Speaker 1: And her child just keeps coming up at all these
Speaker 1: different phases of my life, and it was just so
Speaker 1: it was just mind blowing to me to have that
Speaker 1: experience in therapy, sharing that those personal details and just
Speaker 1: to know that you can make it so far and
Speaker 1: still internally have so much healing to do.
Speaker 2: And yeah, it was just it was deep.
Speaker 3: Welcome to cultivating her space. I'm doctor Don, a college
Speaker 3: professor and licensed psychologist.
Speaker 4: And I'm Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. Every Friday,
Speaker 4: we initiate authentic conversations on everything from fibroids to fake
Speaker 4: friends and sex work to self care.
Speaker 3: Join us as we create a safe space where black
Speaker 3: women can just be.
Speaker 2: All Right, lady, let's get into it.
Speaker 5: From Chicago, this is Film Spotting.
Speaker 6: I'm Adam Kempanard and I'm Josh Larson.
Speaker 5: I went to Larson on film dot Com two stars
Speaker 5: for Josh Larson has the stale, stifling air of a
Speaker 5: hospital waiting room. Yikes, any ideas.
Speaker 6: Yet, man, sounds like I was having a bad day.
Speaker 6: I can tell you that.
Speaker 5: That was from our Top twenty five Films of the
Speaker 5: Century show in twenty twenty five. My number five film
Speaker 5: of the twenty first century. You still don't know what
Speaker 5: it is, do you?
Speaker 6: I just don't want to guess incorrectly.
Speaker 5: Film Spotting in depth reviews of films new and old,
Speaker 5: top five lists, movie marathons, and the occasional actor or
Speaker 5: director interview with a show archive that goes all the
Speaker 5: way back to two thousand and five.
Speaker 6: Listen to Films Spotting on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 6: or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Friday.
Speaker 6: More about the show at film Spotting dot map.
Speaker 5: Never let Me Go Josh number five.
Speaker 7: Okay, lady, So today, recognizing that we are this episode
Speaker 7: is airing, not necessarily when you might be listening to it,
Speaker 7: but when this episode is airing, we are within the
Speaker 7: month of May, which is National Mental Health Awareness Month,
Speaker 7: and so what we want to do today is kind
Speaker 7: of kind of walk you through that process of what
Speaker 7: therapy is like and what you can expect and what
Speaker 7: things you might need to advocate for when you decide,
Speaker 7: when you make that decision that you want to address
Speaker 7: your mental health. In previous episodes, we've talked about anxiety,
Speaker 7: we've talked about depression, and we've also talked about ways
Speaker 7: to address certain things, like we have a whole episode
Speaker 7: on self care, right, we also have episodes that dive
Speaker 7: into confidence or conflict and relationships, sexuality.
Speaker 8: All of the those things might be.
Speaker 7: Reasons why you decide to go and seek the services
Speaker 7: of a mental health professional.
Speaker 8: So today we want.
Speaker 7: To kind of give you a guide on how to
Speaker 7: seek those services. I'm going to start us off with
Speaker 7: our quote of the day. When we talk about our feelings,
Speaker 7: they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. That
Speaker 7: quote comes to us from mister Rogers. We'll team when
Speaker 7: you think about mental health because I have not I
Speaker 7: will be up front and transparent that as mental health professional,
Speaker 7: I'm biased. I encourage any and everybody to seek the
Speaker 7: services of a mental health professional. My friends and family
Speaker 7: will tell you I have no problem saying you think
Speaker 7: maybe you need to go, say a therapist for that,
Speaker 7: or I'm I'm not your therapist.
Speaker 2: Oh that's a good one.
Speaker 7: And so I acknowledge that when it comes to this
Speaker 7: particular topic, I have a bias. What do you think
Speaker 7: about mental health and seeking therapy?
Speaker 1: Well, I will say my opinion on this has evolved.
Speaker 1: I know, growing up this was something so far fetched.
Speaker 1: It was only therapy was only something I saw white
Speaker 1: people do in lifetime movies.
Speaker 2: I watched My Mom.
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, go on a therapy that's crazy. And
Speaker 1: you just think of this image of like, oh, this
Speaker 1: person laying, you know, lying on the therapist's couch and
Speaker 1: they're just talking about their problems and you're just like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, it's so weird. Right, And now I
Speaker 1: think for me, it's crazy that I've been through so
Speaker 1: many traumatic experiences. They had this crazy life, right, and
Speaker 1: didn't start going to therapy until I was in grad school.
Speaker 1: And I remember going to this woman in Southbury, Maryland,
Speaker 1: where I was living.
Speaker 2: And it's interesting because.
Speaker 1: I kind of thought that that experience was what therapy was.
Speaker 1: It wasn't a very good experience for me. I was
Speaker 1: with the therapist that she actually talked a lot about
Speaker 1: her life and what she was going through, and I
Speaker 1: was like, I wanted to say, I really want to say, bitch,
Speaker 1: I'm not your therapists.
Speaker 8: I'm here to see you.
Speaker 1: I need no help, but I didn't say that, but
Speaker 1: it was I will say it was nice to be
Speaker 1: able to get just get shit off my chest. That
Speaker 1: maybe I didn't want to tell people, you know, that
Speaker 1: were close to me. Maybe I didn't want to be judged.
