Speaker 1: Welcome to Creature feature production of iHeartRadio. I'm your host
Speaker 1: of Many Parasites, Katie Golden. I studied psychology, evolutionary biology,
Speaker 1: and today on the show, Havelina versus Golf Course, who
Speaker 1: will come out on top and who will get torn
Speaker 1: to shreds? Why are we rooting for the Havelina to
Speaker 1: tear up the third hole on the back nine? Plus
Speaker 1: we're talking about other above par animals who love to
Speaker 1: crash us Snoody Golf Club, Discoverabs, and more as we
Speaker 1: answer the age old question, why in God's name aren't
Speaker 1: we litting the opossum play some good old American football
Speaker 1: cinemn coach. Joining me today is comedian actor, TV writer,
Speaker 1: president of the United States and part of Team have
Speaker 1: Alina Kylie Brakeman.
Speaker 2: Welcome, Hi, thank you for having me, and thank you
Speaker 2: for getting my president credit.
Speaker 1: A lot of people, Yeah, yeah, some people think it's
Speaker 1: some guy named Jim Barson, and that's.
Speaker 2: A true Borden I'm hearing. Yeah, I doesn't sound familiar
Speaker 2: to me.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, this is the world I live in
Speaker 1: where Kylie Brakman is president and it's happy and fun.
Speaker 1: And as president, are you on Team have Alina or
Speaker 1: team stupid golf course.
Speaker 2: I am on fully, I'm throwing my weight all in
Speaker 2: behind team Hovelina. I think that what these girls are
Speaker 2: doing out here is noble. I think it's right, and
Speaker 2: I think it's about time someone stood up to golf courses.
Speaker 1: It is, it really is. For too long have golf
Speaker 1: courses had free reign to be there to charge their
Speaker 1: stupid fees. Hit those stupid little balls with those dumb
Speaker 1: little sticks.
Speaker 2: They're not even those those sprinklers going it. It's too much.
Speaker 1: It's too much, and we love a Hoveolino. So for
Speaker 1: those of you who live under a rock and haven't
Speaker 1: been paying attention to the news about Havelina attacking golf courses,
Speaker 1: someone posted a video I believe, on Twitter, or as
Speaker 1: they call it X.
Speaker 2: The Sinister I know X.
Speaker 1: I'm still gonna call it Twitter. Is everyone alrite with
Speaker 1: me doing that?
Speaker 2: Because it makes me feel uncomfor I've tried to call
Speaker 2: it X and just be like, oh, it's been given.
Speaker 2: It feels like it makes me gag to say I
Speaker 2: can't say it. No. It makes me feel like the
Speaker 2: collective reality hallucination where Twitter is still called Twitter.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because like when I'm like this post on x
Speaker 1: it's like, well this is a family friendly production. It
Speaker 1: sounds a little bit, I don't know, a little bit
Speaker 1: below the belt there. So yeah, this post on Twitter,
Speaker 1: it is a photo of a massacred golf course. So
Speaker 1: the golf course Seven Canyons Golf Club located in Coconino
Speaker 1: National Forest in Arizona. So one posted this video of like,
Speaker 1: look at how torn up this golf course is, and
Speaker 1: it didn't go well for the person. I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: name the person because nobody sided with this. I think
Speaker 1: golf course manager who was upset about the golf course
Speaker 1: being torn to shreds because it was done by the
Speaker 1: Havelina and Kylie, you've seen Havelina before, right, I have.
Speaker 2: Seen, Well this Hovelina golf course feud was my first
Speaker 2: introduction to the Hovelina, and I was floored by what
Speaker 2: they look like. I did not expect them to be
Speaker 2: so I did not expect the heels. It looks like
Speaker 2: they're wearing tiny little heels and it looks like every
Speaker 2: single one of them is kind of of the girly variety. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and I I just fell in love with them right
Speaker 2: away and I think the rest of the internet did too.
Speaker 2: We're like, how could we be against these guys?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I like how you put it that you didn't
Speaker 1: realize that they're one of the girlies, but indeed they are.
Speaker 1: All of them are. Actually, there's not too much sexual dimorphism,
Speaker 1: so you can't really tell the difference between the males
Speaker 1: and females. Uh, but I'm gonna say they're just all
Speaker 1: part of the girlies. Uh. And you're right, they do
Speaker 1: have the little heels, the little huves, and very Louis vouton.
Speaker 1: They are a pig like animal. They are not pigs,
Speaker 1: nor are they bores. They are actually peckery's, which either
Speaker 1: name you call them is great. Have Alina or peckery.
Speaker 2: It just you know, yeah, it's like a different it's
Speaker 2: a different type of gurley, but like I still get it.
Speaker 2: It sounds a little preppier, but but I'm in it
Speaker 2: sounds a doorble.
Speaker 1: So yeah. A peckery is part of the Suena suborder,
Speaker 1: which includes wart hogs, pigs, bores, and hogs. So they
Speaker 1: are related to wild boars, but they are not the
Speaker 1: same and they are not invasive like wild boars. Havelina
Speaker 1: are native to the Arizona region. This is their home.
Speaker 1: And so this golf course is located in this natural
Speaker 1: habitat of the Havelina. It's a national forest, which is
Speaker 1: a combination of desert, ponderosa pines, tundra and flatlands. When
Speaker 1: you look at the surrounding area of the golf course,
Speaker 1: you see all these mesas, this kind of scrub, this
Speaker 1: spotted land, it does not and then you see this
Speaker 1: weird giant artificial green lawn. So it's very strange to
Speaker 1: plunk there.
Speaker 2: Really, like, that is their home. You put a golf
Speaker 2: course in Hovelina's house and you are shocked that they're
Speaker 2: coming in to use your stuff.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like, hey, this is Causa Hovelina and now there's
Speaker 1: a golf course here, and they're like, hey, actually, uh no,
Speaker 1: no more golf course. No you actually can't have that. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So the video posted is the aftermath of something tearing
Speaker 1: up the lawn. This was the Hovelina and the superintendent
Speaker 1: of the golf course. Again not going to name any
Speaker 1: names because if the Hovelina know where to find her,
Speaker 1: what can I say, It's not going to be pretty.
Speaker 1: So uh yeah.
Speaker 2: Hovelinas are notorious for dosing to eat. Don't want to
Speaker 2: cross them.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, they're they put like BDS supporters to shame
Speaker 1: that they're they're frighteningly efficient. So yeah, the superintendent wrote,
Speaker 1: what should be one of the most beautiful golf courses
Speaker 1: in the tree is being destroyed by herds of hovellina.
Speaker 1: Uh And the Internet was not sympathetic to this plaintive cry.
Speaker 1: They ended up siding with the hovelina for a few reasons,
Speaker 1: ecological and also because I want you to google a
Speaker 1: hovelina right now. It's spelled j A v E l
Speaker 1: I n A. I'll also have some photos in the
Speaker 1: show notes, but look at them. Just look at them,
Speaker 1: and look up a baby hovelina too, Google a baby
Speaker 1: that's b a b y havevelina.
Speaker 2: My gosh, I think I just got to the picture.
Speaker 1: Of them, of the babies. Yes, of the baby.
Speaker 2: That's one of the most precious things I've ever seen.
Speaker 1: It's baby. It's it's when you think baby, this is
Speaker 1: this is what it is. This is what a baby is.
Speaker 2: It simply is baby. There's no getting around that. I
Speaker 2: can debate this all day, but that baby is baby.
Speaker 1: It's the core essence of baby. Sort of sub made
Speaker 1: it down to the raw, pure baby extract, and so
Speaker 1: it's precious. And anything we can do to make this
Speaker 1: baby happy, whether it's to tear up a golf course,
Speaker 1: set a bus on fire, whatever, I want to make
Speaker 1: this baby Hovelina happy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I will throw down for baby. I will put
Speaker 2: my life on the line for baby. I will do
Speaker 2: anything it takes, because, frankly, the idea of this baby
Speaker 2: shedding a tear makes me really upset.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Like, can you imagine just a little teardrop rolling
Speaker 1: down that little pink nose land on one of those
Speaker 1: dainty little Louis Vouton hooves. No, we can't make baby cry.
Speaker 2: Nah, I'm gonna rip up the golf course that did
Speaker 2: that to you.
Speaker 1: I will buy hand rip up a golf course if
Speaker 1: it makes this baby happy. For it.
Speaker 2: It'll take me a while, it'll take me longer than
Speaker 2: a hovelina, but I'll do probably.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, you know it's hard because you get like
Speaker 1: the dirt on your nail, under your nails, and yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't love that. Yeah, I don't love it either.
