1 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,240 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:16,840 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:22,240 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. 5 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:27,000 Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 6 00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:30,680 Speaker 2: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in 7 00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:32,479 Speaker 2: the world, it is so great to have you here. 8 00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:35,960 Speaker 2: Back for another episode as we, of course break down 9 00:00:36,159 --> 00:00:41,720 Speaker 2: the psychology of our twenties. When we think of friendships, 10 00:00:42,479 --> 00:00:46,040 Speaker 2: I'd hope most of us think of these very glorious relationships, 11 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:49,760 Speaker 2: like the reason the world spins the most glorious moments 12 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:54,200 Speaker 2: of laughter and conversation, and like someone who you don't 13 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:59,800 Speaker 2: have to explain yourself to, and like ultimate comfortability. Friendship 14 00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:05,160 Speaker 2: is obviously supposed to be kind of a place of 15 00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:11,679 Speaker 2: like ease and safety and joy. But sometimes, you know, 16 00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:15,920 Speaker 2: let's just say it very simply, it just isn't. Sometimes 17 00:01:15,959 --> 00:01:18,440 Speaker 2: a friendship does start to feel more like an obligation 18 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:23,039 Speaker 2: or a drain or a source of anxiety. Unfortunately, for 19 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:25,000 Speaker 2: those who have you know, those of us who have 20 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:29,320 Speaker 2: been in this situation, some friendships can become very toxic 21 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:34,040 Speaker 2: and show patterns of control and disrespect and manipulation that 22 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:36,520 Speaker 2: do a number on us really start to chip away 23 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:38,880 Speaker 2: at our self esteem, and that brings me to the 24 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:43,959 Speaker 2: focus of today's episode. Obviously, we are talking about toxic friendships, 25 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:49,560 Speaker 2: specifically the five types of toxic friendships that you will encounter, 26 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:51,760 Speaker 2: not just in your twenties, but I think in life 27 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:55,800 Speaker 2: in general. I obviously love focusing on like the beauty 28 00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:58,280 Speaker 2: of friendship and like how wonderful it is and how 29 00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:03,240 Speaker 2: much it brings us. And I'm kind of always a 30 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:06,000 Speaker 2: little bit bummed to talk about the less positive sides 31 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:08,480 Speaker 2: of friendship, but it does need to be acknowledged. We 32 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:12,200 Speaker 2: are so good at talking about red flags and relationships 33 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:17,760 Speaker 2: scigns of toxic or narcissistic partners, but platonic relationships are 34 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:20,600 Speaker 2: just as important and therefore can sometimes be just as 35 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,800 Speaker 2: difficult and harmful. And in your twenties, I think this 36 00:02:23,919 --> 00:02:29,440 Speaker 2: is even more complicated. Friendship means so much to us 37 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:33,160 Speaker 2: in this decade, but also your life is rapidly changing, 38 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:36,280 Speaker 2: and sometimes our friendships don't match up with what else 39 00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:39,800 Speaker 2: is happening in our life. Maybe you've had or you've 40 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:43,880 Speaker 2: found success, and suddenly this relationship has become competitive or 41 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:46,680 Speaker 2: your friends made new friends, and now it's one sided. 42 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:50,079 Speaker 2: Now it's rooted in criticism. Now you're no longer supporting 43 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:53,200 Speaker 2: each other. Here's the truth. Not every friendship is meant 44 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:57,520 Speaker 2: to last forever. Yet we so often hold on because 45 00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:01,560 Speaker 2: friendship is wrapped up in these ideas of loyalty and longevity. 46 00:03:01,639 --> 00:03:03,799 Speaker 2: And I think at the end of the day, hope 47 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:06,280 Speaker 2: we all have this image. We've all talked to our 48 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:10,480 Speaker 2: friends about being in each other's weddings, knowing each other's children, 49 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:13,560 Speaker 2: being in the nursing home together. And so when that 50 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:17,120 Speaker 2: becomes obvious that that's not going to be the future, 51 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:20,080 Speaker 2: it can feel like a betrayal. But sometimes it is 52 00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:24,560 Speaker 2: absolutely necessary and quite frankly worth it to acknowledgement of 53 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:28,480 Speaker 2: friendship is no longer suiting us, or when it has 54 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:31,880 Speaker 2: turned toxic. So today we're going to talk about that, 55 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:35,040 Speaker 2: the five types of toxic friendships that we might encounter, 56 00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:38,840 Speaker 2: how to recognize them, how to know when you're in one, 57 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:42,640 Speaker 2: how to navigate getting out of one, especially when you're 58 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:45,200 Speaker 2: in like a broader friendship group, and when it is 59 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:51,360 Speaker 2: absolutely time to walk away, time to say just goodbye, 60 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:54,200 Speaker 2: and how to do that. There's quite a lot. I've 61 00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:57,320 Speaker 2: realized there's a lot to talk about, but I am ready. 62 00:03:57,360 --> 00:04:00,480 Speaker 2: I hope you are too. Without further ado, let's get 63 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:08,080 Speaker 2: into it. If you think back to being a child, 64 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:12,120 Speaker 2: you know your world was relatively small. Like the people 65 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:14,840 Speaker 2: who mattered to you are, like your family, and like 66 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,719 Speaker 2: the neighborhood kids, or like the kids you go to 67 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:20,360 Speaker 2: school with. They weren't really chosen, they're just kind of there. 68 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:23,400 Speaker 2: Same thing in adolescents, maybe they matter a little bit more, 69 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:27,599 Speaker 2: but it's definitely tied up in like school and proximity. 70 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:30,719 Speaker 2: Your twenties are very different. Everything kind of splinters. You 71 00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:33,640 Speaker 2: meet so many new people. This is the decade where 72 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:38,200 Speaker 2: you truly choose a lot of those meaningful relationships, and 73 00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:41,320 Speaker 2: those choices make a huge difference. You might be living 74 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:44,159 Speaker 2: away from family, living in a new city where you 75 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:47,920 Speaker 2: don't know anyone. You're figuring out who you are, and 76 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:53,360 Speaker 2: your friends become the scaffolding for that new sense of self. 77 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:57,680 Speaker 2: It's why this decade gets called the friendship decade, mainly 78 00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,760 Speaker 2: mainly by me, but I'm trying to get it to 79 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:02,359 Speaker 2: catch se. You know, you're not tied down by the 80 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:06,200 Speaker 2: same responsibilities that take over later on like marriage, kids, 81 00:05:06,279 --> 00:05:11,400 Speaker 2: big career investments, big financial investments, but you also aren't 82 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:13,880 Speaker 2: like the main relationship you have isn't the one you 83 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:17,680 Speaker 2: have with your family anymore. Friends step into this empty 84 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:20,680 Speaker 2: space left by family, and before you know, kids or 85 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:24,800 Speaker 2: a major life partner steps in and they become everything 86 00:05:24,839 --> 00:05:27,880 Speaker 2: to us. They become like family. I know that sounds 87 00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:30,080 Speaker 2: so cringe, but we know that's the truth. We know 88 00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:33,560 Speaker 2: that they are more important in this decade than any other, 89 00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:37,280 Speaker 2: and there's good reason for this. A twenty twenty three 90 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:42,159 Speaker 2: study published in Frontiers and Psychology actually demonstrated that adult 91 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:47,880 Speaker 2: friendships are the strongest predictor of life satisfaction for young adults, 92 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:54,440 Speaker 2: even more than career success, finances or romantic status. That's crazy. 