1
00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:13,360
Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to You Need Therapy Podcast.

2
00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:17,440
Speaker 1: My name is Cat, I'm the host. I am a therapist,

3
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:20,360
Speaker 1: And before we get into anything, we're gonna go ahead

4
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:23,720
Speaker 1: and lay it out that even though I am a therapist,

5
00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:28,600
Speaker 1: this is not therapy and it cannot substitute as therapy

6
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:32,479
Speaker 1: as much as we wanted to. So if you're listening

7
00:00:32,479 --> 00:00:36,000
Speaker 1: to this on the day that it is released, then

8
00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:40,600
Speaker 1: you're listening to this on Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day.

9
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:45,680
Speaker 1: And Okay, I know that a lot of people, some people,

10
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:50,280
Speaker 1: some of you listening, hate this day because I mean,

11
00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:54,200
Speaker 1: it can be pretty annoying for multiple reasons, especially if

12
00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:59,040
Speaker 1: you're single or recently single, especially especially and you have

13
00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:02,640
Speaker 1: to see every one else having their you know, perfect

14
00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:05,400
Speaker 1: day with their perfect partner who buys them perfect flowers,

15
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:09,320
Speaker 1: and they go to a perfect dinner and they eat

16
00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:13,600
Speaker 1: a perfect set menu and they just have the perfect

17
00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:16,800
Speaker 1: night while you sit at home with I don't know,

18
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:20,440
Speaker 1: a frozen pizza and you have a full conversation with

19
00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:23,520
Speaker 1: your dog, or if you're me and you don't have

20
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:26,240
Speaker 1: a dog, you have a conversation with your puzzle. But

21
00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:28,160
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to be that way, it doesn't have

22
00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:31,119
Speaker 1: to be like that. I don't hate this day. I

23
00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:33,120
Speaker 1: probably did in my past at some point. I don't

24
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:35,880
Speaker 1: hate it. I don't look forward to Valentine's Day. I

25
00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:39,000
Speaker 1: don't think I've ever heard somebody say I can't wait

26
00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:42,840
Speaker 1: for Valentine's Day unless like you're expecting to like, you know,

27
00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:45,840
Speaker 1: get engaged or have some thing, you know what. I

28
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:50,720
Speaker 1: take that back. I loved Valentine's Day in elementary school

29
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,520
Speaker 1: because we always got to make those fun boxes out

30
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:55,480
Speaker 1: of tissue boxes where you have to put your Valentines

31
00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:57,720
Speaker 1: and then you have to make Valentine's for your friends,

32
00:01:57,720 --> 00:01:59,639
Speaker 1: and you've got all this candy, and it was great

33
00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:03,280
Speaker 1: because by Valentine's Day, you'd already eaten whatever candy you've

34
00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:05,920
Speaker 1: gotten from Christmas, and you had that like stash of

35
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:09,320
Speaker 1: like the reject candy from Halloween that's probably questionable at

36
00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:12,120
Speaker 1: this time to eat but still there. But usually for

37
00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:15,040
Speaker 1: me it was like Jolly Ranchers and Tutti rolls, which

38
00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:18,920
Speaker 1: is weird because I love Tutsi rolls. Now, those would

39
00:02:18,919 --> 00:02:21,760
Speaker 1: be one of the first to be eaten these days.

40
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,560
Speaker 1: Back then, they were like in the bottom of the suitcase.

41
00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:27,560
Speaker 1: Which was my Halloween bucket. How did we get here?

42
00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:30,920
Speaker 1: I'm not sure you know what else I think about

43
00:02:30,919 --> 00:02:33,040
Speaker 1: when I think about Valentine's Day. It might be fresh

44
00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:35,440
Speaker 1: in my mind because I went and saw Mean Girls

45
00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:38,760
Speaker 1: of Musical last week with some of my family, and

46
00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:41,040
Speaker 1: that you know they have that part about the candy

47
00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:44,359
Speaker 1: canes during Christmas. Well in high school where I went

48
00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:46,520
Speaker 1: to high school, we didn't have that during Christmas. But

49
00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:49,760
Speaker 1: on Valentine's Day, you could buy a car nation for somebody.

50
00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:53,240
Speaker 1: And if you're wondering why carnations, those are like not

51
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:56,960
Speaker 1: the most beautiful flowers because they're like the cheapest, I think,

52
00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:59,240
Speaker 1: or one of the cheapest. But you could buy a

53
00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:02,639
Speaker 1: car nation in for people, could be your friends, could

54
00:03:02,639 --> 00:03:04,680
Speaker 1: be like somebody you liked, could be your crush, good boyfriend,

55
00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:07,400
Speaker 1: girl from whatever. And uh, you know, I don't think

56
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:11,240
Speaker 1: I really got me. Yeah, so I don't think I

57
00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:13,160
Speaker 1: liked Valentine's Day in high school as much as I

58
00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:16,959
Speaker 1: liked it in elementary school. Anyway, Like I was saying,

59
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:21,320
Speaker 1: I don't hate Valentine's Day. It doesn't have to be

60
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:25,560
Speaker 1: this like dark, gloomy thing. It really doesn't. I enjoy

61
00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:27,920
Speaker 1: parts of it. I like buying Valentine's candy. I like

62
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,480
Speaker 1: the displays, I like the decorations and stores, and I

63
00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:35,120
Speaker 1: like watching rom coms and like cheesy Valentine's movies. I

64
00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:38,480
Speaker 1: like all that stuff. I like wearing shirts with hearts

65
00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:42,600
Speaker 1: on them because I've already preplanned my outfit for Monday,

66
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,720
Speaker 1: which is today. If you're listening to the day that

67
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:47,760
Speaker 1: this is being released, it is now Friday, but I

68
00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:49,680
Speaker 1: already know what I'm gonna be wearing. It is this

69
00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:53,480
Speaker 1: so cute sweater from Anthropology. It read and has hearts

70
00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:55,760
Speaker 1: on it. I've worn it once and I've been waiting

71
00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:58,040
Speaker 1: for Valentine's Day'd wear it again. I work on Christmas

72
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,440
Speaker 1: because it's you know, you know, I just like a

73
00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:03,720
Speaker 1: themed outfit sometimes. Really, the point of all me saying

74
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,840
Speaker 1: this is that you don't have to hate this day.

