Speaker 1: O, how's everyone. I hope today has been awesome for you, guys,
Speaker 1: and if not, I hope today's episode of Cheeks and
Speaker 1: Chill makes you feel really great and empowered. So today
Speaker 1: we're talking about a topic I've mentioned a lot throughout
Speaker 1: the season, people pleasing. You guys know that I've struggled
Speaker 1: with being a people pleaser in the past, but I'm
Speaker 1: in a much better place now, but I still struggle
Speaker 1: here and there with it. So I wanted to share
Speaker 1: my experiences and share how I stop putting the needs
Speaker 1: of others above my own in certain situations. So let's
Speaker 1: hop into this episode. First of all, what exactly is
Speaker 1: a people pleaser? According to the Dictionary, it's a person
Speaker 1: who has an emotional need to please others, often at
Speaker 1: the expense of his or her own needs or desires.
Speaker 1: And that's exactly what I used to do, guys, And
Speaker 1: you know, I I think, and I was writing down
Speaker 1: and I did a little bit of research because I
Speaker 1: wanted to make sure I was giving you guys the
Speaker 1: right information. As you know, you come on Cheeky's and
Speaker 1: Chill podcasts to hear the truth, and I'm always gonna
Speaker 1: be honest with you. And that means I'm going to
Speaker 1: share my personal experiences with you guys.
Speaker 2: So AnyWho, let's.
Speaker 1: Talk a little bit about traits or signs of people pleasing. Okay,
Speaker 1: saying yes when you really mean no. You've talked about
Speaker 1: that a lot here, Apologizing for things that aren't your fault. Ooh,
Speaker 1: I just did that. That's all long ago with my
Speaker 1: siblings actually, huh. Okay, Avoiding conflict at all costs hm hm,
Speaker 1: that confrontation thing. Guys like I sometimes have a little
Speaker 1: bit of a problem with confrontation. But it doesn't have
Speaker 1: to be conflict. It could just be like, hey, I
Speaker 1: don't like this anyway, changing your personality depending on who
Speaker 1: you're around, constantly seeking approval or validation, feeling responsible for
Speaker 1: other people's emotions hmm, being afraid to disappoint others, even strangers,
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, Feeling guilt or anxiety when you put
Speaker 1: yourself first.
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh. You guys, I'm sure.
Speaker 1: I mean, unless you're just like a very selfish person
Speaker 1: and don't care about anyone in the world, I'm pretty
Speaker 1: sure we have all dealt with people pleasing in some
Speaker 1: areas of our life at some point, and as we
Speaker 1: get older, we realize this isn't healthy. And one thing
Speaker 1: that I feel I've gotten a lot better on or
Speaker 1: with should I say, is saying no. I have learned
Speaker 1: the power in that little it's a bitsy word where
Speaker 1: I'm like, you know what, I don't have to be
Speaker 1: mean about it. Like there were times, guys where I
Speaker 1: would go to events or to places that I did
Speaker 1: not want to go to because I didn't want to
Speaker 1: disappoint the person that invited me, or I felt pressured
Speaker 1: because it was the thing to do and it was
Speaker 1: the place to be, and I would go and I'd
Speaker 1: be so freaking miserable that I just have to just
Speaker 1: drink my life so that I can get through the event.
Speaker 1: And now I don't do that. Like I check in
Speaker 1: with myself and I'm like, Okay, do you want to
Speaker 1: do this?
Speaker 2: Are you doing this for the right reasons?
Speaker 1: Or are you doing this because this is what you
Speaker 1: should be doing?
Speaker 2: And I do that.
Speaker 1: I check with my heart and if I don't feel
Speaker 1: like going, and if it doesn't give me peace, I'm like,
Speaker 1: you know what, no, thank you, or I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1: I don't even have to lie about why I'm not
Speaker 1: going or i'm feeling sick or I used to do that,
Speaker 1: and then I would mess with my integrity because I
Speaker 1: was lying about something where I'm like, it's okay to say,
Speaker 1: you know what, just not feeling it today, thank you
Speaker 1: for the invite, but I won't be able to make
Speaker 1: it as simple as that. You don't even have to
Speaker 1: explain yourself, and I would over explain and then lie,
Speaker 1: and it just no, I'm only hurting myself anyway, So
Speaker 1: apologizing for things that aren't your fault. I mentioned my
Speaker 1: siblings a little bit about that because that just happened,
Speaker 1: and I kind of like caved in with my siblings
Speaker 1: about a situation that we were going through a rough patch.
