1: just a false read. And really talk with your therapist

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Speaker 1: if you're still in therapy about the sadness, yeah, and

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Speaker 1: the worth stuff. Really talk with him about Okay, you know,

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Speaker 1: go back and tell that story where your heart first

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Speaker 1: got broken, because that's what you're carrying. Okay, So take

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Speaker 1: your medicine and no dating some of this malignancy cleared out.

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Speaker 4: I agree.

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Speaker 2: I am not dating.

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Speaker 1: No, and I'm not telling you four or five years.

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Speaker 1: I'm talking, you know, until you get some of this

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Speaker 1: malignancy cleaned out. And what's malignant in you is the

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Speaker 1: belief that you can't have what you want. That's what

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Speaker 1: you're spreading, the belief that you can't have what you want.

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Speaker 1: And it goes all the way back to that first heartbreak.

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Speaker 1: I think it may have been more than one, but yeah,

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Speaker 1: so go back there and do that.

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Speaker 2: Okay, Okay, thank you so much.

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Speaker 1: Okay, thank you, my love, thank you, Okay, bye bye.

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Speaker 1: So often we focus on the symptoms and either treating

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Speaker 1: or ignoring them, that we forget to look for the

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Speaker 1: cause of the illness or the root of the infection.

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Speaker 1: And untreated illnesses, untreated diseases, untreated hurts and wounds, they

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Speaker 1: will attract partners that will trigger them up, that will

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Speaker 1: stick their finger right into the very thing that hurts you.

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Speaker 1: So the key here is doing a relationship autopsy is

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Speaker 1: very important because you want to understand what little kooties

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Speaker 1: could be hiding in the crevices of your mind and

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Speaker 1: your heart. You want to clean that bacteria out, what

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Speaker 1: happened before, what hurts you before, what you thought about before,

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Speaker 1: what they did to you before, Clean that bacteria out

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Speaker 1: so that you don't attract people who will trigger those

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Speaker 1: things up. Oh, I think it's time to do another

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Speaker 1: autops Greetings and welcome to the R spot. We are

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Speaker 1: doing relationship autopsies today. So I understand you have a

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Speaker 1: relationship that is no longer with you. Yes, how did

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Speaker 1: the thing die?

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Speaker 3: Well, if I'm being honest, it died a long time ago.

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Speaker 3: But the final straw for me was a few months ago.

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Speaker 3: He made the decision that he was going to leave

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Speaker 3: his nine to five job and go to school. And

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Speaker 3: I was very concerned about that because we had just

336
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Speaker 3: gotten back into a place where we were on top

337
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Speaker 3: of our bills and our financial responsibilities, and I myself

338
00:22:26,119 --> 00:22:28,600
Speaker 3: had just started a new job, and I was afraid

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Speaker 3: that I wouldn't be able to handle the full responsibility

340
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Speaker 3: of the finances if he left his job to go

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Speaker 3: to school. Now, he had the option to go to

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Speaker 3: school on the weekends and still work during the week,

343
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Speaker 3: but he wanted to go during the week, so, you know,

344
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Speaker 3: we argued about it back and forth, and I guess

345
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Speaker 3: finally I just said, well, dude, you're going to do

346
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Speaker 3: whatever you want to do now. He did make a

347
00:22:58,040 --> 00:23:01,440
Speaker 3: promise that he would pick up another side gig, like

348
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:04,720
Speaker 3: an Amazon Flex type of job, and he would do

349
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Speaker 3: that to supplement the income so that we can continue

350
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Speaker 3: to pay the bills on time. And he did that

351
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Speaker 3: for a few weeks, and then slowly he stopped doing that.

352
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Speaker 3: I never seen the certification of him actually finishing school.

353
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Speaker 3: And this is the type of thing that happened throughout

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Speaker 3: the eighteen years of our relationship on and off.

355
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Speaker 4: Yes, eighteen years, yes, ma'am.

356
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Speaker 1: And you said, how long ago did it die? This

357
00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:45,600
Speaker 1: dead thing laying around yea from year, one year, ten year,

358
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Speaker 1: when did it actually die? Take a breath and ask yourself,

359
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Speaker 1: I know my relationship died.

360
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Speaker 3: When I know my relationship died when I realized in

361
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:06,760
Speaker 3: the first year that he had no and was not

362
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:11,359
Speaker 3: willing to really have a connection with my mine. My

363
00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:14,080
Speaker 3: son at that time was a year old when we

364
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:19,960
Speaker 3: first got together. Now connection with your son, no real connection, no,

365
00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:24,440
Speaker 3: no nurturing in the way that a man or a

366
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Speaker 3: father is supposed to be with a child. And I

367
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Speaker 3: blame myself because I noticed.