75
00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:08,960
Speaker 1: You don't have to love it. And it's okay that

76
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:10,560
Speaker 1: you don't love this day and look forward to it,

77
00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:11,960
Speaker 1: but you don't have to hate it. It It doesn't have

78
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,960
Speaker 1: to have this weight to it just because you're lonely.

79
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:19,039
Speaker 1: When it comes to romance and romantic relationships, we don't

80
00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:21,560
Speaker 1: have to demonize things that bring us some sadness or

81
00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:26,039
Speaker 1: some jealousy or some loneliness. We can just accept them

82
00:04:26,279 --> 00:04:28,440
Speaker 1: and have both. Like I can enjoy this day and

83
00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:31,560
Speaker 1: also feel sad that it could be different, or I

84
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:33,760
Speaker 1: wish it was different, but I can still enjoy it,

85
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:36,920
Speaker 1: just like when you go on a walk and it's

86
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,800
Speaker 1: really coold outside, you can still enjoy the walk even

87
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:43,080
Speaker 1: though you wish the weather was different. Weird comparison, but

88
00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:47,160
Speaker 1: we're gonna go with it now. Full disclosure, Full disclosure.

89
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:51,359
Speaker 1: I originally wanted to make this episode to this episode

90
00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:54,080
Speaker 1: of ten things being a Therapist has taught me about

91
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:58,400
Speaker 1: romantic relationships. Well, I wanted to make this episode ten

92
00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:01,960
Speaker 1: things being a Therapist me about love. But then I

93
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:03,880
Speaker 1: started thinking about love and what it is, and I

94
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:07,479
Speaker 1: started to get very dizzy because what is love? What

95
00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:10,239
Speaker 1: would we define love as? Love is a very weird

96
00:05:10,279 --> 00:05:12,880
Speaker 1: word and thing. There are different kinds of love, and

97
00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:16,480
Speaker 1: also there's the emotional experience of love, and that's different

98
00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:19,600
Speaker 1: than the choice to engage in loving someone. And then

99
00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,960
Speaker 1: there are these arguments between love being a feeling or

100
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,400
Speaker 1: love is a choice. And to be honest, I think

101
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,159
Speaker 1: that love has a lot of different meanings. But because

102
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,800
Speaker 1: we don't talk about that, and then it becomes a

103
00:05:28,839 --> 00:05:31,920
Speaker 1: debait has to be one or the other. And I

104
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:34,880
Speaker 1: was doing some research as I was preparing for this episode,

105
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:37,000
Speaker 1: and it's all over the place for starters. If you

106
00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:39,240
Speaker 1: do a Google search like what is love, one of

107
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:41,640
Speaker 1: the first things you'll read is and this is the

108
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:43,559
Speaker 1: first thing that popped up when I did a Google search.

109
00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:47,280
Speaker 1: Some researchers suggests that love is a basic human emotion,

110
00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:50,320
Speaker 1: just like happiness or anger. Why others believe that it's

111
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:53,760
Speaker 1: a cultural phenomenon that arises partly due to social pressures

112
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:57,680
Speaker 1: and expectations. And while I do agree with the idea

113
00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:00,880
Speaker 1: that love is more of an action rather than a feeling.

114
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,200
Speaker 1: And I don't think that we fall in love. I

115
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:07,240
Speaker 1: don't think it's an accident. You don't trip into it accidentally. Rather,

116
00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:09,640
Speaker 1: love becomes a choice we make based on our feelings

117
00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:13,160
Speaker 1: and experiences. We choose to love someone based on how

118
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:14,960
Speaker 1: we feel about them and what we learn about them

119
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,000
Speaker 1: and what we know about them. And I believe that

120
00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:20,720
Speaker 1: we confuse this with lust and awe, and we use

121
00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:23,640
Speaker 1: being in love as an excuse to stay in unhealthy

122
00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:28,000
Speaker 1: relationships that can end up deteriorating our mental health. However,

123
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:31,880
Speaker 1: it's more complicated than this paragraph of words that I'm

124
00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:34,760
Speaker 1: speaking to you. If you want like a visual of

125
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:37,000
Speaker 1: of how I was feeling as I was trying to

126
00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:39,760
Speaker 1: define this. Think about how many different ways you hear

127
00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:43,240
Speaker 1: people talk about love. I love them, I love that thing,

128
00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:45,920
Speaker 1: I was in love, I'm falling in love. I'm choosing

129
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:48,400
Speaker 1: to love them. I love them, but I don't like them.

130
00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:52,880
Speaker 1: I feel love. You are love. God is love? Like

131
00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:57,919
Speaker 1: you know another article that I started reading about, like

132
00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:00,479
Speaker 1: a couple of sentences of it, but it would explaining

133
00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:03,920
Speaker 1: love as a complex mental function, like something that you

134
00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:09,160
Speaker 1: could have compared to like memory or perception or like taste.

135
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:13,160
Speaker 1: It's a feeling, it's an action, it's a mental function.

136
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,160
Speaker 1: It's a new type of exercise. Love is one thousand.

137
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:19,080
Speaker 1: Love is God. God. Is are you spending now to?

138
00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:21,600
Speaker 1: Are you do? Are you feeling when I was feeling?

139
00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:26,200
Speaker 1: So today we're gonna talk about love. It's going to

140
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:29,720
Speaker 1: be in the conversation, but we're talking about romantic relationships,

141
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:33,160
Speaker 1: which in fact involved the feeling of love and the

142
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:36,440
Speaker 1: action of loving someone. Two of the biggest debates about

143
00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:39,120
Speaker 1: what love is now I think most of us have

144
00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:44,000
Speaker 1: gotten down into the idea that society sells us on,

145
00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:47,680
Speaker 1: this idea of love and relationships, and their idea of

146
00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:49,600
Speaker 1: what it is and what they sell us really can

147
00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:51,720
Speaker 1: throw us for a loop. I grew up with this

148
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:54,720
Speaker 1: idea of what love should be like, what relationship should

149
00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:57,360
Speaker 1: be like, what relationships ship feel like, what they should

150
00:07:57,360 --> 00:08:00,840
Speaker 1: look like on the outside. And I felt like I

151
00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,640
Speaker 1: was hit by a truck when I stepped into the

152
00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:06,960
Speaker 1: reality of relationships and dating and partnerships, and have stepped

153
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,520
Speaker 1: into marriage now that I'm seeing the reality of what

154
00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:13,480
Speaker 1: marriage really is. So now we're sitting here with society

155
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:16,800
Speaker 1: and what it's telling us and sending us and putting

156
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:19,560
Speaker 1: in our brains about love and relationships and what they

157
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:21,960
Speaker 1: should look like and be like. When she should we

158
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:25,160
Speaker 1: have them? When should we start to engage in them?