Speaker 1: And so having a safe space that was confidential where
Speaker 1: I knew she wouldn't tell my business or anything like that,
Speaker 1: that was nice, but it wasn't a good fit.
Speaker 7: So talk to me about because there were multiple things
Speaker 7: that you said in there that I could imagine that
Speaker 7: that being your first experience with therapy, that would be
Speaker 7: the thing that would keep you from going back. Right
Speaker 7: if you're in therapy and your therapist is telling you
Speaker 7: about their problems and you don't necessarily feel like you
Speaker 7: have the space to share your own stuff, I could
Speaker 7: see where you would be like, I'm not coming back.
Speaker 1: Yes. That In addition to that, I remember she I'm
Speaker 1: very observant. I feel like, yeah, I'm very observant, and
Speaker 1: so I've not I noticed that when you talk to
Speaker 1: some people, they would they would sort of try to
Speaker 1: not diagnose you, but try to maybe just speak to
Speaker 1: you in a certain way that you just weren't feeling.
Speaker 1: And so she would say I might share something and
Speaker 1: she would just assume like, oh, this is the thing
Speaker 1: that's going on with you, and it's it's like not really,
Speaker 1: and I knew that wasn't it, but it was more
Speaker 1: So I'm sharing this with you to just give you
Speaker 1: some backstory, but I don't really need you to say.
Speaker 2: I don't know how to explain it. Does that make sense?
Speaker 5: Time?
Speaker 8: So what kept you in those moments? What kept you.
Speaker 7: From saying to her, hey lady, no, this is not no,
Speaker 7: this is not what I mean, like basically, like what
Speaker 7: kept you from advocating for yourself in that moment?
Speaker 2: Ooh, that's a really good question.
Speaker 4: One.
Speaker 1: I was in a different place in my journey. I
Speaker 1: actually it wasn't until one of my girlfriends recently told
Speaker 1: me that she got into an argument or something with
Speaker 1: her therapist. I didn't realize that it was that type
Speaker 1: of interaction or exchange It was, I think sometimes.
Speaker 2: And I was so young back then. I was just
Speaker 2: in the.
Speaker 1: Whole different space mentally, emotionally, self esteem wise, so I
Speaker 1: didn't think it was my place. Part of me kind
Speaker 1: of saw the therapist as the professional, the sort of
Speaker 1: the not parent, but the expert there you go, the
Speaker 1: authority figure.
Speaker 2: And I didn't know that it was like my space
Speaker 2: to do that.
Speaker 1: I didn't know I could do that, and I was
Speaker 1: just happy to be in somebody's chair talking about my problems,
Speaker 1: and so I didn't know, m.
Speaker 7: Yeah, because when I so when I hear that from
Speaker 7: the therapist perspective, what I hear is that she's trying
Speaker 7: to like hypothesize with me.
Speaker 8: Yes, right, And I.
Speaker 7: Think sometimes that it may depend on how that comes across.
Speaker 7: So one of the things that I might say, like
Speaker 7: if I had been in her position, one of the
Speaker 7: things that I may have said it was so, here's
Speaker 7: what I'm wondering, and then put it out there, right.
Speaker 7: And so just adding that piece, I think, at least
Speaker 7: to me and correct me if I'm not putting it
Speaker 7: right by putting it out there, by starting off by saying, well,
Speaker 7: here's what I'm wondering, or maybe this might be the perspective, like,
Speaker 7: so just phrasing it in the question first to me invites.
Speaker 8: Room for you to correct me if I'm wrong.
Speaker 1: I've had three therapists in my life, and my third
Speaker 1: therapist that's something she did very well, where we talk
Speaker 1: and she's like, well, I wonder if X y Z.
Speaker 1: And that gave me an opportunity to let her know
Speaker 1: what my thought was and where I was coming from,
Speaker 1: and also an opportunity to consider what she was sharing
Speaker 1: instead of her just giving me this sort of direct
Speaker 1: I guess hypothesis would be the word.
Speaker 7: Yeah, so giving you giving you this doctor almost as
Speaker 7: to say, as if to say, well, what I'm saying
Speaker 7: is the gold standard, exactly saying is the Bible truth.
Speaker 7: You have to follow what I've been agreed with what
Speaker 7: I'm saying. By offering the question, it gives you room
Speaker 7: to be back into the conversation. It puts it in
Speaker 7: a perspective of being equals in this journey.
Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely so.
Speaker 7: Another thing that you mentioned with this therapist was that
Speaker 7: they talked about themselves a lot. So talk to me
Speaker 7: a little bit about how that really made you feel.
Speaker 1: Now, I will say it's interesting because I've had other
Speaker 1: therapists do the same thing, but they did it in
Speaker 1: a way where they were connecting it to my story.
Speaker 1: And so for me when she did that, I felt like,
Speaker 1: I'm paying you money for me to come here, and
Speaker 1: we are on a time but we have a time
Speaker 1: frame here. We have a very clear hard we have
Speaker 1: a very hard, very clear hard stop sign. Right, this
Speaker 1: is a and so when you're sharing your stories, and
Speaker 1: it's becoming more of a it's just kind of being
Speaker 1: drawn out. It's sort of cutting into the time that
Speaker 1: I'm paying for. It's kind of wasting my time because
Speaker 1: your life experience and what you've been through the way
Speaker 1: that she was telling the story, it wasn't like a
Speaker 1: learning opportunity. It was kind of more like just oh,
Speaker 1: that's that I had the same experience, and it's just
Speaker 1: like oh, okay, okay, and yeah, like okay, but I did
Speaker 1: have another therapist that she would share her experience and say,
Speaker 1: you know what, there's a similar situation I went through.