Speaker 1: I like using a good little shovel, One of those
Speaker 1: little shovels is good yeah, big fan of a shovel,
Speaker 1: big fan of shovels. So but yeah, the havevelina don't
Speaker 1: need shovels because their face is essentially an adorable shovel.
Speaker 1: And they are, Yeah, they're they're very like fluffy. That's
Speaker 1: number one. It's kind of a it's not really fur,
Speaker 1: it's hair. It's this bristly hair. They have a little
Speaker 1: bit of a faux hawk going down their head and back,
Speaker 1: just a little one. It's very subtle.
Speaker 2: Okay, Yeah, the texture looks like a little like it
Speaker 2: could almost be sort of like hedgehoggy like spikes, but
Speaker 2: I guess, but it must be softer than that.
Speaker 1: It's yeah, it's not quite hedgehog, but I mean the
Speaker 1: thing is hedgehogs, porcupines. Those spikes are modified hairs. So
Speaker 1: when you look at something like this, you can kind
Speaker 1: of see that better, Like these are not related, but
Speaker 1: despite the hedgehog being called a hedgehog, it's actually not
Speaker 1: in the same order as these. But like that, you
Speaker 1: can kind of see that intermediate step of like, hey,
Speaker 1: this hair is quite bristly, and then once you have
Speaker 1: these sort of mega hairs on say like a porcupine,
Speaker 1: where it's a very thick, grown together, solid bristle that
Speaker 1: ends in a point. Then you got a porcupine.
Speaker 2: So it's it's still in the like the porcupine spines
Speaker 2: are technically hair.
Speaker 1: Yes, exactly.
Speaker 2: I didn't know that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's very cool. Yeah, it's it's technically still something
Speaker 1: that you could put in a commercial where it's like
Speaker 1: a bunch of fruit falling down in a shower, you know,
Speaker 1: like where you have the hair commercials.
Speaker 2: Legally could be in a panteine commercial.
Speaker 1: Exactly.
Speaker 2: Do I still happen? Yeah, it's good that the door
Speaker 2: is open for that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel like there's always fruit in those commercials.
Speaker 1: Am I remembering wrong? I always feel like fruit in
Speaker 1: a shower. I think of all.
Speaker 2: These women have scurvy. They need to need to eat
Speaker 2: their vitamin C in the shower to keep that hair shiny.
Speaker 1: So the bristle of the havelina is not it's not spines,
Speaker 1: so they won't puncture you. That's not where the business
Speaker 1: end is. The business end is the tusks. So they
Speaker 1: do have a couple of tusks. In fact, the whole
Speaker 1: reason they're called hovelina is because of this pair of
Speaker 1: sharp tusks. It is from habilina, the Spanish word for spear.
Speaker 1: So they have these little tusks. They're actually the tusks too,
Speaker 1: are gurly coated because they are a little more dainty,
Speaker 1: a little less like gnarly than say, like a boar tusk.
Speaker 1: But that doesn't mean they're not sharp. They are pointy.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I just looked up a picture of the tusk.
Speaker 2: They're dainty, they're hidden, but they do look dangerous.
Speaker 1: Yes, it's like a lady's you know, back in the
Speaker 1: day when we used to have hair pins and we
Speaker 1: used to pull those out of our hair and stab
Speaker 1: people with them.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's like that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, right, well it's the that was what the hair Oh,
Speaker 1: it's hat pins. I think that they still can't remember.
Speaker 1: I mean we were both alive and like this, well
Speaker 1: like college or something. Yeah, yeah, it's hard to remember
Speaker 1: the Clinton years. But yeah, no, I mean it's it
Speaker 1: is very like hat pin, like lady with a hat
Speaker 1: pin coated and they are used for defense. They are
Speaker 1: not predators. Their diet is mostly vegetation such as succulents, cacti,
Speaker 1: other desert semi arid plants. Uh. They will also nibble
Speaker 1: on carrion. They don't kill animals that much, but if
Speaker 1: if a dead animal is just laying out, they're like,
Speaker 1: you know, are you gonna finish it? I mean, you
Speaker 1: don't want to waste food.
Speaker 2: It's just polite.
Speaker 1: It's polite not to waste food. They will eat the
Speaker 1: occasional bug normal, and who doesn't who doesn't you know what?
Speaker 2: Seven spiders a year they say?
Speaker 1: They say that, You know, I don't think I personally
Speaker 1: want to beat that record. I know it's not true,
Speaker 1: Like you don't actually eat seven spiders a year.
Speaker 2: You want to go for more.
Speaker 1: I actually see that as a challenge. Now. I love
Speaker 1: I love spiders. I don't really want to hurt them.
Speaker 1: But I also feel like that's a kind of insultingly
Speaker 1: small number. How many spiders are you? Do you think
Speaker 1: you could eat?
Speaker 2: I feel like, I mean, the sad part is like
Speaker 2: I could be eating, Like I could be doing really well.
Speaker 2: I could be eating twenty five spiders a year, but
Speaker 2: I never.
Speaker 1: Know, right, because I'm just no way to keep track, right,
Speaker 1: So seven is just such an arbitrary number, and it
Speaker 1: feels like you should just go for a higher number,
Speaker 1: like I would. I would believe that urban legend a
Speaker 1: lot more. If it's like you eat a hundred spiders
Speaker 1: a year, like, yeah, it feels right sometimes Okay.
Speaker 2: Yeah this is a real problem. Seven makes me wonder
Speaker 2: can this year even happen? But if it's one hundred,
Speaker 2: then it's like, Okay, this is absolutely happening. It's a
Speaker 2: part of life and we just have to accept it.
Speaker 1: Exactly where I'll be questioning like, well, is this water
Speaker 1: weight or is this just night spiderweight? You know it's uh.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, it'll disappear by noon exactly.
Speaker 1: Uh so yeah, have Alina will eat? Uh, they'll eat,
Speaker 1: They'll eat insects, they'll eat bugs. Why not? They're not
Speaker 1: like small. The thing is, even though they are dainty
Speaker 1: and precious and we love them, they're not tiny. They
Speaker 1: weigh around forty to ninety pounds, which is twenty to
Speaker 1: forty kilograms, and grow about two to four feet long,
Speaker 1: which is like ninety to one hundred and thirty centimeters.
Speaker 1: So there.
Speaker 2: I could not tell that from the picture. Right in
Speaker 2: the presture, they look like kind of this big, kind
Speaker 2: of like itty bitty.
Speaker 1: They look hamster size. They look like I could hold
Speaker 1: them in my lap.
Speaker 2: It looks like a you hit a bore with like
Speaker 2: a shrink ray.
Speaker 1: Right exactly. But it's I think that is owed to
Speaker 1: the daintiness of them these sort of yes, uh, they
Speaker 1: are elegant looking and so they kind of seem smaller.
Speaker 1: The babies certainly are small and cute and sweet, but yeah,
Speaker 1: but they are substantial. And yeah, the babies, they're they're
Speaker 1: like tan and color. They look like any kind of
Speaker 1: cute piglet, but fluffy.
Speaker 2: One of these babies, I'm just looking at another one
Speaker 2: fit on my pinky finger, because that's what I imagine
Speaker 2: them to be.
Speaker 1: I mean, at a certain point in its embryonic development. Yes, okay,
Speaker 1: that's good enough for me. It's a general rule for
Speaker 1: most things, uh will at.
Speaker 2: Some point we're once that size.
Speaker 1: Most things will at some point fit on your pinky.
Speaker 1: So it's a good rule to you know. But yeah,
Speaker 1: in terms of their behavior, they live in herds. They
Speaker 1: are not typically aggressive towards humans unless they feel threatened,
Speaker 1: but they are like instinctively aggressive towards dogs. So hunters
Speaker 1: who are out like hunting with their dogs are sometimes
Speaker 1: attacked because they see a dog and they read the
Speaker 1: dog as coyote and coyotes and havelina have a bitter
Speaker 1: rivalry because coyotes try to eat the hovelina, especially like
Speaker 1: havelena babies. So the hovelina like have this attack on
Speaker 1: site attitude towards dogs, and they can actually mess a
Speaker 1: dog up pretty bad.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the fact that they're even fighting back is impressive
Speaker 2: because I I just imagine like an animal who's eating
Speaker 2: grass and bugs, Like, I just don't think of them
Speaker 2: as an animal that would attack. But yeah, no, these
Speaker 2: girls are not to be underestimated.
Speaker 1: Yeah, herbivore does not mean wimp in the natural kingdom. Like,
Speaker 1: if you're a vegetarian, you might still like crunch a
Speaker 1: lion's skull. Like, say you're a hippo. Hippos are vegetarians,
Speaker 1: they will absolutely murder you. I love that. Oh, I
Speaker 1: just love killing people. They love it.
