WEBVTT - “I’M LONELY IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE” 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:03.840 He friend Chris Hello, what's up? Well? 0:00:04.160 --> 0:00:05.520 Hey, what's up man? How you doing? 0:00:05.920 --> 0:00:10.360 Man? I could be better? But I'm living about stuff? 0:00:11.320 --> 0:00:15.040 Yeah, I'm all right? But what what is it? I 0:00:15.080 --> 0:00:18.160 mean ship? I feel like if it's cool with you, 0:00:18.200 --> 0:00:21.360 I don't, I don't mind if we uh get into 0:00:21.400 --> 0:00:25.639 it here. I'm game, I'm game today. What Why could 0:00:25.640 --> 0:00:30.160 you be doing better? Chris Man? 0:00:31.080 --> 0:00:33.840 I just, I just I feel like I have big 0:00:34.000 --> 0:00:38.959 dreams but like little dedication to follow through with them. 0:00:39.440 --> 0:00:40.880 I don't know if that makes any sense? 0:00:42.000 --> 0:00:45.000 Sure that makes sense? What are your What are your dreams? 0:00:45.080 --> 0:00:47.200 Chris Well? 0:00:48.240 --> 0:00:52.960 I want to I want to create music that emotionally, 0:00:54.080 --> 0:00:58.600 that that helps people. I come from a childhood where 0:00:59.400 --> 0:01:01.600 I mean truth told man, all I really had to 0:01:02.160 --> 0:01:06.440 get me through my life was God and music. And 0:01:06.520 --> 0:01:09.120 I mean music. There was a tangible thing for me 0:01:09.200 --> 0:01:11.959 that was always there for me. And like I want to, 0:01:12.200 --> 0:01:14.840 I want to create music that helps people like the 0:01:14.920 --> 0:01:18.840 music I listened to help me. I guess. 0:01:19.440 --> 0:01:21.240 What kind of music was it that helped you? 0:01:23.520 --> 0:01:27.279 I mean different cons? I don't. I don't like okay, 0:01:27.360 --> 0:01:33.000 literally anything from heavy metal, conscious rap, like alternative rock. 0:01:33.200 --> 0:01:34.520 It's just everything. 0:01:36.200 --> 0:01:39.000 Conscious. 0:01:39.120 --> 0:01:43.399 Yeah, you know like like j Cole, Kanye West, stuff 0:01:43.440 --> 0:01:45.440 like that. Mm hm. 0:01:48.000 --> 0:01:50.360 And how how did this music help you? 0:01:53.040 --> 0:01:59.360 Well? It it kind of gave me bear with me. 0:01:59.600 --> 0:02:02.120 It gave me the delusion that I should keep trying, 0:02:02.480 --> 0:02:05.880 even though everything around me told me that I should 0:02:06.040 --> 0:02:06.480 give up. 0:02:07.320 --> 0:02:12.880 To put it politely, Uh, interesting, do you mean just 0:02:12.919 --> 0:02:14.640 you mean give up on like living? 0:02:15.840 --> 0:02:16.080 Yeah? 0:02:17.360 --> 0:02:19.960 What what were the things around you telling you to 0:02:20.000 --> 0:02:20.920 give up on living? 0:02:23.560 --> 0:02:26.040 Well? I mean I'm gonna go deep with me, mister Gick. 0:02:28.440 --> 0:02:34.520 I mean I'm fine with it, Okay. So just to 0:02:34.560 --> 0:02:38.000 give you an idea of my life, one of the 0:02:38.000 --> 0:02:42.280 earliest memories I have is of my dad picking up 0:02:42.280 --> 0:02:44.440 a fan and throwing it at my mom while she 0:02:44.560 --> 0:02:47.000 was in the bast of I was like when I 0:02:47.040 --> 0:02:53.320 was four years old, and like just living in the 0:02:53.400 --> 0:02:57.600 house with a bunch of drug users, living in a 0:02:57.639 --> 0:03:02.840 bunch of chaotic situations. Truth be told, man, I was 0:03:02.840 --> 0:03:05.720 one of I was more so raised than I was 0:03:07.560 --> 0:03:10.680 or not raised. I was grown more than I was raised. 