1 00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:03,360 Speaker 1: Hey, y'all, welcome back to She Pivots. This is Tasmin Carter. 2 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:17,599 Speaker 2: Welcome to She Pivots, the podcast where we talk with 3 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:20,919 Speaker 2: women who dared to pivot out of one career and 4 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:25,320 Speaker 2: into something new and explore how their personal lives impacted 5 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:29,320 Speaker 2: these decisions. I'm your host Emily Tish Sussman. 6 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:33,400 Speaker 1: Today. 7 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:35,839 Speaker 2: I'm honored to have Tasmin Carter on the show to 8 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:38,280 Speaker 2: share her story and with the world for the first 9 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:42,519 Speaker 2: time ever. Her story is one of resilience, strength, and 10 00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:47,199 Speaker 2: empathy after going through some unimaginable hard times. When I 11 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:49,919 Speaker 2: first met Tasmin, the first thing I recognized was her 12 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:53,760 Speaker 2: warmth and kindness. It radiates around her and you'd never 13 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:57,360 Speaker 2: know the hardship she's gone through. Tasmin is the daughter 14 00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:00,120 Speaker 2: of an affair between her mother, who is black, and 15 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:03,000 Speaker 2: her father, a white man with a family from the Midwest. 16 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:07,400 Speaker 2: It was a complicated relationship for Tasman that would eventually 17 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:11,000 Speaker 2: come full circle for her later in life. Beyond her parents, 18 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:14,840 Speaker 2: her childhood was equally tumultuous. She was placed into foster 19 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:17,760 Speaker 2: care when she was a young teen. Then at just seventeen, 20 00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:20,600 Speaker 2: she made the heart wrenching decision to place her baby 21 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:24,440 Speaker 2: for adoption. With no high school education and nowhere to go, 22 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:28,280 Speaker 2: Tasman was homeless, staying with anyone who would take her in. 23 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:31,520 Speaker 2: But she knew this couldn't be it for her, so 24 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,880 Speaker 2: she worked tirelessly to earn her ged and started applying 25 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:39,319 Speaker 2: for temp jobs. Smart and hard working, it's no surprise 26 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:42,039 Speaker 2: that the very first company she worked for loved her 27 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:46,360 Speaker 2: and kept her on full time. Single handedly pulling herself 28 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:50,280 Speaker 2: out of an incredibly dire situation, Tasmin began to build 29 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:54,200 Speaker 2: a life and a family. She got married, had her son, 30 00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:58,360 Speaker 2: got divorced, then put herself through night school and finished 31 00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:03,760 Speaker 2: after twelve years. Then Tasman's life took another dramatic turn 32 00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:07,720 Speaker 2: when she is diagnosed with stage three cancer, a battle 33 00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:12,520 Speaker 2: she faced with unwavering faith and courage. Now Tasman has 34 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:16,600 Speaker 2: channeled her own experience and started Forward Hope, a nonprofit 35 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:19,160 Speaker 2: dedicated to providing a home to those who have aged 36 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:22,280 Speaker 2: out of the foster care system. This is just scratching 37 00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:26,400 Speaker 2: the surface of tasman incredibly inspiring story. This truly is 38 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:29,639 Speaker 2: an episode you won't want to miss. Before we get 39 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:32,200 Speaker 2: into Tasman's story, I want to take a moment. To 40 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:35,239 Speaker 2: note that this episode contains references to abuse and other 41 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:36,280 Speaker 2: sensitive topics. 42 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:45,120 Speaker 1: Please listen with care. My name is Tasman Carter. I 43 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:48,520 Speaker 1: am an executive assistant at Tiaa, a financial services firm. 44 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:53,000 Speaker 2: Okay, so we're going to wind all the way back. 45 00:02:53,639 --> 00:02:56,080 Speaker 2: Tell us about little Tasman. Where were you born? What 46 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:56,880 Speaker 2: was her family like? 47 00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:01,280 Speaker 1: So, little Tasman was born in Charlotte, North Carolina, the South, 48 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:03,560 Speaker 1: born and bred. I love to say it that way. 49 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:08,720 Speaker 1: I am the third daughter of my mom and the 50 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:12,680 Speaker 1: third child of my dad. I am the product of 51 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:19,119 Speaker 1: a biracial relationship, which was highly unusual in the seventies 52 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:21,720 Speaker 1: in the South. And in addition to that, my dad 53 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:26,519 Speaker 1: was married, always was married. So he do someone other 54 00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:28,840 Speaker 1: than your mother? Yes, So he ended up fathering a 55 00:03:28,919 --> 00:03:31,640 Speaker 1: child in the South that his family was unaware of. 56 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:33,920 Speaker 1: He met my mom when he came in town on 57 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:37,440 Speaker 1: a business trip and she was singing in the lounge 58 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:40,000 Speaker 1: of the hotel that he was staying at, and she 59 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:42,280 Speaker 1: got off the stage to take a break and he 60 00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:45,360 Speaker 1: called her over, and you know, it was like, hi, 61 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:47,760 Speaker 1: you know, what's your name? And so they ended up 62 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:51,560 Speaker 1: talking and he goes, what's your sign and she goes, 63 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:54,080 Speaker 1: I'm a Taurus. He goes, what's your birthday and she 64 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:56,280 Speaker 1: goes April twenty first, and he was like, that's my 65 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:58,440 Speaker 1: birthday too, and she was like, no, you're lying, pull 66 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:01,480 Speaker 1: out your license, pulls out the line, and then thus 67 00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:04,360 Speaker 1: begins the two year affair, which I. 68 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:07,000 Speaker 2: Was the result of. Your mother must have had a 69 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:09,440 Speaker 2: lot of of charismas like a lot of spice. 70 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:12,560 Speaker 1: Did she bring that into the rest of her life. No, Actually, 71 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:14,760 Speaker 1: I'm going to say so. She ended up being the 72 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,560 Speaker 1: single parent of three daughters, and I think that that 73 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:19,600 Speaker 1: takes a little bit out of you, trying to do 74 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:21,960 Speaker 1: everything on your own. She would be married a couple 75 00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:24,719 Speaker 1: of times here and there, but never anything that had 76 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:28,560 Speaker 1: lasting effects to it. So life just kind of got 77 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:31,240 Speaker 1: the best of her. So she still has it, but 78 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:33,880 Speaker 1: I don't think she ever used it to the potential 79 00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:34,560 Speaker 1: that she could have. 80 00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:38,000 Speaker 2: What did you picture for your future when you were young? 81 00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:39,359 Speaker 2: I didn't. 82 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:42,600 Speaker 1: I was very much in survival mode from the time 83 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:45,599 Speaker 1: I can remember really just taking the day as it 84 00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:49,640 Speaker 1: came and almost bracing for each day, not really looking 85 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:52,880 Speaker 1: forward to anything but trying to see how I could 86 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:57,240 Speaker 1: survive the day or endure the day. I can't remember 87 00:04:57,320 --> 00:05:00,920 Speaker 1: a time until I was grown that I could look 88 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:05,240 Speaker 1: with anticipation to the future. What was the relationship like 89 00:05:05,279 --> 00:05:09,000 Speaker 1: with your father? So I never knew who my dad was. 90 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:11,760 Speaker 1: My mom did not tell me his name until I 91 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:15,440 Speaker 1: was sixteen years old. On my sixteenth birthday, I receive 92 00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:18,320 Speaker 1: a card in the mail and it says, happy birthday, 93 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:21,680 Speaker 1: can't wait to see you, love your dad. I was 94 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:24,080 Speaker 1: like what. So I go into my mom like she 95 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,760 Speaker 1: proudly hands me the card to like, here, you've got 96 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,880 Speaker 1: mail today, and I read the card and I go 97 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:31,919 Speaker 1: what is this? And she goes, he's coming in town. 98 00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:35,080 Speaker 1: I said what, I said, what is his name? And 99 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:36,839 Speaker 1: then that's when she told me his name. I didn't 100 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:39,000 Speaker 1: even know the man's name until I turned sixty. You 101 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:41,799 Speaker 1: curious or not even Oh? No, absolutely. I had asked 102 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:44,640 Speaker 1: multiple times about him, like where is my dad? Do 103 00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:47,320 Speaker 1: I have any other siblings? Who is my dad? Why 104 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:50,360 Speaker 1: do I look so different than the rest of my siblings? 