Speaker 2: Well, I knew about the burder part. I just assumed
Speaker 2: they were eating fish. But I guess all those videos
Speaker 2: they smashing pumpkins in their mouth.
Speaker 1: Yes, they're just smashing pumpkins. Favorite that it's a hippo's
Speaker 1: favorite bands, favorite band, of course. But before they attack
Speaker 1: for the havelina, which are not nearly as aggressive as
Speaker 1: a hippo. They will issue a warning by clicking their
Speaker 1: tusks together and sort of making a growling, sort of
Speaker 1: hoot sound.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 1: The closest I could find in terms of the sound.
Speaker 2: Is actually saying to hear it.
Speaker 1: Actually speaking of pumpkins, I found a video of Pavelina
Speaker 1: fighting over a pumpkin, so I'll shore I will share
Speaker 1: this sound with you.
Speaker 2: That's that's so cute. Yeah, I mean, clearly they're angry,
Speaker 2: and but it feels like a sort of just like hormonal,
Speaker 2: like woke up in the morning, just like pissed off
Speaker 2: about the world type stuff. Like I don't really blame them.
Speaker 1: No, it's the kind of anger we can all relate
Speaker 1: to where you're trying to eat a pumpkin that's on
Speaker 1: the ground and then like your bestie comes up and
Speaker 1: kind of elbows you a little bit to try to
Speaker 1: eat the pumpkin, and you're like, dude, like I love you,
Speaker 1: but seriously, this is my ground pumpkin. When that happens, yeah, no,
Speaker 1: I know, it's really annoying. It's one of my one
Speaker 1: of my top pet peeves is I'm trying to eat
Speaker 1: an old, uh hallowed out pumpkin and someone's trying to
Speaker 1: eat it, Uh, get my bite?
Speaker 2: Like you you have to seek one out to eat
Speaker 2: that hollowed out and and and moldy like that. You right,
Speaker 2: Like they're not easy to find and people just assume
Speaker 2: they can have a bite, but you can't always have
Speaker 2: a bite. Sometimes you're saving.
Speaker 1: This yourself exactly. It's like, hey, where's my slightly rotting pumpkin?
Speaker 1: Did you eat it? You should have asked me, like
Speaker 1: I I actually, yeah, I'm happy to share. You just
Speaker 1: got to ask me. So, yeah, these havevelina live in
Speaker 1: herds of around twenty, but herd sizes can vary from
Speaker 1: like ten individuals to fifty. There's a lot of families
Speaker 1: in these groups. They have a fairly balanced sex ratio.
Speaker 1: So it's like with females and males, there's like a
Speaker 1: third of them are usually like babies or juveniles.
Speaker 2: And do they do the do the mom and dads
Speaker 2: like hang out after the hovelina is born or is
Speaker 2: it kind of like you mate and then you leave.
Speaker 1: I think they mostly hang out in the same herds.
Speaker 1: I don't think they're monogamous like forever, but there is
Speaker 1: I think there is a lot of cooperation within the
Speaker 1: group in terms of parenting and in terms of the
Speaker 1: group dynamic. They actually will recognize individuals by their smell.
Speaker 1: They every individual have Alena has their own like signature scent,
Speaker 1: and because Helena have really poor eyesight and mediocre hearing,
Speaker 1: they really rely on their scent and their sense of
Speaker 1: smell is really good. So each individual has this pungent,
Speaker 1: unique stink that comes from a scent gland on their rump,
Speaker 1: and that's they're also called sometimes skunk pigs because they stink.
Speaker 2: I love that. You you have to create a whole
Speaker 2: system of sense of smell to keep each other accountable.
Speaker 2: But the smell is just bad. It's just universally bad.
Speaker 1: I mean it's a perspective thing, right, because like maybe
Speaker 1: to have Alena stink is good, you.
Speaker 2: Know, yeah, right, yeah, it's like the idea of I
Speaker 2: don't know how true this is, but a person from
Speaker 2: the medieval time might smell us and all our weird
Speaker 2: soaps and think that we smell bad. Exactly, we know
Speaker 2: that they were covered in uh kind of poop poo
Speaker 2: their whole lives. Yeah, they they like all that poop
Speaker 2: poo shampoo that they use.
Speaker 1: All the time, just covered in people, water everywhere, everywhere,
Speaker 1: covered in poop poo, and they're like, wait, what is
Speaker 1: this smell? You don't smell like poo poo. That's disgusting.
Speaker 1: Where's your poo poo smell?
Speaker 2: Yeah? What is this lavender? This is gross?
Speaker 1: I'm Gaggingah yeah exactly. Is there like a smell that's
Speaker 1: a lot of people tend to find nice that you
Speaker 1: really hate?
Speaker 2: I oh gosh, I think it's it actually is when
Speaker 2: lavender is overwhelming. I like a little bit of lavender. Yeah,
Speaker 2: but if someone like blasts a lavender candle, it just
Speaker 2: feels like not right. I accidentally bought lavender dish soap
Speaker 2: instead of like most dish soaps are like citrus. I
Speaker 2: feel like, yeah, that's standard, Like you want it to
Speaker 2: smell like your food or like a shower. Yeah, it
Speaker 2: just feels wrong.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, that's interesting for me. It's banana. Oh I
Speaker 1: hate it. Yeah, It's like it makes me so angry
Speaker 1: to smell banana to even see.
Speaker 2: Do you like eating bananas?
Speaker 1: No? Not even a little bit.
Speaker 2: No, yeah, yeah, it'll do it. It is like a
Speaker 2: powerful smell and taste.
Speaker 1: They test gas masks, or at least they used to
Speaker 1: maybe not anymore, but they would test the efficacy of
Speaker 1: like the World War uh one and two gas masks
Speaker 1: by like with banana oil, because Wow, it's so pungent
Speaker 1: that if you put on the gas mask and you
Speaker 1: can like still smell it, it means that there's like
Speaker 1: a leak in the gas mask.
Speaker 2: My gosh, because I guess there's a reason there's no
Speaker 2: like banana flavored essential oil.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I would, Uh, I don't know what I would
Speaker 1: do in a situation where I'm like trying to get
Speaker 1: like relaxed and someone's out there with the banana essential oil.
Speaker 1: That sounds like my nightmare.
Speaker 2: Thank you for that is horrible. That is actively horrible.
Speaker 1: That is horrible. That's a horrible idea in that you know,
Speaker 1: everything would smell like banana forever, it would never go.
Speaker 2: I'm upset with myself for conjuring it and now and
Speaker 2: now I won't be able to stop thinking about it.
Speaker 1: We're all we're all mad at you, Kylie. You've really
Speaker 1: done enough. We're gonna take a quick break, and when
Speaker 1: we get back, we're gonna shift our anger towards the
Speaker 1: golf course and we're going to talk about why we
Speaker 1: side with the hovelena over the golf course. I will
Speaker 1: bear it back. So we're going to talk about why
Speaker 1: it's actually cool and great that these Hoveleena are tearing
Speaker 1: up this golf course. I have you played much golf, Kylie.
Speaker 2: So I and this maybe ties into why I am
Speaker 2: Team Hovellina. I needed to take a extracurricular pe class
Speaker 2: to fit in all the electives I wanted, and I
Speaker 2: had to do girls golf. It was like the only
Speaker 2: thing that you could kind of get into without much
Speaker 2: auditioning or sorry trying out tryouts. You could see how
Speaker 2: bad I'm not again.
Speaker 1: Really really used the space in the back nine. You
Speaker 1: gotta make you.
Speaker 2: I just really didn't nail the audition to use the putter,
Speaker 2: but we would. And I went to school in southern California,
Speaker 2: so it was always so hot, and we would go
Speaker 2: to these golf courses and golf course after golf course,
Speaker 2: and just I was so bad at golf and we
Speaker 2: didn't have like so much of golfing. I would say
Speaker 2: ninety percent of it is walking to the next hole. Yeah,
Speaker 2: because like we're kids, They're not going to give us
Speaker 2: golf carts.
Speaker 1: We're not nice.
Speaker 2: It would be nice, and I think that's what everybody
Speaker 2: else is using, but we weren't. And so we were
Speaker 2: just walking this whole golf course and they're huge, uh,
Speaker 2: and we'd be sweating, and I just and I realized, well, okay,
Speaker 2: this was the final straw for me. Is so I
Speaker 2: was technically like I was on a junior varsity golf team,
Speaker 2: like wow, legally on paper on a golf team, and
Speaker 2: it was supposed to be this like competition at a
Speaker 2: golf competition at the end called.
Speaker 3: Tournaments tournament, and so there was a tournament at the end,
Speaker 3: and they're like everybody on the team is I was
Speaker 3: usually benched, and they're like everybody on the team is
Speaker 3: playing in this one.