0:03:11.040 --> 0:03:11.120 Like. 0:03:11.520 --> 0:03:16.600 My family provided me the basic necessities, and they, you know, 0:03:16.720 --> 0:03:19.239 gave the mirage to everyone else that was a good 0:03:19.240 --> 0:03:22.760 old happy family. But you know, I'd go to my 0:03:22.880 --> 0:03:25.799 parents like I'd go to my mom's and ask her 0:03:25.880 --> 0:03:28.720 just about anything, and she would always be too busy 0:03:28.919 --> 0:03:32.480 or not right now? Or why are you always asking 0:03:32.560 --> 0:03:37.040 things like this? And I just had very little. I 0:03:37.080 --> 0:03:39.720 have very little emotional support. I guess that's why I 0:03:39.760 --> 0:03:41.560 do appreciate music, because that was one of the few 0:03:41.600 --> 0:03:45.640 things that did emotionally support me, even though I didn't 0:03:45.680 --> 0:03:49.640 know the artists personally. They're one telling me like keep going, 0:03:50.440 --> 0:03:53.440 you know, fight the storm, or you know whatever, stuff 0:03:53.480 --> 0:03:53.800 like that. 0:03:55.720 --> 0:04:00.320 Did you have anyone besides the musicians that were hiding 0:04:00.320 --> 0:04:02.520 you with some kind of guidance or support, Like did 0:04:02.520 --> 0:04:05.600 you have any friends or like fucking like an uncle 0:04:05.680 --> 0:04:06.400 or something like that. 0:04:08.320 --> 0:04:11.600 I had a grandpa. I mean he passed away whenever 0:04:11.640 --> 0:04:17.599 I was fifteen, I think, But I mean really not, 0:04:17.600 --> 0:04:20.560 not really. I was a really annoying kid. I wasn't 0:04:20.600 --> 0:04:23.000 want to be class clown, like I wanted people to 0:04:23.080 --> 0:04:25.680 laugh at the jokes I said. But a lot of 0:04:25.800 --> 0:04:27.760 times if I would have raised my hand in class, 0:04:27.800 --> 0:04:31.440 people would like audibly grown like they just it was 0:04:31.480 --> 0:04:35.680 well known that people didn't like me. I was like, 0:04:36.800 --> 0:04:38.919 I guess a good analogy would be that I was 0:04:38.960 --> 0:04:41.680 always the last kid to get picked to like get 0:04:41.720 --> 0:04:45.640 picked their team sports because it wasn't like I couldn't play, 0:04:45.640 --> 0:04:50.480 It's just they didn't even want me around. But you know, 0:04:50.520 --> 0:04:52.680 I'm at the age now where I realized that the 0:04:52.720 --> 0:04:54.640 reason I was acting like that is because I was 0:04:54.680 --> 0:04:59.440 trying to get I was seeking attention from school, proping 0:04:59.760 --> 0:05:01.800 from the lack of attention I got from home. 0:05:04.200 --> 0:05:09.279 So when you were that kid, were you able to 0:05:09.360 --> 0:05:12.360 make friends with any of the other weird kids, Because 0:05:12.360 --> 0:05:14.400 I feel like there's always like kind of a group 0:05:14.480 --> 0:05:18.640 of like annoying kids that like get together and like 0:05:18.680 --> 0:05:23.520 they can like fucking kind of be annoying amongst one another. 0:05:25.880 --> 0:05:28.280 If I did, it was only at school, and it 0:05:28.320 --> 0:05:31.320 would usually just be the people who would move, like 0:05:31.480 --> 0:05:37.560 moved in from out of town. It's dumb. Yeah, I mean, 0:05:37.680 --> 0:05:40.080 I'm not. I don't want to sit here and like 0:05:40.680 --> 0:05:43.480 say that it's all their fault. Like I understand now 0:05:43.520 --> 0:05:46.599 looking back at it, that was definitely an asshole, annoying kid. 0:05:46.720 --> 0:05:51.200 But it's just I mean, it's it was part of 0:05:51.200 --> 0:05:51.960 my life. You know. 0:05:52.920 --> 0:05:55.880 No, I don't think I don't I don't think you're 0:05:55.880 --> 0:05:58.039 saying that it's anyone else's fault. I don't. I don't 0:05:58.080 --> 0:06:00.640 even think you should say it's your final I mean, 0:06:00.680 --> 0:06:04.440 I don't even think fault is like a thing. It's 0:06:04.440 --> 0:06:06.359 funny listening to you too. I'm gonna be honest, like 0:06:06.360 --> 0:06:09.680 I was probably not that nice of a guy when 0:06:09.720 --> 0:06:14.479 I was in like middle