Speaker 1: And I actually appreciated hearing her story because I could
Speaker 1: see how it connected and I could see what I
Speaker 1: could grab and grasp from her story for myself to
Speaker 1: use on my journey.
Speaker 7: Okay, and so what would you tell yourself back then
Speaker 7: on how to address that situation with the therapist?
Speaker 2: I think for me, you know what, I think, no
Speaker 2: one what I know now.
Speaker 1: I would probably come from a place of curiosity and
Speaker 1: just ask her is it customary for her to share
Speaker 1: her experiences in the session? Yes?
Speaker 8: Or no?
Speaker 1: Like that is that something that? And maybe what is
Speaker 1: the purpose or what are we trying what are we
Speaker 1: doing here? I wouldn't say it like that, I would
Speaker 1: say it taxically, but like, what is the purpose of
Speaker 1: this right?
Speaker 7: You wouldn't even have You don't even necessarily have to
Speaker 7: say it tactfully. I think, just a piece of advocating
Speaker 7: for yourself and asking the question, like what is customary
Speaker 7: here is this part of the process?
Speaker 8: How does this work in the process. I think that
Speaker 8: it's key.
Speaker 7: To not as a client, to not be afraid to
Speaker 7: ask the questions, like if you have concerns about what's
Speaker 7: happening in the therapy now, it is perfectly okay for.
Speaker 2: You to ask yes.
Speaker 1: And this is super random, but I just remembered I
Speaker 1: actually I've had four therapists in my life. I feel
Speaker 1: so good saying that. I feel so like liberated, because
Speaker 1: there was a time when that was looked at. It's
Speaker 1: something that was so like bad. There was a stigma,
Speaker 1: oh you're crazy. But I feel so empowered saying that
Speaker 1: because I am worthy of getting help for myself, because
Speaker 1: I can't handle all this shit by myself. Life is
Speaker 1: rough sometimes and you need to consult with someone, and
Speaker 1: so I think for me, it just feels so good
Speaker 1: to say that not in a not in a brag
Speaker 1: adocious way, but more of in a way of trying
Speaker 1: to destigmatize the stigma around it. So let people know, like, yo,
Speaker 1: I got to go on out here doing stuff and
Speaker 1: I got I've had four therapists.
Speaker 8: Yes, you know what, and that's how I got here. Yes,
Speaker 8: I've had helped you. We cannot be on this journey.
Speaker 1: Alone and we shouldn't be, you know, whether it's a
Speaker 1: hotline or you know, if you can't go to therapy,
Speaker 1: we do have resources on our site. If you go
Speaker 1: to her space podcast dot com and click on resources,
Speaker 1: we have resources there. So their domins talked about therapists
Speaker 1: offering sliding scales and so this is something available for
Speaker 1: h for a lot of people out there.
Speaker 7: And nowadays we have there's an app for everything, and
Speaker 7: there are apps for mental health.
Speaker 8: There are apps where you.
Speaker 7: Can go online and get guided meditation activities where you
Speaker 7: can get different information on how to manage anxiety, how
Speaker 7: to manage depression, and there are apps that and because
Speaker 7: we don't get paid advertisements.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, we don't put.
Speaker 8: Out there. You can find them on our website.
Speaker 7: Uh, there are multiple apps that you can utilize that
Speaker 7: will provide therapy, like will provide you with connections to
Speaker 7: live therapists.
Speaker 2: And Dob might have a question for you.
Speaker 1: Okay, So my question is when you typically begin seeing
Speaker 1: a new clients, like what does that first session look like?
Speaker 2: And what is the goal?
Speaker 1: And like what are some of the questions you might
Speaker 1: ask for someone that might be wondering like what.
Speaker 2: Do I expect? I don't even know?
Speaker 1: And Okay, I got like a ton of questions for
Speaker 1: you that will cover that first, and then I want
Speaker 1: to talk about the confidentiality piece because I know for
Speaker 1: me when I first started going to therapy, I was
Speaker 1: just like it feels so weird, like telling someone on
Speaker 1: my business and then I know they probably have to
Speaker 1: take notes or like where's this going to go?
Speaker 8: All that?
Speaker 7: Okay, So the first question of what happens like kind
Speaker 7: of like in that first session? Well, I think so
Speaker 7: it varies depending on the setting in which you're seeing
Speaker 7: a therapist. And so you can be seeing a therapist
Speaker 7: in who's in like private practice, so you go to
Speaker 7: their office and it's in an office building or a
Speaker 7: house or some type of setup like that, or you
Speaker 7: might be seeing a therapist if like where I work
Speaker 7: on a college campus, or if you're a veteran, you
Speaker 7: might be seeing a therapist at the VA. So there,
Speaker 7: and there are lots of other configurations on how we
Speaker 7: might receive therapy. The general setup is that in that
Speaker 7: initial session, the therapist is trying to get to know you.
Speaker 8: But one of the things that I always like to
Speaker 8: stress to people is that that's also an opportunity for
Speaker 8: you as the client, to get to know the therapists.
