1 00:00:00,600 --> 00:00:02,560 Speaker 1: Don't make sacrifices for people if you're going to make 2 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:04,359 Speaker 1: them pay for it, because then it's not a sacrifice. 3 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:08,840 Speaker 1: Then it's a transaction. Right. Don't give people discounts if 4 00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:11,479 Speaker 1: you're then going to ask for payment, because then it 5 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:14,720 Speaker 1: wasn't a discount. Does that make sense? If you say 6 00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:16,799 Speaker 1: I did all of this for you, but now I 7 00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:18,720 Speaker 1: want you to pay it back, then you didn't really 8 00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:21,320 Speaker 1: do it for them. You did it for you. And 9 00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:22,880 Speaker 1: I'm not saying you have to do anything for someone, 10 00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:24,279 Speaker 1: but I'm saying if you are going to do it, 11 00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:32,720 Speaker 1: then this is how you want to think about. Hey, everyone, 12 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:35,320 Speaker 1: welcome back to our purpose the number on a health 13 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:37,760 Speaker 1: podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single 14 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:40,240 Speaker 1: one of you that come back every week to listen, 15 00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:43,640 Speaker 1: learn and grow. Now, whether you're walking your dog, whether 16 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:47,720 Speaker 1: you are editing, whether you're cooking, whether you're driving, whether 17 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:50,200 Speaker 1: you're walking, whatever it is that you're doing right now, 18 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:52,800 Speaker 1: thank you for being here, Thank you for trust to me, 19 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:55,600 Speaker 1: thank you for giving me your ears, giving me your time. 20 00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:59,320 Speaker 1: I'm so grateful. As always, I would always, always, always 21 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:02,320 Speaker 1: be grateful to each and every one of you, And 22 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:05,440 Speaker 1: as always I cannot wait till I finally get to 23 00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:07,160 Speaker 1: meet you. So I just want to say I have 24 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:09,920 Speaker 1: been loving your Instagram post recently. I've been seeing the 25 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:13,160 Speaker 1: podcast everywhere and it makes my day. Some of you 26 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:15,600 Speaker 1: are going back to the older episodes as well, and 27 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:17,600 Speaker 1: I was thinking about it just this year. We've had 28 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:21,919 Speaker 1: some incredible guests, everyone from Jennifer Lopez through to Alicia Keys, 29 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:26,200 Speaker 1: through to Will Smith, Big Sean jene Ico. It has 30 00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:29,319 Speaker 1: been a phenomenal year. But what to speak about the 31 00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:32,959 Speaker 1: years before. We've had Yuval Noah Harari, the author of Sapiens. 32 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:38,720 Speaker 1: We've had the incredible Kobe Bryant Rest in Peace. We've 33 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:43,840 Speaker 1: had the amazing thoughts and insight from thinkers like Ray Dalio. 34 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:47,000 Speaker 1: It has been phenomenal what's been going on in the 35 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,960 Speaker 1: last two years, and I just want to thank you 36 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,040 Speaker 1: for being here. Make sure you go back listen to 37 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:54,400 Speaker 1: someone over the holidays. And I am so excited to 38 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:57,080 Speaker 1: be talking to you today. I can't believe it. My 39 00:01:57,280 --> 00:02:01,000 Speaker 1: new book Eight Rules of Love is out and I 40 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:04,120 Speaker 1: cannot wait to share it with you. I am so 41 00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:06,480 Speaker 1: so excited for you to read this book, for you 42 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:08,920 Speaker 1: to listen to this book. I read the audiobook. If 43 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:11,560 Speaker 1: you haven't got it already, make sure you go to 44 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:15,480 Speaker 1: eight Rules of Love dot com. It's dedicated to anyone 45 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:18,760 Speaker 1: who's trying to find, keep, or let go of love. 46 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:21,760 Speaker 1: So if you've got friends that are dating, broken up, 47 00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:24,600 Speaker 1: or struggling with love, make sure you grab this book. 48 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:26,920 Speaker 1: And I'd love to invite you to come and see 49 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:30,720 Speaker 1: me for my global tour Love Rules. Go to Jay 50 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:36,120 Speaker 1: Shettytour dot com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences, 51 00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:38,720 Speaker 1: and more. I can't wait to see you this year. 52 00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:42,560 Speaker 1: And today we're talking about the nine mistakes we make 53 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:46,840 Speaker 1: in relationships, the nine mistakes we make in love and relationships. 54 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:48,640 Speaker 1: This is for each and every one of you, whether 55 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:53,680 Speaker 1: you're in a relationship, whether you are single, whether you 56 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:56,680 Speaker 1: just broke up. This is one of those episodes that 57 00:02:56,720 --> 00:02:58,680 Speaker 1: I think you're going to share with friends, you're going 58 00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:00,240 Speaker 1: to keep coming back to. I feel like a lot 59 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:01,720 Speaker 1: of you are going to listen to what I say 60 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:04,000 Speaker 1: today and then be passing it on to other people 61 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:07,080 Speaker 1: in your life, because these mistakes are mistakes we make 62 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,280 Speaker 1: again and again, and no matter how much we hear them, 63 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:12,280 Speaker 1: no matter how much we learn them, when we find 64 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:18,160 Speaker 1: someone new, when it feels fresh again, we forget. It's 65 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:23,320 Speaker 1: amazing how when things feel fresh, we forget. It's amazing 66 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:27,720 Speaker 1: how when we're experiencing lost or chemistry, we forget the 67 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:33,240 Speaker 1: lessons that we learned from previous connections. I don't want 68 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:35,880 Speaker 1: you to forget them. I don't want to forget them. 69 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:39,400 Speaker 1: And these come from coaching conversations I have, They come 70 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:42,760 Speaker 1: from clients, They come from friends and family members that 71 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:47,120 Speaker 1: I speak to about relationships. So the first mistake we 72 00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:53,240 Speaker 1: make in love and relationships is we make someone our everything. 