Speaker 1: Babe. I've never said this to you before, but I'm
Speaker 1: gonna say it now. Yeah, I regret having a vasectomy.
Speaker 2: You do not? Are you serious?
Speaker 1: Dead ass?
Speaker 2: You trying to reverse thatsh.
Speaker 3: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm devoued and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with.
Speaker 2: Our boys and reading each other publicly as a form
Speaker 2: of therapy.
Speaker 1: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 2: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 1: Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open
Speaker 1: dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 1: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
Speaker 1: is a term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 1: We about to take philosof to our whole new level.
Speaker 3: Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: I don't gotta go far back for this one because
Speaker 1: the prosected me is only but that was five months old.
Speaker 1: But we were in we were in Canada, I was
Speaker 1: filming and all the boys were there in the room
Speaker 1: with me, and I watched them just be all around
Speaker 1: you because it was just there's a new environment. They
Speaker 1: wanted mom for everything. I knew you was exhausted. So
Speaker 1: the Coda in particular, was just constantly wrapping hisself around
Speaker 1: your legs and anytime you went to move, he would
Speaker 1: start crying. So I was like, enough is enough. So
Speaker 1: for the next hour, I went through this process of
Speaker 1: taking the Coda away from Kadeen and putting him on
Speaker 1: the bed in the room, and he was crying and
Speaker 1: I would not get him off the bed until he
Speaker 1: stopped crying, and Kadeen was kind of like, what are
Speaker 1: you doing? I was like, this is the process. Now.
Speaker 1: I don't want to say kids are like pets, but
Speaker 1: remember I trained our dogs. I trained out puppies, and
Speaker 1: I learned that puppies learn, they learned behavior, but ultimately
Speaker 1: they teach you how to treat them right. So if
Speaker 1: you constantly have poor behavior with a puppy, pretty much
Speaker 1: they're teaching you that their poor behavior is going to
Speaker 1: be accepted, and then their poor behavior becomes your reality.
Speaker 2: This parallels with pets and kids.
Speaker 1: So with Dakoda, I was like, I am going to
Speaker 1: tell him now that this will not be tolerated. So
Speaker 1: every time he started screaming, I put him on the bed,
Speaker 1: left them alone. When he got quiet, we all went
Speaker 1: in there and me and the boys we started cheering.
Speaker 1: When he got quiet, then we would take him off
Speaker 1: the bed. If he immediately got off the bed and
Speaker 1: ran over to you and started crying, we put him
Speaker 1: back into the bed. So after about an hour, Da
Speaker 1: Coda picked it up. Yeah, he was quiet in the room,
Speaker 1: and we came in there and got him. And when
Speaker 1: we came in there and got him, he didn't cry.
Speaker 1: He looked at Kadeen. Then he kind of looked at
Speaker 1: me for approval, and I was like, you want to
Speaker 1: go to mommy. Then he kind of walked over to
Speaker 1: Kadeen and he sat next to her and he was quiet,
Speaker 1: and then all of the kids started cheering like yeay,
Speaker 1: and I see cold his face kind of light up
Speaker 1: like he figured something out. And in that moment, it
Speaker 1: hit me that that is the last Ellis's son, like
Speaker 1: the last baby, the last baby, and I immediately felt
Speaker 1: the way about that.
Speaker 3: Oh babe, I didn't know that this song.
Speaker 1: Is dedicated to me.
Speaker 2: It is dedicated to my nuts.
Speaker 4: The saddest thing my life is when she left me,
Speaker 4: I was feeling the pain, the pain, the pain, the
Speaker 4: sast my line.
Speaker 1: So the reason why I say that song is because
Speaker 1: I really got sad and it shocked me.
Speaker 2: But you were said in that moment, you were sad
Speaker 2: when you're.
Speaker 1: No, That's why I want to talk about it, because
Speaker 1: when I first got it done, I wasn't sad, I know.
Speaker 1: So I want to talk about the reasons why I
Speaker 1: got sad and what I was able to kind of
Speaker 1: figure out on my own. Okay, so we'll talk about
Speaker 1: I know you seem surprised because we never talked about this,
Speaker 1: and I just feel.
Speaker 3: Like I'm over here like it'd be a good time
Speaker 3: to talk about conversation.
Speaker 2: So I guess there's no running show here because we're just.
Speaker 1: I know, trouble. Got some facts and stats. We'll get
Speaker 1: into that.
Speaker 2: Well, when you said you had this episode under control,
Speaker 2: I guess you did.
Speaker 3: Yeah, all right, all right, so we'll talk about that
Speaker 3: then we'll be back.
Speaker 1: All right, we're back, so let me break down story time. Right,
Speaker 1: So I got sad, and at first I didn't know
Speaker 1: why I was sad. Right, at first, I was like, man,
Speaker 1: I'm just sad because I missed my family. I haven't
Speaker 1: seen you guys. Y'all cameres for my birthday, y'all leaving again.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to see y'all for another three weeks.
Speaker 1: So I'm just sad because of that. So now I'm
Speaker 1: in the room and I'm just you know, dire about
Speaker 1: myself after you guys leave, and I'm just thinking, and
Speaker 1: I'm thinking, and I'm just like, wow, like that was
Speaker 1: the last, like my last baby, And I'm just like,
Speaker 1: why am I thinking about babies? Like I don't I
Speaker 1: don't have baby fever, like there was no babies around,
Speaker 1: but I'm thinking about babies. And I just was constantly
Speaker 1: thinking about the coda, thinking about the coda. And then
Speaker 1: this is the funny part, right, the NBA Playoffs was
Speaker 1: getting into swing, and I think Josh Hart's wife was
Speaker 1: pregnant and she just recently had twins, but at the
Speaker 1: time she was like at the end of her pregnancy,
Speaker 1: and he had spoken about what it would feel like
Speaker 1: to like miss his children's birth if he was like
Speaker 1: having a you know, he's had a playoff game, if
Speaker 1: there was a way out of town and stuff like that,
Speaker 1: and the more he started to talk about like fatherhood
Speaker 1: and creating life, really like resonated with me with the
Speaker 1: fact that I can no longer say I can create
Speaker 1: life like men don't talk about this, but it really
Speaker 1: is a thing, because I spoke to a couple other
Speaker 1: dads about it, and.
Speaker 3: These the dads who have had vasectomies, or just men
Speaker 3: in general. Because what's interesting about what you said for
Speaker 3: me is that it never occurred to me or crossed
Speaker 3: my mind, vasectomy or not, that men knew for sure
Speaker 3: when they were done. I thought that men, if anything,
Speaker 3: can just have consolation the fact that they will always
Speaker 3: be able to have children well into their eighties if
Speaker 3: they wanted to. But with women, they're always pose the question, right,
Speaker 3: how do you know that you're done? Or I was
Speaker 3: told I would know from other women, you'll know when
Speaker 3: you're done. I have an aunt who has one child
Speaker 3: and said, I knew after this one child, I was done.
Speaker 3: And then you have some women who are just like,
Speaker 3: I'm not done, and I have four children, and I
Speaker 3: know that I still want more.
Speaker 2: That's really really interesting.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you something. After speaking to these men, yo,
Speaker 1: we always say because women carry children, it's up to
Speaker 1: all and I said this too, it's up to my
Speaker 1: wife and whether or not we're going to have more
Speaker 1: children because she carries children, right, And I actually just
Speaker 1: through that aside, is that's the way it's supposed to be, right,
Speaker 1: not really saying is that fair? Think about what I'm saying, Like,
Speaker 1: I never even thought to myself how I would feel
Speaker 1: about it, because in my mind I had already was
Speaker 1: already conditioned to say, whenever my wife decides she's done
Speaker 1: with having kids, we're done, right, And I felt like, well,
Speaker 1: once the doctor said that it wouldn't be in your
Speaker 1: best interest to having any more children because of the
Speaker 1: postpart and preclamshit, I was like, cool, the doctor made
Speaker 1: that decision for me, because if my wife can't have kids,
Speaker 1: we not having no more kids. I'm cool. I don't
Speaker 1: want the blah blah blah blah blah. I'm already conditioned
Speaker 1: to say boom, and then I can't. I have this
Speaker 1: resected me and now I'm thinking about it, I'm just like,
Speaker 1: am I done having kids? You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 1: Like if I wasn't done having kids, the fact that
Speaker 1: I can't have kids really made me sad, and I
Speaker 1: spoke to other dads about it, and they all said
Speaker 1: the same thing. They was like, well, you know, I
Speaker 1: never really thought about if I would want more kids, So.
Speaker 3: That wasn't the mindset for men. So that was going
Speaker 3: to be my question. Is it that men make the
Speaker 3: decision strictly based off of their wife or their spouse's
Speaker 3: desire or not or ability to have more children, or
Speaker 3: is it really just a thing where men know when
Speaker 3: they're done having children.
Speaker 1: Well, so I had I had this four dads who
Speaker 1: all have resected me, so I'm the fifth, okay, And
Speaker 1: I asked them. I was just like, how did y'all decide?
Speaker 1: Most of them except for one. Most of them said
Speaker 1: my wife said she didn't want no more kids. I
Speaker 1: was like cool. They were like you gotta get a vasectomy.
Speaker 1: And they were like whatever, like you don't want no
Speaker 1: more kids? I paid for these kids, like you know,
Speaker 1: the they it was a mutual understand like whatever, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. The one father said he made
Speaker 1: the decision because he was done having kids. He was
Speaker 1: his wife wanted more kids, and he was just like,
Speaker 1: I'm not having and they already have a lot of kids.
