Speaker 1: Pushkin. When we think about the factors that affect our happiness,
Speaker 1: we often focus on the big stuff, things like finding
Speaker 1: the perfect relationship or doing work that gives us a
Speaker 1: sense of purpose. But we often forget that the little
Speaker 1: things can matter a lot too. A well timed joke,
Speaker 1: a touching song lyric, and especially a memorable quote. These
Speaker 1: are the sorts of things that can instantly lift our
Speaker 1: spirits and even help us tackle tough problems. And there
Speaker 1: are a few people who understand that better than this
Speaker 1: episode's special guest.
Speaker 2: So I'm Gretchen Rubin. I am so happy to be
Speaker 2: talking to you today.
Speaker 1: Gretchen is a best selling author, the acclaimed host of
Speaker 1: the podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin, and one of my
Speaker 1: favorite experts on the nuances of human nature. Gretchen has
Speaker 1: just released a new book entitled Secrets of Adulthood. In it,
Speaker 1: Gretchen offers a reader's practical insights for navigating the daily
Speaker 1: challenges that come with being a functional grown up in
Speaker 1: the modern world. But Krutchen manages to share these helpful
Speaker 1: insights in a truly creative way. She distills more than
Speaker 1: two hundred complex life lessons into short concise aphorisms, short
Speaker 1: punchy sayings that managed to pack a whole lot of
Speaker 1: wisdom into just a few words. So tell me the
Speaker 1: origin story of this book, because it seemed like it
Speaker 1: had a few threats of how you got to it exactly.
Speaker 2: There were a couple of things that came together. One is,
Speaker 2: I am a writer, and I do feel it sometimes
Speaker 2: an idea, maybe just one sentence, will cross our path
Speaker 2: and suddenly we see the way forward, or suddenly we
Speaker 2: have insight into a situation in a way that's really illuminating.
Speaker 2: And I had really been pushing myself over the years
Speaker 2: to write aphoristically, meaning trying to convey big ideas in
Speaker 2: a short sentence. And then also I was feeling like, Okay,
Speaker 2: there are these insights that I'm gaining, and I wanted
Speaker 2: to be able to share them with other people. So
Speaker 2: I really set myself the aim of trying to write
Speaker 2: these and gather these.
Speaker 1: But you did this in the form of these aphorisms.
Speaker 1: So what is an aphorism?
Speaker 2: We all know proverbs, and a proverb is like a
Speaker 2: piece of folk wisdom, like a stumble may prevent a fall,
Speaker 2: like nobody's associated with that. That's just like a thing
Speaker 2: we all say, and then an aphorism is when somebody
Speaker 2: says something like Mark Twain said it, Marcus Aurelius or Montaigne.
Speaker 2: One of the biggest challenges is pronouncing everybody's name.
Speaker 3: Lily is cirrus all that.
Speaker 2: My own favorite afforts is Marie von Ivna Eschenbach, who
Speaker 2: nobody else remembers. But I'm going to try to bring
Speaker 2: her back into fashion because I love hers so Like
Speaker 2: one of her aphorisms that I love is you can
Speaker 2: fall so fast you think you're flying.
Speaker 3: That's like right, it's like whoa.
Speaker 2: But so she said that, So that's an aphorism because
Speaker 2: we attribute that to her she said it in that way. Now,
Speaker 2: one of the things about affortism, and you know this
Speaker 2: from studying happiness, all of the most important insights are
Speaker 2: too important to be true. If there's some fresh insight,
Speaker 2: you're like, that's probably wrong because we've been studying this
Speaker 2: for thousands of years, great minds in history.
Speaker 3: I've been looking at this.
Speaker 2: But people say it in a fresh way, or they
Speaker 2: have a new metaphor, or they say it in a
Speaker 2: way that particularly resonates with a particular person. So a
Speaker 2: lot of times it's finding that fresh way to convey
Speaker 2: an insight.
Speaker 3: It's creatively exciting.
Speaker 2: You know, It's like writing a haikup or doing a
Speaker 2: thirty minute sitcom. It sparks your creativity to have a constraint,
Speaker 2: and it also really forced my thinking to clarify. First
Speaker 2: I had to understand it, then I had to whittle
Speaker 2: it down. So it was very creatively interesting in that way.
Speaker 2: And I wanted ones that were truly secrets of adulthood
Speaker 2: where I felt like there was some insight about like
Speaker 2: making a decision or ending procrastination, or dealing with relationships.
Speaker 2: And then there were some that I just couldn't manage
Speaker 2: to articulate in an interesting short way, and so some
Speaker 2: I wasn't able to crack the code. But in the
Speaker 2: end I was really there was sort of a clear
Speaker 2: set that I felt really rose to the level that
Speaker 2: I wanted the book to be. But I still look
Speaker 2: at all the other ones too. I'm always like going
Speaker 2: in there and tickering with them.
Speaker 1: I feel like there's room for a challenge of one
Speaker 1: you couldn't get the right words for. We had to
Speaker 1: post it online and see if somebody can come up
Speaker 1: with a good short saying.
Speaker 2: For Oh, that's a good idea, like.
Speaker 3: Say this in a more elegant way. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 3: yeah yeah.
Speaker 2: I should go through and look for some of my
Speaker 2: clunkers and see if somebody can crack it.
