WEBVTT - 9 Mistakes We Make in Love and Relationships 0:00:00.600 --> 0:00:02.560 Don't make sacrifices for people if you're going to make 0:00:02.560 --> 0:00:04.359 them pay for it, because then it's not a sacrifice. 0:00:04.400 --> 0:00:08.840 Then it's a transaction. Right. Don't give people discounts if 0:00:08.880 --> 0:00:11.479 you're then going to ask for payment, because then it 0:00:11.640 --> 0:00:14.720 wasn't a discount. Does that make sense? If you say 0:00:14.760 --> 0:00:16.799 I did all of this for you, but now I 0:00:16.840 --> 0:00:18.720 want you to pay it back, then you didn't really 0:00:18.800 --> 0:00:21.320 do it for them. You did it for you. And 0:00:21.360 --> 0:00:22.880 I'm not saying you have to do anything for someone, 0:00:22.920 --> 0:00:24.279 but I'm saying if you are going to do it, 0:00:24.320 --> 0:00:32.720 then this is how you want to think about. Hey, everyone, 0:00:32.840 --> 0:00:35.320 welcome back to our purpose the number on a health 0:00:35.360 --> 0:00:37.760 podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single 0:00:37.800 --> 0:00:40.240 one of you that come back every week to listen, 0:00:40.600 --> 0:00:43.640 learn and grow. Now, whether you're walking your dog, whether 0:00:43.760 --> 0:00:47.720 you are editing, whether you're cooking, whether you're driving, whether 0:00:47.760 --> 0:00:50.200 you're walking, whatever it is that you're doing right now, 0:00:50.600 --> 0:00:52.800 thank you for being here, Thank you for trust to me, 0:00:53.240 --> 0:00:55.600 thank you for giving me your ears, giving me your time. 0:00:56.160 --> 0:00:59.320 I'm so grateful. As always, I would always, always, always 0:00:59.320 --> 0:01:02.320 be grateful to each and every one of you, And 0:01:02.520 --> 0:01:05.440 as always I cannot wait till I finally get to 0:01:05.480 --> 0:01:07.160 meet you. So I just want to say I have 0:01:07.240 --> 0:01:09.920 been loving your Instagram post recently. I've been seeing the 0:01:10.000 --> 0:01:13.160 podcast everywhere and it makes my day. Some of you 0:01:13.200 --> 0:01:15.600 are going back to the older episodes as well, and 0:01:15.680 --> 0:01:17.600 I was thinking about it just this year. We've had 0:01:17.640 --> 0:01:21.919 some incredible guests, everyone from Jennifer Lopez through to Alicia Keys, 0:01:22.280 --> 0:01:26.200 through to Will Smith, Big Sean jene Ico. It has 0:01:26.240 --> 0:01:29.319 been a phenomenal year. But what to speak about the 0:01:29.360 --> 0:01:32.959 years before. We've had Yuval Noah Harari, the author of Sapiens. 0:01:33.400 --> 0:01:38.720 We've had the incredible Kobe Bryant Rest in Peace. We've 0:01:38.760 --> 0:01:43.840 had the amazing thoughts and insight from thinkers like Ray Dalio. 0:01:44.120 --> 0:01:47.000 It has been phenomenal what's been going on in the 0:01:47.040 --> 0:01:48.960 last two years, and I just want to thank you 0:01:49.000 --> 0:01:51.040 for being here. Make sure you go back listen to 0:01:51.080 --> 0:01:54.400 someone over the holidays. And I am so excited to 0:01:54.400 --> 0:01:57.080 be talking to you today. I can't believe it. My 0:01:57.280 --> 0:02:01.000 new book Eight Rules of Love is out and I 0:02:01.040 --> 0:02:04.120 cannot wait to share it with you. I am so 0:02:04.120 --> 0:02:06.480 so excited for you to read this book, for you 0:02:06.520 --> 0:02:08.920 to listen to this book. I read the audiobook. If 0:02:08.960 --> 0:02:11.560 you haven't got it already, make sure you go to 0:02:11.680 --> 0:02:15.480 eight Rules of Love dot com. It's dedicated to anyone 0:02:15.600 --> 0:02:18.760 who's trying to find, keep, or let go of love. 0:02:19.040 --> 0:02:21.760 So if you've got friends that are dating, broken up, 0:02:21.840 --> 0:02:24.600 or struggling with love, make sure you grab this book. 0:02:24.880 --> 0:02:26.920 And I'd love to invite you to come and see 0:02:26.960 --> 0:02:30.720 me for my global tour Love Rules. Go to Jay 0:02:30.800 --> 0:02:36.120 Shettytour dot com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences, 0:02:36.360 --> 0:02:38.720 and more. I can't wait to see you this year. 0:02:39.080 --> 0:02:42.560 And today we're talking about the nine mistakes we make 0:02:42.600 --> 0:02:46.840 in relationships, the nine mistakes we make in love and relationships. 