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Speaker 1: Hi, guys, and welcome back to another new episode of

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Speaker 1: Couch Talks. My name is Kat and I am your host.

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Speaker 1: And if you are a new Couch Talks is the

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Speaker 1: Bonus Q and a episode of You Need Therapy where

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Speaker 1: I answer questions that listeners send into me via Catherine

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Speaker 1: at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. Anybody can send

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Speaker 1: me an email and hopefully at one point I will

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Speaker 1: get to answering your question. With that being said, I

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Speaker 1: just want to remind you, guys that even though I'm

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Speaker 1: answering your questions, this is not therapy, and this is

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Speaker 1: just somebody who is a therapist who is answering questions

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Speaker 1: but not being their therapist. You know that makes sense, right,

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Speaker 1: all right? So instead of two questions today, I want

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Speaker 1: to talk to you about something and then we're gonna

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Speaker 1: have one question from a listener. I don't know how

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Speaker 1: many of you guys listening now listen to the episodes

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Speaker 1: order listen to all of the episodes at all, and

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Speaker 1: if you listen to the episodes on the day that

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Speaker 1: they're released. But this week some thing's happened or last

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Speaker 1: week something's happened, and I need to share. So I

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Speaker 1: went on a little vacation. I went to Montana for

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Speaker 1: one of my best friends weddings, one of my best

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Speaker 1: friends from when I was we met in sixth grade,

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Speaker 1: and I was basically off the grid. We were in

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Speaker 1: a area where there was no cell service and if

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Speaker 1: you walked too far away and you had to be

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Speaker 1: connected to WiFi to have anything. But half the time

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Speaker 1: we didn't have WiFi. And what I'm saying is we

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Speaker 1: had no service, and I wasn't really able to be

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Speaker 1: connected to the outside world, let alone work. So I

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Speaker 1: set everything up before I left from my trip to

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Speaker 1: prepare for this following week, the week that we're right now,

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Speaker 1: including the podcast. So I really thought I was on it.

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Speaker 1: I even typed out the like the description and all that,

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Speaker 1: and had it already, and I really just thought I

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Speaker 1: was on it, and apparently not. Apparently, Like factually, I

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Speaker 1: did not upload the intro to the episode, which normally

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Speaker 1: would not be that big of a deal because a

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Speaker 1: lot of times the intros of the episodes aren't that

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Speaker 1: long and they're not really needed. They're just nice to

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Speaker 1: have to kind of open up in a nice clean way. Well,

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Speaker 1: this one, I had spent a little bit more time

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Speaker 1: on because I just wanted to cover some things and

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Speaker 1: talk about some things. So I really wanted to be

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Speaker 1: part of the episode, and it couldn't be because I

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Speaker 1: didn't have it in Houston. I do feel some shame

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Speaker 1: for kind of like leaving him high and dry. He's

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Speaker 1: trying to like edit this thing for me, and I

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Speaker 1: just was out in Montana without self service and unable

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Speaker 1: to really talk to anybody. Long story short, the episode

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Speaker 1: came out on Monday without the intro. Most of you

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Speaker 1: guys probably didn't even realize and didn't think anything of it,

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Speaker 1: so you're probably wandering or you might be wondering why

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Speaker 1: are you telling us this? And I'm telling you guys

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Speaker 1: this for two reasons. One because I like to highlight

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Speaker 1: the fact that everyone messes up, everyone experiences the things

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Speaker 1: that don't go the way they were planned. I didn't

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Speaker 1: plan it to go that way. I also usually record

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Speaker 1: the intros for episodes, like the day before I have

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Speaker 1: to have it. In this one, I recorded way earlier

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Speaker 1: because I knew I was going on this trip, so

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Speaker 1: I had planned all this stuff and then I didn't

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Speaker 1: upload it. And so I'm saying, like everybody has the

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Speaker 1: things that that they plan that they then experienced not

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Speaker 1: going the way that they planned, and that's okay, And

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Speaker 1: I want you guys to know that that's okay. That's

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Speaker 1: a normal part of life. We don't really usually talk

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Speaker 1: about those things because it's kind of weird. We wouldn't

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Speaker 1: just like put out on the internet or wherever, look

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Speaker 1: at this thing that I messed up. It's not weird.

