1 00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:03,840 Speaker 1: This is the Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous podcast 2 00:00:03,880 --> 00:00:04,680 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. 3 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:08,240 Speaker 2: One of our favorite segments in the Almost Famous podcast 4 00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:10,360 Speaker 2: is almost good Advice. We come to you with some 5 00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:13,560 Speaker 2: of your questions that you've written in to Ashley and myself. 6 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:15,680 Speaker 2: We always get excited to answer the questions or just 7 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:18,079 Speaker 2: work through them with you. We can't promise the best answers, 8 00:00:18,079 --> 00:00:21,319 Speaker 2: but we can have promised some almost good advice. The 9 00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:24,080 Speaker 2: first one comes from Corrn. It says this, I've been 10 00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:26,360 Speaker 2: working in the same job for over five years, and 11 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:30,320 Speaker 2: while I appreciate this ability, I don't find it fulfilling anymore. 12 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:33,280 Speaker 2: I dream of pursuing a career in graphic design, but 13 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:36,960 Speaker 2: I'm terrified of leaving my current position and starting over. 14 00:00:37,479 --> 00:00:39,600 Speaker 2: How do I find the courage to make this leap 15 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,720 Speaker 2: and turn my passion into a career. 16 00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:45,680 Speaker 3: I wonder what she's doing currently, if it has anything 17 00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:50,840 Speaker 3: to do in the Grassip graphic design territory. I'm working 18 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:55,680 Speaker 3: with sam job for five years. I think that how 19 00:00:55,800 --> 00:01:00,520 Speaker 3: to find the courage, Well, you know what can help 20 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:05,039 Speaker 3: you a little bit is if you start working like 21 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:10,000 Speaker 3: a little freelance somewhere in graphic design, whether you start 22 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:13,959 Speaker 3: doing something on your own. That way, you have dipped 23 00:01:13,959 --> 00:01:19,840 Speaker 3: your toe into that pool. Maybe you're already making contacts. 24 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:24,120 Speaker 3: You're just you know, you're getting a feel for the industry, 25 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:27,160 Speaker 3: and then you can leave your job, because then you'd 26 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:29,880 Speaker 3: feel a little bit just more secure in your decision. 27 00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:32,640 Speaker 3: You're making sure that it's something that you really do 28 00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:37,240 Speaker 3: feel a passion for and one end a field that 29 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:38,360 Speaker 3: you think you could excel in. 30 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:44,399 Speaker 2: Ashley, it's such good advice. Really, I was going to say, 31 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:46,920 Speaker 2: the only thing I could speak of to this question 32 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:49,800 Speaker 2: is my own experience. And so when I started Generous Coffee, 33 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:53,960 Speaker 2: I was working a full time job in financial services. 34 00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:55,880 Speaker 2: What a lot of people don't know is I work 35 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,320 Speaker 2: that job in financial services still two years after I 36 00:01:59,400 --> 00:01:59,960 Speaker 2: was the Bachelor. 37 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:03,040 Speaker 3: Yeah, Like when we started the podcast, in the first 38 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,720 Speaker 3: couple of months, I was like, Ben, you should probably 39 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:09,120 Speaker 3: cut But it was exactly what you probably should have 40 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:10,880 Speaker 3: done because you had the fallback. 41 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:13,920 Speaker 2: Exactly. I had the fallback. I had the insurance, I 42 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,120 Speaker 2: had the retirement, you know, I had the things that 43 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:18,919 Speaker 2: were stable. And it wasn't until I felt like, hey, 44 00:02:18,919 --> 00:02:22,960 Speaker 2: I can take this risk. Now still risky, but at 45 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:26,800 Speaker 2: least I am more set up to go on my 46 00:02:26,919 --> 00:02:30,359 Speaker 2: own and if that doesn't work in six months seven months, 47 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,600 Speaker 2: then I will at least be able to find hopefully 48 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:35,960 Speaker 2: a new job. And you know how many years in 49 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:39,680 Speaker 2: and I haven't had to go back yet to Corporate America, 50 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:44,040 Speaker 2: which I'm very thankful for. But actually i'd say part 51 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:46,280 Speaker 2: of that, you know, part of the thing not mentioned here. 52 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:48,520 Speaker 2: I think your advice is perfect. So I was kind 53 00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:52,600 Speaker 2: of moonlight starting Generous as I was working for the 54 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,920 Speaker 2: financial services company and I was doing iHeart kind of 55 00:02:55,919 --> 00:02:58,120 Speaker 2: the three of them, and so I was doing this 56 00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:03,480 Speaker 2: podcast in the evenings or after work or during my 57 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,640 Speaker 2: lunch break, and then I was work at home and 58 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:08,120 Speaker 