WEBVTT - How I Stopped Being a People Pleaser 0:00:03.200 --> 0:00:08.440 O, how's everyone. I hope today has been awesome for you, guys, 0:00:08.520 --> 0:00:10.920 and if not, I hope today's episode of Cheeks and 0:00:11.000 --> 0:00:14.800 Chill makes you feel really great and empowered. So today 0:00:15.200 --> 0:00:17.880 we're talking about a topic I've mentioned a lot throughout 0:00:17.920 --> 0:00:22.960 the season, people pleasing. You guys know that I've struggled 0:00:23.040 --> 0:00:25.759 with being a people pleaser in the past, but I'm 0:00:25.760 --> 0:00:28.400 in a much better place now, but I still struggle 0:00:28.520 --> 0:00:30.720 here and there with it. So I wanted to share 0:00:30.880 --> 0:00:33.880 my experiences and share how I stop putting the needs 0:00:33.880 --> 0:00:38.080 of others above my own in certain situations. So let's 0:00:38.080 --> 0:00:43.640 hop into this episode. First of all, what exactly is 0:00:43.680 --> 0:00:47.120 a people pleaser? According to the Dictionary, it's a person 0:00:47.200 --> 0:00:50.959 who has an emotional need to please others, often at 0:00:50.960 --> 0:00:54.800 the expense of his or her own needs or desires. 0:00:55.640 --> 0:00:59.080 And that's exactly what I used to do, guys, And 0:00:59.160 --> 0:01:01.920 you know, I I think, and I was writing down 0:01:01.960 --> 0:01:03.320 and I did a little bit of research because I 0:01:03.360 --> 0:01:04.600 wanted to make sure I was giving you guys the 0:01:04.720 --> 0:01:08.400 right information. As you know, you come on Cheeky's and 0:01:08.480 --> 0:01:11.160 Chill podcasts to hear the truth, and I'm always gonna 0:01:11.160 --> 0:01:13.280 be honest with you. And that means I'm going to 0:01:13.319 --> 0:01:15.240 share my personal experiences with you guys. 0:01:15.680 --> 0:01:16.880 So AnyWho, let's. 0:01:16.680 --> 0:01:21.720 Talk a little bit about traits or signs of people pleasing. Okay, 0:01:22.240 --> 0:01:25.400 saying yes when you really mean no. You've talked about 0:01:25.400 --> 0:01:29.560 that a lot here, Apologizing for things that aren't your fault. Ooh, 0:01:29.640 --> 0:01:31.880 I just did that. That's all long ago with my 0:01:31.920 --> 0:01:38.080 siblings actually, huh. Okay, Avoiding conflict at all costs hm hm, 0:01:38.520 --> 0:01:42.360 that confrontation thing. Guys like I sometimes have a little 0:01:42.400 --> 0:01:46.679 bit of a problem with confrontation. But it doesn't have 0:01:46.760 --> 0:01:49.440 to be conflict. It could just be like, hey, I 0:01:49.440 --> 0:01:53.240 don't like this anyway, changing your personality depending on who 0:01:53.280 --> 0:01:58.920 you're around, constantly seeking approval or validation, feeling responsible for 0:01:59.040 --> 0:02:05.360 other people's emotions hmm, being afraid to disappoint others, even strangers, 0:02:05.920 --> 0:02:09.600 Oh my gosh, Feeling guilt or anxiety when you put 0:02:09.600 --> 0:02:10.440 yourself first. 0:02:10.600 --> 0:02:12.600 Oh my gosh. You guys, I'm sure. 0:02:13.280 --> 0:02:15.760 I mean, unless you're just like a very selfish person 0:02:15.880 --> 0:02:18.520 and don't care about anyone in the world, I'm pretty 0:02:18.560 --> 0:02:21.600 sure we have all dealt with people pleasing in some 0:02:21.760 --> 0:02:24.800 areas of our life at some point, and as we 0:02:24.840 --> 0:02:27.880 get older, we realize this isn't healthy. And one thing 0:02:27.919 --> 0:02:30.480 that I feel I've gotten a lot better on or 0:02:30.520 --> 0:02:34.840 with should I say, is saying no. I have learned 0:02:34.880 --> 0:02:38.200 the power in that little it's a bitsy word where 0:02:38.200 --> 0:02:39.679 I'm like, you know what, I don't have to be 0:02:39.800 --> 0:02:42.640 mean about it. Like there were times, guys where I 0:02:42.680 --> 0:02:45.399 would go to events or to places that I did 0:02:45.440 --> 0:02:46.840 not want to go to because I didn't want to 0:02:46.840 --> 0:02:51.359 disappoint the person that invited me, or I felt pressured 0:02:51.400 --> 0:02:54.400 because it was the thing to do and it was 0:02:54.440 --> 0:02:56.400 the place to be, and I would go and I'd 0:02:56.480 --> 0:02:59.240 be so freaking miserable that I just have to just 0:02:59.320 --> 0:03:01.880 drink my life so that I can get through the event. 