0:02:47.040 --> 0:02:48.640 This is for each and every one of you, whether 0:02:48.680 --> 0:02:53.680 you're in a relationship, whether you are single, whether you 0:02:53.760 --> 0:02:56.680 just broke up. This is one of those episodes that 0:02:56.720 --> 0:02:58.680 I think you're going to share with friends, you're going 0:02:58.760 --> 0:03:00.240 to keep coming back to. I feel like a lot 0:03:00.280 --> 0:03:01.720 of you are going to listen to what I say 0:03:01.760 --> 0:03:04.000 today and then be passing it on to other people 0:03:04.040 --> 0:03:07.080 in your life, because these mistakes are mistakes we make 0:03:07.120 --> 0:03:09.280 again and again, and no matter how much we hear them, 0:03:09.600 --> 0:03:12.280 no matter how much we learn them, when we find 0:03:12.320 --> 0:03:18.160 someone new, when it feels fresh again, we forget. It's 0:03:18.200 --> 0:03:23.320 amazing how when things feel fresh, we forget. It's amazing 0:03:23.360 --> 0:03:27.720 how when we're experiencing lost or chemistry, we forget the 0:03:27.840 --> 0:03:33.240 lessons that we learned from previous connections. I don't want 0:03:33.240 --> 0:03:35.880 you to forget them. I don't want to forget them. 0:03:36.640 --> 0:03:39.400 And these come from coaching conversations I have, They come 0:03:39.400 --> 0:03:42.760 from clients, They come from friends and family members that 0:03:42.800 --> 0:03:47.120 I speak to about relationships. So the first mistake we 0:03:47.200 --> 0:03:53.240 make in love and relationships is we make someone our everything. 0:03:54.240 --> 0:03:59.560 We make that person our purpose, we make them our passion. 0:04:00.560 --> 0:04:04.880 But here's the thing. A person cannot be your passion. 0:04:05.880 --> 0:04:10.680 A person cannot be your purpose. Your purpose is not 0:04:11.280 --> 0:04:15.200 a person. You can love a person, you can admire them, 0:04:16.080 --> 0:04:20.320 you can enjoy time with them, you can appreciate them deeply, 0:04:21.240 --> 0:04:24.640 but your purpose and passion are separate. And when we 0:04:24.720 --> 0:04:31.719 make someone our everything, we lose ourselves. We lose parts 0:04:31.720 --> 0:04:35.359 of ourselves that we haven't even found yet. When you 0:04:35.400 --> 0:04:40.120 make someone your everything, the reason it's a mistake is 0:04:40.160 --> 0:04:45.040 because your everything is now dependent on an independent mind. 0:04:46.200 --> 0:04:48.880 Think about that for a second. The reason it's a 0:04:48.920 --> 0:04:54.760 mistake is because your happiness your joy is now dependent 0:04:55.320 --> 0:05:02.200 on an independent mind, body, and consciousness. Now they're independence, 0:05:03.560 --> 0:05:11.599 rules your feelings, their choices, decipher your mood, their behavior 0:05:11.680 --> 0:05:16.880 and approach. Inflict pain or pleasure onto how you feel 0:05:16.920 --> 0:05:21.719 on any given day. Give the remote control to your 0:05:21.760 --> 0:05:26.280 heart and emotions to this individual. They didn't ask for it, 0:05:27.080 --> 0:05:30.120 they didn't take it from you, they didn't force you, 0:05:31.040 --> 0:05:34.240 but you gave it. You gave it away. And when 0:05:34.279 --> 0:05:40.680 you make them your everything, you lose everything else. Someone 0:05:40.720 --> 0:05:44.720 can be important to you, but there's a difference when 0:05:44.760 --> 0:05:49.000 you make them your everything. When you cancel plans, you 0:05:49.160 --> 0:05:54.680 change friends, you shift your whole entire being. The other 0:05:54.800 --> 0:05:57.600 challenges is that a lot of this comes from our 0:05:57.640 --> 0:06:01.880 search almost in a divine in a way. We're looking 0:06:01.920 --> 0:06:07.520 for divinity in humanity. We're looking for that divine godlike individual, 0:06:07.600 --> 0:06:10.919 whether we're religious or not. We're looking for that individual 0:06:10.960 --> 0:06:17.560 who is infallible, that