Speaker 1: Every day a waiting up the breakfast Club finish for
Speaker 1: y'all done morning.
Speaker 2: Everybody is j n V jess hilarious, Charlamage, the guy
Speaker 2: we are, the breakfast Club Law and the Roses here
Speaker 2: as well.
Speaker 3: We got a special guest in the building.
Speaker 4: We told you he was going to have him back.
Speaker 5: That's right, doctor Joelton. Welcome back, man, Thank you for
Speaker 5: having us back. I didn't get to talk to you
Speaker 5: last time. I wasn't here.
Speaker 3: I was out of town. How you doing.
Speaker 5: It's honor to meet your brother.
Speaker 1: New book, The Fight to find Yourself Moving from Uncertain
Speaker 1: to Unstoppable, is out now.
Speaker 4: Yes, sir, I want to ask you, doctor Joe, what was.
Speaker 1: The What was the moment, like that real breaking point
Speaker 1: that made you realize you weren't living as your authentic self?
Speaker 5: Several moments. I don't think I can categorize it to one.
Speaker 5: I think it was a breakdown for me, a chain
Speaker 5: of events, a lot of success, and the success couldn't
Speaker 5: solve the pain. And so once all the breakdowns started
Speaker 5: to accumulate, I started realizing this stuff is just a
Speaker 5: band aid. Every accolade, every award, every stage, every opportunity
Speaker 5: could not solve the inner pain and so having a
Speaker 5: good community of course j of course, other brothers and
Speaker 5: other ministers that knew that I was hurting started looking
Speaker 5: into the insights say hey, man, pull yourself back. We
Speaker 5: need to talk to you. My mentor who became a pastor,
Speaker 5: he began to talking to me. He told me to
Speaker 5: stop speaking. So for I think nine months to a year,
Speaker 5: I didn't travel, I didn't go anywhere. He made me
Speaker 5: stay home and minister at the house so he could
Speaker 5: watch over me and check over me. But the pain
Speaker 5: had gotten pretty bad, pretty bad. I think I put
Speaker 5: a gun to my head twice during that process, trying
Speaker 5: to figure out how to maneuver through. But then once
Speaker 5: I found a pretty good therapist, things started changing, and
Speaker 5: I started journal and started documenting and seeing things change
Speaker 5: for myself.
Speaker 6: You talk about in the opening of the book going
Speaker 6: through the motions of things and how they just feels
Speaker 6: so empty. Yeah, but you also have such a big
Speaker 6: platform and you're speaking places you can fall back into
Speaker 6: the motions easily, even at certain points in it, like
Speaker 6: how do you kind of stop yourself from falling back
Speaker 6: into the motion of things because you know you're entertaining
Speaker 6: at the same time too.
Speaker 5: That's a great question. Let's do it like this. When
Speaker 5: the annoyinging comes on you to speak, it comes on
Speaker 5: you for the task for the moment. So the annoying
Speaker 5: comes on you to do what you need to do.
Speaker 5: You study yourself, how you prepare, you do what you
Speaker 5: need to do. You pray. That's God doing his thing
Speaker 5: through you. When that's over, it's over, and you can
Speaker 5: walk off the stage and feel like you're absolutely failed,
Speaker 5: even though people were absolutely blessed. You can walk off
Speaker 5: the stage get a phone call that just rips everything away.
Speaker 5: After all, those people have given their lives to Christ.
Speaker 5: And that's what I'm talking about, that that moment, you're
Speaker 5: annoying it for that moment, and then when you come off,
Speaker 5: you don't have the badge to live. And that's what
Speaker 5: I was experiencing. So it was a massive fall off
Speaker 5: and I got tired of that, real tired of it.
Speaker 3: What changed?
Speaker 2: What gave you the feeling of wanting to live again?
Speaker 5: I lost my father and my son back to back.
Speaker 5: Both of those relationships were difficult to had my son
Speaker 5: when I was sixteen years old. He came to live
Speaker 5: with me his sophomore year and then my father. We
Speaker 5: had a good relationship, but it wasn't like what you
Speaker 5: wanted father and son to have. I've respected him very
Speaker 5: much so and he wasn't an absentee. We just didn't
Speaker 5: have a relationship. And so that thing grew, grew and grew.
Speaker 5: So in the process, I built all these walls that
Speaker 5: protected me emotionally. And the last two weeks of my
Speaker 5: dad's life, I spent with him in the hospital and
Speaker 5: I got to know him like I never knew him before.
Speaker 5: I held his hand and washed him, shaved, and I
Speaker 5: fed him, scratched his back. It was a different feeling
Speaker 5: from me that unleashed this avalanche of emotions that I
Speaker 5: never felt before, and I needed to figure out how
Speaker 5: to deal with them. For a little bit, I felt
Speaker 5: like it was great, And then for a second I
Speaker 5: was like, God, how could you do this? How could
Speaker 5: you wait till the end? And I'm this old to
Speaker 5: give me the feeling of being a son. I'm already
Speaker 5: a man, and I've already mastered the way I do life,
Speaker 5: you know, and so it may not be perfect, but
Speaker 5: it's mine. And when that happened, those two deaths broke
Speaker 5: down everything I knew. It broke down my own blueprint
Speaker 5: and I had to come up with a new one.
Speaker 4: So you lost yourself because of what you lost.
Speaker 2: To you at your lowest and you're feeling like taking
Speaker 2: your life. Most people will say that is devil working,
Speaker 2: and it's not anything but the devil trying to get
Speaker 2: you to take your life.
Speaker 5: Do you agree with that? I don't know if I
Speaker 5: agree with it or not. I'm gonna be honest with you.
Speaker 5: I know that Satan comes to kill, still and destroy.
Speaker 5: I don't think God does that. But what I will
Speaker 5: say is that there are some things that happen to
Speaker 5: us internally chemically that we are born with or born
Speaker 5: without that only scientists can answer. I don't think the
Speaker 5: scientist is God not saying that. But I don't think
Speaker 5: that's a question that you could just easily answer from
Speaker 5: a five or six minute conversation. I think it involves
Speaker 5: a lot of study, a lot of interpretation, and the
Speaker 5: opportunity to really converse with people that have the problem,
Speaker 5: not people that are just sitting around the table discussing that.
Speaker 2: Because when most people feel like they want to take
Speaker 2: their life, it's a lot of times they feel worthless,
Speaker 2: right they feel like that they don't have an answer,
Speaker 2: they'd rather they feel like life would be better without
Speaker 2: them than with them in it, And it's learning.
Speaker 3: That that complete opposite. Did you have that feel?
Speaker 5: I felt it, but because I had understood the word
Speaker 5: of God and had enough left in the tank, I
Speaker 5: had enough to kind of come back and forth and
Speaker 5: talk to myself. When I was younger, I didn't. I
Speaker 5: just took the pills, but I didn't die. When I
Speaker 5: got older and I pulled that trigger, I pulled that
Speaker 5: triggers to die. But I didn't I felt that way.
Speaker 5: But I will say I was going back and forth
Speaker 5: dialogue in my head. Now, this is something I want
Speaker 5: to say straight up. Most pastors, most people in church
Speaker 5: are going straight up to you know, you're going to hell,
Speaker 5: you know, and that is the devil's work. Again, I
Speaker 5: think it's unprofessional and it's a lack of empathy and
Speaker 5: compassion to have a conversation with the person to find
Speaker 5: out why they felt that way. Why do you feel
Speaker 5: that way? I think that's a part of the conversation.
Speaker 5: I understand the eternal security and eternal damnation. We got
Speaker 5: that the religious perspective of the walk with God, but
Speaker 5: somebody still needs to get in your walk get in
Speaker 5: your shoes with the word of God and help you
Speaker 5: walk through why you feel that way. I think that's
Speaker 5: the missing ingredient. Great question, great debate, but the missing
Speaker 5: piece of the question and the conversation is the person.
Speaker 5: Why do you feel that way?
