1 00:00:15,476 --> 00:00:21,996 Speaker 1: Pushkin. When we think about the factors that affect our happiness, 2 00:00:22,116 --> 00:00:24,836 Speaker 1: we often focus on the big stuff, things like finding 3 00:00:24,876 --> 00:00:27,516 Speaker 1: the perfect relationship or doing work that gives us a 4 00:00:27,556 --> 00:00:30,396 Speaker 1: sense of purpose. But we often forget that the little 5 00:00:30,396 --> 00:00:33,036 Speaker 1: things can matter a lot too. A well timed joke, 6 00:00:33,156 --> 00:00:36,796 Speaker 1: a touching song lyric, and especially a memorable quote. These 7 00:00:36,836 --> 00:00:38,876 Speaker 1: are the sorts of things that can instantly lift our 8 00:00:38,916 --> 00:00:42,196 Speaker 1: spirits and even help us tackle tough problems. And there 9 00:00:42,196 --> 00:00:44,836 Speaker 1: are a few people who understand that better than this 10 00:00:44,916 --> 00:00:46,396 Speaker 1: episode's special guest. 11 00:00:46,716 --> 00:00:48,796 Speaker 2: So I'm Gretchen Rubin. I am so happy to be 12 00:00:48,836 --> 00:00:49,796 Speaker 2: talking to you today. 13 00:00:50,036 --> 00:00:52,756 Speaker 1: Gretchen is a best selling author, the acclaimed host of 14 00:00:52,796 --> 00:00:55,556 Speaker 1: the podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin, and one of my 15 00:00:55,636 --> 00:00:59,476 Speaker 1: favorite experts on the nuances of human nature. Gretchen has 16 00:00:59,556 --> 00:01:03,396 Speaker 1: just released a new book entitled Secrets of Adulthood. In it, 17 00:01:03,556 --> 00:01:06,956 Speaker 1: Gretchen offers a reader's practical insights for navigating the daily 18 00:01:07,036 --> 00:01:09,476 Speaker 1: challenges that come with being a functional grown up in 19 00:01:09,516 --> 00:01:12,836 Speaker 1: the modern world. But Krutchen manages to share these helpful 20 00:01:12,836 --> 00:01:16,236 Speaker 1: insights in a truly creative way. She distills more than 21 00:01:16,276 --> 00:01:21,316 Speaker 1: two hundred complex life lessons into short concise aphorisms, short 22 00:01:21,356 --> 00:01:23,596 Speaker 1: punchy sayings that managed to pack a whole lot of 23 00:01:23,636 --> 00:01:26,636 Speaker 1: wisdom into just a few words. So tell me the 24 00:01:26,636 --> 00:01:28,476 Speaker 1: origin story of this book, because it seemed like it 25 00:01:28,516 --> 00:01:31,276 Speaker 1: had a few threats of how you got to it exactly. 26 00:01:31,276 --> 00:01:33,556 Speaker 2: There were a couple of things that came together. One is, 27 00:01:33,836 --> 00:01:36,596 Speaker 2: I am a writer, and I do feel it sometimes 28 00:01:37,356 --> 00:01:41,756 Speaker 2: an idea, maybe just one sentence, will cross our path 29 00:01:42,396 --> 00:01:44,956 Speaker 2: and suddenly we see the way forward, or suddenly we 30 00:01:44,996 --> 00:01:48,516 Speaker 2: have insight into a situation in a way that's really illuminating. 31 00:01:48,916 --> 00:01:51,196 Speaker 2: And I had really been pushing myself over the years 32 00:01:51,236 --> 00:01:55,756 Speaker 2: to write aphoristically, meaning trying to convey big ideas in 33 00:01:55,796 --> 00:01:59,316 Speaker 2: a short sentence. And then also I was feeling like, Okay, 34 00:01:59,356 --> 00:02:02,236 Speaker 2: there are these insights that I'm gaining, and I wanted 35 00:02:02,236 --> 00:02:03,916 Speaker 2: to be able to share them with other people. So 36 00:02:04,236 --> 00:02:08,036 Speaker 2: I really set myself the aim of trying to write 37 00:02:08,076 --> 00:02:09,116 Speaker 2: these and gather these. 38 00:02:09,356 --> 00:02:11,556 Speaker 1: But you did this in the form of these aphorisms. 39 00:02:11,716 --> 00:02:12,836 Speaker 1: So what is an aphorism? 40 00:02:13,156 --> 00:02:15,276 Speaker 2: We all know proverbs, and a proverb is like a 41 00:02:15,276 --> 00:02:19,316 Speaker 2: piece of folk wisdom, like a stumble may prevent a fall, 42 00:02:19,636 --> 00:02:22,076 Speaker 2: like nobody's associated with that. That's just like a thing 43 00:02:22,156 --> 00:02:25,036 Speaker 2: we all say, and then an aphorism is when somebody 44 00:02:25,116 --> 00:02:31,196 Speaker 2: says something like Mark Twain said it, Marcus Aurelius or Montaigne. 45 00:02:31,036 --> 00:02:33,716 Speaker 2: One of the biggest challenges is pronouncing everybody's name. 46 00:02:34,396 --> 00:02:35,716 Speaker 3: Lily is cirrus all that. 47 00:02:36,236 --> 00:02:39,636 Speaker 2: My own favorite afforts is Marie von Ivna Eschenbach, who 48 00:02:39,716 --> 00:02:41,556 Speaker 2: nobody else remembers. But I'm going to try to bring 49 00:02:41,596 --> 00:02:44,596 Speaker 2: her back into fashion because I love hers so Like 50 00:02:44,636 --> 00:02:47,036 Speaker 2: one of her aphorisms that I love is you can 51 00:02:47,076 --> 00:02:49,476 Speaker 2: fall so fast you think you're flying. 52 00:02:50,196 --> 00:02:51,756 Speaker 3: That's like right, it's like whoa. 53 00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:55,356 Speaker 2: But so she said that, So that's an aphorism because 54 00:02:55,356 --> 00:02:58,316 Speaker 2: we attribute that to her she said it in that way. Now, 55 00:02:58,356 --> 00:02:59,916 Speaker 2: one of the things about affortism, and you know this 56 00:02:59,916 --> 00:03:02,836 Speaker 2: from studying happiness, all of the most important insights are 57 00:03:02,836 --> 00:03:05,756 Speaker 2: too important to be true. If there's some fresh insight, 58 00:03:05,796 --> 00:03:07,996 Speaker 2: you're like, that's probably wrong because we've been studying this 59 00:03:08,036 --> 00:03:09,836 Speaker 2: for thousands of years, great minds in history. 60 00:03:09,876 --> 00:03:10,556 Speaker 3: I've been looking at this. 61 00:03:10,996 --> 00:03:12,916 Speaker 2: But people say it in a fresh way, or they 62 00:03:12,956 --> 00:03:15,036 Speaker 2: have a new metaphor, or they say it in a 63 00:03:15,036 --> 00:03:18,116 Speaker 2: way that particularly resonates with a particular person. So a 64 00:03:18,116 --> 00:03:21,876 Speaker 2: lot of times it's finding that fresh way to convey 65 00:03:21,916 --> 00:03:22,516 Speaker 2: an insight. 66 00:03:22,916 --> 00:03:24,996 Speaker 3: It's creatively exciting. 67 00:03:24,516 --> 00:03:26,636 Speaker 2: You know, It's like writing a haikup or doing a 68 00:03:26,756 --> 00:03:30,236 Speaker 2: thirty minute sitcom. It sparks your creativity to have a constraint, 69 00:03:30,916 --> 00:03:33,996 Speaker 2: and it also really forced my thinking to clarify. First 70 00:03:34,036 --> 00:03:35,916 Speaker 2: I had to understand it, then I had to whittle 71 00:03:35,956 --> 00:03:39,276 Speaker 2: it down. So it was very creatively interesting in that way. 72 00:03:39,516 --> 00:03:41,676 Speaker 2: And I wanted ones that were truly secrets of adulthood 73 00:03:41,676 --> 00:03:43,636 Speaker 2: where I felt like there was some insight about like 74 00:03:43,916 --> 00:03:48,596 Speaker 2: making a decision or ending procrastination, or dealing with relationships. 75 00:03:49,036 --> 00:03:51,516 Speaker 2: And then there were some that I just couldn't manage 76 00:03:51,516 --> 00:03:54,676 Speaker 2: to articulate in an interesting short way, and so some 77 00:03:54,796 --> 00:03:57,236 Speaker 2: I wasn't able to crack the code. But in the 78 00:03:57,356 --> 00:03:59,916 Speaker 2: end I was really there was sort of a clear 79 00:04:00,476 --> 00:04:03,356 Speaker 2: set that I felt really rose to the level that 80 00:04:03,396 --> 00:04:05,636 Speaker 2: I wanted the book to be. But I still look 81 00:04:05,676 --> 00:04:07,796 Speaker 2: at all the other ones too. I'm always like going 82 00:04:07,796 --> 00:04:08,956 Speaker 2: in there and tickering with them. 83 00:04:09,316 --> 00:04:10,916 Speaker 1: I feel like there's room for a challenge of one 84 00:04:10,916 --> 00:04:12,476 Speaker 1: you couldn't get the right words for. We had to 85 00:04:12,516 --> 00:04:14,476 Speaker 1: post it online and see if somebody can come up 86 00:04:14,516 --> 00:04:16,036 Speaker 1: with a good short saying. 87 00:04:15,796 --> 00:04:19,596 Speaker 2: For Oh, that's a good idea, like. 88 00:04:19,596 --> 00:04:22,116 Speaker 3: Say this in a more elegant way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 89 00:04:22,196 --> 00:04:22,716 Speaker 3: yeah yeah. 90 00:04:22,756 --> 00:04:24,476 Speaker 2: I should go through and look for some of my 91 00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:26,476 Speaker 2: clunkers and see if somebody can crack it. 92 00:04:26,476 --> 00:04:28,436 Speaker 1: As you're talking about this, it seems like aphorisms are 93 00:04:28,436 --> 00:04:29,916 Speaker 1: really cool, Like it seems like the kind of thing 94 00:04:29,916 --> 00:04:33,156 Speaker 1: we might see like as a little Pinterest meme. Yes, 95 00:04:33,236 --> 00:04:35,796 Speaker 1: but it also feels kind of like old school, Yes, 96 00:04:35,916 --> 00:04:38,396 Speaker 1: Afrist you mentioned feel like they were around in the 97 00:04:38,396 --> 00:04:40,476 Speaker 1: ancient times, Like if you're one of the only people 98 00:04:40,556 --> 00:04:44,796 Speaker 1: I know who's writing aphorisms today and so am I wrong? 