WEBVTT - Can Stress Be Helpful? 0:00:14.916 --> 0:00:34.276 Pushkin. Our dominant model and narrative is that we should deny, reduce, 0:00:34.356 --> 0:00:38.476 and avoid stress, and that is not always the case. 0:00:38.716 --> 0:00:41.996 Every single person I know can tell of the time 0:00:42.276 --> 0:00:47.316 where their stress helps them. That's Medube Akinola, a professor 0:00:47.356 --> 0:00:50.636 at the Columbia Business School and an expert on stress. 0:00:51.516 --> 0:00:53.756 Medube is on a mission to change how we think 0:00:53.796 --> 0:00:56.956 about short term stress, the kind we feel when we're 0:00:56.996 --> 0:01:00.156 preparing for a big presentation at work or before a 0:01:00.156 --> 0:01:03.836 difficult conversation with a friend. She says, we can reframe 0:01:03.876 --> 0:01:07.556 our stress as something that actually helps us. It's often 0:01:07.636 --> 0:01:10.636 your mindset about stress that can influence the extent to 0:01:10.676 --> 0:01:15.076 which it can have harmful or helpful effects. So when 0:01:15.156 --> 0:01:18.796 we have more of a stress's enhancing mindset that leads 0:01:18.836 --> 0:01:26.476 to better outcomes. On today's show, What Science teaches Us 0:01:26.516 --> 0:01:32.876 about the Upside of Stress, I'm maya shunker and this 0:01:32.956 --> 0:01:35.516 is a slight change of plans, a show about who 0:01:35.556 --> 0:01:37.836 we are and who we become in the face of 0:01:37.876 --> 0:01:52.196 a big change. It's easy for us to see stress 0:01:52.236 --> 0:01:55.876 as the enemy. In a stressful situation, our heart races, 0:01:56.116 --> 0:01:59.636 our blood pressure rises, our breathing quickens, and this can 0:01:59.716 --> 0:02:02.996 all feel pretty uncomfortable. If we could wave a magic 0:02:03.076 --> 0:02:05.996 wand that would eliminate all future stress from our lives, 0:02:06.436 --> 0:02:09.676 many of us would wave that wand to do. Pay 0:02:09.716 --> 0:02:11.876 believes that if we can make a small shift in 0:02:11.916 --> 0:02:16.396 our mindset, stress can actually be a powerful asset. So 0:02:17.036 --> 0:02:19.676 can you start off by sharing what it is that 0:02:19.716 --> 0:02:23.796 got you interested in studying stress in the first place. Basically, 0:02:24.076 --> 0:02:27.756 I grew up as a child of immigrants, and anyone 0:02:27.796 --> 0:02:30.716 who is a child of immigrants knows that there is 0:02:30.876 --> 0:02:34.356 just stress involved in that experience. The stress of moving 0:02:34.356 --> 0:02:38.076 to a new country, the stress of having kids, raising 0:02:38.156 --> 0:02:41.076 kids in a new environment, the stress of being far 0:02:41.156 --> 0:02:44.556 away from your family if you've come from a developing country, 0:02:44.716 --> 0:02:48.316 being able to support your family while also trying to 0:02:48.316 --> 0:02:51.156 help your kids learn a new language. Here, all of that, 0:02:51.756 --> 0:02:55.716 and so I realized later on in life that I 0:02:55.756 --> 0:02:58.836 had absorbed a lot of that stress. Heck, to this day, 0:02:58.876 --> 0:03:01.916 I still watch my parents stress and have to say 0:03:01.956 --> 0:03:06.156 to myself, wait a minute, pause, do all the things 0:03:06.196 --> 0:03:08.916 that I advise other people to do. So that is 0:03:08.956 --> 0:03:12.156 a piece of why I study stress. But also one 0:03:12.196 --> 0:03:13.916 of the things I love about my parents was that 0:03:13.996 --> 0:03:17.676 they were very education focused and so the stress of 0:03:17.956 --> 0:03:20.476 doing well in school, not even just the pressure that 0:03:20.476 --> 0:03:22.636 they put on us. They didn't put much pressure on us. 0:03:22.636 --> 0:03:24.756 They just sent us to one of the best private 0:03:24.756 --> 0:03:28.356 schools possible and said, you know, you do you. But 0:03:28.636 --> 0:03:31.596 in that process that meant that I experienced the stress 0:03:31.596 --> 0:03:35.796 of being one of few black people in every classroom 0:03:35.916 --> 0:03:39.516 I was in. So then there's a stress of adjusting 0:03:39.556 --> 0:03:42.396 and adapting to environments where you are the only