WEBVTT - S2 Ep Bonus - Behind the Scenes

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<v Speaker 1>As we were working on the Turning Room of Mirrors,

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<v Speaker 1>we came across so many fascinating stories that we didn't

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<v Speaker 1>have time for in the final series, So today's episode

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<v Speaker 1>will sound a little different. I asked each of our

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<v Speaker 1>team members to bring a tidbit or story that they

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<v Speaker 1>stumbled across and working on the series that fascinated them

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<v Speaker 1>or surprised them, and to share it with the group.

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<v Speaker 1>So today we're all here to talk. We have Emily Foreman,

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<v Speaker 1>our editor, James Trout or JT who sound designed the series,

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<v Speaker 1>and Ailan Lance Lesser, who co wrote and reported the

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<v Speaker 1>series with me. You may remember she's also my sister.

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<v Speaker 1>You've heard from her before. So Ailen, what did you

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<v Speaker 1>bring today? What's been on your mind?

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<v Speaker 2>So I don't know. As we were researching the world

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<v Speaker 2>of Ballet, one little piece that stuck out to me

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<v Speaker 2>was something that actually Chloe Angel talked a lot about

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<v Speaker 2>when we spoke with her, and that she also wrote

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<v Speaker 2>about in her book, and it's point shoes. When I

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<v Speaker 2>think of Ballet, one of the first images that comes

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<v Speaker 2>to mind is point shoes. One could even argue that

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<v Speaker 2>they're part of the mystery and the mystique and actually

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<v Speaker 2>they were first developed in the eighteen thirties when a

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<v Speaker 2>bunch of choreographers were interested in getting dancers to look

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<v Speaker 2>like they're floating. But what's interesting to me is over

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<v Speaker 2>time since then, well over one hundred years, point shoes

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<v Speaker 2>really haven't changed that much. Obviously they've changed to some degree,

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<v Speaker 2>but ultimately most point shoes are still being made out

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<v Speaker 2>of the same materials and that's fabric, glue, and paper.

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<v Speaker 2>They're very uncomfortable, like it's not fun to be a

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<v Speaker 2>point shoe. They can also lead to a bunch of

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<v Speaker 2>stress fractures in your feet and toes. They can lead

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<v Speaker 2>to ankle injuries, they can lead to horrible blisters and bunions.

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<v Speaker 2>And also when you're walking around day to day, usually

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<v Speaker 2>you put about thirty percent of your body weight on

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<v Speaker 2>your big toe. That's you know, normal day to day

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<v Speaker 2>walking around. But when you're on a point shoe and

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<v Speaker 2>you're on point, you're putting all of your body weight

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<v Speaker 2>right on your big toe and also specifically on the

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<v Speaker 2>joint next to your big toe, and that joint isn't

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<v Speaker 2>used to that, so it's very painful and it really

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<v Speaker 2>can lead to a lot of injury. For dancers, which

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<v Speaker 2>first of all affects their careers or it could affect

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<v Speaker 2>them long term, even just day to day living moving

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<v Speaker 2>around the world.

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<v Speaker 3>I've heard this many times. Pointes are made of fabric,

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<v Speaker 3>glue and pater yeat. I just don't understand where the

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<v Speaker 3>sport comes from. It sounds like a paper mache project

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<v Speaker 3>to me.

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<v Speaker 2>I think that's what's kind of shocking about it. They're

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<v Speaker 2>not using up to date materials.

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<v Speaker 1>Usually at least they are like really hard paper and

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<v Speaker 1>cloth sounds not hard, but the glue turns it into

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<v Speaker 1>this very hard thing.

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<v Speaker 2>Dancers are often you know, whacking their point shoes on

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<v Speaker 2>the wall or on the ground, even using hammers to

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<v Speaker 2>try to get them softer. And then also what can

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<v Speaker 2>happen is you finally get your shoes to the place

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<v Speaker 2>where they're perfect, where they're just the right amount of

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<v Speaker 2>firmness and flexibility, but then they start to go too far,

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<v Speaker 2>they're too worn in, and then you have to get

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<v Speaker 2>a new pair. So also a lot of dancers go

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<v Speaker 2>through point shoes very quickly.

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<v Speaker 3>At its best, when your point shoe is broken in,

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<v Speaker 3>what does it feel like.

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<v Speaker 1>The shank is bending with your arch and helping to

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<v Speaker 1>support you, which is why it's so important that you

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<v Speaker 1>have shoes that are not dead are overbroken in.

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<v Speaker 2>Also, they need to be firm enough because the box

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<v Speaker 2>on some level helps protect the joint by keeping it stiff.

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<v Speaker 2>But if it's too stiff, that's also a problem because

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<v Speaker 2>then it's harder to move.

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<v Speaker 4>So like seemingly there's like another material that could just

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<v Speaker 4>be that.

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<v Speaker 2>Stiffness exactly JT. And it's funny that you say that,

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<v Speaker 2>because I think if you contrast what's happened with ballet

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<v Speaker 2>equipment against what has happened in sporting gear, I mean,

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<v Speaker 2>it's really shocking to contrast those two. So take something

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<v Speaker 2>like soccer. You think of shin guards back in the day.

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<v Speaker 2>Initially they were just kind of like padding, and then

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<v Speaker 2>over time they developed all kinds of new materials to

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<v Speaker 2>the point where today as a player, you can pick

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<v Speaker 2>how heavy your shin guards are, how hard they are,

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<v Speaker 2>how they fit you, how big they are, all these

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<v Speaker 2>different things. Or even cleats, they've changed a lot, and

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<v Speaker 2>when turf was invented, cleats totally changed to help protect

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<v Speaker 2>players against turf injuries. Or you think about American football

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<v Speaker 2>helmets and how obviously those are very important for protection.

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<v Speaker 2>But football helmets are lab tested and the NFL actually

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<v Speaker 2>requires players to wear certain helmets that don't fall under

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<v Speaker 2>this not recommended category by these lab tests, and it's

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<v Speaker 2>constantly changing year to year, whereas in ballet it really

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<v Speaker 2>isn't changing that much. Now, there have been some changes,

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<v Speaker 2>some companies have tried playing around with material it's not

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<v Speaker 2>like no one has tried it. For example, there's a

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<v Speaker 2>company called Gainer Mindon that in the nineties came out

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<v Speaker 2>with a point shoe that had a box and a

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<v Speaker 2>shank of malleable plastic. So basically where the toes go

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<v Speaker 2>in the shoe and kind of the sole or the

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<v Speaker 2>base of the shoe are made of this plastic that

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<v Speaker 2>can adjust. And the nice thing about these shoes is

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<v Speaker 2>that they also last longer because they're built with these

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<v Speaker 2>materials that don't wear down as quickly. They're built to

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<v Speaker 2>last at a very specific level of flexibility. That sounds good,

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<v Speaker 2>It does sound good, but weirdly, they just didn't really

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<v Speaker 2>take off. I mean, there's still an existence, but they're

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<v Speaker 2>just not popular. And actually ballet schools across the country,

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<v Speaker 2>many of them do not allow dancers who are learning

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<v Speaker 2>to dance on point to use Gainer Minten's. The argument

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<v Speaker 2>is that these shoes actually make it easier to pop

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<v Speaker 2>up on point, so some teachers argue that you're not

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<v Speaker 2>building the muscles correctly. But the thing about these shoes

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<v Speaker 2>is that they are much more comfortable and they're supposed

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<v Speaker 2>to be way safer. According to the founder of the

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<v Speaker 2>shoe company, Gainer Minden, they are quote the first and

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<v Speaker 2>the only point shoe that was ever designed with dancers

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<v Speaker 2>health and safety in mind. And so while there are

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<v Speaker 2>some dancers who use these shoes, ultimately they're just not popular.

