WEBVTT - Let's Be Clear: This Is Only The Beginning 0:00:02.560 --> 0:00:08.520 This is Let's Be Clear with Shannon Doherty. Hi everyone, 0:00:08.600 --> 0:00:11.880 I'm Shannon Doherty and welcome to my very first episode 0:00:11.960 --> 0:00:15.280 of Let's Be Clear with Shannon Doherty. I'm really excited 0:00:16.040 --> 0:00:19.759 and I'm nervous as well. I have obviously never done 0:00:19.760 --> 0:00:21.520 a podcast before, but. 0:00:23.079 --> 0:00:23.439 I don't know. 0:00:23.480 --> 0:00:27.280 It just felt like a very cool and interesting different 0:00:27.360 --> 0:00:35.160 way to connect and also to be me and tell 0:00:35.240 --> 0:00:39.479 my own story. What's really interesting is that I've been 0:00:39.520 --> 0:00:43.240 an actress for forty two years, and in those forty 0:00:43.280 --> 0:00:46.640 two years, a lot of people have told my story 0:00:47.240 --> 0:00:51.240 and I never have to grow up reading articles about 0:00:51.280 --> 0:00:56.720 yourself and to have people writing books about you, claiming 0:00:56.880 --> 0:00:59.000 things that you did, whether they be. 0:00:59.000 --> 0:01:02.120 True or not, is hard. 0:01:02.520 --> 0:01:07.040 It's especially the untrue things obviously are much harder because 0:01:08.000 --> 0:01:11.600 you read them and you wonder where they even came 0:01:11.680 --> 0:01:14.800 up with that, or they took a kernel of a 0:01:14.880 --> 0:01:18.280 truth and exaggerated it and expanded it to sort of 0:01:18.319 --> 0:01:22.880 benefit themselves, and it was incredibly harmful to me, to 0:01:22.959 --> 0:01:27.480 my career, to my family, to my friends. And one 0:01:27.520 --> 0:01:30.760 thing I want to be very clear about is that 0:01:31.880 --> 0:01:36.679 I take full responsibility for my actions always in my life. 0:01:37.400 --> 0:01:41.000 I have never shoved it off to somebody else and said, oh, well, 0:01:41.040 --> 0:01:44.160 this was your fault. I am a person who believes 0:01:44.160 --> 0:01:48.280 in accountability for myself and for others. So it is 0:01:48.800 --> 0:01:53.360 hard again repeating this, it's hard to read things about 0:01:53.400 --> 0:01:58.440 yourself or, for instance, somebody to take your cancer journey 0:01:58.480 --> 0:02:01.840 and turn it into something that's not truthful and that 0:02:01.920 --> 0:02:05.040 doesn't represent you, or to try to break your story 0:02:05.080 --> 0:02:09.720 before you break it to your own family. I shaved 0:02:09.720 --> 0:02:12.359 my head when I was starting my first round of 0:02:12.400 --> 0:02:16.080 chemo back in twenty sixteen, and I shaved my head 0:02:16.120 --> 0:02:19.519 because I know eventually my hair was going to fall out, 0:02:19.560 --> 0:02:24.679 and I really just did not want everybody else to 0:02:25.680 --> 0:02:28.720 make it about them, for paparazzi to see me out 0:02:28.840 --> 0:02:31.480 and all of a sudden have these pictures of me 0:02:31.600 --> 0:02:34.600 walking home with no hair and it not coming from me, 0:02:35.160 --> 0:02:38.920 and me not breaking my own story. Listen, I'm incredibly blessed, 0:02:38.960 --> 0:02:42.680 and I'm so grateful for the career that I've had 0:02:42.720 --> 0:02:47.040 and the opportunities that I've had. But with blessings comes 0:02:47.040 --> 0:02:50.080 to the other side of things, and I think that's 0:02:50.160 --> 0:02:52.639 one of the main reasons why I decided to do 0:02:52.840 --> 0:02:55.480 Let's be clear. Let's be clear what does that mean. 0:02:55.560 --> 0:02:58.160 It means let's be clear about all of it. Let's 0:02:58.200 --> 0:03:03.760 be clear about my truth. Let's be clear about relationships, 0:03:04.200 --> 0:03:08.280 Let's be clear about cancer, Let's be clear about life 0:03:08.360 --> 0:03:11.880 in general. I toyed for a very long time with 0:03:11.960 --> 0:03:15.120 the idea of writing