Speaker 1: But I don't necessarily regret it. It made me feel
Speaker 1: good because I'm like, you know what, I've always been
Speaker 1: taught to lead by example, and I want to lead
Speaker 1: with love and even if I don't necessarily get what
Speaker 1: I need, because I can't really tell you that I
Speaker 1: did except for one actually no two of them apologized
Speaker 1: about what they did as well, But anyway, that was me,
Speaker 1: I think, in a way, pleasing them while I was
Speaker 1: pleasing myself because I'm like, okay, I don't see a
Speaker 1: life without my siblings.
Speaker 2: I love them.
Speaker 1: I want them a part of my life, even if
Speaker 1: things are going to be a little different.
Speaker 2: But I did.
Speaker 1: I felt like I probably jumped the gun because I
Speaker 1: just wanted it to go away. And I'm like, let's
Speaker 1: just let's just make this better. And I didn't stand
Speaker 1: the line.
Speaker 2: But it's okay.
Speaker 1: That's just a very minor and small example. But anyway, Okay,
Speaker 1: so let's talk a little bit about where people pleasing
Speaker 1: comes from. Okay, listen to this, because when I read this,
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my gosh, this resonates with me.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: Childhood conditioning being praised only when you were good, quiet, helpful,
Speaker 1: and agreeable. Ooh girl, oh does that speak to me? Okay,
Speaker 1: moving on trauma, wanting to avoid rejection or conflict at
Speaker 1: all cost. Family expectations, okay, or cultural expectations, especially in
Speaker 1: LATINX or religious households, where being selfless, obedient and nice
Speaker 1: is valued above authenticity.
Speaker 2: Did you guys hear that?
Speaker 1: Let me say this one more time, okay, where being selfless,
Speaker 1: obedient and nice is valued above authenticity, y'all. Oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: fear of abandonment. That was me for a very long
Speaker 1: time believing love must be earned, not freely given. Oh
Speaker 1: my gosh, guys, Ugh, I'm pretty sure you guys listening
Speaker 1: can relate in some way. Why is people pleasing unhealthy?
Speaker 2: You, guys?
Speaker 1: It leads to resentment and burnout, You lose your sense
Speaker 1: of self, you can be easily manipulated, creates inauthentic relationships.
Speaker 1: That's a huge one. It creates inauthentic relationships. It delays
Speaker 1: your growth and healing, teaches others to disrespect your boundaries.
Speaker 1: But you know, talking about my siblings because it is fair,
Speaker 1: and I want to be fair about this. One of
Speaker 1: the things that caused this whole rough patch with my
Speaker 1: siblings and I was I accidentally subconsciously crossed one of
Speaker 1: Jenica's boundaries. My sister Jenica and her and I are
Speaker 1: very close, and I feel like she felt No, I
Speaker 1: don't feel she told me that I crossed the boundary,
Speaker 1: and then it just seemed like I didn't care. And
Speaker 1: this is where my big sister Hat came in and
Speaker 1: was like, wait, Okay, well yeah, I'm not I can't
Speaker 1: talk about this, but it's important that I talk about
Speaker 1: this certain situation. And again, I don't want to get
Speaker 1: into details because I don't think it's necessary right now.
Speaker 1: But I guess I did cross a boundary. It wasn't
Speaker 1: my intention. I was just being that sister slash mother
Speaker 1: where I'm like, you know what, I need to tell
Speaker 1: you that I don't agree with this, even if it
Speaker 1: is kind of crossing a boundary, but I still cross
Speaker 1: the boundary. I'm still learning, you guys, I'm still learning.
