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Speaker 1: Babe. I've never said this to you before, but I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna say it now. Yeah, I regret having a vasectomy.

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Speaker 2: You do not? Are you serious?

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Speaker 1: Dead ass?

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Speaker 2: You trying to reverse thatsh.

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Speaker 3: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm devoued and we're the Ellis's.

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Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with.

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Speaker 2: Our boys and reading each other publicly as a form

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Speaker 2: of therapy.

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Speaker 1: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

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Speaker 2: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.

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Speaker 1: Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open

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Speaker 1: dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.

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Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.

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Speaker 1: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass

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Speaker 1: is a term that we say every day. So when

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Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred

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Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

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Speaker 1: We about to take philosof to our whole new level.

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Speaker 3: Dead ass starts right now.

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Speaker 1: I don't gotta go far back for this one because

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Speaker 1: the prosected me is only but that was five months old.

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Speaker 1: But we were in we were in Canada, I was

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Speaker 1: filming and all the boys were there in the room

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Speaker 1: with me, and I watched them just be all around

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Speaker 1: you because it was just there's a new environment. They

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Speaker 1: wanted mom for everything. I knew you was exhausted. So

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Speaker 1: the Coda in particular, was just constantly wrapping hisself around

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Speaker 1: your legs and anytime you went to move, he would

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Speaker 1: start crying. So I was like, enough is enough. So

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Speaker 1: for the next hour, I went through this process of

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Speaker 1: taking the Coda away from Kadeen and putting him on

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Speaker 1: the bed in the room, and he was crying and

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Speaker 1: I would not get him off the bed until he

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Speaker 1: stopped crying, and Kadeen was kind of like, what are

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Speaker 1: you doing? I was like, this is the process. Now.

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Speaker 1: I don't want to say kids are like pets, but

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Speaker 1: remember I trained our dogs. I trained out puppies, and

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Speaker 1: I learned that puppies learn, they learned behavior, but ultimately

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Speaker 1: they teach you how to treat them right. So if

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Speaker 1: you constantly have poor behavior with a puppy, pretty much

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Speaker 1: they're teaching you that their poor behavior is going to

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Speaker 1: be accepted, and then their poor behavior becomes your reality.

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Speaker 2: This parallels with pets and kids.

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Speaker 1: So with Dakoda, I was like, I am going to

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Speaker 1: tell him now that this will not be tolerated. So

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Speaker 1: every time he started screaming, I put him on the bed,

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Speaker 1: left them alone. When he got quiet, we all went

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Speaker 1: in there and me and the boys we started cheering.

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Speaker 1: When he got quiet, then we would take him off

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Speaker 1: the bed. If he immediately got off the bed and

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Speaker 1: ran over to you and started crying, we put him

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Speaker 1: back into the bed. So after about an hour, Da

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Speaker 1: Coda picked it up. Yeah, he was quiet in the room,

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Speaker 1: and we came in there and got him. And when

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Speaker 1: we came in there and got him, he didn't cry.

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Speaker 1: He looked at Kadeen. Then he kind of looked at

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Speaker 1: me for approval, and I was like, you want to

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Speaker 1: go to mommy. Then he kind of walked over to

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Speaker 1: Kadeen and he sat next to her and he was quiet,

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Speaker 1: and then all of the kids started cheering like yeay,

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Speaker 1: and I see cold his face kind of light up

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Speaker 1: like he figured something out. And in that moment, it

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Speaker 1: hit me that that is the last Ellis's son, like

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Speaker 1: the last baby, the last baby, and I immediately felt

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Speaker 1: the way about that.

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Speaker 3: Oh babe, I didn't know that this song.

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Speaker 1: Is dedicated to me.

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Speaker 2: It is dedicated to my nuts.

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Speaker 4: The saddest thing my life is when she left me,

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Speaker 4: I was feeling the pain, the pain, the pain, the

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Speaker 4: sast my line.

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Speaker 1: So the reason why I say that song is because

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Speaker 1: I really got sad and it shocked me.

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Speaker 2: But you were said in that moment, you were sad

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Speaker 2: when you're.

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Speaker 1: No, That's why I want to talk about it, because

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Speaker 1: when I first got it done, I wasn't sad, I know.

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Speaker 1: So I want to talk about the reasons why I

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Speaker 1: got sad and what I was able to kind of

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Speaker 1: figure out on my own. Okay, so we'll talk about

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Speaker 1: I know you seem surprised because we never talked about this,

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Speaker 1: and I just feel.

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Speaker 3: Like I'm over here like it'd be a good time

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Speaker 3: to talk about conversation.

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Speaker 2: So I guess there's no running show here because we're just.

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Speaker 1: I know, trouble. Got some facts and stats. We'll get

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Speaker 1: into that.

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Speaker 2: Well, when you said you had this episode under control,

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Speaker 2: I guess you did.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, all right, all right, so we'll talk about that

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Speaker 3: then we'll be back.

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Speaker 1: All right, we're back, so let me break down story time. Right,

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Speaker 1: So I got sad, and at first I didn't know

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Speaker 1: why I was sad. Right, at first, I was like, man,

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Speaker 1: I'm just sad because I missed my family. I haven't

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Speaker 1: seen you guys. Y'all cameres for my birthday, y'all leaving again.

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to see y'all for another three weeks.

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Speaker 1: So I'm just sad because of that. So now I'm

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Speaker 1: in the room and I'm just you know, dire about

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Speaker 1: myself after you guys leave, and I'm just thinking, and

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Speaker 1: I'm thinking, and I'm just like, wow, like that was

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Speaker 1: the last, like my last baby, And I'm just like,

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Speaker 1: why am I thinking about babies? Like I don't I

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Speaker 1: don't have baby fever, like there was no babies around,

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Speaker 1: but I'm thinking about babies. And I just was constantly

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Speaker 1: thinking about the coda, thinking about the coda. And then

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Speaker 1: this is the funny part, right, the NBA Playoffs was

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Speaker 1: getting into swing, and I think Josh Hart's wife was

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Speaker 1: pregnant and she just recently had twins, but at the

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Speaker 1: time she was like at the end of her pregnancy,

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Speaker 1: and he had spoken about what it would feel like

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Speaker 1: to like miss his children's birth if he was like

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Speaker 1: having a you know, he's had a playoff game, if

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Speaker 1: there was a way out of town and stuff like that,

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Speaker 1: and the more he started to talk about like fatherhood

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Speaker 1: and creating life, really like resonated with me with the

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Speaker 1: fact that I can no longer say I can create

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Speaker 1: life like men don't talk about this, but it really

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Speaker 1: is a thing, because I spoke to a couple other

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Speaker 1: dads about it, and.

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Speaker 3: These the dads who have had vasectomies, or just men

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Speaker 3: in general. Because what's interesting about what you said for

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Speaker 3: me is that it never occurred to me or crossed

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Speaker 3: my mind, vasectomy or not, that men knew for sure

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Speaker 3: when they were done. I thought that men, if anything,

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Speaker 3: can just have consolation the fact that they will always

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Speaker 3: be able to have children well into their eighties if

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Speaker 3: they wanted to. But with women, they're always pose the question, right,

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Speaker 3: how do you know that you're done? Or I was

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Speaker 3: told I would know from other women, you'll know when

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Speaker 3: you're done. I have an aunt who has one child

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Speaker 3: and said, I knew after this one child, I was done.

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Speaker 3: And then you have some women who are just like,

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Speaker 3: I'm not done, and I have four children, and I

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Speaker 3: know that I still want more.

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Speaker 2: That's really really interesting.

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Speaker 1: Let me tell you something. After speaking to these men, yo,

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Speaker 1: we always say because women carry children, it's up to

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Speaker 1: all and I said this too, it's up to my

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Speaker 1: wife and whether or not we're going to have more

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Speaker 1: children because she carries children, right, And I actually just

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Speaker 1: through that aside, is that's the way it's supposed to be, right,

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Speaker 1: not really saying is that fair? Think about what I'm saying, Like,

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Speaker 1: I never even thought to myself how I would feel

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Speaker 1: about it, because in my mind I had already was

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Speaker 1: already conditioned to say, whenever my wife decides she's done

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Speaker 1: with having kids, we're done, right, And I felt like, well,

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Speaker 1: once the doctor said that it wouldn't be in your

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Speaker 1: best interest to having any more children because of the

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Speaker 1: postpart and preclamshit, I was like, cool, the doctor made

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Speaker 1: that decision for me, because if my wife can't have kids,

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Speaker 1: we not having no more kids. I'm cool. I don't

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Speaker 1: want the blah blah blah blah blah. I'm already conditioned

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Speaker 1: to say boom, and then I can't. I have this

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Speaker 1: resected me and now I'm thinking about it, I'm just like,

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Speaker 1: am I done having kids? You know what I'm saying?

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Speaker 1: Like if I wasn't done having kids, the fact that

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Speaker 1: I can't have kids really made me sad, and I

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Speaker 1: spoke to other dads about it, and they all said

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Speaker 1: the same thing. They was like, well, you know, I

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Speaker 1: never really thought about if I would want more kids, So.

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Speaker 3: That wasn't the mindset for men. So that was going

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Speaker 3: to be my question. Is it that men make the

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Speaker 3: decision strictly based off of their wife or their spouse's

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Speaker 3: desire or not or ability to have more children, or

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Speaker 3: is it really just a thing where men know when

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Speaker 3: they're done having children.

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Speaker 1: Well, so I had I had this four dads who

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Speaker 1: all have resected me, so I'm the fifth, okay, And

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Speaker 1: I asked them. I was just like, how did y'all decide?

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Speaker 1: Most of them except for one. Most of them said

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Speaker 1: my wife said she didn't want no more kids. I

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Speaker 1: was like cool. They were like you gotta get a vasectomy.

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Speaker 1: And they were like whatever, like you don't want no

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Speaker 1: more kids? I paid for these kids, like you know,

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Speaker 1: the they it was a mutual understand like whatever, you

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Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. The one father said he made

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Speaker 1: the decision because he was done having kids. He was

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Speaker 1: his wife wanted more kids, and he was just like,

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Speaker 1: I'm not having and they already have a lot of kids.

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Speaker 1: So he was just like, I'm not. He was like

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Speaker 1: he didn't feel like he could pour into any more kids,

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Speaker 1: and he felt like he wanted to be responsible and

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Speaker 1: not have an OOPS baby because he said they already

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Speaker 1: had two Oops babies. And he was just like he

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Speaker 1: was thinking this. So he was done and he said,

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Speaker 1: I'm done. Like I'm not. Said if it was up

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Speaker 1: to my wife, we'd have more kids. But he was

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Speaker 1: just like, it just wouldn't be fair to the kids, right,

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Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, It wouldn't be fair to us,

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Speaker 1: like you know, I want my wife to So he

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Speaker 1: made a decision, so he said he was done. But

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Speaker 1: those other dads, I asked him, I said, you know,

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Speaker 1: have you ever had moments where you feel like Two

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Speaker 1: of them said they felt like they were less of

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Speaker 1: a man because they couldn't, like create life.

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Speaker 2: It's just a matter of being able to yes.

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Speaker 1: And I never thought about that, And then it made

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Speaker 1: me feel some kind of It made me feel like me,

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Speaker 1: is that what I'm feeling because I don't want any

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Speaker 1: more children. I feel like we have four beautiful boys

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Speaker 1: that are all healthy. You're healthy. I don't want kids,

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Speaker 1: but there is something about that feeling like, dang, if

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Speaker 1: I wanted to have another child, I can't, Like, I

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Speaker 1: don't know what it is about that that's making me

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Speaker 1: like feel like like I'm like mad, Like you know

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying.

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Speaker 3: Well, I think that's usually a lot of men's argument

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Speaker 3: when they are debating about me or not or shying

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Speaker 3: away from it, because I have a ton of women

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Speaker 3: who I've spoken to who are like, can you please

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Speaker 3: tell my husband, like, I'll meet some of y'all at

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Speaker 3: the live shows. Yeah, and I'll the meet and greets

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Speaker 3: and you'll.

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Speaker 2: Whisper to me.

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Speaker 3: I'm trying to get my husband to get a proseect

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Speaker 3: to me now that Devou got one because he listened

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Speaker 3: to everything Devour says, you know, And I think that's

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Speaker 3: the biggest overarching concern for most men when you hear

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Speaker 3: about the PROSEECTI me debate is being less of a man.

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Speaker 3: So is it that men really wrap their manliness and

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Speaker 3: their manhood in the ability to procreate.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna be honest, I don't know what is wrapped in.

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Speaker 1: That's why I want to talk to you about it,

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Speaker 1: because it's.

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Speaker 2: Just rapped in feelings and you can have that yeah.

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Speaker 1: Like, I feel like we don't ever discuss this, and

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Speaker 1: that's why I wanted to talk about it. No one

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Speaker 1: ever asks a guy, how do you know when you're

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Speaker 1: done having kids or when you're done wanting to have children?

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Speaker 1: Like do We don't ever ask men that, and we

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Speaker 1: often dismiss it as we don't have an opinion. The

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Speaker 1: same way when you get into the court systems, everything's

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Speaker 1: about the mom and the child, and as dismiss the

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Speaker 1: father of having any involvement other than this financial responsibility.

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Speaker 1: Like in the court system, it's all about his fiscal responsibility.

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Speaker 1: All the rights go to the mom, all of everything

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Speaker 1: goes to the mom. But then when it comes to

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Speaker 1: the fiscal responsibility, you as a man, have to maintain this.

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Speaker 1: And it's like, but you guys are not going to

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Speaker 1: ask me what I feel and what I want for

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Speaker 1: my children or my child and what I want out

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Speaker 1: of this relationship is just you have to pay this

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Speaker 1: amount and you get to see them this many days.

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Speaker 1: And I feel like that's a real fucked up way

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Speaker 1: to deal with parenting, right. How can we condition men

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Speaker 1: to not care about childbirth, child rearing, childbearing, but then

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Speaker 1: tell us you have to be emotionally intelligent to deal

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Speaker 1: with children when they get here and what it means

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Speaker 1: to be a parent, and know how to deal with

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Speaker 1: women when it comes to being a co parent. When

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Speaker 1: we don't even allow men to go through that mindset

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Speaker 1: set of what it is to actually be a parent,

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Speaker 1: they automatically miss us like it don't matter, like even

256
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Speaker 1: think about it. When you said the value you should get

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Speaker 1: a visected me. You made the appointment, and it was

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Speaker 1: that you never once had empathy with the fact. And

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Speaker 1: I'm not saying you understand because I didn't have the

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Speaker 1: same empathy for myself. We didn't have empathy for me

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Speaker 1: to say, let's sit down and have a talk to val.

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Speaker 1: You really done having kids? How would you feel?

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Speaker 3: No, I mean we discussed the vasectomy route, but it

264
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Speaker 3: was always coded in my health right, yeah, yeah, it

265
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Speaker 3: was never a you're right about that, because at first

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Speaker 3: I was about to say the vow. We did discuss

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Speaker 3: the vipectomy, but you're.

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Speaker 1: Right, yeah, we never discisced it like that.

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Speaker 3: Sit in the terms of DEVO. Are you done having children?

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Speaker 3: Is this something that you want to hold on to,

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Speaker 3: just the ability to be able to do that, because

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Speaker 3: then the owners would have been on me then to

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Speaker 3: figure out what the next move was going to be,

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Speaker 3: because as much as you like me the totus as

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Speaker 3: in the circle, we sure as hell who would have

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Speaker 3: been having more children, Absolutely absolutely, and we both made

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Speaker 3: the decision and we both knew that we well, I

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Speaker 3: can't even say that we were done having children because

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Speaker 3: we have told y'all before too that you have a

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Speaker 3: fifth child, and not to take attention away from the

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Speaker 3: topic and your discussion and your feelings right now, but

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Speaker 3: I too felt like that was taken away from me,

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Speaker 3: and it was taken away from me because having the

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Speaker 3: postpartum preclamshit episode with Koda. My midwife did say, you know,

285
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Speaker 3: there's a likelihood that you could have full blown preclamsh

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Speaker 3: it with another pregnancy, so you can risk that.

