1
00:00:03,200 --> 00:00:08,440
Speaker 1: O, how's everyone. I hope today has been awesome for you, guys,

2
00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:10,920
Speaker 1: and if not, I hope today's episode of Cheeks and

3
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:14,800
Speaker 1: Chill makes you feel really great and empowered. So today

4
00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:17,880
Speaker 1: we're talking about a topic I've mentioned a lot throughout

5
00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:22,960
Speaker 1: the season, people pleasing. You guys know that I've struggled

6
00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:25,759
Speaker 1: with being a people pleaser in the past, but I'm

7
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:28,400
Speaker 1: in a much better place now, but I still struggle

8
00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:30,720
Speaker 1: here and there with it. So I wanted to share

9
00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:33,880
Speaker 1: my experiences and share how I stop putting the needs

10
00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:38,080
Speaker 1: of others above my own in certain situations. So let's

11
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:43,640
Speaker 1: hop into this episode. First of all, what exactly is

12
00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:47,120
Speaker 1: a people pleaser? According to the Dictionary, it's a person

13
00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:50,959
Speaker 1: who has an emotional need to please others, often at

14
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:54,800
Speaker 1: the expense of his or her own needs or desires.

15
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:59,080
Speaker 1: And that's exactly what I used to do, guys, And

16
00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:01,920
Speaker 1: you know, I I think, and I was writing down

17
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,320
Speaker 1: and I did a little bit of research because I

18
00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:04,600
Speaker 1: wanted to make sure I was giving you guys the

19
00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:08,400
Speaker 1: right information. As you know, you come on Cheeky's and

20
00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:11,160
Speaker 1: Chill podcasts to hear the truth, and I'm always gonna

21
00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:13,280
Speaker 1: be honest with you. And that means I'm going to

22
00:01:13,319 --> 00:01:15,240
Speaker 1: share my personal experiences with you guys.

23
00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:16,880
Speaker 2: So AnyWho, let's.

24
00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:21,720
Speaker 1: Talk a little bit about traits or signs of people pleasing. Okay,

25
00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:25,400
Speaker 1: saying yes when you really mean no. You've talked about

26
00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:29,560
Speaker 1: that a lot here, Apologizing for things that aren't your fault. Ooh,

27
00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:31,880
Speaker 1: I just did that. That's all long ago with my

28
00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:38,080
Speaker 1: siblings actually, huh. Okay, Avoiding conflict at all costs hm hm,

29
00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:42,360
Speaker 1: that confrontation thing. Guys like I sometimes have a little

30
00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:46,679
Speaker 1: bit of a problem with confrontation. But it doesn't have

31
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:49,440
Speaker 1: to be conflict. It could just be like, hey, I

32
00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:53,240
Speaker 1: don't like this anyway, changing your personality depending on who

33
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:58,920
Speaker 1: you're around, constantly seeking approval or validation, feeling responsible for

34
00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:05,360
Speaker 1: other people's emotions hmm, being afraid to disappoint others, even strangers,

35
00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:09,600
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, Feeling guilt or anxiety when you put

36
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:10,440
Speaker 1: yourself first.

37
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,600
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh. You guys, I'm sure.

38
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:15,760
Speaker 1: I mean, unless you're just like a very selfish person

39
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:18,520
Speaker 1: and don't care about anyone in the world, I'm pretty

40
00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:21,600
Speaker 1: sure we have all dealt with people pleasing in some

41
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:24,800
Speaker 1: areas of our life at some point, and as we

42
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:27,880
Speaker 1: get older, we realize this isn't healthy. And one thing

43
00:02:27,919 --> 00:02:30,480
Speaker 1: that I feel I've gotten a lot better on or

44
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:34,840
Speaker 1: with should I say, is saying no. I have learned

45
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:38,200
Speaker 1: the power in that little it's a bitsy word where

46
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,679
Speaker 1: I'm like, you know what, I don't have to be

47
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,640
Speaker 1: mean about it. Like there were times, guys where I

48
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:45,399
Speaker 1: would go to events or to places that I did

49
00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:46,840
Speaker 1: not want to go to because I didn't want to

50
00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:51,359
Speaker 1: disappoint the person that invited me, or I felt pressured

51
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:54,400
Speaker 1: because it was the thing to do and it was

52
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:56,400
Speaker 1: the place to be, and I would go and I'd

53
00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:59,240
Speaker 1: be so freaking miserable that I just have to just

54
00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:01,880
Speaker 1: drink my life so that I can get through the event.