school, elementary school, maybe even 0:06:15.160 --> 0:06:20.520 parts of high school, you know, and uh, I I 0:06:20.560 --> 0:06:24.760 think that just like I don't know, man, being like 0:06:24.760 --> 0:06:26.479 like that, like what I don't Once you get older 0:06:26.520 --> 0:06:29.120 and you kind of start to build start to understand 0:06:29.240 --> 0:06:32.479 that like everyone is the way that they are for 0:06:32.600 --> 0:06:38.360 some reason that I mean, it's for some reason. It's 0:06:38.360 --> 0:06:41.720 like outside of themselves, right, Like you're running around right 0:06:42.279 --> 0:06:45.800 you know, uh, trying to get attention that you're not 0:06:45.920 --> 0:06:54.000 getting at home, and it's like, damn, you know, I 0:06:54.000 --> 0:06:56.320 don't know, man. That's like when I when I died, 0:06:56.360 --> 0:06:58.280 I'm like, those are the things, that's the only that's 0:06:58.320 --> 0:07:00.880 the main thing I'll regret, like times I was like 0:07:00.920 --> 0:07:07.000 a dick or you know, like yeah, especially like in 0:07:07.040 --> 0:07:11.320 those younger years when it's like you got like children 0:07:11.400 --> 0:07:15.520 who have very little empathy just naturally because of the 0:07:15.560 --> 0:07:19.840 fact that they're kids. And then uh, you know, other 0:07:19.920 --> 0:07:23.240 kids who are just trying to fucking figure out how 0:07:23.240 --> 0:07:27.000 to exist and be be seen in some positive light. 0:07:27.520 --> 0:07:29.560 And it's like a recipe for disaster. 0:07:31.480 --> 0:07:34.560 Yeah, I agree. The wait I looked at it now 0:07:34.680 --> 0:07:38.600 is it's it's basically like I just came to the 0:07:38.640 --> 0:07:42.600 realization one day, like if I was born into your body, 0:07:42.840 --> 0:07:45.960 lyle with your parents and your family, I would literally 0:07:46.000 --> 0:07:47.240 be who you are today. 0:07:47.760 --> 0:07:56.440 Yeah, yeah, yes, yeah, I agree. And it's the craziest 0:07:56.600 --> 0:08:01.640 It's it's the one of the most existential mysteries that 0:08:01.760 --> 0:08:04.440 I have can't really wrap my head around, is that 0:08:04.640 --> 0:08:14.280 I there's no reason why I'm me and you're you, 0:08:14.280 --> 0:08:17.240 you know, or like I like, I'll or like you said, 0:08:17.240 --> 0:08:18.760 I I don't know. I'll walk by someone like living 0:08:18.800 --> 0:08:21.200 on the street and I'm like, there's no real there's 0:08:21.280 --> 0:08:26.120 no reason really why I'm me and there them, And 0:08:26.160 --> 0:08:31.040 you could say, like, I don't know. This is now 0:08:31.040 --> 0:08:36.680 we're getting into a conversation about like free will versus determinism, 0:08:37.360 --> 0:08:39.000 But low key I'm a little with you, dude. I'm 0:08:39.080 --> 0:08:41.760 I'm I'm a bit of a determined I'm a It 0:08:41.800 --> 0:08:43.800 doesn't make me feel good to think about and I 0:08:43.840 --> 0:08:46.080 don't think and it doesn't make me feel empowered to 0:08:46.120 --> 0:08:50.840 think about. But I'm a little deterministic, uh as a 0:08:50.880 --> 0:08:53.040 treat sometimes, you know what I mean. 0:08:54.360 --> 0:08:59.640 I argue what you're saying. I think, No, I believe 0:08:59.640 --> 0:09:03.080 in deism, but I think I think it's there's a 0:09:03.120 --> 0:09:07.480 weird blend of free will and determinism. It's almost like 0:09:08.640 --> 0:09:10.959 like you have the you have the ability to make 0:09:11.000 --> 0:09:14.720 whatever choices you want in life, but there's certain things 0:09:14.800 --> 0:09:17.120 that I guess you could say were just destined to 0:09:17.200 --> 0:09:19.000 happen regardless. 