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Speaker 2: It's nothing that is guaranteed.

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Speaker 3: I could have probably had a fifth pregnancy and have

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Speaker 3: been perfectly fine.

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Speaker 2: I'd even spoken to a pastor that I know, his wife.

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Speaker 3: We were having a conversation about that and she was

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Speaker 3: like an advocate of us always having a girl, and

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Speaker 3: I was like, well, girl, like, we're not doing that

294
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Speaker 3: over here. We clearly just make boys. And she's just like, well,

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Speaker 3: why not try one more time? And I said, even

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Speaker 3: if I were to, you know, pick the sex of

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Speaker 3: the baby and have a baby again, it was more

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Speaker 3: or about a health thing.

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Speaker 2: And she's like, well, why don't you pray for something else?

300
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Speaker 3: Why don't you pray that you would have a fifth

301
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Speaker 3: baby and the baby beat a healthy baby?

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Speaker 2: Girl? And I was like, girl, I tried that. I

303
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Speaker 2: prayed for a.

304
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Speaker 3: Mini me and I ended up with Dakota, who is

305
00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:14,080
Speaker 3: indeed a mini me, but with a penis. You know,

306
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:17,360
Speaker 3: it wasn't specific enough, I guess, But for me, I

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00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:20,760
Speaker 3: felt like, damn, I did not make the decision to say,

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Speaker 3: you know what, I am done when we're done, because

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Speaker 3: we both probably would have had another baby. So I

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Speaker 3: felt some kind of way for a little bit too,

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Speaker 3: because I was just like, damn, do I have the

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00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,760
Speaker 3: capacity for another challenge to bandwidth?

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Speaker 2: I don't.

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Speaker 3: But I didn't make the decision that I was done.

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Speaker 3: But we had discussions about that, right.

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Speaker 1: My biggest thing is we made discussions about my health

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Speaker 1: without even thinking about mentally what it would do to

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Speaker 1: me for sure, And as a man, I'm starting to

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Speaker 1: realize that we do that a lot. We just make

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Speaker 1: decisions that's in the best interest of everybody else without

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Speaker 1: even thinking or considering how we may feel about it.

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Speaker 1: And then when we do feel about it, that we

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Speaker 1: suppressed it or we just like, oh, it ain't ain't

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Speaker 1: that big of a deal as something else. And after

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Speaker 1: speaking to these men, I was realizing, like, yo, it's

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00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:11,600
Speaker 1: a thing like other than the one. There was five

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Speaker 1: of us total, so that one was like I'm happy.

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Speaker 1: He was like yo. He's like, yo, we already got

329
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Speaker 1: kids and they're expensive and I don't have time to

330
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Speaker 1: do this and that, and my wife just wants more

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Speaker 1: and more kids. And he was like, I don't want

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Speaker 1: any more children, and I'm not going to put on

333
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,120
Speaker 1: her to be on birth control, so I'm going to

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Speaker 1: do what I have to do too. And he was

335
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:31,200
Speaker 1: firm on that. He was firm on that, and even

336
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Speaker 1: when I asked him that though, he said they had

337
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:38,240
Speaker 1: a discussion about how his wife would feel about them

338
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:40,320
Speaker 1: not being able to conceive any more children, because he

339
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:42,720
Speaker 1: got of asseected me, so they had a discussion with

340
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:46,040
Speaker 1: her about how she felt. But he even said that

341
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:49,160
Speaker 1: no one asked me how I would feel about not

342
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,840
Speaker 1: being able to procreate anymore, and he was just like,

343
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Speaker 1: this is the first time I'm having this conversation amongst men.

344
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:55,920
Speaker 1: He said, I never really even thought about it. I

345
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:57,920
Speaker 1: just did what I had to do and moved on.

346
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Speaker 1: So we had asked him, like, how does how does

347
00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:03,640
Speaker 1: it make you feel? Everybody had the same story right

348
00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:07,040
Speaker 1: once they got the vasectomy, Like right after the vasectomy

349
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,640
Speaker 1: when they healed, they all like went to the gym

350
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:12,200
Speaker 1: and almost had to like boost up on their manliness

351
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:15,399
Speaker 1: because they almost felt like everything has to be the

352
00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:17,000
Speaker 1: same after It was.

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Speaker 3: Like an a litmus test to see do I still

354
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,439
Speaker 3: go to the gym? Think about it.

355
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Speaker 2: You had your resected me.

356
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Speaker 3: I think it was on the Thursday, and Cairo ended

357
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:27,560
Speaker 3: up in the ear the next day, and you were

358
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:30,480
Speaker 3: carrying Cairo through the er, and we had that whole

359
00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:33,200
Speaker 3: episode about the er experience, so y'all know how traumatic

360
00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:35,840
Speaker 3: that was in itself. And the whole time, all I'm

361
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:39,520
Speaker 3: thinking is this man just had a resect to me, like, yes, right,

362
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:41,720
Speaker 3: Like you had no time to even recover. But here

363
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:44,600
Speaker 3: you are, super Dad, ready to defend your son's honor

364
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:45,040
Speaker 3: in the er.

365
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Speaker 1: It's crazy, it is, it is kind of crazy, but

366
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Speaker 1: it just what it also does is because I wanted

367
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Speaker 1: to ask you, like in front of everybody, what exactly

368
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:58,080
Speaker 1: was it that you felt, because we were prepared to

369
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Speaker 1: try for another child if all things were right, but

370
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,520
Speaker 1: when it didn't happen, we were both like, cool, we're good. Right,

371
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:09,199
Speaker 1: But then you told me that you felt like the

372
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Speaker 1: postpartum scare, I mean, the preclamps are scare made you

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Speaker 1: feel almost less of a woman, like you couldn't do

374
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Speaker 1: something that you wanted to do. And we talked about that, right,

375
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Speaker 1: And I feel like I'm kind of having the same feelings,

376
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Speaker 1: but I don't know what it is, like, I just

377
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:27,440
Speaker 1: I'm just so not in a space or not used

378
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:31,040
Speaker 1: to having this type of ordeal that I don't know

379
00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:31,520
Speaker 1: what it is.

380
00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:33,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, and you're used to having control, like you're a

381
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:36,480
Speaker 3: person that likes to have control over situations, regardless of

382
00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:38,359
Speaker 3: what the situation is. And I think it's a thing

383
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,240
Speaker 3: where you kind of feel like you're no longer in

384
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:43,000
Speaker 3: control of that it was taken away from you. And

385
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,199
Speaker 3: in terms of how I felt in the moment with

386
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:47,479
Speaker 3: you having the besseect to me, I saw it as

387
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:51,400
Speaker 3: something serious, right. You had I think your same group

388
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:53,080
Speaker 3: of friends who you were discussing the desect to me

389
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,240
Speaker 3: about they sent you home with a little gift basket.

390
00:18:56,480 --> 00:19:00,360
Speaker 3: It was so clever. It was like different candies there, like.

391
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:05,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, pretty much, or it was like sugar babies.

392
00:19:05,359 --> 00:19:07,760
Speaker 3: And then they put like a little uh it crossed

393
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:09,440
Speaker 3: out the top part and put like.

394
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:10,240
Speaker 2: No more.

395
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:14,080
Speaker 3: Or like almond joy and like cut out like the

396
00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:18,399
Speaker 3: almond and put no more joy. Really funny things that

397
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:20,920
Speaker 3: were really clever, and you know, it kind of made

398
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:23,240
Speaker 3: you laugh, and it was like somebody acknowledging that you

399
00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:24,080
Speaker 3: had the proseected me.

400
00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:26,200
Speaker 2: They were making a light of it.

401
00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:29,879
Speaker 1: Well that right, because my wife still hasn't told me

402
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:30,720
Speaker 1: a sected me party.

403
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:31,960
Speaker 2: But that's the thing I didn't know.

404
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:33,480
Speaker 3: First of all, I didn't know if the sector me

405
00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:36,600
Speaker 3: parties were a thing, right because he's, yeah, he's, but

406
00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:37,000
Speaker 3: I didn't.

407
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:37,400
Speaker 2: I wasn't.

408
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,560
Speaker 3: To me, that would have been making light of something

409
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,080
Speaker 3: that I thought was serious, and I didn't.

410
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,280
Speaker 1: We could have had a party. We have a party

411
00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:47,400
Speaker 1: for everything that happens in this house. When it comes

412
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,720
Speaker 1: to women, you get push gifts, but.

413
00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:51,680
Speaker 3: I didn't think it was something I wanted to celebrate

414
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:52,920
Speaker 3: with a party, per se.

415
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:55,159
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. But what I'm saying I

416
00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:55,439
Speaker 1: thought it.

417
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:56,240
Speaker 2: Was something more serious.

418
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:57,440
Speaker 3: I thought it was like I thought it would be

419
00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:59,200
Speaker 3: making a joke of the fact that you had the

420
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,600
Speaker 3: viseected me. And I know it wasn't necessarily something you

421
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,119
Speaker 3: were electing to do. You did it out of the

422
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:06,359
Speaker 3: best interest of me and my health.

423
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,439
Speaker 1: And but what I'm saying is that even if you

424
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,800
Speaker 1: didn't throw a party, right, you didn't get me a

425
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:15,479
Speaker 1: vasectomy gift, but you got pushed gifts, you got you know,

426
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:23,440
Speaker 1: you got engagement rings, you got.

427
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:22,320
Speaker 2: I just in that moment, do you understand what I mean.

428
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:25,240
Speaker 1: I'm not blaming you, And what I'm saying is that

429
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:28,640
Speaker 1: what we went through is just a testament to how

430
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:32,439
Speaker 1: things work traditionally. And I'm saying that's what to me

431
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:36,320
Speaker 1: is what the problem is. Right Like when it comes

432
00:20:36,359 --> 00:20:38,919
Speaker 1: to men or a man, it's like, this is what

433
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:40,880
Speaker 1: needs to be done. We don't discuss it, we don't

434
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:42,760
Speaker 1: talk about it. You did with your feelings. You move

435
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:44,080
Speaker 1: on and you just do what you have to do

436
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:47,960
Speaker 1: what has to be done. And I feel like that's

437
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,320
Speaker 1: not healthy, right, You know what I'm saying. If I'm

438
00:20:51,359 --> 00:20:55,000
Speaker 1: feeling if I'm feeling like I ain't gonna say I'm

439
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:58,439
Speaker 1: like depressed. I'm not depressed, right, but there were feelings

440
00:20:58,440 --> 00:20:59,920
Speaker 1: I was like, why do I kind of feel this way?

441
00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:02,359
Speaker 1: Like what is going on? But then I'm left to

442
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:05,040
Speaker 1: deal with that on my own and by myself. Right,

443
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:08,040
Speaker 1: there are support groups from mom who deal with postpartum

444
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:12,120
Speaker 1: pre claim shit who deal with postpartum depression. There are

445
00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:15,040
Speaker 1: support groups for moms. But then when the dad who's

446
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:17,800
Speaker 1: also up every two and a half hours helping the mom,

447
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:19,760
Speaker 1: so there's no support group for the dad, Like.

448
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:20,640
Speaker 2: It's just the group chat.

449
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:22,760
Speaker 1: It's just a group chat. You know what I'm saying,

450
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:26,439
Speaker 1: There is no Let's let's rally and create and educate

451
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:29,200
Speaker 1: around some of the things mentally that this might cause.

452
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:31,159
Speaker 1: No One told me that this was going to be

453
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:33,280
Speaker 1: a thing. After Get intersected me that I'm going to have.

454
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:35,720
Speaker 3: Regret, And I didn't think too when you said the

455
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:39,720
Speaker 3: episode with us coming to visit you in Toronto for

456
00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:42,040
Speaker 3: spring break and Dakota and that you're feeling like, man,

457
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:44,040
Speaker 3: this is the last, like baby ellis like, I know,

458
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,439
Speaker 3: I've had moments where I was just like I've been

459
00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:49,120
Speaker 3: trying to savor every bit of Dakota because I know

460
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:53,200
Speaker 3: how fast he's growing and how he's doing things. I think,

461
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:56,439
Speaker 3: of course just seeing his older brothers, like he is

462
00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,800
Speaker 3: such a little brilliant kid that he just runs around

463
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:01,639
Speaker 3: doing things way before time. And I'm just like, man,

464
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:04,239
Speaker 3: I'm trying to hold onto every little baby moment. So

465
00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:08,240
Speaker 3: I didn't think that you, as a guy as a dad,

466
00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:11,240
Speaker 3: was like, Man, I miss like the fact that he's

467
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:13,320
Speaker 3: going to be little, because you always say, Man, I

468
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:15,720
Speaker 3: can't wait till he about three four five. He's body

469
00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:17,199
Speaker 3: training and he could say what he wants and he

470
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,200
Speaker 3: can w with me. Yeah, I didn't think he would

471
00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:20,919
Speaker 3: be missing a baby phase. I actually feel like you

472
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:23,120
Speaker 3: were like man, counting down till we changed the last

473
00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:25,679
Speaker 3: pamper or you know, kept getting out of that that

474
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:28,040
Speaker 3: that can't sleep phase because the baby's waking up phase.

475
00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:29,600
Speaker 2: Like, I didn't think you'd be missing that.

476
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:33,840
Speaker 3: But if there's any consolation, the doctor that I found

477
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:37,080
Speaker 3: you out here is probably the top doctor in America

478
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:40,520
Speaker 3: for vaseectames, And the reason I selected him was because

479
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:44,600
Speaker 3: he had an amazing rate with success of vaseectames, but

480
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:49,200
Speaker 3: an even more amazing rate with production of sperm after

481
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,640
Speaker 3: a reversal, there's.

482
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,440
Speaker 1: No way that man getting nowhere in my nuts ever again.

483
00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:55,359
Speaker 1: So you can start whatever you're trying to go with this,

484
00:22:55,880 --> 00:23:01,040
Speaker 1: you can just start with that because that's and that

485
00:23:01,359 --> 00:23:03,440
Speaker 1: thing they used to burn up, whatever it is, none

486
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:06,480
Speaker 1: of that is going anywhere near my sack ever. Again.

487
00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:09,520
Speaker 3: Men seeking reversals, according to our facts and stats by

488
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:13,880
Speaker 3: trouble around six percent. So that's not a high percentage

489
00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:16,159
Speaker 3: of men that want to that have like you know,

490
00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:18,560
Speaker 3: buyers or morse or regrets about doing it. I think

491
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:22,040
Speaker 3: people probably reverse for different number of reasons, like say,

492
00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:24,600
Speaker 3: for example, for whatever reason we're not no more, they

493
00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:26,560
Speaker 3: remarry or whatever. Then you just say, all right, I

494
00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:28,240
Speaker 3: want to do it for that reason. But I don't

495
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:30,440
Speaker 3: think you're willing to go down for that again.

496
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:33,840
Speaker 1: I'm never againting. I'm never going back on there right

497
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,159
Speaker 1: good to know. Ever, my nuts was sore for a

498
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:39,520
Speaker 1: little bit of time. I was grinning and bearing it.

499
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:41,240
Speaker 2: So were you really more pain than you let up?

500
00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:43,240
Speaker 1: Because it wasn't even a pain thing. It wasn't it

501
00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:44,639
Speaker 1: wasn't even a pain. There was a little bit of

502
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:46,960
Speaker 1: a mental there was a little bit of discomfort because

503
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:49,000
Speaker 1: it's tender, you know what I'm saying. It was a

504
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,320
Speaker 1: little bit discomfort for like a couple of weeks, and

505
00:23:51,359 --> 00:23:52,879
Speaker 1: like a month and a half after what there was

506
00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:55,480
Speaker 1: to like like I won't even call it soreness because

507
00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:57,600
Speaker 1: it was like a but there was like tender to

508
00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:59,960
Speaker 1: where if I did certain things or you did certain things,

509
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:01,760
Speaker 1: I could feel it, you know what I'm saying.