368
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Speaker 1: No blame, no blame, no blame. Okay, let's not blame,

369
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Speaker 1: because that's not helpful, and that is that is going

370
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Speaker 1: to increase the disease. Okay, and living in a dead

371
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Speaker 1: thing for eighteen years.

372
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Speaker 2: I have my.

373
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Speaker 1: Inquiry, and it's curiosity, not to beat you up.

374
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Speaker 2: Okay.

375
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Speaker 1: My inquiry is, why would you stay with a man

376
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Speaker 1: who had no connection with your son? What did you

377
00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:04,880
Speaker 1: tell yourself?

378
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:10,119
Speaker 3: Well, I told myself that as long as he wasn't

379
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:15,560
Speaker 3: physically abusing my child or sexually abusing my child, and

380
00:25:16,119 --> 00:25:21,760
Speaker 3: you know that it was okay. As long as I

381
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:27,480
Speaker 3: could trust him with my child, as far as the

382
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:31,280
Speaker 3: abuse part of it was concerned, then we could work

383
00:25:31,359 --> 00:25:34,000
Speaker 3: on everything else. You know, we could work on building

384
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:38,200
Speaker 3: a relationship between him and my son. And I tried

385
00:25:38,359 --> 00:25:43,320
Speaker 3: many times and It just never seemed to connect. It

386
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:44,439
Speaker 3: never really happened.

387
00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:50,560
Speaker 1: Well, what about emotional abuse? Because to not be wanted?

388
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:54,160
Speaker 1: And if he was there, it was your son's father

389
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:58,960
Speaker 1: in his life. No, so the father wasn't in his

390
00:25:59,119 --> 00:26:03,400
Speaker 1: life bring this man into his life with no heart

391
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:07,359
Speaker 1: to heart, soul to soul connection. Did you consider that

392
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:15,560
Speaker 1: as emotional abuse? I wanted to be rejected, to be discounted,

393
00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:17,359
Speaker 1: to be diminished.

394
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:22,520
Speaker 3: No, I didn't. I didn't know that that was considered

395
00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:29,680
Speaker 3: emotional abuse until later years when I realized that not

396
00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:32,159
Speaker 3: only was it emotional abuse for my son, but there

397
00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:34,360
Speaker 3: was emotional abuse towards myself as well.

398
00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:42,919
Speaker 1: So we'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome

399
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:45,919
Speaker 1: back to the art spot. Let's get back to the conversation.

400
00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:52,200
Speaker 1: You stayed in a dead thing for seventeen years. What

401
00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:55,520
Speaker 1: did that look like? Spill a tea, girl, What did

402
00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:56,159
Speaker 1: that look like?

403
00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:01,159
Speaker 3: There was a lot of break up and getting back together.

404
00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:05,879
Speaker 1: Instability. That's that's a cause of death. Instability. Go ahead?

405
00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:11,960
Speaker 3: What else he had proposed to me? Three times? And

406
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:13,520
Speaker 3: the first two times I.

407
00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:17,480
Speaker 1: Told no, lack of lack of commitment, that's a cause

408
00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:20,120
Speaker 1: of death. I had. What else?

409
00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:28,040
Speaker 3: I just I was always on the inside feeling like

410
00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:31,480
Speaker 3: I deserve more, that I wanted more, and that I

411
00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:32,520
Speaker 3: wanted something different.

412
00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:37,440
Speaker 1: Settling for less than you want, settling for lessen that's

413
00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:40,320
Speaker 1: a that's a disease that will rock the thing from

414
00:27:40,359 --> 00:27:45,080
Speaker 1: the inside out. Settling for less than you want? Mm hmm,

415
00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:46,200
Speaker 1: what else? Go ahead?

416
00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:53,200
Speaker 3: And I feel as though anything that he did, little

417
00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:58,159
Speaker 3: or small would trigger me to say spiteful things or

418
00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:01,240
Speaker 3: to get into some type of an argument with him.

419
00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:06,880
Speaker 1: And lord, you wasn't infected by the foul lip monster. Yes,

420
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:11,920
Speaker 1: when a woman lets the foul lip monster bite her lip,

421
00:28:12,119 --> 00:28:15,080
Speaker 1: oh my lord, that's just gonna spread disease everywhere.