Speaker 2: Because I've been there before and I write it in
Speaker 2: my book of me being feeling worthless right, me doing
Speaker 2: things making me feel like an embarrassment to my family
Speaker 2: one and me feeling like not being here would be
Speaker 2: better for my family took a lot of praying, a
Speaker 2: lot of talking, a lot of discussion. Well, when somebody
Speaker 2: ever tells me that they're thinking about it, I jumped
Speaker 2: to it immediately, right. And the reason I jumped to
Speaker 2: it and jump to have a conversation. I have conversation
Speaker 2: with so many people online. But the reason I jump
Speaker 2: to it is because another thing that also gives me
Speaker 2: great fear is sometimes people feel like I got to
Speaker 2: show you I would do it, you know what I mean,
Speaker 2: Like I'm thinking about it, And a lot of times
Speaker 2: we write that person off like just just go sleep, yo,
Speaker 2: just go take a shot, just just go talk to somebody.
Speaker 2: And I feel like the worst thing you can do
Speaker 2: to somebody in that position is kind of sign them off.
Speaker 2: Almost feel like I have to show you I was
Speaker 2: gonna do it, and once I have, once I show you,
Speaker 2: there is no ups there is no fix that can't
Speaker 2: fix that.
Speaker 5: That's why I said the person, the person matters. I
Speaker 5: love the theological conversation, the church conversation. It's great to
Speaker 5: have put the collar down and talk to the person
Speaker 5: and then we'll navigate there. Why do you feel that way?
Speaker 5: What caused you to get that way? That's more important
Speaker 5: right now, you know? And I love what you said
Speaker 5: about it because some people say I'm just going to
Speaker 5: do it, and if you and I and if they
Speaker 5: do it, we don't get an opportunity to come back.
Speaker 1: I love this conversation because you know, the fight to
Speaker 1: find yourself. What if you feel like you know that
Speaker 1: fight is no longer, that fight would no longer be
Speaker 1: fought it here on this earthly plane. And what I
Speaker 1: mean by that is like I had a friend committed
Speaker 1: suicide a few years ago, and this she was so
Speaker 1: intentional about everything, so strategic about everything, and then when
Speaker 1: you go look at her like social media posts, she
Speaker 1: was asking questions like I wonder what my next life
Speaker 1: would be like. And it was during COVID, and she
Speaker 1: was saying things like, you know, one thing COVID taught
Speaker 1: me is that I would have, you know, jumped off
Speaker 1: the slave ship a long time ago, like so she
Speaker 1: knew she was ready to go, and so she, you know,
Speaker 1: committed suicide.
Speaker 5: You felt like the other side was better than this side,
Speaker 5: which is what.
Speaker 4: I can't say that. Her call was that you're saying,
Speaker 4: that's how I kind.
Speaker 5: Of feel, you feel, but don't know what she felt that.
Speaker 4: I don't know what she felt.
Speaker 5: I think for me, I have felt that. I have
Speaker 5: felt that because there's no dying over there. That's what
Speaker 5: that's what we teach. There's no more murder over there.
Speaker 5: You know, it's eternal life over there, eternal security, and
Speaker 5: I'm better off gone than here. We don't know. That's
Speaker 5: that's that is the point of the conversation. If you
Speaker 5: can have the conversation, if you can pause from your
Speaker 5: daily life, from your routine, and have the conversation with
Speaker 5: the person. We just got through talking about one of
Speaker 5: Jason Wilson's posts that we miss the red flags and
Speaker 5: sometimes when the white flag is is pushed. It's too late.
Speaker 5: We missed the red flags because of our routines, because
Speaker 5: of our life. It's not that it's our fault, but
Speaker 5: we have to slow down. If we're going to be
Speaker 5: in a relationship with people, being covenant with people, then
Speaker 5: the relationship has to be deeper than us kicking it.
Speaker 5: It has to be deeper than us just making it.
Speaker 5: I think, Jay and our relationship is incredible. We're both
Speaker 5: making it in our fields. We're making it in what
Speaker 5: we do. But we pause to find out about our
Speaker 5: mental Yo, how you thinking? Why are you thinking that way?
Speaker 5: What's going? And then I have to be comfortable enough
Speaker 5: to be vulnerable with the men, tell the absolute truth.
Speaker 5: I'm broken. And then I find a scripture that says
Speaker 5: he's close to the broken hearted. That's in the Bible.
Speaker 5: So I need the scripture. Now. I don't need the
Speaker 5: scripture to talk about suicide. I need the scripture before suicide.
Speaker 5: I need the empowerment before thinking about taking my life.
Speaker 5: So the word starts talking to me when I feel
Speaker 5: like doing it.
Speaker 4: So stay on that. What does it look like to
Speaker 4: fight right? Oh?
Speaker 5: Man? Fighting writers with scripture? Loading yourself up daily because
Speaker 5: you want to make your plans from your faith, not
Speaker 5: your feelings. Your feelings are going to change, They're going
Speaker 5: to ebb and flow based off of who you're connected with,
Speaker 5: based off of what happens to you. We fight wrong
Speaker 5: all the time. We fight wrong with the wrong people,
Speaker 5: We fight wrong with our diets, we fight wrong with addictions,
Speaker 5: we fight wrong. I just start thinking, and so the
Speaker 5: scriptures talk about us capturing every imagination, every thought and
Speaker 5: bringing it under subjection. You know that is how you fight.
Speaker 5: But you have to learn how to do that through
Speaker 5: the word of God. And I was just sitting there
Speaker 5: and I told, I told Jay, I said, when I
Speaker 5: get there, because I know that your audience is full
Speaker 5: of church people and not church people. So I always
Speaker 5: let's just say I'm on chat GPT. Find me a
Speaker 5: scripture that's encouraging for depression. Find me a scripture that's
Speaker 5: encouraging for depression. It's just that simple.
Speaker 4: And what does the Bible say about chat GPT.
Speaker 5: I don't know.
Speaker 4: I'm just asking, get out of here.
Speaker 5: See what Chad say. Chad took me to Psalms thirty
Speaker 5: four eighteen. The Lord is close to the broken hearted,
Speaker 5: and save those who are crushed in spirit. I got
Speaker 5: that in like what thirty seconds, Matthew eleven twenty eight.
Speaker 5: Come to me, all you are weary and burdened, and
Speaker 5: I will give you rests Tewod Corinthians one three through four.
Speaker 5: Praise be to God, the Father of our Lord, Jesus Christ,
Speaker 5: the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,
Speaker 5: who comforts us all in our troubles. We have to
Speaker 5: take it upon ourselves, no matter what our level is
Speaker 5: in study. You may not be a theologian, you may
Speaker 5: not be a doctor in biblical studies, but you can
Speaker 5: grab this technology. And this technology just like it's teaching
Speaker 5: us how to go everywhere across the world. You can
Speaker 5: grab it whatever you feel. I'm telling this to you,
Speaker 5: brother sister, whatever you feel, grab it. Speak what you
Speaker 5: feel thet it give you a word. It's coming from
Speaker 5: the Bible. Man. If you don't trust it, go pick
Speaker 5: your Bible up and trace it and make sure that's
Speaker 5: what it says. But at least attempt, at least attempt
Speaker 5: to speak into your own life.
Speaker 4: What do you say?
Speaker 3: It's a two paul question.
Speaker 2: One. People always say that people who commit suicide or
Speaker 2: thinking of committing suicide or tried to commit suicide or
Speaker 2: weak right, and for parents out there, seems like the
Speaker 2: suicide conversation and depression conversation is a lot more frequent
Speaker 2: than when we were kids. What do you say to
Speaker 2: parents in old situations?
Speaker 5: Children are not weak. Your children don't have an answer.
Speaker 5: Your children are not weak. Your children are beautiful, Your
Speaker 5: children are strong. Your children are confused, and they don't
Speaker 5: have an answer because if they had an answer, that
Speaker 5: wouldn't be the choice. And I would say to the parents,
Speaker 5: continue to build your relationship with your children so you
Speaker 5: can actually see the changes when the diet changes, when
Speaker 5: they stop doing the stuff that they love, and they
Speaker 5: stop training, when they stop talking on the phone, when
Speaker 5: they stop smiling. When you see those shifts, that's when
Speaker 5: you got to act. You can't act when the wife
Speaker 5: lad goes up. They are not weak.