2: work on Generous and do you know, work pretty much 59 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,080 Speaker 2: to the rest of the evening. There's things I had 60 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:12,359 Speaker 2: to sacrifice during that season of life, right, A lot 61 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,400 Speaker 2: of friends. I couldn't hang out with, a lot of 62 00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:16,640 Speaker 2: nights out, I couldn't do a lot of travel I 63 00:03:16,639 --> 00:03:18,840 Speaker 2: had to say no to because I was working really 64 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:23,040 Speaker 2: hard to try to build this thing Generous that I 65 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:26,520 Speaker 2: was really passionate about. So that is the downside, you 66 00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:29,280 Speaker 2: know you are, I think, Kinn. The best option here 67 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,560 Speaker 2: is for you to probably put in more hours than 68 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:36,200 Speaker 2: you've ever expected to build up this kind of freelance 69 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:42,400 Speaker 2: graphic design portfolio that then you could feel more comfortable 70 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:44,480 Speaker 2: going out on your own with or you at least 71 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:48,040 Speaker 2: would have the experience and understand the terminology, understand what 72 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:50,680 Speaker 2: people are looking for more, just in case you wanted 73 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:53,960 Speaker 2: to apply for a job with another business in graphic 74 00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:56,200 Speaker 2: design specifically. And so I think there's a lot of 75 00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:59,040 Speaker 2: lessons learned that you could do when you freelance in 76 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:02,000 Speaker 2: the evenings that would probably be very helpful for you 77 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:03,920 Speaker 2: if you ever want to go into corporate American and 78 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,240 Speaker 2: do it. And so that's how I would do it. 79 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:07,400 Speaker 2: That's how you So you know, I don't know if 80 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:09,640 Speaker 2: courage is exactly the right word here. I think it 81 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,680 Speaker 2: does take courage to try anything on your own, and 82 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:13,560 Speaker 2: I think it takes a lot of risk, but I 83 00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:16,960 Speaker 2: think there's some ways to alleviate the risk and also 84 00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:19,320 Speaker 2: make it so it isn't so stressful and it isn't 85 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:22,680 Speaker 2: so anxiety driven. So maybe courage isn't necessarily the word 86 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:26,400 Speaker 2: I would use. I would just say the fortitude to 87 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,760 Speaker 2: take the step to try to work more hours, to 88 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:32,760 Speaker 2: get some experience so that you're more likely to get 89 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:34,320 Speaker 2: a job when you do apply. 90 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:37,080 Speaker 3: Yeah, totally great advice, Ben. 91 00:04:37,279 --> 00:04:38,839 Speaker 2: I think you said it first. I just said the 92 00:04:38,839 --> 00:04:40,360 Speaker 2: same thing you did, just in a different. 93 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:43,240 Speaker 3: Way, but in a very much more articular. 94 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,559 Speaker 2: Dale is up next. He says, I work long hours 95 00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:49,400 Speaker 2: at my job, and I often find myself bringing work home. 96 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:51,640 Speaker 2: My personal life is suffering because of it, and I 97 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:54,240 Speaker 2: feel guilty for wanting to take time for myself. How 98 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:57,359 Speaker 2: can I set healthy boundaries between work and personal life 99 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:00,240 Speaker 2: while still being seen as a committed employee. 100 00:05:01,279 --> 00:05:03,200 Speaker 3: Well, you go first on this one. 101 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:04,919 Speaker 2: There there's a few questions I would ask you. Do 102 00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:05,520 Speaker 2: you have a family? 103 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:07,680 Speaker 3: Yeah, because I was gonna say, I was like, this 104 00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:10,760 Speaker 3: is very simple. It's like your wife at home, as 105 00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:13,520 Speaker 3: she annoyed at this, do you have kids that you're 106 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:14,400 Speaker 3: not playing with? 107 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:17,520 Speaker 2: Well, he doesn't bring up family within this whole conversation. 