55
00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:04,560
Speaker 1: And now I don't do that. Like I check in

56
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:06,239
Speaker 1: with myself and I'm like, Okay, do you want to

57
00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:06,480
Speaker 1: do this?

58
00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:08,119
Speaker 2: Are you doing this for the right reasons?

59
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:12,160
Speaker 1: Or are you doing this because this is what you

60
00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:13,600
Speaker 1: should be doing?

61
00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:15,720
Speaker 2: And I do that.

62
00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:18,040
Speaker 1: I check with my heart and if I don't feel

63
00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:20,440
Speaker 1: like going, and if it doesn't give me peace, I'm like,

64
00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,359
Speaker 1: you know what, no, thank you, or I'm so sorry.

65
00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:24,280
Speaker 1: I don't even have to lie about why I'm not

66
00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:26,920
Speaker 1: going or i'm feeling sick or I used to do that,

67
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,400
Speaker 1: and then I would mess with my integrity because I

68
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,840
Speaker 1: was lying about something where I'm like, it's okay to say,

69
00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:33,800
Speaker 1: you know what, just not feeling it today, thank you

70
00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:35,680
Speaker 1: for the invite, but I won't be able to make

71
00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:38,320
Speaker 1: it as simple as that. You don't even have to

72
00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:41,280
Speaker 1: explain yourself, and I would over explain and then lie,

73
00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:46,040
Speaker 1: and it just no, I'm only hurting myself anyway, So

74
00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:49,080
Speaker 1: apologizing for things that aren't your fault. I mentioned my

75
00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:51,800
Speaker 1: siblings a little bit about that because that just happened,

76
00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:57,200
Speaker 1: and I kind of like caved in with my siblings

77
00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:59,520
Speaker 1: about a situation that we were going through a rough patch.

78
00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:03,640
Speaker 1: But I don't necessarily regret it. It made me feel

79
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:05,480
Speaker 1: good because I'm like, you know what, I've always been

80
00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:09,000
Speaker 1: taught to lead by example, and I want to lead

81
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:14,880
Speaker 1: with love and even if I don't necessarily get what

82
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,680
Speaker 1: I need, because I can't really tell you that I

83
00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:22,120
Speaker 1: did except for one actually no two of them apologized

84
00:04:22,279 --> 00:04:25,359
Speaker 1: about what they did as well, But anyway, that was me,

85
00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:29,320
Speaker 1: I think, in a way, pleasing them while I was

86
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:32,360
Speaker 1: pleasing myself because I'm like, okay, I don't see a

87
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:33,520
Speaker 1: life without my siblings.

88
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:34,040
Speaker 2: I love them.

89
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:35,520
Speaker 1: I want them a part of my life, even if

90
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:36,760
Speaker 1: things are going to be a little different.

91
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:37,479
Speaker 2: But I did.

92
00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:41,000
Speaker 1: I felt like I probably jumped the gun because I

93
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,119
Speaker 1: just wanted it to go away. And I'm like, let's

94
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:47,479
Speaker 1: just let's just make this better. And I didn't stand

95
00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:47,919
Speaker 1: the line.

96
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:49,480
Speaker 2: But it's okay.

97
00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:55,080
Speaker 1: That's just a very minor and small example. But anyway, Okay,

98
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:59,080
Speaker 1: so let's talk a little bit about where people pleasing

99
00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:03,520
Speaker 1: comes from. Okay, listen to this, because when I read this,

100
00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:06,200
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my gosh, this resonates with me.

101
00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:06,599
Speaker 2: Okay.

102
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:12,960
Speaker 1: Childhood conditioning being praised only when you were good, quiet, helpful,

103
00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:18,760
Speaker 1: and agreeable. Ooh girl, oh does that speak to me? Okay,

104
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:24,400
Speaker 1: moving on trauma, wanting to avoid rejection or conflict at

105
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:33,400
Speaker 1: all cost. Family expectations, okay, or cultural expectations, especially in

106
00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:39,000
Speaker 1: LATINX or religious households, where being selfless, obedient and nice

107
00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:41,320
Speaker 1: is valued above authenticity.

