Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: From New York City, the only city in America. It's
Speaker 2: the show that you send you news.
Speaker 3: This this is The Daily Show with your host Jesus Nice.
Speaker 1: Yo, welcome to The Daily Show. I'm your host Jesus
Speaker 1: Nice and Sarah Sarah listen the that's it.
Speaker 4: And for those of you at home who might be confused,
Speaker 4: I'm not Charlemagne.
Speaker 1: I'm the other black black guy. Oh that's how up?
Speaker 1: In which case, I am Charlotte Mana.
Speaker 4: I'm so excited to be back in my hometown, New
Speaker 4: York City. Listen, I have a question. Is the Bronx
Speaker 4: in the building? What about Brooklyn? What about Staten Island?
Speaker 1: Thank you? I told security not to let them in. Listen.
Speaker 4: We've got a great show for you tonight. So let's
Speaker 4: get into some headlines. Look, I know there's a lot
Speaker 4: going on in the world right now, there's so much news.
Speaker 1: But it's also my first day.
Speaker 4: I'm still getting used to everything, like where the cameras are.
Speaker 4: So let's ease into the show. Let's ease into everything
Speaker 4: with some sports news. And by sports news, I mean
Speaker 4: Taylor Swi America Sweetheart. She did some charity over the
Speaker 4: weekend by shining the spotlight on a little unknown sport
Speaker 4: called football. Do we begin with Taylor Swift's secret handshake.
Speaker 5: Swift attended another Kansas City Chiefs game to see her
Speaker 5: rumored boyfriend Travis Kelsey, and here she was sitting with
Speaker 5: Brittany Mahomes, wife.
Speaker 1: The crew back Pastricks Mahomes.
Speaker 5: They broke out a celebration handshake after the Chief's touchdown.
Speaker 4: Yo, she really nailed that. You could see her concentrating too.
Speaker 4: She's like slap, slap, turned bump. You got this girl.
Speaker 4: Also props to Brittany Mahomes. She leveled up. She went
Speaker 4: for being the quarterback's wife to Taylor Swifts. BFF, that's
Speaker 4: like the highest level a white woman can get. I
Speaker 4: will say it's a good thing Taylor is dating someone
Speaker 4: on a good team. If she was dating someone on
Speaker 4: the Jets, she wouldn't have like a touchdown handshake. She
Speaker 4: just had like a reassuring shoulder tap. We'll get them
Speaker 4: next time. You can't win them all or any of them.
Speaker 4: But let's move on to another legend. He's not selling
Speaker 4: out stadiums or dominating headlines, but he's an inspiration to
Speaker 4: millions of people around the world who want to skip
Speaker 4: out on the check.
Speaker 1: We've heard of.
Speaker 6: Dining and dashing, but how about dying and dashing.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 6: This Lithuanian man was arrested in Spain after allegedly faking
Speaker 6: heart attacks and at least twenty restaurants across the country
Speaker 6: to avoid paying his bill. Police say he would order
Speaker 6: food and drinks and then perform a theatrical fake heart
Speaker 6: attack that fooled at least nineteen restaurants. That was until
Speaker 6: staff at the twentieth restaurant caught on. The bill he
Speaker 6: was caught on was thirty seven dollars for some payea
Speaker 6: and shots of risky.
Speaker 4: First of all, look at this legend. Are we sure
Speaker 4: he's not having a heart attack. He looks like he's
Speaker 4: dying and being born at the same time. I don't
Speaker 4: know what's worse that he was acting out with heart
Speaker 4: attacks or that he was doing it during the actors right.
Speaker 1: Stealing is wrong.
Speaker 4: Scavving is unforgivable, my guy. My other question is how
Speaker 4: far did he actually take it?
Speaker 1: Did he actually go to the hospital or is he
Speaker 1: just like I'm dying. I'm dying. It's fine, I'll gravel over,
Speaker 1: but box that up the bread tool. Please, but you know.
Speaker 4: This gam only works in the country universal health care
Speaker 4: and America healthcare is so bad people pretend they're not having.
Speaker 1: Heart attacks to save money.
Speaker 4: Not be not bet don't call the hablins, let me
Speaker 4: cleave honest. All right, doing well so far? All right,
Speaker 4: Let's get into some real news. Let's talk politics. Shila
Speaker 4: Jackson Lee is a congresswoman from Texas who's running for
Speaker 4: mayor of Houston, AH sum although based on some leak
Speaker 4: audio that just came out, you know who's not voting
Speaker 4: for her.
Speaker 1: Her staff.
Speaker 6: To call.
