1 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:08,520 Speaker 1: This is Let's Be Clear with Shannon Doherty. Hi everyone, 2 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:11,880 Speaker 1: I'm Shannon Doherty and welcome to my very first episode 3 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:15,280 Speaker 1: of Let's Be Clear with Shannon Doherty. I'm really excited 4 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:19,759 Speaker 1: and I'm nervous as well. I have obviously never done 5 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:21,520 Speaker 1: a podcast before, but. 6 00:00:23,079 --> 00:00:23,439 Speaker 2: I don't know. 7 00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:27,280 Speaker 1: It just felt like a very cool and interesting different 8 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:35,160 Speaker 1: way to connect and also to be me and tell 9 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:39,479 Speaker 1: my own story. What's really interesting is that I've been 10 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:43,240 Speaker 1: an actress for forty two years, and in those forty 11 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:46,640 Speaker 1: two years, a lot of people have told my story 12 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:51,240 Speaker 1: and I never have to grow up reading articles about 13 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:56,720 Speaker 1: yourself and to have people writing books about you, claiming 14 00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:59,000 Speaker 1: things that you did, whether they be. 15 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:02,120 Speaker 2: True or not, is hard. 16 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:07,040 Speaker 1: It's especially the untrue things obviously are much harder because 17 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:11,600 Speaker 1: you read them and you wonder where they even came 18 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:14,800 Speaker 1: up with that, or they took a kernel of a 19 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:18,280 Speaker 1: truth and exaggerated it and expanded it to sort of 20 00:01:18,319 --> 00:01:22,880 Speaker 1: benefit themselves, and it was incredibly harmful to me, to 21 00:01:22,959 --> 00:01:27,480 Speaker 1: my career, to my family, to my friends. And one 22 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:30,760 Speaker 1: thing I want to be very clear about is that 23 00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:36,679 Speaker 1: I take full responsibility for my actions always in my life. 24 00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:41,000 Speaker 1: I have never shoved it off to somebody else and said, oh, well, 25 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:44,160 Speaker 1: this was your fault. I am a person who believes 26 00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:48,280 Speaker 1: in accountability for myself and for others. So it is 27 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:53,360 Speaker 1: hard again repeating this, it's hard to read things about 28 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:58,440 Speaker 1: yourself or, for instance, somebody to take your cancer journey 29 00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:01,840 Speaker 1: and turn it into something that's not truthful and that 30 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:05,040 Speaker 1: doesn't represent you, or to try to break your story 31 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:09,720 Speaker 1: before you break it to your own family. I shaved 32 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:12,359 Speaker 1: my head when I was starting my first round of 33 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:16,080 Speaker 1: chemo back in twenty sixteen, and I shaved my head 34 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:19,519 Speaker 1: because I know eventually my hair was going to fall out, 35 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:24,679 Speaker 1: and I really just did not want everybody else to 36 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:28,720 Speaker 1: make it about them, for paparazzi to see me out 37 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:31,480 Speaker 1: and all of a sudden have these pictures of me 38 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:34,600 Speaker 1: walking home with no hair and it not coming from me, 39 00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:38,920 Speaker 1: and me not breaking my own story. Listen, I'm incredibly blessed, 40 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:42,680 Speaker 1: and I'm so grateful for the career that I've had 41 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:47,040 Speaker 1: and the opportunities that I've had. But with blessings comes 42 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:50,080 Speaker 1: to the other side of things, and I think that's 43 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:52,639 Speaker 1: one of the main reasons why I decided to do 44 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,480 Speaker 1: Let's be clear. Let's be clear what does that mean. 45 00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:58,160 Speaker 1: It means let's be clear about all of it. Let's 46 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:03,760 Speaker 1: be clear about my truth. Let's be clear about relationships, 47 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:08,280 Speaker 1: Let's be clear about cancer, Let's be clear about life 48 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:11,880 Speaker 1: in general. I toyed for a very long time with 49 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:15,120 Speaker 1: the idea of writing a memoirs. I was offered a 50 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:18,359 Speaker 1: lot of book deals over the years, and there was 51 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,840 Speaker 1: something about it that felt very disingenuous to me. 52 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:23,240 Speaker 2: Maybe it was. 53 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:29,520 Speaker 1: The fact that I couldn't get immediate responses back from 54 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:34,040 Speaker 1: people reading the book. There was there's almost a disconnect 55 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:37,080 Speaker 1: from a memoir. I love books, so don't take it 56 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:39,760 Speaker 1: like that way. I absolutely am a book reader. But 57 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:44,200 Speaker 1: I like fiction where you know, I drum up what 58 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:46,600 Speaker 1: the person looks like, and when the book is over 59 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,120 Speaker 1: sort of I can make up there, you know, another 60 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:53,000 Speaker 1: ending for them if ISO choose. With a memoir, you're 61 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:54,600 Speaker 1: sort of reading all of it and it is what 62 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:58,960 Speaker 1: it is, but you can't interact with it. And with 63 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:02,720 Speaker 1: a podcast you can interact. You know, there's an Instagram, 64 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:06,200 Speaker 1: you can ask questions, you can give me suggestions of 65 00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:08,680 Speaker 1: what it is that you want to hear me talk about. 66 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:12,400 Speaker 1: And that was really important to me to just be 67 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:19,159 Speaker 1: authentic and transparent and very truthful. Whether that's good for 68 00:04:19,279 --> 00:04:23,160 Speaker 1: me or at times might be detrimental. I don't really know. 69 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,160 Speaker 1: We're going to see how it plays out. I just 70 00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:28,440 Speaker 1: know that it's going to be the truth and nothing. 71 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:31,160 Speaker 1: But I also think it's just going to be fun. 72 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,240 Speaker 1: I'm going to be speaking with a lot of my 73 00:04:33,279 --> 00:04:37,560 Speaker 1: co stars. Some are going to be fantastic fun interviews. 