0:03:02.440 --> 0:03:04.560 And now I don't do that. Like I check in 0:03:04.600 --> 0:03:06.239 with myself and I'm like, Okay, do you want to 0:03:06.280 --> 0:03:06.480 do this? 0:03:06.560 --> 0:03:08.119 Are you doing this for the right reasons? 0:03:08.560 --> 0:03:12.160 Or are you doing this because this is what you 0:03:12.280 --> 0:03:13.600 should be doing? 0:03:14.720 --> 0:03:15.720 And I do that. 0:03:15.880 --> 0:03:18.040 I check with my heart and if I don't feel 0:03:18.040 --> 0:03:20.440 like going, and if it doesn't give me peace, I'm like, 0:03:20.480 --> 0:03:22.359 you know what, no, thank you, or I'm so sorry. 0:03:22.560 --> 0:03:24.280 I don't even have to lie about why I'm not 0:03:24.320 --> 0:03:26.920 going or i'm feeling sick or I used to do that, 0:03:26.960 --> 0:03:29.400 and then I would mess with my integrity because I 0:03:29.520 --> 0:03:31.840 was lying about something where I'm like, it's okay to say, 0:03:31.880 --> 0:03:33.800 you know what, just not feeling it today, thank you 0:03:33.840 --> 0:03:35.680 for the invite, but I won't be able to make 0:03:35.720 --> 0:03:38.320 it as simple as that. You don't even have to 0:03:38.400 --> 0:03:41.280 explain yourself, and I would over explain and then lie, 0:03:41.640 --> 0:03:46.040 and it just no, I'm only hurting myself anyway, So 0:03:46.240 --> 0:03:49.080 apologizing for things that aren't your fault. I mentioned my 0:03:49.120 --> 0:03:51.800 siblings a little bit about that because that just happened, 0:03:52.520 --> 0:03:57.200 and I kind of like caved in with my siblings 0:03:57.240 --> 0:03:59.520 about a situation that we were going through a rough patch. 0:04:00.120 --> 0:04:03.640 But I don't necessarily regret it. It made me feel 0:04:03.640 --> 0:04:05.480 good because I'm like, you know what, I've always been 0:04:05.480 --> 0:04:09.000 taught to lead by example, and I want to lead 0:04:09.040 --> 0:04:14.880 with love and even if I don't necessarily get what 0:04:14.960 --> 0:04:17.680 I need, because I can't really tell you that I 0:04:17.720 --> 0:04:22.120 did except for one actually no two of them apologized 0:04:22.279 --> 0:04:25.359 about what they did as well, But anyway, that was me, 0:04:25.680 --> 0:04:29.320 I think, in a way, pleasing them while I was 0:04:29.400 --> 0:04:32.360 pleasing myself because I'm like, okay, I don't see a 0:04:32.400 --> 0:04:33.520 life without my siblings. 0:04:33.560 --> 0:04:34.040 I love them. 0:04:34.040 --> 0:04:35.520 I want them a part of my life, even if 0:04:35.560 --> 0:04:36.760 things are going to be a little different. 0:04:36.800 --> 0:04:37.479 But I did. 0:04:38.120 --> 0:04:41.000 I felt like I probably jumped the gun because I 0:04:41.200 --> 0:04:43.119 just wanted it to go away. And I'm like, let's 0:04:43.200 --> 0:04:47.479 just let's just make this better. And I didn't stand 0:04:47.520 --> 0:04:47.919 the line. 0:04:48.800 --> 0:04:49.480 But it's okay. 0:04:49.800 --> 0:04:55.080 That's just a very minor and small example. But anyway, Okay, 0:04:55.400 --> 0:04:59.080 so let's talk a little bit about where people pleasing 0:04:59.200 --> 0:05:03.520 comes from. Okay, listen to this, because when I read this, 0:05:04.320 --> 0:05:06.200 I was like, oh my gosh, this resonates with me. 0:05:06.320 --> 0:05:06.599 Okay. 0:05:07.400 --> 0:05:12.960 Childhood conditioning being praised only when you were good, quiet, helpful, 0:05:13.040 --> 0:05:18.760 and agreeable. Ooh girl, oh does that speak to me? Okay, 0:05:18.800 --> 0:05:24.400 moving on trauma, wanting to avoid rejection or conflict at 0:05:24.440 --> 0:05:33.400 all cost. Family expectations, okay, or cultural expectations, especially in 0:05:33.480 --> 0:05:39.000 LATINX or religious households, where being selfless, obedient and nice 0:05:39.160 --> 0:05:41.320 is valued above authenticity. 