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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat

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Speaker 1: and I am your host. If you are new or

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Speaker 1: new word to the podcast and you're wondering what couch

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Speaker 1: Talks is, well, it is the special bonus episode of

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Speaker 1: You Need Therapy where I answer questions that you guys

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Speaker 1: sent to me at Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast

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Speaker 1: dot com. Anybody can send a question. They will always

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Speaker 1: be anonymous. I will not read your name even if

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Speaker 1: you put it in the email, because you know, we

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Speaker 1: like to remain confidential in matters that deal with our

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Speaker 1: personal lives sometimes, and I think that's really important and

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Speaker 1: I like to honor that. Now, each episode we try

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Speaker 1: to do one question. We're going to get right into

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Speaker 1: it today because this is a question that I feel

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Speaker 1: passionate about answering, and you know, I might be a

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Speaker 1: little long winded, so we're going to jump right into it.

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Speaker 1: Someone read the question and then we're going to talk

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Speaker 1: about it. Here it is. Hey, Kat, I love your

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Speaker 1: podcast and actually also started following you on Instagram after

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Speaker 1: becoming a listener. I've heard you say that you met

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Speaker 1: your boyfriend on a dating app, and would love some

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Speaker 1: insight on the dating app world in general, because it

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Speaker 1: feels so scary and disappointing to me. I'm not in

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Speaker 1: a place where I am necessarily embarrassed to meet someone

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Speaker 1: on a dating app, although I probably would have been

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Speaker 1: five years ago. It's more just that all feels exhausting,

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Speaker 1: and when I hear of success stories, I find myself

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Speaker 1: just rolling my eyes in my head. I hope you

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Speaker 1: don't take this the wrong way, but there's a part

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Speaker 1: of me that wants to also roll my eyes at

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Speaker 1: your relationship too. But I've also listened to you talk

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Speaker 1: about how hard dating has been for you in the past,

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Speaker 1: so I'm trying to use some empathy and not do that.

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Speaker 1: I appreciate that. Now for the question portion of my email,

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Speaker 1: can you do an episode or even just a Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks episode on how to stay motivated and dating if

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Speaker 1: you're comfortable sharing some personal experience, I would love that,

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Speaker 1: Or even if you can just talk about why you

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Speaker 1: think dating is so hard these days, and maybe you

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Speaker 1: can give some tips for all of this that are

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Speaker 1: still out there looking for a person. I want to

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Speaker 1: just blame dating apps, but are there things that you

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Speaker 1: see clients do that I might be doing that might

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Speaker 1: be hurting our chances of finding someone out there. In

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Speaker 1: all honesty, I do love seeing the pictures and videos

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Speaker 1: of you and Big Pe. You both look super happy.

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Speaker 1: I guess I just need to know how to find

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Speaker 1: that for myself. So a side note before I get

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Speaker 1: into the answer, Big p that's my boyfriend and that's

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Speaker 1: the name we have. Obviously, this must be a listener

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Speaker 1: of Four Things in the fifth episode that I do

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Speaker 1: every week on the Four Things podcast with Amy Realm,

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Speaker 1: I'm on that every single Tuesday, and we talked about

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Speaker 1: all kinds of random things, including our lives and um.

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Speaker 1: Amy has given my boyfriend the nickname Big Peace, So

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Speaker 1: shout out to the help that it's stuck. And I'm

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Speaker 1: not sure if he wanted it to stick or not.

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Speaker 1: But there are a couple of things I want to

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Speaker 1: address in this email, and before I get into it,

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Speaker 1: I do want to say, and I talked out this

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Speaker 1: a lot. I have this adverse reaction to relationship experts

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Speaker 1: and dating coaches. I think that there probably can be

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Speaker 1: a time and place where they can be really helpful,

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Speaker 1: but I don't believe that there is universal dating advice

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Speaker 1: that can be simplified and given and applied to every

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Speaker 1: single person just because we're also different. So I don't

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Speaker 1: want to start the answering this question given the impression

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Speaker 1: that I can give you advice or tips or tricks

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Speaker 1: that will guarantee to find you the man or woman

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Speaker 1: or whoever it is of your dreams. And I can

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Speaker 1: talk about some things, and I can talk about some

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Speaker 1: things that might help if you start thinking about them

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Speaker 1: in different ways. But I just want to put that

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Speaker 1: out there because I am somebody who gets really nerved up.