where 0:03:42.436 --> 0:03:46.196 you're different. So all of those things combined led to 0:03:46.236 --> 0:03:51.236 me eventually studying stress. Yeah, there's this charming story in 0:03:51.236 --> 0:03:54.036 the Dufe about your high school yearbook and the fact 0:03:54.036 --> 0:03:56.116 that clearly you weren't the only one thinking that you 0:03:56.116 --> 0:04:00.116 were stressed out. Can you tell us a bit about that. Yes, So, 0:04:00.276 --> 0:04:02.996 you know, in high school usually you have a yearbook, 0:04:03.116 --> 0:04:06.276 and in our yearbook there are roasts. In those roasts, 0:04:06.396 --> 0:04:09.636 it highlights who you think you are and who you 0:04:09.676 --> 0:04:14.516 actually are. And my dream was that I was best dressed, 0:04:14.956 --> 0:04:17.276 is what they said. But my reality was that I 0:04:17.356 --> 0:04:21.876 was the most stressed. So even senior year, you know, 0:04:22.396 --> 0:04:25.436 even senior year, they saw that in me, and I 0:04:25.476 --> 0:04:28.636 saw it in myself. But the thing about it is 0:04:28.756 --> 0:04:30.796 there were so many ways in which that stress helped me. 0:04:30.876 --> 0:04:33.476 It challenged me, and it pushed me. So I kind 0:04:33.516 --> 0:04:36.876 of always felt like stress isn't always this terrible thing 0:04:37.356 --> 0:04:39.796 that we need to run away from and avoid and deny. 0:04:40.076 --> 0:04:43.476 Maybe it is helping us in some ways too. So 0:04:43.556 --> 0:04:45.156 let's start with the basics. If you can give us 0:04:45.196 --> 0:04:47.476 kind of the stress one oh one, how do you 0:04:47.636 --> 0:04:53.156 define stress? I feel like the simplest definition is when 0:04:53.196 --> 0:04:57.196 the demands of a situation exceed your resources to cope. 0:04:57.836 --> 0:04:59.516 But you have to then take it a step further 0:04:59.556 --> 0:05:02.916 and say, well, what are demands? And often demands are 0:05:03.636 --> 0:05:06.556 there's some type of danger in the situation, there's some 0:05:06.596 --> 0:05:09.436 type of uncertainty. You need to exert a bit of 0:05:09.516 --> 0:05:13.916 extra effort in this situation. Then when you think about resources, well, 0:05:13.956 --> 0:05:17.716 what helps us overcome danger, uncertainty, extra effort we need 0:05:17.796 --> 0:05:20.476 to put into something. Well, when we have the knowledge 0:05:20.476 --> 0:05:24.956 and the abilities to tackle that thing, when our personalities, 0:05:24.996 --> 0:05:28.796 our dispositions can be helpful in tackling that thing, and 0:05:28.876 --> 0:05:31.876 also when we have externals aboard other people cheering us on, 0:05:31.956 --> 0:05:36.076 other people teaching us, that's when we have more resources. Yeah, 0:05:36.116 --> 0:05:39.036 what's interesting about this definition is that when it comes 0:05:39.036 --> 0:05:43.716 to stress, it's really about our subjective assessment that we 0:05:43.796 --> 0:05:46.196 have the resources to cope. So it might not be 0:05:46.516 --> 0:05:49.956 the objective resources. In fact, I might have the mental 0:05:49.996 --> 0:05:52.436 and physical resources to cope with the situation, but if 0:05:52.436 --> 0:05:55.996 my self perception is that I don't have those resources now, 0:05:56.036 --> 0:05:58.716 all of a sudden, it is a stressful situation. Yeah, 0:05:58.756 --> 0:06:01.756 so I would almost reframe the definition as feeling like 0:06:01.876 --> 0:06:05.356 the demands of the situation exceed your resources to cope. 0:06:05.436 --> 0:06:07.636 Is that right? Yeah? A lot of it is our 0:06:07.676 --> 0:06:10.796 subjective assessment of it, which is a piece of why 0:06:10.956 --> 0:06:13.956 I tell people don't say like, don't be stressed, that 0:06:14.036 --> 0:06:17.396 shouldn't stress you out, because it doesn't matter. Subjectively, I 0:06:17.436 --> 0:06:20.556 am feeling stressed. So that's what needs to be taken 0:06:20.596 --> 0:06:26.076 into consideration, my subjective experience of it. On a physiological level, 0:06:26.156 --> 0:06:28.436 can you tell us what happens to us when we 0:06:28.516 --> 0:06:34.236 experience stress? So when we experience