159
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,440
Speaker 1: When should we get married? When should we have all

160
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:31,080
Speaker 1: the stuff we have that? And then also these days

161
00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:33,600
Speaker 1: becoming more and more, we have to fight back towards that,

162
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:36,240
Speaker 1: And then we have to fight back towards now these

163
00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:41,800
Speaker 1: loads of self proclaimed relationship experts and dating coaches telling

164
00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:45,040
Speaker 1: us also how we should feel and what we should

165
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,640
Speaker 1: want in a relationship, and I got asked all the

166
00:08:47,679 --> 00:08:50,800
Speaker 1: time this question about attachment styles and if a certain

167
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:54,520
Speaker 1: style can be with each other. And speaking of attachment styles,

168
00:08:54,559 --> 00:08:57,560
Speaker 1: we just did a whole series on that. We talked

169
00:08:57,559 --> 00:09:00,440
Speaker 1: about attachment theory, the basics of it. Then we did

170
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:03,520
Speaker 1: an episode on avoidant attachment. Then we did an episode

171
00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:06,679
Speaker 1: on anxious attachment. If you haven't listened to those, highly

172
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:09,120
Speaker 1: suggest them go back to the last three weeks. And

173
00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:12,120
Speaker 1: then this Wednesday, The Couch Talks will be an episode

174
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,440
Speaker 1: on the questions you guys sent in about those episodes.

175
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:18,520
Speaker 1: But getting back to what I was saying, I get

176
00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:21,360
Speaker 1: asked all the time like can this style and this

177
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:24,320
Speaker 1: style be in a relationship together? Will this work? And

178
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:27,920
Speaker 1: I have feelings and thoughts on it, but generally my

179
00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:30,920
Speaker 1: answer is it depends on the level of health that

180
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,840
Speaker 1: the people in the relationship want. And I believe that.

181
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:36,560
Speaker 1: And the reason that I answer the question that way

182
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:40,640
Speaker 1: is because I don't necessarily have to agree with a

183
00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:45,040
Speaker 1: relationship that somebody's in or think that it's the optimal

184
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:48,320
Speaker 1: version of a healthy relationship. I don't get to tell

185
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:51,560
Speaker 1: somebody how they should be who they should I don't

186
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,720
Speaker 1: get to tell people that I can if I'm working

187
00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:56,160
Speaker 1: with you, tell you what I see and help you

188
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:59,680
Speaker 1: understand some experiences you're having in a deeper level. But

189
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,120
Speaker 1: if that's the experiences you want to continue to have,

190
00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:03,880
Speaker 1: you get to choose that, and I don't get to

191
00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:05,679
Speaker 1: choose that for you. I get to ask you what

192
00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:08,280
Speaker 1: they want and how they want to feel, and then

193
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:11,160
Speaker 1: guide them into a space where that's possible. But I

194
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:14,000
Speaker 1: don't get to say this is good, this is bad.

195
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:16,120
Speaker 1: You should want this, you should want that, because we

196
00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:18,920
Speaker 1: all want different things, and just because I might want

197
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:22,360
Speaker 1: this level of health, you might not, And there's a

198
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:25,480
Speaker 1: whole debate there, but we're not getting into that today.

199
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:35,880
Speaker 1: So what I have done is compiled a list of

200
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:38,600
Speaker 1: ten things that working in this field has taught me

201
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:41,480
Speaker 1: about relationships. I'm not going to tell you who to

202
00:10:41,559 --> 00:10:43,920
Speaker 1: date how to date them, but I am going to

203
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,240
Speaker 1: tell you a couple of things that I've learned now

204
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,600
Speaker 1: that I've stepped outside of you know, the fairy tales

205
00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:52,880
Speaker 1: of Disney, although those are quite nice, would be nice

206
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:56,400
Speaker 1: to live in that to an extent. To an extent,

207
00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:01,679
Speaker 1: I think that the feminist in me wouldn't necessarily thrive

208
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,640
Speaker 1: in Beauty and the Beast. Maybe in some of the

209
00:11:04,679 --> 00:11:08,240
Speaker 1: newer ones in Kanto, I would thrive. Marybell, I am

210
00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:12,840
Speaker 1: with you. I am you actually anyway. I've compiled a

211
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,840
Speaker 1: list of ten things I have learned from being a

212
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:21,319
Speaker 1: therapist about relationships when it comes to romantic relationships, and

213
00:11:21,559 --> 00:11:24,199
Speaker 1: they're actually not even based on my personal dating experience.

214
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:27,680
Speaker 1: They're based on my experience of working as a mental

215
00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:31,439
Speaker 1: health professional and the expertise that I've gained in that realm.

216
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:34,679
Speaker 1: Because you, guys, if you are avid listener to the podcast,

217
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:37,839
Speaker 1: you might know that one of my personal missions right

218
00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:41,719
Speaker 1: now is to spread the message and spread it is

219
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:44,959
Speaker 1: far and wide as I can. That personal experience does

220
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:49,040
Speaker 1: not equal expertise. So I present to you ten things

221
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:53,240
Speaker 1: being a therapist has taught me about romantic relationships, all right.

222
00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:57,920
Speaker 1: Number one, they can be both good and hard. They

223
00:11:57,920 --> 00:11:59,920
Speaker 1: don't have be one or the other. A relationship being

224
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:03,760
Speaker 1: easy or hard doesn't mean it's right or wrong. I'm

225
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:06,320
Speaker 1: sure that most of us have heard the phrase that

226
00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:08,839
Speaker 1: sounds something like or heard a version of this, the

227
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:11,040
Speaker 1: phrase that sounds something like, when you find the right one,

228
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:15,280
Speaker 1: it just should be easy, And it's just not that simple.