74 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:40,120 Speaker 1: Some are going to be again a lot of hard 75 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:43,640 Speaker 1: truths of what we went through back then. I think 76 00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:48,320 Speaker 1: that growing up on TV in the nineties as a woman, 77 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:53,160 Speaker 1: it was very different than it is currently, and I 78 00:04:53,279 --> 00:04:55,279 Speaker 1: like to say that some of us sort of paved 79 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:59,039 Speaker 1: the way, and women are taking such huge strides in 80 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:02,920 Speaker 1: the world currently and certainly in TV. I think being 81 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,760 Speaker 1: on nine o two and zero and being someone who 82 00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:11,479 Speaker 1: didn't necessarily play by the rules. I didn't placate the 83 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:15,600 Speaker 1: men in my business, and I certainly didn't placate my bosses. 84 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:21,560 Speaker 1: I fought them, and that goes back to the way 85 00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:27,159 Speaker 1: that I was raised. My dad, by far, the most 86 00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:33,000 Speaker 1: amazing man that's ever walked this earth. I miss and 87 00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:38,600 Speaker 1: love every single second of the day. He was adamant 88 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:43,440 Speaker 1: about me being a very strong, intelligent woman who stood 89 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:45,760 Speaker 1: up for myself. And my mom was the same way, 90 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:50,279 Speaker 1: and they were very big on education and knowing your history, 91 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:55,120 Speaker 1: knowing your current affairs, being able to have carry on, 92 00:05:55,279 --> 00:06:00,360 Speaker 1: conduct an intelligent conversation and be well informed. And then 93 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:04,359 Speaker 1: it progressed with Michael Landon. Michael Landon was one of 94 00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:07,040 Speaker 1: the first people who looked at me and said, listen, 95 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:09,599 Speaker 1: they'll walk all over you in this business being a woman, 96 00:06:09,839 --> 00:06:13,839 Speaker 1: and don't let them. Stand up for yourself. So I did, 97 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:20,479 Speaker 1: and it caused, you know, a lot of issues back then, 98 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:26,960 Speaker 1: some issues I caused for myself. I was, you know, young, 99 00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:29,640 Speaker 1: and I wanted to go out and I didn't see 100 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:33,200 Speaker 1: any problem with going to, you know, a nightclub at 101 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:37,440 Speaker 1: twenty years old with Brian Torre and Marky Mark that's 102 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:40,760 Speaker 1: what he was named. Back then. I didn't see where 103 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:45,000 Speaker 1: it was bad. And sometimes my behavior would get a 104 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,680 Speaker 1: little carried away. I think that's kind of normal for 105 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:51,599 Speaker 1: somebody in their early early early twenties. But I could 106 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:54,200 Speaker 1: have done better for sure, which we're going to discuss 107 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:57,000 Speaker 1: all throughout this podcast. What are the things that I 108 00:06:57,040 --> 00:07:00,520 Speaker 1: could have done better, What are the mistakes that I 109 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:03,400 Speaker 1: really made? But also what's like the good that we 110 00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:08,200 Speaker 1: can take from all of it, and being a strong 111 00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:11,240 Speaker 1: woman and going up against someone like Aaron Spelling and 112 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:15,520 Speaker 1: Duke e Vincent, the people who who were you know, 113 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:19,920 Speaker 1: huge producers back then that that did nine on two 114 00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:23,160 Speaker 1: and Ho that then produced Charm, that produced Dynasty, that 115 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:27,520 Speaker 1: produced Melrose Place that you know had this you know 116 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:32,440 Speaker 1: legacy people, huge producers, but too as a young woman 117 00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:36,440 Speaker 1: to go up against them and say things like, hey, 118 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:39,640 Speaker 1: you know this script isn't very good and it's not 119 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:40,480 Speaker 1: great quality. 120 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:41,480 Speaker 2: We can do better. 121 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:45,480 Speaker 1: And for people to say things to me like you're 122 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:49,200 Speaker 1: not hired, to think you're hired to hit your mark 123 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:53,040 Speaker 1: and say your lines and act, that's the kind of 124 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:56,840 Speaker 1: stuff that really rubbed me personally the wrong way because 125 00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:00,680 Speaker 1: I wasn't raised that way. I was raised to think. 126 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:03,920 Speaker 1: I was raised to have an opinion and that my 127 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:07,760 Speaker 1: opinion should be valued. So I just kept on pressing 128 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:12,240 Speaker 1: up against that machine, up against men who didn't really 129 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:16,960 Speaker 1: want to hear my opinion, and I didn't stop. And 130 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,480 Speaker 1: I carried that throughout my career, and I carried that 131 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:25,320 Speaker 1: through Charmed. I think the difference between me then and 132 00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:30,480 Speaker 1: me now or when I got into my forties. Rather, 133 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:35,000 Speaker 1: is that I learned the simple art of diplomacy. I 134 00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:39,680 Speaker 1: learned that there might be a nicer way to say 135 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:45,240 Speaker 1: some things, There might be a more diplomatic spin that 136 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:49,520 Speaker 1: I could take. I also learned to stay at home. 137 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:51,160 Speaker 1: I learned to. 138 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:51,880 Speaker 2: Really like. 139 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:58,840 Speaker 1: Cultivate my space, to be healthy in a space that 140 00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:03,200 Speaker 1: I wanted to actually spend time in, and to surround 141 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:06,880 Speaker 1: myself with friends that you know, had my back and 142 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:10,319 Speaker 1: were incredibly supportive and that weren't selling stories to the 143 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:13,439 Speaker 1: National Inquirer about me, because that happened to me all 144 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:19,839 