Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. For more of the story.
Speaker 2: We're joined by our new senior Caucasian correspondent, Jordan Klepper.
Speaker 1: Jordan, thank you for joining us on the.
Speaker 3: Programmer, Chris Jordan, welcome the show.
Speaker 2: First of all, we're excited to have you. You are
Speaker 2: in Crimea, obviously you have studied this region for years.
Speaker 4: Yes, that is true. Okay, As you know, the Crimean
Speaker 4: Peninsula is ethnically Russian. Now it's important to remember a
Speaker 4: peninsula is a land mask surrounded on three sides by water,
Speaker 4: on like an island or an isthmus. Now, the Crimean
Speaker 4: Peninsula is dependent on Russia for most of their natural resources.
Speaker 2: Actually, they're dependent on the Ukraine for most of their
Speaker 2: natural resources, right.
Speaker 4: Right, stupid superd I'm sorry. I don't know why I
Speaker 4: said that. I'm not going to fail you, dad. John.
Speaker 1: It's all right, Jordan, it's fine, okay, just relax. How
Speaker 1: are the people feeling.
Speaker 4: They're scared, John, real scared, little sweaty.
Speaker 2: Because they have ties to both the Ukraine and Russia.
Speaker 4: Is that uh sure? I mean if you had asked
Speaker 4: them a week ago, would you like to be a
Speaker 4: part of Russia? They would have been like, yes, Russia
Speaker 4: is my favorite. I'd love to join Russia. I watched
Speaker 4: Russia every night. But now they don't know what they've
Speaker 4: gotten themselves into, you know, and they think maybe I've
Speaker 4: gotten a little bit in over my head.
Speaker 2: Just say it's fine, you're doing fine, stay focused. What
Speaker 2: have you learned so far today?
Speaker 4: Well, you have to dial nine to get an outside line.
Speaker 4: Lunch is at one. And if I keep my head
Speaker 4: down here for a couple of years, I've got a
Speaker 4: real shot at my own sitcom. On nbc.
Speaker 3: U.
Speaker 4: You were talking about Crimea. Right, yeah, I'm blowing it.
Speaker 2: No, you're blowing and everything's fine. You're in Crimea. Yes, Now,
Speaker 2: obviously it's daybreak there.
Speaker 4: Oh, actually I'm gonna stop you there, John, it's six
Speaker 4: fifteen at night, although obviously we are pretending it's eleven fifteen,
Speaker 4: which in Crimea is six fifteen in the morning where
Speaker 4: I'm supposed to be Dad. I am so sorry. No,
Speaker 4: you're so sorry.
Speaker 1: You're not You're doing great.
Speaker 2: Okay, there's don't there's almost nothing you can do to
Speaker 2: mess up one of these reports, trust me.
Speaker 4: Thank you. That's I mean, this is this is kind
Speaker 4: of a big deal for me, John, you know this
Speaker 4: means a lot to me, and my parents are watching
Speaker 4: at home. You know, say clean and silver, Jordan, you know,
Speaker 4: and that record will get expunge. Just keep to it,
Speaker 4: work hard.
Speaker 1: I think you could go back to CRIMEA or that.
Speaker 4: Yes you got it boss.
Speaker 5: Here by from crimead Nobody.
Speaker 4: We'll be ride by.
Speaker 2: As in every story these days, at some point someone
Speaker 2: is gonna get caught unaware when a thing they say
Speaker 2: makes them the weather vein for the entire National Star.
Speaker 2: Owners of Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana, they say they
Speaker 2: support the new law and plan to act accordingly.
Speaker 6: If a gay couple was to come in, like say
Speaker 6: we wanted they wanted us to provide them pizzas for
Speaker 6: a wedding, we would have to say no.
Speaker 1: Oh.
Speaker 2: Previously, anonymous pizza lady who was interviewed for a local
Speaker 2: news story buckle your seat dollar.
Speaker 7: The social media storm ensued, the threats, the nasty tweets
Speaker 7: inundated with negative comments. They had to shut down because
Speaker 7: of threats that they were receiving. One woman who tweeted
Speaker 7: something to the effect of, Who's going to come to
Speaker 7: Walkerton and help me burn down Memories pizza.