Speaker 7: I don't want you to do a goddamn saying. I
Speaker 7: want you to have a brain. I want you to
Speaker 7: have read it. I want you to take kind of something.
Speaker 7: It was such and such state. That's what I want you.
Speaker 7: That's the kind of staff that I want to have.
Speaker 7: I need to ensure my every schedule and uh, you know,
Speaker 7: I if Google did it, shit app did it, they
Speaker 7: did it, And nobody knows a goddamn thing in my office,
Speaker 7: saint nothing.
Speaker 8: I gave it to you. Your job was to get
Speaker 8: it on the calendar, not to poke your own hand. Okay,
Speaker 8: so when I called your own seed on me sitting
Speaker 8: up there like a fat ass, just an idiot talking
Speaker 8: about what's the heat of though, thank both y'all.
Speaker 1: Off stuff in the app.
Speaker 7: It's the worst kick that I could have a hand
Speaker 7: put together. The two goddamn big ass children an idiot
Speaker 7: serve no goddamn for people.
Speaker 1: Got damn all Listen.
Speaker 4: If you got an older black woman to talk like that,
Speaker 4: you sill all the way up?
Speaker 1: Is it the only way you're getting out of this
Speaker 1: fake a heart attack?
Speaker 4: But it's nice to know Democrats can get angry about
Speaker 4: something because usually they're really.
Speaker 1: Meek, like, I guess we won't pay off these student loans?
Speaker 1: All well? Me watch she's like, hey, what fat ass
Speaker 1: picked up my calendar?
Speaker 4: Damn Jerome, you know what, SESPAN will be the number
Speaker 4: one channel in America If Congress could talk like this,
Speaker 4: eh ah, good afternoon and seem colleagues and mother fish,
Speaker 4: A lot of you dumb ass base shit rags been
Speaker 4: running your nasty little mouth regarding spending bill HR three
Speaker 4: three seven. You little shits are really as stupid as
Speaker 4: you woke.
Speaker 1: I yield my time.
Speaker 4: But good news for Shila because Congress has way bigger
Speaker 4: issues to deal with right now, Republicans are trying to
Speaker 4: figure out a new Speaker of the House, and surprise, surprise,
Speaker 4: even Republicans don't like other Republicans.
Speaker 9: On Friday, House Republicans dropped Jim Jordan of Ohio as
Speaker 9: the nominee in a secret ballot after his three failed
Speaker 9: attempts to get elected. At least nine Republicans are now
Speaker 9: vying to be the Speaker of the House, setting the
Speaker 9: stage for a new candidate forum tomorrow. Among the contenders
Speaker 9: Byron Donalds of Florida, retired Marine Corps Lieutenant General Jack
Speaker 9: Bergman of Michigan, a majority whip, Tom Emmer of Minnesota,
Speaker 9: who's backed by austed speaker Kevin McCarthy.
Speaker 4: That's right, they got nine Republicans running for speaker.
Speaker 7: Now.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be honest, I kind of want to root
Speaker 1: for Byron. I feel like he might be my God.
Speaker 3: I mean.
Speaker 4: No particular reason, but for real, though, look at this
Speaker 4: group of contenders. It looks like someone put a bottle
Speaker 4: of Hershey syrup.
Speaker 1: In the mayonnaise owl.
Speaker 3: Yo.
Speaker 1: All these white dudes look the same.
Speaker 4: In fact, three of them are the same guy, and
Speaker 4: you didn't even notice.
Speaker 1: That's how similar they all are.
Speaker 4: If you ask me, Biray could win this thing easy.
Speaker 4: All he has to do is say vote for me,
Speaker 4: and I'll let you say it. Yeah, you know what
Speaker 4: I'm talking about. Oh, I'm kidding. You know they already
Speaker 4: say it. Listen for more on the race for speaker,
Speaker 4: we go live to the Capitol with Desi laid.
Speaker 1: Jackie. What's your take on the situation?
Speaker 10: Well, in political science terms, Republicans are all kinds.
Speaker 1: Of sucked up right now.
Speaker 10: Although to be fair, the situation isn't all bad. When
Speaker 10: the House doesn't have a speaker. Americans don't have to
Speaker 10: pay any bills.
Speaker 1: I'm al well certain that's not true. You have to
Speaker 1: pay your bills. No, I don't think so.
Speaker 10: You can't pass bills, therefore I don't have to pay bills.
Speaker 10: It's political science. It's okay, it's your first day.
Speaker 1: Cool, cool, all right. Look it's been a few weeks. Now,
Speaker 1: what can Republicans do to find a speaker?