229
00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:18,640
Speaker 1: First of all, what does easy even even mean? I

230
00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:22,079
Speaker 1: feel like that's up for debate, and that's subjective term

231
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:24,480
Speaker 1: and based on our past, what one person thinks is

232
00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:28,280
Speaker 1: easy or normal in a relationship can be world's different

233
00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:32,000
Speaker 1: than someone else because our arousal templates for conflict and

234
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:36,320
Speaker 1: pain can be very different and very greatly depending on

235
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:40,320
Speaker 1: our individual experiences. So this is just problematic from the

236
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:44,520
Speaker 1: get go. And also for someone who has an avoidant

237
00:12:44,559 --> 00:12:47,640
Speaker 1: leaning attachment style, this really puts them in a bind

238
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:51,760
Speaker 1: because stay in a secure relationship is terrifying a k a.

239
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:54,679
Speaker 1: Not easy, but they have to learn to stay in

240
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:58,160
Speaker 1: a relationship for them to move towards a secure attachment style,

241
00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:01,560
Speaker 1: so they can't win. And while I don't think the

242
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:04,920
Speaker 1: sentiment behind this is ill intentioned, it can give both

243
00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:09,040
Speaker 1: unrealistic expectations and excuses for people to get out of

244
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:13,600
Speaker 1: relationships when they're actually great. And what makes a little

245
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:18,120
Speaker 1: more sense here is that healthy relationships should feel consistent.

246
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:24,040
Speaker 1: I like that idea more than easy, but consistency is

247
00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:28,480
Speaker 1: something that is less subjective than easy. Consistency is keen

248
00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:31,840
Speaker 1: a lot of things, especially relationships that helps us feel safe.

249
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:34,720
Speaker 1: Eventually we know what to expect and I think this

250
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:37,600
Speaker 1: is generally what people mean when they throw this idea

251
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:41,280
Speaker 1: out there. But words do matter, consistency, I don't have

252
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,120
Speaker 1: to wonder. There are no games. So when you're in

253
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:48,160
Speaker 1: a relationship and if you're wondering, how should this feel consistent?

254
00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:51,400
Speaker 1: Which might feel boring? And we talked about that in

255
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,800
Speaker 1: the attachment episode. So am I gonna go back into

256
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:57,720
Speaker 1: that just to go listen to that episode, the Anxious one?

257
00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:00,360
Speaker 1: I think we talked about relationships being born. Okay, so

258
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,959
Speaker 1: that's number one. Let's go to number two. There is

259
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:07,600
Speaker 1: no perfect relationship or perfect partner, and that brings us

260
00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:11,520
Speaker 1: to the myth of the soul mate, the other half,

261
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:17,600
Speaker 1: the perfect pair. Again sounds awesome. Again, unrealistic, This sounds beautiful,

262
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:20,920
Speaker 1: and it also sets us up for a lot of

263
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:24,600
Speaker 1: disappointment and gives us as well excuses to walk away

264
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:28,040
Speaker 1: from really great relationships. It also throws us into a

265
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:31,440
Speaker 1: comparison game. Right, So one of my favorite exercises to

266
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:34,160
Speaker 1: do with clients is make them make a list of

267
00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:37,360
Speaker 1: twenty things they're looking for in a partner. Then I

268
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,480
Speaker 1: asked them to make narrow it down to ten. Then

269
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:41,040
Speaker 1: after we do that, I asked them to narrow it

270
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,640
Speaker 1: down to five, and then after we do that, I've

271
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:46,160
Speaker 1: asked him to narrow down three. Usually by the time

272
00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:47,920
Speaker 1: we get to three, they're like, are you kidding me?

273
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:53,480
Speaker 1: And it can be excruciating, like a really painful process,

274
00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:56,880
Speaker 1: but I tend to find kind of the same thing

275
00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:00,480
Speaker 1: every time I do this with somebody. There things that

276
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:02,480
Speaker 1: I want, and there are things that I need in

277
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:05,680
Speaker 1: a relationship, and I don't need all the things that

278
00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:10,240
Speaker 1: I want. So we're not going to find the perfect

279
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:13,320
Speaker 1: person that has all twenty of these things. I'm going

280
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:16,640
Speaker 1: to find the person that fits appropriately. They have the

281
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:19,000
Speaker 1: things that I which I call these. When we get

282
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,520
Speaker 1: onto three, I was like, those are your non negotiables.

283
00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:23,560
Speaker 1: You don't get to have twenty. That's a lot of

284
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:28,520
Speaker 1: not negotiables, But those three, those are your yes and

285
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:31,800
Speaker 1: your nose. We have the idea of the perfect partner.

286
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,280
Speaker 1: We are looking for the twenty, but we can be

287
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:38,960
Speaker 1: really really happy and really really satisfied with three. And

288
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:41,520
Speaker 1: when we say that there's a soul mate, we tell

289
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:45,359
Speaker 1: ourselves that we can have all twenty. All right. Number three,

290
00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:49,280
Speaker 1: it's human nature to feel loneliness and want a partner

291
00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:51,840
Speaker 1: we know this by now, I hope if you listen

292
00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:54,600
Speaker 1: to the podcast often, like it is part of being

293
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:57,680
Speaker 1: a human to feel loneliness, and as part of being

294
00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:00,880
Speaker 1: a human to desire connection with somebody, to want a

295
00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:04,320
Speaker 1: partnership with somebody. It's not a weakness in you, this

296
00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:07,160
Speaker 1: desire to date somebody or have a it's not a

297
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:10,040
Speaker 1: weakness in you. That doesn't mean that you're needy. Actually,

298
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:13,640
Speaker 1: I mean it kind of does mean you're needy. It

299
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:15,960
Speaker 1: doesn't mean you're too needy. It just means your needs,

300
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:18,880
Speaker 1: relational needs. That's a good thing. We're wired to want this.