93 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:57,880 Speaker 2: It means that you know, the person sitting across from 94 00:05:57,880 --> 00:05:59,560 Speaker 2: you at the cafe right now, or the person in 95 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:02,360 Speaker 2: your group chat has more of an influence on your 96 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:05,360 Speaker 2: well being and whether you're going to be happy than 97 00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:09,240 Speaker 2: almost anything else right now. A healthy friendship gives us 98 00:06:09,279 --> 00:06:12,359 Speaker 2: psychological safety. First of all, it gives us a space 99 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:14,880 Speaker 2: where we can be confused, and we can be messy, 100 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:17,080 Speaker 2: and we can be ambitious, or we can be vulnerable 101 00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:19,960 Speaker 2: without fear of being judged, and I think they also 102 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,880 Speaker 2: give us a mirror. You know, we really see ourselves 103 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,839 Speaker 2: reflected in how our friends respond to us. When a 104 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:27,960 Speaker 2: friend tells us they're proud of you, you know, that 105 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:30,479 Speaker 2: gives you a boost. When they tell you to kind 106 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:34,000 Speaker 2: of pull your head in that humbles you. You see 107 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:38,480 Speaker 2: yourself through them, and friendship, which don't think a lot 108 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:43,520 Speaker 2: of people know, actually regulates us biologically. The neuroscientist Ruth 109 00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:46,640 Speaker 2: Feldman has conducted a lot of research in this area, 110 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:49,920 Speaker 2: and her work has shown that close friends that spend 111 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:54,680 Speaker 2: time together their physiological states literally sync up. Their heart 112 00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:58,920 Speaker 2: rates align, their bodies release oxytocin in tandem, their brain 113 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:05,440 Speaker 2: activity shows similar patterns. This is a phenomenon called biobehavioral synchrony, 114 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:10,680 Speaker 2: and it explains why being near a trusted friend canon 115 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:15,120 Speaker 2: will significantly lower your stress levels. I have this with 116 00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:17,720 Speaker 2: a couple of my friends, but I'm really thinking about 117 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:21,440 Speaker 2: my best friend. I surprised her recently in Tasmania, which 118 00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:24,200 Speaker 2: is like this tiny island off of Australia where she lives, 119 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:28,800 Speaker 2: and every time I'm around her, we always talk about 120 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:33,400 Speaker 2: how calm and coregulated we feel like everything just feels 121 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:38,680 Speaker 2: lighter and easier and softer. In other words, you know, 122 00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:42,040 Speaker 2: really great friendships don't just make life enjoyable, they actually 123 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:45,160 Speaker 2: make you a more stable version of yourself. So that's 124 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:49,760 Speaker 2: why when a friendship tips into like unhealthy territory, the 125 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:53,320 Speaker 2: damage can feel so destabilizing because in essence, you know, 126 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:57,200 Speaker 2: you're not just losing a relationship, You're losing a coregulator, 127 00:07:57,440 --> 00:07:59,880 Speaker 2: you're losing a mirror, You're losing a source of strength. 128 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:03,280 Speaker 2: So with that in mind, let's dive into these five 129 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:07,240 Speaker 2: types of toxic friendships to look out for. Firstly, I 130 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:09,640 Speaker 2: want to just give a brief caveat what do we 131 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:12,640 Speaker 2: mean when we actually say by toxic. I don't think 132 00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:16,440 Speaker 2: that toxic describes a person. I'm using it to describe 133 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:19,920 Speaker 2: a relationship. I fully believe this. I don't think that 134 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:24,040 Speaker 2: anyone can be toxic. We all have character traits and 135 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:27,320 Speaker 2: flaws that someone else won't like, but other people won't 136 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:30,520 Speaker 2: have an issue with. There are some people that maybe 137 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:34,520 Speaker 2: are more malicious and manipulative than others. It doesn't mean 138 00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:39,080 Speaker 2: that they are inherently a poisonous person. I also believe 139 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:43,600 Speaker 2: people inherently have a capacity to change that's my personal belief. 140 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:46,520 Speaker 2: There are things in my past that I'm not entirely 141 00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:49,199 Speaker 2: proud of. There are moments that I have let someone 142 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:52,199 Speaker 2: down and I've done the wrong thing, absolutely, Like I 143 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:56,120 Speaker 2: can remember these times when I didn't think about someone 144 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:59,320 Speaker 2: else's feelings and that really hurt them. But I know 145 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:03,000 Speaker 2: I have grown and I've acknowledged my role and my actions, 146 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:06,119 Speaker 2: and that has really helped me have this new perspective 147 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:09,480 Speaker 2: for friends that have hurt me in the past. It's 148 00:09:09,559 --> 00:09:12,560 Speaker 2: not always fair to judge someone based on the last 149 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:15,760 Speaker 2: impression you had of them five years ago, ten years ago. 150 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:18,720 Speaker 2: We change so much in that time, especially if you 151 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:22,160 Speaker 2: were like under the age of thirty when it happened. 152 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:26,880 Speaker 2: I think only true sociopaths can be labeled as toxic, 153 00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:31,480 Speaker 2: and even then, some of them are very functional and 154 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:34,760 Speaker 2: they learn empathy, and they are no different to you 155 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:36,880 Speaker 2: and me in terms of how they act in friendships. 156 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:43,240 Speaker 2: So what we are referring to here is toxic dynamics 157 00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:47,160 Speaker 2: and the friction that can be created between two people 158 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,480 Speaker 2: because of how one person is acting another person is 159 00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:54,680 Speaker 2: responding their environment, and how their personalities may be clashing. 160 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:57,040 Speaker 2: So I just want to clear that up at the top. 161 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:02,120 Speaker 2: That being said, let's intro reduce the first type of 162 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:09,360 Speaker 2: toxic friendship. The competitor for this type of friend or friendship. 163 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:15,000 Speaker 2: Everything feels like they're trying to one up you. You 164 00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:18,040 Speaker 2: got a new job, Well that doesn't compare at all 165 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,880 Speaker 2: to their promotion that they had last month. You just 166 00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:23,800 Speaker 2: ran five k, Well they're training for a ten k, 167 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:27,200 Speaker 2: so good luck with that. If you've gone to London, 168 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:31,560 Speaker 2: they went to Paris. Each time you share successes or 169 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:35,600 Speaker 2: something you're proud of, their knee jerk reaction is to 170 00:10:35,679 --> 00:10:39,600 Speaker 2: match it, beat it, or downplay it. Even suffering can 171 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,800 Speaker 2: become a contest. I don't know if you've experienced this, 172 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:45,160 Speaker 2: but you know what that one friend where if you're stressed, 173 00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:48,920 Speaker 2: they're more stressed. If they're hurting worse. If they've been 174 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,040 Speaker 2: through a breakup, well you should hear about their breakup 175 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:53,920 Speaker 2: from five years ago. It was awful. This isn't just 176 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:58,240 Speaker 2: annoying over time. It really erodes your ability to share 177 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:01,319 Speaker 2: anything with them because why why would you? Why would 178 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:03,240 Speaker 2: you if they're just going to turn it into a competition. 