stress, our sympathetic nervous 0:06:34.276 --> 0:06:37.876 system gets activated. It's that part of our body that 0:06:37.996 --> 0:06:40.756 tells us do you need to fight or do you 0:06:40.796 --> 0:06:44.956 need to flee this situation? And when that happens, we 0:06:45.076 --> 0:06:50.236 get adrenaline, we get dopamine, we get cortisol, all of 0:06:50.276 --> 0:06:55.116 the resources we need physiologically to move to act, to 0:06:55.156 --> 0:06:58.316 do what we need to do. This process is a 0:06:58.396 --> 0:07:00.996 very adaptive one, so that when you're done with the 0:07:00.996 --> 0:07:04.196 stressor ideally your body wants to go back to its 0:07:04.236 --> 0:07:08.756 resting state, where those hormones decrease, that adrenaline decreased, you 0:07:08.836 --> 0:07:11.836 get back to resting and relaxing and all that. That 0:07:11.956 --> 0:07:17.716 is a normal physiological response to an acute stressor. Yeah, 0:07:17.756 --> 0:07:20.276 I love you're sharing that, because stress obviously gets a 0:07:20.316 --> 0:07:23.676 really bad rep but it's not just this random bad 0:07:23.676 --> 0:07:26.636 thing that our body's experience. It exists in part because 0:07:26.996 --> 0:07:30.516 it is highly adaptive and there are many situations in 0:07:30.556 --> 0:07:33.796 which an active stress response helps us do what needs 0:07:33.836 --> 0:07:38.396 to be done. Right, So, in other words, you mentioned cortisol, dopamine, adrenaline, 0:07:38.756 --> 0:07:43.316 How do those translate into increased performance increased acuity? Just 0:07:43.396 --> 0:07:47.316 help me build that bridge. So essentially, your body is 0:07:47.356 --> 0:07:50.916 being taxed and your heart rate is increasing because again 0:07:50.956 --> 0:07:54.556 you're getting ready. That cortisol is giving you the energy 0:07:54.676 --> 0:07:57.996 that you need to be attentive, to be focused to 0:07:58.036 --> 0:08:01.676 approach the situation, and when you have increased cortisol, you 0:08:01.756 --> 0:08:04.796 are attentive to threats often in a good way. You're 0:08:04.836 --> 0:08:08.156 like waiting for what's happening. You're able to remember things 0:08:08.156 --> 0:08:11.196 in a different way, and so we need to remember 0:08:11.676 --> 0:08:16.316 when our bodies are acting. It's telling us you've got this, now, 0:08:16.396 --> 0:08:19.436 let's use this. But one of the problems is when 0:08:20.156 --> 0:08:24.796 we can be overactivated and too attentive to threat and 0:08:25.116 --> 0:08:28.356 those levels of the dopamine. The court is all the adrenaline, 0:08:28.396 --> 0:08:32.716 all that are staying elevated kind of chronically, and that 0:08:32.876 --> 0:08:36.476 is what leads to disease and all of these problems 0:08:36.476 --> 0:08:39.516 that we want to avoid physiologically. So that's kind of 0:08:39.516 --> 0:08:42.436 the stress cycle. Okay, so now you've given us the 0:08:42.516 --> 0:08:44.996 lay of the land on the basics of stress. Yes, 0:08:45.436 --> 0:08:49.876 one fascinating thing your research focuses on is that how 0:08:49.876 --> 0:08:52.916 we think about our own stress, our mindset, and our 0:08:52.956 --> 0:08:57.076 attitude towards stress can actually change its impact on us. Yes, 0:08:57.276 --> 0:08:59.796 can you first walk us through the two types of 0:08:59.836 --> 0:09:02.836 mindsets that we can have towards stress. So the two 0:09:02.876 --> 0:09:06.396 types of mindsets are a mindset that stress is enhancing. 0:09:07.156 --> 0:09:09.916 It can help us in terms of our perform ours, 0:09:09.956 --> 0:09:14.196 our growth, our learning. The second piece is that stress 0:09:14.236 --> 0:09:17.476 is debilitating. It harms us in terms of our health 0:09:17.516 --> 0:09:20.716 and vitality and our performance and our growth and our learning. 0:09:21.556 --> 0:09:25.516 And it's often your mindset about stress that can influence 0:09:25.516 --> 0:09:28.916 the extent to which it can have harmful or helpful effects. 0:09:29.356 --> 0:09:32.436 So when we have more of a stress is enhancing 0:09:32.516 --> 0:09:37.676 mindset that leads to better outcomes. I love this research. 