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Speaker 1: Okay, So Chip, you called me this morning with an

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Speaker 1: idea for an at casual topic because of a podcast

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Speaker 1: you're listening to to tell the peace about this. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so I was listening to the Armchair Expert and Glennon Doyle,

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Speaker 1: who is, you know, the hottest person on the planet

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Speaker 1: right now, was a guest on the most recent one,

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Speaker 1: and UM, I was, you know, just like cooking. It's

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Speaker 1: it's a long one. I actually haven't even finished it,

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Speaker 1: but UM, she said something early that like really struck me. UM,

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Speaker 1: And I guess I should give you a little backstory

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Speaker 1: to last week. I had UM a session with UM

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Speaker 1: hypnotherapist Marv. We can talk about Marv openly. He's been

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Speaker 1: on this podcast before, Marvin Wilkerson, So Marvin Wilkerson who's

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Speaker 1: an asteroid psychologist and hypnotherapist, and UM, it was a

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Speaker 1: zoom session. Obviously you can't be face to face right now,

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Speaker 1: and the like the overarching thing that I took away

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Speaker 1: from our session was how I get in my own

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Speaker 1: way and I don't trust myself. UM. And then listening

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Speaker 1: to this podcast, it's sort of like reinforced it in

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Speaker 1: a moment jumped out at me and I was like,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, I want to talk about this. So basically, um,

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Speaker 1: she said that. UM, let me think exactly how she

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Speaker 1: said it. She said that she learned that she used

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Speaker 1: to believe that she was a good leader, but then

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Speaker 1: in her new marriage that she's realized that she was

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Speaker 1: a controlling person. Um. And then she told a story

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Speaker 1: where she recalled it. UM. She was doing her thing

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Speaker 1: one night where she was trying to manipulate a situation

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Speaker 1: and her wife said to her, like, it makes me

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Speaker 1: so sad when you do that. And Glennon was like,

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Speaker 1: do what and she was like, when you try to

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Speaker 1: control what I'm doing, it makes me feel like you

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Speaker 1: don't trust me, and that makes me really sad because

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Speaker 1: I really trust you. And it was just like this

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Speaker 1: lightbulb moment for her where she was like, wait, I

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Speaker 1: mean maybe I haven't been loving my whole life because

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Speaker 1: you know, her belief and I agree with her, is

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Speaker 1: that like you either have to control somebody or love them,

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Speaker 1: because love comes with trust. If you're not trusting somebody,

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Speaker 1: you're trying to control them, which means that you can't

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Speaker 1: be loving them. And I just like it. It made

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Speaker 1: me sort of reflect all what Marv had said to

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Speaker 1: me that like ship, Like if I'm trying to control

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Speaker 1: my life rather than lean and and trust my life,

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Speaker 1: I'm not loving myself right um. And it just just

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Speaker 1: sort of brought to the surface, like the difference between

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Speaker 1: trust and control and um and how they are truly

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Speaker 1: polar opposites, and it it really just sort of blew

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Speaker 1: my mind this morning. So when you brought it to

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Speaker 1: me today, I think the first thing that I thought

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Speaker 1: of is that we as a world are right now

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Speaker 1: in this this situation, this global pandemic, where none of

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Speaker 1: us are in control. And so you know, you're speaking

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Speaker 1: about it in a smaller term basis of like relationships

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Speaker 1: or how we treat ourselves, and this is kind of

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Speaker 1: this whole grander thing right now, and it's kind of

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Speaker 1: this underlying theme to all of our lives that you

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Speaker 1: have to let go of control and we have to

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Speaker 1: trust that there is a higher plan or you're gonna

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Speaker 1: go crazy. And then it's like we're really being tested

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Speaker 1: right now because we are we are out of control.

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Speaker 1: It is funeral every single person. Yeah, you know, it

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Speaker 1: was interesting because I started thinking about it when you

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Speaker 1: brought it up, and I was you know, I've talked

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Speaker 1: a little bit about my last year being just like

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Speaker 1: hit after hit. I mean it was like through the

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Speaker 1: fucking trenches. There was just a lot of ship and

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Speaker 1: I felt like a little bit prepared almost when this

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Speaker 1: global pandemic came, because I was like, oh, of course,

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Speaker 1: I mean, of course there is a global pandemic. It

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Speaker 1: just like fell right in line with the way my

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Speaker 1: life would have been going. And the truth is that

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Speaker 1: in some ways, all of the ship that happened, you know,

