WEBVTT - Part One: Napoleon III: The Worst Bonaparte 0:00:02.680 --> 0:00:08.879 Oh yeah, God damn, it's behind the Bastard's the only 0:00:09.000 --> 0:00:12.000 podcast on the internet. If you have ever listened to 0:00:12.039 --> 0:00:17.120 another podcast, No you have not that schizophrenia. Sorry, sorry 0:00:17.160 --> 0:00:22.440 to tell you this way. That's the radio show. This 0:00:22.520 --> 0:00:24.680 is a podcast about the worst people in all of history. 0:00:24.720 --> 0:00:27.120 And to help me talk about a real son of 0:00:27.160 --> 0:00:30.120 a bitch, I have Matt Leeb, one of the best 0:00:30.120 --> 0:00:33.280 people in all of history. That's right. I'm back, maybe 0:00:33.479 --> 0:00:36.320 so happy to be here. I am now a dad. 0:00:37.479 --> 0:00:41.520 I am yes, so your official legal nickname is now 0:00:41.600 --> 0:00:44.720 Matt Daddy Leeb. Yeah. So if you just call me 0:00:44.880 --> 0:00:50.120 Daddy on the internet, I'd appreciate it. Um to be back, guys. Um. 0:00:50.120 --> 0:00:54.400 Just a reminder, I am part of the creator of 0:00:54.440 --> 0:00:58.080 the world's only The Wire podcast pod yourself The Wire, 0:00:58.840 --> 0:01:02.360 So listen that. Give us five stars in review and 0:01:02.480 --> 0:01:06.080 you'll enjoy it. Did I do? That's my soundboard. I 0:01:06.080 --> 0:01:09.040 won't do that too much a promise. Goddamn right, Oh 0:01:09.080 --> 0:01:13.959 I forgot, we have a soundboard when you're here. Incredible, incredible, 0:01:14.000 --> 0:01:20.959 all the wire drops, Baby's amazing. I was just talking 0:01:21.000 --> 0:01:25.160 about McNulty and how I'm outraged that he is Prince 0:01:25.280 --> 0:01:28.520 Charles in the Crown because he's way too handsome, he's 0:01:28.560 --> 0:01:33.160 way too awesome. But I am kind of enjoying watching 0:01:33.240 --> 0:01:38.440 McNulty in his natural accent because I haven't heard him 0:01:38.880 --> 0:01:42.160 do his actual like, oh that's what he's that's what 0:01:42.240 --> 0:01:44.920 he sounds like. He's a British guy. Yeah, And on 0:01:44.959 --> 0:01:47.760 the Wire he's just like, oh god, you just it's 0:01:47.840 --> 0:01:50.920 like sometimes you're like he's crushing it and sometimes he 0:01:51.160 --> 0:01:54.960 is just like way off with the Baltimore accent. So 0:01:55.240 --> 0:01:59.040 it's nice to see him being like Prince chewing gLing year. 0:01:59.640 --> 0:02:01.880 You know, that's that's what he's supposed to sound like, 0:02:02.120 --> 0:02:05.080 not you know, speaking of the Wire, which is set 0:02:05.080 --> 0:02:09.519 in Baltimore, Baltimore compared to where we are, not very 0:02:09.560 --> 0:02:12.680 far from the Great Lakes. And you know what today is, 0:02:12.720 --> 0:02:15.560 you know, this week is matt leeb what it is 0:02:15.600 --> 0:02:20.040 the forty seventh anniversary of the sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald, 0:02:20.080 --> 0:02:23.400 which took twenty six brave men to their deaths at 0:02:23.400 --> 0:02:30.120 the bottom of the world's primary foe, Lake Superior. Remember 0:02:30.160 --> 0:02:33.160 that there's a song about it. Well, the legend lives 0:02:33.200 --> 0:02:38.200 on from the Chippewa on down, you know exactly. Um, 0:02:38.240 --> 0:02:40.560 and I think, Matt, I don't know if we we've 0:02:40.600 --> 0:02:43.280 talked about this, but do you remember in the in 0:02:43.320 --> 0:02:45.520 the in the mid nineteen eighties when the United States 0:02:45.639 --> 0:02:50.200 retired are Titan missile arsenal um. I don't remember that specifically, 0:02:50.760 --> 0:02:53.160 That's not my number one thought about the eighties, but 0:02:53.480 --> 0:02:55.959 sounds like the Titan was the largest I C B 0:02:56.160 --> 0:02:59.480 M ever used or ever deployed. Um. It had a 0:02:59.560 --> 0:03:01.720 nine meg a ton nuclear warhead. It was the most 0:03:01.720 --> 0:03:04.600 single most powerful nuclear weapon in US history. And we 0:03:04.600 --> 0:03:06.680 we got rid of them because number one, they were expensive. 