Speaker 6: What do you say to parents about learning how to
Speaker 6: find what they need for themselves to be able to
Speaker 6: give to their children, Because I know you talk about
Speaker 6: that in your book, like you had to do a
Speaker 6: lot for yourself and your fight to then be able
Speaker 6: to fill your daughter up.
Speaker 5: Reading reading, reading, reading, reading, reading, reading, reading, reading, reading,
Speaker 5: everything that you can read, and then reading what your
Speaker 5: children are reading, okay, what are they actually putting into them?
Speaker 5: One of the things I had to watch is my daughter,
Speaker 5: one of my daughters, she watches a lot of television
Speaker 5: on her phone. Okay, so the TV could be playing
Speaker 5: just as loud as day. She's got her headsets on
Speaker 5: and she's in a whole nother movie. So I have
Speaker 5: to take them. I said, what are you watching? Everything
Speaker 5: she's watching is like Ghosts, Goblins, Demons, witch is not spooky,
Speaker 5: but it's fun little movies. That's giving her different ways
Speaker 5: of dealing with life. So I said, hey, let's watch
Speaker 5: something else. I have to What are you listening to?
Speaker 5: What is the music you're listening to? So I started
Speaker 5: listening to their music. Now they laugh because they're like, yo, Dad,
Speaker 5: why are you listening to that? Because I want to know.
Speaker 7: What you're listening to.
Speaker 5: They're listening to everything and I like it. They listen
Speaker 5: to everything and I like it. So it's to me.
Speaker 5: It's trying to stay lock and step with them. I
Speaker 5: don't expect them to be me. I don't expect her
Speaker 5: to be a pastor. I don't expect her to sing
Speaker 5: in the choir. I expect her to be a child,
Speaker 5: and I want to go through that experience with her.
Speaker 5: I know what it's like to have churchy parents that
Speaker 5: don't have a clue what you're thinking, what you're listening to,
Speaker 5: where you're going, and what's actually feeding your spirit. So
Speaker 5: that's what I would say to the parents.
Speaker 1: I want to go a little deep on the role
Speaker 1: faith plays in finding yourself because can someone truly discover
Speaker 1: who they are without first discovering who God is to them?
Speaker 5: That just depends on the discipline of that particular person's faith.
Speaker 5: That's a big broad question. You're talking to a Christian,
Speaker 5: So I'm going to view life through a Christian lens.
Speaker 5: And for me, because I believe that God created us,
Speaker 5: then I believe the path to understand himself is going
Speaker 5: to come through the Creator. Okay, when you look at
Speaker 5: how we were made, I think I open it up
Speaker 5: in the book. When you look at how we were made,
Speaker 5: Adam and Eve are in this perfect situation with God.
Speaker 5: It's when Eve listens to what the devil says about
Speaker 5: did God say that? Which puts this question in her head,
Speaker 5: this doubt in her head? Did he really say that?
Speaker 5: Which is what we say, now, did he really say that?
Speaker 5: Did he say it, did he not say it in
Speaker 5: my saying it? Or did he saying it this question?
Speaker 5: She gives the fruit to her husband, they eat it.
Speaker 5: The scripture says, I think in chapter two of verse
Speaker 5: twenty five, if I'm mistaken, that they opened their eyes
Speaker 5: and they were naked, and they realized it. They had
Speaker 5: been naked and unashamed. But now they realize that they're
Speaker 5: neked and unashamed. So their entire existence was based off
Speaker 5: of vulnerability and openness and transparency from the beginning. But
Speaker 5: that same openness, that same transparency becomes questioned now that
Speaker 5: they actually know they've eaten this fruit, and they have
Speaker 5: this knowledge of good and evil. So now they know,
Speaker 5: and now they're hiding from the God that created them.
Speaker 5: And from that day, every last one of us are
Speaker 5: warped into ancestry and history. So all of us are
Speaker 5: shapened in sin, born in iniquity, born in sin, shaping
Speaker 5: in iniquity because of their decision ancestry. So this is
Speaker 5: how we get their doubt creeps in. Is God talking
Speaker 5: to us then our own family history, what we say
Speaker 5: we are, who we've become, That is evolved over years.
Speaker 5: I think that we're a combination of history and a
Speaker 5: combination of ancestry. So in the Christian lens, I believe
Speaker 5: that is important to know what God says about man
Speaker 5: so that you can find yourself, because there's some wonderful
Speaker 5: things God says about us. And if we can build
Speaker 5: off of what he said, then you're not looking for
Speaker 5: what everybody else says. To build your life and to
Speaker 5: figure out who you are, you start with the word
Speaker 5: of God and take this journey. I think the journey
Speaker 5: is more important than the actual destination. That's what I believe.
Speaker 6: I love that you also talk about too in the book,
Speaker 6: just how your wife has coached you through so many
Speaker 6: different moments in your fight for the partners out there
Speaker 6: who are like everybody's finding themselves. But I think when
Speaker 6: I hear how you speak about her, there are certain
Speaker 6: parts and certain things you couldn't have done without her.
Speaker 6: Oh God, but it has to be heavy on her
Speaker 6: as well. How is she balancing her own fight with
Speaker 6: helping you do your fight.
Speaker 5: It's sometimes it's unfair. It's unfair because she had to
Speaker 5: stop fighting for herself to help me fight. But I
Speaker 5: think that's the power of love, and I think we
Speaker 5: evolve in time. I think I don't think that marriage
Speaker 5: is a fifty to fifty. Sometimes it's gonna be eighty twenty.
Speaker 5: Sometimes it's gonna be ten, one hundred, sometimes it's gonna
Speaker 5: be seventy thirty. I think love is love, and whatever
Speaker 5: number adds up, that's based off of the try, the
Speaker 5: push between the two people, and there's always gonna be
Speaker 5: one this week, and there's always gonna be one that's strong.
Speaker 5: And so to each couple, I would say that the
Speaker 5: journey to becoming who you are together will be based
Speaker 5: off of the two of you remaining honest and open.
Speaker 5: That I can carry you today. I may not be
Speaker 5: able to carry you tomorrow. I carry you today.
Speaker 2: People don't talk about a lot about how important a
Speaker 2: good partner is, right, Yeah, because when I when I've
Speaker 2: been at my lowest many times, if it wasn't for
Speaker 2: my partner, I don't think I would be able to
Speaker 2: come out.
Speaker 3: Of it the way that I did.
Speaker 4: Happy to be here for you guys.
Speaker 2: This guy's crazy, you know what, you know what's so crazy?
Speaker 2: I see him yesterday in the right just happen to
Speaker 2: see him in the street I'm with my wife and
Speaker 2: my daughter.
Speaker 3: He's with his wife. He walks up to me. He's
Speaker 3: stocking kisses at me.
Speaker 5: Not your wife handled that.
Speaker 2: My wife didn't see his wife said it, and his
Speaker 2: wife's like, really like this clarn ship, like that's wrong
Speaker 2: with you.
Speaker 4: And now you just blow kissing him what she said.
Speaker 1: But talking about the importance of more part of that,
Speaker 1: his wife goes, if somebody just blow kissing, he goes,
Speaker 1: that was charlat maney.
Speaker 5: I think that's beautiful that your spouses can laugh at that.
Speaker 5: They can't.
Speaker 3: I don't know how long it took me laugh at first.
Speaker 3: I don't think they thought it was that funny.
Speaker 2: Talk about the importance of a good partner and a
Speaker 2: good spouse when you're going through those things, because you know,
Speaker 2: Charlamage and myself talk about when you're really faithful in
Speaker 2: your marriage and life, it opens up a whole another life,
Speaker 2: another category, another.
Speaker 5: A whole nother round of favor. Absolutely that comes upon
Speaker 5: your life after word, Yes, a whole nother round of favor,
Speaker 5: because sometimes you feel like you'res an't worth nothing and
Speaker 5: we're living off the other. Having a good spouse is
Speaker 5: the opposite of having a bad one, okay, And I
Speaker 5: think a lot of the world is experiencing bad relationships.