Speaker 1: So he was just like, I'm not. He was like
Speaker 1: he didn't feel like he could pour into any more kids,
Speaker 1: and he felt like he wanted to be responsible and
Speaker 1: not have an OOPS baby because he said they already
Speaker 1: had two Oops babies. And he was just like he
Speaker 1: was thinking this. So he was done and he said,
Speaker 1: I'm done. Like I'm not. Said if it was up
Speaker 1: to my wife, we'd have more kids. But he was
Speaker 1: just like, it just wouldn't be fair to the kids, right,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, It wouldn't be fair to us,
Speaker 1: like you know, I want my wife to So he
Speaker 1: made a decision, so he said he was done. But
Speaker 1: those other dads, I asked him, I said, you know,
Speaker 1: have you ever had moments where you feel like Two
Speaker 1: of them said they felt like they were less of
Speaker 1: a man because they couldn't, like create life.
Speaker 2: It's just a matter of being able to yes.
Speaker 1: And I never thought about that, And then it made
Speaker 1: me feel some kind of It made me feel like me,
Speaker 1: is that what I'm feeling because I don't want any
Speaker 1: more children. I feel like we have four beautiful boys
Speaker 1: that are all healthy. You're healthy. I don't want kids,
Speaker 1: but there is something about that feeling like, dang, if
Speaker 1: I wanted to have another child, I can't, Like, I
Speaker 1: don't know what it is about that that's making me
Speaker 1: like feel like like I'm like mad, Like you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: Well, I think that's usually a lot of men's argument
Speaker 3: when they are debating about me or not or shying
Speaker 3: away from it, because I have a ton of women
Speaker 3: who I've spoken to who are like, can you please
Speaker 3: tell my husband, like, I'll meet some of y'all at
Speaker 3: the live shows. Yeah, and I'll the meet and greets
Speaker 3: and you'll.
Speaker 2: Whisper to me.
Speaker 3: I'm trying to get my husband to get a proseect
Speaker 3: to me now that Devou got one because he listened
Speaker 3: to everything Devour says, you know, And I think that's
Speaker 3: the biggest overarching concern for most men when you hear
Speaker 3: about the PROSEECTI me debate is being less of a man.
Speaker 3: So is it that men really wrap their manliness and
Speaker 3: their manhood in the ability to procreate.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be honest, I don't know what is wrapped in.
Speaker 1: That's why I want to talk to you about it,
Speaker 1: because it's.
Speaker 2: Just rapped in feelings and you can have that yeah.
Speaker 1: Like, I feel like we don't ever discuss this, and
Speaker 1: that's why I wanted to talk about it. No one
Speaker 1: ever asks a guy, how do you know when you're
Speaker 1: done having kids or when you're done wanting to have children?
Speaker 1: Like do We don't ever ask men that, and we
Speaker 1: often dismiss it as we don't have an opinion. The
Speaker 1: same way when you get into the court systems, everything's
Speaker 1: about the mom and the child, and as dismiss the
Speaker 1: father of having any involvement other than this financial responsibility.
Speaker 1: Like in the court system, it's all about his fiscal responsibility.
Speaker 1: All the rights go to the mom, all of everything
Speaker 1: goes to the mom. But then when it comes to
Speaker 1: the fiscal responsibility, you as a man, have to maintain this.
Speaker 1: And it's like, but you guys are not going to
Speaker 1: ask me what I feel and what I want for
Speaker 1: my children or my child and what I want out
Speaker 1: of this relationship is just you have to pay this
Speaker 1: amount and you get to see them this many days.
Speaker 1: And I feel like that's a real fucked up way
Speaker 1: to deal with parenting, right. How can we condition men
Speaker 1: to not care about childbirth, child rearing, childbearing, but then
Speaker 1: tell us you have to be emotionally intelligent to deal
Speaker 1: with children when they get here and what it means
Speaker 1: to be a parent, and know how to deal with
Speaker 1: women when it comes to being a co parent. When
Speaker 1: we don't even allow men to go through that mindset
Speaker 1: set of what it is to actually be a parent,
Speaker 1: they automatically miss us like it don't matter, like even
Speaker 1: think about it. When you said the value you should get
Speaker 1: a visected me. You made the appointment, and it was
Speaker 1: that you never once had empathy with the fact. And
Speaker 1: I'm not saying you understand because I didn't have the
Speaker 1: same empathy for myself. We didn't have empathy for me
Speaker 1: to say, let's sit down and have a talk to val.
Speaker 1: You really done having kids? How would you feel?
Speaker 3: No, I mean we discussed the vasectomy route, but it
Speaker 3: was always coded in my health right, yeah, yeah, it
Speaker 3: was never a you're right about that, because at first
Speaker 3: I was about to say the vow. We did discuss
Speaker 3: the vipectomy, but you're.
Speaker 1: Right, yeah, we never discisced it like that.
Speaker 3: Sit in the terms of DEVO. Are you done having children?
Speaker 3: Is this something that you want to hold on to,
Speaker 3: just the ability to be able to do that, because
Speaker 3: then the owners would have been on me then to
Speaker 3: figure out what the next move was going to be,
Speaker 3: because as much as you like me the totus as
Speaker 3: in the circle, we sure as hell who would have
Speaker 3: been having more children, Absolutely absolutely, and we both made
Speaker 3: the decision and we both knew that we well, I
Speaker 3: can't even say that we were done having children because
Speaker 3: we have told y'all before too that you have a
Speaker 3: fifth child, and not to take attention away from the
Speaker 3: topic and your discussion and your feelings right now, but
Speaker 3: I too felt like that was taken away from me,
Speaker 3: and it was taken away from me because having the
Speaker 3: postpartum preclamshit episode with Koda. My midwife did say, you know,
Speaker 3: there's a likelihood that you could have full blown preclamsh
Speaker 3: it with another pregnancy, so you can risk that.
Speaker 2: It's nothing that is guaranteed.
Speaker 3: I could have probably had a fifth pregnancy and have
Speaker 3: been perfectly fine.
Speaker 2: I'd even spoken to a pastor that I know, his wife.
Speaker 3: We were having a conversation about that and she was
Speaker 3: like an advocate of us always having a girl, and
Speaker 3: I was like, well, girl, like, we're not doing that
Speaker 3: over here. We clearly just make boys. And she's just like, well,
Speaker 3: why not try one more time? And I said, even
Speaker 3: if I were to, you know, pick the sex of
Speaker 3: the baby and have a baby again, it was more
Speaker 3: or about a health thing.
Speaker 2: And she's like, well, why don't you pray for something else?
Speaker 3: Why don't you pray that you would have a fifth
Speaker 3: baby and the baby beat a healthy baby?
Speaker 2: Girl? And I was like, girl, I tried that. I
Speaker 2: prayed for a.
Speaker 3: Mini me and I ended up with Dakota, who is
Speaker 3: indeed a mini me, but with a penis. You know,
Speaker 3: it wasn't specific enough, I guess, But for me, I
Speaker 3: felt like, damn, I did not make the decision to say,
Speaker 3: you know what, I am done when we're done, because
Speaker 3: we both probably would have had another baby. So I
Speaker 3: felt some kind of way for a little bit too,
Speaker 3: because I was just like, damn, do I have the
Speaker 3: capacity for another challenge to bandwidth?
Speaker 2: I don't.
Speaker 3: But I didn't make the decision that I was done.
Speaker 3: But we had discussions about that, right.
Speaker 1: My biggest thing is we made discussions about my health
Speaker 1: without even thinking about mentally what it would do to
Speaker 1: me for sure, And as a man, I'm starting to
Speaker 1: realize that we do that a lot. We just make
Speaker 1: decisions that's in the best interest of everybody else without
Speaker 1: even thinking or considering how we may feel about it.
Speaker 1: And then when we do feel about it, that we
Speaker 1: suppressed it or we just like, oh, it ain't ain't
Speaker 1: that big of a deal as something else. And after
Speaker 1: speaking to these men, I was realizing, like, yo, it's
Speaker 1: a thing like other than the one. There was five
Speaker 1: of us total, so that one was like I'm happy.
Speaker 1: He was like yo. He's like, yo, we already got
Speaker 1: kids and they're expensive and I don't have time to
Speaker 1: do this and that, and my wife just wants more
Speaker 1: and more kids. And he was like, I don't want
Speaker 1: any more children, and I'm not going to put on
Speaker 1: her to be on birth control, so I'm going to
Speaker 1: do what I have to do too. And he was
Speaker 1: firm on that. He was firm on that, and even
Speaker 1: when I asked him that though, he said they had
Speaker 1: a discussion about how his wife would feel about them
Speaker 1: not being able to conceive any more children, because he
Speaker 1: got of asseected me, so they had a discussion with
Speaker 1: her about how she felt. But he even said that
Speaker 1: no one asked me how I would feel about not
Speaker 1: being able to procreate anymore, and he was just like,
Speaker 1: this is the first time I'm having this conversation amongst men.
Speaker 1: He said, I never really even thought about it. I
Speaker 1: just did what I had to do and moved on.
Speaker 1: So we had asked him, like, how does how does
Speaker 1: it make you feel? Everybody had the same story right
Speaker 1: once they got the vasectomy, Like right after the vasectomy
Speaker 1: when they healed, they all like went to the gym
Speaker 1: and almost had to like boost up on their manliness
Speaker 1: because they almost felt like everything has to be the
Speaker 1: same after It was.
Speaker 3: Like an a litmus test to see do I still
Speaker 3: go to the gym? Think about it.
Speaker 2: You had your resected me.
Speaker 3: I think it was on the Thursday, and Cairo ended
Speaker 3: up in the ear the next day, and you were
Speaker 3: carrying Cairo through the er, and we had that whole
Speaker 3: episode about the er experience, so y'all know how traumatic
Speaker 3: that was in itself. And the whole time, all I'm
Speaker 3: thinking is this man just had a resect to me, like, yes, right,
Speaker 3: Like you had no time to even recover. But here
Speaker 3: you are, super Dad, ready to defend your son's honor
Speaker 3: in the er.
