Speaker 1: Hey, I do to part two.
Speaker 2: It's your resident real life single guy in chapter two,
Speaker 2: mister Wright, and I'm back to answer more of your
Speaker 2: questions and give you the honest opinion that will hopefully
Speaker 2: give you some insight on how men think. So since
Speaker 2: our last episode, we've got tons of comments, back emails, voicemails.
Speaker 2: It started a lot of conversations. So let's get started
Speaker 2: here and go through some of the comments and emails
Speaker 2: that we've gotten since our last episode. So our first
Speaker 2: listener question came in from Lisa, who's forty eight, and
Speaker 2: this is what she wrote, do guys, quote unquote do
Speaker 2: research before a first date. Women will know a mom's name,
Speaker 2: what kind of dog your cousin has, etc.
Speaker 1: What is it like for guys?
Speaker 2: All right, Lisa, So guys tend to do a little
Speaker 2: bit of research, but really it's basically very simple. We
Speaker 2: want to know if you're single, we want to know
Speaker 2: what your friends think about you.
Speaker 1: It's pretty I think it's pretty.
Speaker 2: Surface, and I think guys really are looking for whatever
Speaker 2: that connection is between the guy and the girl where
Speaker 2: this is interesting, where maybe some women are looking for
Speaker 2: some more deep down research and background information. I think
Speaker 2: guys are trying to trying to figure out it on
Speaker 2: their own. And so I think while it's important to
Speaker 2: know whether or not you know you're dating somebody that's
Speaker 2: kind of that will fit you outside of just the chemistry,
Speaker 2: I think it's a little bit more of a mystery
Speaker 2: for guys than it is for girls. So now we're
Speaker 2: into our next question comes from Amy, who's fifty one,
Speaker 2: and what she writes is this, what are men looking
Speaker 2: for in a relationship where they're in their thirties than
Speaker 2: in their forties, in their fifties, and what will they
Speaker 2: want in their sixties and seventies And does it differ
Speaker 2: as you get older or some things just stay the same.
Speaker 2: All right, this is a big old question to unpack.
Speaker 2: So let's start in our thirties. So what men are
Speaker 2: looking for in their thirties is kind of a life partner.
Speaker 2: They're looking for someone that they're going to start a
Speaker 2: family with, that they're going to build a life with,
Speaker 2: by their first home, with all of these things that
Speaker 2: are that happen kind of in your early stages of
Speaker 2: a relationship. And then when you get into your forties,
Speaker 2: some guys are into their next chapter. So at this point,
Speaker 2: now they're looking at kind of what does their stable
Speaker 2: life look like, And if they're in their chapter two now,
Speaker 2: they're looking for a reset. And they've probably learned some
Speaker 2: lessons from their thirties that they don't want to.
Speaker 1: Repeat when they're in their forties.
Speaker 2: So I think a guy in their forties is certainly
Speaker 2: a little bit wiser, a little bit more confident, kind
Speaker 2: of knows what they're looking for, and has learned from
Speaker 2: some estates they might have made in their thirties. Now
Speaker 2: when you get into your fifties, now these are guys
Speaker 2: that are going through really into the next chapter, not
Speaker 2: just the next chapter of their relationship, but the real
Speaker 2: next chapter of their lives. If they've had children, those
Speaker 2: kids are probably graduating from high school in their fifties,
Speaker 2: they may be going off to college, they may be
Speaker 2: even graduating from college in their fifties. And what they're
Speaker 2: looking for is really somebody that's going to take them
Speaker 2: probably into the rest of their lives in terms of
Speaker 2: dating and relationship. And you know, these fifty year old guys,
Speaker 2: if they've been either newly single or single for a while,
Speaker 2: they're probably a little bit more set in their way.
Speaker 1: So just be aware.
Speaker 2: That that old adage about teaching a new dog old
Speaker 2: tricks or old.
Speaker 1: Dog new tricks.
Speaker 2: Well, you've got a fifty year old man that may
Speaker 2: be pretty set in their waves, which kind of can
Speaker 2: be a good thing, because you know what you're going
Speaker 2: to get. A guy in their thirties or their forties
Speaker 2: might still be growing and maturing. But a guy in
Speaker 2: their fifties, they've probably had a career, they've raised children,
Speaker 2: they've probably been through at least one or two or
Speaker 2: even three serious relationships. So you're gonna get a guy
Speaker 2: who knows what they want, that has a sense of confidence,
Speaker 2: but know that it might be difficult to change them
Speaker 2: in their ways.
Speaker 3: Wait, sorry, mister Ray, I have to jump in here.
Speaker 3: Please so tell me then, if men are set in
Speaker 3: their ways in their fifties, why do they often gravitate
Speaker 3: towards younger women.
Speaker 2: Well, a lot of times they're to gravitating towards younger
Speaker 2: women because they might feel that those younger women may
Speaker 2: be willing to put up with a guy that's sitting
Speaker 2: in their ways that might know that you know that
Speaker 2: they're not going to be as malleable as a guy
Speaker 2: in their thirties and in their forties, and and you know,
Speaker 2: in a lot of times, women in their fifties are
Speaker 2: just as set in their ways and just as confident,
Speaker 2: and you know, and just as experienced as guys in
Speaker 2: their fifties. So it might be, and you know, I'm
Speaker 2: going to get beat up for saying this by my
Speaker 2: other guy friends, but guys might be looking for somebody
Speaker 2: younger that may not be quite as set in their
Speaker 2: ways and might be more willing to adjust to a
Speaker 2: lifestyle or to something that the older guy is looking for.
Speaker 3: That makes sense, mister right, Thanks for that intel, But
Speaker 3: now I do want to know what they're looking for
Speaker 3: in their sixties and seventies.
