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Speaker 1: Brought to you by the reinvented two thousand twelve Camray.

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Speaker 1: It's ready. Are you welcome to stump Mom Never told you?

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Speaker 1: From house top works dot Com. Hello, and welcome to

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Speaker 1: the podcast. I'm Kristen and I'm Molly, So Molly. I

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Speaker 1: wrote an article for Discovering News not too long ago

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Speaker 1: about adult sexting behaviors sex sexting, sexting. That's right. I

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Speaker 1: kind of jumped on that word. They're sexting because most

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Speaker 1: of the headlines that we see about sexting have to

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Speaker 1: do with teen sexting behavior because a it terrifies people

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Speaker 1: to think that young kids are taking neuty picks themselves

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Speaker 1: and sending it to their friends via cellular telephone, and

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Speaker 1: b because some of these kids have been arrested since

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Speaker 1: those neuty picks can be legally deemed child pornography. So

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Speaker 1: it's sexing has just been this kind of cultural phenomenon.

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Speaker 1: People have been freaking out about it. Are your kids sexting?

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Speaker 1: What you can do to stop your kids from sexting? Meanwhile,

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Speaker 1: a lot of adults are sending spy cy six two.

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Speaker 1: So the point of the Discovery News article was to

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Speaker 1: look at the frequency of adults sexing and maybe why

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Speaker 1: we do it and if there's any danger at all,

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Speaker 1: because it's always painted in the media as this negative

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Speaker 1: kind of thing, but come to find out a lot

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Speaker 1: of us are doing it and there's really not much

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Speaker 1: harm to it. Yeah, I mean, I think that, you know,

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Speaker 1: the adult factor is something that isn't really brought up,

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Speaker 1: I guess because most people can assume it's too consensual adults, uh,

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Speaker 1: you know, texting. But I think that you uncovered some

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Speaker 1: really interesting things about the psychology of sexting. Yes, And

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Speaker 1: before we get into the psychology, let's just toss out

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Speaker 1: some statistics. So the people the age demographic that sex

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Speaker 1: the most, that's such a hardware really is sex and

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Speaker 1: we kind of use it as a verb band as

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Speaker 1: a Now, so the demographic that sends sexy texts most

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Speaker 1: is eighteen to twenty six year olds and according to

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Speaker 1: some preliminary research from Indiana University and Purdue University, anywhere

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Speaker 1: from to seventy seven percent of college age kids in

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Speaker 1: committed relationships. And that's key right now, committed relationships have

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Speaker 1: sent either sexually explicit pictures or messages to their significant other.

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Speaker 1: This does not take into account people in casual sexual relationships. Okay,

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Speaker 1: so a lot of us are doing it. And to

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Speaker 1: follow up on that, a recent poll commissioned by Playboy

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Speaker 1: found that sixteen percent of adults say they sent sex

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Speaker 1: there it is again sex before and six obviously much

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Speaker 1: lower than that college age survey, but that might be

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Speaker 1: because the Playboy survey took in a larger a wider

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Speaker 1: range of ages, so it bumped down that percentage. But nevertheless,

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Speaker 1: a lot of us are sexting. And the from the

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Speaker 1: people I talked to, everyone said that, you know what,

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Speaker 1: it's time for this to stop being a trend piece

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Speaker 1: because this has become a normalized part of our dating culture.

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Speaker 1: Well think how normalized, you know, using your phone for

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Speaker 1: twenty four hours a day. It's become you know, we

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Speaker 1: all do have our phones just sort of you know,

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Speaker 1: always there. So I think it makes sense that a

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Speaker 1: lot of people do it just because it's so easy,

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Speaker 1: so easy. Just you know, think how often you send

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Speaker 1: just a regular text message during the day. I'm texting

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Speaker 1: you right now, you are. It's kind of distracting. Um

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Speaker 1: and and so if it's so easy to do, then

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Speaker 1: you know, it seems like this would be a really

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Speaker 1: great way to sort of supercharge a relationship, maybe jump

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Speaker 1: start something that's ailing. And that's you know, you sent

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Speaker 1: me one article from the a r A a r

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Speaker 1: P formerly American Association of Retired Persons UM where marriage