Speaker 10: Well, Republicans can do what women have been doing for centuries.
Speaker 1: They can settle.
Speaker 10: Look, they're not getting any younger. It's time to accept
Speaker 10: a speaker who's you know, just good enough. Maybe his
Speaker 10: resume isn't as tall as you had hoped for. Maybe
Speaker 10: he sends you weird pictures of his caucus, or I
Speaker 10: don't know, maybe he's Jim Jordan, well tough.
Speaker 1: That is what's settling. Is all about.
Speaker 10: Either he's got a job or he's good in bed.
Speaker 1: It's never both.
Speaker 10: He either has a good relationship with his mom or
Speaker 10: he's good in bed.
Speaker 1: It's never both.
Speaker 10: You know, he can either read or he's good in bed.
Speaker 1: It's never vote. Why can it ever be both?
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm learning a lot about you, Jesse. Yeah, but
Speaker 4: they're gonna have to pick someone.
Speaker 1: Who do you think they should pick? Oh?
Speaker 10: Oh, that's their choice, hesus. I would never tell Republicans
Speaker 10: what they should do with their legislative body.
Speaker 3: Now.
Speaker 10: No, all I'm gonna say is time is of the
Speaker 10: essence and their political clock is ticking. Okay, maybe, just
Speaker 10: maybe Kevin McCarthy was the one that got away. You know,
Speaker 10: they had a mediocre thing going and they took it
Speaker 10: for granted. Look, I know he lies, and he's not
Speaker 10: good with money, and yeah, he voted to overturn the election.
Speaker 10: He's also probably terrible, terrible in bed and can't read.
Speaker 10: But look, it's cuffing season. For the love of God,
Speaker 10: just turn off the lights and vote.
Speaker 1: Don't ride with everybody so good. Listen.
Speaker 4: When we come back, I'll meet some real New Yorkers,
Speaker 4: so stick around.
Speaker 1: You're yes, welcome back to the Daily Show.
Speaker 5: Now.
Speaker 4: If you know anything about me, I am a real
Speaker 4: New Yorker. Well, I don't know if any of y'all
Speaker 4: are real New Yorkers.
Speaker 1: So hit the street. It's a find out. You're what up?
Speaker 1: It's your boy, Jesus is nice.
Speaker 4: We're here in New York City talking to New Yorkers
Speaker 4: about what makes them a real New Yorker. We're gonna
Speaker 4: find out if it's about being born here versus the
Speaker 4: experience you had here follow me or let's hear some
Speaker 4: chop cheese stories.
Speaker 1: You consider yourself a real New Yorker? Definitely? Yes, we're
Speaker 1: born here. I was born here for Green Brooklyn Brooklyn Hospital,
Speaker 1: and that's how you know he's a real New Yorker.
Speaker 1: He told me the hospital. I did not ask him. Okay,
Speaker 1: this is what we do. We are noxious like that.
Speaker 1: Are you a New Yorker? I consider myself in New Yorker?
Speaker 1: You consider yourself in New Yorker? I moved here from
Speaker 1: Hong Kong when I was four years old.
Speaker 4: Is there like one event that happened and you're like,
Speaker 4: damn it, I went through that I'm a New Yorker
Speaker 4: Or is it just the whole experience?
Speaker 1: Really the whole experience. I mean even this itself is
Speaker 1: an experience I would consider. Yeah, what do you feel
Speaker 1: is the most New York thing you've ever seen? Probably
Speaker 1: when jay Z brought over the lassit sh boy. As
Speaker 1: a New Yorker, what borough has the worst guys?
Speaker 11: The worst guys?
Speaker 1: I would say the Bronx. How do you have to straight?
Speaker 1: What's wrong with the Bronx? I just feel like the
Speaker 1: Bronx is dirty, no offense. What about Hoptown and the Bronx?
Speaker 1: Then I don't freak with the Bronx. Bro even go
Speaker 1: with the It's just far bro. As far as training
Speaker 1: ride far, the most crazy I said I seen.
Speaker 12: I was on Fordham Road and Grand Concourds and a
Speaker 12: crackhead went right.
Speaker 1: In the middle of the street and just took a ship.
Speaker 1: That's the most crazyest shot I s so far. To
Speaker 1: be fair, is that crazy for Fordham Roads?
Speaker 3: Nah?
Speaker 1: Regular Brons as every New Yorker has one of these.
Speaker 1: I have to ask you what your your go to order?
Speaker 1: Chop chopzi. That was the hero road. Here was a morning.
Speaker 4: Yeah, let me get a bot mannaise, so type of
Speaker 4: extra tomato.
