1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:04,040 Speaker 1: Support for today's podcast comes from Cricket Wireless. Are you 2 00:00:04,080 --> 00:00:06,360 Speaker 1: looking for a way to end summer on a high note, 3 00:00:06,760 --> 00:00:10,840 Speaker 1: They've got just the thing. Get ready for unlimited smiles 4 00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:15,280 Speaker 1: unlimited times four. Get four lines of unlimited data for 5 00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:18,680 Speaker 1: a hundred dollars a month. Please note that Cricket Core 6 00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:22,400 Speaker 1: is required on four lines. Data speed limited to three 7 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:26,000 Speaker 1: megabits per second. Cricket may slow data speeds when the 8 00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:41,879 Speaker 1: network is busy. Additional fees, usage and restrictions apply. Welcome 9 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:45,879 Speaker 1: to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, a weekly conversation 10 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:50,440 Speaker 1: about mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions 11 00:00:50,479 --> 00:00:53,920 Speaker 1: we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. 12 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:58,200 Speaker 1: I'm your host, Dr joy Hard and Bradford, a licensed 13 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:02,680 Speaker 1: psychologist in Atlanta. Jo our jail. For more information or 14 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:06,200 Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area, visit our website 15 00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:09,959 Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While I hope 16 00:01:09,959 --> 00:01:13,840 Speaker 1: you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it 17 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:16,880 Speaker 1: is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship 18 00:01:16,959 --> 00:01:27,959 Speaker 1: with a licensed mental health professional. Hey y'all, thanks so 19 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:30,440 Speaker 1: much for joining me for session one eight of the 20 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:34,400 Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls podcasts. I'm sure by now you've 21 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:38,920 Speaker 1: seen and heard the newest release from Cordiba Meg called Wop. Well, 22 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,720 Speaker 1: of course everybody in their mama has an opinion about 23 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:44,280 Speaker 1: the song, so we had to chat about what it 24 00:01:44,319 --> 00:01:47,480 Speaker 1: all means, and Dr Lex Brown James is back with 25 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:51,320 Speaker 1: us to join the conversation. Dr Lex is an Amazon 26 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:54,360 Speaker 1: best selling author of These Are My Eyes, This is 27 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:57,760 Speaker 1: My Nose, This is my vulva, These are My toes. 28 00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:01,600 Speaker 1: And It's a licensed marriage and the therapist and a 29 00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:06,480 Speaker 1: sex Certified Sexuality educator and supervisor. When not in therapy, 30 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:12,320 Speaker 1: she contracts with organizations regarding reprojective justice and accessible, comprehensive, 31 00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:17,960 Speaker 1: intersectional and anti oppressive sexuality education. Dr Lex and I 32 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:21,679 Speaker 1: chatted about the stereotypes that are often invoked in commentary 33 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:26,800 Speaker 1: about black women's sexuality, the importance of agency and sexual liberation, 34 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:32,080 Speaker 1: how respectability politics are used to shame black women, and 35 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:35,680 Speaker 1: how we can unpack our own shame around sexuality to 36 00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:41,240 Speaker 1: encourage healthier attitudes towards sexuality for our children. If anything 37 00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:44,600 Speaker 1: resonates with you while enjoying this episode, please share it 38 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:48,480 Speaker 1: with us on social media using the hashtag TBG in session. 39 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:54,400 Speaker 1: Here's our conversation. Thank you, so much for joining us 40 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:57,720 Speaker 1: again today. Dr Lex, thank you for having me back. 41 00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:01,560 Speaker 1: I love it here. We're always happy to have you back. 42 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:04,919 Speaker 1: I really appreciate you sliding into my d I was like, hey, 43 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:08,640 Speaker 1: can we talk about this. You have created just such 44 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:13,160 Speaker 1: the perfect platform, So tell me, like, what was your 45 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:18,000 Speaker 1: initial reaction to the visuals as well as audio? So 46 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:22,360 Speaker 1: in my chest, my reactions were my knees still got it. 47 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:25,280 Speaker 1: That's what I thought initially, like I could drop down 48 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,840 Speaker 1: and get back up, and I didn't fall out, nor 49 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:29,800 Speaker 1: did I die. So I was really proud of myself 50 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:35,960 Speaker 1: out of that. And it was so free. There was 51 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:38,920 Speaker 1: a nineties nostalgia. You know, I grew up in Atlanta, 52 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:40,440 Speaker 1: I grew up in College Park, so here in frank 53 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:44,680 Speaker 1: Ski on the radio was normal and regular every morning, 54 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:47,120 Speaker 1: and I was like, look at this homage, Look at 55 00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:50,440 Speaker 1: this homage, and that was unexpected. And then all of 56 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:56,960 Speaker 1: the commentary and it's all based on this over sexualization 57 00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:00,400 Speaker 1: of black women. And I was like, Okay, let's see 58 00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:03,480 Speaker 1: where this goes. But everybody only defaulted to this over 59 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:07,760 Speaker 1: sexualization of the black woman based on this Jezebel stereotype. 60 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:13,480 Speaker 1: The Jezebel stereotype is the idea that black women typically 61 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:18,280 Speaker 1: our class figured, lighter skin and with some type of 62 00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:23,360 Speaker 1: non kinky hair. I think the mulatto type woman is 63 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:29,760 Speaker 1: sexually overt and think Carmen Jones, right, So Carmen in 64 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:32,560 Speaker 1: that movie would be the idea of a Jezebel. But 65 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:37,159 Speaker 1: people forget the conversation where black women and their sexualization. 66 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:41,760 Speaker 1: They're also sexualized as Mammy's so fat, dark skinned black 67 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:45,760 Speaker 1: women who have kink your hair, who are considered not 68 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:50,560 Speaker 1: necessarily sexual, right, because they're not the Jezebel, and yet 69 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,800 Speaker 1: they reproduce and take care of children. They are the 70 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:57,119 Speaker 1: four mother four, but people think of as the welfare queen. 71 00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:01,560 Speaker 1: They're having sex, they're producing, but they're necessarily seen as 72 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:04,599 Speaker 1: very sexual. And then there's also the sapphire and the 73 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:07,880 Speaker 1: sapphire is comes from Amos and Andy, right, and it's 74 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:12,240 Speaker 1: considered that kind of ball buster type woman who is like, 75 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:17,240 Speaker 1: oh well you can't handle me, and attitudinal and think 76 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:21,240 Speaker 1: maybe like a Claire Huxtable tight, I will tell you 77 00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:25,240 Speaker 1: when we will be together in this way. And then 78 00:05:25,279 --> 00:05:28,400 Speaker 1: there's the superwoman to the black superwoman, this idea that 79 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,599 Speaker 1: black women can make a dollar out of fifteen cents 80 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:34,800 Speaker 1: and take care of communities and their children and their 81 00:05:34,839 --> 00:05:39,880 Speaker 1: partners and their job and everything holding and amazing, and 82 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,760 Speaker 1: they're never exhausted or tired and always have this pleasant 83 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:46,800 Speaker 1: attitude And then considered a sexual right because they're so 84 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:51,000 Speaker 1: strong and they don't even need sex, and nobody is 85 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,760 Speaker 1: willing to like really broach them because they don't need 86 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:57,640 Speaker 1: to have this physical pleasure or satisfaction in their lives. 