105 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:52,640 Speaker 1: So all I knew is that my dad was white. 106 00:05:52,839 --> 00:05:54,960 Speaker 1: That's all I knew. Yeah, So what was that first 107 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:58,560 Speaker 1: time meeting your dad? That was very uncomfortable? He came 108 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:03,760 Speaker 1: in town and we had dinner, and he's fifteen years 109 00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:08,880 Speaker 1: older than my mom, so totally different culture. He's from 110 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:12,720 Speaker 1: the Midwest, we're from the South. And they were just, 111 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,719 Speaker 1: you know, getting along so well, and I felt like 112 00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:19,520 Speaker 1: I was more of a onlooker. Oh, your mom was there, Yeah, 113 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:21,080 Speaker 1: she went to dinner with us. I didn't want to 114 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,400 Speaker 1: be with him alone. I didn't know who this man was. 115 00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:27,279 Speaker 1: What did he tell you about the rest of his life? 116 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:30,480 Speaker 1: He said, And I did ask. I said, why haven't 117 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:33,120 Speaker 1: you told your So that's when I found out he 118 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,520 Speaker 1: was married. He told me that he was married, and 119 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:37,680 Speaker 1: I said, well, why haven't you told your family that 120 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:41,160 Speaker 1: I exist? And he said that it would kill his 121 00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:44,560 Speaker 1: wife if she knew that he had been unfaithful and 122 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:47,640 Speaker 1: had fathered a child outside of their relationship. 123 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:50,240 Speaker 2: Yeah, how did that make you feel? Like? Nothing? 124 00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:55,400 Speaker 1: Still, she tried to maintain a relationship with her father. 125 00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:59,359 Speaker 1: It wasn't the best relationship, so he had set up 126 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:02,400 Speaker 1: a po box for me to write too. He maintained 127 00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:06,279 Speaker 1: the secrecy throughout his entire life. He never divulged to 128 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:10,120 Speaker 1: his family that he fathered a child outside of that 129 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:13,880 Speaker 1: primary relationship. So he would call me from time to 130 00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:17,960 Speaker 1: time He would write letters for you know, birthdays and 131 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:24,720 Speaker 1: major events, but it was never anything that was It 132 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:27,880 Speaker 1: just didn't have any depth. It was very superficial and 133 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:30,360 Speaker 1: like he would never like I never called him dad. 134 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,840 Speaker 1: He never said I loved you. What he would say 135 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:35,720 Speaker 1: at the end of the conversations was. 136 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:36,280 Speaker 2: God love you. 137 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,880 Speaker 1: That's how he would in the conversations, God Love you. 138 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:45,080 Speaker 2: Tasman's childhood was anything but stable. By just eighteen, she 139 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:49,160 Speaker 2: had moved over sixteen times. They were always very quick. 140 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:52,520 Speaker 1: It would be from not paying the rent, or her 141 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:58,240 Speaker 1: being in domestic violence relationships, in needing to escape. Nothing 142 00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:01,840 Speaker 1: was ever planned that I can remember. I remember days 143 00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:04,800 Speaker 1: when she would leave and say, okay, I'll be back 144 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:07,600 Speaker 1: tonight and when I come back, I'll bring food. And 145 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:09,640 Speaker 1: she would come home at the end of the day 146 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:13,440 Speaker 1: with a loaf of bread and a pack of sandwich 147 00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:16,240 Speaker 1: meat and maybe some kool aid, and that is what 148 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:19,160 Speaker 1: we would eat for that day. I remember often going 149 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:22,880 Speaker 1: to the food pantry, always using food stamps to pay 150 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:28,280 Speaker 1: for food, often just going hungry. 151 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:31,840 Speaker 2: That charismatic woman that Tasman spoke about earlier didn't show 152 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,640 Speaker 2: up for her in that way, let alone protect her 153 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,640 Speaker 2: as Tasmin grew up, things got. 154 00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:43,640 Speaker 1: Worse, so I was abused from the age of three 155 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:46,760 Speaker 1: to thirteen. At the age of thirteen, I was removed 156 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:49,760 Speaker 1: from my home and put into foster care. I had 157 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:55,160 Speaker 1: told my mom regularly over the years, because she had 158 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:59,280 Speaker 1: three daughters, she was really a magnet for pedophiles, and 159 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:03,480 Speaker 1: she never really grasped that. So me and another sister 160 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:05,960 Speaker 1: would always tell her, you know, we're having to endure 161 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:09,320 Speaker 1: this not only from your husband's she was married five times, 162 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:12,520 Speaker 1: but also from their friends. So pedophiles have friends, and 163 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:14,880 Speaker 1: they bring the friends along whenever they have free reign 164 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:19,360 Speaker 1: to the children. So we told her regularly and often, 165 00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:22,600 Speaker 1: and she just refused to believe us. She would say 166 00:09:22,679 --> 00:09:25,600 Speaker 1: that we didn't want to see her happy, or we 167 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:30,120 Speaker 1: were lying, or she any excuse that She just did 168 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:33,000 Speaker 1: not want to accept that the man she had chosen 169 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:36,000 Speaker 1: or who had chosen her, was capable of doing this, 170 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:39,520 Speaker 1: so she left us in situations for long periods of time. 171 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:43,640 Speaker 1: So I've been groomed by several pedophiles, had to endure 172 00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:47,520 Speaker 1: several of their advances. But when I got to eighteen, 173 00:09:47,679 --> 00:09:50,080 Speaker 1: I've learned that pedophiles have a particular type in an 174 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:53,200 Speaker 1: age group that they like. And so at that point 175 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:56,320 Speaker 1: I was starting my body was starting to you know, 176 00:09:56,480 --> 00:10:01,240 Speaker 1: I was heading into puberty and his grooming was and 177 00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:03,480 Speaker 1: I knew that if I didn't get out of that 178 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:06,280 Speaker 1: home soon, that I would be at a point of 179 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:08,800 Speaker 1: no return, like I wasn't going to be able to 180 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,280 Speaker 1: come back from that. I still had some resilience, I 181 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:13,800 Speaker 1: still had some fight, I still had some you're not 182 00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:16,520 Speaker 1: doing this to me. But you know, after so long 183 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:21,679 Speaker 1: of an adult not responding to your cries for help, 184 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:25,280 Speaker 1: then you can easily get to the point where you 185 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:28,040 Speaker 1: feel like there's no hope. So I don't know how 186 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:30,480 Speaker 1: they do it today because of all the technology, But 187 00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:34,280 Speaker 1: back in the day, there were posters put up on 188 00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:37,200 Speaker 1: the walls in my school and it said if you 189 00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:39,440 Speaker 1: need help or if you just need someone to talk to, 190 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:41,960 Speaker 1: you can call this number, and it was for kids. 191 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:44,640 Speaker 1: And both of my sisters at this point had left 192 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,920 Speaker 1: the home. So now I'm at home by myself. So 193 00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:52,320 Speaker 1: you're about thirteen here, and I am knowing that I 194 00:10:52,559 --> 00:10:54,640 Speaker 1: need to do something. Now she's not going to do it. 195 00:10:54,679 --> 00:10:57,199 Speaker 1: So if something's going to get done, I'm going to 196 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,040 Speaker 1: have to do it. So I called the number and 197 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:01,240 Speaker 1: I was just talking to the guy was a young fellow. 