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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast.

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Speaker 2: My name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I am the host, and if you don't know what

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Speaker 1: couch Talks is, it is the special bonus episode of

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Speaker 1: If You Need Therapy where I answer questions that listeners

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Speaker 1: like you send to me and you can send those

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Speaker 1: to Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. Quick

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Speaker 1: reminder before we get into today's question that although we

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Speaker 1: always hope that this podcast is helpful, it does not

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Speaker 1: serve as a replacement or substitute for any actual mental

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Speaker 1: health services. Usually we do one question a week here.

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Speaker 1: I always keep them anonymous. We're gonna go with that

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Speaker 1: normal flow of things. We're doing one question. I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: keep it anonymous. And I picked the question today because

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Speaker 1: it relates to a recent episode we did about social

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Speaker 1: media and just disordered eating practices and things to look

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Speaker 1: out for and how pervasive they can be in our

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Speaker 1: normal world. I did that episode with a dietitian that

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Speaker 1: lives here her Iamus Caroline, And when I say here,

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Speaker 1: I mean in Nashville, and I just thought it would

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Speaker 1: be helpful to do this one since that kind of

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Speaker 1: stuff is on our brain, and I just really liked

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Speaker 1: the question. I mean, I like all y'all's questions, but

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Speaker 1: especially this one. And last week was need a week.

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Speaker 1: I think we should just, you know, continue to spread

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Speaker 1: that awareness. So I'm going to read the question, then

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Speaker 1: we're going to talk about it here. It is, Hey, kat,

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Speaker 1: I have a question for couch Talks, but I don't

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Speaker 1: know exactly how to ask it. I struggled with a

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Speaker 1: neating disorder for a very long time, but I don't

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Speaker 1: think most people know this about me. In the last

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Speaker 1: couple of years, I have been in what I would

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Speaker 1: call recovery because I have not been very vocal or

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Speaker 1: public about my experience. People also, I don't think know

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Speaker 1: about my recovery. So what happens a lot is people

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Speaker 1: will still talk to me about things that I used

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Speaker 1: to talk about a lot and even obsess over. When

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Speaker 1: I was in my eating disorder, I experienced a lot

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Speaker 1: of what I would consider orthorexia, and I was very

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Speaker 1: into things like gut health. I guess I just don't

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Speaker 1: really know what to do when people bring these topics

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Speaker 1: up to me. Now. I don't think it's ill intentioned,

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Speaker 1: but it makes me really sad. And it also can

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Speaker 1: be pretty triggering. Do you have any advice on how

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Speaker 1: to handle these kinds of situations? Okay, so I'm going

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Speaker 1: to go out and assume some things and they might

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Speaker 1: not be exactly true, but I think that might like

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Speaker 1: widen the context of this question where more people than

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Speaker 1: are already relating to it can relate to it because

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Speaker 1: I imagine that when this person's talking about their eating disorder

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Speaker 1: was orthorexia or she had some of that. That is

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Speaker 1: when we get very obsessed with health and health related things,

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Speaker 1: the quality of our food, the quality of ingredients. I mean,

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Speaker 1: eating disorders can look all different kinds of ways. So

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Speaker 1: not being going to finish that sentence, So I imagine

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Speaker 1: that in your disorder, you were the person who knew

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Speaker 1: a lot about the quality of food, about.

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Speaker 2: Different supplements to take.

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Speaker 1: When we're talking about gut health like bloating, you probably

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Speaker 1: talked about things like inflammation, and I mean, it can

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Speaker 1: be tons of stuff, but that I assume when people

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Speaker 1: are coming to you about stuff that you talked about

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Speaker 1: when you were in that disorder, they also are coming

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Speaker 1: to you about some of that stuff too, Like oh,

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Speaker 1: like I've been struggling with inflammation. Can you help me

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Speaker 1: figure out DA DA DA? Or do you have any

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Speaker 1: recommendations for podcasts or people to follow that could help

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Speaker 1: with I bloating or I mean it could even be

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Speaker 1: like food sensitivities and stuff like that. And so people

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Speaker 1: are coming to you to talk about things that you

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Speaker 1: probably went to them and talked about all the time

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Speaker 1: that aren't necessarily bad, aren't necessarily toxic, aren't necessarily disordered

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Speaker 1: in their own right, but they are part of your

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Speaker 1: disorder when they went to a certain length. And I

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Speaker 1: say that because everybody who's like, oh, I'm struggling with

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Speaker 1: inflammation doesn't have an eating disorder, but that was part

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Speaker 1: of yours. And it doesn't mean that they don't have one,

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Speaker 1: but it doesn't necessarily mean that they do have one.