108
00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:42,320
Speaker 2: Did you guys hear that?

109
00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:46,480
Speaker 1: Let me say this one more time, okay, where being selfless,

110
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:52,839
Speaker 1: obedient and nice is valued above authenticity, y'all. Oh my gosh,

111
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,200
Speaker 1: fear of abandonment. That was me for a very long

112
00:05:56,240 --> 00:06:00,480
Speaker 1: time believing love must be earned, not freely given. Oh

113
00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:04,359
Speaker 1: my gosh, guys, Ugh, I'm pretty sure you guys listening

114
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:09,600
Speaker 1: can relate in some way. Why is people pleasing unhealthy?

115
00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:10,360
Speaker 2: You, guys?

116
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:15,000
Speaker 1: It leads to resentment and burnout, You lose your sense

117
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:20,800
Speaker 1: of self, you can be easily manipulated, creates inauthentic relationships.

118
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:25,880
Speaker 1: That's a huge one. It creates inauthentic relationships. It delays

119
00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:30,000
Speaker 1: your growth and healing, teaches others to disrespect your boundaries.

120
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:33,039
Speaker 1: But you know, talking about my siblings because it is fair,

121
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:36,080
Speaker 1: and I want to be fair about this. One of

122
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:38,400
Speaker 1: the things that caused this whole rough patch with my

123
00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:47,120
Speaker 1: siblings and I was I accidentally subconsciously crossed one of

124
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:50,640
Speaker 1: Jenica's boundaries. My sister Jenica and her and I are

125
00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:55,200
Speaker 1: very close, and I feel like she felt No, I

126
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:57,400
Speaker 1: don't feel she told me that I crossed the boundary,

127
00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:59,640
Speaker 1: and then it just seemed like I didn't care. And

128
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:02,560
Speaker 1: this is where my big sister Hat came in and

129
00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:05,960
Speaker 1: was like, wait, Okay, well yeah, I'm not I can't

130
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,400
Speaker 1: talk about this, but it's important that I talk about

131
00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:10,280
Speaker 1: this certain situation. And again, I don't want to get

132
00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:12,240
Speaker 1: into details because I don't think it's necessary right now.

133
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:15,760
Speaker 1: But I guess I did cross a boundary. It wasn't

134
00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:20,240
Speaker 1: my intention. I was just being that sister slash mother

135
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,560
Speaker 1: where I'm like, you know what, I need to tell

136
00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:26,080
Speaker 1: you that I don't agree with this, even if it

137
00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:28,360
Speaker 1: is kind of crossing a boundary, but I still cross

138
00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:31,280
Speaker 1: the boundary. I'm still learning, you guys, I'm still learning.

139
00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:33,800
Speaker 1: I'm still human. I'm still trying to figure the shit out,

140
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:36,640
Speaker 1: you know. So AnyWho, I hope that you guys listen

141
00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:38,720
Speaker 1: to all of that because I think it is important

142
00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:41,440
Speaker 1: to understand all of this, where it comes from, why

143
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:42,120
Speaker 1: we do it, etc.

144
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:42,520
Speaker 2: Etc.

145
00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:47,920
Speaker 1: And also as we get older, it feels more uncomfortable.

146
00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:49,200
Speaker 2: It really does.

147
00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:53,480
Speaker 1: Like for me, I'm like, no, I don't want to

148
00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:55,760
Speaker 1: be a people pleaser. I want to be my authentic

149
00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:59,480
Speaker 1: self one hundred percent, even if that means people aren't going.

150
00:07:59,320 --> 00:07:59,760
Speaker 2: To like me.

151
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:03,600
Speaker 1: I am okay with not being liked by a lot

152
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:06,640
Speaker 1: of people. There are certain people that I want to please,

153
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:11,280
Speaker 1: like my husband. But even then, with him, I have

154
00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:16,800
Speaker 1: learned to be very hmm, what's the word, not vocal,

155
00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:23,400
Speaker 1: not necessarily assertive, But I have learned that it is

156
00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:26,920
Speaker 1: okay for me to be my individual self and want

157
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:30,960
Speaker 1: different things than he wants, and it is also okay,

158
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:34,520
Speaker 1: and I need to be okay with him wanting different

159
00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:41,040
Speaker 1: things because if I could be honest before, I was