0:03:06.680 --> 0:03:08.080 A number two, a bunch of them wound up an 0:03:08.120 --> 0:03:11.800 accidents that almost killed millions of people in some bullshit. Anyway, 0:03:12.120 --> 0:03:16.520 My my, my proposal, Matt, we build a shipload more Titans, 0:03:17.040 --> 0:03:19.280 and we fire all those sons of bitches off at 0:03:19.360 --> 0:03:23.240 Lake Superior until that's until it's a goddamn canyon, until 0:03:23.240 --> 0:03:28.799 that whole fucking lake is a skate park. That's right, motherfucker. 0:03:28.880 --> 0:03:32.040 Come on, you think you're so great, Well, how do 0:03:32.080 --> 0:03:36.119 you like having no water? That's because we boiled it out. Yeah, 0:03:36.200 --> 0:03:39.160 we boil it out through the Also, I assume if 0:03:39.200 --> 0:03:40.840 we use a nuke to boil all of the water 0:03:40.840 --> 0:03:44.760 out of Lake Superior. The Southwest will get more rain, probably, right. 0:03:44.840 --> 0:03:46.800 That seems like it should solve the problems with the 0:03:46.800 --> 0:03:52.080 Colorado River. We can, it would solve climate change. Yeah, 0:03:52.680 --> 0:03:56.720 it's worth a shot. Right, That's that's why not. That's 0:03:56.760 --> 0:03:59.720 that's gonna be my campaign slogan when I run for presidents. 0:04:00.120 --> 0:04:03.960 Just just in new detonating above Lake Superior. Why not? 0:04:04.160 --> 0:04:06.560 Why not? What do we have to lose? Honestly, if 0:04:06.560 --> 0:04:08.720 the world's ending anyways, we might as well try a 0:04:08.960 --> 0:04:14.240 new Lake Superior model of strategy. Listeners, this has absolutely 0:04:14.280 --> 0:04:16.200 nothing to do with what we're talking about. It has 0:04:16.240 --> 0:04:19.000 a little bit to do with what we're talking about today. Sophie, 0:04:19.440 --> 0:04:25.200 please explain how Lake Superior well, Sophie superior by taking 0:04:25.240 --> 0:04:28.800 the name Superior, putting on airs that it's better than 0:04:28.800 --> 0:04:30.520 the rest of us, and you know who else thinks 0:04:30.520 --> 0:04:35.480 they're better than the rest of us? Nazis, hereditary nobility. 0:04:35.520 --> 0:04:38.880 Oh yeah, that's true, that's true. What do you know 0:04:38.920 --> 0:04:45.839 about Napoleon? Wait? Wait, wait the third Love Love Napoleon, 0:04:45.920 --> 0:04:49.160 the third, the Napoleon, the third, I'm a huge Napoleon 0:04:49.200 --> 0:04:52.120 the third. Stam are you are? You are? You I am. 0:04:52.160 --> 0:04:56.320 I mean, you know, maybe I'm not pro Napoleon the Third, 0:04:56.720 --> 0:04:59.120 but I'm a big fan. I like that he's the 0:04:59.200 --> 0:05:02.800 actual small all Napoleon. Uh I like it was. He 0:05:02.880 --> 0:05:06.000 was a lot smaller than than Napoleon Bonaparte, who was 0:05:06.160 --> 0:05:10.040 slightly above average size for the time regular uh o G. 0:05:10.320 --> 0:05:13.760 Napoleon was like a regular guy, like regular size guy, 0:05:14.200 --> 0:05:17.000 just with a funny accent. Whereas like Napoleon the Third 0:05:17.160 --> 0:05:20.039 is the one who was actually small, and he's also 0:05:20.160 --> 0:05:23.160 the one who was like, uh, you know, he was 0:05:23.200 --> 0:05:27.000 what the first president of of of France and then 0:05:27.040 --> 0:05:31.280 immediately became the the second Emperor of France. Like it's 0:05:31.320 --> 0:05:35.039 he's he's a fascinating guy. He's a fascinating that he 0:05:34.960 --> 0:05:40.560 is the his facial hair was huge mess one who 0:05:40.560 --> 0:05:44.520 was facial hair one of the most influential dudes whoever lived. 0:05:45.680 --> 0:05:47.760 Most people, including like when I started this, I I 0:05:47.800 --> 0:05:50.760 knew some about him. I did not realize how much 0:05:50.800 --> 0:05:53.760 of the modern world was built because of this guy's fumbling, 0:05:54.120 --> 0:05:58.640 Like he created modernity mainly through fucking up and not 0:05:58.720 --> 0:06:03.240 thinking it ain't incredible. Um So there's there's two big 0:06:03.279 --> 0:06:06.040 books that I got through for this, one of which 0:06:06.040 --> 0:06:09.279 sucked in, one of which was pretty good. Um, it's 0:06:09.440 --> 0:06:12.640 the case with nobility. The fun thing about