WEBVTT - 237. The psychology of shame 0:00:04.480 --> 0:00:09.320 Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 0:00:09.960 --> 0:00:12.320 the podcast where we talk through some of the big 0:00:12.560 --> 0:00:16.920 life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 0:00:17.000 --> 0:00:26.439 mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 0:00:26.640 --> 0:00:31.200 Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever 0:00:31.280 --> 0:00:33.960 you are in the world, it is so great to 0:00:34.000 --> 0:00:37.320 have you here. Back for another episode as we break 0:00:37.560 --> 0:00:43.640 down the psychology of our twenties. This episode was listener requested. 0:00:44.000 --> 0:00:47.680 Actually it was requested a lot of times, a lot 0:00:47.680 --> 0:00:51.760 of times, and as with all listener requested episodes, I 0:00:51.840 --> 0:00:55.280 always am like, how have I never done this before? 0:00:55.720 --> 0:00:58.800 Because when you start thinking about it, A lot of 0:00:58.880 --> 0:01:03.440 us live with shame about who we are, and we 0:01:03.560 --> 0:01:07.920 carry that in silence. We are ashamed, each of us. 0:01:07.959 --> 0:01:10.720 I think of something in our lives, of our past, 0:01:11.000 --> 0:01:15.960 our past mistakes, maybe our bodies, our choices, our identity, 0:01:16.319 --> 0:01:21.679 our entire personhood at times, and that shame takes over 0:01:21.800 --> 0:01:25.760 quite literally everything. It can become a constant companion and 0:01:25.840 --> 0:01:28.000 everything that we do, so that when we wake up 0:01:28.400 --> 0:01:30.320 we feel like we aren't good enough. When we want 0:01:30.319 --> 0:01:33.240 to take a risk or do something brave, we can't 0:01:33.240 --> 0:01:36.560 trust ourselves when good things happen to us, we think 0:01:36.600 --> 0:01:41.760 we don't deserve them. Shame is above all else, at 0:01:41.800 --> 0:01:44.959 its core, at its beginnings, it's a social or moral emotion. 0:01:45.680 --> 0:01:49.040 That's what it was, what it's kind of evolved to be. 0:01:49.800 --> 0:01:53.280 We feel it very intensely in situations where we believe 0:01:53.320 --> 0:01:57.560 that we have upset, offended, disgusted someone, or when we 0:01:57.600 --> 0:02:00.880 go against some social norm or moral health by society. 0:02:00.920 --> 0:02:04.840 That means that perhaps we deserve to be punished, outcast, 0:02:04.960 --> 0:02:09.600 we are unworthy of acceptance and forgiveness. This is what 0:02:09.680 --> 0:02:13.919 makes it a deeply painful emotion that seems so hardwired 0:02:14.040 --> 0:02:18.320 into our social brains. It's a way to make us behave, 0:02:18.440 --> 0:02:20.400 make sure that we are good boys and girls, and 0:02:20.960 --> 0:02:24.120 also that we hide behavior that we think others will 0:02:24.800 --> 0:02:29.119 judge us for. We hide ourselves away all together when 0:02:29.160 --> 0:02:32.240 we think that our mistakes or something about us makes 0:02:32.320 --> 0:02:36.080 us unsavory as a whole, not worthy of being seen. 0:02:36.639 --> 0:02:40.000 This is the problem with chronic shame. It's that we 0:02:40.040 --> 0:02:44.680 don't just feel this emotion in response to specific circumstances, 0:02:44.720 --> 0:02:47.960 because that would be guilt. We feel shame even when 0:02:48.000 --> 0:02:51.240 we are alone, even when there is no audience, there 0:02:51.320 --> 0:02:55.200 is no offensive behavior that we have committed. And that 0:02:55.360 --> 0:02:58.200 is the kind of shame that I want to discuss today. 0:02:58.800 --> 0:03:03.160 Toxic make shame that just doesn't accompany a hiccup or 0:03:03.160 --> 0:03:05.600 small mistake, but which kind of ends up feeling like 0:03:06.440 --> 0:03:08.760 part of our DNA. And that's what it means to 0:03:08.800 --> 0:03:13.440 be shame bound. And it's one of the big battles 0:03:13.880 --> 0:03:16.000 that a lot of us have to overcome in our 0:03:16.040 --> 0:03:20.720 twenties to be released from this very oppressive force that 0:03:20.880 --> 0:03:23.320 keeps us small. And that is what shame does. Shame 0:03:24.000 --> 0:03:27.760 keeps us small because it becomes self imposed. 