198 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:03,880 Speaker 1: His name was Jake. I'll never forget his name, and 199 00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:07,520 Speaker 1: he probably was in his twenties. He probably was getting 200 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:10,440 Speaker 1: his graduate degree. And this was probably, you know, hours 201 00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:12,640 Speaker 1: towards that, because I could tell he was really young. 202 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,320 Speaker 1: And when I started telling him what I was having 203 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:18,960 Speaker 1: to endure at home, he started asking very poignant questions, 204 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,760 Speaker 1: what school do you go to? So now I was like, 205 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:23,160 Speaker 1: I'm not telling you that, like you're not wrecking my life. 206 00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:25,720 Speaker 1: Like I wanted help, but I didn't know how to 207 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:27,920 Speaker 1: get out of the situation. But he was so good. 208 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:31,760 Speaker 1: He asked me just enough questions to where he could 209 00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:34,840 Speaker 1: figure out where I went to school, who my teachers were, 210 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,240 Speaker 1: how he could help me. And the very next day, 211 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,240 Speaker 1: I'm at school and I get called out from one 212 00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:42,000 Speaker 1: of my classrooms into the guidance office and there's a 213 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:45,080 Speaker 1: police officer, there's a social worker, and there's a guardian 214 00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:47,600 Speaker 1: at item. And that's when they informed me that I 215 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:50,600 Speaker 1: would not be going back home. And oddly enough, as 216 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:53,840 Speaker 1: scared as I was, my time in foster care was 217 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,360 Speaker 1: the safest that I ever felt. 218 00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:56,600 Speaker 2: How you feel safe? 219 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:59,599 Speaker 1: And secure and scared out your mind and truly is 220 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:05,079 Speaker 1: an ox smron But I knew that finally I was safe. 221 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,520 Speaker 2: Had you ever thought that you would be taken from 222 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:12,640 Speaker 2: the home like it had been something you had contemplated could happen. No, 223 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:14,400 Speaker 2: it never. 224 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:17,000 Speaker 1: Occurred to me that they In my mind, in that 225 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:21,040 Speaker 1: child's mind, he was going to go and I was 226 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:23,760 Speaker 1: going to get to stay. It never occurred to me 227 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:25,959 Speaker 1: that they were going to take me. But when they 228 00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:29,760 Speaker 1: took me, there's what psychologists call a light bulb moment 229 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:33,120 Speaker 1: or memory that you always remember all of the details, 230 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:36,199 Speaker 1: the smells, all of that, and I'll never forget. It 231 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:40,079 Speaker 1: was the very first court hearing, and this court hearing 232 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,120 Speaker 1: was going to decide when I was going to be 233 00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:47,200 Speaker 1: able to go back home and under what circumstances. And 234 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:50,280 Speaker 1: we're in there and the judge is like, did anyone 235 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:54,320 Speaker 1: tell her mom that this court hearing was happening today? 236 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,240 Speaker 1: And they were like, yes, we informed her by several means, 237 00:12:57,679 --> 00:13:00,080 Speaker 1: And so he kept pushing off, will go to the 238 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:02,960 Speaker 1: next case, waiting for her to arrive, and so she 239 00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:07,200 Speaker 1: never showed up. So on that day they actually put 240 00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:11,160 Speaker 1: so the judge said, you will now be a ward 241 00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:15,000 Speaker 1: of the state, so she chose the husband. 242 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:18,600 Speaker 2: She was in and out of facilities in foster homes 243 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:22,560 Speaker 2: for the next several years. Like most child welfare policies, 244 00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:26,800 Speaker 2: the goal is always reunification sometimes no matter the circumstance, 245 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:31,160 Speaker 2: and Tasman's experience was no different. She was eventually placed 246 00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:35,840 Speaker 2: back into her mother's home. So after I was put 247 00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:38,400 Speaker 2: back in the home. So the marriage did not last 248 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:41,240 Speaker 2: between my mom and that husband, so he ended up leaving. 249 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,839 Speaker 2: I was able to go back, but the relationship at 250 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:49,319 Speaker 2: that point was not salvageable. We would live together sporadically, 251 00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,719 Speaker 2: but she would always I would do something and she 252 00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:54,319 Speaker 2: would ask me to leave, so I was always in 253 00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:58,079 Speaker 2: and out of the home. So by the time I 254 00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:01,640 Speaker 2: was seventeen years old, so now we've got a few 255 00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:04,400 Speaker 2: years of me being back in the house. I ended 256 00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:09,760 Speaker 2: up getting pregnant, and statistics say that children who age 257 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:13,080 Speaker 2: out of the foster care system, sixty percent of the 258 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:16,280 Speaker 2: girls become pregnant within the first year of leaving care, 259 00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:19,960 Speaker 2: and that was me. So I found myself pregnant at 260 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,680 Speaker 2: the age of seventeen, ended up going back home. She 261 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:25,840 Speaker 2: allowed me to come back home, but when the child 262 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:30,280 Speaker 2: was six weeks old, she asked that we leave. He 263 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:33,040 Speaker 2: had his days and nights mixed up, so he would 264 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:36,440 Speaker 2: be up throughout the night crying, and I didn't have 265 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:37,240 Speaker 2: any place to go. 266 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:41,200 Speaker 1: So I'm seventeen, I have a six week old baby, newborn, 267 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:45,120 Speaker 1: no pampers, no formula, and a girl that I had 268 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:45,720 Speaker 1: just met. 269 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:49,880 Speaker 2: Her mom said, I will allow you. 270 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:52,120 Speaker 1: And the baby to come and live in the basement 271 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,800 Speaker 1: until you decide what you're going to do. So I 272 00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:59,440 Speaker 1: was there for about four weeks and a woman that 273 00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:02,320 Speaker 1: I went to church with ended up broke ring a 274 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:07,120 Speaker 1: private adoption. The family that took him for me because 275 00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:10,040 Speaker 1: I could not care for him, had agreed to open adoption, 276 00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:13,680 Speaker 1: but they did not keep their word. So in the 277 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:18,280 Speaker 1: state of North Carolina, after thirty days, all of the 278 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:24,320 Speaker 1: birth mother's rights are terminated. And so when the thirty 279 00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:27,960 Speaker 1: day mark was up, her husband came to the apartment 280 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:29,680 Speaker 1: that I was in with my mom at the time 281 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,840 Speaker 1: and said, it's time for you to move on. We're 282 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:35,800 Speaker 1: not going to provide you any updates, any pictures. You 283 00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:37,560 Speaker 1: need to move on with your life and we're going 284 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:41,640 Speaker 1: to move on with ours. And so from that point on, 285 00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:47,000 Speaker 1: They never responded to any messages, any phone calls, any letters. 286 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:50,760 Speaker 1: They just kind of left me out there. And that 287 00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:54,400 Speaker 1: was the beginning of a very very, very dark and 288 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:59,200 Speaker 1: depressed period for me. There's actually large stretches of time 289 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:01,800 Speaker 1: for a few years after that that I have no 290 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,840 Speaker 1: memory of at all. It was very difficult. I remember 291 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:08,160 Speaker 1: not being able to hear a child cry. I would 292 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:12,560 Speaker 1: like Mother's Day was the worst day ever. It was 293 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:16,800 Speaker 1: just several years of a very deep and dark depression. 