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Speaker 1: Now here's a highlight from Coast to Coast AM on iHeartRadio.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to Coast to Coast George nor with you

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Speaker 1: along with Spencer Coursen. His book is called The Safety Trap.

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Speaker 1: His website is linked up at Coast to Coast dot com. Spencer.

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Speaker 1: In your book The Safety Trap, you mentioned social networking

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Speaker 1: and how and I have noticed this too. People put

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Speaker 1: on where they are, the food they're eating, the restaurant

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Speaker 1: they're in. Everything's on social network these days. You're saying

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Speaker 1: that's way too much. The average person has no real

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Speaker 1: idea how much personal information they share over a six

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Speaker 1: month period. And I and I say this to not

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Speaker 1: concern you know, not to be a fearmongerer, because what

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Speaker 1: you post online may not be the reason you are targeted,

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Speaker 1: but what you post online will make those who want

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Speaker 1: to target you more successful in doing so. So, you know,

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Speaker 1: I have an example in the book where a friend

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Speaker 1: of a of a particular couple re emerged from you know,

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Speaker 1: after some years of separation and kind of reacquainted himself

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Speaker 1: with the family and then was basically doing so just

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Speaker 1: to rob him and followed, you know, he knew that

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Speaker 1: they had an anniversary coming up, and that his wife

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Speaker 1: was very active on social media, and so his wife was,

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Speaker 1: you know, posting, this is where we're going for dinner,

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Speaker 1: and this is the itinerary that my husband made for Oh,

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Speaker 1: we're going to be out of the house for three

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Speaker 1: hours Instagram stories as a countdown clock to how much

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Speaker 1: time he had left to rob them, and he did,

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Speaker 1: and he did. You talk about a coffee house alias?

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Speaker 1: What is that? So a coffee house alias is? I

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Speaker 1: always ask my clients, Hey, what's your Starbucks name? And

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Speaker 1: I say that because you know, coffee houses love to

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Speaker 1: curate that interpersonal dynamic by hey, what's your name? And

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Speaker 1: what's your drink? And how can I make this would

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Speaker 1: or specialized for you? But you know, it's great for

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Speaker 1: them to then call out your name when you're when

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Speaker 1: your order is ready. But then you're walking around the

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Speaker 1: rest of the day with your name emblazon like a

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Speaker 1: billboard on the side of your coffee cup, telling everyone

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Speaker 1: and their friend and your your name when they have

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Speaker 1: absolutely no business doing so. And then after being engaged

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Speaker 1: in the small you know, chit chat, what if like,

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Speaker 1: you know, the creepy guy from down the street now

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Speaker 1: becomes an inappropriate pursuer because now he not only knows

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Speaker 1: your name, but knows how you like your coffee shop

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Speaker 1: you get it to every day. And like I said

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Speaker 1: about the oversharing, it's just those little pieces of information

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Speaker 1: which on their own may seem benign, but as they are,

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Speaker 1: you know, added to a you know, kind of like

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Speaker 1: a jigsaw puzzle, where one piece may be not all

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Speaker 1: that significant, but when that piece is added to another piece,

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Speaker 1: and another piece and another piece, you can really start

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Speaker 1: to put a mosaic together about a person's preferences, like's

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Speaker 1: behaviors and likelihood of alcohol. It's probably safer to do that,

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Speaker 1: isn't it. I always like to know, just tell want

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Speaker 1: to embrace their their own little like Harry Mathison or

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Speaker 1: Jason Bourne, and just you know, just because you're being

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Speaker 1: friendly with someone doesn't necessarily mean that you need to

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Speaker 1: be their friends. So there's nothing wrong with just, you know,

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Speaker 1: employing just a little bit of fun spycraft just to

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Speaker 1: ensure your own safety. And what's that You have a

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Speaker 1: chapter where you say, and I find this to be fascinating.

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Speaker 1: Being too polite sometimes can be dangerous and backfire on people. Absolutely,

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Speaker 1: our unwillingness to offend another should never come at the

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Speaker 1: cost of defending ourselves. One of, you know, the biggest

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Speaker 1: safety traps that we all fall into is our unwillingness

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Speaker 1: to be, you know, disagreeable to just say that, you know,

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Speaker 1: a yes to someone else should never come at the

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Speaker 1: cost of a no to ourselves. I mean, I don't

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Speaker 1: know if you've ever seen the movie Bombshell, which was

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Speaker 1: about like the Roger Ales scenario. Oh yeah, but there's

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Speaker 1: a there's a there's a great scene in that movie

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Speaker 1: where you know, he tries to he tries to get

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Speaker 1: with the Megan Kelly character, and Megan Kelly is just like, no,

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Speaker 1: absolutely not. I'm sort of like, you know, immediately puts

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Speaker 1: an end to it. And then that's contrasted against the