person who's omniscient, the person who 0:06:18.320 --> 0:06:20.760 knows what we're thinking and how we're feeling. We're looking 0:06:20.760 --> 0:06:25.800 for that divine individual looking for divinity and humanity, and 0:06:25.920 --> 0:06:30.160 what does that leave us with insecurity and anxiety? When 0:06:30.200 --> 0:06:33.680 you look for divinity and humanity, you're left with insecurity 0:06:33.720 --> 0:06:40.279 and anxiety. Because there is divinity within humanity, but it's 0:06:40.320 --> 0:06:45.120 not the complete divinity, because it's covered over, it's muddy, 0:06:45.400 --> 0:06:51.360 it's messy. The consciousness has some purification that it requires, 0:06:51.400 --> 0:06:54.400 and so when we put our everything into something that 0:06:54.520 --> 0:06:57.599 is fallible, it is bound to let us down. But 0:06:57.720 --> 0:07:01.680 when we think it's infallible, we are programming ourselves to 0:07:01.760 --> 0:07:04.120 believe that, well, this person's by everything, they will never 0:07:04.200 --> 0:07:07.000 let me down. But they will, So we set ourselves 0:07:07.080 --> 0:07:11.320 up for disappointment. We set ourselves up for being disheartened 0:07:12.240 --> 0:07:17.400 and feeling dejected. So instead of making someone you're everything, 0:07:18.320 --> 0:07:25.520 instead of making someone the most significant person, make them important, 0:07:26.560 --> 0:07:31.160 make them feel loved, but don't lose yourself in the process. 0:07:31.640 --> 0:07:34.240 How do you practically do that? First of all, you 0:07:34.320 --> 0:07:38.800 have your routines that are yours, your rituals, your routines 0:07:39.200 --> 0:07:42.400 that are you by yourself. Do you know what it 0:07:42.480 --> 0:07:44.400 is that you enjoy to do by yourself? Or you 0:07:44.480 --> 0:07:47.080 keep doing that? The second thing is you have your 0:07:47.080 --> 0:07:50.520 passions and purpose to pursue. You don't trade your passion 0:07:50.560 --> 0:07:53.040 and purpose. You continue to search, you continue to seek, 0:07:54.040 --> 0:07:56.400 because otherwise, in a few years, maybe even in a 0:07:56.400 --> 0:07:59.240 few months, you're going to feel that that person held 0:07:59.280 --> 0:08:02.760 you back from your purpose, that they blocked you. Your 0:08:03.120 --> 0:08:07.520 fascination with them being everything now makes you feel like 0:08:07.560 --> 0:08:11.200 they've kept everything from you. I hope this is resonating. 0:08:12.000 --> 0:08:15.040 I hope you can see how serious I am. Mistake 0:08:15.120 --> 0:08:18.600 number two that we make in love and relationships is 0:08:18.840 --> 0:08:23.280 you're with someone for who they could be, not who 0:08:23.320 --> 0:08:25.200 they are. I was speaking to a friend the other 0:08:25.280 --> 0:08:28.960 day and they said, well, you know, if if I 0:08:29.160 --> 0:08:31.920 dressed him differently, and you know, if I you know, 0:08:32.000 --> 0:08:33.800 if you know, if you spent a bit of time 0:08:33.800 --> 0:08:35.320 with him, and you know, we got in the right 0:08:35.360 --> 0:08:37.240 shoes and got in the right shirt, like you know, 0:08:37.320 --> 0:08:39.960 he's he could look really good. Oh you know, actually 0:08:40.040 --> 0:08:43.160 I really feel like if he applied himself, if he 0:08:43.200 --> 0:08:47.040 applied himself, wow, he would just be successful. You know. 0:08:47.080 --> 0:08:51.080 I really think that she could be great if she 0:08:51.280 --> 0:08:56.920 was able to stop, you know, being that way. Notice 0:08:57.000 --> 0:08:59.880 how you see potential in someone, and that's a beautiful thing. 