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Speaker 1: Aren't wired to do that. But just because we're not

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Speaker 1: doing that, it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Another reason

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Speaker 1: I tell you about this is because we did add

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Speaker 1: the intro, So if you've already listened to the episode,

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Speaker 1: you can go back and listen to that. Now. I

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Speaker 1: just cover some general information about imposter syndrome that might

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Speaker 1: be helpful that you didn't get from the conversation I

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Speaker 1: had with Tanya. So I also don't know what you

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Speaker 1: guys do when you mess up, or you feel shame

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Speaker 1: about how something turns out, or just in general, what

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Speaker 1: you do when things don't go as planned, and the

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Speaker 1: reason for that might be your being your fault. So

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Speaker 1: in lieu of one of the questions today, I want

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Speaker 1: to share with you guys some things that might be

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Speaker 1: helpful in those moments. So when you're going down a

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Speaker 1: shame spiral or catastrophe spiral, here are some tips. And

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Speaker 1: there's this thing called catastrophizing. It's a term we use

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Speaker 1: in therapy describe the experience of extreme worst case scenario

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Speaker 1: ing things. And that's sometimes what we do when we

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Speaker 1: get in these like shame spots, when things like don't

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Speaker 1: go the wood. They're planned. So I just have a

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Speaker 1: couple of little things that I do and I encourage

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Speaker 1: my clients to do when we are going down that trail.

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Speaker 1: One the first thing is very simple. Just breathe, like

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Speaker 1: take really big deep breaths, and this is to slow

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Speaker 1: your nervous system down and let your body know that

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Speaker 1: also will let your mind know there's not an actual

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Speaker 1: immediate threat happening that's going to kill you. In some

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Speaker 1: moments when I, like I said catastrophizing, we make these

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Speaker 1: things that suck bummer right, Like it was a bummer

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Speaker 1: that I messed that up, But it's not going to

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Speaker 1: change the trajectory of my life or this podcast. So

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Speaker 1: take a deep breath, sit with That walks you into

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Speaker 1: the second thing, which is checked the facts. What's the

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Speaker 1: story you're telling yourself and how does that actually line

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Speaker 1: up with the actual information you have about that story? Right,

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Speaker 1: So the story I might have been telling myself is

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Speaker 1: I've ruined the podcast. I don't think I went that far,

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Speaker 1: or something about what people might think of me or

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Speaker 1: what this means about my work ethic. And then look

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Speaker 1: at what are the actual facts. Is there actually anything

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Speaker 1: that backs it up? Most likely not. You might have

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Speaker 1: assumptions that back that up. Those don't count. Assumptions don't

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Speaker 1: get to be facts. Ever. The third thing, affirm yourself.

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Speaker 1: So you messed up, Okay, I'm sure that you also

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Speaker 1: did a million great things that might have led up

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Speaker 1: to that mess up. When we were in those moments

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Speaker 1: of messiness, we forget that we also have had hundreds

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Speaker 1: and hundreds and hundreds of successes through our lives, and

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Speaker 1: of a sudden like none of that matters. So take

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Speaker 1: a second, affirm yourself, say something nice to yourself. And

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Speaker 1: then the fourth thing is ask yourself, what's the lesson.

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Speaker 1: I think it's really important to allow yourself to use

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Speaker 1: the situations like this as tools for growth. And remember,

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Speaker 1: and I have to remind myself this that the people

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Speaker 1: that do the wild and crazy things that we see

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Speaker 1: and we're like, wow, they're so great, they're so successful,

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Speaker 1: or so this. Most of the time those people are

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Speaker 1: not the ones that are aiming for that success. They're

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Speaker 1: aiming for growth, and by aiming for growth, you can

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Speaker 1: find yourself walking towards success sometimes. So what's the lesson?

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Speaker 1: What am I going to learn from this thing? I

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Speaker 1: learned a lot from that experience about planning, about some

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Speaker 1: protocols that I need to have in line, some systems

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Speaker 1: I need to have, allow yourself to learn something that

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Speaker 1: might better you in the future. Yeah, okay, so those

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Speaker 1: are my four things. And again we're adding the intro back,

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Speaker 1: so go back and listen to that. And um, let's

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Speaker 1: go into the not second question. But let's go into

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Speaker 1: the one question we have today. So remember we do

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Speaker 1: keep these anonymous, so I'm not going to say the name.

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Speaker 1: I am going to just read the email. Hi Cat,

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Speaker 1: I hope you are doing well. I've been going to

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Speaker 1: therapy for about three years now. I love my therapist.

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Speaker 1: She is awesome and I'm so grateful for her. My

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Speaker 1: only issue is talking about sex. I'm in my thirties

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Speaker 1: and she's in her seventies, so the age difference makes

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Speaker 1: it really uncomfortable for me to open up about this topic.

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Speaker 1: I almost feel embarrassed, but I wish I could talk

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Speaker 1: about it because it's an important part of my life.

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Speaker 1: She's very open minded and youthful, so sometimes I wonder

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Speaker 1: if the real problem is her age or something else.