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Speaker 1: there was a ton of things that couldn't control people

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Speaker 1: I couldn't can troll, things that my own body was

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Speaker 1: doing that I couldn't control. There was just all of

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Speaker 1: these different situations that I had faced that in some

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Speaker 1: ways prepared me to have to just get to the

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Speaker 1: place of letting go or else, I don't think I

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Speaker 1: would have made it like you know, you know when

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Speaker 1: you get to that place when you're just like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I gotta stop trying. I have to stop like my

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Speaker 1: wheels turning. I have to stop trying to think of

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Speaker 1: all the different ways to get myself out of this situation,

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Speaker 1: or to beat this situation, or to have that perfect

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Speaker 1: conversation with this person to make this better, and you

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Speaker 1: just go, I can't. I just can't, And I just

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Speaker 1: have to lean into there is a bigger plan and

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Speaker 1: something greater is happening right now. Yeah. I mean there's

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Speaker 1: so much power in that acceptance, you know, like it's

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Speaker 1: so freeing of yourself. Yeah, And there's no there's honestly

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Speaker 1: no higher form of self love right then, to just

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Speaker 1: sort of set yourself free. Okay. So obviously I like

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Speaker 1: to do research, so is reading about this topic when

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Speaker 1: you brought it up to me. And this this article

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Speaker 1: actually is from two thousand nineteen, so this was completely

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Speaker 1: before all of this stuff started going on with coronavirus.

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Speaker 1: But I found it to be very on point with

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Speaker 1: obviously this topic, but also it's like something that people

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Speaker 1: could maybe put into play right now with what we're

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Speaker 1: dealing with. But there's a couple different things that I

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Speaker 1: took away as far as um mindfulness techniques for letting

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Speaker 1: go of control. That's what this whole article is about.

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Speaker 1: It's on fast company dot com. And two of the

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Speaker 1: things that I took away that we're huge to me

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Speaker 1: was one to do a mental dump of your feelings

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Speaker 1: because I think like as a society, we are very

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Speaker 1: uncomfortable with feelings, and so I think it's getting a

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Speaker 1: little better, honestly, But I think that if you feel uncomfortable,

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Speaker 1: you feel something unpleasant, which is what a lot of

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Speaker 1: us are going through right now. It's just like you

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Speaker 1: want to figure out how to medicate that a way,

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Speaker 1: like how do I not feel this feeling? Right? So

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Speaker 1: also you sort of take the feeling and you let

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Speaker 1: it go to your most your head. Whereas feelings are important,

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Speaker 1: but you can't you can't control what they mean right

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Speaker 1: with feeling And also, feelings are not facts, like that

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Speaker 1: was something I learned in therapy a couple of years ago.

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Speaker 1: Is they're just feelings and a lot of times feelings past,

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Speaker 1: so that it's not necessarily the best thing to suppress them,

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Speaker 1: because then I do think that they build and they

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Speaker 1: can become into you know, they can become more anxiety

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Speaker 1: producing even but you know exactly exactly, so they just

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Speaker 1: say to do a mental dump, you know, Like my

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Speaker 1: my typical go to on this is like to dumple

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Speaker 1: my friends, which is not always the best thing to do.

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Speaker 1: Call every friend I know and tell them every single detail,

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Speaker 1: like ten times, I'm gonna start losing friends stand if

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Speaker 1: I keep doing them. But I think what they mean

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Speaker 1: more is like to process your feelings, maybe to write

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Speaker 1: them down, and a journaling is super therapeutic for me.

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Speaker 1: But you're getting them out of your body, like mentally

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Speaker 1: dump them out of your body, because a lot of

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Speaker 1: times when you start writing to you realize that there's

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Speaker 1: not a lot of truth to everything that you're feeling,

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Speaker 1: right right, So that I thought that was a great one,

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Speaker 1: just to get the negativity out of your system. Well, look,

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Speaker 1: I think it's it's funny too, because I'm not the

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Speaker 1: same podcast this morning, Glennon mentioned something about like she

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Speaker 1: you know, she cries a lot. Yeah, and it was

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Speaker 1: a fairly new thing for her, and someone like said

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Speaker 1: to her, like, why do you cry so much? And

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Speaker 1: her response now is for the same reason I laughed

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Speaker 1: so much, because I love that she wants to feel

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Speaker 1: those things, but what she does is she only allows

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Speaker 1: them to be feelings. Right. Well, I always think that

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Speaker 1: tears are very cleansing too, Like people are very scared

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Speaker 1: of tears. But I think that it's just it's the

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Speaker 1: same thing that we were just saying, getting the feelings

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Speaker 1: out of your body. I love that though that she said. Um.