Speaker 2: Now, sixties and seventies, now we're getting into you know,
Speaker 2: kind of the you know, kind of the golden years.
Speaker 2: And at that point, you know, you are looking for
Speaker 2: that perfect companion. And I think that while you might
Speaker 2: be you know, set in your ways to a certain degree,
Speaker 2: I think at this point now there's a sense of
Speaker 2: vulnerability where you might all of a sudden now be
Speaker 2: willing to adjust your life a little bit more for
Speaker 2: a partner, and you know, you are really looking for
Speaker 2: who that person's going to be for the rest of
Speaker 2: your life. So I think that there is probably this
Speaker 2: pivot where guys go from being you know, young and
Speaker 2: inexperienced to getting more confident and set in their ways,
Speaker 2: and there might be a little regression back to a
Speaker 2: point where you're like, wait a second, maybe to make
Speaker 2: this thing work, I need to be more accepting, I
Speaker 2: need to be a little more flexible. And I think
Speaker 2: that's what happens later on, you know, for a man,
Speaker 2: certainly when they're looking for a partner that's going to
Speaker 2: be with them for the rest of their lives. So
Speaker 2: Kristin who's thirty seven rights, do guys ever really say
Speaker 2: what truly bothers them in a relationship? How can you
Speaker 2: get a guy to open up so he doesn't feel
Speaker 2: like he's being grilled? All right, So we are talking
Speaker 2: chapter two here now. Guys I think are hesitant to
Speaker 2: talk about what truly bothers him in the moment because
Speaker 2: they don't want to upset the appu card. Guys generally
Speaker 2: are I think, are less confrontational in the moment. Not
Speaker 2: saying that we're less confrontational all the time, but I
Speaker 2: think in a moment, if something is bothering them, I
Speaker 2: think they were a little reticent to bring it up
Speaker 2: right then and there. And oftentimes guys will let things
Speaker 2: fester and then it'll will kind of blow up, and
Speaker 2: it won't have anything really to do with the original
Speaker 2: thing that was bothering them. It'll manifest in something small
Speaker 2: and silly. And so I think it's important for, you know,
Speaker 2: both the man and the woman or both the partners
Speaker 2: to be constantly trying to make sure that they're looking
Speaker 2: for signals that they're asking the right questions that aren't
Speaker 2: interpreted as as Kristin was saying, grilling, but rather curious.
Speaker 1: And you know, I think it's just being a little
Speaker 1: self aware.
Speaker 2: If you know, if I did something or a partner
Speaker 2: did something, and I recognize, wait a second, that isn't
Speaker 2: that isn't a healthy reaction, that isn't a loving or
Speaker 2: caring reaction. Even if they don't say something, I think
Speaker 2: it's my responsibility to recognize that and see that maybe
Speaker 2: that is bothering them, and then maybe figure out how
Speaker 2: to elicit a response that doesn't seem like you're being interrogated,
Speaker 2: that doesn't seem like you're being intrusive, but that you're
Speaker 2: just saying I just want to know if this is right,
Speaker 2: or if this is bothering you, if we're going in
Speaker 2: the right direction. So I mean, it is a Rubik's
Speaker 2: cube trying to figure out a guy and his emotions.
Speaker 1: I get that we're.
Speaker 2: Difficult, we're complicated, we have thick skin, we have thick skulls.
Speaker 2: But I think it's worth taking the time and effort
Speaker 2: to be gentle about trying to unwrap what might be
Speaker 2: bothering your partner.
Speaker 1: It might be bothering that guy.
Speaker 2: And not letting it get to a point where it's
Speaker 2: hitting like this pressure situation, and that pressure explodes over
Speaker 2: something totally small and tiny because it hasn't been unwrapped
Speaker 2: before then. So again, I'm not saying that it's going
Speaker 2: to be easy, but I think it is necessary and
Speaker 2: it is crucial for the health of a long term
Speaker 2: relationship for both partners, certainly to figure out how to
Speaker 2: figure out when something's bothering the other person, when something
Speaker 2: is you know, just not right, Because I mean, both
Speaker 2: neither the other partner wants to go and push someone.
Speaker 1: Over the edge.
Speaker 2: They don't want to. They don't want to intentionally, you know,
Speaker 2: push their buttons. Well sometimes they do, but I think
Speaker 2: generally you don't want to put somebody in a situation
Speaker 2: where they're getting upset, where they're getting bothered, and then
Speaker 2: it festers and just lingers until it explodes one day.
Speaker 2: And unfortunately, sometimes you might not know what it was
Speaker 2: to cause it in the first place, unless.
Speaker 1: You're able to have that honest conversation.
Speaker 2: So Gina, who's fifty five, she writes, I have been
Speaker 2: single for five years since my divorce and have been
Speaker 2: surrounded with a bunch of other incredible single women. We
Speaker 2: have all really full lives, prioritize fitness, and like to
Speaker 2: have fun. But somehow none of us are able to
Speaker 2: meet quality men or know any quality men to set
Speaker 2: each other up with. Why is that everyone knows great
Speaker 2: single women, but no one seems to know great single men?
Speaker 2: All right, Gina, So there is a little sense of
Speaker 2: this question coming out that you have this tight group
Speaker 2: of what looks like very confident, energetic and outgoing women,
Speaker 2: and that could be a little bit uh intimidating.
Speaker 1: For for some guys.