Speaker 2: But if they did that, everyone would say, oh man,
Speaker 2: that place that was here?
Speaker 1: What was that called? Again? I can't. I have no
Speaker 1: recollection with fists.
Speaker 2: It's quite a backlash. But what the Internet taketh? So
Speaker 2: the Internet giveth.
Speaker 8: A go fundme campaign has been set up and has
Speaker 8: raised almost half a million dollars in one day.
Speaker 3: Eight hundred and forty two thousand dollars, that's how much
Speaker 3: money has been raised in support of Memories Pizza.
Speaker 1: Indiana pizza better be good pizza. That's all I can say.
Speaker 2: From here, we go to senior correspondent Jordan Klepper, who
Speaker 2: was in Indiana to night.
Speaker 1: Jordan, thank you for Jordy? Uh what Jordan's what?
Speaker 2: What do you make of this this storm around this business?
Speaker 4: I gotta say, John, I get it, probably because I
Speaker 4: too am a business owner.
Speaker 1: You're you are?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 4: Absolutely. I recently started a restaurant, pizzeria in fact, really
Speaker 4: and what's it called? The Recollections Pizza? Come one, come
Speaker 4: everybody who isn't gay?
Speaker 2: Now all right, Jordan, I see what you're doing here,
Speaker 2: but I think the anti gay pizzeria donation train price
Speaker 2: has already left the station.
Speaker 4: Okay, you didn't let me finish John Days and immigrants?
Speaker 4: What's serve immigrants?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: What was the name of your place again?
Speaker 4: I'm calling it remembrances of cal Zone's past. Our slogan is, hey,
Speaker 4: remember that cal Zone we had that one time?
Speaker 1: Jordan, You're you're.
Speaker 2: Just trying to profit from this bigotry site.
Speaker 4: That's off whoa whoa whoa Stuart call off the attack dogs.
Speaker 4: I'm just a liberty loving American trying to serve some
Speaker 4: home cooked food with a dashing charm and a pinch
Speaker 4: of Absolutely no immigrants. Also, I don't know no Muslims.
Speaker 1: Jordan.
Speaker 4: This is what this is.
Speaker 1: It's a law for Christian believe you're not even a
Speaker 1: fundamentalist Christians?
Speaker 4: Yes, I'm not. I love that Sandals. God, you don't
Speaker 4: know the guy you know what that Jared Letto hair
Speaker 4: and the flowing beard. What's his name?
Speaker 1: Jesus Christ?
Speaker 4: Set with me? John, Look, I won't remember his name. Say,
Speaker 4: I knew you'd try to persecute me for my beliefs.
Speaker 1: How are you being persecuted?
Speaker 4: George kidding? In this environment, I don't know if I
Speaker 4: can even open my newest place. Deja vu? Meatballs slogan is, Hey,
Speaker 4: didn't I just eat those meatballs? All right?
Speaker 2: I gotta say that one actually sounds pretty good.
Speaker 4: Slowed down, No Jews, what Jordan, This is not gonna work, Okay,
Speaker 4: I'm sorry. I just think real America wants a place
Speaker 4: where they can eat with their family without being harassed
Speaker 4: by some dirty chinaman. That's gotta be like fifty k
Speaker 4: right there, right than what the hell are you chilling?
Speaker 4: You're doing it? I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm
Speaker 4: watching my gofund me campaign and it is blowing up. No,
Speaker 4: thanks to you, you East Coast Hollywood liberal boom. Just
Speaker 4: past two million bucks, Jan.
Speaker 1: Two million bucks. But what you can do?
Speaker 4: All that money donated to the church of course.
Speaker 1: Oh I get well, all right.
Speaker 4: I'm with you, John Hookers and blow praise the load.
Speaker 1: Thank you, Jeordan.
Speaker 2: Jordan talked to everybody. For more, we turn to senior
Speaker 2: surveillance correspondent Jordan Clipper.
Speaker 1: Jordan, this.
Speaker 2: Like, uh, this seems like a big turning point for
Speaker 2: the Nssay, where does Anna say go from here?