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Speaker 1: That's even a phrase. I'm gonna make it a phrase

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Speaker 1: when people kind of create some kind of gain out

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Speaker 1: of false promises, and I don't want to ever be

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Speaker 1: that person because when it comes down to it, what

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Speaker 1: worked for me might not work for you. And I

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Speaker 1: think also luck is involved, which I'll talk about and yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's just too nuanced to to do that. But we

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Speaker 1: can't talk about some things, and I can give you

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Speaker 1: some things to think about that might actually help. So

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Speaker 1: let's get into it, okay. So one I will I

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Speaker 1: do want to acknowledge that dating was really hard for me,

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Speaker 1: and I probably will never share the fullness of my

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Speaker 1: dating life on the podcast, but I cried a lot,

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Speaker 1: and I don't want anyone to think that I was

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Speaker 1: always laughing through all of um my experiences, although I

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Speaker 1: did use um humor to cope, and I found ways

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Speaker 1: to cope with my bad dates by I've talked about

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Speaker 1: it before, having a shitty date jar where we got

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Speaker 1: to make fun of the really horrible that or sometimes

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Speaker 1: they just were funny um experiences so we didn't have

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Speaker 1: to like sit fully always of the time in the pain,

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Speaker 1: because nobody can do that. And I really do think

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Speaker 1: that like humor gets bad rap as a coping strategy,

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Speaker 1: I think it can be used as a defense mechanism

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Speaker 1: at times, but also humor can be used as a

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Speaker 1: coping strategy and that can be helpful at times. So

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Speaker 1: I don't think somebody making light of certain situations when

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Speaker 1: it comes to dating is always necessarily a bad thing.

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Speaker 1: We never should be doing something all of the time,

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Speaker 1: always and never those two words get us in trouble often.

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Speaker 1: But I just want to say up top that like

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Speaker 1: dating was really hard for me. And although you will

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Speaker 1: hear me making light of certain situations um and stories

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Speaker 1: that I tell on the podcast or on my Instagram

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Speaker 1: or anything like that that is helpful for me, But

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Speaker 1: I also want you to know you're not getting the

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Speaker 1: full picture. And I think that's what I want to

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Speaker 1: put out there for everybody. Right, we don't get the

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Speaker 1: full picture of anybody's relationship, or anybody's dating life, or

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Speaker 1: anybody's single life, because we are seeing the outside of

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Speaker 1: what somebody wants us to see, what somebody's willing to

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Speaker 1: put out there, what we're projecting as the image we

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Speaker 1: want people to to grab onto, or what we even

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Speaker 1: feel just comfortable sharing, because sometimes it's important for us

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Speaker 1: to keep certain things to ourselves. So we're comparing our

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Speaker 1: insides and the fullness of ourselves to other people's outsides,

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Speaker 1: and I don't think that's fair for anybody. So keep

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Speaker 1: in mind when you see other people. I know it's

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Speaker 1: something you hear all the time, but it's something that

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Speaker 1: we have to continue to remind ourselves. When we are

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Speaker 1: comparing our insides to somebody else's outsides, we have to

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Speaker 1: remind ourselves that we're doing that. So first thing, then,

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Speaker 1: while dating was super hard for me, dating apps are

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Speaker 1: super hard for me too. At times, they were a

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Speaker 1: lot easier for my boyfriend, and he might not agree

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Speaker 1: with that. So this is a again that right there

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Speaker 1: is my personal opinion. I'm speaking for him. He might

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Speaker 1: say something else, but and he had his own things

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Speaker 1: when it comes to dating that are not my things

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Speaker 1: to share or tell. But I was one of his

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Speaker 1: few people that he went out with from dating napps,

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Speaker 1: where I went on so many dates I couldn't can't

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Speaker 1: even count them all. He didn't have that dating apps

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Speaker 1: the time that he downloaded them that long before he

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Speaker 1: met me. And I think that that comes down to luck.

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Speaker 1: And the only reason I'm sharing that part is because

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Speaker 1: you'll hear stories of like, oh, that was the first

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Speaker 1: person they ever met for my dating nap and then

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Speaker 1: now they're getting married, and and that I think is awesome.

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Speaker 1: But I think that's the intense exception. And I don't

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Speaker 1: think that those people necessarily like doing the dating apps, right,

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Speaker 1: I think that's luck. Like when it comes to that, like,

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Speaker 1: what are the odds, What are the odds that the

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Speaker 1: first person you end up meeting from a dating app

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Speaker 1: turns out to be like the human of your dreams?