Speaker 2: And oftentimes there can be in this kind of group
Speaker 2: mentality where this there's this constant competition between one another,
Speaker 2: and you know, if you're you know, if you're you know,
Speaker 2: you see a guy, uh, and you're in a group,
Speaker 2: it might be that you guys are picking them apart,
Speaker 2: and maybe that great guy doesn't seem that great because
Speaker 2: you're kind of using this group think. And I've seen
Speaker 2: it before where you have kind of a pack of
Speaker 2: girls that are going out, whether at a restaurant or
Speaker 2: a bar or whatever, and it's intimidating to go and
Speaker 2: try and break into that group or for guys to
Speaker 2: feel comfortable going and even I don't know, asking one
Speaker 2: of them out. And then if the guy knows that
Speaker 2: not only does he have to win the affection of
Speaker 2: the girl that he's taking out, but her whole group
Speaker 2: of friends that he knows are going to be giving
Speaker 2: their opinions and their critique and asking questions, I would
Speaker 2: say that maybe, you know, there could be something of
Speaker 2: this group mentality that might might be holding you back. Gina.
Speaker 2: So I think there are great guys out there. I
Speaker 2: think there are great girls out there. But I think
Speaker 2: it's all about putting yourself in the right situation, the
Speaker 2: right mind frame, that might the right, you know, just
Speaker 2: kind of scenario to find that great guy or find
Speaker 2: that great girl.
Speaker 1: There are great single men out there.
Speaker 2: I promise you just got to be looking in the
Speaker 2: right place and be ready.
Speaker 1: For it when it hits you.
Speaker 4: What's the right place?
Speaker 2: The right place is the grocery store on Sunday after
Speaker 2: no are I think that you know the classic great
Speaker 2: places for you know, for guys and girls to meet
Speaker 2: yoga studios, gyms, grocery stores. I mean, of course there's
Speaker 2: gonna be bars and restaurants. I think charity events. I think,
Speaker 2: you know, school events, things that where you can find
Speaker 2: your priorities and meet up with other people that might
Speaker 2: be sharing those same priorities. And you know, there's it's funny.
Speaker 2: I you know, in my chapter two I have noticed
Speaker 2: that the gym is filled with guys my age that
Speaker 2: are in their chapter two that are not only looking
Speaker 2: to stay fit and stay active, but are also trying
Speaker 2: to exude that same energy and find somebody else that
Speaker 2: is looking for the same thing. And so again, whether
Speaker 2: it's the yoga studio, or whether it's gymnasium, whether it's
Speaker 2: running trails, hiking trails, oftentimes those places are ripe with
Speaker 2: single chapter two people that are looking for that next
Speaker 2: chapter and looking for someone else to share it with. So,
Speaker 2: you know, aside from dating apps that are and get
Speaker 2: out of the virtual world, get into the real world
Speaker 2: and get a Labrador retriever. Those seem to work really
Speaker 2: well too, or you know, Cavalier King Charles. Those all
Speaker 2: also seem to work really well as bait. So this
Speaker 2: has brought up a really interesting topic that I think
Speaker 2: deserves its entire own episode, which is Chapter two, Single People,
Speaker 2: Jim Etiquette. That's a long title, but it's a long topic.
Speaker 2: There are so many bits and pieces of how to
Speaker 2: properly attend to Jim, how much eye contact to make,
Speaker 2: headphones are no headphones? I mean, this conversation can go
Speaker 2: on for hours, and I think it deserves its own episode.
Speaker 2: All right, now we're hearing from Chelsea, who's forty, and
Speaker 2: is there such a thing as too much communication? Where's
Speaker 2: the line? Oh, my goodness, too much communication? That is
Speaker 2: a definite fuzzy line, to say the least, And it
Speaker 2: is different for every couple. Now, I would think that
Speaker 2: over communication will always win over less or under communicating,
Speaker 2: and this is where a lot of couples have gotten
Speaker 2: in trouble in their chapter one. The assumption that the
Speaker 2: other person can somehow read their mind, that the other
Speaker 2: person should know when they're in a good mood or
Speaker 2: a bad mood, or they're feeling romantic or not feeling
Speaker 2: romantic or whatever.
Speaker 1: It is.
Speaker 2: This idea that the other person can read your mind,
Speaker 2: unfortunately grows in a relationship.
Speaker 1: Well you should have known, well, you should have thought
Speaker 1: of that. No. Chapter two is about telling it like
Speaker 1: it is.
Speaker 2: It's about communicating effectively with your partner so you aren't
Speaker 2: surprised and they aren't surprised. And if a day, you know,
Speaker 2: if you didn't have a good day at work, your
Speaker 2: partner may not know why. And and if you come
Speaker 2: home in a grumpy mood and the other person doesn't
Speaker 2: know you're coming home in a grumpy mood, that is
Speaker 2: a ripe situation for an explosion. So I think that
Speaker 2: too much communication is hard to hit. I think over
Speaker 2: communicating is a really difficult you know, bar to to clear,
Speaker 2: and there is no such thing. I think that if
Speaker 2: you're finding yourself over communicating, then you are the rare,
Speaker 2: rare circumstance. I think it's important that both partners know
Speaker 2: where they stand. I think both partners, especially in this
Speaker 2: chapter two, when we are more confident. When we are
Speaker 2: more set in our ways, I think, no surprises. Let's
Speaker 2: just let's just get communication on the table. Let's let
Speaker 2: everybody know where they're where, where they stand, if something's
Speaker 2: bothering you, something's making you happy, whatever the case may be,
Speaker 2: just communicate more. It'll avoid a chapter three. All right,
Speaker 2: So we're going to bring in producer Heather, who over
Speaker 2: the weekend I think went down a rabbit hole on
Speaker 2: a situation that I think is kind of interesting to
Speaker 2: talk about. It was too difficult to put in a question,
Speaker 2: so let's just open it up to a producer, Heather,
Speaker 2: to talk a little bit about.
