Speaker 1: I feel so moved by the situation with Sonia Massey,
Speaker 1: who called the police because she thought she had an intruder.
Speaker 1: First thing she said when the police arrived is don't
Speaker 1: hurt me. Their response was, why would we hurt you?
Speaker 1: And they sit in her living room have a calm conversation.
Speaker 1: Noticing that there is something on the stove, they instruct
Speaker 1: her to take it off the stove so the house
Speaker 1: does not burn. She reaches for potholders to make sure
Speaker 1: she didn't burn herself. When she moves it off the
Speaker 1: stove and they drew their guns. She raises her hands
Speaker 1: with the potholders in her hands, and one of those
Speaker 1: police officers fires upon her four times, killing her. Another
Speaker 1: officer who was there renders aids to her, while the
Speaker 1: shooting officer does nothing. The reason that's on my mind
Speaker 1: so much is like, how can we as a black
Speaker 1: community not have vicarious trauma from seeing those things like
Speaker 1: it is? It is incredible to me that we're supposed
Speaker 1: to like live in this country and feel safe as
Speaker 1: functioning citizens when too often someone will call the police
Speaker 1: for issues of safety, like related to their job, and
Speaker 1: that person ends up dead. I think that people in
Speaker 1: our community under we underappreciate the traumatic experience that it
Speaker 1: is just to be black and female in this culture
Speaker 1: and what it's like to just watch that, you know,
Speaker 1: Like I'm on social media Yesterday's kind of scrolling through
Speaker 1: and I start seeing this name, Sonia Massey. I was like,
Speaker 1: I don't know what this is, and then I see
Speaker 1: the video and I'm like, I've seen too many videos
Speaker 1: of black people's lives.
Speaker 2: Being taken in the past a few years.
Speaker 1: So I don't know how to heal from that level
Speaker 1: of generational trauma. And I do believe it is generational trauma,
Speaker 1: but I do know it continues to happen. And we
Speaker 1: need to understand that when we're choosing politicians with ridiculous rhetoric,
Speaker 1: we are choosing more experiences like that or less, depending
Speaker 1: on how how you vote. Donald Trump has created an
Speaker 1: environment of unsafety that is so unsafe it is no
Speaker 1: longer even safe for him. We need to think about that.
Speaker 1: We need to have larger conversations about that. I think
Speaker 1: any of that relevant to the Family Therapy podcast. I
Speaker 1: have no idea, but when I see that stuff going on,
Speaker 1: I'm like, you know, the Republicans have been very clear
Speaker 1: with their Project twenty twenty five, like this is our agenda,
Speaker 1: and one of those agenda items is police to have
Speaker 1: immunity for things they do in the line of duty
Speaker 1: up to an including killing citizens. If we were living
Speaker 1: in a Project twenty twenty five era today, that officer
Speaker 1: would be he would not be arrested. And I saw
Speaker 1: Mugshott earlier today, so I believe he's been arrested. And
Speaker 1: that scares me, like that genuinely scares me that we
Speaker 1: could live in a world where someone could just walk
Speaker 1: to my house shoot me because they thought the podtholders
Speaker 1: they asked me to pick up We're somehow a weapon
Speaker 1: and they could take my life and then they could
Speaker 1: just go home and have dinner with their family that night.
Speaker 1: That's scary to me in a way that I have
Speaker 1: a hard time articulating to people who don't look like me.
Speaker 1: And it's just like we live in a society of
Speaker 1: no justice. And I don't even mean justice in a
Speaker 1: legal sense. I mean like no honor, Like justice is
Speaker 1: not an equitably distributed thing. So it's perfectly okay to
Speaker 1: view this woman sitting in her house walking to her
Speaker 1: stove as a threat, but Dylan Ruth shooting up an
Speaker 1: entire Black church, somehow we think he deserves Burger King
Speaker 1: and all this is on my mind right now. I
Speaker 1: just saw that Sonya video last night. You know, you
Speaker 1: follow the Angela Rise and the Tamika Valleies and the
Speaker 1: Ben Crump's and the Lee Merrits, and you see these things,
Speaker 1: and it's just like, how am I supposed to feel
Speaker 1: safe in this country? And if you if you don't
Speaker 1: feel safe, then the the larger question is how am
Speaker 1: I not supposed to feel traumaed? And connected to that?
Speaker 1: If I don't, if I'm if I'm feeling trauma, how
Speaker 1: am I supposed to live in this country and not
Speaker 1: have my trauma is triggered? Like it's like a cascade
Speaker 1: of things that I don't I don't really know how
Speaker 1: to sort out all the time. But you know, you know,
Speaker 1: and I'm going to say something positive about what's on
Speaker 1: the news going on the news and in my heart.
Speaker 1: When Joe Biden announced I was kind of living my
Speaker 1: life on Sunday and I followed Joe Biden on Instagram
Speaker 1: and I saw he posted a letter and it felt
Speaker 1: like it felt like a like a kick in the stomach.
Speaker 1: I didn't even read I didn't have to read the letter.
Speaker 1: I knew what it was. But I did eventually read it,
Speaker 1: of course, and like that was actually where I saw it.
Speaker 1: I didn't see it in the news outlet. I saw
Speaker 1: it six minutes after Joe Biden posted it. Then of
Speaker 1: course in the next few minutes it go super viral,
Speaker 1: and for the for the next couple hours, I was
Speaker 1: freaking out, Like the Democratic parties and shambles, what are
Speaker 1: they going to do now? This is unprecedented blah blah blah.
Speaker 1: The way the culture has rallied around Kamala Harris has
Speaker 1: been a beautiful thing to see. Like to watch the
Speaker 1: rallying of the culture behind Kamala Harris and to watch
Speaker 1: the I don't know what to call it, but like
Speaker 1: the internal resilience of black women and black female culture
Speaker 1: get triggered in this moment and create a movement behind
Speaker 1: Kamala has actually been really beautiful to see. Welcome back
Speaker 1: to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliott Connie, and as usual,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna ask the most common question I ask, which
Speaker 1: is what's been better since you listen to the previous
Speaker 1: episode and It's not just a question, it's training. The
Speaker 1: reason I keep asking is I want you to be
Speaker 1: to go through your life noticing the things that are
Speaker 1: pleasing you, because the more you can train your brain
Speaker 1: to notice those things, the more you can experience them.
Speaker 1: I want all of you to realize that in every
Speaker 1: single day, in every single week, there are things happening
Speaker 1: that are very very good for you and things happening
Speaker 1: that are not. That is true for all of us,
Speaker 1: and the people who are the most happy, most satisfied,
Speaker 1: most fulfilled are the ones who can train their brain
Speaker 1: to notice the things that are happening that please them.