0:05:41.440 --> 0:05:42.320 Did you guys hear that? 0:05:42.440 --> 0:05:46.480 Let me say this one more time, okay, where being selfless, 0:05:46.680 --> 0:05:52.839 obedient and nice is valued above authenticity, y'all. Oh my gosh, 0:05:53.400 --> 0:05:56.200 fear of abandonment. That was me for a very long 0:05:56.240 --> 0:06:00.480 time believing love must be earned, not freely given. Oh 0:06:00.520 --> 0:06:04.359 my gosh, guys, Ugh, I'm pretty sure you guys listening 0:06:04.920 --> 0:06:09.600 can relate in some way. Why is people pleasing unhealthy? 0:06:09.640 --> 0:06:10.360 You, guys? 0:06:11.040 --> 0:06:15.000 It leads to resentment and burnout, You lose your sense 0:06:15.000 --> 0:06:20.800 of self, you can be easily manipulated, creates inauthentic relationships. 0:06:20.800 --> 0:06:25.880 That's a huge one. It creates inauthentic relationships. It delays 0:06:25.920 --> 0:06:30.000 your growth and healing, teaches others to disrespect your boundaries. 0:06:30.640 --> 0:06:33.039 But you know, talking about my siblings because it is fair, 0:06:33.160 --> 0:06:36.080 and I want to be fair about this. One of 0:06:36.120 --> 0:06:38.400 the things that caused this whole rough patch with my 0:06:38.440 --> 0:06:47.120 siblings and I was I accidentally subconsciously crossed one of 0:06:47.200 --> 0:06:50.640 Jenica's boundaries. My sister Jenica and her and I are 0:06:50.720 --> 0:06:55.200 very close, and I feel like she felt No, I 0:06:55.240 --> 0:06:57.400 don't feel she told me that I crossed the boundary, 0:06:57.440 --> 0:06:59.640 and then it just seemed like I didn't care. And 0:06:59.680 --> 0:07:02.560 this is where my big sister Hat came in and 0:07:02.680 --> 0:07:05.960 was like, wait, Okay, well yeah, I'm not I can't 0:07:06.000 --> 0:07:08.400 talk about this, but it's important that I talk about 0:07:08.440 --> 0:07:10.280 this certain situation. And again, I don't want to get 0:07:10.280 --> 0:07:12.240 into details because I don't think it's necessary right now. 0:07:12.520 --> 0:07:15.760 But I guess I did cross a boundary. It wasn't 0:07:15.760 --> 0:07:20.240 my intention. I was just being that sister slash mother 0:07:20.920 --> 0:07:23.560 where I'm like, you know what, I need to tell 0:07:23.560 --> 0:07:26.080 you that I don't agree with this, even if it 0:07:26.160 --> 0:07:28.360 is kind of crossing a boundary, but I still cross 0:07:28.400 --> 0:07:31.280 the boundary. I'm still learning, you guys, I'm still learning. 0:07:31.280 --> 0:07:33.800 I'm still human. I'm still trying to figure the shit out, 0:07:33.880 --> 0:07:36.640 you know. So AnyWho, I hope that you guys listen 0:07:36.720 --> 0:07:38.720 to all of that because I think it is important 0:07:39.240 --> 0:07:41.440 to understand all of this, where it comes from, why 0:07:41.480 --> 0:07:42.120 we do it, etc. 0:07:42.360 --> 0:07:42.520 Etc. 0:07:43.400 --> 0:07:47.920 And also as we get older, it feels more uncomfortable. 0:07:48.560 --> 0:07:49.200 It really does. 0:07:49.240 --> 0:07:53.480 Like for me, I'm like, no, I don't want to 0:07:53.480 --> 0:07:55.760 be a people pleaser. I want to be my authentic 0:07:55.880 --> 0:07:59.480 self one hundred percent, even if that means people aren't going. 