87 00:05:58,279 --> 00:06:01,880 Speaker 1: All of these other stereotypes and the only one that 88 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:04,040 Speaker 1: people wanted to focus on was the Jezebel And I 89 00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:07,760 Speaker 1: was like, huh, well that's pigeonholing. So why do you 90 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,680 Speaker 1: think that is? Do you think that people aren't even 91 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:13,440 Speaker 1: aware of all of these other stereotypes. I think they're aware, 92 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:16,599 Speaker 1: but I don't think that their sexuality is as amped up. 93 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:20,640 Speaker 1: And I think that a black woman in charge of 94 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:25,520 Speaker 1: her own sexual pleasure is scary for some folks. We 95 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:28,120 Speaker 1: have a lot of shame. I was personally told as 96 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:32,000 Speaker 1: a child to call my vagina pocketbook because I'm a Southerner, 97 00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:34,359 Speaker 1: and you keep your pocketbook closed and you keep it 98 00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:37,560 Speaker 1: off the floor, right, those are the two things you learned. 99 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:41,560 Speaker 1: And I was like, huh, that's interesting. Why why would 100 00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:44,520 Speaker 1: it ever be on the floor. But the idea that 101 00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:47,359 Speaker 1: if you have this own sexual pleasure, you're some type 102 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:52,880 Speaker 1: of home, you're some type of wandtime over sexualized quote 103 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:57,000 Speaker 1: unquote not wifey material, right, And so I don't think 104 00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,720 Speaker 1: the other ones get as much play because they are 105 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:04,000 Speaker 1: and what more acceptable. Yeah, because the sexuality, like you said, 106 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:06,599 Speaker 1: is not as over so it might be okay for 107 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:11,600 Speaker 1: those things to be happening, but everybody doesn't know about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 108 00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:13,840 Speaker 1: A lot of the commentary I saw dr Lex was 109 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:18,680 Speaker 1: around just this whole idea like is this appropriate especially 110 00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:21,840 Speaker 1: right now? Right? So people it felt like we're you know, 111 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:25,320 Speaker 1: offended or really shocked, especially given everything that's happening in 112 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:28,800 Speaker 1: the world right now that we have this overly sexual 113 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:32,200 Speaker 1: you know, like women reclaiming their sexuality are claiming their 114 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:34,800 Speaker 1: sexuality in a way that feels like it might not 115 00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:37,360 Speaker 1: fit with like everything going on in the world right now, 116 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:41,640 Speaker 1: right And my question is when better better to do 117 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:46,680 Speaker 1: it while we are having movements towards black liberation and freedom, 118 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:51,560 Speaker 1: right when we are having more time maybe to ourselves 119 00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:56,760 Speaker 1: at home to have these conversations. When better to talk 120 00:07:56,800 --> 00:08:00,560 Speaker 1: about what sexual liberation looks like. I've had giants who 121 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:04,000 Speaker 1: didn't know what the different parts of their well are were. 122 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:08,360 Speaker 1: They're calling their clearter as the third nipple, m right, 123 00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:11,720 Speaker 1: or scared to say any of the words that are 124 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,320 Speaker 1: in what right, especially the P part. They can't say 125 00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:17,280 Speaker 1: that word out loud or they whisper it very low 126 00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:22,120 Speaker 1: because of the shame and the we've not supposed to 127 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:25,680 Speaker 1: talk about this, and they suffer in their sex lives. 128 00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:29,080 Speaker 1: They don't say this isn't pleasurable all er, this hurts, 129 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:31,440 Speaker 1: or I really want to try doing this a different 130 00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:34,480 Speaker 1: way because they don't think they're allowed to. They don't 131 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:37,280 Speaker 1: have that permission, and nobody ever gave them that permission. 132 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:40,599 Speaker 1: You know, Dr Les, one of the first time you 133 00:08:40,679 --> 00:08:42,960 Speaker 1: were here, you talked about a sexual shame right, Like 134 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:45,240 Speaker 1: I know a lot of your work sensors on that. 135 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:47,720 Speaker 1: So I want to hear you talk more about like 136 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,080 Speaker 1: how that shame does play out, because I don't think 137 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:54,200 Speaker 1: that people necessarily recognize that what they're experiencing in their 138 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:57,760 Speaker 1: reaction to this video or other things is shame. Child 139 00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:02,319 Speaker 1: look because the interwets were taught okay, and the level 140 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:06,160 Speaker 1: of respectability politics, and I've typed this a couple of 141 00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:10,560 Speaker 1: times online at this point. Right, So, this idea that 142 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:15,040 Speaker 1: black women are inherently sexual and they get over sexualized, 143 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:19,080 Speaker 1: and it's it's true. There is the adultation of young 144 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:22,240 Speaker 1: black girls, and there's an adultification of black males too. 145 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:26,760 Speaker 1: You have they're sexual from puberty and they want sex, right, 146 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:31,040 Speaker 1: is a misnomer, and it is put on black bodies. Undoubtedly. 147 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:36,920 Speaker 1: This conversation and WOP are two different conversations. We're talking 148 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:43,280 Speaker 1: about being able to enjoy pleasure. So Vasal congestion big 149 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:46,240 Speaker 1: fun words because I like dropping big fun words here, right, 150 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:50,240 Speaker 1: is when the genitals are actually feeling blood. And it 151 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:53,880 Speaker 1: can happen from an allergy, it can happen from arousal. 152 00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:58,000 Speaker 1: It can happen because like you just need extra bloow 153 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:01,599 Speaker 1: in that region for some reason. Canal starts to lubricate 154 00:10:01,679 --> 00:10:05,319 Speaker 1: during arousal and expitement. Right, And the vaginal canal can 155 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:09,320 Speaker 1: even change colors like a lighter pink to a deeper 156 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:12,400 Speaker 1: red or a crimson or even a purple. Right, because 157 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:15,959 Speaker 1: it is saying like I'm excited for this, we can 158 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,600 Speaker 1: start to own that it is okay for you to 159 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:23,200 Speaker 1: have pleasure in a society that's been taught that you're 160 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:25,559 Speaker 1: not supposed to have pleasure, you're supposed to self sacrifice 161 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:29,960 Speaker 1: for goodness, and for Black women specifically, because some colonizers 162 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:34,640 Speaker 1: saw some bare breasted African women on the coast and 163 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:37,000 Speaker 1: was like, oh, they must have sex all the time 164 00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:40,760 Speaker 1: because their breasts are always out, and because they felt 165 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:44,440 Speaker 1: aroused by seeing this, by seeing this natural state of 166 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:48,080 Speaker 1: being and the body in this way, they posited that 167 00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:54,160 Speaker 1: on those African women. And that is the narrative that 168 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:58,960 Speaker 1: has been used to scapegoat abuse of Black women and 169 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:03,840 Speaker 1: girls throughout time. And so to fight back against that narrative, 170 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,840 Speaker 1: it's you have to be as prim and proper as possible, 171 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,760 Speaker 1: because this is the world already believes about you. M h. 172 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,559 Speaker 1: And what takes that and throws it out the window, 173 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:16,240 Speaker 1: saying like, why am I gonna go I'm gonna decolonize 174 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:19,080 Speaker 1: my perspective? Why do I have to believe with these 175 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:21,960 Speaker 1: people have said about me all the time? Why do 176 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:25,280 Speaker 1: I have to be this way to be respected? You know? 177 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:28,320 Speaker 1: Brianna Hold had a beautiful quote. So she just wrote 178 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:31,240 Speaker 1: a piece for Complex all about Wow, and she says 179 00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:34,120 Speaker 1: black women have little to no control of how society 180 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:38,160 Speaker 1: views us with or without party. In Megan's Caleb, black 181 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:40,640 Speaker 1: women shaking their butts and describing their sex life and 182 00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:43,319 Speaker 1: music is not what says black women back. It's the 183 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:47,160 Speaker 1: people who justify harm towards us because of these actions. 