0:03:28.440 --> 0:03:31.560 At some point. We don't need another person to give 0:03:31.639 --> 0:03:34.440 us a dirty look, or to humiliate us, or to 0:03:34.560 --> 0:03:38.000 expose us, reject us all of those things. We end 0:03:38.080 --> 0:03:41.240 up doing them to ourselves in a way as a 0:03:41.240 --> 0:03:45.720 way to stop us from being critiqued and seen, and 0:03:45.960 --> 0:03:49.320 because we almost anticipate that if we were to show 0:03:49.400 --> 0:03:52.920 up and try hard and be visible, someone is going 0:03:52.960 --> 0:03:55.240 to find something about us that we deserve to be 0:03:55.280 --> 0:03:58.640 ashamed of. I don't think that it will come as 0:03:58.680 --> 0:04:02.520 a surprise that, sadly, this pattern has a lot of 0:04:02.600 --> 0:04:05.400 roots in trauma, and not just the big trauma that 0:04:05.400 --> 0:04:08.520 we think of, but small moments where we were made 0:04:08.600 --> 0:04:13.080 to feel terrible and disgusting because of part of who 0:04:13.120 --> 0:04:17.159 we were. So let's talk about it today. I want 0:04:17.200 --> 0:04:22.880 to really discuss how shame gets implanted in our self concept, 0:04:23.320 --> 0:04:26.719 what that feels like, what that does to our ambition, 0:04:27.080 --> 0:04:30.479 what that does to our direction, but also some of 0:04:30.520 --> 0:04:34.600 the best advice I have encountered in a long time 0:04:34.880 --> 0:04:38.960 on how to release ourself from being shame bound. I 0:04:39.000 --> 0:04:41.320 know this is something that a lot of us live 0:04:41.400 --> 0:04:44.560 with for different reasons, and we're going to discuss those 0:04:44.600 --> 0:04:47.080 as well. But I really hope that if the thing 0:04:47.600 --> 0:04:49.680 what you might actually realize is that the thing that 0:04:49.800 --> 0:04:53.720 is keeping you from everything you might want, everything that 0:04:53.760 --> 0:04:57.840 you could be, is not a lack of effort. It's 0:04:57.880 --> 0:05:01.640 not because you're lazy, it's not because you don't know 0:05:01.680 --> 0:05:04.760 what you want. It's not because you're not capable. It's 0:05:04.800 --> 0:05:09.039 because of an inherent shame that you feel around being 0:05:09.400 --> 0:05:14.159 seen and being loud and being heard. So without further ado, 0:05:14.480 --> 0:05:23.960 let's discuss the psychology of shame. Brene Brown is one 0:05:24.000 --> 0:05:28.920 of my favorite favorite researchers people in general, and in 0:05:28.960 --> 0:05:32.320 her very well known ted talk, which is called The 0:05:32.360 --> 0:05:35.159 Power of Vulnerability, was released almost fourteen years ago. It's 0:05:35.279 --> 0:05:39.200 incredibly popular. It's a must watch. She says that shame 0:05:39.320 --> 0:05:43.960 is essentially the fear of disconnection, and it sits very 0:05:44.000 --> 0:05:49.160 closely besides our fear of loneliness, of judgment, ostracization, and 0:05:49.240 --> 0:05:53.480 social pain, because basically it is posing a very insidious 0:05:53.520 --> 0:05:56.640 and toxic line of questioning. Is there something about me 0:05:56.800 --> 0:06:00.000 that if other people were to know or were to say, 0:06:00.920 --> 0:06:04.480 they would believe I wasn't worthy of belonging? And if 0:06:04.520 --> 0:06:07.240 there is, I better hide it? Or else how could 0:06:07.240 --> 0:06:10.640 I be loved and accepted? There is this kind of 0:06:10.760 --> 0:06:14.279 toss up in our brain. Either I can be truthful, open, 0:06:14.320 --> 0:06:17.360 I can be myself and maybe I won't ever be loved. 0:06:17.839 --> 0:06:20.600 Or I can be secretive and I can conceal who 0:06:20.680 --> 0:06:23.960 I really am and maybe I can be loved. Those 0:06:24.200 --> 0:06:26.039 in our mind when we are shamed bound are the 0:06:26.080 --> 0:06:29.080 only two options. We never once think, well, maybe the 0:06:29.120 --> 0:06:31.360 things I'm ashamed of others would just see as part 0:06:31.400 --> 0:06:33.240 of me. That would just be something that they love 0:06:33.279 --> 0:06:36.280 and that they would nurture. That's not how chronic shame works. 