422
00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:20,160
Speaker 3: I told myself that, you know, it would get better,

423
00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:23,400
Speaker 3: and there would be times where it would be better

424
00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:27,520
Speaker 3: for a little while, but it was always temporary. I

425
00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:31,920
Speaker 3: feel as though I became lazy and complacent within the relationship.

426
00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:37,639
Speaker 3: I would allow things that I should have spoke up about.

427
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:40,120
Speaker 3: I would let him go and I wouldn't say anything

428
00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:42,200
Speaker 3: about them, and it would just.

429
00:28:42,440 --> 00:28:46,720
Speaker 1: Like disability such as such as what come on, spility,

430
00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:49,360
Speaker 1: come on with Jina? We down in the nerves. We

431
00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:51,320
Speaker 1: got to do this autopsy. We got to look at

432
00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:57,280
Speaker 1: every cell, every atom, every more organ, every tissue, every muscle, spillity,

433
00:28:57,480 --> 00:28:58,440
Speaker 1: go ahead, what you'd let go?

434
00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:04,960
Speaker 3: Let go of the things that he would do that

435
00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:08,200
Speaker 3: I would forewarn him about prior to and let him

436
00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:10,200
Speaker 3: know that, you know, this is going to affect us.

437
00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:13,120
Speaker 3: And I would still go along with him making those

438
00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:16,800
Speaker 3: bad decisions, and then you know, I would have to

439
00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:19,400
Speaker 3: be the person to clean it up, and then I

440
00:29:19,440 --> 00:29:21,360
Speaker 3: would be mad at him and we would you know,

441
00:29:21,640 --> 00:29:25,600
Speaker 3: argue and fight about that. I didn't speak up about

442
00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:28,360
Speaker 3: the way that he did his own children outside of

443
00:29:28,440 --> 00:29:32,560
Speaker 3: our relationship. I noticed that he was not connected to

444
00:29:32,800 --> 00:29:34,880
Speaker 3: any of his children out So he had three children

445
00:29:34,960 --> 00:29:39,560
Speaker 3: outside of our relationship prior to our relationship, and I

446
00:29:39,720 --> 00:29:44,400
Speaker 3: tried to get him involved with them, and he wouldn't,

447
00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:46,840
Speaker 3: and you know, it was always some type of excuse

448
00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:49,440
Speaker 3: or he would always shut me down and I would

449
00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:54,640
Speaker 3: let that go. There were so many things that I

450
00:29:54,680 --> 00:29:57,720
Speaker 3: would let go him, you know, getting fired from jobs

451
00:29:57,800 --> 00:30:01,920
Speaker 3: or quitting jobs, or lying about going to work and

452
00:30:02,040 --> 00:30:04,000
Speaker 3: not really going to work, even though I would know

453
00:30:04,120 --> 00:30:06,640
Speaker 3: that he was lying, and I wouldn't say anything, and

454
00:30:06,680 --> 00:30:10,120
Speaker 3: I would let it go, or I would wait until

455
00:30:10,120 --> 00:30:12,080
Speaker 3: it built up and then I would say something, I

456
00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:17,880
Speaker 3: would explode and there would be an emotional heaviness on

457
00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:20,320
Speaker 3: me and I would have to release it and tell

458
00:30:20,400 --> 00:30:23,200
Speaker 3: him what was going on. But by then he seemed

459
00:30:23,920 --> 00:30:27,040
Speaker 3: to be really unaware of what was going on, because

460
00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:29,480
Speaker 3: time had passed and things had went on, and I

461
00:30:29,520 --> 00:30:34,600
Speaker 3: guess he thought everything was okay. There were so many

462
00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:38,880
Speaker 3: things that I lied to myself about. I lied to

463
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:42,120
Speaker 3: myself about the fact that I was happy in the

464
00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:43,640
Speaker 3: relationship when I wasn't happy.

465
00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:44,600
Speaker 2: Wow.

466
00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:50,120
Speaker 1: Wow, Wow, you are really really clear about the depth

467
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:58,640
Speaker 1: of the disease that infected and killed this relationship. I

468
00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:00,920
Speaker 1: want to go all the way back to the beginning

469
00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:06,000
Speaker 1: eighteen years ago, when you recognized.

470
00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:07,280
Speaker 2: That he.