0:09:37.876 --> 0:09:40.036 I'm wondering if you can give me a couple of 0:09:40.076 --> 0:09:44.636 examples of how introducing this mindset shift was actually able 0:09:44.676 --> 0:09:48.116 to help performance in different contexts. So in one study, 0:09:48.716 --> 0:09:52.596 we had people just watch a video showing the many 0:09:52.636 --> 0:09:55.476 ways in which stress can be enhancing. You can imagine 0:09:55.516 --> 0:09:58.516 things like that stressful moment in a soccer game and 0:09:58.596 --> 0:10:01.516 somebody makes the goal. We can each think of times 0:10:01.516 --> 0:10:03.876 when we have risen to the occasion. When we show 0:10:03.876 --> 0:10:06.996 people these videos and then have them engage in a 0:10:07.036 --> 0:10:10.876 creative task, we find the they're more creative. We find 0:10:10.916 --> 0:10:13.316 that they are more attentive to positive things in the 0:10:13.436 --> 0:10:17.756 environment versus negative things in the environment. On the flip side, 0:10:18.076 --> 0:10:20.836 tell people or show them videos of when stress can 0:10:20.836 --> 0:10:25.076 be debilitating and see the opposite, they're less creative and 0:10:25.156 --> 0:10:30.276 also generally more negative mood, more attentive to threats. So 0:10:30.316 --> 0:10:32.916 that's some of the research we've done. Yeah, and I 0:10:32.956 --> 0:10:34.876 know that you work at a business school and you 0:10:34.916 --> 0:10:38.956 often think about psychology as it applies to organizational behavior, 0:10:39.356 --> 0:10:43.356 and you did some similar research when it comes to negotiators. Yes, 0:10:43.476 --> 0:10:48.116 so often people are very stressed in the context of negotiation. 0:10:48.676 --> 0:10:52.836 So in this research, we basically just told people that, 0:10:52.916 --> 0:10:56.316 you know, a little bit of stress before negotiations is 0:10:56.356 --> 0:10:59.956 actually okay. So we had half the people we told that, 0:11:00.036 --> 0:11:03.036 the other half we didn't tell anything prior to negotiation, 0:11:03.516 --> 0:11:08.676 and we found that for women who experienced cortisol increases 0:11:08.676 --> 0:11:13.156 in the negotiations, So physiologically they were stressed. However, they 0:11:13.156 --> 0:11:15.036 were told a little bit of stress is okay in 0:11:15.036 --> 0:11:20.596 the negotiation, they outperform those who were told nothing about 0:11:20.716 --> 0:11:25.436 stress being helpful for negotiations. So there's something about knowing 0:11:25.476 --> 0:11:28.716 that this is actually an okay thing, that when your 0:11:28.716 --> 0:11:33.716 body is having this response, that can lead to beneficial outcomes. Yeah. 0:11:33.756 --> 0:11:36.876 And one of the most fascinating insights is that our 0:11:36.956 --> 0:11:40.436 underlying physiology can change when we adopt a stress as 0:11:40.516 --> 0:11:43.756 enhancing mindset. So it's not just that I think more 0:11:43.796 --> 0:11:47.356 positive thoughts, it actually can affect our physiological response to 0:11:47.436 --> 0:11:51.476 stress at this underlying level. I think that that's absolutely 0:11:51.556 --> 0:11:54.396 right that when you have an enhancing mindset, it can 0:11:54.476 --> 0:11:58.316 affect your body's response to stress. There has been research 0:11:58.396 --> 0:12:02.476 showing that the walls of your blood vessels, rather than constricting, 0:12:02.876 --> 0:12:06.676 they're more likely to dilate with a stress's enhancing mindset. 0:12:07.076 --> 0:12:09.996 And the importance of the mind body cannet is something 0:12:10.036 --> 0:12:12.916 I think we often forget. And you know, our dominant 0:12:12.956 --> 0:12:16.556 model and narrative is that we should deny, reduce, and 0:12:16.636 --> 0:12:21.556 avoid stress, and that is not always the case. Every 0:12:21.556 --> 0:12:25.036 single person I know can tell of the time where 0:12:25.116 --> 0:12:28.716 their stress helps them. So instead, and this research we 0:12:28.756 --> 0:12:31.276 talk a lot about how can you acknowledge your stress, 0:12:31.716 --> 0:12:34.276 welcome your stress, and use it in a way that 0:12:34.356 --> 0:12:37.876 will be beneficial because it is designed to help you. 0:12:38.316 --> 0:12:41.236 Now it's important to say, I'm not saying run towards stress, 0:12:41.316 --> 0:12:44.876 like you shouldn't like find more stressors. No, that's not 0:12:44.916 --> 0:12:48.156 what we're saying. We're saying it's not always a bad thing. 