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Speaker 1: So the second thing that I saw that I thought

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Speaker 1: was a really good take in this article was learned

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Speaker 1: to see that uncertainty is a part of life, right,

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Speaker 1: Like who could have predicted this global pandemic. I mean

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Speaker 1: there's like so many plans that I made, I know

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Speaker 1: that everyone else made that we were never like seeing

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Speaker 1: that this would We'd be on lockdown for months and

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Speaker 1: not even leaving our house barely. Yeah, I mean it's

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Speaker 1: as the world has progressed over the years. It's like,

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Speaker 1: you know, we aren't protected for this because we weren't

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Speaker 1: preparing for it. And I mean it's literally shutting down industries,

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Speaker 1: just bringing everything to a halt if it's crazy. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: And it's just like but it's one of those things.

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Speaker 1: It's like there's so many things, um, that we plan

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Speaker 1: on a daily basis that we especially with the groups

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Speaker 1: that you know that we put together. Are these trips.

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Speaker 1: I mean I was supposed to go to Costa Rica

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Speaker 1: the week that we got isolated in our house and

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Speaker 1: it's just yeah, I mean it was just it's like

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Speaker 1: there's saying the more that you go on in your life,

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Speaker 1: and I think this is true, except that the what

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Speaker 1: ifs are always going to happen, you know, Like I

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Speaker 1: like to think of life as like the straight line,

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Speaker 1: like when I figure something out and I get into

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Speaker 1: a good place, like it's just gonna stay like that

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Speaker 1: and I'm gonna keep going up. But it always here

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Speaker 1: that life is more like a corkscrew, Like it's the

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Speaker 1: ups and the downs and the rounds and the rounds.

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Speaker 1: It's not it's not this straight line that we're always

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Speaker 1: just gonna know what's going to happen. How boring would

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Speaker 1: life be if we knew that it was going to happen,

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Speaker 1: if we could protect everything. Well, I personally would love

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Speaker 1: it if my life always just went really amazingly, But

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Speaker 1: I also think I would be an asshole, you know,

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Speaker 1: like if you didn't hit the bad Yeah, Like if

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Speaker 1: you didn't hit the bad parts, why would you ever

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Speaker 1: grow and change? You wouldn't. So that's one thing to

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Speaker 1: learn in that. But there was a quote in there

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Speaker 1: from Deepak show Bro, which I mean, he's obviously a

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Speaker 1: very wise man, and if you read a lot or

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Speaker 1: if you listen to the Oprah podcasts, which I do,

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Speaker 1: he's on there a lot, but he says one of

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Speaker 1: his principles that he stands by when it comes to

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Speaker 1: mindfulness is completely detaching from outcomes, which I loved. Like

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Speaker 1: he goes in with he doesn't have a goal, he

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Speaker 1: doesn't have a hope. He just goes in with his

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Speaker 1: teachings and he's like, whatever happens is what was supposed

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Speaker 1: to happen, which is a very Buddhist mindset, I think.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, he just says like, I'm independence of hopes

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Speaker 1: and despair because I don't attach myself to any outcomes.

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Speaker 1: I just show up and do what I'm supposed to

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Speaker 1: do and do my part. I mean, talk about trusting yourself.

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Speaker 1: And yeah, there's there's no way for someone like Deepak Chopra,

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Speaker 1: who is, like you said, very wise and an incredible teacher,

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Speaker 1: to have any control over the outcome. Once he gives

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Speaker 1: his knowledge to somebody else, to a student, right, or

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Speaker 1: a patient or whatever it is that he's speaking to,

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Speaker 1: it's it's kind of about his control. So it's studile

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Speaker 1: too to even care. I mean, I guess you can

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Speaker 1: care what their outcome is, but it's um. It's a

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Speaker 1: futile to um trying and control what the outcome is.

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Speaker 1: I guess, right, and I think that is something to

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Speaker 1: really keep in mind right now too, because you know,

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Speaker 1: I think there's a lot of situations. I know myself personally,

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Speaker 1: like I've been worrying about the future, and I've been

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Speaker 1: thinking like, oh god, well, what if this changes TV forever?

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Speaker 1: What if this changes whatever? And it's like, you just

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Speaker 1: have to keep showing up every day and do your

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Speaker 1: part and adapt and whatever is going to happen is

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Speaker 1: what's supposed to happen. And it's truly is that way.