510
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:03,280
Speaker 3: Which is wild to me because the doctor said to

511
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:05,000
Speaker 3: give it a week, and if I was just like.

512
00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:08,480
Speaker 2: We're on dating, I'm Wolverine, We're on day five. I'm fine,

513
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:09,320
Speaker 2: I'm Laverene.

514
00:24:09,359 --> 00:24:11,760
Speaker 1: Guys, I can heal extremely fast, bruh.

515
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:15,359
Speaker 3: But men who would like to undergo vasectomies prior to

516
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:18,280
Speaker 3: age thirty to thirty five are much more likely to

517
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:21,240
Speaker 3: regret regret their decision than men who have had the

518
00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:22,760
Speaker 3: procedure done later in life.

519
00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:25,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, thirty thirty five is really young. Forever said to me,

520
00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:25,880
Speaker 2: I would.

521
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:26,960
Speaker 1: Think, No, it's thirty eight.

522
00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:29,720
Speaker 3: They don't encourage, they don't encourage. They don't to do

523
00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:33,440
Speaker 3: their tube tying early either. For that reason. Yeah, because

524
00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:34,159
Speaker 3: that's very final.

525
00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:35,800
Speaker 1: But I was thirty eight when I did it, Like,

526
00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:38,879
Speaker 1: I'm not that only three years out thirty thirty five.

527
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:41,800
Speaker 3: I mean, when you're taking the scope of men being create,

528
00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:44,879
Speaker 3: you're young. Yeah, you are young. Yeah, you're little whipper

529
00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:45,680
Speaker 3: snapperly at you.

530
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:48,720
Speaker 1: Yeah, little. I could be throwing babies everywhere, just like

531
00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:51,680
Speaker 1: Nick Cannon. I could baby here, baby hit hot here. Yeah,

532
00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:56,000
Speaker 1: just making kids, babies, babies, babies. I could be doing that,

533
00:24:56,160 --> 00:25:01,439
Speaker 1: get it. No, I'm not. I'm here my so no

534
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:04,720
Speaker 1: babies around the code of walking around chilling. He ain't

535
00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:07,200
Speaker 1: e a baby no more. The other three is in kids,

536
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:10,960
Speaker 1: they in school. I'm just here by myself. I can't

537
00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:12,280
Speaker 1: have babies everywhere back then, and.

538
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:14,520
Speaker 3: You know you sure as I don't want that ship

539
00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:16,600
Speaker 3: me and the valley counting down to where done talking

540
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,000
Speaker 3: so we can take a damn nap.

541
00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:24,400
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be so honest. It's not even that I

542
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:28,119
Speaker 1: can't have a baby. It's the idea that if I

543
00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:31,480
Speaker 1: wanted to, that I can't. If that makes sense.

544
00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:34,800
Speaker 2: And it makes total sense, I get it. I totally

545
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:36,800
Speaker 2: get it because I almost feel the same way too.

546
00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:39,600
Speaker 3: It's like I want to have another baby if I

547
00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:41,439
Speaker 3: wanted to, not I want to. If I wanted to

548
00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:43,960
Speaker 3: have another baby, I could, but I can't you.

549
00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:45,879
Speaker 2: Know what I'm saying. I get it. It's it's very,

550
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:46,800
Speaker 2: very parallel here.

551
00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:49,119
Speaker 1: So it's not really a regret in the fact that

552
00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:51,280
Speaker 1: I regret it because I want to have more kids.

553
00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:55,520
Speaker 1: It's just the idea that I can't really just eats

554
00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:57,520
Speaker 1: me up and there and I don't want to, like

555
00:25:57,560 --> 00:26:00,359
Speaker 1: I don't. It's almost like an athlete. It's like an

556
00:26:00,359 --> 00:26:04,560
Speaker 1: athlete who's accomplished everything in like Tom Brady, for example,

557
00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:08,480
Speaker 1: He's accomplished everything in football that you can accomplish. He's

558
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:10,560
Speaker 1: one of the most Super Bowls out of everybody's one

559
00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:13,439
Speaker 1: with two different teams. He's broken every passing record. But

560
00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:17,520
Speaker 1: he kept playing Why because he can? Right, It's not

561
00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:19,800
Speaker 1: like he needs to, there's no need for him to,

562
00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:22,160
Speaker 1: but he just kept playing because he can't. That's how

563
00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:25,439
Speaker 1: I kind of feel like. I think it's also my personality.

564
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,520
Speaker 1: I'm a conqueror. Like it doesn't matter how much money

565
00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:29,359
Speaker 1: I make. I want to make more money. It doesn't

566
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:34,000
Speaker 1: matter how Yeah, it is a control thing from you.

567
00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:37,200
Speaker 1: And the crazy part is, and I want to implore

568
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:41,000
Speaker 1: two more men and women who are making these decisions

569
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:45,520
Speaker 1: for each other, have a conversation with your husband or

570
00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:47,679
Speaker 1: your partner and ask him how he's going to feel

571
00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:50,200
Speaker 1: about not being able to before you run and jump

572
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:53,280
Speaker 1: into it. Because once you do this, I mean, there

573
00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:54,959
Speaker 1: are ways to reverse it, but once you do this,

574
00:26:55,000 --> 00:27:00,439
Speaker 1: it's like there's no going back. You know what I'm saying, Oh,

575
00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:02,719
Speaker 1: I changed my mind. Yeah, you know, and there's no

576
00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:04,440
Speaker 1: guarantee that if you do change your mind it can

577
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:08,040
Speaker 1: work out. Well. I'm saying that, like, as a man,

578
00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:11,840
Speaker 1: I didn't expect to feel this way. I have four beautiful,

579
00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:15,600
Speaker 1: healthy sons, Like, no, you can't really ask for anything

580
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:16,959
Speaker 1: more except if you like I want five, I want

581
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,399
Speaker 1: a whole basketball team. But you know what I'm saying,

582
00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:21,600
Speaker 1: I don't feel like I'm lacking in that part of

583
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:25,320
Speaker 1: my life. But it's like, as a man to walk

584
00:27:25,359 --> 00:27:27,320
Speaker 1: around and be like I could make more kids if

585
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:32,639
Speaker 1: I wanted to, but you can't. It's kind of like, damn,

586
00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:35,960
Speaker 1: let me go lift more weights, let me go run

587
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:36,360
Speaker 1: some more.

588
00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:39,840
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying, Like, Yeah, nope, I understand it.

589
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:42,080
Speaker 2: I get it. I completely get it. I just didn't know.

590
00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:45,480
Speaker 3: I never first saw this being a thought for you

591
00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:46,560
Speaker 3: because you were so.

592
00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:48,520
Speaker 2: Much like and I think it's in Part two.

593
00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:51,960
Speaker 3: It's a testament to the way you are always thinking

594
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:56,960
Speaker 3: about the best interest of me. Right, men, typically for

595
00:27:57,080 --> 00:27:59,920
Speaker 3: men like you, are willing to put aside the way

596
00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:03,679
Speaker 3: you feel because you know that it'll just be for

597
00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:07,080
Speaker 3: the betterment of me. So you really only did it

598
00:28:07,119 --> 00:28:09,400
Speaker 3: for the reason that I could not find another birth

599
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:11,560
Speaker 3: control method that was not going to be a detriment

600
00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:15,720
Speaker 3: to me. And we think about how much benefit we've

601
00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:19,840
Speaker 3: had since the physeectomy in terms of just our our marriage,

602
00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:22,560
Speaker 3: our sex life, our relationship, everything, my mood, like everything

603
00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:27,880
Speaker 3: is of yea. And here it's said a small number

604
00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:32,760
Speaker 3: of men can develop chronic scrotal pain after the procedure.

605
00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:35,760
Speaker 3: Thankfully you're not one of those people. Everything is functioning

606
00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:38,480
Speaker 3: the way he was concerned about the nut being watery.

607
00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:40,360
Speaker 3: I am here to let y'all know it does not

608
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:47,800
Speaker 3: compromise the texture or fluidity of the nut. Everything is

609
00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:50,680
Speaker 3: still copes that it yell, it's still doing what it's

610
00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:56,320
Speaker 3: supposed to do. But I just, I just I love

611
00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:59,040
Speaker 3: that you were so adamant about making sure that I

612
00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:02,720
Speaker 3: was going to be okay. And if I'm looking at

613
00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:05,200
Speaker 3: it from my perspective, and this is of course just

614
00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:08,560
Speaker 3: not even considering your argument right now, not argument, but

615
00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:10,880
Speaker 3: the way you feel right now. Just stepping away from that,

616
00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:13,640
Speaker 3: I can just see so many more benefits for you

617
00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:16,120
Speaker 3: and I after having the procedure.

618
00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:17,760
Speaker 2: So that's like a consolation for me.

619
00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:22,080
Speaker 3: I have moments where I'm like, damn, really do the

620
00:29:22,160 --> 00:29:23,880
Speaker 3: right thing by not because I'm not having a baby

621
00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:26,080
Speaker 3: for anybody else. So if I were to have another no,

622
00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:28,720
Speaker 3: you're not. Yeah, I mean it's just if I were

623
00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:29,920
Speaker 3: to have another baby.

624
00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:33,520
Speaker 1: If there's no you're not, you can just stop if

625
00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:35,320
Speaker 1: you need to say, if you're not having any more

626
00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:38,040
Speaker 1: babies and definitely not with anybody else. Of course I'll

627
00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:41,000
Speaker 1: shoot that directly into the camera, of course, not not

628
00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:43,160
Speaker 1: after I cut these nuts up. You did you just

629
00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:45,000
Speaker 1: go out and have a baby for somebody else about

630
00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:50,440
Speaker 1: to cut these nuts up? Hell? No, Like this is

631
00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:52,040
Speaker 1: the This is the best part about it too, because

632
00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:55,040
Speaker 1: we all the men talked about it, right, all of

633
00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:59,400
Speaker 1: our sex lives have been exponentially better. We've all said,

634
00:29:59,440 --> 00:30:02,640
Speaker 1: the one thing that has been inconsistent is that our

635
00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:07,360
Speaker 1: wives are now more free because there's no fear of

636
00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:08,120
Speaker 1: getting pregnant.

637
00:30:09,440 --> 00:30:12,800
Speaker 2: They it's a win for y'all like, yeah.

638
00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:15,080
Speaker 1: But we're saying that we appreciate that and we love

639
00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:17,760
Speaker 1: that for ourselves and our nuts, right, But what we're

640
00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:21,760
Speaker 1: also saying is that doesn't change the fact that you

641
00:30:21,840 --> 00:30:25,560
Speaker 1: still have that feeling. So so so, for example, if

642
00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:28,960
Speaker 1: your husband does have that feeling and everything could be great.

643
00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:31,320
Speaker 1: I say this so that women don't think like damn,

644
00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:34,440
Speaker 1: like you know, like he's going to have regret and

645
00:30:34,480 --> 00:30:36,200
Speaker 1: he's going to be upset and he's going to be

646
00:30:36,240 --> 00:30:39,680
Speaker 1: a downward spiral. And no, we all had this discussion.

647
00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:41,880
Speaker 1: But at least when we had the discussion, we got

648
00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:43,640
Speaker 1: it out. We were able to say, oh, so you

649
00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:46,120
Speaker 1: have the same feeling I feel, so that's something that's

650
00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:50,280
Speaker 1: not that's not rare, that's something that actually happens. But

651
00:30:50,320 --> 00:30:52,400
Speaker 1: then we all still were talking about the fact that, oh, yeah,

652
00:30:52,440 --> 00:30:56,160
Speaker 1: well sex is great. Wife isn't worried about anything. Wife

653
00:30:56,200 --> 00:30:59,440
Speaker 1: is more willing to engage in a free manner because

654
00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:01,720
Speaker 1: she's not like but wait, but wait, what about you

655
00:31:01,760 --> 00:31:06,840
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. They all have agreed that their

656
00:31:06,920 --> 00:31:10,880
Speaker 1: masculinity hasn't changed like some people. They all said they

657
00:31:10,880 --> 00:31:13,200
Speaker 1: had the same concerns, like it isn't my testosterone going

658
00:31:13,240 --> 00:31:14,360
Speaker 1: to drop because.

659
00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:14,520
Speaker 4: I do this.

660
00:31:15,360 --> 00:31:17,000
Speaker 1: So they were all saying, they worded about the same thing.

661
00:31:17,040 --> 00:31:19,800
Speaker 1: They all it was just like, nas, everything has been better,

662
00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:23,160
Speaker 1: it's been good. But they said they had the same

663
00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:26,640
Speaker 1: feeling like it was just like, damn, I just can't

664
00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:29,000
Speaker 1: go in there and get somebody pregnant, like that's a

665
00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:34,240
Speaker 1: that's an I can get shorty.

666
00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:37,880
Speaker 2: Pregnant because that feels like you know, but it's.

667
00:31:37,720 --> 00:31:41,120
Speaker 1: That power too. And there's another thing. We always revere

668
00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:46,560
Speaker 1: women and give women that God, that God, that God

669
00:31:46,680 --> 00:31:50,120
Speaker 1: feeling of You are the vessel of life. You create

670
00:31:50,240 --> 00:31:53,160
Speaker 1: life and you, you know, you grow life. But it's

671
00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:57,680
Speaker 1: not possible without a man as well. And I feel

672
00:31:57,680 --> 00:31:59,560
Speaker 1: like for so many years we've kind of downplayed the

673
00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:03,920
Speaker 1: role of a man in making life, you know, and

674
00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:08,440
Speaker 1: making a life doesn't start and end with conception and delivery.

675
00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:13,240
Speaker 1: Like I take pride in developing and making my children

676
00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:17,160
Speaker 1: great people, so it's not only about the act of

677
00:32:17,240 --> 00:32:20,440
Speaker 1: having sex and having a baby come out. I think

678
00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:23,680
Speaker 1: the thing with Dakota was, Wow, I've literally watched the

679
00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:27,280
Speaker 1: last person that I'm training to be a better man,

680
00:32:27,400 --> 00:32:31,760
Speaker 1: I'm watching them become that. And then after this there's

681
00:32:31,840 --> 00:32:35,080
Speaker 1: no more fear sit here. And you know, like for Dakota,

682
00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:38,000
Speaker 1: every time he goes through a stepping stone, that's the

683
00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:40,200
Speaker 1: last person I go through that stepping You.

684
00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:41,320
Speaker 2: Don't know that recently.

685
00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:43,400
Speaker 3: And remember I just told you about the stat it

686
00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:46,120
Speaker 3: said like, by the time your kids reach twelve, you

687
00:32:46,120 --> 00:32:49,320
Speaker 3: will have spent like whatever percentage with them.

688
00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:50,760
Speaker 2: And I just was like, oh my god.

689
00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:53,560
Speaker 1: But but I did look up that stat too, right,

690
00:32:54,440 --> 00:32:59,400
Speaker 1: that stat is not considering how technology has changed how

691
00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:03,160
Speaker 1: parents are choosing to spend time with their kids. For example,

692
00:33:04,200 --> 00:33:08,280
Speaker 1: that's that was created and designed based on parents working

693
00:33:08,400 --> 00:33:12,080
Speaker 1: nine to five, sending their kids to school and spending

694
00:33:12,120 --> 00:33:14,520
Speaker 1: eight hours a day, sometimes nine to ten in the

695
00:33:14,560 --> 00:33:18,880
Speaker 1: workplace away from their family, coming home and spending hours

696
00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:23,160
Speaker 1: with their kids. Yeah, so when you have people now

697
00:33:23,200 --> 00:33:25,520
Speaker 1: who are working more from home. Technology has made it

698
00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:28,480
Speaker 1: to where you have remote learning, parents are spending way

699
00:33:28,520 --> 00:33:31,680
Speaker 1: more time with their children than they were in previous generations.