179 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:06,760 Speaker 2: The root of this is usually social comparison, right, and 180 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:10,120 Speaker 2: it comes from an insecurity in them. They see something 181 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:14,080 Speaker 2: in you that threatens their obviously quite weak sense of self, 182 00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:17,480 Speaker 2: and so they have to engage in a very specific 183 00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:22,080 Speaker 2: form of social comparison called downward social comparison to make 184 00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:27,920 Speaker 2: themselves feel better by making you, positioning you as inferior 185 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,920 Speaker 2: to them. But it often means that you start to 186 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,920 Speaker 2: censor yourself. And one of the best parts of friendship 187 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:37,120 Speaker 2: is sharing your achievements and also sharing your hard moments. 188 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:42,400 Speaker 2: If you can't do that, what's the point, you know, 189 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:46,439 Speaker 2: what's the point of genuinely never being able to communicate 190 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:49,760 Speaker 2: anything good or bad about your life. So that's number one, 191 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:57,760 Speaker 2: that's the competitor. Secondly, there's the friend who always always 192 00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:00,840 Speaker 2: has something to say about what you're doing. This next 193 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:04,520 Speaker 2: type of toxic friend we're gonna call the critic or 194 00:12:04,559 --> 00:12:08,320 Speaker 2: the controller. You tell them you're trying a new hobby. 195 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:12,120 Speaker 2: They roll their eyes, They tell you it's you know, 196 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:15,160 Speaker 2: it's actually really bad for the environment, that you won't 197 00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:18,600 Speaker 2: stick with it, that that's kind of lame. You're dating 198 00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:22,400 Speaker 2: someone new, Well, they pick apart their flaws. They talk 199 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:25,199 Speaker 2: about how terrible they might be for you, how you 200 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:31,040 Speaker 2: could do better at first, maybe you'll laugh, maybe you'll 201 00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:35,480 Speaker 2: see them as being protective. Over time, though this like 202 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:39,360 Speaker 2: steady drip of criticism, starts to kind of poison everything else. 203 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:44,760 Speaker 2: This can also sometimes transform into straight up belittlement, whereby 204 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:47,959 Speaker 2: they act as if they always know best. They make 205 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,320 Speaker 2: you feel smaller, like your decisions are never gonna be right, 206 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,400 Speaker 2: they're never gonna be good enough. And again, what's tricky 207 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:57,920 Speaker 2: is that this is often disguised as care right. They 208 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,719 Speaker 2: might phrase it as I just don't want to see 209 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:03,920 Speaker 2: you get hurt, or I'm only telling you this because 210 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:07,520 Speaker 2: I care. But if they actually cared, or they were 211 00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:11,640 Speaker 2: mature enough to show they cared properly, it would actually 212 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:14,480 Speaker 2: build you up and give you the confidence to act 213 00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:18,840 Speaker 2: in your own way, something like, Hey, I support you 214 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:23,000 Speaker 2: no matter what, but have you considered this? Or you 215 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:25,600 Speaker 2: do what's best for you. You know I'll always be 216 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:28,920 Speaker 2: there if you need me, but have you considered this 217 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,839 Speaker 2: other thing? Do you see like the shift in framing here. 218 00:13:32,559 --> 00:13:34,640 Speaker 2: They would be delicate about it. They would be gentle. 219 00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:39,280 Speaker 2: That is what a friend should do. And sure you 220 00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:41,600 Speaker 2: know you actually don't want a friend who is always 221 00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:44,520 Speaker 2: going to agree with you or lie to you. I 222 00:13:44,559 --> 00:13:47,520 Speaker 2: always say, the best sign of a friendship is someone 223 00:13:47,559 --> 00:13:51,320 Speaker 2: who's going to be ruthlessly honest with you when it 224 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:56,160 Speaker 2: is helpful. But if you always disagree with someone in 225 00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:59,720 Speaker 2: every single thing, and if it's always like a power struggle, 226 00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:06,160 Speaker 2: why are you even friends? Surely there's someone better. In fact, 227 00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:09,880 Speaker 2: their constant criticism is often a way to try and 228 00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:13,560 Speaker 2: keep you small and control you and to assert dominance, 229 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:18,000 Speaker 2: according to the Gotman Institute. The Gotman Institute is basically 230 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:21,440 Speaker 2: like one of the leading marriage and relationship expert groups 231 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:24,920 Speaker 2: in the world. They say that criticism is one of 232 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:29,200 Speaker 2: their four horsemen of the relationship Apocalypse. It is like 233 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:32,440 Speaker 2: one of the biggest signs of relationship breakdown, according to them, 234 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:37,920 Speaker 2: and it sits alongside contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, and it's 235 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:41,120 Speaker 2: damaging because of how it breaks down trust in a 236 00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:45,680 Speaker 2: relationship and put someone on edge constantly. Criticism is also 237 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:49,360 Speaker 2: a sign that contempt will build on your end, or 238 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:52,440 Speaker 2: defensiveness will occur, and eventually you will get to that 239 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:57,240 Speaker 2: stonewalling stage where you just don't care anymore. If they're 240 00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:59,520 Speaker 2: going to give their opinion and you don't want to 241 00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:03,160 Speaker 2: listen to it, why listen to anything? They have to say. Okay, 242 00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:06,280 Speaker 2: so so far we've had the competitor and we've had 243 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:08,920 Speaker 2: the critic. We are going to take a short break now, 244 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:12,680 Speaker 2: but when we return, let's introduce you to our three 245 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:21,960 Speaker 2: remaining toxic friendships. Stay with us. Okay, so we have 246 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:25,760 Speaker 2: two down, three to go. Are you ready? After the 247 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:30,840 Speaker 2: competitor and the critic, we have the gossip. I know 248 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:34,200 Speaker 2: we've all met one of these people before. The funny 249 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,760 Speaker 2: thing about them is that they can actually be really magnetic. 250 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:39,280 Speaker 2: At first, you know, they are often the ones who 251 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:42,560 Speaker 2: always know what's happening. They seem kind of popular because 252 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:46,080 Speaker 2: they know everything in everyone's business. Being close to them 253 00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:49,720 Speaker 2: can feel like being on the inside. They're often very charismatic. 254 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:55,840 Speaker 2: But eventually you realize, hey, I don't think they've talked 255 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:59,480 Speaker 2: about themselves once. They only talk about other people, or 256 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:03,560 Speaker 2: they're about other people, or maybe in between all the gossip, 257 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:07,520 Speaker 2: they start asking you really personal, really intrusive questions about 258 00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:12,760 Speaker 2: your life. And then you kind of have this realization like, huh, 259 00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:15,960 Speaker 2: if they're talking about everyone else like this, they're probably 260 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:19,720 Speaker 2: talking about me too. I don't think that I'm going 261 00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:24,400 Speaker 2: to be excluded from this. I'm fairly sure, like I'm 262 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,560 Speaker 2: going to be a target that breaks trust, and once 263 00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:30,480 Speaker 2: that trust is broken, I think it's nearly impossible to 264 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:35,200 Speaker 2: feel safe about opening up again. Friendship thrives on confidentiality 265 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:40,160 Speaker 2: and on the belief that your vulnerabilities are held close 266 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:44,960 Speaker 2: and careful, so when those get broadcast, any foundation of 267 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:49,880 Speaker 2: intimacy like falls apart. I've also found that with the gossip, 268 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:53,800 Speaker 2: they tend to use others secrets as social currency, like 269 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:56,080 Speaker 2: as a form of money, Like they're a way to 270 00:16:56,160 --> 00:17:00,880 Speaker 2: gain power for themselves, And so when you're the kind 271 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,480 Speaker 2: of person who they're sacrificing, like, it doesn't feel good 272 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:09,879 Speaker 2: your secrets are being used to bolster their ego. Eventually, 273 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:12,800 Speaker 2: all of that kind of social secret mining, it's gonna 274 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:14,679 Speaker 2: turn on them. It's gonna turn on you. I promise 275 00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:17,640 Speaker 2: you that you will realize one day that someone knows 276 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:20,000 Speaker 2: something about you that you did not tell them, who 277 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:24,720 Speaker 2: told them that the gossip. Additionally, I also just think 278 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:27,200 Speaker 2: it gets pretty boring talking about other people all the time, 279 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:31,800 Speaker 2: and it feels kind of nasty. You feel the empathy 280 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:33,879 Speaker 2: and guilt in your body. It's not to say that 281 00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:36,760 Speaker 2: none of us, all of us like shouldn't be gossiping. 