0:12:48.196 --> 0:12:51.756 It's actually designed to help you. Yeah, you talk about 0:12:51.956 --> 0:12:55.516 dating your stress. Yes, you know, slight change listeners were 0:12:55.516 --> 0:12:57.756 simply asking for a first date. Okay, you can decide 0:12:57.756 --> 0:12:59.316 if you want to do a second or a third, 0:12:59.356 --> 0:13:02.036 but just go on that first date. That's right. Get 0:13:02.036 --> 0:13:04.956 to know your stress a little better and be kind 0:13:05.036 --> 0:13:07.676 to it. Open the door for it, you know, let 0:13:07.716 --> 0:13:11.116 it in, welcome it, see how it feels. That's what 0:13:11.196 --> 0:13:14.476 we need to do a lot more of. After the break, 0:13:14.556 --> 0:13:16.956 we hear more from a Dube about the benefits of 0:13:16.956 --> 0:13:20.516 this mindset shift, and we talk about its limits. She 0:13:20.676 --> 0:13:23.716 shares her go to strategies for managing stress. When a 0:13:23.756 --> 0:13:30.316 simple reframe isn't enough, We'll be back in a moment 0:13:30.356 --> 0:13:45.596 with a slight change of plans. Are there situations where 0:13:45.636 --> 0:13:49.876 applying a stress as enhancing mindset doesn't make sense? Because 0:13:50.236 --> 0:13:52.556 I can see a situation where if we apply this 0:13:52.676 --> 0:13:57.276 mindset too liberally, we might end up tolerating certain stressful 0:13:57.276 --> 0:14:00.556 situations that we really should try and avoid. So, for example, 0:14:01.196 --> 0:14:04.356 a highly toxic relationship at work or in your personal life, 0:14:04.356 --> 0:14:07.156 that's a situation where you're kind of you really think, Okay, 0:14:07.196 --> 0:14:09.116 we need to change the situation. I need to get 0:14:09.116 --> 0:14:12.076 out of this situation, versus using a mindset shift in 0:14:12.156 --> 0:14:13.756 order to better adapt to it. So do you have 0:14:13.796 --> 0:14:17.796 thoughts on that? Yeah, I do think that our minds 0:14:17.836 --> 0:14:20.756 are so complicated and we will trick ourselves into believing 0:14:20.756 --> 0:14:22.876 a stressful situation is a good one when it's not. 0:14:23.436 --> 0:14:26.516 So that's when the idea. Remember I talked about demands resources. 0:14:26.716 --> 0:14:30.436 One resource is external support, your friends helping you and 0:14:30.596 --> 0:14:34.516 seeing when something is harmful versus helpful for you. Yeah, 0:14:34.516 --> 0:14:36.316 I think it's helpful to clarify that this is a 0:14:36.396 --> 0:14:39.276 mindset that's almost best to adopt when you're in situations 0:14:39.276 --> 0:14:42.316 where you can't avoid the stress. You can't control whether 0:14:42.316 --> 0:14:45.636 that situation exists or not, right, and so adopting a 0:14:45.676 --> 0:14:48.556 more positive mindset might be one of the few resources 0:14:48.556 --> 0:14:51.236 at hand. That's absolutely right. And the challenge with the 0:14:51.316 --> 0:14:54.796 dominant narrative about reducing or avoiding stress is that there 0:14:54.836 --> 0:14:58.476 are times where we cannot do that. You can't, it's 0:14:58.516 --> 0:15:02.996 not possible. So that's why it's important to understand how 0:15:03.036 --> 0:15:06.516 the stress it's you're experiencing or how your body's response 0:15:06.636 --> 0:15:10.196 can be helpful. Absolutely. I mean, so many people listening 0:15:10.236 --> 0:15:12.956 right now are thinking I don't have any control right 0:15:12.956 --> 0:15:16.276 now over the stressful situation. So the dupe thank you 0:15:16.316 --> 0:15:19.716 for giving us some other techniques. Yeah, Okay, let's say 0:15:19.756 --> 0:15:22.436 we've consulted with our resources, so our friends and our 0:15:22.436 --> 0:15:24.236 family and the people that we trust in our lives, 0:15:24.556 --> 0:15:27.996 and we've consulted with ourselves of course, and we've identified 0:15:28.116 --> 0:15:32.396 a situation in which having a stress as enhancing mindset 0:15:32.476 --> 0:15:34.996 is going to serve us well, how do we learn 0:15:35.076 --> 0:15:38.836 to cultivate this mindset? So a piece of this goes 0:15:38.836 --> 0:15:42.156 back to that, how do I think of my stress differently? 