Speaker 5: But you hear so much about what it takes to
Speaker 5: being a good one. To being a good one means
Speaker 5: you survive a lot of bad things. I don't know
Speaker 5: anybody that's been in a great relationship that doesn't have
Speaker 5: stories of wounds and cuts and memories where things have
Speaker 5: gone bad. That's what makes it good. That you can
Speaker 5: go through the storms and go through the rain and
Speaker 5: still remain. And there'll be times where you feel like
Speaker 5: walking away. There'll be times when you feel like departing.
Speaker 5: You take your take mind, or you just take it
Speaker 5: all in our bounce. But the love, the commitment, the
Speaker 5: responsibility to become the one that you want to be
Speaker 5: drives everything. My wife, her name is Latasha. She's been
Speaker 5: with me. I didn't have anything, but that's not true.
Speaker 5: I did have something. My credit was bad. That's what
Speaker 5: was bad. Yeah, I had things, but my credit was
Speaker 5: bad and I was able to get things without the credit.
Speaker 5: But she looked at the credit and said, Yo, your
Speaker 5: credit is terrible. I can fix it for you. I
Speaker 5: said what she said, I can fix it for you.
Speaker 5: So she fixed my credit credit went up, and she's like, yo,
Speaker 5: I can handle the money. And that was different from
Speaker 5: me because I don't know. I've never been socialized into
Speaker 5: manhood where the woman handled the money. But she could
Speaker 5: handle the money. So I let our relationship be our relationship.
Speaker 5: At first, I was a little bit embarrassed. I had
Speaker 5: this myth of manhood that if she's doing this, and
Speaker 5: she's doing this, it's going to make me look stupid.
Speaker 5: But I realize, my marriage is my marriage. It's not yours,
Speaker 5: and it is not yours, and it's not until I'm
Speaker 5: a toured as a man that I understand what goes
Speaker 5: on in my house is my house. I don't care
Speaker 5: what's happening in your house. So your spouse has to
Speaker 5: have the ability to endure it with the worst of
Speaker 5: you and the best of you. And likewise, and just
Speaker 5: make sure that you guys are on the same page
Speaker 5: with raising children, all right. Make sure you're on the
Speaker 5: same page with raising children so that you can recreate
Speaker 5: something beautiful and not create something that's going to be
Speaker 5: a monster.
Speaker 6: But the steps of that for people like if you
Speaker 6: both don't have children, or even if one person does
Speaker 6: have children, sometimes you don't know how person is until
Speaker 6: they're in a situation, even if you have conversations prior
Speaker 6: to like what are the real steps to know?
Speaker 5: I don't think that there is a a cookie cutter
Speaker 5: step because we're all different. I think when we spend
Speaker 5: time with each other, what are you actually doing? If
Speaker 5: you're just having sex, smoking and drinking and they're having
Speaker 5: a real conversation about who you are, where you come from,
Speaker 5: what do you like? What don't you like? I think
Speaker 5: all those things need to be talked about first. What
Speaker 5: makes you happy? What makes you sad? When you get angry?
Speaker 5: Do you throw things? Do you cuss? Do you go off?
Speaker 5: Do you belittle me? Can you encourage me when you
Speaker 5: don't like me? Can you still show up for me
Speaker 5: when you want to leave me if we have to
Speaker 5: go to a function? Will you embarrass me even though
Speaker 5: you're upset with me? How do you want to be appreciated?
Speaker 5: How do you want me to leave you alone? How
Speaker 5: do we argue?
Speaker 2: Is?
Speaker 5: What is what is the what are the what are
Speaker 5: our parameters for arguing? Ours? Was? Listen? If you leave,
Speaker 5: you come back, don't stay gone, and don't go to
Speaker 5: nobody else's house and spend the night if you don't
Speaker 5: want to talk to me going to the other room.
Speaker 5: But at some point in time there must be a resolution.
Speaker 5: I think all those things matter because then we have
Speaker 5: people that get married because the sex is great. We
Speaker 5: get married because we got money, and the kids are
Speaker 5: gonna be pretty because we both look good. But we've
Speaker 5: done none of the other work to discover what we like.
Speaker 5: If you're Catholic and I'm Protestant. If you're Catholic, do
Speaker 5: you want the kids to be all of that little
Speaker 5: bitty stuff that we avoid because we're attracted. Those things
Speaker 5: need to be discussed. Then let's go to counseling. Let's
Speaker 5: go to counseling and see what happens. If we're Christian,
Speaker 5: let's also go visit the Christian counselors. We're don't have
Speaker 5: to be the pastor what is it that they're saying
Speaker 5: about our relationship? And I walk with God because I
Speaker 5: don't want to get in our in our marriage and
Speaker 5: find out you you don't believe the way I believe?
Speaker 5: Why am I just not finding that out? All of
Speaker 5: those little things need to be discussed before we ever
Speaker 5: even talk about kids. Then we start talking talking about it.
Speaker 5: How are we going to raise our children? How many
Speaker 5: children do you want? What kind of school do you
Speaker 5: want them to go to? Do you believe in corporate punishments?
Speaker 5: I think that's the right word of beating your kids
Speaker 5: or soft parented, whatever the correct words are. I think
Speaker 5: all those things matter before we do it. But we're backwards.
Speaker 5: We have sex first, we like the feeling first. Then
Speaker 5: we get together. Then we stay together and either end
Speaker 5: up with come in law marriage or we go ahead
Speaker 5: and get married because we're already pregnant, and then we
Speaker 5: wrestle with all the other stuff later. Just flip the script.
Speaker 5: We know what to do, just reverse the order to
Speaker 5: flip the script.
Speaker 7: For No, we don't know how apt.
Speaker 6: We are very intentional about a lot of the things.
Speaker 6: This is probably the first time ever. I mean, I'm
Speaker 6: thirty three, so I'm pretty young, but this is the
Speaker 6: first time that I feel like my intention is actually
Speaker 6: like matched, and even when it's not the best thing,
Speaker 6: like I'm not the best person and vice versa, it's
Speaker 6: still like a no, we're going we sit down, We're
Speaker 6: about to talk about this. And I've never in certain conversations,
Speaker 6: I've never had like we had a financial conversation the other
Speaker 6: day and I was like, no.
Speaker 7: One has ever.
Speaker 5: It's the first time you had ever?
Speaker 6: Yeah, it was. It's very new, but so it's been
Speaker 6: some months. But we've been dating for longer than that.
Speaker 6: But we've been dating for about a year. But officially, yes,
Speaker 6: it is, Yes.
Speaker 4: It is.
Speaker 5: That is not new. I wish I had a computer?
Speaker 5: Do you like you do?
Speaker 7: The only reason knew is because she had.
Speaker 4: First of all, she just thought so one of them
Speaker 4: fell off. That's not true.
Speaker 7: No, that's not He's framing this completely wrong. Okay.
Speaker 6: So the only reason why I say it's new is
Speaker 6: because I think I've had to learn. I've had to
Speaker 6: learn how to be very different in this stage in
Speaker 6: my life, not even relationship, just because of like career
Speaker 6: and a lot of things. So I took a lot
Speaker 6: more time with certain things this time around.
Speaker 7: See sexual sex.
Speaker 5: What did you do different about it?
Speaker 6: We just it took some more time before it happened,
Speaker 6: which is very different from me. We also we also public,
Speaker 6: like being in public with each other. I took time
Speaker 6: before I did that. It's still in public sneaky videos,
Speaker 6: we're still taking.
Speaker 7: I feel.
Speaker 6: Now even got one year we've been dating for you,
Speaker 6: that's a long time.
Speaker 7: That's still very new though.
Speaker 5: Have you slept with him within three and sixty five days? Yes,
Speaker 5: okay you have. You have had sex with this man
Speaker 5: multiple times. Uh huh, look at your smith. Can you tell?
Speaker 7: Where are you showing him?
Speaker 5: What is going on here? This is not her?
Speaker 7: No, it's not he keep showing people this video. That's
Speaker 7: not me.
Speaker 4: You are God watching you.
Speaker 5: This is not you know that person that was a birthday.
Speaker 6: That has nothing to do with me nor the situation
Speaker 6: we're having a conversation about.