160
00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:43,120
Speaker 1: like okay and not with him. I mean in my

161
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:46,199
Speaker 1: past relationships, and this is where I messed up, where

162
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:48,000
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, I could do what I want. This

163
00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:52,400
Speaker 1: is how I feel. But then you can't necessarily have

164
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:55,080
Speaker 1: your own thoughts. I mean, just as a little small example,

165
00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:58,600
Speaker 1: but if I want my relationship to work, I not

166
00:08:58,679 --> 00:09:01,240
Speaker 1: only have to stand as my author self and being

167
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:08,960
Speaker 1: my individual person. But that's how our relationship is. Two individual,

168
00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:13,120
Speaker 1: authentic people that are in their own process, in their

169
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:17,920
Speaker 1: own healing process, trying to be their best selves come together,

170
00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:23,280
Speaker 1: respecting each other's individuality and coming together and making each

171
00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:26,760
Speaker 1: other happy. But we have to make ourselves happy. I

172
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,840
Speaker 1: know that was a mouthful, but I hope it made sense.

173
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:33,240
Speaker 1: My point being that I have learned to speak with

174
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:36,240
Speaker 1: love and say, hey, babe, I don't necessarily want to

175
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:36,400
Speaker 1: do that.

176
00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:38,120
Speaker 2: I don't agree with that. If you want to do it,

177
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:38,680
Speaker 2: go ahead.

178
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,640
Speaker 1: It's just not my jibe and that's okay, and if

179
00:09:41,679 --> 00:09:43,880
Speaker 1: you feel the same way, it is okay.

180
00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:45,160
Speaker 2: Before I would.

181
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:48,840
Speaker 1: Over extend myself in relationships with not just a significant other,

182
00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:52,080
Speaker 1: but friendships, family, etc.

183
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:52,480
Speaker 2: Etc.

184
00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:55,080
Speaker 1: And I would feel depleted. I would feel like I

185
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:57,800
Speaker 1: was giving so much and not getting in return what

186
00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:00,840
Speaker 1: my heart needed because I did get people used to

187
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:04,960
Speaker 1: just overextending myself, and that's part of people pleasing because

188
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,800
Speaker 1: you don't want to lose that person. That's part of,

189
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:09,480
Speaker 1: you know, the abandoned issues that I had, Like I'm like, Okay,

190
00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:12,160
Speaker 1: I'm gonna accept this person even though they're treating me

191
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:13,920
Speaker 1: like crap. And I know I don't deserve this, but

192
00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:17,760
Speaker 1: I don't want them to leave me. And oh my gosh,

193
00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:20,640
Speaker 1: as I'm speaking you guys, I'm realizing some things and

194
00:10:20,679 --> 00:10:23,360
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my gosh, I again, like I said,

195
00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:25,640
Speaker 1: I still struggle with this stuff, you guys, Like it's

196
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:27,679
Speaker 1: still something that I need to remind myself, which is

197
00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:29,719
Speaker 1: why I thought it was very important that I did

198
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:33,040
Speaker 1: this episode because it's it's hashtag note to myself as well,

199
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:35,600
Speaker 1: because as I'm speaking and I'm telling you guys, I'm like,

200
00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:37,680
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I literally just did this not so

201
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:40,160
Speaker 1: long ago, because I don't want to lose certain people

202
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:42,680
Speaker 1: and I don't want to lose their love and I

203
00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:44,000
Speaker 1: want them in my life.

204
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:49,400
Speaker 2: That you kind of not accept. It's not the word.

205
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:57,600
Speaker 1: You overlook, I guess, or you excuse people's behavior and

206
00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:01,360
Speaker 1: then they don't learn because you keep doing things the

207
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:06,840
Speaker 1: same and you keep just again over extending yourself and

208
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:12,160
Speaker 1: then you feel depleted and then you can't function at

209
00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:15,440
Speaker 1: your best and show up as your best version. And

210
00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:17,800
Speaker 1: I'm having an epiphany right now as I'm speaking to

211
00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:20,600
Speaker 1: you guys. But anyway, it's not about me right now.

212
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:23,680
Speaker 1: It is about people pleasing and how we are all

213
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:27,280
Speaker 1: as a community of cheeky's and chill We're going to

214
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:31,760
Speaker 1: try our best to change this together and remind ourselves

215
00:11:32,679 --> 00:11:35,840
Speaker 1: when we're doing it and not to do it because

216
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:42,560
Speaker 1: it causes a world of problems.