0:09:19.960 --> 0:09:23.080 Yeah, I want to see. 0:09:24.520 --> 0:09:27.880 Sorry, no, no, you go ahead, Like like if I 0:09:27.960 --> 0:09:30.320 wanted to right now, I could go and I could 0:09:30.360 --> 0:09:33.680 literally drive across the country and never say anything to 0:09:33.760 --> 0:09:37.880 anybody again. But at the end of the day, is 0:09:37.880 --> 0:09:40.040 it like was that my free will to do it? 0:09:40.280 --> 0:09:42.880 Or was I always going to do it? I just 0:09:42.960 --> 0:09:44.240 chose to do it today. 0:09:46.920 --> 0:09:48.840 Yeah, And then well then you can get into the 0:09:48.840 --> 0:09:55.160 thing of like, well, whatever way that you were raised 0:09:55.240 --> 0:09:59.240 in your environment and the the neurons and whatever the 0:09:59.520 --> 0:10:01.480 I don't want to nern is and why I'm saying it, 0:10:01.520 --> 0:10:04.800 but whatever the thing is that makes you you you 0:10:04.880 --> 0:10:08.600 and your personality, Like how much of that ship like 0:10:08.600 --> 0:10:13.240 like there are certain things within you that are giving 0:10:13.280 --> 0:10:17.680 you the hesitation to just drop everything and move across 0:10:17.679 --> 0:10:20.880 the country, or how much of that is your free 0:10:20.960 --> 0:10:27.160 will versus just you following how you're naturally inclined, Like, uh, 0:10:28.040 --> 0:10:29.760 that's why I don't like when people say stuff like 0:10:31.200 --> 0:10:36.839 doing things out of character, because everything everyone does is 0:10:36.920 --> 0:10:41.160 within their character because they did it, I guess. But 0:10:41.160 --> 0:10:50.280 also your character can hold a variety of competing things. 0:10:50.400 --> 0:10:54.600 But I kind of tapping into something that I've been 0:10:54.600 --> 0:10:59.920 thinking about a lot lately, Like I like reading people. 0:11:00.280 --> 0:11:01.800 I guess I don't really have. It's kind of a 0:11:01.840 --> 0:11:04.480 subconscious thing. I guess everyone does, but I do it 0:11:04.559 --> 0:11:08.120 a lot like I read people, And I've come to 0:11:08.160 --> 0:11:10.439 realize that a lot of people put on a social 0:11:10.480 --> 0:11:14.000 facade because they don't want to seem quote unquote weird. 0:11:15.040 --> 0:11:18.880 But if you like, look at every human being there is, 0:11:18.960 --> 0:11:22.560 We're we're all fucking weird. Like we all have weird shit. 0:11:22.679 --> 0:11:25.000 We do we it's just some of us are better 0:11:25.040 --> 0:11:28.880 at hiding it than others. Kind of a question I've 0:11:28.920 --> 0:11:32.160 been pondering on lately, like what is normal? You know, 0:11:32.360 --> 0:11:35.880 Like we were all raised to act normal, but we 0:11:35.880 --> 0:11:38.480 were all raised differently too, so we all have different 0:11:38.520 --> 0:11:43.240 standards of normal. So by default, by having different standards 0:11:43.280 --> 0:11:45.800 of normal, we're all kind of weird just in that 0:11:45.920 --> 0:11:49.080 one idea lit alone by the things we say and 0:11:49.160 --> 0:11:52.120 do and our normalisms and all that stuff. 0:11:53.320 --> 0:11:57.520 I agree with you, No, I think i'bout that shit too. Somebody, uh, 0:11:58.040 --> 0:12:00.040 somebody asked me the other day if I think that 0:12:00.080 --> 0:12:04.079 they're weird, and I told them that I can't really 0:12:04.080 --> 0:12:06.800 answer that question because I think that I don't really 0:12:06.800 --> 0:12:11.200 believe in like you're saying, any kind of like objective 0:12:14.760 --> 0:12:21.320 baseline of normality. I guess there's like societally, there's like 0:12:21.400 --> 0:12:27.600 a societally, there's a societal consensus of normality, and I 0:12:27.600 --> 0:12:33.720 guess you can kinda determine what that societal consensus of 0:12:33.760 --> 0:12:37.880 normality is and then what breaking away from it would be. 0:12:38.440 --> 0:12:39.920 But there's no I