a memoirs. I was offered a 0:03:15.160 --> 0:03:18.359 lot of book deals over the years, and there was 0:03:18.400 --> 0:03:20.840 something about it that felt very disingenuous to me. 0:03:22.520 --> 0:03:23.240 Maybe it was. 0:03:23.240 --> 0:03:29.520 The fact that I couldn't get immediate responses back from 0:03:29.600 --> 0:03:34.040 people reading the book. There was there's almost a disconnect 0:03:34.200 --> 0:03:37.080 from a memoir. I love books, so don't take it 0:03:37.120 --> 0:03:39.760 like that way. I absolutely am a book reader. But 0:03:40.680 --> 0:03:44.200 I like fiction where you know, I drum up what 0:03:44.240 --> 0:03:46.600 the person looks like, and when the book is over 0:03:47.000 --> 0:03:49.120 sort of I can make up there, you know, another 0:03:49.280 --> 0:03:53.000 ending for them if ISO choose. With a memoir, you're 0:03:53.040 --> 0:03:54.600 sort of reading all of it and it is what 0:03:54.640 --> 0:03:58.960 it is, but you can't interact with it. And with 0:03:59.240 --> 0:04:02.720 a podcast you can interact. You know, there's an Instagram, 0:04:02.760 --> 0:04:06.200 you can ask questions, you can give me suggestions of 0:04:06.600 --> 0:04:08.680 what it is that you want to hear me talk about. 0:04:09.200 --> 0:04:12.400 And that was really important to me to just be 0:04:13.040 --> 0:04:19.159 authentic and transparent and very truthful. Whether that's good for 0:04:19.279 --> 0:04:23.160 me or at times might be detrimental. I don't really know. 0:04:23.240 --> 0:04:25.160 We're going to see how it plays out. I just 0:04:25.240 --> 0:04:28.440 know that it's going to be the truth and nothing. 0:04:28.480 --> 0:04:31.160 But I also think it's just going to be fun. 0:04:31.480 --> 0:04:33.240 I'm going to be speaking with a lot of my 0:04:33.279 --> 0:04:37.560 co stars. Some are going to be fantastic fun interviews. 0:04:37.560 --> 0:04:40.120 Some are going to be again a lot of hard 0:04:40.200 --> 0:04:43.640 truths of what we went through back then. I think 0:04:43.680 --> 0:04:48.320 that growing up on TV in the nineties as a woman, 0:04:48.680 --> 0:04:53.160 it was very different than it is currently, and I 0:04:53.279 --> 0:04:55.279 like to say that some of us sort of paved 0:04:55.360 --> 0:04:59.039 the way, and women are taking such huge strides in 0:04:59.080 --> 0:05:02.920 the world currently and certainly in TV. I think being 0:05:02.920 --> 0:05:05.760 on nine o two and zero and being someone who 0:05:06.320 --> 0:05:11.479 didn't necessarily play by the rules. I didn't placate the 0:05:11.520 --> 0:05:15.600 men in my business, and I certainly didn't placate my bosses. 0:05:16.320 --> 0:05:21.560 I fought them, and that goes back to the way 0:05:21.600 --> 0:05:27.159 that I was raised. My dad, by far, the most 0:05:27.200 --> 0:05:33.000 amazing man that's ever walked this earth. I miss and 0:05:33.040 --> 0:05:38.600 love every single second of the day. He was adamant 0:05:38.800 --> 0:05:43.440 about me being a very strong, intelligent woman who stood 0:05:43.520 --> 0:05:45.760 up for myself. And my mom was the same way, 0:05:46.320 --> 0:05:50.279 and they were very big on education and knowing your history, 0:05:50.400 --> 0:05:55.120 knowing your current affairs, being able to have carry on, 0:05:55.279 --> 0:06:00.360 conduct an intelligent conversation and be well informed. And then 0:06:00.400 --> 0:06:04.359 it progressed with Michael Landon. Michael Landon was one of 0:06:04.360 --> 0:06:07.040 the first people who looked at me and said, listen, 0:06:07.440 --> 0:06:09.599 they'll walk all over you in this business being a woman, 0:06:09.839 --> 0:06:13.839 and don't let them. Stand up for yourself. So I did, 0:06:14.040 --> 0:06:20.479 and it caused, you know, a lot of issues back then, 0:06:21.880 --> 0:06:26.960 some issues I caused for