Speaker 1: I'm still human. I'm still trying to figure the shit out,
Speaker 1: you know. So AnyWho, I hope that you guys listen
Speaker 1: to all of that because I think it is important
Speaker 1: to understand all of this, where it comes from, why
Speaker 1: we do it, etc.
Speaker 2: Etc.
Speaker 1: And also as we get older, it feels more uncomfortable.
Speaker 2: It really does.
Speaker 1: Like for me, I'm like, no, I don't want to
Speaker 1: be a people pleaser. I want to be my authentic
Speaker 1: self one hundred percent, even if that means people aren't going.
Speaker 2: To like me.
Speaker 1: I am okay with not being liked by a lot
Speaker 1: of people. There are certain people that I want to please,
Speaker 1: like my husband. But even then, with him, I have
Speaker 1: learned to be very hmm, what's the word, not vocal,
Speaker 1: not necessarily assertive, But I have learned that it is
Speaker 1: okay for me to be my individual self and want
Speaker 1: different things than he wants, and it is also okay,
Speaker 1: and I need to be okay with him wanting different
Speaker 1: things because if I could be honest before, I was
Speaker 1: like okay and not with him. I mean in my
Speaker 1: past relationships, and this is where I messed up, where
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, I could do what I want. This
Speaker 1: is how I feel. But then you can't necessarily have
Speaker 1: your own thoughts. I mean, just as a little small example,
Speaker 1: but if I want my relationship to work, I not
Speaker 1: only have to stand as my author self and being
Speaker 1: my individual person. But that's how our relationship is. Two individual,
Speaker 1: authentic people that are in their own process, in their
Speaker 1: own healing process, trying to be their best selves come together,
Speaker 1: respecting each other's individuality and coming together and making each
Speaker 1: other happy. But we have to make ourselves happy. I
Speaker 1: know that was a mouthful, but I hope it made sense.
Speaker 1: My point being that I have learned to speak with
Speaker 1: love and say, hey, babe, I don't necessarily want to
Speaker 1: do that.
Speaker 2: I don't agree with that. If you want to do it,
Speaker 2: go ahead.
Speaker 1: It's just not my jibe and that's okay, and if
Speaker 1: you feel the same way, it is okay.
Speaker 2: Before I would.
Speaker 1: Over extend myself in relationships with not just a significant other,
Speaker 1: but friendships, family, etc.
Speaker 2: Etc.
Speaker 1: And I would feel depleted. I would feel like I
Speaker 1: was giving so much and not getting in return what
Speaker 1: my heart needed because I did get people used to
Speaker 1: just overextending myself, and that's part of people pleasing because
Speaker 1: you don't want to lose that person. That's part of,
Speaker 1: you know, the abandoned issues that I had, Like I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna accept this person even though they're treating me
Speaker 1: like crap. And I know I don't deserve this, but
Speaker 1: I don't want them to leave me. And oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: as I'm speaking you guys, I'm realizing some things and
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my gosh, I again, like I said,
Speaker 1: I still struggle with this stuff, you guys, Like it's
Speaker 1: still something that I need to remind myself, which is
Speaker 1: why I thought it was very important that I did
Speaker 1: this episode because it's it's hashtag note to myself as well,
Speaker 1: because as I'm speaking and I'm telling you guys, I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I literally just did this not so
Speaker 1: long ago, because I don't want to lose certain people
Speaker 1: and I don't want to lose their love and I
Speaker 1: want them in my life.
Speaker 2: That you kind of not accept. It's not the word.
Speaker 1: You overlook, I guess, or you excuse people's behavior and
Speaker 1: then they don't learn because you keep doing things the
Speaker 1: same and you keep just again over extending yourself and
Speaker 1: then you feel depleted and then you can't function at
Speaker 1: your best and show up as your best version. And
Speaker 1: I'm having an epiphany right now as I'm speaking to
Speaker 1: you guys. But anyway, it's not about me right now.
Speaker 1: It is about people pleasing and how we are all
Speaker 1: as a community of cheeky's and chill We're going to
Speaker 1: try our best to change this together and remind ourselves
Speaker 1: when we're doing it and not to do it because
Speaker 1: it causes a world of problems.