writing about 0:06:12.760 --> 0:06:16.520 hereditary European nobility is that basically every second of their 0:06:16.560 --> 0:06:20.120 lives is documented, right Like you're you're never wondering I 0:06:20.200 --> 0:06:22.280 wonder what was happening in their child? Was like, no, man, 0:06:22.320 --> 0:06:24.880 We've got like forty different letters from like people who 0:06:24.920 --> 0:06:27.560 worked in the house, and like, like we know everything 0:06:27.640 --> 0:06:31.000 about their lives. The downside is that we know everything 0:06:31.040 --> 0:06:33.240 about their lives. So this is going to be a 0:06:33.279 --> 0:06:40.240 four partner Hell yeah, exciting exciting times here before we 0:06:40.279 --> 0:06:42.640 get into Napoleon, I'm gonna, I'm gonna. I'm gonna just 0:06:43.040 --> 0:06:45.120 give a bunch of bena drill to my baby so 0:06:45.160 --> 0:06:47.479 it sleeps for twelve Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what. 0:06:47.560 --> 0:06:49.920 Let's let's both take some benity. Let's I'll do it. 0:06:50.000 --> 0:06:52.360 Let's I'll take some benadrill and hear noises that aren't 0:06:52.360 --> 0:06:55.480 there as a decide. We were hanging out recently with 0:06:55.600 --> 0:06:58.760 Dr Cavahota of the House of Pod, friend of the show, 0:06:59.320 --> 0:07:03.200 and I showed it was him and another doctor friend 0:07:03.200 --> 0:07:04.760 of his who wasn't from out of state and we 0:07:04.760 --> 0:07:07.520 were all drinking together, and I realized they hadn't heard 0:07:07.520 --> 0:07:10.760 about the ben a drill subreddit, where teenagers take insane 0:07:10.840 --> 0:07:13.440 doses of Bena drill in order to hallucinate, and I 0:07:13.480 --> 0:07:17.160 put it up. They were distraught. Was trying to log 0:07:17.200 --> 0:07:20.000 in through my friends to my friends read it account 0:07:20.000 --> 0:07:22.520 to post to warrn people to stop doing what they 0:07:22.960 --> 0:07:25.640 was like, no, no, no, cava. They already took the 0:07:25.680 --> 0:07:28.720 six hundred milligrams have been a drill, that they've done 0:07:28.720 --> 0:07:32.920 what they're doing. I'm so sorry, it's too late. Yeah, well, 0:07:33.160 --> 0:07:35.480 you can't stop this. I didn't know that there was 0:07:35.520 --> 0:07:38.640 a subwreddit about it, subreddit about it. I actually that 0:07:38.840 --> 0:07:42.520 was when I was really really into drugs at one point. 0:07:42.560 --> 0:07:46.880 I was just like looking up what kind of adverse 0:07:46.880 --> 0:07:49.680 effects can happen if you take too much of whatever drug? 0:07:49.720 --> 0:07:52.400 And there's stuff you want to avoid, obviously, like any 0:07:52.560 --> 0:07:57.200 you know, non steroidal anti inflammatories will really fuck you up, 0:07:57.640 --> 0:07:59.520 but you want to win. You want to avoid most 0:07:59.560 --> 0:08:01.880 of the d rugs that are medicine for something else 0:08:02.000 --> 0:08:07.400 unless you take a pile of them. Right, But I 0:08:07.440 --> 0:08:10.360 did read, uh you know back in those days that 0:08:10.680 --> 0:08:12.680 uh yeah, if you take a bunch of bena drill, 0:08:12.840 --> 0:08:17.720 you'll have auditory hallucinations. And I will a bunch and 0:08:17.880 --> 0:08:20.840 I played a whole symphony in my head. It was incredible. 0:08:20.840 --> 0:08:22.800 Well you had a good time, okay, Well, well no, 0:08:23.040 --> 0:08:25.400 then my back though, my spine felt like it was 0:08:25.480 --> 0:08:28.080 vibrating out of my body. It was very painful. It 0:08:28.160 --> 0:08:33.439 wasn't fun, and I think I almost died. But music, Yeah, 0:08:33.600 --> 0:08:38.679 So you know, speaking of music, there's an overture about Napoleon, right, 0:08:38.840 --> 0:08:41.920 like the eighteen twelve overture. So anyway, let's talk about 0:08:42.000 --> 0:08:46.199 Napoleon Bonaparte. One day, we'll do what episodes on Napoleon. 