Speaker 2: And me and my other friend who was also like
Speaker 2: horrible at golf, we were matched up as a as
Speaker 2: a duo and we were golfing our way through. And
Speaker 2: then I don't remember how we found this out, but
Speaker 2: we realized that we were the only two people who
Speaker 2: scores were not being counted. They were just sending us
Speaker 2: through this course to do it and not telling us
Speaker 2: that we weren't included in the final score. They just
Speaker 2: like kept that from us, and looking back, it makes sense,
Speaker 2: but we were like I would have stayed home. I
Speaker 2: would have just pretended to be sick. I didn't have
Speaker 2: to come all the way out here to Santa Clarita
Speaker 2: or wherever to do this.
Speaker 1: It's like a wily coyote level diversion, like painting a
Speaker 1: golf course on a cliff face and being like, go
Speaker 1: play golf over there.
Speaker 2: That's horrible, sinister. So I think I have a lifelong
Speaker 2: sort of bias against golf courses.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, I feel that I'll mess with a miniature golf.
Speaker 1: I'll do that.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah.
Speaker 1: I love a mini golf mostly because I do like
Speaker 1: feeling like a giant when they've got like the houses
Speaker 1: and the windmills and stuff, and I'm like, rah, I'm
Speaker 1: so big, and then I hit a ball. It's like
Speaker 1: fear of me, townspeople.
Speaker 2: It's fun to feel like you're a big foot running
Speaker 2: through a Dutch village.
Speaker 1: That's like my number one fantasy is to be a
Speaker 1: big foot in a Dutch village. So that's why I
Speaker 1: like miniature golf. I once played miniature golf at a
Speaker 1: birthday party in elementary school, and I got an award
Speaker 1: for the lowest score and I thought they were like
Speaker 1: messing with me. I didn't understand that you want a
Speaker 1: low score, so I.
Speaker 2: Thought, so funny, I thought, I point, golf, make it
Speaker 2: high scores, just make it, just flip it.
Speaker 1: Do it. The most swings the most wins.
Speaker 2: Yeah. But yeah, I yea swings the fastest.
Speaker 1: Whoever hits the ball the hardest. Uh, it doesn't matter
Speaker 1: where it goes, it's just that energy. Yeah. But I
Speaker 1: thought I thought they were making fun of me, so
Speaker 1: it was really sad about it. And then I found
Speaker 1: out that's so fun.
Speaker 2: How long did it take you to figure out that
Speaker 2: you were actually the winner?
Speaker 1: I think I told my mommy that they all made
Speaker 1: fun of me with an award.
Speaker 2: For worst, and she not get your moment.
Speaker 1: So then she looked at the war and she's like, honey,
Speaker 1: this means you won. I was like, I what anyways?
Speaker 2: Uh yeah, that's a topic for my therapist childhood trauma.
Speaker 1: Right. So uh I too. Uh. I have no love
Speaker 1: for golf courses. I'm not saying that you cannot that.
Speaker 1: This is not like an anti golf podcast. Uh. If
Speaker 1: you like to golf, I'm not coming for you. I'm
Speaker 1: coming for specific golf courses because specific golf courses suck.
Speaker 1: Like when you put a golf course in sort of
Speaker 1: a desert terrain, a semi arid terrain, it's not gonna
Speaker 1: be good. So, uh, it takes up a huge amount
Speaker 1: of water because that green lawn, Like when you look
Speaker 1: at the picture of it, like we were talking about earlier,
Speaker 1: it the it's a stark difference between the surrounding environment.
Speaker 1: You have this like lush green, like uncanny grass, and
Speaker 1: then around it it's semiarit. So you've got your little
Speaker 1: scrubby brush she got your ma says, you got kind
Speaker 1: of red sandy hills and stuff, and so to maintain that,
Speaker 1: you need a ton of water. And the Arizona Department
Speaker 1: of Water Resources says that golf courses in the state
Speaker 1: of Arizona often exceed their allotted water usage. So that's
Speaker 1: not great.
Speaker 2: Yeah, grass just loves to soak up water. It's so ugh.
Speaker 2: It's so upsetting because I don't even think grass looks
Speaker 2: that good. Yeah, I feel like we could just fake it.
Speaker 2: I feel like we have the technology.
Speaker 1: Although I do hate AstroTurf. Yeah, AstroTurf freaks me out.
Speaker 1: And then whenever I have when I used to live
Speaker 1: in la and I would take my dog on walks
Speaker 1: and sometimes there would only be like AstroTurf nearby, and
Speaker 1: she'd try to do a poopy on it. It's like,
Speaker 1: what am I supposed to do? Like do I win
Speaker 1: decks the astro turf?
Speaker 2: Yeah, that she doesn't do it.
Speaker 1: I have to like clean it. I have to get
Speaker 1: like I have to like sponge off this ask the
Speaker 1: crappy doodoo streaks on the astro turf. So I hate that. Uh,
Speaker 1: but yeah, I mean it's not great to try to
Speaker 1: look like there's a ton of places where you could
Speaker 1: have a sustainable golf course, like golf was admitted in Scotland,
Speaker 1: I think for a reason because it's like, you know,
Speaker 1: they got tons of grass just there. You don't even
Speaker 1: have to planet.
Speaker 2: It's already there, endless.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Uh, and like there are Southern California is not meant for.
Speaker 1: Not really no, no, not not not especially.
Speaker 2: Oh wait this is where is this?
Speaker 1: This is this is an Arizona.
Speaker 2: It's a similar it's another even worse.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a similar situation in Arizona. So yeah, the
Speaker 1: unnatural grass of a golf course also reduces the diversity
Speaker 1: of plan. It's insects animals in that area. Again, like
Speaker 1: a golf course in an area where like grass and
Speaker 1: the tree, like say you use native trees and then
Speaker 1: the grass is also a typical part of that environment.
Speaker 1: It can be okay unless you hit like a rare
Speaker 1: bird with a golf ball. You can have a golf
Speaker 1: course that's more or less like fine. Again, like in
Speaker 1: the Arizona semi arid area. It's just really hard to
Speaker 1: make that work. One of the reasons the havelina are
Speaker 1: encroaching more on the golf course is not just a
Speaker 1: righteous anti golf stance, but because they are driven there
Speaker 1: by the drought because they have less access to you know,
Speaker 1: they eat a lot of vegetation, and so yeah, drought
Speaker 1: means less of these this abundance of the succulents that
Speaker 1: they eat, and so they see golf.
Speaker 2: Courses have a lot of water. They've gotten a lot
Speaker 2: of that. Those aquapanas, they've got fancy water there.
Speaker 1: They do like the alkaline what is it the like water.
Speaker 1: It's either alkaline free or full of alkalines. I don't
Speaker 1: remember what's good.
Speaker 2: There is the word alkaline on the bottle for shripe
Speaker 2: whether it's no alkaline or a lot of it. That's
Speaker 2: how you know.
Speaker 1: How much alkalines should I have? I don't. I've never
Speaker 1: figured that out.
Speaker 2: No, No, I've never. It's not on the food pyramids,
Speaker 2: so I not. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah. And the havelina that they want them they want
Speaker 1: well not really the water, but they do want the
Speaker 1: grass and the grubs especially. There's a lot of grubs
Speaker 1: in the ground, in the grass, and that's why they're
Speaker 1: tearing up the grass to get at the grubs because
Speaker 1: in a drought it's harder for them to get food elsewhere.
Speaker 1: And then when you have golf courses soaking up all
Speaker 1: the water, that only like contributes to the drought. So
Speaker 1: it's kind of like, hey, you know what, I'm sorry, but.
Speaker 2: Yeah, if you're laying if you, as a golf course,
Speaker 2: are laying out a buffet of firms and and and insects,
Speaker 2: you can't be surprised if someone comes and runs against it.
Speaker 1: Yeah. So in the past, golf courses have tried to
Speaker 1: discourage have alina by sprinkling coyote peepe around the golf course.
Speaker 1: You can buy I guess you can buy coyote peepe.
Speaker 1: I didn't realize this that you can just like go
Speaker 1: on like Amazon and buy coyote peepe.
Speaker 2: Man, that's that's too accessible. I wish it were harder
Speaker 2: to get coyote p.
Speaker 1: I guess. I mean, like I feel that if we
Speaker 1: don't make it accessible and safe, that people are gonna
Speaker 1: get coyote pepe like on the black market and it's
Speaker 1: gonna be cut with like fin or something.
Speaker 2: That's true. You can never be sure what's.
Speaker 1: Like, right, yeah, yeah, you legalize and regulate I'm legalized
Speaker 1: legalize and regulate coyote pep. But apparently so the idea
Speaker 1: is that the Havelina hate coyotes and so if you
Speaker 1: put coyote p it should scare off the have Alina.