Speaker 2: How do you ask them questions? Or yes, you see,
Speaker 2: I've never done that before.
Speaker 1: I feel like they usually volunteer information, but I never
Speaker 1: even thought like, I never saw it as that way.
Speaker 1: So I think this is so important, like that we're
Speaker 1: having a conversation and to share that, because sometimes when
Speaker 1: you see someone as an authority figure, you're just like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm just going to sit and I'll do what you say.
Speaker 1: You ask questions, I'll answer like I never thought about
Speaker 1: what would I even ask my therapist.
Speaker 7: So I constantly tell students to like, I constantly say well,
Speaker 7: do you have any questions for me? And usually when
Speaker 7: I start off the first session, I'll tell them at
Speaker 7: the beginning that I kind of give them an overview
Speaker 7: this is a process where I'm going to be asking
Speaker 7: a lot of questions. Questions might seem unrelated, some of
Speaker 7: the questions may seem uncomfortable. But stick with the process.
Speaker 7: Trust the process. That's one of my favorite phrases. Trust
Speaker 7: the process. And if at any point throughout this process
Speaker 7: any questions come up for you, feel free to stop
Speaker 7: me and ask no matter what the question is, because
Speaker 7: this therapy session is for you. And so I constantly
Speaker 7: try to strive and stress to people that, like you
Speaker 7: mentioned before, this is a surface that you are caing for,
Speaker 7: so advocate for yourself. The therapy is the perfect space
Speaker 7: for you to try things out that you might be
Speaker 7: scared to do in your real life.
Speaker 8: Right, So, if you struggle.
Speaker 7: With advocating for yourself, therapy is that space where you
Speaker 7: can practice and let's say it doesn't go right, let's
Speaker 7: say it's hell awkward. That's the space where you do
Speaker 7: it is hella awkward? You and your therapist process why
Speaker 7: it is hella awkward, and then you practice until you
Speaker 7: get better at it.
Speaker 8: That's what therapy is for.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that makes perfect sense. Ooh, this is I'm excited
Speaker 1: for this conversation. I'm taking my own loan notes and
Speaker 1: I'm learning, and so I think about you do want.
Speaker 7: To go back to you because I realized I didn't
Speaker 7: answer your other questions about confidentiationy right, and so but
Speaker 7: before I get to that, I do want to say that,
Speaker 7: like generally, that first session, we are asking a lot
Speaker 7: of questions to kind of get.
Speaker 8: To know your background.
Speaker 7: Okay, in some settings, we have to come up with
Speaker 7: a diagnosis, especially if you're using insurance and we have
Speaker 7: to build an insurance company, we have to provide a diagnosis,
Speaker 7: and so we're gathering information to kind of figure out
Speaker 7: what your potential diagnosis might be.
Speaker 1: Ooh, that makes me think of something. So one of
Speaker 1: my old therapists we were working together, and I think
Speaker 1: my diagnosis may have been like depression and anxiety. And
Speaker 1: at one point I was doing really, really well and
Speaker 1: she basically it was so interesting to have this conversation,
Speaker 1: but she basically said that I was doing very good,
Speaker 1: which was great, but I guess the insurance wouldn't cover
Speaker 1: it because I now didn't have those same the same
Speaker 1: diagnosis that I had initially.
Speaker 2: Is that sound about right?
Speaker 8: That might happen depending on your insurance provide.
Speaker 1: Okay, Yes, we had that conversation. I was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, I kind of want to just still
Speaker 1: come see you because I want to maintain this level
Speaker 1: that I'm at. But it sounded like based on my insurance,
Speaker 1: and I guess what insurance she took. If you were
Speaker 1: doing well to a certain point, it's like, okay, like
Speaker 1: you're off to go fly, which is good too, because
Speaker 1: I think it's a great source of sort of empowerment.
Speaker 1: And I think for me, my goal was always how
Speaker 1: can I become self sufficient? Like I just as an individual,
Speaker 1: I do not look down on any medications or any continued.
Speaker 2: Support, but I do want to I.
Speaker 1: Want to ideally just be to a place where I
Speaker 1: know the addictions run in my family. So I'm very like,
Speaker 1: you know, leary of just using things because I know
Speaker 1: that that runs in my family. I don't want to
Speaker 1: become addicted to anything. And so for me, it's always like,
Speaker 1: how can I reach a level of like internal peace
Speaker 1: or at least gain tools for myself where I can
Speaker 1: depend on that and get help as needed because I
Speaker 1: know where it's at, but also be able to like
Speaker 1: sustain myself.
Speaker 8: If that makes sense, Yes, it does. The things within that.
Speaker 7: If we're going to have an addiction, an addiction to
Speaker 7: therapy is not a bad thing if you are doing
Speaker 7: the work right. So if you are using therapy to
Speaker 7: grow and you're addicted to growing, I don't necessarily look
Speaker 7: at that as a bad thing.
Speaker 8: And again I own that bias, but.
Speaker 7: That's not necessarily a bad thing. However, my goal, and
Speaker 7: I can't speak for all therapies out there.
Speaker 8: But my goal when I'm working with students is to
Speaker 8: get them to a.
Speaker 7: Point where they have developed the skills within themselves that
Speaker 7: they don't need me anymore. We all have the potential
Speaker 7: in ourselves. We are all our own experts on.
Speaker 8: Our own lives.