0:06:36.600 --> 0:06:39.840 It's a very limited belief that if you are unworthy 0:06:39.880 --> 0:06:42.920 in some ways, you'd better be hiding that part of yourself. 0:06:43.760 --> 0:06:48.880 This results in a number of really really unfortunate, unhappy 0:06:49.480 --> 0:06:52.919 behaviors and compulsions, like the need to self isolate. If 0:06:52.960 --> 0:06:56.880 you've ever found yourself, you know, self isolating after a 0:06:56.880 --> 0:06:59.560 big social event and you don't think that you're an 0:06:59.560 --> 0:07:05.160 introvert or hiding away after like a really long exhausting 0:07:05.240 --> 0:07:07.440 day in front of people, or after a big presentation, 0:07:07.600 --> 0:07:10.120 or after you've spoken your mind, feeling the need to 0:07:10.120 --> 0:07:13.040 be silent. Maybe that comes from shame. There's also an 0:07:13.080 --> 0:07:17.920 intense embarrassment or anxiety in social situations. There is a 0:07:17.960 --> 0:07:22.440 self loathing, there is a self sabotage, feeling of rejection, 0:07:23.280 --> 0:07:27.200 all of which stop us from attempting anything that might 0:07:27.320 --> 0:07:29.920 make us feel seen, because that is what shame does. 0:07:30.000 --> 0:07:34.240 It's a minimizer. Literally, think about the physical actions and behaviors, 0:07:34.280 --> 0:07:38.200 the physicalities that a company feeling shame. Think about the 0:07:38.280 --> 0:07:40.680 last time that you were like, oh my gosh, I 0:07:40.760 --> 0:07:44.960 feel ashamed. You were probably not making eye contact, you 0:07:45.000 --> 0:07:52.080 were slouching your shoulders, lowering your head, almost curling into yourself. Physically, socially, mentally, 0:07:52.760 --> 0:07:56.760 shame's goal is to shrink us. The opposite of shame 0:07:57.200 --> 0:08:00.960 in that sense is self acceptance excepting who you are, 0:08:01.320 --> 0:08:04.840 your body, your identity, how you've gotten here, even if 0:08:04.840 --> 0:08:08.320 you have regrets, and that self acceptance, that self confidence, 0:08:08.920 --> 0:08:15.160 that is what makes us expansive, self assured creatures, passionate, outspoken, 0:08:15.520 --> 0:08:18.800 loud about life creatures. And that's the goal here, that's 0:08:18.840 --> 0:08:21.200 the direction that we want to move in. But before 0:08:21.200 --> 0:08:23.040 we get there, I do need to give you few 0:08:23.080 --> 0:08:27.880 more crucial details about the pathology and the underworkings underpinnings 0:08:28.440 --> 0:08:31.640 of shame. So shame is universal. I know it feels 0:08:31.680 --> 0:08:34.640 like quite a solitary experience, that is the nature of it. 0:08:35.040 --> 0:08:38.520 But the only people on this planet who don't experience 0:08:38.559 --> 0:08:43.000 shame are those who have essentially no human empathy. They 0:08:43.040 --> 0:08:46.880 have no desire to be liked or be seen or 0:08:46.920 --> 0:08:52.240 accepted by others. So we might call these people psychopaths, right, 0:08:52.720 --> 0:08:55.559 and a few studies have found a very strong association 0:08:55.640 --> 0:09:01.040 between psychopathy and low shame proneness, which basically means that 0:09:01.760 --> 0:09:03.839 even if you were to do something that's like objectively 0:09:03.840 --> 0:09:06.120 wrong and immoral, you still don't feel bad about it. 0:09:06.640 --> 0:09:09.200 There was a really fascinating case study that I dug 0:09:09.200 --> 0:09:10.840 out of the archives and I was looking into this, 0:09:11.320 --> 0:09:15.080 and it's on a man, This an unnamed man who 0:09:15.280 --> 0:09:17.840 was in prison in the US, and he had admitted 0:09:18.280 --> 0:09:21.400 his crime. His crime was armed robbery and actually resulted 0:09:21.400 --> 0:09:25.480 in someone being murdered. But even years later, he felt 0:09:25.520 --> 0:09:28.760 no remorse at all, He felt no shame. He believed 0:09:28.760 --> 0:09:31.120 that he was justified because of how he was raised, 0:09:31.679 --> 0:09:34.080 and when he was in prison, he continued to steal, 0:09:34.440 --> 0:09:38.000 to lie, to do interviews, what he almost bragged about 0:09:38.040 --> 0:09:41.160 his crimes, whatever he could to basically get his way, 0:09:41.280 --> 0:09:44.400 even when it meant others were hurt. All because of that. 0:09:44.559 --> 0:09:47.520 You know that part of us that lights up when 0:09:47.520 --> 0:09:50.439 we hurt, we injure, we upset someone else. Our shame 0:09:50.520 --> 0:09:54.240 center his basically wasn't working. And that's kind of the 0:09:54.280 --> 0:09:57.800 alternative that we're working with. Shame is also very different 0:09:58.400 --> 0:10:02.680 to guilt. I know they are sometimes used interchangeably, but guilt, 0:10:03.360 --> 0:10:07.800 I actually believe it's adaptive. You know, it is tied 0:10:07.880 --> 0:10:11.520 to a specific situation in which we have done something 0:10:11.880 --> 0:10:14.840 objectively wrong, We've made a mistake, and we can say, 0:10:14.880 --> 0:10:17.120 you know, I feel guilty for how I've acted, because 0:10:17.120 --> 0:10:20.680 I've messed up, I've hurt someone, And that acknowledgment of 0:10:20.720 --> 0:10:23.280 a specific instance in which we have gone against our 0:10:23.320 --> 0:10:28.160 own kind of our own expectations for ourselves, our own standards, 0:10:28.559 --> 0:10:31.080 that makes us a better person. We bring ourselves back 0:10:31.080 --> 0:10:35.200 in line. Shame, on the other hand, it does not 0:10:35.280 --> 0:10:38.079 make you a better person. At no point is shame 0:10:38.120 --> 0:10:41.160 going to make you better. In fact, it's just so 0:10:41.320 --> 0:10:45.920 incredibly destructive because it rests on the premises that it's 0:10:45.960 --> 0:10:48.800 not just that we sometimes make mistakes, is that our 0:10:48.880 --> 0:10:52.280 whole sense of self we are a mistake. We are wrong, 0:10:52.800 --> 0:10:55.400 even when we have no evidence for that, even when 0:10:55.400 --> 0:10:59.800 it's not situation specific, like guilt. Oftentimes, when you feel shame, 0:10:59.800 --> 0:11:02.640 you begin to notice that no one's even around. You 0:11:02.679 --> 0:11:06.640 haven't hurt anyone, You are a good person, there's nothing 0:11:06.640 --> 0:11:09.120 that you can think of, but you still feel this 0:11:09.240 --> 0:11:13.920 deep sting just by existing. Also, I think the other 0:11:14.080 --> 0:11:16.800 key point here that I didn't mention before, guilt actually 0:11:16.840 --> 0:11:19.520 has somewhere to go right. You know, we can rectify 0:11:19.559 --> 0:11:23.400 our mistakes, we can apologize, it can motivate good behavior. 0:11:24.000 --> 0:11:29.400 Shame lingers, it doesn't exit. It just implants deeper and 0:11:29.480 --> 0:11:33.360 deeper within us. Something really important to remember is that 0:11:34.080 --> 0:11:38.280 no matter how long you have carried your shame, no 0:11:38.280 --> 0:11:42.959 matter how long you and shame have shared the same home, 0:11:43.200 --> 0:11:46.800 beIN companions, none of us were born ashamed of who 0:11:46.840 --> 0:11:49.920 we are. At some point, and this is a sad 0:11:49.960 --> 0:11:54.000 thing to say. Actually, someone had to teach you that 0:11:54.040 --> 0:11:57.079 there was something about how you look, how you act, 0:11:57.120 --> 0:12:00.800 your identity, your existence that was a defensive to them 0:12:01.200 --> 0:12:04.240 and that shouldn't be seen. Think about the shame that 0:12:04.840 --> 0:12:07.680 a lot of people used to associate with being queer, 0:12:07.840 --> 0:12:11.000 with being part of the lgbt QA plus community. At 0:12:11.000 --> 0:12:14.160 some point, someone said something really demeaning to you, or 0:12:14.600 --> 0:12:17.000 maybe someone's parents, so that they would be shamed to 0:12:17.000 --> 0:12:20.080 have a queer son or a queer daughter, or you know, 0:12:20.120 --> 0:12:22.800 you see things in the media that just villainize people 0:12:22.840 --> 0:12:26.280 who are literally just living their life. That is leading 0:12:26.720 --> 0:12:29.800 probably led a lot of people to internalize that therefore 0:12:29.800 --> 0:12:32.520 they are shameful and that is not the case. Or 0:12:32.600 --> 0:12:34.880 the shame of making a mistake as a child and 0:12:35.640 --> 0:12:38.640 being criticized for so much more than the action, you know, 0:12:38.679 --> 