Speaker 4: Hopefully further, much much further. In a world that's dangerous,
Speaker 4: you can never collect enough intelligence and I'm not just
Speaker 4: talking about phone data. The clue that stops the next
Speaker 4: terror attack could be in a pile of unopened bank
Speaker 4: statements on your kitchen table, or in a giant bag
Speaker 4: of taxi receipts you've been accumulating since you moved to
Speaker 4: New York six years ago. The NSA should really just
Speaker 4: take it all, maybe even organize it.
Speaker 2: I'm not sure the NSA is interested in him, John.
Speaker 4: We're talking about national security. We can't let anything slip
Speaker 4: through the cracks. The NSA should be storing at all
Speaker 4: from a complete set of Frasier DVDs that you haven't
Speaker 4: watched in years but can't bear to part with, or maybe,
Speaker 4: I don't know, like a box of your cherished trophies
Speaker 4: in your books.
Speaker 1: You're just doing some spring cleaning.
Speaker 4: Jordan's with it, No, don I'm gathering potential intel for
Speaker 4: terror thwarting purposes. There's a lot of actionable stuff here.
Speaker 4: This class of ninety seven. Look. Oh, stay cool, John,
Speaker 4: I never was cool. That's clearly some kind of GI
Speaker 4: hottest code. I hope you finally get some in college.
Speaker 4: What does it even mean get some?
Speaker 3: Uh?
Speaker 4: I'll tell you what they're talking about. Plutonium.
Speaker 1: Jordan I'm not.
Speaker 2: I'm not trying to question your patriotism in anyway.
Speaker 4: But you appear to be.
Speaker 2: Trying to get the NSSA to just store your junk
Speaker 2: for you. Why don't you just get yourself one of
Speaker 2: themselves storage unit YEP for.
Speaker 4: Three hundred bucks a month. No, thank you. Look you're
Speaker 4: telling me the NSSA doesn't have like a closet where
Speaker 4: they can throw all my yeah and then meticulously analyze
Speaker 4: it for security purposes.
Speaker 1: Come on, Joan, this isn't.
Speaker 2: Even about protecting America anymore.
Speaker 4: I don't try to tare you, sir. My love of
Speaker 4: country knows no bounds. Hell, for all I care, the
Speaker 4: NSA can a terrogate my dog, you know, maybe for
Speaker 4: like a long weekend, prefer around the Cape Cod clam jam,
Speaker 4: And then you know, then I can pick Mopsy up
Speaker 4: on my way back home. While I'm there, I can
Speaker 4: also drop off some winter coats.
Speaker 1: Your apartment's pretty small, and Jordan, I can't even lie down.
Speaker 2: I'm maga, Jordon, Jordan clupper everybody.
Speaker 1: We'll be right back.
Speaker 2: I didn't realize.
Speaker 1: For more on the developments in Donald.
Speaker 2: Trump's presidential bid, because you know, why not nothing else
Speaker 2: really is fun to talk about. We turned a senior
Speaker 2: election correspondent, Jordan Clupper, who is at Trump International Hotel.
Speaker 1: Jordan, thanks for joining us.
Speaker 4: Yes, hello, John Jordan.
Speaker 2: A month in a Trump's campaign and he has already
Speaker 2: managed to alienate most of his own party.
Speaker 3: I know.
Speaker 4: The man is truly an inspiration.
Speaker 1: Quaint, an inspiration to whom.
Speaker 4: Well, to me, to my hedge fund manager, to frat
Speaker 4: boys everywhere. John, You see, Donald Trump could very well
Speaker 4: be our first openly asshole president.
Speaker 2: Or come on, that can't be true. I can't even
Speaker 2: be What about Andrew Jackson?
Speaker 1: He was an asshole?
Speaker 4: Oh no, no, no, no no. Jackson was a compassionless killing machine.
Speaker 1: Warren Harding.
Speaker 4: Harding was a dickhead, not an asshole. It's nuanced, you know,
Speaker 4: but there is a difference.
Speaker 1: Nixon Nixon clearly an asshole.
Speaker 4: Gaping, a gaping asshole, but closeted now. Nixon's assholeishness went
Speaker 4: unconfirmed up until those tapes leaked. But Trump, on the
Speaker 4: other hand, says it loud and proud. I'm here, I'm
Speaker 4: an asshole. Get used to it, you Mexican rapist losers.