294 00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:19,160 Speaker 1: And I was also homeless during that time as well, 295 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:22,600 Speaker 1: just living from pillar to post. I remember one time, 296 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:25,960 Speaker 1: I mean, I can laugh at it now, all of 297 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,320 Speaker 1: the belongings that I had in the world actually fit 298 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:31,600 Speaker 1: into a laundry basket. One laundry basket, so everything that 299 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,400 Speaker 1: I possibly owned. And when I went from this house 300 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:37,400 Speaker 1: to this house to wherever I could stay for a 301 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:40,400 Speaker 1: couple of days, I had that laundry basket with me, 302 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,840 Speaker 1: not even a bag, but a laundry basket. 303 00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:53,360 Speaker 2: Tasmin was in an unbelievably hard situation and she was 304 00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:59,000 Speaker 2: just seventeen. But Tasman was Tasmin optimistic, kind and hard 305 00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:03,080 Speaker 2: working found her way out after the break. We hear 306 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:05,240 Speaker 2: how Tasmin went from one of the hardest times in 307 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:18,320 Speaker 2: our life to breaking into corporate America. Stay tuned. I 308 00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:21,159 Speaker 2: think for a lot of our listeners that it's really 309 00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:24,159 Speaker 2: when you're in something hard, it's hard to see that 310 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:26,600 Speaker 2: you may ever get out of it. At that time, 311 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:30,080 Speaker 2: you said you were just surviving. Was there a moment 312 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:32,520 Speaker 2: that you felt like, I can get out of this 313 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:33,560 Speaker 2: and I will get out of this. 314 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:39,680 Speaker 1: I was in another state and it was New Year's 315 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:45,800 Speaker 1: Eve going into nineteen ninety nine, and I remember the 316 00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:48,959 Speaker 1: clock counting down. I was in a club and I 317 00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:52,040 Speaker 1: remember going outside onto the patio and I was smoking 318 00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:54,679 Speaker 1: a joint and I was like, Okay, I'm done. I 319 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:58,040 Speaker 1: don't want this life anymore. I want to do something different. 320 00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:01,600 Speaker 1: So I came back to North Carolin. I spent nine 321 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:05,280 Speaker 1: months at a facility in the mountains, just detoxing my body, 322 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:10,640 Speaker 1: detoxing my mind, getting back in touch with God and 323 00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:16,080 Speaker 1: just finding and accepting peace and really looking at myself, 324 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:21,760 Speaker 1: not my situation, but looking at myself and deciding what 325 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,959 Speaker 1: I wanted and how I was going to get it. 326 00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:27,800 Speaker 1: And that was the changing point. It took a while 327 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:32,720 Speaker 1: for me to grieve the loss of my child. And 328 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:35,840 Speaker 1: it took a while for me to get just the 329 00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:38,000 Speaker 1: effects of what I had done to my body, to 330 00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:42,040 Speaker 1: get past that and to want and to find peace, 331 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:43,240 Speaker 1: and then I. 332 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:46,800 Speaker 2: Was ready to move forward. So what did you decide? 333 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,280 Speaker 2: What did you want? And how were you going to 334 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:48,520 Speaker 2: do it? 335 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:53,560 Speaker 1: I decided in this order that I wanted a peaceful life, 336 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:57,320 Speaker 1: that I was not going to ever depend on another person, 337 00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:59,320 Speaker 1: that I was going to make my own way, and 338 00:18:59,359 --> 00:19:01,240 Speaker 1: that I was going to be responsible for it. So 339 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,960 Speaker 1: I was going to get an apartment, and I wanted 340 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,040 Speaker 1: to get married, and I wanted to have a child. 341 00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:07,520 Speaker 2: That is what I decided. 342 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:11,080 Speaker 1: So got a job, got a temporary job at a 343 00:19:11,119 --> 00:19:14,760 Speaker 1: brokerage firm, And while I was at that job, one 344 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:17,840 Speaker 1: of the brokers her husband was an accountant and they 345 00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:21,679 Speaker 1: were looking for a receptionist at his accounting job, and 346 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,280 Speaker 1: she liked me so much she referred me for the job. 347 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:27,720 Speaker 1: I ended up becoming the receptionist at the accounting firm 348 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,479 Speaker 1: and ended up staying there for ten years, slowly working 349 00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:34,040 Speaker 1: my way up into the office manager. Wow, congratulations, thank you. 350 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:37,200 Speaker 1: And how did you start like that very first day? 351 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:38,440 Speaker 1: Like what was the first step? 352 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:40,080 Speaker 2: Like I think It's important to kind of talk through 353 00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,880 Speaker 2: this because people see these big changes and they think, 354 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,160 Speaker 2: oh my god, like that's so instamountable. I can't even 355 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:46,680 Speaker 2: do this medium change in front of me, Like, do 356 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,720 Speaker 2: you remember, like when you left the facility, did you 357 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:52,199 Speaker 2: apply for a job with no address on it? Did 358 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:53,800 Speaker 2: you find an apartment first? 359 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:53,919 Speaker 1: Like? 360 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:55,200 Speaker 2: How did you take that first step? 361 00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:57,840 Speaker 1: So when I left the facility and I came back 362 00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:00,399 Speaker 1: to Charlotte, I was sleeping on the cow coach of 363 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:03,840 Speaker 1: my best friend and she would allow me to drop 364 00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:06,360 Speaker 1: her off at her job and I would take her 365 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,879 Speaker 1: car and I would go fill out applications. And so 366 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:12,439 Speaker 1: I went to a temp agency and they ended up 367 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:15,560 Speaker 1: placing me at the brokerage firm. What did you come 368 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:17,440 Speaker 1: in with You didn't have a high school degree at 369 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:20,399 Speaker 1: that point, right, No, So when I got pregnant, I 370 00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:25,000 Speaker 1: was in high school. But there was not one single 371 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:27,320 Speaker 1: avenue that I did not try to get that degree. 372 00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:30,919 Speaker 1: So they had an alternative school for pregnant girls. I 373 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:34,440 Speaker 1: went there. That didn't work out. They offered night classes 374 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:39,040 Speaker 1: at some of the schools within the area. Did that 375 00:20:39,119 --> 00:20:41,560 Speaker 1: for a little bit. That didn't work out because I 376 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:43,720 Speaker 1: didn't have a car and being on the bus and 377 00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:46,640 Speaker 1: the bus routes they weren't conducive to the school schedule. 378 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:48,760 Speaker 1: So I did that for maybe one semester or two. 379 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:52,280 Speaker 1: Then the community college had classes you could take where 380 00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:55,080 Speaker 1: you could actually walk with your graduating class. To me, 381 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,119 Speaker 1: that was going to take too long, so I actually 382 00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:00,000 Speaker 1: ended up getting my ged. Do you remember when you 383 00:21:00,119 --> 00:21:02,320 Speaker 1: first went to the temp agency and you were figuring 384 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:05,040 Speaker 1: out like how to put a resume together, how to 385 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:09,159 Speaker 1: put an application together? What were the hurdles there for 386 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:12,959 Speaker 1: you and what were you leading with as your biggest attributes? 387 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:16,879 Speaker 1: They taught me there, So they had all these computer classes, 388 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:21,240 Speaker 1: So I learned Microsoft Work, I learned Excel, I learned 389 00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:24,480 Speaker 1: I didn't really I had a little bit of experience 390 00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:27,960 Speaker 1: at the apartment complexes that my mom would live in. 391 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:31,480 Speaker 1: One of them actually had me as their leasing agent, 392 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:34,360 Speaker 1: so I was actually a leasing agent for a few 393 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,440 Speaker 1: apartment complexes, so I had a little bit of experience, 394 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:41,359 Speaker 1: but not any in corporate America. It wasn't until I 395 00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:45,600 Speaker 1: started applying with the temp agencies that they started putting 396 00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:50,000 Speaker 1: me in front of people in corporate America. Yeah, very intimidating. Yeah, 397 00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:53,119 Speaker 1: my very first corporate jobs in Uptown Charlotte at a 398 00:21:53,119 --> 00:21:55,960 Speaker 1: brokerage firm, and I worked high up on the level 399 00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:59,840 Speaker 1: of the skyscraper, which that was intimidating as well. And 400 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:02,760 Speaker 1: I worked with all of these brokers, and I worked 401 00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:05,000 Speaker 1: in the cage. And the cage is where they kept 402 00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:09,080 Speaker 1: the money and where they posted their trades directly to 403 00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:11,359 Speaker 1: the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. So I 404 00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:13,240 Speaker 1: learned how to do all of that while I was 405 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:16,000 Speaker 1: there on a tem job. You've referenced how you didn't 406 00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:17,800 Speaker 1: have a lot of life skills. 