73 00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:59,560 Speaker 1: We make that person our purpose, we make them our passion. 74 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:04,880 Speaker 1: But here's the thing. A person cannot be your passion. 75 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:10,680 Speaker 1: A person cannot be your purpose. Your purpose is not 76 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:15,200 Speaker 1: a person. You can love a person, you can admire them, 77 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:20,320 Speaker 1: you can enjoy time with them, you can appreciate them deeply, 78 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:24,640 Speaker 1: but your purpose and passion are separate. And when we 79 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:31,719 Speaker 1: make someone our everything, we lose ourselves. We lose parts 80 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:35,359 Speaker 1: of ourselves that we haven't even found yet. When you 81 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:40,120 Speaker 1: make someone your everything, the reason it's a mistake is 82 00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:45,040 Speaker 1: because your everything is now dependent on an independent mind. 83 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:48,880 Speaker 1: Think about that for a second. The reason it's a 84 00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:54,760 Speaker 1: mistake is because your happiness your joy is now dependent 85 00:04:55,320 --> 00:05:02,200 Speaker 1: on an independent mind, body, and consciousness. Now they're independence, 86 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:11,599 Speaker 1: rules your feelings, their choices, decipher your mood, their behavior 87 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:16,880 Speaker 1: and approach. Inflict pain or pleasure onto how you feel 88 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:21,719 Speaker 1: on any given day. Give the remote control to your 89 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:26,280 Speaker 1: heart and emotions to this individual. They didn't ask for it, 90 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:30,120 Speaker 1: they didn't take it from you, they didn't force you, 91 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:34,240 Speaker 1: but you gave it. You gave it away. And when 92 00:05:34,279 --> 00:05:40,680 Speaker 1: you make them your everything, you lose everything else. Someone 93 00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:44,720 Speaker 1: can be important to you, but there's a difference when 94 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:49,000 Speaker 1: you make them your everything. When you cancel plans, you 95 00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:54,680 Speaker 1: change friends, you shift your whole entire being. The other 96 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:57,600 Speaker 1: challenges is that a lot of this comes from our 97 00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:01,880 Speaker 1: search almost in a divine in a way. We're looking 98 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:07,520 Speaker 1: for divinity in humanity. We're looking for that divine godlike individual, 99 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:10,919 Speaker 1: whether we're religious or not. We're looking for that individual 100 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:17,560 Speaker 1: who is infallible, that person who's omniscient, the person who 101 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:20,760 Speaker 1: knows what we're thinking and how we're feeling. We're looking 102 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:25,800 Speaker 1: for that divine individual looking for divinity and humanity, and 103 00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:30,160 Speaker 1: what does that leave us with insecurity and anxiety? When 104 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:33,680 Speaker 1: you look for divinity and humanity, you're left with insecurity 105 00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:40,279 Speaker 1: and anxiety. Because there is divinity within humanity, but it's 106 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:45,120 Speaker 1: not the complete divinity, because it's covered over, it's muddy, 107 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:51,360 Speaker 1: it's messy. The consciousness has some purification that it requires, 108 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,400 Speaker 1: and so when we put our everything into something that 109 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:57,599 Speaker 1: is fallible, it is bound to let us down. But 110 00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:01,680 Speaker 1: when we think it's infallible, we are programming ourselves to 111 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,120 Speaker 1: believe that, well, this person's by everything, they will never 112 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:07,000 Speaker 1: let me down. But they will, So we set ourselves 113 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:11,320 Speaker 1: up for disappointment. We set ourselves up for being disheartened 114 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:17,400 Speaker 1: and feeling dejected. So instead of making someone you're everything, 115 00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:25,520 Speaker 1: instead of making someone the most significant person, make them important, 116 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:31,160 Speaker 1: make them feel loved, but don't lose yourself in the process. 117 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:34,240 Speaker 1: How do you practically do that? First of all, you 118 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:38,800 Speaker 1: have your routines that are yours, your rituals, your routines 119 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:42,400 Speaker 1: that are you by yourself. Do you know what it 120 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:44,400 Speaker 1: is that you enjoy to do by yourself? Or you 121 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,080 Speaker 1: keep doing that? The second thing is you have your 122 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:50,520 Speaker 1: passions and purpose to pursue. You don't trade your passion 123 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:53,040 Speaker 1: and purpose. You continue to search, you continue to seek, 124 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:56,400 Speaker 1: because otherwise, in a few years, maybe even in a 125 00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:59,240 Speaker 1: few months, you're going to feel that that person held 126 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:02,760 Speaker 1: you back from your purpose, that they blocked you. Your 127 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:07,520 Speaker 1: fascination with them being everything now makes you feel like 128 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:11,200 Speaker 1: they've kept everything from you. I hope this is resonating. 