0:15:42.916 --> 0:15:46.156 When my heart is beating, I'm normally thinking to myself, 0:15:46.196 --> 0:15:49.116 this is bad. But if you can remind yourself that 0:15:49.196 --> 0:15:52.156 my heartbeating is telling me, like I'm excited about something, 0:15:52.196 --> 0:15:54.876 there's something here that I care about. This is something 0:15:54.876 --> 0:15:56.516 that I want to do well, and this is something 0:15:56.516 --> 0:15:59.236 that I can do well. And then that reframes that 0:15:59.356 --> 0:16:02.716 heartbeat not as a bad thing, but as your body 0:16:02.796 --> 0:16:05.676 preparing to act. There have been so many times in 0:16:05.716 --> 0:16:08.836 my life, whether when I was a child playing the violin, 0:16:08.956 --> 0:16:10.716 or whether it's going into an interviews for a slight 0:16:10.836 --> 0:16:13.956 change of plans, I get a little spooked if I'm 0:16:13.996 --> 0:16:16.196 not nervous, because that means maybe I don't care as 0:16:16.276 --> 0:16:18.036 much as I used to. And so I've actually I 0:16:18.156 --> 0:16:21.436 see stress as being a very affirming signal because it 0:16:21.516 --> 0:16:23.836 shows me that I really care about the outcome, and 0:16:23.876 --> 0:16:28.516 it justifies the unpleasantness of some of those feelings. And 0:16:28.596 --> 0:16:31.556 that's a beautiful way of approaching it. That we are 0:16:31.556 --> 0:16:35.796 typically stressed because there's an underlying reason why we care 0:16:35.916 --> 0:16:38.756 about the situation. And if we can continue to ask 0:16:38.796 --> 0:16:43.676 ourselves why why, then that puts a whole different lens 0:16:43.836 --> 0:16:47.996 around why you're stressed and changes your approach. Can you 0:16:48.036 --> 0:16:49.836 give me an example in the dubae from your own 0:16:49.836 --> 0:16:52.436 life in which you started asking yourself the series of 0:16:52.476 --> 0:16:54.676 why questions and it led you to a place where 0:16:54.996 --> 0:16:57.556 you're better able to embrace your stress or at least 0:16:57.596 --> 0:17:00.276 realize okay, good, at least it's serving some purpose. Yes, 0:17:01.116 --> 0:17:04.516 I'm a professor, so each semester I teach one hundred 0:17:04.516 --> 0:17:09.396 and forty plus students and the day before class would 0:17:09.396 --> 0:17:12.436 always feel very stressed. And here's the thing, it's not 0:17:12.436 --> 0:17:14.876 that I would also be stressed. I'd also be a jerk, 0:17:15.276 --> 0:17:17.916 you know, I'd be obnoxious to my loved ones, like 0:17:17.996 --> 0:17:20.436 just not a person that anyone wanted to be around. 0:17:20.916 --> 0:17:23.956 And in fact, I'd be happier when my significant outhers 0:17:23.956 --> 0:17:26.996 were traveling or whatever, because it's like I just wanted 0:17:26.996 --> 0:17:30.356 to be focused, and I had to ask say to myself, 0:17:30.396 --> 0:17:33.436 first of all, that's not sustainable over time. I'm a 0:17:33.436 --> 0:17:36.316 good teacher. Students like me, I've done this for years. 0:17:36.676 --> 0:17:38.516 So I had to say, Okay, well why do you 0:17:38.556 --> 0:17:42.796 have this reaction? Why are you stressed? And often it 0:17:42.876 --> 0:17:45.596 was like, I'm stressed because I don't want to do 0:17:45.636 --> 0:17:50.196 badly in the classroom. Why because I feel like what 0:17:50.236 --> 0:17:53.036 I have to share with students is really important. Why 0:17:53.276 --> 0:17:56.596 because I'm training future business leaders to be the most 0:17:56.636 --> 0:18:00.916 phenomenal leaders possible. Why Well, if I do that, well, 0:18:01.236 --> 0:18:05.276 then our organizations will be healthier and people will be 0:18:05.356 --> 0:18:08.596 happier in their workplaces. Well why does that matter? Because 0:18:08.596 --> 0:18:12.116 if people are happier and