Speaker 1: throughout my twenties. And and friends that would look at 145 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:23,720 Speaker 1: me and say, hey, you know, stop your crap, like 146 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:28,400 Speaker 1: knock it off. You're you know, you're saying too much, 147 00:09:28,559 --> 00:09:31,760 Speaker 1: or you're saying too little, or you're too abrasive, or 148 00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:37,800 Speaker 1: you're too harsh. And those friendships I value. Those are 149 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:41,200 Speaker 1: people that I've known for an incredibly long time now. 150 00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:44,920 Speaker 1: Some of them may have come later in life, and 151 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:48,160 Speaker 1: I think that that just comes with maturity and growth 152 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:52,120 Speaker 1: and evolving as a human being, where you look at 153 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,280 Speaker 1: people and you go, Okay, you're you're like a good 154 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:59,280 Speaker 1: influence and you're you're inspirational on your own like in 155 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,160 Speaker 1: your own life, and I can learn so much for 156 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:03,520 Speaker 1: you from you. So those are kind of the people 157 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:07,280 Speaker 1: that I have in my life now. So we're definitely 158 00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:10,000 Speaker 1: going to delve into the whole nine o two And oh, 159 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:18,320 Speaker 1: was there a pay issue? We're men getting paid more 160 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:23,640 Speaker 1: money than the girls on the show. What did that 161 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:26,760 Speaker 1: mean back then in the nineties, was that the norm 162 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:31,080 Speaker 1: kind of was we'll talk about that. We'll talk about 163 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:33,559 Speaker 1: all the fights that you guys heard back on nine. 164 00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:38,440 Speaker 1: We'll have some of my former co stars on that 165 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:44,800 Speaker 1: I love and adore. We'll talk about that infamous you know, 166 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:52,040 Speaker 1: tape in the hair and fights saying they got physical. 167 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:52,960 Speaker 2: We'll have all that. 168 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:57,319 Speaker 1: We'll have those conversations and then go from there to 169 00:10:57,480 --> 00:11:01,160 Speaker 1: like amazing experiences like on Malrath. And you know what 170 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:04,680 Speaker 1: it was like to work with Kevin Smith, who was 171 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:09,439 Speaker 1: incredibly collaborative and fun and just made the set easy. 172 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:10,839 Speaker 2: It was like a. 173 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:13,520 Speaker 1: Bunch of kids hanging out and working and saying lines. 174 00:11:13,679 --> 00:11:20,480 Speaker 1: And it was awesome to playing Margaret Mitchell and to 175 00:11:20,679 --> 00:11:23,480 Speaker 1: Charmed and what Charmed was like. And you know, you've 176 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:28,640 Speaker 1: all heard all the rumors some people have addressed them 177 00:11:28,679 --> 00:11:31,000 Speaker 1: in books. I'm not going to address it in a book. 178 00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:33,360 Speaker 1: I'm going to address it right here on my podcast. 179 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:34,080 Speaker 2: And. 180 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,560 Speaker 1: We'll keep going through my career. And I think even 181 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:55,640 Speaker 1: more important than the career is my cancer journey. Some 182 00:11:55,679 --> 00:11:59,439 Speaker 1: of you may know, I got diagnosed in late two 183 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:03,800 Speaker 1: thousand and fifty and I went through surgery, I went 184 00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:08,920 Speaker 1: through chemo, I went through radiation all throughout twenty sixteen 185 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:13,679 Speaker 1: and part of twenty seventeen. And you know what that 186 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:19,640 Speaker 1: journey was like, because it was it was hard, and 187 00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:23,240 Speaker 1: it was scary, but there was also something. 188 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,800 Speaker 2: So beautiful about it. 189 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:34,080 Speaker 1: I really learned a lot about myself, and I learned 190 00:12:34,559 --> 00:12:38,240 Speaker 1: a lot about the people in my life. I learned 191 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:45,440 Speaker 1: about my own well of strength and being able to 192 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,600 Speaker 1: you know, dig deep. And when I thought I couldn't 193 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,880 Speaker 1: get out of bed, when I you know, dropped down 194 00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:54,560 Speaker 1: to ninety two pounds from chemo and was incredibly dehydrated, 195 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:57,920 Speaker 1: I had to. I had to still get out of bed, 196 00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:02,840 Speaker 1: and you know, my husband at the time sort of 197 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:06,439 Speaker 1: begging me to, you know, keep going, and my mom 198 00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:09,720 Speaker 1: like literally trying to pick me up out of bed 199 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:14,280 Speaker 1: and get me to the doctor. What those moments were like, 200 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:19,400 Speaker 1: what was it like to you know, at that point 201 00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:23,640 Speaker 1: in time, I thought that I wouldn't survive it, and 202 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:29,439 Speaker 1: I didn't know how I would get through it. And 203 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:34,600 Speaker 1: you know, getting body parts dropped off, getting a breast removed, 204 00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:40,200 Speaker 1: and how that changes the way that you look at yourself, 205 00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:48,120 Speaker 1: and it definitely did. I looked at myself as as 206 00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:51,880 Speaker 1: not whole anymore. I looked at myself as someone who 207 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:57,720 Speaker 1: was very damaged. I you know, had still have scars 208 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:01,800 Speaker 1: from my reconstruction, Sir, of a scar from hip bone 209 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:06,760 Speaker 1: to hip bone, and there's not a day that goes 210 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:10,720 Speaker 1: by that I don't look at that scar and feel 211 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:15,720 Speaker 1: pain about it and feel a little bit of remorse 212 00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:19,200 Speaker 1: about probably the decision that I made for the particular 213 00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:23,080 Speaker 1: reconstruction that I got, which we'll get into with an 214 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,720 Speaker 1: actual doctor who can help us all walk through it 215 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:31,000 Speaker 1: in another episode. You know, what was what was it 216 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:35,280 Speaker 1: like to lose my hair? I kind of kind of 217 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:40,320 Speaker 1: was known from my hair a little bit, and I 218 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,240 Speaker 1: was really proud of my hair, to be honest. I 219 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:45,560 Speaker 1: know it seems so vain and so silly to see 220 00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:49,400 Speaker 1: something like that, but you know, it helped define me. 221 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:54,800 Speaker 1: And when I lost it. It was I had to 222 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:57,960 Speaker 1: find a new definition from myself. It took a lot 223 00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:03,320 Speaker 1: of kindness from other people. To kindness from my friends. 