129 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:15,040 Speaker 1: I hope you can see how serious I am. Mistake 130 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:18,600 Speaker 1: number two that we make in love and relationships is 131 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:23,280 Speaker 1: you're with someone for who they could be, not who 132 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,200 Speaker 1: they are. I was speaking to a friend the other 133 00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:28,960 Speaker 1: day and they said, well, you know, if if I 134 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:31,920 Speaker 1: dressed him differently, and you know, if I you know, 135 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,800 Speaker 1: if you know, if you spent a bit of time 136 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:35,320 Speaker 1: with him, and you know, we got in the right 137 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:37,240 Speaker 1: shoes and got in the right shirt, like you know, 138 00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:39,960 Speaker 1: he's he could look really good. Oh you know, actually 139 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:43,160 Speaker 1: I really feel like if he applied himself, if he 140 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:47,040 Speaker 1: applied himself, wow, he would just be successful. You know. 141 00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:51,080 Speaker 1: I really think that she could be great if she 142 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:56,920 Speaker 1: was able to stop, you know, being that way. Notice 143 00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,880 Speaker 1: how you see potential in someone, and that's a beautiful thing. 144 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:04,280 Speaker 1: Seeing potential in someone is actually one of the greatest 145 00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:08,960 Speaker 1: gifts you can give them, the challenges that you have 146 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:12,520 Speaker 1: to be with them for who they are, not who 147 00:09:12,559 --> 00:09:17,000 Speaker 1: they could be. Unless unless you're willing to be patient 148 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,400 Speaker 1: and willing to be wrong. If you're willing to be 149 00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:23,000 Speaker 1: patient and willing to be wrong, you can live in 150 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:27,360 Speaker 1: daydream land and imagination land forever. But if you are 151 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,320 Speaker 1: someone who's with someone for who they could be, and 152 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,960 Speaker 1: you're constantly trying to make them more organized, you're trying 153 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:34,720 Speaker 1: to make them more disciplined, you're trying to make them 154 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:37,960 Speaker 1: more focused, then you're not with them for who they are, 155 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:41,080 Speaker 1: and they're going to feel that. And by the way, 156 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:44,600 Speaker 1: as times gone on, I've realized that there's more to 157 00:09:44,679 --> 00:09:48,720 Speaker 1: love in others than their productivity. There's more to love 158 00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:51,840 Speaker 1: in others than their organization or focus. There's more to 159 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:56,040 Speaker 1: love in others than their ambition. Sometimes it's their lack 160 00:09:56,080 --> 00:10:01,400 Speaker 1: of ambition that makes them lovable. Sometimes it's their simplicity 161 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:04,160 Speaker 1: that makes them likable. Now, of course you have to 162 00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:06,040 Speaker 1: be attracted to that and you have to work through that. 163 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,880 Speaker 1: But I just want to put that out there as 164 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:14,280 Speaker 1: a consideration, as a reflection point, as something to meditate on. 165 00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:20,880 Speaker 1: I think that is an interesting way to think about it. Now, 166 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:23,760 Speaker 1: when I say you're with someone for who they could be, 167 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:27,000 Speaker 1: not who they are, what ends up happening is you 168 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:31,000 Speaker 1: often take it upon you to become their guide, their coach, 169 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:36,000 Speaker 1: their savior, their director, And what ends up happening there is, 170 00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:38,959 Speaker 1: ultimately they try to live up. If you're lucky, they 171 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,120 Speaker 1: try to live up to the version you want them 172 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:43,080 Speaker 1: to be, or they move away and give up because 173 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,400 Speaker 1: they don't want to be that person and they feel 174 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:52,840 Speaker 1: minimized by your mentorship. If someone's feeling minimized by your mentorship, 175 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:54,839 Speaker 1: chances are that they're saying, this is where I want 176 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:58,880 Speaker 1: to live, this is who I am now. Sometimes people 177 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:01,760 Speaker 1: under your mentorship may, even for a short period of time, 178 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:04,560 Speaker 1: believe they can I had this happened recently with a 179 00:11:04,559 --> 00:11:08,560 Speaker 1: couple that I was coaching, where one of them, for 180 00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:14,199 Speaker 1: six months applied or appealed to believe that they could 181 00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:17,520 Speaker 1: become this new vision of themselves and they were almost 182 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:20,120 Speaker 1: enamored and attracted to it as well. But six months 183 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:22,760 Speaker 1: later they climbed back into their whole of comfort out 184 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:27,120 Speaker 1: of fear of discomfort of having to be something more. Ultimately, 185 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:35,719 Speaker 1: that borrowed belief couldn't lead to bold internal belief. And 186 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:38,120 Speaker 1: that's the interesting thing about borrowed belief that at one 187 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:42,760 Speaker 1: point borrowed belief has to turn into self investment, and 188 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:46,560 Speaker 1: they borrowed belief cannot evolve into self investment if the 189 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:49,960 Speaker 1: individual isn't ready to put into work. What's almost like 190 00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:53,040 Speaker 1: borrowed money. If I give you money to start a business, 191 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:55,640 Speaker 1: if that money is invested correctly, it could become more 192 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:57,960 Speaker 1: money in your money, and you can even pay back 193 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:01,640 Speaker 1: the person that you borrowed money from. Similarly, with borrowed belief, 194 00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:04,080 Speaker 1: if you invest that belief correctly, you can create an 195 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:07,439 Speaker 1: amazing belief that is yours. But if you just use 196 00:12:07,559 --> 00:12:12,080 Speaker 1: borrowed belief to spend, to waste, to feel good for 197 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:17,040 Speaker 1: a few moments, it's not long lasting. And so for 198 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:20,120 Speaker 1: six months, maybe three, maybe nine, you may feel