99 00:04:44,876 --> 00:04:46,796 Speaker 1: Are they kind of old school? You're bringing them back? 100 00:04:46,916 --> 00:04:48,796 Speaker 1: Like what's the goal? A little bit of both. 101 00:04:48,836 --> 00:04:52,076 Speaker 2: There are modern aphorsts like Sarah Manguso who's writing today, 102 00:04:52,156 --> 00:04:54,596 Speaker 2: and there are some other ones. Warren Buffett is a 103 00:04:54,596 --> 00:04:57,676 Speaker 2: great aphorist, But you're right, it's a very ancient form 104 00:04:57,716 --> 00:05:00,956 Speaker 2: that stretches back. And it's funny because on the one hand, 105 00:05:00,956 --> 00:05:03,156 Speaker 2: you're like, oh, this short formerly lends itself to something 106 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:05,636 Speaker 2: like Instagram, But on the other hand, they really kind 107 00:05:05,676 --> 00:05:08,916 Speaker 2: of take a lot of thought often and so kind 108 00:05:08,916 --> 00:05:12,516 Speaker 2: of their worst form, they're like the inspirational poster you 109 00:05:12,556 --> 00:05:15,156 Speaker 2: see a dentist office, and then the best they're ones 110 00:05:15,156 --> 00:05:18,356 Speaker 2: where you're really, you know, pondering. I feel like they're 111 00:05:18,356 --> 00:05:21,276 Speaker 2: really advantages because they're short and they're sort of memorable. 112 00:05:21,316 --> 00:05:24,036 Speaker 2: They're easier to draw into the mind because you know, 113 00:05:24,076 --> 00:05:26,956 Speaker 2: a lot of times we just don't think of the 114 00:05:26,996 --> 00:05:29,716 Speaker 2: things that would be useful for us to remember. So 115 00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:32,196 Speaker 2: when it's easier to think about or remember, or like 116 00:05:32,236 --> 00:05:33,956 Speaker 2: you put it on an index card and stick it 117 00:05:33,996 --> 00:05:37,636 Speaker 2: on your corkboard or whatever, it just can have more power. 118 00:05:37,836 --> 00:05:40,596 Speaker 2: And so I do think it's fun that they lend 119 00:05:40,676 --> 00:05:45,396 Speaker 2: themselves short form, but they are often kind of weightier 120 00:05:45,396 --> 00:05:48,476 Speaker 2: than they seem, or you know, they need some reflection. 121 00:05:48,676 --> 00:05:50,556 Speaker 1: One of the things I found kind of surprising was 122 00:05:50,596 --> 00:05:52,996 Speaker 1: how many of the aphorisms in your book are actually 123 00:05:53,116 --> 00:05:55,996 Speaker 1: paradoxes in their own way. They kind of like tell 124 00:05:56,036 --> 00:05:58,476 Speaker 1: you both things at once, which I was like, huh, 125 00:05:58,516 --> 00:06:00,556 Speaker 1: Like they're kind of philosophically deeper than I was sort 126 00:06:00,596 --> 00:06:01,196 Speaker 1: of expecting. 127 00:06:01,596 --> 00:06:04,716 Speaker 2: No, I'm very I have a whole section just on paradoxes, 128 00:06:05,116 --> 00:06:08,036 Speaker 2: and a lot of times the opposite of a profound 129 00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:11,556 Speaker 2: truth is also true, and paradoxes are interesting because they 130 00:06:11,596 --> 00:06:14,436 Speaker 2: really make us step back, they surprise us, Like I 131 00:06:14,516 --> 00:06:16,596 Speaker 2: think one of my favorite book titles of all time 132 00:06:16,676 --> 00:06:19,796 Speaker 2: is All Joy and No Fun, which is Jennifer Senior's 133 00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:22,116 Speaker 2: book about parenting. It just makes you step back and 134 00:06:22,156 --> 00:06:24,236 Speaker 2: think like, Wow, what does she mean by that? And 135 00:06:24,276 --> 00:06:27,196 Speaker 2: then you're immediately full of ideas of your own and 136 00:06:27,196 --> 00:06:30,156 Speaker 2: then kind of wanting to know what she's saying about it, 137 00:06:30,196 --> 00:06:32,316 Speaker 2: because that paradox is so compelling. 138 00:06:32,396 --> 00:06:34,556 Speaker 1: I think also the confusion and the surprise of those 139 00:06:34,596 --> 00:06:37,196 Speaker 1: paradoxes gets us to reflect a little bit more, like, Yeah, 140 00:06:37,316 --> 00:06:39,916 Speaker 1: so these short statements, but I found myself, even after 141 00:06:39,916 --> 00:06:41,876 Speaker 1: reading your book, walking around with some of them and 142 00:06:41,956 --> 00:06:43,996 Speaker 1: like thinking about them a little bit more instead. 143 00:06:43,676 --> 00:06:45,796 Speaker 2: Of because some of these I think people will disagree 144 00:06:45,796 --> 00:06:49,196 Speaker 2: with and that's okay, because again, it's to prompt your 145 00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:51,396 Speaker 2: own reflection and your own insight. 146 00:06:51,516 --> 00:06:53,436 Speaker 1: And so you've collected a whole set of these for 147 00:06:53,556 --> 00:06:57,636 Speaker 1: problems as diverse as feeling happier, making tough decisions, handling temptations, 148 00:06:57,796 --> 00:06:59,876 Speaker 1: even housekeeping. And when we get back from the break, 149 00:06:59,876 --> 00:07:01,676 Speaker 1: I'm going to chat with you about my top twelve 150 00:07:01,716 --> 00:07:02,316 Speaker 1: from your book. 151 00:07:02,396 --> 00:07:03,196 Speaker 3: I cannot wait. 152 00:07:10,236 --> 00:07:13,436 Speaker 1: Author Podcaster and happiness expert Gretchen Rubin has a gift 153 00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:17,676 Speaker 1: for crafting clever aphorisms, short powerful sayings that capture life's 154 00:07:17,716 --> 00:07:20,676 Speaker 1: truths in a memorable way. Per new book, Secrets of 155 00:07:20,676 --> 00:07:24,276 Speaker 1: Adulthood is packed with these insightful one liners. And today 156 00:07:24,396 --> 00:07:27,556 Speaker 1: we're diving into my top twelve. My first of my 157 00:07:27,596 --> 00:07:31,876 Speaker 1: favorite twelve aphorisms in the book is one that's about happiness. 158 00:07:32,316 --> 00:07:35,996 Speaker 1: It is the aphorism happiness doesn't always make us feel happy. 159 00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:38,116 Speaker 2: Okay, so you're the perfect person to talk about this 160 00:07:38,156 --> 00:07:41,596 Speaker 2: because you approach the scientifically. Now, approaching the scientifically, you 161 00:07:41,636 --> 00:07:43,836 Speaker 2: cannot say that, because you have to say I have 162 00:07:43,916 --> 00:07:46,436 Speaker 2: to define what happiness is and what happiness isn't and 163 00:07:46,476 --> 00:07:49,356 Speaker 2: so this kind of paradoxical statement is not true. But 164 00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:51,396 Speaker 2: I think for the lay person and the way the 165 00:07:51,516 --> 00:07:54,196 Speaker 2: ordinary person uses the term happiness, I think that it 166 00:07:54,316 --> 00:07:57,276 Speaker 2: is true because sometimes we do things that make us 167 00:07:57,276 --> 00:08:00,716 Speaker 2: feel happy, but that also make us feel unhappy or 168 00:08:00,716 --> 00:08:02,716 Speaker 2: make us feel bad, because they're part of living up 169 00:08:02,716 --> 00:08:04,876 Speaker 2: to our values. And I always think of the person 170 00:08:04,876 --> 00:08:08,436 Speaker 2: who goes to visit an estrange parent in the hospital 171 00:08:08,476 --> 00:08:10,436 Speaker 2: and they don't want to go, and they don't enjoy 172 00:08:10,476 --> 00:08:12,916 Speaker 2: going there, and they dread it, but still they go 173 00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:15,876 Speaker 2: because in the end, it's still your father. You're putting 174 00:08:15,876 --> 00:08:18,236 Speaker 2: your values into the world. You're doing what's right, and 175 00:08:18,316 --> 00:08:22,516 Speaker 2: so you're happy even though you don't feel happy. And 176 00:08:22,556 --> 00:08:24,596 Speaker 2: so happiness doesn't always make us feel happier. I think 177 00:08:24,636 --> 00:08:26,956 Speaker 2: sometimes people get confused thinking, well, if I live a 178 00:08:26,956 --> 00:08:28,956 Speaker 2: happy life, I'm going to score ten on the one 179 00:08:28,956 --> 00:08:31,676 Speaker 2: to ten scale, and that's not realistic and it's not 180 00:08:31,716 --> 00:08:33,596 Speaker 2: even a good life. So that's what I was trying 181 00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:34,356 Speaker 2: to capture with that. 182 00:08:34,916 --> 00:08:37,156 Speaker 1: No, I love this. It actually fits with what researcher 183 00:08:37,196 --> 00:08:40,356 Speaker 1: Sonya Bermirsky calls two parts of happiness. She says, happiness 184 00:08:40,436 --> 00:08:43,116 Speaker 1: is about being happy in your life and with your life. 185 00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:45,756 Speaker 1: And I think the like feeling happy part is the 186 00:08:45,796 --> 00:08:48,716 Speaker 1: happiness in your life. It's like your sense of positive 187 00:08:48,716 --> 00:08:51,436 Speaker 1: emotion and a lack of negative emotion. Yes, exactly, But 188 00:08:51,716 --> 00:08:54,236 Speaker 1: being happy with your life is the happiness part, and 189 00:08:54,276 --> 00:08:57,116 Speaker 1: the aphorism, it's kind of the overall living up to 190 00:08:57,156 --> 00:09:00,076 Speaker 1: your values, having a life of flourishing. And Sonya is 191 00:09:00,076 --> 00:09:01,356 Speaker 1: the one of the first to point out that those 192 00:09:01,356 --> 00:09:03,916 Speaker 1: things don't always go together. That like the things that 193 00:09:03,956 --> 00:09:06,916 Speaker 1: make you feel hedonically happy and experience lots of positive 194 00:09:06,916 --> 00:09:09,636 Speaker 1: emotions might make you feel empty. It comes to how 195 00:09:09,676 --> 00:09:11,836 Speaker 1: you're thinking about your life and vice versa. Visiting a 196 00:09:11,836 --> 00:09:14,156 Speaker 1: family member who's terminally ill. That might not feel great 197 00:09:14,196 --> 00:09:16,676 Speaker 1: in the moment, it might feel terrible, but ultimately it's 198 00:09:16,716 --> 00:09:18,876 Speaker 1: kind of getting you towards a life of true happiness 199 00:09:18,876 --> 00:09:19,636 Speaker 1: and flourishing well. 200 00:09:19,636 --> 00:09:21,316 Speaker 2: And I think this explains a lot of what some 201 00:09:21,356 --> 00:09:23,796 Speaker 2: people think is sort of a paradoxical thing about children, 202 00:09:23,796 --> 00:09:25,796 Speaker 2: where people are like, if you look at people's happiness 203 00:09:25,796 --> 00:09:27,756 Speaker 2: when they're children, a lot of times they're not very happy. 204 00:09:27,796 --> 00:09:29,636 Speaker 3: They're annoyed, they're stressed out. 205 00:09:30,036 --> 00:09:31,916 Speaker 2: But then if you say what makes you happy, people say, 206 00:09:32,116 --> 00:09:34,876 Speaker 2: children make me happy. And it's like, because happiness doesn't 207 00:09:34,876 --> 00:09:36,556 Speaker 2: always make us feel. 208 00:09:36,196 --> 00:09:38,596 Speaker 1: Happy, Okay, so can I do another way that happiness 209 00:09:38,596 --> 00:09:39,996 Speaker 1: doesn't always make us feel happy? 210 00:09:40,316 --> 00:09:41,036 Speaker 3: Absolutely? 211 00:09:41,356 --> 00:09:43,556 Speaker 1: I think this is a deep way of conveying this 212 00:09:43,676 --> 00:09:46,436 Speaker 1: idea of hedonic adaptation, the fact that we get used 213 00:09:46,476 --> 00:09:46,876 Speaker 1: to stuff. 214 00:09:46,916 --> 00:09:49,556 Speaker 3: Ooh, I hadn't thought of it that way. 215 00:09:49,596 --> 00:09:52,756 Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, so you hit the lottery, you get married, 216 00:09:52,796 --> 00:09:53,996 Speaker 1: you get the promotion at. 217 00:09:53,916 --> 00:09:58,316 Speaker 2: Work, you get air conditioning, you get elevators. 218 00:09:57,516 --> 00:09:59,676 Speaker 1: Right, and you have this moment of this awesome thing 219 00:09:59,716 --> 00:10:01,476 Speaker 1: comes in and you think this is going to make 220 00:10:01,516 --> 00:10:03,676 Speaker 1: me feel happier, but then you don't actually feel as 221 00:10:03,716 --> 00:10:04,436 Speaker 1: happy as you think. 222 00:10:04,756 --> 00:10:07,516 Speaker 2: Interesting, Laurie, I have to say I never thought of 223 00:10:07,556 --> 00:10:09,516 Speaker 2: that myself, even though I I wrote it. 224 00:10:09,556 --> 00:10:12,276 Speaker 3: So see you're already taking me deeper. I love it. 225 00:10:12,516 --> 00:10:13,956 Speaker 3: That's a whole different way of interpreting it. 226 00:10:14,036 --> 00:10:16,716 Speaker 1: Okay, So now we go into aphorism number two about 227 00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:19,756 Speaker 1: the social world. This one rang deep for me. We 228 00:10:19,796 --> 00:10:23,836 Speaker 1: care for many people we don't particularly care for. I 229 00:10:23,876 --> 00:10:26,756 Speaker 1: care for so many people I don't particularly care for. 230 00:10:27,396 --> 00:10:30,036 Speaker 2: And that's one thing where just reading it, you're like, yeah, 231 00:10:30,116 --> 00:10:32,196 Speaker 2: I think you said I'm sending people are confused, like 232 00:10:32,516 --> 00:10:34,356 Speaker 2: why is this person in my life if I don't 233 00:10:34,476 --> 00:10:38,276 Speaker 2: really enjoy their company or we don't have anything in common, 234 00:10:38,596 --> 00:10:41,276 Speaker 2: or you know, all we have is our childhood, And 235 00:10:41,316 --> 00:10:43,156 Speaker 2: it's like, but we care for many people we don't 236 00:10:43,196 --> 00:10:44,156 Speaker 2: particularly care for. 237 00:10:44,436 --> 00:10:47,036 Speaker 1: Yeah. I'm feeling this right now because we just had 238 00:10:47,036 --> 00:10:49,636 Speaker 1: a midterm for my happiness class that I teach at Yale. 239 00:10:49,716 --> 00:10:52,396 Speaker 1: Oh and the students totally bomb the mid term, and 240 00:10:52,996 --> 00:10:55,316 Speaker 1: I'm kind of both annoyed and mad at them, like 241 00:10:55,316 --> 00:10:57,356 Speaker 1: why didn't you study? Why didn't you get it? But 242 00:10:57,436 --> 00:10:59,356 Speaker 1: also like I want them to learn. I'm going to 243 00:10:59,396 --> 00:11:01,716 Speaker 1: put lots of effort into kind of helping them. And 244 00:11:01,756 --> 00:11:03,676 Speaker 1: I feel like this happens so much in so many 245 00:11:03,716 --> 00:11:05,836 Speaker 1: of our caregiving roles. I think if teacher is being 246 00:11:05,876 --> 00:11:08,876 Speaker 1: partly a caregiver, but you know, when we're doing elder care, 247 00:11:09,276 --> 00:11:12,076 Speaker 1: be caring for a parent who has such dementia, you 248 00:11:12,076 --> 00:11:14,196 Speaker 1: don't even connect with them or relate to them. They 249 00:11:14,196 --> 00:11:16,356 Speaker 1: don't even know who you are, but you care for them. 250 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:19,556 Speaker 1: You know, your kids can be incredibly frustrating and drive 251 00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:21,676 Speaker 1: you crazy. You're not caring for them in that moment, 252 00:11:21,756 --> 00:11:23,716 Speaker 1: yet you are caring for them. 253 00:11:23,876 --> 00:11:25,636 Speaker 2: So and I think when you say something in a 254 00:11:25,676 --> 00:11:29,396 Speaker 2: really concise way, it kind of allows more interpretation because 255 00:11:29,476 --> 00:11:32,276 Speaker 2: less is spelled out, more can be put in. 256 00:11:32,436 --> 00:11:34,716 Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think with this one, it reminds me 257 00:11:34,796 --> 00:11:37,796 Speaker 1: that the frustration, the fact that I'm feeling so upset 258 00:11:37,796 --> 00:11:39,996 Speaker 1: about kind of putting the time in is because I 259 00:11:40,036 --> 00:11:42,116 Speaker 1: care for them. It almost let me take a breath 260 00:11:42,156 --> 00:11:44,796 Speaker 1: back of like, oh, it's because I love my students. 261 00:11:44,796 --> 00:11:46,756 Speaker 1: It's because I love these people that I'm putting time 262 00:11:46,796 --> 00:11:47,356 Speaker 1: into so. 263 00:11:47,516 --> 00:11:50,396 Speaker 2: Right, the reason you're so annoyed is because you do 264 00:11:50,516 --> 00:11:50,956 Speaker 2: care for them. 265 00:11:51,036 --> 00:11:53,916 Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, that's the social world. I had a bunch 266 00:11:53,956 --> 00:11:58,116 Speaker 1: that I loved that were basically aphorisms about self talk strategies. 267 00:11:58,396 --> 00:11:59,636 Speaker 1: I don't know if you think of them that way, 268 00:11:59,676 --> 00:12:00,356 Speaker 1: but that's how I thought. 