184 00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:52,040 Speaker 1: And that sounds like what you're talking about exactly exactly, 185 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:54,200 Speaker 1: That's exactly what I'm saying, right And we see that 186 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:56,400 Speaker 1: in rape culture. Right, Well, she was wearing a short stin, 187 00:11:56,679 --> 00:11:59,319 Speaker 1: she was asking for it, or she drank too much 188 00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:02,440 Speaker 1: at a party, or she's had sex with this many people, 189 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:05,080 Speaker 1: so it must have meant that she wanted it now 190 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:09,719 Speaker 1: And it's like what or we think about again the 191 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:14,520 Speaker 1: dultification of young black girls. It's, oh, well, she's developed enough, 192 00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:18,600 Speaker 1: her body is ready, And I'm like, that's that's not 193 00:12:18,679 --> 00:12:22,880 Speaker 1: what this is. This is literally saying I can enjoy 194 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:26,959 Speaker 1: my body. I feel empowered through the pleasure of my body, 195 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:30,440 Speaker 1: and I know what pleases my body, and there's power 196 00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:33,920 Speaker 1: in that and starting to recognize that power that is 197 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:38,400 Speaker 1: being owned, you know, Dr Lex That is another part 198 00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:42,080 Speaker 1: of what I have been observing is people talking about, well, 199 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:45,240 Speaker 1: how is this not a continuation of the conversation of 200 00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:48,439 Speaker 1: the adultification of black girls, like, what kind of message 201 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:52,200 Speaker 1: is descending to our young black girls? M Well, part 202 00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:56,199 Speaker 1: of it is when you grown, you've got grown folks business, right, 203 00:12:56,360 --> 00:13:00,679 Speaker 1: grown folks business at the basic level. And so growing up, 204 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:05,560 Speaker 1: I had an interesting childhood and very liberal parents. I 205 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:08,800 Speaker 1: learned about a lot about sex and sexuality, which was 206 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:13,400 Speaker 1: amazing because it helped me right. So, studies show that 207 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:17,359 Speaker 1: the more that kids learn about sexuality, so not just intercourse, 208 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:22,400 Speaker 1: not just penetration, but whole sexuality, body esteem, intimacy, consent, 209 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:27,720 Speaker 1: talking about expression of self, all of those things, the 210 00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:31,200 Speaker 1: longer they will actually wait and the more likely they're 211 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:34,640 Speaker 1: going to be to use protection when they decide to 212 00:13:34,679 --> 00:13:38,199 Speaker 1: engage in some type of intercourse or outer course. All 213 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:40,240 Speaker 1: that to be said. Growing up, I got to attend 214 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:43,360 Speaker 1: hen parties with my mom and my aunties, who are 215 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:46,040 Speaker 1: really my neighbors, but y'all know how that goes, right, 216 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,959 Speaker 1: So and their kids are my cousins and or my 217 00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:52,160 Speaker 1: nieces and nephews depending on our age. And I got 218 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:53,920 Speaker 1: to go to hen parties where they would talk about, 219 00:13:54,559 --> 00:13:56,440 Speaker 1: you know, being with these guys when I was a 220 00:13:56,480 --> 00:14:00,520 Speaker 1: teenager and ex boyfriends and how something did work and 221 00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:04,280 Speaker 1: how something didn't. And I'm like, Wow, there's a whole 222 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:07,680 Speaker 1: world in this. There's a whole world in like this 223 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:12,680 Speaker 1: power of feminine attitude and ownership that a lot of 224 00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:15,200 Speaker 1: us don't get to know about. A lot of us 225 00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:17,800 Speaker 1: are saying, oh, you'll find that out when you're supposed 226 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:21,360 Speaker 1: to find that out. But our mentors not aren't necessarily 227 00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:24,160 Speaker 1: comfortable guiding us, and so we have to learn through 228 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:28,440 Speaker 1: pain instead of learning through wisdom. M And I'd rather 229 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:32,080 Speaker 1: folks learn through wisdom than So I wonder if you 230 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:35,640 Speaker 1: can offer some strategies to people about how that can happen, right, 231 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:38,520 Speaker 1: because I think the messaging that young women often get 232 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:41,320 Speaker 1: is just keep your legs closed, right, Like, we'll figure 233 00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:43,760 Speaker 1: that out, like you said, when you're older. But who 234 00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:45,720 Speaker 1: am I going to figure it out from if like 235 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:48,840 Speaker 1: nobody's talking to me about it? So what kinds of 236 00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:51,920 Speaker 1: things do you think people can do to to import 237 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:55,280 Speaker 1: this wisdom? Right? So I can give an example for 238 00:14:55,360 --> 00:15:01,760 Speaker 1: my own life. So I have trolling kids them a baby, Um, 239 00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:04,560 Speaker 1: those are my habs. And my oldest hab is a 240 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:07,240 Speaker 1: Volba owner and said it's okay that I call her 241 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:11,800 Speaker 1: by sheet or he pronounced not say. And one day 242 00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:14,920 Speaker 1: was sitting on my lap and tends to be new 243 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:18,440 Speaker 1: because she's three and that's what life is right now. 244 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:21,280 Speaker 1: So sitting on my lap and started like touching her 245 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:23,400 Speaker 1: volba and I was like, are you touching your vulva? 246 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:28,040 Speaker 1: And she says, yeah, it's nice. I'm like, it is nice. 247 00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:31,120 Speaker 1: And we didn't talk about consent of you touching your 248 00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:34,080 Speaker 1: robo while you were on me. I'm a little bit 249 00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,440 Speaker 1: uncomfortable and I'd really like for you to do that 250 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,760 Speaker 1: in your own private space when you're by yourself, like 251 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:40,600 Speaker 1: your room, or if you want to go to the 252 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:45,320 Speaker 1: bathroom and do that, that's absolutely fine. And she was like, well, 253 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:48,720 Speaker 1: I kind of want to watch the Magic School Bus. 254 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:51,200 Speaker 1: I was like, okay, we can continue watching the Magic 255 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,440 Speaker 1: school Bus. And then she was like, well, let me 256 00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:55,200 Speaker 1: go wash my hands again. And I was like, thank 257 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:57,440 Speaker 1: you for doing that, and went off and washed her 258 00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:59,640 Speaker 1: hands again and came back and said on my lap 259 00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:04,880 Speaker 1: and in touch your bulba anymore? Right, all of that says, yes, 260 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:07,440 Speaker 1: it's nice to touch your bolba is absolutely okay to 261 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:09,440 Speaker 1: touch your bolba. It is not okay to touch your 262 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,880 Speaker 1: volba while you were on me, right, this is not 263 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:14,400 Speaker 1: a private place to do, so please go do that 264 00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:17,520 Speaker 1: in a private place or you can stop and do 265 00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:20,800 Speaker 1: it later. But we're not shaming, right, And some people 266 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:22,560 Speaker 1: are like, well, my kids not three. My kid is 267 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,960 Speaker 1: sixteen and trying to be out here in these streets 268 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:28,320 Speaker 1: during COVID and etcetera, etcetera. It's time to talk to 269 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:31,080 Speaker 1: them about one. If they're out in the streets, if 270 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:34,200 Speaker 1: they are doing things that were they're sexually active, is 271 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:37,000 Speaker 1: it pleasurable for them? Have you taught your child how 272 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:40,000 Speaker 1: to