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Speaker 1: And it's not bad to just bring that up. And

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Speaker 1: what you're saying is I'm sad. I imagine maybe because

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Speaker 1: you wonder if they are struggling in the way that

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Speaker 1: you struggled. Maybe you wonder if you influenced people in

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Speaker 1: your disorder, and you don't want them to have to

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Speaker 1: go through what you went through. And also it brings

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Speaker 1: up some feelings that you still have around your own

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Speaker 1: eating disorder and your behavior, because while we can be

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Speaker 1: in recovery, we can still miss some of that stuff.

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Speaker 1: We can still miss some of the things that are

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Speaker 1: eating disorder gave us or we thought it would give us,

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Speaker 1: or I mean, sometimes when we find recovery, we have

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Speaker 1: to let go of things that aren't necessarily bad, but

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Speaker 1: are not good for us and that we aren't able

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Speaker 1: to handle approperly. Just like alcohol in its own right,

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Speaker 1: is it negative or bad, But an alcoholic has to

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Speaker 1: give that up because they don't handle it the same

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Speaker 1: way other people do or use it the same way

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Speaker 1: other people do.

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Speaker 2: So there's a lot in that.

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Speaker 1: And I kind of like that you're sharing this idea

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Speaker 1: that not everybody knows about my story, because I mean,

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Speaker 1: maybe your story looked just like you were quote unquote healthy.

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Speaker 1: You can't see my recovery and I don't talk about

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Speaker 1: it a lot, And so I want you to know

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Speaker 1: that not everybody needs to know your story. And that

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you are being secretive or hiding something,

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Speaker 1: but you're allowed to have privacy. And also, you know,

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Speaker 1: social media has confused us, but not everybody needs or

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Speaker 1: essentially has the right to the insides of our life,

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Speaker 1: our story, what's going on with us, and you can

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Speaker 1: share that totally. There's nothing wrong with sharing that. But

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Speaker 1: also you don't have to share it with everybody. And

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Speaker 1: so I don't want this to be like, well, I

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Speaker 1: have to tell everybody about my story else you know,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to continue to experience these feelings and maybe

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Speaker 1: I'm doing something wrong by holding it back.

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Speaker 2: That's not necessarily true.

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Speaker 1: And I also think that when people are coming to you,

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Speaker 1: it depends on the context. I want to encourage you

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Speaker 1: to respond in a way that reflects who you are today,

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Speaker 1: regardless of the shock that it might bring somebody. Right,

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Speaker 1: So what I mean by that is, if somebody's coming

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Speaker 1: to you being like, oh my gosh, I found this

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Speaker 1: recipe for this gluten free, gut enhancing, microbiome enzyme digestive bread.

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Speaker 1: That was exaggeration. But if somebody's going to do that

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Speaker 1: thing that you're gonna be really excited about it. I

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Speaker 1: encourage you to respond in a way that mimics and

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Speaker 1: reflects who you are today and not in your disorder.

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Speaker 1: Because we don't have to manage and take care of

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Speaker 1: other people's emotions or what shock that might bring them.

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Speaker 1: For example, you could say, oh, that's awesome that you're

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Speaker 1: excited about that. I actually don't eat that way anymore,

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Speaker 1: or I don't need that type of bread, but I'm

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Speaker 1: excited that you really like it. Where you're not like

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Speaker 1: faking it because you don't want that something to be awkward,

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Speaker 1: We're like, oh, awesome, send me the recipe or to

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Speaker 1: find it. And that might create a conversation where oh, really, like,

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Speaker 1: am I missing something?

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Speaker 2: What change?

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Speaker 1: And it might bring up an opportunity for you to

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Speaker 1: share some of your story and you can share it,

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Speaker 1: or you don't have to. You can just say, oh,

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Speaker 1: you know, I grew out of that, or I found

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Speaker 1: that that stuff wasn't as necessary as I thought it

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Speaker 1: was at one point, or you can say, you know, actually,

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Speaker 1: when I was really into that stuff, I was struggling

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Speaker 1: with an eating disorder and I.

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Speaker 2: Didn't know it.

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Speaker 1: And part of my recovery has been allowing myself to

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Speaker 1: bring foods back into my life that aren't actually harmful.

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Speaker 2: So there's a lot of ways to approach that.

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to give you all the ways because

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Speaker 1: we would be sitting here forever.

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Speaker 2: But what I really want you to hear, and that.

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Speaker 1: Is respond in a way that reflects who you are today.

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Speaker 1: If that brings up feelings for another person, that's okay.