the 199 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:24,520 Speaker 1: borrowed belief give you faith and strength, but you have 200 00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:28,199 Speaker 1: to always see if that belief becomes theirs. I remember 201 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:35,000 Speaker 1: a friend who had become religiously inspired, and he met 202 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:41,400 Speaker 1: someone who also, through him, became religiously inspired. And the 203 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:43,800 Speaker 1: question I asked him is is she doing it for 204 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:47,880 Speaker 1: you or is she doing it for her. If she's 205 00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:50,120 Speaker 1: doing it for you, it may run out, it may change, 206 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:51,960 Speaker 1: it may be skewed. If she's doing it for her. 207 00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:59,079 Speaker 1: That's beautiful, and some real discernment required here, because if 208 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:03,679 Speaker 1: someone's trying to become better for you, they might become 209 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:07,360 Speaker 1: bitter because of you. Right, If someone's trying to become 210 00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:10,199 Speaker 1: better for you, they might become bitter because of you, 211 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:13,360 Speaker 1: And so you have to really think about that. Are 212 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:16,520 Speaker 1: you staying here because you're patient and detached or are 213 00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:20,600 Speaker 1: you staying here because you're hoping for change. The third 214 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:24,839 Speaker 1: mistake we make in love and relationships is you stay 215 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:28,760 Speaker 1: too long because you're scared of being the bad person. 216 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:33,280 Speaker 1: You're a people pleaser, and you're scared of being perceived 217 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:38,720 Speaker 1: as uncaring. I know too many people who stay in 218 00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:43,480 Speaker 1: relationships for far too long just because they don't want 219 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,559 Speaker 1: to be seen as bad. And then even when they 220 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:49,040 Speaker 1: end it, they try and stay involved in the other 221 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:54,280 Speaker 1: person's life because they're too scared of taking the responsibility 222 00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:57,760 Speaker 1: to say it's truly over. And that way they make 223 00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:01,160 Speaker 1: themselves feel better about themselves that they haven't abandon someone, 224 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:04,520 Speaker 1: But they don't realize that the abandonment the person experiences 225 00:14:04,559 --> 00:14:08,680 Speaker 1: is even worse because they have access, but they're abandoned. 226 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:13,559 Speaker 1: Being abandoned is better than having access and being abandoned really, 227 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:18,079 Speaker 1: because in full abandonment, you try to find your own feet, 228 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:19,920 Speaker 1: but when you still feel you have access, you're still 229 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,440 Speaker 1: teased into believing that someone is still there for you, 230 00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:27,440 Speaker 1: that someone is still around. So in this scenario, in 231 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:32,480 Speaker 1: this situation, if you've been stringing someone along when deep 232 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:35,560 Speaker 1: down in your heart, deep down in your heart, you 233 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:40,040 Speaker 1: know that it's not going anywhere, but you're so scared 234 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,240 Speaker 1: of telling them it's over because you don't want to 235 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:47,160 Speaker 1: be perceived as a person who hurts people, So you 236 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:50,160 Speaker 1: stay longer and longer and longer, only one day to 237 00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:54,000 Speaker 1: decide that it truly has to end. And now the 238 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:56,160 Speaker 1: person feels confused. They say, well, you just told me 239 00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:58,360 Speaker 1: last week that you loved me. I believe that we 240 00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:00,800 Speaker 1: were going somewhere because you've never said this to me, 241 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:04,640 Speaker 1: And in your heart, you've all long been plotting and 242 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:11,360 Speaker 1: planning this moment of peril for them, but they've only 243 00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:15,880 Speaker 1: been expecting a proposal. If you know there is no 244 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:19,280 Speaker 1: future with someone, tell them as soon as you know. 245 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:24,080 Speaker 1: If you're experiencing this feeling that you don't want to 246 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,000 Speaker 1: be seen as a bad person, that's why you stay 247 00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:29,720 Speaker 1: with someone. Be honest with yourself. You're going to hurt 248 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:32,160 Speaker 1: them more. You're going to hurt them in the short 249 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,520 Speaker 1: term when you end it, but you're going to hurt 250 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:36,680 Speaker 1: them far more in the long term if you keep 251 00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:39,480 Speaker 1: it going. If someone has been with you for six 252 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:41,400 Speaker 1: months or twelve months or twenty four months and you 253 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:43,600 Speaker 1: end it and they have to find their own way, 254 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:45,360 Speaker 1: they'll figure it out. But if you do that after 255 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:48,240 Speaker 1: five years or eight years or ten years, boy, it's 256 00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:50,800 Speaker 1: going to cause them a lot more pain. Or The 257 00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:54,760 Speaker 1: fourth mistake we make in love is we try to 258 00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:59,200 Speaker 1: trade time with our partners instead of creating new experiences. 