282 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:40,560 Speaker 2: It's actually a very natural human thing. But afterwards, I 283 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,920 Speaker 2: don't know about you, I feel pretty gross about it, 284 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:44,679 Speaker 2: and I always feel the need to be like, oh, 285 00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:46,240 Speaker 2: you know, but they're such a good person. But this 286 00:17:47,119 --> 00:17:50,280 Speaker 2: so if your friends with someone who's always gossiping and 287 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:54,080 Speaker 2: doesn't seem to have that same reaction, sometimes it could 288 00:17:54,119 --> 00:17:56,960 Speaker 2: say something deeper about your values. You kind of end 289 00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,159 Speaker 2: up thinking, like, how in the world do you have 290 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:02,760 Speaker 2: this stamina for this? What else are they actually even 291 00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:05,879 Speaker 2: interested in? What do we even talk about? What's left 292 00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:09,600 Speaker 2: in their own life? Nothing? It's not necessarily that your 293 00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:12,119 Speaker 2: secrets are being shared. It might just be that this 294 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:17,520 Speaker 2: friendship is kind of boring. This next toxic friendship is 295 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:20,400 Speaker 2: actually pretty hard to spot, and this is the victim 296 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:25,000 Speaker 2: or the manipulator. The victim is always wronged. Their boss 297 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:27,879 Speaker 2: is always unfair to them, their partner is always cruel, 298 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:32,399 Speaker 2: their other friends are neglectful. At first, you might feel 299 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,600 Speaker 2: bad for them, of course you would. Of course you 300 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:37,600 Speaker 2: would want to believe them. You know, how awful are 301 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:40,200 Speaker 2: these people treating them? This is so terrible. You want 302 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:43,639 Speaker 2: to show them support. But somewhere along the line you 303 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:47,359 Speaker 2: do begin to notice how your needs never really make 304 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,399 Speaker 2: it into the conversation. And another thing you may notice 305 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:54,040 Speaker 2: is that they never seem to take responsibility for their actions. 306 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:57,160 Speaker 2: Of course, there are always going to be times when 307 00:18:57,359 --> 00:19:01,479 Speaker 2: someone needs more support than others within a friendship. It 308 00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:04,400 Speaker 2: can't always be a fifty to fifty split. But if 309 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:10,400 Speaker 2: nothing ever resolves, even after your advice, your assistance, your comfort, 310 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:14,119 Speaker 2: and it's always a new person for them, well, I 311 00:19:14,119 --> 00:19:16,359 Speaker 2: don't know. I just don't believe one person's luck is 312 00:19:16,359 --> 00:19:19,399 Speaker 2: ever that bad. What might happen is that when you 313 00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:21,520 Speaker 2: finally set a boundary and you say you know, I 314 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:24,800 Speaker 2: can't hang out, I'm super exhausted, or you mentioned that 315 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:28,000 Speaker 2: you feel a little bit unheard or you don't feel great, 316 00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:31,920 Speaker 2: they flip the script. They might say something like, well, 317 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,520 Speaker 2: I guess I'm a bad friend. I guess I'll just 318 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:38,879 Speaker 2: leave you alone, then leaving you feeling guilty wondering if 319 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:41,560 Speaker 2: you were too harsh, even though all you did was 320 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:45,680 Speaker 2: put a boundary in place. In the most extreme cases, 321 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:49,160 Speaker 2: I do think this sometimes veers into gaslighting. They might 322 00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:51,520 Speaker 2: turn the narrative so that you're the one at fault 323 00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:54,919 Speaker 2: for their unhappiness. You become the villain they tell all 324 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:59,560 Speaker 2: their other friends about, maybe converging in a sense into 325 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:04,040 Speaker 2: the gossip as well. This constant cycle of trying to 326 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:08,119 Speaker 2: do the right thing, guilt, self doubt, and then exhaustion 327 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,520 Speaker 2: is super draining and it can leave you kind of 328 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:14,280 Speaker 2: unsure of where you stand. You don't want to let 329 00:20:14,359 --> 00:20:18,040 Speaker 2: them down, but you also want to respect yourself. I 330 00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:22,119 Speaker 2: think of all the five toxic friendships, this is the 331 00:20:22,119 --> 00:20:26,080 Speaker 2: hardest one to walk away from. Finally, we have the 332 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:30,280 Speaker 2: rarest type of all, and that is the friend who 333 00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:36,400 Speaker 2: was just downright meat. They are the combination of competitive controlling, 334 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:40,280 Speaker 2: the gossip, and the victim. Sometimes you might struggle to find, 335 00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:45,160 Speaker 2: like literally any redeeming quality about them. Simply put, they 336 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,680 Speaker 2: are just not very nice to you. They make you 337 00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:50,400 Speaker 2: the punchline of the jokes in the group setting. They 338 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:53,800 Speaker 2: always seem to ruin a perfectly nice time. They are 339 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:57,880 Speaker 2: always hostile. They betray you, they flirt with your partner, 340 00:20:58,359 --> 00:21:02,479 Speaker 2: they out a secret about you, They sabotage you. This 341 00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:04,560 Speaker 2: person may be a friend, I also think that they 342 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:08,720 Speaker 2: can sometimes be a family member, a sibling, a colleague. 343 00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:12,240 Speaker 2: To put it frankly, like you can tell they don't 344 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:14,719 Speaker 2: like you, but for some reason, like they end up 345 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:17,240 Speaker 2: remaining in your life, maybe because you run in the 346 00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:21,360 Speaker 2: same circles, maybe because you know your lives are so intertwined. 347 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:25,639 Speaker 2: Maybe they're family. Maybe they are super nice sometimes, but 348 00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:30,119 Speaker 2: their hostility is also super obvious. I think all of 349 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:34,320 Speaker 2: these toxic friendships can leave scars. This kind in particular, though, 350 00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:38,040 Speaker 2: I think, can cause attachment wounds very similar to that 351 00:21:38,119 --> 00:21:40,600 Speaker 2: of a romantic relationship, because it can feel like a 352 00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:44,200 Speaker 2: full on affront. Before we talk about the question you're 353 00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:48,720 Speaker 2: probably all asking right now, why don't we just walk away, 354 00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,880 Speaker 2: Let's just quickly talk about how you can spot if 355 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:56,000 Speaker 2: you are in a friendship with with this kind of dynamic. 