269 00:12:00,516 --> 00:12:02,836 Speaker 3: I don't, so I'm intrigued to hear what that is. 270 00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:08,196 Speaker 1: So number three, repeatedly rehearsing disaster doesn't protect us from it. Yes, 271 00:12:08,356 --> 00:12:10,676 Speaker 1: this one was one that I needed to hear because 272 00:12:10,716 --> 00:12:14,556 Speaker 1: I am someone who repeatedly rehearses disaster a lot inside 273 00:12:14,556 --> 00:12:17,636 Speaker 1: my head. I'm curious some of your favorite strategies to 274 00:12:17,956 --> 00:12:20,956 Speaker 1: nip that rehearsing of terrible things in the bud. 275 00:12:21,276 --> 00:12:22,876 Speaker 2: One of the things I like to do is to 276 00:12:22,996 --> 00:12:25,236 Speaker 2: make a list, because I feel like part of why 277 00:12:25,396 --> 00:12:27,676 Speaker 2: I ruminate is just my brain is like, don't forget, 278 00:12:27,676 --> 00:12:29,596 Speaker 2: don't forget, don't forget, don't forget. And if I write 279 00:12:29,596 --> 00:12:31,796 Speaker 2: it down then I'm like, Okay, it's memorialized somewhere and 280 00:12:31,836 --> 00:12:33,956 Speaker 2: so my brain can let go of it. Then I 281 00:12:34,036 --> 00:12:35,916 Speaker 2: do that whole thing about like, well, what's the worst 282 00:12:35,916 --> 00:12:37,956 Speaker 2: that can happen? Like the worst that could happen is 283 00:12:37,996 --> 00:12:40,076 Speaker 2: like I missed my flight, Okay, then what would happen. Well, 284 00:12:40,076 --> 00:12:42,156 Speaker 2: I'm in the Denver Airport. There's a lot of flights 285 00:12:42,156 --> 00:12:44,156 Speaker 2: to the East coast, Like, it wouldn't be that bad. 286 00:12:44,596 --> 00:12:47,076 Speaker 3: I'm not traveling with a toddler, so it could be worse. 287 00:12:47,876 --> 00:12:50,716 Speaker 2: And also just reminding myself that I think sometimes we 288 00:12:50,796 --> 00:12:53,076 Speaker 2: fall into this kind of superstitious belief that if we 289 00:12:53,236 --> 00:12:57,516 Speaker 2: really rehearse something, we kind of will offset it. It's 290 00:12:57,556 --> 00:13:00,836 Speaker 2: sort of protective magic, and that just isn't the case. 291 00:13:00,836 --> 00:13:02,796 Speaker 2: I Mean, it's one thing to be prepared for something 292 00:13:02,836 --> 00:13:03,996 Speaker 2: like I live in Los Angeles. 293 00:13:03,996 --> 00:13:05,396 Speaker 3: I'm going to have my go bag ready. 294 00:13:05,756 --> 00:13:08,116 Speaker 2: But if I'm just constantly going over and over in 295 00:13:08,156 --> 00:13:10,596 Speaker 2: my mind, then that's that's not doing anything. 296 00:13:10,716 --> 00:13:12,876 Speaker 3: There is no protective magic that I'm invoking. 297 00:13:12,996 --> 00:13:14,836 Speaker 1: Yeah. One of my favorite studies to share with my 298 00:13:14,876 --> 00:13:17,916 Speaker 1: students is by my former colleague Susan Nolan Huxima, and 299 00:13:17,956 --> 00:13:20,116 Speaker 1: she is the study where she looks at the level 300 00:13:20,116 --> 00:13:22,476 Speaker 1: of rumination that students go through, either by kind of 301 00:13:22,516 --> 00:13:24,796 Speaker 1: telling them to ruminate or just saying not to ruminate. 302 00:13:25,196 --> 00:13:27,396 Speaker 1: It's like, think a lot about this, or give yourself 303 00:13:27,396 --> 00:13:29,636 Speaker 1: a strategy that whenever you start to ruminate, you do 304 00:13:29,676 --> 00:13:32,316 Speaker 1: something else distract yourself, right, Yeah, And what she finds 305 00:13:32,356 --> 00:13:35,676 Speaker 1: is that the students in the rumination condition, they wound 306 00:13:35,796 --> 00:13:38,636 Speaker 1: up actually performing worse on this problem. So the more 307 00:13:38,676 --> 00:13:41,156 Speaker 1: they thought about it, the more anxious they got, but 308 00:13:41,236 --> 00:13:43,516 Speaker 1: like it didn't actually help them solve the problem at all. 309 00:13:43,676 --> 00:13:45,556 Speaker 1: They were better off when they just kind of distracted 310 00:13:45,556 --> 00:13:47,836 Speaker 1: themselves from this thing that felt so scary, right, so 311 00:13:47,876 --> 00:13:48,996 Speaker 1: it doesn't protect us from it. 312 00:13:49,076 --> 00:13:51,556 Speaker 2: Then there's also scheduling time to worry where you you're like, 313 00:13:51,596 --> 00:13:53,556 Speaker 2: I'm going to worry about this from three to three 314 00:13:53,716 --> 00:13:56,236 Speaker 2: thirty tomorrow afternoon, and other than that, I'm not going 315 00:13:56,276 --> 00:13:56,796 Speaker 2: to worry about it. 316 00:13:56,876 --> 00:13:58,556 Speaker 3: That can work too sometimes. 317 00:13:58,116 --> 00:14:01,476 Speaker 1: Okay, Now getting to self talk, strategy and aphorism number 318 00:14:01,476 --> 00:14:05,716 Speaker 1: four one day now will be a long time ago. Yes, 319 00:14:06,076 --> 00:14:10,356 Speaker 1: this hit me in two ways. One is really brought 320 00:14:10,436 --> 00:14:12,556 Speaker 1: up all the strategies that I talk with my colleague 321 00:14:12,556 --> 00:14:15,116 Speaker 1: Ethan Cross about his idea of what's called distant self 322 00:14:15,156 --> 00:14:17,836 Speaker 1: talk that you sort of, you know, project yourself into 323 00:14:17,836 --> 00:14:19,636 Speaker 1: the future. What's this going to feel like ten years 324 00:14:19,636 --> 00:14:21,236 Speaker 1: from now, what's this going to feel like five years 325 00:14:21,236 --> 00:14:23,556 Speaker 1: from now? It's just not going to feel that bad. 326 00:14:24,196 --> 00:14:26,756 Speaker 1: But a second reason I love this strategy is sort 327 00:14:26,756 --> 00:14:29,356 Speaker 1: of the reverse, like one day now will be a 328 00:14:29,396 --> 00:14:32,996 Speaker 1: long time ago, so you'd better appreciate the now now 329 00:14:33,636 --> 00:14:36,036 Speaker 1: while you got it. You have to savor the moment 330 00:14:36,076 --> 00:14:38,796 Speaker 1: and notice what's going on because like it's fleeting, it's 331 00:14:38,796 --> 00:14:40,556 Speaker 1: going away really soon exactly. 332 00:14:40,596 --> 00:14:41,316 Speaker 3: Both are true. 333 00:14:41,516 --> 00:14:43,596 Speaker 2: You want to relish what there is, but then also 334 00:14:43,676 --> 00:14:45,516 Speaker 2: remember that you could put things in perspective. 335 00:14:45,516 --> 00:14:48,076 Speaker 1: Okay, that was number four, Now I get to number five. 336 00:14:48,556 --> 00:14:50,756 Speaker 1: This one was like really hit me in the like 337 00:14:50,916 --> 00:14:53,036 Speaker 1: cognitive science, soul because there's so many studies on this. 338 00:14:53,196 --> 00:14:56,196 Speaker 1: Love this one. It is by changing our words we 339 00:14:56,276 --> 00:14:59,556 Speaker 1: can change our perspective. Yeah, so good. 340 00:14:59,716 --> 00:15:03,396 Speaker 2: I'm a huge fan of reframing. It is Banana's how 341 00:15:03,516 --> 00:15:05,876 Speaker 2: much it matters? Because I used to think like the 342 00:15:05,956 --> 00:15:08,996 Speaker 2: situation is the situation, and like you kind of ca 343 00:15:09,116 --> 00:15:11,716 Speaker 2: aunt change the situation just by the way that you 344 00:15:11,916 --> 00:15:14,916 Speaker 2: talk about it. But in fact, it's wild to me 345 00:15:15,236 --> 00:15:16,316 Speaker 2: how much a change. 346 00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:16,636 Speaker 3: I mean. 347 00:15:16,676 --> 00:15:18,756 Speaker 2: The classic example is do you have to do it 348 00:15:18,836 --> 00:15:20,756 Speaker 2: or do you get to do it? Yes, that's huge. 349 00:15:21,036 --> 00:15:25,076 Speaker 2: Do you play piano or practice piano? Do you have 350 00:15:25,196 --> 00:15:27,996 Speaker 2: social time, or do you network. There are so many 351 00:15:28,036 --> 00:15:31,636 Speaker 2: ways where you can reframe something and really change your 352 00:15:31,636 --> 00:15:33,756 Speaker 2: attitude toward it. I remember when my daughter was young, 353 00:15:33,836 --> 00:15:35,636 Speaker 2: and when you have a newborn, you have to go 354 00:15:35,716 --> 00:15:37,836 Speaker 2: to the pediatrician all the time, and I was complaining 355 00:15:37,876 --> 00:15:39,516 Speaker 2: to my husband, Oh my god, you get all these 356 00:15:39,556 --> 00:15:42,396 Speaker 2: doctors appointments such a hashole by chance. My in laws 357 00:15:42,396 --> 00:15:44,076 Speaker 2: live right around the corner from us. I mean right 358 00:15:44,156 --> 00:15:45,796 Speaker 2: around the corner. You do not even cross the street. 359 00:15:45,796 --> 00:15:46,676 Speaker 2: And he goes, oh, well, you know. 360 00:15:46,636 --> 00:15:48,036 Speaker 3: Call my mother. I bet she'd do it. 361 00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:50,516 Speaker 2: And I was like, oh, no way, I want to 362 00:15:50,556 --> 00:15:52,556 Speaker 2: be the one to do it. So I wanted to 363 00:15:52,596 --> 00:15:54,236 Speaker 2: complain about it. But the minute somebody said, oh, you 364 00:15:54,236 --> 00:15:55,796 Speaker 2: don't have to do it, I was like, no, no, no, no, no, 365 00:15:55,876 --> 00:15:58,596 Speaker 2: I want to do it. And it just showed me 366 00:15:58,756 --> 00:16:01,276 Speaker 2: how quickly you can reframe something. 