217
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:46,360
Speaker 2: How to stop people pleasing?

218
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:50,560
Speaker 1: Okay, and reclaim your power. We are going to reclaim

219
00:11:50,679 --> 00:11:52,000
Speaker 1: our power. Okay, say it.

220
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:54,160
Speaker 2: With me wherever you're at, if you're at work.

221
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,280
Speaker 1: Say it low, okay, but say it with me okay,

222
00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:59,520
Speaker 1: if you're wherever you are. We are going to reclaim

223
00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:04,839
Speaker 1: our power because we deserve it. Okay, pause before saying yes.

224
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:08,600
Speaker 1: Ask yourself, do I want to do this? Or am

225
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:12,040
Speaker 1: I afraid of how they'll feel if I say no?

226
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,079
Speaker 1: That's Number one. Talked about that one. I feel like

227
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:15,240
Speaker 1: I got that one down.

228
00:12:15,559 --> 00:12:16,040
Speaker 2: Number two.

229
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:21,400
Speaker 1: Get comfortable with discomfort, y'all. Ooh, right now, I wrote

230
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:22,960
Speaker 1: all this and I can't even believe it. Okay, because

231
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:25,440
Speaker 1: it's coming back to me as I'm reading it to you. Okay,

232
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:30,439
Speaker 1: it's okay. If people are disappointed, discomfort isn't danger. Okay,

233
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:35,560
Speaker 1: it's okay, guys. If people are disappointed, discomfort isn't danger.

234
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:39,840
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, janay hashtag note to myself times three okay.

235
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:44,800
Speaker 1: Number three. Affirm your worth. I am enough even when

236
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:50,480
Speaker 1: I say no. I am worthy without overextending myself. Number

237
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:54,840
Speaker 1: four set boundaries lovingly, saying I can't write now, but

238
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:58,800
Speaker 1: I care about you. It's still love. Boundaries are bridges,

239
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:02,640
Speaker 1: not walls. Ooh girl, did you hear that? I surprise

240
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:03,320
Speaker 1: myself sometimes?

241
00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:03,640
Speaker 2: Okay.

242
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:08,480
Speaker 1: Number five. Reconnect with your needs. Ask yourself daily, what

243
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:11,800
Speaker 1: do I want? What do I need? What do I feel?

244
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:17,520
Speaker 1: Let that guide your actions. Number six Start small practice

245
00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:21,840
Speaker 1: with low stake situations. Okay, what does that mean, decline

246
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:27,000
Speaker 1: and invite, express a preference. Ask for space. That's a

247
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,760
Speaker 1: big one. It's okay to ask for space. I do

248
00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:32,120
Speaker 1: that in my relationship. Sometimes I will tell him I'm like, baby,

249
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:33,720
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm not in a good mood. I

250
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:36,000
Speaker 1: just need space, or I need to go to dinner

251
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,679
Speaker 1: with my friends because I need space, and he's allowed

252
00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:40,760
Speaker 1: to do the same. It has to be vice versa. Guys, Okay,

253
00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:42,760
Speaker 1: just fy. You have to be okay. You can't just

254
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:44,720
Speaker 1: be Oh, I want to do it, but you can't

255
00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:47,000
Speaker 1: do it. That's the old Jena. By the way, I

256
00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:49,640
Speaker 1: have learned. I have learned, I have grown.

257
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:50,840
Speaker 2: Okay.

258
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:56,880
Speaker 1: Number seven, surround yourself with safe people. Oh Jesus, yes, okay, please,

259
00:13:57,480 --> 00:14:00,520
Speaker 1: the right people will love the real you, not just

260
00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:07,120
Speaker 1: the version that serves them when you say yes to

261
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:09,320
Speaker 1: others but no to yourself. And this is something I

262
00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:11,880
Speaker 1: want you guys to remember. Okay, It's something I wrote,

263
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:15,200
Speaker 1: and it's very profound because again, all of this is

264
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:17,280
Speaker 1: also for myself and for the people that I love.