407 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:20,359 Speaker 2: Yeah, did you have to learn them in that first 408 00:22:20,359 --> 00:22:22,399 Speaker 2: corporate job. Like as you guys went in there, what 409 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:26,399 Speaker 2: felt like, Oh my god, I'm way out of my depth. So, 410 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:29,440 Speaker 2: because we were so poor and I was the youngest 411 00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:33,040 Speaker 2: of three girls, I always had the hand me downs 412 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:37,159 Speaker 2: of my sisters, so two children would do the clothes 413 00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:39,920 Speaker 2: before they ever got to me. So I never had 414 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:44,480 Speaker 2: like nice clothes at all. And I remember well walking 415 00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:47,480 Speaker 2: into that first corporate job and I was like, oh, 416 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:50,960 Speaker 2: these people, And that day you were suited and booted, 417 00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:53,480 Speaker 2: like the women had to wear pantyhose, you wore a skirt, 418 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:56,159 Speaker 2: like you were expected to look a certain way, And 419 00:22:56,359 --> 00:22:58,240 Speaker 2: you know what ended up doing after my first day. 420 00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:01,840 Speaker 2: I ended up going to thrifts, doors to Goodwill, to 421 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:06,120 Speaker 2: Salvation Army and getting these dresses that were appropriate for work. 422 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,359 Speaker 2: And I bought all of my clothes second hand, just 423 00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:11,440 Speaker 2: so that I could show up looking the part. And 424 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:15,320 Speaker 2: that's the great thing about being able to I'm not 425 00:23:15,359 --> 00:23:18,680 Speaker 2: going to say mimic, but I would watch and observe 426 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,879 Speaker 2: the people that I was around, and if I didn't 427 00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:23,960 Speaker 2: know how to do it, I would watch them and 428 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:24,960 Speaker 2: just mimic what they did. 429 00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:27,879 Speaker 1: I think it's probably a survival skill, absolutely, and it 430 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:31,919 Speaker 1: served me well. Her savvy skills got her far, but 431 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:35,040 Speaker 1: Tasmin didn't have the resources or the people around her 432 00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:38,040 Speaker 1: to get her to see her potential, and as a result, 433 00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:40,520 Speaker 1: she never thought of her life or of a career 434 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:45,439 Speaker 1: beyond receptionist. I never had anyone to tell me that 435 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:48,480 Speaker 1: I could do more. I always thought that I'm just 436 00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:52,040 Speaker 1: going to rock the role that I'm in. And oddly enough, 437 00:23:52,119 --> 00:23:53,879 Speaker 1: it was a friend of mine. I went out to 438 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:55,560 Speaker 1: eat with her and her boyfriend. I had been at 439 00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:58,520 Speaker 1: the accounting firm for maybe at this point five or 440 00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:02,320 Speaker 1: six years now, and he goes you're still just the receptionist, 441 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,040 Speaker 1: Like haven't you been there forever? And I was like yeah. 442 00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:05,240 Speaker 1: He was like, what all do you do? And I 443 00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:07,840 Speaker 1: told him everything I did. He was like, you're an 444 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:10,520 Speaker 1: office manager. He was like, you're not a receptionist. I 445 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:13,440 Speaker 1: was like really and he was like yeah, and he goes, 446 00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:15,119 Speaker 1: this is what you need to say to your boss 447 00:24:15,119 --> 00:24:17,200 Speaker 1: when you go back to work today. And I went 448 00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:19,240 Speaker 1: back to work and I had that conversation with my 449 00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:21,200 Speaker 1: boss and I was like, I do this, this and this, 450 00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:26,000 Speaker 1: and my title should reflect what I do and I 451 00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:28,080 Speaker 1: should also get a pay increase for this as well. 452 00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:30,919 Speaker 1: And that's exactly what I got. But had he not 453 00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:33,280 Speaker 1: told me, I never would have known. You just don't 454 00:24:33,359 --> 00:24:34,199 Speaker 1: know what you don't know. 455 00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:38,840 Speaker 2: As she learned to navigate the corporate world, she still 456 00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:43,080 Speaker 2: lacked quote life skills. As she says when we come back, 457 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:46,359 Speaker 2: Tasman talks about the impact that had on her after 458 00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:47,760 Speaker 2: marrying the wrong man. 459 00:24:55,359 --> 00:24:58,200 Speaker 1: So the very first, very large mistake that I made 460 00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:01,639 Speaker 1: was marrying the gentleman that I'm married. I was so 461 00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:06,520 Speaker 1: wanting just remember I told you, I decided I want 462 00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:08,359 Speaker 1: my own home, I want to be married, and I 463 00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:09,200 Speaker 1: want to have a baby. 464 00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:10,479 Speaker 2: So I was. 465 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:13,479 Speaker 1: So I had such blinders on that that's what I 466 00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:16,479 Speaker 1: was going to do. That the first guy who came along, 467 00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:19,320 Speaker 1: who was willing to do it and who was willing 468 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:21,240 Speaker 1: to want to be with me, I was like, I'm in, 469 00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:21,840 Speaker 1: let's go. 470 00:25:22,359 --> 00:25:22,639 Speaker 2: Yeah. 471 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:25,720 Speaker 1: Little did I know that he was an addict. Six 472 00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:30,200 Speaker 1: maybe six weeks after we were married, I started finding 473 00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:34,600 Speaker 1: empty beer and vodka bottles hidden throughout the house. So 474 00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:38,000 Speaker 1: that's one of the very large mistakes that I made. 475 00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:42,479 Speaker 1: Married him after just knowing him seven months. So just 476 00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:45,640 Speaker 1: not knowing, you know, hey, take your time. You want 477 00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:47,520 Speaker 1: to see a man in every single season of his 478 00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:52,639 Speaker 1: life and believe, but verify right, So and none of 479 00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:55,800 Speaker 1: those things I did. Yeah, I just believed everything he said, 480 00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:58,120 Speaker 1: hook line and sinker, and I was right there. 481 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:00,959 Speaker 2: But you did get the child that you want? Oh 482 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:01,400 Speaker 2: I did? 483 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:04,720 Speaker 1: Oh I did. And I wanted to be a mom 484 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:09,560 Speaker 1: so bad. I wanted to be able to be who 485 00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:13,119 Speaker 1: I never had and give him what I never received, 486 00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:15,919 Speaker 1: and that was very special. We ended up having the 487 00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:18,919 Speaker 1: same birthday, so I had him on my birthday and 488 00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:22,720 Speaker 1: his due date was actually my parents' birthday, both of them. 489 00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:25,560 Speaker 1: Their birthday is April twenty first, so his due date 490 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:28,360 Speaker 1: was actually them, but had him on my birthday and 491 00:26:29,119 --> 00:26:31,159 Speaker 1: just the absolute light of my life. 492 00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:33,600 Speaker 2: But so you didn't say you didn't stay with his mother. 493 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:34,520 Speaker 2: I couldn't. 494 00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:39,240 Speaker 1: He was an addict and he started to become abusive, 495 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:41,240 Speaker 1: although he never abused me. 496 00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:42,959 Speaker 2: He was a mean drunk. 