Speaker 1: You want me to take baking and cheese? I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't that stereotypical. So you want me to say
Speaker 1: if you said that, that means you're a transplant or
Speaker 1: undercover car. We're not falling through. Which is the two ratings?
Speaker 1: Do you think is a better rating? An A or
Speaker 1: a C. I'm saying you passed that. A means just
Speaker 1: clean the rats that were they have benefits that content. Okay,
Speaker 1: do you know what? To see means?
Speaker 4: No, it's supposed to me and the place is disgusting.
Speaker 4: It's probably right here in the food wrong. It means
Speaker 4: is probably some of the best food you have.
Speaker 1: Succulent. You're gonna eat that chicken off the bone? Which
Speaker 1: is the best restaurant? Grave? Come on, wow, off the river,
Speaker 1: Come on off the river. Okay, Amy's clean, baby.
Speaker 4: Yeah, you know if they ain't give you no attitude
Speaker 4: and they ain't got to see in the front.
Speaker 12: Door the Chinese spot with the big chicken wings be
Speaker 12: stands for the best.
Speaker 4: Are you a knickdam Oh, come on, baby, doing die
Speaker 4: in the next I mean, you know we win in
Speaker 4: a minute, but we think.
Speaker 1: We got to see you got it baby? All die
Speaker 1: Hard's New York clicks all day baby.
Speaker 4: That's what I love about New Yorkers are optimists. But
Speaker 4: when the Knicks winner championship, what are you gonna vandalize me?
Speaker 1: Personally?
Speaker 4: I'm gonna flip the Christopher Columbus statue of fifty ninth Street.
Speaker 4: Get him out of here, Get him out of If
Speaker 4: you have one piece of advice for anyone about to
Speaker 4: come to New York.
Speaker 1: What would you where advice is mind your business, and
Speaker 1: you won't get mine. Your business. Mind your business, man,
Speaker 1: just goddamn business. I think you have passed the test.
Speaker 1: You are a real New Yorker man.
Speaker 4: I appreciate you about to go put on a fresh
Speaker 4: Yankee man. Even though you completely destroyed the Bronx and
Speaker 4: you called us dirty, you said we're fatherless, I recognize
Speaker 4: you are.
Speaker 1: A true New Yorker. Yes, thank you.
Speaker 4: Using the talent that was given to me by Giuliani,
Speaker 4: I now proclaim you a true New Yorker.
Speaker 1: This guy is the real deal right here please may
Speaker 1: one day. Let's go Baby, Let's go Max, Let's go Niggs.
Speaker 1: What does it take to be a New Yorker? In
Speaker 1: your opinion, you have to have.
Speaker 9: A lot of grits, and you have to work hardly hard,
Speaker 9: and also you just have to be opinionated, told your
Speaker 9: own you.
Speaker 1: Know what, using your own standard of definition of a
Speaker 1: New Yorker. You passed the test, Sammon, Oh, thank you.
Speaker 1: You are now a true New Yorker.
Speaker 4: I want you to walk down the street and bump
Speaker 4: into someone and not apologize.
Speaker 1: There we go, Here we go.
Speaker 4: Can't beat that, al right, when we come back, were
Speaker 4: talking to a real New Yorker. Congress Woman Alexandria Casio court.
Speaker 12: Has one of the show go away Welcome back to
Speaker 12: the Daily Show. My guest tonight represents New York's fourteenth Congressional.
Speaker 1: District, which includes parts of the Rocks and Queens.
Speaker 4: Please welcome Congresswoman Alexandria Casio Quarte.
Speaker 1: Let's see aot.
Speaker 11: Always good to see you, Always good to see a
Speaker 11: Bronx site, Always good to see astruction.
Speaker 1: How you've been I've been good.
Speaker 11: I mean it's been a little you know, crazy.
Speaker 1: And it's been a wild time in Congress. What's in
Speaker 1: rod been like for you?
Speaker 4: Because I see you on social media and you can
Speaker 4: just be like, hey, it's a sunny day and people
Speaker 4: are like, I hate you.
Speaker 11: You know, it's not that different than the six train
Speaker 11: at midnight sometimes got you? So you know you get
Speaker 11: that practice, right, but you still love what you do.
Speaker 3: I do.
Speaker 11: In fact, I think I love it now more than ever.
Speaker 1: Okay, I have to ask you about the House speaker debacle.
Speaker 4: Yes, from the outside, I have no idea what's going
Speaker 4: in Could you just really quickly explain it.