0:12:41.400 instead of just your parents scolding you and saying I 0:12:41.440 --> 0:12:44.080 can't believe you spilt the milk. It's I can't believe 0:12:44.120 --> 0:12:47.119 you are so clumsy, You are so lazy, You are worthless, 0:12:47.559 --> 0:12:51.000 you are useless. Can you see that shame is not 0:12:51.320 --> 0:12:55.600 about what you've done. It's associated with who you are? 0:12:56.040 --> 0:12:57.840 And how can any part of who you are be 0:12:57.880 --> 0:13:02.680 inherently shameful? It becomes implanted in our minds until the 0:13:02.720 --> 0:13:06.079 point where it is self imposed. We end up using 0:13:06.080 --> 0:13:09.920 it against ourselves without ever needing anyone else to tell 0:13:09.960 --> 0:13:12.760 it to us. Again, I heard doctor Pete Levine. He's 0:13:12.800 --> 0:13:16.480 a very well known trauma doctor and trauma specialist. Look 0:13:16.559 --> 0:13:18.520 him up if you're interested in this. But I heard 0:13:18.600 --> 0:13:20.960 him say in a video the other day that shame 0:13:21.160 --> 0:13:23.280 is like a cancer that grows from the injury of 0:13:23.320 --> 0:13:28.040 trauma and from the wound of betrayal, especially into personal 0:13:28.040 --> 0:13:31.920 trauma and interpersonal betrayal, which is basically the trauma we 0:13:32.040 --> 0:13:36.360 encounter from the transgressions and actions of others, especially people 0:13:36.360 --> 0:13:40.119 that we trust, And that cancer from these situations becomes 0:13:40.559 --> 0:13:44.280 deeply lodged in our bodies and our minds, and it 0:13:44.320 --> 0:13:49.000 affects and infects all other aspects of our life, your relationships, 0:13:49.360 --> 0:13:51.640 how you show up at work, in class, how you 0:13:51.679 --> 0:13:54.800 walk into a room, what you feel you deserve from 0:13:54.840 --> 0:13:59.280 your life. Nothing remains untouched. So how do we get 0:13:59.280 --> 0:14:02.000 to this place? This doesn't just happen. How do we 0:14:02.040 --> 0:14:05.880 get here? Well, Doctor Levine, same guy. He suggested that 0:14:06.240 --> 0:14:10.640 there are two specific pathways through which we adopt chronic 0:14:10.679 --> 0:14:13.880 shame or we become shamebound. The first is if you 0:14:13.960 --> 0:14:18.199 are traumatized or humiliated as a young child or a teenager, 0:14:18.280 --> 0:14:21.240 either by a parent, a sibling, a friend, a bully, 0:14:21.280 --> 0:14:25.800 a teacher, whoever it may be. Someone trespasses against your 0:14:25.880 --> 0:14:29.800 sense of self worth by harming you, by making you 0:14:29.840 --> 0:14:34.880 feel useless and small. And because of our limited critical 0:14:35.120 --> 0:14:38.200 thinking skills at the time or our limited life experience 0:14:38.320 --> 0:14:41.480 as children, the only way that we can make sense 0:14:41.560 --> 0:14:45.360 of what we're experiencing is by internalizing what has happened, 0:14:45.840 --> 0:14:49.680 which causes us to basically assume that something must be 0:14:49.800 --> 0:14:54.080 fundamentally wrong with us. We lay the blame on our 0:14:54.160 --> 0:14:58.680 own innate badness because we have to assume that we 0:14:58.760 --> 0:15:01.880 are the cause. The other common denominator, because how else 0:15:01.920 --> 0:15:05.200 could we continue to trust people? How could we continue 0:15:05.240 --> 0:15:09.080 to trust people that we rely on, like our parents, 0:15:09.240 --> 0:15:12.440 like our teachers, like our family. They must be right. 0:15:13.280 --> 0:15:15.760 This is actually part of what he proposes as a 0:15:15.760 --> 0:15:20.800 survival strategy. We cannot possibly think that the people that 0:15:20.840 --> 0:15:24.000 we rely on for security and safety would be wrong 0:15:24.040 --> 0:15:26.000 about things like this, because then they could be wrong 0:15:26.040 --> 0:15:28.760 about other things, and then you know who could help us. 0:15:29.040 --> 0:15:31.720 The other element of this, occurring in childhood especially, is 0:15:31.720 --> 0:15:35.160 that all the people that we feel ashamed or feel 0:15:35.200 --> 0:15:38.280 shamed by are often older and wiser, and so we 0:15:38.360 --> 0:15:41.520 deduce