0:08:46.240 --> 0:08:49.480 Obviously he's a fascinating bastard, but we just need to 0:08:49.480 --> 0:08:51.480 go into a little bit of history kind of about 0:08:51.600 --> 0:08:54.240 the later period of his reign because that's where the 0:08:54.280 --> 0:08:57.480 life of Napoleon the Third starts. So in eighteen o eight, 0:08:57.679 --> 0:09:00.760 Napoleon Bonaparte was the Master of Europe. He had been 0:09:00.800 --> 0:09:03.680 born in Corsica, which was on the periphery of French power, 0:09:03.960 --> 0:09:07.240 to a fairly minor noble family. Was actually more Italian 0:09:07.280 --> 0:09:09.280 than French, like in the way that we would talk 0:09:09.320 --> 0:09:12.120 about it now. But Italy was not its own thing, right, 0:09:12.120 --> 0:09:14.360 it was kind of being consistently fought over by the 0:09:14.440 --> 0:09:17.680 Austrians and the French. And yeah, yeah, in seventeen eighty nine, 0:09:17.720 --> 0:09:21.160 when we have our ourselves a French revolution. Napoleon Bonaparte 0:09:21.400 --> 0:09:23.760 was a fervent supporter of the revolution. He was a 0:09:23.800 --> 0:09:26.000 Republican for a while. I mean that in like the 0:09:26.040 --> 0:09:29.920 literal he supported a republic republic. Yeah, he was a Jacobin, 0:09:30.240 --> 0:09:35.480 or at least he yeah, yeah, yeah. And obviously like 0:09:35.520 --> 0:09:37.160 you could say, like, oh, he was, you know, lying 0:09:37.240 --> 0:09:39.040 the whole time, waiting to get power. But I don't know. 0:09:39.080 --> 0:09:42.760 I think people changed their opinion on stuff over time, 0:09:42.840 --> 0:09:44.680 and when I don't know whatever, I don't I don't know. 0:09:44.760 --> 0:09:47.760 I'm not an expert on Napoleon bought apart um, so 0:09:47.840 --> 0:09:50.120 he he did lament the execution of the King and 0:09:50.200 --> 0:09:53.600 Queen of France. But he broadly speaking, thought that the 0:09:53.640 --> 0:09:56.959 republic was a good idea and he served it exceptionally 0:09:57.040 --> 0:10:00.240 well in it as an officer in the middle of Harry, 0:10:00.280 --> 0:10:02.360 despite the fact that he was at one point briefly 0:10:02.400 --> 0:10:07.000 imprisoned during the Reign of Terror. Eventually, the post revolutionary 0:10:07.040 --> 0:10:10.560 government spoiler proved kind of dysfunctional, partly due to the 0:10:10.559 --> 0:10:12.920 fact that they kept murdering each other and a bunch 0:10:12.960 --> 0:10:17.079 of other babele uh and some different factions kept getting 0:10:17.080 --> 0:10:20.200 in power and beheading the other facts. And you know, 0:10:20.320 --> 0:10:23.000 there's a shiploadle wars, which is how Napoleon Bonaparte winds 0:10:23.080 --> 0:10:26.200 up fighting in Egypt, which you might recognize. This pretty 0:10:26.200 --> 0:10:31.280 fucking far from France. They had to get him before 0:10:31.360 --> 0:10:35.080 the British got it. I understand the entire you know, 0:10:35.160 --> 0:10:37.480 like why they did it, because they're like, no, dude, 0:10:37.480 --> 0:10:39.319 if we don't do this, fucking Britain is going to 0:10:39.440 --> 0:10:42.120 do it. But it was a terrible idea. And his 0:10:42.160 --> 0:10:44.400 experience in Egypt is it's a little bit kind of 0:10:44.400 --> 0:10:46.360 like Irwin Rommel's going to be a couple of hundred 0:10:46.400 --> 0:10:50.200 years later where he doesn't win, but everyone's very impressed 0:10:50.240 --> 0:10:53.040 with how well he does, and he kind of nearly 0:10:53.120 --> 0:10:55.199 pulls it off, so he's he's a war hero. When 0:10:55.200 --> 0:10:58.920 he comes back to France, overthrows the government and establishes 0:10:58.960 --> 0:11:01.680 himself as first So we're skimming over a lot of 0:11:01.679 --> 0:11:04.800 stuff here, but yeah, yeah, so this and a number 0:11:04.800 --> 0:11:07.120 of other things pisces off the other powers of Europe, 0:11:07.120 --> 0:11:09.960 but we're already not thrilled about the French Revolution, and 0:11:10.000 --> 0:11:12.920 one by one they start coming after him, and Napoleon 0:11:13.000 --> 0:11:15.960 beats them all. Um, he is it is you know, 0:11:16.080 --> 0:11:19.520 talking when you talk about like what makes ranking like 0:11:19.600 --> 0:11:22.320 the quality of military commanders, you kind of have to 0:11:22.360 --> 0:11:27.040 do everyone before about World War One and then everyone 0:11:27.080 --> 0:11:31.000 after because the nature of war changes so so drastically. 