Speaker 2: How to stop people pleasing?
Speaker 1: Okay, and reclaim your power. We are going to reclaim
Speaker 1: our power. Okay, say it.
Speaker 2: With me wherever you're at, if you're at work.
Speaker 1: Say it low, okay, but say it with me okay,
Speaker 1: if you're wherever you are. We are going to reclaim
Speaker 1: our power because we deserve it. Okay, pause before saying yes.
Speaker 1: Ask yourself, do I want to do this? Or am
Speaker 1: I afraid of how they'll feel if I say no?
Speaker 1: That's Number one. Talked about that one. I feel like
Speaker 1: I got that one down.
Speaker 2: Number two.
Speaker 1: Get comfortable with discomfort, y'all. Ooh, right now, I wrote
Speaker 1: all this and I can't even believe it. Okay, because
Speaker 1: it's coming back to me as I'm reading it to you. Okay,
Speaker 1: it's okay. If people are disappointed, discomfort isn't danger. Okay,
Speaker 1: it's okay, guys. If people are disappointed, discomfort isn't danger.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, janay hashtag note to myself times three okay.
Speaker 1: Number three. Affirm your worth. I am enough even when
Speaker 1: I say no. I am worthy without overextending myself. Number
Speaker 1: four set boundaries lovingly, saying I can't write now, but
Speaker 1: I care about you. It's still love. Boundaries are bridges,
Speaker 1: not walls. Ooh girl, did you hear that? I surprise
Speaker 1: myself sometimes?
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: Number five. Reconnect with your needs. Ask yourself daily, what
Speaker 1: do I want? What do I need? What do I feel?
Speaker 1: Let that guide your actions. Number six Start small practice
Speaker 1: with low stake situations. Okay, what does that mean, decline
Speaker 1: and invite, express a preference. Ask for space. That's a
Speaker 1: big one. It's okay to ask for space. I do
Speaker 1: that in my relationship. Sometimes I will tell him I'm like, baby,
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm not in a good mood. I
Speaker 1: just need space, or I need to go to dinner
Speaker 1: with my friends because I need space, and he's allowed
Speaker 1: to do the same. It has to be vice versa. Guys, Okay,
Speaker 1: just fy. You have to be okay. You can't just
Speaker 1: be Oh, I want to do it, but you can't
Speaker 1: do it. That's the old Jena. By the way, I
Speaker 1: have learned. I have learned, I have grown.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: Number seven, surround yourself with safe people. Oh Jesus, yes, okay, please,
Speaker 1: the right people will love the real you, not just
Speaker 1: the version that serves them when you say yes to
Speaker 1: others but no to yourself. And this is something I
Speaker 1: want you guys to remember. Okay, It's something I wrote,
Speaker 1: and it's very profound because again, all of this is
Speaker 1: also for myself and for the people that I love.
Speaker 1: So if my friends are listening to the podcast, thank
Speaker 1: you for listening, first of all, but you know this
Speaker 1: is for all of us. When you say yes to others,
Speaker 1: but no to yourself. You betray your own soul. Healing
Speaker 1: begins when you choose yourself without guilt. And I'm glad
Speaker 1: that we're going to talk about guilt because people pleasing does.
Speaker 1: As you guys heard where it comes from. And I
Speaker 1: was telling you guys all of that stuff. I used
Speaker 1: to feel so guilty because I was taught in church
Speaker 1: that the best kind of love is the selfless love.