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Speaker 1: counselor said, you know, it's good to tech in a

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Speaker 1: long term relationship because it can get you know, the

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Speaker 1: fire sparking again. Yeah, you can say a little spicy

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Speaker 1: something or other during the workout. Yeah, get get those

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Speaker 1: wheels of turning upstairs to get the wheels of dirt

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Speaker 1: and downstairs, or you know what I mean, And I

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Speaker 1: think you can do so, I'm not sure. I apologies

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Speaker 1: for that. So the thing about sexting among yes to

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Speaker 1: consenting adults, we're gonna keep saying that over never agetting

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Speaker 1: to consenting adults and also to consenting adults in committed relationships,

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Speaker 1: because that really helps things out. Is that there's nothing

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Speaker 1: wrong with sending the sex, but if you find yourself

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Speaker 1: habitually sexting, it might be a cue that there's some

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Speaker 1: underlying psychology at work that could be a red flag

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Speaker 1: in a relationship. That's right, and you break this down

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Speaker 1: into anxiously attached women and avoid we attached men. And

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Speaker 1: I think that you can sort of, you know, garner

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Speaker 1: a picture of what these kind of people look like,

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Speaker 1: and you're having you here anxiously attached woman, a woman

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Speaker 1: who might be sort of insecure about where the relationship is,

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Speaker 1: and an avoidantly attached man, that kind of guy who

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Speaker 1: you have trouble maybe pinning down for his weekend plans. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: he avoids the avoids intimacy. So apparently these are sort

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Speaker 1: of the two um red flags you might watch for

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Speaker 1: if you're a frequent sextor to find out if you're

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Speaker 1: this personality type, because it might affect or might indicate

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Speaker 1: the health of your relationship. Right, these preliminary This preliminary

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Speaker 1: research that we mentioned from Indiana and Purdue found that

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Speaker 1: the people who sex the most are anxiously attached women,

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Speaker 1: and there was a gender breakdown and that it was

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Speaker 1: it was the women sending most these sex and it

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Speaker 1: was those avoidant men who were receiving a bulk of them. So,

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Speaker 1: if you find yourself feeling the need to constantly send

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Speaker 1: a sex in order to validate or reconfirm someone's attraction

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Speaker 1: to you, uh, you might want to work on your

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Speaker 1: face to face time because among these relationships, people were

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Speaker 1: sexing more than they were having face to face sexual conversations,

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Speaker 1: not necessarily sexual encounters, but sexual conversations um, and even

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Speaker 1: more than something like phone sex. And it's because uh,

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Speaker 1: sexing is a low commitment form of communication. Um. In

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Speaker 1: the words of the psychologists I talked to, it's much

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Speaker 1: easier to say, take your shirt off if you're alone

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Speaker 1: in your room and take a picture of it and

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Speaker 1: send it that it might be to take your shirt

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Speaker 1: off in in front of someone. Yeah, And I think

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Speaker 1: that that's a key thing that comes out of this

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Speaker 1: is it can kind of make you feel a relationship

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Speaker 1: is farther along than it might necessarily be. You might, um,

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Speaker 1: you know, because you've sent all these racy pictures to

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Speaker 1: a fella, you might think that he has uh that you.

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Speaker 1: You know, you both see the relationship in the same way.

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Speaker 1: Whereas you know, since the book of people who book

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Speaker 1: of men who received the text are these avoidantly attached men,

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Speaker 1: it's sort of a way for them to avoid having

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Speaker 1: that face to face conversation or face to face sexual

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Speaker 1: conversation about where exactly exactly the relationship is. And it's

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Speaker 1: gonna be interesting to see how these same findings shake

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Speaker 1: out for casual sexual relationships because all of this is

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Speaker 1: still focused around committed relationships. I think the average duration

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Speaker 1: was something around two years, so these people have been

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Speaker 1: together for a while. So we're not sure whether or

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Speaker 1: not UM people who are anxious and preoccupied might actually

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Speaker 1: be more hesitant to sex someone UM that they are

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Speaker 1: interested in or not. But if you are in a

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Speaker 1: relationship and you find yourself sexing all the time, then

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Speaker 1: you might want to watch out for it. But here

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Speaker 1: is an interesting little side tidbit about teen sexting, and

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Speaker 1: because the major risk involved with sexing is the permanence

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Speaker 1: if you send someone, especially if your face isn't it

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Speaker 1: you send someone a nude picture and it's just there

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Speaker 1: and anyone can see it. I from personal experience, have

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Speaker 1: seen sex that you know, sent to guy friends of

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Speaker 1: mind that I did not want to see, but they

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Speaker 1: was just there and you know that's that's it's terrifying prospect.