Speaker 11: So Republicans kicked out their speaker and now they can't
Speaker 11: find a new guy to run their group projects. Yes,
Speaker 11: and they're all like fighting with each other about it.
Speaker 1: Got you. Yeah, Now for a local in the Bronx,
Speaker 1: how does this affect them?
Speaker 11: So in terms of how this affects the Bronx, we've
Speaker 11: got a clock ticking on a government shutdown. And if
Speaker 11: this gets us to a point of a government shutdown,
Speaker 11: I mean that's real, right, that's when we start seeing
Speaker 11: TSA and airports get affected. That's when people could potentially
Speaker 11: miss their checks. So this is something that's really important
Speaker 11: for everybody to make sure that we get that pressure on.
Speaker 11: But also we need to make sure that we don't
Speaker 11: have people like Jim Jordan or extremists, because whoever takes
Speaker 11: over the House could potentially put our democracy in danger
Speaker 11: when it comes to certifying or re certifying an election.
Speaker 3: And so on.
Speaker 4: Got you Now, you know, people say Congress doesn't really
Speaker 4: get anything done right now because of the shutdown.
Speaker 1: But what were you guys getting done before? Because I
Speaker 1: know you've been doing something. Okay, that's an excellent question.
Speaker 11: I will say from when Republicans took over to now,
Speaker 11: they provided a lot of meme content.
Speaker 1: Yes, But before that, when.
Speaker 11: Democrats were in the majority, we passed the largest climate
Speaker 11: package in American history.
Speaker 3: We have.
Speaker 11: We cast inkulin at thirty five dollars for people. We
Speaker 11: made sure that you know, when the pandemic went through,
Speaker 11: we started the program of child tax credits. Now, we
Speaker 11: had some folks in the Senate shut that down. But
Speaker 11: when we take back the Senate, we want to make
Speaker 11: sure that we re establish and expand those programs back
Speaker 11: again too.
Speaker 1: So okay, we're able to do some things.
Speaker 11: They're on the.
Speaker 5: Struggle bos a little bit.
Speaker 1: Did I put some respect on my name? I feel you.
Speaker 4: All right, So we just did a piece about the
Speaker 4: people running for House Speaker.
Speaker 1: Who are you voting for?
Speaker 11: None of them?
Speaker 7: I can tell you.
Speaker 11: I'll be casting my vote for Hakeem Jeffries.
Speaker 1: All right, So you know talks about parents, old and parents.
Speaker 1: Some immigrants are the lifeblood of New York City.
Speaker 4: Our mayor Eric Adams, he said, we can't handle anymore
Speaker 4: in here. You represent one of the most diverse districts
Speaker 4: in Congress. What can be done at a federal level
Speaker 4: to help?
Speaker 11: Well, here's the thing is that I think, whether from
Speaker 11: all parts of the political spectrum, one of the biggest
Speaker 11: issues that we have when it comes to immigration is
Speaker 11: the fact that we have an undocumented population. Now, you
Speaker 11: can fix that by trying to build a wall, or
Speaker 11: you can fix that by trying to document people and
Speaker 11: create a path to citizenship.
Speaker 1: And we'll have folks that.
Speaker 11: Might say, look at these systems. You know that our
Speaker 11: shelter system has weight and things like that. But one
Speaker 11: of the reasons that our public systems experience weight is
Speaker 11: because people don't have a documented and reliable path to
Speaker 11: work and sustain themselves, just like all of our ancestors
Speaker 11: did and our grandparents and great grandparents. You know. I
Speaker 11: always love when people talk about like, oh, well, you know,
Speaker 11: my great grandfather came and he wrote his name wrong
Speaker 11: on a book, and now he's a citizen. And like,
Speaker 11: can we put two and two together that that our
Speaker 11: processes today are so difficult that they make our immigration
Speaker 11: process difficult. But that doesn't mean that immigrants do not
Speaker 11: create a positive contribution to our country and our economy
Speaker 11: and our society. And so the answer should really be,
Speaker 11: we should make it easier to be legal, documented, and
Speaker 11: a citizen of the United States.
Speaker 1: And I'm right there, right there. What was great talking
Speaker 1: to you? Thank you for coming. Give it up for
Speaker 1: Congresswoman Alexander from the want to take a quick breakful,
Speaker 1: we'll right back half of this.
Speaker 3: Yo.
Speaker 1: That's our show for tonight. Before we go PO consider
Speaker 1: supporting Dream Yards. They work with young people, families, and
Speaker 1: schools and.
Speaker 4: Where the BX to build pathways towards equity and opportunity
Speaker 4: through the arts.
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