1 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:13,039 Speaker 1: Hi, guys, and welcome back to a new episode of 2 00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:16,960 Speaker 1: You Need Therapy Podcasts. My name is Cat, and thank 3 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:19,400 Speaker 1: you for joining me today. If you're new, I'm a 4 00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:22,800 Speaker 1: therapist and I started this podcast a couple of years ago. 5 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:24,440 Speaker 1: A couple of years ago, I don't even think it's 6 00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:27,560 Speaker 1: been two years. I started the podcast some time ago 7 00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:30,720 Speaker 1: to help create some conversations out in the world that 8 00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:33,440 Speaker 1: I think need to be had more often. And so 9 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:35,720 Speaker 1: before we even get into anything, I want to remind 10 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:38,199 Speaker 1: you guys that that's what this podcast is. It's not 11 00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:41,320 Speaker 1: a replacement for therapy, and it is not therapy, but 12 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:44,240 Speaker 1: it is a great place to start your journey towards 13 00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:47,760 Speaker 1: going to therapy. Right I can't count how many emails 14 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:50,440 Speaker 1: and messages I've gotten from you guys saying the podcast 15 00:00:50,479 --> 00:00:53,080 Speaker 1: has helped encourage you to go to therapy and seek help. 16 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,959 Speaker 1: That is the point, and I'm so grateful every time 17 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,400 Speaker 1: I hear somebody say that. So if I ever don't 18 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:01,680 Speaker 1: respond to a message, it's probably accidental or it's because 19 00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:03,680 Speaker 1: I don't see it. But I want to say I 20 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:06,759 Speaker 1: appreciate all of that. That means so much to me. So, 21 00:01:07,319 --> 00:01:10,560 Speaker 1: speaking of messages, don't forget. We can be friends. Follow 22 00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:13,320 Speaker 1: me on Instagram at cat dot de fata and if 23 00:01:13,319 --> 00:01:15,840 Speaker 1: you want to follow the podcast, it's at You Need 24 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:20,600 Speaker 1: Therapy podcast on Instagram. Also, I'm actually on vacation right now, 25 00:01:20,959 --> 00:01:23,880 Speaker 1: so well, if you're listening to it the week that 26 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:26,720 Speaker 1: this comes out, I sometimes forget that people listen to 27 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:31,240 Speaker 1: these episodes long after they they've been up. But I 28 00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:33,360 Speaker 1: recorded this in advance before I want on vacation, so 29 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:37,240 Speaker 1: I could go on vacation and unplug or try to unplug. 30 00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:39,560 Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm actually doing that, because you 31 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,440 Speaker 1: know I have boundaries, but you know I'm a human, 32 00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:44,080 Speaker 1: so I I have a hard time to stepping fully 33 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:48,520 Speaker 1: away anyway. Life is hard, and I first forgot why 34 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:50,560 Speaker 1: he even brought that up. I was saying that I 35 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:53,240 Speaker 1: was going on vacation. But the reason I'm saying that 36 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:57,600 Speaker 1: is because something is something special is coming up next week. 37 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:01,440 Speaker 1: So I'm letting you know now case I forget while 38 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:07,240 Speaker 1: we're on vacation that next Wednesday, THEE is you Need 39 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:13,079 Speaker 1: Therapies one hundred episode, So just prepare yourself because I'm 40 00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:15,680 Speaker 1: going to do something special. I am not fully aware 41 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:17,920 Speaker 1: of what that's going to be. It will probably involve 42 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:22,240 Speaker 1: giving something away, and it will probably involve a special episode, 43 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:25,520 Speaker 1: so stay tuned if you want to know what that's 44 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:28,000 Speaker 1: going to be. But I really just pumping myself up. 45 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:31,000 Speaker 1: A hundred episodes is a lot of episodes, and I 46 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:35,000 Speaker 1: cannot believe that we're there, like what anyway, So now 47 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:38,800 Speaker 1: for the good stuff. Today, you're getting blessed with just 48 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:42,160 Speaker 1: my voice and you, guys, if you're avid listeners, you 49 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,399 Speaker 1: know that I love these solo episodes where I get 50 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:47,120 Speaker 1: to just talk to you guys and have some one 51 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:50,520 Speaker 1: on one time with you. And I've been dying to 52 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:54,919 Speaker 1: bring this conversation into play. This conversation is about failure, 53 00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:57,079 Speaker 1: so I'm for sure not going to tell you how 54 00:02:57,080 --> 00:03:00,240 Speaker 1: to avoid it how to avoid failure, but we are 55 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:03,399 Speaker 1: going to figure out what even is and why we're 56 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:06,400 Speaker 1: also scared of it, and also why this conversation is 57 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:09,880 Speaker 1: even important, Like why would I do a whole episode 58 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:12,560 Speaker 1: on failure? And one of the reasons is because I 59 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:16,160 Speaker 1: ask you guys via Instagram the other day, what was 60 00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:18,600 Speaker 1: the biggest thing that kept you from going after your 61 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:24,080 Speaker 1: dreams and your goals? And overwhelmingly the answer was fear 62 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:27,320 Speaker 1: of failure. And I will say, by far, that question 63 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:30,359 Speaker 1: that I asked was the most responded to, and I 64 00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:34,560 Speaker 1: had over a hundred responses saying fear of failure, lack 65 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:37,400 Speaker 1: of confidence, fear of not being good enough, and failing 66 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:40,520 Speaker 1: basically a bunch of different ways of saying fear of failing. 67 00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:42,920 Speaker 1: So that means that there are a lot of people 68 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,720 Speaker 1: in the world who are not doing what they desire 69 00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:49,120 Speaker 1: to do because they're afraid of failing. Because to be honest, 70 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:52,400 Speaker 1: I don't have that many Instagram followers, so that many 71 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,040 Speaker 1: of you guys are saying that to me. I know, 72 00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:57,000 Speaker 1: if I had a bigger following, I would have not hundreds, 73 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,880 Speaker 1: but I would have thousands of messages. So that's telling 74 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:03,040 Speaker 1: that this needs to be addressed because we cannot have 75 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:05,600 Speaker 1: all you guys out there just not going after the 76 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:08,400 Speaker 1: life you want and the life you deserve. So let's 77 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:12,840 Speaker 1: get into it. I think we should start with, like, 78 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:16,960 Speaker 1: what even is this thing that we call failure? Like 79 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:19,040 Speaker 1: what is it? And I have some thoughts on it, 80 00:04:19,279 --> 00:04:21,920 Speaker 1: which we will definitely get to, But first I googled 81 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:25,640 Speaker 1: the word and if you just define it, it's simple. 