Speaker 7: My job as the therapist is to help you tap
Speaker 7: into that, is to help you reach your inner great,
Speaker 7: excellent self, to help you reach your black girl magic.
Speaker 8: Yes, I want to get back to because I know
Speaker 8: we keep veering off.
Speaker 7: To go back to the confidentiality piece, right that essentially,
Speaker 7: as a therapist, I keep what you say confidential, right,
Speaker 7: So what that means is that you could come in
Speaker 7: and there might be things is that you don't feel comfortable.
Speaker 7: I kind of this is an interesting thing. It's almost
Speaker 7: similar to in the Catholic Church, going to the priest
Speaker 7: for confession. Right that basically the priest has to hold
Speaker 7: everything confidential.
Speaker 8: Right, the priest can't share anything. It's between you.
Speaker 7: Priests and God. So with therapy we keep those things.
Speaker 7: We violate confidentiality if it means that someone that someone
Speaker 7: is at risk. Right, So if you tell me that
Speaker 7: you are like you have a plan to harm yourself,
Speaker 7: to harm other people, if you tell me about abuse
Speaker 7: for yourself an elderly person or person with disabilities, then
Speaker 7: I have to do something about that. I'm what's called
Speaker 7: a mandated reporter, just like your teachers and school system
Speaker 7: and just like daycare workers, Like there are certain people
Speaker 7: who are mandated record I'm a mandated reporterer.
Speaker 1: In that sense that makes perfect sense. And so I
Speaker 1: think I have an idea of the type of you
Speaker 1: said you kind of asked like introductory questions to learn
Speaker 1: about the person, and there was something else. Oh, I
Speaker 1: guess what kind of questions should someone ask the therapist
Speaker 1: in that first session or like what questions do you
Speaker 1: get asked? Because I'm literally going to use this because
Speaker 1: I've never really intentionally asked questions because I'll usually do
Speaker 1: research online, look at testimonials, and then they provide information.
Speaker 2: In the beginning.
Speaker 1: But I never really I don't really know what to ask.
Speaker 7: So what would you want to know about the therapists?
Speaker 7: What would make you feel comfortable being in the room
Speaker 7: with that therapist?
Speaker 1: To be honest, I feel like it's all the stuff
Speaker 1: that they put on their website, so the situations they
Speaker 1: typically handle, their background degrees, all that stuff, qualifications. Any testimonials,
Speaker 1: I know, let me think. I mean, I guess it
Speaker 1: might be nice to know if they've been through like
Speaker 1: a specific situation that you might be struggling with, But
Speaker 1: that's like the only thing that comes to mind for me.
Speaker 1: It's just I feel like this is a door that's
Speaker 1: just opened in my mind where it's like I can
Speaker 1: ask you questions too, Like that literally never created in mind.
Speaker 1: So I'm just like, what what kind of what do
Speaker 1: I want to ask?
Speaker 7: You know? And so I think that's the thing, is
Speaker 7: like it's really about asking the questions that would make
Speaker 7: you feel comfortable.
Speaker 8: And so that's going to vary from person to person.
Speaker 7: So I've had people that have asked because maybe like
Speaker 7: particularly like I said, because I'm on a college campus,
Speaker 7: I've had people maybe.
Speaker 8: Ask me, well, where did you go to school? What
Speaker 8: are your degrees in?
Speaker 7: Because even though those things might be available online, that
Speaker 7: might not be not everybody might Everyone might not go
Speaker 7: to the website.
Speaker 2: Okay, right, Interesting, some.
Speaker 7: People might ask, well, what is your theoretical orientation? So
Speaker 7: basically like, what theories have I do I utilize within
Speaker 7: the therapy processing?
Speaker 8: What's my approach to therapy?
Speaker 2: That's a good one.
Speaker 7: And those questions come from people like oftentimes for people
Speaker 7: who have done research or who are like in the
Speaker 7: field of mental health. Okay, most people wouldn't know, and
Speaker 7: I wouldn't expect most people to know to ask those
Speaker 7: particular questions. But when I say the key thing that
Speaker 7: I really say is again going back to asking the
Speaker 7: questions that will make you feel comfortable to work with
Speaker 7: that particular person.
Speaker 1: I just thought of a question because I just I
Speaker 1: had a session last week because I told well, I
Speaker 1: think I said in our last episode it's a rough
Speaker 1: time for me. I'm still going through and I went
Speaker 1: to a session. I've been going to therapy. I went
Speaker 1: to a session last week and my therapist mentioned to
Speaker 1: me that she was working through something with her therapists,
Speaker 1: and I wanted to get up and like shout like
Speaker 1: they did back in church, because I was like, this
Speaker 1: is so dope, because I think it's so important for
Speaker 1: your leaders and your mentors to have leaders and mentors
Speaker 1: that they look up to.
Speaker 2: Your therapist should have a therapist.
Speaker 1: And the fact that she said that it just was
Speaker 1: so comforting to me because what I noticed about myself
Speaker 1: sometimes is that.
Speaker 2: I will.
Speaker 1: When other people need help, I'm like, oh, oh yeah,
Speaker 1: get help.
Speaker 2: You're a human being, like, go do it.
Speaker 1: But when I need help, I'm like super judgment utiel
Speaker 1: sometimes and sometimes I don't hold space for myself to
Speaker 1: get help because it's like, you got.
Speaker 2: To be strong.