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<v Speaker 2>And Chloe Angel argues that point shoes could be made

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<v Speaker 2>even safer than Gainer Minden's with the technology we have today,

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<v Speaker 2>for example, if they made the shoes straighter and more

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<v Speaker 2>wide up until the tip of the toe. But they're

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<v Speaker 2>just not made safer or more comfortable. What it comes

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<v Speaker 2>down to, most likely is the ballet world's concerned with

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<v Speaker 2>the line and the esthetic that the shoe needs to

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<v Speaker 2>look a very specific way, and even i mean going

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<v Speaker 2>back to balanching, he had a very specific preference on

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<v Speaker 2>point shoe. He preferred freeds, like the old school point

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<v Speaker 2>shoes that you typically see.

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<v Speaker 1>I remember one of my classmates got a pair of

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<v Speaker 1>Gainer Mendens. I remember, you're like, oh, my god, wouldn't

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<v Speaker 1>it be cool to have comfier point shoes. But also

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<v Speaker 1>I did feel like there is a little bit of

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<v Speaker 1>stigma of oh, they're more comfortable, and so there's like

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<v Speaker 1>maybe some kind of weakness if you choose to wear

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<v Speaker 1>Gainer Mindons. So I didn't try them for that reason.

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<v Speaker 1>And now looking back, I'm like, Erico, why wouldn't you

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<v Speaker 1>just try them? I mean, my guess is it's not

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<v Speaker 1>like there's been some in depth clinical study on the

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<v Speaker 1>anatomy of the foot during ballet steps and how much

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<v Speaker 1>the muscle is being used in these different types of shoes.

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<v Speaker 1>I do wonder to what extent that's based on, like

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<v Speaker 1>some scientific truths versus a fear of changing the norm.

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<v Speaker 1>I think you do have to take a risk to

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<v Speaker 1>try something new, to try to be safer.

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<v Speaker 3>It's like a fine line between like this idea that

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<v Speaker 3>it's just not it hasn't been embraced. It's kind of

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<v Speaker 3>like suffering is a necessary part of the leadism involved,

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<v Speaker 3>otherwise it's not ballet. It's like a fine line between

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<v Speaker 3>that versus what I'm hearing you're saying of, Oh, you're

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<v Speaker 3>not going to build this foundation that you need, You're

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<v Speaker 3>not going to build the muscles that you need to

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<v Speaker 3>do this thing. But what does that actually mean? Are

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<v Speaker 3>they thinking about like long term outcomes? What is implied

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<v Speaker 3>in this not being embraced.

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<v Speaker 2>Chloe also makes that point that teachers across the country

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<v Speaker 2>do think of it as sort of a cheat, and

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<v Speaker 2>it is not just implicitly but kind of explicitly look

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<v Speaker 2>down upon, and even some celebrity teachers, so teachers that

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<v Speaker 2>are like well known in the field have kind of

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<v Speaker 2>come out against it, and one even said, ballet isn't

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<v Speaker 2>about health. It's an art form. And that's true. You know,

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<v Speaker 2>ballet is an art form, but that doesn't mean you

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<v Speaker 2>can't consider health.

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<v Speaker 4>In that it reminds me of hockey players who refuse

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<v Speaker 4>to wear helmets when they'd made the rule change and

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<v Speaker 4>they like literally grandfathered in certain people that were like,

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<v Speaker 4>I refuse to wear a helmet while I play hockey.

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<v Speaker 4>You look back in you're life, like, one, those guys

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<v Speaker 4>are crazy. They're playing an insanely physical game like that,

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<v Speaker 4>And also two, I think in the same way that

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<v Speaker 4>ballet has like it's changed over time, right, we demand more,

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<v Speaker 4>The game is faster, the athletes train harder, just like

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<v Speaker 4>with ballet, and I think if we're going to continue

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<v Speaker 4>to push the speed and the style that we want,

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<v Speaker 4>then you're going to have to make some changes to

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<v Speaker 4>the footwear or the equipment or whatever it is. I

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<v Speaker 4>think that's just progress.

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<v Speaker 1>That's such a good point, JT. Because you're totally right

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<v Speaker 1>that the technical expectations are constantly increasing for dancers. Every

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<v Speaker 1>generation of dancers is like you're expected to be able

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<v Speaker 1>to have your leg higher, do more piroetes at once.

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<v Speaker 1>So it does make sense that the gear would change

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<v Speaker 1>with that, you know, greater level of force et cetera

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<v Speaker 1>that you're putting on the shoes.

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<v Speaker 2>It does, I think all come back to culture. Why

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<v Speaker 2>is that the world doesn't want to be open to

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<v Speaker 2>these types of changes. Yeah, it's interesting how certain cultures

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<v Speaker 2>are maybe that much more resistant to change.

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<v Speaker 1>When we come back Tchaikovsky's Lost Potada and more stories

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<v Speaker 1>from our team, stay tuned. I'm curious, JT, what's been

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<v Speaker 1>on your mind coming into this conversation.

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<v Speaker 4>So in the series, we mentioned this ballet called the

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<v Speaker 4>Tchaikovsky PoTA Da basically this famous piece that bouncing choreographed

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<v Speaker 4>to music by the Russian composer Peter Tchaikovsky, and I

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<v Speaker 4>realized that there's all this history behind the music for

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<v Speaker 4>the Poda Da. I kind of went down this rabbit

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<v Speaker 4>hole waiting between edits. So I was trying to find

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<v Speaker 4>the specific one that Balanchine used, and I was frustrated

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<v Speaker 4>because I was like, oh, I'm seeing that, like this

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<v Speaker 4>might have come from Swan Lake. But then I was

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<v Speaker 4>kind of like, why would Balanchine take a section of

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<v Speaker 4>Swan Lake and just use it? And what I found was, actually,

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<v Speaker 4>it is a section of Swan Lake that we have

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<v Speaker 4>probably never heard before or seen before Balanchine used it.

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<v Speaker 4>The story is very complex and has a lot of

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<v Speaker 4>really complicated Russian names in it. So here we go,

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<v Speaker 4>I'm gonna try to say them all. In eighteen seventy

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<v Speaker 4>ish eighteen seventies, let's say Tchaikowsky gets commissioned to write

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<v Speaker 4>his ballet and at the time, ballet music was pretty

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<v Speaker 4>much like crap. If you were a composer in the

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<v Speaker 4>ilk of Tchaikovsky at the time, you were like, this

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<v Speaker 4>is just kind of repetitive garbage, right, Like you don't

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<v Speaker 4>go to the ballet for the music essentially, So he

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<v Speaker 4>gets this thing. He's like, yeah, cool, like I could

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<v Speaker 4>use the money. Also, yeah, ballet is great. He starts

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<v Speaker 4>writing Swan Lake. He writes a lot of it pretty fast,

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<v Speaker 4>and then he sort of gets stuck on the instrumentation.

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<v Speaker 4>Blah blah blah blah. He takes the score that he

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<v Speaker 4>has written so far to the choreographer, Julius Rasinger, who

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<v Speaker 4>is like this kind of like mid, like super mid choreographer.

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<v Speaker 4>He this is like, this is like this is just

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<v Speaker 4>what I've been reading. I'm sure he was a very

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<v Speaker 4>nice guy. He's like, this is crazy complicated. The dancers

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<v Speaker 4>complain about the music in the rehearsal. They're like, well,

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<v Speaker 4>we can't chore to this and the other thing. At

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<v Speaker 4>the time, choreographers and dancers actually had a majority stake

0:14:05.840 --> 0:14:08.320
<v Speaker 4>in the control and sort of like composers were like

0:14:08.480 --> 0:14:12.080
<v Speaker 4>not again, because the music was like very repetitive and

0:14:12.200 --> 0:14:14.760
<v Speaker 4>kind of easier to dance to, right, It was like

0:14:14.840 --> 0:14:19.040
<v Speaker 4>it was an afterthing, you know. So these dancers are like,

0:14:19.040 --> 0:14:23.360
<v Speaker 4>you're making this sort of complex thing that's really fast.