0:07:59.320 --> 0:07:59.760 To like me. 0:08:00.280 --> 0:08:03.600 I am okay with not being liked by a lot 0:08:03.640 --> 0:08:06.640 of people. There are certain people that I want to please, 0:08:06.720 --> 0:08:11.280 like my husband. But even then, with him, I have 0:08:11.440 --> 0:08:16.800 learned to be very hmm, what's the word, not vocal, 0:08:17.920 --> 0:08:23.400 not necessarily assertive, But I have learned that it is 0:08:23.440 --> 0:08:26.920 okay for me to be my individual self and want 0:08:26.960 --> 0:08:30.960 different things than he wants, and it is also okay, 0:08:31.040 --> 0:08:34.520 and I need to be okay with him wanting different 0:08:34.559 --> 0:08:41.040 things because if I could be honest before, I was 0:08:41.080 --> 0:08:43.120 like okay and not with him. I mean in my 0:08:43.120 --> 0:08:46.199 past relationships, and this is where I messed up, where 0:08:46.240 --> 0:08:48.000 I'm like, okay, I could do what I want. This 0:08:48.040 --> 0:08:52.400 is how I feel. But then you can't necessarily have 0:08:52.440 --> 0:08:55.080 your own thoughts. I mean, just as a little small example, 0:08:55.800 --> 0:08:58.600 but if I want my relationship to work, I not 0:08:58.679 --> 0:09:01.240 only have to stand as my author self and being 0:09:01.280 --> 0:09:08.960 my individual person. But that's how our relationship is. Two individual, 0:09:09.160 --> 0:09:13.120 authentic people that are in their own process, in their 0:09:13.160 --> 0:09:17.920 own healing process, trying to be their best selves come together, 0:09:18.559 --> 0:09:23.280 respecting each other's individuality and coming together and making each 0:09:23.280 --> 0:09:26.760 other happy. But we have to make ourselves happy. I 0:09:26.800 --> 0:09:28.840 know that was a mouthful, but I hope it made sense. 0:09:29.240 --> 0:09:33.240 My point being that I have learned to speak with 0:09:33.400 --> 0:09:36.240 love and say, hey, babe, I don't necessarily want to 0:09:36.240 --> 0:09:36.400 do that. 0:09:36.440 --> 0:09:38.120 I don't agree with that. If you want to do it, 0:09:38.160 --> 0:09:38.680 go ahead. 0:09:39.160 --> 0:09:41.640 It's just not my jibe and that's okay, and if 0:09:41.679 --> 0:09:43.880 you feel the same way, it is okay. 0:09:44.280 --> 0:09:45.160 Before I would. 0:09:44.960 --> 0:09:48.840 Over extend myself in relationships with not just a significant other, 0:09:49.520 --> 0:09:52.080 but friendships, family, etc. 0:09:52.280 --> 0:09:52.480 Etc. 0:09:52.720 --> 0:09:55.080 And I would feel depleted. I would feel like I 0:09:55.160 --> 0:09:57.800 was giving so much and not getting in return what 0:09:58.000 --> 0:10:00.840 my heart needed because I did get people used to 0:10:00.920 --> 0:10:04.960 just overextending myself, and that's part of people pleasing because 0:10:05.000 --> 0:10:06.800 you don't want to lose that person. That's part of, 0:10:07.040 --> 0:10:09.480 you know, the abandoned issues that I had, Like I'm like, Okay, 0:10:09.480 --> 0:10:12.160 I'm gonna accept this person even though they're treating me 0:10:12.200 --> 0:10:13.920 like crap. And I know I don't deserve this, but 0:10:14.360 --> 0:10:17.760 I don't want them to leave me. And oh my gosh, 0:10:17.760 --> 0:10:20.640 as I'm speaking you guys, I'm realizing some things and 0:10:20.679 --> 0:10:23.360 I'm like, oh my gosh, I again, like I said, 0:10:23.440 --> 0:10:25.640 I still struggle with this stuff, you guys, Like it's 0:10:25.640 --> 0:10:27.679 still something that I need to remind myself, which is 0:10:27.720 --> 0:10:29.719 why I thought it was very important that I did 0:10:29.720 --> 0:10:33.040 this episode because it's it's hashtag note to myself as well, 0:10:33.040 --> 0:10:35.600 because as I'm speaking and I'm telling you guys, I'm like, 0:10:35.640 --> 0:10:37.680 oh my gosh, I literally just did this not so 0:10:37.720 --> 0:10:40.160 long ago, because I don't want to