don't even think there's like a 0:12:39.960 --> 0:12:44.520 global sense of normality, right because whatever what's normal in 0:12:44.600 --> 0:12:49.720 America is not normal in fucking North Korea. What's normal 0:12:50.800 --> 0:12:53.079 at your house growing up is different from what's normal 0:12:53.080 --> 0:12:57.079 a mind like it's there's too many And also we 0:12:57.120 --> 0:13:00.440 don't we don't live in the consent since we just 0:13:00.440 --> 0:13:03.959 live in our own fucking world. So no, I agree 0:13:04.000 --> 0:13:06.160 with you. It's weird. It's one of those it's one 0:13:06.160 --> 0:13:08.240 of those like an existential thoughts that makes me feel 0:13:08.280 --> 0:13:13.880 like I can't grasp on to anything, right. I guess 0:13:13.960 --> 0:13:18.400 the only the antidote to it seems to me to 0:13:18.559 --> 0:13:26.800 be to kind of define your own baseline of normality, 0:13:27.600 --> 0:13:29.760 and maybe that's a little bit where your free will 0:13:29.800 --> 0:13:30.400 can kick in. 0:13:32.440 --> 0:13:37.200 For me, it's like being that recognized that a lot 0:13:37.240 --> 0:13:39.080 of people put on an act, and I saw it 0:13:39.600 --> 0:13:42.040 that the way to kind of ground me is just 0:13:42.080 --> 0:13:45.400 to literally be me and to not really give a 0:13:45.440 --> 0:13:48.280 fuck about what people think about me. I mean, obviously 0:13:49.679 --> 0:13:52.679 I do care about what people think about me on 0:13:52.679 --> 0:13:55.680 some deep level, but I also have like this switch 0:13:55.720 --> 0:13:58.320 in my mind where I can go from where I 0:13:58.440 --> 0:14:01.960 like deeply care in all like like what's the word 0:14:02.040 --> 0:14:07.560 called like rumin this, I think that's ruminate. I'll ruminate 0:14:07.720 --> 0:14:11.880 over a conversation. But then like once I've reached a 0:14:11.880 --> 0:14:15.000 certain point with some people or when I realized they're 0:14:15.040 --> 0:14:18.679 being like extra, I just I can I can shut 0:14:18.760 --> 0:14:21.520 off that part of my mind. And it's kind of 0:14:21.560 --> 0:14:24.200 just like you know, I'm me, and if you don't 0:14:24.320 --> 0:14:26.480 like me, then that must mean we weren't meant to 0:14:26.480 --> 0:14:28.640 be friends. So I hope you have a good life. 0:14:29.000 --> 0:14:33.080 Yeah, totally. And dude and dude people, I've I've thought 0:14:33.200 --> 0:14:41.360 this my whole fucking life. Is that people will cling 0:14:42.200 --> 0:14:50.320 deeply to like societal baselines of normality in terms of 0:14:51.920 --> 0:14:59.360 how holding to them makes them somehow like objectively better 0:14:59.480 --> 0:15:03.160 than you, you know, And then they'll kind of like 0:15:04.200 --> 0:15:09.640 want you to like be at their level, not even consciously, 0:15:10.440 --> 0:15:12.640 just like while you're talking to someone, like maybe your 0:15:12.680 --> 0:15:15.720 brain will be like, oh am I cool enough to 0:15:15.720 --> 0:15:18.600 be with this person because they're like so cool because 0:15:18.600 --> 0:15:21.920 of this that and the other reason that we've elected 0:15:23.040 --> 0:15:26.680 is cool or worthy. You're valid, Like is my existence 0:15:26.720 --> 0:15:29.480 compared to this person's existence like valid? 