WEBVTT - Fighting 101 (Part 3) Dealing With A “Resentful Martyr” 0:00:02.190 --> 0:00:06.730 Hey there everybody happy saturday it is saturday august 29th 0:00:07.270 --> 0:00:11.000 and this is our third and final installment of our 0:00:11.100 --> 0:00:17.500 fighting 101 series and this is an interesting topic resentful 0:00:18.079 --> 0:00:22.840 martyrs do you have someone who is a resentful martyr 0:00:22.960 --> 0:00:24.300 in your life do you have any idea of what 0:00:24.340 --> 0:00:25.620 that might be babe. 0:00:26.360 --> 0:00:32.460 A resentful martyr. A martyr is one always thinking they're 0:00:33.000 --> 0:00:36.720 taking some kind of a sacrifice, resentful. So yes, someone 0:00:36.760 --> 0:00:42.060 who sacrifices and is pissed about it and lets you 0:00:42.100 --> 0:00:42.330 know it. 0:00:43.620 --> 0:00:44.360 You kind of nailed it. 0:00:44.400 --> 0:00:44.640 Yes. 0:00:45.420 --> 0:00:51.769 So psychiatrists say this is actually a subcategory of narcissism. 0:00:51.830 --> 0:00:54.350 This is basically a narcissist in disguise. 0:00:54.650 --> 0:00:58.290 Someone really hard You wouldn't necessarily think initially this person 0:00:58.690 --> 0:01:05.160 falls into that category, but they basically make grand gestures, 0:01:05.220 --> 0:01:10.060 like in performative sacrifice. Performative sacrifice. Yet all of that 0:01:10.600 --> 0:01:15.460 grand gesturing and performative self-sacrifice is actually self-serving. 0:01:15.540 --> 0:01:16.819 Are there examples of this you're going to have? 0:01:16.840 --> 0:01:17.080 Oh, yes. 0:01:17.120 --> 0:01:18.229 Okay, good. We're going to have to get to it. 0:01:18.240 --> 0:01:18.910 I think this is fun. 0:01:19.250 --> 0:01:20.110 Do you know one? 0:01:20.250 --> 0:01:21.059 I have known one, yes. Not now? 0:01:25.950 --> 0:01:29.069 Well, they're no longer in my life. It is not you. 0:01:29.130 --> 0:01:31.170 And I'm saying, I think we can say, like, well, 0:01:31.310 --> 0:01:33.330 I shouldn't assume, but I think we can have some 0:01:33.350 --> 0:01:35.330 fun with this one because, and we always can have 0:01:35.380 --> 0:01:38.059 fun with it, but I would never, this is not you. 0:01:38.240 --> 0:01:39.600 And I don't think this is me. 0:01:39.680 --> 0:01:41.040 You would have to tell me because I don't want 0:01:41.060 --> 0:01:43.679 to pretend to know how I'm perceived. 0:01:43.700 --> 0:01:44.820 Well, I don't want to start a fight, but it 0:01:44.840 --> 0:01:47.620 won't because I've learned how to handle all conflicts today. 0:01:48.330 --> 0:01:51.870 All right, so resentful martyrs do things for you whether 0:01:51.910 --> 0:01:55.720 you like it or not. They're not necessarily... loud or 0:01:55.780 --> 0:01:58.240 flashy or arrogant. So again, they're kind of hard to spot. 0:01:58.740 --> 0:02:02.290 They appear nice, helpful and giving, but their actions actually 0:02:02.330 --> 0:02:04.850 have nothing to do with you at all and everything 0:02:04.910 --> 0:02:09.239 to do with them as getting validation and attention. Um, 0:02:09.830 --> 0:02:13.030 their help is always on their terms, and sometimes it's 0:02:13.130 --> 0:02:16.410 even against what you've expressly said you don't want or 0:02:16.450 --> 0:02:19.870 you don't need. Like a surprise birthday party would. 0:02:19.510 --> 0:02:21.110 Be, for me, a clear example. 