0:14:23.680 --> 0:14:26.640
<v Speaker 4>We can't dance to this, we can't do our normal stuff.

0:14:27.200 --> 0:14:30.960
<v Speaker 4>So they don't like it. So this choreographer racinger starts

0:14:31.440 --> 0:14:34.720
<v Speaker 4>chopping it. I read somewhere it's like they cut like

0:14:34.760 --> 0:14:37.800
<v Speaker 4>a third of the original score out just because it

0:14:37.840 --> 0:14:44.120
<v Speaker 4>was like too much. Meanwhile, this like other drama, starts happening,

0:14:44.520 --> 0:14:47.760
<v Speaker 4>where the dancer that basically this whole thing has been

0:14:47.840 --> 0:14:53.680
<v Speaker 4>choreographed for who's playing the lead. This name is insanely complicated.

0:14:53.720 --> 0:14:56.760
<v Speaker 4>I'm going to drop it in the chat just so

0:14:56.840 --> 0:15:01.440
<v Speaker 4>you can see what I'm trying to pronounce. This Prima

0:15:01.480 --> 0:15:10.320
<v Speaker 4>Ballerina by Anna Sobi Shanksky, Basically, they choreographed the majority

0:15:10.360 --> 0:15:15.960
<v Speaker 4>of Swan like for her then drama, she's kind of

0:15:16.000 --> 0:15:19.800
<v Speaker 4>seeing this Russian aligarch who gives her a bunch of jewels.

0:15:20.520 --> 0:15:22.760
<v Speaker 4>But then it's like, I'm not going to marry you.

0:15:22.960 --> 0:15:28.920
<v Speaker 4>He's like see you later, my right, So they premiere

0:15:28.960 --> 0:15:33.120
<v Speaker 4>the ballet with her second and everyone hates it. Right,

0:15:33.240 --> 0:15:35.160
<v Speaker 4>They like there had have been a bunch of stuff

0:15:35.200 --> 0:15:40.880
<v Speaker 4>that it leaked that the dancers didn't like the music. Obviously,

0:15:41.080 --> 0:15:45.560
<v Speaker 4>with the change of the main ballerina. Basically, the reviews

0:15:45.560 --> 0:15:48.880
<v Speaker 4>were like, this is crap. Like the music is terrible,

0:15:49.040 --> 0:15:51.880
<v Speaker 4>Like we don't get it. I imagine that if you make

0:15:51.920 --> 0:15:58.160
<v Speaker 4>like a really complicated score and then the choreography is

0:15:58.200 --> 0:16:01.640
<v Speaker 4>struggling to keep up, like it only accentuates how different

0:16:01.760 --> 0:16:03.920
<v Speaker 4>the score is, do you know what I mean? Like, so,

0:16:03.960 --> 0:16:06.800
<v Speaker 4>I'm sure people were just like, what is this like

0:16:06.920 --> 0:16:13.840
<v Speaker 4>hot garbage that we're watching? So somehow Anna, yes, she

0:16:14.040 --> 0:16:17.160
<v Speaker 4>comes back. There's some some sort of amends are made,

0:16:17.800 --> 0:16:19.680
<v Speaker 4>Like a month later, they're like, we're going to go

0:16:19.720 --> 0:16:22.880
<v Speaker 4>to Moscow, and she's like, well, I got to change

0:16:23.240 --> 0:16:27.200
<v Speaker 4>this really specific section in Act three. I don't like

0:16:27.280 --> 0:16:30.280
<v Speaker 4>the patata that's there that was originally written. So I'm

0:16:30.280 --> 0:16:35.000
<v Speaker 4>going to go to Moscow and have this ringer ballet

0:16:35.440 --> 0:16:42.680
<v Speaker 4>composer Ludwig Minkus rewrite a section of Act three, which.

0:16:42.440 --> 0:16:45.360
<v Speaker 1>Is understandable if you come back to this production and

0:16:45.520 --> 0:16:47.680
<v Speaker 1>has terrible reviews and they're like, now we're going to

0:16:47.760 --> 0:16:49.560
<v Speaker 1>go on tour and you're going to be the star

0:16:49.880 --> 0:16:53.160
<v Speaker 1>of this trash production that no one likes.

0:16:54.960 --> 0:17:00.240
<v Speaker 4>So Tchaikowsky gets win that this is happening, and he's like, no,

0:17:00.880 --> 0:17:05.320
<v Speaker 4>I should write all the music for my composition. They'd

0:17:05.359 --> 0:17:11.359
<v Speaker 4>already rechoreographed all this stuff for this new Patada that

0:17:11.400 --> 0:17:15.800
<v Speaker 4>had been written into Act three. So Tchaikovsky is like, cool,

0:17:16.040 --> 0:17:19.240
<v Speaker 4>I'll just write a score so you don't have to

0:17:19.320 --> 0:17:22.000
<v Speaker 4>change the choreography, but like, I want to mess with

0:17:22.119 --> 0:17:26.960
<v Speaker 4>like all of the notation and orchestration of the piece.

0:17:27.800 --> 0:17:30.520
<v Speaker 4>So he goes in and he changes it. They do

0:17:30.720 --> 0:17:34.960
<v Speaker 4>like another run of shows that's longer, and people are like, yeah,

0:17:34.960 --> 0:17:38.040
<v Speaker 4>this is fine whatever, but then it goes away like

0:17:38.080 --> 0:17:41.760
<v Speaker 4>it's just done. They drop it from the Balshoi. They're like,

0:17:41.800 --> 0:17:44.959
<v Speaker 4>we're not going to do Swan Lake anymore, which is bizarre.

0:17:45.080 --> 0:17:48.040
<v Speaker 4>Right when we started this podcast, I was like, what

0:17:48.560 --> 0:17:52.560
<v Speaker 4>ballets do I know? The Nutcracker and Swan Lake both

0:17:52.920 --> 0:17:58.639
<v Speaker 4>Tdchaikovsky works also, which is funny. Tchaikowski dies, so I

0:17:58.680 --> 0:18:02.639
<v Speaker 4>think there's like probably some generally in his work. So

0:18:02.680 --> 0:18:04.680
<v Speaker 4>they pick it back up, but they get a new

0:18:04.760 --> 0:18:09.639
<v Speaker 4>choreographer hit. Actually, Tchaikowsky's brother rewrites a lot of the

0:18:09.760 --> 0:18:14.199
<v Speaker 4>story of Swan Lake. They pull the Act one music

0:18:14.359 --> 0:18:18.880
<v Speaker 4>back in to this Act three Potada and remake Swan Lake,

0:18:18.920 --> 0:18:21.840
<v Speaker 4>and like that's the swan Lake everyone Ben falls in

0:18:21.880 --> 0:18:25.320
<v Speaker 4>love with. That's like the dance of the Black Swan, right,

0:18:25.480 --> 0:18:28.280
<v Speaker 4>Like that's the return of the of the original Act

0:18:28.320 --> 0:18:31.159
<v Speaker 4>one music comes back in and like that's what we know?

0:18:31.440 --> 0:18:36.320
<v Speaker 4>Is that? So basically there's this whole section, this section

0:18:36.400 --> 0:18:41.160
<v Speaker 4>that Tchaikowsky had rewritten in Act three that wasn't included

0:18:41.200 --> 0:18:45.400
<v Speaker 4>in the original score. So it wasn't until nineteen fifty

0:18:45.400 --> 0:18:51.679
<v Speaker 4>three when a balshroy arkivist finds these pages that he rewrote,

0:18:52.200 --> 0:18:56.080
<v Speaker 4>and that's what balancing hears, and he's like, I have

0:18:56.160 --> 0:18:59.800
<v Speaker 4>to do something with this. He makes what's now known

0:18:59.800 --> 0:19:04.760
<v Speaker 4>as the Tchaikowsky Potida, which premieres in nineteen sixty. It's

0:19:04.840 --> 0:19:09.840
<v Speaker 4>like this lost piece that was kind of put aside

0:19:09.960 --> 0:19:12.440
<v Speaker 4>because it was way too ahead of its time in

0:19:12.480 --> 0:19:17.639
<v Speaker 4>the ballet composition world. Then you have this choreographer who

0:19:18.200 --> 0:19:24.760
<v Speaker 4>is changing ballet and he gravitates to this piece. It

0:19:24.840 --> 0:19:28.800
<v Speaker 4>was almost like Tchaikowsky was waiting for someone like a

0:19:28.880 --> 0:19:34.000
<v Speaker 4>choreographer like balanching, to create this kind of thing.