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Speaker 1: The odds are very slim, So that's not in anybody's control.

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Speaker 1: And I think that's just like, oh, you kind of

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Speaker 1: like won the lottery, Like we are in control of

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Speaker 1: winning the lottery whenever we don't unless we cheat. But

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Speaker 1: I don't know how you would cheat on the lottery.

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Speaker 1: I'm sure there's a way, but I just want people

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Speaker 1: to know that that, like, sometimes the stuff comes down

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Speaker 1: to luck, and to be very careful when you're listening

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Speaker 1: to people and or you're asking for people, um for advice,

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Speaker 1: be careful with who you're listening to. Because if if

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Speaker 1: that was my experience of dating apps, that my first

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Speaker 1: date I found the person of my dreams, I don't

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Speaker 1: know that I'm going to be the best person to

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Speaker 1: talk about how to cope and how to stay motivated

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Speaker 1: while in that sphere, you know, it just just saying

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Speaker 1: not that they have no validity, but it might not

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Speaker 1: be the person you want to go to every time now. Also,

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Speaker 1: I think staying motivated and dating has to do way

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Speaker 1: more with how you view dating and relationships then being

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Speaker 1: able to actually withstand a large amount of frustration, disappointment, rejection,

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Speaker 1: and grief of any sort. I think those are important.

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Speaker 1: Those are all parts to this puzzle, but I think

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Speaker 1: that there's more to it. I think a bigger issue

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Speaker 1: is how I viewed dating and now how I view

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Speaker 1: being single and the meaning I put behind that. I

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Speaker 1: personally had to change the way I looked at how

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Speaker 1: I found satisfaction within my life. And in an episode

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Speaker 1: I did really early on in the podcast, and I

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Speaker 1: think this was maybe early. I'll find the episode and

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Speaker 1: i'll link it, But I did the episode with a

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Speaker 1: guy named Jamie Twrkowski, and we talked about dating and

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Speaker 1: relationships and loneliness, and he said something that's really stuck

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Speaker 1: with me, and he said, I am at a place

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Speaker 1: in my life where life is still worth living even

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Speaker 1: if I'm not in love. And I just thought that

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Speaker 1: that was really profound, because what he is saying is

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Speaker 1: I have found a place in life where there is

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Speaker 1: more to life than just finding a romantic love. And

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Speaker 1: we don't see that a lot. A lot of the

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Speaker 1: content we digest, whether it's movies or social media or

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Speaker 1: stories or any of that kind of stuff, the center

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Speaker 1: of it is finding love, being in love, crimes of love. Like,

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Speaker 1: there's a lot of love, romantic love, and all of

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Speaker 1: the content we're consuming, and so there's the story that's created,

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Speaker 1: whether it's unconscious or not. I think it is unconscious

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Speaker 1: around life's goal. Life's mission for all of us must

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Speaker 1: be defined this great love, and that love is then

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Speaker 1: going to spearhead us into a great life and a

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Speaker 1: great story and a f a filling life and a

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Speaker 1: f a filling story. And while that can be true,

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Speaker 1: I think that's not always true. There are a lot

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Speaker 1: of ways you can live as satisfying life and a

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Speaker 1: really fulfilling life that isn't surrounded with a great romantic love.

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Speaker 1: But we don't talk about those stories as much. We

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Speaker 1: don't treat those stories and those experiences with the same

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Speaker 1: kind of wait at all. It's almost like a consolation prize.

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Speaker 1: She never got married, but she had this successful career,

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Speaker 1: or oh she never got married, but look at all

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Speaker 1: that she experienced, or he never got married, but look

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Speaker 1: what he did with X y Z. It's it's a

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Speaker 1: butt And I don't think that that button needs to

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Speaker 1: be there. It needs to be look at her life

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Speaker 1: and look at what she did. We don't need to

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Speaker 1: talk about what she didn't do to make sense of

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Speaker 1: what she did do. That feels a little strange to me,

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Speaker 1: although it feels really familiar at the same time, and

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Speaker 1: I say all this because I think the amount of

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Speaker 1: importance we put in our love life when it comes

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Speaker 1: to living this happy and fulfilled life, is what exhausts us.

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Speaker 1: If our communities were balanced, this would feel much different.