Speaker 1: But it didn't work. It actually made the problem worse
Speaker 1: because apparently the have Alina went bananas for the coyote peepee.
Speaker 1: The like one of the golf course managers who tried this,
Speaker 1: like commented that it was like putting bacon bits on
Speaker 1: their salad, Like they went nuts for the coyote peepee,
Speaker 1: which is weird, Like they shouldn't.
Speaker 2: Use it because of the the attacking on site thing,
Speaker 2: Like were they or why would it do that.
Speaker 1: That's a really good question. That's actually what you're saying
Speaker 1: is like that could be a theory, right, Like they
Speaker 1: smell the coyote peepee, they're enraged, they see no coyote,
Speaker 1: and so they just go ham on the golf course itself.
Speaker 1: Another theory that I haven't and none of this is
Speaker 1: this is just like from my butt, because I couldn't
Speaker 1: find any actual explanation for this, is that like in
Speaker 1: a drought where they would encroach on a golf court,
Speaker 1: maybe the smell of a coyote is actually attractive to
Speaker 1: them because they're like, hey, if a coyote is here,
Speaker 1: that means there's stuff around, like maybe there's a carcass,
Speaker 1: maybe there's more abundance here. So if they smell coyote peepe,
Speaker 1: they're like, great, this means that we're in business. There's
Speaker 1: things to be had around here.
Speaker 2: I don't know when I smell like a weird like
Speaker 2: a like a a food truck that I don't like,
Speaker 2: but I can tell that there must be other food
Speaker 2: trucks nearby.
Speaker 1: Exactly. It's like you smell that weird smell that comes
Speaker 1: out of a subway sandwiches placed, you know what I'm
Speaker 1: talking about like every subway has that weird smell and
Speaker 1: you're like, well, the smell is bad, but I could
Speaker 1: at least get some potato chips from there.
Speaker 2: Exactly. Yeah, it's they're pumping the sort of like sandwich like,
Speaker 2: uh like from a hospital type smell. And that does
Speaker 2: mean that there's some prepackaged cookies in there.
Speaker 1: Right exactly exactly what is what even is that smell?
Speaker 1: It freaks me out because it's at every subways and
Speaker 1: it's not another sistent that.
Speaker 2: It feels like and I and I've I've heard this.
Speaker 2: I don't know if it's fully true that Disneyland pumps cinnamon.
Speaker 1: In the air and smell Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, it's like it's it's like childlike, yeah, psychologically
Speaker 2: the subway smell that they're pumping, because it seems intentional.
Speaker 2: If every single subway smells like that, they have to
Speaker 2: be bottling it somewhere.
Speaker 1: But it's not good, so is it. Maybe it's some
Speaker 1: kind of like skunk pheromone that makes you hungry where.
Speaker 2: We're like, we gotta have that weird turkey.
Speaker 1: I like turkey that squeaks between my teeth and that's
Speaker 1: why I get subway gross. So yeah, they love the
Speaker 1: coyote piss, so that didn't work. Now golf courses are
Speaker 1: trying to use chili oil to deter the Hailina, which
Speaker 1: seems to work. And I really hope that Havevelina develop
Speaker 1: a taste for chili oil for like spicy food and
Speaker 1: then like they're like, actually this is great. Now my
Speaker 1: salad of grass and grubs is spicy and delicious.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we're just giving them dressing, right, this could backfire.
Speaker 1: Right, just put a little bit of balsamic on there. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I mean, in summary, I am fully on team Hovelinas
Speaker 1: as well. They were their first golf courses. When you
Speaker 1: put them in the wrong habitats, they're not good for
Speaker 1: the environment. They drink up a huge amount of water.
Speaker 2: And if this were a Disney movie, I think it
Speaker 2: would be very clear which side to be on. Right,
Speaker 2: the Hovelinas would be animated, and the antagonist is always
Speaker 2: an evil golf club, a land developer.
Speaker 1: Right, it'll be a mean golf club named Jerry.
Speaker 2: And Jerry's Evil Golf.
Speaker 1: Yeah exactly, And then they'll learn some kind of lesson
Speaker 1: and like the main character is like this Havevelina girl
Speaker 1: who's like really quirky and kind of clumsy, but she's hot.
Speaker 2: Oh she's gone, and she's gotta be hot.
Speaker 1: We got tickets somehow, Yeah, gotta make got you know what,
Speaker 1: Like the people come, they don't come just to see hovelina.
Speaker 1: They come to see hot havevelina. But yeah. So golf
Speaker 1: courses are also often private. They use huge areas that
Speaker 1: could be like a public park or public space, but no,
Speaker 1: they're like a private golf course, which The Seven Canyons
Speaker 1: Golf Club is open only to members who pay twenty
Speaker 1: five to fifty thousand dollars for initiation. That's the initiation fee,
Speaker 1: and then no, and it's another ten to fifteen thousand
Speaker 1: dollars in annual dues.
Speaker 2: So oh my, how what do you what? Where's the money? What?
Speaker 2: What do you need that much money for? I feel
Speaker 2: like at this point they're just trying to weed out
Speaker 2: the semi rich people who might join.
Speaker 1: They're like, I mean that's why, I mean, that's why, right,
Speaker 1: Like yeah, it's it's it's a club for like, hey, like,
Speaker 1: do you have the morals such that you would spend
Speaker 1: this amount of money to join a snooty golf club
Speaker 1: in the middle of a semi arid region and then
Speaker 1: get mad at havelina.
Speaker 2: Uh I, oh yeah, that's that's so bad.
Speaker 1: I can't relate to these people.
Speaker 2: Also, I don't have it. I mean, maybe I'll win
Speaker 2: the lottery and then my brain chemistry will completely change
Speaker 2: and I won't want to associate with anybody making less
Speaker 2: than forty billion dollars a second.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, I mean that that would happen to all
Speaker 1: of us. As soon as you get enough money, you're
Speaker 1: suddenly like, yeall drop fifty grand on a private golf
Speaker 1: Uh yeah, that smells like coyote pepe because like we
Speaker 1: keep sprinkling coyote piss around the golf course to keep
Speaker 1: the cavlina off.
Speaker 2: Be very funny if coyote peepe becomes like a wealth signifier, right,
Speaker 2: if you're wealthy, just hang out. It's a sign that
Speaker 2: you hang out around golf courses.
Speaker 1: Right, Like, oh, to golf peepee, and people are gonna
Speaker 1: like like buy golf peepe, sorry, golf peepee. They're gonna
Speaker 1: buy coyote pepe to make it seem like they're a
Speaker 1: member of an expensive golf club.
Speaker 2: But you're gonna there's gonna be knockoffs and that's not
Speaker 2: gonna be real coyote p There's gonna be people in
Speaker 2: the in the upper middle class. We're wearing like porcupine
Speaker 2: pe to try and still like them, but it's not
Speaker 2: the same, And real rich people can smell the difference, right.
Speaker 1: I hate when they can smell the difference, like smell
Speaker 1: they're like, Oh, that's that's a that's a koy wolf pepe.
Speaker 1: That's not the same. Ah. So yeah. Another reason I
Speaker 1: think the Havelina are perfectly justified is that people can
Speaker 1: legally hunt Havevelina, and I think it's fair that Havevelena
Speaker 1: hunt golfers, Like you can't have a You can't just
Speaker 1: like say like, yeah, you can hunt Havevelena. And I'll
Speaker 1: be like, hey, maybe the Havelina want to hunt some golfers.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and maybe, I mean, maybe they know a lot
Speaker 2: about Arizona state law. Maybe if that law is repealed,
Speaker 2: they'll back off.
Speaker 1: Yeah, look, you know what you gotta You gotta give
Speaker 1: a little to the Havelina if you expect them to
Speaker 1: leave our golf courses alone.
Speaker 2: Yeah, maybe this is kind of a mafia shakedown.
Speaker 1: Yes, look, nice golf course you got here. Would be
Speaker 1: a shame if we tore it up, even though you
Speaker 1: covered in coyote peepee.
Speaker 2: Someone munched on this thing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I do. I do think they would be
Speaker 1: a good gangsters because of again the heels, the Louis vouton.
Speaker 1: Uh yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're intimidating, They're sharp, very much.
Speaker 1: Have Alena have been photographed giving raccoons rides on their backs.
Speaker 2: So okay, okay, I love it.
Speaker 1: I don't have any other information. That's it. There have
Speaker 1: been a photograph, that's it. There's been no you don't
Speaker 1: know why or or I'm sorry, this is a learning podcast, but.
Speaker 2: You've just dropped something major on me. And now I'm
Speaker 2: gonna think about it for weeks.