367 00:16:01,356 --> 00:16:03,396 Speaker 1: I also love it, just like how the power of 368 00:16:03,476 --> 00:16:05,676 Speaker 1: words and the way the words are structured can change 369 00:16:05,676 --> 00:16:08,436 Speaker 1: our perspective. Like there's some evidence, for example, that if 370 00:16:08,476 --> 00:16:10,876 Speaker 1: you say you use the example of playing piano, if 371 00:16:10,876 --> 00:16:13,036 Speaker 1: you say, oh, yeah, I play piano versus I'm a 372 00:16:13,036 --> 00:16:17,036 Speaker 1: piano player, like, it completely changes your own identity about 373 00:16:17,036 --> 00:16:19,276 Speaker 1: these things. Yeah, so this is one I've been trying 374 00:16:19,316 --> 00:16:21,276 Speaker 1: to use of, like I am a healthy eater. Now 375 00:16:21,356 --> 00:16:23,756 Speaker 1: I'm trying to eat healthy, Like I am a healthy eater. 376 00:16:23,876 --> 00:16:26,996 Speaker 1: I've become this thing. But yeah, studies show that when 377 00:16:26,996 --> 00:16:29,316 Speaker 1: we kind of use a noun to describe ourselves, I 378 00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:32,076 Speaker 1: am a healthy eater as opposed to like this active 379 00:16:32,156 --> 00:16:34,916 Speaker 1: verb I just eat healthy, it completely changes our relationship 380 00:16:34,956 --> 00:16:37,476 Speaker 1: to those behaviors. It completely changes our habits. 381 00:16:37,196 --> 00:16:39,276 Speaker 3: Right, Like, what does a writer do? A writer write? 382 00:16:39,276 --> 00:16:42,036 Speaker 2: So you can't be a writer who like actually never writes, 383 00:16:42,636 --> 00:16:43,876 Speaker 2: and you become a writer by writing. 384 00:16:43,916 --> 00:16:46,116 Speaker 1: But sometimes we have these identities in our head when 385 00:16:46,116 --> 00:16:47,716 Speaker 1: we don't act on them a lot. I know this 386 00:16:47,796 --> 00:16:50,036 Speaker 1: is something you talk a lot about in your habit book, right, Yes, 387 00:16:50,196 --> 00:16:52,756 Speaker 1: actually putting it into practice is helpful. And if we 388 00:16:52,756 --> 00:16:54,996 Speaker 1: can hack that with something as simple as changing the 389 00:16:55,036 --> 00:16:57,476 Speaker 1: word we use, like, that's so easy, so powerful. 390 00:16:57,516 --> 00:16:58,076 Speaker 3: Absolutely. 391 00:16:58,196 --> 00:17:00,196 Speaker 1: So that was number five. Now we get to number six, 392 00:17:00,316 --> 00:17:05,196 Speaker 1: self talk strategy, Accept yourself and expect more from yourself. 393 00:17:05,236 --> 00:17:08,516 Speaker 2: This took me a really long time to understand because 394 00:17:08,516 --> 00:17:10,396 Speaker 2: on the one hand, and then you know, you know 395 00:17:10,516 --> 00:17:13,556 Speaker 2: all the research about self compassion and self acceptance, and 396 00:17:13,716 --> 00:17:16,316 Speaker 2: that's clearly true. But on the other hand, it's also 397 00:17:16,396 --> 00:17:18,436 Speaker 2: true that you don't want to be complacent. You want 398 00:17:18,476 --> 00:17:20,556 Speaker 2: to be willing to put yourself out of your comfort zone. 399 00:17:20,836 --> 00:17:22,956 Speaker 2: We're happier when we live in an atmosphere of growth, 400 00:17:22,996 --> 00:17:25,236 Speaker 2: when we're growing, when we're learning, when we're changing, when 401 00:17:25,236 --> 00:17:28,916 Speaker 2: we're making things better, and both are true. You can 402 00:17:28,996 --> 00:17:31,516 Speaker 2: accept yourself and expect more from yourself, and each of 403 00:17:31,556 --> 00:17:33,356 Speaker 2: us have to decide where that line is. 404 00:17:33,596 --> 00:17:35,516 Speaker 1: Yeah, and some of your books we talk about just 405 00:17:35,516 --> 00:17:38,156 Speaker 1: like being Gretchen, and I feel like this is kind 406 00:17:38,156 --> 00:17:40,716 Speaker 1: of part and parcela that accept yourself but also expect 407 00:17:40,716 --> 00:17:42,556 Speaker 1: more of yourself. You kind of want to get back 408 00:17:42,596 --> 00:17:45,156 Speaker 1: to what's the authentically Gretchen thing to do, and sometimes 409 00:17:45,196 --> 00:17:47,836 Speaker 1: that might be giving up whatever, you know, crazy plan 410 00:17:47,956 --> 00:17:50,636 Speaker 1: you have to try to improve yourself, but sometimes being 411 00:17:50,676 --> 00:17:53,156 Speaker 1: authentically you might be No, I got to like nudge 412 00:17:53,156 --> 00:17:54,276 Speaker 1: myself a little bit further. 413 00:17:54,436 --> 00:17:57,036 Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think it's frustrating sometimes because it's really 414 00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,796 Speaker 2: hard to know sometimes where the line is, and nobody 415 00:17:59,796 --> 00:18:03,596 Speaker 2: else can really answer that for you. It's sort of like, Okay, well, 416 00:18:03,836 --> 00:18:06,636 Speaker 2: meditation hasn't been going that well for me. Should I say, hey, 417 00:18:06,676 --> 00:18:09,236 Speaker 2: meditation isn't a tool that works for me, or or 418 00:18:09,276 --> 00:18:11,436 Speaker 2: should I stick with it? And kind of only you 419 00:18:11,476 --> 00:18:13,516 Speaker 2: can figure that out. It's just so hard to know 420 00:18:13,556 --> 00:18:15,876 Speaker 2: ourselves right, And I think this is where these self 421 00:18:15,876 --> 00:18:17,956 Speaker 2: compassion strategies can actually be helpful. 422 00:18:17,956 --> 00:18:20,196 Speaker 1: You know, Kristin f who talks about self compassion, talks 423 00:18:20,196 --> 00:18:23,396 Speaker 1: about talking to yourself like you would a friend. Sometimes 424 00:18:23,396 --> 00:18:26,236 Speaker 1: for me that strategy helps me kind of like toggle 425 00:18:26,276 --> 00:18:28,876 Speaker 1: this line pretty well, like if your friend is like 426 00:18:29,196 --> 00:18:31,476 Speaker 1: kind of being a little lazier, not pushing themselves, or 427 00:18:31,476 --> 00:18:33,956 Speaker 1: if they're pushing themselves too hard. You can often see 428 00:18:33,956 --> 00:18:36,236 Speaker 1: it with a friend of like, nah, I think you're 429 00:18:36,236 --> 00:18:38,276 Speaker 1: being a little self indulgent, let me kind of nudge you, 430 00:18:38,396 --> 00:18:40,636 Speaker 1: versus like you are taking a way too much, like 431 00:18:40,676 --> 00:18:43,516 Speaker 1: give yourself some grace. And so that idea of seeing 432 00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:45,796 Speaker 1: yourself and talking to yourself like you would a friend, 433 00:18:45,836 --> 00:18:48,476 Speaker 1: that at least for me helps me get this right 434 00:18:48,516 --> 00:18:51,356 Speaker 1: balance between accepting myself and expecting more of myself. 435 00:18:51,516 --> 00:18:53,636 Speaker 2: Well, it's something my sister calls me a happiness bully, 436 00:18:53,756 --> 00:18:55,636 Speaker 2: because if I think that there's a way for you 437 00:18:55,716 --> 00:18:58,956 Speaker 2: to like push into that zone, I will often like 438 00:18:59,076 --> 00:19:01,636 Speaker 2: be very enthusiastically encouraging you to do it. 439 00:19:01,716 --> 00:19:03,396 Speaker 1: Slash bullying. Slash bullying. 440 00:19:03,436 --> 00:19:04,756 Speaker 3: Now you know. 441 00:19:05,116 --> 00:19:08,516 Speaker 2: And then there's another afforism, which is love is unconditional, 442 00:19:08,556 --> 00:19:10,876 Speaker 2: but love is all also demanding. Love loves you just 443 00:19:10,916 --> 00:19:13,356 Speaker 2: as you are, and love expects the best from you. 444 00:19:13,596 --> 00:19:17,116 Speaker 2: And so sometimes it's like again, these lines can sometimes 445 00:19:17,116 --> 00:19:19,756 Speaker 2: be difficult to see, and yet they're very. 446 00:19:19,676 --> 00:19:20,316 Speaker 3: Very important. 447 00:19:20,516 --> 00:19:21,956 Speaker 1: So we've gone through a bunch already. But when we 448 00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:23,516 Speaker 1: get back from the break, we're going to turn to 449 00:19:23,556 --> 00:19:25,876 Speaker 1: some aphorisms about how to get stuff done and how 450 00:19:25,916 --> 00:19:28,356 Speaker 1: to get through tough times. The Happiness Lab. We'll be 451 00:19:28,436 --> 00:19:36,116 Speaker 1: right back. Today we're breaking down my favorite aphorisms in 452 00:19:36,196 --> 00:19:39,476 Speaker 1: Gretchen Rubin's new book, Secrets of Adulthood. Before the break, 453 00:19:39,516 --> 00:19:42,996 Speaker 1: we tackled Gretchen's quotes about happiness and self talk. Now 454 00:19:43,076 --> 00:19:45,836 Speaker 1: we'll turn to Gretchen's observations about two problems that I 455 00:19:45,836 --> 00:19:51,556 Speaker 1: struggle with a lot, productivity and procrastination. Okay, getting stuff done. 456 00:19:51,596 --> 00:19:54,076 Speaker 1: I would expect nothing less from a Gretchen Rubn book 457 00:19:54,116 --> 00:19:56,516 Speaker 1: than to tell me how to get stuff done and concise. 