Speaker 1: It's crazy, it is, it is kind of crazy, but
Speaker 1: it just what it also does is because I wanted
Speaker 1: to ask you, like in front of everybody, what exactly
Speaker 1: was it that you felt, because we were prepared to
Speaker 1: try for another child if all things were right, but
Speaker 1: when it didn't happen, we were both like, cool, we're good. Right,
Speaker 1: But then you told me that you felt like the
Speaker 1: postpartum scare, I mean, the preclamps are scare made you
Speaker 1: feel almost less of a woman, like you couldn't do
Speaker 1: something that you wanted to do. And we talked about that, right,
Speaker 1: And I feel like I'm kind of having the same feelings,
Speaker 1: but I don't know what it is, like, I just
Speaker 1: I'm just so not in a space or not used
Speaker 1: to having this type of ordeal that I don't know
Speaker 1: what it is.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and you're used to having control, like you're a
Speaker 3: person that likes to have control over situations, regardless of
Speaker 3: what the situation is. And I think it's a thing
Speaker 3: where you kind of feel like you're no longer in
Speaker 3: control of that it was taken away from you. And
Speaker 3: in terms of how I felt in the moment with
Speaker 3: you having the besseect to me, I saw it as
Speaker 3: something serious, right. You had I think your same group
Speaker 3: of friends who you were discussing the desect to me
Speaker 3: about they sent you home with a little gift basket.
Speaker 3: It was so clever. It was like different candies there, like.
Speaker 2: Yeah, pretty much, or it was like sugar babies.
Speaker 3: And then they put like a little uh it crossed
Speaker 3: out the top part and put like.
Speaker 2: No more.
Speaker 3: Or like almond joy and like cut out like the
Speaker 3: almond and put no more joy. Really funny things that
Speaker 3: were really clever, and you know, it kind of made
Speaker 3: you laugh, and it was like somebody acknowledging that you
Speaker 3: had the proseected me.
Speaker 2: They were making a light of it.
Speaker 1: Well that right, because my wife still hasn't told me
Speaker 1: a sected me party.
Speaker 2: But that's the thing I didn't know.
Speaker 3: First of all, I didn't know if the sector me
Speaker 3: parties were a thing, right because he's, yeah, he's, but
Speaker 3: I didn't.
Speaker 2: I wasn't.
Speaker 3: To me, that would have been making light of something
Speaker 3: that I thought was serious, and I didn't.
Speaker 1: We could have had a party. We have a party
Speaker 1: for everything that happens in this house. When it comes
Speaker 1: to women, you get push gifts, but.
Speaker 3: I didn't think it was something I wanted to celebrate
Speaker 3: with a party, per se.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. But what I'm saying I
Speaker 1: thought it.
Speaker 2: Was something more serious.
Speaker 3: I thought it was like I thought it would be
Speaker 3: making a joke of the fact that you had the
Speaker 3: viseected me. And I know it wasn't necessarily something you
Speaker 3: were electing to do. You did it out of the
Speaker 3: best interest of me and my health.
Speaker 1: And but what I'm saying is that even if you
Speaker 1: didn't throw a party, right, you didn't get me a
Speaker 1: vasectomy gift, but you got pushed gifts, you got you know,
Speaker 1: you got engagement rings, you got.
Speaker 2: I just in that moment, do you understand what I mean.
Speaker 1: I'm not blaming you, And what I'm saying is that
Speaker 1: what we went through is just a testament to how
Speaker 1: things work traditionally. And I'm saying that's what to me
Speaker 1: is what the problem is. Right Like when it comes
Speaker 1: to men or a man, it's like, this is what
Speaker 1: needs to be done. We don't discuss it, we don't
Speaker 1: talk about it. You did with your feelings. You move
Speaker 1: on and you just do what you have to do
Speaker 1: what has to be done. And I feel like that's
Speaker 1: not healthy, right, You know what I'm saying. If I'm
Speaker 1: feeling if I'm feeling like I ain't gonna say I'm
Speaker 1: like depressed. I'm not depressed, right, but there were feelings
Speaker 1: I was like, why do I kind of feel this way?
Speaker 1: Like what is going on? But then I'm left to
Speaker 1: deal with that on my own and by myself. Right,
Speaker 1: there are support groups from mom who deal with postpartum
Speaker 1: pre claim shit who deal with postpartum depression. There are
Speaker 1: support groups for moms. But then when the dad who's
Speaker 1: also up every two and a half hours helping the mom,
Speaker 1: so there's no support group for the dad, Like.
Speaker 2: It's just the group chat.
Speaker 1: It's just a group chat. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: There is no Let's let's rally and create and educate
Speaker 1: around some of the things mentally that this might cause.
Speaker 1: No One told me that this was going to be
Speaker 1: a thing. After Get intersected me that I'm going to have.
Speaker 3: Regret, And I didn't think too when you said the
Speaker 3: episode with us coming to visit you in Toronto for
Speaker 3: spring break and Dakota and that you're feeling like, man,
Speaker 3: this is the last, like baby ellis like, I know,
Speaker 3: I've had moments where I was just like I've been
Speaker 3: trying to savor every bit of Dakota because I know
Speaker 3: how fast he's growing and how he's doing things. I think,
Speaker 3: of course just seeing his older brothers, like he is
Speaker 3: such a little brilliant kid that he just runs around
Speaker 3: doing things way before time. And I'm just like, man,
Speaker 3: I'm trying to hold onto every little baby moment. So
Speaker 3: I didn't think that you, as a guy as a dad,
Speaker 3: was like, Man, I miss like the fact that he's
Speaker 3: going to be little, because you always say, Man, I
Speaker 3: can't wait till he about three four five. He's body
Speaker 3: training and he could say what he wants and he
Speaker 3: can w with me. Yeah, I didn't think he would
Speaker 3: be missing a baby phase. I actually feel like you
Speaker 3: were like man, counting down till we changed the last
Speaker 3: pamper or you know, kept getting out of that that
Speaker 3: that can't sleep phase because the baby's waking up phase.
Speaker 2: Like, I didn't think you'd be missing that.
Speaker 3: But if there's any consolation, the doctor that I found
Speaker 3: you out here is probably the top doctor in America
Speaker 3: for vaseectames, And the reason I selected him was because
Speaker 3: he had an amazing rate with success of vaseectames, but
Speaker 3: an even more amazing rate with production of sperm after
Speaker 3: a reversal, there's.
Speaker 1: No way that man getting nowhere in my nuts ever again.
Speaker 1: So you can start whatever you're trying to go with this,
Speaker 1: you can just start with that because that's and that
Speaker 1: thing they used to burn up, whatever it is, none
Speaker 1: of that is going anywhere near my sack ever. Again.
Speaker 3: Men seeking reversals, according to our facts and stats by
Speaker 3: trouble around six percent. So that's not a high percentage
Speaker 3: of men that want to that have like you know,
Speaker 3: buyers or morse or regrets about doing it. I think
Speaker 3: people probably reverse for different number of reasons, like say,
Speaker 3: for example, for whatever reason we're not no more, they
Speaker 3: remarry or whatever. Then you just say, all right, I
Speaker 3: want to do it for that reason. But I don't
Speaker 3: think you're willing to go down for that again.
Speaker 1: I'm never againting. I'm never going back on there right
Speaker 1: good to know. Ever, my nuts was sore for a
Speaker 1: little bit of time. I was grinning and bearing it.
Speaker 2: So were you really more pain than you let up?
Speaker 1: Because it wasn't even a pain thing. It wasn't it
Speaker 1: wasn't even a pain. There was a little bit of
Speaker 1: a mental there was a little bit of discomfort because
Speaker 1: it's tender, you know what I'm saying. It was a
Speaker 1: little bit discomfort for like a couple of weeks, and
Speaker 1: like a month and a half after what there was
Speaker 1: to like like I won't even call it soreness because
Speaker 1: it was like a but there was like tender to
Speaker 1: where if I did certain things or you did certain things,
Speaker 1: I could feel it, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: Which is wild to me because the doctor said to
Speaker 3: give it a week, and if I was just like.
Speaker 2: We're on dating, I'm Wolverine, We're on day five. I'm fine,
Speaker 2: I'm Laverene.
Speaker 1: Guys, I can heal extremely fast, bruh.
Speaker 3: But men who would like to undergo vasectomies prior to
Speaker 3: age thirty to thirty five are much more likely to
Speaker 3: regret regret their decision than men who have had the
Speaker 3: procedure done later in life.
Speaker 2: Yeah, thirty thirty five is really young. Forever said to me,
Speaker 2: I would.
Speaker 1: Think, No, it's thirty eight.
Speaker 3: They don't encourage, they don't encourage. They don't to do
Speaker 3: their tube tying early either. For that reason. Yeah, because
Speaker 3: that's very final.
Speaker 1: But I was thirty eight when I did it, Like,
Speaker 1: I'm not that only three years out thirty thirty five.
Speaker 3: I mean, when you're taking the scope of men being create,
Speaker 3: you're young. Yeah, you are young. Yeah, you're little whipper
Speaker 3: snapperly at you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, little. I could be throwing babies everywhere, just like
Speaker 1: Nick Cannon. I could baby here, baby hit hot here. Yeah,
Speaker 1: just making kids, babies, babies, babies. I could be doing that,
Speaker 1: get it. No, I'm not. I'm here my so no
Speaker 1: babies around the code of walking around chilling. He ain't
Speaker 1: e a baby no more. The other three is in kids,
Speaker 1: they in school. I'm just here by myself. I can't
Speaker 1: have babies everywhere back then, and.
Speaker 3: You know you sure as I don't want that ship
Speaker 3: me and the valley counting down to where done talking
Speaker 3: so we can take a damn nap.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be so honest. It's not even that I
Speaker 1: can't have a baby. It's the idea that if I
Speaker 1: wanted to, that I can't. If that makes sense.
Speaker 2: And it makes total sense, I get it. I totally
Speaker 2: get it because I almost feel the same way too.
Speaker 3: It's like I want to have another baby if I
Speaker 3: wanted to, not I want to. If I wanted to
Speaker 3: have another baby, I could, but I can't you.