259 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:02,000 Speaker 1: One of the biggest challenges we have is when we 260 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:05,400 Speaker 1: come to a relationship, it's like we almost already have 261 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:09,280 Speaker 1: who we are, they have who they are, and then 262 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:11,040 Speaker 1: we try and trade what we like about that. So 263 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:12,880 Speaker 1: we're like, okay, well, if you come to the football 264 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:15,560 Speaker 1: game with me, then I'll go to that dinner with you. 265 00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:19,680 Speaker 1: If you come to the party and my friends, then 266 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:21,920 Speaker 1: I'll sit and watch a game with you. Right Like, 267 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:25,440 Speaker 1: it's all about trading time, and now both people are 268 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:28,040 Speaker 1: doing things they don't want to do half of the time. 269 00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:33,920 Speaker 1: Whereas what's beautiful is when in a relationship, you create 270 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:38,640 Speaker 1: a new set of values, activities, rituals, and routines that 271 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,440 Speaker 1: you do together. So you have your own rituals and 272 00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:44,680 Speaker 1: routines which you don't force someone to become a part of. 273 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:47,800 Speaker 1: You don't make that person have to understand you through that. 274 00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:52,160 Speaker 1: You create something new together. It's like creating a child. 275 00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:54,600 Speaker 1: And people often complain they're like they want their child 276 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,360 Speaker 1: to be more like them or be raised like how 277 00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:59,360 Speaker 1: they were raised. But when you create something together, you 278 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:02,000 Speaker 1: have to find a new way to raise it, and 279 00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:06,439 Speaker 1: that includes the relationship and it also includes the children 280 00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:11,200 Speaker 1: in reality, and so this is something to really think about. 281 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:15,040 Speaker 1: You know, stop trying to make the other person be 282 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,119 Speaker 1: more like you or do what you do. Try and 283 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:21,880 Speaker 1: focus on creating something new together, new rituals, new routines, 284 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:23,600 Speaker 1: not trying to make them do your routines and you're 285 00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:28,399 Speaker 1: trying to do their routines. Mistake number five is pretty 286 00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:30,679 Speaker 1: much along the same lines. You want someone to like 287 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:33,000 Speaker 1: what you like, but it's a bit deeper in the 288 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:35,399 Speaker 1: sense that not only are you now trading time, you 289 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,720 Speaker 1: actually want them to like what you like. So you're like, well, 290 00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:39,800 Speaker 1: I'm so passionate about my business. Why don't you get 291 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:42,480 Speaker 1: excited about it for me? You love me, so you 292 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:45,919 Speaker 1: should get excited for me. If you really loved me, 293 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,720 Speaker 1: then you would like the same things that I like. 294 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:51,760 Speaker 1: Why don't you like going out to buy art? Why 295 00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:55,360 Speaker 1: don't you like going out to shop for this and 296 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,280 Speaker 1: that for the house? Why don't you like it? Because 297 00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:01,200 Speaker 1: I care about it? It's rare for partners to care 298 00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:04,800 Speaker 1: about what you care about, but they can care about you, 299 00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,760 Speaker 1: and that you care about it is beautiful. Do they 300 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:12,520 Speaker 1: care enough to let you make time for what you 301 00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:16,000 Speaker 1: care about? That's where the care needs to be directed. 302 00:18:16,359 --> 00:18:19,119 Speaker 1: We want our partner to care about what we care about. 303 00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:22,160 Speaker 1: The question is do they let you care about it? 304 00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:24,840 Speaker 1: Do they care that you care about it and they 305 00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:27,119 Speaker 1: let you do it? But it doesn't have to be 306 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,439 Speaker 1: something that they have to care about. Otherwise you're basically 307 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:32,240 Speaker 1: saying that someone has to develop a whole new set 308 00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:35,880 Speaker 1: of values and care to be in a relationship with you, 309 00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:39,800 Speaker 1: which is actually quite a big things to ask. Right, 310 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,000 Speaker 1: So I grew up caring about certain things and Raley 311 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:43,440 Speaker 1: grew up caring about certain things. Now if I have 312 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,920 Speaker 1: to care about everything she cares about, that's actually not 313 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:50,800 Speaker 1: likely or realistic. She loves and adores food and vegetables 314 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:54,800 Speaker 1: and understanding nutrition and diets and plans, and I love 315 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:58,800 Speaker 1: that she loves that, but I can't love it. Mistake 316 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:04,879 Speaker 1: number six is you don't take the time to understand 317 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:08,400 Speaker 1: why they are the way they are. We jump to conclusions, 318 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:13,080 Speaker 1: we make assumptions. But how many of us beyond knowing 319 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,600 Speaker 1: you know what people like to eat, and what kind 320 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,800 Speaker 1: of movies they like, and what sports team they support, like, 321 00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:21,640 Speaker 1: how many of us have really dived deep into how 322 00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:23,720 Speaker 1: our partners are the way they are, maybe how their 323 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:27,320 Speaker 1: parenting was, maybe the experiences that they had growing up 324 00:19:27,359 --> 00:19:29,520 Speaker 1: that formed them. Have we ever sat down to ask 325 00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:33,920 Speaker 1: them really and truly how they got to where they 326 00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:39,680 Speaker 1: got to Because for so many people, for so many 327 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:42,640 Speaker 1: individuals in a relationship, we make a mistake but not 328 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:46,360 Speaker 1: knowing because we actually find it harder to understand them. 329 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,679 Speaker 1: Right If we haven't taken the time to understand their past, 330 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:52,760 Speaker 1: we're going to struggle to understand how they act in 331 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,520 