Speaker 5: That was your birthday?
Speaker 7: Is that him like two years ago?
Speaker 5: That's not the same him. That's another hymn.
Speaker 7: I don't know.
Speaker 6: Guy that I was kissing in the restaurant and the
Speaker 6: guy that just got posted kind of at the Eagles game.
Speaker 6: That is where we are. That is my man, and
Speaker 6: that's the only thing we should be talking about.
Speaker 3: You keep bringing in life.
Speaker 6: That I don't know why I keep bringing up things.
Speaker 7: Are not important.
Speaker 5: What I'm saying is this exactly what you just said.
Speaker 5: You've slept with this man. You have a smile on
Speaker 5: your face. You are you're enjoying that you have slept
Speaker 5: with this man multiple times. You should be that enthusiastic
Speaker 5: about everything else.
Speaker 6: But I'm saying this is the first time that I am.
Speaker 6: Like in others situations, there have been things that I think.
Speaker 5: When did you find out about his credit? And what month?
Speaker 7: Probably like within the first month, then.
Speaker 5: When did you sleep with him? You don't want to
Speaker 5: tell me, Okay, this is so how we No, I'm
Speaker 5: just you know, I don't even want to go there.
Speaker 6: This is not about I think so for me also
Speaker 6: to this situation, I think you asked the question no,
Speaker 6: and I want to have the conversation. That's how we
Speaker 6: haven't it.
Speaker 3: But as you just pray now, I want to get
Speaker 3: this out because I.
Speaker 6: Want to hear what you have to say because one
Speaker 6: of the things I enjoyed learning was how you and
Speaker 6: your wife are in your fight. Because one of the
Speaker 6: things I've realized with us is we're both in kind
Speaker 6: of like the trying to figure out our life separate
Speaker 6: of a relationship, but it just so happens that we're
Speaker 6: together doing it now. And I thought that it was
Speaker 6: great how she knowed, how she knew how to support you,
Speaker 6: and because sometimes things can feel.
Speaker 5: Like it's my wife, his girlfriend.
Speaker 7: Yes, but still even in Franks, even in friendship.
Speaker 5: It's a completely different responsibility and a completely different role.
Speaker 7: But take out relationship like girlfriend.
Speaker 6: Even in friendships, right, there are times where you feel
Speaker 6: like you're giving more to a friendship than you're receiving.
Speaker 6: And you talked about vulnerability and vulnerability being a bad thing.
Speaker 6: That was the first time I've ever heard somebody say that.
Speaker 6: And the reason why I brought it up is because
Speaker 6: in situations like this, when things do feel good, you're
Speaker 6: always wondering, am I allowing certain things to happen because
Speaker 6: it feels good? Or is it really where it's supposed
Speaker 6: to be? Relationship, friendship, whatever? How do you deal with
Speaker 6: that thought?
Speaker 5: I don't want to go to that thought because I
Speaker 5: want to go back to your first original thought. This
Speaker 5: is an escape, go back to where we were. Go ahead,
Speaker 5: When did you find out about his credit first.
Speaker 6: Month or first month of us being in a relationship,
Speaker 6: not the first month of us dating. So what's the
Speaker 6: difference Because when we were dating, it was casual stuff,
Speaker 6: so it was like dinner, it was phone conversations.
Speaker 7: It wasn't you.
Speaker 5: Know, did y'all talk about your faith?
Speaker 7: Yes?
Speaker 6: When that was probably like one of our first in
Speaker 6: person conversations.
Speaker 5: So how long did it take from phone to in person?
Speaker 5: What do you mean you did phone first.
Speaker 7: Then you did in person first?
Speaker 6: Because this is someone that I already knew, Like we
Speaker 6: went to college together for a bit, So we did
Speaker 6: in person first and then.
Speaker 7: The phone kind of. Guys were friends, Yeah, we were
Speaker 7: cool before.
Speaker 5: Did y'all sleep together when y'all was cool?
Speaker 6: No? No desire, No, there was desire, but it didn't happen.
Speaker 6: And that's what I'm saying. I took the conversation. Yeah,
Speaker 6: like there was definitely desire.
Speaker 5: Yeah, so you wanted this guy already? Did he want
Speaker 5: you already?
Speaker 7: I don't know if I ever asked him that, I
Speaker 7: don't think.
Speaker 5: So what made you? Did he ask you out? Or
Speaker 5: did you ask him out?
Speaker 6: We got together as friends just he was like, you
Speaker 6: know you're in Jersey, would love to take you out
Speaker 6: the happy hour celebrate everything got going on.
Speaker 5: It wasn't he who initiated the turn.
Speaker 7: I initiated the turn.
Speaker 4: Aggressive, especially on that cast ago.
Speaker 5: Living out a lot left.
Speaker 6: It wasn't even about no, it wasn't me being aggressive
Speaker 6: on Cosumigos. It was when we said our first time
Speaker 6: in person, that happy hour conversation. I was sitting there
Speaker 6: and I'm like, man, this man is amazing, Like I
Speaker 6: would love to get to know more about him, not
Speaker 6: just as my fear.
Speaker 5: Now, let me ask you this. When you said that,
Speaker 5: where were you psychologically emotionally? Did you know yourself before
Speaker 5: you made that decision?
Speaker 7: No, I don't think I fully know myself.
Speaker 5: Now, how much of yourself do you know? What do
Speaker 5: you know about yourself?
Speaker 6: I know a lot about myself, but I don't think
Speaker 6: that I'm fully through like my fight, Like.
Speaker 5: So you're still fighting one hundred.
Speaker 6: I didn't even begin the fight, honestly, probably until this year,
Speaker 6: because I didn't know that it was a fight to
Speaker 6: be had.
Speaker 5: I just figured that's so powerful because I just told
Speaker 5: him that that sometimes when you were in a relationship,
Speaker 5: this is not your relationship.
Speaker 7: Go a head. I'm enjoying this.
Speaker 5: Yeah. I think sometimes when you're in a relationship, when
Speaker 5: you get healed, when you actually find you, it opens
Speaker 5: up your eyes so much that you start looking at
Speaker 5: all of your choices and all of your decisions, and
Speaker 5: you can see the unhealthy picks, the unhealthy partners, the
Speaker 5: unhealthy conversations, now, and it's hard to speak to sick people.
Speaker 5: And I'm not pointing at anybody specific, it's hard to
Speaker 5: have a conversation with sick people because you yourself didn't know
Speaker 5: you were sick, and now you realize that, hey, I'm better,
Speaker 5: but I created this sickness or I played a part
Speaker 5: in the sickness that becomes difficult, which is what I
Speaker 5: know we'll probably talk about with the holidays. When you're
Speaker 5: going into the holidays. Should I be trying to discover
Speaker 5: myself right now? And it's twofold. Its juxtaposition. If you
Speaker 5: have a safe place, yes, If it's not safe, no,
Speaker 5: because those conversations will turn into wars and it'll create
Speaker 5: a horrible holiday experience. Yet, but if you have a
Speaker 5: safe place and there is enough health in the room, mom, uncle, sister,
Speaker 5: therapist somewhere, there has to be some safety for you
Speaker 5: to retreat and then not necessarily isolation, but some alone
Speaker 5: time for you to actually process and come out and talk.
Speaker 5: You can move methodically through it. But if you are
Speaker 5: healed your hold and you are connected to someone that
Speaker 5: is sick, it's going to be a difficult path. How then,
Speaker 5: my question to you, how do you have a healthy
Speaker 5: conversation with an unhealthy person.
Speaker 7: Right now, I just be doing it.
Speaker 5: You just be doing it.
Speaker 7: I think a lot of Yeah.
Speaker 6: I mean, because I'm thinking about people in my life
Speaker 6: that I love that I know they're not having.
Speaker 7: They don't they're fit.
Speaker 4: I don't know.
Speaker 7: Lord, No, I'm telling the truth.
Speaker 6: Like I'm literally every day I'm engaging with people that
Speaker 6: I know are not in the best spaces, like in
Speaker 6: their fight, you know. But I don't have a choice
Speaker 6: because these are people I love, Like it's my mother,
Speaker 6: it's my you know.