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Speaker 1: Margot Robbie character, who wants to get on air, and

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Speaker 1: so he says, well, you know, give me a little twirl,

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Speaker 1: and she knows that she shouldn't, but she doesn't want

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Speaker 1: to upset him, so she instead of saying, you know, hey, absolutely,

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Speaker 1: mister Rails, why don't we schedule a screen test. We

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Speaker 1: can get all gill the cameras held or whatever you

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Speaker 1: want to But she instead stands up and gives him

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Speaker 1: a little twirl. And then what he's basically doing in

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Speaker 1: that point, and what all predators do is they look

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Speaker 1: for weakness that they can exploit, because if you're willing

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Speaker 1: to not be so disagreeable in the little things, you're

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Speaker 1: probably not going to stand up for yourself in the

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Speaker 1: big things. And in that exact scene, he says, all, well,

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Speaker 1: not just like your skirt up a little bit, a

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Speaker 1: little bit more, a little bit more. And all he's

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Speaker 1: doing is just seeing how far can I push this?

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Speaker 1: How much is she going to stand up for herself?

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Speaker 1: Because like most predators, they don't want to go after

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Speaker 1: the hard target. They want to go after the weakest

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Speaker 1: of the herd. And so the more that you can

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Speaker 1: promote your own protective posture. And I'm not saying that,

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Speaker 1: you know, being too polite it means you have to

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Speaker 1: be mean, but being polite is a courtesy. Standing up

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Speaker 1: for yourself is a priority. And what about homeless people.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I tend to give money to them because

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Speaker 1: I feel sorry for them, and that is that in

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Speaker 1: that category of being too polite or not. Well, here's

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Speaker 1: the thing with I mean, I don't ever want to

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Speaker 1: tell anyone that they can't be a good contributing member

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Speaker 1: to their society. And you know, I have actually some

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Speaker 1: pretty good relationships with some homeless people here and around

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Speaker 1: Austin that I see while I'm walking my dog or

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Speaker 1: I'm doing you know, doing my workouts or what have you.

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Speaker 1: But I personally don't like to give people that I

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Speaker 1: see all the time money because I don't want to

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Speaker 1: frame that expectation that I don't want to frame the

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Speaker 1: expectation that there is an expectation that I will be

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Speaker 1: giving them. Well, what I tell them is you got

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Speaker 1: you got me yesterday, remember, And then they go oh yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: and then they leave me alone. I mean that that's

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Speaker 1: great if you can establish that rapport and you're comfortable

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Speaker 1: doing so. But I personally always recommend give money to

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Speaker 1: the agencies that that helped them, or if you want

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Speaker 1: to give them a sandwich, or you if you want to.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I'm never going to tell anyone that they

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Speaker 1: can't do something all that, you know, they can't do

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Speaker 1: something to help their their fellow neighbor, their fellow citizens.

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Speaker 1: They're a fellow you know. Um, well, what's the downside though?

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Speaker 1: Why are you concerned about that, because it's very likely

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Speaker 1: that that will go from you gave them a dollar

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Speaker 1: that now they want five. You gave them five, now

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Speaker 1: they want ten. And what you're really doing is putting

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Speaker 1: yourself at a tactical disadvantage to have to say no

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Speaker 1: to someone who you once said yes too before. And

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Speaker 1: why put yourself in a position where someone you know

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Speaker 1: would any time I'm assessing threats for public figures or

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Speaker 1: celebrities or you know, anyone who is in a public

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Speaker 1: facing position, a CEO, what have you. The people who

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Speaker 1: always love us will always love us, but the people

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Speaker 1: and the people who always hate us will mostly always

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Speaker 1: hate us. But what is most concerning is the people

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Speaker 1: who now hate us but used to love us, because

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Speaker 1: now there's an emotional investment in the grievance. And any

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Speaker 1: time you cannot put yourself in that position to have that,

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Speaker 1: that concern arise should be taken. And you know, there's

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Speaker 1: there's there's many many ways to help the homeless without

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Speaker 1: direct action. Interesting, but if you can afford it and

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Speaker 1: do it, no big deal. If you can afford it

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Speaker 1: and do it, and then you can also ensure the

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Speaker 1: safeguards for the future concerns which may arise from that. Absolutely,

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Speaker 1: but yeah, I mean you don't want them following you

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Speaker 1: do your car and stuff like that, right, I think

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Speaker 1: it's very important. Like a lot of people like to

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Speaker 1: play checkers, but a lot of life is chess. So

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Speaker 1: if you can see what five moves down on the

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Speaker 1: board will look like, then absolutely do it. Of your know,

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Speaker 1: do it is best for you. But don't think for

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Speaker 1: a second by just doing one thing once is going

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Speaker 1: to be a one time thing. Any special recommendations for parents,

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Speaker 1: we've you know, many of us who have been parents

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Speaker 1: and have kids. You know, I used to watch them

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Speaker 1: like a hawk when they were little ones spencer. You

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Speaker 1: know what's funny is that all of my my sister

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Speaker 1: has kids, and all my friends who have kids, they

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Speaker 1: watch them like hawks. And I don't remember my parents.