Speaker 1: So that's why I ask you that question. This week's
Speaker 1: session highlights a conversation with Freddie and Jay. We dive
Speaker 1: into the layers of generational trauma that have created estrangement
Speaker 1: in their family. Jay shares her new observations of changes
Speaker 1: in her father and wants the other siblings to take
Speaker 1: the time to see them as well. Freddie desperately wants
Speaker 1: to prove Jay right and be the man he is
Speaker 1: for her and his other children as well, but he
Speaker 1: has to keep showing up. The family value system for
Speaker 1: several generations has not been reinforced, thus making the effort
Speaker 1: to connect very challenging. Generational trauma, family curses, unhealed pain, estrangement,
Speaker 1: and inconsistency are a plague that runs through many, many
Speaker 1: families until someone steps up and says, I forgive you,
Speaker 1: I see you, and let's heal and move forward. So, Jay,
Speaker 1: the last time we talked together with dad, he said
Speaker 1: some things that you had never heard him say before.
Speaker 1: What's been better between you and Dad since we had
Speaker 1: that conversation?
Speaker 3: I think we have a better understanding of each other.
Speaker 3: I don't know that.
Speaker 4: The way we interact with each other has changed necessarily,
Speaker 4: but I think we have a better understanding with each other.
Speaker 1: How do you know that? Like, what's different about the
Speaker 1: understanding having one another?
Speaker 4: I'm not sure I know what. I just feel it. Okay,
Speaker 4: I feel like I feel like he probably understands me better.
Speaker 4: I understand him better.
Speaker 1: And what are you most pleased with about what you
Speaker 1: see your dad doing here in the last few weeks?
Speaker 3: Help me fix my kitchen? So I'm pleased with that?
Speaker 1: Did he really?
Speaker 5: Oh?
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, I'm.
Speaker 4: Solid with projects all the time. He's very good at,
Speaker 4: you know, doing contractor work.
Speaker 1: So I've heard that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, some of things like that.
Speaker 1: Now, one of the things, one of the things about
Speaker 1: the way he's been conducting himself in the past few
Speaker 1: weeks that has impressed me is the way he's continuing
Speaker 1: to put forth effort in reaching out to SIA. What
Speaker 1: do you think about watching him do that?
Speaker 3: I think it's commendable.
Speaker 4: I don't think he's gonna get the results that he
Speaker 4: would like, but I think, you know, it's always worth
Speaker 4: a try.
Speaker 1: The reason why I think it's such a good sign
Speaker 1: is like earlier today, Freddy said, you know, he's been
Speaker 1: a runner all his life, and now he's facing this
Speaker 1: knowing that the potential outcome could be difficult, but he's
Speaker 1: still doing it. And I think that says something about him.
Speaker 1: What do you think?
Speaker 6: Yeah, absolutely, I definitely feel like he's in a stage
Speaker 6: of his life where he's kind of planning his roots
Speaker 6: and he's kind of decided to be prevent and be
Speaker 6: you know, more consistent than he has in the past.
Speaker 3: So I think that's a beautiful thing.
Speaker 1: Okay, cool, And what are you guys hoping we can
Speaker 1: get accomplished in our conversation today?
Speaker 2: I'm hoping that you can put us in the direction
Speaker 2: of a more positive direction, and for us to uh,
Speaker 2: for us to capitalize on building a stronger relationship between
Speaker 2: me and her and and and the rest of her
Speaker 2: brothers and sisters and and and to unify the family bond.
Speaker 2: I kind of I kind of like when she said that, Uh,
Speaker 2: she doesn't think it's gonna be favorable with Jason, and
Speaker 2: Jason could be sometimes And sometimes I'm a little stubborn too,
Speaker 2: I think, Uh, I think that kind of uh twinkled
Speaker 2: down to all my kids, you know what I mean. Uh,
Speaker 2: in a way it's hard to like get them to
Speaker 2: bounce back in a different direction. But uh, no matter
Speaker 2: what the outcome is gonna be, He's he's always gonna
Speaker 2: be my son, and I'm always gonna be able to
Speaker 2: do anything in the world that I can to help
Speaker 2: him or in that fashion. But I don't think it
Speaker 2: could be no worse than what it is now, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean, for us not to be talking.
Speaker 2: So if he's talking that to me and cursing me
Speaker 2: up of climbing one of the pegs on the ladder,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, we have a conversation, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean. So that's that's I'm looking at
Speaker 2: the outcome like that he had to get in. We had,
Speaker 2: like I think, we had autiful friendship and sometimes therese
Speaker 2: of that nature. They don't. They don't never disappear, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean? Some love this don't never disappear.
Speaker 2: We just hold back on the love is always there,
Speaker 2: you know. So hopefully that uh you know, I shattered
Speaker 2: that ice with him, not I just have to use
Speaker 2: different avenues. If I can't get through the directly to him,
Speaker 2: I just got to use a different avenue. So when
Speaker 2: when whenever that avenue meets with him, the topic of
Speaker 2: me will arise, you know what I'm saying, wherever he whoever,
Speaker 2: so that my name would be mentioned, so he ain't
Speaker 2: gonna be able to escape it, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: So uh, sooner, ladies gonna have to come, you know,
Speaker 2: come around.
Speaker 1: Okay, So if we can have a conversation today me,
Speaker 1: you and Jay that continues to bring the family back together,
Speaker 1: you'd be pleased extremely Yeah, okay, Jay, to ask you
Speaker 1: your favorite question, what do you what do you hope
Speaker 1: to get from talking today?
Speaker 3: I'm just gonna piggyback off of that one.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think that would be a great, a great
Speaker 4: thing to achieve some you know, I'm being facetious, but seriously,
Speaker 4: I do because as the oldest girl, I feel like
Speaker 4: it's kind of my responsibility to try and connect with
Speaker 4: with all the kids in some way and somehow bring
Speaker 4: them together. I do think that our parents across the
Speaker 4: board failed us in that aspect, as far as us
Speaker 4: knowing each other and making it their business to make
Speaker 4: sure that we have like had a relationship into our
Speaker 4: you know, as we got older teenagers, young adults.
Speaker 3: But I get it.
Speaker 4: You know, everybody's living their lives in different parts of
Speaker 4: the country and kind of doing their own thing. But
Speaker 4: now that you know, we're older, now it's our responsibility
Speaker 4: to decide if we want to have a relationship. And
Speaker 4: there's you know, the grandchildren at this point, our present,
Speaker 4: so they shouldn't have an opportunity to.
Speaker 3: Know each other as well. I did reach out to
Speaker 3: me just at one point.
Speaker 4: Asking her if we could all, you know, meet up
Speaker 4: connect in some way. She seemed open to it and
Speaker 4: kind of gently mention it to the other ones, but
Speaker 4: really get no response.
Speaker 3: So I'll try again, you know, I'll.
Speaker 4: See if there's a way that we can all see
Speaker 4: each other, see each other's faces. Like I saw Parrife
Speaker 4: a few years back, and I was like the first
Speaker 4: time I had seen him in I don't know how long.
Speaker 4: So I think it would be a beautiful thing if
Speaker 4: we could make that happen.
Speaker 1: What do you think it would mean for the family? Jay,
Speaker 1: if you're able to make that happen. You said it's
Speaker 1: a beautiful thing, but like, how would that make a
Speaker 1: difference for the family, for you to be as one
Speaker 1: of the oldest children, to take the rein and connect
Speaker 1: all of that.