700
00:33:32,040 --> 00:33:33,200
Speaker 2: That makes you feel a little bit better.

701
00:33:33,280 --> 00:33:37,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, research that he was about to about, I was like.

702
00:33:38,600 --> 00:33:42,200
Speaker 2: We've finished seventy five percent of Jackson's life with us.

703
00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:42,959
Speaker 1: What are we going to do?

704
00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:45,640
Speaker 3: But I say that to say, I see Jackson hitting

705
00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:47,360
Speaker 3: his milestones as as.

706
00:33:47,240 --> 00:33:48,600
Speaker 1: Our first yeah.

707
00:33:48,680 --> 00:33:50,880
Speaker 3: And then I have moments from I'm just like, oh

708
00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:52,640
Speaker 3: my god, I miss Jackson as a baby. So now

709
00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:54,920
Speaker 3: I look over and then there's his twin, Dakota, pretty

710
00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:56,520
Speaker 3: much over there. So I'm like, okay, I can still

711
00:33:56,560 --> 00:33:58,800
Speaker 3: get some baby ness, you know. And then I'm like,

712
00:33:58,960 --> 00:34:01,479
Speaker 3: this is the last bit of baby ness that, like,

713
00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:03,320
Speaker 3: Dakota would have still been our bed if you left

714
00:34:03,360 --> 00:34:04,880
Speaker 3: it in our bed, if you left it up to me,

715
00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:07,280
Speaker 3: because I'm like, he's the last baby, this is the

716
00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:08,719
Speaker 3: last kid that we're gonna have in our bed. Like

717
00:34:08,719 --> 00:34:11,280
Speaker 3: why are we rushing him out of the bed because

718
00:34:11,280 --> 00:34:12,840
Speaker 3: we won't have any more kids in the bed. And

719
00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:14,640
Speaker 3: I'm like, oh my god, now we just got to

720
00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:17,640
Speaker 3: rely on nieces and nephews to come along.

721
00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:23,359
Speaker 1: No, I ain't worried about them niggas being in my bed, not.

722
00:34:23,400 --> 00:34:25,440
Speaker 3: In our bed, but I'm just like, you know, when

723
00:34:25,480 --> 00:34:27,960
Speaker 3: you know that you're done, Like I've seen women at

724
00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:30,200
Speaker 3: other phases who are older than me like, oh my god,

725
00:34:30,200 --> 00:34:31,839
Speaker 3: I just want to come hug your baby and give

726
00:34:31,880 --> 00:34:34,520
Speaker 3: him back because I don't have that anymore. I'm done

727
00:34:34,560 --> 00:34:36,239
Speaker 3: having children, and it's just so sweet to have a

728
00:34:36,280 --> 00:34:38,879
Speaker 3: baby again. You know everybody loves that new baby ness,

729
00:34:39,239 --> 00:34:41,560
Speaker 3: so admitt it. You love the new baby ness. You

730
00:34:41,640 --> 00:34:42,640
Speaker 3: love those phases too.

731
00:34:44,200 --> 00:34:45,960
Speaker 1: You want me to admit it. You want me to

732
00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:48,200
Speaker 1: tell the truth. You want truth. They want me to

733
00:34:48,239 --> 00:34:48,560
Speaker 1: admit it.

734
00:34:48,719 --> 00:34:51,120
Speaker 3: You don't like I think about when Coder was first born,

735
00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:53,200
Speaker 3: right here in our bathroom and he came out, and

736
00:34:53,239 --> 00:34:55,000
Speaker 3: then it's just like the snuggles on daddy's chest.

737
00:34:55,040 --> 00:34:57,160
Speaker 2: You don't miss those little moments.

738
00:34:57,640 --> 00:35:01,480
Speaker 1: No, no, if I'm being honest, like I love I've

739
00:35:01,520 --> 00:35:04,839
Speaker 1: loved watching him come out. He smelled good coming out,

740
00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:08,560
Speaker 1: but he didn't do nothing. He was a big blob

741
00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:12,920
Speaker 1: of nothing. He screamed and pooped and slept like there

742
00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:14,399
Speaker 1: was no interaction. There was no.

743
00:35:14,440 --> 00:35:18,719
Speaker 2: Engagement, cuddling, the cuddling, that like snuggling, that the littleness.

744
00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:21,959
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, I don't like. I didn't engage that much

745
00:35:22,040 --> 00:35:24,080
Speaker 1: and that that wasn't my fa That's not my phase.

746
00:35:24,120 --> 00:35:28,760
Speaker 1: That's my phase. My phase is him now now like

747
00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:34,000
Speaker 1: like from now, like him, Cairo, Kaz Jackson, they're all

748
00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:37,160
Speaker 1: at different phases. Even Kaz and Cairo are different phases

749
00:35:37,160 --> 00:35:41,080
Speaker 1: because they're a year in three months apart. But you

750
00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:42,960
Speaker 1: ask me all the time, like, do you have a

751
00:35:42,960 --> 00:35:47,000
Speaker 1: favorite in this moment? And gona be honest, man, whichever

752
00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:48,520
Speaker 1: one of those kids is in front of me in

753
00:35:48,560 --> 00:35:51,440
Speaker 1: that moment, because there are so many different phases, Yeah,

754
00:35:51,480 --> 00:35:54,239
Speaker 1: that's my favorite kid. Like with Jackson, Jackson is in

755
00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:57,920
Speaker 1: the discovery of manhood phase. He's you know, adolescent, He's

756
00:35:57,920 --> 00:36:00,480
Speaker 1: starting to go through puberty. He's discovering what he is.

757
00:36:00,520 --> 00:36:03,480
Speaker 1: His voice is changing, he's asking questions. I'm seeing him

758
00:36:03,520 --> 00:36:05,960
Speaker 1: look at his fears and go after it, and I'm like,

759
00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:08,600
Speaker 1: I love that phase from I love spending time with Jackson.

760
00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:11,960
Speaker 1: Then it's Cairo. He's chasing everything Jackson is doing. Me

761
00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:14,239
Speaker 1: and him spent time yesterday because Jackson went to a

762
00:36:14,239 --> 00:36:17,000
Speaker 1: football game, Kaz was out with you and Dakota was sleep.

763
00:36:17,320 --> 00:36:19,560
Speaker 1: So me and him are working on his basketball handles

764
00:36:19,600 --> 00:36:21,440
Speaker 1: and his drills and stuff, and he's talking to me

765
00:36:21,480 --> 00:36:23,160
Speaker 1: about what he wants to do in life, and I'm like,

766
00:36:23,640 --> 00:36:26,839
Speaker 1: he's at that age where he's starting to understand that,

767
00:36:27,120 --> 00:36:30,080
Speaker 1: you know, he has control over what he wants to do.

768
00:36:30,400 --> 00:36:32,920
Speaker 1: He's six, you know, like he's starting to realize that

769
00:36:33,239 --> 00:36:36,040
Speaker 1: Kaz is five. He's in the my dad is my

770
00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:38,560
Speaker 1: hero phase. Every time he sees me, he hugs me,

771
00:36:38,600 --> 00:36:40,840
Speaker 1: he jumps in my arms, and you know, he just

772
00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:42,560
Speaker 1: wants to spend time with me, and he wants to

773
00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:46,080
Speaker 1: emulate what I want to do. You know, Coda is

774
00:36:46,360 --> 00:36:49,920
Speaker 1: in this wait a minute, I can move around and

775
00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:52,480
Speaker 1: run around and do this stuff phase, and I know

776
00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:54,880
Speaker 1: how to use this laptop and I can do all

777
00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:58,040
Speaker 1: of this stuff phase and I still smile, and I'm

778
00:36:58,080 --> 00:37:00,720
Speaker 1: watching him go through a different phase. The only problem

779
00:37:00,840 --> 00:37:02,640
Speaker 1: is this is why Dakota is the trigger for me.

780
00:37:03,840 --> 00:37:06,080
Speaker 1: When he does something, it shows that he no longer

781
00:37:06,160 --> 00:37:09,680
Speaker 1: needs me to do something. Yeah, Like he went to

782
00:37:09,719 --> 00:37:11,319
Speaker 1: the fridge. I was in the fridge the other day.

783
00:37:11,360 --> 00:37:13,600
Speaker 1: He brought his cup over to me. He was just

784
00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:16,960
Speaker 1: pointing at the thing. And then I went and I

785
00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:18,799
Speaker 1: put some orange juice. I put water in it, and

786
00:37:18,840 --> 00:37:21,880
Speaker 1: I gave him the cutback and he just ran the

787
00:37:21,960 --> 00:37:25,400
Speaker 1: other direction. And I'm like, Wow, he doesn't need me

788
00:37:25,440 --> 00:37:27,279
Speaker 1: to help him drinking anymore. He don't want me to

789
00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:30,360
Speaker 1: hold them in. No, He's just gone. And I'm like wow,

790
00:37:31,400 --> 00:37:33,600
Speaker 1: Like that's going to be the last time that I

791
00:37:33,719 --> 00:37:37,920
Speaker 1: you know, like those things are really what hit me,

792
00:37:38,360 --> 00:37:42,759
Speaker 1: you know, like, yeah, no, I got you. If there's

793
00:37:42,800 --> 00:37:47,880
Speaker 1: any consolation prize, my wife has been doing an amazing

794
00:37:48,040 --> 00:37:52,720
Speaker 1: job of making sure that these moments we have without

795
00:37:52,719 --> 00:37:55,120
Speaker 1: the kids are like special for us. You know what

796
00:37:55,160 --> 00:37:57,840
Speaker 1: I'm saying. You've done an amazing job with that, and

797
00:37:57,880 --> 00:38:01,439
Speaker 1: I know it's make it been very easy on you.

798
00:38:01,640 --> 00:38:03,320
Speaker 1: Now that you don't have all the hormones and stuff

799
00:38:03,320 --> 00:38:05,719
Speaker 1: going through your body, it seems like you're you're you

800
00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:06,400
Speaker 1: feel free.

801
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:08,840
Speaker 2: I feel like I am who I'm really.

802
00:38:08,719 --> 00:38:09,360
Speaker 1: Supposed to be.

803
00:38:09,680 --> 00:38:13,920
Speaker 3: Yeah, whoever Kadeen was over the past, maybe like at

804
00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:17,120
Speaker 3: least fifteen years. You think about your like being on

805
00:38:17,200 --> 00:38:21,200
Speaker 3: birth control and children and back to back children and

806
00:38:21,640 --> 00:38:24,600
Speaker 3: trying to cut back after children, and it's just everything,

807
00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:27,160
Speaker 3: even just physically the way my body is coming back

808
00:38:27,200 --> 00:38:29,560
Speaker 3: down to size. It's like I'm finally out of the

809
00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:33,480
Speaker 3: woods of you know, the postpartum phase for more or less.

810
00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:37,240
Speaker 1: Jo I never thought about that either, how your body

811
00:38:37,280 --> 00:38:41,040
Speaker 1: has changed. Think about it. Those hormones and all the

812
00:38:41,040 --> 00:38:42,839
Speaker 1: stuff you put in your body for birth control also

813
00:38:42,920 --> 00:38:46,279
Speaker 1: affect weight scuation. Like I keep we keep saying, like

814
00:38:46,320 --> 00:38:49,000
Speaker 1: what is so different, And it's like this is the

815
00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:54,040
Speaker 1: first time in your life since two thousand, almost like

816
00:38:54,040 --> 00:38:56,759
Speaker 1: a teenager that you're not on some type of birth

817
00:38:56,800 --> 00:39:00,759
Speaker 1: control or pregnant. Yep, Yeah, it was crazy how your

818
00:39:00,760 --> 00:39:02,640
Speaker 1: body's also responded. I didn't even think about it.

819
00:39:02,640 --> 00:39:05,120
Speaker 3: I almost feel like I'm reversing now, like I'm reversing

820
00:39:05,160 --> 00:39:09,160
Speaker 3: back to not to say that I feel like I'm

821
00:39:09,200 --> 00:39:11,080
Speaker 3: getting I guess I feel like I'm more youthful right,

822
00:39:11,120 --> 00:39:12,279
Speaker 3: I'm feeling like I'm getting younger again.

823
00:39:12,280 --> 00:39:13,839
Speaker 2: I'm moving around more.

824
00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:17,239
Speaker 3: I'm I'm you know, weight training and working out, you know,

825
00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:21,600
Speaker 3: with more energy now. And it's also I'm sure it's collaborative.

826
00:39:21,640 --> 00:39:23,200
Speaker 3: It's not just that, but it's also you know, of

827
00:39:23,200 --> 00:39:24,880
Speaker 3: course watching what I eat and stuff that. But I'm

828
00:39:24,920 --> 00:39:29,680
Speaker 3: talking about my mood, my mental energy level, just how

829
00:39:29,719 --> 00:39:32,520
Speaker 3: I feel about how I wake up and I feel

830
00:39:32,520 --> 00:39:34,160
Speaker 3: like I approached the day.

831
00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:35,760
Speaker 2: It's just so different.

832
00:39:36,480 --> 00:39:39,160
Speaker 3: It's just so different, and you can you can see

833
00:39:39,200 --> 00:39:41,880
Speaker 3: the vast difference in it because once you had the visectomy.

834
00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:44,480
Speaker 3: I did get on the mini pill for four or

835
00:39:44,520 --> 00:39:48,200
Speaker 3: five months just to protect myself in the interim.

836
00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:50,120
Speaker 1: And think about how your weight fluctuated, how much weight

837
00:39:50,120 --> 00:39:51,600
Speaker 1: you gain from.

838
00:39:51,320 --> 00:39:56,359
Speaker 3: From October to December December. Yeah, I was, Yeah, I

839
00:39:56,400 --> 00:39:59,080
Speaker 3: was coming down. Then I regained weight, I had.

840
00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:03,080
Speaker 2: Back actne, face acne, and.

841
00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:04,799
Speaker 3: Then when I went to get a facial in February

842
00:40:04,840 --> 00:40:07,919
Speaker 3: for the live shows and the book tour, that's when

843
00:40:08,200 --> 00:40:12,239
Speaker 3: my aesthetition out in New Jersey. Maymie's was like, yeah,

844
00:40:12,280 --> 00:40:14,160
Speaker 3: it's gonna take about three four months for this to

845
00:40:14,160 --> 00:40:15,040
Speaker 3: get out of your system.

846
00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:16,760
Speaker 1: And you got off the pill in December.

847
00:40:16,400 --> 00:40:20,920
Speaker 3: Right, Yeah, in December, so that means it was January, February, March, April, May.

848
00:40:20,920 --> 00:40:23,319
Speaker 3: So I'm five months out and I'm now starting to

849
00:40:23,400 --> 00:40:25,520
Speaker 3: see it, like I still get a couple like now

850
00:40:25,560 --> 00:40:27,279
Speaker 3: I have a couple of breakouts here and there. My

851
00:40:27,320 --> 00:40:30,720
Speaker 3: back is still coming into but yeah, it just tears

852
00:40:30,760 --> 00:40:31,160
Speaker 3: your ass.

853
00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:34,080
Speaker 1: But it is crazy though that you are finally like

854
00:40:34,120 --> 00:40:37,239
Speaker 1: your body is now finally doing what it was made

855
00:40:37,320 --> 00:40:41,520
Speaker 1: to do. M you don't any hormones, you any ring.

856
00:40:41,800 --> 00:40:43,719
Speaker 2: I feel the most natural I was when I was

857
00:40:43,719 --> 00:40:44,360
Speaker 2: when I was pregnant.