Speaker 1: And I was brought up in a Christian, a very
Speaker 1: Christian home, and I was raised by my grandma and
Speaker 1: she's very Christian. And I thought that saying no, or
Speaker 1: setting boundaries or just being selfish, is that that's kind
Speaker 1: of what I was taught, Like, Okay, you're being selfish
Speaker 1: just because I decided to be like no, I don't
Speaker 1: necessarily want to do this. Like I felt very guilty,
Speaker 1: Like I don't know it was something that I was
Speaker 1: programmed with. I think it came from, honestly, from religion.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie. I'm not saying all religions are
Speaker 1: like that, but in my case, in my situation, I
Speaker 1: was thinking about it as I was writing everything and
Speaker 1: preparing for this episode. I'm like, where like did it
Speaker 1: first start, And I think that's where it was, because
Speaker 1: now we talk a lot about self love and self
Speaker 1: care and what that means. And don't get me wrong,
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean you have to be in a hole
Speaker 1: and be mean and be like no, you know, like
Speaker 1: there's no, it's not that. It's just really listening to
Speaker 1: your intuition, listening to that little voice that I call God,
Speaker 1: that little voice inside that we all have. I feel
Speaker 1: like it's God, you know, obviously, Like I like to
Speaker 1: do heart checks, talked about that on the episode. I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 1: how does my heart feel? Where's my heart at? Is
Speaker 1: this a good feeling? Is this a bad feeling?
Speaker 2: Am I? You know what I mean?
Speaker 1: You got to do all those checks with yourself. But
Speaker 1: that guilt was so heavy on me for so long
Speaker 1: that I did not realize until it was not too late,
Speaker 1: but almost too late, where I'm like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: I don't have more to give because I've given it
Speaker 1: all and I didn't keep any for myself and I
Speaker 1: was not surrounding myself with the right people. So I
Speaker 1: was given given giving, and I wasn't getting anything back.
Speaker 2: So I was just.
Speaker 1: Left like a shell and I had to, like, you know,
Speaker 1: do therapy and do a lot all these things and
Speaker 1: relearn certain things in life in order to come back
Speaker 1: and feel whole again. And since I didn't want to
Speaker 1: go through that anymore, I had to just like rewire
Speaker 1: my thinking because I was so programmed since I was young, nine, ten, eleven,
Speaker 1: twelve of how I should be and it all came
Speaker 1: from guilt because I was like, Okay, if I'm selfish,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go to hell, you know, Like that's really
Speaker 1: what I had, Like, I just have to give myself
Speaker 1: over and over, even if I'm hurt, because that's what
Speaker 1: God expects.
Speaker 2: And it's like, wait a second, that's so not the case.
Speaker 1: And I don't know if this is the episode to
Speaker 1: get into the nitty gritty of that, but maybe we
Speaker 1: should do a whole episode on that. But anyway, the
Speaker 1: guilt is real, guys, and you have to learn to
Speaker 1: just set that to the side and understand where you're
Speaker 1: coming from. And if you're not hurting anyone by saying no,
Speaker 1: by setting a healthy boundary for yourself, I think you're fine.
Speaker 1: Like I'm a lot happier now, and again, I'm still
Speaker 1: learning how to set boundaries, and you know, in certain
Speaker 1: relationships in my life and my personal life, and it's
Speaker 1: still like it's a work in progress. So make sure
Speaker 1: that you are gentle and compassionate with yourself. You're gonna
Speaker 1: fall off the badwagon a little bit and then you
Speaker 1: just get back on it. You know, it's like, okay,
Speaker 1: let me get back on track. It happens to all
Speaker 1: of us. It happens to me. But always ask yourself,
Speaker 1: am I doing this with a good intention? Am I
Speaker 1: trying to spite someone? Am I trying to guilt someone?
Speaker 1: Myself with trying to set either a boundary or make
Speaker 1: a point? You know, like, you know, just know and
Speaker 1: ask yourself, is my heart in the right place? And
Speaker 1: you'll know because you'll feel relaxed. And that's when I
Speaker 1: know that I am doing the right thing. If I
Speaker 1: feel peace, if my tummy is relaxed, if my heart
Speaker 1: feels at ease, and I always close my eyes, I'm like, okay, wait,
Speaker 1: is this coming from the right place?
Speaker 2: Okay, good? It is all right?
Speaker 1: Awesome, Then it's okay for me to just say no
Speaker 1: to this situation. And before I let you guys go,
Speaker 1: I do want to give your heart some ease, because
Speaker 1: I know there was a lot that was said on
Speaker 1: this episode saying that I have it all right. I'm
Speaker 1: just telling you from personal experience and how good it
Speaker 1: does feel with putting yourself first. But that doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that in certain situations or with certain people, you can't
Speaker 1: put them first. With your children or your husband, or
Speaker 1: especially if those people are good to you and they
Speaker 1: reciprocate what you give. But even then, if you want
Speaker 1: in your heart to make someone happy and you don't
Speaker 1: care if they give you anything back, I think that's beautiful.