356 00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:00,880 Speaker 2: One of the hardest parts of recognizing a toxic friendship 357 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:06,000 Speaker 2: is that the red flags don't always look obvious. It's 358 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:08,960 Speaker 2: not like someone is being like, wohoo, don't be friends 359 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:12,280 Speaker 2: with me. I'm gonna treat you terribly. And it's not 360 00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:14,480 Speaker 2: like when a partner has been awful to you. You know, 361 00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:17,280 Speaker 2: if they've cheated or when nasty to you. It's pretty 362 00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:19,920 Speaker 2: clear cut, and we talk about it openly. Like I said, 363 00:22:20,119 --> 00:22:22,400 Speaker 2: we talk about red flags and relationships all the time, 364 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:25,840 Speaker 2: but with friends it's a lot more subtle. It's the 365 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:28,239 Speaker 2: way you shrink a little when you see them come 366 00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:32,120 Speaker 2: in the room. It's the feeling of relief when your 367 00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:36,200 Speaker 2: plans get canceled. It's noticing that after hanging out with them, 368 00:22:37,119 --> 00:22:41,520 Speaker 2: you feel worse about yourself, not better. So a concept 369 00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:44,399 Speaker 2: we might use to refer to this is what we 370 00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:50,520 Speaker 2: call emotional residue. Even when the conversation is over, even 371 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:54,800 Speaker 2: when the hangout is done, that negative, sticky residue lingers. 372 00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:58,520 Speaker 2: You feel gross, you replay what you said, you question 373 00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:03,520 Speaker 2: if you overreacted, you feel really drained, and over time 374 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:08,159 Speaker 2: that residue actually accumulates as well. It's not just emotionally draining. 375 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:10,560 Speaker 2: This actually has a huge impact on how we feel 376 00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:15,120 Speaker 2: in our bodies. Studies on social stress show that difficult 377 00:23:15,119 --> 00:23:21,639 Speaker 2: relationships elevate cortisol, they impair sleep, they weaken immunity. One 378 00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:24,639 Speaker 2: such study, published in twenty twelve by the University of 379 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:28,959 Speaker 2: Utah shows the extent of this impact. So in the study, 380 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:31,680 Speaker 2: this involved one hundred and thirty six adults, and they 381 00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:35,040 Speaker 2: looked into their relationships with friends, with family, with acquaintances, 382 00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:39,639 Speaker 2: and they measured both the positive and negative feeling associated 383 00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:43,520 Speaker 2: with these bonds. The researchers were basically looking into whether 384 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:49,040 Speaker 2: there was any difference in the length of the participants telomeres. 385 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:56,520 Speaker 2: Telomeres are basically the protective caps we have on our chromosomes. Basically, 386 00:23:56,520 --> 00:24:00,320 Speaker 2: they protect our DNA from damage. They're like helmets for 387 00:24:00,359 --> 00:24:03,880 Speaker 2: our DNA. It's kind of technical, but basically, the shorter 388 00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:08,479 Speaker 2: the telomere, the higher the risk of chronic diseases and 389 00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:12,160 Speaker 2: a shorter lifespan. And they wanted to see is there 390 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:15,399 Speaker 2: a link between positive and negative relationships and teleomere length. 391 00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:18,320 Speaker 2: What they found was that for the participants with a 392 00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:22,800 Speaker 2: higher number of relationships that had both really high highs 393 00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:27,560 Speaker 2: and really low lows, basically a toxic friendship, the shorter 394 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:31,639 Speaker 2: the length of the telomeres. Let's dive into these findings 395 00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:35,000 Speaker 2: a little bit more. They basically suggest that these participants 396 00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:39,000 Speaker 2: who had been in turbulent up and down relationships had 397 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:44,440 Speaker 2: a higher risk of chronic conditions and stress reactivity compared 398 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:49,800 Speaker 2: to people who had obviously all great relationships, but interestingly 399 00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:54,600 Speaker 2: also people who just had a lot of pretty terrible relationships. 400 00:24:55,560 --> 00:25:00,000 Speaker 2: According to the findings of this study, what really meant 401 00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:05,280 Speaker 2: added here What really impacted health and teleomere length was 402 00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:09,280 Speaker 2: the intensity of the switch up and was the kind 403 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:15,000 Speaker 2: of toxicity meter of these relationships. It was the fact 404 00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:17,720 Speaker 2: that there were some good parts and some bad parts, 405 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:22,680 Speaker 2: this emotional push and pull that was dangerous. That means 406 00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:27,880 Speaker 2: that even when the friendship isn't necessarily all bad, the 407 00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:30,920 Speaker 2: inconsistency itself in those friendships is what can take a toll. 408 00:25:32,119 --> 00:25:35,920 Speaker 2: So to contrast that, let's talk about what a good 409 00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:38,560 Speaker 2: friendship feels like. And I know this feels kind of silly, 410 00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:40,879 Speaker 2: but I actually think this is really really fascinating, and 411 00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:44,720 Speaker 2: I've never seen anyone talk about this before. In the nineties, 412 00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:50,440 Speaker 2: researchers Meddlesine and Abbot proposed a model of six key 413 00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:56,520 Speaker 2: qualities of strong friendships. These included stimulating companionship, so engaging 414 00:25:56,520 --> 00:26:00,679 Speaker 2: in enjoyable activities together help prevent giding each other with 415 00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:06,080 Speaker 2: support and guidance, intimacy so sharing personal things with each other. 416 00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:13,879 Speaker 2: They also included a reliable alliance, so trust, emotional security, 417 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:19,960 Speaker 2: and self validation. Basically, you encourage each other to feel 418 00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:22,760 Speaker 2: good about each other and to maintain a positive self image. 419 00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:26,000 Speaker 2: That means a good friend celebrates you instead of competing 420 00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:29,560 Speaker 2: with you, they encourage you instead of criticizing you. They 421 00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:32,680 Speaker 2: listen to you, they spend time with you, they don't 422 00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:36,680 Speaker 2: gossip about you. Not only does the research suggest that 423 00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:40,680 Speaker 2: those who have more of these good quality, strong friendships 424 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:44,480 Speaker 2: tend to rate their life satisfaction and their well being 425 00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:47,639 Speaker 2: more highly, but a follow up study in twenty twenty 426 00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:55,240 Speaker 2: two found that having these strong friendships is almost protective 427 00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:58,920 Speaker 2: against stress. So that study, it was done in Austria 428 00:27:00,119 --> 00:27:03,479 Speaker 2: and it focused on university students during the pandemic, and 429 00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:06,560 Speaker 2: it found that when they had good friendships, they actually 430 00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:10,760 Speaker 2: suffered less long term. Obviously, like, that's a different time now, 431 00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:13,320 Speaker 2: but I still think this plays out on a lot 432 00:27:13,359 --> 00:27:16,800 Speaker 2: of other scales. You know, they are what keeps us strong. 433 00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:20,560 Speaker 2: And so if you've got someone who secretly wants to 434 00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:25,720 Speaker 2: be your worst enemy and secretly, like secretly wants to 435 00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:31,920 Speaker 2: see you fail, hmm, it's not they're pretty, it's not 436 00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:36,040 Speaker 2: gonna help, Like it's hard to notice them, but their 437 00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:41,920 Speaker 2: impact is felt. So if it's so clear that these 438 00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:47,600 Speaker 2: toxic relationships harm us, why do we stay? This is complicated. 439 00:27:48,119 --> 00:27:51,680 Speaker 2: I've asked myself this question many times. So let's talk 440 00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:59,439 Speaker 2: about it after this short break. I've talked about this 441 00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:03,080 Speaker 2: on the podcast just a few times throughout the many years. 442 00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:06,240 Speaker 2: But when I was a kid, I was pretty badly bullied. 