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Speaker 1: So why do we take these risks? Well, some neurobiologists

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Speaker 1: think that it has to do with the developing frontal

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Speaker 1: cortex because it develops UM into your twenties and this

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Speaker 1: is a part of your brain that manages impulse control,

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Speaker 1: so they think that younger people tend to sext more

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Speaker 1: because we are more prone to risk taking. Since our

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Speaker 1: friendal cortex is haven't really developed um enough to say,

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Speaker 1: whoa hold on, let's sload down and think about this.

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Speaker 1: And if I may recommend an article on how stuff

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Speaker 1: works dot com that deals with this very phenomenon Christen,

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Speaker 1: It's is teenagers are teenagers brains different than adult brains.

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Speaker 1: And I don't want to brag, but I wrote it,

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Speaker 1: well it must be, it must be grade A plus.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, it deals with this fact that, you know,

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Speaker 1: how many risking behaviors can we attribute to teenagers And

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Speaker 1: it does come to this fact that teenager brains are

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Speaker 1: still developing this idea of you know, risk control and

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Speaker 1: measured risk. Um. You know, but we've seen plenty of

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Speaker 1: adults in the news lately that you know, should know

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Speaker 1: better and get caught in these uh sexting scandals, and

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Speaker 1: you know, the permanence isivic thing. But also just remembering that,

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Speaker 1: you know, if you're an anxiously attached to avoidantly attached

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Speaker 1: person receiving or sending the text, A person who sends

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Speaker 1: its sex is probably assuming that it's for one person's eyes,

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Speaker 1: all right, And that seems to be where the trouble

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Speaker 1: starts with that assumption, because it seems like a lot

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Speaker 1: of people received the sex and go whoa look at this,

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Speaker 1: or forwarded onto a hundred friends and after you break

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Speaker 1: up and sex or fair game. Yeah, So I think

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Speaker 1: that that's that's sort of the big thing. I think that, um,

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Speaker 1: you know, because it is so easy, and because it's

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Speaker 1: such an easy way, like you said, to test the

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Speaker 1: waters of where you are in a relationship. It's really

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Speaker 1: easy just to send out a sex to someone who's

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Speaker 1: new in your life. But remembering that you know you

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Speaker 1: may not know them and you may not know what

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Speaker 1: they are inclined to do with that, you've gotta you've

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Speaker 1: gotta be really careful. Yeah, And I think we want

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Speaker 1: to underscore the fact that no one is saying that

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Speaker 1: sexing is wrong or it is bad, or it's something

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Speaker 1: that you shouldn't do. In the words of James Lipton

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Speaker 1: from Inside the Actors Studio, who recorded a Great p S,

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Speaker 1: a series um urging teens to chill out on sexting,

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Speaker 1: he said, just give it a ponder before you sex,

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Speaker 1: and that's good advice for adults and kids. Absolutely, but

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Speaker 1: let's um, you know, we we didn't want to kind

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Speaker 1: of dwell on this fact that teen sexting is such

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Speaker 1: a scary thing. We wanted to talk more about this

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Speaker 1: adult psychology within committed relationships. But I think that you

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Speaker 1: can learn a lot of lessons from the adults and

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Speaker 1: apply them if you are a teenager out there listening.

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Speaker 1: And one is that sometimes, as we've said, sexting can

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Speaker 1: be a red flag for how the relationship is going.