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Speaker 1: If we had fulfilling friendships. This would feel a little

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Speaker 1: different if we had fulfilling projects or things that brought

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Speaker 1: us joy and we focused on those and we made

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Speaker 1: those important as important if we put them on an

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Speaker 1: even scale, I think it would change how we date,

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Speaker 1: and it would change how not experiencing the outcome of

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Speaker 1: dating that we desire weighs on us, and it brings

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Speaker 1: in a bigger question of like is this really what

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Speaker 1: we're desiring or is this what we're programmed to desire?

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Speaker 1: And I don't know if that's really the most important

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Speaker 1: question to ask, because whether or not it's it is

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Speaker 1: what we are desiring. But I think what I want

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Speaker 1: to put into your heads is there's another option out there.

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Speaker 1: It might not be what you want right now, but

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Speaker 1: if you start focusing on other things, things can shift,

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Speaker 1: And that's in every aspect of life. If we focus

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Speaker 1: on one thing, like it's the Holy Grail, we're going

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Speaker 1: to continue to like build that story on our head

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Speaker 1: and it's gonna become bigger and deeper and stronger. But

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Speaker 1: if we start to build another idea and I had

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Speaker 1: that idea, will also become bigger and deeper and stronger.

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Speaker 1: So it's about creating more ideas in our head. There's

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Speaker 1: more than one way to live a fulfilling life than

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Speaker 1: what we have been fed. Now. What is funny about

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Speaker 1: the timing of this specific episode is that I had

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Speaker 1: a client send me an article from The New York

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Speaker 1: Times today, and the article is about dating apps. The

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Speaker 1: title was a decade of Fruitless searching the toll of

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Speaker 1: Dating app Burnout, and it was written by Katherine Pearson,

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Speaker 1: which is somebody that I feel like I have read

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Speaker 1: from before on here. Um. This article actually came out

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Speaker 1: on September. I want to read a little excerpt from

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Speaker 1: it because it kind of feeds into the last part

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Speaker 1: of what I want to talk about. And so this

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Speaker 1: is straight from that article. I'm just quoting it. It

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Speaker 1: said Tinder turns ten in September, prompting a moment of

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Speaker 1: collective reflection about how apps haven't reshaped not just dating culture,

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Speaker 1: but also the emotional lives of longtime users. Many perennial

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Speaker 1: users say years of swiping and searching have left them

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Speaker 1: with a bad case of burnout, a non clinical buzzword

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Speaker 1: borrowed from the workplace psychology has been extended to topics

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Speaker 1: including parenting and zoom. As an article in The New

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Speaker 1: York Times noted recently, people in the throes of burnout

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Speaker 1: tend to feel depleted and cynical. For some, the only

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Speaker 1: real option is to quit the dating apps cold turkey.

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Speaker 1: For others, it's about finding smaller ways to set boundaries.

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Speaker 1: People just get fatigued. They get overwhelmed with the whole

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Speaker 1: dating process, says Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who is

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Speaker 1: a Senior rees Rich Fellow with the Kinsey Institute and

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Speaker 1: chief Science advisor to match dot Com. After a decade

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Speaker 1: of fruitless searching, I started to ask myself, what has

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Speaker 1: all of that time, all of that effort, all of

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Speaker 1: that money actually given me, said shawnny Silver, a podcaster

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Speaker 1: and author of a Single Revolution, whose work focuses on

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Speaker 1: changing negative societal narratives about being single. When you are

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Speaker 1: constantly disappointed by a space that was sold to you

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Speaker 1: as a path to love over and over again. For

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Speaker 1: many of us, for years at a time, you never

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Speaker 1: really stopped to ask yourself, what is this thing doing

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Speaker 1: to my mental health? What is this thing doing to

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Speaker 1: my well being? Miss Silver said. In the end, she

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Speaker 1: decided that dating naps had taken her time, money, and

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Speaker 1: energy while giving her nothing in return. So on January nineteen,

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Speaker 1: Miss Silver deleted her apps Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge, a

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Speaker 1: decisions she has described as a kind of epiphany that

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Speaker 1: was the culmination of a decade of misery. The improvement

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Speaker 1: in her mood and energy levels was swift and profound.

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Speaker 1: Before she deleted the apps, she spent any moment of

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Speaker 1: downtime swiping. After she found she had time throughout the

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Speaker 1: day to rest, she realized she had been feeling anger

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Speaker 1: and resentment towards the happiness of others and emotionally, mentally

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Speaker 1: and physically drained by existing in a state of constant anticipation.