that they must know something about our character that 0:15:41.560 --> 0:15:44.560 we don't. They are the truthholders. We have this big 0:15:44.600 --> 0:15:47.240 red cross on us. They must be correct. We are 0:15:47.280 --> 0:15:50.160 wrong and awful and bad because they told us that 0:15:50.200 --> 0:15:54.120 we were. The more experiences we have like this, the 0:15:54.160 --> 0:15:57.560 more difficult it is to deny our badness, the more 0:15:57.640 --> 0:16:02.240 oppressive and entrenched the shame becomes. This can also be 0:16:02.280 --> 0:16:06.000 more pronounced for people who who's just identities in general 0:16:06.040 --> 0:16:11.080 are criticized by a very oppressive, dominating prejudice society. We 0:16:11.120 --> 0:16:14.760 do see higher rates of internalized shame in the queer community, 0:16:14.840 --> 0:16:19.400 amongst people of color, amongst people in marginalized religions, because 0:16:19.400 --> 0:16:22.120 there is this system that says, and there is this 0:16:22.400 --> 0:16:24.120 you know, it's held up by the media, it's held 0:16:24.200 --> 0:16:28.880 up by discrimination, by prejudice, by stereotypes that essentially says, 0:16:29.280 --> 0:16:32.720 we don't really like you that much, and there's no 0:16:32.880 --> 0:16:35.240 reason that we don't like you. There's just some part 0:16:35.240 --> 0:16:38.320 of you that's wrong. And it's just so awful that 0:16:38.680 --> 0:16:42.320 children from a very young age begin to pick that 0:16:42.440 --> 0:16:46.320 up shame. I really want this to be very apparent. 0:16:46.400 --> 0:16:51.000 Shame is not dispersed equally across society. The second way 0:16:51.040 --> 0:16:54.400 that chronic shame develops can come about a little bit later, 0:16:54.880 --> 0:16:56.840 and it really comes down to a fear of being 0:16:56.880 --> 0:16:59.520 left out, which feeds off again our fear of loneliness 0:17:00.040 --> 0:17:02.680 and our fear of being excluded, very human, primal fears. 0:17:03.200 --> 0:17:05.439 I don't think I have to tell you, hopefully, I 0:17:05.440 --> 0:17:08.000 don't have to tell you that community and belonging are 0:17:08.080 --> 0:17:13.440 so important. They're just literally our lifeblood. It's one of 0:17:13.080 --> 0:17:18.360 our foundational psychological needs, and not just a physical need, 0:17:18.400 --> 0:17:21.560 but an emotional need as well. There's a really well 0:17:21.600 --> 0:17:25.879 known study using fMRI technology, which is basically a machine 0:17:25.920 --> 0:17:28.200 that shows us which parts of our brains are active 0:17:28.240 --> 0:17:31.800 when we're doing certain things, and it examined the brains 0:17:31.840 --> 0:17:36.000 of people who were made to feel lonely, disconnected, and rejected, 0:17:36.520 --> 0:17:40.280 versus the brains of participants who are made to feel accepted, included, 0:17:40.320 --> 0:17:43.800 and connected. The brain scans of the participants who were 0:17:43.800 --> 0:17:47.280 made to feel isolated were just lighting up in the 0:17:47.320 --> 0:17:51.160 areas of the brain responsible for pain and perceiving danger, 0:17:51.720 --> 0:17:54.760 meaning that this experience of not being liked or welcomed 0:17:55.240 --> 0:17:59.439 was physically uncomfortable at times. Now, if you know what 0:17:59.480 --> 0:18:03.359 that feels like to have people not like you, and 0:18:03.560 --> 0:18:05.439 to not only have them not like you, but to 0:18:05.440 --> 0:18:09.520 make that known to be openly judged, you are going 0:18:09.560 --> 0:18:13.560 to work pretty hard to stop that from happening again. 