Speaker 1: As you're talking about this, it seems like aphorisms are
Speaker 1: really cool, Like it seems like the kind of thing
Speaker 1: we might see like as a little Pinterest meme. Yes,
Speaker 1: but it also feels kind of like old school, Yes,
Speaker 1: Afrist you mentioned feel like they were around in the
Speaker 1: ancient times, Like if you're one of the only people
Speaker 1: I know who's writing aphorisms today and so am I wrong?
Speaker 1: Are they kind of old school? You're bringing them back?
Speaker 1: Like what's the goal? A little bit of both.
Speaker 2: There are modern aphorsts like Sarah Manguso who's writing today,
Speaker 2: and there are some other ones. Warren Buffett is a
Speaker 2: great aphorist, But you're right, it's a very ancient form
Speaker 2: that stretches back. And it's funny because on the one hand,
Speaker 2: you're like, oh, this short formerly lends itself to something
Speaker 2: like Instagram, But on the other hand, they really kind
Speaker 2: of take a lot of thought often and so kind
Speaker 2: of their worst form, they're like the inspirational poster you
Speaker 2: see a dentist office, and then the best they're ones
Speaker 2: where you're really, you know, pondering. I feel like they're
Speaker 2: really advantages because they're short and they're sort of memorable.
Speaker 2: They're easier to draw into the mind because you know,
Speaker 2: a lot of times we just don't think of the
Speaker 2: things that would be useful for us to remember. So
Speaker 2: when it's easier to think about or remember, or like
Speaker 2: you put it on an index card and stick it
Speaker 2: on your corkboard or whatever, it just can have more power.
Speaker 2: And so I do think it's fun that they lend
Speaker 2: themselves short form, but they are often kind of weightier
Speaker 2: than they seem, or you know, they need some reflection.
Speaker 1: One of the things I found kind of surprising was
Speaker 1: how many of the aphorisms in your book are actually
Speaker 1: paradoxes in their own way. They kind of like tell
Speaker 1: you both things at once, which I was like, huh,
Speaker 1: Like they're kind of philosophically deeper than I was sort
Speaker 1: of expecting.
Speaker 2: No, I'm very I have a whole section just on paradoxes,
Speaker 2: and a lot of times the opposite of a profound
Speaker 2: truth is also true, and paradoxes are interesting because they
Speaker 2: really make us step back, they surprise us, Like I
Speaker 2: think one of my favorite book titles of all time
Speaker 2: is All Joy and No Fun, which is Jennifer Senior's
Speaker 2: book about parenting. It just makes you step back and
Speaker 2: think like, Wow, what does she mean by that? And
Speaker 2: then you're immediately full of ideas of your own and
Speaker 2: then kind of wanting to know what she's saying about it,
Speaker 2: because that paradox is so compelling.
Speaker 1: I think also the confusion and the surprise of those
Speaker 1: paradoxes gets us to reflect a little bit more, like, Yeah,
Speaker 1: so these short statements, but I found myself, even after
Speaker 1: reading your book, walking around with some of them and
Speaker 1: like thinking about them a little bit more instead.
Speaker 2: Of because some of these I think people will disagree
Speaker 2: with and that's okay, because again, it's to prompt your
Speaker 2: own reflection and your own insight.
Speaker 1: And so you've collected a whole set of these for
Speaker 1: problems as diverse as feeling happier, making tough decisions, handling temptations,
Speaker 1: even housekeeping. And when we get back from the break,
Speaker 1: I'm going to chat with you about my top twelve
Speaker 1: from your book.
Speaker 3: I cannot wait.
Speaker 1: Author Podcaster and happiness expert Gretchen Rubin has a gift
Speaker 1: for crafting clever aphorisms, short powerful sayings that capture life's
Speaker 1: truths in a memorable way. Per new book, Secrets of
Speaker 1: Adulthood is packed with these insightful one liners. And today
Speaker 1: we're diving into my top twelve. My first of my
Speaker 1: favorite twelve aphorisms in the book is one that's about happiness.
Speaker 1: It is the aphorism happiness doesn't always make us feel happy.
Speaker 2: Okay, so you're the perfect person to talk about this
Speaker 2: because you approach the scientifically. Now, approaching the scientifically, you
Speaker 2: cannot say that, because you have to say I have
Speaker 2: to define what happiness is and what happiness isn't and
Speaker 2: so this kind of paradoxical statement is not true. But
Speaker 2: I think for the lay person and the way the
Speaker 2: ordinary person uses the term happiness, I think that it
Speaker 2: is true because sometimes we do things that make us
Speaker 2: feel happy, but that also make us feel unhappy or
Speaker 2: make us feel bad, because they're part of living up
Speaker 2: to our values. And I always think of the person
Speaker 2: who goes to visit an estrange parent in the hospital
Speaker 2: and they don't want to go, and they don't enjoy
Speaker 2: going there, and they dread it, but still they go
Speaker 2: because in the end, it's still your father. You're putting
Speaker 2: your values into the world. You're doing what's right, and
Speaker 2: so you're happy even though you don't feel happy. And
Speaker 2: so happiness doesn't always make us feel happier. I think
Speaker 2: sometimes people get confused thinking, well, if I live a
Speaker 2: happy life, I'm going to score ten on the one
Speaker 2: to ten scale, and that's not realistic and it's not
Speaker 2: even a good life. So that's what I was trying
Speaker 2: to capture with that.