advocate for their own pleasure and what that looks like. 273 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:42,440 Speaker 1: I've never met a parent yet who says I want 274 00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,840 Speaker 1: my kids to have a crappy sex life. I've not 275 00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,280 Speaker 1: yet met that parents. Right. Most parents are just like, 276 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,720 Speaker 1: I don't want them to have less sex life period, right, 277 00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:57,320 Speaker 1: And that's absolutely okay and absolutely unrealistic. Right. If they 278 00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:00,040 Speaker 1: choose that, then fine, but not just because you in 279 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:03,840 Speaker 1: it exactly exactly right. And even folks who identify as 280 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:08,639 Speaker 1: a sexual might have some type of romantic or physically 281 00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:13,679 Speaker 1: pleasurable intercourse or sexual play. So it's saying, hey, have 282 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,399 Speaker 1: you checked in with your body and to see what 283 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:18,520 Speaker 1: feels nice, right, How do you tell somebody no, you 284 00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:21,040 Speaker 1: don't want to do something, or yes, you do want 285 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,960 Speaker 1: to do something. We do leave that part out. We 286 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,199 Speaker 1: teach people how to say no all the time, we 287 00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:27,320 Speaker 1: don't really teach them how to say yes around their 288 00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:31,560 Speaker 1: physical empowerment and enjoyment, especially when they're adolescents. I think 289 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:34,120 Speaker 1: this goes back to your earlier statement though, and even 290 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,600 Speaker 1: our first conversation with you here on the podcast about 291 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:39,639 Speaker 1: sexual shame, right, because I don't know that as a 292 00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:43,080 Speaker 1: parent you can have that conversation with your kids if 293 00:17:43,119 --> 00:17:44,639 Speaker 1: you have not done some of the work of like 294 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:49,480 Speaker 1: releasing your own sexual shame agreed. Agreed well, And I 295 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:54,199 Speaker 1: will contend that some parents that I've seen say, I 296 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,040 Speaker 1: just don't want to do what my parents did to me. 297 00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:58,480 Speaker 1: So you woke up and you just found a book 298 00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:01,960 Speaker 1: on your bookshelf and it was like, okay, what is 299 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,359 Speaker 1: this about? Or they hated you a book was like 300 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:07,119 Speaker 1: come to me if you have any questions. You're like, 301 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:10,320 Speaker 1: I'm not coming to talk to you. This is strange 302 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:14,159 Speaker 1: because they were also really uncomfortable. So I've seen parents 303 00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:16,000 Speaker 1: to say like I wanted I want to do differently 304 00:18:16,119 --> 00:18:19,200 Speaker 1: for my child and figuring out what that looks like. 305 00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:22,560 Speaker 1: And that also might be saying we have an askable adult, right, 306 00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:26,479 Speaker 1: Like I'm a t T to my lying sisters kids, right, 307 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:29,160 Speaker 1: so those are my lying nieces and my lying nephews, 308 00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:30,760 Speaker 1: and so I've had line nieces come to me and 309 00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:33,560 Speaker 1: be like, hey, you, so what's going on? I need 310 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:37,880 Speaker 1: some help? T lex what do we do? And I 311 00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:39,879 Speaker 1: am and I'm like, hey, your kid wants to have 312 00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:42,040 Speaker 1: a conversation with me? Is this okay with you? So 313 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,880 Speaker 1: I check in with consent, not necessarily about the topic, 314 00:18:45,359 --> 00:18:47,800 Speaker 1: but saying can I be that askable person and are 315 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:51,640 Speaker 1: you comfortable with that? And they're like, yes, I'm okay. 316 00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:53,760 Speaker 1: And I told the same thing to the team, like, hey, 317 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:55,119 Speaker 1: I'm gonna talk to your mom to make sure it's 318 00:18:55,119 --> 00:18:57,600 Speaker 1: okay you talk to me, and then we can put 319 00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:00,239 Speaker 1: some boundaries around it. I love the concept of an 320 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:05,719 Speaker 1: askable adult and that we trust yeah, because it feels like, okay, 321 00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:08,240 Speaker 1: even if maybe I haven't done my own work to 322 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:11,399 Speaker 1: be comfortable with this conversation, if there isn't untie or 323 00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:14,720 Speaker 1: somebody who they can have this conversation within the conversation 324 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:18,639 Speaker 1: still happens exactly exactly. I've not yet met a parent 325 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,919 Speaker 1: that was like if I feel safe with this adult 326 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:24,040 Speaker 1: to help me parents these kids and be like nah, right. 327 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:26,600 Speaker 1: It's different if it's some random stranger that you don't 328 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:28,919 Speaker 1: know or who you're just getting to know. But if 329 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:31,199 Speaker 1: it's somebody you're super close with and you trust their 330 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:34,840 Speaker 1: opinion and you all have like values and you're like, okay, 331 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,600 Speaker 1: person is knowledgeable about this, I trust them. I want 332 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:39,639 Speaker 1: my kid to have help. I want my kid to 333 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:42,800 Speaker 1: have support. Then we're building those communities and so making 334 00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:45,080 Speaker 1: sure you have somebody who is sex positive in your 335 00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:47,960 Speaker 1: community can be integral. So when these kids see what 336 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,960 Speaker 1: because it's gonna happen, right, and the internet is everywhere. 337 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:54,680 Speaker 1: Kids are way more savvy and deleting cookies nowadays when 338 00:19:54,720 --> 00:20:00,440 Speaker 1: we were and deleting browser history, so and so they're 339 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,000 Speaker 1: gonna see it and it will be like, I noticed 340 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:04,520 Speaker 1: you were interested in this, What were you interested in 341 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:08,280 Speaker 1: the MMMM? So making it a conversation as again opposed 342 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:12,200 Speaker 1: to shaming, right and say like I'm not really comfortable 343 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:15,480 Speaker 1: with you consuming this type of adult content, So we 344 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,840 Speaker 1: can we talk about what was interesting and maybe find 345 00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:20,959 Speaker 1: like the information you were looking for yeah, and it 346 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,480 Speaker 1: also feels it also feels really interesting that people are 347 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,840 Speaker 1: reacting to this as this is the first time we 348 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:31,399 Speaker 1: have seen women clean their sexuality in a music video 349 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:34,080 Speaker 1: or in lyrics, right, Like, this comes from a long 350 00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:38,359 Speaker 1: history of other female rappers and women in music who 351 00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:40,840 Speaker 1: have done similar kinds of things. So why do you 352 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,879 Speaker 1: think the reaction has been so strong? Well, so, I 353 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:46,080 Speaker 1: think this is the first time it's been so in 354 00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:48,600 Speaker 1: your face. Right. I will tell you I got my 355 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:52,800 Speaker 1: life from that fountain and the entry video. The fountain 356 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:58,520 Speaker 1: was rather cool as our breastfeeding mom like exactly, thank you. 357 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:02,200 Speaker 1: Dr Joy told my other sexologist friends we were fighting 358 00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:04,840 Speaker 1: when we scrapping because I hadn't seen it and they 359 00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:07,520 Speaker 1: had started conversations. And you know, I have little ones. 360 00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:09,280 Speaker 1: I don't always get a chance to look at things 361 00:21:09,359 --> 00:21:11,639 Speaker 1: up to date. So let me go look at this video. 