Speaker 1: You've always had to be strong. You've always had to
Speaker 1: be this, you know, this mother figure role, and you've
Speaker 1: always had to keep things together.
Speaker 2: You got to keep it together.
Speaker 1: And I went to a session the session I went
Speaker 1: to last week, it was a little more emotional, and
Speaker 1: I was just like I told my therapist, I was like,
Speaker 1: I just want to say that I'm feeling a little
Speaker 1: like I'm feeling very vulnerable right now. So I'm going
Speaker 1: through a difficult time and I feel like sometimes when
Speaker 1: I go to therapy. It might just be to talk,
Speaker 1: but this is like, I really like I need a
Speaker 1: support right now, like I really do, because I don't
Speaker 1: feel like I can just do it on my own.
Speaker 1: I need that extra support, I need the I just
Speaker 1: need that extra layer there for me. And so and
Speaker 1: sharing that with her, she was just saying how courageous
Speaker 1: it is to say that and then to also be there.
Speaker 2: And I was just like, when she said she's going
Speaker 2: to therapy, I'm like, Oh, that's cool. She's going to
Speaker 2: therapy too.
Speaker 8: Oh that's so cool.
Speaker 1: It's not just me, like it makes me feel like
Speaker 1: I'm not the only one.
Speaker 2: And so, even though we had.
Speaker 1: These conversations and their stigma around it, sometimes there's a
Speaker 1: little judgment that comes from within, especially what I really.
Speaker 7: Need help, And it's about giving yourself some compassion, about
Speaker 7: being kind.
Speaker 8: And gentle with yourself when you need it most.
Speaker 7: Like you mentioned, we can be our own worst critic, right,
Speaker 7: But the idea but going to therapy, what I tell
Speaker 7: people is that going to therapy takes a level of courage,
Speaker 7: takes a level of vulnerability, that it's hard. It's hard,
Speaker 7: and so as a therapist, like I always feel.
Speaker 8: Honored that I've been allowed to.
Speaker 7: Be in that space, that I'm the person that you've
Speaker 7: chosen to share your vulnerability with.
Speaker 8: And I don't take that lightly.
Speaker 7: And so I think that it's therapy is just one
Speaker 7: of those things that is really it can be really,
Speaker 7: really powerful.
Speaker 8: When we're willing to actually do the work.
Speaker 7: And it's so interesting because there was an article that
Speaker 7: recently came out that was shared amongst some of my
Speaker 7: people in the therapy world about what our clients are
Speaker 7: not telling us.
Speaker 2: Must be reading my mind over there.
Speaker 7: And so one of the things that as I'm thinking
Speaker 7: about this idea of being vulnerable and being courageous, one
Speaker 7: of the things that I think about is recognizing that
Speaker 7: a client coming into the therapy room is sharing forty
Speaker 7: five to sixty minutes of what a two week, three week,
Speaker 7: in some instances a month out of their life. That's
Speaker 7: only a tiny fraction of their life. So like, I
Speaker 7: recognize that I'm not getting everything, but I can only
Speaker 7: help you with the information that you give me. So
Speaker 7: I can only give you the tools to grow based.
Speaker 8: On what you share.
Speaker 7: So if you're telling me that you're having difficulties in
Speaker 7: your relationship with your partner, but you're not giving me.
Speaker 7: If you're painting a picture that your partner is the
Speaker 7: only person who is doing wrong. I can only help
Speaker 7: you navigate that situation based on what who are providing me.
Speaker 1: That makes perfect sense, and it makes me think about
Speaker 1: the fact that when I feel like this third round
Speaker 1: of therapy for me was the time when I got
Speaker 1: super vulnerable. But it literally took a year for me,
Speaker 1: Like I was going to sessions. I think it was
Speaker 1: what every two weeks I was going to sessions. I
Speaker 1: was building a great relationship with my therapist, and it's
Speaker 1: really like any other relationship. You I want to get comfortable,
Speaker 1: you want to just see how much you can tell
Speaker 1: them and how they'll react, because there was definitely fear
Speaker 1: of judgment, and I felt like this was a period
Speaker 1: where I went all in and shared things that I
Speaker 1: had never shared before, and it was so freeing to
Speaker 1: get that shit off my chest and you're just like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I'm not holding that. And I also
Speaker 1: got to hear a perspective on what was going on
Speaker 1: and how to deal with it. But the fact that
Speaker 1: it took me a year to do that, I was
Speaker 1: just like, I mean, I know, she I know it's
Speaker 1: safe here, but it literally still took a year. It
Speaker 1: took about a year for me to actually like cry
Speaker 1: in a session because I don't like to cry in
Speaker 1: front of people, and so it just took a long
Speaker 1: time to get to that point where I'm like, oh
Speaker 1: my gosh, I don't want to be crying right now,
Speaker 1: but I'll just And it's a sensitive topic, and I
Speaker 1: think about the fact that you said it to work.
Speaker 1: And I remember when I spoke to my therapist and
Speaker 1: I after a year started talking about some of the
Speaker 1: sexual abuse that I endured as a child. And when
Speaker 1: we started talking about that, it got emotional. I realized
Speaker 1: that my inner child needs so much healing, which I've
Speaker 1: been working on. I'm just like, oh my gosh, the
Speaker 1: inner child just keeps coming up at all these different
Speaker 1: phases of my life. And it was just so it
Speaker 1: was just mind blowing to me to have that experience
Speaker 1: in therapy, sharing that those personal details and just to
Speaker 1: know that you can make it so far and still
Speaker 1: internally have so much healing to do.