Speaker 1: No, I love this. It actually fits with what researcher
Speaker 1: Sonya Bermirsky calls two parts of happiness. She says, happiness
Speaker 1: is about being happy in your life and with your life.
Speaker 1: And I think the like feeling happy part is the
Speaker 1: happiness in your life. It's like your sense of positive
Speaker 1: emotion and a lack of negative emotion. Yes, exactly, But
Speaker 1: being happy with your life is the happiness part, and
Speaker 1: the aphorism, it's kind of the overall living up to
Speaker 1: your values, having a life of flourishing. And Sonya is
Speaker 1: the one of the first to point out that those
Speaker 1: things don't always go together. That like the things that
Speaker 1: make you feel hedonically happy and experience lots of positive
Speaker 1: emotions might make you feel empty. It comes to how
Speaker 1: you're thinking about your life and vice versa. Visiting a
Speaker 1: family member who's terminally ill. That might not feel great
Speaker 1: in the moment, it might feel terrible, but ultimately it's
Speaker 1: kind of getting you towards a life of true happiness
Speaker 1: and flourishing well.
Speaker 2: And I think this explains a lot of what some
Speaker 2: people think is sort of a paradoxical thing about children,
Speaker 2: where people are like, if you look at people's happiness
Speaker 2: when they're children, a lot of times they're not very happy.
Speaker 3: They're annoyed, they're stressed out.
Speaker 2: But then if you say what makes you happy, people say,
Speaker 2: children make me happy. And it's like, because happiness doesn't
Speaker 2: always make us feel.
Speaker 1: Happy, Okay, so can I do another way that happiness
Speaker 1: doesn't always make us feel happy?
Speaker 3: Absolutely?
Speaker 1: I think this is a deep way of conveying this
Speaker 1: idea of hedonic adaptation, the fact that we get used
Speaker 1: to stuff.
Speaker 3: Ooh, I hadn't thought of it that way.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, so you hit the lottery, you get married,
Speaker 1: you get the promotion at.
Speaker 2: Work, you get air conditioning, you get elevators.
Speaker 1: Right, and you have this moment of this awesome thing
Speaker 1: comes in and you think this is going to make
Speaker 1: me feel happier, but then you don't actually feel as
Speaker 1: happy as you think.
Speaker 2: Interesting, Laurie, I have to say I never thought of
Speaker 2: that myself, even though I I wrote it.
Speaker 3: So see you're already taking me deeper. I love it.
Speaker 3: That's a whole different way of interpreting it.
Speaker 1: Okay, So now we go into aphorism number two about
Speaker 1: the social world. This one rang deep for me. We
Speaker 1: care for many people we don't particularly care for. I
Speaker 1: care for so many people I don't particularly care for.
Speaker 2: And that's one thing where just reading it, you're like, yeah,
Speaker 2: I think you said I'm sending people are confused, like
Speaker 2: why is this person in my life if I don't
Speaker 2: really enjoy their company or we don't have anything in common,
Speaker 2: or you know, all we have is our childhood, And
Speaker 2: it's like, but we care for many people we don't
Speaker 2: particularly care for.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I'm feeling this right now because we just had
Speaker 1: a midterm for my happiness class that I teach at Yale.
Speaker 1: Oh and the students totally bomb the mid term, and
Speaker 1: I'm kind of both annoyed and mad at them, like
Speaker 1: why didn't you study? Why didn't you get it? But
Speaker 1: also like I want them to learn. I'm going to
Speaker 1: put lots of effort into kind of helping them. And
Speaker 1: I feel like this happens so much in so many
Speaker 1: of our caregiving roles. I think if teacher is being
Speaker 1: partly a caregiver, but you know, when we're doing elder care,
Speaker 1: be caring for a parent who has such dementia, you
Speaker 1: don't even connect with them or relate to them. They
Speaker 1: don't even know who you are, but you care for them.
Speaker 1: You know, your kids can be incredibly frustrating and drive
Speaker 1: you crazy. You're not caring for them in that moment,
Speaker 1: yet you are caring for them.
Speaker 2: So and I think when you say something in a
Speaker 2: really concise way, it kind of allows more interpretation because
Speaker 2: less is spelled out, more can be put in.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think with this one, it reminds me
Speaker 1: that the frustration, the fact that I'm feeling so upset
Speaker 1: about kind of putting the time in is because I
Speaker 1: care for them. It almost let me take a breath
Speaker 1: back of like, oh, it's because I love my students.
Speaker 1: It's because I love these people that I'm putting time
Speaker 1: into so.
Speaker 2: Right, the reason you're so annoyed is because you do
Speaker 2: care for them.
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, that's the social world. I had a bunch
Speaker 1: that I loved that were basically aphorisms about self talk strategies.
Speaker 1: I don't know if you think of them that way,
Speaker 1: but that's how I thought.
Speaker 3: I don't, so I'm intrigued to hear what that is.
Speaker 1: So number three, repeatedly rehearsing disaster doesn't protect us from it. Yes,
Speaker 1: this one was one that I needed to hear because
Speaker 1: I am someone who repeatedly rehearses disaster a lot inside
Speaker 1: my head. I'm curious some of your favorite strategies to
Speaker 1: nip that rehearsing of terrible things in the bud.