108 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:19,720 Speaker 2: He just says personal life. And I feel like if 109 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:22,120 Speaker 2: you had a family, now, a family's different, Dale. I 110 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,120 Speaker 2: think if you have a family, you have to put 111 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,159 Speaker 2: your stake in the ground. You have to leave work 112 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:29,200 Speaker 2: as often as you can at work. Your family one 113 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:34,040 Speaker 2: is about as interested in your work as there probably 114 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:36,800 Speaker 2: is interested as anybody, but it's not that interesting to them. 115 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,640 Speaker 2: They don't want to hear about your struggles. They don't 116 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:41,200 Speaker 2: want to hear about all the things you have to 117 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:42,960 Speaker 2: do now. They do probably want to sit with you 118 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:46,120 Speaker 2: in some of your pains and frustrations at work and say, hey, 119 00:05:47,279 --> 00:05:48,560 Speaker 2: let me hear it. I want to know where you're 120 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:50,279 Speaker 2: at in life. I want to hear more about your job. 121 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:53,800 Speaker 2: But there's also a respect factor there where for the 122 00:05:53,839 --> 00:05:55,640 Speaker 2: next four hours of your evening that you get to 123 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:58,480 Speaker 2: spend with your family and kids, they probably don't want 124 00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:01,000 Speaker 2: to just hear about how your job is so hard 125 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:04,080 Speaker 2: or all the struggles. They also want you to stap 126 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:07,080 Speaker 2: out of it at some point and just enjoy being home. Now. 127 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:11,000 Speaker 2: If you're single, Dale, because that's what I'm assuming you are, 128 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:16,240 Speaker 2: then I think there is this as you get older, 129 00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:19,480 Speaker 2: there is this process of learning how to leave work. 130 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:23,520 Speaker 2: At work, you know, you have to start preparing for 131 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,719 Speaker 2: this next step in your life. And if that is 132 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:28,160 Speaker 2: a family, or if you know or if those are 133 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:31,760 Speaker 2: building closer friendships. I'm not going to say it happens immediately. 134 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:33,680 Speaker 2: I'm not even going to say it happens over the 135 00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:36,159 Speaker 2: next few years, but over time, you're going to have 136 00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:40,440 Speaker 2: to continue to find space. And if you're overworked, then 137 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,560 Speaker 2: here's my advice for you. You have to bring it up 138 00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:46,840 Speaker 2: to your boss. As somebody that leads a team of 139 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:51,719 Speaker 2: you know, twenty employees, I often don't know where they're 140 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:54,320 Speaker 2: at mentally. I also don't know where they're at physically, 141 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:57,640 Speaker 2: and so I never mind it. And I've never talked 142 00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:01,080 Speaker 2: to a good manager or a good ex executive who 143 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:05,880 Speaker 2: does mind it. When they're employees in a respectful and 144 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:09,040 Speaker 2: not a threatening way, say hey, I feel overworked. I 145 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:11,600 Speaker 2: feel like my job is requiring more of me than 146 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,040 Speaker 2: the time and hours I have in the day, and 147 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,920 Speaker 2: as a result, my personal life is struggling because of it. 148 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:20,120 Speaker 2: Is there anything we could do to try to assist 149 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,960 Speaker 2: in this and allow your manager or the executive at 150 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:26,000 Speaker 2: your business to respond, Let them try to problem solve. Really, 151 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:28,960 Speaker 2: that's why they're there. You know they don't do We 152 00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:31,680 Speaker 2: don't as executives, don't do a lot more than manage 153 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:35,520 Speaker 2: a team, make sure that our employees are happy, satisfied, 154 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,880 Speaker 2: and at the right skill set for what we need, 155 00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:40,480 Speaker 2: while at the same time doing a small little problem 156 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,800 Speaker 2: solving here and then. But We're really counting on you 157 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:44,720 Speaker 2: to express to us what your needs are so that 158 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:45,960 Speaker 2: you can be better for the business. 159 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:49,560 Speaker 3: And I was just going to add that if taking 160 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:52,880 Speaker 3: homework is something that you don't mind, because somehow I 161 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:55,200 Speaker 3: feel that a little bit from you and the little 162 00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:58,480 Speaker 3: that we know, why don't you just do it a 163 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:00,320 Speaker 3: couple of days a week, Like you say, okay, well 164 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:03,920 Speaker 3: I'll do that on Tuesday or Thursday or Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, 165 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:05,480 Speaker 3: and then I'll make sure that I have my social 166 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,680 Speaker 3: life on Thursday and Friday. Or you can say like 167 00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:11,840 Speaker 3: I'll bring home or I'll come home and work for 168 00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:15,280 Speaker 3: an hour or so on stuff, but then like at 169 00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:17,160 Speaker 3: a certain time, I'll close the computer. 