82 00:04:25,839 --> 00:04:29,240 Speaker 1: It just is the lack of success which leads us 83 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:33,240 Speaker 1: right into well, what is success? This is the big question, 84 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:38,720 Speaker 1: like what is success? What does that mean? So let's 85 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:42,240 Speaker 1: talk about what our culture promotes this success, and then 86 00:04:42,279 --> 00:04:45,760 Speaker 1: I'll invite you guys into creating your own definition after 87 00:04:45,839 --> 00:04:47,839 Speaker 1: we chat about this a little bit. And when I 88 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:51,080 Speaker 1: say our culture, I'm talking about the general culture that 89 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:54,520 Speaker 1: is found within American societies. And also I think that 90 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:58,080 Speaker 1: in this it's very important that I add my bias 91 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:01,279 Speaker 1: of what I've been surrounded buy and how that is 92 00:05:01,279 --> 00:05:03,920 Speaker 1: going to probably come out here because I'm talking from 93 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:08,360 Speaker 1: my experience and not actual research. So if you're new 94 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:10,760 Speaker 1: and don't know me or my story, I'm just gonna 95 00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:13,839 Speaker 1: lay this out that I am a white female who 96 00:05:13,839 --> 00:05:19,119 Speaker 1: grew up in a middle class suburb in the South. America. 97 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:22,479 Speaker 1: From my perspective, tends to do a good job of 98 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:26,039 Speaker 1: portraying success as something that happens when you have money 99 00:05:26,279 --> 00:05:30,120 Speaker 1: and a family and a house and all that. And 100 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:33,400 Speaker 1: the problem with this is, Okay, like I'm gonna paint 101 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:36,400 Speaker 1: a picture here. Say you're talking about your friend, we'll 102 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,760 Speaker 1: call him Will. Let's say that Will has this really 103 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,880 Speaker 1: nice looking job according to his LinkedIn and he's like 104 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:46,719 Speaker 1: the vice president of some sales company downtown at a 105 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:50,479 Speaker 1: cool downtown. Let's say natural, I'm a natural. So great, 106 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:54,880 Speaker 1: you think, oh, Will is super successful in his career. Okay, 107 00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:58,200 Speaker 1: and then maybe Will got married to his college girlfriend 108 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:01,680 Speaker 1: two years after graduation, So you say Will is super 109 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:06,560 Speaker 1: successful in relationships, he's successful in relationships, he's married boom. Okay. Well, 110 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:09,240 Speaker 1: then maybe he soon after that ends up having a 111 00:06:09,279 --> 00:06:11,840 Speaker 1: couple of kids and they all wear these really cute 112 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:14,160 Speaker 1: matching outfits on every holiday, and they send out these 113 00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:17,039 Speaker 1: really cute fun Christmas cards every year, and so you 114 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:19,440 Speaker 1: end up saying something like, Wow, Will is such a 115 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:22,640 Speaker 1: great dad. He's really successful in raising a family. Okay, 116 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:25,719 Speaker 1: let's break this down, because we've just decided that Will 117 00:06:25,839 --> 00:06:29,240 Speaker 1: is very successful. Because we are assuming his success on 118 00:06:29,279 --> 00:06:31,440 Speaker 1: what we were seeing on the outside, mixed with our 119 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:36,440 Speaker 1: judgment of what that means, we could be making a misjudgment. 120 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:38,839 Speaker 1: So what if Will hates his job, would he still 121 00:06:38,839 --> 00:06:41,520 Speaker 1: be successful because he gets paid a lot? Like would 122 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:44,600 Speaker 1: that kind of counteract that? Or what if Will didn't 123 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:46,640 Speaker 1: want to get married but he did it because he 124 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:48,600 Speaker 1: felt a lot of pressure and he secretly has been 125 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:51,520 Speaker 1: having like an affair or something, and and nobody knows 126 00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:54,760 Speaker 1: about it. Would he still be successful in relationships? And 127 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:58,239 Speaker 1: what if Will didn't want kids and actually has grown 128 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:00,080 Speaker 1: so fast in his job and he's so successfu on 129 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:03,039 Speaker 1: his job that he actually hates because he works long 130 00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:07,200 Speaker 1: hours to avoid being home because he didn't want kids, 131 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:10,240 Speaker 1: and his kids are super well behaved and are so 132 00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:13,760 Speaker 1: cute and public and all those pictures because they're afraid 133 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:17,680 Speaker 1: of their dad and want to please him in the 134 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:20,680 Speaker 1: very little time that he actually spends with them. Would 135 00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:23,240 Speaker 1: he still be successful in raising a family? We've said 136 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:25,440 Speaker 1: he was so successful and then we broke those things down, 137 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:28,760 Speaker 1: and having those things, having the job, having the wife, 138 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:31,640 Speaker 1: and having the kids didn't actually make that person feel 139 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:35,480 Speaker 1: satisfied or happy. Right, So there's one part of my argument. 140 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:37,920 Speaker 1: And then the other part is, let's say he has 141 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,040 Speaker 1: all those things and they are going well, but he 142 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:43,840 Speaker 1: also doesn't feel satisfied and doesn't know why because he 143 00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:47,000 Speaker 1: has the house and he has the family and he 144 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:49,960 Speaker 1: has the kids, and so he still feels lost. Would 145 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,560 Speaker 1: he's still be successful? And I think that's one of 146 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:55,000 Speaker 1: the main problems that I see over and over in 147 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,040 Speaker 1: my office and just in the world. That we have 148 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:01,640 Speaker 1: attached success and we we've tied success and these things together. 149 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:04,920 Speaker 1: But then people get these things and they don't feel 150 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:09,800 Speaker 1: satisfied and they don't feel successful in their definition, or 151 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,640 Speaker 1: we never get those things or we don't have them yet, 152 00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:15,840 Speaker 1: and so we tell ourselves were not successful because we 153 00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:18,360 Speaker 1: don't have those things yet. That could just be a 154 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:21,240 Speaker 1: misconception in our brains. I hope this is making sense, 155 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:24,400 Speaker 1: because it makes sense in my head. And so my 156 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,720 Speaker 1: point here really is being that we think these things 157 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:31,240 Speaker 1: equal success. But what if there was more to being successful? 