362 00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:13,320 Speaker 1: And I saw that fountain, and I was like, is 363 00:21:13,359 --> 00:21:17,280 Speaker 1: that from their nimbles? It is? And none of them 364 00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:22,480 Speaker 1: saw the breastfeeding or the nursing chesticles that I saw. 365 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:24,760 Speaker 1: They were like, I saw the hair, and I saw 366 00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:27,040 Speaker 1: the pose, and I thought about little Kim, and I 367 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:29,640 Speaker 1: was like, but you ain't see this nursing parent who 368 00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:34,000 Speaker 1: oftentimes feels touched out or maybe unwanted or uncertain about 369 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:37,840 Speaker 1: their bodies. And it's a celebration of yes, you can 370 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:40,520 Speaker 1: bust them wide open and still be a nursing parent 371 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,320 Speaker 1: and take advantage of those full and gorge boobs why 372 00:21:43,359 --> 00:21:48,160 Speaker 1: they're sitting up right, and enjoy some of that sexual 373 00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:51,480 Speaker 1: play too. So yes, thank you Dr Joy for confirming 374 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:54,520 Speaker 1: that for me, like the only one, I was like, 375 00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:58,520 Speaker 1: all right, I got you all, that's okay. Yeah, And 376 00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:01,080 Speaker 1: it definitely has felt like the glass has felt different. 377 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:04,280 Speaker 1: And I'm trying to remember like the last video we 378 00:22:04,359 --> 00:22:07,440 Speaker 1: had that might have like given us the same kind 379 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:10,880 Speaker 1: of reaction. I don't wasn't well, I don't remember. I'm 380 00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:13,119 Speaker 1: not the person for music and art because I remember 381 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:16,320 Speaker 1: tweet and I remember that I was not old enough 382 00:22:16,359 --> 00:22:18,920 Speaker 1: to be singing about tweets when when my neck in 383 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:21,919 Speaker 1: my back was out. Yeah, but I'm just remembering, you know, 384 00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:25,239 Speaker 1: growing up seeing freakingnack and here in Trina and here 385 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:30,240 Speaker 1: in low Cam and Foxy Brown and and seeing those 386 00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:32,800 Speaker 1: things right, and seeing those same things and here in 387 00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:36,040 Speaker 1: the same terms, and people have sung about sex as 388 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:39,760 Speaker 1: the beginning of time, right, like our mothers and grandmothers, 389 00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:43,520 Speaker 1: like they all had similar content in terms of lyric. Now, 390 00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:47,840 Speaker 1: it may not have been as descriptive or like as pointed, 391 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,600 Speaker 1: but everybody has been singing about sex for a very 392 00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:52,920 Speaker 1: long time, for a very long time, right, And and 393 00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:55,399 Speaker 1: that's the other part of that. It is liberating to 394 00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:57,720 Speaker 1: be like I can just say this out loud. And 395 00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:00,560 Speaker 1: that's part of our sex therapy model, right, first step 396 00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:03,480 Speaker 1: in our sex every model is permission giving. Right, it's 397 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:06,000 Speaker 1: saying I give you permission to talk about these things. 398 00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:08,600 Speaker 1: I give you permission to save them out loud. I 399 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:11,000 Speaker 1: typically take that a step further and use it also 400 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,399 Speaker 1: for consent, like do you have need permission to talk 401 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:17,800 Speaker 1: about this with you? And ensuring that that conversation is 402 00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:20,480 Speaker 1: safe for everybody in the room, and also giving people 403 00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:23,520 Speaker 1: permission to pass, like if it's too uncomfortable, we don't 404 00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:27,040 Speaker 1: have to talk about it. But we don't see black 405 00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:31,119 Speaker 1: women wrappers get held up in the same light when 406 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:34,000 Speaker 1: we see black male rappers talking about the same thing. Right, 407 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:38,560 Speaker 1: the black male rappers have talked about sex and how 408 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,720 Speaker 1: many people they want to run through, and how they 409 00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:42,960 Speaker 1: like their sex and how they want a sex kitten 410 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:47,960 Speaker 1: in a video fixing and how they hit it from behind, etcetera, etcetera, 411 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,879 Speaker 1: and don't get the same scrutiny. They don't get the 412 00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:53,440 Speaker 1: same scrutiny. And yet when a woman talks about her 413 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:58,600 Speaker 1: own body part and how it functions, she's now all 414 00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:03,080 Speaker 1: of a sudden the home and uncouth. Right, the discrepancy 415 00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:06,800 Speaker 1: feels very joyring to me. Right, like when male rappers 416 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:10,480 Speaker 1: release the same kinds of songs. There is very little 417 00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:13,679 Speaker 1: to know criticism of these kinds of things, but it 418 00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:16,320 Speaker 1: feels like people really are reacting to the fact that 419 00:24:16,359 --> 00:24:19,919 Speaker 1: these women have demonstrated their agency to talk about what 420 00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:22,560 Speaker 1: brings them pleasure, and that it's okay for us to 421 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:25,159 Speaker 1: talk about these things as women because we don't hear 422 00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:28,240 Speaker 1: about the black book, which is a male sexual stereotype 423 00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:30,879 Speaker 1: for black men. Right, that he always wants sex, that 424 00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:35,040 Speaker 1: his appetite is instatiable, that he has a super large, 425 00:24:35,119 --> 00:24:38,399 Speaker 1: superhuman penis and is able to just have as much 426 00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:40,880 Speaker 1: sex as he wants for as long as he wants. Right, 427 00:24:41,119 --> 00:24:44,040 Speaker 1: and even saying those things out loud, quote unquote, They're 428 00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:46,719 Speaker 1: not supposed to be horrible for men, right. Men are 429 00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:50,480 Speaker 1: supposed to function like that when we think about toxic masculinity, 430 00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:54,360 Speaker 1: anything outside of that narrative is supposed to be non masculine. 431 00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:57,640 Speaker 1: And it's that embracing of this hyper masculinity and it's 432 00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:02,600 Speaker 1: toxic masculinity that I also think reflects back on like wait, 433 00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:05,959 Speaker 1: what you're trying to be in power sexually? Na, Now 434 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:08,800 Speaker 1: I'm not cool with that because now it feels threatening. 435 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:11,280 Speaker 1: So it's I want to sex kitten. And I think 436 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,639 Speaker 1: I put this in a meme. I want a sex kitten. 437 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:17,160 Speaker 1: I want somebody who's gonna do sex tricks and women 438 00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,840 Speaker 1: are like, wow, I'm putting on you, and then dudes 439 00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:24,760 Speaker 1: are like no, not like that. You are house? How good? 440 00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:27,800 Speaker 1: How does it come together? I do want to hear 441 00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:30,840 Speaker 1: more about that than your thoughts about that, Like if 442 00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:36,480 Speaker 1: people are just not recognizing how contradictory those messages are, right, 443 00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:38,240 Speaker 1: like that, it's okay for you to do all these 444 00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:40,440 Speaker 1: things if I say that you do them, or if 445 00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:43,239 Speaker 1: I encourage you to do them, but if you initiate it, 446 00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:45,600 Speaker 1: then it's a problem. And I think that comes from 447 00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:48,800 Speaker 1: that power piece, right, It's I have power over you, 448 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:52,920 Speaker 1: or I have influence over your I can own part 449 00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:55,080 Speaker 1: of this narrative. Well, I'm the one who made her 450 00:25:55,119 --> 00:25:58,200 Speaker 1: that way, right. T Paine says, Now, she liked pain, 451 00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:01,159 Speaker 1: right because he taught her how to do it. And 452 00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:04,240 Speaker 1: so there's a prowess there that adds to that ego. 453 00:26:05,119 --> 00:26:09,160 Speaker 1: But it's not necessarily there's to own. It's the own 454 00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:12,080 Speaker 1: individual persons to own. And I think we get that 455 00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:16,680 Speaker 1: in sexuality. In my own study, black women um having sex, 456 00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:20,040 Speaker 1: and this was about fantasies, but most of the black 457 00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:23,600 Speaker 1: women in that study believed that during sex there was 458 00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:29,360 Speaker 1: a power exchange. There's an exchange of power during that intimacy. 