Speaker 7: Like, so you literally just get through it.
Speaker 6: You set boundaries for certain conversations, but you I'm literally
Speaker 6: just doing it some days because I don't have a choice.
Speaker 7: Like what do you do in a situation like that?
Speaker 5: It's very difficult. It's going to be a war, and
Speaker 5: you have to be prepared. And this is what I'm
Speaker 5: saying to you. Once you go through your journey, and
Speaker 5: you're going through your journey right now, I've gone through mine.
Speaker 5: Now I'm evolving, all right, because like you said, you
Speaker 5: don't just get there and stop. Not the same man
Speaker 5: you are thirty five or forty five, fifty five, You're
Speaker 5: gonna change you're gonna evrol. But coming into self, coming
Speaker 5: into knowledge of self, knowing who I am, knowing that
Speaker 5: I know why I get upset about certain things. I
Speaker 5: know why certain things trigger me. I know when I
Speaker 5: need to remove myself. I know when I need to
Speaker 5: go in stronger because I'm aware of me. Now. Because
Speaker 5: I'm aware of me, it helps I help myself in
Speaker 5: the unhealthy conversation. I don't make it more unhealthy. I
Speaker 5: don't make it more toxic because at one point I
Speaker 5: was I would keep pushing and keep pushing and keep
Speaker 5: pushing because I'm trying to get you to understand what
Speaker 5: I'm saying. But I realized you're never going to understand.
Speaker 5: You don't have the capacity. So what I've learned now
Speaker 5: is that now that I faultifying me, there's no need
Speaker 5: for me to fight you because you don't know you.
Speaker 5: I need to retreat and let you be you and
Speaker 5: come back on another time to have a conversation.
Speaker 6: Do you do that differently in different situations, because like,
Speaker 6: for instance, with my dad, I do that all the time,
Speaker 6: but with other people I go all the way like
Speaker 6: that's not happening. Like, so, do you feel like you're
Speaker 6: more in your fight, you further along with certain people
Speaker 6: in certain situations.
Speaker 5: Okay, so different, yea, because they're diferent people, different relationships,
Speaker 5: different levels of covenant. Yeah, definitely, definitely.
Speaker 2: I will say this though, y'all having that conversation to Prust,
Speaker 2: it is shut of me.
Speaker 3: Why I'm gonna.
Speaker 5: Tell you, why depress me.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna tell you why I met my wife At sixteen.
Speaker 2: I didn't care about credit. I didn't care about how
Speaker 2: much money she had. I didn't care about religion at
Speaker 2: the time.
Speaker 5: I just was close to.
Speaker 2: Somebody that was my friend and that we were starting
Speaker 2: a relationship, and we did it all together, right.
Speaker 3: And now later on we did everything together. We built our.
Speaker 2: Credit together, we built our businesses together, we built religion together, right.
Speaker 2: But I couldn't imagine dating somebody and all that in
Speaker 2: my mind.
Speaker 5: You gotta think credit, you gotta think religion.
Speaker 3: You gotta think uh, you know, what does he think
Speaker 3: about kids? And this?
Speaker 1: That?
Speaker 5: And you ever went.
Speaker 2: All I want to do is see if I'm compative.
Speaker 7: You were sixteen and there's a lot less on the
Speaker 7: line at that age.
Speaker 2: But also I want to see somebody that you loved
Speaker 2: and then you grow into.
Speaker 3: He's a Baptist. You could figure it out later.
Speaker 4: Like me and my wife have been together since teenagers.
Speaker 1: You know, even though we may not have been discussing
Speaker 1: those things, we were discussing, all right, some some sort
Speaker 1: of interest even at that.
Speaker 7: It's just not as heavy they're talking about.
Speaker 2: But I think things you don't.
Speaker 6: Do that, like you start building a friendship first. So
Speaker 6: first I was just like, let me see if I
Speaker 6: just like him as a person.
Speaker 4: I feel like this.
Speaker 1: But I knew I was gonna marry that woman when
Speaker 1: I was a teenager, absolutely, Like from the moment I
Speaker 1: had her, I knew I didn't.
Speaker 4: Wife, and I didn't have all that. Yeah, I did
Speaker 4: that immediately.
Speaker 7: She did your wife know? No, So neither one of
Speaker 7: you guys know.
Speaker 5: We were older too, you know what I'm saying. So sixteen,
Speaker 5: I was in my thirties, so it was nothing like that.
Speaker 5: And I had already had a divorce. She had had
Speaker 5: terrible relationships about to be married, marriage crashed out, so
Speaker 5: she was in a different place. Our situation was like this, Yo,
Speaker 5: We're gonna date for about a few months if this
Speaker 5: thing ain't working. It's just the part she said. I
Speaker 5: think you're a great speaker. I like your church. If
Speaker 5: it don't work, I want to keep going to your church.
Speaker 5: I was like, okay, cool. So when we met, man,
Speaker 5: we met at some of the most craziest places, like
Speaker 5: the waffle house. I would I would back in at
Speaker 5: the waffle house. She would pull in at the waffle house.
Speaker 5: So I'm on the driver's side, she's on her driver side,
Speaker 5: and we'd be talking if we went to eat. She
Speaker 5: paid for her bill. I pay for my bill. I
Speaker 5: don't owe you nothing. You don't owe me nothing. We
Speaker 5: were grown we were grown people. And then when we
Speaker 5: got into the relationship and we were like, hey, we
Speaker 5: really like you. Well, at that time, I'm a grown man.
Speaker 5: I'm like, okay, look, I got to make sure everything's
Speaker 5: tight because this woman already has a house, so I'm
Speaker 5: not gonna take her to an apartment. She owns her home,
Speaker 5: she has a car, she has a great job. I
Speaker 5: had a great job, so I needed to make sure
Speaker 5: that moved her up and that moved her across.
Speaker 6: There's nothing wrong with that, But how did that stifle
Speaker 6: you guys relationship?
Speaker 7: If it didn't, because I feel like.
Speaker 3: If you're gotta have bad credit, you wouldn't beat it.
Speaker 5: No, you would say, let me help your credit.
Speaker 3: Because maybe that's the part of his life. He just
Speaker 3: did not yet.
Speaker 6: But you have to be I think me establishing I
Speaker 6: like him as a person. We were sleeping on the floor.
Speaker 6: We're gonna figure it out. But I had to know
Speaker 6: that for sure. And then after that, I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 6: now let's do all the dancing up things. What's your credit?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 7: What you how are you as a like all those
Speaker 7: type of things.
Speaker 5: Likability part is a fact. If I don't like you,
Speaker 5: we ain't going nowhere, you know. So we got to
Speaker 5: like each other. I get you on net. Yeah, but
Speaker 5: I just want to make sure you start evolving into
Speaker 5: those other pieces. Because they face lit up about the sex,
Speaker 5: but it didn't light up about nothing else.
Speaker 7: I think it was just kind of like, too, is
Speaker 7: you a pastor?
Speaker 6: No, it's a little weird. It's a little weird talking
Speaker 6: to you. No, it's we're talking to you about sex
Speaker 6: or even him showing you that video. It's like, you're
Speaker 6: a pastor?
Speaker 5: What am I not a pastor? Because I'm having a conversation.
Speaker 6: No, you still are a pastor, but there is I'm
Speaker 6: not the first person that has reacted like it's a
Speaker 6: little weird talking about certain things because.
Speaker 5: You're pastor you brought it up. I did it up.
Speaker 7: Yeah, But then when a reality hit it's like this is.
Speaker 4: A pastor.
Speaker 1: Pay Usually somebody who is lost doesn't know that they're lost.
Speaker 1: So how do you identify being in that space? No boy,
Speaker 1: lost in what regard just in life period, still figuring
Speaker 1: it out, fighting to find it.
Speaker 5: I don't think you. I don't think it's you're supposed
Speaker 5: to identify. If the loss we're talking about, you're talking
Speaker 5: about being in a relationship with somebody you love, or
Speaker 5: you talking about this is your this is your friend,
Speaker 5: what's the context a friend?