224 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:09,400 Speaker 1: It took kindness from strangers, people on my Instagram sending 225 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:12,800 Speaker 1: me messages and connecting with me and you know, sharing 226 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:16,720 Speaker 1: their photos of their bald head after chemo to. 227 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:19,600 Speaker 2: Feel like I had. 228 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:26,200 Speaker 1: A family of like minded people that were going through 229 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:29,120 Speaker 1: the exact same thing, or their wife was going through 230 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:32,680 Speaker 1: the same thing, or their sister or their friend or 231 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:37,280 Speaker 1: their mom or their grandmother. Just to have that connection 232 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:40,760 Speaker 1: and from men as well, saying like, Hey, I've got 233 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,880 Speaker 1: this kind of cancer, this is how I feel, this 234 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:43,760 Speaker 1: is you know, my. 235 00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:45,920 Speaker 2: Bald head like it. 236 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:51,960 Speaker 1: It sort of wrapped me in this cocoon of safety. 237 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:55,280 Speaker 1: As cheesy as that may sound or sappy as that 238 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:56,880 Speaker 1: may sound, it really did. 239 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,120 Speaker 2: It made me feel. 240 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:08,920 Speaker 1: Made me feel less ostracized from the world and like 241 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:14,680 Speaker 1: I was a part of something, which then started my 242 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:23,800 Speaker 1: feeling of deep, deep responsibility to share my story, the 243 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:28,040 Speaker 1: beauty of it and the ugliness of it as well, 244 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:33,720 Speaker 1: in order to number one, help others going through what 245 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:40,520 Speaker 1: I was going through, and to number two, possibly speed 246 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:47,160 Speaker 1: up cancer research, get more money behind it. It's crazy 247 00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:49,480 Speaker 1: to me that cancer has been around as long as 248 00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:54,840 Speaker 1: it has and we don't have a cure. So yeah, 249 00:16:54,920 --> 00:17:00,680 Speaker 1: I feel a responsibility. And people always ask me like, God, 250 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:03,080 Speaker 1: do you ever say why me? And I'm like, yeah, 251 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:07,960 Speaker 1: I say it all the time, And I remind myself 252 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:13,000 Speaker 1: like why not me? Why should it be anybody else 253 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:20,320 Speaker 1: but me? And why me? Because I have a platform, 254 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:24,360 Speaker 1: and what better thing to use my platform for than 255 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:28,720 Speaker 1: to help other people with cancer or to help their 256 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:34,640 Speaker 1: loved ones understand what it's like for that person going 257 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:40,600 Speaker 1: through cancer, to to bring more awareness to cancer and 258 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:45,840 Speaker 1: in hopes of finding a cure. That's why me? 259 00:17:46,119 --> 00:17:46,560 Speaker 2: Why me? 260 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:51,199 Speaker 1: Because this is probably my calling. Maybe everything else in 261 00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:58,479 Speaker 1: my life, my career and all of that was really 262 00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:02,520 Speaker 1: just to get me to this place, just to get 263 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:05,159 Speaker 1: me to the place where I can actually make a 264 00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:10,480 Speaker 1: difference for others and for myself being selfish for a second, 265 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:11,000 Speaker 1: but for. 266 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:16,479 Speaker 2: All of us. So I plan on this show to 267 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:17,400 Speaker 2: bring on. 268 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:22,720 Speaker 1: What I regard as some of the best doctors in 269 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:32,840 Speaker 1: the cancer field, from brain surgeons to radiation oncologists, to 270 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:39,439 Speaker 1: cancer oncologists to cardio oncologists. Because people don't even realize 271 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:46,879 Speaker 1: that chemo, it impacts your heart, So that's something that 272 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:51,920 Speaker 1: we should all be very aware of to guynecologists because 273 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:56,159 Speaker 1: guess what, it impacts your sex life as well. And 274 00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:59,440 Speaker 1: I'm from the South and originally, so it's very hard 275 00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:04,760 Speaker 1: for me to have open conversations about gynecologists and sex. 276 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:08,920 Speaker 1: But I'm going to do it because it's needed. It's 277 00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:12,879 Speaker 1: definitely needed. It impacts men with cancer, it impacts women 278 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:19,879 Speaker 1: with cancer. It's definitely impacted my life. And this is 279 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,439 Speaker 1: a podcast called Let's Be Clear, so I'm going to 280 00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:23,639 Speaker 1: be clear about all of that. 281 00:19:28,359 --> 00:19:31,560 Speaker 2: Yeah, So cancer will be a huge topic because. 282 00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:36,560 Speaker 1: Once I went through my original chemo and radiation and 283 00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:41,960 Speaker 1: had surgeries, I ended up being cleared. I went into remission, 284 00:19:42,119 --> 00:19:47,440 Speaker 1: and then in twenty nineteen, I got diagnosed with stage 285 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:51,520 Speaker 1: four cancer, still breast cancer, just the breast cancer had 286 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:55,960 Speaker 1: moved into my bones. And some of you may know 287 00:19:56,880 --> 00:20:02,040 Speaker 1: that stage four cancer is terminal. There there are drugs 288 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:04,520 Speaker 1: that you can be on that will prolong your life, 289 00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:11,720 Speaker 1: but it's not curable as of right now. So living 290 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:16,840 Speaker 1: with that I think really. 