0:19:34.920 --> 0:19:40.320
<v Speaker 2>That's the same piece that Sophie saw decades later and

0:19:40.520 --> 0:19:43.679
<v Speaker 2>was so inspired by the big movement she saw and

0:19:43.720 --> 0:19:46.639
<v Speaker 2>then decided I want to dance balanching from that piece.

0:19:47.359 --> 0:19:49.840
<v Speaker 2>It's just funny to think how like the legacy of

0:19:49.920 --> 0:19:53.440
<v Speaker 2>one piece continues to change people's lives.

0:19:53.960 --> 0:19:56.960
<v Speaker 4>The general plot of Swan Lake, like over the course

0:19:57.240 --> 0:19:59.800
<v Speaker 4>of history has been like the end of Swan Lake

0:19:59.840 --> 0:20:03.280
<v Speaker 4>has change so many times depending on who's putting it on,

0:20:03.560 --> 0:20:08.960
<v Speaker 4>Like it seems like there's at least fifteen different endings

0:20:09.080 --> 0:20:12.119
<v Speaker 4>or different sections, and people cut stuff and move stuff.

0:20:12.200 --> 0:20:14.560
<v Speaker 4>You would just assume that it's such a classic that

0:20:14.560 --> 0:20:17.360
<v Speaker 4>it would never be touched, especially like coming off our

0:20:17.359 --> 0:20:20.000
<v Speaker 4>whole series where we're talking about how ballet doesn't want

0:20:20.000 --> 0:20:23.399
<v Speaker 4>to change anything. Yeah, and like, look at this piece

0:20:23.440 --> 0:20:25.320
<v Speaker 4>that had so many changes.

0:20:28.880 --> 0:20:31.800
<v Speaker 1>I love hearing stories like this something that now is

0:20:31.800 --> 0:20:34.080
<v Speaker 1>considered like the greatest of the great and then you

0:20:34.119 --> 0:20:35.679
<v Speaker 1>go back to like when it first came out and

0:20:35.680 --> 0:20:38.720
<v Speaker 1>people were like, this is crap, no one likes it.

0:20:39.040 --> 0:20:42.560
<v Speaker 1>Or Tchaikovsky wrote all this amazing ballet music, but the

0:20:42.560 --> 0:20:44.920
<v Speaker 1>first one he writes, the dancers are mad at him

0:20:45.000 --> 0:20:48.879
<v Speaker 1>because they're like, we can't dance to this. I just

0:20:48.920 --> 0:20:53.000
<v Speaker 1>find that so encouraging to not always follow the norm

0:20:53.400 --> 0:20:55.919
<v Speaker 1>of what's always been done in whatever art form that

0:20:55.920 --> 0:21:32.119
<v Speaker 1>you're in love it, Okay, Emily, how about you?

0:21:32.960 --> 0:21:36.720
<v Speaker 3>Okay? So something I've been thinking about a lot since

0:21:36.720 --> 0:21:42.000
<v Speaker 3>our series Rap is the dancer Holly Howard. So we

0:21:42.080 --> 0:21:44.919
<v Speaker 3>talked about Holly in our mus episode. She's one of

0:21:45.000 --> 0:21:49.280
<v Speaker 3>Balancine's first American muses around the time when he first

0:21:49.320 --> 0:21:53.680
<v Speaker 3>debuted sarahnd around nineteen thirty four. She was among that

0:21:53.920 --> 0:21:58.560
<v Speaker 3>first class of dancers. And what we discussed about her

0:21:58.600 --> 0:22:02.679
<v Speaker 3>in the series is that she and Balanchine were what

0:22:02.800 --> 0:22:08.280
<v Speaker 3>it seemed like, romantically involved, and she got four abortions

0:22:08.480 --> 0:22:11.880
<v Speaker 3>by Balanchine. This is from Cursine's diaries, and we kind

0:22:11.880 --> 0:22:14.800
<v Speaker 3>of leave her story there, and for us, that was

0:22:14.840 --> 0:22:19.560
<v Speaker 3>like a moving anecdote that illustrates this pattern that we

0:22:19.560 --> 0:22:22.720
<v Speaker 3>were noticing in lots of historians of notice in how

0:22:22.840 --> 0:22:26.440
<v Speaker 3>Balanchine treated his muses. He'd fall in love, maybe get

0:22:26.560 --> 0:22:29.960
<v Speaker 3>romantically involved, and then he'd inevitably sort of move on

0:22:30.119 --> 0:22:33.960
<v Speaker 3>from them to his next muse. So that's where we

0:22:34.080 --> 0:22:37.359
<v Speaker 3>left Holly, and I was just kind of curious what

0:22:37.440 --> 0:22:40.040
<v Speaker 3>happened to her and her career and if I could

0:22:40.040 --> 0:22:44.639
<v Speaker 3>glean anything more about her, and that was quite difficult

0:22:44.640 --> 0:22:46.600
<v Speaker 3>to do. I think we were trying to find out

0:22:46.640 --> 0:22:49.160
<v Speaker 3>if she was even still alive. That was hard to do.

0:22:49.560 --> 0:22:52.920
<v Speaker 3>There's no obituaries or anything like that about Holly Howard,

0:22:52.960 --> 0:22:56.600
<v Speaker 3>but yet she was one of these iconic muses in

0:22:56.640 --> 0:23:03.560
<v Speaker 3>Balanchine's life. So wow, I decided to take a crack

0:23:03.640 --> 0:23:06.400
<v Speaker 3>at it, just to retrace my steps a little bit.

0:23:07.280 --> 0:23:09.520
<v Speaker 3>The first thing we did was enlist a friend of

0:23:09.520 --> 0:23:12.920
<v Speaker 3>the podcast who happens to be a private investigator. Now

0:23:13.119 --> 0:23:17.240
<v Speaker 3>that sounds a little creepy, it's not what you think

0:23:17.280 --> 0:23:22.640
<v Speaker 3>it was. Basically, he directed us to ancestry dot com,

0:23:22.640 --> 0:23:25.960
<v Speaker 3>which is a very commonly used resource that we should

0:23:26.040 --> 0:23:30.480
<v Speaker 3>use pro tip pro tip, something we learned in recording

0:23:30.520 --> 0:23:35.400
<v Speaker 3>this series. And then I also found some additional information

0:23:35.880 --> 0:23:40.000
<v Speaker 3>in this book Mister b. George balan Jean's Twentieth Century

0:23:40.560 --> 0:23:43.600
<v Speaker 3>by Jennifer Homans, there's a little bit more on Holly.

0:23:44.160 --> 0:23:47.159
<v Speaker 3>So basically, here's what I can tell you about Holly.

0:23:47.359 --> 0:23:51.359
<v Speaker 3>She was born in nineteen eighteen in Virginia. She had

0:23:51.400 --> 0:23:55.080
<v Speaker 3>a twin brother named Kent. The Howards they were this

0:23:55.200 --> 0:24:00.400
<v Speaker 3>big military family. Their father was a general it looks

0:24:00.400 --> 0:24:04.200
<v Speaker 3>like under Patent and Eisenhower, and she sort of grew

0:24:04.280 --> 0:24:07.240
<v Speaker 3>up wherever he was stationed, which was mostly in the

0:24:07.280 --> 0:24:11.560
<v Speaker 3>Philippines anyway, so Holly got involved in ballet from a

0:24:11.680 --> 0:24:17.679
<v Speaker 3>very young age, and I know that she spent some

0:24:17.760 --> 0:24:22.080
<v Speaker 3>time training with a woman named Catherine Littlefield. And this

0:24:22.119 --> 0:24:25.160
<v Speaker 3>would be years before Balanjan would show up in America.