0:09:00.800 --> 0:09:04.280 Seeing potential in someone is actually one of the greatest 0:09:04.320 --> 0:09:08.960 gifts you can give them, the challenges that you have 0:09:09.080 --> 0:09:12.520 to be with them for who they are, not who 0:09:12.559 --> 0:09:17.000 they could be. Unless unless you're willing to be patient 0:09:17.640 --> 0:09:20.400 and willing to be wrong. If you're willing to be 0:09:20.440 --> 0:09:23.000 patient and willing to be wrong, you can live in 0:09:23.080 --> 0:09:27.360 daydream land and imagination land forever. But if you are 0:09:27.400 --> 0:09:29.320 someone who's with someone for who they could be, and 0:09:29.360 --> 0:09:31.960 you're constantly trying to make them more organized, you're trying 0:09:32.000 --> 0:09:34.720 to make them more disciplined, you're trying to make them 0:09:34.720 --> 0:09:37.960 more focused, then you're not with them for who they are, 0:09:38.000 --> 0:09:41.080 and they're going to feel that. And by the way, 0:09:41.200 --> 0:09:44.600 as times gone on, I've realized that there's more to 0:09:44.679 --> 0:09:48.720 love in others than their productivity. There's more to love 0:09:48.760 --> 0:09:51.840 in others than their organization or focus. There's more to 0:09:51.960 --> 0:09:56.040 love in others than their ambition. Sometimes it's their lack 0:09:56.080 --> 0:10:01.400 of ambition that makes them lovable. Sometimes it's their simplicity 0:10:01.520 --> 0:10:04.160 that makes them likable. Now, of course you have to 0:10:04.160 --> 0:10:06.040 be attracted to that and you have to work through that. 0:10:07.000 --> 0:10:08.880 But I just want to put that out there as 0:10:08.880 --> 0:10:14.280 a consideration, as a reflection point, as something to meditate on. 0:10:15.240 --> 0:10:20.880 I think that is an interesting way to think about it. Now, 0:10:21.760 --> 0:10:23.760 when I say you're with someone for who they could be, 0:10:23.840 --> 0:10:27.000 not who they are, what ends up happening is you 0:10:27.040 --> 0:10:31.000 often take it upon you to become their guide, their coach, 0:10:31.160 --> 0:10:36.000 their savior, their director, And what ends up happening there is, 0:10:36.240 --> 0:10:38.959 ultimately they try to live up. If you're lucky, they 0:10:39.000 --> 0:10:41.120 try to live up to the version you want them 0:10:41.160 --> 0:10:43.080 to be, or they move away and give up because 0:10:43.120 --> 0:10:45.400 they don't want to be that person and they feel 0:10:46.200 --> 0:10:52.840 minimized by your mentorship. If someone's feeling minimized by your mentorship, 0:10:52.920 --> 0:10:54.839 chances are that they're saying, this is where I want 0:10:54.840 --> 0:10:58.880 to live, this is who I am now. Sometimes people 0:10:58.960 --> 0:11:01.760 under your mentorship may, even for a short period of time, 0:11:01.800 --> 0:11:04.560 believe they can I had this happened recently with a 0:11:04.559 --> 0:11:08.560 couple that I was coaching, where one of them, for 0:11:08.600 --> 0:11:14.199 six months applied or appealed to believe that they could 0:11:14.200 --> 0:11:17.520 become this new vision of themselves and they were almost 0:11:17.640 --> 0:11:20.120 enamored and attracted to it as well. But six months 0:11:20.200 --> 0:11:22.760 later they climbed back into their whole of comfort out 0:11:22.800 --> 0:11:27.120 of fear of discomfort of having to be something more. Ultimately, 0:11:27.200 --> 0:11:35.719 that borrowed belief couldn't lead to bold internal belief. And 0:11:35.760 --> 0:11:38.120 that's the interesting thing about borrowed belief that at one 0:11:38.160 --> 0:11:42.760 point borrowed belief has to turn into self investment, and 0:11:42.840 --> 0:11:46.560 they borrowed belief cannot evolve into self investment if the 0:11:46.600 --> 0:11:49.960 individual isn't ready to put into work. What's almost like 0:11:50.040 --> 0:11:53.040 borrowed money. If I give you money to start a business, 0:11:53.160 --> 0:11:55.640 if that money is invested correctly, it could become more 0:11:55.640 --> 0:11:57.960 money in your money, and you can even pay back 0:11:58.000 --> 0:12:01.640 the person that you borrowed money from. Similarly, with borrowed belief, 0:12:01.679 --> 0:12:04.080 if you invest that belief correctly, you can create an 0:12:04.000 --> 0:12:07.439 amazing belief that is yours. But if you just use 0:12:07.559 --> 0:12:12.080 borrowed belief to spend, to waste, to feel good for 0:12:12.120 --> 0:12:17.040 a few moments, it's not long lasting. And so for 0:12:17.080 --> 0:12:20.120 six months, maybe three, maybe nine, you may feel the 