170 00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:20,160 Speaker 2: My final piece of advice, and this is more actionable 171 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:25,840 Speaker 2: dale would be to get a mentor or a coach 172 00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:28,200 Speaker 2: to kind of lay all this out with you. There 173 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:31,240 Speaker 2: are coaches for all levels of employees, and you could 174 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:34,240 Speaker 2: lay out, Hey, here's the things on my on my 175 00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:36,920 Speaker 2: plate each day, here's the things I need to execute on. 176 00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:40,720 Speaker 2: Is there any things that you see I'm doing inefficiently 177 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:43,480 Speaker 2: that you maybe have some advice on. Is there any 178 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:47,000 Speaker 2: space for me to cut some stuff out that maybe 179 00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:50,319 Speaker 2: aren't necessary for the business. Is there some time that 180 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:52,600 Speaker 2: you don't even realize dale you're just scrolling on Instagram 181 00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:55,040 Speaker 2: or serving the web and you don't even realize how 182 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:57,760 Speaker 2: much time that's actually taking up to distract you from 183 00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,160 Speaker 2: the things that you need to get done so that 184 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,960 Speaker 2: you can go home from work and kind of leave 185 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:05,000 Speaker 2: your computer, leave that stuff at work. So maybe a coach, 186 00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:07,520 Speaker 2: like an actionable coach, could actually be helpful, or a 187 00:09:07,559 --> 00:09:10,920 Speaker 2: mentor just to sit down with you. Final story is 188 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:12,520 Speaker 2: I had an employee two years ago come to me 189 00:09:12,559 --> 00:09:15,240 Speaker 2: and say they're working super hard and super long hours 190 00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:17,559 Speaker 2: and they're getting tired. And I said, Okay, here's how 191 00:09:17,559 --> 00:09:20,480 Speaker 2: you can help me in the next two weeks of 192 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:22,640 Speaker 2: your work. I want you to write down all the 193 00:09:22,679 --> 00:09:24,880 Speaker 2: things you're doing, like when you get something done, if 194 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:26,840 Speaker 2: it's emails. I did that for twenty minutes, and then 195 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:29,199 Speaker 2: I work on a document for ten minutes. All these things, 196 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:31,600 Speaker 2: write them out for me, and then so that I 197 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:33,400 Speaker 2: can see what you're working on and I can help 198 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:36,120 Speaker 2: cut those things out, or I can maybe hire somebody 199 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,720 Speaker 2: new on to take over some of the responsibilities that 200 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:41,160 Speaker 2: are kind of grouped in the same kind of focus 201 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:44,360 Speaker 2: so that you don't have to worry about that anymore. So, Dale, 202 00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,640 Speaker 2: I think laying some of this stuff out, you know, 203 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,240 Speaker 2: actually for you could be really helpful to cut some 204 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:51,080 Speaker 2: things out of your work life so that you can 205 00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:53,880 Speaker 2: go home and be a better person to your friend's family, 206 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:54,520 Speaker 2: whoever it is. 207 00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:08,120 Speaker 3: Sarah has our next question. She says, I've been using 208 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,720 Speaker 3: dating apps for several months, but I keep encountering the 209 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:14,199 Speaker 3: same issues. Either the chemistry isn't there or the conversations 210 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:17,960 Speaker 3: fizzle out quickly. I'm starting to feel discouraged, and I 211 00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:21,000 Speaker 3: question if online dating is worth it. How can I 212 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:24,480 Speaker 3: improve my chances of finding a meaningful connection or should 213 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:26,440 Speaker 3: I consider other ways to meet people? Well, Sarah, what 214 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:29,559 Speaker 3: I really want to know here is is the chemistry 215 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:36,120 Speaker 3: not there via the chat the chat feature on the app? 216 00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:39,160 Speaker 3: Or is the chemistry not there in person? And it 217 00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:43,680 Speaker 3: says the conversations fizzle out quickly? Is that again in person? 218 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:48,160 Speaker 3: Or is that through the chat feature? Because I am 219 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:53,520 Speaker 3: one that's always been very bad at keeping a flirty, 220 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:58,240 Speaker 3: romantic kind of like back and forth via text that 221 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:05,839 Speaker 3: isn't going. What, however, you act via text message is 222 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:10,600 Speaker 3: not a good demonstration of how the chemistry and conversation 223 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:13,560 Speaker 3: will be in real life, you're gonna have to go 224 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,800 Speaker 3: out with these people. But I know what sucks about 225 00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:18,520 Speaker 3: dating apps is that you feel like you need to 226 00:11:18,559 --> 00:11:21,880 Speaker 3: woo these people with the written word before you actually 227 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:27,239 Speaker 3: get asked