158 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:33,800 Speaker 1: And if there was, would we be more encouraged to 159 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,440 Speaker 1: go after the things we want in life or would 160 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:39,160 Speaker 1: we be more afraid of going after those things and 161 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:42,320 Speaker 1: being afraid of failing. I found this really interesting. Found 162 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:48,640 Speaker 1: a report by Populace and Gallop, and it found that 163 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:54,360 Speaker 1: while less than ten percent of Americans personally define success 164 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:58,640 Speaker 1: in status oriented ways, they largely believe that other Americans 165 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:03,560 Speaker 1: do so. While less than ten percent of people believe that, 166 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:08,680 Speaker 1: they assume that most other people believe that. And this 167 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:12,440 Speaker 1: is a huge problem because if we think everyone else 168 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:17,000 Speaker 1: thinks X is successful, so then we aim for X. 169 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:20,520 Speaker 1: But then the reality is that everyone does not think 170 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:23,720 Speaker 1: X is successful. Then the thing that you've worked so 171 00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:27,360 Speaker 1: hard for doesn't make you feel successful because you don't 172 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:30,320 Speaker 1: actually value that, and it doesn't make other people think 173 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:33,120 Speaker 1: you are either. So you're like out double And it 174 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:35,160 Speaker 1: makes me think of this thing that this idea that 175 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:38,040 Speaker 1: I created my head a while ago and I named 176 00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:41,760 Speaker 1: it pulling up weeds. So imagine if you're gardening and 177 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:44,600 Speaker 1: you see this big weed and you try to pull 178 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:46,959 Speaker 1: out of the ground, but it's one of those weeds 179 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,040 Speaker 1: that you think it has a root, so you're just 180 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:50,760 Speaker 1: like reaching down. You want to pull up out of 181 00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:53,120 Speaker 1: the ground and get that satisfied feeling of like pulling 182 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:55,439 Speaker 1: this weed out and getting out of your yard. But 183 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:57,960 Speaker 1: it's not one of those weeds. It's one of those 184 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:00,240 Speaker 1: weeds that ends up being were like a vine, and 185 00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:02,360 Speaker 1: it can kind of just pull you all over the 186 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:05,600 Speaker 1: yard and eventually, because you never get to the end 187 00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:08,000 Speaker 1: of it, you just break in give up. Right. So 188 00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:11,439 Speaker 1: I think that's how a lot of people chase success. 189 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:14,360 Speaker 1: It starts with just trying to pull up this one 190 00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:16,679 Speaker 1: thing that you think is going to give you the satisfaction, 191 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:20,120 Speaker 1: like going to this great college and graduating college but 192 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,600 Speaker 1: the thing is something always comes after that. There's always 193 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:26,120 Speaker 1: the next step, because it goes from going to college 194 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:30,079 Speaker 1: to getting the dream job, to getting the boyfriend the girlfriend, 195 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:33,560 Speaker 1: to get getting engaged, to getting married, to buying the house, 196 00:10:33,679 --> 00:10:37,760 Speaker 1: to having kids, to getting a promotion, like on and 197 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,199 Speaker 1: on and on and on and on. There's always something 198 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,120 Speaker 1: else that we're trying to pull up that that's going 199 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,360 Speaker 1: to be the thing that's going to be the thing 200 00:10:44,559 --> 00:10:46,600 Speaker 1: that's going to be the thing that makes me feel better. 201 00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:49,839 Speaker 1: And it's like a ladder that has an unending number 202 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:52,600 Speaker 1: of rungs. Right, You're going to be climbing forever. We're 203 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:56,160 Speaker 1: going to be climbing forever, aiming to feel satisfied by 204 00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:58,680 Speaker 1: standards that I don't even think our arts like. I 205 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,640 Speaker 1: don't even think that some of us even know what 206 00:11:00,679 --> 00:11:03,079 Speaker 1: our standards of success are. I don't think a lot 207 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,679 Speaker 1: of us even understand what success is and have ever 208 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:08,679 Speaker 1: really thought to define it, because we just go with 209 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:11,960 Speaker 1: what we think other people believe. Most other people don't 210 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:16,160 Speaker 1: believe that, ma'am. So when it comes down to it, 211 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:18,960 Speaker 1: I just want to let everyone out there know that 212 00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:22,960 Speaker 1: success is actually something that can be defined individually and 213 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:27,440 Speaker 1: there's no universal definition of success because different people find 214 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:31,120 Speaker 1: different things important and valuable and and that's important. We 215 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:34,600 Speaker 1: want that to be true, so different parts of the 216 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:38,280 Speaker 1: world continue to like move forward and grow. I think 217 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:41,240 Speaker 1: there's something more valuable than looking the part and getting 218 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:45,680 Speaker 1: things right personally, I think there's something more valuable than 219 00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:49,280 Speaker 1: looking like you have things together, because you you could 220 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:52,840 Speaker 1: have things together and you still might not feel good, 221 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,480 Speaker 1: or those might not be the things that actually make 222 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:57,520 Speaker 1: you feel good. This is something that's really really hard 223 00:11:57,520 --> 00:12:00,600 Speaker 1: for people to grasp, and honestly, things like social media, 224 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:03,280 Speaker 1: for sure don't help us. But literally, I want you 225 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:06,240 Speaker 1: to imagine what it What would happen if we stopped 226 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:09,120 Speaker 1: living our lives for the approval of other people, If 227 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:11,600 Speaker 1: we stopped living our lives so other people thought certain 228 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:13,880 Speaker 1: things about us, what would happen? And I say this 229 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,440 Speaker 1: all of the time, but the truth is, if we're 230 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:20,720 Speaker 1: living our lives authentically and fully authentically, there's no way, 231 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:24,360 Speaker 1: no possible way that everyone will like us and approve 232 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,680 Speaker 1: of what we're doing. There's just no way that would 233 00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:29,160 Speaker 1: be possible. So we have to make a choice, and 234 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:32,600 Speaker 1: the choices are either live my life and authentically and 235 00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:36,240 Speaker 1: abandoned myself and my needs and my desires to gain 236 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:40,000 Speaker 1: the possible approval of all other people or live the 237 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:42,320 Speaker 1: life I want to live and accept that not everyone 238 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:44,600 Speaker 1: will think that that's cool, or that's right, or that's good. 239 00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:47,760 Speaker 1: And this is where fear steps in and talks to us. 240 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,840 Speaker 1: So I want to talk about fear because that's part 241 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:52,840 Speaker 1: of this conversation. And first I want to remind you, 242 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:55,600 Speaker 1: guys that feelings are not good or bad. They are 243 00:12:55,679 --> 00:12:59,000 Speaker 1: just things. And I want you to think about feelings 244 00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:03,199 Speaker 1: as guides or tool was that lead us to our needs? Okay, 245 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:06,640 Speaker 1: So an easy way to look at this is as 246 00:13:06,679 --> 00:13:09,960 Speaker 1: if feelings were like car lights on a dashboard. Right. 