0:11:31.520 --> 0:11:34.800 But Napoleon up the first like several thousand years of 0:11:34.880 --> 0:11:38.520 human war. Being a good general pretty much always means 0:11:38.559 --> 0:11:40.200 the same thing, which is, right, you have this set 0:11:40.200 --> 0:11:43.079 piece military and you were able to like you are 0:11:43.120 --> 0:11:45.560 able to command it in a war of maneuver until 0:11:45.640 --> 0:11:48.160 bringing the other enemy to battle and defeating them, Right that, Like, 0:11:48.200 --> 0:11:51.080 that's what what makes you a good military commander, and 0:11:51.120 --> 0:11:54.880 it is it is arguable that Napoleon was the best 0:11:54.920 --> 0:11:57.439 at that that any human being has ever been. Um. 0:11:57.480 --> 0:11:59.719 He has a military record in terms of numbers of 0:11:59.800 --> 0:12:01.880 vic reason, terms of number of times he was outnumbered 0:12:02.280 --> 0:12:06.120 that eclipses Alexander the Great and basically everybody else. He is. 0:12:06.360 --> 0:12:09.280 He is unstoppable right up until the end when he 0:12:09.320 --> 0:12:12.240 has stopped. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, you know, to 0:12:12.280 --> 0:12:16.680 put it in modern warfare terms like his death to 0:12:16.760 --> 0:12:20.040 kill Ratio was like amazing, and he could do like 0:12:20.040 --> 0:12:23.520 three scopes all day long. That's right, he has no 0:12:23.800 --> 0:12:26.320 he no scopes the ship out of everyone in Europe 0:12:26.320 --> 0:12:30.439 for for a while. Obviously he's gonna overreach here in 0:12:30.480 --> 0:12:34.319 a little bit, but that hasn't happened. In eighteen o eight, um, 0:12:34.480 --> 0:12:38.199 things are doing great there. His armies dominate most of Europe. 0:12:38.240 --> 0:12:40.760 He's declared emperor in eighteen o four, and as soon 0:12:40.800 --> 0:12:43.000 as that happens, the Bonapartes, who again had been kind 0:12:43.000 --> 0:12:45.640 of a minor noble family, are suddenly like one of 0:12:45.679 --> 0:12:48.439 the great families of Europe. They're equal to the Habsburgs 0:12:48.440 --> 0:12:50.559 in the House of fucking windsor right, because all the 0:12:50.640 --> 0:12:54.080 fucking Europe is their domain now. Napoleon, being the head 0:12:54.080 --> 0:12:57.320 of the family, because he has effectively conquered Western Europe, 0:12:57.679 --> 0:13:00.960 starts to turn the Bonapartes into the reach of territories 0:13:00.960 --> 0:13:04.360 he's conquered. Right Like, they're my my brothers and cousins 0:13:04.360 --> 0:13:06.120 and ship like, I can trust them the best, so 0:13:06.120 --> 0:13:09.520 I'm gonna make them kings of these areas I've captured. Alright, 0:13:10.720 --> 0:13:13.839 So this whole thing we're just gonna call it like 0:13:14.360 --> 0:13:18.280 the North Italy. Yeah, you just rule all that ship. Okay, 0:13:18.280 --> 0:13:23.640 one of you'all bitches takes Spain and uh fucking whatever, dude, 0:13:24.120 --> 0:13:27.400 this is it's because it's so modern, Like people look 0:13:27.440 --> 0:13:29.120 at this and they're like, wow, this is really like 0:13:29.200 --> 0:13:32.120 gangster ship. But that's the only way that feudalism has 0:13:32.120 --> 0:13:35.240 ever worked. Yeah, it's all just gangster ship. Gangster ship 0:13:35.320 --> 0:13:38.400 is based off of feudalism. That's that's that was the 0:13:38.440 --> 0:13:42.240 original gangster ship. So Joseph is the becomes the King 0:13:42.280 --> 0:13:46.600 of Naples and also the king of Spain. Um Jerome 0:13:46.880 --> 0:13:49.800 is made the king of Westphalia and I never remember 0:13:49.800 --> 0:13:53.200 where Westphalia is, but it's somewhere and somewhere west west, 0:13:53.320 --> 0:13:59.240 west and west. His sisters Elisa and Pauline become princesses. 0:13:59.280 --> 0:14:01.559 His sister Kara Len has made a queen of somewhere. 0:14:01.880 --> 0:14:05.600 Lucian actually you bring up Lucian refuses his brother Um. 0:14:05.679 --> 0:14:09.000 He will not bow to his like his kin. But 0:14:09.360 --> 0:14:13.040 Louis Napoleon Um, who is also almost as strong headed 0:14:13.080 --> 0:14:17.000 as Lucian, does, reluctantly agree to serve as king of Denmark. 