Speaker 2: One of the things I like to do is to
Speaker 2: make a list, because I feel like part of why
Speaker 2: I ruminate is just my brain is like, don't forget,
Speaker 2: don't forget, don't forget, don't forget. And if I write
Speaker 2: it down then I'm like, Okay, it's memorialized somewhere and
Speaker 2: so my brain can let go of it. Then I
Speaker 2: do that whole thing about like, well, what's the worst
Speaker 2: that can happen? Like the worst that could happen is
Speaker 2: like I missed my flight, Okay, then what would happen. Well,
Speaker 2: I'm in the Denver Airport. There's a lot of flights
Speaker 2: to the East coast, Like, it wouldn't be that bad.
Speaker 3: I'm not traveling with a toddler, so it could be worse.
Speaker 2: And also just reminding myself that I think sometimes we
Speaker 2: fall into this kind of superstitious belief that if we
Speaker 2: really rehearse something, we kind of will offset it. It's
Speaker 2: sort of protective magic, and that just isn't the case.
Speaker 2: I Mean, it's one thing to be prepared for something
Speaker 2: like I live in Los Angeles.
Speaker 3: I'm going to have my go bag ready.
Speaker 2: But if I'm just constantly going over and over in
Speaker 2: my mind, then that's that's not doing anything.
Speaker 3: There is no protective magic that I'm invoking.
Speaker 1: Yeah. One of my favorite studies to share with my
Speaker 1: students is by my former colleague Susan Nolan Huxima, and
Speaker 1: she is the study where she looks at the level
Speaker 1: of rumination that students go through, either by kind of
Speaker 1: telling them to ruminate or just saying not to ruminate.
Speaker 1: It's like, think a lot about this, or give yourself
Speaker 1: a strategy that whenever you start to ruminate, you do
Speaker 1: something else distract yourself, right, Yeah, And what she finds
Speaker 1: is that the students in the rumination condition, they wound
Speaker 1: up actually performing worse on this problem. So the more
Speaker 1: they thought about it, the more anxious they got, but
Speaker 1: like it didn't actually help them solve the problem at all.
Speaker 1: They were better off when they just kind of distracted
Speaker 1: themselves from this thing that felt so scary, right, so
Speaker 1: it doesn't protect us from it.
Speaker 2: Then there's also scheduling time to worry where you you're like,
Speaker 2: I'm going to worry about this from three to three
Speaker 2: thirty tomorrow afternoon, and other than that, I'm not going
Speaker 2: to worry about it.
Speaker 3: That can work too sometimes.
Speaker 1: Okay, Now getting to self talk, strategy and aphorism number
Speaker 1: four one day now will be a long time ago. Yes,
Speaker 1: this hit me in two ways. One is really brought
Speaker 1: up all the strategies that I talk with my colleague
Speaker 1: Ethan Cross about his idea of what's called distant self
Speaker 1: talk that you sort of, you know, project yourself into
Speaker 1: the future. What's this going to feel like ten years
Speaker 1: from now, what's this going to feel like five years
Speaker 1: from now? It's just not going to feel that bad.
Speaker 1: But a second reason I love this strategy is sort
Speaker 1: of the reverse, like one day now will be a
Speaker 1: long time ago, so you'd better appreciate the now now
Speaker 1: while you got it. You have to savor the moment
Speaker 1: and notice what's going on because like it's fleeting, it's
Speaker 1: going away really soon exactly.
Speaker 3: Both are true.
Speaker 2: You want to relish what there is, but then also
Speaker 2: remember that you could put things in perspective.
Speaker 1: Okay, that was number four, Now I get to number five.
Speaker 1: This one was like really hit me in the like
Speaker 1: cognitive science, soul because there's so many studies on this.
Speaker 1: Love this one. It is by changing our words we
Speaker 1: can change our perspective. Yeah, so good.
Speaker 2: I'm a huge fan of reframing. It is Banana's how
Speaker 2: much it matters? Because I used to think like the
Speaker 2: situation is the situation, and like you kind of ca
Speaker 2: aunt change the situation just by the way that you
Speaker 2: talk about it. But in fact, it's wild to me
Speaker 2: how much a change.
Speaker 3: I mean.
Speaker 2: The classic example is do you have to do it
Speaker 2: or do you get to do it? Yes, that's huge.
Speaker 2: Do you play piano or practice piano? Do you have
Speaker 2: social time, or do you network. There are so many
Speaker 2: ways where you can reframe something and really change your
Speaker 2: attitude toward it. I remember when my daughter was young,
Speaker 2: and when you have a newborn, you have to go
Speaker 2: to the pediatrician all the time, and I was complaining
Speaker 2: to my husband, Oh my god, you get all these
Speaker 2: doctors appointments such a hashole by chance. My in laws
Speaker 2: live right around the corner from us. I mean right
Speaker 2: around the corner. You do not even cross the street.
Speaker 2: And he goes, oh, well, you know.
Speaker 3: Call my mother. I bet she'd do it.
Speaker 2: And I was like, oh, no way, I want to
Speaker 2: be the one to do it. So I wanted to
Speaker 2: complain about it. But the minute somebody said, oh, you
Speaker 2: don't have to do it, I was like, no, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 2: I want to do it. And it just showed me
Speaker 2: how quickly you can reframe something.