Speaker 2: Know what I'm saying. I get it. It's it's very,
Speaker 2: very parallel here.
Speaker 1: So it's not really a regret in the fact that
Speaker 1: I regret it because I want to have more kids.
Speaker 1: It's just the idea that I can't really just eats
Speaker 1: me up and there and I don't want to, like
Speaker 1: I don't. It's almost like an athlete. It's like an
Speaker 1: athlete who's accomplished everything in like Tom Brady, for example,
Speaker 1: He's accomplished everything in football that you can accomplish. He's
Speaker 1: one of the most Super Bowls out of everybody's one
Speaker 1: with two different teams. He's broken every passing record. But
Speaker 1: he kept playing Why because he can? Right, It's not
Speaker 1: like he needs to, there's no need for him to,
Speaker 1: but he just kept playing because he can't. That's how
Speaker 1: I kind of feel like. I think it's also my personality.
Speaker 1: I'm a conqueror. Like it doesn't matter how much money
Speaker 1: I make. I want to make more money. It doesn't
Speaker 1: matter how Yeah, it is a control thing from you.
Speaker 1: And the crazy part is, and I want to implore
Speaker 1: two more men and women who are making these decisions
Speaker 1: for each other, have a conversation with your husband or
Speaker 1: your partner and ask him how he's going to feel
Speaker 1: about not being able to before you run and jump
Speaker 1: into it. Because once you do this, I mean, there
Speaker 1: are ways to reverse it, but once you do this,
Speaker 1: it's like there's no going back. You know what I'm saying, Oh,
Speaker 1: I changed my mind. Yeah, you know, and there's no
Speaker 1: guarantee that if you do change your mind it can
Speaker 1: work out. Well. I'm saying that, like, as a man,
Speaker 1: I didn't expect to feel this way. I have four beautiful,
Speaker 1: healthy sons, Like, no, you can't really ask for anything
Speaker 1: more except if you like I want five, I want
Speaker 1: a whole basketball team. But you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: I don't feel like I'm lacking in that part of
Speaker 1: my life. But it's like, as a man to walk
Speaker 1: around and be like I could make more kids if
Speaker 1: I wanted to, but you can't. It's kind of like, damn,
Speaker 1: let me go lift more weights, let me go run
Speaker 1: some more.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying, Like, Yeah, nope, I understand it.
Speaker 2: I get it. I completely get it. I just didn't know.
Speaker 3: I never first saw this being a thought for you
Speaker 3: because you were so.
Speaker 2: Much like and I think it's in Part two.
Speaker 3: It's a testament to the way you are always thinking
Speaker 3: about the best interest of me. Right, men, typically for
Speaker 3: men like you, are willing to put aside the way
Speaker 3: you feel because you know that it'll just be for
Speaker 3: the betterment of me. So you really only did it
Speaker 3: for the reason that I could not find another birth
Speaker 3: control method that was not going to be a detriment
Speaker 3: to me. And we think about how much benefit we've
Speaker 3: had since the physeectomy in terms of just our our marriage,
Speaker 3: our sex life, our relationship, everything, my mood, like everything
Speaker 3: is of yea. And here it's said a small number
Speaker 3: of men can develop chronic scrotal pain after the procedure.
Speaker 3: Thankfully you're not one of those people. Everything is functioning
Speaker 3: the way he was concerned about the nut being watery.
Speaker 3: I am here to let y'all know it does not
Speaker 3: compromise the texture or fluidity of the nut. Everything is
Speaker 3: still copes that it yell, it's still doing what it's
Speaker 3: supposed to do. But I just, I just I love
Speaker 3: that you were so adamant about making sure that I
Speaker 3: was going to be okay. And if I'm looking at
Speaker 3: it from my perspective, and this is of course just
Speaker 3: not even considering your argument right now, not argument, but
Speaker 3: the way you feel right now. Just stepping away from that,
Speaker 3: I can just see so many more benefits for you
Speaker 3: and I after having the procedure.
Speaker 2: So that's like a consolation for me.
Speaker 3: I have moments where I'm like, damn, really do the
Speaker 3: right thing by not because I'm not having a baby
Speaker 3: for anybody else. So if I were to have another no,
Speaker 3: you're not. Yeah, I mean it's just if I were
Speaker 3: to have another baby.
Speaker 1: If there's no you're not, you can just stop if
Speaker 1: you need to say, if you're not having any more
Speaker 1: babies and definitely not with anybody else. Of course I'll
Speaker 1: shoot that directly into the camera, of course, not not
Speaker 1: after I cut these nuts up. You did you just
Speaker 1: go out and have a baby for somebody else about
Speaker 1: to cut these nuts up? Hell? No, Like this is
Speaker 1: the This is the best part about it too, because
Speaker 1: we all the men talked about it, right, all of
Speaker 1: our sex lives have been exponentially better. We've all said,
Speaker 1: the one thing that has been inconsistent is that our
Speaker 1: wives are now more free because there's no fear of
Speaker 1: getting pregnant.
Speaker 2: They it's a win for y'all like, yeah.
Speaker 1: But we're saying that we appreciate that and we love
Speaker 1: that for ourselves and our nuts, right, But what we're
Speaker 1: also saying is that doesn't change the fact that you
Speaker 1: still have that feeling. So so so, for example, if
Speaker 1: your husband does have that feeling and everything could be great.
Speaker 1: I say this so that women don't think like damn,
Speaker 1: like you know, like he's going to have regret and
Speaker 1: he's going to be upset and he's going to be
Speaker 1: a downward spiral. And no, we all had this discussion.
Speaker 1: But at least when we had the discussion, we got
Speaker 1: it out. We were able to say, oh, so you
Speaker 1: have the same feeling I feel, so that's something that's
Speaker 1: not that's not rare, that's something that actually happens. But
Speaker 1: then we all still were talking about the fact that, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: well sex is great. Wife isn't worried about anything. Wife
Speaker 1: is more willing to engage in a free manner because
Speaker 1: she's not like but wait, but wait, what about you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. They all have agreed that their
Speaker 1: masculinity hasn't changed like some people. They all said they
Speaker 1: had the same concerns, like it isn't my testosterone going
Speaker 1: to drop because.
Speaker 4: I do this.
Speaker 1: So they were all saying, they worded about the same thing.
Speaker 1: They all it was just like, nas, everything has been better,
Speaker 1: it's been good. But they said they had the same
Speaker 1: feeling like it was just like, damn, I just can't
Speaker 1: go in there and get somebody pregnant, like that's a
Speaker 1: that's an I can get shorty.
Speaker 2: Pregnant because that feels like you know, but it's.
Speaker 1: That power too. And there's another thing. We always revere
Speaker 1: women and give women that God, that God, that God
Speaker 1: feeling of You are the vessel of life. You create
Speaker 1: life and you, you know, you grow life. But it's
Speaker 1: not possible without a man as well. And I feel
Speaker 1: like for so many years we've kind of downplayed the
Speaker 1: role of a man in making life, you know, and
Speaker 1: making a life doesn't start and end with conception and delivery.
Speaker 1: Like I take pride in developing and making my children
Speaker 1: great people, so it's not only about the act of
Speaker 1: having sex and having a baby come out. I think
Speaker 1: the thing with Dakota was, Wow, I've literally watched the
Speaker 1: last person that I'm training to be a better man,
Speaker 1: I'm watching them become that. And then after this there's
Speaker 1: no more fear sit here. And you know, like for Dakota,
Speaker 1: every time he goes through a stepping stone, that's the
Speaker 1: last person I go through that stepping You.
Speaker 2: Don't know that recently.
Speaker 3: And remember I just told you about the stat it
Speaker 3: said like, by the time your kids reach twelve, you
Speaker 3: will have spent like whatever percentage with them.
Speaker 2: And I just was like, oh my god.
Speaker 1: But but I did look up that stat too, right,
Speaker 1: that stat is not considering how technology has changed how
Speaker 1: parents are choosing to spend time with their kids. For example,
Speaker 1: that's that was created and designed based on parents working
Speaker 1: nine to five, sending their kids to school and spending
Speaker 1: eight hours a day, sometimes nine to ten in the
Speaker 1: workplace away from their family, coming home and spending hours
Speaker 1: with their kids. Yeah, so when you have people now
Speaker 1: who are working more from home. Technology has made it
Speaker 1: to where you have remote learning, parents are spending way
Speaker 1: more time with their children than they were in previous generations.
Speaker 2: That makes you feel a little bit better.
Speaker 1: Yeah, research that he was about to about, I was like.
Speaker 2: We've finished seventy five percent of Jackson's life with us.
Speaker 1: What are we going to do?
Speaker 3: But I say that to say, I see Jackson hitting
Speaker 3: his milestones as as.
Speaker 1: Our first yeah.
Speaker 3: And then I have moments from I'm just like, oh
Speaker 3: my god, I miss Jackson as a baby. So now
Speaker 3: I look over and then there's his twin, Dakota, pretty
Speaker 3: much over there. So I'm like, okay, I can still
Speaker 3: get some baby ness, you know. And then I'm like,
Speaker 3: this is the last bit of baby ness that, like,
Speaker 3: Dakota would have still been our bed if you left
Speaker 3: it in our bed, if you left it up to me,
Speaker 3: because I'm like, he's the last baby, this is the
Speaker 3: last kid that we're gonna have in our bed. Like
Speaker 3: why are we rushing him out of the bed because
Speaker 3: we won't have any more kids in the bed. And
Speaker 3: I'm like, oh my god, now we just got to
Speaker 3: rely on nieces and nephews to come along.
Speaker 1: No, I ain't worried about them niggas being in my bed, not.