0:14:17.600 --> 0:14:19.640 Now it will not surprise you to learn that Napoleon 0:14:19.720 --> 0:14:22.400 Bonaparte rules his family with the same kind of iron 0:14:22.480 --> 0:14:27.520 fist as he rules every He is literally Napoleon. Um. Yeah, 0:14:27.640 --> 0:14:29.840 So he commands them to marry who he wants them 0:14:29.880 --> 0:14:32.440 to marry. He orders them to get divorced just as easily. 0:14:32.480 --> 0:14:36.040 He names their children for them. No, no, no. Bonaparte, 0:14:36.040 --> 0:14:38.920 who accepts a royal gift is allowed to travel without 0:14:38.960 --> 0:14:42.080 his permission. He keeps them on a tight leash, but 0:14:42.160 --> 0:14:44.320 as long as their brother remains emperor, they've also got 0:14:44.320 --> 0:14:46.280 all of the wealth and influence that you know they 0:14:46.320 --> 0:14:48.640 could have only dreamed of before. So it's kind of 0:14:48.640 --> 0:14:51.720 a mixed bag um. As some people know, the great 0:14:51.720 --> 0:14:54.720 love of Napoleon's life is the Empress Josephine. She had 0:14:54.760 --> 0:14:57.880 two children already when they got married, and Napoleon is 0:14:57.880 --> 0:15:00.720 going to have a bunch of children with as mistresses. 0:15:00.720 --> 0:15:03.760 But for unknown reasons, she and Napoleon are unable to 0:15:03.760 --> 0:15:06.800 conceive children together. Right, they both do have kids with 0:15:06.840 --> 0:15:09.960 other people, but they just can't together. There's theories about 0:15:10.000 --> 0:15:14.000 why that. I mean, yeah, I think the leading theories 0:15:14.040 --> 0:15:16.160 that after she has her first two kids, something happens 0:15:16.160 --> 0:15:20.000 and she's infertile. Um. But obviously we're not going to 0:15:20.080 --> 0:15:23.920 know exactly why, because this is eighteen o six or whatever. Um, 0:15:24.800 --> 0:15:27.520 zoomed the body and check on the get in there, 0:15:27.840 --> 0:15:31.160 get in there, open it up and see what's going on. 0:15:31.520 --> 0:15:35.200 Maybe there's a little you know, egg topic. Napoleon baby, 0:15:35.320 --> 0:15:38.080 do the do the do the the Jurassic Park things. 0:15:38.120 --> 0:15:41.320 Suck out a little bit of Napoleon Josephee DNA and 0:15:42.800 --> 0:15:46.560 finally make that baby. Put him in a raptor cage, 0:15:46.640 --> 0:15:50.320 have fucking muldoon with a shotgun sitting outside, feed him goats. 0:15:51.080 --> 0:15:55.440 I don't know what we're doing here. They remember they 0:15:55.440 --> 0:16:00.840 should all be destroyed. Um that it would be funny 0:16:00.880 --> 0:16:03.000 to be like a nick you doctor and and do 0:16:03.080 --> 0:16:09.080 that like how dressed up dude, Um putting bottles in 0:16:09.120 --> 0:16:15.760 their mouths. Spass twelve by your side anyway. Um. So yeah, 0:16:15.800 --> 0:16:17.720 they are unable to have a kid together, which is 0:16:17.720 --> 0:16:21.280 a problem because Napoleon is the Emperor of France and 0:16:21.560 --> 0:16:25.160 you know, having an air is kind of important. Um. 0:16:25.360 --> 0:16:28.560 So he's got some kids with his side, check eleanor. 0:16:28.680 --> 0:16:32.160 But you know they're not legal kids. So eventually Napoleon 0:16:32.200 --> 0:16:34.560 is going to divorce Josephine, although he remains in love 0:16:34.600 --> 0:16:35.920 with her for the rest of his life. It's a 0:16:35.920 --> 0:16:39.280 complicated story, but he divorces her to marry a teenage 0:16:39.320 --> 0:16:43.400 girl named Mary Louise. She is eighteen, which is I 0:16:43.640 --> 0:16:47.200 gotta say, from by the standards of European royalty in 0:16:47.200 --> 0:16:52.320 the eighteen hundreds. He likes them old. Yeah, that's true. 0:16:52.440 --> 0:16:56.400 That's true. Like that is basically like ten years from 0:16:56.440 --> 0:17:00.760 death at this point, so you are that was legally 0:17:00.880 --> 0:17:05.320 fifty five years old back then. So um. He marries 0:17:05.480 --> 0:17:08.200 Marie