Speaker 1: I also love it, just like how the power of
Speaker 1: words and the way the words are structured can change
Speaker 1: our perspective. Like there's some evidence, for example, that if
Speaker 1: you say you use the example of playing piano, if
Speaker 1: you say, oh, yeah, I play piano versus I'm a
Speaker 1: piano player, like, it completely changes your own identity about
Speaker 1: these things. Yeah, so this is one I've been trying
Speaker 1: to use of, like I am a healthy eater. Now
Speaker 1: I'm trying to eat healthy, Like I am a healthy eater.
Speaker 1: I've become this thing. But yeah, studies show that when
Speaker 1: we kind of use a noun to describe ourselves, I
Speaker 1: am a healthy eater as opposed to like this active
Speaker 1: verb I just eat healthy, it completely changes our relationship
Speaker 1: to those behaviors. It completely changes our habits.
Speaker 3: Right, Like, what does a writer do? A writer write?
Speaker 2: So you can't be a writer who like actually never writes,
Speaker 2: and you become a writer by writing.
Speaker 1: But sometimes we have these identities in our head when
Speaker 1: we don't act on them a lot. I know this
Speaker 1: is something you talk a lot about in your habit book, right, Yes,
Speaker 1: actually putting it into practice is helpful. And if we
Speaker 1: can hack that with something as simple as changing the
Speaker 1: word we use, like, that's so easy, so powerful.
Speaker 3: Absolutely.
Speaker 1: So that was number five. Now we get to number six,
Speaker 1: self talk strategy, Accept yourself and expect more from yourself.
Speaker 2: This took me a really long time to understand because
Speaker 2: on the one hand, and then you know, you know
Speaker 2: all the research about self compassion and self acceptance, and
Speaker 2: that's clearly true. But on the other hand, it's also
Speaker 2: true that you don't want to be complacent. You want
Speaker 2: to be willing to put yourself out of your comfort zone.
Speaker 2: We're happier when we live in an atmosphere of growth,
Speaker 2: when we're growing, when we're learning, when we're changing, when
Speaker 2: we're making things better, and both are true. You can
Speaker 2: accept yourself and expect more from yourself, and each of
Speaker 2: us have to decide where that line is.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and some of your books we talk about just
Speaker 1: like being Gretchen, and I feel like this is kind
Speaker 1: of part and parcela that accept yourself but also expect
Speaker 1: more of yourself. You kind of want to get back
Speaker 1: to what's the authentically Gretchen thing to do, and sometimes
Speaker 1: that might be giving up whatever, you know, crazy plan
Speaker 1: you have to try to improve yourself, but sometimes being
Speaker 1: authentically you might be No, I got to like nudge
Speaker 1: myself a little bit further.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think it's frustrating sometimes because it's really
Speaker 2: hard to know sometimes where the line is, and nobody
Speaker 2: else can really answer that for you. It's sort of like, Okay, well,
Speaker 2: meditation hasn't been going that well for me. Should I say, hey,
Speaker 2: meditation isn't a tool that works for me, or or
Speaker 2: should I stick with it? And kind of only you
Speaker 2: can figure that out. It's just so hard to know
Speaker 2: ourselves right, And I think this is where these self
Speaker 2: compassion strategies can actually be helpful.
Speaker 1: You know, Kristin f who talks about self compassion, talks
Speaker 1: about talking to yourself like you would a friend. Sometimes
Speaker 1: for me that strategy helps me kind of like toggle
Speaker 1: this line pretty well, like if your friend is like
Speaker 1: kind of being a little lazier, not pushing themselves, or
Speaker 1: if they're pushing themselves too hard. You can often see
Speaker 1: it with a friend of like, nah, I think you're
Speaker 1: being a little self indulgent, let me kind of nudge you,
Speaker 1: versus like you are taking a way too much, like
Speaker 1: give yourself some grace. And so that idea of seeing
Speaker 1: yourself and talking to yourself like you would a friend,
Speaker 1: that at least for me helps me get this right
Speaker 1: balance between accepting myself and expecting more of myself.
Speaker 2: Well, it's something my sister calls me a happiness bully,
Speaker 2: because if I think that there's a way for you
Speaker 2: to like push into that zone, I will often like
Speaker 2: be very enthusiastically encouraging you to do it.
Speaker 1: Slash bullying. Slash bullying.
Speaker 3: Now you know.
Speaker 2: And then there's another afforism, which is love is unconditional,
Speaker 2: but love is all also demanding. Love loves you just
Speaker 2: as you are, and love expects the best from you.
Speaker 2: And so sometimes it's like again, these lines can sometimes
Speaker 2: be difficult to see, and yet they're very.
Speaker 3: Very important.
Speaker 1: So we've gone through a bunch already. But when we
Speaker 1: get back from the break, we're going to turn to
Speaker 1: some aphorisms about how to get stuff done and how
Speaker 1: to get through tough times. The Happiness Lab. We'll be
Speaker 1: right back. Today we're breaking down my favorite aphorisms in
Speaker 1: Gretchen Rubin's new book, Secrets of Adulthood. Before the break,
Speaker 1: we tackled Gretchen's quotes about happiness and self talk. Now
Speaker 1: we'll turn to Gretchen's observations about two problems that I
Speaker 1: struggle with a lot, productivity and procrastination. Okay, getting stuff done.