0:24:25.840 --> 0:24:28.359
<v Speaker 3>It feels like often the way we talk about Balancine's

0:24:28.640 --> 0:24:32.560
<v Speaker 3>debut in this country, it's almost as if he sort

0:24:32.600 --> 0:24:37.520
<v Speaker 3>of descended upon the US and just like collected this

0:24:37.600 --> 0:24:41.160
<v Speaker 3>motley crew of dancers that didn't know any better, and

0:24:41.640 --> 0:24:43.719
<v Speaker 3>just like delivered ballet to the people.

0:24:46.280 --> 0:24:46.760
<v Speaker 4>There was this.

0:24:48.720 --> 0:24:52.040
<v Speaker 3>New Yorker description of an event that they did talking

0:24:52.040 --> 0:24:55.800
<v Speaker 3>about Sarah Nod where they say, quote, he was a

0:24:55.840 --> 0:24:59.480
<v Speaker 3>ballet choreographer and almost nobody in the United States could

0:24:59.520 --> 0:25:03.000
<v Speaker 3>dance back. He opened a school, but to judge from

0:25:03.040 --> 0:25:06.720
<v Speaker 3>the photos, the young women he was able to collect

0:25:06.760 --> 0:25:11.520
<v Speaker 3>were mostly rather plump and bewildered. Burn Okay, I know

0:25:11.880 --> 0:25:16.680
<v Speaker 3>it's kind of exulting, and the truth was that really

0:25:16.720 --> 0:25:19.680
<v Speaker 3>ballet was here. This is a point that Teresa Ruth

0:25:19.720 --> 0:25:22.719
<v Speaker 3>Howard makes. We talked to Teresa Ruth Howard in one

0:25:22.760 --> 0:25:25.560
<v Speaker 3>of our episodes. You have many examples of this, as

0:25:25.600 --> 0:25:31.080
<v Speaker 3>early as eighteen forty six. There's George Washington Smith. There's

0:25:31.119 --> 0:25:34.240
<v Speaker 3>this guy from Philadelphia. He was doing his thing. He's

0:25:34.280 --> 0:25:37.600
<v Speaker 3>believed to be a mixed race man, and he danced

0:25:37.640 --> 0:25:42.560
<v Speaker 3>in the premiere of Giselle. Here in the US, there's

0:25:43.000 --> 0:25:47.280
<v Speaker 3>Dorothy Alexander, who founded a school in Atlanta in nineteen

0:25:47.320 --> 0:25:52.200
<v Speaker 3>twenty nine that would later become the Atlanta Ballet. So, yeah,

0:25:52.320 --> 0:25:57.560
<v Speaker 3>lots of examples of people doing ballet here, teaching people

0:25:57.720 --> 0:26:01.439
<v Speaker 3>ballet here before balancing came. And so then you have

0:26:01.520 --> 0:26:07.000
<v Speaker 3>Catherine Littlefield. Catherine Littlefield had this school in Philly, and

0:26:07.160 --> 0:26:10.040
<v Speaker 3>Ballan Sheen when he was starting his company, recruited a

0:26:10.080 --> 0:26:12.879
<v Speaker 3>bunch of dancers from her school, and one of those

0:26:13.000 --> 0:26:16.280
<v Speaker 3>dancers was Holly Howard. So then at this point, I

0:26:16.320 --> 0:26:21.280
<v Speaker 3>believe Holly's parents are divorced and Lois, Holly's mother moves

0:26:21.800 --> 0:26:24.960
<v Speaker 3>Holly and her twin brother Kent to New York, where

0:26:24.960 --> 0:26:28.399
<v Speaker 3>Holly ends up in Balancine's school, and Lois devotes a

0:26:28.440 --> 0:26:31.879
<v Speaker 3>ton of time to her daughter's career. I talked to

0:26:31.880 --> 0:26:34.760
<v Speaker 3>Holly's niece, who told me a little bit about her

0:26:34.800 --> 0:26:36.880
<v Speaker 3>aunt and has fond memories of her.

0:26:37.359 --> 0:26:42.000
<v Speaker 2>That's amazing nice sleuthing Emily to find her. Wow.

0:26:43.160 --> 0:26:47.680
<v Speaker 3>I did call six of her nieces and nephews. These

0:26:47.680 --> 0:26:52.639
<v Speaker 3>would be Kent's children. So her niece told me that

0:26:52.960 --> 0:26:56.760
<v Speaker 3>basically her grandmother, Lois, Holly's mother, devoted a ton of

0:26:56.800 --> 0:27:00.720
<v Speaker 3>time to Holly's career and was essentially the company cheferone.

0:27:01.280 --> 0:27:04.080
<v Speaker 3>This is also backed up by Lincoln Kirstine's diaries that

0:27:04.119 --> 0:27:08.359
<v Speaker 3>Lois was Holly's escort and probably spent a lot of

0:27:08.359 --> 0:27:09.280
<v Speaker 3>time with Balancing.

0:27:09.359 --> 0:27:09.600
<v Speaker 4>Two.

0:27:10.480 --> 0:27:13.480
<v Speaker 3>It seems like Holly and Balanching were in a relationship

0:27:13.480 --> 0:27:18.440
<v Speaker 3>for over a year. Her niece did mention once that

0:27:18.480 --> 0:27:21.960
<v Speaker 3>Balancing wanted to marry Holly. I don't know what to

0:27:22.000 --> 0:27:25.080
<v Speaker 3>make of that. This is where we hear the sort

0:27:25.119 --> 0:27:28.560
<v Speaker 3>of abortion rumor. It was maybe a fourth or fifth abortion,

0:27:29.119 --> 0:27:32.679
<v Speaker 3>and I was curious to a little bit about the

0:27:32.680 --> 0:27:35.400
<v Speaker 3>context of what that would have been like to sort

0:27:35.400 --> 0:27:38.280
<v Speaker 3>of get an abortion. In the nineteen thirties in New York,

0:27:38.720 --> 0:27:42.320
<v Speaker 3>it wasn't an uncommon use of birth control. Obviously it

0:27:42.359 --> 0:27:47.560
<v Speaker 3>was illegal. There were like safe hygienic options through midwives

0:27:48.119 --> 0:27:50.320
<v Speaker 3>that you could get where the outcome could go well.

0:27:50.440 --> 0:27:53.240
<v Speaker 3>But at the same time, because it's illegal, there's lots

0:27:53.240 --> 0:27:57.399
<v Speaker 3>of like underground, dangerous options too. We don't really know

0:27:58.080 --> 0:28:01.159
<v Speaker 3>the conditions that Holly dealt with or the form that

0:28:01.200 --> 0:28:04.040
<v Speaker 3>those abortions took. I mean, she's also dancing all of

0:28:04.119 --> 0:28:07.600
<v Speaker 3>the time and exerting her body in these ways, so

0:28:08.160 --> 0:28:10.360
<v Speaker 3>I kind of wonder how that came into play too.

0:28:11.040 --> 0:28:15.120
<v Speaker 3>Then Holmans writes about this other point about Holly's mother,

0:28:15.680 --> 0:28:19.760
<v Speaker 3>how she blamed George for ruining her young daughter, and

0:28:19.920 --> 0:28:21.480
<v Speaker 3>she threatened to have him deported.

0:28:22.400 --> 0:28:27.600
<v Speaker 1>Whoa ruining because they had this romantic relationship.