459 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:31,879 Speaker 1: And this is that two and fifty women just about 460 00:26:32,119 --> 00:26:36,119 Speaker 1: So there was an exchange of power that happened during 461 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:41,679 Speaker 1: this sexual exchange and intercourse and they believe that. And 462 00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:44,040 Speaker 1: so if they believe that, right and there with another 463 00:26:44,119 --> 00:26:47,240 Speaker 1: person who believes that, then it's yeah, now I have 464 00:26:47,359 --> 00:26:49,879 Speaker 1: some type of power. Now I'm part of your narrative. 465 00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:53,040 Speaker 1: Now I'm part of your story, and you are because 466 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:57,199 Speaker 1: of me. M So we know that when women become 467 00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:00,520 Speaker 1: more liberated, that least to liberation for every body. So 468 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,640 Speaker 1: it does feel like people are working against their best 469 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:07,920 Speaker 1: interests in working against women being more sexually liberated. Yes, 470 00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:11,280 Speaker 1: that sexual liberation of saying I'm owning my body, I'm 471 00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:15,800 Speaker 1: owning my pleasure and I am wet for this, and 472 00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:19,159 Speaker 1: you'd be like, no, I don't want that. That may 473 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:22,399 Speaker 1: sounds so ridiculous, It sounds so ridiculous, But how do 474 00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:25,200 Speaker 1: you think that then maybe does help men to even 475 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:28,560 Speaker 1: feel more comfortable with their own liberation. I think it 476 00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:31,800 Speaker 1: also gives remember that permission piece I was talking about, 477 00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:35,119 Speaker 1: It gives them permission to to say, I don't have 478 00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:38,520 Speaker 1: the mind read. Do you like this? Do you like that? 479 00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:41,639 Speaker 1: I'm gonna try this? Right, it's this this kind of 480 00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:47,240 Speaker 1: figuring out of this really neat, beautiful puzzle and taxing. 481 00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:50,560 Speaker 1: And one thing, if you're a woman who is sleeping 482 00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:54,399 Speaker 1: with men, the penis doesn't like pressure. It does not 483 00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:58,200 Speaker 1: like pressure. It's something that's just like it was really 484 00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:04,800 Speaker 1: hard and stress really do affect penile performance. So tell 485 00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:09,480 Speaker 1: me what you like, show me what you like, and auzzle. 486 00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:16,440 Speaker 1: Typically they gets arousal. So the sounds, what noise, the 487 00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:21,720 Speaker 1: what what was the song? The macaronian cheese sound? Right, 488 00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:25,280 Speaker 1: those things that say I'm ready for you and want 489 00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:29,720 Speaker 1: you can be such a turn on that it could 490 00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:32,679 Speaker 1: be get more arousal and saying like, oh, I know 491 00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:38,000 Speaker 1: exactly how to please this person. I know exactly what 492 00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:41,560 Speaker 1: this vaginal canal. Once I know exactly what this clearest ones, 493 00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:44,560 Speaker 1: I know exactly what whatever these nipples, these toes, this elbow, 494 00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:47,080 Speaker 1: the back of the neck, whatever it is, I know 495 00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:53,000 Speaker 1: what it wants. And that helps my own sexual self esteem. 496 00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:56,240 Speaker 1: And so you can give that gift through your own 497 00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:59,960 Speaker 1: self exploration to your lover. You can give that gift 498 00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:03,040 Speaker 1: of enhancing their sexual self esteem because they listen to 499 00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:06,840 Speaker 1: exactly what you needed. We're able to help you facilitate pleasure. 500 00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:10,040 Speaker 1: So what do you think we can start to kind 501 00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:12,000 Speaker 1: of break down on some of that Dr Lix, like, 502 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,760 Speaker 1: how can we help people to to kind of get 503 00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:18,200 Speaker 1: out of that contradiction? So I think one is starting 504 00:29:18,200 --> 00:29:21,160 Speaker 1: with some of these conversations, right, So listening to this podcast, 505 00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:28,720 Speaker 1: listening to sex positive folks, hearing out all sorts of perspectives, right, 506 00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:31,160 Speaker 1: because again, we live in America, so most of our 507 00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:34,520 Speaker 1: perspectives come from America, but looking outside of ourselves. I 508 00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:38,360 Speaker 1: have a book called Like the African Reader about sexuality 509 00:29:39,080 --> 00:29:42,920 Speaker 1: from various parts of Africa that helped me, like oh look, 510 00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:47,120 Speaker 1: other people have sung and talked about hyman's and vaginas. 511 00:29:47,520 --> 00:29:51,040 Speaker 1: Look at that, and there's power in that. So starting 512 00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:55,280 Speaker 1: to explore some of our understandings, the other one pleasure 513 00:29:55,320 --> 00:29:58,720 Speaker 1: activism and the great book, and then the Body is 514 00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:01,640 Speaker 1: Not an Apology is a great book because we do 515 00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:05,120 Speaker 1: have to externalize, like, hey, this is how you've been 516 00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:08,360 Speaker 1: taught to see yourself. What do you actually believe about 517 00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:10,920 Speaker 1: yourself and the skin that you're in and the body 518 00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:15,840 Speaker 1: that you have that's outside of everybody else's opinions and constraints. 519 00:30:16,200 --> 00:30:19,600 Speaker 1: Then you start to explore your pleasure. Do you actually 520 00:30:19,640 --> 00:30:22,960 Speaker 1: like when your lover snacks your butt like that or 521 00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:25,720 Speaker 1: is it fun for them? Do you want to be 522 00:30:25,880 --> 00:30:28,520 Speaker 1: I don't know, choked, or do you want your toe sucked? 523 00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:30,680 Speaker 1: Or do you want the back of your knee licked 524 00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:33,000 Speaker 1: at the right place, I don't know, whatever it is, 525 00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:37,440 Speaker 1: explore for yourself what really feels good for you, and 526 00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:40,080 Speaker 1: then being able to voice some of that which has 527 00:30:40,120 --> 00:30:43,480 Speaker 1: statistically been found better to happen in I would say 528 00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:47,800 Speaker 1: perimenoposel and post menopole women. So there's dr joy, a 529 00:30:47,880 --> 00:30:54,640 Speaker 1: level of cares that you no longer give right after 530 00:30:54,680 --> 00:30:58,200 Speaker 1: a certain point, you're able to verbalize like coinfidence, I 531 00:30:58,240 --> 00:31:01,080 Speaker 1: don't like that, do it this way, And there's some 532 00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:05,200 Speaker 1: relief in also not being fearful of like getting pregnant, 533 00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:08,640 Speaker 1: things like that. But there is a level that comes 534 00:31:08,680 --> 00:31:12,800 Speaker 1: with comfortability with your body at that point. For a 535 00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:17,000 Speaker 1: lot of women identify folks before that, so before your 536 00:31:17,040 --> 00:31:20,160 Speaker 1: mid to late forties, folks, Babe, I really don't like that. 537 00:31:20,200 --> 00:31:23,040 Speaker 1: Can we try in a different way? Or it really 538 00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:28,040 Speaker 1: turns me on when I'm really into if please keep 539 00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:30,720 Speaker 1: doing that? It feels so good, right, So, having some 540 00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:35,880 Speaker 1: of that scripted language to encourage and also center your 541 00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:38,800 Speaker 1: own pleasure during this time. It is not your lover's 542 00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:41,920 Speaker 1: job to give you pleasure. It's your job to help 543 00:31:42,040 --> 00:31:45,640 Speaker 1: your lover facilitate pleasure for yourself and vice versa. You know, 544 00:31:45,720 --> 00:31:48,080 Speaker 1: dor Lex listening to you talk about their study that 545 00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:51,520 Speaker 1: talks about like post menoposal. It feels like a part 546 00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:54,320 Speaker 1: of what Bob does is give people a language for 547 00:31:54,440 --> 00:31:57,479 Speaker 1: like censoring their own pleasure that you can start asking 548 00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:01,880 Speaker 1: for that even earlier in your life. Please please ask 549 00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:04,880 Speaker 1: for that even earlier in your life. Yes, yes, it 550 