Speaker 1: What happened to her out there recently in the wild.
Speaker 4: Well, thanks, mister Ray. Yeah, I have a scenario.
Speaker 3: I wanted to run past you because I just thought
Speaker 3: it was a little bit odd. But maybe as a
Speaker 3: man you can tell me if it was odd or not.
Speaker 3: So I have an incredibly cute puppy and we go
Speaker 3: to different parks all the time.
Speaker 4: We're always meeting people.
Speaker 3: People want to come up and meet the dog, touch
Speaker 3: the dog, all sorts of stuff. So we go to
Speaker 3: a park on Sundays that plays live music.
Speaker 4: So we're hanging out, and probably I.
Speaker 3: Would say forty to fifty feet away from me was
Speaker 3: a family on a blanket, and at one point the
Speaker 3: mom and the toddler came over and met me and
Speaker 3: introduced themselves and wanted to play with the dog, and
Speaker 3: the husband stayed back at the blanket. Fine, so again,
Speaker 3: forty to fifty feet away, they're not like within an earshot.
Speaker 3: They're not like right next to me. They're a little
Speaker 3: ways away. So then twenty minutes later, after they've left,
Speaker 3: the husband comes over on his own to say hi
Speaker 3: to the dog. So I'm like, fine, well, my dog
Speaker 3: is not interested whatsoever at this point. So the guy
Speaker 3: sits down, and my dog is like off somewhere else,
Speaker 3: like not even near us.
Speaker 4: And this guy.
Speaker 3: Continues to just chitchat with me, wants to know how
Speaker 3: my weekend was, what did I get up to, tells
Speaker 3: me about what him and his family did, and is
Speaker 3: talking about my dog, talking about the kind of dog
Speaker 3: he has. Again, my dog is not playing with him.
Speaker 3: This guy is now sitting at my blanket. He's not
Speaker 3: like kneeling over anything. And so I just wondered what
Speaker 3: you thought of that kind of interaction, if that was
Speaker 3: appropriate as I'm just like a single woman just sitting
Speaker 3: alone with my dog.
Speaker 2: Wow, that is an interesting scenario. So just we're talking
Speaker 2: a family fifty feet away. Has the family now retreated
Speaker 2: back to their original blanket and now it's just you,
Speaker 2: no dog and the husband's slash father.
Speaker 3: Yes, so my dog is like attached to me, but
Speaker 3: he's like often another direction. He's not interested in this guy.
Speaker 3: This guy's not petting my dog interacting with my dog.
Speaker 1: No. Wow. So that's a rough situation.
Speaker 2: And I'm wondering, did you catch just dagger eyes coming
Speaker 2: from the wife slash mom. No, she wasn't interested in
Speaker 2: the fact that her husbands slash father was not attending
Speaker 2: to the family and was more interested in the dog
Speaker 2: slash you.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I know she did not care.
Speaker 3: Wow. I just thought it was so strange.
Speaker 1: That's and so there's so many dynamics at work here.
Speaker 2: I think that there is a certain flex that this
Speaker 2: guy is trying to prove to himself that he can
Speaker 2: go over and you know, talk to a single girl.
Speaker 2: I think there might be a situation in which he's
Speaker 2: also trying to let his his wife slash mother of
Speaker 2: his child see that he is able to go over
Speaker 2: and successfully talk to a single girl. I also think
Speaker 2: there's another dynamic where the wife slash mother is saying, yeah,
Speaker 2: I don't care if you go over and talk to
Speaker 2: a single girl, because I'm just that confident. I mean,
Speaker 2: there is so much stuff to unpack there. But I
Speaker 2: gotta so, how did how did the interaction between you
Speaker 2: and this guy ultimately end? That I think is important.
Speaker 3: I think he just at one point, like again, my
Speaker 3: dog wasn't paying any attention to him, So I think
Speaker 3: just at one point he got up and was like, Okay,
Speaker 3: have a nice rest of your day, and like and
Speaker 3: then him and his he went back to his blanket,
Speaker 3: and him and his wife grabbed like some sort of game,
Speaker 3: and then they went off behind me and were like
Speaker 3: playing a game together with their toddler standing nearby. I
Speaker 3: just thought it was strange. The moment that I thought
Speaker 3: it was strange. I didn't think it was weird when
Speaker 3: he asked to see my dog pet my dog. Literally
Speaker 3: people do it all day every day. It's actually like
Speaker 3: when the biggest shock I've had since getting him, it
Speaker 3: was when he decided to sit down, lean up against
Speaker 3: a tree, put his legs out in front of him
Speaker 3: turn to me and say, so, what'd you get up
Speaker 3: to this weekend?
Speaker 1: Okay? Can I well you?
Speaker 2: Okay, producer Heather Wey, Are you going to give us
Speaker 2: an honest answer here if I ask you?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Of course, what was your body language like and what
Speaker 2: was your response like? Were you answering in short, curt
Speaker 2: sentences or were you were you you know, were you
Speaker 2: leading on in terms of like this conversation could could
Speaker 2: keep going.
Speaker 3: No, So I'm sitting cross legged on a blanket, facing.
Speaker 1: Him, facing him, okay, yeah.
Speaker 4: Because he came and sat in front of me. So
Speaker 4: they were forty to fifty feet ahead of me.
Speaker 1: Oh, and they came backwards.
Speaker 4: He picked himself up, came back and sat with me.
Speaker 2: So you changing your direction, you know, your pivoting would
Speaker 2: have meant it would have been awkward because then you
Speaker 2: would have been staring off into space kind of you
Speaker 2: wouldn't have been looking at this concert.