0:12:21.240 --> 0:12:24.520 borrowed belief give you faith and strength, but you have 0:12:24.600 --> 0:12:28.199 to always see if that belief becomes theirs. I remember 0:12:28.240 --> 0:12:35.000 a friend who had become religiously inspired, and he met 0:12:35.120 --> 0:12:41.400 someone who also, through him, became religiously inspired. And the 0:12:41.480 --> 0:12:43.800 question I asked him is is she doing it for 0:12:43.840 --> 0:12:47.880 you or is she doing it for her. If she's 0:12:47.880 --> 0:12:50.120 doing it for you, it may run out, it may change, 0:12:50.120 --> 0:12:51.960 it may be skewed. If she's doing it for her. 0:12:52.440 --> 0:12:59.079 That's beautiful, and some real discernment required here, because if 0:12:59.120 --> 0:13:03.679 someone's trying to become better for you, they might become 0:13:03.760 --> 0:13:07.360 bitter because of you. Right, If someone's trying to become 0:13:07.400 --> 0:13:10.199 better for you, they might become bitter because of you, 0:13:10.840 --> 0:13:13.360 And so you have to really think about that. Are 0:13:13.400 --> 0:13:16.520 you staying here because you're patient and detached or are 0:13:16.520 --> 0:13:20.600 you staying here because you're hoping for change. The third 0:13:20.640 --> 0:13:24.839 mistake we make in love and relationships is you stay 0:13:24.880 --> 0:13:28.760 too long because you're scared of being the bad person. 0:13:28.880 --> 0:13:33.280 You're a people pleaser, and you're scared of being perceived 0:13:33.960 --> 0:13:38.720 as uncaring. I know too many people who stay in 0:13:38.760 --> 0:13:43.480 relationships for far too long just because they don't want 0:13:43.520 --> 0:13:45.559 to be seen as bad. And then even when they 0:13:45.760 --> 0:13:49.040 end it, they try and stay involved in the other 0:13:49.120 --> 0:13:54.280 person's life because they're too scared of taking the responsibility 0:13:54.320 --> 0:13:57.760 to say it's truly over. And that way they make 0:13:57.800 --> 0:14:01.160 themselves feel better about themselves that they haven't abandon someone, 0:14:01.600 --> 0:14:04.520 But they don't realize that the abandonment the person experiences 0:14:04.559 --> 0:14:08.680 is even worse because they have access, but they're abandoned. 0:14:09.200 --> 0:14:13.559 Being abandoned is better than having access and being abandoned really, 0:14:14.360 --> 0:14:18.079 because in full abandonment, you try to find your own feet, 0:14:18.120 --> 0:14:19.920 but when you still feel you have access, you're still 0:14:19.960 --> 0:14:22.440 teased into believing that someone is still there for you, 0:14:22.480 --> 0:14:27.440 that someone is still around. So in this scenario, in 0:14:27.480 --> 0:14:32.480 this situation, if you've been stringing someone along when deep 0:14:32.520 --> 0:14:35.560 down in your heart, deep down in your heart, you 0:14:35.720 --> 0:14:40.040 know that it's not going anywhere, but you're so scared 0:14:40.080 --> 0:14:42.240 of telling them it's over because you don't want to 0:14:42.240 --> 0:14:47.160 be perceived as a person who hurts people, So you 0:14:47.200 --> 0:14:50.160 stay longer and longer and longer, only one day to 0:14:50.280 --> 0:14:54.000 decide that it truly has to end. And now the 0:14:54.040 --> 0:14:56.160 person feels confused. They say, well, you just told me 0:14:56.240 --> 0:14:58.360 last week that you loved me. I believe that we 0:14:58.360 --> 0:15:00.800 were going somewhere because you've never said this to me, 0:15:02.120 --> 0:15:04.640 And in your heart, you've all long been plotting and 0:15:04.720 --> 0:15:11.360 planning this moment of peril for them, but they've only 0:15:11.400 --> 0:15:15.880 been expecting a proposal. If you know there is no 0:15:16.040 --> 0:15:19.280 future with someone, tell them as soon as you know. 0:15:20.040 --> 0:15:24.080 If you're experiencing this feeling that you don't want to 0:15:24.120 --> 0:15:26.000 be seen as a bad person, that's why you stay 0:15:26.040 --> 0:15:29.720 with someone. Be honest with yourself. You're going to hurt 0:15:29.760 --> 0:15:32.160 them more. You're