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Speaker 1: Worrying about it is not going to help anything, which

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Speaker 1: is obviously a lot easier said than done. But I

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Speaker 1: think go ahead. The truth is, the truth is I

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Speaker 1: think it is going to change a lot of things forever,

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Speaker 1: right But you know the But it's also what's one

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Speaker 1: of the wonderful things about it is that it's it

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Speaker 1: is moving to us that we can't anticipate everything, you know,

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Speaker 1: to remain nimble, we have to be flexible. And then

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Speaker 1: that's I mean, that's one of the beauties of the

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Speaker 1: human spirit, is that we are we can grow and change.

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Speaker 1: I've been doing it. We've been doing it since the

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Speaker 1: beginning of time. So I really like that you just

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Speaker 1: use the word nimble, especially when describing life nimble, I

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Speaker 1: immediately think of Gumby. For some reason, I remember that

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Speaker 1: that character gumpy. These days, are you standing outside of

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Speaker 1: a dairy queen like floating in the air. You know

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Speaker 1: this totally. My friend is a gumpy tattoo. But I digress.

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Speaker 1: That is that's a strange fun fact for us all.

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Speaker 1: Thank you. Um. This actually is a really good transition

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Speaker 1: to go into our listener email for the week. As

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Speaker 1: we told you guys last week, we were going to

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Speaker 1: read a one listener email every week with an at

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Speaker 1: casual topic, and this one fell right in line with

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Speaker 1: the topic of control and having to go through so

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Speaker 1: many changes because of what's happening in coronavirus times. So

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Speaker 1: this is from Kristen Aldender for what what Aldender for?

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Speaker 1: I think that's her last name. Okay, um. She says,

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Speaker 1: One thing I would love to hear you talk about

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Speaker 1: is the awkwardness I'm going through with postponing my wedding.

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Speaker 1: It was originally planned for Mark No May night, but

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Speaker 1: then I'm postponing it until October three. The awkwardness comes

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Speaker 1: because we're still getting married. We're still going to get

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Speaker 1: married on May nin different dress. Think Carrie Bradshaw's actual

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Speaker 1: wedding to Big Okay from the movie. So it's like

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Speaker 1: a little suit, like a dress suit, much shorter and

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Speaker 1: way less people. How do I get past the awkwardness

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Speaker 1: in October when everyone knows we are married already and

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Speaker 1: we do a big day redo. I've been looking forward

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Speaker 1: to it forever, but not now. I feel like it's

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Speaker 1: going to be a word. Yeah. Well look, it's funny

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Speaker 1: when she when when Kelly sent me that email, I um,

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Speaker 1: I actually was able to relate to it, not not

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Speaker 1: because of the wedding of not because of a wedding

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Speaker 1: of my own, but my sister to change the date

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Speaker 1: of her wedding, and so I was I sort of

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Speaker 1: like walked with her through it. And so, and the

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Speaker 1: circumstances were a little different. She had planned a wedding

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Speaker 1: for for May, and then she and her fiance ended

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Speaker 1: up pregnant, and she had already been fitted for the dress.

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Speaker 1: All of the alterations, and so she was like, I

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Speaker 1: have to move the wedding up. I can't. I've just

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Speaker 1: got to do it sooner so that I'm not like

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Speaker 1: pregnant in my photos and don't have to buy a dress.

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Speaker 1: So you know, she had told all of her friends

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Speaker 1: like from college and stuff like I'm getting married to May,

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Speaker 1: like expect to save the date, blah blah blah, and

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Speaker 1: then showed the wedding. I moved up to decemb her,

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Speaker 1: so it was you know, five six months earlier. And

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Speaker 1: then you know, she forgot to tell people, except for

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Speaker 1: she made it a much smaller wedding so it was

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Speaker 1: just immediate family at that point. And then she starts

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Speaker 1: posting wedding photos and it piste off a ton of

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Speaker 1: her friends, and um, it was like this whole thing

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Speaker 1: that she had to like she also lost the baby,

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Speaker 1: so it was like, oh my god, and I don't

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Speaker 1: need to laugh about that because that's obviously a really

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Speaker 1: sad thing, but it, um was one of those things

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Speaker 1: where like she had people piste off at her, and

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Speaker 1: she was like she had to go back and be like, well,

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Speaker 1: this is why, and by the way, I lost the baby.

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Speaker 1: So then all of her friends felt terrible. And I

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Speaker 1: think the moral of it all is it's your day.