Speaker 1: the present. Usually we judge people for their choices now, 332 00:19:55,880 --> 00:20:00,240 Speaker 1: but their choices now are based on experiences of the part. 333 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,119 Speaker 1: So you're taking it personal and you're saying, well, if 334 00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:04,520 Speaker 1: you don't want to do this, then that means you 335 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,239 Speaker 1: don't want to be with me, or you don't love me, 336 00:20:06,359 --> 00:20:08,560 Speaker 1: or I'm not important to you. But that may not 337 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:11,919 Speaker 1: be the case. And if you've taken the time to 338 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:15,440 Speaker 1: understand them, to delineate why they are the way they are, 339 00:20:16,359 --> 00:20:19,840 Speaker 1: you have a much better chance of responding correctly in 340 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:25,520 Speaker 1: the present without making everything personal. Right, this one's a 341 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,840 Speaker 1: deep one. How many of you right now and making notes? 342 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:31,200 Speaker 1: I want you to take a screenshot right now because 343 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:33,800 Speaker 1: this one's been a deep one. I've really been letting loose. 344 00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:36,920 Speaker 1: These are there's some bars of this one right, and 345 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:39,200 Speaker 1: it's just coming out because I see so much pain 346 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:45,959 Speaker 1: through expectations, through not really loving like love means you know, 347 00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:49,920 Speaker 1: understanding someone, And this is yeah, I hope this is helping. 348 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:54,679 Speaker 1: I really really hope it's helping. So Number seven, one 349 00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:56,600 Speaker 1: of the biggest mistakes we're make in love and relationships 350 00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:58,919 Speaker 1: is you talk to too many people in a relationship 351 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,800 Speaker 1: and you don't talk to the person in the relationship. 352 00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:04,560 Speaker 1: I see this all the time. When we have an issue, 353 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,639 Speaker 1: we go to everyone else for advice rather than figuring 354 00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:08,600 Speaker 1: out with that person. Who's the only person who can 355 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:11,480 Speaker 1: actually impact that relationship. Now, I'm not saying don't ask 356 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:13,920 Speaker 1: for advice or don't get insight. I'm just saying that 357 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:16,480 Speaker 1: a lot of the challenges can be solved with each 358 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:20,320 Speaker 1: other rather than outside of each other, because people outside 359 00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:22,520 Speaker 1: of you don't have the same context. They don't have 360 00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:26,159 Speaker 1: the same awareness, they don't have the same plans, desires, thoughts. 361 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,880 Speaker 1: They don't know any of that. And they also don't 362 00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:31,119 Speaker 1: know what you really like about this person. They are 363 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:34,240 Speaker 1: only basing it on what they see through you. And 364 00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:36,760 Speaker 1: what they see through you is the subjective experience that 365 00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:42,560 Speaker 1: you constantly project onto them. So talk to the person 366 00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:46,280 Speaker 1: about the problem, and if that person doesn't want to 367 00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:50,440 Speaker 1: talk about the problem, find out why what is blocking them, 368 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:53,119 Speaker 1: don't blame them, and then go talk to someone else. 369 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,560 Speaker 1: If you're in a relationship with someone, take the time 370 00:21:56,640 --> 00:22:01,000 Speaker 1: be patient enough to understand why conflict triggers them, why 371 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:04,840 Speaker 1: they avoid having these deep, meaningful, important conversations, and if 372 00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:08,040 Speaker 1: they keep being disregarding it, then fair enough it may 373 00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:09,800 Speaker 1: be time for you to move on. But the truth 374 00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:12,399 Speaker 1: is that talking to everyone else about it while you 375 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:17,760 Speaker 1: suffer the disconnecting the relationship doesn't solve it either. Number 376 00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:22,760 Speaker 1: eight is you're mad at them for the sacrifices you 377 00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:28,000 Speaker 1: made without them asking for it. Often we make sacrifices 378 00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:30,480 Speaker 1: because we think we're in love. We make compromises because 379 00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:33,800 Speaker 1: we think we're in love. We go against our own 380 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,560 Speaker 1: selves because we want to show we are loving and 381 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:39,000 Speaker 1: be loving, and maybe we love them and we think 382 00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,479 Speaker 1: this is how to show love. And then later on 383 00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:44,320 Speaker 1: we get mad at those people. We make them feel 384 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:47,439 Speaker 1: guilty because we did all these things for them and 385 00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:49,920 Speaker 1: now they're not reciprocating or they didn't value it, but 386 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:52,480 Speaker 1: they never asked for it. A big part of this 387 00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:54,520 Speaker 1: is figuring out what it means to be in love. 388 00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:57,399 Speaker 1: Love doesn't mean to compromise who you are. Love doesn't 389 00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:00,600 Speaker 1: mean to sacrifice things that are meaningful to you. That's 390 00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:08,360 Speaker 1: not love. Love means you are loving from a place 391 00:23:09,359 --> 00:23:12,640 Speaker 1: where you still love yourself. One of the biggest ones 392 00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:14,480 Speaker 1: where I think about this is when I think about Radi. 393 00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:17,639 Speaker 1: Radi sacrifice living close to her parents when we moved 394 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:20,640 Speaker 1: to the United States, and I've always thought about that. 395 00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:23,240 Speaker 1: I've always thought, how did Radley do it, Why did 396 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:26,080 Speaker 1: she do it? What made her do it, and she'll 397 00:23:26,119 --> 00:23:29,000 Speaker 1: answer that question with many things like we