471
00:31:08,760 --> 00:31:12,440
Speaker 1: Couldn't connect with your son, or didn't connect with your son,

472
00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:20,920
Speaker 1: and you stayed in the relationship someplace in you, maybe

473
00:31:21,040 --> 00:31:26,000
Speaker 1: between your little toe and your other toe, or maybe

474
00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:29,880
Speaker 1: on your lower eye lid, right under there where the

475
00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:37,600
Speaker 1: lashes are little, teeny fine lashes. Yes, were you trying

476
00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:41,320
Speaker 1: to make him into what you wanted him to represent,

477
00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:44,200
Speaker 1: which was a father for you? Okay?

478
00:31:44,760 --> 00:31:44,960
Speaker 3: Yes?

479
00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:49,480
Speaker 1: So did you ever accept him for who he was?

480
00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:54,240
Speaker 1: I mean, did you respect him? Did you require him

481
00:31:54,320 --> 00:31:59,440
Speaker 1: to be responsible. Were you just trying to you? Did

482
00:31:59,680 --> 00:32:00,800
Speaker 1: you did respect him?

483
00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:02,400
Speaker 3: I did.

484
00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:10,080
Speaker 1: Well before you put your foot in your mouth and

485
00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:14,000
Speaker 1: then you have your toe stuck between your teeth. You're

486
00:32:14,080 --> 00:32:17,680
Speaker 1: telling me you respected a man that you live with,

487
00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:22,440
Speaker 1: share the bed with, share a home with, who wouldn't

488
00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:28,360
Speaker 1: connect with your son. You respected a man who didn't

489
00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:32,160
Speaker 1: connect with his children and who didn't connect with your son.

490
00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:33,120
Speaker 1: You respected him.

491
00:32:34,120 --> 00:32:36,040
Speaker 3: Well, I guess what I should be saying is that

492
00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:40,640
Speaker 3: I was respectful to him, now that you have put

493
00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:40,960
Speaker 3: it in.

494
00:32:41,120 --> 00:32:44,000
Speaker 1: Except me, except when the file lip monster got you

495
00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:47,480
Speaker 1: and you said vindictive little things. When your file lip

496
00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:48,960
Speaker 1: monster got you, then you lost.

497
00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:56,600
Speaker 3: Okay, yes, yes, correct, So in actuality, I didn't respect him,

498
00:32:58,840 --> 00:33:02,800
Speaker 3: and I didn't realize that during the relationship. I really didn't.

499
00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:05,480
Speaker 3: I didn't realize until this very moment when you mentioned

500
00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:06,840
Speaker 3: that that I didn't respect him.

501
00:33:08,240 --> 00:33:10,719
Speaker 1: Well, let me just say this, beloved, clutch your pearls.

502
00:33:10,760 --> 00:33:16,080
Speaker 1: This is pearl clutching die. Not that you didn't respect him,

503
00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:20,640
Speaker 1: It's that you didn't respect yourself. Yes, didn't respect yourself

504
00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:26,320
Speaker 1: as a woman, didn't respect yourself as a mother. Because

505
00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:33,280
Speaker 1: one of the most blessed and complicated relationships there can be.

506
00:33:34,080 --> 00:33:38,320
Speaker 1: It's a relationship between a mother and a son. And

507
00:33:38,440 --> 00:33:43,360
Speaker 1: you allowed into your life. You allowed into your life

508
00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:48,000
Speaker 1: a man who didn't respect the fruit of your wound

509
00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:55,200
Speaker 1: that you gotta sit in that doesn't have any you know.

510
00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:57,080
Speaker 1: This relationship was.

511
00:33:57,120 --> 00:34:09,200
Speaker 4: Still born, yes, da, yes, but that grew.

512
00:34:09,120 --> 00:34:15,520
Speaker 1: From your the death of something in you. Yes, the

513
00:34:15,640 --> 00:34:18,879
Speaker 1: death of something in you, because you can only give

514
00:34:19,120 --> 00:34:22,560
Speaker 1: what you have. I'd be interested to know what your

515
00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:25,320
Speaker 1: your self talk. You said was a bunch of lives.

516
00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:28,640
Speaker 1: It's going to get better. I'm happy and I'm not.

517
00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:33,960
Speaker 1: I can do this and I'm you know, so that's disrespectful.

518
00:34:35,239 --> 00:34:37,880
Speaker 1: So he just showed you what you've done to yourself.

519
00:34:38,120 --> 00:34:40,080
Speaker 1: Oh what a blessing. Wow, thank him?

520
00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:44,600
Speaker 3: M yes, wow.