myself. I was, you know, young, 0:06:27.080 --> 0:06:29.640 and I wanted to go out and I didn't see 0:06:29.640 --> 0:06:33.200 any problem with going to, you know, a nightclub at 0:06:33.240 --> 0:06:37.440 twenty years old with Brian Torre and Marky Mark that's 0:06:37.440 --> 0:06:40.760 what he was named. Back then. I didn't see where 0:06:40.800 --> 0:06:45.000 it was bad. And sometimes my behavior would get a 0:06:45.000 --> 0:06:47.680 little carried away. I think that's kind of normal for 0:06:47.800 --> 0:06:51.599 somebody in their early early early twenties. But I could 0:06:51.640 --> 0:06:54.200 have done better for sure, which we're going to discuss 0:06:54.520 --> 0:06:57.000 all throughout this podcast. What are the things that I 0:06:57.040 --> 0:07:00.520 could have done better, What are the mistakes that I 0:07:00.560 --> 0:07:03.400 really made? But also what's like the good that we 0:07:03.480 --> 0:07:08.200 can take from all of it, and being a strong 0:07:08.240 --> 0:07:11.240 woman and going up against someone like Aaron Spelling and 0:07:11.360 --> 0:07:15.520 Duke e Vincent, the people who who were you know, 0:07:15.720 --> 0:07:19.920 huge producers back then that that did nine on two 0:07:19.920 --> 0:07:23.160 and Ho that then produced Charm, that produced Dynasty, that 0:07:23.240 --> 0:07:27.520 produced Melrose Place that you know had this you know 0:07:27.880 --> 0:07:32.440 legacy people, huge producers, but too as a young woman 0:07:33.040 --> 0:07:36.440 to go up against them and say things like, hey, 0:07:36.760 --> 0:07:39.640 you know this script isn't very good and it's not 0:07:39.760 --> 0:07:40.480 great quality. 0:07:40.600 --> 0:07:41.480 We can do better. 0:07:42.040 --> 0:07:45.480 And for people to say things to me like you're 0:07:45.520 --> 0:07:49.200 not hired, to think you're hired to hit your mark 0:07:49.240 --> 0:07:53.040 and say your lines and act, that's the kind of 0:07:53.040 --> 0:07:56.840 stuff that really rubbed me personally the wrong way because 0:07:57.640 --> 0:08:00.680 I wasn't raised that way. I was raised to think. 0:08:00.760 --> 0:08:03.920 I was raised to have an opinion and that my 0:08:04.000 --> 0:08:07.760 opinion should be valued. So I just kept on pressing 0:08:08.560 --> 0:08:12.240 up against that machine, up against men who didn't really 0:08:12.280 --> 0:08:16.960 want to hear my opinion, and I didn't stop. And 0:08:17.000 --> 0:08:19.480 I carried that throughout my career, and I carried that 0:08:19.520 --> 0:08:25.320 through Charmed. I think the difference between me then and 0:08:25.400 --> 0:08:30.480 me now or when I got into my forties. Rather, 0:08:31.400 --> 0:08:35.000 is that I learned the simple art of diplomacy. I 0:08:35.160 --> 0:08:39.680 learned that there might be a nicer way to say 0:08:39.760 --> 0:08:45.240 some things, There might be a more diplomatic spin that 0:08:46.400 --> 0:08:49.520 I could take. I also learned to stay at home. 0:08:50.480 --> 0:08:51.160 I learned to. 0:08:51.200 --> 0:08:51.880 Really like. 0:08:53.880 --> 0:08:58.840 Cultivate my space, to be healthy in a space that 0:08:58.920 --> 0:09:03.200 I wanted to actually spend time in, and to surround 0:09:03.240 --> 0:09:06.880 myself with friends that you know, had my back and 0:09:06.880 --> 0:09:10.319 were incredibly supportive and that weren't selling stories to the 0:09:10.400 --> 0:09:13.439 National Inquirer about me, because that happened to me all 0:09:13.480 --> 0:09:19.839 throughout my twenties. And and friends that would look at 0:09:19.840 --> 0:09:23.720 me and say, hey, you know, stop your crap, like 0:09:24.360 --> 0:09:28.400 knock it off. You're you know, you're saying too much, 0:09:28.559 --> 0:09:31.760 or you're saying too little, or you're too abrasive, or 0:09:31.760 --> 0:09:37.800 you're too harsh. And those