301
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:22,840
Speaker 1: We were created to want this, and we also work

302
00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:26,120
Speaker 1: conditioned socially and culturally to want this, Like that's how

303
00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:30,560
Speaker 1: our world is set up with partnerships. And then what's

304
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:34,040
Speaker 1: funny about this? Not funny? Annoying, frustrating? We get this

305
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:37,280
Speaker 1: weird feedback from people who usually have partners, who are

306
00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:41,080
Speaker 1: usually in relationships, which is a I want to say

307
00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:44,360
Speaker 1: funny thing about this funny thing, but it's also just

308
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:48,040
Speaker 1: annoying as well. Um, But we get this feedback from

309
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:50,400
Speaker 1: people that are in relationships a lot or single people

310
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:54,520
Speaker 1: get this feedback that you need to become fully independent

311
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:57,280
Speaker 1: and self reliant and learn to not want a partner

312
00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:01,200
Speaker 1: to find one. What. First of all, I don't think

313
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:06,240
Speaker 1: we can just anybody can will themselves to change their desires. Technically,

314
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:09,080
Speaker 1: there's an argument there we can condition ourselves, but in

315
00:17:09,119 --> 00:17:11,680
Speaker 1: a sense, but underneath all of that conditioning will be

316
00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:14,520
Speaker 1: an innate desire that will just be covered up and

317
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:19,080
Speaker 1: oftentimes off putting defense mechanisms. So I just want people

318
00:17:19,119 --> 00:17:22,600
Speaker 1: to know that it is okay, and you are created

319
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:24,800
Speaker 1: to want this, so you don't have to pretend like

320
00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:27,439
Speaker 1: you don't to get it. That is one of the

321
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:30,840
Speaker 1: weirdest things in pieces of advice I have heard in

322
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:33,200
Speaker 1: my life. And then I continue to hear people give

323
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:35,840
Speaker 1: like you just have to not want it and you

324
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:39,040
Speaker 1: have to go just be in love with yourself. No,

325
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:41,159
Speaker 1: you can do both, because I'm sure half of the

326
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:44,959
Speaker 1: people that are saying that weren't fully independent and totally

327
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:47,520
Speaker 1: in love with themselves and who they when they found

328
00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:51,959
Speaker 1: their partner. Number Four, Intimacy is built with time and

329
00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:56,359
Speaker 1: not just by information. So who has been on a

330
00:17:56,480 --> 00:18:00,320
Speaker 1: date that ends up lasting for hours? You meet them

331
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:03,159
Speaker 1: and you start talking about like the weather or something

332
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:05,919
Speaker 1: like random and what you do for work and the

333
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:09,520
Speaker 1: typical things, and then like thirty minutes later, you're like

334
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:13,520
Speaker 1: two or three tequila sodas and processing your childhood trauma.

335
00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:16,439
Speaker 1: You're like, how did we get here? You leave, not

336
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:20,199
Speaker 1: thirty minutes later. Hours later, you leave thinking, Wow, that

337
00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:23,680
Speaker 1: felt so easy, shout out to number one. I felt

338
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:26,919
Speaker 1: so relaxed, which also could be to the fact that

339
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,840
Speaker 1: you've been drinking um at this point. And then you

340
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:32,040
Speaker 1: spend the evening after you get home texting until you

341
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:34,160
Speaker 1: fall asleep, and then you follow sleep with your phone

342
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:35,600
Speaker 1: in your hand and you wake up to a text

343
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:38,639
Speaker 1: that reads good morning, and this fairytale thing happens, and

344
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,080
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, we just like went so deep and

345
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:44,480
Speaker 1: such a short amount of time, and he just knows

346
00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:46,400
Speaker 1: me and I know him, and we just get each other.

347
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:50,560
Speaker 1: That's not intimacy. That is not intimacy. Over and over

348
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,320
Speaker 1: I joke about how I'll go on dates with people,

349
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:56,159
Speaker 1: and a lot of times there are dates that I

350
00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:59,320
Speaker 1: don't know much about this person before I go on

351
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:02,040
Speaker 1: a date with them, and then I leave with their

352
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:06,120
Speaker 1: entire life story. Entire life story, like the deep dark

353
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:09,000
Speaker 1: secrets that you don't tell anybody else. And I know

354
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:11,440
Speaker 1: everything about them, and they maybe know, like what my

355
00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:14,639
Speaker 1: favorite color is, which is purple, if you were wondering.

356
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:19,120
Speaker 1: I even now attempt to keep my job a secret,

357
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:22,000
Speaker 1: not like a secret, but I don't like really lead

358
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:24,600
Speaker 1: with that and try to keep that under wraps as

359
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,960
Speaker 1: long as I can, because I thought, maybe, well, maybe

360
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:30,359
Speaker 1: that's happening because people I'm a therapist and they feel

361
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:34,200
Speaker 1: safe and they can trauma dump with me because men

362
00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:37,320
Speaker 1: already have a hard time sharing and being open and

363
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:41,240
Speaker 1: expressing things, and so I'm a woman and I am

364
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:44,399
Speaker 1: a therapist, so it's like safe and safe. And you know,

365
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:49,000
Speaker 1: I don't think that is fully why it's happening. I

366
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:51,280
Speaker 1: don't think it's just because of my job title. I

367
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,080
Speaker 1: do think that was part of it. It It could be

368
00:19:53,119 --> 00:19:55,040
Speaker 1: part of it. And I do think that men don't

369
00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:57,520
Speaker 1: have a lot of space to process emotions, yet they

370
00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:00,600
Speaker 1: desperately want a need to. But I also think this

371
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:02,439
Speaker 1: is due to the fact that we really don't know

372
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:05,840
Speaker 1: how to create true intimacy in our world. We're not

373
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:08,199
Speaker 1: taught how to do that. A one night stand is

374
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:11,520
Speaker 1: not intimacy, that's sex. And while sex is something that

375
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:16,040
Speaker 1: helps create a deeper sense of intimacy and bonding in relationships.

376
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:19,280
Speaker 1: You can't create a deeper sense of intimacy if you

377
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:22,360
Speaker 1: don't have a level of intimacy created to begin with.

378
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,800
Speaker 1: Trust is part of an intimate relationship, and when we

379
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:28,240
Speaker 1: know somebody for a week, we don't have the experiences

380
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:31,760
Speaker 1: to build our trust on that we need. And then

381
00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:35,800
Speaker 1: vulnerability is at play here too. Write what is vulnerability?

382
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:39,120
Speaker 1: It's shown up with your whole self, inviting in the unknown.