0:15:30.200 --> 0:15:34.120 You know. But I've noticed that from where I'm at. 0:15:34.320 --> 0:15:39.320 I live in small town, USA, down south. I didn't 0:15:39.360 --> 0:15:41.760 I never really noticed it as a kid, but one 0:15:41.800 --> 0:15:44.240 of my I used to talk to him. We're not 0:15:44.280 --> 0:15:48.560 really friends anymore. He it's an old best random mine. 0:15:48.600 --> 0:15:51.040 He comes from like a wealthier family, and he broke 0:15:51.080 --> 0:15:53.000 you down to me one day, him and a few 0:15:53.000 --> 0:15:56.960 other people there really is like a class, a social 0:15:57.080 --> 0:16:01.240 class system, especially with people who were like I guess 0:16:01.280 --> 0:16:04.280 you want to call them old money. Like there's people 0:16:04.360 --> 0:16:06.880 where if you don't, if you're not in their presence 0:16:06.880 --> 0:16:09.640 with a suit and tie, they automatically look down on you, 0:16:10.240 --> 0:16:15.280 mm hmm, And it's yeah, that's that's kind of Those 0:16:15.280 --> 0:16:17.320 are the people I don't play too, Like, I don't. 0:16:17.640 --> 0:16:19.400 I couldn't give a ship what they think about me, 0:16:19.440 --> 0:16:22.560 because they're going to think what they think about me regardless. 0:16:23.040 --> 0:16:28.600 Well, yeah, you don't have to. They don't. The the 0:16:28.600 --> 0:16:35.800 the the universe, there's the universe has no like judge, 0:16:35.880 --> 0:16:40.880 jury and executioner on like validity. You know, So like 0:16:40.960 --> 0:16:44.680 if a guy and his friends and whatever have decided 0:16:44.720 --> 0:16:51.360 that your uh validity or worth is based upon your 0:16:53.040 --> 0:16:55.800 whether or not you're wearing a fucking suit or whatever, 0:16:56.440 --> 0:16:58.800 then you know, I mean, God bless I mean, look, 0:16:58.800 --> 0:17:01.400 God bless them. Right, can live in their universe and 0:17:01.880 --> 0:17:04.879 be happy in that universe, and that's their universe, but 0:17:04.920 --> 0:17:10.399 you don't have to like ruminate on your relation to 0:17:10.480 --> 0:17:12.000 that universe, you know. 0:17:13.280 --> 0:17:16.880 But I think the thing the people are usually only 0:17:17.000 --> 0:17:20.200 roommate on are people I genuinely care about. 0:17:20.720 --> 0:17:21.359 Yeah, of course. 0:17:23.880 --> 0:17:26.080 But I guess that's part of the reason why I 0:17:26.119 --> 0:17:29.679 was common, because I, like, I don't really have that 0:17:29.840 --> 0:17:33.119 many people I could consider friends here. Lately, I've got 0:17:33.280 --> 0:17:36.480 a lot of older people who are you know, we're friends. 0:17:36.520 --> 0:17:39.000 But it's not like I can go out and have 0:17:39.040 --> 0:17:40.879 a couple of drinks with them and go to the 0:17:40.920 --> 0:17:44.080 beach and hang out. It's more like I see them 0:17:44.080 --> 0:17:47.400 on occasion, they get the inspiration, and then we talk 0:17:47.520 --> 0:17:48.280 every now and then. 0:17:48.680 --> 0:17:50.040 Wait, hold on, man, how old are you. 0:17:51.440 --> 0:17:52.440 I'm twenty four. 0:17:52.960 --> 0:17:56.480 Oh okay, I thought you were like like nineteen or something. 0:17:58.160 --> 0:18:00.719 Oh no, said no. I thought, I guess I was. 0:18:00.800 --> 0:18:01.320 I was you. 0:18:01.480 --> 0:18:04.760 I was interpreting that you were saying that you can't drink. 0:18:06.720 --> 0:18:12.040 No, yeah, no I can't. I just mean, like, like, 0:18:12.119 --> 0:18:15.720 I genuinely that the people I have around me that 0:18:15.760 --> 0:18:18.719 are my age go to a church that I go to, 0:18:19.440 --> 0:18:22.840 and they it's a part of it's it's kind of 0:18:22.840 --> 0:18:25.000 when I brought that class system because I noticed it 0:18:25.040 --> 0:18:29.440 with them, like they come from not a more fortunate 0:18:29.640 --> 0:18:34.240 like not like rich household, but a more fortunate household 0:18:34.280 --> 0:18:37.119 than me. I guess the way I could put it 0:18:37.200 --> 0:18:40.560 is like preppy, white kids, Like they act nice to 0:18:40.640 --> 0:18:43.440 my face, but I can read it, like I can 0:18:43.480 --> 0:18:46.159 read from their body the whole time. They're just talking 0:18:46.200 --> 0:18:50.240 to me to be polite. And I've I've noticed that 0:18:50.280 --> 0:18:54.000 with a lot of people my age as well. There's 0:18:54.040 --> 0:18:56.240 some who kind of stand out. But I feel like 0:18:56.359 --> 0:18:59.000 my honesty kind of drows those people away because I 0:18:59.040 --> 0:19:02.000 can be I'm trying to hold it back now, but 0:19:02.040 --> 0:19:04.480 I could be a pretty fucking open book with people, 0:19:04.520 --> 0:19:06.680 and I know it makes them uncomfortable. 