247 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,080 Speaker 1: I think a lot of us think that the lights 248 00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:14,360 Speaker 1: are bad, but the reality is that they're not good 249 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:17,040 Speaker 1: or bad. They're just there lights that are telling you 250 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:19,280 Speaker 1: that you need something like you need gas or you 251 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,280 Speaker 1: need an oil change or something like that. And you 252 00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:24,839 Speaker 1: can listen to them. You can say, oh, that light 253 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:27,040 Speaker 1: came on, I'm going to go figure this out, or 254 00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:29,920 Speaker 1: you can ignore them and maybe you run out of gas. 255 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:32,320 Speaker 1: So the thing that you thought was a problem al 256 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,800 Speaker 1: online gas now becomes a huge problem because you're stranded, 257 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:37,400 Speaker 1: or like your engine blows up because there's no oil. 258 00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:38,840 Speaker 1: And so this thing that you thought was a problem, 259 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:40,480 Speaker 1: I have to go to the place and get an 260 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:43,320 Speaker 1: oil change. So inven it turns into this much larger 261 00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:47,760 Speaker 1: inconvenience because you refuse to acknowledge the light. So that's 262 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:49,120 Speaker 1: what I want you to how you I want you 263 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:52,440 Speaker 1: to really view feelings here. So fear is a feeling, 264 00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:56,040 Speaker 1: and it's one of my favorites. For a second, I 265 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:58,400 Speaker 1: almost I was like, no, it's not, but it really is. 266 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:01,840 Speaker 1: It's one of my favorites. I don't like feeling it. 267 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:05,120 Speaker 1: It's uncomfortable, but it's one of my favorite feelings because 268 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,680 Speaker 1: it lets us know that we care about something. It 269 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:11,680 Speaker 1: guides us to what we are passionate about. We get 270 00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:14,640 Speaker 1: scared because we care. If we didn't care, we wouldn't 271 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:17,760 Speaker 1: be afraid. And that is why I like this feeling, 272 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:21,440 Speaker 1: because it helps us gain a much deeper understanding of 273 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:25,520 Speaker 1: ourselves and what is important to us. And it also 274 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:29,240 Speaker 1: reminds us that we value our lives. That's why you 275 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:31,560 Speaker 1: do things like look both ways when you cross the 276 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:34,320 Speaker 1: street because of fear, because you don't want to die. 277 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,680 Speaker 1: It lets you know that you value your life and 278 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:40,000 Speaker 1: being alive. So while it shows us what we value it, 279 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:42,520 Speaker 1: they're at the same time also has the ability to 280 00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:46,800 Speaker 1: keep us safe. Now here's the thing about safety. Safety 281 00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:50,840 Speaker 1: is something that we very often tie onto comfort, but 282 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:53,440 Speaker 1: there are two separate things. So there are two totally 283 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:57,280 Speaker 1: different things that people think live together and we get 284 00:14:57,320 --> 00:15:00,200 Speaker 1: them confused for one another two And the truth as 285 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:02,680 Speaker 1: you can be safe and uncomfortable, and you can be 286 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,760 Speaker 1: comfortable and unsafe. Both of those things can be happening. 287 00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:13,280 Speaker 1: They don't have to be together. I think I've told 288 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:16,000 Speaker 1: this story on the podcast before, but you know some 289 00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:17,600 Speaker 1: of you guys have not heard it, so we're going 290 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:20,920 Speaker 1: to talk about it again. I was an adventure therapist 291 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:23,080 Speaker 1: years ago at a treatment center and I did a 292 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:26,840 Speaker 1: lot of outdoor stuff, ropes, courses, team building, and one 293 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:29,760 Speaker 1: of the elements that we did often was it's called 294 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:32,360 Speaker 1: the leap of faith, and it was something it was 295 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,760 Speaker 1: like a telephone pole that you would climb to the 296 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:37,120 Speaker 1: very top of this telephone pole and then you would 297 00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:40,320 Speaker 1: stand on this like little wood block and you would 298 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:43,320 Speaker 1: eventually jump off of the wood block. Now you were 299 00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:46,440 Speaker 1: harnessed in, so you were harnessed in and then we 300 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:49,160 Speaker 1: had all these ropes and it was double safety and 301 00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:52,280 Speaker 1: it was like all it was very very safe. But 302 00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:55,440 Speaker 1: people were freaked out when they did that, like completely 303 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:59,080 Speaker 1: freaked out, and they would be very afraid and say 304 00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:01,440 Speaker 1: things like do you have like am I gonna be okay? 305 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:04,520 Speaker 1: And what was going on is they were very very uncomfortable. 306 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:09,000 Speaker 1: It was it was an uncomfortable experience, and so they 307 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,920 Speaker 1: then assume that they're unsafe. But the thing is a 308 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:15,360 Speaker 1: lot of people are probably safer being harnessed in up 309 00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:18,080 Speaker 1: on that telephone pole than they are on the ground 310 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:21,200 Speaker 1: where anything can just like run over you. Right, that 311 00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:24,120 Speaker 1: you're safer doing that. Then you are driving a car. 312 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,440 Speaker 1: But we're used to driving a car, so we're comfortable 313 00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:28,760 Speaker 1: with it. We're not used to climbing up a telephone pole, 314 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,880 Speaker 1: and so we have to learn to untie those things. 315 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:35,600 Speaker 1: It's like somebody who struggles with alcoholism, Right, so it 316 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:38,840 Speaker 1: might be really comfortable when you're feeling sad to go 317 00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:41,040 Speaker 1: to a bar and drink, But is that a safe 318 00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:44,800 Speaker 1: decision for somebody who's an alcoholic or really anybody? But no, 319 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:49,400 Speaker 1: And so something that's comfortable is unsafe and something that's uncomfortable, 320 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:51,920 Speaker 1: like climb with this telephone pole, is actually really safe. 321 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:54,760 Speaker 1: And the reason I even really wanted to bring that 322 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:57,680 Speaker 1: up is because that's what keeps us from doing a 323 00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:00,480 Speaker 1: lot of things as well that we really want to do. 324 00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:04,119 Speaker 1: Is because the discomfort of the unknown or the newness, 325 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:06,600 Speaker 1: it tells us that we're not safe, and it tells 326 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,399 Speaker 1: us that we're not okay, and then we run away 327 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:11,280 Speaker 1: from it. So I think we need to pay attention 328 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:14,399 Speaker 1: to fear, and we need to talk to it, and 329 00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:17,080 Speaker 1: we need to listen to it, because sometimes the fear 330 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:19,639 Speaker 1: like gets turned