0:02:21.490 --> 0:02:23.910 Someone knows you don't like that, and they do it 0:02:23.970 --> 0:02:25.650 anyway to say, look what I just. 0:02:25.610 --> 0:02:26.370 Did for you. 0:02:27.450 --> 0:02:30.690 Bringing big gestures in front of lots of people so 0:02:30.730 --> 0:02:33.690 that everyone sees how great of a husband or a 0:02:33.710 --> 0:02:36.089 boyfriend or a wife or a friend you are, because 0:02:36.110 --> 0:02:36.990 look at me, look what. 0:02:36.930 --> 0:02:37.630 I'm doing for you. 0:02:38.410 --> 0:02:39.869 Yes, we've seen this play out before. 0:02:39.910 --> 0:02:40.910 This is all landed, right? 0:02:41.030 --> 0:02:41.290 Okay. 0:02:42.350 --> 0:02:44.560 Some of the signs are, yes, they do nice things 0:02:44.590 --> 0:02:47.960 for you, but strings are always attached. 0:02:47.980 --> 0:02:50.940 Like what? Okay. 0:02:51.440 --> 0:02:55.269 So it will be... They want something from you. They 0:02:55.330 --> 0:02:59.700 need something from you. Maybe you didn't even ask for 0:02:59.720 --> 0:03:01.360 it or they want it, but you know the act 0:03:01.400 --> 0:03:03.980 of kindness will somehow be used against you as a 0:03:04.020 --> 0:03:07.840 bargaining chip, emotional blackmail. And if you don't accept it 0:03:08.040 --> 0:03:10.780 or you object to it in any way, they will 0:03:11.100 --> 0:03:12.760 absolutely go bonkers on you. 0:03:13.020 --> 0:03:16.400 Oh, I was imagining a fight in which a spouse 0:03:16.460 --> 0:03:18.899 is saying, after all I did for you and I 0:03:18.919 --> 0:03:21.030 put together that party for you, And you're going to 0:03:21.050 --> 0:03:21.750 do this? Yes. 0:03:22.150 --> 0:03:25.250 That's exactly it. It's used as emotional blackmail later. 0:03:25.290 --> 0:03:28.350 Like they're almost putting it in their I'm an awesome 0:03:28.410 --> 0:03:31.190 person category to be used against you if you ever 0:03:31.230 --> 0:03:32.230 have a complaint about that. 0:03:32.250 --> 0:03:35.330 Yeah, they're collecting scores. They're building up the resume. 0:03:35.550 --> 0:03:35.790 Yes. 0:03:36.070 --> 0:03:36.290 All right. 0:03:36.340 --> 0:03:37.790 Here's some examples. You asked for examples. 0:03:37.810 --> 0:03:39.240 I got plenty. 0:03:39.300 --> 0:03:40.880 And this might land for a lot of folks. 0:03:41.920 --> 0:03:43.940 Women, this really feels like a female thing, and I 0:03:43.980 --> 0:03:46.740 have experienced this. They give you a bag of clothes 0:03:46.760 --> 0:03:47.820 that you have no use for. 0:03:47.840 --> 0:03:49.510 A bag of clothes? Like, here, I've. 0:03:49.450 --> 0:03:52.610 Got these clothes that no longer fit me. 0:03:52.630 --> 0:03:53.730 This is a girl thing. 0:03:53.970 --> 0:03:54.570 Oh, okay. I'm sorry. 0:03:54.650 --> 0:03:56.230 I didn't even want these clothes. And then if you 0:03:56.270 --> 0:03:58.690 don't wear them or you don't like them, they're offended. 0:03:59.350 --> 0:04:02.290 They prepare some food for you. Or they make some 0:04:02.590 --> 0:04:05.060 reservation at a place they know you don't like. And 0:04:05.120 --> 0:04:09.040 then you're expected to go anyway. Like, I don't like seafood. 0:04:09.460 --> 0:04:11.900 And they know you don't like seafood. And they take 0:04:11.940 --> 0:04:13.920 you to Joe's, you. 0:04:13.880 --> 0:04:15.100 Know, crab house. 0:04:15.740 --> 0:04:18.870 And you're like... And then they'd get really upset if 0:04:18.910 --> 0:04:23.289 you didn't want to do that. It's not about the act. 0:04:23.650 --> 0:04:27.510 It's about the expectations they place on the act. They... 0:04:27.870 --> 0:04:30.150 They want and are trying to get a reaction from 0:04:30.170 --> 0:04:32.589 you that will make them feel good. They do what 0:04:32.730 --> 0:04:36.250 they want to do, and then they expect you to 0:04:36.300 --> 0:04:40.000 react in a way that gives them pleasure. So it's 0:04:40.240 --> 0:04:43.200 a really massively manipulative. 