just got married, 398 00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:33,160 Speaker 1: Like I, you know, was scared, but I was open 399 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,080 Speaker 1: to it. Or maybe I just was sad every day, 400 00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:38,439 Speaker 1: but I felt that we were creating something together and 401 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:39,840 Speaker 1: I know it was your dream and maybe there was 402 00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:42,560 Speaker 1: some sacrifice for me. But one of the things Rady 403 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,879 Speaker 1: did is she owned that she realized how it became 404 00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:49,080 Speaker 1: good for her, rather than making me feel guilty when 405 00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:50,480 Speaker 1: I had an asked for her, I was very clear 406 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:53,040 Speaker 1: about I said to her. I said, I will literally 407 00:23:53,119 --> 00:23:55,960 Speaker 1: visit you every weekend in London if that's what it takes, like, 408 00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,240 Speaker 1: that's what I'll do. I'll go, I'll go chase my dream, 409 00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:00,360 Speaker 1: but I'll come visit you and that will be will 410 00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:02,680 Speaker 1: be married. Because that maybe abnormal to a lot of people, 411 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:05,000 Speaker 1: but hey, we you know, we're going to redefine what 412 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:08,679 Speaker 1: relationships look like. But don't make sacrifices for people if 413 00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:10,119 Speaker 1: you're going to make them pay for it, because then 414 00:24:10,119 --> 00:24:13,600 Speaker 1: it's not a sacrifice. Then it's a transaction. Right. Don't 415 00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:17,360 Speaker 1: give people discounts if you're then going to ask for payment, 416 00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:20,680 Speaker 1: because then it wasn't a discount. Does that make sense? 417 00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:22,800 Speaker 1: If you say I did all of this for you, 418 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:24,640 Speaker 1: but now I want you to pay it back. Then 419 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:26,639 Speaker 1: you didn't really do it for them, You did it 420 00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:28,800 Speaker 1: for you. And I'm not saying you have to do 421 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,560 Speaker 1: anything for someone, but I'm saying if you are going 422 00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:31,879 Speaker 1: to do it, then this is how you want to 423 00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,760 Speaker 1: think about it. And the ninth and final thing I 424 00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:36,359 Speaker 1: want to talk to you about is the difference between 425 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:40,360 Speaker 1: an ownership, a partnership, and a relationship. And this kind 426 00:24:40,359 --> 00:24:43,200 Speaker 1: of sums up everything we've been talking about. Ownership is 427 00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:45,360 Speaker 1: where you want to control, where you're like, I want 428 00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:47,440 Speaker 1: you to do things like me. We should do things 429 00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:51,719 Speaker 1: like my parents did. I know what's right. That's ownership. 430 00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:54,919 Speaker 1: If you're coming from that perspective, that's a painful way 431 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:58,160 Speaker 1: to live because no one wants to be owned. And 432 00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:01,480 Speaker 1: by the way, you don't necess susarily have all the answers, 433 00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:04,720 Speaker 1: even if you had a great upbringing or great background. 434 00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:07,440 Speaker 1: A partnership is where you trade again. You say, Okay, 435 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:09,280 Speaker 1: well i'll do this for you, you do this for me, 436 00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:12,359 Speaker 1: and a lot of couple survive there, but they don't 437 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:16,320 Speaker 1: drive there. And the final is a relationship. You be you, 438 00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:20,639 Speaker 1: I'll be me, but let's build something beautiful together. I 439 00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:23,120 Speaker 1: know you your own person and you're complex, and I'm 440 00:25:23,119 --> 00:25:26,040 Speaker 1: my own person and I'm complex. But let's build something 441 00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:30,040 Speaker 1: simple and wonderful together. Let's build a space. It's almost 442 00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:32,160 Speaker 1: like building a home and saying, all right, well, let's 443 00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:35,960 Speaker 1: pick the colors together, let's pick the rooms together. Let's 444 00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:38,080 Speaker 1: figure this out together. And there may be a room 445 00:25:38,119 --> 00:25:39,760 Speaker 1: that's yours, and there may be a room that's mine. 446 00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:42,840 Speaker 1: But let's make some rooms together with the best of 447 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:44,879 Speaker 1: both of us, and maybe not even the best of 448 00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:46,600 Speaker 1: both of us, with the worst of both of us, 449 00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:50,040 Speaker 1: but a new part of us. We're trying to make 450 00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:53,320 Speaker 1: relationships from the best and worst of who we already 451 00:25:53,359 --> 00:25:56,560 Speaker 1: are when we could make them out of the growth 452 00:25:56,600 --> 00:26:01,080 Speaker 1: we experienced together. That's a relationship. Thank you so much 453 00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:03,520 Speaker 1: for listening to today. This is definitely one that I 454 00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:05,120 Speaker 1: hope you pass on. I think it's going to help 455 00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:08,080 Speaker 1: a lot of people, and I can't wait to see 456 00:26:08,119 --> 00:26:10,080 Speaker 1: what you learn through Instagram, Twitter and all the other 457 00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:14,320 Speaker 1: places that we're connected. Continue to live your life, keep 458 00:26:14,359 --> 00:26:25,199 Speaker 1: living your life on purpose. Thanks for listening. In our heads, 459 00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:29,160 Speaker 1: we have an image of an ideal life. Our relationships, 460 00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:31,800 Speaker 1: how we spend our time in work and leisure what 461 00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:36,200 Speaker 1: we want to achieve, even without the noise of external influences. 462 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:40,280 Speaker 1: Certain goals captivate us, and we design our lives around 463 00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:43,919 Speaker 1: achieving them because we think they will make us happy. 