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Speaker 1: Feelings are here for a reason. Humans were created with

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Speaker 1: feelings to have feelings, to help us, not to hurt us.

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Speaker 1: They do not kill us. Avoiding them, however, is more

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Speaker 1: dangerous than experiencing them, So that is the first thing

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Speaker 1: I would say. You also are allowed to encourage them

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Speaker 1: to ask somebody else about the questions they're coming to

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Speaker 1: you for. So if somebody's like, oh, you know, remember

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Speaker 1: you had your I'm going to use the gut stuff.

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Speaker 1: Since you mentioned that you had your leaky gut syndrome,

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Speaker 1: I have some questions for you about that because I

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Speaker 1: think I might be experiencing the same thing.

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Speaker 2: You can say.

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Speaker 1: You know what really helped me the most with what

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Speaker 1: what I was going through is finding a professional that

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Speaker 1: really knew what I was talking about.

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Speaker 2: I saw a dietician.

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Speaker 1: You might need somebody else, but I really would encourage

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Speaker 1: you to reach out to somebody like that because I

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Speaker 1: realized that I actually know don't know that much as

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Speaker 1: much as I thought I knew, and everybody's different, So

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Speaker 1: you can encourage them to ask somebody else, refer them

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Speaker 1: to somebody else. You can say, you know, I don't

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Speaker 1: really know if I'm the right person to ask. Have

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Speaker 1: you looked into seeing a dietician? And then they could say, oh, okay,

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Speaker 1: that's no I haven't. I just thought that you you know,

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Speaker 1: we're interested in this stuff. Oh I was, but I

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Speaker 1: kind of grew out of that. And you know, I'm

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Speaker 1: not a health professional, so I don't know if I

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Speaker 1: really feel comfortable answering those questions for you, because I

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Speaker 1: only know what works for me.

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Speaker 2: So again, answer in a way that.

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Speaker 1: Reflects who you are today, and you're allowed to refer

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Speaker 1: them elsewhere. You don't have to give somebody a lecture

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Speaker 1: about why what they're looking for is dangerous. I think

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Speaker 1: I personally struggle with that a lot when I was

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Speaker 1: entering into recovery, where I had to like go to

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Speaker 1: the opposite side and be like, oh, you shouldn't care

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Speaker 1: about that, which maybe some of that could be true,

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Speaker 1: but also that's not my job to take care of

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Speaker 1: other people and heal other people that aren't. It's not

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Speaker 1: my job to heal anybody, especially if you're not coming

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Speaker 1: to me for professional help. But we don't have to

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Speaker 1: give a lecture and tell them that what they're looking

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Speaker 1: for is wrong or bad because we don't actually know

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Speaker 1: their story and it might not be the healthiest experience

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Speaker 1: for us to do that. And you're also allowed to

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Speaker 1: respond to different people in different ways. It's right, it's

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Speaker 1: not a one size fits all. You might respond to

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Speaker 1: somebody you're really close with with a more intentional and

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Speaker 1: maybe a more vulnerable response. Somebody who's just like you

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Speaker 1: know in high school who's hitting you up. You might

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Speaker 1: be like, oh, you know, I don't really know about

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Speaker 1: that stuff anymore. I hate that you're struggling with that,

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Speaker 1: but good luck. You might give them less information. So

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Speaker 1: not every experience you have around this has to look

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Speaker 1: the same. That doesn't mean that you are not treating

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Speaker 1: people well. That means that you are responding to different

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Speaker 1: levels of relationship in appropriate ways.

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Speaker 2: Not every story is your story.

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Speaker 1: Is something else that comes up from me here, and

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Speaker 1: that goes into that luxury part. Right for you, this

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Speaker 1: really was part of your eating disorder. That might not

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Speaker 1: be the same for everybody else, And so I want

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Speaker 1: you to hear that in the part that might feel

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Speaker 1: responsible for you know, like maybe I courage some people

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Speaker 1: to engage in behaviors that aren't good for them, just

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Speaker 1: like people did that for you. Right, nobody gets to

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Speaker 1: that point on their own. Or maybe you're you're afraid

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Speaker 1: that you have to, like you know, be on this

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Speaker 1: crusade now to help people because maybe you did give

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Speaker 1: some misinformation or something like that. Not everybody's story is

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Speaker 1: your story, And there are people who just like I

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Speaker 1: was talking about with that alcoholics, there are people who

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Speaker 1: can have a glass of wine in it not be

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Speaker 1: a negative, bad, scary thing, just like there are people

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Speaker 1: who might, you know, be curious about being gluten free

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Speaker 1: and it might not end up turning into orthorexia. It

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Speaker 1: might not be part of the orthorexia. So while those

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Speaker 1: feelings you're having are so valid and real and they

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Speaker 1: make a lot of sense, I would listen to how

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Speaker 1: you can care for those feelings on your own versus

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Speaker 1: how can I take care of the feelings I'm afraid

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Speaker 1: other people are having. And the last thing I would

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Speaker 1: say in that is connected to that part too, is

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Speaker 1: have some compassion for yourself. You didn't get to where

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Speaker 1: your eating disorder was on your own. Tons of things

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Speaker 1: influenced that. It's not one thing. It can be multiple things.