out. And so many I feel women, especially especially, 228 00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:31,520 Speaker 3: get really frustrated with dating apps because it seems like 229 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:35,920 Speaker 3: sometimes a mechanism where guys just flirt via text and 230 00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:39,559 Speaker 3: they don't actually ask women out. So in the case 231 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:44,120 Speaker 3: that it's just you feeling discouraged by not getting asked out, 232 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:48,640 Speaker 3: you should kind of have a rule with yourself that 233 00:11:48,679 --> 00:11:51,920 Speaker 3: you go back and forth a few times. If the 234 00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:55,040 Speaker 3: guy doesn't initiate an actual in person date, then you 235 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:59,160 Speaker 3: say forget him. Or or if you are the kind 236 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:00,920 Speaker 3: of person that wants to be bold and you seem 237 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:04,880 Speaker 3: very interested in this particular person you're talking to, you 238 00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:06,920 Speaker 3: can be the one that puts the plan out there 239 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,160 Speaker 3: and if they don't, if they're not corrective about it, 240 00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:13,640 Speaker 3: then you then you say forget about it. 241 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, I think Ashley is right. I would 242 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:20,720 Speaker 2: just add into this too. Part of dating I think 243 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:26,280 Speaker 2: is giving up our pride, and I think something helpful 244 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:29,000 Speaker 2: here Sarah could be if you have a trusted friend, 245 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,720 Speaker 2: like your best friend or your mom, or your sister 246 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:34,400 Speaker 2: or whoever you like really trust to be vulnerable around 247 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,280 Speaker 2: and to kind of lay your pride down around to 248 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:39,880 Speaker 2: ask them to kind of look through some of these 249 00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:44,160 Speaker 2: conversations that you're having and see if maybe they're reading 250 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:47,679 Speaker 2: it differently than how you mean to be saying it. 251 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:49,199 Speaker 2: I had to do that a few years ago actually 252 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:53,840 Speaker 2: with my text messages. I was texting thinking they're coming 253 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:56,280 Speaker 2: off a certain way, you know, because I know what 254 00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:58,160 Speaker 2: I meant for them to say, kind of like emails, 255 00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,440 Speaker 2: sometimes it's hard to read the intent behind it email 256 00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:03,280 Speaker 2: or a text, and people were reading them and taking 257 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:05,760 Speaker 2: them different than how I was like meaning them to 258 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:09,360 Speaker 2: be taken, and as a result, there's a lot of 259 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:10,680 Speaker 2: miscommunication going on. 260 00:13:11,679 --> 00:13:13,520 Speaker 3: I have a friend that tells me all the time 261 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:15,800 Speaker 3: that my texts are short and they don't and they 262 00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:19,240 Speaker 3: feel cold, Whereas I'm like, you know, I'm just I 263 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:21,880 Speaker 3: just don't feel like like texting is just not the 264 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:24,199 Speaker 3: kind of communication that well maybe they are very much 265 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:27,440 Speaker 3: preferred to talk in person. Well they might be short, 266 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,679 Speaker 3: they can be short, but I don't like overdo it. 267 00:13:30,679 --> 00:13:31,200 Speaker 3: With warmth. 268 00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:33,760 Speaker 2: I'm just saying there could be a benefit here for 269 00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:36,520 Speaker 2: Sarah to have a next a new iy, a trusted 270 00:13:36,559 --> 00:13:38,880 Speaker 2: eye look at these conversations and say, yeah, right here, 271 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,480 Speaker 2: it sounds like you're done with this conversation. So the 272 00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:44,840 Speaker 2: person stopped responding, but and she and Sarah's going, I 273 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:47,240 Speaker 2: wasn't done yet, and they're going, But that's how it's 274 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:49,720 Speaker 2: I'm reading it. That's how I'm seeing it, So be 275 00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:51,640 Speaker 2: you know, then you can start to get you know, 276 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:54,880 Speaker 2: learn new skills in communication or things you shouldn't be saying, 277 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:57,360 Speaker 2: or or things that you might be saying that are 278 00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,960 Speaker 2: kind of making the person that you're trying to flirt 279 00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:04,560 Speaker 2: with less interested that you could probably change and so 280 00:14:04,679 --> 00:14:06,800 Speaker 2: having a different eye on it could be helpful. 281 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:09,440 Speaker 3: That's my point, Ben, That is an awesome point. 