Speaker 1: I know, like, I don't have all the answers. I
Speaker 1: can only tell you what I know, and I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna make anything up. So the facts on the ground
Speaker 1: is that there have been at least one photographs of
Speaker 1: a raccoon riding on a Havevelna and some anecdotal stories
Speaker 1: people tell about. Yes, I've also seen a raccoon get
Speaker 1: on top of a have Alina to try to eat
Speaker 1: food out of some kind of bird feeder. So this
Speaker 1: is a thing that might be happen.
Speaker 2: This is a thing that might be happening. This is huge, right.
Speaker 2: I love when animals are friends. It just there's just
Speaker 2: such a mystery. How did they do it, how do
Speaker 2: they communicate? What do they have to talk about?
Speaker 1: I don't know. I mean I think like it seems
Speaker 1: like the raccoon and the hovelina are would be natural allies,
Speaker 1: just in terms of tearing through things and going the
Speaker 1: sort of vibe.
Speaker 2: And like Internet support Internet cloud, they both like people
Speaker 2: love raccoons online as well.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, have you seen that video of the guy
Speaker 1: feeding in a huge tub full of hot dogs to raccoons?
Speaker 2: Yes, I like him. I also I follow this TikTok
Speaker 2: account that called raccoon Ravine and they post videos. They
Speaker 2: go live every single night feeding wild raccoons. Yeah, they
Speaker 2: just flock to the porch and there's dozens of up.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I mean, like, in terms of uh sort of
Speaker 1: animal welfare, I would cush against feeding raccoons hot dogs.
Speaker 1: I don't think it's a good thing to do. However,
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie and say
Speaker 1: I don't enjoy the video of this man reaching his
Speaker 1: hand into a slimy bucket of hot dogs and handing
Speaker 1: them out to a bunch of raccoons.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we didn't watch, We didn't. We didn't get the
Speaker 2: hot dog.
Speaker 1: I didn't. That's not on us.
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's only so much.
Speaker 1: Like I'm not you know, it's true, maybe that I
Speaker 1: inadvertently fund the hot dog feeding by watching the YouTube video,
Speaker 1: But there's no ethical consumption in capitalism. So I'm gonna
Speaker 1: I'm gonna let myself have that one.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, we deserve something nice every once.
Speaker 1: In a while, exactly. So we're gonna take a quick
Speaker 1: break and when we get back, we're gonna talk about
Speaker 1: some more animals that are reclaiming golf courses as well
Speaker 1: as an apossum. It could be the next big football
Speaker 1: player if only the coach would let them. We'll bear
Speaker 1: it back. Okay, So I did want to say that
Speaker 1: it's not just the havelina. As much as we love them,
Speaker 1: Havevelinas aren't the only ones taken back the golf courses.
Speaker 1: There are other animals that will try to reclaim the
Speaker 1: golf course. Like everywhere basically put a golf course where
Speaker 1: there are also animals, which is most places. Native animals
Speaker 1: will try to make use of it, because what else
Speaker 1: are they supposed to do? Put a golf course there?
Speaker 2: You put a golf course that if you give a
Speaker 2: mouse a cook, if you leave a cookie out for
Speaker 2: the mouse, it's gonna take it right. Like that book.
Speaker 1: It's like that book. If you give a mouse a
Speaker 1: golf course, you can't use coyote pep on it. It's
Speaker 1: not going to work.
Speaker 2: And I love that book and I'm going to read
Speaker 2: it to my kids someday.
Speaker 1: I was confused by it as a child, but I
Speaker 1: get it now in retrospect that all makes sense. Yes.
Speaker 1: So some notable golf course activists are the bull sharks
Speaker 1: of Brisbane, Australia. Bull sharks reclaimed a water hazard as
Speaker 1: their personal pool. You might wonder how bull sharks got
Speaker 1: into a golf course. Well, a flood in nineteen ninety
Speaker 1: six swept a group of bull sharks into the Carbrook
Speaker 1: golf Club. So yes, and that's wild. Six sharks found
Speaker 1: themselves in one of the golf cours's water hazards and
Speaker 1: ended up just living there. So they just got to
Speaker 1: stay to say, I mean, what are you gonna do?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: You can't. I don't think you can kill the bull sharks, right,
Speaker 1: I think they're protected.
Speaker 2: I guess that does become like a money issue of like, Okay,
Speaker 2: are we gonna get a shark bulldozer to like picket?
Speaker 2: Are we gonna pay a shark catcher?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 2: Call a boat?
Speaker 1: Who do you know? How do you like? Yeah, it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: you know, we're just gonna airlift each shark back over there.
Speaker 1: Like no, I don't know, I don't know how you
Speaker 1: relocate once the sharks are in there. It's like it's
Speaker 1: a dickens of a time trying to get them out.
Speaker 1: But yeah, so they lived there for another seventeen years,
Speaker 1: eating the fish that the golf course stocked and surviving
Speaker 1: the low salinity of the artificial lake like they were.
Speaker 1: They seem to be fine for like almost two decades.
Speaker 2: That's great. And then did the generation just kind of
Speaker 2: die off?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, I don't think. I don't think they managed
Speaker 1: to maintain a new sort of bull shark colony there.
Speaker 1: But yeah, I mean the fact they lived there for
Speaker 1: like twenty years is it's pretty impressive.
Speaker 2: Impressive.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah. And also kangaroos off and over take golf
Speaker 1: courses in Australia. Good for them.
Speaker 2: I love that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, this Cucuosa Golf Club of South Africa is right
Speaker 1: next to a wild life reserve and so frequently gets
Speaker 1: the kinds of animals that would be in South Africa
Speaker 1: on a wildlife reserve. So hyenas lions just kind of
Speaker 1: like waltzing in. In twenty twenty two, a group of
Speaker 1: lions and hyenas took over the third hole with a
Speaker 1: massive giraffe carcass that they were fighting over. So you know.
Speaker 2: That's wild. It's really showed. Okay, Like this is in
Speaker 2: English class, I feel like you learn about the different
Speaker 2: story archetypes where it's like man versus man, man versus self,
Speaker 2: man versus nature. I think there's another category which is
Speaker 2: nature versus golf course.
Speaker 1: It's actually a whole thing, Yes, a whole genre.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it's untapped. I think we can get
Speaker 2: into it.
Speaker 1: Yeah exactly. I mean it's it's the classic story of
Speaker 1: a hyena who drags sort of a the liver of
Speaker 1: a giraffe over to a golf hole and plops it
Speaker 1: in and gets par or birdie. I'm what's golf?
Speaker 2: It's classic. They get a yeah, birdie a par I
Speaker 2: played a lot of we golf. I wasn't too bad
Speaker 2: at that.
Speaker 1: Oh nice, there's album one too. Hole in one. That's
Speaker 1: that's golf.
Speaker 2: I think that's the big money word we've been serving.
Speaker 1: That's the golf. A hole in one, A liver and
Speaker 1: one a liver a giraffe liver in one. Uh, there's
Speaker 1: the joke we did manage to. We clawed our way
Speaker 1: to kicking and screaming. Yeah. So plenty of animals do
Speaker 1: like to take over golf courses, and all the power
Speaker 1: to them. But before we move on, I definitely wanted
Speaker 1: to talk about another animal internet celebrity gripping the nation.
Speaker 1: It's an apossum who was desperate, desperate to toss around
Speaker 1: the old pigskin, but the man didn't let him do it.
Speaker 1: An anonymous apossum ran across Texas Texas Texas Tech University's
Speaker 1: football field during a game against the Red Raiders. He
Speaker 1: was unjustly detained and grappled with a restraining pole and
Speaker 1: dragged off the field. Kylie, have you seen the story
Speaker 1: of this intrepid apossum?
Speaker 2: I have, and I am once again joining the side
Speaker 2: of the animals against, yes, against organized sports. I loved
Speaker 2: the video of this apossum being dragged off it. Like,
Speaker 2: I've never seen someone want something more than that. Possum
Speaker 2: wanted to be on that field.
Speaker 1: He wants to play. Uh, he wants coach to put
Speaker 1: him in and he's a little bit like and they
Speaker 1: won't give him a chance. No, Like, this isn't how
Speaker 1: Rudy ended.
Speaker 2: Rudy the movie.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that was a football movie, right.
Speaker 2: Oh, that sounds like it was it.
Speaker 1: Called Notre Dame or something. What's the movie? It's Sean
Speaker 1: Actually no, it's Sean Hobbit, isn't it. Huh Uh Sean Aston.
Speaker 1: He plays a football guy and they put him in
Speaker 1: the game. Anyways, and this would happen.
Speaker 2: And you know what, if we have airbud why not?
Speaker 2: Why not this?