291 00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:20,600 Speaker 2: Changed me. Again. 292 00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:24,760 Speaker 1: I've been through, you know, so many different changes and metamorphoses, 293 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:28,000 Speaker 1: like if you will in the last couple of years 294 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:38,280 Speaker 1: from cancer. But I think this diagnosis in twenty nineteen 295 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:44,680 Speaker 1: made me really look at my life and again reassess 296 00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:51,560 Speaker 1: and become more committed to spreading the word about cancer 297 00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:57,520 Speaker 1: and connecting to my cancer family, but also what I 298 00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:01,960 Speaker 1: can do to make things easier on the people that 299 00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:08,200 Speaker 1: I love in my life and to be prepared. It's 300 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:13,800 Speaker 1: hard making out your will, and it's hard making a 301 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:15,160 Speaker 1: funeral list. 302 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:18,720 Speaker 2: Stay tuned for that episode. It is. 303 00:21:20,359 --> 00:21:23,000 Speaker 1: It's hard sitting down with your mom and having a 304 00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:27,359 Speaker 1: conversation with her and saying, listen, you're probably gonna outlive me, 305 00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:32,040 Speaker 1: and you may not like it. I like it because 306 00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:34,280 Speaker 1: I want her to live forever. I love her so much. 307 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:41,679 Speaker 1: But you know, having that conversation is hard. Like and 308 00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:43,560 Speaker 1: I'll have my mom on the show and she'll tell 309 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:45,000 Speaker 1: you what that's like for her. I don't want to 310 00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:52,320 Speaker 1: put words into her mouth, but to look at your 311 00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:57,520 Speaker 1: home and start thinking that you've got to put you know, 312 00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:03,240 Speaker 1: little stickers behind stuff with people's initials on that because 313 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:07,280 Speaker 1: you're like, Okay, I really want this piece of art 314 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:10,560 Speaker 1: to go to my brother or to my nephew, or 315 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:18,639 Speaker 1: it's a you just have moments where you absolutely break 316 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:26,360 Speaker 1: down crying, wondering like when that time is going to come, 317 00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:30,639 Speaker 1: where bird's time for goodbye? And what it's going to 318 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:33,199 Speaker 1: be like and is it going to be painful? Is 319 00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:38,119 Speaker 1: it going to be peaceful? How are the people in 320 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:50,399 Speaker 1: my life going to deal with it? And that's hard. 321 00:22:49,359 --> 00:22:53,200 Speaker 3: And also, you know, sorry you guys, very emotional stuff 322 00:22:53,240 --> 00:23:03,640 Speaker 3: for me to talk about. You know, there's there's when 323 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,560 Speaker 3: you get to stage four cancer, there's protocols that you 324 00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:11,040 Speaker 3: go through and your hope is that you don't blow 325 00:23:11,119 --> 00:23:15,280 Speaker 3: through too many protocols and because there's only so many, 326 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:18,440 Speaker 3: I want to get into that on this podcast of 327 00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:23,560 Speaker 3: what those protocols are and how they impacted me. There 328 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:27,320 Speaker 3: were some that were phenomenal and there were some that 329 00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:30,600 Speaker 3: I couldn't tolerate at all, And you want to tolerate 330 00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:34,040 Speaker 3: them so bad because you know that if you can't 331 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:37,399 Speaker 3: tolerate it, you're blowing through a protocol. 332 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:39,720 Speaker 2: You know, and where you're at when you're at like 333 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:43,880 Speaker 2: on maybe one of your maybe you only. 334 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:45,920 Speaker 1: Have two more protocols that you can possibly go through, 335 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,919 Speaker 1: and you're like, I just need to eke out another 336 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,680 Speaker 1: five years because they're going to come up with something else, 337 00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:55,400 Speaker 1: which is really what people with. 338 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,080 Speaker 2: Stage four look at in their lives. 339 00:23:57,119 --> 00:23:59,640 Speaker 1: They really sort of have to look at that and say, 340 00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:02,200 Speaker 1: I just need another three years. I just need another 341 00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:07,880 Speaker 1: five years, because there's so many amazing clinical trials happening 342 00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:12,919 Speaker 1: right now that once they get approved, this will you know, 343 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:17,320 Speaker 1: elongate my life again. And you're just kind of chasing 344 00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:26,080 Speaker 1: you're chasing protocols and you're chasing clinical trials, and it 345 00:24:26,119 --> 00:24:28,199 Speaker 1: can be all consuming, but you don't want it to 346 00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:31,639 Speaker 1: be all consuming because you still want to live your life. 347 00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:33,200 Speaker 2: You know, you still want to. 348 00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:38,600 Speaker 1: You still want to be a willing participant in your 349 00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:44,119 Speaker 1: own life. And yes, I could, you know, become the 350 00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:47,520 Speaker 1: healthiest human being in the world and never do anything bad, 351 00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:52,359 Speaker 1: become a you know, workout freak and just the most 352 00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:56,280 Speaker 1: clean eater in the world and no alcohol. But god, 353 00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:02,719 Speaker 1: that's just not for me. I want to enjoy the 354 00:25:03,119 --> 00:25:07,960 Speaker 1: time that I have and it's all a moderation, right, 355 00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:12,840 Speaker 1: But I really enjoy my glass of red wine. It 356 00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:15,080 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that I have a glass of red wine 357 00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:17,520 Speaker 1: every night, but it means that when I want a 358 00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:32,280 Speaker 1: glass of red wine, I'm going to have it. So 359 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:35,160 Speaker 1: I really want to talk about the people who are 360 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:38,920 Speaker 1: their hearts are so in the right place. But