Speaker 7: He trying to talk to me, Your eyes keep lighting
Speaker 7: up over there about everything else, but when he actually
Speaker 7: got right.
Speaker 5: Generic, if it's a friend, you.
Speaker 6: Think I'm lost in life. I don't think I'm lost
Speaker 6: in life. I think that there are certain things that
Speaker 6: I am figuring out.
Speaker 1: But I think that it's easy to get lost in
Speaker 1: the life that you are trying to live.
Speaker 5: Are you lost?
Speaker 6: That's a very loaded like in what part of this
Speaker 6: Like I'm trying to live to her.
Speaker 4: And she's learning how to do a lot of different things.
Speaker 5: I think that's normal.
Speaker 7: Yeah, And I'm very vocal about when I'm confused, when I.
Speaker 6: Do feel lost or i am I do ask a
Speaker 6: lot of questions, but.
Speaker 1: Try to tell the path to what he wants. You'll
Speaker 1: try to tell the past to what you want.
Speaker 6: That happens too, But I think that that is me
Speaker 6: when I've learned from talking to you. Most of the time,
Speaker 6: it's you when I am in those situations. What I've
Speaker 6: learned from it is I think it's because I've never
Speaker 6: had to engage with because my dad and me are
Speaker 6: like we talk here and there, but it's not like
Speaker 6: a consistent thing.
Speaker 7: So I've never had to.
Speaker 6: Engage it with a man in a way where like
Speaker 6: I take I take things in and I listen and
Speaker 6: I trust it.
Speaker 7: It's always been I hear you, but like, yeah, whatever, you.
Speaker 5: Need to find that out, you need to find out why.
Speaker 6: And those are And that's what I'm saying. Everything is
Speaker 6: evolving and changing at this level of life.
Speaker 2: Past traumas that she's dealt with, which I understand why
Speaker 2: she keeps one eye open. I think anybody would they
Speaker 2: want to protect their heart.
Speaker 1: And.
Speaker 5: I think that's what this is about, because that's what
Speaker 5: this is about, you intentionally, because you use the word
Speaker 5: intention intentionally going into those dark places and unearthing all
Speaker 5: of that to actually deal with it so you can
Speaker 5: go forward. Okay, You got to get to the point
Speaker 5: where you can have those conversations without having to do this. Okay,
Speaker 5: understanding that there is a possibility that you're going to
Speaker 5: get hurt and there's nothing you can do about it.
Speaker 5: So why keep crippling yourself.
Speaker 3: Just live.
Speaker 5: He could hurt me today, I could hurt him today,
Speaker 5: I could hurt my spouse today, my wife today. There's
Speaker 5: nothing she can do about it. Nothing. She wouldn't see
Speaker 5: it coming, or she may see it coming, but there's
Speaker 5: still nothing she could do about it. So live, and
Speaker 5: the way to live is to do this surgery. Go
Speaker 5: into you go into the fight, and you got to
Speaker 5: dig underneath all of that success because that's where it is,
Speaker 5: and that's what makes it hard. When you have actually
Speaker 5: been successful, you're successful at what you do, people know
Speaker 5: there's a demand for what you do. Forget what everybody's
Speaker 5: success definition is. There's a demand for you, and you
Speaker 5: get paid to do what you do very very well.
Speaker 5: And when you have to push all that aside and
Speaker 5: dig down into stuff that's old. It'll make you tremble,
Speaker 5: it'll make you want to quit it, it'll make you
Speaker 5: want to stop. But that's the part. You need to
Speaker 5: get it now because you're going to go higher than this.
Speaker 5: At some point you're gonna blow past them and you
Speaker 5: have your own show. But you got it. You have
Speaker 5: to do the work now. You don't want to do it,
Speaker 5: then do it now. Dig now, Struggle now, cry now,
Speaker 5: scream now, holler. Now. You're gonna have answers for other
Speaker 5: women and other men, I promise you, But you gotta
Speaker 5: do the work.
Speaker 1: I don't sound that self accountability hearing you though, I
Speaker 1: hear you.
Speaker 7: That's the biggest thing is I do hear you. I
Speaker 7: just do always, just like to hear it from you.
Speaker 4: Why.
Speaker 6: I think the way he goes about it sometimes it's
Speaker 6: not the best.
Speaker 7: It's very loud, it's very yes.
Speaker 5: And what does he say?
Speaker 1: Uh?
Speaker 6: He doesn't care, No, he cares. We've had conversations like, yeah, Lauren, I.
Speaker 2: Love your ball spot ass head, Like.
Speaker 3: I'm try to help you out, Like what are some
Speaker 3: things he would say?
Speaker 6: No, Like, We've had conversations because I look at them
Speaker 6: as like mentors. And a lot of times I feel
Speaker 6: like in the space that I'm in because I don't
Speaker 6: have anybody I can directly point to that's doing exactly
Speaker 6: what I'm doing. I ask them questions or I just
Speaker 6: watch what they do or how they talk or whatever.
Speaker 6: So when they sell, when they say things to me,
Speaker 6: what they say to me matters. So if he says
Speaker 6: something and he may not understand how I took how
Speaker 6: he said it, he's like, oh, you're emotional. It's not
Speaker 6: Maybe it is emotion, but I think it's emotion because
Speaker 6: I value there's values. Hear what you're taking your time
Speaker 6: to say, even if you don't know you're taking your
Speaker 6: time to say. I value that. So I think sometimes
Speaker 6: the disconnect is how he sees my He thinks I'm
Speaker 6: just like and I'm not always her. Sometimes it's like, no,
Speaker 6: I'm really listening. I'm taking it what you're saying.
Speaker 5: You just so, how often do you all have the
Speaker 5: conversation of how you're actually taking it in?
Speaker 7: We had it yesterday, Yeah, how did it go?
Speaker 1: I feel like it to come around to the point
Speaker 1: that she took it wrong.
Speaker 3: So I will say this.
Speaker 5: He's very hard.
Speaker 3: Pause.
Speaker 2: Right, he's very hard on people that he loves. It's
Speaker 2: just who you're the person. I'm knowing him for fifteen
Speaker 2: twenty years.
Speaker 3: That's who he is as a person.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: If he doesn't love you, he's not gonna be on
Speaker 2: you at all. He's gonna let you slip, he gonna
Speaker 2: let you fall, he gonna let you trip. That's the
Speaker 2: way he talks.
Speaker 3: No gloves on. It is what it is.
Speaker 5: Me.
Speaker 2: I'm more to have soft gloves on yet, because I
Speaker 2: want you to understand what I'm saying, got it? And
Speaker 2: it's two different styles of the way we communicate.
Speaker 3: That's just who he is.
Speaker 5: And so how are you navigating knowing or did you
Speaker 5: already know or not know?
Speaker 7: I've learned it.
Speaker 6: I kind of feel like meeting him, I kind of
Speaker 6: saw behind like when I started thinking about what his
Speaker 6: intention was behind things. And I had to do that
Speaker 6: because when you're on a public platform like this, people
Speaker 6: don't know our internal vibes, right, They only see what
Speaker 6: they see. So when I'm out in the world and
Speaker 6: people are talking to me about them, because I know
Speaker 6: their intentions, it's not really much you can tell me
Speaker 6: about them, right, So that helped me kind of understand it,
Speaker 6: but I think if I'm being honest, I'm just not
Speaker 6: used to receiving that. So a lot of times my
Speaker 6: instinct is like what or I'm not trying to hear that,
Speaker 6: or yeah, but you need to correct the way you're talking,
Speaker 6: and sometimes it's like yeah, but I just want you
Speaker 6: to hear what I'm saying. Also like there, I feel
Speaker 6: like there should be accountability on both sides, because even
Speaker 6: if what you're saying is correct, sometimes the way that
Speaker 6: it's said, it's not emotion it's just what's your end
Speaker 6: goal If you're in my goal is too direct, and
Speaker 6: make sure that I'm not slipping.
Speaker 5: I don't.
Speaker 6: I'll turn off like I'm just like okay, well whatever,
Speaker 6: I don't care. We don't got to do it, and
Speaker 6: I don't want to get I don't want to be
Speaker 6: in that space. So for myself, the accountability I'm taking
Speaker 6: is like yesterday, at the end of it, I was like,
Speaker 6: you know what I did, even if it was emotion
Speaker 6: I did say, you know what, I'm turning everything off.