Speaker 4: I mean, I don't know if it would make a
Speaker 4: difference for anybody else, but for me, there's a few
Speaker 4: few things there. So the four my siblings that are
Speaker 4: for my mother and my father same mother and father,
Speaker 4: are not.
Speaker 3: A unified front at all.
Speaker 4: So I think it would be very unlikely that my
Speaker 4: brothers would be involved.
Speaker 3: I mean, you know, with slid being enough and.
Speaker 4: Are like, I don't know, he's it's iffy, Nah, it's
Speaker 4: no relationship at all. So I feel like if I
Speaker 4: can at least have a relationship with my other siblings
Speaker 4: that it can kind of hopefully get us kind of
Speaker 4: have of the next generation having a relationship as well,
Speaker 4: and I think that, you know, we have to get
Speaker 4: to a point where families are not so disjointed, like
Speaker 4: nobody knows each other and nobody is you.
Speaker 3: Know, has a relationship.
Speaker 4: You know, there's like groups, like little mini groups, but
Speaker 4: at the end of the day, we all share the
Speaker 4: same the same bloodline.
Speaker 3: And I think that I just I just feel it's important.
Speaker 4: How come, because I've had a lot of friendships in
Speaker 4: my life, and at the end of the day, my
Speaker 4: family is what remains. And I still have friends and
Speaker 4: I have, you know, people that I feel like I
Speaker 4: always would be connected to, but you know, friendships can
Speaker 4: kind of come and go, but at the end of
Speaker 4: the day, it's family. You know that that same blood
Speaker 4: is thicking on water, is right. It took me a
Speaker 4: really long time to believe that, but I do believe
Speaker 4: it now, and I do think it matters, and you know,
Speaker 4: there's an opportunity that we should try.
Speaker 3: We should at least try now.
Speaker 1: You have said now twice, at least twice, how important
Speaker 1: it was for the kids to know each other, like
Speaker 1: the grandkids, right, Like, yeah, why do you think that matters?
Speaker 1: Why is it so important to you that the next
Speaker 1: generation of kids don't have the estrangement that you that
Speaker 1: you're talking about you guys.
Speaker 4: Having, because every generation before them is getting has got
Speaker 4: it wrong.
Speaker 3: So at some point we got to break this. You know.
Speaker 4: I know people throw around this generational curse you know
Speaker 4: phrase a lot, but for lack of a better phrase,
Speaker 4: that at some point that curse has to be broken.
Speaker 4: You know, every generation cannot be disconnected, and not not
Speaker 4: to say that everything's going to be perfect.
Speaker 3: I don't expect that, but you know we can.
Speaker 4: We can know each other, we can talk to each other.
Speaker 4: You know, my mother and her brother don't have a relationship.
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 4: I know my father has relationship with his siblings to
Speaker 4: a certain extent, but I don't know that is that tight.
Speaker 4: So I just feel like, you know, every generation prior
Speaker 4: has missed the ball in some way, and I think
Speaker 4: it's important that we teach our children that, you know, relationship,
Speaker 4: these relationships do have value and they are important. And
Speaker 4: if not one else in the world is there for you,
Speaker 4: the family will be.
Speaker 3: And I think we can create that bond and teach.
Speaker 4: That value system, then you know, our children won't ever
Speaker 4: feel alone, They'll never feel.
Speaker 3: Like they have.
Speaker 4: You know, they're always going to have their parents. But
Speaker 4: you know, it's not just about your parents. You know,
Speaker 4: there's the family is there. We come from a long
Speaker 4: line of people, and we should know who those people
Speaker 4: are and we should be connected to the truth of
Speaker 4: those people.
Speaker 1: Jane, what would it be like for you two? And look,
Speaker 1: this stuff doesn't happen overnight, and I'm sure you've already
Speaker 1: figured that out, But what would it be like for
Speaker 1: you to contribute to breaking the family curse? What difference
Speaker 1: did that make for you?
Speaker 4: You know, when I'm no longer here, I don't know
Speaker 4: that my kids have other people that they can, you know,
Speaker 4: feel connected to.
Speaker 1: And what do you know about your father that you
Speaker 1: wish your siblings knew?
Speaker 4: I wish they knew that he is not who he
Speaker 4: used to be. I wish they knew that that he
Speaker 4: has fought the good fight and he's been able to
Speaker 4: overcome a lot of obstacles, and that he he is
Speaker 4: someone that they can rely on, someone that he can
Speaker 4: they can talk to, and someone that you know, has
Speaker 4: a wealth of knowledge to share and funny stories. And
Speaker 4: you know, I think I think he's a He's he's
Speaker 4: a pretty solid guy, like.
Speaker 3: You know what I mean, Like I don't hold.
Speaker 4: Animosities towards him, so you know, I can see the
Speaker 4: goodness of him, and I would want them to have
Speaker 4: the opportunity to see that as well.
Speaker 1: I think that's really special about you. By the way, Jay,
Speaker 1: how did you get to a point where you can
Speaker 1: see I just think you said something so incredibly powerful.
Speaker 1: He's not the man he used to be. How come
Speaker 1: you could get to the point where you can see
Speaker 1: that in him?
Speaker 3: Because he's shown me he has consistently over the last
Speaker 3: four years. I would say, he's shown me that, you know.
Speaker 5: He he's available, he's here, he's present, and that he
Speaker 5: you know, he wants to care.
Speaker 4: He wants to show that he cares. And I can
Speaker 4: just see it, you know, And it's not, you know,
Speaker 4: some pie in the sky. He's shown it to me.
Speaker 4: He's already proven to me that that that's the thing,
Speaker 4: that's the thing for him. So I don't have to
Speaker 4: question it. I can see why his actions that you know,
Speaker 4: he's serious about knowing me and knowing my family.
Speaker 1: Man Freddy, she just said something, really, she said, he's
Speaker 1: not the same man he used to be. You can
Speaker 1: depend on him. You can rely on him. He's a
Speaker 1: wealth of knowledge and information and you can talk to him.
Speaker 1: She just said all of that.
Speaker 2: Wow, it's almost.
Speaker 7: Like, uh, fill this bucket up about me right now,
Speaker 7: because you know some somethings that a hot woman uh
Speaker 7: uh that this this fills your soul up, you know
Speaker 7: what I mean?
Speaker 2: And I feel that Uh. I think like a lot
Speaker 2: of people, that they remember the worst part about you, Yes, sir,
Speaker 2: you know, they remember the evil things that you did,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. They don't They don't remember
Speaker 2: the things that you're trying to make a missions for
Speaker 2: or the things you're trying to to uh to correct
Speaker 2: or or or to say you're sorry for Please forgive
Speaker 2: me for all the things that I've done wrong to
Speaker 2: you and you and your life, you know what I mean. Uh.