0:04:42.560 --> 0:04:44.039 Way of going about your life. 0:04:44.760 --> 0:04:45.380 Sounds twisted. 0:04:46.140 --> 0:04:46.779 Exactly. 0:04:47.140 --> 0:04:49.520 And then they say, if you are unclear, like, hmm, 0:04:49.820 --> 0:04:52.060 do I know this person? I think this person might 0:04:52.100 --> 0:04:53.560 be doing these kinds of things to me. 0:04:54.020 --> 0:04:54.480 They say. 0:04:55.380 --> 0:04:58.440 You'll know it when you say no. When you finally say, no, 0:04:58.480 --> 0:05:01.520 thank you. No thanks on those clothes. No thanks on 0:05:01.560 --> 0:05:03.810 preparing a meal for me. I did not want to eat. 0:05:04.190 --> 0:05:07.490 No thanks to some vacation you planned to a destination. 0:05:07.690 --> 0:05:13.150 I don't want to go. They actually start resenting everyone 0:05:13.210 --> 0:05:16.090 who refuses to participate in what they want to do. 0:05:16.130 --> 0:05:16.969 They'll get angry. 0:05:17.350 --> 0:05:21.500 They'll tell you you're ungrateful and They'll tell you you're demanding, unkind, 0:05:21.630 --> 0:05:24.280 or mean. They may give you the silent treatment or 0:05:24.400 --> 0:05:27.400 one-word answers. They may mope and act like a victim. 0:05:28.220 --> 0:05:29.460 They may even tell you you. 0:05:29.380 --> 0:05:30.680 Don't appreciate them. 0:05:31.200 --> 0:05:34.020 But I do think that this is something that you 0:05:34.060 --> 0:05:37.150 can recognize on the receiving end. I wonder how many 0:05:37.210 --> 0:05:40.410 people who are on the other side of it actually 0:05:40.510 --> 0:05:41.670 know this is what they're doing. 0:05:42.970 --> 0:05:45.750 Who wants to admit that? Because everybody who's thinking of 0:05:45.810 --> 0:05:50.060 something that they've done right now As they're listening, it 0:05:50.080 --> 0:05:52.500 might be something they've done. They are probably, the next 0:05:52.520 --> 0:05:55.380 thing they're doing is justifying and saying, no, not me. 0:05:55.420 --> 0:05:56.940 That was really out of the goodness of my heart. 0:05:57.000 --> 0:06:00.940 I didn't want anything in return. Okay, it's okay to 0:06:01.080 --> 0:06:04.330 ask yourself a question. Nobody's, you're not the worst person 0:06:04.350 --> 0:06:04.690 in the world. 0:06:04.790 --> 0:06:07.010 Yes, and you know what? I think people get so scared. 0:06:07.130 --> 0:06:10.230 I worry when I see an article like this. Yes, 0:06:10.290 --> 0:06:14.029 you absolutely can recognize when it's happened to you or 0:06:14.070 --> 0:06:16.090 if someone in your life presents. 0:06:15.710 --> 0:06:19.690 These types of behaviors. But it's so hard to recognize 0:06:19.750 --> 0:06:20.570 it in ourselves. 0:06:20.790 --> 0:06:23.170 And I think the interesting thing is if you've had 0:06:23.210 --> 0:06:26.160 this relationship where you've been on the receiving end, you 0:06:26.200 --> 0:06:28.900 do then have to ask yourself when you're doing something 0:06:28.960 --> 0:06:32.140 kind for someone else, do you want credit? And then, yes, 0:06:32.260 --> 0:06:35.000 I have absolutely done that where you make a meal. 0:06:35.040 --> 0:06:36.620 You want someone to tell you, thank you. 0:06:36.640 --> 0:06:37.500 That was so good. 0:06:38.020 --> 0:06:41.050 You buy somebody a gift for Christmas. You want them 0:06:41.080 --> 0:06:42.990 to tell you what a great gift it was and 0:06:43.029 --> 0:06:45.550 how much they love it. That's all in all of us, 0:06:45.589 --> 0:06:47.849 I think, to a certain degree. And I'll fully cop 0:06:47.870 --> 0:06:50.050 to that. But do you take it to the next level? 