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Speaker 1: Imagine anticipating and receiving something good for years. Miss Silver

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Speaker 1: said existing in that state of any day now for

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Speaker 1: an extremely extended period of time is incredibly unhealthy. But

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Speaker 1: Dr Turbin believes that for some simply deleting the apps

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Speaker 1: is not enough. It's important to understand why the apps

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Speaker 1: are causing problems for you, he said, adding that therapists

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Speaker 1: can be helpful for sorting these answers out. Are you

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Speaker 1: using the apps to self soothe anxiety and inadvertently making

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Speaker 1: your anxiety worse. Are you're afraid you can't attain love,

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Speaker 1: so you're settling for hookups and that makes you unhappy?

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Speaker 1: And that's the end of um the expert. If you

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Speaker 1: want to read it, I'll link the whole article so

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Speaker 1: you guys can read the whole thing. And I'm reading

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Speaker 1: this because there's some truth in this article. But what

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Speaker 1: I see a lot of times is a lot of

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Speaker 1: people wanting someone or something to blame, because if I

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Speaker 1: have something to blame, then like maybe that makes it

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Speaker 1: easier for me to do something about it, or that

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Speaker 1: makes it easier for me to not have to do

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Speaker 1: something about it. And whether it's we want to blame

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Speaker 1: the apps, we want to blame men, or we just

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Speaker 1: want to blame people in general for why dating so hard.

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Speaker 1: I'm starting to think that we have started the wrong

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Speaker 1: kinds of conversations, or maybe it's just that we need

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Speaker 1: to start a new kind of conversation. If the problem

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Speaker 1: is men, how are we becoming aids to that problem.

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Speaker 1: Like we have to look at ourselves as well. How

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Speaker 1: might we be be perpetuating that problem? Are we just

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Speaker 1: complaining about men? Are we trying to be part of

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Speaker 1: a solution? And I will say I want to recommend

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Speaker 1: the podcast Man Enough and the book Man Enough when

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Speaker 1: it comes to all things masculinity, and whether we are

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Speaker 1: calling it toxic or not, that book in that podcast

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Speaker 1: is really actually creating a change for something that we

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Speaker 1: have been silently complaining about or loudly complaining about for years.

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Speaker 1: But my point is we spend more time complaining than

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Speaker 1: we spend responding to issues in general. And while filing

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Speaker 1: a complaint is very important, it's a very important part

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Speaker 1: of the process. We can't always sit around and wait

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Speaker 1: for management, for example, to fix all our issues, because well,

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Speaker 1: we are actually part of the solution. When it comes

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Speaker 1: to dating and when it comes to our dating lives,

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Speaker 1: and when it becomes to how we are going about dating,

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Speaker 1: how we are viewing dating. The truth is dating has changed.

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Speaker 1: We are not moving backwards. We are going to be

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Speaker 1: continuing to move forward. And if I had to guess,

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Speaker 1: there's going to be more advanced dating apps there's that's

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Speaker 1: going to continue to grow and continue to be popular.

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Speaker 1: Those aren't necessarily going to go away. So instead of

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Speaker 1: sitting in a space where we wish we could go

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Speaker 1: back in time but we can't, what would happen if

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Speaker 1: we responded to what is happening now and we created

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Speaker 1: ways for dating apps to work for us instead of

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Speaker 1: us work for them, or instead of us just being

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Speaker 1: like a pawn of their existence. And how we might

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Speaker 1: do that. We might work on coping skills to help

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Speaker 1: respond to rejection. We might work on coping skills in

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Speaker 1: order to not take ghosting personally. We might work on

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Speaker 1: how to learn that often compatibility is the issue, not

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Speaker 1: you not being enough for them not being enough for

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Speaker 1: you being too much. Um. We can practice our risk

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Speaker 1: taking skills and learn to be more uncomfortable in social

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Speaker 1: situations instead of just reclining to just staying on these

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Speaker 1: apps in our homes. We can use them when they

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Speaker 1: are helpful, and we cannot use them when they are

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Speaker 1: becoming issues. We have a lot of control. But I

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Speaker 1: think one of the issues that I see, much like

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Speaker 1: I talked about in my conversation last year that I

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Speaker 1: recently reposted with Nibihad about Instagram. We have a lot

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Speaker 1: of the power, but we are not realizing that. And

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Speaker 1: for example, people often complain that the people they meet

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Speaker 1: on these apps just want to talk in the app

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Speaker 1: and they just want to text, and they find themselves

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Speaker 1: in these pen pal situations for weeks or months, and well,

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Speaker 1: we're part of that conversation, and we have power and

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Speaker 1: being part of that conversation or not, so we have

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Speaker 1: the ability to create boundaries. Maybe we don't allow that

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Speaker 1: to happen by saying, hey, I don't want to stay

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Speaker 1: on this app, like let's plan a time to meet.