458 00:19:57,756 --> 00:19:59,516 Speaker 1: But I had three of them from the book that 459 00:19:59,596 --> 00:20:03,156 Speaker 1: I really loved The first was good intentions mean nothing 460 00:20:03,356 --> 00:20:07,476 Speaker 1: unless they inspire practical actions. This is my achilles ell 461 00:20:07,556 --> 00:20:09,956 Speaker 1: when it comes to being a happiness expert, is like 462 00:20:10,556 --> 00:20:13,116 Speaker 1: actually getting stuff done. I know all these things that 463 00:20:13,156 --> 00:20:15,156 Speaker 1: I'm supposed to do, but it's really hard to put 464 00:20:15,196 --> 00:20:16,076 Speaker 1: those things into action. 465 00:20:16,956 --> 00:20:20,036 Speaker 2: That is it, Because it really doesn't matter what your 466 00:20:20,036 --> 00:20:22,796 Speaker 2: good intentions are. And I think sometimes good intentions can 467 00:20:22,916 --> 00:20:26,716 Speaker 2: even be draining and discouraging because if you keep making 468 00:20:26,756 --> 00:20:28,996 Speaker 2: them and then they don't turn into practical actions, then 469 00:20:29,036 --> 00:20:30,876 Speaker 2: they can kind of weigh you down. Whereas if you 470 00:20:30,996 --> 00:20:33,116 Speaker 2: never thought about it at all, you would be skipping 471 00:20:33,116 --> 00:20:35,156 Speaker 2: through your life not feeling like there was something you 472 00:20:35,236 --> 00:20:38,436 Speaker 2: believing undone. So I just feel like it's really helpful 473 00:20:38,476 --> 00:20:40,716 Speaker 2: to think, like, well, I have to figure out a 474 00:20:40,716 --> 00:20:42,556 Speaker 2: way to turn this into a practical action. 475 00:20:42,756 --> 00:20:45,316 Speaker 1: And I love this idea of practical action because I 476 00:20:45,356 --> 00:20:47,636 Speaker 1: think it reminds us not just good intentions to mean 477 00:20:47,716 --> 00:20:50,836 Speaker 1: nothing unless they inspire action. Throwing that practical word in there, 478 00:20:50,876 --> 00:20:52,596 Speaker 1: I think is helpful because it's like it's going to 479 00:20:52,636 --> 00:20:55,436 Speaker 1: be practical. It can't be like, you know, I haven't 480 00:20:55,476 --> 00:20:58,036 Speaker 1: exercised in the last three years, and then tomorrow I'm 481 00:20:58,076 --> 00:21:00,756 Speaker 1: going to run a marathon. It has to actually fit 482 00:21:00,836 --> 00:21:04,396 Speaker 1: your real life. It has to fit your boundary conditions 483 00:21:04,556 --> 00:21:08,116 Speaker 1: and your habits and your lifestyle. Yeah, so for me, 484 00:21:08,196 --> 00:21:11,876 Speaker 1: that extra word really made me much happier with this aphorism. 485 00:21:12,076 --> 00:21:13,436 Speaker 1: Now we get to aphorism number eight. 486 00:21:13,516 --> 00:21:13,876 Speaker 3: Oh good. 487 00:21:14,036 --> 00:21:16,436 Speaker 1: Don't expect to be motivated by motivation. 488 00:21:16,636 --> 00:21:19,076 Speaker 2: And I think the word motivation is very confusing because 489 00:21:19,116 --> 00:21:22,916 Speaker 2: motivation conflates the idea that you very much want to 490 00:21:22,996 --> 00:21:26,516 Speaker 2: achieve an aim and that you're doing work toward that aim. 491 00:21:26,596 --> 00:21:30,876 Speaker 2: And in my experience, people are often extraordinarily desirous of 492 00:21:30,916 --> 00:21:33,556 Speaker 2: an aim, they desperately want to achieve that a and 493 00:21:33,596 --> 00:21:35,996 Speaker 2: yet they're not doing anything to give themselves towards that aim. 494 00:21:36,036 --> 00:21:38,196 Speaker 3: So are they motivated or not motivated? I don't know. 495 00:21:38,556 --> 00:21:40,276 Speaker 3: Don't expect to be motivated by motivation. 496 00:21:40,596 --> 00:21:42,716 Speaker 1: Yeah, I think one of the frustrating things about motivation 497 00:21:43,236 --> 00:21:45,516 Speaker 1: is that whatever we mean by this word motivation, and 498 00:21:45,516 --> 00:21:47,596 Speaker 1: I agree with you, there's like too many different parts 499 00:21:47,636 --> 00:21:51,396 Speaker 1: to it. Yeah, Sometimes it just comes naturally, Like I've 500 00:21:51,516 --> 00:21:53,796 Speaker 1: like such a sugar craving and I don't have to 501 00:21:53,836 --> 00:21:57,716 Speaker 1: do any work to seek out sweet, fatty food, right 502 00:21:58,076 --> 00:22:00,396 Speaker 1: the way that works. The way that kind of craving works. 503 00:22:00,596 --> 00:22:02,516 Speaker 1: It's just completely different than the way I have to 504 00:22:02,516 --> 00:22:05,836 Speaker 1: motivate myself to like have a hard workout or get 505 00:22:05,836 --> 00:22:08,436 Speaker 1: a writing project done at work, or like send off 506 00:22:08,436 --> 00:22:10,476 Speaker 1: a few emails, and like I wish they were one 507 00:22:10,476 --> 00:22:12,156 Speaker 1: and the same. Why doesn't the brain work to make 508 00:22:12,196 --> 00:22:12,796 Speaker 1: it one and the same. 509 00:22:12,876 --> 00:22:15,076 Speaker 3: That's why I just don't think motivation is a helpful word. 510 00:22:15,436 --> 00:22:16,316 Speaker 3: It's too loose. 511 00:22:16,516 --> 00:22:19,276 Speaker 2: It gets into this whole thing where like sometimes we 512 00:22:19,316 --> 00:22:21,116 Speaker 2: want to do something but we don't really want to do. 513 00:22:21,076 --> 00:22:22,756 Speaker 3: It, or we don't really want to do it, but 514 00:22:22,796 --> 00:22:25,156 Speaker 3: we want to do it. It just gets very, very confusing. 515 00:22:25,436 --> 00:22:27,316 Speaker 3: So I just say stay clear of that word. 516 00:22:27,196 --> 00:22:28,676 Speaker 1: And maybe we get a hint about how we can 517 00:22:28,716 --> 00:22:32,476 Speaker 1: do better from aphorism number nine, which is one of 518 00:22:32,516 --> 00:22:35,716 Speaker 1: the best uses of willpower is to avoid situations that 519 00:22:35,796 --> 00:22:36,996 Speaker 1: require willpower. 520 00:22:37,236 --> 00:22:38,956 Speaker 3: Oh yes, Oh my gosh. 521 00:22:39,036 --> 00:22:40,676 Speaker 1: I don't know where this one came from, but this 522 00:22:40,796 --> 00:22:43,596 Speaker 1: is basically just straight out of Aristotle. Like, this one's 523 00:22:43,676 --> 00:22:47,876 Speaker 1: really ancient. Aristotle thought that the way you have willpower 524 00:22:47,956 --> 00:22:50,196 Speaker 1: is you set up situations that you don't really need 525 00:22:50,236 --> 00:22:52,916 Speaker 1: it at all. You set to up situations so that basically, 526 00:22:52,956 --> 00:22:54,956 Speaker 1: your only reasonable course of action is to do the 527 00:22:54,996 --> 00:22:58,716 Speaker 1: thing that, at your very highest value level, you wanted 528 00:22:58,716 --> 00:22:59,676 Speaker 1: to do the most well. 529 00:22:59,676 --> 00:23:01,836 Speaker 2: When I wrote my book about habits better than before, 530 00:23:01,956 --> 00:23:04,516 Speaker 2: that's was just the deepest thing, which is like everything 531 00:23:04,556 --> 00:23:07,636 Speaker 2: should be a habit, Everything should be operating on automatic 532 00:23:07,716 --> 00:23:09,916 Speaker 2: so that you're not deploying what po like I have 533 00:23:09,916 --> 00:23:11,636 Speaker 2: a strong sweet tooth too. It sounds like you have 534 00:23:11,676 --> 00:23:13,636 Speaker 2: a big sweet tooth. So I just gave up sugar. 535 00:23:13,756 --> 00:23:15,316 Speaker 2: It's easier for me to just say, like I don't 536 00:23:15,316 --> 00:23:17,796 Speaker 2: need sugar. And then it's like do I eat this cupcake? No, 537 00:23:17,876 --> 00:23:19,396 Speaker 2: because I don't need sugar. Do I eat this piece 538 00:23:19,396 --> 00:23:20,116 Speaker 2: of free can eat? 539 00:23:20,116 --> 00:23:20,196 Speaker 1: No? 540 00:23:20,276 --> 00:23:22,756 Speaker 2: Because I don't need sugar. Then I don't need any wallpower, 541 00:23:22,796 --> 00:23:25,476 Speaker 2: because once you've done it for like not even that long, 542 00:23:25,916 --> 00:23:27,836 Speaker 2: your brain is just like, oh, that's not for me, 543 00:23:28,036 --> 00:23:29,796 Speaker 2: and it just kind of fades into the background. 544 00:23:29,836 --> 00:23:31,716 Speaker 1: So it sounds like your situation there is really like 545 00:23:31,916 --> 00:23:35,036 Speaker 1: using words again as we talked about before, to sort 546 00:23:35,036 --> 00:23:36,796 Speaker 1: of set up like I am not a sugar eater. 547 00:23:36,916 --> 00:23:39,236 Speaker 1: I just kind of get rid of it. My move 548 00:23:39,356 --> 00:23:42,596 Speaker 1: is situation support, Like I just don't have any sugar 549 00:23:43,036 --> 00:23:45,436 Speaker 1: in my house when I'm trying to avoid this sort 550 00:23:45,436 --> 00:23:45,716 Speaker 1: of thing. 