Speaker 3: In our bed, but I'm just like, you know, when
Speaker 3: you know that you're done, Like I've seen women at
Speaker 3: other phases who are older than me like, oh my god,
Speaker 3: I just want to come hug your baby and give
Speaker 3: him back because I don't have that anymore. I'm done
Speaker 3: having children, and it's just so sweet to have a
Speaker 3: baby again. You know everybody loves that new baby ness,
Speaker 3: so admitt it. You love the new baby ness. You
Speaker 3: love those phases too.
Speaker 1: You want me to admit it. You want me to
Speaker 1: tell the truth. You want truth. They want me to
Speaker 1: admit it.
Speaker 3: You don't like I think about when Coder was first born,
Speaker 3: right here in our bathroom and he came out, and
Speaker 3: then it's just like the snuggles on daddy's chest.
Speaker 2: You don't miss those little moments.
Speaker 1: No, no, if I'm being honest, like I love I've
Speaker 1: loved watching him come out. He smelled good coming out,
Speaker 1: but he didn't do nothing. He was a big blob
Speaker 1: of nothing. He screamed and pooped and slept like there
Speaker 1: was no interaction. There was no.
Speaker 2: Engagement, cuddling, the cuddling, that like snuggling, that the littleness.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, I don't like. I didn't engage that much
Speaker 1: and that that wasn't my fa That's not my phase.
Speaker 1: That's my phase. My phase is him now now like
Speaker 1: like from now, like him, Cairo, Kaz Jackson, they're all
Speaker 1: at different phases. Even Kaz and Cairo are different phases
Speaker 1: because they're a year in three months apart. But you
Speaker 1: ask me all the time, like, do you have a
Speaker 1: favorite in this moment? And gona be honest, man, whichever
Speaker 1: one of those kids is in front of me in
Speaker 1: that moment, because there are so many different phases, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's my favorite kid. Like with Jackson, Jackson is in
Speaker 1: the discovery of manhood phase. He's you know, adolescent, He's
Speaker 1: starting to go through puberty. He's discovering what he is.
Speaker 1: His voice is changing, he's asking questions. I'm seeing him
Speaker 1: look at his fears and go after it, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I love that phase from I love spending time with Jackson.
Speaker 1: Then it's Cairo. He's chasing everything Jackson is doing. Me
Speaker 1: and him spent time yesterday because Jackson went to a
Speaker 1: football game, Kaz was out with you and Dakota was sleep.
Speaker 1: So me and him are working on his basketball handles
Speaker 1: and his drills and stuff, and he's talking to me
Speaker 1: about what he wants to do in life, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: he's at that age where he's starting to understand that,
Speaker 1: you know, he has control over what he wants to do.
Speaker 1: He's six, you know, like he's starting to realize that
Speaker 1: Kaz is five. He's in the my dad is my
Speaker 1: hero phase. Every time he sees me, he hugs me,
Speaker 1: he jumps in my arms, and you know, he just
Speaker 1: wants to spend time with me, and he wants to
Speaker 1: emulate what I want to do. You know, Coda is
Speaker 1: in this wait a minute, I can move around and
Speaker 1: run around and do this stuff phase, and I know
Speaker 1: how to use this laptop and I can do all
Speaker 1: of this stuff phase and I still smile, and I'm
Speaker 1: watching him go through a different phase. The only problem
Speaker 1: is this is why Dakota is the trigger for me.
Speaker 1: When he does something, it shows that he no longer
Speaker 1: needs me to do something. Yeah, Like he went to
Speaker 1: the fridge. I was in the fridge the other day.
Speaker 1: He brought his cup over to me. He was just
Speaker 1: pointing at the thing. And then I went and I
Speaker 1: put some orange juice. I put water in it, and
Speaker 1: I gave him the cutback and he just ran the
Speaker 1: other direction. And I'm like, Wow, he doesn't need me
Speaker 1: to help him drinking anymore. He don't want me to
Speaker 1: hold them in. No, He's just gone. And I'm like wow,
Speaker 1: Like that's going to be the last time that I
Speaker 1: you know, like those things are really what hit me,
Speaker 1: you know, like, yeah, no, I got you. If there's
Speaker 1: any consolation prize, my wife has been doing an amazing
Speaker 1: job of making sure that these moments we have without
Speaker 1: the kids are like special for us. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. You've done an amazing job with that, and
Speaker 1: I know it's make it been very easy on you.
Speaker 1: Now that you don't have all the hormones and stuff
Speaker 1: going through your body, it seems like you're you're you
Speaker 1: feel free.
Speaker 2: I feel like I am who I'm really.
Speaker 1: Supposed to be.
Speaker 3: Yeah, whoever Kadeen was over the past, maybe like at
Speaker 3: least fifteen years. You think about your like being on
Speaker 3: birth control and children and back to back children and
Speaker 3: trying to cut back after children, and it's just everything,
Speaker 3: even just physically the way my body is coming back
Speaker 3: down to size. It's like I'm finally out of the
Speaker 3: woods of you know, the postpartum phase for more or less.
Speaker 1: Jo I never thought about that either, how your body
Speaker 1: has changed. Think about it. Those hormones and all the
Speaker 1: stuff you put in your body for birth control also
Speaker 1: affect weight scuation. Like I keep we keep saying, like
Speaker 1: what is so different, And it's like this is the
Speaker 1: first time in your life since two thousand, almost like
Speaker 1: a teenager that you're not on some type of birth
Speaker 1: control or pregnant. Yep, Yeah, it was crazy how your
Speaker 1: body's also responded. I didn't even think about it.
Speaker 3: I almost feel like I'm reversing now, like I'm reversing
Speaker 3: back to not to say that I feel like I'm
Speaker 3: getting I guess I feel like I'm more youthful right,
Speaker 3: I'm feeling like I'm getting younger again.
Speaker 2: I'm moving around more.
Speaker 3: I'm I'm you know, weight training and working out, you know,
Speaker 3: with more energy now. And it's also I'm sure it's collaborative.
Speaker 3: It's not just that, but it's also you know, of
Speaker 3: course watching what I eat and stuff that. But I'm
Speaker 3: talking about my mood, my mental energy level, just how
Speaker 3: I feel about how I wake up and I feel
Speaker 3: like I approached the day.
Speaker 2: It's just so different.
Speaker 3: It's just so different, and you can you can see
Speaker 3: the vast difference in it because once you had the visectomy.
Speaker 3: I did get on the mini pill for four or
Speaker 3: five months just to protect myself in the interim.
Speaker 1: And think about how your weight fluctuated, how much weight
Speaker 1: you gain from.
Speaker 3: From October to December December. Yeah, I was, Yeah, I
Speaker 3: was coming down. Then I regained weight, I had.
Speaker 2: Back actne, face acne, and.
Speaker 3: Then when I went to get a facial in February
Speaker 3: for the live shows and the book tour, that's when
Speaker 3: my aesthetition out in New Jersey. Maymie's was like, yeah,
Speaker 3: it's gonna take about three four months for this to
Speaker 3: get out of your system.
Speaker 1: And you got off the pill in December.
Speaker 3: Right, Yeah, in December, so that means it was January, February, March, April, May.
Speaker 3: So I'm five months out and I'm now starting to
Speaker 3: see it, like I still get a couple like now
Speaker 3: I have a couple of breakouts here and there. My
Speaker 3: back is still coming into but yeah, it just tears
Speaker 3: your ass.
Speaker 1: But it is crazy though that you are finally like
Speaker 1: your body is now finally doing what it was made
Speaker 1: to do. M you don't any hormones, you any ring.
Speaker 2: I feel the most natural I was when I was
Speaker 2: when I was pregnant.
Speaker 3: Pregnant, yeah, because I wasn't on any kind of birth control,
Speaker 3: no kind of stive.
Speaker 1: Of every pregnancy, the best was the best. And when
Speaker 1: you look at when you look at where we were
Speaker 1: in our lives. During those times, we were always in
Speaker 1: our best move. You weren't on any pills, you out
Speaker 1: of morning sickness, but you weren't big enough yet to
Speaker 1: know for people to know that you were actually.
Speaker 2: Pregnant, and where I was like, yeah, like okay, let's
Speaker 2: get this baby out of me. Yeah.
Speaker 3: But then even going into pregnancy, not having any kind
Speaker 3: of interventions, having the last two or three actually naturally,
Speaker 3: like my body just bounced back. But then once I
Speaker 3: put the IUD back in after these kids, that's when everything. Yeah, yeah, babe,
Speaker 3: I'm so happy you told me this though, so at
Speaker 3: least I know it's a thing, because I didn't know
Speaker 3: this was a thing.
Speaker 2: This was actually a very surprise episode for me because.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we can explore and yeah, and.
Speaker 3: At least I know to be able to now touch
Speaker 3: base with you, because before what was the issue that
Speaker 3: we'd have. You'd be feeling some kind of way about
Speaker 3: something and just not saying it or be dealing with
Speaker 3: it on your own and then lashing out because you
Speaker 3: expected me to understand, And I'm like, bro, I didn't
Speaker 3: even know this was happening.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so I do. I did kind of want to
Speaker 1: talk about it.
Speaker 3: Because I was and to us and to y'all about
Speaker 3: how you've been feeling about it, because I'm sure you're
Speaker 3: not the only man that felt Now.
Speaker 1: I have to speaking to a couple of other dudes.
Speaker 1: Then I was just like, damn, this is something I
Speaker 1: got to talk on the podcast because if these women
Speaker 1: are because we've already talked about having the vaseected me
Speaker 1: and how great we felt about it, if there are
Speaker 1: men who are getting of aseected me based on oh,
Speaker 1: this is the response that they've had, I want them
Speaker 1: to at least hear this and be like, oh, so
Speaker 1: if I feel this way is normal, it's normal.
Speaker 3: I don't feel like you're not going to be looking
Speaker 3: at your wife mad now because to be like maybe
Speaker 3: protected me and.
Speaker 1: Out look fun thing is I never I never got
Speaker 1: to that point. It was never you made me. I
Speaker 1: never felt like you made me.
Speaker 2: Essentially, I didn't. I can't make you do anything, right.