0:06:50.070 --> 0:06:52.390 Do you hold it against them if they didn't react 0:06:52.430 --> 0:06:54.440 the way you wanted them to? Do you hold it 0:06:54.500 --> 0:06:58.109 against them if they didn't give you some sort of 0:06:58.610 --> 0:07:02.610 gratitude or compliment in return for your gesture. That is 0:07:02.650 --> 0:07:04.710 something we can all work on. I think we all 0:07:04.750 --> 0:07:06.730 might have, or some of us might have, a little 0:07:06.750 --> 0:07:08.810 bit of this in us. And then, of course, there's 0:07:08.850 --> 0:07:12.550 the extreme where, yes, you are given this label, resentful martyr. 0:07:12.590 --> 0:07:14.890 But I just thought this was interesting to recognize, but 0:07:14.980 --> 0:07:21.080 also to self-reflect in moments about your intentions behind doing 0:07:21.140 --> 0:07:21.760 kind things. 0:07:22.880 --> 0:07:25.880 Interesting. It's okay to say thank you when somebody does 0:07:25.920 --> 0:07:26.800 something kind. 0:07:26.820 --> 0:07:30.000 I mean, you should. Obviously, showing gratitude is the kind 0:07:30.040 --> 0:07:30.580 thing to do. 0:07:31.080 --> 0:07:32.970 But you have to ask yourself, if you didn't get 0:07:33.010 --> 0:07:35.850 the reaction you wanted and you get angry about it, ooh. 0:07:36.940 --> 0:07:37.540 Okay, that's, yeah. 0:07:37.620 --> 0:07:40.720 What was your actual intention behind, and that's a hard 0:07:40.760 --> 0:07:43.280 thing to ask yourself. It's funny, I even think about, like, 0:07:44.160 --> 0:07:45.810 I don't want to bring this back to Donald Trump, 0:07:45.820 --> 0:07:48.030 but I don't know why it just popped in my head, 0:07:48.070 --> 0:07:51.590 this engraving his name on the Kennedy Center, because he 0:07:51.650 --> 0:07:53.570 wants credit for restoring. 0:07:53.590 --> 0:07:54.670 That's fair. 0:07:55.530 --> 0:07:56.930 No, this is an apt example. 0:07:57.090 --> 0:08:01.110 Yes, he wants credit for restoring. 0:08:01.940 --> 0:08:04.380 The Kennedy Center, and so he wants his name engraved 0:08:04.420 --> 0:08:11.130 so he gets forever, like, centuries later, credit for doing 0:08:11.170 --> 0:08:12.690 something good for. 0:08:12.550 --> 0:08:13.190 The Kennedy Center. 0:08:13.210 --> 0:08:14.210 That's a really good example. 0:08:14.230 --> 0:08:17.270 That's a really, really good example. That's a damn shame. 0:08:17.360 --> 0:08:22.560 But that is what that, man, a resentful martyr. And saying, 0:08:22.620 --> 0:08:24.350 if you don't let me put my name on it, 0:08:24.400 --> 0:08:25.980 we're going to tear the damn thing down. 0:08:26.310 --> 0:08:30.250 And that is one of the signs. They will get angry. 0:08:32.610 --> 0:08:37.050 They start resenting people who refuse to participate in their dynamic. 0:08:37.170 --> 0:08:40.319 I will destroy this memorial if you don't put my. 0:08:40.320 --> 0:08:42.860 They keep a log or a ledger of who owes them. 0:08:43.220 --> 0:08:43.760 Yeah. 0:08:44.340 --> 0:08:46.140 These are some of the signs. 0:08:46.420 --> 0:08:48.140 We have a resentful martyr in chief. 