00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:08,560 Speaker 1: can be celebratory to write not something that's just so 551 00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:10,960 Speaker 1: hidden in so away. And when we're talking about what, 552 00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:13,360 Speaker 1: I also want to just plug that it doesn't matter 553 00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:15,240 Speaker 1: how you get a what. Right. So, if it is 554 00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:18,959 Speaker 1: a natural occurring lubrication, if it is an added lubrication 555 00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:21,640 Speaker 1: that is water based or silicon based, do not use 556 00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:24,680 Speaker 1: silicon based. If you're going to use a silicon toy, right, 557 00:32:25,560 --> 00:32:28,720 Speaker 1: enjoy that. People who are nursing, you need to automatically 558 00:32:28,840 --> 00:32:31,760 Speaker 1: add a lubricant. It does not make you any less 559 00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:34,200 Speaker 1: than if you're using a lubricant. It just makes everything 560 00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:38,160 Speaker 1: feel better. And I can say I had a over 561 00:32:38,320 --> 00:32:42,400 Speaker 1: seventy five year old client who said that they had 562 00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:47,360 Speaker 1: great lubrication and yet they still had some burning when 563 00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:50,080 Speaker 1: there was some digital penetration. And I was like, that 564 00:32:50,120 --> 00:32:52,200 Speaker 1: means there's not a lot of lubrication. You need more 565 00:32:52,240 --> 00:32:55,840 Speaker 1: about that, and she was like oh, And so I 566 00:32:55,920 --> 00:32:59,760 Speaker 1: sent them some some lubricant samples and I got a 567 00:32:59,800 --> 00:33:03,360 Speaker 1: call all back from the partner and from the client 568 00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:05,440 Speaker 1: and they were like, hey, can we buy more of 569 00:33:05,480 --> 00:33:10,480 Speaker 1: this front And I was like, I'm happy to see 570 00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:14,040 Speaker 1: to this website to get more of it. Eight. So 571 00:33:14,280 --> 00:33:17,240 Speaker 1: it's that permission started off younger and for my own 572 00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:20,320 Speaker 1: kids about both my kids are bolba owners and I 573 00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:23,600 Speaker 1: want to have pleasure with their bodies again learning through 574 00:33:23,600 --> 00:33:26,040 Speaker 1: wisdom and not through pain. So I want to make 575 00:33:26,080 --> 00:33:28,480 Speaker 1: sure like, hey, you know what, if it doesn't feel good, 576 00:33:28,640 --> 00:33:30,920 Speaker 1: you say stop, or I want you to be careful 577 00:33:30,920 --> 00:33:32,560 Speaker 1: with your own body. So this is why you wash 578 00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:35,640 Speaker 1: your hands before you touch your boba's and we don't 579 00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:38,280 Speaker 1: stick like random things in our boba's. Right, all of 580 00:33:38,280 --> 00:33:41,120 Speaker 1: this type of stuff are important to talk about what 581 00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:44,479 Speaker 1: feels good in our bodies. And this pleasure doesn't necessarily 582 00:33:44,520 --> 00:33:47,640 Speaker 1: always have to be sexual either. As as Bob is right, 583 00:33:47,680 --> 00:33:51,480 Speaker 1: there's also pleasure from that empowerment. I can be on 584 00:33:51,560 --> 00:33:53,640 Speaker 1: top and I can own this and say I'm gonna 585 00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:56,960 Speaker 1: say my own name right because I own this, and 586 00:33:57,000 --> 00:33:59,160 Speaker 1: I'm a spell it for you because I'm that good, 587 00:33:59,600 --> 00:34:02,960 Speaker 1: and that can be empowering and uplifting as well. Yeah, 588 00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:05,160 Speaker 1: you know the other thing that I think you know 589 00:34:05,800 --> 00:34:08,480 Speaker 1: it's important to think about in terms of this conversation, 590 00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:12,760 Speaker 1: Dr Lex, is that it feels like women feeling empowered 591 00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:16,840 Speaker 1: about their sexuality doesn't really just stop like in the bedroom, 592 00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:20,759 Speaker 1: because it feels like there is this part of like 593 00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:23,880 Speaker 1: specifically with Meg right. You know, we know that she 594 00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:28,120 Speaker 1: was recently shot, and there was of course again conversation 595 00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:30,640 Speaker 1: about like how people were not taking it seriously and 596 00:34:30,680 --> 00:34:33,239 Speaker 1: like all the jokes and memes about it. And it 597 00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:36,000 Speaker 1: feels like a part of why it was not taking 598 00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:39,160 Speaker 1: this seriously is because she is so sexy, right, so 599 00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:42,640 Speaker 1: she is not seeing as this like helpless woman, you know, 600 00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:44,480 Speaker 1: that kind of thing, and so it feels like there 601 00:34:44,600 --> 00:34:47,719 Speaker 1: is like a convulsion of those worlds and that her 602 00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:51,319 Speaker 1: sexuality has also made her view people as somebody, um 603 00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:54,520 Speaker 1: that it was okay to like joke about her being harmed. Mh. 604 00:34:55,640 --> 00:34:58,640 Speaker 1: So those are those respectability politics coming in again. Right, 605 00:34:58,960 --> 00:35:04,640 Speaker 1: You're not worthy of decent human empathy from somebody harming you, right, 606 00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:09,560 Speaker 1: So this was violent, right, And she's lucky she survived 607 00:35:09,680 --> 00:35:12,399 Speaker 1: because if it would have been anywhere else in her body, 608 00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:16,000 Speaker 1: or if she would have been majorly injured, then everybody 609 00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:19,520 Speaker 1: would be like, oh my gosh, r I p right 610 00:35:19,800 --> 00:35:23,080 Speaker 1: and playing albums and dedication songs. And we have to 611 00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:26,799 Speaker 1: realize that happens to real folks in everyday life all 612 00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:30,040 Speaker 1: the time, all the time. And then specifically, I will 613 00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:34,680 Speaker 1: definitely say specifically for black trans women too. They are 614 00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:40,840 Speaker 1: killed for existing because it challenges this power dynamic that 615 00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:45,400 Speaker 1: men find it threatening. So men find their attraction threatening. 616 00:35:45,920 --> 00:35:49,720 Speaker 1: And it's similar here saying that oh, you're too sexy 617 00:35:49,800 --> 00:35:52,279 Speaker 1: or you're too much, and that threatens this idea of 618 00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:55,560 Speaker 1: my masculinity because now I'm not the sexually dominant one. 619 00:35:56,040 --> 00:35:59,399 Speaker 1: That's really problematic and really scary that people would be like, oh, 620 00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:01,759 Speaker 1: this is so money. And I saw something about that, 621 00:36:01,840 --> 00:36:05,359 Speaker 1: like the no I read about it, the meme from 622 00:36:05,400 --> 00:36:08,960 Speaker 1: Boys in the Hood, orme from What's the show where 623 00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:11,880 Speaker 1: the reesk got shot in a big tale that Harlem 624 00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:17,680 Speaker 1: nights there we go, right, so it's funny and beyonest, 625 00:36:17,719 --> 00:36:19,680 Speaker 1: I got bit in the face by another woman and 626 00:36:19,719 --> 00:36:23,120 Speaker 1: everybody want to be an uproar m. And I was like, there, 627 00:36:23,160 --> 00:36:25,200 Speaker 1: there is no difference, Like a human is a human 628 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,360 Speaker 1: right and she's just still deserves the same respect whether 629 00:36:28,400 --> 00:36:30,959 Speaker 1: she's busting it open or not. You know. The other 630 00:36:31,040 --> 00:36:33,360 Speaker 1: thing that I thought was really cool about the video 631 00:36:33,680 --> 00:36:36,440 Speaker 1: was that they brought other women in, right, So it 632 00:36:36,719 --> 00:36:40,120 Speaker 1: also felt like this like celebration, like this sisterhood of 633 00:36:40,200 --> 00:36:42,120 Speaker 1: sexuality right, like that we are not only going to 634 00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:44,480 Speaker 1: talk about our own, but we're gonna also invite other 635 00:36:44,480 --> 00:36:46,840 Speaker 1: people to talk about theirs, or at least share a 636 00:36:46,880 --> 00:36:51,080 Speaker 1: piece of theirs. Yes, yes, I did that. I love 637 00:36:51,200 --> 00:36:53,840 Speaker 1: that it can be again and there's no shame in 638 00:36:53,880 --> 00:36:57,399 Speaker 1: our game. And we're not the only ones. Look at 639 00:36:57,440 --> 00:36:59,520 Speaker 1: all of us. All of us have some form of 640 00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:02,280 Speaker 1: sex scene that's our own that we can all own. 641 00:37:02,920 --> 00:37:05,640 Speaker 1: And I think that it was so empowering. It reminded 642 00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:08,640 Speaker 1: me of what was that song, Ladies Night, Ladies Night, yea, 643 00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:12,960 Speaker 1: all these cameos the party to like, I don't want 644 00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:14,560 Speaker 1: to know what the mansion now. I have no idea 645 00:37:14,560 --> 00:37:17,920 Speaker 1: what my room will look like, but it can't be 646 00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:22,759 Speaker 1: that cheetah room but that one, right, And so I 647 00:37:22,840 --> 00:37:26,000 Speaker 1: was like, this is so cool. Everybody had their own 648 00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:28,400 Speaker 1: space and I think that was metaphor you all have 649 00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:32,319 Speaker 1: your own space the create exactly who you want to be. 650 00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:36,480 Speaker 1: M hmmm. And then one person sexuality doesn't hand to 651 00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:40,960 Speaker 1: like compromise