Speaker 3: I think it was collective and I'm not that type
Speaker 3: of guy anyway that's just going to do something.
Speaker 1: Yeah, if anything, I made the decision for us. I
Speaker 1: was like, enough with this, I'm gonna go do this.
Speaker 1: But you did make the appointment find a doctor and
Speaker 1: drive me. They're like, yo, they gonna go get this
Speaker 1: ship done that part.
Speaker 3: But but what was the straw because we even delayed
Speaker 3: that a bit too, because last year I had made
Speaker 3: the appointment and you know, you didn't make the appointment.
Speaker 2: I think we made it for like February or March.
Speaker 3: I remember the woman called you to see if you
Speaker 3: were still coming in for the appointment and she and
Speaker 3: he said, you said, my wife made the appointment.
Speaker 2: And she's like, oh yeah. We got a lot of
Speaker 2: wives that call in here show up for their appointment.
Speaker 3: So it was commonplace for the doctor's office to see
Speaker 3: men not show up. But then this next time around,
Speaker 3: what did it for me is when I went to
Speaker 3: get my blood work done.
Speaker 2: Remember when I.
Speaker 3: Had to do my physical and it came back that
Speaker 3: my hemoglobin was low and I knew it was period
Speaker 3: the heavy periods on the on the paraguard I d
Speaker 3: And at that point I was like, oh, so now
Speaker 3: it's about to be anemic because I'm bleeding like profusely
Speaker 3: every three weeks, like this is crazy for ten days
Speaker 3: and that's really I think that's.
Speaker 1: Really what it is. That's really what did yea I have?
Speaker 1: I have a moment of truth too, so I'm almost
Speaker 1: save it.
Speaker 2: To me, all right, save it to the end.
Speaker 3: We're gonna pay some bills and we are going to
Speaker 3: come back and tell us no letters.
Speaker 2: So stick around me out.
Speaker 1: All right, we're back.
Speaker 2: You want to read the first one, baby, I read
Speaker 2: the first one. Go for it.
Speaker 1: We got listener letters for you guys. Hey, Davali Kadeen
Speaker 1: recently found your podcast and I absolutely love it. Thank you,
Speaker 1: We love you too. I've quickly become a fan and
Speaker 1: enjoy each episode. I've joined the Patreon family as well,
Speaker 1: and I can't wait until you all do your next
Speaker 1: set of live shows so I can see you all
Speaker 1: in person. Can wait?
Speaker 2: Man next February, y'all. Marsha Calendar currently.
Speaker 1: In a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of seventeen months.
Speaker 1: That's almost sounds exactly identical to the last one. I'm
Speaker 1: twenty eight and he is twenty nine, and they were
Speaker 1: also twenty eight and twenty nine. We are in love
Speaker 1: and I plan to spend the rest of my life
Speaker 1: with him. He is always thinking of others before himself
Speaker 1: and putting their needs above his own, including mine, being
Speaker 1: selfless and sacrificial comes natural to him and one of
Speaker 1: the most endearing qualities. He inspires me to be more
Speaker 1: selfless every day. Man is in the military and has
Speaker 1: been on his own since he was eighteen. For over
Speaker 1: a decade, he's been having to take care of himself
Speaker 1: everything himself. His main love language is acts of service,
Speaker 1: so being of service to him and making his life
Speaker 1: easier is how he feels most appreciated. It allows him
Speaker 1: to feel love, seen and heard. He also doesn't communicate
Speaker 1: his needs, wants, and desires often as he feels he
Speaker 1: won't be heard by others and will be let down.
Speaker 1: I don't know what that feels like. And when he
Speaker 1: does share his needs and wants, he would like to
Speaker 1: see an immediate change in actions rather than excuses and
Speaker 1: apologies facts. As we've continued to learn more about how
Speaker 1: to love one another, I'm doing my best to create
Speaker 1: a safe space, a safe place for him to be vulnerable.
Speaker 1: I want him to know that I have his back.
Speaker 1: I have his best interests at heart and want to
Speaker 1: see him chase all his dreams. I want to be
Speaker 1: as cheerleader throughout life. With us living in two different cities,
Speaker 1: he doesn't always see how I could be helpful to
Speaker 1: him and assist in making his life easier on a
Speaker 1: daily basis. My question is, how can I be of
Speaker 1: service to my boyfriend while being in a long distance relationship.
Speaker 1: How can I put him first and create a safe
Speaker 1: space for him to be vulnerable and share his needs
Speaker 1: with me while living in a different city.
Speaker 3: Hmmm interesting and jaow I thought that sound like Val wrote,
Speaker 3: she's riding about Deva.
Speaker 1: This is very simple. This is actually very simple I
Speaker 1: could tell. I could tell her how to do it.
Speaker 2: Okay, so tell her, because this is you.
Speaker 1: Stop asking us how to do it. Ask him, and
Speaker 1: when he tells you what he needs and requires, do it.
Speaker 1: Don't do it on your time. Don't do you way
Speaker 1: about to say, don't do what your flavoring sauce on it.
Speaker 3: Do what he asked literally, because Deval would literally be
Speaker 3: saying to me certain things that he wanted, and I'd
Speaker 3: be like, oh, well, it'll be cute if I do
Speaker 3: it this way, or I'll word this because this would
Speaker 3: be cute, and Deval was just like, I didn't ask
Speaker 3: you for that.
Speaker 2: Y'all heard the story about the White Savage.
Speaker 3: It was a bomb ass lezardy fire and not what
Speaker 3: I asked so pissed because he said, I did not
Speaker 3: ask for It's not what you're to it's not So
Speaker 3: don't try.
Speaker 2: To reinvent the wheel citys.
Speaker 3: If you have someone that is going to tell you
Speaker 3: what they want, well, I don't know if he is
Speaker 3: he being vocal.
Speaker 2: Did you say she's being vocal about well?
Speaker 1: Well, she said. She said that he doesn't like to
Speaker 1: share his needs and feelings and wants because he's often
Speaker 1: let down, yes, and he doesn't want to be disappointed,
Speaker 1: so he just deals. I know what that feels like.
Speaker 2: Absolutely.
Speaker 1: I've said to Kadeen so many times to say, you
Speaker 1: know why I don't talk to people. Every time I
Speaker 1: talk to people, they cry. It doesn't matter who it is.
Speaker 1: I talk to people. I tell him how I feel
Speaker 1: and what I need. They cry, I'm the big bad wolf.
Speaker 1: I'm the bad guy because I'm the one that's always
Speaker 1: there for people, and the moment I express what I
Speaker 1: need out of that relationship, they feel attacked. So I
Speaker 1: stopped and that didn't help any because now not only
Speaker 1: was I not getting what I wanted, I wasn't even
Speaker 1: able to express how I felt about it. And Kadeen
Speaker 1: and I went through this and I just got to
Speaker 1: a point where I was like, Kadeen, I'm not going
Speaker 1: to stop telling you how I feel. I'm going to
Speaker 1: keep telling you how I feel. And if you really
Speaker 1: love me the way you say you love me, you'll
Speaker 1: listen to what I'm saying and you'll work with me
Speaker 1: with being what I need if you can do it,
Speaker 1: and if you can, we talk about it and we
Speaker 1: figure another way. And for years Kadeen would do stuff
Speaker 1: like I said, I want to go to watch a
Speaker 1: movie on date night. Kadean will get me tickets to
Speaker 1: the theater and I'd be like, I want to go
Speaker 1: see a movie. He said, when I thought that you
Speaker 1: would want to see this show, I'm like, I got
Speaker 1: to ask you what you thought. I told you what
Speaker 1: I wanted, and she said, but I thought this was nice.
Speaker 1: And we argued for years about her doing what she
Speaker 1: thought was special for me instead of doing exactly what
Speaker 1: I asked. And your boyfriend is a military guy, which
Speaker 1: means he's very big on directives. Directives are extremely there's
Speaker 1: a task.
Speaker 3: Complete the task, complete the test, don't reinvent the wheel,
Speaker 3: and find ways to like. For example, we were long
Speaker 3: distance when you were in the league. I knew what
Speaker 3: he needed in order to get by, like I just
Speaker 3: knew even fun Now, why you think I trucked my
Speaker 3: ass up to Toronto with four kids on spring break
Speaker 3: when we were supposed to be the Muhamma's on the beach,
Speaker 3: but we went to the cold because No, my husband
Speaker 3: does not deal well with being away from his family
Speaker 3: for an extended period of time. So I had to
Speaker 3: haul ass up to Canada to be in Toronto with
Speaker 3: him and the kids, because I know that's what he
Speaker 3: needed in that moment to get by. Figure out what
Speaker 3: he needs in that moment to get by and deliver
Speaker 3: on that.
Speaker 1: And also when you can't be there do things, it's
Speaker 1: like you're there. I get up some mornings, there's groceries
Speaker 1: already at the door because she's already ordered the groceries.
Speaker 1: She knows everything that I like. And before I even
Speaker 1: have to say, oh, let me get up and go
Speaker 1: get some shopping, it's already done. Like there are so
Speaker 1: many ways to help someone long distance with technology nowadays,
Speaker 1: i'd be on set. She Uber eats food to where
Speaker 1: I'm at, Like I'm really big on acts of service
Speaker 1: as well, But I also don't require much. Kade knows
Speaker 1: that if I'm fed, for the most part, I'm in
Speaker 1: a good mood. So Cardino call me in because once
Speaker 1: last time you ate me.
Speaker 3: Usually always I always ask you are they feeding taking care?
Speaker 2: If not, now I gotta go. Ma'm sure I call
Speaker 2: out the reinforcements to get what you need.
Speaker 1: What's my rule on apologies?
Speaker 2: Change behavior?
Speaker 1: That's what apologies. Apologies mean nothing.
Speaker 2: You can I want you to say I'm sorry. Dival
Speaker 2: does not care. Nope, And I've become that way too, like.