497 00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:47,560 Speaker 1: Some people get joyous and other people get weepy. He 498 00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:51,040 Speaker 1: got mean. So whenever he drank, he was just the 499 00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:54,560 Speaker 1: meanest person you could possibly imagine. And there was one 500 00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:56,679 Speaker 1: particular time we got into an argument and I was 501 00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:59,520 Speaker 1: doing laundry and my son was at my feet, and 502 00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:02,800 Speaker 1: I am very mouthy. I can make a grown man 503 00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:05,120 Speaker 1: cry with these words of mine. And we got into 504 00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:08,760 Speaker 1: an argument and I was not holding any punches, and 505 00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:12,119 Speaker 1: I saw the look in his eyes completely change, and 506 00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:14,720 Speaker 1: he started walking towards me, and I knew if he 507 00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:16,400 Speaker 1: got to me, he was going to put his hands 508 00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:20,720 Speaker 1: on me, so I averted the situation and walked around 509 00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:23,840 Speaker 1: to another part of the house. He approached me at 510 00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:27,320 Speaker 1: the door, picked me up by my neck, and walked 511 00:27:27,359 --> 00:27:30,879 Speaker 1: me back into the kitchen and started going for the 512 00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,560 Speaker 1: drawer that had the knives in them. So I was 513 00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:37,879 Speaker 1: able to talk him down, and at that day, I 514 00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:40,600 Speaker 1: realized that this marriage was not going to make it, 515 00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:43,439 Speaker 1: and so I started making plans to leave. And you 516 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:45,879 Speaker 1: can't just up and leave when you have a small child. 517 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:49,639 Speaker 1: So I started planning that day to leave. So me 518 00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:53,000 Speaker 1: and my son ended up sleeping in a twin bed 519 00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:57,280 Speaker 1: in the spare bedroom of a girlfriend's apartment. And I 520 00:27:57,359 --> 00:28:00,919 Speaker 1: ended up losing everything that I had that I owned. 521 00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:03,879 Speaker 1: All of the vehicles were in my name. I couldn't 522 00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:06,879 Speaker 1: afford to continue to pay for all of that and 523 00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:09,720 Speaker 1: the daycare and all of that, so credit ended up 524 00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:13,600 Speaker 1: getting ruined. He intentionally kept the car and hid the 525 00:28:13,640 --> 00:28:16,040 Speaker 1: car and would not pay for the car. Note told 526 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:18,119 Speaker 1: me he would not even give me a divorce unless 527 00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:20,919 Speaker 1: I paid him money to do so. So it was 528 00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:24,600 Speaker 1: just the worst situation you could imagine. So I ended 529 00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:28,520 Speaker 1: up having to start anew and started from scratch, so 530 00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:31,760 Speaker 1: I needed to make more money. I couldn't continue to 531 00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:34,760 Speaker 1: stay where I was at, so that is when I 532 00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:37,560 Speaker 1: ended up going to the company that I'm at now, 533 00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:41,000 Speaker 1: And that is when I started to go to school 534 00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:44,640 Speaker 1: at night for my undergraduate degree. It took me twelve 535 00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:49,440 Speaker 1: years to get my undergraduate degree. So only two percent 536 00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:52,840 Speaker 1: of children that come out of foster care go on 537 00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:57,239 Speaker 1: to get any extended education, and I am I just 538 00:28:57,320 --> 00:29:01,440 Speaker 1: feel like I'm always a statistic, buttistic that was able 539 00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:08,120 Speaker 1: to overcome. Finally, on her feet, Tasmin was hitting her stride, 540 00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:11,880 Speaker 1: building a beautiful life despite all the bumps in the road. 541 00:29:12,560 --> 00:29:15,840 Speaker 1: After the break, Tasmin talks about how she felt compelled 542 00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:19,280 Speaker 1: to connect with her father's family after he died of cancer. 543 00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:33,080 Speaker 1: So I had promised myself that I would never reach 544 00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:37,160 Speaker 1: out to them, and here's the reason why. I feel like. 545 00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:42,000 Speaker 2: People do what they do for a reason, and if 546 00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:45,600 Speaker 2: they're not here to give what that reason is, it 547 00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:49,080 Speaker 2: is not my place to do that for them. I 548 00:29:49,160 --> 00:29:51,640 Speaker 2: felt like it was such a big secret and that 549 00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:53,920 Speaker 2: he did what he did for a reason, but he's 550 00:29:53,960 --> 00:29:57,480 Speaker 2: not here to explain himself. So I was fine not 551 00:29:57,600 --> 00:30:01,479 Speaker 2: reaching out to them. So how I came about reaching 552 00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:05,160 Speaker 2: out to my brother and sister is maybe about six 553 00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:09,400 Speaker 2: years ago. I had this this thing that would not 554 00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:12,560 Speaker 2: leave me alone, that I needed to reach out to them. 555 00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:15,160 Speaker 2: I had gone from not wanting to reach out to 556 00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:17,360 Speaker 2: them to now I had this thing like, no, you 557 00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:20,360 Speaker 2: need to reach out to them, and So it's a 558 00:30:20,480 --> 00:30:22,400 Speaker 2: year and this thing is messing with me. But I've 559 00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:24,920 Speaker 2: already told myself, you're not going to blow up your dad. 560 00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:27,280 Speaker 2: He's not here to defend himself. Just leave these people be. 561 00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:30,240 Speaker 1: And I knew, let's be clear, once I reached out 562 00:30:30,280 --> 00:30:32,480 Speaker 1: to these people, it was going to rock their world 563 00:30:32,800 --> 00:30:36,200 Speaker 1: and I wasn't trying to do that. So after the 564 00:30:36,320 --> 00:30:39,440 Speaker 1: year of constant prodding, I know now that was just 565 00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:42,480 Speaker 1: God like I need you to I need you to 566 00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:43,320 Speaker 1: reach out to these people. 567 00:30:43,400 --> 00:30:45,200 Speaker 2: So this is what I did. True story. 568 00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:48,800 Speaker 1: It took me maybe about six months to come up 569 00:30:48,840 --> 00:30:51,080 Speaker 1: with how I was going to approach them. So it 570 00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:53,760 Speaker 1: has to be like the perfect way, right, because they 571 00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:57,000 Speaker 1: can think I'm a cuckoo puff, that I'm wanting something 572 00:30:57,040 --> 00:30:59,760 Speaker 1: from them, or that I'm lying Like this could go 573 00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:03,400 Speaker 1: in number of ways. So I reached out to my therapist, 574 00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:06,400 Speaker 1: who helped me to craft a letter that would be 575 00:31:06,640 --> 00:31:11,080 Speaker 1: taken by them without sounding any particular way. And God 576 00:31:11,240 --> 00:31:14,000 Speaker 1: is so good. After I had developed this plan and 577 00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:16,640 Speaker 1: ran it past all my friends and ran it past 578 00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:21,400 Speaker 1: the therapist, I'm sitting next to a girl at my 579 00:31:21,560 --> 00:31:26,400 Speaker 1: job who is adopted, and when she overhears a conversation 580 00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:29,440 Speaker 1: that I have with someone about the letter, and she goes, 581 00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:33,760 Speaker 1: if you only got one shot at these people when 582 00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:36,440 Speaker 1: you contact them, here's what you need to cover in 583 00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:39,480 Speaker 1: the letter. And she tells me you need to cover this, 584 00:31:39,600 --> 00:31:41,440 Speaker 1: you need to cover this, and you need to cover this. 585 00:31:41,640 --> 00:31:43,680 Speaker 1: If this is your only shot, and if they never 586 00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:45,480 Speaker 1: reach out to you, here's what they're going to want 587 00:31:45,480 --> 00:31:49,840 Speaker 1: to know this this, and this was the facts. How 588 00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:53,800 Speaker 1: do I know that I'm their family? How did my 589 00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:57,800 Speaker 1: parents meet? Give them concrete proof that you are not 590 00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:01,240 Speaker 1: some random person reaching out to them trying to pull 591 00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:03,840 Speaker 1: a con And so she just gave me the things 592 00:32:03,840 --> 00:32:05,920 Speaker 1: to put in there, and that's what I did. So 593 00:32:06,560 --> 00:32:08,480 Speaker 1: I said, okay, I said I'm doing it this year. 594 00:32:08,640 --> 00:32:10,200 Speaker 1: I said, here's what I'm going to do. I'm gonna 595 00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:12,480 Speaker 1: give them one holiday. I'm gonna give them Thanksgiving. But 596 00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:15,640 Speaker 1: the day after Thanksgiving, I'm sending the letter and I'm 597 00:32:15,640 --> 00:32:17,840 Speaker 1: blowing up the spot they're getting. 598 00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:20,200 Speaker 2: My letter, the family will have changed, Okay, correct. 599 00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:24,360 Speaker 1: So they had their Thanksgiving dinner and then Thanksgiving evening 600 00:32:24,480 --> 00:32:27,560 Speaker 1: very late, round about midnight, maybe even the day after. 601 00:32:27,760 --> 00:32:31,640 Speaker 1: I send the letter simultaneously to the brother and the 602 00:32:31,680 --> 00:32:32,920 Speaker 1: sister on social media. 