443 00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:09,520 Speaker 2: When I was in primary school, I remember once like 444 00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:13,560 Speaker 2: this group of friends that I really liked. Every weekend, 445 00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:17,199 Speaker 2: I would get my parents to call them on like 446 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:20,000 Speaker 2: the home phone to have like play dates on the weekends, 447 00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:22,760 Speaker 2: and they would always be like, oh sorry, Like the 448 00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:26,199 Speaker 2: parents would be like, oh sorry, she's busy. Sorry, they're busy. 449 00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:28,919 Speaker 2: And then on Monday, I would like find out that 450 00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:32,440 Speaker 2: they were all hanging out because they'd tell me. One time, 451 00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:36,399 Speaker 2: I remember when I was in high school, I was like, 452 00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:39,040 Speaker 2: to my friends, let's do Secret Santa. And they were 453 00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:41,560 Speaker 2: all like, that's such a stupid idea. And then on 454 00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:43,760 Speaker 2: the last day of school, I was riding my bike 455 00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:47,200 Speaker 2: home through the park next to our school and I 456 00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:50,479 Speaker 2: saw them. They're all like exchanging gifts, and they like 457 00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:52,720 Speaker 2: saw me, and they laughed and they like ducked down. 458 00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:56,440 Speaker 2: I stayed friends with those people until I left the state. 459 00:28:57,640 --> 00:29:00,120 Speaker 2: Why did I do that? Part of it is history. 460 00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:03,400 Speaker 2: If you've been friends for years, you're reliant on them 461 00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:06,720 Speaker 2: for at least some sense of who you are, or 462 00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:11,200 Speaker 2: just to not feel alone. Cutting ties feels very difficult. 463 00:29:11,560 --> 00:29:13,880 Speaker 2: You have woven them into your life, and so to 464 00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:17,560 Speaker 2: untangle that can feel impossible and very very scary and 465 00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:21,760 Speaker 2: very isolating. The Fear of being left out, the fear 466 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:23,760 Speaker 2: of rocking the boat in the broader group, fear of 467 00:29:23,760 --> 00:29:26,920 Speaker 2: not having anyone else like that's a big factor. Social 468 00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:30,360 Speaker 2: belonging is a really important human need, and we have 469 00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:33,480 Speaker 2: been wired to protect it at all costs. But maybe 470 00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:36,280 Speaker 2: the most significant reason we're drawn back into this time 471 00:29:36,320 --> 00:29:40,800 Speaker 2: and time again is what that study said earlier. The hope, 472 00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:44,880 Speaker 2: the up and down relationships. Toxic friendships are never one 473 00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:49,040 Speaker 2: hundred percent bad. There are flashes of joy and kindness 474 00:29:49,040 --> 00:29:53,040 Speaker 2: and nostalgia. Every single person has redeeming qualities. Psychologists have 475 00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:57,080 Speaker 2: a name for this. It's called intermittent reinforcement. When good 476 00:29:57,080 --> 00:30:01,160 Speaker 2: and bad are mixed kind of unpredictably, the bond becomes 477 00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:04,040 Speaker 2: even harder to break because you keep chasing the next 478 00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:06,720 Speaker 2: good moment and you hope that it will be enough 479 00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:09,320 Speaker 2: to outweigh the bad. When you see this play out 480 00:30:09,360 --> 00:30:15,720 Speaker 2: in gambling, in addiction, toxic romance relationships, the push the pull, 481 00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:20,000 Speaker 2: the cycle of chasing the highs. It's not weakness that 482 00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:24,560 Speaker 2: keeps us stuck, but actually a very human desire to 483 00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:28,200 Speaker 2: preserve the connection. And this kind of cycle makes it 484 00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:30,560 Speaker 2: really hard to walk away because how do you know 485 00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:34,880 Speaker 2: when someone's had too many chances? It's a very agonizing question. 486 00:30:35,840 --> 00:30:38,680 Speaker 2: The truth is, I'm not going to be able to 487 00:30:38,680 --> 00:30:42,720 Speaker 2: give you an answer. There isn't a universal number. Instead, 488 00:30:42,760 --> 00:30:46,160 Speaker 2: the better question to ask is what have they already 489 00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:50,560 Speaker 2: done with the chances you have given them? Because the 490 00:30:50,600 --> 00:30:54,600 Speaker 2: fact that you're considering the question means it's not a 491 00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:58,600 Speaker 2: one off event. It's likely become a pattern. So when 492 00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:01,680 Speaker 2: you bring up your feelings, do they or do they 493 00:31:01,680 --> 00:31:06,520 Speaker 2: dismiss you? Do they take responsibility or do they shift blame? 494 00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:10,800 Speaker 2: Do they make changes or do they repeat it again 495 00:31:10,840 --> 00:31:14,600 Speaker 2: and again? And if this was a romantic partner, would 496 00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:19,560 Speaker 2: you tolerate this pattern? Healthy relationships aren't perfect. They're not 497 00:31:19,600 --> 00:31:23,400 Speaker 2: defined by the absence of conflict, but the ability to 498 00:31:23,440 --> 00:31:26,800 Speaker 2: repair this conflict. This is known in psychology as rupture 499 00:31:26,840 --> 00:31:31,160 Speaker 2: and repair theory. A lot of really long lasting relationships 500 00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:34,000 Speaker 2: have really hard moments. The fact that you band together 501 00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:36,840 Speaker 2: and fix it and repair it shows love and commitment. 502 00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:42,120 Speaker 2: If someone shows willingness to repair after a rupture through apologies, 503 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:47,280 Speaker 2: change behavior, consistency, Yeah, they may deserve another chance. But 504 00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:51,440 Speaker 2: if every chance is met with empty apologies, excuses, or 505 00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:53,960 Speaker 2: if they just go straight back to what they have 506 00:31:54,040 --> 00:31:58,040 Speaker 2: done before, the question may become not how many chances 507 00:31:58,040 --> 00:32:01,600 Speaker 2: should I give them? But why am I still offer them? 508 00:32:01,760 --> 00:32:06,680 Speaker 2: If you find yourself at this point, it's very difficult. 509 00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:10,640 Speaker 2: Friendships aren't built on contracts or ceremonies like marriages or jobs. 510 00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:14,080 Speaker 2: They can fade in and out, and they can evolve silently, 511 00:32:14,560 --> 00:32:17,040 Speaker 2: and that can make knowing when to walk away very confusing. 512 00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:20,200 Speaker 2: So I'm gonna outline some steps that you can take 513 00:32:20,320 --> 00:32:26,840 Speaker 2: to address a toxic friendship, starting with this first one. 514 00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:31,200 Speaker 2: If you feel physically and emotionally safe, clarity is always 515 00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:35,120 Speaker 2: the first step. It's very easy to fantasize about just disappearing, 516 00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:38,320 Speaker 2: but sometimes what feels like toxicity can actually stem just 517 00:32:38,320 --> 00:32:41,400 Speaker 2: from a lack of awareness. They just don't know how 518 00:32:41,400 --> 00:32:44,640 Speaker 2: you're feeling, and trust me, ghosting isn't a good solution. 519 00:32:45,560 --> 00:32:47,560 Speaker 2: I've done that to a friend I really didn't think 520 00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:50,440 Speaker 2: I could repair things with for a lot of reasons, 521 00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:53,240 Speaker 2: and despite that, I really regret it. I regret it 522 00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:56,200 Speaker 2: actually a lot. At the time, it felt right, but 523 00:32:56,280 --> 00:32:58,880 Speaker 2: I wish that we'd had a chance to maybe just 524 00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:03,680 Speaker 2: maybe been able to hash things out. Of course, when 525 00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:06,680 Speaker 2: we approach someone with accusations like you're always so negative 526 00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:09,640 Speaker 2: or you're such a bad friend, they're gonna get defensive, 527 00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:12,120 Speaker 2: they're gonna turn it back on you. But when we 528 00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:15,280 Speaker 2: frame our concerns around our own feelings, we leave the 529 00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:20,400 Speaker 2: door open for again repair. That might sound like, you know, 530 00:33:20,440 --> 00:33:24,280 Speaker 2: when you cancel last minute, I feel unimportant. I know 531 00:33:24,320 --> 00:33:27,040 Speaker 2: you don't mean it that way, but this makes me 532 00:33:27,080 --> 00:33:31,360 Speaker 2: feel like I don't matter. The focus is on the 533 00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:33,840 Speaker 2: impact it had on you, not their character, and this 534 00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:39,440 Speaker 2: shifts the conversation from blame to possibility. Sometimes people just 535 00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:43,200 Speaker 2: don't realize how their behavior lands. They just don't know. 536 00:33:43,280 --> 00:33:46,120 Speaker 2: They're used to interacting with people in a different way, 537 00:33:46,160 --> 00:33:49,200 Speaker 2: and in those cases, like a simple conversation can actually 538 00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:52,719 Speaker 2: change the entire dynamic. Let me tell you this, When 539 00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:56,480 Speaker 2: you are overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, lashing out is the easiest 540 00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:59,200 Speaker 2: thing you can do, but oh my gosh, in the 541 00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:03,720 Speaker 2: long term, a lot better to handle things maturely. And 542 00:34:04,360 --> 00:34:06,240 Speaker 2: I'm telling you, like when you get to a moment 543 00:34:06,280 --> 00:34:09,399 Speaker 2: where you realize, hey, like I handled this so much 544 00:34:09,400 --> 00:34:12,880 Speaker 2: better than I would have before, Like I'm so proud 545 00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:16,040 Speaker 2: of talking with them about this. You feel great about yourself, 546 00:34:16,760 --> 00:34:19,319 Speaker 2: Like you kind of even want to talk to them 547 00:34:19,360 --> 00:34:21,520 Speaker 2: about it and be like, hey, we handle that so well, 548 00:34:21,920 --> 00:34:24,560 Speaker 2: Like look at us growing as people. It's a good moment. 