521
00:34:45,880 --> 00:34:48,880
Speaker 1: It doesn't sound like you ever from the moment you

522
00:34:49,000 --> 00:34:51,800
Speaker 1: said year one, when you recognize he didn't connect with

523
00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:56,600
Speaker 1: your son. Yes, so so you just stayed around. I

524
00:34:57,120 --> 00:34:59,840
Speaker 1: can't even call you a vampire because you wasn't even sucking.

525
00:35:00,040 --> 00:35:04,840
Speaker 1: I thought nothing what you was doing? What a powerful

526
00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:08,480
Speaker 1: learning opportunity. Look what you have set up for yourself.

527
00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:10,879
Speaker 2: Yep.

528
00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:16,439
Speaker 1: So this autopsy is on a still birth. Wasn't dead.

529
00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:19,080
Speaker 1: It was kept the law. It was on life support.

530
00:35:21,080 --> 00:35:26,200
Speaker 1: It's life depended on you, and you had an unclear

531
00:35:26,320 --> 00:35:32,719
Speaker 1: intention about why you wanted it to live. Yeah, it

532
00:35:32,880 --> 00:35:37,200
Speaker 1: was on a respirator. It was on that heart thingy

533
00:35:37,560 --> 00:35:40,240
Speaker 1: that goes up. It was making all kinds of noises

534
00:35:40,320 --> 00:35:41,000
Speaker 1: and whistles.

535
00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:43,400
Speaker 2: And yes, So.

536
00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:50,600
Speaker 1: What a powerful learning experience because you never healed the

537
00:35:50,719 --> 00:35:54,000
Speaker 1: break from you and your son's father and the shame

538
00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:57,960
Speaker 1: of that, the guilt of that, whatever was present. You

539
00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:03,280
Speaker 1: just took that into the relationship. So my prescription for you, beloved,

540
00:36:05,040 --> 00:36:08,920
Speaker 1: is to go back there and heal that up. Really

541
00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:12,520
Speaker 1: look at that. But I really want to encourage you,

542
00:36:12,640 --> 00:36:16,160
Speaker 1: my beloved, to go back and clean that up. Go

543
00:36:16,280 --> 00:36:19,560
Speaker 1: back in your heart and your mind and clean that up.

544
00:36:20,760 --> 00:36:23,000
Speaker 3: I don't even know if I know how to do that.

545
00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:29,640
Speaker 1: Forgiveness, yes, uh huh. And you so you know, I

546
00:36:29,840 --> 00:36:34,360
Speaker 1: have lived a life where I've denied my intuition and

547
00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:39,440
Speaker 1: I forgive myself. I've lived a life where I didn't

548
00:36:39,520 --> 00:36:42,520
Speaker 1: believe I could have what I want, and I forgive myself.

549
00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:48,080
Speaker 1: This is all about forgiveness. Were you It really is?

550
00:36:49,239 --> 00:36:52,000
Speaker 1: And I stayed with the man that I knew wasn't

551
00:36:52,120 --> 00:36:54,400
Speaker 1: right for me. Because I didn't believe I could have

552
00:36:54,560 --> 00:36:55,240
Speaker 1: what I wanted.

553
00:36:55,680 --> 00:36:56,880
Speaker 4: And I forgive myself.

554
00:36:57,920 --> 00:37:05,719
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I've taken my son through an unhealthy manhood

555
00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:10,200
Speaker 1: experience that could effect him. And I forgive myself.

556
00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:16,880
Speaker 3: Yes, I forgive myself.

557
00:37:18,480 --> 00:37:18,680
Speaker 4: Yeah.

558
00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:20,879
Speaker 1: What else would you forgive yourself? For my love?

559
00:37:21,320 --> 00:37:25,520
Speaker 3: I forgive myself for not leaving and myself that I could,

560
00:37:26,680 --> 00:37:29,040
Speaker 3: that I could be what I wanted to be, do what.

561
00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:33,080
Speaker 1: I wanted to do, Yes, and have what you wanted

562
00:37:33,160 --> 00:37:38,480
Speaker 1: to have. And my my discharge instructions for you is

563
00:37:38,560 --> 00:37:39,400
Speaker 1: to get a divorce.

564
00:37:41,239 --> 00:37:45,040
Speaker 4: Yes, Yes, get a divorce.

565
00:37:45,760 --> 00:37:49,440
Speaker 1: Forget separation because you all have a history of separating

566
00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:52,120
Speaker 1: and going back together, but you're not going. This thing

567
00:37:52,239 --> 00:37:53,200
Speaker 1: is on life support.