Speaker 2: They don't open up their heart, they don't open up
Speaker 2: their mind, they don't use They just hold on to
Speaker 2: the bitterness, you know what I mean. And I think that, uh,
Speaker 2: when you allow yourself to do that, you you could
Speaker 2: be eating up away inside, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: All that this filters keep filtering out, and your whole
Speaker 2: and your whole relationship with everybody, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: So you you gotta give a chance for a room
Speaker 2: for forgiveness in your life for people, you know what
Speaker 2: I mean. So if you see somebody trying to make
Speaker 2: amends or trying to make a change in their life,
Speaker 2: or have made a change in their life, and you're
Speaker 2: not willing to accept them back or accept that, uh
Speaker 2: to forgive them, then you know you hurting your own self,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean? Because like life is too up, man,
Speaker 2: life is way too short. The whole the whole animosity
Speaker 2: or whole vengeance or her whole uh built on inside you.
Speaker 2: You know what I mean. You got to release that, man.
Speaker 2: You just gotta let it just float up in the atmosphere. Man,
Speaker 2: you just gotta just let it go.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know what I mean. Look, one of the
Speaker 1: things I know about Jay is she's not very good
Speaker 1: at bsing like she's going to tell you how she
Speaker 1: feels about things. Would you say that's true about her?
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's a lot of conversations that I had with her,
Speaker 2: uh that the things that she said said to me
Speaker 2: that would you know, hit the bullseye, you know what
Speaker 2: I mean. You'd be like, sometimes you need somebody to
Speaker 2: tell you the truth, man, you know what I mean,
Speaker 2: not to beat around the bush with stuff, You know
Speaker 2: what I mean, to be like straightforward like bang. You
Speaker 2: know that's you know, it's like that. It's like that,
Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying. Sometimes you have a conversation
Speaker 2: with somebody and they just they just feeding back off
Speaker 2: what you're saying, you know what I'm saying, And they
Speaker 2: don't got they don't say nothing contradict you to what
Speaker 2: you're saying. You know what I'm saying. That it's such
Speaker 2: a show of agreement, you know what I mean. You
Speaker 2: don't want to have a conversation with a person that
Speaker 2: always gonna be yes, yes, yes, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: So when I when I talk to when I talk
Speaker 2: to Jay, and she said, if I say something that
Speaker 2: she thinks is wrong, she has no uh hesitation to say,
Speaker 2: pop that ain't right.
Speaker 1: Right, she has no problem that ain't right.
Speaker 2: Not commend her for that because the fact that sometime
Speaker 2: in your life, you know, you you you you don't
Speaker 2: want to sit down with somebody that's gonna be a
Speaker 2: you know, a yes man. Everything you said you got,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, like just to please you,
Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying they don't. They don't mind
Speaker 2: hurting your feelings a little bit, you know what I mean,
Speaker 2: just just to put you in the right the right path,
Speaker 2: and sometimes you feeling God to be gotta be hurt
Speaker 2: a little bit to like yo, damn. You know that's
Speaker 2: that's right, you know.
Speaker 1: Well, the reason the reason I say that is for
Speaker 1: her to say what she said, He's not the same
Speaker 1: man he used to be. He is dependable, he is reliable,
Speaker 1: and he is someone you can talk to. You must
Speaker 1: have done something to make her think that, because I'm
Speaker 1: betting in your lowest worst moment, she would not have
Speaker 1: said that. So for her to say that now, you
Speaker 1: must have done something or some things plural that would
Speaker 1: allow her to say that, Freddie, what do you think
Speaker 1: you've done that would allow Jay to say what she
Speaker 1: just said.
Speaker 2: I believe that sometime, you know, far as just to
Speaker 2: be uh, being acceptable to the things in your life.
Speaker 2: That's you know, sometimes people they'll sit back and watch,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, he gonna go right, he
Speaker 2: going all right back into real thing. He ain't changed,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. So sometimes people don't don't
Speaker 2: don't help you change, you know, they wait for you
Speaker 2: to feel you know what I'm saying, They wait wait
Speaker 2: for you fall on your face. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: Like with her, she gives you that help man, that
Speaker 2: that helping the advice. You know what I'm saying. She
Speaker 2: don't She's not waiting for you for the disaster. She's
Speaker 2: trying to prevent the disaster. You know, I think a
Speaker 2: lot of people just wait for you, you know, for you,
Speaker 2: you know, for you to mess up. You know, they
Speaker 2: feel more comfortable watching you and misery and watching you
Speaker 2: being happy, you know what i mean. So that's her
Speaker 2: whole heart. Her heart is so so so so developed
Speaker 2: and in a way where she she always gives you
Speaker 2: that helping hand. You know what I'm saying, Uh, helping advice,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, That encouragement. Sometimes somebody just
Speaker 2: need a little bit of encouragement along the way of life,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. And see this type of
Speaker 2: person will give you that when you're just about to tumble.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying, She don't hold your hands
Speaker 2: so you don't fall on your face.
Speaker 1: Yeah, she is all of those things. And I'm gonna
Speaker 1: say something to her about that in a second. But
Speaker 1: how did you conduct What did you do that helped
Speaker 1: her start to view you in a different way.
Speaker 2: Well, I think a lot of things that I don't
Speaker 2: I used to do in my life. I don't do
Speaker 2: that at all, you know I don't. I don't fall
Speaker 2: victim to a lot of things. Uh, I take a
Speaker 2: responsibility sometimes. You know what I'm saying. You look for
Speaker 2: their skate route, you know what I mean. And I'm
Speaker 2: not looking for that skate roum no more. I'm finding,
Speaker 2: you know, the right path to take in my life now,
Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying. I'm not always looking for
Speaker 2: the no longer looking for the way out or the quick, fast,
Speaker 2: fixed way. You know what I mean. I'm in that fight,
Speaker 2: you know, fight and fight hard, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3: And I.
Speaker 2: Enjoy my life now, you know what I mean, Like
Speaker 2: when I see when I see my friends or I
Speaker 2: see somebody that you still and life is so such
Speaker 2: in a term oil, you know what I mean. You
Speaker 2: know I can I can say to him, I said,
Speaker 2: you know I was dead. I know how it is,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I know, like that's just
Speaker 2: a miserable life man to be ripping and running that day,
Speaker 2: you know, after a dollar, after a drug or after
Speaker 2: you know, after you know, anything that's not gonna be
Speaker 2: uh favorable in your life, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: Just this just destroying you? You know what I mean?
Speaker 1: What allowed you to be the kind of person like
Speaker 1: I don't do the things I used to anymore and
Speaker 1: I can now live my life on on this other path.
Speaker 1: What allowed you to do that?
Speaker 3: Well?
Speaker 2: I think that you know, you gotta face yourself, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean. You gotta, you gotta, you gotta
Speaker 2: make sure that you you're right, you know what I mean?