going to hurt them in the short 0:15:32.240 --> 0:15:34.520 term when you end it, but you're going to hurt 0:15:34.560 --> 0:15:36.680 them far more in the long term if you keep 0:15:36.720 --> 0:15:39.480 it going. If someone has been with you for six 0:15:39.520 --> 0:15:41.400 months or twelve months or twenty four months and you 0:15:41.600 --> 0:15:43.600 end it and they have to find their own way, 0:15:43.640 --> 0:15:45.360 they'll figure it out. But if you do that after 0:15:45.440 --> 0:15:48.240 five years or eight years or ten years, boy, it's 0:15:48.240 --> 0:15:50.800 going to cause them a lot more pain. Or The 0:15:50.840 --> 0:15:54.760 fourth mistake we make in love is we try to 0:15:54.760 --> 0:15:59.200 trade time with our partners instead of creating new experiences. 0:16:00.240 --> 0:16:02.000 One of the biggest challenges we have is when we 0:16:02.040 --> 0:16:05.400 come to a relationship, it's like we almost already have 0:16:06.360 --> 0:16:09.280 who we are, they have who they are, and then 0:16:09.320 --> 0:16:11.040 we try and trade what we like about that. So 0:16:11.040 --> 0:16:12.880 we're like, okay, well, if you come to the football 0:16:12.920 --> 0:16:15.560 game with me, then I'll go to that dinner with you. 0:16:15.880 --> 0:16:19.680 If you come to the party and my friends, then 0:16:19.760 --> 0:16:21.920 I'll sit and watch a game with you. Right Like, 0:16:22.200 --> 0:16:25.440 it's all about trading time, and now both people are 0:16:25.480 --> 0:16:28.040 doing things they don't want to do half of the time. 0:16:28.920 --> 0:16:33.920 Whereas what's beautiful is when in a relationship, you create 0:16:34.120 --> 0:16:38.640 a new set of values, activities, rituals, and routines that 0:16:38.720 --> 0:16:41.440 you do together. So you have your own rituals and 0:16:41.520 --> 0:16:44.680 routines which you don't force someone to become a part of. 0:16:44.760 --> 0:16:47.800 You don't make that person have to understand you through that. 0:16:48.080 --> 0:16:52.160 You create something new together. It's like creating a child. 0:16:52.200 --> 0:16:54.600 And people often complain they're like they want their child 0:16:54.640 --> 0:16:56.360 to be more like them or be raised like how 0:16:56.400 --> 0:16:59.360 they were raised. But when you create something together, you 0:16:59.400 --> 0:17:02.000 have to find a new way to raise it, and 0:17:02.080 --> 0:17:06.439 that includes the relationship and it also includes the children 0:17:06.520 --> 0:17:11.200 in reality, and so this is something to really think about. 0:17:12.400 --> 0:17:15.040 You know, stop trying to make the other person be 0:17:15.160 --> 0:17:17.119 more like you or do what you do. Try and 0:17:17.200 --> 0:17:21.880 focus on creating something new together, new rituals, new routines, 0:17:21.960 --> 0:17:23.600 not trying to make them do your routines and you're 0:17:23.600 --> 0:17:28.399 trying to do their routines. Mistake number five is pretty 0:17:28.440 --> 0:17:30.679 much along the same lines. You want someone to like 0:17:30.840 --> 0:17:33.000 what you like, but it's a bit deeper in the 0:17:33.040 --> 0:17:35.399 sense that not only are you now trading time, you 0:17:35.440 --> 0:17:37.720 actually want them to like what you like. So you're like, well, 0:17:37.760 --> 0:17:39.800 I'm so passionate about my business. Why don't you get 0:17:39.800 --> 0:17:42.480 excited about it for me? You love me, so you 0:17:42.520 --> 0:17:45.919 should get excited for me. If you really loved me, 0:17:46.000 --> 0:17:48.720 then you would like the same things that I like. 0:17:48.760 --> 0:17:51.760 Why don't you like going out to buy art? Why 0:17:51.760 --> 0:17:55.360 don't you like going out to shop for this and 0:17:55.400 --> 0:17:57.280 that for the house? Why don't you like it? Because 0:17:57.320 --> 0:18:01.200 I care about it? It's rare for partners to care 0:18:01.240 --> 0:18:04.800 about what you care about, but they can care about you, 0:18:05.880 --> 0:18:08.760 and that you care about it is beautiful. Do they 0:18:08.840 --> 0:18:12.520 care enough to let you make time for what you 0:18:12.560 --> 0:18:16.000 care about? That's where the care needs to be directed. 