549 00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:27,799 Speaker 2: Really start there. I employ you to start at that 550 00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:32,839 Speaker 2: point of clarity. If the behavior doesn't change, that's when 551 00:34:32,920 --> 00:34:37,680 Speaker 2: boundaries come in. Here's something worth emphasizing. Boundaries are not 552 00:34:37,719 --> 00:34:40,960 Speaker 2: meant to be punishments. They are actually instructions for how 553 00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:44,040 Speaker 2: you want to be treated. There is a famous quote 554 00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:47,200 Speaker 2: that I love that says boundaries are the distance at 555 00:34:47,200 --> 00:34:50,720 Speaker 2: which I can love you and still love myself simultaneously. 556 00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:53,600 Speaker 2: I think that's profound. They're not wars to like shut 557 00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:56,799 Speaker 2: people out. They're actually guidelines that allow you to stay 558 00:34:56,840 --> 00:35:01,000 Speaker 2: connected if the other person is willing to respect them. 559 00:35:01,520 --> 00:35:04,839 Speaker 2: A boundary is I can't keep talking to you if 560 00:35:04,880 --> 00:35:07,799 Speaker 2: you make me feel judged afterwards, or when you make 561 00:35:07,840 --> 00:35:10,239 Speaker 2: those jokes in front of other people, I need to 562 00:35:10,239 --> 00:35:13,480 Speaker 2: step back. The boundaries need to be specific. There needs 563 00:35:13,520 --> 00:35:16,759 Speaker 2: to be cause and effect. You did this, I'm responding 564 00:35:16,760 --> 00:35:20,319 Speaker 2: this way. They cannot be like vague demands to like, 565 00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:23,640 Speaker 2: you know, try harder with me or be nicer. They 566 00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:25,920 Speaker 2: need to be specific. I need you to make plans 567 00:35:25,920 --> 00:35:28,520 Speaker 2: with me. I need you to honor out commitments. I 568 00:35:28,680 --> 00:35:31,680 Speaker 2: need you to speak positively about me around other people. 569 00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:36,680 Speaker 2: If the person in question then decides to disregard these boundaries, 570 00:35:37,200 --> 00:35:39,720 Speaker 2: it is really important to act. It's the hardest part. 571 00:35:40,160 --> 00:35:42,920 Speaker 2: And it doesn't mean like a dramatic ultimatum or a fight. 572 00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:47,160 Speaker 2: It can simply mean reducing how much time you spend together, 573 00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:52,080 Speaker 2: or choosing not to share vulnerable information, or letting the 574 00:35:52,160 --> 00:35:55,080 Speaker 2: friendship kind of just move to the background a little bit. 575 00:35:56,239 --> 00:35:58,920 Speaker 2: A boundary is a contract. If you say a boundary 576 00:35:58,960 --> 00:36:01,239 Speaker 2: is a non negotiable, but then allowed it to be 577 00:36:01,239 --> 00:36:05,319 Speaker 2: crossed without consequences, you know, it doesn't really work. It 578 00:36:05,440 --> 00:36:09,120 Speaker 2: just kind of becomes like a suggestion. So you need 579 00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:12,160 Speaker 2: to be ready to teach people sometimes how to treat you, 580 00:36:12,520 --> 00:36:17,040 Speaker 2: which everyone knew. But again, sometimes people just are used 581 00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:19,279 Speaker 2: to different things. They have a different way of seeing things, 582 00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:22,800 Speaker 2: they have a different culture, they have a different personality. 583 00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:25,520 Speaker 2: So make sure that you have a clear boundary that 584 00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:29,160 Speaker 2: may actually help them treat you better. I would also 585 00:36:29,200 --> 00:36:31,600 Speaker 2: advise that you lean on other friends for their perspective, 586 00:36:31,840 --> 00:36:36,000 Speaker 2: specifically ones that you trust. We've talked about how friends 587 00:36:36,040 --> 00:36:40,680 Speaker 2: can be mirrors to ourselves. Toxic friends can warp that mirror, 588 00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:44,520 Speaker 2: make it feel like we're being unreasonable or selfish. Talking 589 00:36:44,520 --> 00:36:47,600 Speaker 2: it through with supportive people gives you that reality check. 590 00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:51,600 Speaker 2: It allows you to practice possible responses in advance as well. 591 00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:57,720 Speaker 2: Toxic dynamics often come with gaslighting or deflection, so rehearsing 592 00:36:57,840 --> 00:37:01,839 Speaker 2: how your stay calm can really help. For example, if 593 00:37:01,880 --> 00:37:05,720 Speaker 2: you know they're gonna say like you're overreacting, practice saying 594 00:37:05,719 --> 00:37:07,359 Speaker 2: to a friend, I hear you, but this is still 595 00:37:07,360 --> 00:37:11,000 Speaker 2: important to me, And I think maybe most importantly denote 596 00:37:11,440 --> 00:37:15,160 Speaker 2: give yourself permission to step away if you don't want 597 00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:20,000 Speaker 2: to be there anymore. Friendships a valuable, not all of 598 00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:24,560 Speaker 2: them are worth preparing. Sometimes the healthiest thing is simply 599 00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:31,920 Speaker 2: just to let nature take its course, just let the 600 00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:37,280 Speaker 2: person fade out. That might not always be possible. Something 601 00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:39,600 Speaker 2: I always get asked is like, I have this terrible 602 00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:44,200 Speaker 2: person that I'm friends with, but we are in a 603 00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:49,160 Speaker 2: friendship group. We have all these friends all these connections, 604 00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:53,960 Speaker 2: It's gonna get messy. What do I do? I think 605 00:37:54,040 --> 00:37:58,200 Speaker 2: in those moments, the goal shifts from ending the friendship 606 00:37:58,600 --> 00:38:03,080 Speaker 2: to managing the dynamic. I'm gonna be honest, it's gonna 607 00:38:03,080 --> 00:38:05,840 Speaker 2: be awkward. It's gonna be a little bit uncomfortable at times, 608 00:38:06,640 --> 00:38:10,400 Speaker 2: purely because the dynamic has changed. But I promise you 609 00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:13,960 Speaker 2: you can handle discomfort. It's okay. But it is really 610 00:38:14,040 --> 00:38:17,080 Speaker 2: important to avoid trying to recruit the whole group and 611 00:38:17,160 --> 00:38:19,480 Speaker 2: ask them to take sides. This is like a very 612 00:38:19,600 --> 00:38:24,080 Speaker 2: natural instinct. Do not force people to see your perspective. 613 00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:29,000 Speaker 2: They will naturally form their own opinions. Your job isn't 614 00:38:29,200 --> 00:38:35,839 Speaker 2: to convince them. Don't avoid the situation either. Avoidance can 615 00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:39,200 Speaker 2: often isolate you more than the toxic person ever did, 616 00:38:39,200 --> 00:38:42,879 Speaker 2: and it can be part of their toolkit. Instead going 617 00:38:42,960 --> 00:38:46,560 Speaker 2: with a game plan, you will stay polite, You will 618 00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:50,440 Speaker 2: keep things neutral. You will focus your energy on the 619 00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:54,240 Speaker 2: friends who support you, because if they are still good friends, 620 00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:57,759 Speaker 2: they can actually be friends with two people at once. 621 00:38:57,840 --> 00:39:00,160 Speaker 2: I know this is really hard sometimes because you're like, 622 00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:02,840 Speaker 2: how do you not see what they've done to me 623 00:39:02,880 --> 00:39:06,319 Speaker 2: and how awful they were to me? Just trust me, 624 00:39:06,360 --> 00:39:09,720 Speaker 2: they're gonna figure it out. They will figure it out. 625 00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:14,080 Speaker 2: I one of my best friends had this falling out 626 00:39:14,120 --> 00:39:18,000 Speaker 2: with a mutual friend of ours, and I stayed friends 627 00:39:18,000 --> 00:39:20,000 Speaker 2: with this other person for a little while because it 628 00:39:20,040 --> 00:39:22,440 Speaker 2: was kind of uncomfortable for me to walk away. It 629 00:39:22,480 --> 00:39:25,560 Speaker 2: wasn't my fight. Oh, she didn't say anything. She was 630 00:39:25,600 --> 00:39:27,919 Speaker 2: great to me about it. She was like, you stay 631 00:39:27,920 --> 00:39:31,040 Speaker 2: friends with them. And I figured out exactly after a 632 00:39:31,040 --> 00:39:34,400 Speaker 2: while what had caused their friendship breakup. You know, soon enough, 633 00:39:34,840 --> 00:39:37,920 Speaker 2: it always happens. This is is advice I gave to 634 00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:40,239 Speaker 2: my friend, like literally the other day, who was dealing 635 00:39:40,320 --> 00:39:43,840 Speaker 2: with like a big group dynamic where one person obviously 636 00:39:43,920 --> 00:39:48,000 Speaker 2: doesn't like her but hasn't said anything Directly. Approach those 637 00:39:48,080 --> 00:39:52,920 Speaker 2: interactions like nothing is wrong. If they haven't confronted you, 638 00:39:53,360 --> 00:39:55,520 Speaker 2: even though you know they're talking about it behind your back, 639 00:39:56,360 --> 00:39:59,800 Speaker 2: it's still none of your business. I need you to 640 00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:03,319 Speaker 2: use every fiber in your body to be kind, to 641 00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:07,000 