0:28:28.400 --> 0:28:32.600
<v Speaker 3>And yeah, and it seemed like, based on comments made

0:28:32.680 --> 0:28:36.800
<v Speaker 3>by dancers, people knew about the abortions, people knew about

0:28:36.840 --> 0:28:41.000
<v Speaker 3>this relationship. She felt it ruined her daughter's reputation. And

0:28:41.920 --> 0:28:44.760
<v Speaker 3>I'm even hesitant to repeat this, but there is a

0:28:44.760 --> 0:28:50.680
<v Speaker 3>really troubling footnote from this guy, John Terrorist. He was

0:28:50.720 --> 0:28:56.000
<v Speaker 3>a former balancing dancer, and he said, they say no

0:28:56.200 --> 0:29:00.800
<v Speaker 3>proof Holly is running a whorehouse in Boston. Everybody said

0:29:00.840 --> 0:29:14.120
<v Speaker 3>she became a whore and it was because of him.

0:29:16.200 --> 0:29:19.440
<v Speaker 1>When we come back, we'll have more on Holly Howard's life,

0:29:19.600 --> 0:29:22.600
<v Speaker 1>plus we get final reactions from our team on this season.

0:29:23.000 --> 0:29:46.760
<v Speaker 1>Stay tuned. So what's your takeaway about what we do

0:29:46.880 --> 0:29:48.200
<v Speaker 1>know about Holly Howard?

0:29:48.800 --> 0:29:50.720
<v Speaker 3>I don't know. I don't know what to make of this.

0:29:50.960 --> 0:29:54.560
<v Speaker 3>It sounds very messy. You have Lois potentially trying to

0:29:54.600 --> 0:29:59.240
<v Speaker 3>get Balanchine deported. There is some evidence to show that

0:29:59.320 --> 0:30:03.240
<v Speaker 3>an immigration agent came to question Balanchine, but ultimately like

0:30:03.360 --> 0:30:08.840
<v Speaker 3>nothing came of it. And it's kind of where we

0:30:08.920 --> 0:30:11.480
<v Speaker 3>left Holly in our story, which was we don't really

0:30:11.520 --> 0:30:12.880
<v Speaker 3>know what happened to her career.

0:30:14.000 --> 0:30:17.400
<v Speaker 4>That feels just like such a move that I wish

0:30:17.480 --> 0:30:20.680
<v Speaker 4>I could say like we've outgrown as a society, but

0:30:20.760 --> 0:30:23.160
<v Speaker 4>I feel like that happens all the time. If you

0:30:23.280 --> 0:30:27.640
<v Speaker 4>leave some organization negatively, they're going to do whatever they

0:30:27.680 --> 0:30:31.200
<v Speaker 4>can to erase you from their records.

0:30:31.400 --> 0:30:36.959
<v Speaker 3>Right, Yeah, it does feel like she's been erased. And

0:30:37.000 --> 0:30:39.520
<v Speaker 3>that's not the case with all of the dancers of

0:30:39.560 --> 0:30:42.720
<v Speaker 3>the time. You know, there is documentation of dancers and

0:30:42.800 --> 0:30:45.920
<v Speaker 3>the careers that they had. And the niece said, because

0:30:45.920 --> 0:30:49.240
<v Speaker 3>I asked her if did Holly keep a diary or anything,

0:30:49.560 --> 0:30:52.840
<v Speaker 3>and the niece said, my mother was a protective person

0:30:53.200 --> 0:30:56.560
<v Speaker 3>and was not a chatty kathy. She if there was

0:30:56.680 --> 0:30:59.120
<v Speaker 3>such a thing, may have decided it would be better

0:30:59.200 --> 0:31:02.680
<v Speaker 3>to not see the light of day. And I understand

0:31:02.720 --> 0:31:06.600
<v Speaker 3>to an extent like, you know, what is the value

0:31:06.920 --> 0:31:11.360
<v Speaker 3>in continuing to talk about these details. At the same time,

0:31:11.560 --> 0:31:14.920
<v Speaker 3>we're sort of left at this cliff, this precipice where

0:31:15.640 --> 0:31:19.080
<v Speaker 3>the abortion comment is the last thing we've heard, and

0:31:19.160 --> 0:31:21.840
<v Speaker 3>it is kind of told as this like moment of

0:31:22.440 --> 0:31:26.239
<v Speaker 3>I don't know, shame or tragedy or like ending of

0:31:26.280 --> 0:31:30.000
<v Speaker 3>a career, a rature of her life as a dancer,

0:31:30.360 --> 0:31:32.720
<v Speaker 3>And I mean the niece sort of admitted like, on

0:31:32.760 --> 0:31:34.880
<v Speaker 3>the other hand, that means we don't know what happened

0:31:34.880 --> 0:31:37.680
<v Speaker 3>to her. We don't know some of these details on

0:31:37.840 --> 0:31:39.080
<v Speaker 3>me what we want to know. It might be a

0:31:39.120 --> 0:31:42.320
<v Speaker 3>different story, it might be a different story of agency,

0:31:42.400 --> 0:31:46.400
<v Speaker 3>but we can't know. But we don't know actually how

0:31:46.440 --> 0:31:50.880
<v Speaker 3>Holly felt about it, like how much choice that she

0:31:50.960 --> 0:31:55.240
<v Speaker 3>felt she had. And I kind of crave those details

0:31:55.280 --> 0:31:59.280
<v Speaker 3>because I crave a document of that time and like

0:31:59.360 --> 0:32:02.880
<v Speaker 3>how people we're thinking about that choice just to see

0:32:02.920 --> 0:32:05.080
<v Speaker 3>her as more of an independent person.

0:32:06.320 --> 0:32:08.680
<v Speaker 1>I'm so curious what she was like as a person

0:32:08.880 --> 0:32:11.440
<v Speaker 1>and what their relationship felt like, like what was their

0:32:11.480 --> 0:32:15.480
<v Speaker 1>relationship dynamic? And of course there are some power structures

0:32:15.480 --> 0:32:18.600
<v Speaker 1>at play, because Balancine was her boss when they were together.

0:32:19.440 --> 0:32:22.400
<v Speaker 1>But yeah, I feel like I don't I still don't know.

0:32:22.680 --> 0:32:24.960
<v Speaker 1>I don't know her, you know, I feel like I

0:32:24.960 --> 0:32:25.840
<v Speaker 1>still don't know her.

0:32:27.080 --> 0:32:29.720
<v Speaker 2>And also I just kind of wonder about her personal

0:32:29.760 --> 0:32:35.520
<v Speaker 2>life after Balanchine. Did she have other partners? You know,

0:32:35.640 --> 0:32:39.880
<v Speaker 2>how much did her relationship with Balancine also impact her

0:32:39.920 --> 0:32:41.960
<v Speaker 2>personal life from there on out?

0:32:42.520 --> 0:32:44.840
<v Speaker 3>She never married, she never had kids of her own.

0:32:45.760 --> 0:32:48.600
<v Speaker 3>Who's around fifty years old when she died. She died

0:32:48.640 --> 0:32:53.360
<v Speaker 3>of cancer. The niece has some at least recollection or

0:32:53.440 --> 0:32:59.040
<v Speaker 3>image of her, having been surrounded by a lot of friends.

0:33:00.080 --> 0:33:02.680
<v Speaker 3>The niece's take on her aunt, it's like, well, she

0:33:02.800 --> 0:33:06.760
<v Speaker 3>was just Aunt Holly to me. We loved her, she

0:33:06.840 --> 0:33:09.240
<v Speaker 3>loved us. It seemed like she poured a lot of

0:33:09.240 --> 0:33:14.640
<v Speaker 3>affection into her nieces and nephews. She remembers her teaching dance,

0:33:15.040 --> 0:33:18.400
<v Speaker 3>and she recalls one visit somewhere along the line of

0:33:18.400 --> 0:33:21.880
<v Speaker 3>like visiting Holly, and she says that I remember I

0:33:21.960 --> 0:33:25.160
<v Speaker 3>had learned a dance step someplace in our travels, and

0:33:25.200 --> 0:33:27.800
<v Speaker 3>I was so proud to show it to her. I

0:33:27.800 --> 0:33:30.360
<v Speaker 3>thought I had it just right. And she looked at

0:33:30.360 --> 0:33:33.760
<v Speaker 3>me and smiled and said, no, that's not the way

0:33:33.760 --> 0:33:38.920
<v Speaker 3>it goes and then she performed it for me. Oh

0:33:39.120 --> 0:33:42.280
<v Speaker 3>and I'm sure with exact precision, and I couldn't quite

0:33:42.280 --> 0:33:45.960
<v Speaker 3>see the difference between what I had done and she

0:33:46.120 --> 0:33:47.840
<v Speaker 3>had done.