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Speaker 1: You know, It's like this is it's not about anybody

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Speaker 1: else's feeling. It's about what you need to do. For

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Speaker 1: your wedding day and whatever you needed you to make

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Speaker 1: it feel perfect for you. You don't have to worry

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Speaker 1: about how however anyone else feels, except for maybe your

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Speaker 1: parents if they're paying for it. But even still, it's

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Speaker 1: your wedding, and I think that whatever makes the most

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Speaker 1: sense for you is what you have to embrace and

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Speaker 1: then anyone who loves you will be fine with that,

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Speaker 1: agree with that. And I think that that is what

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Speaker 1: gets so lost so many times and weddings these days,

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Speaker 1: is it just becomes this whole thing that you're planning

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Speaker 1: for everyone else and not yourself, and you can't really

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Speaker 1: enjoy it. And the other point about this right now

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Speaker 1: for you, Kristen, is if people can't understand why you

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Speaker 1: had to postpone your wedding right now, then there's something

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Speaker 1: wrong with them, like that man uninvite them in general,

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Speaker 1: like they should not be at that wedding. They have

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Speaker 1: a big problem, and that is that they're completely have

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Speaker 1: a stick up their ass and can't see outside of themselves,

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Speaker 1: because that is just yeah, it's just like and also

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Speaker 1: if you're if you're already technically married, so what this

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Speaker 1: whole wedding is supposed to be a celebration of your love. Right,

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Speaker 1: So just take the opportunity celebrate the love that you

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Speaker 1: have for your person and the people that are hopefully

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Speaker 1: there that they can just be happy and honestly ready

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Speaker 1: to fucking party back October right to Like my I

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Speaker 1: ended up throwing what I just called a reception for

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Speaker 1: my sister on the original wedding date so she could

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Speaker 1: invite all of her friends, and um, I invited a

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Speaker 1: bunch of my friends too. We just turned it into

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Speaker 1: a big party. Yeah, and I have friends today that's

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Speaker 1: still like reference like the day that they went to

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Speaker 1: my sister's wedding, And I'm like, you realize there was

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Speaker 1: no ceremony, there was nothing but all of them that

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Speaker 1: they were at my sister's because they were at the party,

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Speaker 1: that's what people remember about the wedding. Anyway. Yes, I

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Speaker 1: think it's cool that they're still going to actually be

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Speaker 1: able to get married in May. I know a lot

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Speaker 1: of people have had to completely postpone everything. And the

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Speaker 1: worst part is that a lot of these wedding like

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Speaker 1: venues or whatever it is, like the flower people, because

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Speaker 1: I guess they have to stay in business too, they're

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Speaker 1: not giving them like refunds or breaks on the money

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Speaker 1: part of it. So some people are having to completely

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Speaker 1: reconfigure their wedding because of finances. Which it's just one

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Speaker 1: of those time periods that if you can't give everyone

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Speaker 1: around you grace because we're all just trying to figure

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Speaker 1: this out as you go, Like the problem is you,

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Speaker 1: it's not it's not anyone else. So Kristen, you do

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Speaker 1: you boo have fun. I hope you guys have the

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Speaker 1: best celebration. I'm actually jealous because about October. If I

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Speaker 1: don't have a huge party, pissico to I'm gonna be

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Speaker 1: going crazy. Kristen, these send uson invite email us at

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Speaker 1: Caswell at velvets edge dot com. I mean the other thing,

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Speaker 1: actually we'll make We'll make such a scene that no

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Speaker 1: one would even care about anything else happened. Have you

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Speaker 1: ever heard that quote? What people think of me is

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Speaker 1: none of my business. That's kind of like going through

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Speaker 1: my head right now too. It's just like, yeah, it's

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Speaker 1: just like it's none of your business. And especially people

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Speaker 1: who are at your wedding supposed you know that are

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Speaker 1: supposed to be there to celebrate you and your love

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Speaker 1: on your day. If they can't. Then, bab babbitch, what

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Speaker 1: did you send me that lizza thing? There's a Lizza

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Speaker 1: mean that keeps going around and keep saying babbit that

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Speaker 1: chips sending me basically every day. Well, on that note,

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Speaker 1: I think we actually chip. You know what. We forgot

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Speaker 1: to mention the third and maybe most important thing to remember.

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Speaker 1: We're in all of these scenarios when you're trying to

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Speaker 1: let go of control and that's just too are y'all

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Speaker 1: at Caslor