282 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:12,280 Speaker 2: So it's just that's hard to do because it's hard 283 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:14,520 Speaker 2: to go to a friend, family member, etc. And be like, hey, 284 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,000 Speaker 2: by the way, I don't think i'm good at this. 285 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,240 Speaker 2: Can you help me? However, I do think there's a 286 00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,080 Speaker 2: benefit in it, and I imagine there's people in your 287 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:21,720 Speaker 2: life that would love to sit in that with you. 288 00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:27,200 Speaker 2: Final question Ashley is from Emily Emily says, I need 289 00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:31,360 Speaker 2: help balancing and managing expectations. I recently started dating someone 290 00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:32,960 Speaker 2: who I think has a lot of potential, but I 291 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:36,960 Speaker 2: can't shake the feeling that I'm expecting too much too soon. 292 00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:40,080 Speaker 2: We've been on a few great dates, but I worry 293 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:42,720 Speaker 2: that I might be projecting my ideal partner onto them. 294 00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:46,400 Speaker 2: How can I balance my expectations while still being open 295 00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,240 Speaker 2: to where this relationship might go. 296 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,000 Speaker 3: This one is for you, Ben, because I feel like 297 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:54,600 Speaker 3: I'm the one who would always do this. Really, I 298 00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:57,560 Speaker 3: would definitely dream somebody up, like if I liked them 299 00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:04,480 Speaker 3: at the beginning, I would probably idealize them and like 300 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:08,120 Speaker 3: I could fall in love in my head with with 301 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:09,560 Speaker 3: just knowing a few traits. 302 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:13,840 Speaker 2: Yeah. I think I've admitted on the podcast that I've oftentimes, 303 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,240 Speaker 2: especially when I was younger, did this in friendships. I 304 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:18,400 Speaker 2: felt closer to pe I thought we were. I was 305 00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,360 Speaker 2: closer to people than I think they thought we were, 306 00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:25,000 Speaker 2: and so I, you know, would lean on these friendships 307 00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:27,480 Speaker 2: or expect stuff out of these friendships that maybe they 308 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:31,000 Speaker 2: weren't even realizing that they that we were that close. 309 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:34,360 Speaker 3: I feel like that's an only child thing. Then they 310 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:37,720 Speaker 3: were leaning on people because you needed someone. 311 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:42,080 Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm lonely, so lonely I think that. I think, honestly, 312 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:44,520 Speaker 2: it's probably does come from that I always expected people 313 00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:46,680 Speaker 2: to like me. And when I felt, you know, for 314 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:48,520 Speaker 2: the first time, which I wrote about my book Alone 315 00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:50,600 Speaker 2: and Plaints, I when I felt for the first time 316 00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:52,840 Speaker 2: that rejection or that I maybe didn't have the close 317 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:55,560 Speaker 2: friends that I thought I had, then it was a 318 00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:58,920 Speaker 2: realization to me that, you know what, I needed to 319 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,600 Speaker 2: maybe part take a little bit more in these friendships, 320 00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:03,480 Speaker 2: or put a little more into these friendships, or just 321 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:06,400 Speaker 2: have different expectations for friendships. And so as I read 322 00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:09,440 Speaker 2: Emily's I kind of go back to my own experience 323 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:12,320 Speaker 2: and say, I get it. This isn't something that is 324 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:15,040 Speaker 2: abnormal to you, Emily, this is very common with a 325 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:18,520 Speaker 2: lot of people. I think here, I think, here is 326 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,800 Speaker 2: the only message I would send to you. I don't 327 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:24,560 Speaker 2: actually think it's bad for you to have certain expectations 328 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:28,040 Speaker 2: for certain people in your life. I do, though, think 329 00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:30,680 Speaker 2: it's bad when you hold too tightly to what an 330 00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:34,080 Speaker 2: ideal partner will look like or will function like. Because 331 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:36,320 Speaker 2: here's the truth. We're all human, and so we have 332 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,320 Speaker 2: good days and we have bad days. We say the 333 00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,960 Speaker 2: right same thing, sometimes we say the wrong thing. Sometimes 334 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:45,160 Speaker 2: we match your enthusiasms. Sometimes we also fail at matching 335 00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:48,520 Speaker 2: your enthusiasms. Sometimes that's the human experience. And so I 336 00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:52,680 Speaker 2: think you need to do is not change your expectations, 337 00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:56,200 Speaker 2: but start to become more curious about what the who 338 00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:59,920 Speaker 2: the person actually