Speaker 1: I don't want to hear sorry, sorry. The best apology
Speaker 1: is change behavior. If if I'm doing something that that
Speaker 1: doesn't work in the synergy with my wife and she
Speaker 1: expresses it, I'm not going to just say sorry to her.
Speaker 1: I'm going to acknowledge that thing I didn't know that
Speaker 1: that was.
Speaker 2: Or try to kind of the other person that the
Speaker 2: way they feel is not valid.
Speaker 1: Yeah, don't do that. Don't do that, just and and
Speaker 1: and only change your behavior if you want to. If
Speaker 1: you don't want to change your behavior, you can say, listen,
Speaker 1: this is a behavior that I'm comfortable with doing. Maybe
Speaker 1: this isn't working for us together and that's okay as well.
Speaker 3: Because if he starts to spill his guts out about
Speaker 3: the things he requires and you're like, oh, yeah, this
Speaker 3: is a lot.
Speaker 2: I'm not trying to be of service to you in
Speaker 2: this way.
Speaker 3: So then maybe then you know, okay, you got you
Speaker 3: equipped to deal with somebody who's requiring this, and then
Speaker 3: that's okay, you can go find your person. So good
Speaker 3: luck to y'all. All right, second and last listener letter
Speaker 3: of the day. First off, I want to thank you
Speaker 3: to for being so impactful in my life. When people
Speaker 3: ask who my role models are, devl you are one
Speaker 3: of the names I speak on.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much.
Speaker 3: I use your example so much in conversations with my
Speaker 3: own podcast. My lady and I been watching y'all's video
Speaker 3: since we were twenty one. We're now twenty six with
Speaker 3: an almost two year old boy and a baby girl
Speaker 3: on the way. Congrats, y'all. We have a house to
Speaker 3: have a great job, and my lady is holding down
Speaker 3: the fort. I plan to give her that ring soon. Carrie,
Speaker 3: if you're hearing this, hey ah wait second, all.
Speaker 2: Right, carry girl, You about to get your races. Devel,
Speaker 2: I for real look up to you in many ways.
Speaker 3: I was raised by a single father, though my mom
Speaker 3: was very present in my life. He was my main caretaker.
Speaker 3: He was real hard on me. It took sorry, he
Speaker 3: was real hard on me. It was kind of to
Speaker 3: the point speaking to my pops raised the dope man
Speaker 3: for me, for real, for real, Okay. But at the
Speaker 3: same time, I don't want my son to go through
Speaker 3: what I went through with verbal abuse, ass whoopings like
Speaker 3: I got, some well deserved, some not so much. I
Speaker 3: love sports and want to coach my son, but my
Speaker 3: pops was my coach and shit was rough, and I
Speaker 3: don't want that on my son. I'm so nervous in
Speaker 3: all aspects of raising my son. I don't want to
Speaker 3: fuck him.
Speaker 1: Up all the time.
Speaker 3: All the time. I'm in therapy for myself and my family.
Speaker 3: That's awesome. It gave me anxiety. I gave me anxiety
Speaker 3: when or thing it says it. It gave me anxiety
Speaker 3: when we lost my brother when I was ten, he
Speaker 3: was eleven to a disease, and I think my Pops
Speaker 3: grieved it for a long time. But he's one of
Speaker 3: those men who hides it. And I know that because
Speaker 3: I'm the same way. What advice do you have in
Speaker 3: regards to raising your sons that may have shifted from
Speaker 3: when you y'all were twenty six While we just we're
Speaker 3: talking to jack about this and how do you continue
Speaker 3: to feed their confidence but prevent arrogance?
Speaker 1: But we literally just talked about this.
Speaker 3: How do you also create a respectful relationship but also
Speaker 3: trust so they know you're always there for them and
Speaker 3: love them. This is a great, great question. First of all,
Speaker 3: shout out to you for being the kind of man
Speaker 3: and father who is reflective on his life and the
Speaker 3: things that worked and didn't work for you and how
Speaker 3: you can be a better father.
Speaker 2: So that is awesome.
Speaker 3: Your kids are going to be so, so so good
Speaker 3: because of that. Divine and I literally have just had
Speaker 3: this conversation and then had the conversation with Jackson too,
Speaker 3: So you can take it away, baby, because I know
Speaker 3: he's speaking to you specifically.
Speaker 1: No, this is a dope question. This is you know,
Speaker 1: Kadin and I wrote the book We Over Me. I
Speaker 1: want to do a second book. I'm actually in discussions
Speaker 1: a book on fatherhood because of everything I everything I
Speaker 1: pretty much learned over the past twelve years of raising
Speaker 1: Jackson and now six five and eighteen months raising Dakota,
Speaker 1: Kiro and Kaz. But the first thing is you. You
Speaker 1: brought the age twenty six to twenty seven. I was
Speaker 1: twenty six and twenty seven years old. I was coming
Speaker 1: out of the NFL, kadein and I got pregnant. Jackson
Speaker 1: came the year after. I approached fatherhood like I did
Speaker 1: the NFL, like I approached it with this vigor and
Speaker 1: this unyielding work effort, like everything had to be repetition.
Speaker 1: Just do things perfectly, just everything had to be on go,
Speaker 1: do it one hundred percent. Now now now. And what
Speaker 1: I realized was I gave Jackson a lot of anxiety
Speaker 1: because his fear was that if he didn't do things
Speaker 1: exactly the way I said it in real time, he
Speaker 1: would disappoint me and I wouldn't love him. And it
Speaker 1: hurt me when he told me that, But it also
Speaker 1: opened my eyes to how I can change for Cairo,
Speaker 1: kazn Dakota. So the biggest thing I will tell you
Speaker 1: is number one, don't coach your son. I coached his
Speaker 1: football team last year. Right coach, And to be honest,
Speaker 1: find other voices to be what you can't be. And
Speaker 1: I'll tell you why when I was mentoring young man
Speaker 1: and I was doing prototype sports performance, I could scream, cuss,
Speaker 1: do everything to these kids to get the best out
Speaker 1: of them. But at the end of the day and
Speaker 1: the segment, they could go back into the car with
Speaker 1: their moms and dads and discuss something else and don't
Speaker 1: have to deal with hearing this same voice when they
Speaker 1: get home. When I was training and coaching Jackson, I'd
Speaker 1: be screaming and cussing and hollering and doing all of
Speaker 1: that stuff. Then we get in the car and I'm
Speaker 1: still going him. Then I get home and I'm still
Speaker 1: going him. And then he gets up and go to
Speaker 1: school the next day, and all he's heard was me
Speaker 1: be coach. And even when I tried not to be
Speaker 1: coach at home, I noticed he shied away from being
Speaker 1: around me because he was afraid that I was going
Speaker 1: to coach him at home and he didn't want that.
Speaker 1: So what I started doing was creating a specific time
Speaker 1: and place for me to train him. And once we
Speaker 1: were done with that time in place, I didn't go
Speaker 1: back to that I was dad now where before when
Speaker 1: I was coaching, and that he knew the difference coaching,
Speaker 1: but then when I became dad, I said, once we
Speaker 1: get in his car, I'm dad. Now we can talk
Speaker 1: about anything. We're not talking about basketball when I talk
Speaker 1: about your stats, when not talking about the layups and all, no,
Speaker 1: anything you want to talk about, we can talk about it.
Speaker 1: So the first thing I say is differentiate the time
Speaker 1: and place to be a coach and be a dad.
Speaker 1: But also do not be afraid to acknowledge your faults
Speaker 1: as a man to your son and apologize him for
Speaker 1: anything you may have done that may have been a
Speaker 1: detriment to him in the past, and now you can
Speaker 1: correct that. Vulnerability will allow him to then be vulnerable
Speaker 1: to you and open up to you when he's not
Speaker 1: feeling his best self. That's the main thing I've learned.
Speaker 1: I asked Jackson to be vulnerable. How many times, Jackson,
Speaker 1: don't you talk to me? That's I ask you a questions?
Speaker 1: You want to talk to me? He's like, I'm fine,
Speaker 1: I'm fine, I'm fine. And I realized that I'm looking at.
Speaker 3: A little version of me, and he wouldn't even know
Speaker 3: how to express himself in that way if you didn't
Speaker 3: try to do it yourself.
Speaker 2: And then it becomes reciprocal.
Speaker 1: I know y'all heard. I know y'all heard what kadeen
Speaker 1: he said, But that is a whole other podcast. The
Speaker 1: way you learn how to create emotionally intelligent, vulnerable child
Speaker 1: is by being vulnerable with them. Yes, they will watch
Speaker 1: you do it, and they will feel like it's okay
Speaker 1: to do it because you've opened up. If you stay
Speaker 1: closed and you don't say anything to them and you
Speaker 1: and Jackson has said it to me so many times,
Speaker 1: I suggestion, why do you get so upset when you
Speaker 1: start to get emotional? I said, do you realize once
Speaker 1: you start to get emotional and I point out that
Speaker 1: you're getting emotional, you get even more emotional. Trying to
Speaker 1: fight back the fact that you're already emotional, he says, well,
Speaker 1: look at you. You don't ever get emotional. Everything you
Speaker 1: do is very you always put you always together. That's
Speaker 1: what he told me. He said, I don't know why
Speaker 1: I get emotional. Then he starts to get emotional, and
Speaker 1: I had to realize, like, wow, my son has never
Speaker 1: seen me be emotional, so he thinks he's less of
Speaker 1: a man if he starts to get emotional and he
Speaker 1: becomes emotional about that and he can't control it, and
Speaker 1: I was like wow. So I started to open up
Speaker 1: with him and become vulnerable, and he started to comfort me.
Speaker 1: And then he would say things like that, it's okay,
Speaker 1: like you're not perfect, you know, you give me grace.
Speaker 1: And I start to hear him say the things that
Speaker 1: I say to him to me in order to comfort me.