0:08:48.540 --> 0:08:48.880 Yes. 0:08:48.920 --> 0:08:51.140 This is not where this episode was supposed to go. 0:08:51.179 --> 0:08:53.960 No, but the interesting thing is all of these relationship 0:08:54.059 --> 0:08:57.160 episodes that we've been doing today... Yes, of course they 0:08:57.210 --> 0:09:00.850 apply to your romantic relationships or even your friendships, but 0:09:00.890 --> 0:09:03.610 they also, we can see them in politics. We can 0:09:03.670 --> 0:09:10.270 see them in our workplaces. These dynamics exist in every relationship, 0:09:10.410 --> 0:09:13.370 even if it's president to his people who elected him. 0:09:13.929 --> 0:09:18.290 These dynamics exist, and recognizing them in other people is 0:09:18.429 --> 0:09:23.730 one thing, but recognizing even smaller tendencies in yourself is 0:09:23.910 --> 0:09:26.770 freeing because you can say, oh, damn, on a much 0:09:26.850 --> 0:09:31.230 smaller level, I've done that. I've felt that. What is 0:09:31.290 --> 0:09:34.150 that about me? And I don't want to be like that. 0:09:34.390 --> 0:09:37.540 And yes, the most glaring example just might be our 0:09:37.580 --> 0:09:38.000 own president. 0:09:38.080 --> 0:09:42.559 I'm still laughing. No, that's an exact 100% perfect example 0:09:42.580 --> 0:09:44.420 of what you're talking about, man. 0:09:45.120 --> 0:09:47.599 Exactly. All right. So when we come back, we have 0:09:47.660 --> 0:09:52.150 some tips from the experts on dealing with a resentful martyr. 0:10:01.480 --> 0:10:04.920 Welcome back everyone to Amy and TJ on our part 0:10:04.960 --> 0:10:09.680 three of Fighting 101. We're talking about resentful martyrs and look, 0:10:09.960 --> 0:10:11.880 they could pop up in many different ways in your 0:10:11.920 --> 0:10:14.540 life and you could even be one yourself or be 0:10:14.580 --> 0:10:17.319 a version of one yourself. Don't want to I know 0:10:17.360 --> 0:10:20.160 nobody wants to admit that they have narcissistic tendencies, but 0:10:20.440 --> 0:10:23.219 upon many years of therapy, my therapist likes to say 0:10:23.420 --> 0:10:26.410 all of us have a little touch of narcissism in us. 0:10:26.450 --> 0:10:27.230 We're born with it. 0:10:27.330 --> 0:10:30.430 We are. It's survival instincts and we have to develop 0:10:30.550 --> 0:10:33.730 beyond it. We have to, first of all, recognize the 0:10:33.750 --> 0:10:36.950 traits in us and do better, as you like to say, babe. 0:10:38.250 --> 0:10:39.829 We're all narcissists. Is that what? 0:10:40.390 --> 0:10:41.790 We all have tendencies. 0:10:41.809 --> 0:10:43.330 Tendencies. Narcissistic tendencies. 0:10:43.350 --> 0:10:46.670 We all have narcissistic tendencies. And I think we throw 0:10:46.690 --> 0:10:50.170 that label around to other people. How many people will 0:10:50.210 --> 0:10:52.150 actually say, yeah, I'm a narcissist? 0:10:52.620 --> 0:10:53.640 Nobody wants to admit that. 0:10:53.660 --> 0:10:54.560 Sounds terrible. Sounds bad. 0:10:54.800 --> 0:10:55.980 Nobody wants to admit that. 0:10:56.120 --> 0:11:00.380 But it's okay to say I have tendencies. I'm narcissist-lite. 0:11:01.990 --> 0:11:03.770 But I don't think many people would even want to 0:11:03.809 --> 0:11:06.040 admit that. They're so quick to point the finger at 0:11:06.050 --> 0:11:08.550 other people. But the only way we all do better 0:11:08.600 --> 0:11:12.080 and get better is to actually reflect inward and stop. 0:11:12.580 --> 0:11:16.240 Every time you feel yourself blaming someone else for how 0:11:16.280 --> 0:11:19.559 you feel or blaming someone else, that is the moment 0:11:19.600 --> 0:11:21.859 we have to say, wait a minute, what's my role 0:11:21.900 --> 0:11:24.640 in all of this? So anyway, the tips on dealing with, yes, 0:11:24.700 --> 0:11:27.440 say you do have, like, oh my God, I know 0:11:27.480 --> 0:11:31.239 that person. How do you deal with Or manage a 0:11:31.300 --> 0:11:32.280 resentful martyr. 0:11:32.300 --> 0:11:33.860 With the president. Okay, go. 0:11:34.340 --> 0:11:35.100 The first thing you. 0:11:35.000 --> 0:11:39.559 Do is you just have to recognize what's really going on, okay? 0:11:39.620 --> 0:11:42.460 So some of it is just saying, wow, that's happening. 