or be in competition with yours exactly because 652 00:37:40,960 --> 00:37:45,000 Speaker 1: it's abundant. Yeah, we're coming from abundance. Her level of 653 00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:48,240 Speaker 1: sexy doesn't take away from your level of sexy, right right, 654 00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:50,680 Speaker 1: what she does, And I think we've been taught that, right, 655 00:37:51,040 --> 00:37:54,279 Speaker 1: what's that saying? Anything you won't do another woman will 656 00:37:54,560 --> 00:38:01,520 Speaker 1: yes to hang on to some trifling person. Just why 657 00:38:01,520 --> 00:38:04,080 Speaker 1: why do you want him? If he wants her sex? 658 00:38:04,160 --> 00:38:07,000 Speaker 1: And maybe I'm open to it, and like he can 659 00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:09,440 Speaker 1: have her sex and he can have my sex, or 660 00:38:09,520 --> 00:38:13,800 Speaker 1: she can go have his sex. Like whatever we're not from, 661 00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:16,680 Speaker 1: we're not from scarcely, We're from abundance. This person isn't 662 00:38:16,680 --> 00:38:19,600 Speaker 1: a threat to you. And if you all decide like 663 00:38:19,680 --> 00:38:21,640 Speaker 1: these are your boundaries that you're not with other people, 664 00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:24,480 Speaker 1: maybe you can learn something new that you might enjoy, 665 00:38:24,680 --> 00:38:27,720 Speaker 1: or you all can figure that out together. But whatever 666 00:38:27,760 --> 00:38:29,919 Speaker 1: one person does doesn't take away from your own because 667 00:38:29,920 --> 00:38:33,279 Speaker 1: everybody has their own light. Yeah, So that Alex, I 668 00:38:33,320 --> 00:38:35,160 Speaker 1: knew that you were gonna be up on this video 669 00:38:35,200 --> 00:38:37,840 Speaker 1: because this is kind of in line with you know, 670 00:38:37,920 --> 00:38:40,080 Speaker 1: what you do and how you work with clients, right, 671 00:38:40,120 --> 00:38:41,600 Speaker 1: And I think that that's an important part of the 672 00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:47,480 Speaker 1: conversation too. It's just as therapists, how like this kind 673 00:38:47,480 --> 00:38:49,920 Speaker 1: of information can be helpful with our clients. So I 674 00:38:49,960 --> 00:38:52,680 Speaker 1: know you have already started using this in your clinical work, right, 675 00:38:53,719 --> 00:38:57,080 Speaker 1: I have I have I have a client who is 676 00:38:57,160 --> 00:39:00,560 Speaker 1: just so empowered and who like listened to Foxy round 677 00:39:00,600 --> 00:39:04,880 Speaker 1: and look him and loved it and then had never 678 00:39:04,920 --> 00:39:09,400 Speaker 1: seen of the video bring sack nostileg thats with honey 679 00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:15,880 Speaker 1: Berry and the fact that Baps were We're not necessarily 680 00:39:15,960 --> 00:39:19,160 Speaker 1: about these respectability politics and adopting all of them. It 681 00:39:19,200 --> 00:39:22,480 Speaker 1: was We're gonna be who we are and that's good 682 00:39:22,600 --> 00:39:25,560 Speaker 1: enough for whatever socio economic class we're in and whatever 683 00:39:25,680 --> 00:39:28,040 Speaker 1: world we're in. And I was like, you gotta go 684 00:39:28,080 --> 00:39:31,799 Speaker 1: watch Bats talking about some self acceptance and that was 685 00:39:31,840 --> 00:39:34,400 Speaker 1: her homework. I was like, go watch Bats. You love 686 00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:37,239 Speaker 1: this video. I need you to have some context. Go 687 00:39:37,360 --> 00:39:40,319 Speaker 1: watch Bass and Baps was about these two black chicks 688 00:39:40,320 --> 00:39:41,920 Speaker 1: from the hood. All they wanted to do was like 689 00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:44,080 Speaker 1: one wanted to be a dancer and a heavy d 690 00:39:44,239 --> 00:39:47,520 Speaker 1: video and that was her life goal. And they left 691 00:39:47,560 --> 00:39:49,800 Speaker 1: the men that they were with for not feeling accepted 692 00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:52,319 Speaker 1: and encouraged and a whole bunch of other stuff. If 693 00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:54,440 Speaker 1: you haven't gotten to see Bas, go watch Bats, y'all, 694 00:39:55,440 --> 00:39:58,160 Speaker 1: simon for this week. I don't know what I'm in fun. 695 00:39:58,239 --> 00:40:00,680 Speaker 1: It's probably on like a Who Do or Netflix something 696 00:40:00,680 --> 00:40:05,640 Speaker 1: that would It's probably on YouTube at the point at 697 00:40:05,680 --> 00:40:08,840 Speaker 1: the very good point, but yeah, just learning more and 698 00:40:08,880 --> 00:40:11,680 Speaker 1: again it's all about that self acceptance. I think that 699 00:40:11,760 --> 00:40:16,600 Speaker 1: really is key of giving yourself permission to exist, to 700 00:40:16,760 --> 00:40:21,560 Speaker 1: breathe without the spear of this biblical Jezebel, without the 701 00:40:21,719 --> 00:40:25,560 Speaker 1: fear of being rejected based on your sexuality, because if 702 00:40:25,560 --> 00:40:28,279 Speaker 1: a person rejects you, then that's not the person for you. 703 00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:30,799 Speaker 1: It's not the person you're meant to be with. You know. 704 00:40:30,880 --> 00:40:33,360 Speaker 1: Something else that has really heartened me just kind of 705 00:40:33,400 --> 00:40:36,560 Speaker 1: following like the Twitter threads, is that it feels like 706 00:40:36,719 --> 00:40:40,399 Speaker 1: so both Halle Berry and Viola Davis were like photoshopts 707 00:40:40,440 --> 00:40:43,239 Speaker 1: into different parts of the video and they both have 708 00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:48,680 Speaker 1: like retweeted they're like photo shops, stop it, I love it, 709 00:40:49,000 --> 00:40:52,160 Speaker 1: which which feels really empowering to me. I think in 710 00:40:52,200 --> 00:40:54,920 Speaker 1: that it is you know, like this older generation of 711 00:40:54,960 --> 00:40:57,600 Speaker 1: women kind of like saying like yes, we like co 712 00:40:57,800 --> 00:41:01,720 Speaker 1: signed right, so we are all still rejecting these respectability 713 00:41:01,800 --> 00:41:04,920 Speaker 1: politics that you know, like we can't also be sexy, 714 00:41:05,280 --> 00:41:09,279 Speaker 1: yes exactly, And especially for Viola Davis, right, being a 715 00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:15,000 Speaker 1: darker skinned in with kiki hair, and like Viola Davis's 716 00:41:15,040 --> 00:41:19,560 Speaker 1: arms are amazing and a muscular build right, yes, yes, yeah, 717 00:41:19,760 --> 00:41:21,920 Speaker 1: I could definitely be in this video and only not. 718 00:41:22,160 --> 00:41:28,560 Speaker 1: I appreciate that very very hardening. I really appreciated her 719 00:41:28,600 --> 00:41:32,440 Speaker 1: sharing her you know, like nonverbal co signing so to 720 00:41:32,480 --> 00:41:38,400 Speaker 1: speak with the video. Yeah, so, Dr Lex, tell people 721 00:41:38,400 --> 00:41:40,600 Speaker 1: where they can find you. I know you were recently here, 722 00:41:40,640 --> 00:41:43,680 Speaker 1: but maybe people miss your last episode. We will of 723 00:41:43,719 --> 00:41:46,640 Speaker 1: course include both of your previous appearances in the show notes, 724 00:41:46,680 --> 00:41:48,759 Speaker 1: but tell people where they can find you. You can 725 00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:52,200 Speaker 1: find me at lex Eli double x sex s e 726 00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:56,360 Speaker 1: X dot d oc dot com and you can subscribe 727 00:41:56,400 --> 00:41:59,640 Speaker 1: to my website for all of the following updates. You 728 00:41:59,680 --> 00:42:03,440 Speaker 1: can check out the new upcoming conflict resolution Couples of 729 00:42:03,440 --> 00:42:07,200 Speaker 1: course I have for the spark of virtual Brunch and 730 00:42:07,280 --> 00:42:09,640 Speaker 1: you'll get some one on one time with me about 731 00:42:09,760 --> 00:42:14,680 Speaker 1: ninety minutes with to talk about resolving conflict, showing up 732 00:42:14,719 --> 00:42:18,440 Speaker 1: how you really are. I know we're all trying to 733 00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:21,239 Speaker 1: be together as much as we can in the most 734 00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:24,520 Speaker 1: positive ways right now, and that's what that course really does. 735 00:42:24,680 --> 00:42:28,160 Speaker 1: And then Unlex sexed off across all social media platforms, 736 00:42:28,520 --> 00:42:31,680 Speaker 1: so that's Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Perfect and we'll add 737 00:42:31,719 --> 00:42:33,480 Speaker 1: that to the show notes as well. Thank you so 738 00:42:33,600 --> 00:42:39,319 Speaker 1: much like thank You. I'm so glad Dr Lex was 739 00:42:39,320 --> 00:42:41,960 Speaker 1: able to join us again this week. To learn more 740 00:42:41,960 --> 00:42:45,480 Speaker 1: about her practice, upcoming workshop, or to grab a copy 741 00:42:45,520 --> 00:42:48,120 Speaker 1: of her book, check out the show notes at Therapy 742 00:42:48,160 --> 00:42:52,480 Speaker 1: for Black Girls dot com slash Session one. Don't forget 743 00:42:52,520 --> 00:42:55,080 Speaker 1: to share your takeaways with us on social media using 744 00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:59,239 Speaker 1: the hashtag tv G in session, and please text two 745 00:42:59,280 --> 00:43:01,960 Speaker 1: sisters in your circle right now and encourage them to 746 00:43:02,040 --> 00:43:04,600 Speaker 1: check out the episode as well. If you're looking for 747 00:43:04,640 --> 00:43:07,279 Speaker 1: a therapist in your area, be sure to check out 748 00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:10,680 Speaker 1: our therapist directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com 749 00:43:10,760 --> 00:43:13,959 Speaker 1: slash directory. And if you want to continue digging into 750 00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:17,000 Speaker 1: this topic and connect with some other sisters in your area, 751 00:43:17,480 --> 00:43:19,920 Speaker 1: come on over and join us in the Yellow College Collective, 752 00:43:20,320 --> 00:43:22,480 Speaker 1: where we take a deeper dive into the topics from 753 00:43:22,520 --> 00:43:26,080 Speaker 1: the podcast and just about everything else. You can join 754 00:43:26,200 --> 00:43:28,759 Speaker 1: us at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash y 755 00:43:28,840 --> 00:43:31,480 Speaker 1: c C. Don't forget that. If you're looking for a 756 00:43:31,520 --> 00:43:34,440 Speaker 1: way to end summer on a high note, Cricket Wireless 757 00:43:34,440 --> 00:43:37,680 Speaker 1: has got just the thing. Get ready for unlimited smiles, 758 00:43:38,200 --> 00:43:42,080 Speaker 1: unlimited times. For give four lines of unlimited data for 759 00:43:42,160 --> 00:43:45,040 Speaker 1: a hundred dollars a month. Thank y'all so much for 760 00:43:45,120 --> 00:43:47,920 Speaker 1: joining me again this week. I look forward to continue 761 00:43:47,920 --> 00:43:51,319 Speaker 1: in this conversation with you all real soon. Take it care, 762 00:44:03,160 --> 00:44:07,280 Speaker 1: dint Candy the back Woods Wood