0:33:47.960 --> 0:33:48.440
<v Speaker 1>I love that.

0:33:50.360 --> 0:33:58.120
<v Speaker 3>I don't know, that's it.

0:34:06.560 --> 0:34:09.080
<v Speaker 1>I've been reflecting a little bit on this whole series,

0:34:09.239 --> 0:34:14.040
<v Speaker 1>and one thing that's really struck me has been some

0:34:14.120 --> 0:34:18.080
<v Speaker 1>of the responses from listeners. And we've gotten some really

0:34:18.160 --> 0:34:22.719
<v Speaker 1>long emails and letters from listeners sharing their stories that

0:34:22.760 --> 0:34:27.920
<v Speaker 1>have just been incredibly moving. And they've been from people

0:34:27.960 --> 0:34:31.960
<v Speaker 1>with all kinds of dance backgrounds, including long term professional

0:34:32.040 --> 0:34:35.880
<v Speaker 1>dancers at elite companies, as well as people who just

0:34:35.920 --> 0:34:38.880
<v Speaker 1>studied a little ballet as a kid. But I think

0:34:38.960 --> 0:34:43.319
<v Speaker 1>one of the things that really surprised me actually was

0:34:43.360 --> 0:34:47.120
<v Speaker 1>that the episode that got the most active vocal response

0:34:47.160 --> 0:34:50.000
<v Speaker 1>from listeners was episode six. And that's the episode in

0:34:50.040 --> 0:34:53.480
<v Speaker 1>which Ayleen and I talk about our lives and my

0:34:53.600 --> 0:34:57.480
<v Speaker 1>experience with ballet. And this is an episode that I

0:34:57.640 --> 0:35:02.160
<v Speaker 1>was really nervous to put out there. I think we

0:35:02.160 --> 0:35:04.239
<v Speaker 1>were not sure if we should publish it at all.

0:35:04.840 --> 0:35:07.640
<v Speaker 1>When we recorded it, we were like, we probably won't

0:35:07.640 --> 0:35:09.960
<v Speaker 1>even use this, but let's just record a conversation and

0:35:10.000 --> 0:35:14.760
<v Speaker 1>see what happens, but we decided to include it, and

0:35:14.840 --> 0:35:20.800
<v Speaker 1>we just immediately got so many notes from people who listened,

0:35:21.640 --> 0:35:26.600
<v Speaker 1>who wrote their life stories in these emails and talked

0:35:26.640 --> 0:35:30.680
<v Speaker 1>about crying as they listened. It was very moving. I've

0:35:30.719 --> 0:35:34.680
<v Speaker 1>never gotten such a wave of response to an episode,

0:35:35.280 --> 0:35:38.840
<v Speaker 1>and I think it was actually a life lesson for me.

0:35:39.719 --> 0:35:42.800
<v Speaker 1>There's a lot of media there, movies or TV shows

0:35:42.880 --> 0:35:47.120
<v Speaker 1>and storybooks about professional dancers, and I think for a

0:35:47.160 --> 0:35:50.000
<v Speaker 1>lot of people who study ballet, it's like you feel

0:35:50.040 --> 0:35:52.879
<v Speaker 1>close to it. You're like, this was a big part

0:35:52.920 --> 0:35:55.320
<v Speaker 1>of my life years ago, but at the same time,

0:35:56.000 --> 0:35:57.799
<v Speaker 1>you don't feel like you're part of it, and you

0:35:57.840 --> 0:35:59.840
<v Speaker 1>don't think you can claim it as your own, and

0:36:00.120 --> 0:36:04.680
<v Speaker 1>so you end up in this weird limbo of kind

0:36:04.719 --> 0:36:09.480
<v Speaker 1>of having your history invalidated and erased because actually, like

0:36:09.760 --> 0:36:12.799
<v Speaker 1>most people who interact with ballet, their story is much

0:36:12.840 --> 0:36:15.480
<v Speaker 1>more similar to my story than to all of these

0:36:15.520 --> 0:36:19.520
<v Speaker 1>professional dancers have often felt like a weird, lone person

0:36:19.600 --> 0:36:21.440
<v Speaker 1>who it's like, ballet was a big part of my

0:36:21.440 --> 0:36:23.600
<v Speaker 1>life and then I totally left it and there's no

0:36:23.640 --> 0:36:25.680
<v Speaker 1>one like me. But actually there are tons of people

0:36:25.760 --> 0:36:29.400
<v Speaker 1>like me. We just don't talk about it, so that

0:36:29.440 --> 0:36:30.520
<v Speaker 1>blew my mind a little bit.

0:36:31.520 --> 0:36:34.799
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it was exciting to hear from people and then

0:36:35.080 --> 0:36:38.160
<v Speaker 2>to hear that they connected with it. And I feel

0:36:38.160 --> 0:36:41.520
<v Speaker 2>like that feeling is so relatable beyond ballet, Like I

0:36:41.520 --> 0:36:43.760
<v Speaker 2>feel like we all have a part of our past

0:36:43.760 --> 0:36:47.440
<v Speaker 2>where we didn't see something through fully, or maybe we

0:36:47.480 --> 0:36:50.080
<v Speaker 2>actually kind of did, but we don't perceive it that way,

0:36:51.239 --> 0:36:55.080
<v Speaker 2>and then we just close that part of our stories.

0:36:56.640 --> 0:36:59.360
<v Speaker 2>I just think that's like a human thing, And in

0:36:59.440 --> 0:37:01.640
<v Speaker 2>a way, I think it was nice for you, Erica, too,

0:37:01.719 --> 0:37:04.759
<v Speaker 2>to almost be validated by these listeners. I think you

0:37:04.840 --> 0:37:07.640
<v Speaker 2>did have a lot of imposter syndrome going into that episode,

0:37:07.680 --> 0:37:11.520
<v Speaker 2>and you did feel uncomfortable, But I think hearing that

0:37:11.560 --> 0:37:16.200
<v Speaker 2>from listeners and then actually hearing their stories was impactful

0:37:16.239 --> 0:37:18.480
<v Speaker 2>for you on a personal level.

0:37:19.640 --> 0:37:23.160
<v Speaker 3>So one thing on that universality point that really stood

0:37:23.160 --> 0:37:24.920
<v Speaker 3>out to me was this one letter from one of

0:37:24.960 --> 0:37:29.040
<v Speaker 3>our listeners, and I'm just going to read a section

0:37:29.160 --> 0:37:33.640
<v Speaker 3>of it. She says, this episode helped me acknowledge that

0:37:33.800 --> 0:37:36.839
<v Speaker 3>I'm not as alone in choosing a path away from

0:37:36.880 --> 0:37:41.040
<v Speaker 3>my true love as I thought. My passion was music.