Speaker 2: And yeah, it was just it was deep.
Speaker 8: It's work, it is, and.
Speaker 1: Trust the trust the process, because I definitely wanted to
Speaker 1: like leave for a little bit. I'm like, oh, she
Speaker 1: was like, wow, we're still talking about this, and was
Speaker 1: making statements about what I was sharing, and she's like
Speaker 1: a lot of people they were just like they would
Speaker 1: be ghost on me right now. And I'm like really,
Speaker 1: and in my mind I was thinking about that too.
Speaker 1: People just leave therapy. I feel like this is a commitment.
Speaker 1: I got to show up. But it's like no people do,
Speaker 1: especially when it gets hard. And sometimes I have homework
Speaker 1: where it's like I want you to go home and
Speaker 1: do this and have this conversation or do this with
Speaker 1: yourself and process and it's just like yo, going back
Speaker 1: into that stuff that happen to you. I mean, it
Speaker 1: takes a lot of courage and I feel really proud
Speaker 1: of myself for being for doing it with the help,
Speaker 1: but it really is it's a lot.
Speaker 8: It is a lot, and you should be proud of yourself.
Speaker 8: Thank you, kudos to.
Speaker 7: You, pat yourself on the back, because that does take
Speaker 7: a lot of work, and sometimes depending on what you're
Speaker 7: going to therapy for, it can feel and appear worse
Speaker 7: before it appears better.
Speaker 8: So true and don't give up on the process, you know,
Speaker 8: trust the process.
Speaker 7: That it may feel so hard, and there may be
Speaker 7: points where you are in therapy and you're like every
Speaker 7: session you're balling your eyes out and you're like, this
Speaker 7: is I leave the session feeling worse than when I
Speaker 7: came in. Trust the process and know that if you
Speaker 7: keep putting in the work, it will get better.
Speaker 2: It will get better.
Speaker 7: I think about you know, they say, what's that phrase
Speaker 7: that we learned in elementary school, April showers bring may flowers?
Speaker 7: Not realistically we know, like, for instance, right here in
Speaker 7: the Bay Area their showers in May, so where are
Speaker 7: my flowers?
Speaker 8: Like?
Speaker 7: But what that phrase really says to me in terms
Speaker 7: of relating it to therapy is that you've got to
Speaker 7: have the ugly stuff. You got to get through the
Speaker 7: ugly stuff to get to the beauty of it first, Right,
Speaker 7: You've got to do the work to get to the
Speaker 7: other side, and if you stick with it, you will
Speaker 7: get to the other side.
Speaker 8: But I get it.
Speaker 7: I totally understand why some people, depending on where you
Speaker 7: are in life too.
Speaker 8: I think that's the other thing of like, in terms.
Speaker 7: Of where you are in life, how that relates to
Speaker 7: your readiness for change.
Speaker 8: You might enter.
Speaker 7: Therapy at one point and it's like, yeah, I mean,
Speaker 7: I'm here because I knew that therapy was a.
Speaker 8: Good idea, But I'm not ready to dive in.
Speaker 7: I have a launder list of things happening in my
Speaker 7: outside world and my day to day life that I
Speaker 7: don't have the capacity to come into the therapy room
Speaker 7: for one hour every two weeks to dive into all
Speaker 7: my trauma and then get out in the real world
Speaker 7: and tackle my laundry list.
Speaker 8: I'm not ready. Well, you know what, Keep going to therapy,
Speaker 8: talk about whatever it is that's coming up for you.
Speaker 7: In the moment, because I guarantee you what's coming up
Speaker 7: for you in the moment is connected.
Speaker 8: To your trauma, right And eventually, if you hang in there,
Speaker 8: eventually you like you said, it took you a year,
Speaker 8: but eventually you'll get to that space where you.
Speaker 7: Are ready to dive into the heavier stuff. Or even
Speaker 7: if you might not have experienced trauma in your life,
Speaker 7: it may take you a while to really dive into
Speaker 7: unearthing all of the patterns that from childhood that might
Speaker 7: be currently impacting your relationships, but stick with it. Statistically,
Speaker 7: what we know is that some therapy is even if
Speaker 7: it's like your first therapy experience where you said you
Speaker 7: really did not have a good real match with that therapist.
Speaker 7: Some therapy statistically is better than no therapy at all.
Speaker 1: And that makes me think about, like, what are the
Speaker 1: benefits of therapy right and I think for me, some
Speaker 1: of the top benefits. I mean, when you think about
Speaker 1: the people that are in your corner, right, there were
Speaker 1: typically like my bestie. My best friend is like the
Speaker 1: one and only, like she is the my ride or
Speaker 1: died for years and so we know everything about each other.
Speaker 1: That's the person I call, like, girl, let me tell
Speaker 1: you what happened. She's married with you know, with the kid,
Speaker 1: and she's on the East coast and so the time
Speaker 1: difference is crazy, and so sometimes.
Speaker 2: We wouldn't be able to catch up.