Speaker 2: be normal to you. There is no problem. If they 642 00:40:07,040 --> 00:40:09,960 Speaker 2: want to bring a problem to you, great, but that's 643 00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:14,360 Speaker 2: their business. You are showing the group, you're showing yourself 644 00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:17,680 Speaker 2: that you are bigger than the drama. That is the 645 00:40:17,719 --> 00:40:21,720 Speaker 2: most powerful way that you can manage the situation. Now, 646 00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:24,239 Speaker 2: let's talk about the friendship breakup. I feel like we've 647 00:40:24,320 --> 00:40:28,279 Speaker 2: kind of been snaking our way to this moment where 648 00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:33,400 Speaker 2: the explosion happens. We know that friendship breakups do not 649 00:40:33,400 --> 00:40:35,759 Speaker 2: get the same attention as romantic breakups, and yet we 650 00:40:35,800 --> 00:40:40,200 Speaker 2: know they can be just as hard. It's important that 651 00:40:40,239 --> 00:40:44,040 Speaker 2: you allow yourself to be sad about this. You were 652 00:40:44,040 --> 00:40:47,040 Speaker 2: allowed to grieve this person and what the future you 653 00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:49,640 Speaker 2: really thought you had with them. It's so romantic, because 654 00:40:49,719 --> 00:40:53,440 Speaker 2: friendship is romantic at times, you do imagine a future, 655 00:40:54,680 --> 00:40:58,239 Speaker 2: but I think it's really refreshing just to see what 656 00:40:58,440 --> 00:41:02,360 Speaker 2: space that opens up for you. Toxic friendships take up 657 00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:04,920 Speaker 2: a lot of energy, They take up a lot of 658 00:41:05,000 --> 00:41:09,719 Speaker 2: time and space in our mind. So when they fade, 659 00:41:09,880 --> 00:41:14,440 Speaker 2: that space is suddenly yours again. Use it. Text that 660 00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:17,680 Speaker 2: old friend that you've lost touch with, Join a book club, 661 00:41:17,920 --> 00:41:21,719 Speaker 2: join a running group, do a trivia night, do a 662 00:41:21,760 --> 00:41:26,920 Speaker 2: pottery class, dive back into your hobbies and the things 663 00:41:26,960 --> 00:41:30,319 Speaker 2: that make you feel like you again. Honestly, it's like 664 00:41:30,360 --> 00:41:33,160 Speaker 2: a breakup. After a breakup, you've got to kind of 665 00:41:33,239 --> 00:41:36,600 Speaker 2: curate your social life all over again, and that means 666 00:41:36,600 --> 00:41:38,840 Speaker 2: you get to choose what feels good, what energizes you, 667 00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:42,600 Speaker 2: what you want more of. Losing a friendship knocks your 668 00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:46,680 Speaker 2: confidence so hard. It's so conflicting you know what's for 669 00:41:46,719 --> 00:41:51,240 Speaker 2: the best. You feel like a bad person implicitly, sometimes 670 00:41:51,280 --> 00:41:54,680 Speaker 2: you have regrets, So just investing all of that energy 671 00:41:54,719 --> 00:41:58,880 Speaker 2: back into yourself can really help. It's also so empowering 672 00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:02,279 Speaker 2: to celebrate the upgrade. And I don't want to come 673 00:42:02,320 --> 00:42:07,799 Speaker 2: across as cold or dismissive or insensitive, but they're kind 674 00:42:07,800 --> 00:42:12,000 Speaker 2: of losing the better person here. They're losing you. You know, 675 00:42:12,040 --> 00:42:14,360 Speaker 2: they're losing the person that gave them a bunch of chances, 676 00:42:15,120 --> 00:42:18,520 Speaker 2: that talked them through their behavior, that celebrated them, that 677 00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:22,879 Speaker 2: loved them. For whatever reason, the friendship didn't work out. 678 00:42:23,280 --> 00:42:28,000 Speaker 2: You guys didn't gel, So that doesn't mean that you 679 00:42:28,040 --> 00:42:30,800 Speaker 2: didn't try your hardest and that you're not still at catch. 680 00:42:32,280 --> 00:42:36,280 Speaker 2: You're not losing in this situation. You cannot be friends 681 00:42:36,320 --> 00:42:38,919 Speaker 2: with every single person you've ever met for the rest 682 00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:45,200 Speaker 2: of your life. That is actually again. It's again when 683 00:42:45,239 --> 00:42:48,640 Speaker 2: you realize that someone can't keep up with your emotional bandwidth, 684 00:42:49,040 --> 00:42:52,279 Speaker 2: can't keep up with you, doesn't care about either way 685 00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:55,680 Speaker 2: you care about them as someone who had so many 686 00:42:55,800 --> 00:42:58,480 Speaker 2: experiences when they were a teenager and when they were younger, 687 00:42:58,760 --> 00:43:01,520 Speaker 2: when they were in university where they would try very 688 00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:04,120 Speaker 2: very hard. I would always try so hard to be 689 00:43:04,239 --> 00:43:06,080 Speaker 2: the friend that everyone wanted to be friends with, and 690 00:43:06,120 --> 00:43:09,640 Speaker 2: I would put so much into my friendships, and I 691 00:43:09,680 --> 00:43:12,560 Speaker 2: would love them so much and do the exciting things 692 00:43:12,560 --> 00:43:16,239 Speaker 2: with their birthdays and shout dinners and you know, be 693 00:43:16,320 --> 00:43:21,000 Speaker 2: at their runs and celebrate them. Some people just don't 694 00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:24,440 Speaker 2: appreciate that. And the thing is is that I waited 695 00:43:24,440 --> 00:43:27,600 Speaker 2: a long time, and now I have the people that do, 696 00:43:28,920 --> 00:43:31,400 Speaker 2: so I can tell you that they're out there. I 697 00:43:31,440 --> 00:43:34,680 Speaker 2: was talking to like a family member of mine who's 698 00:43:34,680 --> 00:43:37,640 Speaker 2: ait a lot younger than me, who's like going through 699 00:43:37,680 --> 00:43:42,400 Speaker 2: a really hard time at school, and I just was like, 700 00:43:42,520 --> 00:43:45,560 Speaker 2: I totally get where you're coming from. I spent like 701 00:43:45,760 --> 00:43:49,840 Speaker 2: the first two decades of my life without any real friends, 702 00:43:49,880 --> 00:43:54,160 Speaker 2: with like one real friend, and then suddenly, like I 703 00:43:54,320 --> 00:43:59,040 Speaker 2: entered my mid twenties and everyone came out of the woodwork. 704 00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:02,840 Speaker 2: Everyone was I suddenly just met these amazing people. And 705 00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:05,360 Speaker 2: the same way I didn't settle in a romantic relationship, 706 00:44:05,400 --> 00:44:07,600 Speaker 2: I didn't settle when it came to my friendships either. 707 00:44:08,640 --> 00:44:13,239 Speaker 2: And now I just feel like I have been rewarded 708 00:44:14,160 --> 00:44:18,319 Speaker 2: for my suffering and for my times when I didn't 709 00:44:18,520 --> 00:44:21,759 Speaker 2: get what I wanted in terms of friendship. And I 710 00:44:21,800 --> 00:44:26,120 Speaker 2: truly believe that that happens for people, and that holding 711 00:44:26,160 --> 00:44:29,399 Speaker 2: out for good friends is just again like holding out 712 00:44:29,520 --> 00:44:34,359 Speaker 2: for good relationships. So I'm wishing you the best of luck. 713 00:44:35,160 --> 00:44:39,279 Speaker 2: I hope this episode has brought you some clarity when 714 00:44:39,360 --> 00:44:42,719 Speaker 2: it comes to these relationships. I hope it has given 715 00:44:42,760 --> 00:44:48,200 Speaker 2: you a sense that stepping away it's not necessarily a 716 00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:51,400 Speaker 2: bad thing, is not and does not make you a 717 00:44:51,400 --> 00:44:56,000 Speaker 2: bad person, and that yeah, those people exist and they suck, 718 00:44:56,440 --> 00:44:58,120 Speaker 2: and it's okay to like not want to be friends 719 00:44:58,120 --> 00:45:01,360 Speaker 2: with them anymore. So I hope this episode helped. I 720 00:45:01,400 --> 00:45:03,680 Speaker 2: hope you learned something from it. I want to thank 721 00:45:04,160 --> 00:45:09,680 Speaker 2: out wonderful, wonderful researcher Libby Colbert for her contributions to 722 00:45:09,719 --> 00:45:14,440 Speaker 2: this episode. If you have made it this far, I 723 00:45:14,480 --> 00:45:18,040 Speaker 2: want you to leave a little comment down below showing 724 00:45:18,040 --> 00:45:21,040 Speaker 2: some love for a non toxic friend in your life. 725 00:45:21,520 --> 00:45:24,160 Speaker 2: Let's show people that they still exist. I want to 726 00:45:24,160 --> 00:45:27,520 Speaker 2: shout out my friend erin Aarin is like the other 727 00:45:27,600 --> 00:45:29,520 Speaker 2: member of this podcast. I feel like if you've been 728 00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:32,000 Speaker 2: around for a while, you will have heard her name 729 00:45:32,080 --> 00:45:34,200 Speaker 2: quite a few times. She's been on the podcast, like twice. 730 00:45:34,920 --> 00:45:37,640 Speaker 2: I had such a great weekend with aerin last weekend 731 00:45:37,680 --> 00:45:39,200 Speaker 2: when I went and surprised her, So I just want 732 00:45:39,200 --> 00:45:41,120 Speaker 2: to give a shout out to her. You know, we 733 00:45:41,160 --> 00:45:44,600 Speaker 2: didn't become friends till I was like twenty two, and 734 00:45:45,360 --> 00:45:49,799 Speaker 2: I've never felt so much love from another person who 735 00:45:49,840 --> 00:45:52,480 Speaker 2: I was not like, either a family member of or dating. 736 00:45:53,120 --> 00:45:55,560 Speaker 2: So those friends do exist, and I want to give 737 00:45:55,600 --> 00:45:57,000 Speaker 2: her a shout out, and hopefully you can give a 738 00:45:57,000 --> 00:45:59,719 Speaker 2: shout out to someone like that in the comments blow 739 00:46:00,080 --> 00:46:02,000 Speaker 2: feel coold to do so, make sure that you are 740 00:46:02,120 --> 00:46:05,560 Speaker 2: following along or subscribed wherever you are listening, whether that 741 00:46:05,640 --> 00:46:10,279 Speaker 2: is on YouTube, Apple, Spotify, the iHeartRadio app. Make sure 742 00:46:10,280 --> 00:46:12,080 Speaker 2: to leave a five star review if you feel cold 743 00:46:12,120 --> 00:46:14,920 Speaker 2: to do so, and follow us on Instagram. At that 744 00:46:15,040 --> 00:46:17,879 Speaker 2: Psychology Podcast, someone was asking me the other day why 745 00:46:17,920 --> 00:46:21,719 Speaker 2: it's not the Psychology of your Twenties. I'm feeling sure 746 00:46:21,760 --> 00:46:26,080 Speaker 2: either that name was taken or it was just too long. 747 00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:29,160 Speaker 2: So there you go, there's your answer. That Psychology Podcast 748 00:46:29,280 --> 00:46:31,960 Speaker 2: it is that until next time, stay safe, be kind, 749 00:46:32,040 --> 00:46:34,200 Speaker 2: be gentle to yourself in the face of maybe a 750 00:46:34,239 --> 00:46:37,000 Speaker 2: toxic friendship. I believe in you, and we will talk 751 00:46:37,239 --> 00:46:37,799 Speaker 2: very very soon.