lose certain people 0:10:40.160 --> 0:10:42.680 and I don't want to lose their love and I 0:10:42.720 --> 0:10:44.000 want them in my life. 0:10:44.120 --> 0:10:49.400 That you kind of not accept. It's not the word. 0:10:50.040 --> 0:10:57.600 You overlook, I guess, or you excuse people's behavior and 0:10:57.640 --> 0:11:01.360 then they don't learn because you keep doing things the 0:11:01.400 --> 0:11:06.840 same and you keep just again over extending yourself and 0:11:06.920 --> 0:11:12.160 then you feel depleted and then you can't function at 0:11:12.160 --> 0:11:15.440 your best and show up as your best version. And 0:11:15.480 --> 0:11:17.800 I'm having an epiphany right now as I'm speaking to 0:11:17.800 --> 0:11:20.600 you guys. But anyway, it's not about me right now. 0:11:21.360 --> 0:11:23.680 It is about people pleasing and how we are all 0:11:23.960 --> 0:11:27.280 as a community of cheeky's and chill We're going to 0:11:27.320 --> 0:11:31.760 try our best to change this together and remind ourselves 0:11:32.679 --> 0:11:35.840 when we're doing it and not to do it because 0:11:35.960 --> 0:11:42.560 it causes a world of problems. 0:11:45.080 --> 0:11:46.360 How to stop people pleasing? 0:11:46.640 --> 0:11:50.560 Okay, and reclaim your power. We are going to reclaim 0:11:50.679 --> 0:11:52.000 our power. Okay, say it. 0:11:51.960 --> 0:11:54.160 With me wherever you're at, if you're at work. 0:11:54.000 --> 0:11:56.280 Say it low, okay, but say it with me okay, 0:11:56.320 --> 0:11:59.520 if you're wherever you are. We are going to reclaim 0:11:59.640 --> 0:12:04.839 our power because we deserve it. Okay, pause before saying yes. 0:12:05.400 --> 0:12:08.600 Ask yourself, do I want to do this? Or am 0:12:08.600 --> 0:12:12.040 I afraid of how they'll feel if I say no? 0:12:12.200 --> 0:12:14.079 That's Number one. Talked about that one. I feel like 0:12:14.120 --> 0:12:15.240 I got that one down. 0:12:15.559 --> 0:12:16.040 Number two. 0:12:16.600 --> 0:12:21.400 Get comfortable with discomfort, y'all. Ooh, right now, I wrote 0:12:21.400 --> 0:12:22.960 all this and I can't even believe it. Okay, because 0:12:22.960 --> 0:12:25.440 it's coming back to me as I'm reading it to you. Okay, 0:12:25.920 --> 0:12:30.439 it's okay. If people are disappointed, discomfort isn't danger. Okay, 0:12:30.880 --> 0:12:35.560 it's okay, guys. If people are disappointed, discomfort isn't danger. 0:12:35.640 --> 0:12:39.840 Oh my gosh, janay hashtag note to myself times three okay. 0:12:40.040 --> 0:12:44.800 Number three. Affirm your worth. I am enough even when 0:12:44.840 --> 0:12:50.480 I say no. I am worthy without overextending myself. Number 0:12:50.480 --> 0:12:54.840 four set boundaries lovingly, saying I can't write now, but 0:12:54.960 --> 0:12:58.800 I care about you. It's still love. Boundaries are bridges, 0:12:59.200 --> 0:13:02.640 not walls. Ooh girl, did you hear that? I surprise 0:13:02.720 --> 0:13:03.320 myself sometimes? 0:13:03.360 --> 0:13:03.640 Okay. 0:13:03.760 --> 0:13:08.480 Number five. Reconnect with your needs. Ask yourself daily, what 0:13:08.520 --> 0:13:11.800 do I want? What do I need? What do I feel? 0:13:12.360 --> 0:13:17.520 Let that guide your actions. Number six Start small practice 0:13:17.520 --> 0:13:21.840 with low stake situations. Okay, what does that mean, decline 0:13:21.840 --> 0:13:27.000 and invite, express a preference. Ask for space. That's a 0:13:27.000 --> 0:13:29.760 big one. It's okay to ask for space. I do 0:13:29.840 --> 0:13:32.120 that in my relationship. Sometimes I will tell him I'm like, baby, 0:13:32.080 --> 0:13:33.720 you know what, I'm not in a good mood. I 0:13:33.760 --> 0:13:36.000 just need space, or I need to go to dinner 0:13:36.000 --> 0:13:38.679 with my friends because I need space, and he's allowed 0:13:38.720 --> 0:13:40.760 to do the same. It has to be vice versa. Guys, Okay, 0:13:40.840 --> 0:13:42.760 just fy. You have to be okay. You can't just 0:13:42.800 --> 0:13:44.720 be Oh, I want to do it, but you can't 0:13:44.720 --> 0:13:47.000 do it. That's the old Jena. By the way, I 0:13:47.040 --> 0:13:49.640 have learned. I have learned, I have grown. 