Speaker 3: Yeah, the band was in front of me, which means
Speaker 3: if they were in front of him, So yeah, me
Speaker 3: turning around would have been very strange.
Speaker 1: Was there any hair flipping? No, I was.
Speaker 3: I can say this honestly. I was not physically attracted
Speaker 3: to this man. Whatsoever.
Speaker 1: No, didn't bring over a pineapple or anything like that.
Speaker 4: No, No, he was just so.
Speaker 3: I don't tend to talk to men just willy nilly
Speaker 3: on my own in the in the real world, it
Speaker 3: men just approach me now a lot more because of
Speaker 3: the dog, and usually it's your dog is so cute,
Speaker 3: they pet, they walk away whatever. I had an experience
Speaker 3: literally the weekend before as well, same park, same event,
Speaker 3: where we were sitting in A man that was probably
Speaker 3: old enough to be my father came by, asked to
Speaker 3: speak to asked to pet the dog. Dad, and that
Speaker 3: man continued to rattle off questions to me. Where did
Speaker 3: I grow up, Where did I go to school, What
Speaker 3: do I do for a living?
Speaker 4: How long have I had this dog?
Speaker 3: Did like this man I was like, oh, he's going
Speaker 3: to ask for my Social Security number next, you know,
Speaker 3: that man just kept talking to me. And that guy,
Speaker 3: I felt, was like kind of overtly like trying to
Speaker 3: figure out like if I was married or if I
Speaker 3: was in a relationship or something, and that man I
Speaker 3: was giving very short answers to, being like, get the hint,
Speaker 3: like they're old enough to be my dad, Like absolutely not.
Speaker 3: You have three hairs on the top of your head
Speaker 3: like this is I'm not interested. But that guy kept
Speaker 3: talking to me. I was literally not giving him any
Speaker 3: follow up whatsoever. So same park, same event, just a
Speaker 3: week later, and this guy and I was just like
Speaker 3: the minute he turned to me and said, so, what'd
Speaker 3: you get up to this weekend? I actually I probably
Speaker 3: was like a little bit like shocked, but I was
Speaker 3: wearing sunglasses, so I was probably like I and by
Speaker 3: the way, I didn't get up to anything this weekend.
Speaker 3: I have a very boring life. So I was like, oh, well,
Speaker 3: I took a class on Saturday. I go, I take
Speaker 3: a foreign language class on Saturdays. And he goes, oh,
Speaker 3: what language are you learning?
Speaker 1: Okay, let me just tell you.
Speaker 2: You could have come up with some answers that were
Speaker 2: you know, that that that really would have turned them
Speaker 2: off in a way. You could have, you know, you
Speaker 2: could have you know, told them that you had your
Speaker 2: dungeons and dragons meeting. You know, you could have given
Speaker 2: all sorts.
Speaker 3: Of but maybe then he would have asked, like, what
Speaker 3: my character is that I play or something, you know.
Speaker 3: I was like, I was like, oh, I take French
Speaker 3: twice a week, and I we hung out at another
Speaker 3: park that we liked to go to. I was, you know,
Speaker 3: reading pretty low key, and then he was like, yeah,
Speaker 3: we we went to Disneyland for the first time. And
Speaker 3: I was like, oh cool, and he was like yeah.
Speaker 3: I'm like I I didn't realize it was forty five
Speaker 3: minutes away. And I was like, oh, are you not
Speaker 3: from here? And he's like, wow, we've lived here for
Speaker 3: six years, but uh, yeah, I didn't know Disneyland was
Speaker 3: there only forty five minutes away?
Speaker 4: And I was like, oh yeah.
Speaker 3: And then he just asked me if I'd ever been
Speaker 3: to Disneyland, and I was like, yeah, I grew up
Speaker 3: in Orange County. I like, that's like our backyard, Like
Speaker 3: we used to hang out there all the time as
Speaker 3: a kid.
Speaker 4: And he's like, oh, like that's so. He said.
Speaker 3: That was so fascinating that I said, I like grew
Speaker 3: up going to Disneyland.
Speaker 4: Like, I don't know.
Speaker 3: I just thought this was a really strange conversation, and
Speaker 3: I was just thinking, like, if I was married to
Speaker 3: this guy, I would think.
Speaker 4: This was a weird interaction.
Speaker 3: I would be thinking to myself, why am I married
Speaker 3: to a guy that feels the need to walk away?
Speaker 3: From me and go talk to somebody that he doesn't know.
Speaker 3: I think it would be It would have been different
Speaker 3: if he had come over initially when his wife and
Speaker 3: child came over to talk to me, if he had
Speaker 3: been like, oh, I want to join in on this
Speaker 3: and like meet the doggie. But the fact that he
Speaker 3: waited like twenty five minutes to do it on his own,
Speaker 3: I thought was strange. And I didn't know if like
Speaker 3: that's me being like a weirdo woman just like thinking
Speaker 3: and over analyzing, or if like you as a man,
Speaker 3: agree with me that that is like a weird way
Speaker 3: to interact with somebody that you don't know when you're married.
Speaker 2: One of the things that I think that we've unwrapped
Speaker 2: on this episode is that having a puppy in a
Speaker 2: park is a great way to meet guys, whether they're
Speaker 2: old or married or what have you.
Speaker 3: So I think I think if the dog honestly attracts
Speaker 3: old and married, I really do. I don't think he's
Speaker 3: ever attracted like in my age range, like single in
Speaker 3: a vail. Not that I'm looking, because I'm I'm definitely
Speaker 3: not looking, but it's so far it's like it's honestly hilarious,
Speaker 3: Like how many I think weirdos have come up to
Speaker 3: me since I've gotten the dog. I'm always texting my
Speaker 3: sisters being like another old man came up to talk
Speaker 3: to me, to like doc to the dog.