Speaker 1: And then I thought, you know, sometimes it's a heavy
Speaker 1: burden on her to handle all my stuff and then
Speaker 1: we'd be switching baggage kind of like giving each other
Speaker 1: advice and it'd be wearing on us both or it
Speaker 1: has the capacity to do that. But I think having
Speaker 1: someone that I'm paying that's guaranteed to be there for
Speaker 1: me and be able to let me just unload my
Speaker 1: stuff and also know how to listen because everyone can
Speaker 1: hear your stuff, but everyone may not know how to
Speaker 1: handle it. And so being with a professional that's there
Speaker 1: to handle it and manage it and know how to
Speaker 1: respond accordingly and challenge and support you and all that
Speaker 1: good stuff that was really important for me.
Speaker 2: So having a.
Speaker 1: Safe space to unload and not having to wait on you,
Speaker 1: my friend, or my family's schedule on when they could talk,
Speaker 1: and having them give like a very lazier, irresponsible response.
Speaker 1: I think that was key for me. And also doing
Speaker 1: the work. I'm the kind of person I'm like overachieved.
Speaker 1: I just want to get an A plus and everything.
Speaker 2: And so for me, I.
Speaker 1: Have become a lot better and I'm very interested in
Speaker 1: diving into my shit, like I want to know how
Speaker 1: can we.
Speaker 2: Make this teary person like a better person?
Speaker 1: Like how can I be the best me? And therapy
Speaker 1: allows me to have a safe space to explore that
Speaker 1: and not be judged. And then I want to think
Speaker 1: of like a third benefit. I would say, I think
Speaker 1: the third benefit for me is you get a lot
Speaker 1: of great language for what you're going through so that
Speaker 1: you can help someone else. But also you can just
Speaker 1: have the knowledge and the capacity and articulation to explain
Speaker 1: what you're going through. Like I was saying, I struggle
Speaker 1: with anxiety and depression for almost.
Speaker 2: My whole life.
Speaker 1: I didn't know that's what it was. I just thought, Oh,
Speaker 1: I just have all these thoughts.
Speaker 2: My mind is just racing all the time.
Speaker 1: Oh I get really sad, and this happens a lot,
Speaker 1: and I stay there for a long time. And when
Speaker 1: you don't have language for it, it's hard to find
Speaker 1: a cure and coping mechanism. So those are my top
Speaker 1: three benefits of therapy, and.
Speaker 7: I will let those benefits see for themselves, because again
Speaker 7: I'm going to acknowledge that bias in encouraging everyone to
Speaker 7: go to therapy and to not be afraid to ask
Speaker 7: for what you want in that therapy process. If you
Speaker 7: have a preference, I know oftentimes it feels a lot
Speaker 7: better to talk to someone.
Speaker 8: Who looks like us or who we fee. Then we
Speaker 8: can identify this.
Speaker 7: So if your preference is to see a black female therapist, then.
Speaker 8: Look for that advocate for that.
Speaker 7: If they don't have any in your area, it's okay
Speaker 7: to ask the therapist that you might be seeing, what
Speaker 7: is their experience in working with black women and trust
Speaker 7: your instincts. If you are working with a therapist, whether
Speaker 7: they look like you or not, if it does not
Speaker 7: feel good, have a conversation with that therapist. So before
Speaker 7: you say I'm just gonna quit therapy, talk to your therapist.
Speaker 1: First, like a real relationship, because we don't just leave
Speaker 1: a relationship as soon as it doesn't fit right. We
Speaker 1: ask questions and all that exactly.
Speaker 7: And this goes back to what I was saying in
Speaker 7: the very beginning about one of the biggest unspoken goals
Speaker 7: of therapy is teaching you how to advocate for yourself
Speaker 7: and creating that space for you to practice the skills
Speaker 7: that you.
Speaker 8: Want to apply in the real world. So, if you
Speaker 8: are unhappy with something that's happening in the therapy space,
Speaker 8: say something.
Speaker 7: Have a conversation with your therapist about it so that
Speaker 7: you all can work through it.
Speaker 8: And again, like you said, that gives you an opportunity
Speaker 8: to practice.
Speaker 7: How to navigate conflict, how to advocate for yourself, and
Speaker 7: hopefully your therapist is willing to dive into that conversation
Speaker 7: with you and process.
Speaker 8: With you what is happening and why it might be happening.
Speaker 7: And so with that I want to encourage everyone to
Speaker 7: seek out a therapists. Know that you don't have to
Speaker 7: be in therapy for the rest of your life, but
Speaker 7: if you are, that's okay too. On our website and
Speaker 7: in our show notes and our social media so you
Speaker 7: will be able to find lots of information on how
Speaker 7: to seek access to mental health professionals in your area.
Speaker 7: Please note that our show may contain conversations about self help, advice,
Speaker 7: self empowerment, and mental health, but it is by no
Speaker 7: means meant to be a substitute for an ongoing formal
Speaker 7: relationship with a trained mental health provider. If you are
Speaker 7: someone you know is in need of mental health care,
Speaker 7: please visit the Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology today
Speaker 7: or contact your insurance provider.
Speaker 1: If you liked what you heard and want to keep
Speaker 1: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and
Speaker 1: Twitter at her Space podcast or check out our website
Speaker 1: at herspacepodcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat
Speaker 1: after me I released what no longer serves me to
Speaker 1: manifest what I desire.
Speaker 3: Thanks for joining us.
Speaker 8: We'll see you next week.
Speaker 2: Lady