is, because who the person is inside, 339 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,840 Speaker 2: what they represent, what they care about, how they treat you, 340 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,760 Speaker 2: how they care about you, how they care about progressing 341 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:09,840 Speaker 2: this relationship is more important to me than this ideal 342 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:13,360 Speaker 2: or this idea that you have in your head that 343 00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:16,160 Speaker 2: probably will never be satisfied. I think this is something 344 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:18,600 Speaker 2: that's happened many times with many of people I know, 345 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:21,959 Speaker 2: in myself included, is you build these ideals and then 346 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,639 Speaker 2: as soon as one of those ideals isn't met, then 347 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:26,760 Speaker 2: you see it as a red flag. Now it could 348 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,760 Speaker 2: be a red flag, but is it just something that's 349 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:32,520 Speaker 2: happening in their life, because maybe they're not feeling a 350 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,600 Speaker 2: certain way, and you can start to become more curious 351 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:37,679 Speaker 2: about what makes them function, what makes them go, what 352 00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:40,639 Speaker 2: they're looking for. That's the exciting part about relationships, and 353 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:43,040 Speaker 2: is when you drop down your ideals and you start 354 00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:44,919 Speaker 2: to become more curious about the relationship. 355 00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:50,000 Speaker 3: Two things to add I think I used to do 356 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,320 Speaker 3: this because I used to never crush on someone. L 357 00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:54,960 Speaker 3: I go on dates and just like, oh they like me. 358 00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:58,800 Speaker 3: I don't really like like, I just so rarely crushed 359 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:02,119 Speaker 3: that when I did get the feeling, it was like, 360 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,560 Speaker 3: oh my god, this is the most exhilarating thing in 361 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:11,239 Speaker 3: the entire world. And then you do ignore those red flags. Then, 362 00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:14,360 Speaker 3: speaking of the red flags when they do come up, 363 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:19,920 Speaker 3: if they do and you have doubts, don't push away 364 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,200 Speaker 3: the doubts just because you already built up this dream 365 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:24,960 Speaker 3: around this person. Because I used to do this too, 366 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:27,240 Speaker 3: Like I would see these things or like feel like, 367 00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:30,919 Speaker 3: oh man, it's actually not like so dreamy, it's not 368 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:35,080 Speaker 3: like that conversation or just like the vibes around him 369 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:38,959 Speaker 3: in that day weren't as great as they like I 370 00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,359 Speaker 3: wanted them to be. That would leave and try to 371 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:44,320 Speaker 3: convince myself that they were, because like I had already 372 00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:50,480 Speaker 3: built up this idea that he was like the perfect match, right, so, 373 00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:55,399 Speaker 3: and then like you don't even have like the brain 374 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:58,320 Speaker 3: because like you're so into the idea of this person 375 00:18:58,359 --> 00:19:03,840 Speaker 3: being right for you. You kind of you know, you ignore 376 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:06,920 Speaker 3: that for so long and then like, only when it's 377 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:09,840 Speaker 3: over can you be like, Okay, well, I guess I 378 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,880 Speaker 3: can admit to myself it wasn't perfect. Then. Just what 379 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:16,719 Speaker 3: I'm saying is, if there are red flags, try not 380 00:19:17,359 --> 00:19:20,000 Speaker 3: to try not to ignore them. It's like you're not 381 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:24,919 Speaker 3: feeling one hundred percent on something. Just be like, Okay, 382 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,920 Speaker 3: it's just not a dream. It's not a dream situation. 383 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,880 Speaker 3: Does that make sense? Some sense at all? 384 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:31,480 Speaker 2: A little bit. 385 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:35,480 Speaker 3: I guess I'm maybe thinking about like one one example 386 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:36,560 Speaker 3: in my life too much. 387 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:40,199 Speaker 2: I think this. Actually, I think you and I do 388 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:44,840 Speaker 2: two different ways of processing. You process very quickly, usually 389 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:47,800 Speaker 2: out loud, and it's kind of not a spiral, but 390 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,960 Speaker 2: it's a little chaotic, but you always get to that. 391 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,879 Speaker 2: It's you get to the solution like you, just like 392 00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:55,359 Speaker 2: you do you What you just said is kind of 393 00:19:55,359 --> 00:19:57,600 Speaker 2: how you process. It's like a thousand things going on, 394 00:19:57,880 --> 00:19:59,600 Speaker 2: and then all of a sudden you're like, and that's 395 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:01,679 Speaker 2: that's the way it is, and then you're good and 396 00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:04,600 Speaker 2: it works and it works for you perfectly. I'm more 397 00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:07,120 Speaker 2: of a quiet processor, right. I let these thoughts wash 398 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:10,320 Speaker 2: over me. I kind of think through them. I investigate them. 399 00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:13,280 Speaker 2: I don't say them out loud until I feel like, Okay, 400 00:20:13,359 --> 00:20:15,720 Speaker 2: I get it. I got it. Two different ways of 401 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:18,320 Speaker 2: doing it, both right in their own respective ways. 402 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:21,160 Speaker 3: No, yours sounds your sounds so much better. 