603 00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:34,520 Speaker 2: Okay, so here's what I don't know. 604 00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:39,400 Speaker 1: I don't know that my sister runs a large philanthropic 605 00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:43,040 Speaker 1: arm of a brewery, so she's very popular in the 606 00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:45,960 Speaker 1: state of Minnesota, so people reach out to her on 607 00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:49,440 Speaker 1: social media that are cuckoo puffs. So I don't know that. 608 00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:53,360 Speaker 1: My brother, however, he is much more of a straight lace, 609 00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:57,280 Speaker 1: you know. And so he actually reads the letter and 610 00:32:57,400 --> 00:33:00,520 Speaker 1: immediately texts my sister and goes, did you get a 611 00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:03,680 Speaker 1: letter from someone on social media? And ask her to 612 00:33:04,200 --> 00:33:06,240 Speaker 1: take a look at the letter. And so my sister 613 00:33:06,280 --> 00:33:08,280 Speaker 1: takes a look at the letter, and her and her 614 00:33:08,360 --> 00:33:11,080 Speaker 1: husband then read it and they call me that night, 615 00:33:11,560 --> 00:33:14,120 Speaker 1: and so we have a conversation. They asked me very 616 00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:16,840 Speaker 1: probing questions because they do think I'm crazy. They think 617 00:33:16,880 --> 00:33:19,720 Speaker 1: I'm trying to get over And so there were certain 618 00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:22,240 Speaker 1: things that my dad was known for, and I was 619 00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:25,000 Speaker 1: able to give them that information, take pictures of letters 620 00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:26,960 Speaker 1: that he had written me and send it to them, 621 00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:29,320 Speaker 1: and they were like, oh, like, she's for real. 622 00:33:29,840 --> 00:33:30,560 Speaker 2: Wow. 623 00:33:31,040 --> 00:33:33,840 Speaker 1: So we did the DNA test. Of course, the DNA 624 00:33:33,920 --> 00:33:37,520 Speaker 1: test comes back and we're related. But the best thing 625 00:33:37,560 --> 00:33:40,800 Speaker 1: about all of this is we were only nine months, 626 00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:44,680 Speaker 1: so you think I'm empathetic. My sister takes the cake. 627 00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:50,200 Speaker 1: She immediately welcomed me into her family. When I went 628 00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:53,680 Speaker 1: up to meet them in person, she literally comes flying 629 00:33:53,720 --> 00:33:54,320 Speaker 1: out the car. 630 00:33:54,440 --> 00:33:58,560 Speaker 2: It's like sissy, She goes, I always wanted a. 631 00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:01,720 Speaker 1: Sister like they have welcomed me with open arms. It 632 00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:04,800 Speaker 1: could not have gone any better than how it went. 633 00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:07,640 Speaker 1: It was absolutely amazing. That's incredible. But now I know 634 00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:11,400 Speaker 1: why I had the impression to meet them. So nine 635 00:34:11,440 --> 00:34:16,080 Speaker 1: months into our relationship, my brother goes for his baseline 636 00:34:16,160 --> 00:34:20,520 Speaker 1: colonoscopy and they find pollops and so they remove the 637 00:34:20,560 --> 00:34:24,479 Speaker 1: pollops and the polyps go get tested and turns out 638 00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:28,000 Speaker 1: the polyps are pre cancerous, but the type of cancer 639 00:34:28,040 --> 00:34:31,919 Speaker 1: it is is genetically passed. So they say to him, 640 00:34:32,080 --> 00:34:34,600 Speaker 1: if you have any siblings, tell them they need to 641 00:34:34,600 --> 00:34:38,000 Speaker 1: go get tested immediately. So my sister goes and gets tested. 642 00:34:38,080 --> 00:34:41,280 Speaker 1: She has the same pollops, so they remove her pollups 643 00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:43,960 Speaker 1: and she goes, are you going to go get tested? 644 00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:46,640 Speaker 1: And I'm like, we're just half brother and sister. I'm 645 00:34:46,719 --> 00:34:49,520 Speaker 1: way younger than you, guys, I'm good. I was like, no, 646 00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:53,000 Speaker 1: I'm straight. So months ago and months ago and one 647 00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:55,760 Speaker 1: of my very close friends her mom passed from colon cancer, 648 00:34:56,160 --> 00:34:58,200 Speaker 1: and she goes, you can either go on your own 649 00:34:58,320 --> 00:34:59,960 Speaker 1: or I'm gonna make the appointment for you and take you. 650 00:35:00,520 --> 00:35:03,439 Speaker 1: So I was like, all right, I'll go, so go 651 00:35:04,120 --> 00:35:06,640 Speaker 1: and have the colonoscopy and I'll wake up from it. 652 00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:09,239 Speaker 1: And they go, oh, we found some things, but we 653 00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:12,200 Speaker 1: feel confident it's not cancerous. 654 00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:13,160 Speaker 2: We've removed it. 655 00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:14,560 Speaker 1: We'll call you in a couple of days and we'll 656 00:35:14,600 --> 00:35:16,799 Speaker 1: let you know what the LID reports is. Turns out 657 00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:20,279 Speaker 1: they were wrong. Turns out it was stage three hole 658 00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:24,759 Speaker 1: and cancer. They told me. Had I waited to the 659 00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:28,439 Speaker 1: age of fifty to get my baseline, the conversation would 660 00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:30,759 Speaker 1: have been how can we keep you comfortable? Instead of 661 00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:33,400 Speaker 1: how can we save your life? So had I not 662 00:35:33,520 --> 00:35:35,840 Speaker 1: reached out to my brother and sister when I felt 663 00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:40,840 Speaker 1: compelled to, I would not be sitting here today. Finally, 664 00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:44,479 Speaker 1: through another hurdle, Tasmin was only just able to catch 665 00:35:44,480 --> 00:35:47,920 Speaker 1: her breath before she fell into another situation that rocked 666 00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:53,600 Speaker 1: her world and her livelihood. I never knew in a 667 00:35:53,719 --> 00:35:56,799 Speaker 1: million years. I never thought that I would ever be 668 00:35:56,880 --> 00:36:02,080 Speaker 1: starting over from scratch again. So after I fought cancer, 669 00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:06,560 Speaker 1: and one cancer leaves its mark on you. You don't 670 00:36:06,719 --> 00:36:11,800 Speaker 1: get out of that fight without being scathed. And the chemo. 671 00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:15,720 Speaker 1: So I've had several major surgeries, eight months of chemo 672 00:36:16,239 --> 00:36:19,879 Speaker 1: and out of work for four years. That's how long 673 00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:23,560 Speaker 1: the battle for cancer was. It wasn't it wasn't pretty. 674 00:36:23,800 --> 00:36:28,560 Speaker 1: It was very difficult and my cognition. It had really 675 00:36:28,640 --> 00:36:31,680 Speaker 1: impacted my memory. My memory was so bad I would 676 00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:34,320 Speaker 1: have to write down where I was driving to because 677 00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:37,160 Speaker 1: I would forget where I was driving and just drive 678 00:36:37,200 --> 00:36:40,560 Speaker 1: around aimlessly until I could figure out what I was 679 00:36:40,600 --> 00:36:45,359 Speaker 1: doing my executive functioning skills. Executive functioning skills in your 680 00:36:45,360 --> 00:36:47,960 Speaker 1: brain are what allow you to function at a very 681 00:36:48,040 --> 00:36:50,200 Speaker 1: high level, which is what I do in my corporate 682 00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:53,840 Speaker 1: America job. Like I not only keep me in check, 683 00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:55,600 Speaker 1: but I keep my team in check, I keep my 684 00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:58,120 Speaker 1: boss in check, and I make sure everyone is good. 685 00:36:58,480 --> 00:37:01,360 Speaker 1: So unless I'm able to to have my eyes on 686 00:37:01,480 --> 00:37:04,120 Speaker 1: ten things at once until you at any given moment 687 00:37:04,160 --> 00:37:06,399 Speaker 1: exactly what their status is, I'm not doing my job. 688 00:37:06,680 --> 00:37:09,520 Speaker 1: And that is what chemo took for me. I could 689 00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:14,319 Speaker 1: barely hold a conversation with someone in my brain if 690 00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:16,560 Speaker 1: I could describe it to you. It would be like 691 00:37:16,600 --> 00:37:18,800 Speaker 1: a funnel, like I would have all of these thoughts 692 00:37:18,880 --> 00:37:21,160 Speaker 1: right here, but that funnel got about this big when 693 00:37:21,160 --> 00:37:23,319 Speaker 1: it came time to talk, for me to be able 694 00:37:23,360 --> 00:37:26,040 Speaker 1: to express myself and what it was I needed, and 695 00:37:26,080 --> 00:37:29,239 Speaker 1: I literally would completely clam up and would not be 696 00:37:29,320 --> 00:37:32,560 Speaker 1: able to tell a waitress my order. I remember going 697 00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:35,799 Speaker 1: to the eye doctor and just needing contacts, and I 698 00:37:35,880 --> 00:37:38,840 Speaker 1: broke down in tears because I could not convey to 699 00:37:38,960 --> 00:37:41,600 Speaker 1: the nurse that I was there to pick up contexts. 700 00:37:42,000 --> 00:37:45,120 Speaker 1: You get so frustrated with yourself and with your body 701 00:37:45,560 --> 00:37:49,240 Speaker 1: because of what the cancer does to you. So because 702 00:37:49,280 --> 00:37:53,040 Speaker 1: of that decline, while I'm fighting cancer, my son is 703 00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:58,399 Speaker 1: now in crisis. And I meet a gentleman who takes 704 00:37:58,520 --> 00:38:02,799 Speaker 1: advantage of that cost native decline that I'm experiencing, and 705 00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:08,920 Speaker 1: he fabricates a story that leads me to believe that 706 00:38:09,239 --> 00:38:13,600 Speaker 1: I am no longer safe in my home. He convinces 707 00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:16,799 Speaker 1: me to sell my home of eighteen years. And this 708 00:38:16,840 --> 00:38:20,600 Speaker 1: is huge because I've never had stability, so I'm able 709 00:38:20,719 --> 00:38:24,880 Speaker 1: to so after I rebuild from my marriage, I'm finally stable. 710 00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:27,040 Speaker 1: I'm finally in my home, and it truly was a 711 00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:30,440 Speaker 1: home he leads me to believe that I'm not safe there, 712 00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:33,560 Speaker 1: and neither is my son. So I sell my home 713 00:38:33,760 --> 00:38:37,640 Speaker 1: and truly a fire sale, leave got rid of everything 714 00:38:37,680 --> 00:38:43,560 Speaker 1: in it. And he proposes. And I am so exhausted 715 00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:46,680 Speaker 1: now from the fight from cancer, from my son being 716 00:38:46,680 --> 00:38:49,719 Speaker 1: in crisis. I am mentally and physically exhausted, and I 717 00:38:49,760 --> 00:38:53,400 Speaker 1: don't feel like I can take another step. So dumb me, 718 00:38:54,040 --> 00:38:56,360 Speaker 1: I say to him, why don't you take care of 719 00:38:56,400 --> 00:38:58,440 Speaker 1: the bills? Now that you know we're going to be 720 00:38:58,440 --> 00:39:00,560 Speaker 1: in one household, why don't you take care of the bills. 