858
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:46,920
Speaker 3: Pregnant, yeah, because I wasn't on any kind of birth control,

859
00:40:47,040 --> 00:40:48,879
Speaker 3: no kind of stive.

860
00:40:49,920 --> 00:40:53,080
Speaker 1: Of every pregnancy, the best was the best. And when

861
00:40:53,120 --> 00:40:55,560
Speaker 1: you look at when you look at where we were

862
00:40:55,800 --> 00:40:58,279
Speaker 1: in our lives. During those times, we were always in

863
00:40:58,320 --> 00:41:03,480
Speaker 1: our best move. You weren't on any pills, you out

864
00:41:03,480 --> 00:41:07,279
Speaker 1: of morning sickness, but you weren't big enough yet to

865
00:41:07,440 --> 00:41:09,800
Speaker 1: know for people to know that you were actually.

866
00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:13,359
Speaker 2: Pregnant, and where I was like, yeah, like okay, let's

867
00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:14,480
Speaker 2: get this baby out of me. Yeah.

868
00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:17,399
Speaker 3: But then even going into pregnancy, not having any kind

869
00:41:17,440 --> 00:41:20,760
Speaker 3: of interventions, having the last two or three actually naturally,

870
00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:24,360
Speaker 3: like my body just bounced back. But then once I

871
00:41:24,360 --> 00:41:30,760
Speaker 3: put the IUD back in after these kids, that's when everything. Yeah, yeah, babe,

872
00:41:30,760 --> 00:41:32,400
Speaker 3: I'm so happy you told me this though, so at

873
00:41:32,480 --> 00:41:34,520
Speaker 3: least I know it's a thing, because I didn't know

874
00:41:34,520 --> 00:41:35,000
Speaker 3: this was a thing.

875
00:41:35,040 --> 00:41:38,280
Speaker 2: This was actually a very surprise episode for me because.

876
00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:40,399
Speaker 1: Yeah, we can explore and yeah, and.

877
00:41:40,320 --> 00:41:43,120
Speaker 3: At least I know to be able to now touch

878
00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:45,080
Speaker 3: base with you, because before what was the issue that

879
00:41:45,120 --> 00:41:47,359
Speaker 3: we'd have. You'd be feeling some kind of way about

880
00:41:47,360 --> 00:41:50,000
Speaker 3: something and just not saying it or be dealing with

881
00:41:50,040 --> 00:41:52,840
Speaker 3: it on your own and then lashing out because you

882
00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:55,279
Speaker 3: expected me to understand, And I'm like, bro, I didn't

883
00:41:55,280 --> 00:41:56,320
Speaker 3: even know this was happening.

884
00:41:56,640 --> 00:41:59,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, so I do. I did kind of want to

885
00:41:59,360 --> 00:41:59,759
Speaker 1: talk about it.

886
00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:02,760
Speaker 3: Because I was and to us and to y'all about

887
00:42:02,800 --> 00:42:05,439
Speaker 3: how you've been feeling about it, because I'm sure you're

888
00:42:05,480 --> 00:42:07,200
Speaker 3: not the only man that felt Now.

889
00:42:07,160 --> 00:42:08,800
Speaker 1: I have to speaking to a couple of other dudes.

890
00:42:09,160 --> 00:42:10,680
Speaker 1: Then I was just like, damn, this is something I

891
00:42:10,680 --> 00:42:12,520
Speaker 1: got to talk on the podcast because if these women

892
00:42:12,600 --> 00:42:14,759
Speaker 1: are because we've already talked about having the vaseected me

893
00:42:15,160 --> 00:42:17,359
Speaker 1: and how great we felt about it, if there are

894
00:42:17,400 --> 00:42:19,759
Speaker 1: men who are getting of aseected me based on oh,

895
00:42:19,760 --> 00:42:21,600
Speaker 1: this is the response that they've had, I want them

896
00:42:21,600 --> 00:42:23,040
Speaker 1: to at least hear this and be like, oh, so

897
00:42:23,120 --> 00:42:25,040
Speaker 1: if I feel this way is normal, it's normal.

898
00:42:25,160 --> 00:42:26,799
Speaker 3: I don't feel like you're not going to be looking

899
00:42:26,800 --> 00:42:29,560
Speaker 3: at your wife mad now because to be like maybe

900
00:42:30,120 --> 00:42:30,759
Speaker 3: protected me and.

901
00:42:30,680 --> 00:42:32,879
Speaker 1: Out look fun thing is I never I never got

902
00:42:32,920 --> 00:42:37,279
Speaker 1: to that point. It was never you made me. I

903
00:42:37,320 --> 00:42:38,720
Speaker 1: never felt like you made me.

904
00:42:39,680 --> 00:42:42,560
Speaker 2: Essentially, I didn't. I can't make you do anything, right.

905
00:42:43,280 --> 00:42:45,279
Speaker 3: I think it was collective and I'm not that type

906
00:42:45,280 --> 00:42:47,000
Speaker 3: of guy anyway that's just going to do something.

907
00:42:47,320 --> 00:42:51,319
Speaker 1: Yeah, if anything, I made the decision for us. I

908
00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:53,520
Speaker 1: was like, enough with this, I'm gonna go do this.

909
00:42:54,280 --> 00:42:56,640
Speaker 1: But you did make the appointment find a doctor and

910
00:42:56,719 --> 00:42:58,360
Speaker 1: drive me. They're like, yo, they gonna go get this

911
00:42:58,400 --> 00:42:59,520
Speaker 1: ship done that part.

912
00:42:59,680 --> 00:43:02,040
Speaker 3: But but what was the straw because we even delayed

913
00:43:02,040 --> 00:43:03,520
Speaker 3: that a bit too, because last year I had made

914
00:43:03,520 --> 00:43:05,560
Speaker 3: the appointment and you know, you didn't make the appointment.

915
00:43:05,560 --> 00:43:07,240
Speaker 2: I think we made it for like February or March.

916
00:43:07,520 --> 00:43:09,360
Speaker 3: I remember the woman called you to see if you

917
00:43:09,400 --> 00:43:11,400
Speaker 3: were still coming in for the appointment and she and

918
00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:13,160
Speaker 3: he said, you said, my wife made the appointment.

919
00:43:13,160 --> 00:43:14,440
Speaker 2: And she's like, oh yeah. We got a lot of

920
00:43:14,520 --> 00:43:17,680
Speaker 2: wives that call in here show up for their appointment.

921
00:43:17,760 --> 00:43:20,839
Speaker 3: So it was commonplace for the doctor's office to see

922
00:43:20,840 --> 00:43:23,239
Speaker 3: men not show up. But then this next time around,

923
00:43:23,280 --> 00:43:24,279
Speaker 3: what did it for me is when I went to

924
00:43:24,280 --> 00:43:25,319
Speaker 3: get my blood work done.

925
00:43:25,600 --> 00:43:26,200
Speaker 2: Remember when I.

926
00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:28,840
Speaker 3: Had to do my physical and it came back that

927
00:43:28,880 --> 00:43:33,160
Speaker 3: my hemoglobin was low and I knew it was period

928
00:43:33,280 --> 00:43:35,799
Speaker 3: the heavy periods on the on the paraguard I d

929
00:43:36,440 --> 00:43:38,160
Speaker 3: And at that point I was like, oh, so now

930
00:43:38,200 --> 00:43:41,360
Speaker 3: it's about to be anemic because I'm bleeding like profusely

931
00:43:41,400 --> 00:43:43,920
Speaker 3: every three weeks, like this is crazy for ten days

932
00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:46,200
Speaker 3: and that's really I think that's.

933
00:43:46,000 --> 00:43:49,080
Speaker 1: Really what it is. That's really what did yea I have?

934
00:43:49,160 --> 00:43:50,840
Speaker 1: I have a moment of truth too, so I'm almost

935
00:43:50,840 --> 00:43:51,200
Speaker 1: save it.

936
00:43:51,120 --> 00:43:52,680
Speaker 2: To me, all right, save it to the end.

937
00:43:52,680 --> 00:43:54,759
Speaker 3: We're gonna pay some bills and we are going to

938
00:43:54,800 --> 00:43:56,520
Speaker 3: come back and tell us no letters.

939
00:43:56,320 --> 00:43:57,360
Speaker 2: So stick around me out.

940
00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:09,240
Speaker 1: All right, we're back.

941
00:44:09,920 --> 00:44:11,399
Speaker 2: You want to read the first one, baby, I read

942
00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:12,359
Speaker 2: the first one. Go for it.

943
00:44:12,440 --> 00:44:15,720
Speaker 1: We got listener letters for you guys. Hey, Davali Kadeen

944
00:44:15,840 --> 00:44:18,799
Speaker 1: recently found your podcast and I absolutely love it. Thank you,

945
00:44:18,880 --> 00:44:21,080
Speaker 1: We love you too. I've quickly become a fan and

946
00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:24,759
Speaker 1: enjoy each episode. I've joined the Patreon family as well,

947
00:44:24,800 --> 00:44:27,719
Speaker 1: and I can't wait until you all do your next

948
00:44:27,719 --> 00:44:29,480
Speaker 1: set of live shows so I can see you all

949
00:44:29,520 --> 00:44:30,879
Speaker 1: in person. Can wait?

950
00:44:31,160 --> 00:44:34,280
Speaker 2: Man next February, y'all. Marsha Calendar currently.

951
00:44:33,880 --> 00:44:36,840
Speaker 1: In a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of seventeen months.

952
00:44:36,840 --> 00:44:40,600
Speaker 1: That's almost sounds exactly identical to the last one. I'm

953
00:44:40,640 --> 00:44:42,359
Speaker 1: twenty eight and he is twenty nine, and they were

954
00:44:42,400 --> 00:44:45,120
Speaker 1: also twenty eight and twenty nine. We are in love

955
00:44:45,160 --> 00:44:46,560
Speaker 1: and I plan to spend the rest of my life

956
00:44:46,560 --> 00:44:48,800
Speaker 1: with him. He is always thinking of others before himself

957
00:44:48,800 --> 00:44:52,439
Speaker 1: and putting their needs above his own, including mine, being

958
00:44:52,480 --> 00:44:54,759
Speaker 1: selfless and sacrificial comes natural to him and one of

959
00:44:54,800 --> 00:44:58,080
Speaker 1: the most endearing qualities. He inspires me to be more

960
00:44:58,120 --> 00:45:01,160
Speaker 1: selfless every day. Man is in the military and has

961
00:45:01,200 --> 00:45:03,319
Speaker 1: been on his own since he was eighteen. For over

962
00:45:03,320 --> 00:45:05,360
Speaker 1: a decade, he's been having to take care of himself

963
00:45:05,400 --> 00:45:08,840
Speaker 1: everything himself. His main love language is acts of service,

964
00:45:08,920 --> 00:45:11,040
Speaker 1: so being of service to him and making his life

965
00:45:11,120 --> 00:45:14,399
Speaker 1: easier is how he feels most appreciated. It allows him

966
00:45:14,400 --> 00:45:16,880
Speaker 1: to feel love, seen and heard. He also doesn't communicate

967
00:45:16,920 --> 00:45:19,920
Speaker 1: his needs, wants, and desires often as he feels he

968
00:45:19,960 --> 00:45:22,239
Speaker 1: won't be heard by others and will be let down.

969
00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:25,279
Speaker 1: I don't know what that feels like. And when he

970
00:45:25,360 --> 00:45:27,360
Speaker 1: does share his needs and wants, he would like to

971
00:45:27,400 --> 00:45:30,080
Speaker 1: see an immediate change in actions rather than excuses and

972
00:45:30,120 --> 00:45:34,399
Speaker 1: apologies facts. As we've continued to learn more about how

973
00:45:34,400 --> 00:45:36,200
Speaker 1: to love one another, I'm doing my best to create

974
00:45:36,239 --> 00:45:39,200
Speaker 1: a safe space, a safe place for him to be vulnerable.

975
00:45:40,200 --> 00:45:41,799
Speaker 1: I want him to know that I have his back.

976
00:45:42,200 --> 00:45:44,120
Speaker 1: I have his best interests at heart and want to

977
00:45:44,120 --> 00:45:46,360
Speaker 1: see him chase all his dreams. I want to be

978
00:45:46,400 --> 00:45:49,840
Speaker 1: as cheerleader throughout life. With us living in two different cities,

979
00:45:49,840 --> 00:45:52,120
Speaker 1: he doesn't always see how I could be helpful to

980
00:45:52,200 --> 00:45:54,000
Speaker 1: him and assist in making his life easier on a

981
00:45:54,080 --> 00:45:56,840
Speaker 1: daily basis. My question is, how can I be of

982
00:45:56,880 --> 00:46:00,000
Speaker 1: service to my boyfriend while being in a long distance relationship.

983
00:46:00,120 --> 00:46:02,160
Speaker 1: How can I put him first and create a safe

984
00:46:02,160 --> 00:46:05,080
Speaker 1: space for him to be vulnerable and share his needs

985
00:46:05,280 --> 00:46:06,960
Speaker 1: with me while living in a different city.

986
00:46:07,600 --> 00:46:12,319
Speaker 3: Hmmm interesting and jaow I thought that sound like Val wrote,

987
00:46:12,600 --> 00:46:13,439
Speaker 3: she's riding about Deva.

988
00:46:14,440 --> 00:46:16,840
Speaker 1: This is very simple. This is actually very simple I

989
00:46:16,840 --> 00:46:18,279
Speaker 1: could tell. I could tell her how to do it.

990
00:46:18,719 --> 00:46:20,160
Speaker 2: Okay, so tell her, because this is you.

991
00:46:20,600 --> 00:46:24,360
Speaker 1: Stop asking us how to do it. Ask him, and

992
00:46:24,400 --> 00:46:27,000
Speaker 1: when he tells you what he needs and requires, do it.

993
00:46:27,520 --> 00:46:30,480
Speaker 1: Don't do it on your time. Don't do you way

994
00:46:30,680 --> 00:46:32,960
Speaker 1: about to say, don't do what your flavoring sauce on it.

995
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:36,239
Speaker 3: Do what he asked literally, because Deval would literally be

996
00:46:36,280 --> 00:46:38,080
Speaker 3: saying to me certain things that he wanted, and I'd

997
00:46:38,080 --> 00:46:39,160
Speaker 3: be like, oh, well, it'll be cute if I do

998
00:46:39,160 --> 00:46:41,600
Speaker 3: it this way, or I'll word this because this would

999
00:46:41,640 --> 00:46:43,120
Speaker 3: be cute, and Deval was just like, I didn't ask

1000
00:46:43,160 --> 00:46:43,440
Speaker 3: you for that.

1001
00:46:44,280 --> 00:46:47,240
Speaker 2: Y'all heard the story about the White Savage.

1002
00:46:48,760 --> 00:46:53,400
Speaker 3: It was a bomb ass lezardy fire and not what

1003
00:46:53,440 --> 00:46:55,799
Speaker 3: I asked so pissed because he said, I did not

1004
00:46:55,880 --> 00:46:59,200
Speaker 3: ask for It's not what you're to it's not So

1005
00:46:59,520 --> 00:47:00,080
Speaker 3: don't try.

1006
00:46:59,920 --> 00:47:01,120
Speaker 2: To reinvent the wheel citys.

1007
00:47:01,120 --> 00:47:03,200
Speaker 3: If you have someone that is going to tell you

1008
00:47:03,239 --> 00:47:05,480
Speaker 3: what they want, well, I don't know if he is

1009
00:47:05,480 --> 00:47:06,080
Speaker 3: he being vocal.

1010
00:47:06,080 --> 00:47:07,359
Speaker 2: Did you say she's being vocal about well?

