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Speaker 1: It's the radio segment that teamed up with Ryan Reynolds

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Speaker 1: to help get you through the holidays with aviation gin

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Speaker 1: infused maple syrup, I smother ear pancakes and sweet sticky booze,

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Speaker 1: so your relatives will never know that you're getting plastered

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Speaker 1: at eight am on Christmas Day. My pancakes. It's like,

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Speaker 1: please don't give it to your children on accidents. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's all by your five gallon jugs. Today with Laser

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Speaker 1: Stories five gallon, you're gonna need it. The segment where

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Speaker 1: we read weird news stories around the globe, just like

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Speaker 1: everyone else does, except we've got a laser and there's

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Speaker 1: other breakfast batties just gone. This first laser story is

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Speaker 1: out of Los Angeles. A ninety three year old woman

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Speaker 1: named maud Roscotter had been hearing what she thought was

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Speaker 1: animals under her house for weeks, so she told her

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Speaker 1: neighbors it sounded like knocking and grunting, theorizing it was

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Speaker 1: a family of squirrels or two raccoons getting it on

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Speaker 1: when she put her ear to the floor to listen. Weird.

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Speaker 1: But she was wrong, and we know that because one

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Speaker 1: night she was walking across her floor when she heard

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Speaker 1: a knock happen every time she stepped, as if someone

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Speaker 1: was trying to mess with him. Oh, it was perfect

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Speaker 1: timing every time. So that's when the cops were called

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Speaker 1: and they found a naked man living beneath her house.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, where are the squirrels? It was twenty

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Speaker 1: seven year old Isaac Bettencourt, who'd been in her two

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Speaker 1: foot crawl space for six months. Oh my god, and

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Speaker 1: was so happy there. He told officers he refused to leave.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, why here he have clothes on. The

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Speaker 1: cops threatened him with sending the dogs in, but Isaac

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Speaker 1: didn't care. He even said the pups could come live

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Speaker 1: with him. Then deputies brought out the tear gas and

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Speaker 1: he still didn't budge until the third round, when Isaac

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Speaker 1: finally surrendered and was taken to jail. Everything. Sorry, officers

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Speaker 1: already crying in here. Yeah, thanks, I didn't have electricity before.

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Speaker 1: I'm just saying he should have been paying rent. As

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Speaker 1: for Maud, she says she plans on boarding up the

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Speaker 1: entrance to the two foot crawl space in the next

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Speaker 1: few days with a sign over it that says naked

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Speaker 1: dudes aren't welcome. The exact opposite of the sign outside

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Speaker 1: of Brooks House. Yeah, still don't have one living under

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Speaker 1: my house yet though. Yeah, come on, gentlemen, the door

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Speaker 1: open every day. Going to the house your pants. This

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Speaker 1: next laser story is out of Peru. Most people would

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Speaker 1: freak out if they found one spider crawling on them,

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Speaker 1: but most people aren't twenty eight year old Taylee because

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Speaker 1: he was just busted smuggling three hundred and twenty tarantulas

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Speaker 1: all strapped to his body. He's like an actual mama spider. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: like that just gave me the shiver. Wild they all

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Speaker 1: had better down. Tay was stopped at an airport in

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Speaker 1: Lima when she's noticed his stomach area looked bulky. Okay,

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Speaker 1: that's judging all right, listen at on vacation. He also

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Speaker 1: appeared very nervous, according to authorities. A search quickly revealed

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Speaker 1: hundreds and hundreds of spiders strapped to his afternoon the

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Speaker 1: belly button. Dude, if I was a TSA officer, I'd

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Speaker 1: be like, Nope, Nope, not dealing act, not dealing with it.

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Speaker 1: They were confiscated and Tay was arrested. And if you're wondering,

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Speaker 1: Peru is not the only country in South America facing

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Speaker 1: problems with wildlife trafficking. Earlier this year, Columbian authorities seized

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Speaker 1: at least two hundred and thirty two tarantulas, sixty seven cockroaches,

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Speaker 1: nine spider eggs, and a scorpion with seven of its

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Speaker 1: young hidden, all inside a woman's suitcase. Oh my gosh.

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Speaker 1: She claimed that she forgot a half eaten sandwich was inside,

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Speaker 1: so she suspected they all crawled in for a bike,

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Speaker 1: crawled into the exactly, yes, the spider eggs crawled into

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Speaker 1: the suitcase. They really like a tuna fish sandwich. You know.

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Speaker 1: Authorities did not buy her reasoning and she was arrested

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Speaker 1: as well. Okay, this next laser stories out of Cool

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Speaker 1: treat Central Dairy Queen has a new blizzard flavor and

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Speaker 1: for some huge fans, they say they're completely heartbroken that

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Speaker 1: it's only available in the state of Ohio. You may

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Speaker 1: understand their devastation when learning the name, which is the

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Speaker 1: Golden Oreo Confetti Blizzard double or here's a photos are

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Speaker 1: so good? Why have we not been using these in

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Speaker 1: ice cream? To be Yeah, and it looks like food

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Speaker 1: bloggers took to Instagram in droves with one writing this

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Speaker 1: testing location thing is not acceptable. Regardless, the special Blizzard

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Speaker 1: has been spotted in several Dairy Queen locations across the

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Speaker 1: state of Ohio, with many fans in agreement that it

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Speaker 1: needs to be launched nationwide. I both want to buy

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Speaker 1: it right now? Can we do it with the Have

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Speaker 1: you had the lemon oreos? They're so Another person wrote,

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Speaker 1: if Ohio screws up the blizzard test, I will never

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Speaker 1: step to the next state again. So will it go

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Speaker 1: nationwide someday? Floridians have already launched a GoFundMe to be

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Speaker 1: state number two. Okay, Dairy Queen's response, it doesn't work

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Speaker 1: that way, Florida, But hey, keep up the good work.

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Speaker 1: Let's go to your next laser story. Out of India,

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Speaker 1: there's a popular food delivery service in New Delhi called Zomato,

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Speaker 1: and they made the news recently because their CEO was

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Speaker 1: hiring a chief of staff for social media. But there

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Speaker 1: is a catch. For the entire first year, the new

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Speaker 1: social media person would have to pay Zomato twenty four

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Speaker 1: thousand dollars just for the opportunity you jump. Wait, who

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Speaker 1: you got to pay to do work for them? I

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Speaker 1: know it's reverse from most jobs where they pay you

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Speaker 1: to do work. Yeah, like, don't take that job if

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Speaker 1: you have to pay to do it. True. Anyway, post

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Speaker 1: sparked big backlash immediately, with tens of thousands of shares

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Speaker 1: and very angry comments. At first, the CEO defended it,

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Speaker 1: saying anyone interested should have to pay. It's ten times

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Speaker 1: better than any college business course. He's taking it like, Oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm the University of Life, folks. Yeah, I will teach

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Speaker 1: you and guarantee your success. In the end, he did

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Speaker 1: come clean and said it was all just a big joke.

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Speaker 1: Oh really it really was. Yeah, exactly because nobody Yeah exactly. No,

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Speaker 1: it's not true. There were eighteen thousand applicants to the

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Speaker 1: position in just twenty four hours. That's while. Isn't that crazy?

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Speaker 1: If I was the CEO, a't hire them all? That's

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Speaker 1: a lot of money. And speaking of odd transactions, I'll

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Speaker 1: tell you no money was exchanged during this encounter. That's good,

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Speaker 1: although there was an exchange of something else. True, and

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Speaker 1: that sound means Laser Stories has come to an end

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Speaker 1: for the day. We'll do it again at the same

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Speaker 1: time on Wednesday,