Speaker 1: It's a classic legal loophole of there's nothing in the
Speaker 1: football rules that says an apossum shouldn't play football, and
Speaker 1: so you do, actually legally, under punishment of prison time,
Speaker 1: let the apossum play.
Speaker 2: Yeah, if you are I'm sorry. If you are a sport,
Speaker 2: you need to make it very clear in your rules
Speaker 2: which animals cannot play. Right until you do that, this
Speaker 2: is just gonna keep happening.
Speaker 1: You have to name every single animal. Yeah, and some
Speaker 1: of them are tiny, like you might even know they're playing.
Speaker 1: They might be out there.
Speaker 2: Fromes covering this field. They are making it plays and
Speaker 2: you have no idea.
Speaker 1: Right there may be a Tartar grade on that ball
Speaker 1: technically his touchdowns, so you never know. Yeah, but yeah,
Speaker 1: that that apostum was dragged literally kicking and screaming and
Speaker 1: clywing at the ground, and everybody loved him. Everybody wanted
Speaker 1: him to be left alone, to be allowed to play
Speaker 1: the game. And yeah, I think he should have been
Speaker 1: put in because the Red Raiders won against the home team,
Speaker 1: So if they just let him play, you know, maybe
Speaker 1: things would have been different.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, they he wanted to you know, he's probably
Speaker 2: been on the sideline spying on this for a long
Speaker 2: time and and he wanted to help. I felt him.
Speaker 1: I feel like your kindred spirits because you got sidelined
Speaker 1: from your your golf turning attorney, your golf tourney.
Speaker 2: It's true. It's just another list of injustices that have
Speaker 2: that have been that have been committed against underdogs.
Speaker 1: Right under possums. So I did see on your Twitter
Speaker 1: that you wanted to know what it sounded like. So
Speaker 1: I don't. I do not have uh, I do not
Speaker 1: have the sound to the video of this the pot
Speaker 1: that was on the football field. I don't even know
Speaker 1: if that audio exists. If it does, send it to me,
Speaker 1: it's important, but I do have to hear it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I do have audio of what an angry a possum
Speaker 1: sounds like. So you could kind of extrapolate this. So
Speaker 1: here is what a mad possum sounds like.
Speaker 2: Oh, it sounds more like a passive aggressive possum.
Speaker 1: He's maybe a little sweepy, like he might be a
Speaker 1: little sweepy but still upset a little like grumble grumble.
Speaker 2: Why didn't you check the group.
Speaker 1: Text right exactly? I feel like, so this one it's
Speaker 1: you know, that's a fair point. I feel like that
Speaker 1: is the sound of an a passively angry possum. I
Speaker 1: think I do also have a sound of a little
Speaker 1: more a little more intense anger. There you go, So
Speaker 1: that to me is a little more but maybe even
Speaker 1: pump that up. I feel like the sound of this
Speaker 1: football possible he wanted to play football so.
Speaker 2: Bad, Like imagine that like tripled, because the way this
Speaker 2: mouth is positioned like that can be nothing but a scream.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he is a it's you know what, like I
Speaker 1: feel like this is going to be an iconic photo
Speaker 1: of American resistance, you know, the spirit of like rebellion.
Speaker 1: Look at him.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, it's He's a sports hero of our time,
Speaker 2: and I think we he deserves to be treated.
Speaker 1: As such exactly. I mean it's like, I don't know,
Speaker 1: I think that if the rules say that an apossum
Speaker 1: can't play football, then what are we even doing? Like
Speaker 1: why even have the sport?
Speaker 2: Why even have the sport if you're gonna if you're
Speaker 2: gonna exclude.
Speaker 1: People exactly or possums. So uh that is that. Godspeed
Speaker 1: a little possum. I really hope, uh everything goes well
Speaker 1: for you. And uh, before we go, we've got to
Speaker 1: play a little game. It's called Guess Who's squawking? The
Speaker 1: Mystery Animal Sound Game. Every week I play Mystery Animal
Speaker 1: sound in you the listener, and you the guests, try
Speaker 1: to guess who it is. It can be any animal
Speaker 1: in the world. Uh. Last week's mystery animal sound hint
Speaker 1: was this this baby has one of the longest snoops,
Speaker 1: but definitely don't boop. Oh do you hear that?
Speaker 2: I do Okay, and you said, and the clue.
Speaker 1: Was, and the clue was, this baby has one of
Speaker 1: the longest snoots, but definitely don't boop.
Speaker 2: But don't boom. Okay, I feel like it's not an
Speaker 2: ant eater, but it's like adjacent to an ant eater.
Speaker 2: Like I feel like I heard that anteaters are actually
Speaker 2: kind of mean, but but maybe I'm wrong. You know what,
Speaker 2: I'll lock in anteater. Let's see.
Speaker 1: I mean they're adjacent to ant eaters in that they
Speaker 1: do both have long snoots. But this is actually a reptile.
Speaker 1: This is a garrial.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 1: This is a crocodillion crocodilian. Crocodilion, a crocodile. It is
Speaker 1: a garial. Congratulations to Auntie Bee, Jack M and kat S.
Speaker 1: So I'll guess correctly. This is a baby GARYL.
Speaker 2: So uh.
Speaker 1: I do encourage you to google baby Gariel. It's bell
Speaker 1: g H A R I A L. And then you
Speaker 1: put baby in front of it and then just like,
Speaker 1: look at that little needlenose filler.
Speaker 2: Oh my, oh, oh my gosh, she's a paraplyers.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's Plyers. If Plyers was an animal, this would
Speaker 1: be it. Uh. They are crocodiles found in rivers in
Speaker 1: India with extremely long and thin snouts, with one hundred
Speaker 1: and ten teeth, Lots of teeth.
Speaker 2: It's a lot.
Speaker 1: It's so many teeth. I get tired flossing my teeth.
Speaker 2: I know these these thirty or thirty two many babies,
Speaker 2: however many I don't.
Speaker 1: It's too many, too many to keep too many. I'm
Speaker 1: uncomfortable with how many teeth we have? Have you ever seen? Okay,
Speaker 1: now I'm going to rephrase the question that doesn't make
Speaker 1: me sound like a murderer, because I was gonna say,
Speaker 1: have you ever seen like a child's skull? That's not
Speaker 1: what I mean. Have you ever seen like the uh
Speaker 1: sort of like how an X ray of a tackle
Speaker 1: where they have all the baby teeth above the real
Speaker 1: uh or the baby teeth are below, but then the
Speaker 1: real teeth are up there, and then they just have
Speaker 1: their faces so full of teeth.
Speaker 2: It's it's horrifying just looking at that makes it feel
Speaker 2: like we're sharks, Like right, it doesn't look.
Speaker 1: Natural exactly, and so like, hey, you know what, in
Speaker 1: a certain way, aren't we the garials? Uh? When we're children?
Speaker 1: Are we all?
Speaker 2: So?
Speaker 1: Yeah, they got a lot of teeth, and they can
Speaker 1: get quite big, so they look deceptively small. I think
Speaker 1: because their snout is so narrow it makes them look
Speaker 1: like they're kind of like the nerd version of a crocodile,
Speaker 1: so they must be kind of puny. They're actually big.
Speaker 1: They can be from around eight feet to almost twenty
Speaker 1: feet long, so that's a half to six meters us.
Speaker 2: Again looking like this this big. Yeah, tiny tiny.
Speaker 1: I feel like you just think everything is tiny.
Speaker 2: I think I do. I think because I'm big and
Speaker 2: my computer screen is small, right, Like, well, these guys
Speaker 2: are miniscule.
Speaker 1: I get really confused when people are far away because
Speaker 1: I'm like, whoa, you're really tiny, And then they get.
Speaker 2: Close, when someone standing by the horizon right short, And
Speaker 2: then when they're next to.
Speaker 1: You, they're like, wait, why did you get so big?
Speaker 1: I don't like this. You were small and now you're
Speaker 1: big and stay small please. Uh So, yeah, these ones
Speaker 1: are pretty big. Males can be bulkier than the female's.
Speaker 1: Males also develop a bulbous protrusion on the tip of
Speaker 1: their nose that they use as a resonance chamber for
Speaker 1: mating calls. It's shaped like a piece of pottery pottery
Speaker 1: known as a gara. That's the name garial. So that's
Speaker 1: how they got their name. A weird They got a
Speaker 1: weird lump on their nose that the males use to
Speaker 1: make sexy squonks.
Speaker 2: And it is a it's a sexy lump, it is.
Speaker 1: It's you know, lumps and bumps are sexy unless they're malignant.
Speaker 1: Get them checked out, folks.
Speaker 2: Yep.
Speaker 1: So, while these are big, they are typically harmless to
Speaker 1: humans because their long, narrow snouts are optimized for catching fish,
Speaker 1: not larger prey. They do not view humans as prey.