568
00:37:53,520 --> 00:37:56,359
Speaker 3: Pull a plug, yes, ma'am.

569
00:37:56,520 --> 00:38:00,919
Speaker 1: Pull the plug, because there's nothing here that can be resurrected,

570
00:38:01,200 --> 00:38:06,600
Speaker 1: nothing except your faith and trust in yourself and the

571
00:38:06,719 --> 00:38:09,920
Speaker 1: belief that you can have what you want that can

572
00:38:10,000 --> 00:38:10,879
Speaker 1: be resurrected.

573
00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:15,439
Speaker 3: Yes, ma'am, and I have started on that journey. I'm

574
00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:18,840
Speaker 3: so grateful that I had the opportunity to speak with you.

575
00:38:19,480 --> 00:38:23,880
Speaker 1: You know, our heart, and particularly our heart as women,

576
00:38:24,960 --> 00:38:30,040
Speaker 1: has so much grace and mercy. It will never give

577
00:38:30,200 --> 00:38:34,920
Speaker 1: us or take us in the situations that we're unprepared for.

578
00:38:36,239 --> 00:38:39,480
Speaker 1: And everything that you've been through, lived through, done in

579
00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:43,040
Speaker 1: these eighteen years is exactly what you needed to do

580
00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:47,600
Speaker 1: to bring you to this moment, to come home to yourself,

581
00:38:48,360 --> 00:38:51,719
Speaker 1: to be able to do the work to move yourself

582
00:38:51,840 --> 00:38:54,480
Speaker 1: to the next level. You're gonna be all right, That's

583
00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:57,879
Speaker 1: what Todd Dribbitt said. Wow, were gonna be all right.

584
00:38:58,640 --> 00:39:01,719
Speaker 3: Yes, thank you so much, Thank you, my love.

585
00:39:02,320 --> 00:39:04,239
Speaker 1: You have a good day too.

586
00:39:04,920 --> 00:39:05,240
Speaker 3: Okay.

587
00:39:07,719 --> 00:39:12,520
Speaker 1: You can only give what you have and you can

588
00:39:12,760 --> 00:39:17,880
Speaker 1: only receive what you give. And when we do not

589
00:39:18,280 --> 00:39:24,600
Speaker 1: allow ourself to know the truth, to tell the truth,

590
00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:28,279
Speaker 1: it is going to be hard to find truth in

591
00:39:28,360 --> 00:39:34,440
Speaker 1: a relationship. And sometimes we don't tell the truth because

592
00:39:35,160 --> 00:39:38,919
Speaker 1: we don't know what to do about it. So since

593
00:39:39,000 --> 00:39:41,840
Speaker 1: we don't know what to do about the truth, we

594
00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:46,200
Speaker 1: act like the truth doesn't exist. That's a death blow

595
00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:50,040
Speaker 1: to any relationship, the relationship with yourself, the relationship with

596
00:39:50,200 --> 00:39:55,279
Speaker 1: other people. Not telling the truth, not acknowledging the truth,

597
00:39:55,680 --> 00:40:00,800
Speaker 1: not embracing the truth, will put your relationship on life support.

598
00:40:01,160 --> 00:40:05,239
Speaker 1: And sometimes the only way to pull a plug is

599
00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:08,960
Speaker 1: to tell the truth. And you know, sometimes people are

600
00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:11,600
Speaker 1: on a respirator and forever, and they pull a plug.

601
00:40:11,680 --> 00:40:14,120
Speaker 1: They think the person's gonna die, and they don't. If

602
00:40:14,160 --> 00:40:17,880
Speaker 1: you can tell the truth, pull a plug on the denial,

603
00:40:18,080 --> 00:40:24,160
Speaker 1: the resistance, the self abuse, whatever else you want to

604
00:40:24,239 --> 00:40:27,080
Speaker 1: call it, pull a plug on that. And if that

605
00:40:27,280 --> 00:40:30,560
Speaker 1: relationship is supposed to live, it will. I hope that

606
00:40:30,719 --> 00:40:33,120
Speaker 1: you know something now that you didn't know. When you're

607
00:40:33,160 --> 00:40:37,880
Speaker 1: tuned in, and until we meet again, stay in peace

608
00:40:38,800 --> 00:40:46,520
Speaker 1: and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of

609
00:40:46,680 --> 00:40:52,040
Speaker 1: Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from

610
00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:57,480
Speaker 1: Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

611
00:40:57,600 --> 00:40:59,680
Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.

612
00:41:00,040 --> 00:41:00,080
Speaker 3: No