265
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,680
Speaker 1: So if my friends are listening to the podcast, thank

266
00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:21,560
Speaker 1: you for listening, first of all, but you know this

267
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:24,680
Speaker 1: is for all of us. When you say yes to others,

268
00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:28,200
Speaker 1: but no to yourself. You betray your own soul. Healing

269
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:32,920
Speaker 1: begins when you choose yourself without guilt. And I'm glad

270
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:36,680
Speaker 1: that we're going to talk about guilt because people pleasing does.

271
00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:39,880
Speaker 1: As you guys heard where it comes from. And I

272
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,760
Speaker 1: was telling you guys all of that stuff. I used

273
00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:46,920
Speaker 1: to feel so guilty because I was taught in church

274
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:50,760
Speaker 1: that the best kind of love is the selfless love.

275
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,600
Speaker 1: And I was brought up in a Christian, a very

276
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:56,160
Speaker 1: Christian home, and I was raised by my grandma and

277
00:14:56,200 --> 00:15:01,480
Speaker 1: she's very Christian. And I thought that saying no, or

278
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:05,880
Speaker 1: setting boundaries or just being selfish, is that that's kind

279
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:09,080
Speaker 1: of what I was taught, Like, Okay, you're being selfish

280
00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:13,080
Speaker 1: just because I decided to be like no, I don't

281
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:15,320
Speaker 1: necessarily want to do this. Like I felt very guilty,

282
00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:16,760
Speaker 1: Like I don't know it was something that I was

283
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:21,040
Speaker 1: programmed with. I think it came from, honestly, from religion.

284
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,040
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie. I'm not saying all religions are

285
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:26,000
Speaker 1: like that, but in my case, in my situation, I

286
00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:29,480
Speaker 1: was thinking about it as I was writing everything and

287
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:32,920
Speaker 1: preparing for this episode. I'm like, where like did it

288
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:35,520
Speaker 1: first start, And I think that's where it was, because

289
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,520
Speaker 1: now we talk a lot about self love and self

290
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:41,400
Speaker 1: care and what that means. And don't get me wrong,

291
00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:43,520
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean you have to be in a hole

292
00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:45,720
Speaker 1: and be mean and be like no, you know, like

293
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:49,160
Speaker 1: there's no, it's not that. It's just really listening to

294
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:52,800
Speaker 1: your intuition, listening to that little voice that I call God,

295
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:56,240
Speaker 1: that little voice inside that we all have. I feel

296
00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:59,240
Speaker 1: like it's God, you know, obviously, Like I like to

297
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,840
Speaker 1: do heart checks, talked about that on the episode. I'm like, Okay,

298
00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:03,920
Speaker 1: how does my heart feel? Where's my heart at? Is

299
00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:05,680
Speaker 1: this a good feeling? Is this a bad feeling?

300
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:06,840
Speaker 2: Am I? You know what I mean?

301
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:08,680
Speaker 1: You got to do all those checks with yourself. But

302
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,480
Speaker 1: that guilt was so heavy on me for so long

303
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:16,480
Speaker 1: that I did not realize until it was not too late,

304
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,800
Speaker 1: but almost too late, where I'm like, oh my gosh,

305
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,920
Speaker 1: I don't have more to give because I've given it

306
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:25,120
Speaker 1: all and I didn't keep any for myself and I

307
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:27,320
Speaker 1: was not surrounding myself with the right people. So I

308
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:29,800
Speaker 1: was given given giving, and I wasn't getting anything back.

309
00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:30,800
Speaker 2: So I was just.

310
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:36,920
Speaker 1: Left like a shell and I had to, like, you know,

311
00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:39,320
Speaker 1: do therapy and do a lot all these things and

312
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:42,720
Speaker 1: relearn certain things in life in order to come back

313
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:45,280
Speaker 1: and feel whole again. And since I didn't want to

314
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,440
Speaker 1: go through that anymore, I had to just like rewire

315
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:54,080
Speaker 1: my thinking because I was so programmed since I was young, nine, ten, eleven,

316
00:16:54,160 --> 00:17:00,160
Speaker 1: twelve of how I should be and it all came

317
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,400
Speaker 1: from guilt because I was like, Okay, if I'm selfish,

318
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:04,440
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go to hell, you know, Like that's really

319
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:06,600
Speaker 1: what I had, Like, I just have to give myself

320
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:08,760
Speaker 1: over and over, even if I'm hurt, because that's what

321
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:10,320
Speaker 1: God expects.