Speaker 2: No, I mean to be verbally honest with you, and
Speaker 2: I admember this.
Speaker 1: I never did.
Speaker 2: I never thought about it that.
Speaker 4: John, Clearly you're one of those people who is prejudiced
Speaker 4: against asshole Americans.
Speaker 1: That's during that's totally not true.
Speaker 2: Said I. I'm very close friends who are.
Speaker 4: Assholes really yep, like like who.
Speaker 2: Paul Rudd, Paul.
Speaker 9: Rudder, John, John, thank you for the shout out, buddy,
Speaker 9: Thank you.
Speaker 4: Really, this is the best asshole you could come up with.
Speaker 9: Hey, Clipper, I just your mom while your dad watched
Speaker 9: side show Bob looking nobody Piece of Trump twenty sixteen.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I stand corrected. That guy's a real asshole.
Speaker 2: Hey, I told you. I get it now. Trump's campaign
Speaker 2: is a step forward for assholes everywhere.
Speaker 4: Not just to step a giant leap for ass kind. John.
Speaker 4: Let me tell you a story about little Boy. People
Speaker 4: used to say to me, to him, little boy, you'll
Speaker 4: never be president. You're way too big an asshole, Jordan boy,
Speaker 4: little boy. Then he'd cry myself to sleep while listening
Speaker 4: to nickelback. John, do you know who that little me was?
Speaker 4: It was you? No, it was me, John, It was me.
Speaker 2: Huh.
Speaker 4: But today today is a new day, not just for me,
Speaker 4: but for the little assholes out there at home sassing
Speaker 4: their underpaid cleaning woman, to the grown assholes out there
Speaker 4: running their first puppy mill or clapping at the wrong
Speaker 4: parts of woof the Wall Street. Now now those assholes
Speaker 4: can dream, and so we say thank you Donald Trump
Speaker 4: for being such a tremendous asshole.
Speaker 1: Jordan. That was beautiful.
Speaker 4: Thank you always, Thank you, John. And by the way,
Speaker 4: I also your mom or your dad watched.
Speaker 2: My dad's passed away, Jordan.
Speaker 4: Yikes. Sorry, Paul Rudd makes it look so easy.
Speaker 2: Over the past couple of weeks, we've been drinking cold
Speaker 2: syrup before the show. I'm sorry. We've been encouraging you
Speaker 2: to send questions you've always wanted to ask.
Speaker 1: I haven't been drinking night quil before the show anyway.
Speaker 2: We wanted you to send questions that you've always wanted
Speaker 2: to ask by a Twitter. Well, tonight I answer those
Speaker 2: questions in a segment we call Hey, it's gonna be uh.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I thought we were doing a round table.
Speaker 1: We have a seat, John sure, I thought, Okay, what's
Speaker 1: this all about. I'm just gonna.
Speaker 4: People want answer, Stewart, I.
Speaker 2: Know that's I'm happy to give them and we're gonna prove.
Speaker 4: It that benefits. Babe wants to know who was your
Speaker 4: favorite guest of all time?
Speaker 2: Oh uh, Jimmy Carter. Uh. President mccarnter, because usually he's
Speaker 2: drunk and right afterwards he's always.
Speaker 1: Like, can we go look for horse? So it's like
Speaker 1: that's always.
Speaker 4: Okay, Okay, you think this is funny. You think it's funny,
Speaker 4: don't you, mister chuckles?
Speaker 8: You know, Jordan, I I didn't want to do this.
Speaker 4: I'm sure you didn't, but I have to.
Speaker 1: I didn't want to necessarily. Jesus, what is what are
Speaker 1: you doing? No, Hassan, don't, don't, don't do that.
Speaker 2: Oh God, Hassan, No, not in the night?
Speaker 4: And fork, what is that?
Speaker 10: Didn he knows, No, Hassan, Just just please, it's fine.
Speaker 1: My favorite guest are my friends.
Speaker 2: I get to not work around them for five minutes
Speaker 2: and it's an honor to sit across people. Also like
Speaker 2: Malala Desmond too too. Jimmy Carter. Just put put the
Speaker 2: colory down.