0:18:13.680 --> 0:18:17.240 And here is where your shame, seemingly to you, feels 0:18:17.359 --> 0:18:21.159 useful because you're like, Okay, if I listen to my shame, 0:18:21.720 --> 0:18:24.280 I'll never step out of line. If I listen to 0:18:24.280 --> 0:18:26.920 my shame, I'll never do something that's wrong. I'll be 0:18:27.000 --> 0:18:30.960 able to make friends, I'll be loved. Any time you 0:18:31.080 --> 0:18:35.000 go to therefore, you know they're onwards. Go to change 0:18:35.040 --> 0:18:37.760 anything about yourself, to put yourself out there, to bet 0:18:37.840 --> 0:18:42.600 on yourself, to be authentic, vulnerable. That shameful voice comes 0:18:42.600 --> 0:18:46.120 in and says, don't do it. Don't let yourself be seen. 0:18:46.320 --> 0:18:48.560 The more visible you are, the less safe we are. 0:18:49.280 --> 0:18:54.080 Take a step back. That shameful voice. You think that 0:18:54.119 --> 0:18:57.600 it's acting as your protector. It's convincing you that it's 0:18:57.720 --> 0:19:03.320 keeping you safe from reject and exclusion. But you know, 0:19:03.480 --> 0:19:06.240 although our shame likes to masquerade as a form of 0:19:06.680 --> 0:19:11.639 self preservation, it ultimately limits your ability to experience life 0:19:12.080 --> 0:19:16.679 because it's keeping you tied down. So that smallness is 0:19:16.720 --> 0:19:19.080 one of the consequences of letting shame be the loudest 0:19:19.160 --> 0:19:21.199 voice in the room. And that's actually how I like 0:19:21.280 --> 0:19:24.080 to think about it. It's the guy in class in 0:19:24.119 --> 0:19:27.240 your meeting who's always interrupting you, you know. It's the 0:19:27.359 --> 0:19:30.160 voice that just doesn't know when to shut up. It's 0:19:30.200 --> 0:19:33.000 the voice that's saying, oh, well, actually this, well, actually that. 0:19:33.880 --> 0:19:38.520 Another real loss is that when when you are shame bound, 0:19:38.960 --> 0:19:41.720 even when good things happen to you, you still don't 0:19:41.720 --> 0:19:45.440 believe that you deserve them. When someone listens, when someone 0:19:45.520 --> 0:19:49.360 lets us be vulnerable and accepts us, we never totally 0:19:49.400 --> 0:19:53.240 accept it. We are waiting for the so called emotional 0:19:53.359 --> 0:19:57.520 jump scare because our self concept has been reprogrammed time 0:19:57.560 --> 0:20:00.680 and time again, to assume the worst, to have our guy, 0:20:00.800 --> 0:20:05.040 to cut ourselves down before someone else can. Actually, it's 0:20:05.040 --> 0:20:07.720 really interesting because it's really interesting, and this is kind 0:20:07.720 --> 0:20:11.000 of a side note, but there has been some really cool, 0:20:11.040 --> 0:20:14.800 fascinating research, not cool, but definitely fascinating research that shows 0:20:14.800 --> 0:20:18.880 that people who experience more shame often are quite obsessed 0:20:18.920 --> 0:20:24.320 with self improvement because they are constantly trying to fix 0:20:24.440 --> 0:20:26.760 or fix something about themselves or to show that they 0:20:26.760 --> 0:20:30.400 are deserving of things by working hard to change who 0:20:30.400 --> 0:20:33.680 they are. And so sometimes it's like, well, I can't 0:20:33.720 --> 0:20:35.960 have anything that comes easy because I don't deserve it, 0:20:36.640 --> 0:20:40.080 so there must be there is something deeply, deeply wrong 0:20:40.119 --> 0:20:43.240 about me that if I focus on self improvement, on 0:20:43.280 --> 0:20:47.120 getting really really fit, on learning, or making my life 0:20:47.160 --> 0:20:50.080 seem perfect, then I can prove that all these good 0:20:50.119 --> 0:20:53.240 things have actually worked hard for them. So quite an interesting, 0:20:54.400 --> 0:20:57.919 very interesting point of view, especially as someone who I'm like, ooh, 0:20:58.000 --> 0:21:00.480 I like work in the self help, self improved space. 0:21:00.520 --> 0:21:02.359 I want people to get the most out of their life. 0:21:02.600 --> 0:21:05.280 It's interesting how many of us might actually be doing 0:21:05.280 --> 0:21:08.160 that because of a shame of never being good enough, 0:21:08.960 --> 0:21:11.160 chronic shame. I think this is very similar is also 0:21:11.200 --> 0:21:14.800 reflected often in people pleasing, because we of course prioritize 0:21:14.840 --> 0:21:18.080 the opinions of others over our own. We want them 0:21:18.080 --> 0:21:20.840 to stay happy with us, even if it means a 0:21:20.840 --> 0:21:25.600 loss of personal identity and less personal fulfillment. And shame 0:21:25.680 --> 0:21:31.440 can also lead to self sabotaging behaviors where we consciously 0:21:31.520 --> 0:21:36.960 undermine our success or our happiness by procrastinating, by neglecting opportunities, 0:21:37.119 --> 0:21:41.840 neglecting relationships, minimizing ourselves in front of others, or even 0:21:41.880 --> 0:21:46.720 engaging in really risky behaviors to confirm negative beliefs about ourselves. 