on, and it gets turned on to 331 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:22,240 Speaker 1: tell us that we care about something, but we get 332 00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:25,640 Speaker 1: confused and we think it's telling us that we're unsafe, 333 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:28,840 Speaker 1: when really we're just uncomfortable because we really care about 334 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:32,000 Speaker 1: whatever it is that we're doing. So we're doing, especially 335 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:34,000 Speaker 1: if we're doing something new or we're doing something with 336 00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:38,359 Speaker 1: no guarantees, it's like, that's uncomfortable, but we get scared 337 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:41,200 Speaker 1: because we care about it, not because something bad is 338 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,600 Speaker 1: going to happen. Now. When we are afraid of failing, 339 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:46,439 Speaker 1: it means simply that we really care about what we 340 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,400 Speaker 1: are aiming for, and that's not a bad thing. That's 341 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,760 Speaker 1: not a reason not to do it, but that's a 342 00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:53,760 Speaker 1: reason why we don't do it a lot of times. 343 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:57,040 Speaker 1: So if we're afraid of someone seeing us fail, or 344 00:17:57,119 --> 00:17:59,920 Speaker 1: if we're afraid of what someone will think if we fail, 345 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,720 Speaker 1: that's a whole other situation, And that goes a little 346 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:05,960 Speaker 1: bit more into the success conversation that we're having. But 347 00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:09,000 Speaker 1: also I would really wonder where is your value system? 348 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:11,679 Speaker 1: Where does your value system lie? What's more valuable to 349 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:14,639 Speaker 1: you honoring your goals and desires or making sure that 350 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,280 Speaker 1: people think X about you? And if it's the second, 351 00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:19,920 Speaker 1: that's okay. I just would really want you to dig 352 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,760 Speaker 1: into that and see if you want to stay there 353 00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:24,680 Speaker 1: and if you want that to continue to be what 354 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,040 Speaker 1: you find the most valuable and if it is, okay, 355 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:28,800 Speaker 1: but if it's not, then we need to have a 356 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:31,680 Speaker 1: bigger conversation. Now, humans want to feel safe. It's a 357 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:35,600 Speaker 1: very natural thing and a very natural desire. But if 358 00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:38,679 Speaker 1: we really peel apart the safe and comfortable parts, you 359 00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:41,359 Speaker 1: can feel safe while you're doing something scary and be 360 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:44,720 Speaker 1: okay because you have a foundation to come back to 361 00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:47,480 Speaker 1: and you have a home base, you have security, you 362 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:50,320 Speaker 1: have something that reminds you that you're okay, and so 363 00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:52,399 Speaker 1: you can take risks knowing that you're going to be 364 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:55,600 Speaker 1: okay because you have a foundation. You have a foundation 365 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,840 Speaker 1: of what's important to you and who you are, and 366 00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,840 Speaker 1: so taking a risk doesn't sound ask arry because if 367 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:03,960 Speaker 1: you mess up, that doesn't define who you are at all, 368 00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:06,920 Speaker 1: because you haven't already have a foundation laid of who 369 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,720 Speaker 1: you are, and you can come back to that. If 370 00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:10,800 Speaker 1: you don't have that foundation, you're probably not going to 371 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:13,119 Speaker 1: get what you want out of life. Think about jumping 372 00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:15,800 Speaker 1: off of a rock from a really shaky foundation versus 373 00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:19,320 Speaker 1: a really sturdy one. You'll go farther jumping off the 374 00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:22,280 Speaker 1: sturdy one. Right. The sturdy one is like your foundation 375 00:19:22,359 --> 00:19:25,120 Speaker 1: or sense of self. It's knowing who you are outside 376 00:19:25,119 --> 00:19:27,919 Speaker 1: of what you do or how you perform. And if 377 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:31,119 Speaker 1: I'm constantly trying to feel okay by the opinions and 378 00:19:31,119 --> 00:19:33,840 Speaker 1: the thoughts of every everyone else around me, I'm not 379 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:36,840 Speaker 1: going to have that strong foundation. Right. And when we 380 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:39,760 Speaker 1: have a strong foundation of self and the outcome doesn't 381 00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:42,880 Speaker 1: have the potential to damage or make or break my identity, 382 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:46,919 Speaker 1: the goal that starts to change. Right, The goal is 383 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:50,360 Speaker 1: different when the outcome of what you're wanting to do, 384 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:53,760 Speaker 1: that thing that you want, When the outcome of of 385 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:56,480 Speaker 1: if you achieve that or not doesn't have the potential 386 00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:59,879 Speaker 1: to damage or make or break your identity the goal act, 387 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:02,639 Speaker 1: it ends up changing the real goal. The jump stops 388 00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:06,919 Speaker 1: being so much about being successful right, The jump stops 389 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,520 Speaker 1: being so much about how far you can jump, and 390 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:13,760 Speaker 1: it starts being about growing and seeing how far you 391 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:17,119 Speaker 1: can jump compared to the last time you jumped, versus 392 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:20,119 Speaker 1: trying to make one really, really, really really good big jump. 393 00:20:20,359 --> 00:20:24,800 Speaker 1: The goal then essentially becomes learning how to jump better 394 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:28,439 Speaker 1: each time I do, versus just having one really good 395 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,640 Speaker 1: jump that everybody thinks it's awesome. It makes me think 396 00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:33,840 Speaker 1: about a time in my life in high school when 397 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:37,600 Speaker 1: I played soccer, and while I was good at soccer, 398 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:39,439 Speaker 1: I would say it was a good player, I was 399 00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:42,760 Speaker 1: never the best, and I was very aware of that. 400 00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:45,639 Speaker 1: I will also add my high school soccer coach was 401 00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:50,040 Speaker 1: not a kind person. He was mean, and he scared 402 00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:52,240 Speaker 1: the crap out of me. He brought a lot of fear, 403 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:54,719 Speaker 1: but in a way that told me that actually this 404 00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:57,439 Speaker 1: was unsafe. It was unsafe to be a human around 405 00:20:57,440 --> 00:21:00,840 Speaker 1: this person will also add in high school, I didn't 406 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:02,760 Speaker 1: have a very strong foundation. I did not have a 407 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:05,639 Speaker 1: very strong sense of self, and the behavior of my 408 00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:08,840 Speaker 1: coach and how he coached us sent a message of fear. 409 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,560 Speaker 1: It was unsafe to be human. It was unsafe to 410 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:14,280 Speaker 1: be and when I say human, a thing that messes 411 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,680 Speaker 1: up and is imperfect. It was very unsafe to mess 412 00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:19,360 Speaker 1: up around him. If you messed up, your identity as 413 00:21:19,359 --> 00:21:21,880 Speaker 1: a player would change in an instant, or at least 414 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,720 Speaker 1: that's what it felt like to me. So when I 415 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:26,400 Speaker 1: got an opportunity to play play a game that at 416 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,960 Speaker 1: one point I really loved and I really enjoyed, and 417 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:31,080 Speaker 1: I played it just for fun, I would end up 418 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,800 Speaker 1: freezing and I leave games knowing I could have done 419 00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:36,560 Speaker 1: better and I was not being myself. And probably back 420 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:39,439 Speaker 1: then I didn't really understand why I would do that, 421 00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:41,920 Speaker 1: and I would like choke or mess up or whatever. 