I 361 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:43,439 Speaker 1: get a lot of messages about, you know, some miracle cure, 362 00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:50,520 Speaker 1: some holistic miracle cure, and that if I just stopped 363 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:56,840 Speaker 1: the chemical drugs that big Pharma is pedaling my way, 364 00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:59,960 Speaker 1: that I would be cured of my stage four cancer, 365 00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:07,239 Speaker 1: and what those actually are, do they really work? I 366 00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:09,520 Speaker 1: kind of want to go down that rabbit hole a 367 00:26:09,560 --> 00:26:11,720 Speaker 1: little bit. I hope some of you want to go 368 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:16,040 Speaker 1: down it with me. So we're going to get into 369 00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:21,160 Speaker 1: all of that. We're also going to get into deep 370 00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:28,439 Speaker 1: personal life stuff. I have been engaged. I don't know 371 00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:31,920 Speaker 1: how many times, I gotta be honest, I can't remember. 372 00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:36,440 Speaker 1: I lost count at some point. 373 00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:37,560 Speaker 3: Ugh. 374 00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:44,040 Speaker 1: I have been married three times. Technically i've been married 375 00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:48,600 Speaker 1: three times. The second marriage I got annulled, so but 376 00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:53,520 Speaker 1: I was still married to him. And you know, not 377 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:56,440 Speaker 1: all of my obviously, not all of my marriages were 378 00:26:56,480 --> 00:27:02,840 Speaker 1: great because I'm divorced from two and right in the 379 00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:08,160 Speaker 1: middle of the divorce right now. So but I'm really 380 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:11,760 Speaker 1: good friends interestingly enough with some of my ex fiancees 381 00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:15,960 Speaker 1: and with some of my ex boyfriends, and yeah, with 382 00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:21,160 Speaker 1: one of my ex husbands. My middle husband I'm which 383 00:27:21,359 --> 00:27:27,359 Speaker 1: was Rick. I'm still really good friends with. We chat 384 00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:32,960 Speaker 1: on the phone, we FaceTime, we laugh whenever he's in Malibu. 385 00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:36,720 Speaker 1: You know, we make a point to see each other. 386 00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:42,679 Speaker 1: I'm great friends with some exes, like my ex Rob Wise, 387 00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:44,800 Speaker 1: who I was with for. 388 00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:47,280 Speaker 2: Seven years. 389 00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:51,840 Speaker 1: He was the second longest relationship I've ever had in 390 00:27:51,880 --> 00:28:00,359 Speaker 1: my life, and he really helped. He helped me grow 391 00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:04,399 Speaker 1: up and understand what a relationship was. I mean, we 392 00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:06,840 Speaker 1: sort of grew up together and helped one another. 393 00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:07,480 Speaker 2: I think so. 394 00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:13,720 Speaker 1: And then you know, currently being in the middle of 395 00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:18,280 Speaker 1: divorce while having Stage four cancer, I filed for divorce 396 00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:25,040 Speaker 1: this year twenty twenty three. I had brain surgery in 397 00:28:25,119 --> 00:28:29,720 Speaker 1: twenty twenty three as well. We discovered the first week 398 00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:36,560 Speaker 1: of January that my cancer had spread to my brain. 399 00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:39,520 Speaker 1: So I had brain met and there was one in particular, 400 00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:43,560 Speaker 1: a tumor that was large enough for them to remove, 401 00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:47,040 Speaker 1: and they really wanted to remove it in order to 402 00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:50,880 Speaker 1: dissect it and get the pathology on it so that 403 00:28:51,040 --> 00:28:55,840 Speaker 1: we would understand what was happening and then what would 404 00:28:55,920 --> 00:29:01,480 Speaker 1: be the proper protocol and treatment to give me. So 405 00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:05,040 Speaker 1: I had brain surgery, which was the most frightening thing 406 00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:07,720 Speaker 1: I have ever been through in my entire life. I 407 00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:11,640 Speaker 1: didn't think that I was going to make it. I 408 00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:15,960 Speaker 1: was positive that I was going to die. And the 409 00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:19,920 Speaker 1: best case scenario in my head if I didn't die 410 00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:28,280 Speaker 1: was that I would lose the ability to walk or 411 00:29:28,360 --> 00:29:34,880 Speaker 1: to talk. And I went in to that surgery early 412 00:29:34,960 --> 00:29:38,960 Speaker 1: in the morning, and I went in after I found 413 00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:43,400 Speaker 1: out that, you know, my marriage was essentially over, that 414 00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:48,120 Speaker 1: my husband had been carrying on an affair for two years, 415 00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:54,280 Speaker 1: and to not go in that surgery, even though being 416 00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:58,680 Speaker 1: very clear he wanted to go, I couldn't go into 417 00:29:58,680 --> 00:30:01,920 Speaker 1: that surgery with him there. 418 00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:05,120 Speaker 2: I felt so betrayed. 419 00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:08,200 Speaker 1: At the end of the day, I just felt so 420 00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:13,400 Speaker 1: incredibly unloved by someone I was with for fourteen years, 421 00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:16,440 Speaker 1: by someone that you know, I loved with all my heart. 422 00:30:17,240 --> 00:30:21,600 Speaker 1: So I went into surgery, thank God, with my mom 423 00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:23,959 Speaker 1: by my side, with my brother by the side, with 424 00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:27,560 Speaker 1: my best friend Chris by my side, my friends Christie 425 00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:31,800 Speaker 1: and Honarey and Anne, Marie like Holly all praying for 426 00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:35,400 Speaker 1: me and you know, texting me. I still went into 427 00:30:35,400 --> 00:30:39,520 Speaker 1: that surgery petrified. I hadn't met my brain surgeon other 428 00:30:39,600 --> 00:30:43,360 Speaker 1: than via zoom, and I really liked him. His name 429 00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:46,200 Speaker 1: was doctor Chew. So when I finally got to see him, 430 00:30:46,600 --> 00:30:48,920 Speaker 1: I you know, I looked at him and I said, 431 00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:52,920 Speaker 1: just listen, do me a favor, Like, if you can't 432 00:30:53,160 --> 00:31:02,000 Speaker 1: get the whole tumor out without jeopardizing who I am 433 00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:04,360 Speaker 1: as a human being, So if you want to get 434 00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:07,360 Speaker 1: it all out, but it's going to cause me to 435 00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:11,800 Speaker 