403 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:24,840 Speaker 2: No, I think mine sounds like you know, I just 404 00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:27,080 Speaker 2: let these things kind of come through me, And I 405 00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:30,200 Speaker 2: think a mix of the two are very helpful. Right 406 00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:33,480 Speaker 2: processing it out loud with friends or family, or even 407 00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:35,679 Speaker 2: if you just say it out loud to yourself, like 408 00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:37,800 Speaker 2: I know that sounds weird, Talk to yourself a bit, 409 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:40,639 Speaker 2: say the things that you're thinking out loud, put words 410 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:42,880 Speaker 2: to them, and just see how they sound to you, 411 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:46,000 Speaker 2: even as you're listening to yourself talk, or maybe just 412 00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:50,520 Speaker 2: let these things process internally. Come to some conclusion on Hey, yeah, 413 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,280 Speaker 2: that was weird that they did this. That felt off 414 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,760 Speaker 2: to me, that made me unattracted to them for a 415 00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:59,240 Speaker 2: period of time. Why did it make it? Why was 416 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,239 Speaker 2: I so thrown off by that? Is this something that 417 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:03,320 Speaker 2: is a non negotiable to me? Is this a really 418 00:21:03,359 --> 00:21:07,600 Speaker 2: big deal to me? Or am I overreacting and I'm 419 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:11,520 Speaker 2: looking for signs that you know are going to push 420 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,760 Speaker 2: me away? Am I trying to get out of this thing? 421 00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:16,040 Speaker 2: And then the next question would be why are you 422 00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:17,159 Speaker 2: trying to get out of it? Are you not that 423 00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:19,480 Speaker 2: interested in it? Do you not want a relationship? Are 424 00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:21,879 Speaker 2: you not curious? Like all these things can start and 425 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,520 Speaker 2: then you can start to get to a path and 426 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:26,160 Speaker 2: being like, no, you know what, maybe I do want 427 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,800 Speaker 2: a relationship, and maybe I'm not going to let this 428 00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:30,840 Speaker 2: thing push me away like I have so many other times, 429 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:33,440 Speaker 2: because this isn't a non negotiable to me. I do 430 00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:36,920 Speaker 2: care about this person. Now I'm learning how to not 431 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:40,640 Speaker 2: just forgive and forget, but I'm learning how to compromise 432 00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:42,240 Speaker 2: in a relationship. That's a big step. 433 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:45,040 Speaker 3: Yeah, just don't put somebody on a pedestal until you 434 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:48,239 Speaker 3: know them well enough and you accept that you know 435 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:52,440 Speaker 3: them and not your dream version of them. 436 00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:54,280 Speaker 2: Yeah, come on, nobody's going to match the dream. 437 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:57,360 Speaker 3: That was a better put. You did great, just said 438 00:21:57,359 --> 00:21:57,840 Speaker 3: it like that. 439 00:21:57,760 --> 00:21:58,960 Speaker 2: And when you said it out loud, and then we 440 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,679 Speaker 2: put this together, figured it out, it's all great. Uh. 441 00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:05,960 Speaker 2: That's another episode of almost good advice. Hopefully we shared 442 00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:08,760 Speaker 2: some almost good advice with all of you. Please continue 443 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:10,760 Speaker 2: to write us in with any of your questions, concerns, 444 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:14,160 Speaker 2: life moments, life questions. We're here to walk through them 445 00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:16,560 Speaker 2: with you, to process out loud, maybe for you, so 446 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,760 Speaker 2: that we can be the voice or the put words 447 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,080 Speaker 2: to the questions that you have. So until next time, 448 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:23,040 Speaker 2: I've been Ben. 449 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:24,280 Speaker 3: I've been Ashley. See ya. 450 00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:28,040 Speaker 1: Follow the Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous podcasts on 451 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:31,240 Speaker 1: iHeartRadio or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts