WEBVTT - All I Ever Cared About Was the Weight 0:00:00.400 --> 0:00:04.520 I won't lend my body out, be out everything that 0:00:04.640 --> 0:00:07.920 I'm made do. Won't spend my life trying to change. 0:00:08.640 --> 0:00:12.440 I'm learning to love who I am. I get I'm strong, 0:00:12.840 --> 0:00:15.800 I feel free, I know who every part of me 0:00:16.480 --> 0:00:24.000 It's beautiful and I will always out Way if you 0:00:24.079 --> 0:00:26.720 feel it with your hays in the here she's some 0:00:26.840 --> 0:00:30.000 love to the poet there say good one day and 0:00:30.360 --> 0:00:36.000 time did you and die out? Welcome back to out Way, 0:00:36.040 --> 0:00:39.000 everyone at least to hear. This week's episode is a 0:00:39.040 --> 0:00:41.879 guest story. So when we have guests on, we invite 0:00:41.920 --> 0:00:44.519 on a listener or friends of mine and Amy that 0:00:44.560 --> 0:00:47.960 we think could just share or enlighten in some way 0:00:48.159 --> 0:00:51.720 by telling their story. And is a listener of out 0:00:51.720 --> 0:00:54.760 Wave and she's also a student of Mine and Fork 0:00:54.840 --> 0:00:56.640 the Noise, So in the past year she's done for 0:00:56.840 --> 0:00:59.480 the Noise fundamentals as well as Fork the Noise, Hunger 0:00:59.520 --> 0:01:02.280 and Fullness. She did the v I P option, which 0:01:02.280 --> 0:01:04.960 means she comes to our live monthly calls. And the 0:01:05.000 --> 0:01:06.920 reason I asked her to come on was because in 0:01:06.959 --> 0:01:10.120 our last monthly call, she told a story that left 0:01:10.160 --> 0:01:13.199 all of us with our jaws dropped. And she told 0:01:13.200 --> 0:01:16.320 the story that really highlighted how far she's come in 0:01:16.360 --> 0:01:19.680 just a year. And the story itself is about eating 0:01:19.680 --> 0:01:22.440 a donut in a coffee shop with a friend and 0:01:22.480 --> 0:01:24.640 all the ways that diet culture can either ruin that 0:01:24.720 --> 0:01:28.160 experience for the person that's eating the doughnut or how 0:01:28.200 --> 0:01:31.000 it also impacts the other people around who are on 0:01:31.080 --> 0:01:34.240 a diet that are just looking at the doughnut thinking oh, 0:01:34.280 --> 0:01:36.960 I wish I could have that. So the story left 0:01:37.000 --> 0:01:39.240 a lot of people asking Anna a lot of questions, 0:01:39.240 --> 0:01:40.920 how did you get there? I want to do that. 0:01:41.000 --> 0:01:43.760 She was kind of like that one moment of like, Oh, 0:01:43.800 --> 0:01:46.840 that's what freedom looks like, That's what I want, But 0:01:47.040 --> 0:01:49.480 how do I get there? So I invited Anna on 0:01:49.560 --> 0:01:51.840 to tell the story and to also just share her 0:01:52.000 --> 0:01:55.800 entire story, which involves dieting since she was eight years old. 0:01:56.280 --> 0:02:01.160 So for somebody who is so ingrained mentally into looking 0:02:01.160 --> 0:02:03.480 at a food and knowing how many calories are in 0:02:03.520 --> 0:02:06.400 it or how many points it's worth to have this 0:02:06.520 --> 0:02:09.560 moment of freedom, I think really just shows us what 0:02:09.639 --> 0:02:12.520 we're all capable of. We can all do it, but 0:02:12.919 --> 0:02:14.640 we gotta put in a little bit of work, and 0:02:14.680 --> 0:02:16.960 we got to want to put it in and says 0:02:17.000 --> 0:02:20.400 some amazing one liners in here, so please listen out 0:02:20.480 --> 0:02:22.480 for all the amazing things that she has to say 0:02:22.520 --> 0:02:26.360 about the scale, about self esteem, about how you don't 0:02:26.400 --> 0:02:29.320 have to lose weight in order to feel confident. And 0:02:29.360 --> 0:02:32.600 this is somebody who has lived it, has weight cycled, 0:02:32.880 --> 0:02:35.360 has gone through the ups and downs, and for the 0:02:35.480 --> 0:02:39.320 time being, is on the other side showing us what 0:02:39.480 --> 0:02:44.000 life can look like free of disordered eating. Welcome back 0:02:44.040 --> 0:02:47.760 to Outweigh. So excited to have an on today. Welcome man, 0:02:48.080 --> 0:02:51.600 Thank you very excited to be here. So I've already 0:02:51.639 --> 0:02:54.120 kind of let everybody know, but you're a fork an 0:02:54.639 --> 0:02:58.200 student of mine, and you're a student of life, I 0:02:58.200 --> 0:03:02.440 should really say, and you so bravely done so much 0:03:02.480 --> 0:03:05.640 hard work that I just really wanted to invite you 0:03:05.680 --> 0:03:09.240 onto Outweigh because I think that you're super relatable to 0:03:09.320 --> 0:03:12.120 our listeners. I think everything that you've gone through, the ups, 0:03:12.160 --> 0:03:15.799 the downs, the winds, the struggles, the every day is 0:03:16.000 --> 0:03:21.080 essentially who our Outweigh listener is. And you provide inspiration 0:03:21.200 --> 0:03:23.200 with a sense of realness, and I think we could 0:03:23.240 --> 0:03:25.640 all kind of learn something from you. So thank you 0:03:25.760 --> 0:03:28.160 for showing up willingly and giving me a little bit 0:03:28.160 --> 0:03:31.120 of your time as well. Absolutely, and I do first 0:03:31.160 --> 0:03:34.520 want to say thank you to you and Amy, because 0:03:34.840 --> 0:03:38.160 with really, without Outweigh, I don't think I would have 0:03:38.400 --> 0:03:41.560 progressed as quickly as I have throughout this whole journey. 0:03:41.720 --> 0:03:45.280 And being able to listen to everyone's stories each week, 0:03:45.360 --> 0:03:49.520 it's just so inspiring and hopeful. So I'm really excited 0:03:49.560 --> 0:03:52.560 to hopefully help someone else too. Oh my gosh, you know, 0:03:52.680 --> 0:03:55.120 I don't. I don't think I realized like the impact 0:03:55.120 --> 0:03:57.040 of Outweigh as much as I love doing it and 0:03:57.080 --> 0:03:59.720 hearing it. You know, Amy and I like record the 0:03:59.720 --> 0:04:02.040 EPISO sisodes, we edit them, we put them out to 0:04:02.080 --> 0:04:05.080 the universe, and then we sometimes don't know where they land. 0:04:05.360 --> 0:04:09.200 So hearing that just really makes me pause for a 0:04:09.280 --> 0:04:13.000 second and really see why we do this, and it's 0:04:13.200 --> 0:04:15.960 it's for you, for you to now pass the torches. 0:04:16.520 --> 0:04:19.400 This community is unlike any other community. So thank you 0:04:19.440 --> 0:04:23.200 for being a listener and for reminding everybody that it 0:04:23.279 --> 0:04:26.040 takes active work, you know, not just that WIGH, not 0:04:26.160 --> 0:04:29.080 just my program. It takes showing up for yourself and 0:04:29.120 --> 0:04:33.479 a willingness that you certainly have. So let's just kick 0:04:33.480 --> 0:04:37.040 off today to just talk about your relationship with food 0:04:37.400 --> 0:04:41.040 leading up to the last year or two. Yes, absolutely, 0:04:41.080 --> 0:04:44.679 so I have a very interesting long story with foods, 0:04:44.680 --> 0:04:47.720 so I'm going to try to shorten it up as 0:04:47.760 --> 0:04:52.080 best as possible. But my first diet I went on 0:04:52.120 --> 0:04:56.960 when I was eight, and it was weight Watchers, So 0:04:57.120 --> 0:05:00.919 I was counting points with my parents. And then, you know, 0:05:00.960 --> 0:05:05.120 I never want to throw my parents under any kind 0:05:05.160 --> 0:05:08.200 of bus as they were definitely doing the best they 0:05:08.240 --> 0:05:11.680 could with both of them, who have struggled with their 0:05:11.839 --> 0:05:15.359 weight and body of parents their entire life and really 0:05:15.360 --> 0:05:19.920 who still are um, However, eight years old to start 0:05:20.240 --> 0:05:24.919 counting points, um, that's really what started the diet mentality 0:05:25.240 --> 0:05:29.000 in my life. And then from basically eight to probably 0:05:29.600 --> 0:05:33.360 teenage years, I was on and off multiple diets. We 0:05:33.480 --> 0:05:37.400 did weight Watchers, we did all kinds of just like 0:05:37.520 --> 0:05:41.320 low calorie options. This was in the nineties and in 0:05:41.480 --> 0:05:45.159 the nineties was really heavy with that free kind of thing. 0:05:45.279 --> 0:05:47.680 So that was our new thing, was that free and 0:05:48.040 --> 0:05:50.480 we did them as like a family. Um. And then 0:05:50.520 --> 0:05:54.520 we also experienced over exercising as well. At a very 0:05:54.560 --> 0:05:58.640 young age, my father and I started heavily writing bicycles. 0:05:58.880 --> 0:06:01.800 When I was probably twelve or thirteen. We would go 0:06:02.080 --> 0:06:07.440 forty miles at a time, which right now just sounds 0:06:07.480 --> 0:06:11.840 absolutely crazy. It's just way too much, especially for a 0:06:11.880 --> 0:06:16.760 really a little kid. But through diet and exercise, that 0:06:16.839 --> 0:06:20.159 was really where my relationship with food really turned. Um, 0:06:20.200 --> 0:06:24.520 I was no longer really a kid. I was really 0:06:24.600 --> 0:06:28.919 more obsessing with food already. And I remember being a 0:06:29.000 --> 0:06:31.560 kid and being you know, maybe ten or eleven, in 0:06:31.600 --> 0:06:35.800 a grocery store and buying foods like snack Wells and 0:06:35.960 --> 0:06:38.040 I don't even know if they still sell those anymore, 0:06:38.080 --> 0:06:42.520 but they're like a low calorie cookie option, while my 0:06:42.640 --> 0:06:46.360 peers were eating like just lunchables and just chips ahoy, 0:06:46.400 --> 0:06:49.839 and like normal kid food. That already set me apart 0:06:50.240 --> 0:06:52.880 from my peers. And I think I started working with 0:06:53.000 --> 0:06:56.400 low self esteem really to begin with. So we'll kind 0:06:56.440 --> 0:07:00.000 of fast forward a little bit. Throughout really middle school, 0:07:00.120 --> 0:07:03.440 high school, I struggled the entire time. Um, I did 0:07:03.480 --> 0:07:07.160 every single possible diet you can imagine in that time. 0:07:07.200 --> 0:07:11.200 For I remember being in biology class. It was like 0:07:11.240 --> 0:07:15.200 a nutrition class on how nutrition works. Going back, I 0:07:15.240 --> 0:07:18.360 really wish that I could have really learned something, because 0:07:18.360 --> 0:07:20.840 it's honestly it's a lot of what Lisa teaches in 0:07:21.000 --> 0:07:24.280 kind of forth noise of how how does nutrition actually work? 0:07:24.440 --> 0:07:27.640 It's very interesting. But we were supposed to write down 0:07:27.640 --> 0:07:30.600 our our food for like a few days or something, 0:07:31.040 --> 0:07:33.760 and I was on the Special K Challenge, and I 0:07:33.760 --> 0:07:37.320 remember I had to go and tell my teacher that 0:07:37.600 --> 0:07:40.440 I'm on the you know, I'm on a Special K challenge, 0:07:40.560 --> 0:07:43.240 so I'm only eating Special K food right now. And 0:07:43.280 --> 0:07:46.560 that was pretty much what my middle school, high school 0:07:46.800 --> 0:07:49.200 really looked like. I would say it took a turn 0:07:49.280 --> 0:07:53.160 for the worse in college. Um. In college, I went 0:07:53.400 --> 0:07:57.720 to a junior college first, and I was really struggling, 0:07:57.800 --> 0:08:00.560 I think mentally with the fact that all my friends 0:08:00.560 --> 0:08:03.840 went to a university and I went to a junior college. Um. 0:08:03.880 --> 0:08:06.119 And I really did that, of course, to save money, 0:08:06.240 --> 0:08:09.200 because that's the most economical way to go to college. 0:08:09.560 --> 0:08:12.160 I was really struggling. And that's really when I started 0:08:12.160 --> 0:08:16.200 binge eating. And really before that time frame, I really 0:08:16.240 --> 0:08:19.240 hadn't been ate much, or even if I had, it 0:08:19.280 --> 0:08:23.400 wasn't necessarily recognized as bench eating. It was maybe just 0:08:23.480 --> 0:08:26.040 eating a little too much or you know, eating more 0:08:26.080 --> 0:08:29.640 of the quote unquote wrong foods as my household would say, 0:08:29.680 --> 0:08:34.440 but the bench eating really started in early college. Throughout 0:08:34.480 --> 0:08:38.160 all of college, I probably gained and lost the same 0:08:38.320 --> 0:08:41.760 twenty pounds. Often my self esteem was very low. I 0:08:41.800 --> 0:08:45.880 found myself in an abusive relationship. Actually it was like 0:08:45.920 --> 0:08:49.720 a perfect storm of my self esteem was low, and 0:08:49.760 --> 0:08:53.079 then that the man I was with would would kind 0:08:53.080 --> 0:08:55.880 of make it the self esteem worse, and then he 0:08:55.920 --> 0:08:58.199 would make it better. So it was like a very 0:08:58.200 --> 0:09:01.880 eye opening experience. And then when that ended, I was 0:09:01.920 --> 0:09:05.200 starting to get better. But then I went on another diet, 0:09:05.640 --> 0:09:08.800 and this diet was one of the most restrictive I've 0:09:08.800 --> 0:09:11.760 ever done. Um And I think this is kind of 0:09:11.800 --> 0:09:14.640 starts a new journey that I had with restrictive eating, 0:09:15.559 --> 0:09:20.679 because really prior I would binge and restrict and over exercise, 0:09:20.720 --> 0:09:23.960 and I this is just the worst thought for me. 0:09:24.120 --> 0:09:26.880 But I used to always think if I could just 0:09:27.559 --> 0:09:29.920 not eat much for a week and just kill it 0:09:29.960 --> 0:09:32.480 at the gym, I would be where I wanted. But 0:09:32.640 --> 0:09:35.840 I never felt like I had enough quote unquote discipline 0:09:35.920 --> 0:09:38.439 to do that. And all of these things that I'm 0:09:38.520 --> 0:09:43.720 saying in today's world are are just so different, and 0:09:43.840 --> 0:09:46.440 there are things that I never would have thought of 0:09:46.679 --> 0:09:51.000 back then I was so disordered. So not only was 0:09:51.080 --> 0:09:53.680 I in the throes of disordered eating, I did have 0:09:53.840 --> 0:09:57.960 been cheating disorder, which was really kind of two separate things. 0:09:58.200 --> 0:10:02.559 And so then throughout really once I graduated college, then 0:10:02.600 --> 0:10:05.960 I actually met my husband, and I think in that 0:10:06.040 --> 0:10:10.440 way we've talked a little bit about relationships and eating 0:10:10.440 --> 0:10:14.200 disorders and disordered eating. And it was interesting because when 0:10:14.200 --> 0:10:17.640 we first started dating, my husband loves to eat, and 0:10:17.679 --> 0:10:20.960 he loves fast food. It's like his favorite thing. I 0:10:20.960 --> 0:10:24.480 would always get really mad and upset and I'd be like, well, 0:10:24.480 --> 0:10:28.080 I can't eat that. Why don't you understand? And looking 0:10:28.120 --> 0:10:30.480 back at it now, you think of the fact that 0:10:30.679 --> 0:10:35.640 he looks at food fairly normal, um really without any baggage, 0:10:36.040 --> 0:10:39.280 and I'm looking at food as oh, fast food was bad. 0:10:39.600 --> 0:10:42.520 I can't have that, or you know, I was always 0:10:42.600 --> 0:10:45.960 counting calories. I did all the apps. I think I 0:10:46.000 --> 0:10:50.800 had a few somewhat stable years really between my wedding, 0:10:51.520 --> 0:10:55.720 because when I did get married, I still had disordered eating, 0:10:56.200 --> 0:10:59.360 but it was more or less, I would say, fairly 0:10:59.400 --> 0:11:02.640 under control. I wasn't obsessing as much. I was still 0:11:02.679 --> 0:11:05.800 counting calories for most part, and I still tried to 0:11:05.840 --> 0:11:08.600 work out, and I've always tried to work out, UM, 0:11:08.720 --> 0:11:11.400 but then that kind of started a whole separate thing 0:11:11.559 --> 0:11:14.920 where I got into a different kind of program that 0:11:15.080 --> 0:11:18.520 actually made the bench eating disorder really resurface and come 0:11:18.559 --> 0:11:22.240 back even worse. So I went on a plan that 0:11:23.360 --> 0:11:28.080 encompassed working out and um what they call healthy eating. 0:11:28.360 --> 0:11:31.480 And it was healthy eating, but it was very restrictive, 0:11:32.000 --> 0:11:34.960 and I got into this mentality and I want to 0:11:34.960 --> 0:11:38.560 say for probably a year where I would eat great 0:11:39.160 --> 0:11:43.520 Monday through Friday, and then about Friday night the wheels 0:11:43.600 --> 0:11:46.760 fell off and I would just go crazy. I eat 0:11:46.840 --> 0:11:49.160 everything that I didn't eat during the week. I wouldn't 0:11:49.160 --> 0:11:52.800 work out because I it really made it into my 0:11:52.840 --> 0:11:57.920 mind that you're on plan Monday through Friday, and then 0:11:58.200 --> 0:12:02.120 Friday night you were off plane. And those words became 0:12:02.480 --> 0:12:06.560 my life. We would plan things like I would miss 0:12:06.600 --> 0:12:11.120 out on things during the week because I was I 0:12:11.200 --> 0:12:13.840 was on plan. I was just being good. Really, just 0:12:13.920 --> 0:12:16.800 thinking back at that, it's just such a sad way 0:12:16.840 --> 0:12:19.760 to live. I did that for a few years, and 0:12:19.840 --> 0:12:24.280 then there became another very restrictive diet. But this diet 0:12:24.360 --> 0:12:28.079 was even more restrictive. The most restrictive plan I've ever done, 0:12:28.320 --> 0:12:32.280 and I thought I was doing great. Um. The plan 0:12:32.400 --> 0:12:35.880 was actually developed by a doctor. So here's some more 0:12:36.000 --> 0:12:40.719 diet culture for you. Plans that are thrown at you 0:12:41.120 --> 0:12:45.400 as health created by doctors that we are supposed to trust, 0:12:45.920 --> 0:12:51.000 and really made my bene eating worse. But I actually 0:12:51.000 --> 0:12:54.719 didn't realize it was worse until it was over. So 0:12:54.800 --> 0:12:58.240 I was on this plan for nine months and I 0:12:58.280 --> 0:13:04.679 lost fifty pounds and I felt amazing, super confident and 0:13:05.240 --> 0:13:09.560 just like I could conquer the world. And then I 0:13:09.720 --> 0:13:14.080 had a few months of heavy travel, lots of events, 0:13:14.280 --> 0:13:16.880 lots of things to do. Um. And that plan that 0:13:16.960 --> 0:13:19.760 I was on was not only very restrictive, but there 0:13:19.840 --> 0:13:23.400 was no room for what you would call cheating. So 0:13:23.559 --> 0:13:26.120 you were basically a hundred person on plan or you 0:13:26.120 --> 0:13:33.040 were off, and it put yourself in a very ketogenic state. Um. 0:13:33.080 --> 0:13:35.280 And so when you're in that kind of state, they 0:13:35.320 --> 0:13:38.440 would advise you don't want to get out of that 0:13:38.520 --> 0:13:40.559 because it takes so long to get back in it. 0:13:41.160 --> 0:13:44.880 And so it was just reinforcing this diet culture in 0:13:44.920 --> 0:13:47.840 my brain. Let's pause for just one second. You said 0:13:47.880 --> 0:13:50.080 so many things that I don't want to forget. Let's 0:13:50.120 --> 0:13:51.719 just start with the keto thing. I just want to 0:13:51.800 --> 0:13:55.000 highlight that I see so many people bragging is kind 0:13:55.000 --> 0:13:57.160 of a funny word, but um, I see so many 0:13:57.200 --> 0:13:59.640 people who go on a keto diet. There are a 0:13:59.640 --> 0:14:01.680 few weeks in I guess they're, you know, all in, 0:14:01.800 --> 0:14:04.440 they find their way into ketosis and the weight just 0:14:04.440 --> 0:14:07.080 starts falling off right, and they're telling their friends and 0:14:07.120 --> 0:14:09.080 their siblings and they're this, and they're that, and this 0:14:09.160 --> 0:14:12.480 is the best diet because they're eating and here goes, 0:14:12.600 --> 0:14:15.680 you know, the weight so easily, and the mindset with 0:14:15.720 --> 0:14:19.040 it is I can do this forever. And from where 0:14:19.040 --> 0:14:21.480 I'm sitting, because I've worked with so many people and 0:14:21.760 --> 0:14:24.880 you know, I've seen this play out just like your story, 0:14:25.480 --> 0:14:29.280 it is not actually sustainable because you have to stay 0:14:29.280 --> 0:14:33.120 in it forever. And that means you're on plan quote 0:14:33.160 --> 0:14:36.280 unquote of the time. And while that might feel really 0:14:36.360 --> 0:14:39.440 fine for a month or two months or maybe even 0:14:39.480 --> 0:14:41.640 for you and maybe six months before you kind of 0:14:41.640 --> 0:14:45.200 woke up and we're like, wait a second, this isn't living. 0:14:45.560 --> 0:14:47.720 I just want to call out that when we say 0:14:47.760 --> 0:14:50.640 diets don't work, we might not be saying that the 0:14:50.720 --> 0:14:53.800 diet won't lead to weight loss, but there's an element 0:14:54.120 --> 0:14:57.400 or a time that will come where it's no longer 0:14:57.480 --> 0:15:01.120 working with you, either mentally or perhaps physically, whether that 0:15:01.160 --> 0:15:04.440 weight comes back and it actually isn't working for the 0:15:04.440 --> 0:15:08.240 intended goal, or the rest of your life is changing 0:15:08.320 --> 0:15:12.440 and eating in a certain way no longer works, and 0:15:12.520 --> 0:15:16.520 you now are left tool lists again how to keep 0:15:16.560 --> 0:15:19.120 off this weight that you like without being on this 0:15:19.200 --> 0:15:21.920 quote unquote plan that was supposed to be a lifestyle. Right. 0:15:22.360 --> 0:15:24.200 So I just wanted to highlight that when we say 0:15:24.240 --> 0:15:26.320 diets don't work, it might not mean that the weight 0:15:26.400 --> 0:15:30.320 doesn't come off, or that that restrictive eating or whatever 0:15:30.360 --> 0:15:33.480 diet it is won't lead to weight loss. But when 0:15:33.520 --> 0:15:36.240 we look at them over time, which is very hard 0:15:36.320 --> 0:15:38.680 to see in the initial phases, when people are super 0:15:38.720 --> 0:15:42.960 loud and proud, that element, I think is is being missed. 0:15:43.040 --> 0:15:45.880 Do you agree in absolutely? And I do want to 0:15:45.960 --> 0:15:52.040 mention that throughout this entire journey of almost twenty years, 0:15:52.080 --> 0:15:56.280 all I ever thought about was the weight. That was it. 0:15:57.200 --> 0:16:01.040 Once I stopped focusing on the way eight that was 0:16:01.120 --> 0:16:03.720 really when I started living and I woke up to 0:16:03.800 --> 0:16:07.080 all of this, and throughout this whole journey. I had 0:16:07.160 --> 0:16:11.320 actually been in therapy multiple times and none of it 0:16:11.640 --> 0:16:17.680 ever quote worked for me, because secretly I didn't really 0:16:17.760 --> 0:16:21.680 care if I got better. I didn't care that I 0:16:21.680 --> 0:16:26.120 had benjinging disorder. What I cared about was get rid 0:16:26.120 --> 0:16:28.520 of the bening resource so I can lose weight. When 0:16:28.600 --> 0:16:30.320 is this going to work? So I can lose weight? 0:16:30.560 --> 0:16:34.000 And then when I finally got over that was when 0:16:34.600 --> 0:16:38.440 it really my mind was really starting to heal. And 0:16:38.560 --> 0:16:40.840 I also just wanted to highlight that your story is 0:16:40.840 --> 0:16:44.760 so amazing because you have been calorie counting in some 0:16:44.840 --> 0:16:47.400 shape or form since you were eight years old. It's 0:16:47.480 --> 0:16:51.280 just so ingrained to you to look at a food 0:16:51.640 --> 0:16:55.080 and strip it down away from anything beyond do I 0:16:55.160 --> 0:16:58.040 want that? Do I not want that? Into? Is it 0:16:58.120 --> 0:17:01.160 worth it? Should I have it? How? What is it? Well? 0:17:01.160 --> 0:17:03.400 This due to my body, you know? And like you said, 0:17:03.440 --> 0:17:05.280 I love how you how you really frame that your 0:17:05.320 --> 0:17:07.680 parents were doing your their best, as I think so 0:17:07.720 --> 0:17:10.520 many parents were doing their best in a time where 0:17:10.560 --> 0:17:15.120 we weren't having conversations like this, and wait was the focus, 0:17:15.160 --> 0:17:19.040 and a lot of parents feel or felt that if 0:17:19.040 --> 0:17:21.920 they could just help their child with their weight then 0:17:21.960 --> 0:17:26.840 their self