Speaker 1: I would expect nothing less from a Gretchen Rubn book
Speaker 1: than to tell me how to get stuff done and concise.
Speaker 1: But I had three of them from the book that
Speaker 1: I really loved The first was good intentions mean nothing
Speaker 1: unless they inspire practical actions. This is my achilles ell
Speaker 1: when it comes to being a happiness expert, is like
Speaker 1: actually getting stuff done. I know all these things that
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to do, but it's really hard to put
Speaker 1: those things into action.
Speaker 2: That is it, Because it really doesn't matter what your
Speaker 2: good intentions are. And I think sometimes good intentions can
Speaker 2: even be draining and discouraging because if you keep making
Speaker 2: them and then they don't turn into practical actions, then
Speaker 2: they can kind of weigh you down. Whereas if you
Speaker 2: never thought about it at all, you would be skipping
Speaker 2: through your life not feeling like there was something you
Speaker 2: believing undone. So I just feel like it's really helpful
Speaker 2: to think, like, well, I have to figure out a
Speaker 2: way to turn this into a practical action.
Speaker 1: And I love this idea of practical action because I
Speaker 1: think it reminds us not just good intentions to mean
Speaker 1: nothing unless they inspire action. Throwing that practical word in there,
Speaker 1: I think is helpful because it's like it's going to
Speaker 1: be practical. It can't be like, you know, I haven't
Speaker 1: exercised in the last three years, and then tomorrow I'm
Speaker 1: going to run a marathon. It has to actually fit
Speaker 1: your real life. It has to fit your boundary conditions
Speaker 1: and your habits and your lifestyle. Yeah, so for me,
Speaker 1: that extra word really made me much happier with this aphorism.
Speaker 1: Now we get to aphorism number eight.
Speaker 3: Oh good.
Speaker 1: Don't expect to be motivated by motivation.
Speaker 2: And I think the word motivation is very confusing because
Speaker 2: motivation conflates the idea that you very much want to
Speaker 2: achieve an aim and that you're doing work toward that aim.
Speaker 2: And in my experience, people are often extraordinarily desirous of
Speaker 2: an aim, they desperately want to achieve that a and
Speaker 2: yet they're not doing anything to give themselves towards that aim.
Speaker 3: So are they motivated or not motivated? I don't know.
Speaker 3: Don't expect to be motivated by motivation.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think one of the frustrating things about motivation
Speaker 1: is that whatever we mean by this word motivation, and
Speaker 1: I agree with you, there's like too many different parts
Speaker 1: to it. Yeah, Sometimes it just comes naturally, Like I've
Speaker 1: like such a sugar craving and I don't have to
Speaker 1: do any work to seek out sweet, fatty food, right
Speaker 1: the way that works. The way that kind of craving works.
Speaker 1: It's just completely different than the way I have to
Speaker 1: motivate myself to like have a hard workout or get
Speaker 1: a writing project done at work, or like send off
Speaker 1: a few emails, and like I wish they were one
Speaker 1: and the same. Why doesn't the brain work to make
Speaker 1: it one and the same.
Speaker 3: That's why I just don't think motivation is a helpful word.
Speaker 3: It's too loose.
Speaker 2: It gets into this whole thing where like sometimes we
Speaker 2: want to do something but we don't really want to do.
Speaker 3: It, or we don't really want to do it, but
Speaker 3: we want to do it. It just gets very, very confusing.
Speaker 3: So I just say stay clear of that word.
Speaker 1: And maybe we get a hint about how we can
Speaker 1: do better from aphorism number nine, which is one of
Speaker 1: the best uses of willpower is to avoid situations that
Speaker 1: require willpower.
Speaker 3: Oh yes, Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1: I don't know where this one came from, but this
Speaker 1: is basically just straight out of Aristotle. Like, this one's
Speaker 1: really ancient. Aristotle thought that the way you have willpower
Speaker 1: is you set up situations that you don't really need
Speaker 1: it at all. You set to up situations so that basically,
Speaker 1: your only reasonable course of action is to do the
Speaker 1: thing that, at your very highest value level, you wanted
Speaker 1: to do the most well.
Speaker 2: When I wrote my book about habits better than before,
Speaker 2: that's was just the deepest thing, which is like everything
Speaker 2: should be a habit, Everything should be operating on automatic
Speaker 2: so that you're not deploying what po like I have
Speaker 2: a strong sweet tooth too. It sounds like you have
Speaker 2: a big sweet tooth. So I just gave up sugar.
Speaker 2: It's easier for me to just say, like I don't
Speaker 2: need sugar. And then it's like do I eat this cupcake? No,
Speaker 2: because I don't need sugar. Do I eat this piece
Speaker 2: of free can eat?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 2: Because I don't need sugar. Then I don't need any wallpower,
Speaker 2: because once you've done it for like not even that long,
Speaker 2: your brain is just like, oh, that's not for me,
Speaker 2: and it just kind of fades into the background.
Speaker 1: So it sounds like your situation there is really like
Speaker 1: using words again as we talked about before, to sort
Speaker 1: of set up like I am not a sugar eater.
Speaker 1: I just kind of get rid of it. My move
Speaker 1: is situation support, Like I just don't have any sugar
Speaker 1: in my house when I'm trying to avoid this sort
Speaker 1: of thing.