Speaker 7: I don't care.
Speaker 6: We'll just get to the rest of the day. I
Speaker 6: don't want to show up like that because my life
Speaker 6: and career depend on me not showing up like that.
Speaker 6: But also it felt good to be able to be like, yeah,
Speaker 6: but you see what you just said here and how
Speaker 6: you said it. That's why I took it this way,
Speaker 6: and maybe you should think about that.
Speaker 4: I didn't even say nothing. That's what made it even
Speaker 4: crazy to you. No, No, I didn't say it was
Speaker 4: an action, had.
Speaker 5: It on video because to you, you didn't because it's
Speaker 5: just you. But to her body language, tone, temperament, language,
Speaker 5: everything but speaking.
Speaker 1: I was talking to the twitch right. So it's a
Speaker 1: bunch of people. So I'm already in mid conversation. She
Speaker 1: comes in to tell me something. I answer the questions
Speaker 1: that I go, Oh, I go, this what you want
Speaker 1: to talk about? Then Envy responded to her like, oh
Speaker 1: you want to talk about?
Speaker 4: She walked out and I.
Speaker 7: Was like, whatever, we ain't gonna do it. I'm not fighting.
Speaker 4: Story, and she was like, because you acted like you
Speaker 4: didn't want to do it, Like what.
Speaker 1: Did I do?
Speaker 5: Were you already upset? No? So this whole situation turned.
Speaker 5: It triggered you.
Speaker 7: Yeah, it was very yes, And so.
Speaker 5: My question to you is what in that trigger is
Speaker 5: in you? Because that's normal for you.
Speaker 6: I think it was the dismissiveness that it was the
Speaker 6: we just said, even though it was very small, it
Speaker 6: was just like I'm not good at Like what was it?
Speaker 4: I didn't dismiss.
Speaker 5: This part.
Speaker 2: It's the acceptance, right, And I'm gonna tell you why
Speaker 2: I can agree with that. And I'm gonna tell you
Speaker 2: why I told her she's amazing at what she does. Right,
Speaker 2: you come with your chest out and you do your job.
Speaker 3: You do what you know what's right.
Speaker 2: Now. Mind you, there's some things will miss, I said,
Speaker 2: but you do what you know what's right.
Speaker 5: That's why you're here. Right.
Speaker 2: I play my mix. I play the songs in my
Speaker 2: mix because I'm the DJ. Now there's times to show
Speaker 2: them me, Like Yo, it's so and So's birthday.
Speaker 3: Did you do the mix?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 3: Cool?
Speaker 1: Yo?
Speaker 3: Do you hear that song? Yes?
Speaker 2: Because you're always open to hear things, say thing with
Speaker 2: Charlom donkey.
Speaker 3: He picks that donkey.
Speaker 2: But if there's somebody that comes to here and be like, yo,
Speaker 2: you should check this out, he's not gonna be like nah,
Speaker 2: I ain't come up with that idea.
Speaker 3: It's a community.
Speaker 2: Sometimes I feel like she's worried about are they gonna
Speaker 2: like these stories?
Speaker 4: Is this cool to do?
Speaker 5: Oh?
Speaker 3: Okay, yes? And what did I tell you yesterday?
Speaker 6: Don't worry about that? And it's so crazy because I
Speaker 6: feel like, why you're here. In the beginning, I didn't
Speaker 6: even like. I was just like, Okay, I know who
Speaker 6: will like and who won't like, and it doesn't matter.
Speaker 6: But now I think I'm so invested into it and
Speaker 6: I don't know what the thing is. But I'm so
Speaker 6: invested into like this thing that I'm trying to make
Speaker 6: sure yes, yes, yes like and the balance of it
Speaker 6: be driving me crazy.
Speaker 7: Sometimes I'm like, do I not know what I'm doing?
Speaker 5: What I'm doing with my mentor my pastor When I
Speaker 5: moved to speak there for him and he says, hey,
Speaker 5: you up tonight, it was the most scariest thing ever. Okay,
Speaker 5: so it's twenty thousand people watching, and he watched. I
Speaker 5: ain't even worried about the twenty thousand. I'm worried about
Speaker 5: the one him. He said, at home doing this And
Speaker 5: when I got done, I looked at the phone. He says,
Speaker 5: what are you doing? I said, I'm packing my thing,
Speaker 5: coming to my house. Now. When I got there, he says,
Speaker 5: what was you thinking, I said, I did. I was,
Speaker 5: so I said, You're gonna fire me. I got scared immediately.
Speaker 5: He said, no, I even to fire you. He said,
Speaker 5: was why do you always think I'm gonna fire you?
Speaker 5: Because I'm talking to you, trying to figure out what's
Speaker 5: going on with you. I'm trying to help you. I've
Speaker 5: never had anybody his status, his caliber even invested me
Speaker 5: like that, and I didn't know what it even looked like.
Speaker 5: He was the best. At one point, I was trying
Speaker 5: to make sure that he please more than I was.
Speaker 5: That God was pleased. Okay, and hear me. I know
Speaker 5: people gonna hear what I said and try to throw
Speaker 5: it anyway. I love God, but God that gave me
Speaker 5: this amazing teacher. So I'm taking notes, trying to I
Speaker 5: understand exactly where you are. I don't want to slip.
Speaker 5: I want this dude to still want me to be here.
Speaker 5: And at some point he said, listen, if I didn't
Speaker 5: think you were good, you wouldn't be here. So quit
Speaker 5: worrying about that.
Speaker 3: Be you.
Speaker 5: Yeah, you got to get better. Yeah you gotta study. Yeah,
Speaker 5: take notes, but throw everything at the glass door. Everything.
Speaker 5: Don't just halfway through it. Throw everything, and that's what
Speaker 5: I'm here to tell you. Throw everything at the glass door.
Speaker 5: Don't worry about it. They like it or not. They
Speaker 5: want you here. Bring you to the A game. Bring
Speaker 5: you to the game, Bring your A game to the game.
Speaker 5: That's who you are. They cannot be who they are
Speaker 5: without you, and you're gonna have to fight to do that, period,
Speaker 5: not them. Find yourself, lazy gentlem minute.
Speaker 4: I just want to write to.
Speaker 3: Fight to find yourself.
Speaker 2: Literally said, if you weren't good, to find yourself is
Speaker 2: out right now make.
Speaker 3: Sure you go get it.
Speaker 1: I got one more cau just one moment that was perfect.
Speaker 1: I Did you write this book for the person you
Speaker 1: used to be or the person you're becoming.
Speaker 5: That's a great question both mm hm for both the
Speaker 5: person I used to be needs to see it and
Speaker 5: the person that I am needs to see it because
Speaker 5: there are stories in there that keep me grounded, that says, hey,
Speaker 5: it ain't always been the way it is. God is
Speaker 5: blessing you, and it is because all of these stories
Speaker 5: what helped propel you to get you where you are.
Speaker 5: Keep me grounded, Close us on the prayer. That's what
Speaker 5: we thank you for. This amazing opportunity to be with
Speaker 5: my brothers and my sister. We asked you bless her
Speaker 5: as she continues to fight to find her up and
Speaker 5: move in this industry, that she is more than enough
Speaker 5: and she's capable of taking it to the next dimension.
Speaker 5: We thank you for both of my brothers who have
Speaker 5: been staples in this industry for a long time. Continue
Speaker 5: to allow their minds to evolve. Bless their families, Bless
Speaker 5: their children. Everyone is to connect it to them God
Speaker 5: as they continue to soar in their fields. Father, we
Speaker 5: thank you for the day. We thank you for another
Speaker 5: opportunity to praise your name were asud you seal it.
Speaker 5: We thank you for your glory and your divine grace
Speaker 5: in Jesus name. Amen, Amen, thank you all. You got
Speaker 5: to do it one more time.
Speaker 3: The Breakfast Club in the morning. Every day I wake.
Speaker 5: Breakfast Club.
Speaker 4: Y'all done.