Speaker 2: But the dog, I think is like a it's like
Speaker 2: a little bit of like a like a question mark,
Speaker 2: a little bit of an opportunity.
Speaker 1: It's an easy one, too easy in yeah.
Speaker 2: I mean, you know, there are so many hurdles to
Speaker 2: meeting somebody, and you know, just the just the social
Speaker 2: mores and norms of of introduction are difficult, and I
Speaker 2: think having a dog, I think, you know, is one
Speaker 2: of those things that it's like anybody can go up
Speaker 2: and use the dog as a ruse to go up
Speaker 2: and start a conversation. And what kind of dog is this?
Speaker 2: I mean, that's like an easy one.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: And and right away you are in that physical like bubble.
Speaker 2: You you crossed that three foot you know, they say
Speaker 2: that there's a three foot bubble around each of us.
Speaker 2: And if you can get within that three foot bubble,
Speaker 2: then both people are very very vulnerable, and in a
Speaker 2: good ways, you know, well it can be in a
Speaker 2: good way. And so I think that you know, dogs
Speaker 2: are a great way to go ahead and find a
Speaker 2: way to get into that impenetrable bubble.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I will say for singles that are looking
Speaker 3: to mingle, they should look into their local areas, especially
Speaker 3: as we get into these warmer months, for things like
Speaker 3: they do in my area, which is this Sunset Park
Speaker 3: concert thing that is free and it happens every single week.
Speaker 3: I mean hundreds of people show up to this and
Speaker 3: like bring blankets and snacks and their dogs. And again,
Speaker 3: I'm not single, and I mean I am single, but
Speaker 3: I'm not looking to mingle. I just go for you know,
Speaker 3: fresh air and stuff like that in.
Speaker 1: Content for it for podcasts too, exactly.
Speaker 3: I'm there just you know, sitting on a blanket waiting
Speaker 3: for a weirdo to come and talk to me.
Speaker 4: But thank you mister.
Speaker 3: Wright, for you know, really letting me know that I'm
Speaker 3: actually not crazy that that was a weird interaction. And hey,
Speaker 3: men that are married, don't do that.
Speaker 2: No, Yeah, I think, yeah, I think that you can
Speaker 2: go up and pet a dog.
Speaker 1: That's fine.
Speaker 2: I think that I would do it with the with
Speaker 2: the toddler or with the wife or or whatever.
Speaker 3: Or don't sit down like that. Was the other thing.
Speaker 3: It was like come over, say hi to the dog,
Speaker 3: but it was the sitting.
Speaker 1: Down making yourself comfortable.
Speaker 4: Yeah, so what'd you get up to this weekend? I
Speaker 4: was literally was like, uh, I.
Speaker 3: Was, and I felt compelled to like say something super interesting.
Speaker 1: I know.
Speaker 3: I was like, I was like, Oh, what did we
Speaker 3: do today? I was like, I went to a new
Speaker 3: coffee shop. And then he was like wanting to know
Speaker 3: what it was, and I was like, Oh, it's blah
Speaker 3: blah blah.
Speaker 4: And then he looked confused, and I was like, it's
Speaker 4: near where we live.
Speaker 2: I don't I don't think he was even listening to
Speaker 2: your answers. I think he just wanted to.
Speaker 1: Be in your space. So I think you take take
Speaker 1: that as a compliment. Take that as a compliment.
Speaker 3: It makes me feel strange, It makes me feel that like,
Speaker 3: I don't know, it makes me feel and who knows.
Speaker 3: I think he was married. I think I saw a ring.
Speaker 3: But I just feel like, I mean, let me ask
Speaker 3: you this, mister Wright. I've always been of the mindset
Speaker 3: that men and women can be friends. It's not that
Speaker 3: I don't think that they can't be friends, but I
Speaker 3: think that when you get married, and when you even
Speaker 3: cross into a more serious level of relationship, that those
Speaker 3: friendship dynamics between men and women change, and I think
Speaker 3: that they should change. I've been in situations. I'll just
Speaker 3: give an example where I was in a long term
Speaker 3: relationship and I had a partner who had a quote
Speaker 3: unquote best friend that was a woman. And when that person,
Speaker 3: the woman, got out of a relationship, my partner thought
Speaker 3: it was appropriate to talk about going on a trip
Speaker 3: together with this person to help them get over their breakup,
Speaker 3: because that's what that person did for them when they
Speaker 3: were in college.
Speaker 4: And I had.
Speaker 3: To have this conversation because I was a little bit
Speaker 3: annoyed by this that I felt like this was a
Speaker 3: very obvious thing, that this was inappropriate, and they were
Speaker 3: painting me as like being jealous, and I was like, no,
Speaker 3: I'm not jealous. I think it's inappropriate based on how
Speaker 3: long our relationship has been. And then I also felt
Speaker 3: the need to point out that this woman was in
Speaker 3: a very vulnerable state at this time.
Speaker 4: She had just ended an engagement.
Speaker 3: And I said, I don't know if being in close
Speaker 3: quarters with a man is.
Speaker 4: A safe thing to do.
Speaker 3: And I said, and to maintain your friendship. I don't
Speaker 3: think you want to put yourself in a situation that
Speaker 3: could possibly go too far, because once you go too far,
Speaker 3: she makes a pass at you whatever, you can't go
Speaker 3: back to being friends after that. So you might want
Speaker 3: to avoid that kind of situation altogether. I was met
Speaker 3: with it's not like that, she's like that. I'm not
Speaker 3: interested in her.