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Speaker 1: And if that person is like yeah, sure, and then

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Speaker 1: they don't actually plan a time to meet, or then

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Speaker 1: they blow you off, or then they ghost to you

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Speaker 1: or something like that happens, or then they keep trying

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Speaker 1: to just talk on the app. That's giving us information

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Speaker 1: and we get to actually have power on what we

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Speaker 1: do with that. We can say, Okay, this person is

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Speaker 1: not looking for what I'm looking for, and so I'm

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Speaker 1: not going to be a part of what they're looking

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Speaker 1: for because it's not compatible with me. Or we can say, oh,

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Speaker 1: I'll just keep talking to this person because it's feeling

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Speaker 1: some some need or some void I have, and we

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Speaker 1: can take ownership of that. So in all of this,

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Speaker 1: I think why I wanted to read that part of

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Speaker 1: that article is because I think a hundre present there

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Speaker 1: is some truth to how this can create some fatigue,

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Speaker 1: it can create some burnout, it can create um, some sadness,

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Speaker 1: and we get to choose if we're going to continue

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Speaker 1: and continue and continue to engage in the same behavior

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Speaker 1: pattern even though these patterns aren't working, or we get

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Speaker 1: to make a little bit of a turn or a

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Speaker 1: change that doesn't have to be delete the app. I'm done.

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Speaker 1: These things are trash. It can be I am somebody

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Speaker 1: who believes you get to choose if you want to

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Speaker 1: be on dating apps or not. It's not the only

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Speaker 1: way to meet people at all. There are definitely pros

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Speaker 1: and cons to it. But also I can look at

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Speaker 1: the nuances into how I'm interacting on these apps. I

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Speaker 1: can look at the nuances and and what kind of

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Speaker 1: persona am I putting out there? What behaviors am I

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Speaker 1: continuing to accept? Am I continuing to engage in conversations

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Speaker 1: with people who are immediately sexualizing me or sexualizing the conversation,

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Speaker 1: or am I cutting those off that can be a

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Speaker 1: little bit of a turn. Okay, So I'm no longer

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Speaker 1: going to engage in conversations um where people bring up

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Speaker 1: sex in before I even meet them. Okay, that makes sense,

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00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:08,640
Speaker 1: and that might change how you're receiving prospects or engage

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Speaker 1: in the types of prospects you're spending time on. And

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Speaker 1: I think that's really important because what I want everybody

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Speaker 1: to know is we all are looking at the same

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Speaker 1: pool of people out there, but it's what pool of

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Speaker 1: people am I continuing to give attention to that's really important,

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Speaker 1: and we are in charge of that to an extent.

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Speaker 1: I mean, it has to be mutual um and I

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Speaker 1: think that that is another issue. But we're all in

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Speaker 1: this essentially together. And that's why I think the first

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Speaker 1: part for me saying like dating was really hard for

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Speaker 1: me on these apps. It wasn't usually a lot of fun,

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Speaker 1: although I did find fun in it, and that's what

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Speaker 1: really helped me stay in it. Of I found fun

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Speaker 1: in it, and I also found that, like, my life

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Speaker 1: can be really fruitful despite me having a significant other

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Speaker 1: at any moment in time. And so that's what I

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Speaker 1: would encourage you for the person that wrote this email,

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Speaker 1: and for any boy else who's struggling with that is,

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Speaker 1: I really want you to look at the way that

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Speaker 1: you are comparing your dating experience to other people's dating experiences,

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Speaker 1: and now that you're comparing an inside to an outside

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Speaker 1: a lot of times. Now that I'm in control of

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Speaker 1: what I make of certain situations in the meaning I

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Speaker 1: put behind things, and I am in control of the

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Speaker 1: way I view dating in my story and and how

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Speaker 1: I view other parts of my life and the effort

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00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,639
Speaker 1: I'm putting into those other parts of my life. I

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00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:32,520
Speaker 1: think a lot of people are like, well, I don't

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00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:35,240
Speaker 1: have anything else? Okay, was it because you're putting all

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00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:37,959
Speaker 1: of your energy and dating. What if we put some

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00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:40,560
Speaker 1: energy and something else too, Like we don't have to

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00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:43,520
Speaker 1: put all our eggs in one basket, because life is

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00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:45,879
Speaker 1: made up of a lot of things, a lot of options,

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00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:49,040
Speaker 1: and um our lives can be multifaceted. They aren't just

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00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:52,600
Speaker 1: supposed to be directed towards this one great love that

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00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:54,639
Speaker 1: will then be the end all, be all of your life.