422 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:45,399 Speaker 1: Now I know what was going on. Any single player 423 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,720 Speaker 1: game I was in had the ability to make or 424 00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:49,480 Speaker 1: break who I was as a player. Like I said, 425 00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:51,840 Speaker 1: if I played a great game, I was a great player. 426 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,080 Speaker 1: If I had one bad game, I was a bad player. 427 00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:56,440 Speaker 1: There was no foundation I didn't have a great foundation 428 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:59,000 Speaker 1: of sense of self in general, but in just that 429 00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:02,919 Speaker 1: one experience, like playing soccer on that team with that coach, 430 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:06,440 Speaker 1: I had no foundation. So there was not a safe base. 431 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,720 Speaker 1: There was no security. I wasn't jumping off of a 432 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:11,919 Speaker 1: sturdy rock. There was no it's okay, I know you 433 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:14,320 Speaker 1: can do better. I know that's not you. And what's 434 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:17,200 Speaker 1: going on, Like, let's have a conversation. If there was 435 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:20,280 Speaker 1: a mess up, there's temper tantrums, like adult temper tantrums, 436 00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:23,000 Speaker 1: not by me, by the coach and yelling and I 437 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,200 Speaker 1: can't believe you did that, and a lot of shame. 438 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:29,560 Speaker 1: And that's because we were coached on how to be successful, 439 00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:32,240 Speaker 1: or we were coached to be successful, not even how 440 00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:35,280 Speaker 1: to be successful. We were coached to be successful and 441 00:22:35,359 --> 00:22:38,560 Speaker 1: not to grow as players. We didn't learn from our mistakes. 442 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,720 Speaker 1: We were shamed for them. So you didn't want to 443 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:43,679 Speaker 1: mess up because messing up was failing, and failing was 444 00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:47,000 Speaker 1: the opposite of success and the reality and life. Now 445 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:50,120 Speaker 1: as an adult, I've learned more from my mistakes than 446 00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:54,399 Speaker 1: anything else in life, Like I'm grateful for things that 447 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:58,240 Speaker 1: I probably would have labeled as failures in my past. 448 00:22:58,359 --> 00:23:00,840 Speaker 1: I'm so grateful for them because those are the things 449 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:04,080 Speaker 1: that helped me learn how to jump farther the next 450 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:06,520 Speaker 1: time I go. But I didn't have that plane soccer, 451 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:08,959 Speaker 1: and so eventually I just quit playing altogether because if 452 00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:11,959 Speaker 1: I didn't try, I definitely wouldn't be a failure. Right 453 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:15,200 Speaker 1: if I didn't put myself in that game, I did 454 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:20,640 Speaker 1: not have to risk being shamed, and risk haven't even 455 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:23,879 Speaker 1: shake your foundation of a sense of self. Now, the 456 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:26,240 Speaker 1: sad part about this, when I look back on it, 457 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:28,760 Speaker 1: is that I really could have been a great player, 458 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:30,280 Speaker 1: like it could have not just been a good player, 459 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,400 Speaker 1: could have been a great player if I was encouraged 460 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,800 Speaker 1: to grow instead of just succeed all the time. But 461 00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:37,320 Speaker 1: I quit, and that was a decision I made. I 462 00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:40,080 Speaker 1: don't regret it at this point. Therefore, I never really 463 00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:42,120 Speaker 1: learned how to be better. And I tell you that 464 00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:44,560 Speaker 1: because I know there are people out there in the 465 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:47,200 Speaker 1: world that probably felt like I did back then. And 466 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:49,640 Speaker 1: I don't want you guys to quit like I don't 467 00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:52,040 Speaker 1: want you guys to quit. I didn't bloom into an 468 00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:56,040 Speaker 1: exceptional soccer player because I wasn't good enough. I didn't 469 00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:59,320 Speaker 1: because I didn't know how to grow. I didn't know 470 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:03,400 Speaker 1: that succeeding all the time and aiming for success all 471 00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:06,080 Speaker 1: the time wasn't the path to greatness. Because what I've 472 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:09,840 Speaker 1: really learned through my short long life is that the 473 00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:12,520 Speaker 1: people in the world who do the things that you 474 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:15,399 Speaker 1: see and you're like, oh my gosh, incredible, wow. The 475 00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:17,440 Speaker 1: people that are doing these things that you're like, how 476 00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:20,320 Speaker 1: did they do that? Those people, the people that are 477 00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:23,280 Speaker 1: probably following their dreams and the desires and going after 478 00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:25,679 Speaker 1: the things that they want in life. The people that 479 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:28,560 Speaker 1: are doing these things that you can't even imagine doing, 480 00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:32,560 Speaker 1: they're doing those things by not aiming to be successful. 481 00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:37,520 Speaker 1: They're doing those things by aiming for growth instead of success. 482 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:40,480 Speaker 1: Because when we aim for growth, we can mess up. 483 00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:43,400 Speaker 1: We can learn from things that went horribly wrong. When 484 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,639 Speaker 1: we aim for growth, we can take risks, because the 485 00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:47,800 Speaker 1: goal isn't to land on our feet all the time. 486 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,240 Speaker 1: It's not the goal. Um When we aim for growth, 487 00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:53,480 Speaker 1: we don't get it right, and then we use that 488 00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:57,199 Speaker 1: experience to learn something and try again and try to 489 00:24:57,240 --> 00:25:00,480 Speaker 1: get it not right but essentially better right. We don't 490 00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:03,439 Speaker 1: get down on ourselves and feel shame because when we 491 00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:07,199 Speaker 1: aim for growth, and we don't end quote succeed, we 492 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,800 Speaker 1: also don't feel like we failed because the goal wasn't 493 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:13,600 Speaker 1: to succeed. And so let's come back to what failure is. 494 00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:16,560 Speaker 1: Is failure the opposite of success? Or is it an 495 00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:18,919 Speaker 1: idea that has been made up and actually doesn't have 496 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,840 Speaker 1: to exist because the failure is the opposite of success. 