Speaker 2: And life, because like, if you don't love yourself, nobody
Speaker 2: else gonna love you. You know what I'm saying. You
Speaker 2: don't care about the next day, if you live or die,
Speaker 2: Nobody else gonna care if you live or die. You
Speaker 2: know what I mean. If you don't care about your
Speaker 2: own well being, anybody else ain't gonna care about your
Speaker 2: well being. You know what I'm saying. You know what
Speaker 2: I'm saying. So if you if you don't care, and
Speaker 2: they see that you don't care about ship or nothing
Speaker 2: to you know what, they be like, you don't have
Speaker 2: that same sentimental They're gonna be like if you don't care,
Speaker 2: to watch your care. You know what I mean. If
Speaker 2: you don't love me, watch you'll love him. You know
Speaker 2: what I mean. If we don't put forth as far
Speaker 2: as like showing that initiative and life, well you care
Speaker 2: and you you you you are available to somebody for
Speaker 2: any thing in their life, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: If it ain't just to walk to somebody, actually walk
Speaker 2: to the store time, somebody could ask you to walk
Speaker 2: to go to the store form you know what I mean.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 2: It's not always the biggest thing in life that you
Speaker 2: could do with somebody. Might just be that little thing
Speaker 2: that to stay hard, you know what I mean. So,
Speaker 2: and I'm coming to terms with those things in life
Speaker 2: where I'm open. I'm acceptable to everybody else's well being,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, not only mine.
Speaker 1: We'll be right back with more family therapy. When did
Speaker 1: you realize you could do it? Freddie? When did you
Speaker 1: realize you could turn things around?
Speaker 2: Well, it wasn't exactly an earth shadow, mean an event
Speaker 2: that happened in my life that made me change change myself.
Speaker 2: I just got down on my knees one day and
Speaker 2: asked God to give me the strength to be a
Speaker 2: better man. To serve not only him, but to serve
Speaker 2: mankind and a positive aspect of life.
Speaker 1: Freddie, Freddie, hold on, I'm gonna stop you real quick.
Speaker 1: Did you just say, Jay, did you hear what your
Speaker 1: dad just said? Freddy? Did you just say it wasn't
Speaker 1: an earth shattering event. I just got down on my
Speaker 1: knees and asked God to give me the strength to
Speaker 1: change my life. Did you just say that that sounds
Speaker 1: like an earth shattering moment to me? You said it
Speaker 1: was an earth shatter event. I just got down on
Speaker 1: my knees and ask God to help me be a
Speaker 1: better man. And apparently, as evidenced by the things Jay
Speaker 1: has said, God answered that prayer. And you're gonna tell
Speaker 1: me that's not an earth shattering event.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, because like I'm not saying like as
Speaker 2: far as like it is, because you know, uh, his
Speaker 2: accomplishments is always you know, sometimes it could be the
Speaker 2: smallest thing, uh to you, and that's all you need
Speaker 2: is that's that's that that little touch of that little
Speaker 2: light at the end of the tunnel, you know what
Speaker 2: I mean. Ain't gotta be a big flash or big
Speaker 2: like a irene your atomic bomb going off. Could this
Speaker 2: be that little, that little touch of encouragement that he
Speaker 2: filled me with. AND's like, yo, you know, because I
Speaker 2: you know, I you know, like I said, I ain't
Speaker 2: think I was gonna be twenty five years old, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean. The way the way my life
Speaker 2: was going, man, twenty five was it was it.
Speaker 5: Uh.
Speaker 2: I couldn't even foresee it, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: I really couldn't foresee you because like my life had
Speaker 2: been taken away from me so many times, you know
Speaker 2: what I mean, by me being in the streets and
Speaker 2: by me doing silly, stupid things, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: I used to I used to even do things that
Speaker 2: what caused me to die, you know what I mean,
Speaker 2: just to prove my manhood approved that you know, I ain't,
Speaker 2: I ain't scared, you know what I mean. And I
Speaker 2: look back at those things that I did. Man, what
Speaker 2: the hell was wrong with you? You know what I mean?
Speaker 2: What was on your What in the world you was
Speaker 2: thinking about? You know what I mean? So you know,
Speaker 2: I thank God for me being here now, like reaching that,
Speaker 2: I mean, reach sixty five, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: I want to have a have a have a party.
Speaker 2: I'm hoping that that that'll come to effect, you know
Speaker 2: what I mean, and hopefully that everybody would attend. As
Speaker 2: far as my family and kids, cousins, you know, I
Speaker 2: really like more of like be a family thing a
Speaker 2: guy and than like more than a social work affair,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. As far as like my
Speaker 2: uncle's aunts, you know, cousins, you know, especially you know,
Speaker 2: my grandkids. You know what I mean. I'm kind of
Speaker 2: looking forward to because like I didn't, I never look
Speaker 2: forward to celebrating the birthday, you know what I mean. Uh,
Speaker 2: I was just like living minute to minute out out,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, And what kind of life
Speaker 2: is that? The half of and and being that don't
Speaker 2: really value their own life, you know what I mean,
Speaker 2: So you gotta come to self, you know, preservation Like
Speaker 2: I'm him, I'm gonna be sixty five is a joyful
Speaker 2: event for me now, you know what I mean. You know,
Speaker 2: it's monumental to me now, so it's accomplished. It's something
Speaker 2: I would never if I was twenty four years old
Speaker 2: and somebody asked me, what are you gonna do when
Speaker 2: you sixty five? I said, man, I'll be like I'll
Speaker 2: be blown away because I think I would never make
Speaker 2: it to sixty five?
Speaker 1: When is your sixty fifth birthday actually in August? In August?
Speaker 1: Did you ever think, and I want you to think,
Speaker 1: really honestly, think back to your lowest moment. You're incarcerated,
Speaker 1: you ain't talk to any of your kids, and however
Speaker 1: long did you ever think that one of your kids
Speaker 1: would describe you as dependable, easy to talk to, a
Speaker 1: wealth and knowledge, and reliable. Do you ever think in
Speaker 1: that low moment, man, when did you do you ever
Speaker 1: think one of your kids would say that? And not
Speaker 1: just one of your kids, but like one of your
Speaker 1: honest you know, Jay is not someone to just say
Speaker 1: random stuff. If she said one of the things I've
Speaker 1: learned about Jay, and Jay correct me if I'm wrong.
Speaker 1: But if Jay says it, she means it. That's how
Speaker 1: Jay is like. She doesn't just talk. If Jay spoke it,
Speaker 1: she meant what she said. And she described you in
Speaker 1: those four ways. Reliable, dependable, He's not the man who
Speaker 1: used to be wealth and knowledge, easy to talk to.
Speaker 1: Did you, when you were in your lowest moment, did
Speaker 1: you ever think one of your children will describe you
Speaker 1: in that way?