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Speaker 1: If you're sending a sex to try and prove yourself

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Speaker 1: to someone of the opposite sex, you know that's it's

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Speaker 1: a red flag of the relationship is maybe not where

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Speaker 1: you want it to be. Before you start sending out

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Speaker 1: racy messages or nude pictures, Yeah, maybe think about would

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Speaker 1: you do this in a face to face scenario, and

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Speaker 1: I the answer is always no, Then maybe you're doing

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Speaker 1: something that you aren't actually comfortable with because this is

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Speaker 1: sex thing really just lowers the barrier of intimacy, and

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Speaker 1: it also escalates um or accelerates i should say, the

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Speaker 1: speed at which we are entering into these kind of

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Speaker 1: intimate communications. And maybe we just need to take a

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Speaker 1: little more time, give it a little more pondering and

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Speaker 1: sex if you want to. If you're in a great, secure,

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Speaker 1: committed relationship. I think Dan Savage would agree with us

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Speaker 1: and say, yeah, I go ahead, sind send the saucy text,

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Speaker 1: but just realize that it's permanent and think about um.

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Speaker 1: If you find yourself doing it all the time, maybe

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Speaker 1: stop and ask yourself why. Remember that you know, the

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Speaker 1: adult studies have always dealt with consenting. People don't feel

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Speaker 1: pressured into doing it even though it seems like everyone's

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Speaker 1: staying it because you eat all these horror newspaper for

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Speaker 1: stories are like, oh my god, uh, you know, it

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Speaker 1: doesn't have to be something that everything everyone is doing

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Speaker 1: and yourself and will Stoll be there in a month

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Speaker 1: if you just want to chill. And one thing that

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Speaker 1: we haven't touched on is the role of sexing and

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Speaker 1: long distance relationships. I can imagine that this that our

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Speaker 1: warnings might change a little bit if your beloved is

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Speaker 1: living across across the country from me or something. So

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Speaker 1: I would be curious to see, you know, in a

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Speaker 1: in a very PG kind of way. If we have

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Speaker 1: listeners out there who were like, well, this is our

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Speaker 1: only real way to um engage in these kind of

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Speaker 1: this kind of sexual communication, because now sexing his eclipsed

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Speaker 1: phone sex, which I think is very interesting. So anyway,

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Speaker 1: no one talks anymore. Nobody talks anymore, especially not certainly

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Speaker 1: not face to face and now not even over the phone.

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Speaker 1: Uh So what if we release the whole podcast of

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Speaker 1: us just texting each other? I think that would be

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Speaker 1: incredibly boring because how would people understand my accents and

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Speaker 1: verbal inflections. So that's one one reason at least right there,

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Speaker 1: that that texting and sexing should not become a dominant

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Speaker 1: form of communication. It should be an aid to a relationship,

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Speaker 1: but not the whole thing. Yeah, kind of like emoticons sing,

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Speaker 1: sing and give him a ponder in professional situation, please

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Speaker 1: unless it's the winking one, in which case send away.

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Speaker 1: So if you have any thoughts to add to this

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Speaker 1: sext and conversation, send us an email. I'd say Texas,

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Speaker 1: but I'm not giving you my phone number. Our email

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Speaker 1: Jose's mom stuff at how stuff works dot com. And

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Speaker 1: in the meantime, let's read a couple of emails. All right,

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Speaker 1: I have an email here from Sarah and it's about

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Speaker 1: the mail doctor versus Female Doctor podcast, and Sarah has

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Speaker 1: a really great perspective on this because get this, Christen.

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Speaker 1: She has a female doctor married to a male doctor.

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Speaker 1: So best of both worlds here, and they're both a optometrist.

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Speaker 1: And Sarah writes, I wanted to touch on the topic

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Speaker 1: that you did not delve into patient perceptions of doctors.

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Speaker 1: I am a young looking, blonde haired, blue eyed female.

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Speaker 1: I am not the stereotypical eye doctor. There have been

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Speaker 1: any times that people ask me when the real doctor

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Speaker 1: is coming in. As I age, this happens less people

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Speaker 1: question my qualifications and decisions. I get the occasional patient

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Speaker 1: complaint about my demeanor because people think I am rude

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Speaker 1: from my questions or medical advice. I'm a very good doctor,

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Speaker 1: and I've learned not to take it personally. I've also

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Speaker 1: learned to laugh it off. My husband is also young

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Speaker 1: looking and handsome. Lucky me, she writes, he has never

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Speaker 1: been asked when the real doctor is coming. He never

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Speaker 1: gets his qualifications or decisions questions. He also never had

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Speaker 1: a patient complain about his bedside manner, comments or care.