Speaker 1: More power to you. I'm just talking about unhealthy situations,
Speaker 1: and only you will know what that means, because we
Speaker 1: know how it makes our body feel, and it makes
Speaker 1: us sad, and it makes us cry, and it makes
Speaker 1: us not stand straight and happy. There are certain situations
Speaker 1: and people that make us feel that way. So I'm
Speaker 1: just letting you just figure it out and make space
Speaker 1: for it. But again, there is nothing wrong with it
Speaker 1: at all. If you want to be that person that's
Speaker 1: just amazing and wants to give, give, give, I don't
Speaker 1: think there's anything wrong with that, actually, not at all,
Speaker 1: you know, and if that makes you happy, then more
Speaker 1: power to you.
Speaker 2: One hundred percent.
Speaker 1: So I just wanted to put that out there because
Speaker 1: I'm not saying, Okay, you know, go out in the
Speaker 1: world and just be a meani. I'm not saying that
Speaker 1: because I know I don't like being a meani. You know.
Speaker 1: I like to spread love and radiate love and everything
Speaker 1: that I do. But also, again, I don't want to
Speaker 1: get all into it again, but there are times where
Speaker 1: you just got hold on. You're not being nice and
Speaker 1: I'm not going to allow you to be disrespectful and
Speaker 1: mean to me. You're hurting my feelings and I don't
Speaker 1: like it, and that's it. So anyway, I hope that
Speaker 1: made sense. I really thought it was extremely important to
Speaker 1: talk about this because I do feel that it's something
Speaker 1: we all struggle with, and it feels good when you
Speaker 1: free yourself from this little by little. It's not going
Speaker 1: to happen from one day to another. And I don't
Speaker 1: recommend you guys doing it cold turkey, like you have
Speaker 1: to ease your way into it and ween off of
Speaker 1: being a people pleaser, because then you're gonna come off
Speaker 1: as a royal bee, you know, And it's like, okay,
Speaker 1: I'm not trying to cause more friction, you know, issues
Speaker 1: or tension in my life. I just want to free
Speaker 1: myself from this that is not causing me to feel
Speaker 1: good people pleasing And now that you guys know where
Speaker 1: it comes from and where it stems from and how
Speaker 1: it started and what it looks like, then maybe it
Speaker 1: will help you. So with that being said, I am
Speaker 1: happy that you can come on cheese and chill and
Speaker 1: we can talk about all the things and hopefully I'm
Speaker 1: able to help you because speaking to you also helps me.
Speaker 1: And now I have all of these episodes recorded so
Speaker 1: that whenever I want to go back and listen to something,
Speaker 1: it's a nice reminder for myself as well. So also,
Speaker 1: if you know someone that's a people pleaser or struggles
Speaker 1: with some of the things that I mentioned, send them
Speaker 1: this episode, Share this episode because I think it's a
Speaker 1: good one for all of us. Everyone doesn't matter, the age,
Speaker 1: doesn't matter the gender. This is something I think that
Speaker 1: is a worldwide problem. Anyway, guys, I have said enough.
Speaker 1: I love you guys, I appreciate you very much. And yeah,
Speaker 1: I think that's it. That concludes this episode. Thank you
Speaker 1: for coming back each week and listening to this podcast
Speaker 1: and listen to Dear Cheeky's. We had some very cool
Speaker 1: questions this week, so make sure that you listen on Wednesday. Okay,
Speaker 1: I love you, have a beautiful day. This is a
Speaker 1: production of iHeartRadio and the Microldura podcast Network. Follow us
Speaker 1: on Instagram at Michael Doura Podcasts and follow me Cheeky's
Speaker 1: That's c h i q u i s. For more
Speaker 1: podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or
Speaker 1: wherever you listen to your favorite podcast.