Speaker 4: Da da da da da. So uh, I dropped it.
Speaker 3: I let it go, and after I said my piece,
Speaker 3: it never ended up coming to fruition.
Speaker 2: No, we'll never know that the experience experiment never never
Speaker 2: played out.
Speaker 4: Well, I'll tell you this.
Speaker 3: I'll there's a very real possibility that that experience played
Speaker 3: out after my relationship ended. I would not be surprised
Speaker 3: if those two went on a little trip together.
Speaker 4: But what do you think about that?
Speaker 3: What do you think about men and women being friends,
Speaker 3: close friends, not acquaintances, moost friends. As you know, marriages
Speaker 3: and deeper relationships develop outside of that friendship.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so I think that And this came actually up
Speaker 2: in our other episode. Previously talked a little bit about
Speaker 2: the dynamic of girl friends and guy friends. And you know,
Speaker 2: I think as you get older, I think that it
Speaker 2: gets easier to have guy and girlfriends. I think you
Speaker 2: know when you're younger that you know it can be
Speaker 2: difficult just because you know, everything's I don't know, everything's
Speaker 2: just so like experimental, and you're going through so many
Speaker 2: changes in your lives, and this person that with your friend,
Speaker 2: you think, well, maybe they'retually supposed to be my girlfriend,
Speaker 2: or maybe they're supposed to be my wife or my
Speaker 2: husband or whatever else, because I do get along with
Speaker 2: them so well. So at my age now, I actually
Speaker 2: have really really good girl friends, and it's never but
Speaker 2: it's never been any question mark about anything more than
Speaker 2: just you know, friends that are just you know, respect
Speaker 2: each other and give good advice and all these sorts
Speaker 2: of things.
Speaker 3: Well, sorry, let me ask you this, mister, right, did
Speaker 3: you have these girl friends, these good girl friends when
Speaker 3: you were in your chapter one?
Speaker 1: Not really not the same way.
Speaker 2: I mean, this is definitely it's definitely changed, okay, because
Speaker 2: you know, primarily out of respect for my you know,
Speaker 2: my my my previous partner, spouse, and so they're just
Speaker 2: just was I think it wasn't appropriate to have, you know,
Speaker 2: friends that were getting the same information you know, that
Speaker 2: i'd be sharing with my wife with them. So but
Speaker 2: now that that, now that I'm that I'm single, you know,
Speaker 2: I've developed probably closer relationships with friends that are that
Speaker 2: are girls that I've had friends with all along. But
Speaker 2: I can promise you it hasn't been anything that has
Speaker 2: been you know, that has towed the line of anything
Speaker 2: you know, romantic or anything else like that, even at
Speaker 2: a convenience or whatever else. It's never been like that,
Speaker 2: because I do know you said it just a minute ago.
Speaker 2: That is, you know, once you cross that line, coming
Speaker 2: back is an impossibility exactly. But you know, I think
Speaker 2: as you get older, I think it's I mean personally,
Speaker 2: I think it's easier to have good, close, even best
Speaker 2: friends that are of the opposite sex.
Speaker 3: Well, let's talk about that when you get into your
Speaker 3: next relationship.
Speaker 4: Because this is where where I.
Speaker 3: And again I identify as a feminist. I absolutely love women.
Speaker 3: Women make up my circle of friends.
Speaker 4: I do not have.
Speaker 3: Straight male friends. I have straight male acquaintances, guys that
Speaker 3: I've worked with, Guys that I enjoy seeing, you know,
Speaker 3: every once in a while. But I do not have
Speaker 3: a best friend, male buddy that I call or hang
Speaker 3: out with or anything like that. Not saying that that's wrong.
Speaker 3: It's just that's how my life has kind of always been.
Speaker 3: I have sisters, I don't have brothers. I just always
Speaker 3: grew up around a lot of women. So I love women,
Speaker 3: and I do believe that men and women can be friends.
Speaker 3: My issue is when being in a relationship with a man,
Speaker 3: I do not want somebody that is going to talk
Speaker 3: about our issues or things between us to get a
Speaker 3: woman's opinion or a woman's take on instead of coming
Speaker 3: to me. It's one thing when guys talk about their
Speaker 3: issues with other guys, and guys will give you a
Speaker 3: like guys give each other whatever kind of advice guys give,
Speaker 3: but it's a different It feels it feels disrespectful in
Speaker 3: a way, and maybe it's coming from a genuine place, like, oh,
Speaker 3: I don't know how to talk to her, blah blah
Speaker 3: blah blah blah blah blah, So I'm going to go
Speaker 3: talk to my female best friend who might give me
Speaker 3: some perspective to me. I think that that's inappropriate. I
Speaker 3: think you should be having those kinds of conversations with
Speaker 3: your woman. And it makes I just have experienced this
Speaker 3: more than once of guys that as I look back
Speaker 3: on patterns in my relationships and why I'm at where
Speaker 3: I'm at now. The similarity I see with guys that
Speaker 3: I've been in relationships with is they tend to be
Speaker 3: less alpha men, and they tend to have female friends.
Speaker 3: And one boyfriend I had, anytime we got into a disagreement,
Speaker 3: would run to said female friend to talk about it,
Speaker 3: bitch about it. And then that girl has this mentality
Speaker 3: anytime we were around each other and things were fine,
Speaker 3: that she knew, she knew everything, She knew everything that
Speaker 3: went on in our relationship, which is I think a
Speaker 3: violation and I don't think.
Speaker 4: Is great.