friendships I value. Those are 0:09:37.800 --> 0:09:41.200 people that I've known for an incredibly long time now. 0:09:42.360 --> 0:09:44.920 Some of them may have come later in life, and 0:09:44.960 --> 0:09:48.160 I think that that just comes with maturity and growth 0:09:48.280 --> 0:09:52.120 and evolving as a human being, where you look at 0:09:52.120 --> 0:09:54.280 people and you go, Okay, you're you're like a good 0:09:54.320 --> 0:09:59.280 influence and you're you're inspirational on your own like in 0:09:59.320 --> 0:10:01.160 your own life, and I can learn so much for 0:10:01.240 --> 0:10:03.520 you from you. So those are kind of the people 0:10:03.520 --> 0:10:07.280 that I have in my life now. So we're definitely 0:10:07.360 --> 0:10:10.000 going to delve into the whole nine o two And oh, 0:10:10.960 --> 0:10:18.320 was there a pay issue? We're men getting paid more 0:10:18.360 --> 0:10:23.640 money than the girls on the show. What did that 0:10:23.720 --> 0:10:26.760 mean back then in the nineties, was that the norm 0:10:27.360 --> 0:10:31.080 kind of was we'll talk about that. We'll talk about 0:10:31.120 --> 0:10:33.559 all the fights that you guys heard back on nine. 0:10:34.880 --> 0:10:38.440 We'll have some of my former co stars on that 0:10:38.960 --> 0:10:44.800 I love and adore. We'll talk about that infamous you know, 0:10:46.040 --> 0:10:52.040 tape in the hair and fights saying they got physical. 0:10:52.200 --> 0:10:52.960 We'll have all that. 0:10:53.120 --> 0:10:57.319 We'll have those conversations and then go from there to 0:10:57.480 --> 0:11:01.160 like amazing experiences like on Malrath. And you know what 0:11:01.200 --> 0:11:04.680 it was like to work with Kevin Smith, who was 0:11:04.960 --> 0:11:09.439 incredibly collaborative and fun and just made the set easy. 0:11:09.520 --> 0:11:10.839 It was like a. 0:11:10.760 --> 0:11:13.520 Bunch of kids hanging out and working and saying lines. 0:11:13.679 --> 0:11:20.480 And it was awesome to playing Margaret Mitchell and to 0:11:20.679 --> 0:11:23.480 Charmed and what Charmed was like. And you know, you've 0:11:23.480 --> 0:11:28.640 all heard all the rumors some people have addressed them 0:11:28.679 --> 0:11:31.000 in books. I'm not going to address it in a book. 0:11:31.040 --> 0:11:33.360 I'm going to address it right here on my podcast. 0:11:33.440 --> 0:11:34.080 And. 0:11:35.600 --> 0:11:37.560 We'll keep going through my career. And I think even 0:11:37.600 --> 0:11:55.640 more important than the career is my cancer journey. Some 0:11:55.679 --> 0:11:59.439 of you may know, I got diagnosed in late two 0:11:59.440 --> 0:12:03.800 thousand and fifty and I went through surgery, I went 0:12:03.840 --> 0:12:08.920 through chemo, I went through radiation all throughout twenty sixteen 0:12:08.920 --> 0:12:13.679 and part of twenty seventeen. And you know what that 0:12:14.880 --> 0:12:19.640 journey was like, because it was it was hard, and 0:12:19.679 --> 0:12:23.240 it was scary, but there was also something. 0:12:24.440 --> 0:12:26.800 So beautiful about it. 0:12:27.160 --> 0:12:34.080 I really learned a lot about myself, and I learned 0:12:34.559 --> 0:12:38.240 a lot about the people in my life. I learned 0:12:38.280 --> 0:12:45.440 about my own well of strength and being able to 0:12:46.280 --> 0:12:48.600 you know, dig deep. And when I thought I couldn't 0:12:48.600 --> 0:12:50.880 get out of bed, when I you know, dropped down 0:12:50.920 --> 0:12:54.560 to ninety two pounds from chemo and was incredibly dehydrated, 0:12:55.840 --> 0:12:57.920 I had to. I had to still get out of bed, 0:12:58.040 --> 0:13:02.840 and you know, my husband at the time sort of 0:13:02.880 --> 0:13:06.439 begging me to, you know, keep going, and my mom 0:13:06.760 --> 0:13:09.720 like literally trying to pick me up out of bed 0:13:09.760 --> 0:13:14.280 and get me to the doctor. What those moments were like, 0:13:14.520 --> 0:13:19.400 what was it like to you know, at that point 0:13:19.440 --> 0:13:23.640 in time, I thought that I wouldn't survive it, and 0:13:25.320 --> 0:13:29.439 I didn't know how I would get through it. And 0:13:31.000 --> 0:13:34.600 you know, getting body parts dropped off, getting a breast removed, 0:13:34.640 --> 0:13:40.200 and how that changes the way that you look at yourself, 0:13:40.200 --> 0:13:48.120 and it definitely did. I looked at myself as as 0:13:48.200 --> 0:13:51.880 not whole anymore. I looked at myself as someone who 0:13:52.320 --> 0:13:57.720 was very damaged. I you know, had still have scars 0:13:58.800 --> 0:14:01.800 from my reconstruction, Sir, of a scar from hip bone 0:14:01.800 --> 0:14:06.760 to hip bone, and there's not a day that goes 0:14:06.800 --> 0:14:10.720 by that I don't look at that scar and feel 0:14:12.080 --> 0:14:15.720 pain about it and feel a little bit of remorse 0:14:15.760 --> 0:14:19.200 about probably the decision that I made for the particular 0:14:19.240 --> 0:14:23.080 reconstruction that I got, which we'll get into with an 0:14:23.120 --> 0:14:25.720 actual doctor who can help us all walk through it 0:14:25.760 --> 0:14:31.000 in another episode. You know, what was what was it 0:14:31.120 --> 0:14:35.280 like to lose my hair? I kind of kind of 0:14:35.360 --> 0:14:40.320 was known from my hair a little bit, and I 0:14:40.400 --> 0:14:43.240 was really proud of my hair, to be honest. I 0:14:43.280 --> 0:14:45.560 know it seems so vain and so silly to see 0:14:45.560 --> 0:14:49.400 something like that, but you know, it helped define me. 0:14:50.200 --> 0:14:54.800 And when I lost it. It was I had to 0:14:54.840 --> 0:14:57.960 find a new definition from myself. It took a lot 0:14:57.960 --> 0:15:03.320 of kindness from other people. To kindness from my friends. 0:15:03.360 --> 0:15:09.400 It took kindness from strangers, people on my Instagram sending 0:15:09.400 --> 0:15:12.800 me messages and connecting with me and you know, sharing 0:15:12.840 --> 0:15:16.720 their photos of their bald head after chemo to. 0:15:18.240 --> 0:15:19.600 Feel like I had. 0:15:19.760 --> 0:15:26.200 A family of like minded people that were going through 0:15:26.240 --> 0:15:29.120 the exact same thing, or their wife was going through 0:15:29.160 --> 0:15:32.680 the same thing, or their sister or their friend or 0:15:32.720 --> 0:15:37.280 their mom or their grandmother. Just to have that connection 0:15:38.280 --> 0:15:40.760 and from men as well, saying like, Hey, I've got 0:15:40.760 --> 0:15:42.880 this kind of cancer, this is how I feel, this 0:15:42.960 --> 0:15:43.760 is you know, my. 0:15:43.800 --> 0:15:45.920 Bald head like it. 0:15:47.000 --> 0:15:51.960 It sort of wrapped me in this cocoon of safety. 0:15:52.640 --> 0:15:55.280 As cheesy as that may sound or sappy as that 0:15:55.360 --> 0:15:56.880 may sound, it really did. 0:15:56.960 --> 0:15:59.120 It made me feel. 0:16:01.040 --> 0:16:08.920 Made me feel less ostracized from the world and like 0:16:08.960 --> 0:16:14.680 I was a part of something, which then started my 0:16:15.000 --> 0:16:23.800 feeling of deep, deep responsibility to share my story, the 0:16:23.840 --> 0:16:28.040 beauty of it and the ugliness of it as well, 0:16:28.720 --> 0:16:33.720 in order to number one, help others going through what 0:16:33.920 --> 0:16:40.520 I was going through, and to number two, possibly speed 0:16:40.600 --> 0:16:47.160 up cancer research, get more money behind it. It's crazy 0:16:47.280 --> 0:16:49.480 to me that cancer has been around as long as 0:16:49.520 --> 0:16:54.840 it has and we don't have a cure. So yeah, 0:16:54.920 --> 0:17:00.680 I feel a responsibility. And people always ask me like, God, 0:17:00.760 --> 0:17:03.080 