esteem would improve. But your story really highlights 0:17:26.920 --> 0:17:31.719 that when we tell a child that you know, food 0:17:32.240 --> 0:17:35.200 leads to this, and therefore you need to control your food, 0:17:35.400 --> 0:17:39.359 we really are robbing them of their own abilities to 0:17:39.480 --> 0:17:44.679 make choices that are best for them, and that is 0:17:44.720 --> 0:17:48.000 how we knocked down self esteem. I think you know, 0:17:48.200 --> 0:17:50.679 you didn't have the liberation to just eat what your 0:17:50.720 --> 0:17:53.520 friends were eating. You had snackles in your house. You 0:17:53.560 --> 0:17:56.640 were made to feel different, even though all your parents 0:17:56.760 --> 0:18:00.240 wanted for you was to feel not different. And I 0:18:00.240 --> 0:18:03.760 think the intent is really important to acknowledge because I 0:18:03.800 --> 0:18:07.560 think forgiveness for self, for others, for compassion, you know, 0:18:07.640 --> 0:18:10.440 all these things are really important emotions that we must 0:18:10.520 --> 0:18:13.440 carry with us if we truly want to heal ourselves, 0:18:13.600 --> 0:18:17.360 heal our families, and heal future generations, which you know, 0:18:17.840 --> 0:18:20.200 the two of us both have children on the way 0:18:20.280 --> 0:18:23.960 right now, so opening up that that conversation a little 0:18:24.000 --> 0:18:26.920 bit more, I just think it's amazing that you are 0:18:27.000 --> 0:18:32.520 where you are and how ingrained the counting really is 0:18:32.640 --> 0:18:36.800 to you over the last you know, however, many years, absolutely, 0:18:36.920 --> 0:18:40.680 and I still catch myself counting in my head. Thank 0:18:40.680 --> 0:18:43.240 you for saying that. I think It's an important acknowledgement 0:18:43.280 --> 0:18:46.200 because I don't know if that much time counting seeing 0:18:46.240 --> 0:18:48.200 food in these certain ways. Can you know maybe it 0:18:48.280 --> 0:18:50.199 changed a little over the years as to how you 0:18:50.520 --> 0:18:53.119 quantified food. I don't know if that could ever really 0:18:53.160 --> 0:18:57.240 fully go away, but you can catch it and work 0:18:57.320 --> 0:18:59.480 through it a little bit more, which is different. Okay, 0:18:59.520 --> 0:19:01.760 so let's can tinue with your story. Sorry to interrupt. 0:19:02.040 --> 0:19:06.520 So after my very restrictive plan was finished, and it 0:19:06.600 --> 0:19:09.680 was finished because I had basically lost all the weight 0:19:09.720 --> 0:19:14.920 I had wanted, then I went on a trip to Jamaica, 0:19:15.119 --> 0:19:18.520 my best friend got married. Then after that we my 0:19:18.600 --> 0:19:21.879 husband turned thirty, so we also went on another trip. 0:19:21.960 --> 0:19:24.640 It was nice because I was able to live and 0:19:24.840 --> 0:19:28.960 throughout that time, UM, I really quit weighing myself because 0:19:29.240 --> 0:19:32.080 prior to this, which I haven't touched on, I was 0:19:32.119 --> 0:19:37.640 an avid scale user, and I am talking about multiple 0:19:37.680 --> 0:19:41.879 time today obsession. I'd get home from Mark and I 0:19:41.880 --> 0:19:45.680 would weigh and I then I would subtract however much 0:19:45.720 --> 0:19:49.520 I thought was appropriate for my day, maybe one pound 0:19:49.600 --> 0:19:52.480 or whatever, and I'd say, Okay, that's good, I did 0:19:52.520 --> 0:19:55.640 good today, and then that would set up my evening. Um, 0:19:55.680 --> 0:20:00.560 and so I lived and died by the scale, and 0:20:00.600 --> 0:20:05.920 then it became a sacred obsession of well, now I'm 0:20:06.000 --> 0:20:09.480 scared to weigh because I know that I haven't been 0:20:09.520 --> 0:20:12.800 doing well, and so I'm just going to avoid it. 0:20:13.119 --> 0:20:16.359 And I will say that that year of my life 0:20:16.800 --> 0:20:19.880 was one of the best years I've ever had. One 0:20:19.880 --> 0:20:22.760 thing I did learn was you don't need to lose 0:20:22.800 --> 0:20:26.680 weight to be confident, because throughout that year I don't 0:20:26.680 --> 0:20:30.400 really know how much I gained because one other thing 0:20:30.880 --> 0:20:35.440 that I did learn was when you basically stopped restricting, 0:20:36.040 --> 0:20:39.840 you're going to gain weight. It's just how the body 0:20:39.880 --> 0:20:43.160 works because you're holding so tight. And then you open 0:20:43.240 --> 0:20:46.439 your life back up. And that's how it felt to me. 0:20:46.880 --> 0:20:49.560 My life was so small, and then I opened it 0:20:49.640 --> 0:20:53.080 back up. And that was in twenty nineteen. And then 0:20:53.280 --> 0:20:56.040 at the end of twenty nineteen, we went to see 0:20:56.080 --> 0:20:59.600 my husband's family and they live in Texas, UM and 0:20:59.640 --> 0:21:02.760 I were thinking, Okay, after this, I really need to 0:21:02.840 --> 0:21:07.160 kind of get back on it in and really start 0:21:07.600 --> 0:21:10.240 doing better, because I spent the whole year of twenty 0:21:10.320 --> 0:21:14.040 nineteen just really having a great time, which is fantastic. 0:21:14.400 --> 0:21:20.320 And then came and I actually went back to heavily 0:21:20.359 --> 0:21:25.640 restricting and counting, and I actually skipped out on events. 0:21:25.880 --> 0:21:30.920 So is this pre pandemic begins and you're you're back 0:21:31.000 --> 0:21:35.960 on the plant. Yes, And it's very very cliche. It 0:21:36.080 --> 0:21:40.480 was resolution, of course, and I actually I am not 0:21:40.560 --> 0:21:45.600 really a huge resolution person. I make yearly goals, and 0:21:45.680 --> 0:21:48.960 instead of doing my usual yearly goal, which I did, 0:21:49.000 --> 0:21:52.080 create a goal that was not weight focused. But then 0:21:52.080 --> 0:21:54.520 I had a weight focused goal and it was get 0:21:54.520 --> 0:21:57.280 back to where I was. And I didn't want to 0:21:57.280 --> 0:21:59.760 go back on the very restrictive plan, not because it 0:21:59.800 --> 0:22:03.760 was a restrictive, because it was very expensive and my 0:22:03.840 --> 0:22:06.600 husband and I were going to be building house in 0:22:06.720 --> 0:22:10.840 that year, and so I really couldn't afford to go 0:22:10.920 --> 0:22:14.399 back on it. And so I started heavily restricting yet again, 0:22:14.920 --> 0:22:19.520 and I actually would miss out on things and events 0:22:19.520 --> 0:22:23.080 would pop up at my favorite winery and I would say, oh, 0:22:23.160 --> 0:22:25.399 I wish I could go to that, but I can't 0:22:25.920 --> 0:22:27.960 because I don't know how many calories are in these 0:22:28.040 --> 0:22:33.200 wine slushies that I love. And then the pandemic started, 0:22:34.720 --> 0:22:39.360 And looking back at this, I just continuously kicked myself 0:22:39.440 --> 0:22:44.080 for why did you skip out on events? Not having 0:22:44.160 --> 0:22:47.000 any idea what the future was going to hold. And 0:22:47.040 --> 0:22:52.359 then my first three months was really restrictive and diet 0:22:52.480 --> 0:22:56.640 focused and wait focused. And then once the pandemic started 0:22:56.680 --> 0:23:00.640 and we went home and I didn't know when life 0:23:00.680 --> 0:23:03.320 was going to go back to normal, and not only 0:23:03.720 --> 0:23:07.080 was my husband and I started working from home. We 0:23:07.119 --> 0:23:09.520 put our house on the market, we sold our house, 0:23:09.720 --> 0:23:11.800 we started building our house, and we moved out with 0:23:11.840 --> 0:23:16.880 my parents all and then um later in when our 0:23:16.880 --> 0:23:18.840 house was done, so we were able to move into 0:23:18.840 --> 0:23:23.119 our new house. But I just remember thinking, I really 0:23:23.160 --> 0:23:26.399 wish I would have went to those winery events. I 0:23:26.440 --> 0:23:28.840 wish I would have done events with my best friend. 0:23:29.320 --> 0:23:32.760 My best friend then moved away actually during the pandemic, 0:23:33.000 --> 0:23:34.840