Louise, who is the daughter of the Emperor of Austria, 0:17:08.480 --> 0:17:10.480 to try to get himself a baby that it can 0:17:10.480 --> 0:17:13.320 be his heir. But in the meantime, you know, anything 0:17:13.359 --> 0:17:15.880 could happen. You've got it. He's constantly going to war 0:17:15.960 --> 0:17:17.960 and ships, so you've got to take actions to ensure 0:17:18.000 --> 0:17:20.960 that the burgeoning house of Bonaparte has an actual line 0:17:20.960 --> 0:17:24.600 of secession. For reasons that makes sense to royalists, Napoleon 0:17:24.640 --> 0:17:27.399 Bonaparte decides the best thing he can do is Mary, 0:17:27.520 --> 0:17:31.400 Josephine's daughter, who a tens off to his younger brother Lewis, 0:17:31.440 --> 0:17:34.440 to connect the families by blood. Their children would be 0:17:34.480 --> 0:17:38.800 bonapartes and thus eligible to inherit the empire now. And 0:17:38.840 --> 0:17:41.280 again that's actually shows kind of even though he does 0:17:41.600 --> 0:17:43.560 divorce her in this way, that's kind of sucked up 0:17:43.920 --> 0:17:46.720 that he loves Josephine because he's like, well, I'm going 0:17:46.760 --> 0:17:48.880 to make sure my air is a mix of her 0:17:48.920 --> 0:17:51.240 blood and my blood, even though we can't conceive a 0:17:51.320 --> 0:17:54.080 child together, which is fascinating. I actually can't really think 0:17:54.080 --> 0:17:58.120 of another case of something like that. It's very interesting story, Simp. 0:17:58.320 --> 0:18:01.240 I mean, like he's the biggest jose Osophine simple of 0:18:01.280 --> 0:18:03.639 all time, you know, like he's, uh, he was a 0:18:03.640 --> 0:18:05.840 simple and we have all of his letters to prove it. 0:18:05.960 --> 0:18:09.440 And listen, I am also Simp. So I just want 0:18:09.440 --> 0:18:11.960 to say, uh, Simp, pride, and I don't think we 0:18:11.960 --> 0:18:15.919 should use it as a slurk about that. Hey, you 0:18:15.960 --> 0:18:20.720 know what, Matt, we could call him the simperer Napoleon. Oh, 0:18:21.280 --> 0:18:27.040 here we go, all right, we got funds, all right. So, 0:18:27.720 --> 0:18:30.679 as with most royal marriages, no consideration was given as 0:18:30.720 --> 0:18:34.320 to whether or not Louis and Hortense actually wanted to 0:18:34.359 --> 0:18:37.440 be in a relationship that was not at all important 0:18:37.480 --> 0:18:41.080 to Napoleon Bonaparte um, I'm gonna quote now from Louis, 0:18:41.200 --> 0:18:44.640 Napoleon and the Second Empire, a book by J. M. Thompson, 0:18:44.720 --> 0:18:46.320 And this is the biography that I did not like 0:18:46.400 --> 0:18:49.000 as much. Quote. She was not in love with Louis 0:18:49.040 --> 0:18:50.720 and he did not want to marry, but they could 0:18:50.720 --> 0:18:52.960 not withstand the Emperor's will. And we're made man and 0:18:53.040 --> 0:18:56.920 wife by the papal legate, Cardinal Caprara on January four, 0:18:57.040 --> 0:18:59.520 eighteen o two. On October ten, the same year, their 0:18:59.520 --> 0:19:03.400 first son was born, named Napoleon Charles. On October four 0:19:03.440 --> 0:19:06.760 a second son, named Napoleon Louis. By this time, everyone 0:19:06.880 --> 0:19:09.840 knew that the marriage was a failure. Lewis negrect, neglected 0:19:09.840 --> 0:19:13.879 his wife, disliked her girlish tastes, suspected her friendships, and 0:19:13.920 --> 0:19:16.560 spied on her at every turn. She pined for Paris 0:19:16.600 --> 0:19:21.359 and Malmaison, and resented his puritanical discipline. So it's not 0:19:21.440 --> 0:19:24.080 a love marriage. It's not going great. She wants to 0:19:24.480 --> 0:19:27.280 have a life, and he is angry whenever she does 0:19:27.320 --> 0:19:30.399 anything but like sit like a nun in her house. Also, 0:19:30.640 --> 0:19:33.160 as a heads up, his first two kids are Napoleon 0:19:33.240 --> 0:19:38.240 Charles and uh Napoleon Lewis he is Louis Napoleon. Hey, everybody, 0:19:38.320 --> 0:19:41.240 Robert here. Uh sorry, I make a number of mistakes 0:19:41.240 --> 0:19:43.640 about royalty early on. I am trying to correct them. 0:19:43.680 --> 0:19:47.080 Now he's not Louis Napoleon. He's Louis Bonaparte. Now keep 0:19:47.119 --> 0:19:48.880 that in mind, because I'm about to call him Louis 0:19:48.960 --> 0:19:52.040 Napoleon a bunch of times. It is very frustrating. But 0:19:52.119 --> 0:19:55.760 now the brother of Napoleon Bonaparte is Louis Bonaparte. His 0:19:55.880 --> 0:19:59.360 sons are Louis Napoleon and Napoleon Lewis, but they are 0:19:59.400 --> 0:20:03.399 also bona Parts. I'm sorry, this is very frustrating. I 0:20:03.520 --> 0:20:07.680 made some mistakes here. Um, their uncle is Napoleon Bonaparte. 