383
00:20:40,119 --> 00:20:43,800
Speaker 1: And when we trauma dump, we can bypass vulnerability in

384
00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:46,520
Speaker 1: a really weird way, Like I don't really know you,

385
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:49,080
Speaker 1: so the stakes are low. I tell you all my

386
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:52,479
Speaker 1: deepest things, and then you're like, you're not for me.

387
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:57,320
Speaker 1: Not a huge loss, there's not much invested. I don't

388
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,800
Speaker 1: even really trust you yet. And I also might have

389
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:01,800
Speaker 1: the believe that my stuff is so weird and big

390
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:04,239
Speaker 1: and bad that no one will love me anyway. So

391
00:21:04,359 --> 00:21:07,640
Speaker 1: this end quotes vulnerability is really a way to end

392
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:11,840
Speaker 1: this before my feelings are actually involved. It's not vulnerability

393
00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:14,880
Speaker 1: at all. It's a strategy to avoid that. And then

394
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,520
Speaker 1: if I do build a relationship with you, I already

395
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:19,639
Speaker 1: did the thing, already told you all the stuff, so

396
00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:22,560
Speaker 1: I don't have to be vulnerable anymore. So what I'm

397
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:25,480
Speaker 1: saying really is in this whole thing is that intimacy

398
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:28,399
Speaker 1: doesn't happen by snapping your fingers. It happens by investing

399
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:39,240
Speaker 1: in a relationship. Number five. I forget where I read

400
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:42,280
Speaker 1: this the first time, but I really liked this phrasing,

401
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:46,000
Speaker 1: so I'm gonna use it. Love is like peeling an onion.

402
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:49,080
Speaker 1: It's not like biting an apple. And we tell ourselves

403
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:51,879
Speaker 1: we're in love with someone when what we mean is

404
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:54,800
Speaker 1: that we're infatuated with them, right, we really like them,

405
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,879
Speaker 1: we feel a sense of lust, we're lusting over someone.

406
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:02,359
Speaker 1: We're not necessarily loving them. Yet loving someone is really hard.

407
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:05,960
Speaker 1: Lust well, that feels really good all the time, like

408
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:09,320
Speaker 1: like a fun drug. The first layer of a relationship

409
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:12,560
Speaker 1: is not love. It can't be that. Like love at

410
00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:16,879
Speaker 1: first sight not totally a thing. You might have some

411
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:20,080
Speaker 1: really cool feelings at first sight and then that turns

412
00:22:20,119 --> 00:22:22,720
Speaker 1: into something else. But I think that's a myth that

413
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:26,639
Speaker 1: really screws with people because we go on these dates

414
00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:29,200
Speaker 1: or when we meet people were getting relationships and we're like, oh,

415
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:32,280
Speaker 1: there weren't fireworks the first time I met them, And

416
00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:37,320
Speaker 1: it's like, well, that's okay, that's okay. I didn't fall

417
00:22:37,359 --> 00:22:39,000
Speaker 1: in love with them at first sight, and I want

418
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,920
Speaker 1: that fairy tale. Well, the reason that it's a fairy

419
00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:45,119
Speaker 1: tales because it's not real. So love happens when you

420
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:47,720
Speaker 1: peel layers back. Love happens when you get to know somebody,

421
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:50,159
Speaker 1: when you see who they are, not just when you

422
00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:53,280
Speaker 1: see what somebody's projecting or what you see what somebody

423
00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:56,200
Speaker 1: wants you to see, when you really see them, going

424
00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:59,720
Speaker 1: back to the one before, Like intimacy, there was a

425
00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:02,119
Speaker 1: fair piste at His name is Bobby Chapman. He was

426
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:04,600
Speaker 1: a therapist at the treatment center that I worked at,

427
00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:08,399
Speaker 1: and he would always say, intimacy into me, you see,

428
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:11,960
Speaker 1: to explain intimacy, like, intimacy is when you really see me,

429
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:14,720
Speaker 1: you can see inside my soul, not just you don't

430
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:18,480
Speaker 1: just like see my face. So love is not biting

431
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:23,520
Speaker 1: into an apple. So number six, I have to swallow

432
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:27,080
Speaker 1: my pride a little bit, which, to be honest, isn't

433
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:30,560
Speaker 1: as dramatic as I just made it sound. I feel

434
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:32,680
Speaker 1: like I do this kind of often. But years ago,

435
00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:34,560
Speaker 1: a couple of years ago, I posted this quote and

436
00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:37,720
Speaker 1: I will forever cringe at myself, but I cringe with

437
00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:40,119
Speaker 1: grace because I believe that changing our minds is a

438
00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:42,240
Speaker 1: great thing, and we can do that when we get

439
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:45,760
Speaker 1: more information, and I've gotten more information through being in

440
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:48,359
Speaker 1: this field longer. And it's something that a lot of

441
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:51,280
Speaker 1: people have probably heard. I don't know where I originally

442
00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:53,920
Speaker 1: heard it, but I hear it pretty often now, and

443
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:57,359
Speaker 1: the phrases, if someone wants to be with you, they will.

444
00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:02,040
Speaker 1: If they don't, you'll be confused. And it's not totally wrong.

445
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:06,159
Speaker 1: It's not totally right. I get the sentiment and I

446
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:09,000
Speaker 1: get what it's getting at, but it's not all encompassing.

447
00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:12,840
Speaker 1: So I want to change it to number six. If

448
00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,760
Speaker 1: someone wants to be with you, it doesn't necessarily mean

449
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:18,280
Speaker 1: they will, But if someone has the ability to be

450
00:24:18,359 --> 00:24:21,480
Speaker 1: with you and they want to be with you, they will. Again,

451
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:24,120
Speaker 1: too many factors here to make like a blanket statement

452
00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:25,800
Speaker 1: like this and then have it be like the hill

453
00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:28,240
Speaker 1: you want to die on. And I wanted to include

454
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:30,320
Speaker 1: this because I think a lot of people need to

455
00:24:30,359 --> 00:24:33,639
Speaker 1: hear that sometimes it really is true that it's not you,

456
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:36,800
Speaker 1: it's them. Now, this does not mean that you should

457
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:41,280
Speaker 1: force the relationship, and it's okay, if they just don't

458
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:43,959
Speaker 1: like you too, like that's a thing that it's that's okay.