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Speaker 1: What do you think I can do to change this

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Speaker 1: and be able to talk to her about sex? What

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Speaker 1: questions do I need to ask myself to figure out

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Speaker 1: why it makes me so uncomfortable to bring it up

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Speaker 1: when I can talk about anything else with her? Okay,

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Speaker 1: So I am assuming there are probably hundreds of people

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Speaker 1: yelling thank you for asking this question in their heads

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Speaker 1: right now, because I think so many people want to

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Speaker 1: talk about this, but they, for their own reasons, decide

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Speaker 1: not to. And it is not uncommon for people to

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Speaker 1: feel all kinds of feelings when it comes to talking

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Speaker 1: about sex in general, let alone with a therapist, which

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Speaker 1: I don't love, because you're supposed to be able to

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Speaker 1: talk about basically anything with your therapist. However, in our culture,

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Speaker 1: sex is a very hush hush thing. It's impolite or

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Speaker 1: you might make somebody uncomfortable, which is impolite by talking

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Speaker 1: about it. And you know, women especially aren't supposed to

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Speaker 1: be impolite. We're supposed to be polite, which is a

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Speaker 1: whole episode in itself. Now, the thing about this specific

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Speaker 1: question is that telling your therapist you feel uncomfortable talking

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Speaker 1: about sex with her would really be actually the most

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Speaker 1: beautiful therapeutic opportunity in itself, like just telling her that

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Speaker 1: the conversation that may enfold out of that could potentially

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Speaker 1: be a lightbulb moment for you guys, because as we know,

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Speaker 1: or as a lot of us learn, eventually, it's not

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Speaker 1: usually about the thing that we're talking about. It's about

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Speaker 1: the stories behind the things that we're talking about. And

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Speaker 1: there's a story behind feeling uncome be talking about sex

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Speaker 1: with someone who's seventy, and there may be a story

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Speaker 1: behind talking about it in general, or maybe a story

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Speaker 1: behind the things around sex that you want to talk about.

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Speaker 1: And the thing about sex is that it has been

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Speaker 1: covered and smothered with shame. This really amazing thing that

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Speaker 1: we are biologically wired to desire and engage in, like

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Speaker 1: we actually have to engage in it to keep humans

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Speaker 1: continuing to happen, is something that we then keep secret

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Speaker 1: and shame builds off of secret keeping not great. So

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Speaker 1: I don't have a big piece of advice for you

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Speaker 1: other than you don't necessarily have to start talking about

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Speaker 1: sex with your therapist by talking about sex with your therapist.

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Speaker 1: You can start by talking about what it feels like

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Speaker 1: to talk about sex with your therapist. There's this thing

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Speaker 1: called transference and countertransference and therapy. Transference is when a

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Speaker 1: therapist reminds a client of someone or something in their life,

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Speaker 1: and counter transference is when a client reminds the therapist

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Speaker 1: of someone or something in their life. We have therapists

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Speaker 1: have to be very careful about this and mindful about

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Speaker 1: this and really check ourselves and work through that on

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Speaker 1: our own when that comes up, because it can mess

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Speaker 1: with the idea of us being unbiased as a therapist.

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Speaker 1: It can screw with our boundary setting and our ability

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Speaker 1: to really listen with an open ear, So we pay

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Speaker 1: a lot of attention to that. Clients don't do that

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Speaker 1: as much, So there might be some of that happening here.

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Speaker 1: You may be projecting feelings or emotions or thoughts from

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Speaker 1: your own life onto your therapist. Maybe she's reminding you

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Speaker 1: of someone or something or an idea that you might

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Speaker 1: live through, so she may bring up feelings associated with

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Speaker 1: that thing. If that's the case, then you would totally

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Speaker 1: want to talk about that. So my encouragement to you

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Speaker 1: is to talk about what you feel about talking about it.

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Speaker 1: You don't even have to talk about the thing yet,

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Speaker 1: the thing being sex or what you want to talk

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Speaker 1: about when it comes to sex, and that really goes

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Speaker 1: to anything any of the things that we're feeling really

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Speaker 1: uncomfortable bringing up in a session. You don't really have

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Speaker 1: to talk about that thing first. You can talk about

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Speaker 1: what it feels like to feel uncomfortable talking about something,

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Speaker 1: and there we can unpack and unfold until we get

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Speaker 1: to the spot that we actually really need to get to.

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Speaker 1: So thank you for asking that question. I think that

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Speaker 1: it's important to bring that kind of stuff up and

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Speaker 1: so I'm so grateful for that. Okay, So that wraps

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Speaker 1: up this episode of Couch Talks. Thank you guys for

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Speaker 1: being here. I hope you guys are having the day

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Speaker 1: that you need to have and continue to have the

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Speaker 1: day or the week or the months that you need

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Speaker 1: to have. And I will talk to you guys again

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Speaker 1: on Monday. If you don't follow us yet, you can

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Speaker 1: follow me at cat dot de fata in the podcast

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Speaker 1: at You Need Therapy podcast, and remember if you have

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Speaker 1: a question, email it to Catherine at you Need Therapy

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Speaker 1: podcast dot com and I will talk to you later