0:37:41.280 --> 0:37:44.040
<v Speaker 3>I entered the local music school at age five and

0:37:44.080 --> 0:37:46.040
<v Speaker 3>By the time I entered high school, I had been

0:37:46.080 --> 0:37:49.840
<v Speaker 3>playing several instruments, writing music, and singing in choirs for

0:37:49.880 --> 0:37:54.640
<v Speaker 3>almost eleven years. Becoming a professional musician and or composer

0:37:54.800 --> 0:37:57.400
<v Speaker 3>was my goal. It was my whole life, just like

0:37:57.440 --> 0:38:00.959
<v Speaker 3>ballet was for Erica. When I turned sick, my mother

0:38:01.040 --> 0:38:03.799
<v Speaker 3>took all the money out of a savings account she'd

0:38:03.840 --> 0:38:06.920
<v Speaker 3>opened for me when I was ten and bought me

0:38:07.000 --> 0:38:11.560
<v Speaker 3>my own instrument. Since it's a local specialty instrument and

0:38:11.640 --> 0:38:15.719
<v Speaker 3>not as common as violins, flutes, etc. Every single one

0:38:15.760 --> 0:38:18.520
<v Speaker 3>has to be handmade. We waited almost a whole year,

0:38:18.600 --> 0:38:21.480
<v Speaker 3>and finally I got it. No more renting from the school,

0:38:22.040 --> 0:38:25.000
<v Speaker 3>and then I burned out. I had been pursuing music

0:38:25.080 --> 0:38:27.600
<v Speaker 3>for fourteen years and was about to choose a university.

0:38:27.920 --> 0:38:31.000
<v Speaker 3>I've been planning to go to the National Music Academy

0:38:31.040 --> 0:38:34.239
<v Speaker 3>to become professional, but it all went poof. I used

0:38:34.239 --> 0:38:38.279
<v Speaker 3>to find unimaginable freedom when playing, and now all I

0:38:38.360 --> 0:38:41.759
<v Speaker 3>felt was dread, fear, and loss of identity. I mean,

0:38:41.880 --> 0:38:44.080
<v Speaker 3>I knew I didn't want to do this anymore, but

0:38:44.160 --> 0:38:48.120
<v Speaker 3>I had no idea who I was without music, the structure,

0:38:48.200 --> 0:38:51.319
<v Speaker 3>the lessons, the daily practices. Now I had so much

0:38:51.360 --> 0:38:54.200
<v Speaker 3>free time but nothing to do with it. Erico was

0:38:54.239 --> 0:38:56.880
<v Speaker 3>spot on when she said, so what is me because

0:38:56.920 --> 0:39:00.160
<v Speaker 3>I'm me? And what is me because of Ballet? I

0:39:00.200 --> 0:39:03.279
<v Speaker 3>still feel the same exact way when I think about

0:39:03.280 --> 0:39:06.360
<v Speaker 3>the relationship I had with music. I think I've finally

0:39:06.360 --> 0:39:09.759
<v Speaker 3>started to find me again. But oh boy, has it

0:39:09.840 --> 0:39:12.200
<v Speaker 3>been difficult. I still have my instrument, but it's been

0:39:12.200 --> 0:39:14.640
<v Speaker 3>about three years since I touched it. Maybe someday I'll

0:39:14.640 --> 0:39:17.479
<v Speaker 3>pick it up again, I'm not sure. So I thought

0:39:17.480 --> 0:39:21.520
<v Speaker 3>that that was pretty incredible that this person wanted to

0:39:21.560 --> 0:39:24.839
<v Speaker 3>reach out because something had resonated so true to her

0:39:24.920 --> 0:39:27.520
<v Speaker 3>and what she heard in your experience.

0:39:28.280 --> 0:39:33.920
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's really interesting. I was talking to a really

0:39:33.920 --> 0:39:35.720
<v Speaker 1>good friend of mine the other day on the phone,

0:39:35.800 --> 0:39:40.360
<v Speaker 1>and she had listened to the podcast. She was my

0:39:40.440 --> 0:39:45.360
<v Speaker 1>college roommate, and she said a line that really struck

0:39:45.400 --> 0:39:49.120
<v Speaker 1>her from that episode between Aileen and me was how

0:39:49.160 --> 0:39:52.080
<v Speaker 1>we had said that it sometimes felt like Ballet was

0:39:52.120 --> 0:39:54.920
<v Speaker 1>my one true love. And then Allen came back in

0:39:54.960 --> 0:39:58.960
<v Speaker 1>the conversation and said, you know, I think that's how

0:39:59.040 --> 0:40:03.319
<v Speaker 1>you perceive it, Erica. In other words, that it might

0:40:03.360 --> 0:40:05.799
<v Speaker 1>not have actually been like my quote unquote one true love.

0:40:06.200 --> 0:40:08.600
<v Speaker 1>But that's sometimes how I feel about it, and that's

0:40:08.600 --> 0:40:12.680
<v Speaker 1>when I get emotional about it. And my friend pointed

0:40:12.719 --> 0:40:16.640
<v Speaker 1>out that that perception might also be based in this

0:40:16.719 --> 0:40:18.839
<v Speaker 1>all or nothing attitude that you have as a kid,

0:40:18.880 --> 0:40:21.520
<v Speaker 1>where you have to give everything, and it's almost like

0:40:21.600 --> 0:40:25.440
<v Speaker 1>when you're an abusive relationship, and the highs and lows

0:40:25.480 --> 0:40:27.920
<v Speaker 1>of the abusive relationship and the way it kind of

0:40:27.960 --> 0:40:30.799
<v Speaker 1>takes over your life can make you feel like it's

0:40:30.840 --> 0:40:34.440
<v Speaker 1>the most intense version of love that exists and just

0:40:34.520 --> 0:40:37.400
<v Speaker 1>like keeps you in the relationship and makes you feel

0:40:37.440 --> 0:40:40.080
<v Speaker 1>like it's this great love. And I'm not saying that

0:40:40.120 --> 0:40:42.839
<v Speaker 1>Ballet was like an abusive relationship, but I do think

0:40:42.920 --> 0:40:46.000
<v Speaker 1>that the intensity of it and the requirement that it's

0:40:46.040 --> 0:40:48.719
<v Speaker 1>a big commitment at a young age, you get caught

0:40:48.800 --> 0:40:50.680
<v Speaker 1>up in it and it can turn it into something

0:40:50.760 --> 0:40:53.080
<v Speaker 1>that makes the loss of it even greater and just

0:40:53.160 --> 0:40:55.080
<v Speaker 1>intensifies all of your emotions around it.

0:40:56.200 --> 0:40:59.680
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, And as humans, it's like the intense things, whatever

0:40:59.800 --> 0:41:03.759
<v Speaker 2>they are, sometimes feel good, but that doesn't mean they're

0:41:03.800 --> 0:41:07.360
<v Speaker 2>the only thing that can make you happy absolutely or

0:41:07.400 --> 0:41:18.600
<v Speaker 2>the only worthwhile thing.

0:41:26.760 --> 0:41:39.960
<v Speaker 1>The Turning is a production of Rococo Punch and iHeart Podcasts.

0:41:40.480 --> 0:41:43.440
<v Speaker 1>It's written and produced by Alan Lance, Lesser and Me.

0:41:44.280 --> 0:41:48.840
<v Speaker 1>Our story editor is Emily Foreman. Mixing and sound designed

0:41:48.840 --> 0:41:53.280
<v Speaker 1>by James Trout. Jessica Carisa is our assistant producer, Andrea

0:41:53.280 --> 0:41:57.680
<v Speaker 1>Assuage is our digital producer. Our executive producers are John

0:41:57.719 --> 0:42:01.200
<v Speaker 1>Parratti and Jessica Alpert at Rococo Punch. I get Trina

0:42:01.239 --> 0:42:11.520
<v Speaker 1>Norbel and Nikki Etour at iHeart Podcasts. For photos and

0:42:11.560 --> 0:42:14.480
<v Speaker 1>more details on the series, follow us on Instagram at

0:42:14.560 --> 0:42:18.000
<v Speaker 1>Rococo Punch, and you can reach out via email The

0:42:18.120 --> 0:42:23.040
<v Speaker 1>Turning at Rococo punch dot com. I'm Erica Lance. Thanks

0:42:23.040 --> 0:42:23.600
<v Speaker 1>for listening.