1011
00:47:07,360 --> 00:47:09,279
Speaker 1: Well, she said. She said that he doesn't like to

1012
00:47:09,360 --> 00:47:11,960
Speaker 1: share his needs and feelings and wants because he's often

1013
00:47:12,040 --> 00:47:14,480
Speaker 1: let down, yes, and he doesn't want to be disappointed,

1014
00:47:14,680 --> 00:47:16,400
Speaker 1: so he just deals. I know what that feels like.

1015
00:47:16,440 --> 00:47:16,880
Speaker 2: Absolutely.

1016
00:47:16,960 --> 00:47:19,160
Speaker 1: I've said to Kadeen so many times to say, you

1017
00:47:19,200 --> 00:47:21,160
Speaker 1: know why I don't talk to people. Every time I

1018
00:47:21,160 --> 00:47:24,319
Speaker 1: talk to people, they cry. It doesn't matter who it is.

1019
00:47:24,440 --> 00:47:26,279
Speaker 1: I talk to people. I tell him how I feel

1020
00:47:26,320 --> 00:47:28,400
Speaker 1: and what I need. They cry, I'm the big bad wolf.

1021
00:47:28,440 --> 00:47:31,000
Speaker 1: I'm the bad guy because I'm the one that's always

1022
00:47:31,000 --> 00:47:33,560
Speaker 1: there for people, and the moment I express what I

1023
00:47:33,640 --> 00:47:36,640
Speaker 1: need out of that relationship, they feel attacked. So I

1024
00:47:36,719 --> 00:47:39,719
Speaker 1: stopped and that didn't help any because now not only

1025
00:47:39,840 --> 00:47:42,239
Speaker 1: was I not getting what I wanted, I wasn't even

1026
00:47:42,239 --> 00:47:45,320
Speaker 1: able to express how I felt about it. And Kadeen

1027
00:47:45,360 --> 00:47:46,560
Speaker 1: and I went through this and I just got to

1028
00:47:46,600 --> 00:47:47,960
Speaker 1: a point where I was like, Kadeen, I'm not going

1029
00:47:48,040 --> 00:47:50,000
Speaker 1: to stop telling you how I feel. I'm going to

1030
00:47:50,120 --> 00:47:51,960
Speaker 1: keep telling you how I feel. And if you really

1031
00:47:52,000 --> 00:47:54,440
Speaker 1: love me the way you say you love me, you'll

1032
00:47:54,480 --> 00:47:56,960
Speaker 1: listen to what I'm saying and you'll work with me

1033
00:47:57,080 --> 00:47:59,319
Speaker 1: with being what I need if you can do it,

1034
00:47:59,440 --> 00:48:00,960
Speaker 1: and if you can, we talk about it and we

1035
00:48:01,000 --> 00:48:05,640
Speaker 1: figure another way. And for years Kadeen would do stuff

1036
00:48:05,760 --> 00:48:10,400
Speaker 1: like I said, I want to go to watch a

1037
00:48:10,400 --> 00:48:12,840
Speaker 1: movie on date night. Kadean will get me tickets to

1038
00:48:12,880 --> 00:48:14,880
Speaker 1: the theater and I'd be like, I want to go

1039
00:48:14,920 --> 00:48:16,600
Speaker 1: see a movie. He said, when I thought that you

1040
00:48:16,640 --> 00:48:18,040
Speaker 1: would want to see this show, I'm like, I got

1041
00:48:18,080 --> 00:48:20,279
Speaker 1: to ask you what you thought. I told you what

1042
00:48:20,360 --> 00:48:22,640
Speaker 1: I wanted, and she said, but I thought this was nice.

1043
00:48:22,680 --> 00:48:25,880
Speaker 1: And we argued for years about her doing what she

1044
00:48:25,960 --> 00:48:28,600
Speaker 1: thought was special for me instead of doing exactly what

1045
00:48:28,640 --> 00:48:31,719
Speaker 1: I asked. And your boyfriend is a military guy, which

1046
00:48:31,719 --> 00:48:36,680
Speaker 1: means he's very big on directives. Directives are extremely there's

1047
00:48:36,719 --> 00:48:37,480
Speaker 1: a task.

1048
00:48:38,200 --> 00:48:40,319
Speaker 3: Complete the task, complete the test, don't reinvent the wheel,

1049
00:48:40,440 --> 00:48:42,759
Speaker 3: and find ways to like. For example, we were long

1050
00:48:42,800 --> 00:48:44,600
Speaker 3: distance when you were in the league. I knew what

1051
00:48:44,680 --> 00:48:47,520
Speaker 3: he needed in order to get by, like I just

1052
00:48:47,600 --> 00:48:51,560
Speaker 3: knew even fun Now, why you think I trucked my

1053
00:48:51,600 --> 00:48:53,719
Speaker 3: ass up to Toronto with four kids on spring break

1054
00:48:53,719 --> 00:48:55,520
Speaker 3: when we were supposed to be the Muhamma's on the beach,

1055
00:48:55,560 --> 00:48:59,040
Speaker 3: but we went to the cold because No, my husband

1056
00:48:59,040 --> 00:49:01,400
Speaker 3: does not deal well with being away from his family

1057
00:49:01,440 --> 00:49:03,600
Speaker 3: for an extended period of time. So I had to

1058
00:49:03,600 --> 00:49:06,120
Speaker 3: haul ass up to Canada to be in Toronto with

1059
00:49:06,200 --> 00:49:07,880
Speaker 3: him and the kids, because I know that's what he

1060
00:49:07,960 --> 00:49:10,600
Speaker 3: needed in that moment to get by. Figure out what

1061
00:49:10,640 --> 00:49:12,960
Speaker 3: he needs in that moment to get by and deliver

1062
00:49:13,040 --> 00:49:13,399
Speaker 3: on that.

1063
00:49:13,600 --> 00:49:17,920
Speaker 1: And also when you can't be there do things, it's

1064
00:49:18,000 --> 00:49:21,400
Speaker 1: like you're there. I get up some mornings, there's groceries

1065
00:49:21,440 --> 00:49:24,360
Speaker 1: already at the door because she's already ordered the groceries.

1066
00:49:24,400 --> 00:49:27,200
Speaker 1: She knows everything that I like. And before I even

1067
00:49:27,239 --> 00:49:28,480
Speaker 1: have to say, oh, let me get up and go

1068
00:49:28,480 --> 00:49:31,600
Speaker 1: get some shopping, it's already done. Like there are so

1069
00:49:31,680 --> 00:49:34,640
Speaker 1: many ways to help someone long distance with technology nowadays,

1070
00:49:34,960 --> 00:49:37,640
Speaker 1: i'd be on set. She Uber eats food to where

1071
00:49:37,680 --> 00:49:39,800
Speaker 1: I'm at, Like I'm really big on acts of service

1072
00:49:39,800 --> 00:49:42,080
Speaker 1: as well, But I also don't require much. Kade knows

1073
00:49:42,120 --> 00:49:45,680
Speaker 1: that if I'm fed, for the most part, I'm in

1074
00:49:45,719 --> 00:49:48,560
Speaker 1: a good mood. So Cardino call me in because once

1075
00:49:48,640 --> 00:49:50,000
Speaker 1: last time you ate me.

1076
00:49:50,200 --> 00:49:53,880
Speaker 3: Usually always I always ask you are they feeding taking care?

1077
00:49:54,320 --> 00:49:56,799
Speaker 2: If not, now I gotta go. Ma'm sure I call

1078
00:49:56,840 --> 00:49:59,239
Speaker 2: out the reinforcements to get what you need.

1079
00:49:59,360 --> 00:50:00,759
Speaker 1: What's my rule on apologies?

1080
00:50:02,320 --> 00:50:03,040
Speaker 2: Change behavior?

1081
00:50:03,120 --> 00:50:05,400
Speaker 1: That's what apologies. Apologies mean nothing.

1082
00:50:06,440 --> 00:50:09,000
Speaker 2: You can I want you to say I'm sorry. Dival

1083
00:50:09,080 --> 00:50:11,839
Speaker 2: does not care. Nope, And I've become that way too, like.

1084
00:50:11,800 --> 00:50:14,480
Speaker 1: I don't want to hear sorry, sorry. The best apology

1085
00:50:14,600 --> 00:50:18,440
Speaker 1: is change behavior. If if I'm doing something that that

1086
00:50:18,719 --> 00:50:20,520
Speaker 1: doesn't work in the synergy with my wife and she

1087
00:50:20,600 --> 00:50:23,440
Speaker 1: expresses it, I'm not going to just say sorry to her.

1088
00:50:23,640 --> 00:50:25,719
Speaker 1: I'm going to acknowledge that thing I didn't know that

1089
00:50:25,719 --> 00:50:26,160
Speaker 1: that was.

1090
00:50:26,320 --> 00:50:28,279
Speaker 2: Or try to kind of the other person that the

1091
00:50:28,320 --> 00:50:29,359
Speaker 2: way they feel is not valid.

1092
00:50:29,440 --> 00:50:32,359
Speaker 1: Yeah, don't do that. Don't do that, just and and

1093
00:50:32,360 --> 00:50:34,920
Speaker 1: and only change your behavior if you want to. If

1094
00:50:34,960 --> 00:50:36,839
Speaker 1: you don't want to change your behavior, you can say, listen,

1095
00:50:36,840 --> 00:50:39,359
Speaker 1: this is a behavior that I'm comfortable with doing. Maybe

1096
00:50:39,400 --> 00:50:42,759
Speaker 1: this isn't working for us together and that's okay as well.

1097
00:50:42,560 --> 00:50:44,560
Speaker 3: Because if he starts to spill his guts out about

1098
00:50:44,560 --> 00:50:47,960
Speaker 3: the things he requires and you're like, oh, yeah, this

1099
00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:48,399
Speaker 3: is a lot.

1100
00:50:48,680 --> 00:50:50,080
Speaker 2: I'm not trying to be of service to you in

1101
00:50:50,120 --> 00:50:50,520
Speaker 2: this way.

1102
00:50:50,680 --> 00:50:52,440
Speaker 3: So then maybe then you know, okay, you got you

1103
00:50:52,840 --> 00:50:55,480
Speaker 3: equipped to deal with somebody who's requiring this, and then

1104
00:50:55,520 --> 00:50:58,359
Speaker 3: that's okay, you can go find your person. So good

1105
00:50:58,440 --> 00:51:01,680
Speaker 3: luck to y'all. All right, second and last listener letter

1106
00:51:01,680 --> 00:51:03,000
Speaker 3: of the day. First off, I want to thank you

1107
00:51:03,040 --> 00:51:06,080
Speaker 3: to for being so impactful in my life. When people

1108
00:51:06,080 --> 00:51:09,719
Speaker 3: ask who my role models are, devl you are one

1109
00:51:09,719 --> 00:51:10,759
Speaker 3: of the names I speak on.

1110
00:51:11,560 --> 00:51:12,520
Speaker 1: Thank you so much.

1111
00:51:12,719 --> 00:51:15,000
Speaker 3: I use your example so much in conversations with my

1112
00:51:15,040 --> 00:51:18,239
Speaker 3: own podcast. My lady and I been watching y'all's video

1113
00:51:18,280 --> 00:51:20,360
Speaker 3: since we were twenty one. We're now twenty six with

1114
00:51:20,440 --> 00:51:22,640
Speaker 3: an almost two year old boy and a baby girl

1115
00:51:22,680 --> 00:51:26,200
Speaker 3: on the way. Congrats, y'all. We have a house to

1116
00:51:26,280 --> 00:51:28,200
Speaker 3: have a great job, and my lady is holding down

1117
00:51:28,200 --> 00:51:32,280
Speaker 3: the fort. I plan to give her that ring soon. Carrie,

1118
00:51:32,800 --> 00:51:36,200
Speaker 3: if you're hearing this, hey ah wait second, all.

1119
00:51:36,160 --> 00:51:39,600
Speaker 2: Right, carry girl, You about to get your races. Devel,

1120
00:51:40,120 --> 00:51:41,920
Speaker 2: I for real look up to you in many ways.

1121
00:51:41,960 --> 00:51:44,279
Speaker 3: I was raised by a single father, though my mom

1122
00:51:44,360 --> 00:51:48,160
Speaker 3: was very present in my life. He was my main caretaker.

1123
00:51:50,760 --> 00:51:53,840
Speaker 3: He was real hard on me. It took sorry, he

1124
00:51:53,880 --> 00:51:55,360
Speaker 3: was real hard on me. It was kind of to

1125
00:51:55,400 --> 00:51:58,399
Speaker 3: the point speaking to my pops raised the dope man

1126
00:51:58,480 --> 00:52:01,600
Speaker 3: for me, for real, for real, Okay. But at the

1127
00:52:01,640 --> 00:52:03,319
Speaker 3: same time, I don't want my son to go through

1128
00:52:03,400 --> 00:52:06,200
Speaker 3: what I went through with verbal abuse, ass whoopings like

1129
00:52:06,239 --> 00:52:09,680
Speaker 3: I got, some well deserved, some not so much. I

1130
00:52:09,719 --> 00:52:11,520
Speaker 3: love sports and want to coach my son, but my

1131
00:52:11,600 --> 00:52:14,000
Speaker 3: pops was my coach and shit was rough, and I

1132
00:52:14,000 --> 00:52:16,200
Speaker 3: don't want that on my son. I'm so nervous in

1133
00:52:16,200 --> 00:52:18,840
Speaker 3: all aspects of raising my son. I don't want to

1134
00:52:18,840 --> 00:52:19,359
Speaker 3: fuck him.

1135
00:52:19,280 --> 00:52:20,919
Speaker 1: Up all the time.

1136
00:52:21,320 --> 00:52:25,560
Speaker 3: All the time. I'm in therapy for myself and my family.

1137
00:52:25,640 --> 00:52:30,840
Speaker 3: That's awesome. It gave me anxiety. I gave me anxiety

1138
00:52:30,840 --> 00:52:33,080
Speaker 3: when or thing it says it. It gave me anxiety

1139
00:52:33,120 --> 00:52:35,440
Speaker 3: when we lost my brother when I was ten, he

1140
00:52:35,520 --> 00:52:38,120
Speaker 3: was eleven to a disease, and I think my Pops

1141
00:52:38,239 --> 00:52:40,799
Speaker 3: grieved it for a long time. But he's one of

1142
00:52:40,840 --> 00:52:43,960
Speaker 3: those men who hides it. And I know that because

1143
00:52:44,200 --> 00:52:47,279
Speaker 3: I'm the same way. What advice do you have in

1144
00:52:47,320 --> 00:52:51,239
Speaker 3: regards to raising your sons that may have shifted from

1145
00:52:51,280 --> 00:52:54,000
Speaker 3: when you y'all were twenty six While we just we're

1146
00:52:54,040 --> 00:52:57,480
Speaker 3: talking to jack about this and how do you continue

1147
00:52:57,480 --> 00:52:59,880
Speaker 3: to feed their confidence but prevent arrogance?

1148
00:53:00,080 --> 00:53:01,799
Speaker 1: But we literally just talked about this.

1149
00:53:02,440 --> 00:53:05,680
Speaker 3: How do you also create a respectful relationship but also

1150
00:53:05,840 --> 00:53:08,560
Speaker 3: trust so they know you're always there for them and

1151
00:53:08,640 --> 00:53:11,799
Speaker 3: love them. This is a great, great question. First of all,

1152
00:53:11,840 --> 00:53:15,240
Speaker 3: shout out to you for being the kind of man

1153
00:53:15,280 --> 00:53:18,640
Speaker 3: and father who is reflective on his life and the

1154
00:53:18,680 --> 00:53:20,600
Speaker 3: things that worked and didn't work for you and how

1155
00:53:20,640 --> 00:53:21,680
Speaker 3: you can be a better father.

1156
00:53:21,760 --> 00:53:22,680
Speaker 2: So that is awesome.