1: lose the ability to walk or like my right foot, 436 00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:15,320 Speaker 1: which was one of the fears, then just leave it, 437 00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:20,840 Speaker 1: like just close me back up and we'll deal with it. 438 00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:24,520 Speaker 1: But don't do anything that's going to change me as 439 00:31:24,520 --> 00:31:27,680 Speaker 1: a human being. And please, whatever you do, don't do 440 00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:32,200 Speaker 1: something that's going to impact my actual brain. Because going 441 00:31:32,360 --> 00:31:35,000 Speaker 1: way back to the way that I was raised, being 442 00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:43,520 Speaker 1: somebody who can process information quickly, being someone who craves 443 00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:49,320 Speaker 1: learning and having intelligent conversations, I just I didn't want 444 00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:52,200 Speaker 1: to lose that. It's one of the things I'm the 445 00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:55,760 Speaker 1: most proud about with myself and one of the things 446 00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:58,880 Speaker 1: I'm so grateful I had a mom and a dad 447 00:31:58,920 --> 00:32:01,320 Speaker 1: like I had raising me. The way that they raised 448 00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:06,160 Speaker 1: me is that I'm smart, and I did not want 449 00:32:07,280 --> 00:32:09,840 Speaker 1: to lose any of that. I just wanted to make 450 00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:13,680 Speaker 1: sure I came out me. So I did brain surgery 451 00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:19,040 Speaker 1: and I lived because I'm here. But you know, I 452 00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:22,080 Speaker 1: remember waking up and my mom being right there and 453 00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:25,880 Speaker 1: doctor Chu being right there, and you know, they didn't 454 00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:28,520 Speaker 1: get it all. He got as much as he could, 455 00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:34,160 Speaker 1: and he was like, you know, that was enough for 456 00:32:34,440 --> 00:32:39,400 Speaker 1: the surgery. I did brain radiation on that particular tumor 457 00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:43,160 Speaker 1: prior to surgery, just so when they went to to 458 00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:49,480 Speaker 1: scoop it out that you know, it didn't it didn't spread. 459 00:32:50,320 --> 00:32:52,320 Speaker 1: Sort of look at it as like seeds of cancer 460 00:32:52,440 --> 00:32:54,560 Speaker 1: within the tumor, so that the seeds were all dead 461 00:32:54,560 --> 00:32:58,400 Speaker 1: and couldn't spread. That's that's like a layman's explanation of it, 462 00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:02,640 Speaker 1: but that's the explanation I'm gonna So it had already 463 00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:06,320 Speaker 1: been radiated. Everybody felt very comfortable with it. And then 464 00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:11,800 Speaker 1: after my brain surgery, I went for more radiation because 465 00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:13,840 Speaker 1: I had I think it was either four to five 466 00:33:13,880 --> 00:33:16,160 Speaker 1: more mets in my brain. There were very very very 467 00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:19,880 Speaker 1: very very tiny and certainly not something that you could 468 00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:23,800 Speaker 1: operate on and remove. So I did a couple of 469 00:33:23,840 --> 00:33:30,000 Speaker 1: rounds of brain radiation with a wonderful radiation oncologist named 470 00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:34,360 Speaker 1: doctor Maharty and they're all at Theater Sinai here in 471 00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:38,200 Speaker 1: Los Angeles, and you know, he definitely tried to avoid 472 00:33:38,720 --> 00:33:42,000 Speaker 1: any more hair falling out, but you're going to have 473 00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:45,840 Speaker 1: some of that anyway. And then it was really about 474 00:33:46,280 --> 00:33:50,320 Speaker 1: after that finding like a protocol, and that was with 475 00:33:50,440 --> 00:33:54,240 Speaker 1: doctor Lawrence Pirot, who is my oncologist. And you know, 476 00:33:54,280 --> 00:33:56,480 Speaker 1: the first protocol I went on didn't didn't work, and 477 00:33:56,520 --> 00:33:59,320 Speaker 1: now I'm on a totally different one and it's extremely hard. 478 00:33:59,520 --> 00:34:02,720 Speaker 1: We'll have that conversation again with a doctor or so 479 00:34:03,360 --> 00:34:06,520 Speaker 1: anything that I'm missing that's sort of technical, they can 480 00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:08,759 Speaker 1: help fill in. I'm always going to talk to you 481 00:34:08,800 --> 00:34:12,600 Speaker 1: guys from the heart and from personal experience, and then 482 00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:15,960 Speaker 1: I'll have on experts to help me fill in the 483 00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:19,600 Speaker 1: missing pieces. But you know, it's been a twenty twenty 484 00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:23,680 Speaker 1: three has been a challenging year for sure. Again from 485 00:34:23,719 --> 00:34:27,239 Speaker 1: brain surgery to brain radiation to what I'm on now, 486 00:34:27,280 --> 00:34:30,520 Speaker 1: which is kind of a version of chemo losing your 487 00:34:30,560 --> 00:34:35,680 Speaker 1: hair all over again or it becoming patchy. And then 488 00:34:35,920 --> 00:34:38,680 Speaker 1: what do you do? You know, do do you wear wig? 489 00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:41,640 Speaker 1: Do you go bald? Do you embrace the baldness. Do 490 00:34:41,680 --> 00:34:46,200 Speaker 1: you walk around with you know, patchy hair? And I'm 491 00:34:46,360 --> 00:34:49,480 Speaker 1: going to tell you and talk to you about like 492 00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:51,880 Speaker 1: my choices and what I decided was right for me 493 00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:55,200 Speaker 1: in this moment and the struggle I still have with it, 494 00:34:55,239 --> 00:34:57,719 Speaker 1: the struggle of you know, am I being authentic? Am 495 00:34:57,760 --> 00:34:59,480 Speaker 1: I being true to who I am and true to 496 00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:03,400 Speaker 1: the cancer CA community. It's again, it's it's you know, pressure. 497 00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:06,720 Speaker 2: Pressure. I welcome, by the way, pressure. 498 00:35:06,760 --> 00:35:12,239 Speaker 1: I feel very blessed that I have because it's what 499 00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:15,680 Speaker 1: I'm here to do, I think. And just to go 500 00:35:15,840 --> 00:35:19,319 Speaker 1: through all of that while also trying to figure out 501 00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:24,200 Speaker 1: if you're going to get a freakin divorce like and 502 00:35:24,280 --> 00:35:40,279 Speaker 1: trying to get to the truth of that. One of 503 00:35:40,280 --> 00:35:41,960 Speaker 1: my friends said it best to me. They were like, 504 00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:45,760 Speaker 1: you are a truth seeker, like you do not stop 505 00:35:46,280 --> 00:35:49,120 Speaker 1: until you get to the truth. And I think sometimes 506 00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:51,640 Speaker 1: it's a big detriment. I think there are times to 507 00:35:51,719 --> 00:35:55,480 Speaker 1: let things go and and just reconcile and say, okay, 508 00:35:55,680 --> 00:35:59,160 Speaker 1: I'm never going to know this truth and and that's okay, 509 00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:03,919 Speaker 1: I'm trying to learn that. But you know, for many, many, 510 00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:08,000 Speaker 1: many many months, I was obsessed with finding the truth 511 00:36:08,719 --> 00:36:13,280 Speaker 1: and not through nefarious ways, not through you know, hacking 512 00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:16,839 Speaker 1: of