459
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:48,960
Speaker 1: But there is true to that cliche statement. Sometimes, and truly,

460
00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:50,800
Speaker 1: I've wanted to make things work with people and then

461
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:53,480
Speaker 1: it just couldn't work, not because they didn't like them,

462
00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:56,520
Speaker 1: because either I wasn't in a place, or they were

463
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:58,639
Speaker 1: in a place, or there was another factor going on.

464
00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:03,160
Speaker 1: So if someone wants to be with you doesn't necessarily

465
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:05,440
Speaker 1: mean they will. But if someone has the ability to

466
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:07,320
Speaker 1: be with you and they want to be with you,

467
00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:12,760
Speaker 1: they will. Number seven. Timing does matter, but there's no

468
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:16,679
Speaker 1: such thing as perfect timing. And this debate annoys me

469
00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:19,720
Speaker 1: almost as much as the debate of one is love.

470
00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:22,560
Speaker 1: That doesn't annoy me. That just makes me dizzy. It's

471
00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:25,880
Speaker 1: not one or the other, like timing or timing doesn't matter.

472
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:27,720
Speaker 1: Timing is not a thing like it is a thing,

473
00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:31,840
Speaker 1: But there's not perfect timing. Sometimes we meet the right

474
00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:34,120
Speaker 1: people at the wrong time. Sometimes we meet the wrong

475
00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:36,520
Speaker 1: people at the right time. Sometimes we have to make

476
00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:41,359
Speaker 1: choices because we actually, contrary to society's agenda, can't do

477
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:44,480
Speaker 1: it all. Relationships take time and we need to build them.

478
00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:47,639
Speaker 1: We also need time to heal from past relationships. Our

479
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:52,080
Speaker 1: relationships affect all aspects of our lives, so timing does matter.

480
00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:56,400
Speaker 1: It could make or break a situation or a relationship.

481
00:25:56,960 --> 00:26:00,000
Speaker 1: But we also can't wait for perfect timing to engage

482
00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:03,119
Speaker 1: in those things or to end those things. Though, Oh God,

483
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:07,040
Speaker 1: whoever needs to hear this, there will never be perfect timing.

484
00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:09,320
Speaker 1: There will never be the right time to end a

485
00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:12,720
Speaker 1: relationship that you want to leave. There's always going to

486
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:14,960
Speaker 1: be a thing. Well, it's the holidays, it's his birthday,

487
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:18,040
Speaker 1: there's a wedding coming up. I'm doing this thing. He

488
00:26:18,119 --> 00:26:21,480
Speaker 1: needs me to watch this. It's just gonna suck. Probably

489
00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:24,000
Speaker 1: I don't have a way to make that any prettier.

490
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:26,440
Speaker 1: So let's move on to number eight. If you don't

491
00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:28,879
Speaker 1: have conflict in your relationship, that can be a red flag.

492
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:33,520
Speaker 1: There is rupture and healthy relationships. There are disagreements, there

493
00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:38,080
Speaker 1: are fights, but there's always repair. Conflict is necessary to

494
00:26:38,119 --> 00:26:41,959
Speaker 1: build intimacy. It really does help. And Amy and I

495
00:26:42,359 --> 00:26:45,720
Speaker 1: on her podcast Four Things with any Brown. If you

496
00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:48,080
Speaker 1: haven't ever listened to that podcast, it's awesome. And I've

497
00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:51,480
Speaker 1: started doing her Tuesday episodes with her where we chat

498
00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:54,720
Speaker 1: about random stuff and A couple of weeks ago, we

499
00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:58,920
Speaker 1: started talking about this episode of Tim Ferriss podcast when

500
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:03,000
Speaker 1: Berne Brown was on, and he said that his girlfriend

501
00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:04,560
Speaker 1: at the time, I don't know if they're still together.

502
00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:07,800
Speaker 1: He described her as always fighting clean. So they fight,

503
00:27:07,920 --> 00:27:11,000
Speaker 1: they just fight clean, they fight kindly. Like we need

504
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:13,879
Speaker 1: to have conflict because it helps us learn about people

505
00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:17,120
Speaker 1: when we have conflict. A lot of times there's a need,

506
00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:20,400
Speaker 1: and I think conflict comes into relationships to help them.

507
00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:23,480
Speaker 1: If we didn't care, then we wouldn't have conflict. We

508
00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:26,080
Speaker 1: would just leave. And also when we have conflict, that

509
00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:28,320
Speaker 1: lets us sit deeper in our own sense of self

510
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:30,960
Speaker 1: and lets us know that we're important in Our things matter,

511
00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:34,520
Speaker 1: our needs matter, our thoughts matter, our feelings matter. So

512
00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:39,360
Speaker 1: if you don't have conflict in your relationship red Flag, however,

513
00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:42,600
Speaker 1: you might need to reorganize what your thought of conflict is.

514
00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:45,480
Speaker 1: And I think that's sometimes why we don't engage in

515
00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:49,439
Speaker 1: conflict because we see it as this big, scary, bad

516
00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:54,240
Speaker 1: monster when it's actually just a normal, healthy part of

517
00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:58,800
Speaker 1: being a human being. Nine. There isn't anything wrong with

518
00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:02,000
Speaker 1: you if you're not in a relationship. And I would

519
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:07,520
Speaker 1: just like to encourage people to stop asking single people

520
00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:14,600
Speaker 1: why they're single, and single people stop asking other people

521
00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:18,359
Speaker 1: why you're single, stop asking yourself why you're single, as

522
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:22,800
Speaker 1: if there is this like big bad answer, because a

523
00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:25,520
Speaker 1: lot of times and we're meaning making people, so we

524
00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:27,800
Speaker 1: want to make sense of everything, and if I knew

525
00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:29,960
Speaker 1: why I was single, then I can fix it. A

526
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:32,760
Speaker 1: lot of times there's just not an answer because you

527
00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:37,080
Speaker 1: just are. Most single people know how frustrating and hurtful

528
00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:41,440
Speaker 1: that question can be. However, every person in a relationship

529
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:44,200
Speaker 1: who asked that question seems to have memory loss because

530
00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:48,000
Speaker 1: they continue to ask that question all the time. Oh,