0:21:47.080 --> 0:21:50.840 Because when you have lived that long in shame, it 0:21:50.920 --> 0:21:54.520 feels like home. What's that quote? It's like better the 0:21:54.560 --> 0:21:57.159 hell you know than the heaven that you don't, And 0:21:57.200 --> 0:21:59.399 that is where we are at. I think another element 0:21:59.600 --> 0:22:02.240 of it is also, you know, success and doing well 0:22:02.400 --> 0:22:06.800 brings attention, and that spotlight might reveal even more aspects 0:22:06.800 --> 0:22:08.919 of us that we should be ashamed of, and we 0:22:08.960 --> 0:22:11.560 can't have that. So you know, you go out and 0:22:11.600 --> 0:22:14.160 get drunk the night before a big meeting, you ruin 0:22:14.200 --> 0:22:17.879 the relationship before it can progress. And at least you 0:22:17.920 --> 0:22:21.840 know you already feel comfortable in that understanding of yourself. 0:22:21.960 --> 0:22:24.639 You are a failure, You're not enough, You'll never deserve this. 0:22:25.080 --> 0:22:27.760 Can you kind of see what doctor Levine was saying. 0:22:27.880 --> 0:22:31.040 It is a cancer the way that shame manifests itself. 0:22:31.040 --> 0:22:35.520 It metastasizes into everything that we do. So what I 0:22:35.560 --> 0:22:37.800 want to talk about next is where we can go 0:22:37.960 --> 0:22:42.120 from here. We've identified the problem. I think maybe I'm 0:22:42.200 --> 0:22:43.800 saying things to you and you're just nodding your head, 0:22:43.800 --> 0:22:45.560 being like, yeah, I already knew that. I've literally lived 0:22:45.560 --> 0:22:48.000 with this fears. What do I do about it? How 0:22:48.000 --> 0:22:51.360 do I be more big and vulnerable and authentic when 0:22:51.400 --> 0:22:53.960 I'm being told by my own brain to be quite 0:22:54.040 --> 0:22:56.919 small and visible. Well we are going to talk about 0:22:57.119 --> 0:22:59.840 all of that and a lot more after the short 0:23:00.320 --> 0:23:07.439 so stay with us. Shame is kind of like a 0:23:07.480 --> 0:23:11.560 bad habit. It won't change unless you do. And I'm 0:23:11.560 --> 0:23:15.000 not saying it won't change unless you get better and 0:23:15.040 --> 0:23:18.240 you prove it wrong. I mean that it's always going 0:23:18.240 --> 0:23:22.800 to feel like you're fighting with yourself until you accept it. 0:23:23.440 --> 0:23:25.919 Until it's almost like when you lay back in the 0:23:25.960 --> 0:23:28.719 ocean and you just let it take you and you 0:23:28.800 --> 0:23:31.320 lie in it and you realize that You've been struggling 0:23:31.359 --> 0:23:33.879 against something for so long that if you just turned 0:23:33.880 --> 0:23:36.639 around and said it's okay, I see you, I accept this, 0:23:37.400 --> 0:23:41.360 maybe it would start to fade a little bit. The person, 0:23:41.480 --> 0:23:43.800 and I've already mentioned her once in this episode, obviously 0:23:43.800 --> 0:23:46.119 I am obsessed, But the person I always turned to 0:23:46.160 --> 0:23:48.600 her for advice on this is Brene Brown. And obviously 0:23:49.200 --> 0:23:52.120 Brene Brown, She's made her career on shame, guilt, vulnerability, 0:23:52.560 --> 0:23:54.840 and the best thing she ever said about the shame 0:23:54.960 --> 0:23:58.280 cycle is that an actual bad person, a person who 0:23:58.359 --> 0:24:02.000 has done things they deserve to feel ashamed for, they 0:24:02.040 --> 0:24:05.760 would never sit down and question whether they are a 0:24:05.800 --> 0:24:09.439 bad person. They would never admit their mistakes. So the 0:24:09.560 --> 0:24:12.320 very fact that you were considering your worthiness as evidence 0:24:12.359 --> 0:24:15.800 in yourself that you are worthy. You are someone deserving 0:24:15.800 --> 0:24:18.960 of love, You have empathy, you are someone who is lovable, 0:24:19.080 --> 0:24:23.040 someone who can be forgiven, however big or large that 0:24:23.080 --> 0:24:27.200