0:13:50.600 --> 0:13:50.840 Okay. 0:13:50.960 --> 0:13:56.880 Number seven, surround yourself with safe people. Oh Jesus, yes, okay, please, 0:13:57.480 --> 0:14:00.520 the right people will love the real you, not just 0:14:00.600 --> 0:14:07.120 the version that serves them when you say yes to 0:14:07.200 --> 0:14:09.320 others but no to yourself. And this is something I 0:14:09.320 --> 0:14:11.880 want you guys to remember. Okay, It's something I wrote, 0:14:12.000 --> 0:14:15.200 and it's very profound because again, all of this is 0:14:15.240 --> 0:14:17.280 also for myself and for the people that I love. 0:14:17.400 --> 0:14:19.680 So if my friends are listening to the podcast, thank 0:14:19.720 --> 0:14:21.560 you for listening, first of all, but you know this 0:14:21.680 --> 0:14:24.680 is for all of us. When you say yes to others, 0:14:24.720 --> 0:14:28.200 but no to yourself. You betray your own soul. Healing 0:14:28.320 --> 0:14:32.920 begins when you choose yourself without guilt. And I'm glad 0:14:32.960 --> 0:14:36.680 that we're going to talk about guilt because people pleasing does. 0:14:37.240 --> 0:14:39.880 As you guys heard where it comes from. And I 0:14:39.920 --> 0:14:42.760 was telling you guys all of that stuff. I used 0:14:42.760 --> 0:14:46.920 to feel so guilty because I was taught in church 0:14:47.880 --> 0:14:50.760 that the best kind of love is the selfless love. 0:14:51.400 --> 0:14:53.600 And I was brought up in a Christian, a very 0:14:53.680 --> 0:14:56.160 Christian home, and I was raised by my grandma and 0:14:56.200 --> 0:15:01.480 she's very Christian. And I thought that saying no, or 0:15:01.840 --> 0:15:05.880 setting boundaries or just being selfish, is that that's kind 0:15:05.920 --> 0:15:09.080 of what I was taught, Like, Okay, you're being selfish 0:15:09.120 --> 0:15:13.080 just because I decided to be like no, I don't 0:15:13.120 --> 0:15:15.320 necessarily want to do this. Like I felt very guilty, 0:15:15.360 --> 0:15:16.760 Like I don't know it was something that I was 0:15:16.800 --> 0:15:21.040 programmed with. I think it came from, honestly, from religion. 0:15:21.120 --> 0:15:23.040 I'm not gonna lie. I'm not saying all religions are 0:15:23.040 --> 0:15:26.000 like that, but in my case, in my situation, I 0:15:26.120 --> 0:15:29.480 was thinking about it as I was writing everything and 0:15:29.520 --> 0:15:32.920 preparing for this episode. I'm like, where like did it 0:15:32.960 --> 0:15:35.520 first start, And I think that's where it was, because 0:15:36.400 --> 0:15:38.520 now we talk a lot about self love and self 0:15:38.520 --> 0:15:41.400 care and what that means. And don't get me wrong, 0:15:41.480 --> 0:15:43.520 that doesn't mean you have to be in a hole 0:15:43.880 --> 0:15:45.720 and be mean and be like no, you know, like 0:15:45.840 --> 0:15:49.160 there's no, it's not that. It's just really listening to 0:15:49.280 --> 0:15:52.800 your intuition, listening to that little voice that I call God, 0:15:52.880 --> 0:15:56.240 that little voice inside that we all have. I feel 0:15:56.240 --> 0:15:59.240 like it's God, you know, obviously, Like I like to 0:15:59.240 --> 0:16:01.840 do heart checks, talked about that on the episode. I'm like, Okay, 0:16:01.880 --> 0:16:03.920 how does my heart feel? Where's my heart at? Is 0:16:03.920 --> 0:16:05.680 this a good feeling? Is this a bad feeling? 