464 00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:47,080 Speaker 1: And now we will figure out what drives these ambitions, 465 00:26:47,359 --> 00:26:49,919 Speaker 1: whether they are likely to make us truly happy, and 466 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:53,800 Speaker 1: whether happiness is even the right target. I've just come 467 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:55,760 Speaker 1: out of a class where we discuss the idea of 468 00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:59,080 Speaker 1: rebirth some sorrow, and now I'm strolling through the quiet 469 00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:02,120 Speaker 1: Ushram with this senior monk and a few other students. 470 00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:05,480 Speaker 1: The ushram has two locations, a temple in Mumbai and 471 00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:08,280 Speaker 1: the one where I am now, a rural outpost near Palgo. 472 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:11,919 Speaker 1: This will eventually be developed into the goverdan Eco Village, 473 00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:14,720 Speaker 1: a beautiful retreat, but for now there are just a 474 00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:19,800 Speaker 1: few simple, nondescript buildings set in uncultivated land. Dry dirt 475 00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:23,720 Speaker 1: footpaths divide the grasses. Here and there monks sit on 476 00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:27,120 Speaker 1: straw mats, reading or stunning. The main building is open 477 00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:30,320 Speaker 1: to the elements, and inside we can see monks working. 478 00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:34,200 Speaker 1: As we walk. The senior monk mentions the achievements of 479 00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:37,360 Speaker 1: some of the monks we pass. He points out one 480 00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:41,560 Speaker 1: who can meditate for eight hours straight. A few minutes later, 481 00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:45,600 Speaker 1: he gestures to another he fasts for seven days in 482 00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:49,119 Speaker 1: a row. Further along, he points, do you see the 483 00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:52,760 Speaker 1: man sitting under that tree? He can recite every verse 484 00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:57,000 Speaker 1: from the scripture? Impressed, I say, I wish I could 485 00:27:57,000 --> 00:28:00,679 Speaker 1: do that. The monk pauses and turn to look at me. 486 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:05,399 Speaker 1: He asks, do you wish you could do that? Or 487 00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:08,679 Speaker 1: do you wish you could learn to do that? What 488 00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:11,320 Speaker 1: do you mean? I know by now that some of 489 00:28:11,359 --> 00:28:14,000 Speaker 1: my favorite lessons come not in the classroom, but in 490 00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:19,760 Speaker 1: moments like this, he says, Think about your motivations. Do 491 00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:22,720 Speaker 1: you want to memorize all of the scripture because it's 492 00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:26,760 Speaker 1: an impressive achievement, or do you want the experience of 493 00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:30,119 Speaker 1: having studied it? In the first, all you want is 494 00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:34,040 Speaker 1: the outcome. In the second, you're curious about what you 495 00:28:34,119 --> 00:28:37,640 Speaker 1: might learn from the process. This was a new concept 496 00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:41,120 Speaker 1: for me, and it blew my mind. Desiring an outcome 497 00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:44,560 Speaker 1: had always seemed reasonable to me. The monk was telling 498 00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:47,800 Speaker 1: me to question why I wanted to do what was 499 00:28:47,880 --> 00:28:54,600 Speaker 1: necessary to reach that outcome. The four motivations, no matter 500 00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:58,480 Speaker 1: how disorganized we might be. We all have plans, We 501 00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:00,720 Speaker 1: have an idea of what we have accomplish in the 502 00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:03,280 Speaker 1: day ahead. We probably have a sense of what the 503 00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:06,520 Speaker 1: year holds or what we hope we'll accomplish, and we 504 00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:10,520 Speaker 1: all have dreams for the future. Something motivates every one 505 00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:13,600 Speaker 1: of these notions, from needing to pay the rent to 506 00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:19,080 Speaker 1: wanting to travel the world. Hindu philosopher buktivenor Tucker describes 507 00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:25,840 Speaker 1: four fundamental motivations. One fear. Tucker describes this as being 508 00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:31,280 Speaker 1: driven by sickness, poverty, fear of hell, or fear of death. 509 00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:38,720 Speaker 1: Number two desire, seeking personal gratification through success, wealth, and pleasure. 510 00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:45,520 Speaker 1: Three Duty motivated by gratitude, responsibility, and the desire to 511 00:29:45,600 --> 00:29:50,880 Speaker 1: do the right thing. Four Love compelled by care for 512 00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:55,880 Speaker 1: others and the urge to help them. These four motivations 513 00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:59,720 Speaker 1: drive everything we do. We make choices, for example, because 514 00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:02,640 Speaker 1: we're scared of losing our job, wanting to win the 515 00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:06,440 Speaker 1: admiration of our friends, hoping to fulfill our parents' expectations, 516 00:30:06,520 --> 00:30:09,880 Speaker 1: or wanting to help others live a better life. I'm 517 00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:13,080 Speaker 1: going to talk about each motivation individually so we get 518 00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:17,280 Speaker 1: a sense of how they shape our choices. Fear is 519 00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:21,440 Speaker 1: not sustainable. In the last chapter we talked about fear, 520 00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:23,960 Speaker 1: so I'm not going to dwell on it here. When 521 00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:27,160 Speaker 1: fear motivates you, you pick what you want to achieve 522 00:30:27,480 --> 00:30:30,920 Speaker 1: a promotion, a relationship, buying a home because you believe 523 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:35,200 Speaker 1: it will bring you safety and security. Fear alerts and 524 00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:39,160 Speaker 1: ignites us. This warning flare is useful. As we discussed, 525 00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:43,360 Speaker 1: Fear points out problems and sometimes motivates us. For instance, 526 00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:46,960 Speaker 1: the fear of getting fired may motivate you to get organized. 527 00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:51,080 Speaker 1: The problem with fear is that it's not sustainable. When 528 00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:54,360 Speaker 1: we operate in fear for a long time, we can't 529 00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:57,760 Speaker 1: work to the best of our abilities. We're too worried 530 00:30:57,760 --> 00:31:01,840 Speaker 1: about getting the wrong result, frantic or paralyzed, and are 531 00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:06,040 Speaker 1: unable to evaluate our situations objectively or to take risks.