1157
00:53:23,080 --> 00:53:25,440
Speaker 3: Your kids are going to be so, so so good

1158
00:53:25,520 --> 00:53:29,000
Speaker 3: because of that. Divine and I literally have just had

1159
00:53:29,000 --> 00:53:32,640
Speaker 3: this conversation and then had the conversation with Jackson too,

1160
00:53:32,760 --> 00:53:34,120
Speaker 3: So you can take it away, baby, because I know

1161
00:53:34,200 --> 00:53:35,719
Speaker 3: he's speaking to you specifically.

1162
00:53:36,040 --> 00:53:38,840
Speaker 1: No, this is a dope question. This is you know,

1163
00:53:38,960 --> 00:53:40,600
Speaker 1: Kadin and I wrote the book We Over Me. I

1164
00:53:40,600 --> 00:53:42,719
Speaker 1: want to do a second book. I'm actually in discussions

1165
00:53:43,600 --> 00:53:46,400
Speaker 1: a book on fatherhood because of everything I everything I

1166
00:53:46,480 --> 00:53:49,760
Speaker 1: pretty much learned over the past twelve years of raising

1167
00:53:49,840 --> 00:53:54,640
Speaker 1: Jackson and now six five and eighteen months raising Dakota,

1168
00:53:54,719 --> 00:53:58,120
Speaker 1: Kiro and Kaz. But the first thing is you. You

1169
00:53:58,200 --> 00:54:00,200
Speaker 1: brought the age twenty six to twenty seven. I was

1170
00:54:00,239 --> 00:54:02,000
Speaker 1: twenty six and twenty seven years old. I was coming

1171
00:54:02,000 --> 00:54:05,080
Speaker 1: out of the NFL, kadein and I got pregnant. Jackson

1172
00:54:05,120 --> 00:54:10,040
Speaker 1: came the year after. I approached fatherhood like I did

1173
00:54:10,080 --> 00:54:13,920
Speaker 1: the NFL, like I approached it with this vigor and

1174
00:54:13,960 --> 00:54:16,960
Speaker 1: this unyielding work effort, like everything had to be repetition.

1175
00:54:17,120 --> 00:54:20,680
Speaker 1: Just do things perfectly, just everything had to be on go,

1176
00:54:20,760 --> 00:54:23,400
Speaker 1: do it one hundred percent. Now now now. And what

1177
00:54:23,480 --> 00:54:27,480
Speaker 1: I realized was I gave Jackson a lot of anxiety

1178
00:54:28,200 --> 00:54:32,120
Speaker 1: because his fear was that if he didn't do things

1179
00:54:32,200 --> 00:54:35,600
Speaker 1: exactly the way I said it in real time, he

1180
00:54:35,640 --> 00:54:39,360
Speaker 1: would disappoint me and I wouldn't love him. And it

1181
00:54:39,520 --> 00:54:42,080
Speaker 1: hurt me when he told me that, But it also

1182
00:54:42,160 --> 00:54:44,520
Speaker 1: opened my eyes to how I can change for Cairo,

1183
00:54:44,680 --> 00:54:48,839
Speaker 1: kazn Dakota. So the biggest thing I will tell you

1184
00:54:49,000 --> 00:54:53,960
Speaker 1: is number one, don't coach your son. I coached his

1185
00:54:53,960 --> 00:54:58,640
Speaker 1: football team last year. Right coach, And to be honest,

1186
00:54:58,920 --> 00:55:03,279
Speaker 1: find other voices to be what you can't be. And

1187
00:55:03,320 --> 00:55:06,200
Speaker 1: I'll tell you why when I was mentoring young man

1188
00:55:06,280 --> 00:55:11,080
Speaker 1: and I was doing prototype sports performance, I could scream, cuss,

1189
00:55:12,239 --> 00:55:15,000
Speaker 1: do everything to these kids to get the best out

1190
00:55:15,040 --> 00:55:16,960
Speaker 1: of them. But at the end of the day and

1191
00:55:17,040 --> 00:55:19,359
Speaker 1: the segment, they could go back into the car with

1192
00:55:19,400 --> 00:55:22,839
Speaker 1: their moms and dads and discuss something else and don't

1193
00:55:22,840 --> 00:55:24,759
Speaker 1: have to deal with hearing this same voice when they

1194
00:55:24,800 --> 00:55:28,520
Speaker 1: get home. When I was training and coaching Jackson, I'd

1195
00:55:28,560 --> 00:55:30,840
Speaker 1: be screaming and cussing and hollering and doing all of

1196
00:55:30,880 --> 00:55:33,000
Speaker 1: that stuff. Then we get in the car and I'm

1197
00:55:33,040 --> 00:55:36,240
Speaker 1: still going him. Then I get home and I'm still

1198
00:55:36,239 --> 00:55:37,799
Speaker 1: going him. And then he gets up and go to

1199
00:55:37,800 --> 00:55:39,640
Speaker 1: school the next day, and all he's heard was me

1200
00:55:39,719 --> 00:55:42,520
Speaker 1: be coach. And even when I tried not to be

1201
00:55:42,600 --> 00:55:45,239
Speaker 1: coach at home, I noticed he shied away from being

1202
00:55:45,280 --> 00:55:47,959
Speaker 1: around me because he was afraid that I was going

1203
00:55:48,000 --> 00:55:50,000
Speaker 1: to coach him at home and he didn't want that.

1204
00:55:50,880 --> 00:55:55,400
Speaker 1: So what I started doing was creating a specific time

1205
00:55:55,480 --> 00:55:58,600
Speaker 1: and place for me to train him. And once we

1206
00:55:58,600 --> 00:56:02,400
Speaker 1: were done with that time in place, I didn't go

1207
00:56:02,480 --> 00:56:05,640
Speaker 1: back to that I was dad now where before when

1208
00:56:05,640 --> 00:56:08,280
Speaker 1: I was coaching, and that he knew the difference coaching,

1209
00:56:08,840 --> 00:56:10,640
Speaker 1: but then when I became dad, I said, once we

1210
00:56:10,680 --> 00:56:12,279
Speaker 1: get in his car, I'm dad. Now we can talk

1211
00:56:12,280 --> 00:56:15,040
Speaker 1: about anything. We're not talking about basketball when I talk

1212
00:56:15,040 --> 00:56:17,600
Speaker 1: about your stats, when not talking about the layups and all, no,

1213
00:56:18,080 --> 00:56:20,120
Speaker 1: anything you want to talk about, we can talk about it.

1214
00:56:20,400 --> 00:56:22,359
Speaker 1: So the first thing I say is differentiate the time

1215
00:56:22,360 --> 00:56:23,960
Speaker 1: and place to be a coach and be a dad.

1216
00:56:24,000 --> 00:56:27,960
Speaker 1: But also do not be afraid to acknowledge your faults

1217
00:56:27,960 --> 00:56:30,680
Speaker 1: as a man to your son and apologize him for

1218
00:56:30,719 --> 00:56:32,960
Speaker 1: anything you may have done that may have been a

1219
00:56:32,960 --> 00:56:34,799
Speaker 1: detriment to him in the past, and now you can

1220
00:56:34,800 --> 00:56:39,239
Speaker 1: correct that. Vulnerability will allow him to then be vulnerable

1221
00:56:39,320 --> 00:56:41,239
Speaker 1: to you and open up to you when he's not

1222
00:56:41,280 --> 00:56:44,440
Speaker 1: feeling his best self. That's the main thing I've learned.

1223
00:56:44,760 --> 00:56:47,000
Speaker 1: I asked Jackson to be vulnerable. How many times, Jackson,

1224
00:56:47,000 --> 00:56:48,879
Speaker 1: don't you talk to me? That's I ask you a questions?

1225
00:56:48,920 --> 00:56:50,080
Speaker 1: You want to talk to me? He's like, I'm fine,

1226
00:56:50,120 --> 00:56:52,799
Speaker 1: I'm fine, I'm fine. And I realized that I'm looking at.

1227
00:56:52,760 --> 00:56:54,759
Speaker 3: A little version of me, and he wouldn't even know

1228
00:56:54,800 --> 00:56:57,240
Speaker 3: how to express himself in that way if you didn't

1229
00:56:57,360 --> 00:56:58,480
Speaker 3: try to do it yourself.

1230
00:56:58,920 --> 00:56:59,960
Speaker 2: And then it becomes reciprocal.

1231
00:57:02,040 --> 00:57:04,360
Speaker 1: I know y'all heard. I know y'all heard what kadeen

1232
00:57:04,360 --> 00:57:07,359
Speaker 1: he said, But that is a whole other podcast. The

1233
00:57:07,400 --> 00:57:12,120
Speaker 1: way you learn how to create emotionally intelligent, vulnerable child

1234
00:57:12,360 --> 00:57:15,440
Speaker 1: is by being vulnerable with them. Yes, they will watch

1235
00:57:15,480 --> 00:57:17,440
Speaker 1: you do it, and they will feel like it's okay

1236
00:57:17,480 --> 00:57:20,200
Speaker 1: to do it because you've opened up. If you stay

1237
00:57:20,280 --> 00:57:22,840
Speaker 1: closed and you don't say anything to them and you

1238
00:57:23,240 --> 00:57:25,600
Speaker 1: and Jackson has said it to me so many times,

1239
00:57:26,080 --> 00:57:31,280
Speaker 1: I suggestion, why do you get so upset when you

1240
00:57:31,320 --> 00:57:35,160
Speaker 1: start to get emotional? I said, do you realize once

1241
00:57:35,160 --> 00:57:36,920
Speaker 1: you start to get emotional and I point out that

1242
00:57:36,920 --> 00:57:39,360
Speaker 1: you're getting emotional, you get even more emotional. Trying to

1243
00:57:39,360 --> 00:57:41,840
Speaker 1: fight back the fact that you're already emotional, he says, well,

1244
00:57:41,840 --> 00:57:44,520
Speaker 1: look at you. You don't ever get emotional. Everything you

1245
00:57:44,560 --> 00:57:47,400
Speaker 1: do is very you always put you always together. That's

1246
00:57:47,400 --> 00:57:49,520
Speaker 1: what he told me. He said, I don't know why

1247
00:57:49,520 --> 00:57:52,280
Speaker 1: I get emotional. Then he starts to get emotional, and

1248
00:57:52,600 --> 00:57:54,560
Speaker 1: I had to realize, like, wow, my son has never

1249
00:57:54,640 --> 00:57:58,240
Speaker 1: seen me be emotional, so he thinks he's less of

1250
00:57:58,240 --> 00:58:01,240
Speaker 1: a man if he starts to get emotional and he

1251
00:58:01,280 --> 00:58:04,640
Speaker 1: becomes emotional about that and he can't control it, and

1252
00:58:04,680 --> 00:58:06,800
Speaker 1: I was like wow. So I started to open up

1253
00:58:06,840 --> 00:58:09,960
Speaker 1: with him and become vulnerable, and he started to comfort me.

1254
00:58:11,080 --> 00:58:12,880
Speaker 1: And then he would say things like that, it's okay,

1255
00:58:12,960 --> 00:58:15,760
Speaker 1: like you're not perfect, you know, you give me grace.

1256
00:58:16,160 --> 00:58:18,160
Speaker 1: And I start to hear him say the things that

1257
00:58:18,240 --> 00:58:21,040
Speaker 1: I say to him to me in order to comfort me.

1258
00:58:21,680 --> 00:58:23,040
Speaker 1: And then when I say, I say, see how you

1259
00:58:23,080 --> 00:58:25,360
Speaker 1: comforted me there, and I see him kind of smirt,

1260
00:58:26,400 --> 00:58:27,760
Speaker 1: and I was like, how come you can't do the

1261
00:58:27,800 --> 00:58:31,320
Speaker 1: same thing to yourself. So all of the story is

1262
00:58:31,880 --> 00:58:33,840
Speaker 1: be the person you want to see your children become.

1263
00:58:35,240 --> 00:58:41,880
Speaker 1: Don't be this hyper masculine, super tough, region rigid version.

1264
00:58:42,560 --> 00:58:45,040
Speaker 2: Children must be seen and not heard like all.

1265
00:58:44,920 --> 00:58:48,760
Speaker 1: Of those you know, tropes of manhood.

1266
00:58:49,000 --> 00:58:51,560
Speaker 2: Out the window, out the window and stuff.

1267
00:58:51,600 --> 00:58:54,880
Speaker 3: That's a good topic though, because we did talk about

1268
00:58:55,080 --> 00:58:59,600
Speaker 3: very recently how we've been how we're purposefully changing the

1269
00:58:59,600 --> 00:59:03,560
Speaker 3: way we are our parenting based off of Jackson and

1270
00:59:03,640 --> 00:59:06,480
Speaker 3: letting Jackson know, like man like you grew up with

1271
00:59:06,560 --> 00:59:08,560
Speaker 3: us in the trenches, like in Brooklyn when.

1272
00:59:08,440 --> 00:59:09,440
Speaker 2: We had nothing.

1273
00:59:09,640 --> 00:59:13,560
Speaker 3: He started with us there and that's why as stellar

1274
00:59:13,720 --> 00:59:17,360
Speaker 3: as a student as he is athlete, a human being,

1275
00:59:18,160 --> 00:59:21,320
Speaker 3: Jackson Gill whatever he wants or just for that reason

1276
00:59:21,320 --> 00:59:25,160
Speaker 3: a long because he has persevered through everything that we've

1277
00:59:25,640 --> 00:59:28,440
Speaker 3: had to endure and brought him through. We've put him

1278
00:59:28,480 --> 00:59:31,440
Speaker 3: in adult situations as a child where he had to

1279
00:59:32,120 --> 00:59:35,240
Speaker 3: move at such moments, you know, and it was and

1280
00:59:35,240 --> 00:59:37,280
Speaker 3: it wasn't fair to him, but it was all because

1281
00:59:37,280 --> 00:59:42,040
Speaker 3: we had the bigger picture, you know, as the focus.

1282
00:59:42,120 --> 00:59:44,760
Speaker 1: So also the last thing is include if you have

1283
00:59:44,880 --> 00:59:49,479
Speaker 1: multiple kids, include your oldest child in how you parent

1284
00:59:49,520 --> 00:59:52,000
Speaker 1: the youngest one, so that they can understand when they

1285
00:59:52,000 --> 00:59:56,520
Speaker 1: see differences. I've already remember we were swimming with Kaz.

1286
00:59:57,400 --> 01:00:00,960
Speaker 1: Kaz didn't want to jump in the water, and I

1287
01:00:01,000 --> 01:00:02,800
Speaker 1: talked to him and I said, hey, bro, He's like,

1288
01:00:02,840 --> 01:00:05,080
Speaker 1: I'm nervous. I'm nervous. She started crying. So I said, hey,

1289
01:00:05,720 --> 01:00:08,720
Speaker 1: that's why we're doing this, because you're nervous. I'm saying,

1290
01:00:08,720 --> 01:00:11,200
Speaker 1: just jump, Daddy, gonna be right here. Just jump in

1291
01:00:11,240 --> 01:00:13,360
Speaker 1: the water, swim across. He's like, how many times, Let's

1292
01:00:13,360 --> 01:00:15,680
Speaker 1: say you do it three times, You're done. He jumped

1293
01:00:15,680 --> 01:00:17,320
Speaker 1: in the first time. We applauded him. We jumped the

1294
01:00:17,360 --> 01:00:19,600
Speaker 1: first time, and Jackson was watching and then as soon

1295
01:00:19,600 --> 01:00:21,400
Speaker 1: as Jackson was he was done. I walked over to Jackson.

1296
01:00:21,400 --> 01:00:23,360
Speaker 1: I said, you see what I did there. He's like yeah.