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Speaker 1: And so I want you to have compassion for yourself

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Speaker 1: for the things that you maybe did to your body,

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Speaker 1: maybe the things that you said, maybe the things that

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Speaker 1: you harped on, maybe the things you posted on social media,

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Speaker 1: maybe the things that affected people in your family. You know,

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Speaker 1: those probably weren't coming from a ill intentioned place. You

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Speaker 1: were trying to do what you thought was the best

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Speaker 1: for you and the people around you with what you

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Speaker 1: knew at that time. And now you know more, and

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Speaker 1: so you're shifting that. It's very natural that makes sense

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Speaker 1: to have some guilt or shame or even some resentment

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Speaker 1: around this stuff, especially when people are coming to you now,

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Speaker 1: assuming that you're in that same place, and when you're

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Speaker 1: feeling that resentment, it might be you're seeing and other

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Speaker 1: people parts of yourself that you don't really like and

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Speaker 1: that you wish weren't there. Maybe we're never there. And

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Speaker 1: so allow yourself to be kind to yourself, to feel

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Speaker 1: the feelings that are coming up, and to manage your

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Speaker 1: feelings versus other people's. This stuff is really hard, and

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Speaker 1: I don't know if you have a therapist. I don't

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Speaker 1: know if your therapist works with eating disorders. I would

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Speaker 1: assume so because of what you're going through. But if

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Speaker 1: not something that you can actually work on in therapy

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Speaker 1: that could be really helpful. Are just the feelings that

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Speaker 1: this brings up, not exactly what to do about it,

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Speaker 1: but processing just the feelings that are coming up and

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Speaker 1: what those might be, you know, steering you towards or

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Speaker 1: guiding you towards that you need that you don't have

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Speaker 1: right now. It might not be anything that you actually

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Speaker 1: have to tangibly do or say to somebody else. That

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Speaker 1: might be something that you want to offer yourself. So

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Speaker 1: thank you for this question. I like it because it's

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Speaker 1: a little different. Usually I get questions about like how

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Speaker 1: to you know, set boundaries with people who continue to

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Speaker 1: say things or do things, or encourage you or talk

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Speaker 1: about things that are just triggering in nature around our

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Speaker 1: eating disorder versus I'm having this experience where this used

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Speaker 1: to be something that I invited into my life and

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Speaker 1: I was at the forefront of I was at the

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Speaker 1: forefront of these conversations, and now what do I do

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Speaker 1: that I don't want them anymore? But these people don't

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Speaker 1: know that I have done this work, and I don't

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Speaker 1: necessarily want to go through my whole life story.

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Speaker 2: With everybody about that, So I like this question.

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Speaker 1: I think there's more conversation to be had, and I

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Speaker 1: hope what I shared today helped a little bit. If

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Speaker 1: you guys have any feedback, questions, comments, anything about this episode,

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Speaker 1: about any other episodes, you can email me Catherine at

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Speaker 1: You Need Therapy podcast at dot com. I know I

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Speaker 1: tease you, guys. I think it was last week about

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Speaker 1: the fight that I got. I don't really call it

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Speaker 1: a fight, the argument, the confrontation I had while on

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Speaker 1: my honeymoon. I was going to share that this week,

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Speaker 1: but I think I'm going to save it for next

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Speaker 1: week because I wanted to answer this question. I guess

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Speaker 1: I wasn't very cryptic and when I asked you guys,

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Speaker 1: what do you think it was about? Because a lot

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Speaker 1: of you, you guys, guessed it right. If not very similar,

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Speaker 1: but I did learn something about myself through that experience,

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Speaker 1: and I want to share that might be a little

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Speaker 1: bit similar to the Bagel story, different lesson, same kind

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Speaker 1: of experience, So that'll be coming soon.

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Speaker 2: I hope you guys are having the.

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Speaker 1: Day you need to have and you can follow us

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Speaker 1: on Instagram you Need Therapy podcast and cat dot Defata.

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Speaker 2: I will be back with you guys on Monday.

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Speaker 1: I