do you ever say why me? And I'm like, yeah, 0:17:03.360 --> 0:17:07.960 I say it all the time, And I remind myself 0:17:08.040 --> 0:17:13.000 like why not me? Why should it be anybody else 0:17:13.080 --> 0:17:20.320 but me? And why me? Because I have a platform, 0:17:17.760 --> 0:17:24.360 and what better thing to use my platform for than 0:17:24.960 --> 0:17:28.720 to help other people with cancer or to help their 0:17:28.760 --> 0:17:34.640 loved ones understand what it's like for that person going 0:17:34.640 --> 0:17:40.600 through cancer, to to bring more awareness to cancer and 0:17:41.480 --> 0:17:45.840 in hopes of finding a cure. That's why me? 0:17:46.119 --> 0:17:46.560 Why me? 0:17:46.760 --> 0:17:51.199 Because this is probably my calling. Maybe everything else in 0:17:51.240 --> 0:17:58.479 my life, my career and all of that was really 0:17:59.800 --> 0:18:02.520 just to get me to this place, just to get 0:18:02.520 --> 0:18:05.159 me to the place where I can actually make a 0:18:05.240 --> 0:18:10.480 difference for others and for myself being selfish for a second, 0:18:10.600 --> 0:18:11.000 but for. 0:18:11.000 --> 0:18:16.479 All of us. So I plan on this show to 0:18:16.880 --> 0:18:17.400 bring on. 0:18:19.040 --> 0:18:22.720 What I regard as some of the best doctors in 0:18:22.880 --> 0:18:32.840 the cancer field, from brain surgeons to radiation oncologists, to 0:18:32.880 --> 0:18:39.439 cancer oncologists to cardio oncologists. Because people don't even realize 0:18:39.480 --> 0:18:46.879 that chemo, it impacts your heart, So that's something that 0:18:46.920 --> 0:18:51.920 we should all be very aware of to guynecologists because 0:18:52.000 --> 0:18:56.159 guess what, it impacts your sex life as well. And 0:18:56.200 --> 0:18:59.440 I'm from the South and originally, so it's very hard 0:18:59.440 --> 0:19:04.760 for me to have open conversations about gynecologists and sex. 0:19:04.800 --> 0:19:08.920 But I'm going to do it because it's needed. It's 0:19:09.080 --> 0:19:12.879 definitely needed. It impacts men with cancer, it impacts women 0:19:12.960 --> 0:19:19.879 with cancer. It's definitely impacted my life. And this is 0:19:19.880 --> 0:19:22.439 a podcast called Let's Be Clear, so I'm going to 0:19:22.440 --> 0:19:23.639 be clear about all of that. 0:19:28.359 --> 0:19:31.560 Yeah, So cancer will be a huge topic because. 0:19:32.160 --> 0:19:36.560 Once I went through my original chemo and radiation and 0:19:36.600 --> 0:19:41.960 had surgeries, I ended up being cleared. I went into remission, 0:19:42.119 --> 0:19:47.440 and then in twenty nineteen, I got diagnosed with stage 0:19:47.480 --> 0:19:51.520 four cancer, still breast cancer, just the breast cancer had 0:19:51.800 --> 0:19:55.960 moved into my bones. And some of you may know 0:19:56.880 --> 0:20:02.040 that stage four cancer is terminal. There there are drugs 0:20:02.040 --> 0:20:04.520 that you can be on that will prolong your life, 0:20:04.560 --> 0:20:11.720 but it's not curable as of right now. So living 0:20:12.680 --> 0:20:16.840 with that I think really. 0:20:18.920 --> 0:20:20.600 Changed me. Again. 0:20:21.040 --> 0:20:24.760 I've been through, you know, so many different changes and metamorphoses, 0:20:24.880 --> 0:20:28.000 like if you will in the last couple of years 0:20:29.280 --> 0:20:38.280 from cancer. But I think this diagnosis in twenty nineteen 0:20:38.440 --> 0:20:44.680 made me really look at my life and again reassess 0:20:45.040 --> 0:20:51.560 and become more committed to spreading the word about cancer 0:20:51.600 --> 0:20:57.520 and connecting to my cancer family, but also what I 0:20:57.560 --> 0:21:01.960 can do to make things easier on the people that 0:21:02.040 --> 0:21:08.200 I love in my life and to be prepared. It's 0:21:08.240 --> 0:21:13.800 hard making out your will, and it's hard making a 0:21:13.840 --> 0:21:15.160 funeral list. 0:21:15.560 --> 0:21:18.720 Stay tuned for that episode. It is. 0:21:20.359 --> 0:21:23.000 It's hard sitting down with your mom and having a 0:21:23.040 --> 0:21:27.359 conversation with her and saying, listen, you're probably gonna outlive me, 0:21:27.640 --> 0:21:32.040 and you may not like it. I like it because 0:21:32.080 --> 0:21:34.280 I want her to live forever. I love her so much. 0:21:35.880 --> 0:21:41.679 But you know, having that conversation is hard. Like and 0:21:41.720 --> 0:21:43.560 I'll have my mom on the show and she'll tell 0:21:43.600 --> 0:21:45.000 you what that's like for her. I don't want to 0:21:45.000 --> 0:21:52.320 put words into her mouth, but to look at your 0:21:52.359 --> 0:21:57.520 home and start thinking that you've got to put you know, 0:21:57.720 --> 0:22:03.240 little stickers behind stuff with people's initials on that because 0:22:03.280 --> 0:22:07.280 you're like, Okay, I really want this piece of art 0:22:07.320 --> 0:22:10.560 to go to my brother or to my nephew, or 0:22:13.160 --> 0:22:18.639 it's a you just have moments where you absolutely break 0:22:18.720 --> 0:22:26.360 down crying, wondering like when that time is going to come, 0:22:26.400 --> 0:22:30.639 where bird's time for goodbye? And what it's going to 0:22:30.680 --> 0:22:33.199 be like and is it going to be painful? Is 0:22:33.240 --> 0:22:38.119 it going to be peaceful? How are the people in 0:22:38.160 --> 0:22:50.399 my life going to deal with it? And that's hard. 0:22:49.359 --> 0:22:53.200 And also, you know, sorry you guys, very emotional stuff 0:22:53.240 --> 0:23:03.640 for me to talk about. You know, there's there's when 0:23:03.640 --> 0:23:06.560 you get to stage four cancer, there's protocols that you 0:23:06.640 --> 0:23:11.040 go through and your hope is that you don't blow 0:23:11.119 --> 0:23:15.280 through too many protocols and because there's only so many, 0:23:16.040 --> 0:23:18.440 I want to get into that on this podcast of 0:23:19.240 --> 0:23:23.560 what those protocols are and how they impacted me. There 0:23:23.600 --> 0:23:27.320 were some that were phenomenal and there were some that 0:23:27.520 --> 0:23:30.600 I couldn't tolerate at all, And you want to tolerate 0:23:30.640 --> 0:23:34.040 them so bad because you know that if you can't 0:23:34.080 --> 0:23:37.399 tolerate it, you're blowing through a protocol. 0:23:37.720 --> 0:23:39.720 You know, and where you're at when you're at like 0:23:41.080 --> 0:23:43.880 on maybe one of your maybe you only. 0:23:43.680 --> 0:23:45.920 Have two more protocols that you can possibly go through, 0:23:46.040 --> 0:23:48.919 and you're like, I just need to eke out another 0:23:49.040 --> 0:23:51.680 five years because they're going to come up with something else, 0:23:53.320 --> 0:23:55.400 which is really what people with. 0:23:55.400 --> 0:23:57.080 Stage four look at in their lives. 0:23:57.119 --> 0:23:59.640 They really sort of have to look at that and say, 0:23:59.720 --> 0:24:02.200 I just need another three years. I just need another 0:24:02.320 --> 0:24:07.880 five years, because there's so many amazing clinical trials happening 0:24:07.960 --> 0:24:12.919 right now that once they get approved, this will you know, 0:24:13.000 --> 0:24:17.320 elongate my life again. And you're just kind of chasing 0:24:19.680 --> 0:24:26.080 you're chasing protocols and you're chasing clinical trials, and it 0:24:26.119 --> 0:24:28.199 can be all consuming, but you don't want it to 0:24:28.200 --> 0:24:31.639 be all consuming because you still want to live your life. 0:24:32.080 --> 0:24:33.200 You know, you still want to. 0:24:35.720 --> 0:24:38.600 You still want to be a willing participant in your 0:24:38.600 --> 0:24:44.119 own life. And yes, I could, you know, become the 0:24:44.160 --> 0:24:47.520 healthiest human being in the world and never do anything bad, 0:24:48.160 --> 0:24:52.359 become a you know, workout freak and just the most 0:24:52.400 --> 0:24:56.280 clean eater in the world and no alcohol. But god, 0:24:58.040 --> 0:25:02.719 that's just not for me. I want to enjoy the 0:25:03.119 --> 0:25:07.960 time that I have and it's all a moderation, right, 0:25:08.080 --> 0:25:12.840 But I really enjoy my glass of red wine. It 0:25:12.840 --> 0:25:15.080 doesn't mean that I have a glass of red wine 0:25:15.160 --> 0:25:17.520 every night, but it means that when I want a 0:25:17.560 --> 0:25:32.280 glass of red wine, I'm going to have it. So 0:25:32.320 --> 0:25:35.160 I really want to talk about the people who are 0:25:35.840 --> 0:25:38.920 their hearts are so in the right place. But I 0:25:39.520 --> 0:25:43.439 get a lot of messages about, you know, some miracle cure, 0:25:44.760 --> 0:25:50.520 some holistic miracle cure, and that if I just stopped 0:25:51.200 --> 0:25:56.840 the chemical drugs that big Pharma is pedaling my way, 0:25:57.480 --> 0:25:59.960 that I would be cured of my stage four cancer, 0:26:00.640 --> 0:26:07.239 and what those actually are, do they really work? I 0:26:07.320 --> 0:26:09.520 kind of want to go down that rabbit hole a 0:26:09.560 --> 0:26:11.720 little bit. I hope some of you want to go 0:26:11.760 --> 0:26:16.040 down it with me. So we're going to get into 0:26:16.119 --> 0:26:21.160 all of that. We're also going to get into deep 0:26:21.920 --> 0:26:28.439 personal life stuff. I have been engaged. I don't know 0:26:28.480 --> 0:26:31.920 how many times, I gotta be honest, I can't remember. 0:26:34.840 --> 0:26:36.440 I lost count at some point. 0:26:37.440 --> 0:26:37.560 Ugh. 0:26:39.320 --> 0:26:44.040 I have been married three times. Technically i've been married 0:26:44.040 --> 0:26:48.600 three times. The second marriage I got annulled, so but 0:26:48.680 --> 0:26:53.520 I was still married to him. And you know, not 0:26:53.720 --> 0:26:56.440 all of my obviously, not all of my marriages were 0:26:56.480 --> 0:27:02.840 great because I'm divorced from two and right in the 0:27:02.840 --> 0:27:08.160 middle of the divorce right now. So but I'm really 0:27:08.200 --> 0:27:11.760 good friends interestingly enough with some of my ex fiancees 0:27:11.840 --> 0:27:15.960 and with some of my ex boyfriends, and yeah, with 0:27:16.040 --> 0:27:21.160 one of my ex husbands. My middle husband I'm which 0:27:21.359 --> 0:27:27.359 was Rick. I'm still really good friends with. We chat 0:27:27.400 --> 0:27:32.960 on the phone, we FaceTime, we laugh whenever he's in Malibu. 0:27:34.720 --> 0:27:36.720 You know, we make a point to see each other. 0:27:37.520 --> 0:27:42.679 I'm great friends with some exes, like my ex Rob Wise, 0:27:42.680 --> 0:27:44.800 who I was with for. 0:27:46.359 --> 0:27:47.280 Seven years. 0:27:47.320 --> 0:27:51.840 He was the second longest relationship I've ever had in 0:27:51.880 --> 0:28:00.359 my life, and he really helped. He helped me grow 0:28:00.440 --> 0:28:04.399 up and understand what a relationship was. I mean, we 0:28:04.440 --> 0:28:06.840 sort of grew up together and helped one another. 0:28:06.880 --> 0:28:07.480 I think so. 0:28:09.640 --> 0:28:13.720 And then you know, currently being in the middle of 0:28:13.800 --> 0:28:18.280 divorce while having Stage four cancer, I filed for divorce 0:28:18.720 --> 0:28:25.040 this year twenty twenty three. I had brain surgery in 0:28:25.119 --> 0:28:29.720 twenty twenty three as well. We discovered the first week 0:28:29.760 --> 0:28:36.560 of January that my cancer had spread to my brain. 0:28:36.680 --> 0:28:39.520 So I had brain met and there was one in particular, 0:28:39.760 --> 0:28:43.560 a tumor that was large enough for them to remove, 0:28:43.760 --> 0:28:47.040