Speaker 1: They typically catch and swallow their fish whole. Sometimes they
Speaker 1: will swallow stones or rocks to help crush the food
Speaker 1: in their stomachs to age and aid in digestion, this
Speaker 1: habit which other animals do as well. In this context,
Speaker 1: the stone is called a gastrolith, like a Tommy stone.
Speaker 1: You can call it a Tommy stone, a.
Speaker 2: Tommy stone of course.
Speaker 1: Yeah. They've even apparently swallowed jewelry, so you know that's
Speaker 1: like Tommy stones that are classy. Yeah.
Speaker 2: And man, maybe that's where the Titanic thing went at
Speaker 2: the end.
Speaker 1: I wish you know what that would have been so
Speaker 1: sick if at the end of Titanic she throws it
Speaker 1: in the ocean and then a shark comes up and
Speaker 1: eats it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I just want a pair of teeth emerging from
Speaker 2: the water and lamping down on it.
Speaker 1: Had like I would even be fine with, like, I
Speaker 1: don't know, a swordfish, like hooking it on. It's new,
Speaker 1: you know something. Yeah, some playfulness there.
Speaker 2: You've done a whole movie on the water and I
Speaker 2: haven't even seen a single fish.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, are there no fish in I don't know.
Speaker 2: I think I've I've I've only watched the movie an
Speaker 2: hour at a time when I was a kid, and
Speaker 2: it would play on like TNT or something. It'd be
Speaker 2: like forty seven commercial breaks, and so I'd never get
Speaker 2: through it.
Speaker 1: But I'm super honest with you too.
Speaker 2: I would imagine that the rich people probably ate lobster
Speaker 2: at some point.
Speaker 1: That's not a fish though, that's a that's true. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so I remember there being birds. I don't remember a
Speaker 1: single fish, which is weird because I feel like David
Speaker 1: Cameron has been in the water a lot, so uh yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: he had to see a lot of fish when he
Speaker 1: was descending down to the marriages trench exactly. So that's weird.
Speaker 1: I feel sort of like my mind is blown that
Speaker 1: there's not enough fish in the Titanic. But yeah, so garials.
Speaker 1: There are a lot of fish when it comes to gariles,
Speaker 1: given that they eat them a lot and their snoots
Speaker 1: are perfect for catching fish. Uh, And yeah, I mean,
Speaker 1: you know, they're not a threat to us. Sadly, humans
Speaker 1: are a threat to gariles because of you know, sort
Speaker 1: of the the same old, same old habitat destruction, fishing, pollution,
Speaker 1: et cetera. So garial populations are critically endangered, which sucks
Speaker 1: because like, again, they're the needlenosed pliers of the animal kingdom.
Speaker 1: And I feel like needlenose pliers are those things where
Speaker 1: I constantly need them and I feel like, oh, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, and I never have them, and
Speaker 1: I never have them, and I'm like, I thought I
Speaker 1: bought them because of the lagat safety.
Speaker 2: And I keep buying them over and over and over again.
Speaker 1: Where do they go?
Speaker 2: Never find them? Where do they there's someone is they're
Speaker 2: they're deep in the couch cushions of saving. Yeah, I
Speaker 2: feel like maybe it's habitat destruction of the needle nose pliers. Uh,
Speaker 2: but yeah, I mean it's it's a metaphor, right, Like,
Speaker 2: we can't find our needlenose pliers and the guriles are
Speaker 2: critically endangered.
Speaker 1: Who's to say who suffers more?
Speaker 2: Who's to say if the needlenose pliers rustling about in
Speaker 2: the bottom of our toolboxes? Yeah, for these live animals.
Speaker 1: Yeah, everyone has a chaos drawer for the needle nose pliers.
Speaker 1: But then they're never there, and then you.
Speaker 2: Find a garyle in there, and it's like, I wasn't looking.
Speaker 1: That's where the guryles. That's where the garyles are. They're
Speaker 1: in the junk drawer. Anyways, we gotta save them there
Speaker 1: I like them, and give the golf courses to the havevelinas. Anyways,
Speaker 1: onto this week's mystery animal sound. The hint is this,
Speaker 1: this animal has a more famous catchphrase, but it has
Speaker 1: plenty of other things to say. That's not it, sir?
Speaker 1: All right, Kaylee, who do you think that is?
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, well, I I got caught up in
Speaker 2: the famous animal catchphrases thing, and I'm like, oh, maybe
Speaker 2: Mickey mouse and and it's a mouse, but I can't
Speaker 2: even remember what Mickey mouse.
Speaker 1: Wait, what is Micky. I don't think he.
Speaker 2: Did.
Speaker 1: That's okay, you're blowing up like, oh gosh, but I
Speaker 1: think that.
Speaker 2: I don't like that's a catchphrase.
Speaker 1: I thought that was goofy.
Speaker 2: I thought googley. Goofy says gosh, he says, oh, gorsh.
Speaker 2: Minnie says, oh, says some variation of.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, What the hell is Mickey's catchphrase? Uh so
Speaker 1: there's okay, let me get this straight. There's no that's
Speaker 1: all folks.
Speaker 2: No, that's tweeting bird. Wait, it's not even a tweetybird.
Speaker 1: No, that's a porky pig.
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, okay, well that that might make me fresh
Speaker 2: out of animal slogans.
Speaker 1: And it's not.
Speaker 2: It sounds kind of birdie, it sounds kind of twittery.
Speaker 2: It sounds a little like like it sounds like a
Speaker 2: bunch of them or is it just one?
Speaker 1: There could be more than one. Okay, I give you that.
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, okay. Flamingus, Oh my gosh, gosh, I I'm stop.
Speaker 1: It's a flamingo's catchphrase.
Speaker 2: Ah, come on over your guys, come my gown. It's charty.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I know when they.
Speaker 2: Say that, I remember that.
Speaker 1: It's the famous the flamingo catchphrase a come on over here.
Speaker 2: Guys, Come on over here, guys.
Speaker 1: Well, we will find out next week what this mister
Speaker 1: anill sound is. If you out there think you know
Speaker 1: what this is, if you think it's a flamingo going
Speaker 1: come on over here, guys, write to me at Creature
Speaker 1: featurepot at gmail dot com. You can also write to
Speaker 1: me your questions because next week is going to be
Speaker 1: a listener Questions episode. I might answer this question in
Speaker 1: the next next week episode of Creature Features. Anyways, it'll
Speaker 1: all make sense at a certain point in the future.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 1: The point is, write to me, send me pictures of
Speaker 1: your pets. Uh, send me pictures of have Alina whatever.
Speaker 1: And and Kylie, thank you so much for joining us today.
Speaker 1: It is an absolute pleasure to have you on. Where
Speaker 1: can people find you?
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for having me. I I I loved,
Speaker 2: I loved, I loved it all, and I love my
Speaker 2: Hovelina's I've tea Pavelina forever. I am on Instagram and
Speaker 2: TikTok at Dead Eye breakemen. I'm still technically on Twitter,
Speaker 2: but I don't I don't know what's going on there.
Speaker 1: And then I have a podcast.
Speaker 2: It's an improvised Hollywood round table podcast called Artists on
Speaker 2: Artists on Artists on Artists.
Speaker 1: It's a mouthful how many artists it is?
Speaker 2: Four artists, four artists.
Speaker 1: Thanks for to type in that exactly, or else you
Speaker 1: get a different podcast that is messed up.
Speaker 2: It's a rival podcast and it's Oh man, they're eating
Speaker 2: us alive.
Speaker 1: There's three artists, the three the three artists are really good.
Speaker 1: The five artists.
Speaker 2: Eh, yeah, yeah they do.
Speaker 1: And I get it. Yeah, you know what, get it?
Speaker 1: Freeze a christ Freeze. It's a group and five's a crowd.
Speaker 1: I don't know what it is. Come on over here, guys.
Speaker 1: That's go on over here, God, come on over here, guys.
Speaker 1: Check out her podcasts and check out her videos hilariously
Speaker 1: funny videos. Thank you guys so much for listening. If
Speaker 1: you're enjoying the show and you leave a rating and review,
Speaker 1: I deeply greatly appreciate it. I read all the reviews,
Speaker 1: every single one of them, even the mean ones, especially
Speaker 1: the mean ones, but most of them are nice. I
Speaker 1: appreciate it. And thanks to the Space Classics for their
Speaker 1: super awesome song x so Lumina. Creature features a production
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Speaker 1: visit the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcasts, or Hey guess what?
Speaker 1: May you listen to your favorite shows? J Love. I
Speaker 1: can't tell you what what you gotta do with your life.
Speaker 1: That's for you to figure out, my friend. See you
Speaker 1: next Wednesday.