0:11:42.559 --> 0:11:44.700 So that gives you the first step. The next one 0:11:44.800 --> 0:11:51.010 is to recognize that conditional help, and especially when it's unsolicited, 0:11:51.650 --> 0:11:55.690 is a debt, not a deposit. So don't feel like 0:11:55.730 --> 0:12:00.670 you have to accept this help. with strings attached, that 0:12:00.710 --> 0:12:05.140 have conditions attached. Don't look at it as someone doing 0:12:05.179 --> 0:12:07.300 something nice for you. Recognize it for what it is. 0:12:07.640 --> 0:12:09.199 They're trying to get something from you. 0:12:09.220 --> 0:12:10.480 I'm paying for this later. 0:12:10.940 --> 0:12:11.460 Exactly. 0:12:11.480 --> 0:12:14.220 You know it when it happens. Exactly. 0:12:14.559 --> 0:12:17.680 And then you also have to recognize, because people get confused, 0:12:18.300 --> 0:12:20.140 that this is love. 0:12:20.420 --> 0:12:20.980 And it's not. 0:12:21.120 --> 0:12:24.650 It's that person trying to gain leverage against you. They're 0:12:24.690 --> 0:12:27.430 not trying to show you love. They're trying to gain leverage. 0:12:28.290 --> 0:12:29.030 That's interesting. 0:12:29.800 --> 0:12:34.380 Sounds like love. So that's exactly what love always is. 0:12:34.400 --> 0:12:36.920 We're trying to balance out who loves who more and 0:12:37.000 --> 0:12:40.470 all this and who has the power in a relationship. Okay. 0:12:40.570 --> 0:12:44.250 That's not love. That's leverage. which is love. Okay. 0:12:45.530 --> 0:12:45.730 Okay. 0:12:45.750 --> 0:12:46.270 And it's funny. 0:12:46.550 --> 0:12:48.150 I'm sorry. I'm just joking. I'm just joking. 0:12:48.170 --> 0:12:50.660 No, but the number one tip, and I underlined this, 0:12:51.059 --> 0:12:53.820 do not call them out. 0:12:54.100 --> 0:12:55.319 For being narcissists? 0:12:55.420 --> 0:12:55.740 Yes. 0:12:55.840 --> 0:12:56.440 Oh, yeah. 0:12:56.500 --> 0:13:00.990 Do not call them out. Do I need to repeat that? Yeah. 0:13:01.000 --> 0:13:03.770 Caitlin Collins, stop that stuff. Don't challenge them. 0:13:03.790 --> 0:13:05.230 It doesn't work. 0:13:05.410 --> 0:13:08.449 Don't challenge a relentless, what, martyr? 0:13:09.220 --> 0:13:10.460 A resentful martyr. 0:13:10.480 --> 0:13:11.400 I said relentless. 0:13:11.679 --> 0:13:15.200 Well, you could be a relentless resentful martyr. Yes, and 0:13:15.220 --> 0:13:17.680 that's so funny you point that out. Look what happens. 0:13:18.460 --> 0:13:19.740 And that is when you know. 0:13:21.480 --> 0:13:25.740 Watch the press. Somebody question him. Challenge him. 0:13:26.320 --> 0:13:27.319 How does he react? 0:13:27.940 --> 0:13:28.580 Explosively. 0:13:29.780 --> 0:13:30.620 And there you go. 0:13:30.960 --> 0:13:31.980 Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. 0:13:32.380 --> 0:13:37.390 They say, this will only lead to unproductive conflict and... 0:13:37.850 --> 0:13:44.099 That's what a lot of narcissists want anyway. That landed 0:13:44.150 --> 0:13:48.579 for me. They put themselves in this position because they 0:13:48.940 --> 0:13:53.960 actually need conflict. It gives them a purpose. It gives 0:13:54.020 --> 0:13:57.120 them something to fight against. And in a lot of ways, 0:13:57.179 --> 0:14:00.670 it gives them power. And so by calling them out, 0:14:01.050 --> 0:14:02.670 you actually empower them. 0:14:03.050 --> 0:14:07.350 Yeah, narcissists don't sit in corners by themselves. They need 0:14:07.370 --> 0:14:11.270 to be charged. They do. They need to be fed, 0:14:11.330 --> 0:14:13.790 and that fuel comes from us. 0:14:14.750 --> 0:14:19.550 Yes, they get a payoff from you fighting back. From 0:14:19.650 --> 0:14:24.090 you criticizing them, they love it. Now they have something 0:14:24.110 --> 0:14:29.140 to actually bite on, and now they've got a purpose 0:14:29.400 --> 0:14:30.280 to fight you. 0:14:31.680 --> 0:14:32.580 This is what they say. 0:14:32.620 --> 0:14:36.800 So instead of calling them out, you literally have to accept... 