0:16:05.760 --> 0:16:06.840 Am I? You know what I mean? 0:16:06.880 --> 0:16:08.680 You got to do all those checks with yourself. But 0:16:09.200 --> 0:16:12.480 that guilt was so heavy on me for so long 0:16:13.200 --> 0:16:16.480 that I did not realize until it was not too late, 0:16:16.560 --> 0:16:18.800 but almost too late, where I'm like, oh my gosh, 0:16:18.960 --> 0:16:21.920 I don't have more to give because I've given it 0:16:21.960 --> 0:16:25.120 all and I didn't keep any for myself and I 0:16:25.240 --> 0:16:27.320 was not surrounding myself with the right people. So I 0:16:27.360 --> 0:16:29.800 was given given giving, and I wasn't getting anything back. 0:16:29.840 --> 0:16:30.800 So I was just. 0:16:31.240 --> 0:16:36.920 Left like a shell and I had to, like, you know, 0:16:37.040 --> 0:16:39.320 do therapy and do a lot all these things and 0:16:39.320 --> 0:16:42.720 relearn certain things in life in order to come back 0:16:42.760 --> 0:16:45.280 and feel whole again. And since I didn't want to 0:16:45.320 --> 0:16:48.440 go through that anymore, I had to just like rewire 0:16:48.640 --> 0:16:54.080 my thinking because I was so programmed since I was young, nine, ten, eleven, 0:16:54.160 --> 0:17:00.160 twelve of how I should be and it all came 0:17:00.200 --> 0:17:02.400 from guilt because I was like, Okay, if I'm selfish, 0:17:02.400 --> 0:17:04.440 I'm gonna go to hell, you know, Like that's really 0:17:04.440 --> 0:17:06.600 what I had, Like, I just have to give myself 0:17:06.800 --> 0:17:08.760 over and over, even if I'm hurt, because that's what 0:17:08.800 --> 0:17:10.320 God expects. 0:17:11.119 --> 0:17:14.760 And it's like, wait a second, that's so not the case. 0:17:15.359 --> 0:17:17.520 And I don't know if this is the episode to 0:17:17.520 --> 0:17:20.240 get into the nitty gritty of that, but maybe we 0:17:20.280 --> 0:17:23.800 should do a whole episode on that. But anyway, the 0:17:23.840 --> 0:17:26.600 guilt is real, guys, and you have to learn to 0:17:26.760 --> 0:17:30.840 just set that to the side and understand where you're 0:17:30.880 --> 0:17:34.520 coming from. And if you're not hurting anyone by saying no, 0:17:35.359 --> 0:17:39.679 by setting a healthy boundary for yourself, I think you're fine. 0:17:40.320 --> 0:17:44.960 Like I'm a lot happier now, and again, I'm still 0:17:45.040 --> 0:17:49.000 learning how to set boundaries, and you know, in certain 0:17:49.080 --> 0:17:51.640 relationships in my life and my personal life, and it's 0:17:51.640 --> 0:17:54.840 still like it's a work in progress. So make sure 0:17:54.960 --> 0:17:58.040 that you are gentle and compassionate with yourself. You're gonna 0:17:58.040 --> 0:17:59.679 fall off the badwagon a little bit and then you 0:17:59.720 --> 0:18:01.480 just get back on it. You know, it's like, okay, 0:18:01.840 --> 0:18:04.199 let me get back on track. It happens to all 0:18:04.240 --> 0:18:07.480 of us. It happens to me. But always ask yourself, 0:18:08.440 --> 0:18:10.840 am I doing this with a good intention? Am I 0:18:10.920 --> 0:18:14.680 trying to spite someone? Am I trying to guilt someone? 0:18:14.720 --> 0:18:18.400 Myself with trying to set either a boundary or make 0:18:18.440 --> 0:18:21.600 a point? You know, like, you know, just know and 0:18:21.640 --> 0:18:24.440 ask yourself, is my heart in the right place? And 0:18:25.040 --> 0:18:28.680 you'll know because you'll feel relaxed. And that's when I 0:18:28.720 --> 0:18:31.560 know that I am doing the right thing. If I 0:18:31.600 --> 0:18:35.200 feel peace, if my tummy is relaxed, if my heart 0:18:35.240 --> 0:18:38.000 feels at ease, and I always close my eyes, I'm like, okay, wait, 0:18:39.560 --> 0:18:40.919 is this coming from the right place? 0:18:41.160 --> 0:18:42.600 Okay, good? It is all right? 