healthier in their workplaces, then 0:18:12.356 --> 0:18:14.236 we're going to be able to address some of the 0:18:14.276 --> 0:18:17.756 critical challenges in this world, the questions that need to 0:18:17.756 --> 0:18:20.476 be addressed, solve lots of the problems that need to 0:18:20.516 --> 0:18:24.116 be solved. And so when you get to that, then 0:18:24.156 --> 0:18:26.276 it's like, well, ay, it tells you that's a good 0:18:26.316 --> 0:18:29.716 reason to be stressed, but be it also says, you know, 0:18:30.316 --> 0:18:33.036 all right, we'll go get it go do it, And 0:18:33.196 --> 0:18:35.996 that's a piece of just kind of like acknowledging that 0:18:36.036 --> 0:18:38.676 type of stress and welcoming it, because then you're like, oh, 0:18:38.716 --> 0:18:41.596 I'm pumped up. What am I doing? I'm changing the world. 0:18:41.876 --> 0:18:46.796 I'm feeling right now just hearing you just that process, 0:18:47.196 --> 0:18:51.076 just that process makes a big difference. I really love that, Medupe, 0:18:51.116 --> 0:18:53.636 because as you were sharing this, I related to that 0:18:53.676 --> 0:18:56.396 early stress and I was thinking to myself that, damn 0:18:56.396 --> 0:18:59.916 well deserves stress. That situation definitely desert stress because Medupe 0:19:00.036 --> 0:19:03.236 is changing the world, and so it certainly seems like 0:19:03.276 --> 0:19:06.436 that lecture carries significance and importance because look at all 0:19:06.476 --> 0:19:10.516 these extremely positive downstream consequences, right And the more I 0:19:10.596 --> 0:19:12.556 do that, then it tells me, like, I don't have 0:19:12.596 --> 0:19:15.276 to be a jerk. Yeah, share more about that, because 0:19:15.316 --> 0:19:18.676 obviously stress does not just have internal consequences. It can 0:19:18.716 --> 0:19:20.996 have a lot of external consequences on our loved ones 0:19:20.996 --> 0:19:22.876 and the people we care about. So I'd love to 0:19:22.876 --> 0:19:24.636 dig into that a bit more. I'm sure that's something 0:19:24.716 --> 0:19:27.756 a lot of people can resonate with. Yes, one of 0:19:27.756 --> 0:19:30.116 the first things I tell people to do is to 0:19:30.156 --> 0:19:33.476 acknowledge your typical reactions to stress. What are their emotions, 0:19:33.916 --> 0:19:37.476 what are their behaviors, and what's their physiology? And the 0:19:37.556 --> 0:19:40.836 behaviors one is really important because a it serves as 0:19:40.836 --> 0:19:43.076 a signal when you are going for the potato chips, 0:19:43.156 --> 0:19:46.076 the wine and yelling at your partner, that probably means 0:19:46.076 --> 0:19:48.876 you're stressed. So now do an inventory about what you 0:19:48.956 --> 0:19:51.876 need to do about it. And the reason why it's 0:19:51.916 --> 0:19:54.596 really important for me to always kind of go back 0:19:54.636 --> 0:19:57.316 and ask myself why something matters? Is it Ultimately none 0:19:57.356 --> 0:20:00.356 of us wants to do those destructive behaviors to ourselves 0:20:00.396 --> 0:20:03.396 and to others. And so when you keep asking yourself 0:20:03.396 --> 0:20:05.476 why and you understand the bigger picture, one of the 0:20:05.476 --> 0:20:08.356 things it does, it's like I need that source of 0:20:08.396 --> 0:20:10.676 support to hel we change the world. So I think 0:20:10.716 --> 0:20:13.796 it increases your ability to relate to others in a 0:20:13.876 --> 0:20:16.756 way that can maybe help you in what you're trying 0:20:16.756 --> 0:20:20.076 to achieve, versus them being a distraction that's preventing you 0:20:20.556 --> 0:20:23.356 from doing what you need to achieve effectively. Yeah, this 0:20:23.396 --> 0:20:26.276 is so interesting because you know you initially defined stress 0:20:26.356 --> 0:20:29.756 as the demands of the situation exceed your resources to cope. 0:20:29.756 --> 0:20:31.876 And I think what I'm hearing from you is we 0:20:31.956 --> 0:20:34.516 often have more resources than we think, we're just really 0:20:34.516 --> 0:20:37.156 hesitant to ask for them, to admit that we actually 0:20:37.196 --> 0:20:39.836 need that kind of support in