721 00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:03,080 Speaker 1: He goes, great idea, why don't you go get a 722 00:39:03,120 --> 00:39:06,479 Speaker 1: certified check from the proceeds of your sale, and let's 723 00:39:06,520 --> 00:39:08,480 Speaker 1: go ahead and e merge bank accounts and I'll take 724 00:39:08,480 --> 00:39:12,399 Speaker 1: care of everything. Guess who did that? I did, not 725 00:39:12,480 --> 00:39:15,640 Speaker 1: knowing any better. No one had ever told me once again, 726 00:39:16,080 --> 00:39:18,319 Speaker 1: one of these gaps that you have because you don't 727 00:39:18,320 --> 00:39:22,880 Speaker 1: have a solid foundation and footing. No one never told 728 00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:28,000 Speaker 1: me you don't do that. You don't give everything to 729 00:39:28,040 --> 00:39:32,799 Speaker 1: someone who is not legally bound and responsible for you. 730 00:39:33,719 --> 00:39:36,280 Speaker 1: Three or four weeks later, he breaks off the engagement, 731 00:39:36,640 --> 00:39:41,239 Speaker 1: keeps the money, takes the ring back and goes. So 732 00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:43,959 Speaker 1: now I'm fifty years old, well, we'll be fifty this year, 733 00:39:44,280 --> 00:39:48,000 Speaker 1: have no home. I have none of the most treasured 734 00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:50,359 Speaker 1: memories that you keep from your babies, you know, the 735 00:39:50,400 --> 00:39:54,680 Speaker 1: little hand ornaments that they make, all the little clay 736 00:39:54,719 --> 00:39:57,919 Speaker 1: things like the things you can't replace. All of those 737 00:39:57,920 --> 00:39:59,959 Speaker 1: things are gone, and those are the things that are true. 738 00:40:00,080 --> 00:40:04,120 Speaker 1: We missed the most. How did you start over? Once again, 739 00:40:04,360 --> 00:40:06,480 Speaker 1: found myself in. 740 00:40:06,440 --> 00:40:08,560 Speaker 2: The spare bedroom of a girlfriend. 741 00:40:08,400 --> 00:40:10,680 Speaker 1: This time with my two dogs because my son has 742 00:40:10,719 --> 00:40:14,040 Speaker 1: grown now, so I've got two fur babies. And I 743 00:40:14,239 --> 00:40:18,480 Speaker 1: was in her spare bedroom on the floor, on the floor, 744 00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:22,120 Speaker 1: not even in a bed, on the floor with the dogs, 745 00:40:22,200 --> 00:40:25,560 Speaker 1: and I had this i'll caohol it come to Jesus moment, 746 00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:29,200 Speaker 1: just a very clear moment, and I realized that how 747 00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:32,560 Speaker 1: I felt in that moment was exactly how I felt 748 00:40:33,080 --> 00:40:36,200 Speaker 1: as a child in foster care, being incredibly afraid of 749 00:40:36,239 --> 00:40:38,719 Speaker 1: the future, not knowing what I was going to do, 750 00:40:38,960 --> 00:40:41,640 Speaker 1: not knowing what my next step was. And it was 751 00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:43,799 Speaker 1: at that moment I said, you know what, if I 752 00:40:43,840 --> 00:40:46,000 Speaker 1: got to rebuild my life. Not only am I going 753 00:40:46,040 --> 00:40:48,399 Speaker 1: to rebuild my life, but I'm going to go back 754 00:40:48,440 --> 00:40:50,600 Speaker 1: to these kids that are aging out of foster care, 755 00:40:51,040 --> 00:40:54,360 Speaker 1: and I am going to help them shore up their foundation. 756 00:40:56,520 --> 00:41:00,520 Speaker 2: Motivated by her own experience, she started her organization Forward 757 00:41:00,640 --> 00:41:03,680 Speaker 2: Hope as a way to help vulnerable children aging out 758 00:41:03,719 --> 00:41:08,920 Speaker 2: of foster care by providing essential things like homes, transportation, education, 759 00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:11,240 Speaker 2: and mentorship that they desperately need. 760 00:41:12,640 --> 00:41:16,120 Speaker 1: But most importantly, I can give them meaningful resources. They 761 00:41:16,120 --> 00:41:18,680 Speaker 1: don't have to couch surf, they don't have to wonder 762 00:41:18,840 --> 00:41:21,120 Speaker 1: where they're going to sleep at at night. They won't 763 00:41:21,160 --> 00:41:24,280 Speaker 1: have to carry around their items in a laundry basket 764 00:41:24,360 --> 00:41:28,000 Speaker 1: everything that they own. They're going to have a family, 765 00:41:28,800 --> 00:41:31,040 Speaker 1: They're going to have a home that will always be 766 00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:33,399 Speaker 1: there that they can always come back to, and they're 767 00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:38,879 Speaker 1: going to have hope for a future. What is one 768 00:41:38,920 --> 00:41:41,439 Speaker 1: moment where at the time you thought this is such 769 00:41:41,440 --> 00:41:42,960 Speaker 1: a low point, I just don't know that I can 770 00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:45,680 Speaker 1: get myself out of this, and now you actually see 771 00:41:45,680 --> 00:41:48,680 Speaker 1: it as something that catapulted you to the success you 772 00:41:48,719 --> 00:41:51,600 Speaker 1: are today. Oh, easily, I know exactly what that is. 773 00:41:52,120 --> 00:41:52,520 Speaker 2: Cancer. 774 00:41:53,480 --> 00:41:57,160 Speaker 1: I hated God for giving me that, and there was 775 00:41:57,160 --> 00:41:58,960 Speaker 1: no other way I looked at it. I was like, 776 00:41:59,200 --> 00:42:02,319 Speaker 1: out of every thing I've gone through out of the 777 00:42:02,360 --> 00:42:06,759 Speaker 1: foster care, out of the divorce, out of you name it, 778 00:42:06,840 --> 00:42:09,560 Speaker 1: out out of all of the mountains I've had to climb. 779 00:42:09,640 --> 00:42:11,160 Speaker 1: You're gonna give me cancer? Now? 780 00:42:11,200 --> 00:42:12,759 Speaker 2: Are you kidding me? 781 00:42:14,760 --> 00:42:18,960 Speaker 1: Really? And can't once again cancer For anyone who's already 782 00:42:19,000 --> 00:42:21,120 Speaker 1: faced it is no easy fight and have to face 783 00:42:21,160 --> 00:42:23,759 Speaker 1: your own mortality. People would come to me and they 784 00:42:23,800 --> 00:42:25,880 Speaker 1: would be like, oh, remember God is with you in this, 785 00:42:26,000 --> 00:42:27,920 Speaker 1: And I'm like, if God is sitting over there in 786 00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:29,480 Speaker 1: that chair watching me go through this and him and 787 00:42:29,520 --> 00:42:31,919 Speaker 1: I got a problem like I didn't have. I didn't 788 00:42:31,920 --> 00:42:34,560 Speaker 1: want to have anything to do with spirituality. I was 789 00:42:34,640 --> 00:42:38,080 Speaker 1: so upset with him for another mountain to climb, and 790 00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:42,680 Speaker 1: I was already tired. It was me getting to that 791 00:42:42,840 --> 00:42:46,880 Speaker 1: place where I was that raw and that honest with 792 00:42:47,040 --> 00:42:50,880 Speaker 1: him that it changed something in me. It brought me 793 00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:54,239 Speaker 1: to the end of myself. I realized, oh, I can't 794 00:42:54,280 --> 00:42:57,919 Speaker 1: do everything by myself. Oh it hasn't been me doing 795 00:42:57,960 --> 00:43:00,719 Speaker 1: it all along. In my mind, I was doing this, 796 00:43:00,719 --> 00:43:03,719 Speaker 1: this and this. No, it's not actually you doing all 797 00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:07,680 Speaker 1: of this. It's God in you, helping you achieve each 798 00:43:07,719 --> 00:43:11,319 Speaker 1: of these milestones. And like you overcame all of those 799 00:43:11,320 --> 00:43:14,359 Speaker 1: other things in the past. You're going to overcome this too. 800 00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:17,399 Speaker 1: And not only are you going to overcome it, you're 801 00:43:17,440 --> 00:43:19,920 Speaker 1: going to be more than an overcomer. You're going to 802 00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:23,560 Speaker 1: be more than a conqueror. That was the one thing 803 00:43:24,040 --> 00:43:27,360 Speaker 1: that changed the rest of my life. I'll never forget. 804 00:43:27,760 --> 00:43:30,200 Speaker 1: This is how raw I got with God. This is 805 00:43:30,239 --> 00:43:32,200 Speaker 1: exactly what I said. I was talking to him. I 806 00:43:32,239 --> 00:43:33,759 Speaker 1: talked to him the way you and I are talking 807 00:43:33,840 --> 00:43:35,920 Speaker 1: right now. And I said, you know what I said, 808 00:43:36,239 --> 00:43:38,560 Speaker 1: I don't want a new chapter. I said, I want 809 00:43:38,560 --> 00:43:41,480 Speaker 1: a whole new volume. I said, this raggedy ass volume 810 00:43:41,520 --> 00:43:44,319 Speaker 1: one that I just finished up right here. I was like, 811 00:43:44,360 --> 00:43:46,560 Speaker 1: I don't want that. I said, I want a brand new, 812 00:43:46,800 --> 00:43:51,719 Speaker 1: leather bound, gold foiled volume two. That's what I want 813 00:43:52,000 --> 00:43:55,479 Speaker 1: my life to look like going into this next half, 814 00:43:55,920 --> 00:43:57,080 Speaker 1: and that's what it's going to be. 815 00:43:58,000 --> 00:44:00,719 Speaker 2: Thank you, thank you so much for this. I'm so 816 00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:02,120 Speaker 2: appreciative of being here today. 817 00:44:02,239 --> 00:44:03,200 Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you. 818 00:44:15,840 --> 00:44:19,600 Speaker 2: Since her interview, Tasman has been busy. She just closed 819 00:44:19,600 --> 00:44:22,279 Speaker 2: on a house specifically to take in children that have 820 00:44:22,360 --> 00:44:25,279 Speaker 2: aged out of the foster care system through her organization 821 00:44:25,440 --> 00:44:29,319 Speaker 2: Forward Hope. Tasmin is a true inspiration and I'm so 822 00:44:29,440 --> 00:44:32,200 Speaker 2: grateful to have had the opportunity to share her story 823 00:44:32,239 --> 00:44:35,560 Speaker 2: with the world. Be sure to follow Tasman on Instagram 824 00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:39,440 Speaker 2: at Tazzy Underscore Carter and learn more about her organization 825 00:44:39,680 --> 00:44:47,120 Speaker 2: at forward hopec dot org. Thanks for listening. Thanks for 826 00:44:47,239 --> 00:44:50,399 Speaker 2: listening to this episode of she Pivots. If you made 827 00:44:50,400 --> 00:44:53,080 Speaker 2: it this far, you're a true pivoter, so thanks for 828 00:44:53,120 --> 00:44:56,560 Speaker 2: being part of this community. I hope you enjoyed this episode, 829 00:44:56,560 --> 00:44:58,840 Speaker 2: and if you did leave us a rating, please be 830 00:44:58,920 --> 00:45:01,640 Speaker 2: nice and tell your friends about us. To learn more 831 00:45:01,640 --> 00:45:04,760 Speaker 2: about our guests, follow us on Instagram at she Pivots 832 00:45:04,800 --> 00:45:07,360 Speaker 2: the Podcast, or sign up for our newsletter where you 833 00:45:07,400 --> 00:45:10,160 Speaker 2: can get exclusive behind the scenes content, or on our 834 00:45:10,160 --> 00:45:13,240 Speaker 2: website she Pivots the Podcast Talk to You Next Week 835 00:45:16,640 --> 00:45:20,400 Speaker 2: special thanks to the she Pivots team, Executive producer Emily 836 00:45:20,560 --> 00:45:24,800 Speaker 2: eda Velosik, Associate producer and social media connoisseur Hannah Cousins, 837 00:45:25,239 --> 00:45:30,200 Speaker 2: Research director Christine Dickinson, Events and logistics coordinator Madeline Sonovak, 838 00:45:30,480 --> 00:45:32,880 Speaker 2: and audio editor and mixer Nina Pollock. 839 00:45:33,800 --> 00:45:36,000 Speaker 1: I endorse she Pivots