551 00:23:45,916 --> 00:23:47,476 Speaker 2: You don't have to resist the ice cream in the 552 00:23:47,516 --> 00:23:49,556 Speaker 2: freezer because there's no ice cream in the freezer. 553 00:23:49,716 --> 00:23:53,396 Speaker 1: Yes, yes, physical situation support, but I also love to 554 00:23:53,476 --> 00:23:56,716 Speaker 1: use social situation support, right, which is like hang out 555 00:23:56,716 --> 00:23:58,516 Speaker 1: with other people who aren't going to like demand that 556 00:23:58,556 --> 00:24:00,516 Speaker 1: we go to ice cream shop or you know, hang 557 00:24:00,516 --> 00:24:03,316 Speaker 1: out with other people who buy their own behavior, model 558 00:24:03,356 --> 00:24:05,636 Speaker 1: this and make this easy for me. And that's actually 559 00:24:05,636 --> 00:24:08,236 Speaker 1: what Aristotle thought of. He said, you actually get virtue 560 00:24:08,236 --> 00:24:10,876 Speaker 1: from other people because your friends are your virtuous selves. 561 00:24:11,156 --> 00:24:11,356 Speaker 2: You know. 562 00:24:11,396 --> 00:24:12,796 Speaker 3: It's just it's something like with sugar. 563 00:24:12,996 --> 00:24:15,596 Speaker 2: It was so noisy, It was so boring to have 564 00:24:15,636 --> 00:24:17,676 Speaker 2: that in my head all the time, and I just remember, 565 00:24:17,796 --> 00:24:20,316 Speaker 2: like it would just be there, buzzing in my mind. 566 00:24:20,396 --> 00:24:22,476 Speaker 2: Is there there, It's there, And then I could just 567 00:24:22,556 --> 00:24:24,196 Speaker 2: decide to turn it off. 568 00:24:24,316 --> 00:24:26,716 Speaker 1: That is like your superpower, because like I've tried to 569 00:24:26,756 --> 00:24:28,996 Speaker 1: decide many times to shut it off, but my brain 570 00:24:29,076 --> 00:24:29,756 Speaker 1: just doesn't work. 571 00:24:29,836 --> 00:24:30,356 Speaker 3: Like that's it. 572 00:24:30,436 --> 00:24:33,836 Speaker 1: Never again. I have to like restructure my environment and 573 00:24:33,916 --> 00:24:35,156 Speaker 1: be around people who help. 574 00:24:35,236 --> 00:24:38,036 Speaker 2: And yeah, everybody has to kind of experiment to see 575 00:24:38,076 --> 00:24:41,116 Speaker 2: what works for them because we all are all very different, 576 00:24:41,116 --> 00:24:43,316 Speaker 2: and there's a lot of different ways to approach it. 577 00:24:43,396 --> 00:24:46,356 Speaker 1: Although, can I tell you a puzzle about this willpower aphorism, 578 00:24:46,396 --> 00:24:49,396 Speaker 1: which is that I have this former student, Ariela Crystal, 579 00:24:49,396 --> 00:24:52,996 Speaker 1: who's been looking at the consequences of how people judge 580 00:24:53,036 --> 00:24:56,316 Speaker 1: people who use these different strategies. And a curious thing 581 00:24:56,316 --> 00:24:58,116 Speaker 1: that she finds is that even though we know that 582 00:24:58,156 --> 00:25:01,356 Speaker 1: setting up these situation supports help you, she finds that 583 00:25:01,436 --> 00:25:04,796 Speaker 1: people like people who exert the willpower rather than set 584 00:25:04,836 --> 00:25:06,756 Speaker 1: up the situation. So if you tell them, you know, 585 00:25:06,956 --> 00:25:10,036 Speaker 1: person a Bob like really didn't want to eat sugar 586 00:25:10,156 --> 00:25:11,996 Speaker 1: and he just decided, you know, hey, I'm not going 587 00:25:12,076 --> 00:25:15,036 Speaker 1: to eat sugar anymore, right, Versus you know, there's Phil 588 00:25:15,116 --> 00:25:17,076 Speaker 1: who decided he didn't want to eat sugar anymore, and 589 00:25:17,116 --> 00:25:18,676 Speaker 1: he moved the sugar out of his house and he 590 00:25:18,796 --> 00:25:20,956 Speaker 1: made sure he only hung out with friends that weren't 591 00:25:20,956 --> 00:25:24,116 Speaker 1: eating sugar. What you find is that participants like Bob 592 00:25:24,196 --> 00:25:27,156 Speaker 1: better than Phil. They think Bob is more moral, a 593 00:25:27,196 --> 00:25:28,676 Speaker 1: stronger person, and so. 594 00:25:28,916 --> 00:25:32,356 Speaker 2: Or maybe they think that Phil's way is more realistic 595 00:25:32,396 --> 00:25:35,276 Speaker 2: and therefore is more of a challenge to themselves. Interesting, yeah, 596 00:25:35,316 --> 00:25:37,476 Speaker 2: because if they're like, well, I'm want some bob that 597 00:25:37,556 --> 00:25:39,196 Speaker 2: can just go off and do it. 598 00:25:39,436 --> 00:25:42,036 Speaker 3: So clearly that doesn't reflect on me. 599 00:25:42,676 --> 00:25:46,076 Speaker 2: I mean, many people, when they start making their habits better, 600 00:25:46,236 --> 00:25:49,236 Speaker 2: the people around them are often not very supportive, right, 601 00:25:49,356 --> 00:25:52,196 Speaker 2: because they start saying to themselves like maybe I should 602 00:25:52,196 --> 00:25:52,676 Speaker 2: be doing this. 603 00:25:52,676 --> 00:25:53,476 Speaker 3: And I don't want to. 604 00:25:54,036 --> 00:25:56,556 Speaker 2: So it might be that it makes them feel worse 605 00:25:56,596 --> 00:25:57,356 Speaker 2: about themselves. 606 00:25:57,956 --> 00:26:00,716 Speaker 1: Now jumping to number ten, aphorism about getting stuff done. 607 00:26:01,076 --> 00:26:04,676 Speaker 1: Focus on actions not outcomes. You update this to me 608 00:26:04,716 --> 00:26:07,156 Speaker 1: and don't try to learn to play the guitar. Just 609 00:26:07,276 --> 00:26:09,876 Speaker 1: play the guitar for twenty minutes every day. This is 610 00:26:09,996 --> 00:26:12,796 Speaker 1: very Yoda, who I think has a different aphorism, which 611 00:26:12,836 --> 00:26:15,156 Speaker 1: is do or do not There is no try. 612 00:26:15,356 --> 00:26:17,316 Speaker 2: Yeah, because a lot of times people will say things like, well, 613 00:26:17,356 --> 00:26:19,316 Speaker 2: I want to write a best selling novel. Well, you 614 00:26:19,356 --> 00:26:22,596 Speaker 2: can't control whether something is a bestseller, right, that's something 615 00:26:22,676 --> 00:26:26,236 Speaker 2: other people have to do. And you can't even control 616 00:26:26,276 --> 00:26:28,556 Speaker 2: whether you can publish a novel, but you can write. 617 00:26:28,796 --> 00:26:31,516 Speaker 2: People tend to have vague outcomes. People will say them 618 00:26:31,556 --> 00:26:34,196 Speaker 2: they're like I want to learn Italian. It's like that's 619 00:26:34,196 --> 00:26:38,516 Speaker 2: a major major am right, Or get more fun out 620 00:26:38,516 --> 00:26:41,196 Speaker 2: of life, whereas if you're really focusing on your action, 621 00:26:41,396 --> 00:26:45,156 Speaker 2: like I'm going to watch a classic movie every Sunday night. 622 00:26:45,636 --> 00:26:47,196 Speaker 3: That's something where you're like, did you do it? Did 623 00:26:47,236 --> 00:26:47,636 Speaker 3: you not do it? 624 00:26:47,676 --> 00:26:49,116 Speaker 2: And that's a way to get more fun out of life. 625 00:26:49,196 --> 00:26:51,556 Speaker 2: Or I'm going to practice my Italian half an hour 626 00:26:51,596 --> 00:26:53,436 Speaker 2: a day. You can measure it. You know whether you 627 00:26:53,476 --> 00:26:54,596 Speaker 2: did it or didn't do it, so you get a 628 00:26:54,596 --> 00:26:57,196 Speaker 2: feeling of satisfaction. It's taking you toward your aim. But 629 00:26:57,236 --> 00:26:59,076 Speaker 2: otherwise these aims are just so big and vague. It's 630 00:26:59,116 --> 00:27:01,596 Speaker 2: like on any one day you're not going to have 631 00:27:01,676 --> 00:27:04,436 Speaker 2: done it. It's very hard to even know if you're 632 00:27:04,476 --> 00:27:05,396 Speaker 2: making progress. 633 00:27:05,436 --> 00:27:08,116 Speaker 1: Yeah, it reminds me of what researchers often call these 634 00:27:08,156 --> 00:27:13,876 Speaker 1: smart goals. Yes, smart is this acronym that stands for specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, 635 00:27:13,876 --> 00:27:16,876 Speaker 1: and time bound. The actions can be very specific. You 636 00:27:16,916 --> 00:27:18,596 Speaker 1: can measure whether you did them or not. You know 637 00:27:18,636 --> 00:27:20,476 Speaker 1: it that you can do them. Yes, you can set 638 00:27:20,476 --> 00:27:22,796 Speaker 1: a time limit on them so you know exactly when 639 00:27:22,796 --> 00:27:25,636 Speaker 1: you're supposed to do that specific action. And the interesting 640 00:27:25,676 --> 00:27:27,516 Speaker 1: thing is like, even if you don't get to the outcome, 641 00:27:27,796 --> 00:27:29,676 Speaker 1: you're getting closer to it than if you didn't do 642 00:27:29,716 --> 00:27:31,036 Speaker 1: the actions in the first place. 643 00:27:30,876 --> 00:27:33,356 Speaker 2: Exactly because you may never be fluent in Italian, but 644 00:27:33,396 --> 00:27:36,036 Speaker 2: you're good enough to, like, you know, go to Italy 645 00:27:36,076 --> 00:27:36,916 Speaker 2: and talk to the waiter. 