0:20:07.800 --> 0:20:10.080 The names are going to be frustrating in the first 0:20:10.080 --> 0:20:12.560 episode or so of this. Yeah, it's gonna be difficult 0:20:12.600 --> 0:20:16.760 to tell them all apart. Yeah, so Louis Napoleon again. 0:20:16.800 --> 0:20:19.800 The dad Napoleon Bonaparte's brother is also one of Napoleon's 0:20:19.840 --> 0:20:22.160 best generals, right, Like, this is not a case where 0:20:22.160 --> 0:20:23.960 he just like makes his brother in general and he's 0:20:23.960 --> 0:20:27.880 at the Napoleon's Louis Napoleon is a very capable field commander, 0:20:28.240 --> 0:20:31.120 and he runs his house like a household of soldiers. 0:20:31.440 --> 0:20:33.840 Nothing Hortense did was ever good enough for him. It 0:20:33.960 --> 0:20:36.399 was a sad marriage, and her only comfort was her 0:20:36.440 --> 0:20:41.000 confusingly named sons, Napoleon Charles and Napoleon Lewis. Like all 0:20:41.040 --> 0:20:43.800 tales of European nobility, this again has about a hundred 0:20:43.840 --> 0:20:45.720 people with the same name, and we'll do the best here. 0:20:45.800 --> 0:20:49.520 So Napoleon Bonaparte is an interesting guy. He's he's a monster, 0:20:49.600 --> 0:20:51.600 and I mean he kills millions of people or gets 0:20:51.640 --> 0:20:55.119 them killed. But he also is like a weirdly understanding 0:20:55.200 --> 0:20:57.080 dude in some ways. And he saw the way that 0:20:57.119 --> 0:20:59.160 his brother Lewis was acting in the marriage, and from 0:20:59.160 --> 0:21:01.080 a castle in Pole and where he was with the time, 0:21:01.160 --> 0:21:04.240 living with his mistress, he sends his brother a letter, quote, 0:21:04.640 --> 0:21:07.680 your quarrels with the queen are becoming private public property, 0:21:07.840 --> 0:21:10.160 if only you would keep for family life the fatherly 0:21:10.200 --> 0:21:13.040 and effeminate disposition you exhibit in the sphere of sphere 0:21:13.040 --> 0:21:15.720 of government, and apply to public affairs the severity that 0:21:15.720 --> 0:21:18.280 you display at home. You jew your young wife like 0:21:18.320 --> 0:21:20.760 a regiment of soldiers. You have the best and worthiest 0:21:20.800 --> 0:21:23.120 wife in the world, and yet you are making her unhappy. 0:21:23.480 --> 0:21:25.600 Let her dance as much as she likes. She is 0:21:25.680 --> 0:21:27.840 just the age for it. Do you expect a wife 0:21:27.840 --> 0:21:30.159 of twenty who sees her life slipping away and dreams 0:21:30.160 --> 0:21:32.240 of all she is missing to live in a nunnery 0:21:32.359 --> 0:21:34.719 or a nursery with nothing to do but bathe her baby. 0:21:35.080 --> 0:21:37.640 Make Cortense happy. She is the mother of your children. 0:21:37.880 --> 0:21:39.880 The only way to treat her with all The only 0:21:39.880 --> 0:21:42.360 way to treat her is with all possible trust and respect. 0:21:42.640 --> 0:21:44.879 It's a pity she is so virtuous. If you were 0:21:44.920 --> 0:21:47.040 married to a flirt, she would lead you by the nose. 0:21:47.280 --> 0:21:49.000 But she is proud to be your wife and is 0:21:49.040 --> 0:21:51.080 pained and repelled by the mere idea that you may 0:21:51.119 --> 0:21:57.720 be thinking poorly of her. That's like pretty good, actually right, 0:21:57.760 --> 0:22:00.720 And it's also coming from a place of like, do 0:22:00.760 --> 0:22:03.120 you know how lucky you are to have a lady 0:22:03.119 --> 0:22:06.480 who's not cheating on you all the time? Okay? And 0:22:11.359 --> 0:22:14.479 you know how luck you are? Yea? I do? I do? 0:22:14.560 --> 0:22:16.520