Speaker 2: You don't have to resist the ice cream in the
Speaker 2: freezer because there's no ice cream in the freezer.
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, physical situation support, but I also love to
Speaker 1: use social situation support, right, which is like hang out
Speaker 1: with other people who aren't going to like demand that
Speaker 1: we go to ice cream shop or you know, hang
Speaker 1: out with other people who buy their own behavior, model
Speaker 1: this and make this easy for me. And that's actually
Speaker 1: what Aristotle thought of. He said, you actually get virtue
Speaker 1: from other people because your friends are your virtuous selves.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 3: It's just it's something like with sugar.
Speaker 2: It was so noisy, It was so boring to have
Speaker 2: that in my head all the time, and I just remember,
Speaker 2: like it would just be there, buzzing in my mind.
Speaker 2: Is there there, It's there, And then I could just
Speaker 2: decide to turn it off.
Speaker 1: That is like your superpower, because like I've tried to
Speaker 1: decide many times to shut it off, but my brain
Speaker 1: just doesn't work.
Speaker 3: Like that's it.
Speaker 1: Never again. I have to like restructure my environment and
Speaker 1: be around people who help.
Speaker 2: And yeah, everybody has to kind of experiment to see
Speaker 2: what works for them because we all are all very different,
Speaker 2: and there's a lot of different ways to approach it.
Speaker 1: Although, can I tell you a puzzle about this willpower aphorism,
Speaker 1: which is that I have this former student, Ariela Crystal,
Speaker 1: who's been looking at the consequences of how people judge
Speaker 1: people who use these different strategies. And a curious thing
Speaker 1: that she finds is that even though we know that
Speaker 1: setting up these situation supports help you, she finds that
Speaker 1: people like people who exert the willpower rather than set
Speaker 1: up the situation. So if you tell them, you know,
Speaker 1: person a Bob like really didn't want to eat sugar
Speaker 1: and he just decided, you know, hey, I'm not going
Speaker 1: to eat sugar anymore, right, Versus you know, there's Phil
Speaker 1: who decided he didn't want to eat sugar anymore, and
Speaker 1: he moved the sugar out of his house and he
Speaker 1: made sure he only hung out with friends that weren't
Speaker 1: eating sugar. What you find is that participants like Bob
Speaker 1: better than Phil. They think Bob is more moral, a
Speaker 1: stronger person, and so.
Speaker 2: Or maybe they think that Phil's way is more realistic
Speaker 2: and therefore is more of a challenge to themselves. Interesting, yeah,
Speaker 2: because if they're like, well, I'm want some bob that
Speaker 2: can just go off and do it.
Speaker 3: So clearly that doesn't reflect on me.
Speaker 2: I mean, many people, when they start making their habits better,
Speaker 2: the people around them are often not very supportive, right,
Speaker 2: because they start saying to themselves like maybe I should
Speaker 2: be doing this.
Speaker 3: And I don't want to.
Speaker 2: So it might be that it makes them feel worse
Speaker 2: about themselves.
Speaker 1: Now jumping to number ten, aphorism about getting stuff done.
Speaker 1: Focus on actions not outcomes. You update this to me
Speaker 1: and don't try to learn to play the guitar. Just
Speaker 1: play the guitar for twenty minutes every day. This is
Speaker 1: very Yoda, who I think has a different aphorism, which
Speaker 1: is do or do not There is no try.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because a lot of times people will say things like, well,
Speaker 2: I want to write a best selling novel. Well, you
Speaker 2: can't control whether something is a bestseller, right, that's something
Speaker 2: other people have to do. And you can't even control
Speaker 2: whether you can publish a novel, but you can write.
Speaker 2: People tend to have vague outcomes. People will say them
Speaker 2: they're like I want to learn Italian. It's like that's
Speaker 2: a major major am right, Or get more fun out
Speaker 2: of life, whereas if you're really focusing on your action,
Speaker 2: like I'm going to watch a classic movie every Sunday night.
Speaker 3: That's something where you're like, did you do it? Did
Speaker 3: you not do it?
Speaker 2: And that's a way to get more fun out of life.
Speaker 2: Or I'm going to practice my Italian half an hour
Speaker 2: a day. You can measure it. You know whether you
Speaker 2: did it or didn't do it, so you get a
Speaker 2: feeling of satisfaction. It's taking you toward your aim. But
Speaker 2: otherwise these aims are just so big and vague. It's
Speaker 2: like on any one day you're not going to have
Speaker 2: done it. It's very hard to even know if you're
Speaker 2: making progress.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it reminds me of what researchers often call these
Speaker 1: smart goals. Yes, smart is this acronym that stands for specific, measurable, achievable, relevant,
Speaker 1: and time bound. The actions can be very specific. You
Speaker 1: can measure whether you did them or not. You know
Speaker 1: it that you can do them. Yes, you can set
Speaker 1: a time limit on them so you know exactly when
Speaker 1: you're supposed to do that specific action. And the interesting
Speaker 1: thing is like, even if you don't get to the outcome,
Speaker 1: you're getting closer to it than if you didn't do
Speaker 1: the actions in the first place.
Speaker 2: Exactly because you may never be fluent in Italian, but
Speaker 2: you're good enough to, like, you know, go to Italy
Speaker 2: and talk to the waiter.
Speaker 1: I can order a canoli.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So I think that that's why it's better to focus
Speaker 2: on your actions than on your outcomes.