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Speaker 1: He gets away with saying much more probing, directive, almost

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Speaker 1: mean things that I would never even attempt. This is

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Speaker 1: an example. When someone says I want glasses or contacts,

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Speaker 1: but I cannot afford them. He will say, stop smoking

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Speaker 1: that half pack per day and you can afford in

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Speaker 1: one month. They laugh when he says it. They almost

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Speaker 1: lunge at me in anger if I say the same thing.

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Speaker 1: He has perceived as funny and charming. I am perceived

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Speaker 1: as a word that runs with which although she wrote

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Speaker 1: the actual word. Well, I've got one here from Sam

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Speaker 1: and this is in response to our podcast on cat

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Speaker 1: calling and street harassment and really fast, I want to

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Speaker 1: give a shout out to Emily May from Hallaback. Apparently

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Speaker 1: she's a stuff I'm never told you fan, which is

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Speaker 1: so exciting. So onto Sam, who is part of a

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Speaker 1: fraternity in a downtown major city. He says, as a

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Speaker 1: result of our location, we have a decent number of

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Speaker 1: women walking past our house on any given night. As

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Speaker 1: you said, I think cat calling has much more to

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Speaker 1: do with impressing the guys that accompany the cat caller

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Speaker 1: than it has to do with the target herself. Further,

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Speaker 1: in my experience, the guys that yell out seem to

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Speaker 1: have lower self confidence in the rest of the bunch,

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Speaker 1: so perhaps start trying to prove something regardless, I think

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Speaker 1: it's something that should not happen. I try to deter

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Speaker 1: my friends from doing it whenever it happens, partly for

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Speaker 1: the selfish reason of trying to preserve the reputation of

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Speaker 1: our fraternity, but also because I would hate to think

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Speaker 1: of any of my female relatives being treated in such

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Speaker 1: a way. I've witnessed women being flattered by cat calling,

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Speaker 1: but I've also seen too many instances where it clearly

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Speaker 1: makes them uncomfortable. For one, it instantly reduces them to

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Speaker 1: purely set actual objects, and I can imagine it's difficult

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Speaker 1: to stand up to a group of rowdy, drunken guys

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Speaker 1: when you're one woman alone on the street. Cat Callers

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Speaker 1: are basically the trolls of real life, hiding behind the

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Speaker 1: shield of anonymity in order to in order to deliver

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Speaker 1: their crude, callous comments. I can't think of any great

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Speaker 1: solutions to the problem, but I'll still try and persuade

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Speaker 1: my drunken friends to give those lady passers by a break.

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Speaker 1: So this is my favorite email from a fraternity member,

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Speaker 1: because Sam, thank you for in one pill swoop just

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Speaker 1: challenging so many stereotypes about UH fraternity's that that circulate.

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Speaker 1: It is wonderful to know and I know that this exists,

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Speaker 1: but it's still wonderful confirmation that there are plenty of

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Speaker 1: great Greek guys out there. So keep your emails coming.

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Speaker 1: We address his Mom's Stuff at how stuff Works dot com.

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Speaker 1: We'd also love to hear from you on Facebook, so

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Speaker 1: you can interact with other listeners as well. Where on Facebook,

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Speaker 1: head over there and like us. You can also follow

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Speaker 1: us on Twitter at Mom's Stuff podcast. And finally, you

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Speaker 1: can head over to our blog It's stuff member told

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Speaker 1: you you can find at how stuff works dot com.

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Speaker 1: Be sure to check out our new video podcast, Stuff

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Speaker 1: from the Future. Join how Stuff Work staff as we

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Speaker 1: explore the most promising and perplexing possibilities of tomorrow. The

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Speaker 1: how stef Works iPhone app has arrived. Download it today

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Speaker 1: on iTunes, brought to you by the reinvented two thousand

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Speaker 1: twelve camera. It's ready, are you