those resources. And so 0:20:40.196 --> 0:20:43.236 when we think through this lens, which is my stress 0:20:43.236 --> 0:20:46.556 has a purpose because I really care about these end outcomes, 0:20:46.796 --> 0:20:49.116 it can lead us to feel less sheepish about asking 0:20:49.116 --> 0:20:51.516 a friend for help, asking a loved one if they're 0:20:51.516 --> 0:20:53.796 willing to give us a hand. It's hard for all 0:20:53.796 --> 0:20:55.836 of us to ask people for help. It's one of 0:20:55.836 --> 0:20:59.636 the hardest things. And what's interesting is when we don't 0:20:59.636 --> 0:21:02.996 ask somebody for help, it's often because there is something 0:21:03.036 --> 0:21:07.036 that we're uncertain about, or feel threatened about or worried about. 0:21:07.596 --> 0:21:09.316 One of the ways I interpret what you're saying, is 0:21:09.316 --> 0:21:13.436 it when you kind of reframe your stress, the people 0:21:13.636 --> 0:21:18.836 that seem like demands actually become resources. Yes, you can 0:21:18.956 --> 0:21:22.796 view them more as resources versus as demands. You go 0:21:22.876 --> 0:21:25.276 from thinking of it as the person who's taking away 0:21:25.396 --> 0:21:28.916 from my ability to prepare for class to the person 0:21:28.956 --> 0:21:31.916 who is helping me and can help me in what 0:21:32.036 --> 0:21:34.756 I need to do to make this difference in the 0:21:34.796 --> 0:21:39.796 lives of others. Oh, that's so nice. You know you've 0:21:39.796 --> 0:21:42.716 taught us how changing our attitudes towards stress can lead 0:21:42.756 --> 0:21:45.516 to better outcomes, and also how it is that we 0:21:45.556 --> 0:21:48.116 can cultivate this kind of mindset. But of course, there 0:21:48.116 --> 0:21:51.676 are lots of situations where we overshoot and a shift 0:21:51.676 --> 0:21:54.556 in mindset might not be enough to tamp down that response. 0:21:55.116 --> 0:21:58.716 So what other techniques would you recommend to help us 0:21:59.116 --> 0:22:02.476 to just lower our stress response overall in these kinds 0:22:02.476 --> 0:22:04.116 of situations. What are the types of things that you 0:22:04.196 --> 0:22:10.676 do do pay to manage your stress? So I am 0:22:10.716 --> 0:22:13.556 I'm a big meditator, darn. I was hoping you wouldn't 0:22:13.556 --> 0:22:17.316 say meditation. I know, I know, and I couldn't at 0:22:17.356 --> 0:22:21.436 one point too, you know. And I remember, like when 0:22:21.436 --> 0:22:24.076 I was first trying to meditate, I just fall asleep 0:22:24.116 --> 0:22:28.316 each time, like give me five minutes. I am out immediately. 0:22:29.236 --> 0:22:32.076 But I realized that I really need to slow my 0:22:32.116 --> 0:22:36.036 mind down. You know, there's so much firing that for 0:22:36.116 --> 0:22:39.036 me when I sit and I'm just present first thing 0:22:39.036 --> 0:22:42.876 in the morning, that allows me to just have a 0:22:42.916 --> 0:22:45.396 different response to the many things that will come my 0:22:45.436 --> 0:22:47.876 way during the day. And I say that, and I 0:22:47.916 --> 0:22:50.956 don't like sounding woo woo like I don't like sounding 0:22:50.996 --> 0:22:54.276 like that person meditation is science based, so there's nothing 0:22:54.276 --> 0:22:56.676 woo about it. I have learned in my life that 0:22:56.716 --> 0:23:00.076 it's something that I need because it slows me down 0:23:00.156 --> 0:23:03.516 and it's been so helpful. Taking out some time to 0:23:03.676 --> 0:23:06.276 just kind of be present with yourself helps you to 0:23:06.436 --> 0:23:10.836 think clearly and act deliberately instead of being reactive. So 0:23:11.116 --> 0:23:14.516 one of the types of meditations I engage in focuses 0:23:14.556 --> 0:23:17.156 on body scanning. So you start with your head and 0:23:17.236 --> 0:23:21.836 you scan and you just notice each of your bodily sensations. 0:23:22.076 --> 0:23:25.756 Because the idea behind this is that any reaction we 0:23:25.836 --> 0:23:31.836 typically have is preceded by a physical sensation, and so 0:23:31.956 --> 0:23:35.476 if we can detect and be good at understanding or 0:23:35.636 --> 0:23:42.156