Speaker 2: Not at all, not one bit. I think in my
Speaker 2: lowest moment in my life that that would never have
Speaker 2: crossed my mind, you know what I mean, for as
Speaker 2: far as one of my kids to be let's say
Speaker 2: something like that, you know what I mean, because it
Speaker 2: would be extremely outrageous, you know what I mean. Sometimes
Speaker 2: you can't you can't buy love, You can't buy a verse,
Speaker 2: well spoken word about somebody. You can't buy that, you
Speaker 2: know what I'm saying. And you can't produce that from
Speaker 2: somebody unless it's real, you know what I mean. If
Speaker 2: it ain't real, it's gonna it's never gonna be manufactured
Speaker 2: like that, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: So one of the things I'm thinking is Jay has
Speaker 1: this really big goal. I'm not sure she knows how
Speaker 1: big it is, but Jay's got this really big ambition
Speaker 1: to like and I think the way she phrased it
Speaker 1: was to break the family curse. Jay, Did I catch
Speaker 1: that right? And like bring the family back together so
Speaker 1: that the children can grow up knowing their family. How
Speaker 1: can you help Jay do that? Freddie? What could be
Speaker 1: your role in helping Jay to accomplish changing the legacy
Speaker 1: within the family.
Speaker 2: Well, I believe my purpose in that or try to
Speaker 2: an influence or we'll share with uh the families and
Speaker 2: and and and make sure that they realize that it's
Speaker 2: time for the family to have the real capital f
Speaker 2: on it. You know what I mean, really spelled each
Speaker 2: and every everybody's heart. You know what I'm saying, because we,
Speaker 2: like she said, our family, we we Everybody is in
Speaker 2: their own world, you know what I mean. Everybody doing
Speaker 2: their own thing. You know what I mean, with their
Speaker 2: own little clique, you know what I mean. And that's
Speaker 2: their family. You know what I'm saying, and what you know,
Speaker 2: it's it's not extremely wrong, but the family is much
Speaker 2: bigger than this one one son and one daughter, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean. His cousins is, his sisters and
Speaker 2: brothers and grandkids. You know what I mean. I don't
Speaker 2: think we ever had a family reunion where everybody went
Speaker 2: bought T shirts, you know what I mean, Like I
Speaker 2: don't I don't believe that we ever had one of
Speaker 2: something like that. It's something that we should we should
Speaker 2: always should look forward to, you know what I mean,
Speaker 2: if somebody could just like initiate something like that and
Speaker 2: put forth an effort to make it happy, you know
Speaker 2: what I mean. I mean, like you know, to bite
Speaker 2: down on you know, you know, and make it happy.
Speaker 2: Twenty twenty people show it up. Maybe the next time
Speaker 2: fifty people show up. Sometimes word of mouth carries a
Speaker 2: lot of weight, especially like while I was at the
Speaker 2: family re union and they said, woll you ain't come?
Speaker 2: Ain't you family? You know what I mean? Sometimes you
Speaker 2: know you got you know, hit below the bell.
Speaker 1: When I talk to the two of you, I just
Speaker 1: feel so much love. And Jay, can I there's something
Speaker 1: I want to say to you about what you're trying
Speaker 1: to accomplish and said, all right, can I share something
Speaker 1: with you and give you a suggestion maybe even advice
Speaker 1: if I could use that word. You are capable of
Speaker 1: so much love and this is an act of love
Speaker 1: to be able to bring the family together. And the
Speaker 1: way you're describing and Freddy just said something that really
Speaker 1: stuck out to me, Like, you know, maybe the first
Speaker 1: time you do something, maybe a few people show up.
Speaker 1: And I'm thinking, like I think your job, as you
Speaker 1: reach out to your siblings like you would talking about earlier,
Speaker 1: is just to invite them into this space, like invite
Speaker 1: them into this dynamic that you have created with Freddie
Speaker 1: and help them experience him the way you experience him,
Speaker 1: and if they accept that invitation, great, but if not,
Speaker 1: just keep doing it because one of the things I
Speaker 1: know is love is a very powerful and contagious thing.
Speaker 1: Like eventually people are going to be like, hey, what's
Speaker 1: going on over there? And they eventually kind of attract
Speaker 1: to it. But the dynamic you're creating between you and
Speaker 1: your children and your father's slash their grandfather is a
Speaker 1: very powerful thing. And I'm not I wonder if you
Speaker 1: were aware of its power. And you can't make all
Speaker 1: the siblings see it, but you can cultivate it and
Speaker 1: nurture it to the point where the siblings start asking
Speaker 1: about it, like what's going on over there? And then
Speaker 1: before you know it, one or two of them show up,
Speaker 1: and before you know it, they bring their kids, and
Speaker 1: before you know what I mean, like, you create the
Speaker 1: environment where it flourishes. You can't make them come, but
Speaker 1: you can just cultivate it to the point where everybody
Speaker 1: wants to be a part of it. Does that make sense?
Speaker 3: Yes? Absolutely? I think I guess we're not ready. We're
Speaker 3: not quite ready for like.
Speaker 4: You know, the T shirts yet, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: I do think on a small scale.
Speaker 4: We can certainly start, you know, with those who are
Speaker 4: willing and let it build from there.
Speaker 3: For sure, absolutely, and I'm willing to do that.
Speaker 1: You're the right person at the right time to change
Speaker 1: the whole family legacy.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think so.
Speaker 4: I think I can do that, I guess for me though,
Speaker 4: for for Pops, I think the biggest part that you
Speaker 4: could play is to show up for them the way
Speaker 4: you show up for me, because and to continue to try,
Speaker 4: you know, because they're not going to see you the
Speaker 4: way I see you, and it may take some time
Speaker 4: to get there. It may take some time to get there,
Speaker 4: and that's okay, and we may never get there with everybody,
Speaker 4: but you know, we start with what we can and
Speaker 4: we take it from there.
Speaker 1: I just want to go back to something you said.
Speaker 1: I want to make sure we hit this. You said,
Speaker 1: one of the ways he can help you is to
Speaker 1: show up for them the way he shows up for you. Now, right,
Speaker 1: some of your siblings may make it harder for him
Speaker 1: to show up than you did. How do you want
Speaker 1: your dad to respond to that? Like, if one of
Speaker 1: your siblings makes it, you know, just not easy for him, right,
Speaker 1: How would you like to see your father how would
Speaker 1: like to see him respond to it when it's not easy.
Speaker 3: To be patient? You know, you just got to be
Speaker 3: patient and keep that fighting spirit. You know. I think that.
Speaker 4: The way you describe your relationship with Jason, I don't
Speaker 4: it may be just as challenging with some of the
Speaker 4: other children. So you just got to keep trying and
Speaker 4: just keep trying and not like not let it go
Speaker 4: because I don't think it's going to be easy. But
Speaker 4: you know, it hasn't been easy for us to not
Speaker 4: have you present. So it's not you know, tit for tat,
Speaker 4: but it is what it is.
Speaker 1: You know, you know what Jay like, it's not really
Speaker 1: fair for him to expect easy, is it? Like it
Speaker 1: wasn't easy for you guys. He's got to go through
Speaker 1: some hard too. And I don't and I don't mean
Speaker 1: like payback with t for TAT like you were saying,
Speaker 1: but like, it is what it is.
Speaker 4: When you haven't been present or consistent, this is the result.