497 00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:25,840 Speaker 1: That's so confusing too, because we've already decided that success 498 00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:28,640 Speaker 1: is a very relative thing. And so what I'm saying 499 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:31,720 Speaker 1: is if success is relative or better yet, if our 500 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:34,560 Speaker 1: goal isn't even to be successful, if we take that 501 00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:38,040 Speaker 1: out of the running, if our goal becomes growth, then 502 00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:41,200 Speaker 1: what in the heck is failure? Not getting it right 503 00:25:41,359 --> 00:25:45,080 Speaker 1: or not getting the job, or the relationship not working out, 504 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:48,600 Speaker 1: or the audition not going well isn't failure because I 505 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:51,720 Speaker 1: bet in those things you experience something and from that 506 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:54,639 Speaker 1: experience you grew. So if your goal was to grow, 507 00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:57,560 Speaker 1: you didn't fail. And I want you guys to know 508 00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:59,800 Speaker 1: that I have not gotten a lot of things, and 509 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:02,760 Speaker 1: you may not know that because I don't know that. 510 00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:05,720 Speaker 1: I like post every time I something doesn't go the 511 00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:08,720 Speaker 1: way that I imagined it in my head. But I 512 00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:10,760 Speaker 1: believe things don't work out until they do. And I've 513 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:13,399 Speaker 1: seen that my lifetime time time time time again. And 514 00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:16,399 Speaker 1: one of the my favorite stories of that is about 515 00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:19,520 Speaker 1: five years ago, I had decided that I wanted to 516 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:22,200 Speaker 1: get into fitness just for fun. I just wanted something 517 00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:25,679 Speaker 1: fun to do outside of working as a therapist. And 518 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:29,440 Speaker 1: so I saw this new cycling studio was opening up, 519 00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:31,000 Speaker 1: and we didn't really have a lot of We had 520 00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:34,040 Speaker 1: one cycling studio in Nashville, and it wasn't Rhythm Base, 521 00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:35,800 Speaker 1: but it's the only one we had, so I would 522 00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:38,040 Speaker 1: go to it from time to time. And I always 523 00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:40,119 Speaker 1: thought the idea of teaching at a studio, at a 524 00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:44,160 Speaker 1: cycling studio would be cool because motivational fitness it kind 525 00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:46,800 Speaker 1: of blended some of the things I loved together. So 526 00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:49,000 Speaker 1: this new studio was opening up and it was like 527 00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:51,560 Speaker 1: no experience necessary, and I was like, all right, awesome. 528 00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:56,639 Speaker 1: So I applied and made it to the like in person, 529 00:26:57,119 --> 00:26:59,960 Speaker 1: I guess audition where they brought us in and talked 530 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:02,400 Speaker 1: us about the studio they're going to open, didn't really 531 00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:05,600 Speaker 1: ask us any questions or really they kind of talked 532 00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:08,000 Speaker 1: at us, and then they had us do this really 533 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:12,240 Speaker 1: weird like very weird version of an audition where they like, 534 00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:15,520 Speaker 1: we were in some apartment building, um, and they're like 535 00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:18,399 Speaker 1: community room or something, and they put us on a 536 00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:21,439 Speaker 1: stationary bike and they played music from an iPhone like 537 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:23,800 Speaker 1: a couple of seconds of each song, and they're like, 538 00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:25,040 Speaker 1: we just want to see if you can ride to 539 00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:27,720 Speaker 1: the beata music. And I am very confident that I 540 00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:29,680 Speaker 1: can do that. I don't have a lot of rhythm 541 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:32,000 Speaker 1: when it comes to dancing, but I really can ride 542 00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:33,639 Speaker 1: to the b of music on a bike. So we 543 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:35,800 Speaker 1: do that. We don't have to say anything, wouldn't have 544 00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:38,520 Speaker 1: to speak at all, and so in my head, I'm like, 545 00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:41,400 Speaker 1: no big deal, I got this. Well a week later 546 00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:43,879 Speaker 1: I got an email that very clearly said that I 547 00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:47,440 Speaker 1: did not got this and I didn't get it. I 548 00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:51,720 Speaker 1: didn't make it, and I was like, okay, okay, Well, 549 00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:54,560 Speaker 1: I was really afraid I've missed that part. I was 550 00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:59,119 Speaker 1: terrified of that experience because I didn't know what to expect. 551 00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:01,959 Speaker 1: I didn't have experience, so I was like, who am 552 00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:04,760 Speaker 1: I to be doing this? I really wanted it right, 553 00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:07,399 Speaker 1: so I really wanted it so it was important to me. 554 00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:10,280 Speaker 1: So I was really scared before that. I guess interview 555 00:28:10,359 --> 00:28:13,879 Speaker 1: or audition. But when I got that email, my thought 556 00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:16,320 Speaker 1: wasn't like, oh my gosh, I have failed at this 557 00:28:16,800 --> 00:28:19,320 Speaker 1: and that was actually new for me. Back then, my 558 00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:22,719 Speaker 1: thought was, Okay, well, that was an experience that I had, 559 00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:26,879 Speaker 1: and now I know what to expect and kind of like, 560 00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:30,360 Speaker 1: I've done that. I've done this before. I've never been 561 00:28:30,359 --> 00:28:33,840 Speaker 1: to any kind of fitness studio audition in my life, 562 00:28:34,359 --> 00:28:36,120 Speaker 1: so now I have to figure out if I really 563 00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:39,680 Speaker 1: want to teach, and if I do, how do I 564 00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:42,239 Speaker 1: take what I've done here and learned and things that 565 00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:46,240 Speaker 1: they talked about and all of that and then try again. 566 00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:49,920 Speaker 1: And well I did. I went to another audition at 567 00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:51,880 Speaker 1: another studio that happened to be opening up at the 568 00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:55,800 Speaker 1: same time. And the funny thing is that audition I 569 00:28:55,800 --> 00:28:58,520 Speaker 1: actually had to get. I had to like prepare songs 570 00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:01,400 Speaker 1: and like fake teach of them to like two people 571 00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:03,880 Speaker 1: staring at me, which was really awkward, but it's just 572 00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:07,280 Speaker 1: how a lot of auditions are done. That was terrifying 573 00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:09,680 Speaker 1: as well. But I did it, and you know what, 574 00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:12,280 Speaker 1: I don't even know how well I did, but they 575 00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:14,760 Speaker 1: saw something in me and I made it and I 576 00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:17,640 Speaker 1: like telling that story. Because I think a lot of 577 00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:20,920 Speaker 1: us don't go after these unknown things like these news 578 00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:23,280 Speaker 1: I hear so much. Why can't do that? I've never 579 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:26,040 Speaker 1: done that. I don't have experienced. They would never choose me. Well, 580 00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:28,080 Speaker 1: they might not choose you the first time, for sure, 581 00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:30,040 Speaker 1: they might not choose you. But it is is this 582 00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:33,000 Speaker 1: important to you because you deserve to give yourself a shot, 583 00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:36,200 Speaker 1: and you deserve to give yourself a shot again until 584 00:29:36,240 --> 00:29:39,200 Speaker 1: you decide that like this isn't for you, or maybe 585 00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:41,920 Speaker 1: the world is leading you to something else. Because I 586 00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:44,360 Speaker 1: fully believe that that know that I got from that 587 00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:47,920 Speaker 1: studio was a nudge. It was a nudge saying, hey, 588 00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:51,080 Speaker 1: you really were afraid of that because you really wanted it, 589 00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:53,760 Speaker 1: But that's not the place for you. There's this other place. 