Speaker 1: And then when I say, I say, see how you
Speaker 1: comforted me there, and I see him kind of smirt,
Speaker 1: and I was like, how come you can't do the
Speaker 1: same thing to yourself. So all of the story is
Speaker 1: be the person you want to see your children become.
Speaker 1: Don't be this hyper masculine, super tough, region rigid version.
Speaker 2: Children must be seen and not heard like all.
Speaker 1: Of those you know, tropes of manhood.
Speaker 2: Out the window, out the window and stuff.
Speaker 3: That's a good topic though, because we did talk about
Speaker 3: very recently how we've been how we're purposefully changing the
Speaker 3: way we are our parenting based off of Jackson and
Speaker 3: letting Jackson know, like man like you grew up with
Speaker 3: us in the trenches, like in Brooklyn when.
Speaker 2: We had nothing.
Speaker 3: He started with us there and that's why as stellar
Speaker 3: as a student as he is athlete, a human being,
Speaker 3: Jackson Gill whatever he wants or just for that reason
Speaker 3: a long because he has persevered through everything that we've
Speaker 3: had to endure and brought him through. We've put him
Speaker 3: in adult situations as a child where he had to
Speaker 3: move at such moments, you know, and it was and
Speaker 3: it wasn't fair to him, but it was all because
Speaker 3: we had the bigger picture, you know, as the focus.
Speaker 1: So also the last thing is include if you have
Speaker 1: multiple kids, include your oldest child in how you parent
Speaker 1: the youngest one, so that they can understand when they
Speaker 1: see differences. I've already remember we were swimming with Kaz.
Speaker 1: Kaz didn't want to jump in the water, and I
Speaker 1: talked to him and I said, hey, bro, He's like,
Speaker 1: I'm nervous. I'm nervous. She started crying. So I said, hey,
Speaker 1: that's why we're doing this, because you're nervous. I'm saying,
Speaker 1: just jump, Daddy, gonna be right here. Just jump in
Speaker 1: the water, swim across. He's like, how many times, Let's
Speaker 1: say you do it three times, You're done. He jumped
Speaker 1: in the first time. We applauded him. We jumped the
Speaker 1: first time, and Jackson was watching and then as soon
Speaker 1: as Jackson was he was done. I walked over to Jackson.
Speaker 1: I said, you see what I did there. He's like yeah.
Speaker 1: I said, that was very different than when you were
Speaker 1: learning how to swim when you were five. He was
Speaker 1: like yeah. I said, what happened? He said, I would
Speaker 1: have got screamed that it cussed out. I said, yeah,
Speaker 1: I said, Daddy was a little immature then, you know
Speaker 1: I was. I was way younger. I didn't know what
Speaker 1: I was doing. I didn't understand how detrimental that was
Speaker 1: to you and your development. And I would have definitely
Speaker 1: been screaming there, like get your ass in the pool,
Speaker 1: stop being a baby, stop being scared, face your fears it.
Speaker 1: I would have been screaming like a drill sergeant. And
Speaker 1: you jumped in there anyway with all that anxiety, and
Speaker 1: you fought through it. But I could have helped you
Speaker 1: a lot more if I was more mature. So, now
Speaker 1: that you're watching me do this, help me with your brothers.
Speaker 1: And Jackson now doesn't feel like he was left the side.
Speaker 1: He understands the difference or he.
Speaker 2: At the short end of this.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's almost empowering him now to yes, assist us
Speaker 3: in the parents, absolutely his brothers, and I love that
Speaker 3: for him, especially us to being the oldest really good
Speaker 3: listener letters this go around. Y'all continue to write in
Speaker 3: because we love to hear from you. If you want
Speaker 3: to be featured as a listener letter, be sure to
Speaker 3: email us at dadas Advice at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: That's D E A D A S S A D
Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 3: All right, you had said early on in the show
Speaker 3: that you already had your moment of truth.
Speaker 2: Do you remember it? Yes, Okay, go for it.
Speaker 1: Well, this was my moment of truth in all of this.
Speaker 1: Fatherhood doesn't begin and end with conception and delivery, you know,
Speaker 1: for men who are really involved fathers, and you can't
Speaker 1: say you can't put fatherhood in a scope and include
Speaker 1: everyone because they're a different type of fathers, right to it.
Speaker 1: But the type of father I am right, it exist
Speaker 1: all the way through my children's life. So my regret
Speaker 1: didn't come from the act of actually making a child.
Speaker 1: My regret comes in from the fact that I'm watching
Speaker 1: my youngest start to go through these steps that I
Speaker 1: will no longer have to do anymore, and the fact
Speaker 1: that I can't create that again at any time was
Speaker 1: kind of like wow, like that's final, you know, like
Speaker 1: that's very, very final. But it also made me realize
Speaker 1: how much I appreciate and love being a father, Like
Speaker 1: I really love doing this thing. I know it's going
Speaker 1: to come a moment and it's probably not to resect me,
Speaker 1: but it's probably just the fact that my kids are
Speaker 1: growing up. When Dakota's in school like Cairo and Kaz
Speaker 1: and we wake up some days and they're all off
Speaker 1: until two thirty and they're out and there's nothing for
Speaker 1: us to do with kids. I'm probably going to go
Speaker 1: through that phase again where.
Speaker 3: I'm just like, I know, feeling like an empty nest, right, yeah,
Speaker 3: you know, because let's home school them all and bring
Speaker 3: them back home because we enjoy our kids, y'all. Do
Speaker 3: I know some parents can't wait for school to open
Speaker 3: back up to get their kids in school every day.
Speaker 3: If we can keep our kids with us all the time,
Speaker 3: whether it's on work, work trips, on set wherever, I
Speaker 3: would love to have my kids with me all the time.
Speaker 3: They're freaking dope human beings.
Speaker 1: Think about it. No matter what's going on, at some point,
Speaker 1: there's always a little person in the house, like right now,
Speaker 1: da Colda just walks in the room.
Speaker 2: I hear him in the back.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he walks in the room. He turned the TV
Speaker 1: on and take all the stuff out the drawers and
Speaker 1: the walk out.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 1: It's like at some point he's going to be in school. Yeah,
Speaker 1: there's going to be no little person just walking in
Speaker 1: the room and climbing in the bed. I know. You know,
Speaker 1: like that's that's really what it is. And the idea
Speaker 1: that I can't just make that again when I want yeah,
Speaker 1: seems very final.
Speaker 3: You know how A whole lots of moments like that. When
Speaker 3: you're away filming, they all move into our room and
Speaker 3: I'll have one in the bed with me, one of
Speaker 3: the foot of the bed on the chase lounger, and
Speaker 3: then they'll bring a blow up bed.
Speaker 2: And that's just my way of being like damn, I
Speaker 2: just always want them like here.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 1: My bad last thing. Don't disregard men's feelings. You thought
Speaker 1: I was going to say, like, don't disregard how men
Speaker 1: feel about being fathers and making children and write it
Speaker 1: off like the court system does. And it make it
Speaker 1: seem like your only responsibility is to provide and you
Speaker 1: don't care, because men do care. And the idea of
Speaker 1: you know, making children and creating and procreating is not
Speaker 1: just something that is only exists in women. It exists
Speaker 1: in us. And we've been taught in condition to be like,
Speaker 1: it's fine if I can't, it's fine. But that's just
Speaker 1: not the case. Of the five men, four felt like
Speaker 1: they had regrets about it, regrets about the one guy
Speaker 1: felt like he didn't, but he also had a lot
Speaker 1: of kids. But don't disregard men's feelings when it comes
Speaker 1: to their kids.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that was going to be my moment of truth,
Speaker 3: like for ladies particularly, and I say, lady is just
Speaker 3: because I know we have different forms of relationships and
Speaker 3: examples of couples who listen to the show, but specifically
Speaker 3: speaking to our men who don't always who are not
Speaker 3: always given the benefit of the doubt when it comes
Speaker 3: to emotions and how they feel in the way they
Speaker 3: express it, for us to just really just ask again
Speaker 3: how you feel like, never stop the line of questioning,
Speaker 3: whether it's with a vasectomy or it's just with anything
Speaker 3: being able to express yourself. Even our listener letter where
Speaker 3: she said, you know, I don't know how to be
Speaker 3: pretty much of service to him, like ask the questions
Speaker 3: and have the conversations. He may not open up one
Speaker 3: the first time, he may not open up the second time,
Speaker 3: but the third time. And I love that you felt
Speaker 3: comfortable within the space that we're in as a couple
Speaker 3: to be able to say, hey, babe, you know I
Speaker 3: feel like in the past I might have been like, well, damn,
Speaker 3: now he got the vasecting me done. Now it's my fault,
Speaker 3: and I would have just taken that in and myself
Speaker 3: like damn, how so.
Speaker 2: Now you're saying you didn't want the viseect to me.
Speaker 2: How Like we spoke about this, like, why are you
Speaker 2: having an issue with it? Now?
Speaker 3: That's as immature, Kadeen, Kadeen, You's ago kind received it
Speaker 3: that And now I just really wanted to be empathetic
Speaker 3: with you and feel how you felt in this moment,
Speaker 3: because it's a real thing and it's a real feeling.
Speaker 3: So I want to encourage couples out there, whichever's spouse
Speaker 3: is dealing with something to just ask and ask again
Speaker 3: and not judge them for the way they feel. So
Speaker 3: all right, y'all be sure to find us on Patreon.
Speaker 3: I love what you're writing, You're right into the listener
Speaker 3: letters they've been saying, Oh, we are part of the
Speaker 3: Patreon family. Now you can get exclusive dead Ass podcast
Speaker 3: video and Ella's family content there, as well as All
Speaker 3: day Ka.
Speaker 2: If you guys have not tuned in yet, we've been
Speaker 2: working around the clock on that.
Speaker 3: And find us on social media dead Ass the Podcast,
Speaker 3: Kadeen I am and I.
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Speaker 2: Come here, baby, let me rub your nuts.
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