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00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:57,320
Speaker 1: That's what we see in movies, that's what we see

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00:22:57,359 --> 00:22:59,880
Speaker 1: in romance novels. But I don't necessarily think that has

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00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:03,080
Speaker 1: to be that way, So we're in charge of that

448
00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:06,040
Speaker 1: and how how we view dating as um a pillar

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00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:09,320
Speaker 1: in our life. And then we're also really in control

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00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:13,200
Speaker 1: of the boundaries and how we engage in these apps.

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00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:17,080
Speaker 1: We don't have to follow every tip that every dating

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00:23:17,119 --> 00:23:19,200
Speaker 1: expert puts out there. We don't have to put all

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00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:22,280
Speaker 1: our energy into everything. We don't have to have a

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00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:24,800
Speaker 1: conversation with every person that wants to have a conversation

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00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:27,160
Speaker 1: with us. We don't have to see out every prospect.

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00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:29,400
Speaker 1: We can be picky. We can create our own way

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00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:31,919
Speaker 1: of doing things based on what we're looking for and

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00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:35,280
Speaker 1: what we've experienced in our past. And I do believe

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00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:39,240
Speaker 1: a therapist can help you look at those questions that

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00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:43,000
Speaker 1: the person in this article was noting, And I'm going

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00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:44,760
Speaker 1: to read that part of gangs. I think it was important.

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00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:47,720
Speaker 1: It's important to understand why the apps are causing problems

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00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:50,680
Speaker 1: for you. Are you using the apps to self soothe

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00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:54,800
Speaker 1: anxiety and making it's making your anxiety worse. Are you

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00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:57,400
Speaker 1: afraid you can't attain love so you're settling for hookups

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00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:00,720
Speaker 1: and and that's making you unhappy. Like, really digging into

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00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:02,280
Speaker 1: some of that can be really helpful on how you

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00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:05,000
Speaker 1: approach the apps. So, like I said, I knew this

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00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:06,840
Speaker 1: was gonna be a long winded episode, so I'm going

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00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:08,919
Speaker 1: to wrap it up, and I guess maybe we need

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00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:11,760
Speaker 1: to make this another full on Monday episode and hopefully

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00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:13,639
Speaker 1: very soon we will be able to do that. Um,

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00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:15,959
Speaker 1: But in the meantime, I really want to just like

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00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:18,920
Speaker 1: put it out there that it's tough. For the most part,

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00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:21,440
Speaker 1: it's not easy in this day and age, like dating

476
00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:25,359
Speaker 1: has become difficult, and that's okay. We can find some

477
00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:28,399
Speaker 1: sweet spots in there as well, and what we focus on,

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00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:30,760
Speaker 1: we will find. So I do want to put that

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00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:32,840
Speaker 1: out there as well. What you focus on, you will

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00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:36,520
Speaker 1: find in whatever aspect of your life you're chrudging through

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00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:40,320
Speaker 1: or walking through or skipping through. And so yeah, I

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00:24:40,359 --> 00:24:42,359
Speaker 1: gotta stop because I'm gonna start rambling, and this is

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00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:45,159
Speaker 1: going to be an hour long. But thank you for

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00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:47,360
Speaker 1: your question, And if you guys have any other questions,

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00:24:47,359 --> 00:24:49,280
Speaker 1: feel free to send them to Catherine at you Need

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00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:52,439
Speaker 1: Therapy podcast dot com. I love getting your emails, I

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00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:54,520
Speaker 1: love getting your questions, and I appreciate the people that

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00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:57,400
Speaker 1: I've given some recent feedback on the podcast. I am

489
00:24:57,440 --> 00:25:00,720
Speaker 1: definitely taking it into account and may caen some changes

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00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:02,920
Speaker 1: where changes need to be made. If you want to

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00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:05,920
Speaker 1: follow me, you can follow me on Instagram, at at

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00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:10,200
Speaker 1: cat dot de Fatah and at UNI Therapy podcast. Bye guys,