Speaker 3: And so now again I very much love women and
Speaker 3: identify as a feminist, but I don't It's very strange
Speaker 3: for me now when I if I were to get
Speaker 3: back out there in date, if I were to meet
Speaker 3: another guy that was like, yeah, my best friend is
Speaker 3: so and so, it would.
Speaker 4: It would make me uncomfortable.
Speaker 3: And I will say in my last relationship, when I
Speaker 3: met said best friend for the first time, I wasn't
Speaker 3: greeted with a warm response.
Speaker 2: And this is this is the guy's girlfriend, a friend
Speaker 2: that's a girl friend and you're meeting her and you're saying,
Speaker 2: she was just very.
Speaker 3: Like I remember she I felt very excluded from the conversation,
Speaker 3: and I remember her turning to me at one point
Speaker 3: and going, so sorry, we're gabbing.
Speaker 4: We've just known each other for so long.
Speaker 2: So okay, in a guy's defense, just so. And I've
Speaker 2: been on the wrong side of this unfortunately. But you know,
Speaker 2: oftentimes and when we're looking for a woman's perspective that's
Speaker 2: not our partner or whatever, it's a we're really trying
Speaker 2: to be sensitive, like we're trying to be like, wait,
Speaker 2: what am I missing?
Speaker 3: I fully understand that the intention is pure, like it's
Speaker 3: a good thing.
Speaker 2: I get that, Yeah, but I have also been bitten
Speaker 2: with that and it has been like, why do you
Speaker 2: need to go talk to that person? He could have
Speaker 2: talked talked to me about it exactly, And I'm saying, well,
Speaker 2: why didn't want to upset you? Or this was something
Speaker 2: that we were going through, and so I was trying
Speaker 2: to fix it before it was a problem.
Speaker 1: Unfortunately it was already a problem.
Speaker 4: Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 3: It's like I would not have a problem if men
Speaker 3: went to other men for that kind of advice. I
Speaker 3: think that women operate differently amongst each other when it
Speaker 3: comes to knowing information and how they act. So again,
Speaker 3: like I said, this girl the interaction, and by this point,
Speaker 3: I mean we'd already been together for six seven years
Speaker 3: or something at this point when I met this person
Speaker 3: for the first time, and I just remember walking away
Speaker 3: from that interaction being like, they didn't ask me anything
Speaker 3: about myself, they weren't interested in getting to know me.
Speaker 4: And then sure enough, a month.
Speaker 3: Later, we found out that she was now single, her
Speaker 3: engagement had been called off, and she was wanting to.
Speaker 4: Go on a trip. And I thought that was strange too.
Speaker 3: I remember having this conversation with a friend of mine
Speaker 3: because I was I was peeved, right irritated by this,
Speaker 3: and I remember being like, am I being insane? And
Speaker 3: my friend being like, did she ask you to come
Speaker 3: on the trip? And I said, no, not that I'm
Speaker 3: aware of, and she goes. Then that's a direct disassociation
Speaker 3: of your relationship. You would never ask a man, right,
Speaker 3: A woman would never ask a man who's married to
Speaker 3: go on a trip with her, Right, No, we would
Speaker 3: never do that, right, So why would she ask somebody
Speaker 3: that's been in a relationship for six seven years at
Speaker 3: this point to go on a trip with her, and
Speaker 3: I remember.
Speaker 1: Being like, great, that's crazy, right.
Speaker 4: It's crazy. I thought it was actually crazy.
Speaker 3: And I remember being like, so are you going to
Speaker 3: stay in separate rooms?
Speaker 4: Like what's happening?
Speaker 3: And I remember my boyfriend being like, I just let
Speaker 3: her plan all that stuff.
Speaker 2: Well, this is this is actually another, I think another episode.
Speaker 2: An interesting talk topic is exes and how they relate
Speaker 2: to one another in terms of like what is the
Speaker 2: chapter two look like separately? You know, when you have children, Like,
Speaker 2: what's the dynamic between an ex husband and an ex wife?
Speaker 2: What's appropriate? What's you know? What is too much? What's
Speaker 2: too little? Do you go on vacations if you have
Speaker 2: young kids together? Do you you know, do you go
Speaker 2: to dinners together? Do you go to celebrations together? What's
Speaker 2: the what's the line at which you draw that? You know,
Speaker 2: if there's a boyfriend or a girlfriend in the chapter two,
Speaker 2: how do they see the relationship with the you know,
Speaker 2: with their partner's previous spouse, Like there is and I
Speaker 2: see it a lot right now, because you know, there's
Speaker 2: a lot of ambical breakups.
Speaker 1: Not every breakup ends up in you.
Speaker 2: Know, throwing plates across the kitchen and screaming, yelling a
Speaker 2: lot of them.
Speaker 1: You know, people are growing apart or whatever else.
Speaker 2: And so you're still raising kids together, you still have
Speaker 2: a history together, whether that's five years, ten, what the
Speaker 2: time is, but especially with kids, and so what are
Speaker 2: the rules of engagement in terms of what's appropriate in
Speaker 2: terms of spending time together as that family unit was
Speaker 2: when you were married versus now as divorced parents of
Speaker 2: those of those kids.
Speaker 1: And I think it's a there's a lot to impact there, definitely.
Speaker 3: Yeah, So listeners, send in your questions or leave us
Speaker 3: a voicemail. All the info is in the show notes.
Speaker 3: Thanks mister right for basically confirming I'm not crazy.
Speaker 4: Really appreciate your advice.
Speaker 1: All right, guys, we've run out of time.
Speaker 2: There were so many questions coming in on our email
Speaker 2: and our voicemails that we need to dedicate an entire
Speaker 2: another episode to this, So follow along for part two
Speaker 2: of this episode on I Do.
Speaker 1: Part two