646 00:27:36,956 --> 00:27:38,036 Speaker 1: I can order a canoli. 647 00:27:38,676 --> 00:27:39,116 Speaker 3: Yeah. 648 00:27:39,156 --> 00:27:41,236 Speaker 2: So I think that that's why it's better to focus 649 00:27:41,236 --> 00:27:42,676 Speaker 2: on your actions than on your outcomes. 650 00:27:42,676 --> 00:27:45,076 Speaker 1: And so those were some pieces of advice for getting 651 00:27:45,116 --> 00:27:49,196 Speaker 1: stuff done. My final two favorite aphorisms are pieces of 652 00:27:49,196 --> 00:27:53,156 Speaker 1: advice we can use in tough times, starting with number eleven. Sometimes, 653 00:27:53,196 --> 00:27:55,916 Speaker 1: to keep going, we need to allow ourselves to stop. 654 00:27:57,836 --> 00:28:00,036 Speaker 1: This one, you know, especially in times when I was 655 00:28:00,036 --> 00:28:03,396 Speaker 1: experiencing lots of burnout myself reminding myself about the need 656 00:28:03,436 --> 00:28:07,556 Speaker 1: to rest. That rest is an investment so essential but 657 00:28:07,556 --> 00:28:10,596 Speaker 1: so so hard to remember, right, And I like the 658 00:28:10,596 --> 00:28:12,796 Speaker 1: word stop, not just Sometimes to keep going, we need 659 00:28:12,796 --> 00:28:15,396 Speaker 1: to allow ourselves to rest. Sometimes to keep going, you 660 00:28:15,436 --> 00:28:19,396 Speaker 1: need to allow yourself to stop, not just rest, but pause. Yeah, 661 00:28:19,476 --> 00:28:20,476 Speaker 1: take a step away. 662 00:28:20,796 --> 00:28:23,076 Speaker 2: Right. Sometimes you just think if I just go, go, go, 663 00:28:23,076 --> 00:28:24,836 Speaker 2: go go, I will just power through it, and then 664 00:28:24,876 --> 00:28:29,796 Speaker 2: you just become more and more drained and overwhelmed and unfocused. 665 00:28:30,236 --> 00:28:31,956 Speaker 2: I'm a big believer in a good night's sleep. I mean, 666 00:28:31,996 --> 00:28:34,436 Speaker 2: if there is a cliche that I live by. It's 667 00:28:34,476 --> 00:28:36,596 Speaker 2: everything looks better after good night sleep. I'll get a 668 00:28:36,636 --> 00:28:38,636 Speaker 2: bed at seven forty five if I'm having a really 669 00:28:38,676 --> 00:28:40,276 Speaker 2: really bad day because I'm like, I just need this 670 00:28:40,396 --> 00:28:42,516 Speaker 2: day to be over. I'll feel better in the morning. 671 00:28:43,076 --> 00:28:44,716 Speaker 2: Even that kind of letting yourself stop. 672 00:28:44,876 --> 00:28:47,516 Speaker 1: And so final piece of advice for tough times in 673 00:28:47,556 --> 00:28:51,036 Speaker 1: my final aphorism, which I really loved, things often get 674 00:28:51,076 --> 00:28:55,196 Speaker 1: messier before they get tidier. Yes, I've literally since I 675 00:28:55,236 --> 00:28:57,756 Speaker 1: read this aphorism, told this to four different people in 676 00:28:57,796 --> 00:29:00,116 Speaker 1: my life who are going through various tough times and 677 00:29:00,236 --> 00:29:04,076 Speaker 1: various moments of untidiness. So true, but we forget that 678 00:29:04,116 --> 00:29:06,596 Speaker 1: things getting a little bit worse isn't necessarily a sign 679 00:29:06,676 --> 00:29:08,476 Speaker 1: that they're not going to get better. We just can't 680 00:29:08,836 --> 00:29:12,236 Speaker 1: think about paths towards progress without assuming it's going to 681 00:29:12,236 --> 00:29:13,156 Speaker 1: be in some straight line. 682 00:29:13,276 --> 00:29:15,756 Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, this is one of those that's literally 683 00:29:15,796 --> 00:29:19,396 Speaker 2: true and also metaphorically true, because it's literally true if 684 00:29:19,396 --> 00:29:21,476 Speaker 2: you've ever tried to like clean out your closet, but 685 00:29:21,556 --> 00:29:23,876 Speaker 2: it's also very metaphorically true if you're trying to do 686 00:29:23,916 --> 00:29:27,876 Speaker 2: something like switch careers or change a relationship or something 687 00:29:27,956 --> 00:29:30,156 Speaker 2: a lot of times it can get very messy before 688 00:29:30,276 --> 00:29:31,036 Speaker 2: it gets cleared up. 689 00:29:31,076 --> 00:29:33,636 Speaker 1: I think it's also like even locally, like trying to 690 00:29:33,676 --> 00:29:36,156 Speaker 1: get through a tough emotion. Right, I've been trying to 691 00:29:36,196 --> 00:29:38,556 Speaker 1: engage in all these practices I tell my students about, 692 00:29:38,596 --> 00:29:40,876 Speaker 1: you know, sitting with and accepting your emotions and when 693 00:29:40,916 --> 00:29:43,676 Speaker 1: you decide to do that. Wow, does it feel messy 694 00:29:43,676 --> 00:29:45,836 Speaker 1: when you're sitting with sadness? Or wow does it feel 695 00:29:45,876 --> 00:29:48,436 Speaker 1: messy when you're really noticing that overwhelmed. Yeah, but if 696 00:29:48,476 --> 00:29:50,116 Speaker 1: you give yourself time to do that, then all of 697 00:29:50,156 --> 00:29:53,636 Speaker 1: a sudden, Oh, you wind up in a much better place. Yes, 698 00:29:53,756 --> 00:29:56,196 Speaker 1: but the tidiness is on the other side. Yeah. Well 699 00:29:56,276 --> 00:29:58,916 Speaker 1: those are my favorite twelve and I hope my Happiness 700 00:29:58,996 --> 00:30:00,556 Speaker 1: Lab listeners will check out the rest. 701 00:30:00,396 --> 00:30:00,796 Speaker 3: Of the book. 702 00:30:00,916 --> 00:30:03,116 Speaker 2: Well, this is so fun for me to hear which 703 00:30:03,116 --> 00:30:06,036 Speaker 2: ones resonated with you, especially since you yourself are such a 704 00:30:06,196 --> 00:30:07,076 Speaker 2: happiness expert. 705 00:30:07,116 --> 00:30:09,276 Speaker 3: It's fun to see what cut your off. 706 00:30:09,236 --> 00:30:10,756 Speaker 1: Want to learn more or they want to hear more 707 00:30:10,796 --> 00:30:11,676 Speaker 1: from you. Where should they go? 708 00:30:11,916 --> 00:30:13,676 Speaker 2: Well, they can got to a Happier cast dot com, 709 00:30:13,716 --> 00:30:16,876 Speaker 2: slash secrets, and then there's all kinds of information about 710 00:30:16,916 --> 00:30:19,076 Speaker 2: the books and excerps and you can see the cover 711 00:30:19,436 --> 00:30:21,796 Speaker 2: and order it if you want, or you can just 712 00:30:21,836 --> 00:30:22,916 Speaker 2: wherever books are sold. 713 00:30:23,796 --> 00:30:27,596 Speaker 1: And just to recap my favorite of Gretchen's aphorisms. Number one, 714 00:30:27,756 --> 00:30:31,316 Speaker 1: happiness doesn't always make us feel happy. Number two. We 715 00:30:31,396 --> 00:30:35,276 Speaker 1: care for many people we don't particularly care for. Number three. 716 00:30:35,476 --> 00:30:39,436 Speaker 1: Repeatedly rehearsing disaster doesn't protect us from it. Number four. 717 00:30:39,876 --> 00:30:43,196 Speaker 1: One day now will be a long time ago. Number five. 718 00:30:43,516 --> 00:30:47,236 Speaker 1: By changing our words, we can change our perspective. Number six. 719 00:30:47,556 --> 00:30:51,836 Speaker 1: Accept yourself and expect more from yourself. Number seven. Good 720 00:30:51,836 --> 00:30:56,356 Speaker 1: intentions mean nothing unless they inspire practical actions. Number eight. 721 00:30:56,636 --> 00:31:00,716 Speaker 1: Don't expect to be motivated by motivation. Number nine. One 722 00:31:00,756 --> 00:31:03,676 Speaker 1: of the best uses of willpower is to avoid situations 723 00:31:03,716 --> 00:31:08,636 Speaker 1: that require willpower. Number ten. Focus on actions, not outcomes. 724 00:31:09,236 --> 00:31:12,516 Speaker 1: Number eleven. Sometimes to keep going, we need to allow 725 00:31:12,556 --> 00:31:16,916 Speaker 1: ourselves to stop. And finally, number twelve, things often get 726 00:31:16,916 --> 00:31:20,476 Speaker 1: messier before they get tidier. I hope at least one 727 00:31:20,516 --> 00:31:23,036 Speaker 1: of these nuggets of wisdom connected with you as much 728 00:31:23,036 --> 00:31:25,356 Speaker 1: as they've resonated with me. But that's not the end 729 00:31:25,356 --> 00:31:27,556 Speaker 1: of the wisdom that Gretchen will be giving the Happiness 730 00:31:27,596 --> 00:31:30,636 Speaker 1: Lab community, because next time Gretchen will return to share 731 00:31:30,636 --> 00:31:34,476 Speaker 1: an episode from her podcast's news series on Happiness, one 732 00:31:34,596 --> 00:31:37,436 Speaker 1: in which the two of us chat about friendships, how 733 00:31:37,476 --> 00:31:39,596 Speaker 1: they evolve, how they go wrong, and what we can 734 00:31:39,636 --> 00:31:41,836 Speaker 1: do to make them healthier. So be sure to return 735 00:31:41,916 --> 00:31:44,716 Speaker 1: for a special friendship round table next time on the 736 00:31:44,756 --> 00:31:47,236 Speaker 1: Happiness Lab with me doctor Laurie Santos