0:19:07.600 --> 0:19:11.040 Okay, So when you say your honestly drives people away, 0:19:11.240 --> 0:19:12.920 what I mean, what does that? How does that play out? 0:19:12.960 --> 0:19:14.320 What does that look like? 0:19:14.320 --> 0:19:16.960 Like we'll sit there and talk and you know, they'll 0:19:16.960 --> 0:19:19.480 tell me about some issues that they've had, and I, 0:19:19.720 --> 0:19:22.160 you know, we'll talk about it, and then I'll bring 0:19:22.240 --> 0:19:25.800 up some issues I've had and it's I don't know, 0:19:25.880 --> 0:19:30.640 it's it feels like they don't know how to talk 0:19:30.680 --> 0:19:33.399 to me because they think that I think differently than 0:19:33.440 --> 0:19:36.600 them because I came from a different background than them. 0:19:37.280 --> 0:19:39.879 Like I'm trying to remember a conversation I had with 0:19:39.920 --> 0:19:41.040 this guy one time. 0:19:40.840 --> 0:19:48.600 But the the theme of the conversation was basically, yeah, 0:19:48.680 --> 0:19:52.919 you've had a harder life that must stuck then, and 0:19:52.960 --> 0:19:55.640 he was like, in a way apologizing that he still 0:19:55.680 --> 0:19:56.679 lived with his family. 0:19:58.680 --> 0:20:00.760 I don't know if that makes any sense, but I mean, 0:20:00.800 --> 0:20:02.639 I live on my own. I've been living on my 0:20:02.640 --> 0:20:03.560 own since eighteen. 0:20:03.800 --> 0:20:10.040 But you mean like he felt he felt like guilty here, yeah, 0:20:10.080 --> 0:20:13.720 yeh yeah yeah, Okay, that's a good way of putting it. 0:20:14.760 --> 0:20:19.640 Okay, I think there's that, and plus my eighty HDA 0:20:19.680 --> 0:20:22.919 can to take over and like I could say, like 0:20:23.040 --> 0:20:25.280 one example was with a guy who I guess we're 0:20:25.320 --> 0:20:28.760 still considered friends, but more so friends that he talked 0:20:28.760 --> 0:20:34.439 to every four or five months. He introduced me to 0:20:34.520 --> 0:20:37.800 his girlfriend, and he made the mistake of saying, bro, 0:20:37.920 --> 0:20:41.320 don't worry how you talk around her. You know, he's 0:20:41.320 --> 0:20:44.240 a teacher. She's like one of the bros. And so 0:20:44.840 --> 0:20:46.720 you know, I was talking to her like she was 0:20:46.760 --> 0:20:49.920 one of the bros. And ever since then, I you know, 0:20:49.960 --> 0:20:52.920 it went from me and him talking every month and 0:20:53.000 --> 0:20:55.119 him going out with me to he'll stop by and 0:20:55.160 --> 0:20:56.480 say hello every now and then. 0:21:08.040 --> 0:21:15.480 What were you What were you saying? What were you saying? Uh? 0:21:15.560 --> 0:21:19.320 Where You're like, okay, yeah, she's one of the bros. 0:21:19.359 --> 0:21:21.240 We can just like, what were you saying? 0:21:22.560 --> 0:21:24.880 Well, me and him were running around their golf cart 0:21:24.920 --> 0:21:28.199 in our town one day, and there's this specific alley 0:21:28.200 --> 0:21:30.560 in my town where I've lived a lot of crazy 0:21:30.720 --> 0:21:36.000 fucking parts of my life, and one in particular. Just 0:21:36.040 --> 0:21:38.120 tell me if I need to stop, because I don't 0:21:38.119 --> 0:21:44.359 know if it's appropriate or not, but I was. Let's 0:21:44.359 --> 0:21:47.120 just say, I was over at my stepmom's friend's house 0:21:47.520 --> 0:21:50.760 and this random lady comes in, and