Speaker 4: And it's just like need any If water in the plant,
Speaker 4: it's gonna flourish, it's gonna it's gonna live, But if
Speaker 4: you start watering it, it's gonna die. And hopefully you
Speaker 4: know the relationships with each one is not dead to
Speaker 4: a point that it can't be revived. But it's gonna
Speaker 4: need some sun, it's gonna need some some attention. It's
Speaker 4: gonna need a little bit of care, and hopefully, you know,
Speaker 4: you'll be able to get there. I would love for
Speaker 4: you to grow old knowing that we You know, when
Speaker 4: you're eighty ninety years old, you can sit back and
Speaker 4: be like, I tried.
Speaker 3: My best with all of them. You know, once I
Speaker 3: once I changed, I allowed my children to know who
Speaker 3: I am now.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that's that's I mean, that's beautiful. Jay Like
Speaker 1: and Freddy. I want you to hear her. They had
Speaker 1: to go through something hard, so damn it, you do too.
Speaker 2: Already. No, the pining that I probably put them through
Speaker 2: is layered up, you know. So if I break that
Speaker 2: layer down today, I got a chance to break another
Speaker 2: layer down the mall. So by the time Tuesday come,
Speaker 2: I'm working on another layer. So I know, like it's
Speaker 2: not gonna just the minute, just that quickly, because it
Speaker 2: been built up for so many years, you know what
Speaker 2: I mean. I think with my daughter, and I think
Speaker 2: I was in there. I was in there with her
Speaker 2: to the point where my kids was calling me on FaceTime.
Speaker 2: You know, they knew who they knew who their papa was.
Speaker 2: And then I think, I think I started lacking again,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I started off again, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean. I wasn't constant with it, you know,
Speaker 2: and then I go back into their life. Then I
Speaker 2: build back up again, then I lack again, you know
Speaker 2: what I mean. I gotta be more persistent at it
Speaker 2: all the time, you know, not just a spot there,
Speaker 2: a spot there. They gotta be in a and you
Speaker 2: as basis, you know what I mean. And I think
Speaker 2: that's the problem with her, you know what I mean,
Speaker 2: because like once you you know, you make it, develop
Speaker 2: something with it with somebody, and you keep pulling back again.
Speaker 2: It's hard for them to let you, let you for
Speaker 2: them let you back in because they think they're gonna
Speaker 2: I'm gonna fall out again, you know what I mean.
Speaker 4: That is so important because I know for me, like
Speaker 4: I don't I don't do like I'm at that point
Speaker 4: in my life. I don't do people who are inconsistent wet.
Speaker 4: We don't do that around here, right, So absolutely though,
Speaker 4: don't do that for my children. If you're gonna be
Speaker 4: a part of their lives. You're gonna be a part
Speaker 4: of their lives. If you're not gonna be it, then
Speaker 4: you know, go, you know, do your thing. But there's
Speaker 4: no inconsistency there. And Diana, like me, I'm a mother
Speaker 4: and she's a mother, and she probably feels the same way, like, nah,
Speaker 4: you're gonna if you're gonna be here, you're gonna have
Speaker 4: to be here because you're not gonna be pop pops sometimes,
Speaker 4: you know what I mean, Like this is this is
Speaker 4: not just a title. There's responsibility that comes with that.
Speaker 4: So hopefully you know what I'm saying. She she'll be
Speaker 4: open as you know, as things move forward.
Speaker 3: But there's definitely not gonna be easy. But you gotta
Speaker 3: be you.
Speaker 4: Gotta be serious about that part. You know, you set
Speaker 4: a calendar thing. Maybe you just know that you got
Speaker 4: to go down the list and call every single.
Speaker 3: Kid once a week, you know what I mean. He's
Speaker 3: let that two hours to the side. You got a
Speaker 3: lot of kids though, so you might need three hours.
Speaker 3: I don't know, but you know, you might.
Speaker 4: Just have to set that time to the side where
Speaker 4: you say, this is what I do at this time
Speaker 4: every week, once a week, you know, what I'm saying,
Speaker 4: and I think that might help you know.
Speaker 1: But Freddy, I asked Jay, if you would have asked
Speaker 1: me right now, is what is Jay's biggest ambition? I
Speaker 1: would think it would be to break this family curse?
Speaker 1: And I asked her what does she need from Freddy
Speaker 1: to help her? And she gave a three word answer.
Speaker 1: Do you know what that three word answer was? She
Speaker 1: said it a couple of times. Actually, do you know
Speaker 1: what it was? Did you catch it? Being consistent, keep
Speaker 1: showing up, That's what she said. She said it a
Speaker 1: couple of times, being consistent, being consistent, keep showing up.
Speaker 1: That's what she needs from you, because then the other
Speaker 1: siblings are going to see in you what she sees
Speaker 1: in you. And that's how families heal. I genuinely believe
Speaker 1: that there's nothing families can't get through together. It just
Speaker 1: might take some time, but you have to keep showing up.
Speaker 2: When I call somebody and they don't answer, or they
Speaker 2: don't pick up or go straight to voicemail, it used
Speaker 2: to bother me a great deal, you know what I meant.
Speaker 2: I used to get defensive about it, you know what
Speaker 2: I mean? But did I realize it was my own
Speaker 2: full you know what I mean. I was the one
Speaker 2: that established that feeling with that out or with that person,
Speaker 2: the only one who made the situation in the way
Speaker 2: it is, you know what I mean. So I don't
Speaker 2: I don't get I don't get like to turd by
Speaker 2: it anymore. I mean, like, okay, it ain't go too
Speaker 2: favorble this time. You know, if I call you four
Speaker 2: or five times and you still have an answer, you
Speaker 2: know I caused you know what I mean? You know
Speaker 2: I made an attempt. You know what I mean. Then
Speaker 2: one day, definitely they're gonna pick up the phone and
Speaker 2: voice their opinion voice they are they way they feeling,
Speaker 2: and I gotta suck it up like a sponge, you know,
Speaker 2: because I caused it the way they feel.
Speaker 1: One of the ways I want you to think about
Speaker 1: this is your children aren't mad at you. They're mad
Speaker 1: at who you used to be. They just don't know
Speaker 1: that that's now different. Jay knows. So if you the
Speaker 1: reason why Jay wants you to keep showing up is
Speaker 1: she knows something very important. She knows that who you
Speaker 1: are and who you used to be aren't the same person.
Speaker 1: And if you keep showing up, then everybody will see that,
Speaker 1: But right now, not all the kids see that. They
Speaker 1: don't all know that who he is and who he
Speaker 1: used to be aren't the same. So I want you
Speaker 1: to remember that they're not mad at you today. They're
Speaker 1: mad at who you used to be. They just don't
Speaker 1: know that who you are today is different. And if
Speaker 1: you keep showing up, they will learn that in the
Speaker 1: same way that Jay has. Because Jay now describes you
Speaker 1: as reliable, dependable, a wealth of knowledge, who is good
Speaker 1: to talk to. That's how she talks about you today.
Speaker 1: I'll bet you fifteen years ago that's not what she said,
Speaker 1: but that's what she says now. Let everyone else in
Speaker 1: the family recognize, Oh, this guy is different.