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Speaker 1: I mean, my parents kicks me out the front thor

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Speaker 1: and said don't come back till the street wedge. No,

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Speaker 1: I don't know if that kind of like sort of

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Speaker 1: taught me to learn, you know, the streets a bit better.

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Speaker 1: But I do think that there is a one of

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Speaker 1: the chapters I have in the book is about over

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Speaker 1: protecting children because parents kind of want to safe guard

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Speaker 1: their kids from the realistic, you know, realities of the world.

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Speaker 1: There's a lot of wackos out there. There are a

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Speaker 1: lot of whackos out there, but there are also a

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Speaker 1: lot of really good people. Oh yeah. One of the

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Speaker 1: things I talk about is how stranger danger is a

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Speaker 1: one way street. How if your child is alone in

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Speaker 1: a frit like I talk about, there's a section in

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Speaker 1: the book where we come across a mother who whose

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Speaker 1: child went missing in Central Park and my security, the

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Speaker 1: security detail that I was leading, helped a mother to

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Speaker 1: find her child and they found the child sitting alone

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Speaker 1: on a bench on the other side of the park,

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Speaker 1: and the mom was like, how come you didn't you

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Speaker 1: didn't ask for help? And the child, you know, kind

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Speaker 1: of cried out to her mom because everyone was a

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Speaker 1: stranger and he's been told don't talk to strangers, because

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Speaker 1: they've been told don't talk to strangers exactly. But so

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Speaker 1: if you just explain to your child that it is

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Speaker 1: while it is not at all appropriate for an adult

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Speaker 1: to ask a child for help, it is perfectly acceptable

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Speaker 1: for a child to ask him a dolt for help.

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Speaker 1: And so one of the things I champion in the

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Speaker 1: book is the three fs of flags, family, and food.

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Speaker 1: If you see a flag on the building, or a

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Speaker 1: flag on a uniform, or a flag on a bag,

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Speaker 1: that's probably a safe person to ask for help. If

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Speaker 1: you see anyone who is serving food, whether that be

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Speaker 1: the pretzel guy or the guy serving ice cream, or

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Speaker 1: the man or the woman you know running whatever, you know,

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Speaker 1: ice cream cart they may have in the park, those

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Speaker 1: are appropriate people to ask for help because you know

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Speaker 1: that those people are going to be properly permitied, They're

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Speaker 1: gonna have a background check, they're gonna be licensed. And

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Speaker 1: of course anytime you see other families, if you see

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Speaker 1: another mother with a child, if you see another father

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Speaker 1: with the child, if you see any other children with

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Speaker 1: any other adult, it is very it is a very

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Speaker 1: safe assumption to know that those people will be absolutely

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Speaker 1: prepared to help your child. But what you do not

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Speaker 1: want to do is put your child in a position

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Speaker 1: where they are unprepared to participate in their own protection

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Speaker 1: because of some irrational field that all strangers are bad.

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Speaker 1: And you talk about safe havens, what are safe havens?

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Speaker 1: So a safe haven is any place where you know

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Speaker 1: you can go to be safe when you're which when

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Speaker 1: anytime you're outside of home. And one of the one

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Speaker 1: of the first times that I really championed this was

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Speaker 1: right after the Boston marathon bombing, because so many people

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Speaker 1: familiar with the with the city escape of Boston as

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Speaker 1: they were their own homes. And so one of the

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Speaker 1: best things you can do if you're ever away on

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Speaker 1: vacation or if you're ever away from home is identify

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Speaker 1: those places where you know you can go to be safe.

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Speaker 1: And one of those things, you know, there's always going

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Speaker 1: to be a a police department's, firehouses, libraries, but one of

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Speaker 1: the best ones is restaurants, because you may not remember

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Speaker 1: like where your hotel is, but you're definitely going to

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Speaker 1: remember where you had lunch that day, or where you

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Speaker 1: had dinner or breakfast that morning. And the great thing

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Speaker 1: about restaurants is one they can accommodate large crowds of

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Speaker 1: people too. They're gonna have food and water. Three, they're

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Speaker 1: going to have restrooms. Four they're going to have at least, like,

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Speaker 1: you know, some semblance of medical supplies for the cuts

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Speaker 1: and bruises that occur in the kitchen. But most importantly,

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Speaker 1: they're gonna have hardline phones in Internet, so if you

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Speaker 1: are in a situation like the Boston Marathon where the

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Speaker 1: cell phone towers go down, you will still be able