322
00:17:11,119 --> 00:17:14,760
Speaker 2: And it's like, wait a second, that's so not the case.

323
00:17:15,359 --> 00:17:17,520
Speaker 1: And I don't know if this is the episode to

324
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:20,240
Speaker 1: get into the nitty gritty of that, but maybe we

325
00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:23,800
Speaker 1: should do a whole episode on that. But anyway, the

326
00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:26,600
Speaker 1: guilt is real, guys, and you have to learn to

327
00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:30,840
Speaker 1: just set that to the side and understand where you're

328
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:34,520
Speaker 1: coming from. And if you're not hurting anyone by saying no,

329
00:17:35,359 --> 00:17:39,679
Speaker 1: by setting a healthy boundary for yourself, I think you're fine.

330
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:44,960
Speaker 1: Like I'm a lot happier now, and again, I'm still

331
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:49,000
Speaker 1: learning how to set boundaries, and you know, in certain

332
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:51,640
Speaker 1: relationships in my life and my personal life, and it's

333
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,840
Speaker 1: still like it's a work in progress. So make sure

334
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:58,040
Speaker 1: that you are gentle and compassionate with yourself. You're gonna

335
00:17:58,040 --> 00:17:59,679
Speaker 1: fall off the badwagon a little bit and then you

336
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:01,480
Speaker 1: just get back on it. You know, it's like, okay,

337
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:04,199
Speaker 1: let me get back on track. It happens to all

338
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:07,480
Speaker 1: of us. It happens to me. But always ask yourself,

339
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,840
Speaker 1: am I doing this with a good intention? Am I

340
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:14,680
Speaker 1: trying to spite someone? Am I trying to guilt someone?

341
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:18,400
Speaker 1: Myself with trying to set either a boundary or make

342
00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:21,600
Speaker 1: a point? You know, like, you know, just know and

343
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:24,440
Speaker 1: ask yourself, is my heart in the right place? And

344
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:28,680
Speaker 1: you'll know because you'll feel relaxed. And that's when I

345
00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:31,560
Speaker 1: know that I am doing the right thing. If I

346
00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:35,200
Speaker 1: feel peace, if my tummy is relaxed, if my heart

347
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:38,000
Speaker 1: feels at ease, and I always close my eyes, I'm like, okay, wait,

348
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:40,919
Speaker 1: is this coming from the right place?

349
00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:42,600
Speaker 2: Okay, good? It is all right?

350
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:45,080
Speaker 1: Awesome, Then it's okay for me to just say no

351
00:18:45,359 --> 00:18:53,000
Speaker 1: to this situation. And before I let you guys go,

352
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:56,400
Speaker 1: I do want to give your heart some ease, because

353
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,359
Speaker 1: I know there was a lot that was said on

354
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:02,040
Speaker 1: this episode saying that I have it all right. I'm

355
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:04,840
Speaker 1: just telling you from personal experience and how good it

356
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:08,920
Speaker 1: does feel with putting yourself first. But that doesn't mean

357
00:19:09,359 --> 00:19:12,760
Speaker 1: that in certain situations or with certain people, you can't

358
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,919
Speaker 1: put them first. With your children or your husband, or

359
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:19,360
Speaker 1: especially if those people are good to you and they

360
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:23,480
Speaker 1: reciprocate what you give. But even then, if you want

361
00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:25,520
Speaker 1: in your heart to make someone happy and you don't

362
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,520
Speaker 1: care if they give you anything back, I think that's beautiful.

363
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:33,680
Speaker 1: More power to you. I'm just talking about unhealthy situations,

364
00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:38,560
Speaker 1: and only you will know what that means, because we

365
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,520
Speaker 1: know how it makes our body feel, and it makes

366
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:42,520
Speaker 1: us sad, and it makes us cry, and it makes

367
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:46,520
Speaker 1: us not stand straight and happy. There are certain situations

368
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,440
Speaker 1: and people that make us feel that way. So I'm

369
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:51,399
Speaker 1: just letting you just figure it out and make space

370
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,800
Speaker 1: for it. But again, there is nothing wrong with it

371
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:58,320
Speaker 1: at all. If you want to be that person that's

372
00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:02,160
Speaker 1: just amazing and wants to give, give, give, I don't

373
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,920
Speaker 1: think there's anything wrong with that, actually, not at all,

374
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:08,640
Speaker 1: you know, and if that makes you happy, then more

375
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:09,239
Speaker 1: power to you.