531
00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:51,840
Speaker 1: you're so beautiful, why are you single? Or you're so successful,

532
00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:54,280
Speaker 1: why are you single? It's like, well, I don't think

533
00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:57,120
Speaker 1: my beauty or my success are reasons why I would

534
00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:59,880
Speaker 1: be in a relationship. It's not who I am. I

535
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:02,480
Speaker 1: hope that's not why you're in a relationship. Somebody was like, oh,

536
00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:04,520
Speaker 1: she makes a lot of money, boom, I want to

537
00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:07,440
Speaker 1: be with her. Or he's hot, boom, I want to

538
00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:09,640
Speaker 1: be with him. Those aren't the reasons why we're in

539
00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:13,680
Speaker 1: or out of relationships. It's who we are, it's who

540
00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:18,640
Speaker 1: were around. It's a lot of factors. Now, shall we

541
00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:22,719
Speaker 1: move to number ten? Number ten? There is not a

542
00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:29,160
Speaker 1: gold standard. We all can have different relationship goals. I

543
00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:31,800
Speaker 1: want somebody who's going to make up dances to we

544
00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:34,400
Speaker 1: don't talk about Bruno. And if you haven't seen Incanto,

545
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:36,640
Speaker 1: this is my second reference to that movie today. Go

546
00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:39,240
Speaker 1: watch it or just go listen to that song. And

547
00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:42,960
Speaker 1: someone else might want someone who can tell every ingredient

548
00:29:43,120 --> 00:29:45,280
Speaker 1: of a bottle of wine by the first drop that

549
00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:47,680
Speaker 1: lands on their tongue. That might be something that they

550
00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:51,040
Speaker 1: want in relationship that they think is really cool. Someone

551
00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:54,440
Speaker 1: might want a partnership that includes juggling four kids and

552
00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:57,120
Speaker 1: two full time careers, and another may want to build

553
00:29:57,200 --> 00:30:00,320
Speaker 1: a business together child free with their partner. Gonna be

554
00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:03,720
Speaker 1: different goals for different people, and you can develop your

555
00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:06,600
Speaker 1: own relationship goals. You get to ask yourself, what do

556
00:30:06,680 --> 00:30:09,640
Speaker 1: I want versus what I am told is good? What

557
00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:12,240
Speaker 1: I am told is goals. You can look inward, and

558
00:30:12,280 --> 00:30:16,200
Speaker 1: I want to encourage everybody, whether you're in a relationship

559
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:18,680
Speaker 1: or out of a relationship. Right now, I want you

560
00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:21,120
Speaker 1: to look at what are my relationship goals? Not the

561
00:30:21,160 --> 00:30:24,040
Speaker 1: goals that I see on TikTok, not the goals that

562
00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:26,680
Speaker 1: I see on Instagram, not the goals that I see

563
00:30:26,760 --> 00:30:31,720
Speaker 1: in the new romantic comedy on Netflix. What would my

564
00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:34,160
Speaker 1: relationship goals be? Because at the end of the day,

565
00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:36,000
Speaker 1: you're the one that's going to be sitting in that relationship.

566
00:30:36,240 --> 00:30:38,600
Speaker 1: So if you don't want somebody who's going to be

567
00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:41,120
Speaker 1: asking to make a core giograph dance with you on

568
00:30:41,160 --> 00:30:44,640
Speaker 1: a Friday night to a Disney song, then that doesn't

569
00:30:44,680 --> 00:30:49,080
Speaker 1: have to be your goal. And that's okay. Now that

570
00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:54,560
Speaker 1: wraps up our special Valentine's Day episode. I hope that

571
00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:57,640
Speaker 1: was helpful in some way for you guys. As always,

572
00:30:57,680 --> 00:31:00,480
Speaker 1: that's my hope, and I want to mind you guys

573
00:31:00,520 --> 00:31:02,479
Speaker 1: that if you ever have questions, if things pop up

574
00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:05,200
Speaker 1: while you're listening or just in your life, you can

575
00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:09,320
Speaker 1: email me those questions Catherine at you Need Therapy podcast

576
00:31:09,520 --> 00:31:12,960
Speaker 1: dot com, and you can follow the podcast at you

577
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:16,000
Speaker 1: Need Therapy Podcast and you can follow me at Cat

578
00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:19,760
Speaker 1: dot de fata on Instagram, and you can also rate

579
00:31:19,840 --> 00:31:22,560
Speaker 1: the podcast if you haven't. I am just going to

580
00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:26,280
Speaker 1: ask you for a nice Valentine's Day favor scroll to

581
00:31:26,280 --> 00:31:29,200
Speaker 1: the bottom of Apple Podcasts and just give us as

582
00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:31,959
Speaker 1: many stars as you can I would appreciate that, And

583
00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:33,640
Speaker 1: you can leave a little note if you want to,

584
00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:37,000
Speaker 1: and if you love this episode or any episodes, we'd

585
00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:39,200
Speaker 1: also love it if you shared them on Instagram and

586
00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:41,080
Speaker 1: tagged us. It makes me really happy when I can

587
00:31:41,120 --> 00:31:44,160
Speaker 1: see people are listening and enjoying what we're putting out.

588
00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:47,080
Speaker 1: So I love you, guys. What do I mean by love?

589
00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:50,880
Speaker 1: I appreciate you guys a lot, and I appreciate you

590
00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:53,720
Speaker 1: listening and being with me in whatever it is that

591
00:31:53,800 --> 00:31:56,520
Speaker 1: I tend to put out every week. So I hope

592
00:31:56,520 --> 00:31:58,000
Speaker 1: you guys have the day you need to have, have

593
00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:01,440
Speaker 1: the Valentine's Day you need to have. You can be

594
00:32:01,520 --> 00:32:03,840
Speaker 1: obsessed with it, you can hate it, you can have

595
00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:05,920
Speaker 1: a mixture of both. But know that it doesn't have

596
00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:07,840
Speaker 1: to be all bad and doesn't have to be all good.

597
00:32:08,120 --> 00:32:09,800
Speaker 1: It can be what you need to have today. So

598
00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:12,320
Speaker 1: I will talk to you guys on Wednesday, and uh,

599
00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:14,400
Speaker 1: I guess I'll just wrap this up by