somebody's email or anything of that nature, but through 513 00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:21,520 Speaker 1: conversations expecting somebody to be honest with me, because if 514 00:36:21,560 --> 00:36:25,799 Speaker 1: you share fourteen years together and you cheated, doesn't that 515 00:36:25,880 --> 00:36:30,640 Speaker 1: person deserve the absolute truth, regardless of how much it 516 00:36:30,719 --> 00:36:32,960 Speaker 1: hurts them, if they're the ones asking for it, if 517 00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:36,040 Speaker 1: they're the ones saying, like, listen, I get it. I 518 00:36:36,120 --> 00:36:38,359 Speaker 1: may cry and I may get angry, and this may 519 00:36:38,680 --> 00:36:41,640 Speaker 1: really suck to hear, but I need to hear it 520 00:36:41,719 --> 00:36:43,919 Speaker 1: because I need closure, and this is how I get 521 00:36:43,920 --> 00:36:46,600 Speaker 1: my closure. So I had a lot of months of 522 00:36:46,680 --> 00:36:48,600 Speaker 1: trying to figure out what I was going to do, 523 00:36:48,880 --> 00:36:52,399 Speaker 1: and I went back and forth to be honest, and 524 00:36:53,160 --> 00:36:56,799 Speaker 1: I never ever, ever thought a million years that I 525 00:36:56,920 --> 00:37:00,400 Speaker 1: would be that girl. I have always said from the beginning, 526 00:37:00,400 --> 00:37:02,000 Speaker 1: if you cheat on me, you're out. 527 00:37:02,600 --> 00:37:03,000 Speaker 2: That's it. 528 00:37:03,080 --> 00:37:08,360 Speaker 1: With every boyfriend, every husband, every fance. You cheat on me, 529 00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:12,120 Speaker 1: We're done. I will not look back. You will fail 530 00:37:12,239 --> 00:37:17,160 Speaker 1: to exist. I've been like that, hardcore about it. And 531 00:37:17,200 --> 00:37:22,000 Speaker 1: then when someone you really, really really love, someone that 532 00:37:22,080 --> 00:37:25,160 Speaker 1: you regard as your absolute best friend in the world, 533 00:37:25,320 --> 00:37:28,960 Speaker 1: when you're lied to and you discover that you know 534 00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:31,200 Speaker 1: they've cheated on you, or they finally tell you that 535 00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:33,640 Speaker 1: they're cheating on you because they're you know, riddled by 536 00:37:33,719 --> 00:37:34,760 Speaker 1: guilt or whatever. 537 00:37:35,440 --> 00:37:38,240 Speaker 2: I didn't walk away right away. I couldn't. 538 00:37:38,440 --> 00:37:43,440 Speaker 1: I was I was so confused, And I was also 539 00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:47,640 Speaker 1: on steroids and a lot of stuff from brain surgery 540 00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:52,600 Speaker 1: because they didn't want my brains as well. And it's honestly, 541 00:37:52,600 --> 00:37:55,920 Speaker 1: it's still really hard. Yes, I made the decision to 542 00:37:56,239 --> 00:37:59,439 Speaker 1: file for divorce, but you know, I have a lot 543 00:37:59,440 --> 00:38:04,040 Speaker 1: of memories with this person, and a lot of really beautiful, amazing, 544 00:38:04,400 --> 00:38:09,399 Speaker 1: great memories. And I also take some responsibility for the 545 00:38:09,440 --> 00:38:16,120 Speaker 1: demise of our marriage. Actually that's not true. Let me 546 00:38:16,200 --> 00:38:19,880 Speaker 1: rephrase that and be very clear about this. I do 547 00:38:19,960 --> 00:38:23,200 Speaker 1: not take responsibility for the demise of our marriage. I 548 00:38:23,239 --> 00:38:26,840 Speaker 1: take responsibility for some of the issues in our marriage. 549 00:38:27,280 --> 00:38:30,960 Speaker 1: I take the responsibility not only because of how I was, 550 00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:35,120 Speaker 1: but because of how cancer impacted my marriage and how 551 00:38:35,160 --> 00:38:38,920 Speaker 1: it impacted him the second time around, some of the 552 00:38:38,960 --> 00:38:42,120 Speaker 1: decisions that I made that he may not have agreed with, 553 00:38:42,719 --> 00:38:47,480 Speaker 1: and his fear. So I do take responsibility for some 554 00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:50,920 Speaker 1: of that. I do not take responsibility for the demise 555 00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:55,000 Speaker 1: of a marriage because I am not a quitter. If 556 00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:59,759 Speaker 1: somebody is still showing me loyalty and respect and love, 557 00:39:00,120 --> 00:39:03,719 Speaker 1: I am going to hang in there. I am going 558 00:39:03,800 --> 00:39:10,239 Speaker 1: to try my hardest because divorce is rough. So I 559 00:39:11,120 --> 00:39:13,720 Speaker 1: struggled with my decision, and I went back and forth, 560 00:39:13,760 --> 00:39:16,520 Speaker 1: and I had lots of conversations. And by the way, 561 00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:22,560 Speaker 1: I also spoke to the girlfriend of two years that 562 00:39:22,640 --> 00:39:30,279 Speaker 1: he cheated on me with, which is a whole other episode. 563 00:39:30,480 --> 00:39:36,080 Speaker 1: So and I finally had to come to that hard 564 00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:43,359 Speaker 1: truth and file for divorce. And it was embarrassing. I was, 565 00:39:45,320 --> 00:39:48,720 Speaker 1: you know, I'm horrified that I can't keep a relationship together. 566 00:39:49,200 --> 00:39:53,440 Speaker 1: I think it's like a reflection on me, although I 567 00:39:53,640 --> 00:39:56,040 Speaker 1: kind of like this one. I don't know, I think 568 00:39:56,080 --> 00:39:59,480 Speaker 1: it's on him. But still I don't want to be 569 00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:05,280 Speaker 1: a failure in life. And I've failed three times at marriage, 570 00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:13,880 Speaker 1: and and I still believe in love. I still believe that. 571 00:40:15,000 --> 00:40:18,719 Speaker 1: You know, my mom and dad were married for I 572 00:40:18,760 --> 00:40:21,640 Speaker 1: don't I don't know, forty some odd years, and you know, 573 00:40:22,320 --> 00:40:26,600 Speaker 1: the only thing that separated them physically was my father's death. 574 00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:29,120 Speaker 1: But you know, my mom still wears her wedding ban 575 00:40:29,239 --> 00:40:32,840 Speaker 1: and she still says her husband and she always will 576 00:40:34,600 --> 00:40:40,920 Speaker 1: you know, they're still married in in all the ways 577 00:40:40,920 --> 00:40:42,920 Speaker 1: that matter. You know, I know that my dad is 578 00:40:43,239 --> 00:40:45,080 Speaker 1: still with her every day, just like he is with. 579 00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:48,000 Speaker 2: Me, and my mom. 580 00:40:49,400 --> 00:40:52,000 Speaker 1: As of right now, has no desire to ever get 581 00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:55,359 Speaker 1: married to anybody else. She is, you know, that's the 582 00:40:55,360 --> 00:41:01,800 Speaker 1: only man for me. And I'm done now. So I 583 00:41:02,920 --> 00:41:08,120 Speaker 1: come from that mentality. So it sucks to fail three times. 584 00:41:11,040 --> 00:41:14,680 Speaker 1: There's a lot to unpack her and we will. We 585 00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:19,400 Speaker 1: will definitely unpack all of it, all right, guys. So 586 00:41:20,600 --> 00:41:27,799 Speaker 1: that was a lot. Yeah, it's a lot. It is 587 00:41:27,960 --> 00:41:32,040 Speaker 1: definitely a lot. And this is just the first episode. 588 00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:37,200 Speaker 1: So imagine what the next year is going to bring. Uh, 589 00:41:37,280 --> 00:41:41,560 Speaker 1: It's gonna be honest. It's going to be clear and 590 00:41:41,600 --> 00:41:45,560 Speaker 1: full access basically into my life and everything that I'm 591 00:41:45,560 --> 00:41:49,080 Speaker 1: going through and everything that I feel, and along with 592 00:41:49,239 --> 00:41:54,600 Speaker 1: a healthy mixture of friends and laughter and community and 593 00:41:54,840 --> 00:42:00,520 Speaker 1: doctors and information like let's learn together, let's cry together, 594 00:42:00,840 --> 00:42:04,920 Speaker 1: and let's laugh together. Let's just go through this journey 595 00:42:04,960 --> 00:42:08,000 Speaker 1: of life together. I hope you guys tune in for 596 00:42:08,239 --> 00:42:11,160 Speaker 1: the next episode. Thank you, And this is let's be 597 00:42:11,280 --> 00:42:13,320 Speaker 1: clear with Shannon Doherty. Because I'm being clear