Speaker 4: Just seed it with your okay, see say was that
Speaker 4: so hard?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: Look, just spit it out.
Speaker 4: Can we focus toward can we focus? Let hidigestion? However,
Speaker 4: he was all right.
Speaker 1: I just saw it.
Speaker 2: You know, Look it is still pizza.
Speaker 4: Twitter was to know now at life is desire? Asked,
Speaker 4: what is written on the blue papers?
Speaker 1: You scribble it?
Speaker 8: I've always wanted to know that one.
Speaker 2: It's not like I've been writing a novel, one sentence
Speaker 2: a day for sixteen years about the struggles of a
Speaker 2: female blacksmith working in a male dominated professions.
Speaker 4: He's doing jokes.
Speaker 8: If I wanted jokes, I would have asked someone funnier.
Speaker 1: That's gating a little bit.
Speaker 4: That's you know, Uh, God, forgive me for what I
Speaker 4: am about to do.
Speaker 2: Don't do this.
Speaker 1: What are you gonna do?
Speaker 9: Frank got me?
Speaker 4: Suit you No, I'm terrible.
Speaker 1: I can't watch anymore, and neither cood people. And we're
Speaker 1: supposed to pay money for that?
Speaker 3: Is that?
Speaker 4: Is that your intent to look desperate and said, I
Speaker 4: mean you are terrible. I can't act.
Speaker 1: Look, the blue papers are a script. I'm just scribbling
Speaker 1: on them. I get bored.
Speaker 2: I can't smoke anymore, so I scribble or I doodle
Speaker 2: the same cartoons over and over again.
Speaker 3: That's what I got.
Speaker 4: God, I want to see that cartoon. I want to
Speaker 4: see that's so bad show me that this is.
Speaker 1: What I actually did.
Speaker 2: All right, So what I normally do is I draw
Speaker 2: just a round headed drunk guy like that, or I
Speaker 2: draw me when I was in college.
Speaker 1: That's ah, that's a jewfro.
Speaker 4: I mean, that's pretty good. I'm not gonna lie. That's
Speaker 4: pretty good.
Speaker 8: But but at Sam put simply he wants to know,
Speaker 8: is there an algorithm for what cities go on the
Speaker 8: globe ticker every show?
Speaker 2: But no, there's no algorithm.
Speaker 1: I dont know what you're talking.
Speaker 4: There's not wouldn't make us do this, Stewart. Look, we've
Speaker 4: got a guitar, a pair of terrible voices, and we
Speaker 4: like making up our own lyrics to Born to.
Speaker 10: Run and Bruce Brison, I was born baby, all right.
Speaker 1: To Chuck O'Neill, our director, Chuck O'Neill.
Speaker 2: He chooses the cities based on a team like places
Speaker 2: in famous zoos, our countries in the World Cup semifinals.
Speaker 2: We think it is a fun game the viewers can
Speaker 2: play at home.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, that's all it is.
Speaker 8: Okay, good, that's fine, right, that's fine, all right? But
Speaker 8: one last thing, all right, all right? At L ninety nine,
Speaker 8: Blood wants to know Mary shag or Kill, Larry Wilmore,
Speaker 8: John Oliver, Stephen Colbert.
Speaker 2: Look, guys, these are my friends. I'm not going to
Speaker 2: drive a wedge between U saying which one I would
Speaker 2: marry kill.
Speaker 1: Let's not.
Speaker 2: Let's just some things their best left unset under this, Stewart,
Speaker 2: I hope let's not worry about this type of what
Speaker 2: is that?
Speaker 1: You know what this is?
Speaker 4: You know what this is, Stuart.
Speaker 1: I think that's a and Piers to be an Arby's enema.
Speaker 4: Yeah right, that's exactly what it is.
Speaker 8: And if you don't start talking, we're gonna make you
Speaker 8: eat it instead.
Speaker 10: Come on, fine, every one of them, every single one
Speaker 10: of them, in every position, and everyone in the house,
Speaker 10: and then I would make the breakfast in the morning, and.
Speaker 4: Then he would oh, hey, hey who and I would
Speaker 4: know my hey, hey, hey hey.
Speaker 7: Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
Speaker 7: searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcast.
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