0:18:42.680 --> 0:18:45.080 Awesome, Then it's okay for me to just say no 0:18:45.359 --> 0:18:53.000 to this situation. And before I let you guys go, 0:18:53.320 --> 0:18:56.400 I do want to give your heart some ease, because 0:18:56.480 --> 0:18:58.359 I know there was a lot that was said on 0:18:58.400 --> 0:19:02.040 this episode saying that I have it all right. I'm 0:19:02.040 --> 0:19:04.840 just telling you from personal experience and how good it 0:19:04.920 --> 0:19:08.920 does feel with putting yourself first. But that doesn't mean 0:19:09.359 --> 0:19:12.760 that in certain situations or with certain people, you can't 0:19:12.800 --> 0:19:15.919 put them first. With your children or your husband, or 0:19:16.240 --> 0:19:19.360 especially if those people are good to you and they 0:19:19.400 --> 0:19:23.480 reciprocate what you give. But even then, if you want 0:19:23.520 --> 0:19:25.520 in your heart to make someone happy and you don't 0:19:25.800 --> 0:19:28.520 care if they give you anything back, I think that's beautiful. 0:19:29.400 --> 0:19:33.680 More power to you. I'm just talking about unhealthy situations, 0:19:34.280 --> 0:19:38.560 and only you will know what that means, because we 0:19:38.600 --> 0:19:40.520 know how it makes our body feel, and it makes 0:19:40.600 --> 0:19:42.520 us sad, and it makes us cry, and it makes 0:19:42.600 --> 0:19:46.520 us not stand straight and happy. There are certain situations 0:19:46.560 --> 0:19:48.440 and people that make us feel that way. So I'm 0:19:48.520 --> 0:19:51.399 just letting you just figure it out and make space 0:19:51.440 --> 0:19:53.800 for it. But again, there is nothing wrong with it 0:19:54.520 --> 0:19:58.320 at all. If you want to be that person that's 0:19:58.480 --> 0:20:02.160 just amazing and wants to give, give, give, I don't 0:20:02.160 --> 0:20:04.920 think there's anything wrong with that, actually, not at all, 0:20:05.280 --> 0:20:08.640 you know, and if that makes you happy, then more 0:20:08.640 --> 0:20:09.239 power to you. 0:20:09.440 --> 0:20:10.280 One hundred percent. 0:20:10.800 --> 0:20:12.120 So I just wanted to put that out there because 0:20:12.119 --> 0:20:13.840 I'm not saying, Okay, you know, go out in the 0:20:13.840 --> 0:20:16.439 world and just be a meani. I'm not saying that 0:20:16.480 --> 0:20:19.439 because I know I don't like being a meani. You know. 0:20:19.720 --> 0:20:22.320 I like to spread love and radiate love and everything 0:20:22.359 --> 0:20:26.080 that I do. But also, again, I don't want to 0:20:26.080 --> 0:20:28.480 get all into it again, but there are times where 0:20:28.520 --> 0:20:30.439 you just got hold on. You're not being nice and 0:20:30.480 --> 0:20:32.879 I'm not going to allow you to be disrespectful and 0:20:32.960 --> 0:20:34.920 mean to me. You're hurting my feelings and I don't 0:20:34.960 --> 0:20:37.639 like it, and that's it. So anyway, I hope that 0:20:37.720 --> 0:20:41.520 made sense. I really thought it was extremely important to 0:20:41.560 --> 0:20:44.280 talk about this because I do feel that it's something 0:20:44.320 --> 0:20:48.800 we all struggle with, and it feels good when you 0:20:48.880 --> 0:20:52.080 free yourself from this little by little. It's not going 0:20:52.160 --> 0:20:54.520 to happen from one day to another. And I don't 0:20:54.520 --> 0:20:57.520 recommend you guys doing it cold turkey, like you have 0:20:57.560 --> 0:20:59.920 to ease your way into it and ween off of 0:21:00.480 --> 0:21:03.159 being a people pleaser, because then you're gonna come off 0:21:03.200 --> 0:21:05.720 as a royal bee, you know, And it's like, okay, 0:21:05.800 --> 0:21:09.120 I'm not trying to cause more friction, you know, issues 0:21:09.200 --> 0:21:11.480 or tension in my life. I just want to free 0:21:11.520 --> 0:21:14.400 myself from this that is not causing me to feel 0:21:14.400 --> 0:21:17.280 good people pleasing And now that you guys know where 0:21:17.280 --> 0:21:19.800