0:14:37.160 --> 0:14:41.420 that this is who they are. And you have to 0:14:41.490 --> 0:14:46.190 be realistic then about the relationship and recognizing whether or 0:14:46.230 --> 0:14:48.230 not you want that person in your life. 0:14:48.430 --> 0:14:50.510 And those are the steps. It's not about calling them out. 0:14:51.550 --> 0:14:53.170 It's about being realistic. 0:14:53.310 --> 0:14:55.990 Okay. Once you use the president example, I can't get 0:14:56.010 --> 0:14:59.320 past that. So I apply what you just said to 0:14:59.750 --> 0:15:00.200 the president. 0:15:00.480 --> 0:15:00.720 Yes. 0:15:00.920 --> 0:15:02.820 So we have to be realistic and If we. 0:15:02.720 --> 0:15:04.120 Want to continue a relationship with him. 0:15:04.540 --> 0:15:05.420 And if you don't want. 0:15:05.330 --> 0:15:07.780 To continue a relationship with him, you remove them from 0:15:07.800 --> 0:15:08.210 your life. 0:15:08.420 --> 0:15:09.400 So no third term. 0:15:09.520 --> 0:15:11.410 When they're president of the. 0:15:11.390 --> 0:15:14.510 United States, that's an incredibly difficult thing to do. But 0:15:14.550 --> 0:15:16.830 maybe the best thing to do is to. 0:15:18.070 --> 0:15:20.990 Change the channel. But anyway, yes. 0:15:21.050 --> 0:15:24.430 And it's fun to look at it from a non-romantic perspective. 0:15:24.490 --> 0:15:28.770 But even for me, this has friendships. I feel like 0:15:29.230 --> 0:15:31.550 female friendships, a lot of times, this is. 0:15:33.360 --> 0:15:34.640 That's been my experience. 0:15:34.330 --> 0:15:36.350 That you don't realize it in the moment, but all 0:15:36.370 --> 0:15:39.210 of a sudden you say, wait a minute, is that 0:15:39.710 --> 0:15:42.670 what's going on here? And just recognizing it. And then 0:15:42.790 --> 0:15:45.250 I just think also correcting any behavior within yourself. If 0:15:45.290 --> 0:15:50.110 you have a tendency to have some of these feelings, 0:15:50.470 --> 0:15:53.430 actually get curious about them. If you're questioning yourself, if 0:15:53.460 --> 0:15:56.200 you're willing to be self-reflective, by the way, you're not 0:15:56.220 --> 0:16:00.119 a narcissist. If you're willing to say, wow, maybe I 0:16:00.200 --> 0:16:02.590 am doing that, You're not a narcissist. I think some 0:16:02.610 --> 0:16:04.860 people get worried. And then I had someone say, if 0:16:04.880 --> 0:16:08.200 you're actually questioning whether or not you are one, you're 0:16:08.240 --> 0:16:12.720 not because you're actually being willing to be self-reflective. 0:16:13.240 --> 0:16:15.900 So does anyone out there is like, oh, no, is 0:16:15.980 --> 0:16:16.500 that me? 0:16:17.070 --> 0:16:20.910 If you're actually asking yourself that, chances are you're not. 0:16:21.130 --> 0:16:23.480 But if anybody listening said, that's not me. 0:16:24.460 --> 0:16:27.570 Then maybe you are. Exactly. 0:16:27.650 --> 0:16:27.870 All right. 0:16:27.890 --> 0:16:31.240 And with that, everyone, we always appreciate you listening to us. 0:16:31.400 --> 0:16:33.320 I'm Amy Robach alongside TJ Holmes. 0:16:33.480 --> 0:16:33.920 We'll talk soon.