Speaker 3: I think it's also.
Speaker 4: You know, if they ever hear this, I would want
Speaker 4: to express to them you can't hold on to what
Speaker 4: you want your parents to be. You have to be
Speaker 4: able to see them for the human they are right now,
Speaker 4: right and not even.
Speaker 3: Just as a father figure. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 4: I think a lot of the challenges I had when
Speaker 4: I was younger is like I had this expectation or
Speaker 4: what a dad should be, what a mom should be,
Speaker 4: and then as I got older, I just kind of
Speaker 4: let it go, and I just say, you know what,
Speaker 4: I'm gonna let them be who they are, and then
Speaker 4: I'm gonna understand take the moment to understand who they
Speaker 4: are and adjust accordingly. So I just hope that they
Speaker 4: will have, you know, be able to get to a
Speaker 4: point where they just say, you know what, I'm going
Speaker 4: to let him be who he is and accept and
Speaker 4: be accepting of that and try to establish a relationship
Speaker 4: based on the truth.
Speaker 3: Of who he is, not the image that I want
Speaker 3: him to be right.
Speaker 1: And it turns out who he is is not so bad.
Speaker 1: Who he was was in by alcohol, drugs, the streets.
Speaker 1: Who he is is actually a pretty reliable, dependable, loving,
Speaker 1: caring guy. Ye but she but Jay can't show you
Speaker 1: off to the siblings unless you keep showing up so
Speaker 1: they get to see that. Freddy. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2: Great deal?
Speaker 3: Yeah? Do lie? Yo?
Speaker 2: Listen, Freddy.
Speaker 1: Show her that she's right, because she's right.
Speaker 2: That's my first ambition and in my life is to
Speaker 2: show her she absolutely right.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 1: Generational trauma is defined as trauma that is passed down
Speaker 1: from one generation to the next. This is very very
Speaker 1: relevant in the black community. The first trauma, being slavery,
Speaker 1: and all of the things that happen in coping with
Speaker 1: such trauma, drinking, Like, there are lots of things that
Speaker 1: happen in the context of that issue poverty. I mean,
Speaker 1: there's a lot of trauma that gets passed down. So
Speaker 1: how do we recognize it? I think we all know
Speaker 1: kind of what's good for us and what we should
Speaker 1: be doing that that is in our best interest, and
Speaker 1: you've got to be willing to break the pattern. And
Speaker 1: breaking a pattern is really really hard because whether it's
Speaker 1: a good habit or a bad habit, whether it's a
Speaker 1: good pattern or a bad pattern, we all rely on
Speaker 1: the patterns. So when you do something that is outside
Speaker 1: of the pattern, even if good, the system will have
Speaker 1: a response to try to keep you in line with
Speaker 1: the previously held pattern. So the pattern breaker has to
Speaker 1: be a very strong and resilient person and understand that
Speaker 1: they're going against the system and the system will push back.
Speaker 1: So the best way to know whether you're dealing with
Speaker 1: a generational trauma or not is to rely on your
Speaker 1: instincts that tell you what is good for you and
Speaker 1: what is not and follow the path of the things
Speaker 1: that are good for you. And understand the system is
Speaker 1: going to push back, and you fight that pushing. The
Speaker 1: other really beautiful thing is you don't even have to
Speaker 1: fully understand the trauma. That's actually not the goal and
Speaker 1: it's not the point. Your job is to get fully
Speaker 1: committed to creating a new pattern and understanding it's going
Speaker 1: to be hard. Stay tuned for my final thoughts after
Speaker 1: this as it relates to change. In how to recognize change,
Speaker 1: I read a quote in a book many many years
Speaker 1: ago that says a change is only a change if
Speaker 1: it's noticed whenever someone has caused you harm and someone
Speaker 1: close to you like a parent or a partner or
Speaker 1: something best friend. Change is also really scary because you
Speaker 1: also don't know if you can trust it. So the
Speaker 1: number one thing I would like to say about this
Speaker 1: topic is the way to notice change is to look
Speaker 1: for it and understand it's going to take a risk. Now,
Speaker 1: I'm not asking you to experience harm while someone is changing,
Speaker 1: but I am saying if it's one of those relationships
Speaker 1: like we only get one mom and one dad, like
Speaker 1: some of these relationships are so close that they're worth
Speaker 1: the risk, and actually having those people out of your
Speaker 1: life causes even more harm. So with someone like Freddy
Speaker 1: who is trying, just take the opportunity to look and
Speaker 1: see evidence of the change. Maybe you'll see something, maybe
Speaker 1: you won't, But if you look for it, then you
Speaker 1: give yourself the opportunity to experience something new, different in healing.
Speaker 1: If you don't see it, then continue to have a
Speaker 1: boundary against that person. But if you do see it,
Speaker 1: it'll change your life and change theirs in a monumental way.
Speaker 1: And I think that's worth it, worth it, worth it.
Speaker 1: It's important to ask yourself different questions on your healing journey.
Speaker 1: For the next few weeks, I will ask you a
Speaker 1: question at the end of each episode to hopefully inspire
Speaker 1: your inner superhero. This week, I want you to ask yourself,
Speaker 1: given that forgiveness is the greatest gift that you will
Speaker 1: ever give yourself, who in your family's lineage needs the
Speaker 1: most forgiving, even if that person is no longer with us.
Speaker 1: I want you to look back, who in your family's
Speaker 1: lineage needs the most forgiving and if you are able
Speaker 1: to achieve that forgiveness, what difference would it make to
Speaker 1: that person and to yourself. This is not just a
Speaker 1: podcast that I want you to consume and be entertained
Speaker 1: by I actually want you to be inspired. I want
Speaker 1: you to be impacted by this, and in fact, we
Speaker 1: can't help but be impacted by the content we consume.
Speaker 1: So what I would like for you to do is
Speaker 1: come on this healing journey with us. Come on this
Speaker 1: journey of change rediscovery with us. And the way to
Speaker 1: do that is to just pay attention to the things
Speaker 1: going on in your life as a consequence of listening
Speaker 1: to this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life
Speaker 1: shifting in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your
Speaker 1: desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of
Speaker 1: your success, your resilience, and your strength. And let us
Speaker 1: know in the comments what you're noticing in your life
Speaker 1: as a result of listening to this podcast and as
Speaker 1: a result of paying attention to these things. I would
Speaker 1: love to hear from you about your healing journey, your family,
Speaker 1: and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect
Speaker 1: me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can also
Speaker 1: send me a text message to nine seven two four
Speaker 1: two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is a
Speaker 1: production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network. Special
Speaker 1: Thanks to our assistant, Glendale Seppe. It's produced by Jack
Speaker 1: Queish Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S.
Speaker 2: S Fisher.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio
Speaker 1: app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The
Speaker 1: content presented on The Family Therapy podcast serves solely for
Speaker 1: educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a
Speaker 1: replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does
Speaker 1: not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable to
Speaker 1: consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any
Speaker 1: specific concerns or questions you may have.