1297
01:00:23,360 --> 01:00:24,880
Speaker 1: I said, that was very different than when you were

1298
01:00:24,960 --> 01:00:26,440
Speaker 1: learning how to swim when you were five. He was

1299
01:00:26,440 --> 01:00:27,880
Speaker 1: like yeah. I said, what happened? He said, I would

1300
01:00:27,880 --> 01:00:29,760
Speaker 1: have got screamed that it cussed out. I said, yeah,

1301
01:00:30,120 --> 01:00:32,520
Speaker 1: I said, Daddy was a little immature then, you know

1302
01:00:32,560 --> 01:00:34,080
Speaker 1: I was. I was way younger. I didn't know what

1303
01:00:34,120 --> 01:00:36,680
Speaker 1: I was doing. I didn't understand how detrimental that was

1304
01:00:36,720 --> 01:00:39,400
Speaker 1: to you and your development. And I would have definitely

1305
01:00:39,480 --> 01:00:41,080
Speaker 1: been screaming there, like get your ass in the pool,

1306
01:00:41,120 --> 01:00:43,800
Speaker 1: stop being a baby, stop being scared, face your fears it.

1307
01:00:43,800 --> 01:00:46,400
Speaker 1: I would have been screaming like a drill sergeant. And

1308
01:00:46,520 --> 01:00:49,120
Speaker 1: you jumped in there anyway with all that anxiety, and

1309
01:00:49,160 --> 01:00:51,600
Speaker 1: you fought through it. But I could have helped you

1310
01:00:51,680 --> 01:00:55,480
Speaker 1: a lot more if I was more mature. So, now

1311
01:00:55,520 --> 01:00:58,400
Speaker 1: that you're watching me do this, help me with your brothers.

1312
01:00:58,880 --> 01:01:02,440
Speaker 1: And Jackson now doesn't feel like he was left the side.

1313
01:01:02,560 --> 01:01:04,320
Speaker 1: He understands the difference or he.

1314
01:01:04,360 --> 01:01:05,040
Speaker 2: At the short end of this.

1315
01:01:05,280 --> 01:01:08,920
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's almost empowering him now to yes, assist us

1316
01:01:08,920 --> 01:01:11,320
Speaker 3: in the parents, absolutely his brothers, and I love that

1317
01:01:11,360 --> 01:01:14,560
Speaker 3: for him, especially us to being the oldest really good

1318
01:01:14,560 --> 01:01:17,200
Speaker 3: listener letters this go around. Y'all continue to write in

1319
01:01:17,320 --> 01:01:19,760
Speaker 3: because we love to hear from you. If you want

1320
01:01:19,800 --> 01:01:21,520
Speaker 3: to be featured as a listener letter, be sure to

1321
01:01:21,600 --> 01:01:24,760
Speaker 3: email us at dadas Advice at gmail dot com.

1322
01:01:24,760 --> 01:01:26,920
Speaker 1: That's D E A D A S S A D

1323
01:01:27,120 --> 01:01:30,440
Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot com.

1324
01:01:30,520 --> 01:01:32,439
Speaker 3: All right, you had said early on in the show

1325
01:01:32,440 --> 01:01:33,760
Speaker 3: that you already had your moment of truth.

1326
01:01:33,760 --> 01:01:35,760
Speaker 2: Do you remember it? Yes, Okay, go for it.

1327
01:01:35,760 --> 01:01:38,680
Speaker 1: Well, this was my moment of truth in all of this.

1328
01:01:39,400 --> 01:01:47,240
Speaker 1: Fatherhood doesn't begin and end with conception and delivery, you know,

1329
01:01:47,680 --> 01:01:51,520
Speaker 1: for men who are really involved fathers, and you can't

1330
01:01:51,560 --> 01:01:54,440
Speaker 1: say you can't put fatherhood in a scope and include

1331
01:01:54,440 --> 01:01:56,640
Speaker 1: everyone because they're a different type of fathers, right to it.

1332
01:01:56,920 --> 01:02:00,360
Speaker 1: But the type of father I am right, it exist

1333
01:02:00,480 --> 01:02:07,560
Speaker 1: all the way through my children's life. So my regret

1334
01:02:07,920 --> 01:02:11,400
Speaker 1: didn't come from the act of actually making a child.

1335
01:02:12,200 --> 01:02:14,560
Speaker 1: My regret comes in from the fact that I'm watching

1336
01:02:14,560 --> 01:02:16,320
Speaker 1: my youngest start to go through these steps that I

1337
01:02:16,360 --> 01:02:21,360
Speaker 1: will no longer have to do anymore, and the fact

1338
01:02:21,400 --> 01:02:25,280
Speaker 1: that I can't create that again at any time was

1339
01:02:25,360 --> 01:02:28,360
Speaker 1: kind of like wow, like that's final, you know, like

1340
01:02:28,400 --> 01:02:31,320
Speaker 1: that's very, very final. But it also made me realize

1341
01:02:31,360 --> 01:02:36,560
Speaker 1: how much I appreciate and love being a father, Like

1342
01:02:36,680 --> 01:02:41,760
Speaker 1: I really love doing this thing. I know it's going

1343
01:02:41,800 --> 01:02:44,080
Speaker 1: to come a moment and it's probably not to resect me,

1344
01:02:44,120 --> 01:02:45,600
Speaker 1: but it's probably just the fact that my kids are

1345
01:02:45,640 --> 01:02:49,680
Speaker 1: growing up. When Dakota's in school like Cairo and Kaz

1346
01:02:49,760 --> 01:02:53,720
Speaker 1: and we wake up some days and they're all off

1347
01:02:53,840 --> 01:02:56,320
Speaker 1: until two thirty and they're out and there's nothing for

1348
01:02:56,400 --> 01:02:58,320
Speaker 1: us to do with kids. I'm probably going to go

1349
01:02:58,360 --> 01:02:59,560
Speaker 1: through that phase again where.

1350
01:02:59,360 --> 01:03:02,720
Speaker 3: I'm just like, I know, feeling like an empty nest, right, yeah,

1351
01:03:02,840 --> 01:03:04,880
Speaker 3: you know, because let's home school them all and bring

1352
01:03:04,880 --> 01:03:07,000
Speaker 3: them back home because we enjoy our kids, y'all. Do

1353
01:03:07,000 --> 01:03:09,160
Speaker 3: I know some parents can't wait for school to open

1354
01:03:09,200 --> 01:03:11,120
Speaker 3: back up to get their kids in school every day.

1355
01:03:11,440 --> 01:03:13,400
Speaker 3: If we can keep our kids with us all the time,

1356
01:03:13,560 --> 01:03:17,400
Speaker 3: whether it's on work, work trips, on set wherever, I

1357
01:03:17,440 --> 01:03:19,320
Speaker 3: would love to have my kids with me all the time.

1358
01:03:19,640 --> 01:03:21,160
Speaker 3: They're freaking dope human beings.

1359
01:03:21,240 --> 01:03:24,520
Speaker 1: Think about it. No matter what's going on, at some point,

1360
01:03:24,880 --> 01:03:27,840
Speaker 1: there's always a little person in the house, like right now,

1361
01:03:27,920 --> 01:03:30,080
Speaker 1: da Colda just walks in the room.

1362
01:03:30,280 --> 01:03:31,040
Speaker 2: I hear him in the back.

1363
01:03:31,320 --> 01:03:32,959
Speaker 1: Yeah, he walks in the room. He turned the TV

1364
01:03:33,080 --> 01:03:35,640
Speaker 1: on and take all the stuff out the drawers and

1365
01:03:35,640 --> 01:03:36,439
Speaker 1: the walk out.

1366
01:03:36,800 --> 01:03:37,000
Speaker 3: You know.

1367
01:03:37,120 --> 01:03:40,280
Speaker 1: It's like at some point he's going to be in school. Yeah,

1368
01:03:40,320 --> 01:03:42,440
Speaker 1: there's going to be no little person just walking in

1369
01:03:42,440 --> 01:03:44,880
Speaker 1: the room and climbing in the bed. I know. You know,

1370
01:03:45,400 --> 01:03:48,520
Speaker 1: like that's that's really what it is. And the idea

1371
01:03:48,640 --> 01:03:51,479
Speaker 1: that I can't just make that again when I want yeah,

1372
01:03:51,720 --> 01:03:53,080
Speaker 1: seems very final.

1373
01:03:52,880 --> 01:03:54,880
Speaker 3: You know how A whole lots of moments like that. When

1374
01:03:54,920 --> 01:03:58,200
Speaker 3: you're away filming, they all move into our room and

1375
01:03:58,240 --> 01:04:00,240
Speaker 3: I'll have one in the bed with me, one of

1376
01:04:00,240 --> 01:04:01,920
Speaker 3: the foot of the bed on the chase lounger, and

1377
01:04:01,920 --> 01:04:03,080
Speaker 3: then they'll bring a blow up bed.

1378
01:04:03,560 --> 01:04:05,280
Speaker 2: And that's just my way of being like damn, I

1379
01:04:05,360 --> 01:04:06,840
Speaker 2: just always want them like here.

1380
01:04:07,840 --> 01:04:08,040
Speaker 3: You know.

1381
01:04:08,880 --> 01:04:16,640
Speaker 1: My bad last thing. Don't disregard men's feelings. You thought

1382
01:04:17,480 --> 01:04:19,760
Speaker 1: I was going to say, like, don't disregard how men

1383
01:04:19,840 --> 01:04:23,080
Speaker 1: feel about being fathers and making children and write it

1384
01:04:23,120 --> 01:04:25,080
Speaker 1: off like the court system does. And it make it

1385
01:04:25,080 --> 01:04:27,600
Speaker 1: seem like your only responsibility is to provide and you

1386
01:04:27,640 --> 01:04:30,880
Speaker 1: don't care, because men do care. And the idea of

1387
01:04:31,760 --> 01:04:34,480
Speaker 1: you know, making children and creating and procreating is not

1388
01:04:34,520 --> 01:04:38,240
Speaker 1: just something that is only exists in women. It exists

1389
01:04:38,280 --> 01:04:41,040
Speaker 1: in us. And we've been taught in condition to be like,

1390
01:04:41,080 --> 01:04:43,440
Speaker 1: it's fine if I can't, it's fine. But that's just

1391
01:04:43,480 --> 01:04:47,400
Speaker 1: not the case. Of the five men, four felt like

1392
01:04:47,480 --> 01:04:50,240
Speaker 1: they had regrets about it, regrets about the one guy

1393
01:04:50,320 --> 01:04:52,160
Speaker 1: felt like he didn't, but he also had a lot

1394
01:04:52,200 --> 01:04:55,040
Speaker 1: of kids. But don't disregard men's feelings when it comes

1395
01:04:55,080 --> 01:04:55,680
Speaker 1: to their kids.

1396
01:04:55,760 --> 01:04:58,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, that was going to be my moment of truth,

1397
01:04:58,280 --> 01:05:01,680
Speaker 3: like for ladies particularly, and I say, lady is just

1398
01:05:01,680 --> 01:05:03,960
Speaker 3: because I know we have different forms of relationships and

1399
01:05:04,000 --> 01:05:06,480
Speaker 3: examples of couples who listen to the show, but specifically

1400
01:05:06,520 --> 01:05:09,840
Speaker 3: speaking to our men who don't always who are not

1401
01:05:09,840 --> 01:05:11,720
Speaker 3: always given the benefit of the doubt when it comes

1402
01:05:11,800 --> 01:05:13,880
Speaker 3: to emotions and how they feel in the way they

1403
01:05:13,920 --> 01:05:18,480
Speaker 3: express it, for us to just really just ask again

1404
01:05:18,960 --> 01:05:21,360
Speaker 3: how you feel like, never stop the line of questioning,

1405
01:05:21,440 --> 01:05:24,200
Speaker 3: whether it's with a vasectomy or it's just with anything

1406
01:05:25,000 --> 01:05:27,360
Speaker 3: being able to express yourself. Even our listener letter where

1407
01:05:27,400 --> 01:05:28,760
Speaker 3: she said, you know, I don't know how to be

1408
01:05:29,360 --> 01:05:32,360
Speaker 3: pretty much of service to him, like ask the questions

1409
01:05:32,360 --> 01:05:34,400
Speaker 3: and have the conversations. He may not open up one

1410
01:05:34,440 --> 01:05:36,439
Speaker 3: the first time, he may not open up the second time,

1411
01:05:36,920 --> 01:05:38,560
Speaker 3: but the third time. And I love that you felt

1412
01:05:38,560 --> 01:05:41,200
Speaker 3: comfortable within the space that we're in as a couple

1413
01:05:41,240 --> 01:05:44,280
Speaker 3: to be able to say, hey, babe, you know I

1414
01:05:44,280 --> 01:05:46,120
Speaker 3: feel like in the past I might have been like, well, damn,

1415
01:05:46,200 --> 01:05:48,280
Speaker 3: now he got the vasecting me done. Now it's my fault,

1416
01:05:48,320 --> 01:05:51,000
Speaker 3: and I would have just taken that in and myself

1417
01:05:51,200 --> 01:05:53,360
Speaker 3: like damn, how so.

1418
01:05:53,280 --> 01:05:54,640
Speaker 2: Now you're saying you didn't want the viseect to me.

1419
01:05:54,680 --> 01:05:56,240
Speaker 2: How Like we spoke about this, like, why are you

1420
01:05:56,240 --> 01:05:57,120
Speaker 2: having an issue with it? Now?

1421
01:05:57,280 --> 01:06:01,200
Speaker 3: That's as immature, Kadeen, Kadeen, You's ago kind received it

1422
01:06:01,200 --> 01:06:04,600
Speaker 3: that And now I just really wanted to be empathetic

1423
01:06:04,760 --> 01:06:06,720
Speaker 3: with you and feel how you felt in this moment,

1424
01:06:06,760 --> 01:06:08,640
Speaker 3: because it's a real thing and it's a real feeling.

1425
01:06:09,000 --> 01:06:12,400
Speaker 3: So I want to encourage couples out there, whichever's spouse

1426
01:06:12,480 --> 01:06:15,960
Speaker 3: is dealing with something to just ask and ask again

1427
01:06:16,280 --> 01:06:18,160
Speaker 3: and not judge them for the way they feel. So

1428
01:06:19,360 --> 01:06:21,480
Speaker 3: all right, y'all be sure to find us on Patreon.

1429
01:06:21,800 --> 01:06:23,439
Speaker 3: I love what you're writing, You're right into the listener

1430
01:06:23,520 --> 01:06:25,320
Speaker 3: letters they've been saying, Oh, we are part of the

1431
01:06:25,360 --> 01:06:28,680
Speaker 3: Patreon family. Now you can get exclusive dead Ass podcast

1432
01:06:28,840 --> 01:06:31,920
Speaker 3: video and Ella's family content there, as well as All

1433
01:06:32,000 --> 01:06:32,280
Speaker 3: day Ka.

1434
01:06:32,840 --> 01:06:34,880
Speaker 2: If you guys have not tuned in yet, we've been

1435
01:06:34,920 --> 01:06:36,160
Speaker 2: working around the clock on that.

1436
01:06:37,080 --> 01:06:39,560
Speaker 3: And find us on social media dead Ass the Podcast,

1437
01:06:39,920 --> 01:06:41,320
Speaker 3: Kadeen I am and I.

1438
01:06:41,200 --> 01:06:43,600
Speaker 1: Am Devout, and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be

1439
01:06:43,680 --> 01:06:47,880
Speaker 1: sure to rate, review, and subscribe dead Ass.

1440
01:06:48,560 --> 01:06:50,160
Speaker 2: Come here, baby, let me rub your nuts.

1441
01:06:50,720 --> 01:06:57,120
Speaker 1: Let make absolutely cut. Dead Ass is a production of

1442
01:06:57,160 --> 01:07:00,840
Speaker 1: iHeartMedia podcast Network and it's produced by Donor Opinion and

1443
01:07:01,000 --> 01:07:04,120
Speaker 1: Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead Ass

1444
01:07:04,120 --> 01:07:06,000
Speaker 1: the Podcast and never miss a Thing