376
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:10,280
Speaker 2: One hundred percent.

377
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:12,120
Speaker 1: So I just wanted to put that out there because

378
00:20:12,119 --> 00:20:13,840
Speaker 1: I'm not saying, Okay, you know, go out in the

379
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:16,439
Speaker 1: world and just be a meani. I'm not saying that

380
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:19,439
Speaker 1: because I know I don't like being a meani. You know.

381
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:22,320
Speaker 1: I like to spread love and radiate love and everything

382
00:20:22,359 --> 00:20:26,080
Speaker 1: that I do. But also, again, I don't want to

383
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,480
Speaker 1: get all into it again, but there are times where

384
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,439
Speaker 1: you just got hold on. You're not being nice and

385
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,879
Speaker 1: I'm not going to allow you to be disrespectful and

386
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,920
Speaker 1: mean to me. You're hurting my feelings and I don't

387
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,639
Speaker 1: like it, and that's it. So anyway, I hope that

388
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:41,520
Speaker 1: made sense. I really thought it was extremely important to

389
00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:44,280
Speaker 1: talk about this because I do feel that it's something

390
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:48,800
Speaker 1: we all struggle with, and it feels good when you

391
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:52,080
Speaker 1: free yourself from this little by little. It's not going

392
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:54,520
Speaker 1: to happen from one day to another. And I don't

393
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:57,520
Speaker 1: recommend you guys doing it cold turkey, like you have

394
00:20:57,560 --> 00:20:59,920
Speaker 1: to ease your way into it and ween off of

395
00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:03,159
Speaker 1: being a people pleaser, because then you're gonna come off

396
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,720
Speaker 1: as a royal bee, you know, And it's like, okay,

397
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:09,120
Speaker 1: I'm not trying to cause more friction, you know, issues

398
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:11,480
Speaker 1: or tension in my life. I just want to free

399
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,400
Speaker 1: myself from this that is not causing me to feel

400
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:17,280
Speaker 1: good people pleasing And now that you guys know where

401
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:19,800
Speaker 1: it comes from and where it stems from and how

402
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:22,879
Speaker 1: it started and what it looks like, then maybe it

403
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:27,200
Speaker 1: will help you. So with that being said, I am

404
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:30,679
Speaker 1: happy that you can come on cheese and chill and

405
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:34,720
Speaker 1: we can talk about all the things and hopefully I'm

406
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:37,080
Speaker 1: able to help you because speaking to you also helps me.

407
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:40,680
Speaker 1: And now I have all of these episodes recorded so

408
00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:43,440
Speaker 1: that whenever I want to go back and listen to something,

409
00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:46,480
Speaker 1: it's a nice reminder for myself as well. So also,

410
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:49,040
Speaker 1: if you know someone that's a people pleaser or struggles

411
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:50,920
Speaker 1: with some of the things that I mentioned, send them

412
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:53,399
Speaker 1: this episode, Share this episode because I think it's a

413
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:57,280
Speaker 1: good one for all of us. Everyone doesn't matter, the age,

414
00:21:57,359 --> 00:22:00,199
Speaker 1: doesn't matter the gender. This is something I think that

415
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:05,280
Speaker 1: is a worldwide problem. Anyway, guys, I have said enough.

416
00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:10,120
Speaker 1: I love you guys, I appreciate you very much. And yeah,

417
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:13,679
Speaker 1: I think that's it. That concludes this episode. Thank you

418
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:17,760
Speaker 1: for coming back each week and listening to this podcast

419
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:21,320
Speaker 1: and listen to Dear Cheeky's. We had some very cool

420
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:25,600
Speaker 1: questions this week, so make sure that you listen on Wednesday. Okay,

421
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:31,159
Speaker 1: I love you, have a beautiful day. This is a

422
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:35,879
Speaker 1: production of iHeartRadio and the Microldura podcast Network. Follow us

423
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:39,080
Speaker 1: on Instagram at Michael Doura Podcasts and follow me Cheeky's

424
00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:41,920
Speaker 1: That's c h i q u i s. For more

425
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:46,159
Speaker 1: podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or

426
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,320
Speaker 1: wherever you listen to your favorite podcast.