590 00:29:53,960 --> 00:29:56,200 Speaker 1: There's this other studio, because I never would have gone 591 00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:58,800 Speaker 1: to the other studios audition if I would have made 592 00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:02,280 Speaker 1: that one, And that other studio actually was my home 593 00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:05,880 Speaker 1: for about four years and was the reason I could 594 00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:08,960 Speaker 1: even quit my job at the treatment center I was 595 00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:12,640 Speaker 1: working at and start my business, my private practice. So 596 00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:15,200 Speaker 1: I do not look at that audition and think about, 597 00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:18,320 Speaker 1: oh I failed, How embarrassing, How embarrassing that you told 598 00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:20,440 Speaker 1: your friends about that and then you didn't get it, 599 00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:22,840 Speaker 1: not at all. I don't think that at all. I 600 00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:25,400 Speaker 1: see that as a little push. You're going straight, we 601 00:30:25,440 --> 00:30:27,560 Speaker 1: need to go to left turn here. That's what I 602 00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:29,920 Speaker 1: saw that ass and I grew from it, and then 603 00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:32,440 Speaker 1: I went this other direction, and I stayed at that 604 00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:35,320 Speaker 1: studio for four years and I felt another push. So 605 00:30:35,680 --> 00:30:38,960 Speaker 1: that actually all that makes me think of, Um, this 606 00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:41,480 Speaker 1: song I have this. I guess it's a song. Yeah, 607 00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:44,040 Speaker 1: the song. I play it in my speaking of cycling 608 00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:46,720 Speaker 1: and play in my cycling classes, not all the time 609 00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:48,520 Speaker 1: because it's really special, so I try to keep it 610 00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:52,600 Speaker 1: for like special situations. But it's a clip from Oprah, 611 00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:56,040 Speaker 1: like of Oprah talking placed over a one Republic song. 612 00:30:56,760 --> 00:31:00,120 Speaker 1: So I want to end this whole conversation with the 613 00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:03,120 Speaker 1: quote of what Oprah says in the song because I 614 00:31:03,160 --> 00:31:07,360 Speaker 1: think it sums everything up that I am getting at today. 615 00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:10,360 Speaker 1: So I'm gonna read you her words, and here they are. 616 00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:14,080 Speaker 1: There are no mistakes. There really aren't any, because you 617 00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:17,360 Speaker 1: have a supreme destiny. And when you're in your little mind, 618 00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:21,320 Speaker 1: your little personality mind, where you're not centered and where 619 00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:23,920 Speaker 1: you really don't know who you are that you come 620 00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:27,640 Speaker 1: from something greater and bigger, and we really are all 621 00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:30,640 Speaker 1: just the same. When you don't know that, you get 622 00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:34,600 Speaker 1: all flustered, you get stressed. You get stressed all the time, 623 00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:38,120 Speaker 1: wanting something to be what it isn't. And there's a 624 00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:41,600 Speaker 1: supreme destiny, there's a calling on your life, and your 625 00:31:41,720 --> 00:31:44,680 Speaker 1: job is to feel that and to know that. And 626 00:31:44,760 --> 00:31:48,840 Speaker 1: sometimes when you're not listening, you get taken off track. 627 00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:53,200 Speaker 1: You're getting the wrong marriage, the wrong relationship, you take 628 00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:56,640 Speaker 1: the wrong job. But it's all leading to the same path. 629 00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:00,240 Speaker 1: There are no wrong paths. There are none. There's no 630 00:32:00,320 --> 00:32:03,440 Speaker 1: such thing as failure, really, because failure is just that 631 00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:07,560 Speaker 1: thing trying to move you into another direction. So you 632 00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:09,880 Speaker 1: get as much from your losses as you get from 633 00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:13,720 Speaker 1: your victories, because your losses are just there to wake 634 00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:16,920 Speaker 1: you up. I always ask people on Super Soul Sunday 635 00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:19,040 Speaker 1: to tell me what would you say to your former self, 636 00:32:19,440 --> 00:32:22,840 Speaker 1: and everyone says, in one form or another, I'd say, relax, 637 00:32:23,880 --> 00:32:29,280 Speaker 1: just relax, it's okay, It's really going to be okay. 638 00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:32,240 Speaker 1: The way through the challenge is to get still and 639 00:32:32,360 --> 00:32:35,840 Speaker 1: ask yourself what is the next right move, and then 640 00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:38,560 Speaker 1: from that space you make the next right move and 641 00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:41,680 Speaker 1: the next right move, and not to be overwhelmed by it, 642 00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:44,720 Speaker 1: because you know your life is bigger than that one moment. 643 00:32:45,040 --> 00:32:48,160 Speaker 1: You know you are not defined by what someone says 644 00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:51,120 Speaker 1: is a failure to you, because you know failure is 645 00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:55,320 Speaker 1: there to push you into another direction. Uh so good. 646 00:32:55,560 --> 00:32:57,880 Speaker 1: I could hear her and listen to her say that 647 00:32:57,920 --> 00:33:00,800 Speaker 1: over and over, and I think that just perfectly wraps 648 00:33:00,880 --> 00:33:04,600 Speaker 1: up everything we've been talking about today. So I want 649 00:33:04,600 --> 00:33:07,480 Speaker 1: to end, end, end, because I'm gonna end with that quote, 650 00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:09,720 Speaker 1: but I want to end end with a question for you, 651 00:33:09,840 --> 00:33:12,840 Speaker 1: and it's simply, what would you do? What would your 652 00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:15,280 Speaker 1: life look like? What would be happening if your goal 653 00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:19,080 Speaker 1: was to grow instead of be successful and a failure 654 00:33:19,160 --> 00:33:21,719 Speaker 1: was not a thing, because not getting it right just 655 00:33:21,840 --> 00:33:24,520 Speaker 1: lead you to eventually going out and finding what is 656 00:33:24,560 --> 00:33:27,040 Speaker 1: for you. So I want you to write that down 657 00:33:27,120 --> 00:33:28,960 Speaker 1: and then I'm going to challenge you to go do 658 00:33:29,040 --> 00:33:33,000 Speaker 1: that or do something to work towards that. And y'all, 659 00:33:33,040 --> 00:33:35,400 Speaker 1: that wraps up this week's episode of You Need Therapy. 660 00:33:35,560 --> 00:33:37,760 Speaker 1: I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you got something 661 00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:39,560 Speaker 1: out of it. I know that I love talking about 662 00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:41,720 Speaker 1: this stuff. So I'm going to leave you with that, 663 00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:43,960 Speaker 1: and I hope you guys have the day or the 664 00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:46,600 Speaker 1: week or the hour that you need to have, and 665 00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:49,760 Speaker 1: i'll be back talking to you on Wednesday for couch 666 00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:50,120 Speaker 1: Talks