0:18:16.359 --> 0:18:19.119 We want our partner to care about what we care about. 0:18:19.160 --> 0:18:22.160 The question is do they let you care about it? 0:18:22.960 --> 0:18:24.840 Do they care that you care about it and they 0:18:24.920 --> 0:18:27.119 let you do it? But it doesn't have to be 0:18:27.160 --> 0:18:29.439 something that they have to care about. Otherwise you're basically 0:18:29.480 --> 0:18:32.240 saying that someone has to develop a whole new set 0:18:32.280 --> 0:18:35.880 of values and care to be in a relationship with you, 0:18:36.600 --> 0:18:39.800 which is actually quite a big things to ask. Right, 0:18:39.840 --> 0:18:42.000 So I grew up caring about certain things and Raley 0:18:42.040 --> 0:18:43.440 grew up caring about certain things. Now if I have 0:18:43.480 --> 0:18:45.920 to care about everything she cares about, that's actually not 0:18:46.080 --> 0:18:50.800 likely or realistic. She loves and adores food and vegetables 0:18:50.800 --> 0:18:54.800 and understanding nutrition and diets and plans, and I love 0:18:54.840 --> 0:18:58.800 that she loves that, but I can't love it. Mistake 0:18:58.880 --> 0:19:04.879 number six is you don't take the time to understand 0:19:04.960 --> 0:19:08.400 why they are the way they are. We jump to conclusions, 0:19:08.800 --> 0:19:13.080 we make assumptions. But how many of us beyond knowing 0:19:13.320 --> 0:19:15.600 you know what people like to eat, and what kind 0:19:15.600 --> 0:19:18.800 of movies they like, and what sports team they support, like, 0:19:18.920 --> 0:19:21.640 how many of us have really dived deep into how 0:19:21.640 --> 0:19:23.720 our partners are the way they are, maybe how their 0:19:23.760 --> 0:19:27.320 parenting was, maybe the experiences that they had growing up 0:19:27.359 --> 0:19:29.520 that formed them. Have we ever sat down to ask 0:19:29.600 --> 0:19:33.920 them really and truly how they got to where they 0:19:33.960 --> 0:19:39.680 got to Because for so many people, for so many 0:19:39.760 --> 0:19:42.640 individuals in a relationship, we make a mistake but not 0:19:42.720 --> 0:19:46.360 knowing because we actually find it harder to understand them. 0:19:46.960 --> 0:19:49.679 Right If we haven't taken the time to understand their past, 0:19:50.320 --> 0:19:52.760 we're going to struggle to understand how they act in 0:19:52.800 --> 0:19:55.520 the present. Usually we judge people for their choices now, 0:19:55.880 --> 0:20:00.240 but their choices now are based on experiences of the part. 0:20:01.040 --> 0:20:03.119 So you're taking it personal and you're saying, well, if 0:20:03.119 --> 0:20:04.520 you don't want to do this, then that means you 0:20:04.520 --> 0:20:06.239 don't want to be with me, or you don't love me, 0:20:06.359 --> 0:20:08.560 or I'm not important to you. But that may not 0:20:08.640 --> 0:20:11.919 be the case. And if you've taken the time to 0:20:12.000 --> 0:20:15.440 understand them, to delineate why they are the way they are, 0:20:16.359 --> 0:20:19.840 you have a much better chance of responding correctly in 0:20:19.880 --> 0:20:25.520 the present without making everything personal. Right, this one's a 0:20:25.560 --> 0:20:27.840 deep one. How many of you right now and making notes? 0:20:27.920 --> 0:20:31.200 I want you to take a screenshot right now because 0:20:31.680 --> 0:20:33.800 this one's been a deep one. I've really been letting loose. 0:20:33.840 --> 0:20:36.920 These are there's some bars of this one right, and 0:20:37.040 --> 0:20:39.200 it's just coming out because I see so much pain 0:20:39.720 --> 0:20:45.959 through expectations, through not really loving like love means you know, 0:20:46.119 --> 0:20:49.920 understanding someone, And this is yeah, I hope this is helping. 0:20:49.920 --> 0:20:54.679 I really really hope it's helping. So Number seven, one 0:20:54.680 --> 0:20:56.600 of the biggest mistakes we're make in love and relationships 0:20:56.680 --> 0:20:58.919 is you talk to too many people in a relationship 0:20:59.400 --> 0:21:01.800 and you don't talk to the person in the relationship. 