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Speaker 1: to communicate with your loved ones and let them know

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Speaker 1: you're okay, and they have knives in the kitchen if

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Speaker 1: you need something and they have knives in the kitchen,

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Speaker 1: or you can hide in the in the dry storage. Absolutely. Now,

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Speaker 1: the basis of the book the Safety Trap a security

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Speaker 1: expert secrets are staying safe in the dangerous world are

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Speaker 1: based on what kind of scenario or scenarios. Yeah, so

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Speaker 1: the safety trap is a phrase I coined a few

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Speaker 1: years ago when helping my clients to understand the false

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Speaker 1: sense of security which occurs when our fears have abated

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Speaker 1: but risk remains, Which is another way of saying that

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Speaker 1: sometimes feeling safe is the most dangerous thing we do.

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Speaker 1: And what I did in what I realized was that

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Speaker 1: there were probably fifteen or sixteen of these so called

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Speaker 1: trappings that kept getting all of my clients into trouble.

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Speaker 1: One of them may be avoidance, one of them may

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Speaker 1: be overconfidence, one maybe over protecting children. One may be

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Speaker 1: false equivalents. And what I really tried to do was

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Speaker 1: using real world examples, would say, hey, listen, here's something

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Speaker 1: that happened to this TV star client of mind when

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Speaker 1: she started getting these inappropriate concerns from a particular pursuer,

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Speaker 1: and she didn't want to deal with it, and she

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Speaker 1: kind of put them out of her mind. And then,

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Speaker 1: you know, for a short time she was able to

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Speaker 1: do that, but then six weeks later, when this guy

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Speaker 1: showed up on set, her reticence to address that present

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Speaker 1: day concern allowed that concern to escalate into future crisis.

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Speaker 1: And so I say, here's what happened, here's how it

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Speaker 1: was allowed to happen, and here are five protective strategies

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Speaker 1: that can keep that from happening to you. Basically, what

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Speaker 1: I wanted to do was not scare people with you know,

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Speaker 1: you know, the crazy, outlandish, um you know, uh, overly

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Speaker 1: dramatic concerns that may not impact them in their everyday life,

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Speaker 1: but to address the very real concerns that all of

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Speaker 1: us faced in our everyday lives. And you know, sometimes

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Speaker 1: it's one of those things where we don't we don't uh,

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Speaker 1: we don't stub our TEL on the things we notice.

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Speaker 1: We stub our TEL on the things we don't. But

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Speaker 1: it's not like that that you know that lego in

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Speaker 1: the kitchen just appeared on the floor. It was always there,

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Speaker 1: You just weren't expecting to see it, so you didn't

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Speaker 1: see it. And this book is really about raising our

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Speaker 1: awareness to the real world risks so that we can

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Speaker 1: identify them before they escalate into reality. Is it healthy, Spencer?

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Speaker 1: Being afraid? Doesn't that kick your adrenaline into high gear

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Speaker 1: and make you do things more efficiently? No, being a being,

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Speaker 1: you want to be a little bit afraid, but you

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Speaker 1: don't want to be anxious or have anxiety. Right. One

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Speaker 1: of my are you familiar with? Have you ever seen

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Speaker 1: anything like the Marvel movies or the Captain America? Okay,

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Speaker 1: so one of my favorite scenes in I think it's

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Speaker 1: the first Avengers movie is Captain America turns to Bruce

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Speaker 1: Banner and he says, hey, Kat, in time for you

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Speaker 1: to get angry because we need the bad guy. And

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Speaker 1: doctor Banner kind of turns back and goes, well, that's

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Speaker 1: my secret, cap I'm always angry. And with that he

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Speaker 1: just like kind of like tears his shirt off and

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Speaker 1: becomes the Hawk. I think the interesting thing there is

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Speaker 1: that for most of doctor Banner's life. He had all

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Speaker 1: of this anxiety about not being triggered because he didn't

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Speaker 1: want the Hulk to come out from anywhere. And but

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Speaker 1: by just understanding that if he just had that healthy

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Speaker 1: sense of skepticism and that moderate dose of vigilance and

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Speaker 1: that just a little bit of safety or that little

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Speaker 1: bit of anger and fear at Bay, that allowed him

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Speaker 1: to keep control of his of his of his of

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Speaker 1: his you know, holkness. But when it was when he

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Speaker 1: tried to avoid it or tried to you know, ignore it,

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Speaker 1: that's when the Hulk took over over him. And what

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Speaker 1: I think that that that particular scene in that movie

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Speaker 1: demonstrated rather well was we want to be in control

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Speaker 1: of our fear. We don't want our fear to be

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Speaker 1: in control of us. Listen to more Coast to Coast

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Speaker 1: AM every weeknight at one a m. Eastern and go

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Speaker 1: to Coast to Coast am dot com for more