after she comes in, 0:21:50.920 --> 0:21:53.520 my stepmom and her friend go to the store. Let 0:21:53.520 --> 0:21:57.959 her go walk into the store, and within five minutes 0:21:58.000 --> 0:22:01.159 of meeting the lady, she is giving me oral sex 0:22:01.240 --> 0:22:06.879 on the couch of my stepmam's friends. But I told, 0:22:07.320 --> 0:22:09.280 I told it, you know, I told him and his 0:22:09.400 --> 0:22:12.240 girl that while we're going down the road, and I 0:22:12.400 --> 0:22:14.159 was sing it because it makes me laugh when I 0:22:14.160 --> 0:22:16.800 think about it, because it's it's fucking crazy like that 0:22:16.880 --> 0:22:17.639 whole situation. 0:22:17.800 --> 0:22:21.920 Wait, hold on, okay, all right, all right, I'm gonna 0:22:21.920 --> 0:22:24.800 put a I'm truly going to put a pen in 0:22:26.160 --> 0:22:32.119 the girlfriend's response to this story. But first of all, 0:22:32.119 --> 0:22:36.400 I don't understand this story. Okay, as far as I'm 0:22:36.400 --> 0:22:38.760 as far as I know, this story is a random 0:22:38.920 --> 0:22:42.920 lady comes into your house and gives you a blowjob. 0:22:44.280 --> 0:22:49.720 Okay, I moved. I'm gonna kind of I'm trying to 0:22:49.760 --> 0:22:55.440 be quick, but I start from ground zero. I had 0:22:55.440 --> 0:22:58.439 to move to Florida for a little bit, and I 0:22:58.560 --> 0:23:03.040 moved back from and within two days I'm moving up. 0:23:03.320 --> 0:23:06.040 My dad and my stepmom got into this huge argument. 0:23:06.359 --> 0:23:08.879 It was like physical and all that. I had to 0:23:08.920 --> 0:23:12.280 call the cops on them. He ended up leaving and 0:23:12.320 --> 0:23:15.200 I didn't want to stay at the house because I 0:23:15.280 --> 0:23:18.080 was tired of his bullshit. So I went with my 0:23:18.160 --> 0:23:22.800 step mom and we went to her friend's house. And 0:23:24.160 --> 0:23:26.200 it was like the second day I was there. I 0:23:26.280 --> 0:23:29.240 had smoked weed for the first time in like two years, 0:23:30.000 --> 0:23:34.880 and we're hanging out out of nowhere. You know. We're 0:23:34.920 --> 0:23:38.879 at my stepmom's friend's house, all right. Their friend comes 0:23:38.920 --> 0:23:42.400 over and starts talking with them and says a bunch 0:23:42.440 --> 0:23:46.479 of stuff. But my stepmom and her friend who owns 0:23:46.480 --> 0:23:48.639 the house, went to go to the gas station. 0:23:49.520 --> 0:23:53.440 Okay, so your stepmom's friend's friend is over and you're 0:23:53.520 --> 0:24:00.560 staying over at the stepmom's friend's house. R Okay, So. 0:24:01.560 --> 0:24:03.679 When they go to the gas station, It's just me 0:24:04.040 --> 0:24:06.280 and this lady who just walked in, so I've never 0:24:06.359 --> 0:24:10.359 met before in my life. We're watching TV and she 0:24:10.440 --> 0:24:13.399 goes on her Facebook and pulls up a photo of 0:24:13.440 --> 0:24:16.840 a younger version of her. Give him one. I'm high, 0:24:16.880 --> 0:24:19.639 like hi, shit, like I ain't smoke weed in years. 0:24:19.720 --> 0:24:23.280 That's first like high as fucked. She she shows me 0:24:23.320 --> 0:24:27.040 the picture, She's like, don't you think she's cute? And 0:24:27.520 --> 0:24:29.359 you know I wasn't. I mean, what the fuck el 0:24:29.359 --> 0:24:31.440 was am I supposed to say? I said, yeah, she's cute. 0:24:33.320 --> 0:24:36.000 One thing led to another brother and her. 0:24:42.440 --> 0:24:46.760 This lady just randomly is giving like what like what 0:24:46.880 --> 0:24:47.880 happened afterwards? 0:24:49.480 --> 0:24:51.520 So she shold me her thing on her Facebook. It 0:24:51.560 --> 0:24:54.000 was a younger picture of her. If she told me 0:24:54.040 --> 0:24:56.639 it was her, and then all the blue she was 0:24:56.800 --> 0:24:59.479