0:21:02.080 --> 0:21:04.560 I see this all the time. When we have an issue, 0:21:04.560 --> 0:21:06.639 we go to everyone else for advice rather than figuring 0:21:06.640 --> 0:21:08.600 out with that person. Who's the only person who can 0:21:08.600 --> 0:21:11.480 actually impact that relationship. Now, I'm not saying don't ask 0:21:11.480 --> 0:21:13.920 for advice or don't get insight. I'm just saying that 0:21:14.240 --> 0:21:16.480 a lot of the challenges can be solved with each 0:21:16.480 --> 0:21:20.320 other rather than outside of each other, because people outside 0:21:20.320 --> 0:21:22.520 of you don't have the same context. They don't have 0:21:22.560 --> 0:21:26.159 the same awareness, they don't have the same plans, desires, thoughts. 0:21:26.160 --> 0:21:28.880 They don't know any of that. And they also don't 0:21:28.880 --> 0:21:31.119 know what you really like about this person. They are 0:21:31.160 --> 0:21:34.240 only basing it on what they see through you. And 0:21:34.280 --> 0:21:36.760 what they see through you is the subjective experience that 0:21:36.800 --> 0:21:42.560 you constantly project onto them. So talk to the person 0:21:43.200 --> 0:21:46.280 about the problem, and if that person doesn't want to 0:21:46.280 --> 0:21:50.440 talk about the problem, find out why what is blocking them, 0:21:50.880 --> 0:21:53.119 don't blame them, and then go talk to someone else. 0:21:54.000 --> 0:21:56.560 If you're in a relationship with someone, take the time 0:21:56.640 --> 0:22:01.000 be patient enough to understand why conflict triggers them, why 0:22:01.080 --> 0:22:04.840 they avoid having these deep, meaningful, important conversations, and if 0:22:04.840 --> 0:22:08.040 they keep being disregarding it, then fair enough it may 0:22:08.080 --> 0:22:09.800 be time for you to move on. But the truth 0:22:09.960 --> 0:22:12.399 is that talking to everyone else about it while you 0:22:12.520 --> 0:22:17.760 suffer the disconnecting the relationship doesn't solve it either. Number 0:22:17.800 --> 0:22:22.760 eight is you're mad at them for the sacrifices you 0:22:22.960 --> 0:22:28.000 made without them asking for it. Often we make sacrifices 0:22:28.040 --> 0:22:30.480 because we think we're in love. We make compromises because 0:22:30.520 --> 0:22:33.800 we think we're in love. We go against our own 0:22:33.880 --> 0:22:36.560 selves because we want to show we are loving and 0:22:36.720 --> 0:22:39.000 be loving, and maybe we love them and we think 0:22:39.000 --> 0:22:41.479 this is how to show love. And then later on 0:22:41.560 --> 0:22:44.320 we get mad at those people. We make them feel 0:22:44.400 --> 0:22:47.439 guilty because we did all these things for them and 0:22:47.480 --> 0:22:49.920 now they're not reciprocating or they didn't value it, but 0:22:49.960 --> 0:22:52.480 they never asked for it. A big part of this 0:22:52.600 --> 0:22:54.520 is figuring out what it means to be in love. 0:22:54.640 --> 0:22:57.399 Love doesn't mean to compromise who you are. Love doesn't 0:22:57.440 --> 0:23:00.600 mean to sacrifice things that are meaningful to you. That's 0:23:00.640 --> 0:23:08.360 not love. Love means you are loving from a place 0:23:09.359 --> 0:23:12.640 where you still love yourself. One of the biggest ones 0:23:12.640 --> 0:23:14.480 where I think about this is when I think about Radi. 0:23:14.640 --> 0:23:17.639 Radi sacrifice living close to her parents when we moved 0:23:17.760 --> 0:23:20.640 to the United States, and I've always thought about that. 0:23:21.240 --> 0:23:23.240 I've always thought, how did Radley do it, Why did 0:23:23.280 --> 0:23:26.080 she do it? What made her do it, and she'll 0:23:26.119 --> 0:23:29.000 answer that question with many things like we just got married, 0:23:29.080 --> 0:23:33.160 Like I, you know, was scared, but I was open 0:23:33.240 --> 0:23:36.080 to it. Or maybe I just was sad every day, 0:23:36.080 --> 0:23:38.439 but I felt that we were creating something together and 0:23:38.480 --> 0:23:39.840