Speaker 1: And so those were some pieces of advice for getting
Speaker 1: stuff done. My final two favorite aphorisms are pieces of
Speaker 1: advice we can use in tough times, starting with number eleven. Sometimes,
Speaker 1: to keep going, we need to allow ourselves to stop.
Speaker 1: This one, you know, especially in times when I was
Speaker 1: experiencing lots of burnout myself reminding myself about the need
Speaker 1: to rest. That rest is an investment so essential but
Speaker 1: so so hard to remember, right, And I like the
Speaker 1: word stop, not just Sometimes to keep going, we need
Speaker 1: to allow ourselves to rest. Sometimes to keep going, you
Speaker 1: need to allow yourself to stop, not just rest, but pause. Yeah,
Speaker 1: take a step away.
Speaker 2: Right. Sometimes you just think if I just go, go, go,
Speaker 2: go go, I will just power through it, and then
Speaker 2: you just become more and more drained and overwhelmed and unfocused.
Speaker 2: I'm a big believer in a good night's sleep. I mean,
Speaker 2: if there is a cliche that I live by. It's
Speaker 2: everything looks better after good night sleep. I'll get a
Speaker 2: bed at seven forty five if I'm having a really
Speaker 2: really bad day because I'm like, I just need this
Speaker 2: day to be over. I'll feel better in the morning.
Speaker 2: Even that kind of letting yourself stop.
Speaker 1: And so final piece of advice for tough times in
Speaker 1: my final aphorism, which I really loved, things often get
Speaker 1: messier before they get tidier. Yes, I've literally since I
Speaker 1: read this aphorism, told this to four different people in
Speaker 1: my life who are going through various tough times and
Speaker 1: various moments of untidiness. So true, but we forget that
Speaker 1: things getting a little bit worse isn't necessarily a sign
Speaker 1: that they're not going to get better. We just can't
Speaker 1: think about paths towards progress without assuming it's going to
Speaker 1: be in some straight line.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, this is one of those that's literally
Speaker 2: true and also metaphorically true, because it's literally true if
Speaker 2: you've ever tried to like clean out your closet, but
Speaker 2: it's also very metaphorically true if you're trying to do
Speaker 2: something like switch careers or change a relationship or something
Speaker 2: a lot of times it can get very messy before
Speaker 2: it gets cleared up.
Speaker 1: I think it's also like even locally, like trying to
Speaker 1: get through a tough emotion. Right, I've been trying to
Speaker 1: engage in all these practices I tell my students about,
Speaker 1: you know, sitting with and accepting your emotions and when
Speaker 1: you decide to do that. Wow, does it feel messy
Speaker 1: when you're sitting with sadness? Or wow does it feel
Speaker 1: messy when you're really noticing that overwhelmed. Yeah, but if
Speaker 1: you give yourself time to do that, then all of
Speaker 1: a sudden, Oh, you wind up in a much better place. Yes,
Speaker 1: but the tidiness is on the other side. Yeah. Well
Speaker 1: those are my favorite twelve and I hope my Happiness
Speaker 1: Lab listeners will check out the rest.
Speaker 3: Of the book.
Speaker 2: Well, this is so fun for me to hear which
Speaker 2: ones resonated with you, especially since you yourself are such a
Speaker 2: happiness expert.
Speaker 3: It's fun to see what cut your off.
Speaker 1: Want to learn more or they want to hear more
Speaker 1: from you. Where should they go?
Speaker 2: Well, they can got to a Happier cast dot com,
Speaker 2: slash secrets, and then there's all kinds of information about
Speaker 2: the books and excerps and you can see the cover
Speaker 2: and order it if you want, or you can just
Speaker 2: wherever books are sold.
Speaker 1: And just to recap my favorite of Gretchen's aphorisms. Number one,
Speaker 1: happiness doesn't always make us feel happy. Number two. We
Speaker 1: care for many people we don't particularly care for. Number three.
Speaker 1: Repeatedly rehearsing disaster doesn't protect us from it. Number four.
Speaker 1: One day now will be a long time ago. Number five.
Speaker 1: By changing our words, we can change our perspective. Number six.
Speaker 1: Accept yourself and expect more from yourself. Number seven. Good
Speaker 1: intentions mean nothing unless they inspire practical actions. Number eight.
Speaker 1: Don't expect to be motivated by motivation. Number nine. One
Speaker 1: of the best uses of willpower is to avoid situations
Speaker 1: that require willpower. Number ten. Focus on actions, not outcomes.
Speaker 1: Number eleven. Sometimes to keep going, we need to allow
Speaker 1: ourselves to stop. And finally, number twelve, things often get
Speaker 1: messier before they get tidier. I hope at least one
Speaker 1: of these nuggets of wisdom connected with you as much
Speaker 1: as they've resonated with me. But that's not the end
Speaker 1: of the wisdom that Gretchen will be giving the Happiness
Speaker 1: Lab community, because next time Gretchen will return to share
Speaker 1: an episode from her podcast's news series on Happiness, one
Speaker 1: in which the two of us chat about friendships, how
Speaker 1: they evolve, how they go wrong, and what we can
Speaker 1: do to make them healthier. So be sure to return
Speaker 1: for a special friendship round table next time on the
Speaker 1: Happiness Lab with me doctor Laurie Santos