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Speaker 1: Hello, everyone, Welcome UM this episode. Before we get started,

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Speaker 1: I do want to say we'll be triggering to some

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Speaker 1: of you, UM, whether anything has happened to you or

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Speaker 1: someone you know. We will be discussing things relating to

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Speaker 1: sexual abuse, physical abuse, and kind of just accountability as

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Speaker 1: we see it today. As you guys know, we just

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Speaker 1: witnessed UM Surviving R. Kelly, which was a docuseries six

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Speaker 1: part on Lifetime where we kind of got to view

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Speaker 1: the life of a predator UM and we listened to

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Speaker 1: victims stories, we listened to people who were there. I

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Speaker 1: do want to preface by also saying that this episode

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Speaker 1: will not be an entire recount of that docuseries Surviving R. Kelly,

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Speaker 1: but I want to say that this is going to

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Speaker 1: be more so surviving society. UM. There was a lot

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Speaker 1: of larger picture items that were brought to us in

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Speaker 1: that documentary, and whether you were on Instagram, social media,

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Speaker 1: group chats with your friends, phone calls about this after

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Speaker 1: the fact, you know that all of the things that

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Speaker 1: got brought to light were things that we deal with

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Speaker 1: in our families, with our friends, at school, at work, UM,

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Speaker 1: and definitely things that we all have to come to

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Speaker 1: face as a generation, as a society, as a community,

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Speaker 1: as a family, as a village, and it's going to

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Speaker 1: be up to us to not only start the conversation,

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Speaker 1: but also to go ahead and see where we can

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Speaker 1: make change. So I am sitting in this beautiful studio

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Speaker 1: with some wonderful black strong women, UM, who have not

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Speaker 1: only gone through some of the things that were mentioned

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Speaker 1: in the documentary, but also with women who are trying

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Speaker 1: to make change and trying to shift the narrative and

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Speaker 1: what we have been faced with UM over centuries at

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Speaker 1: this point, So I guess at this point, let's go

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Speaker 1: ahead and introduce who is sharing the mics with myself,

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Speaker 1: and let's start off to the right. Who do I have?

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Speaker 1: I am Jade Jade of All J's Online. I am

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Speaker 1: host of half host of Getting Grown, half host of

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Speaker 1: Jada Next d Um, mommy to Noah, wife to Tristan,

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Speaker 1: a real Niked also and across from me, we have hi. UM,

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Speaker 1: so you're listening to your most unapologetic sexologist. I'd like

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Speaker 1: to really get that out there, because I don't believe

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Speaker 1: I need to apologize for what is right, UM, Michelle Hope.

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Speaker 1: So I'm in the house. I'm gonna give you some

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Speaker 1: insight on education as I've been in education for over

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Speaker 1: twenty years, UM, been speaking on sex and sexuality for

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Speaker 1: the past ten and I'm really really passionate about reproductive justice.

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Speaker 1: I think sometimes when people here, oh you're a sexpert,

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Speaker 1: they think dick and pussy, which I can do. I

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Speaker 1: can't pop it, I can drop it. But what my

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Speaker 1: passion really is is creating equity for women and girls

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Speaker 1: of color. But in addition into that, really looking at

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Speaker 1: sexuality from a holistic perspective and understanding that as much

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Speaker 1: as we need to teach our women and grow our women,

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Speaker 1: we must do the same for our young men. And

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Speaker 1: we have to really be looking out for everybody. And

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Speaker 1: really it's gonna be some tough conversations happening today. I

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Speaker 1: feel like, no, absolutely challenging the norm. Absolutely. We'll be

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Speaker 1: joined UM a little later on with Jamila Lemu UM

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Speaker 1: and I want her to introduce herself UM as she

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Speaker 1: sees fit. As you guys know, the city girl Mandy.

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Speaker 1: I am one half co host of the Horrible Decisions

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Speaker 1: podcast UM, and so we focus on sexual liberation, as

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Speaker 1: you guys know, but also just bringing forth these conversations

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Speaker 1: that are needed in a healthy sexual environment. Um, and

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Speaker 1: so I wanted, I guess to start off, we can

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Speaker 1: kind of say, um, we did all watch the documentary. UM,

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Speaker 1: so do you guys want to Let's let's do abroad

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Speaker 1: um review of what we thought of the documentary before

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Speaker 1: we touch into the specific topics that stemmed from from

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Speaker 1: survive r Kelly. So what was your immediate interaction? You

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Speaker 1: did see a good amount of the six parts, So

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Speaker 1: what was your what was your immediate reaction to that

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Speaker 1: the ghetto? The ghetto was like not to make light

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Speaker 1: of the documentary, but I mean nigger, like we you know,

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Speaker 1: this is it, this is this has been a long time,

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Speaker 1: this has been a long time coming. Um. I remember

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Speaker 1: when the when the tape dropped. I remember when it's circulated.

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Speaker 1: I remember when co workers were passing it around. I

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Speaker 1: remember when high school students were passing it around. So

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Speaker 1: like I remember when the Alias ship happened. I remember

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Speaker 1: being a young girl talking to my mom like yo,

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Speaker 1: my like, this is not this is not right. You

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Speaker 1: know it wasn't right? Oh hell yeah, and a grown

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Speaker 1: man I was like married, mod I don't sound right,

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Speaker 1: Like that's not right. So I remember all of that,

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Speaker 1: but watching it in detail was the ghetto. And so

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Speaker 1: I'm so glad that we we do, we will have

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Speaker 1: kind of a wide range of even ages between all

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Speaker 1: of us. Because I was watching this and when I'm

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Speaker 1: seeing that these accounts were happening in I'm a millennial,

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Speaker 1: so I was ten, eleven, twelve, maybe fourteen when the

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Speaker 1: trial happened. So like watching this, I didn't have those

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Speaker 1: emotional connections um to seeing what was going on. I

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Speaker 1: just knew I was stepping in the name of love

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Speaker 1: in middle school at the dances remix to ignition all

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Speaker 1: of that. I was. I was here for Kelly, although

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Speaker 1: we knew. I knew of the Eliah thing Elia died.

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Speaker 1: I was in fifth grade. So those connections and knowing

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Speaker 1: what was really going on in the media didn't affect

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Speaker 1: me as a fan of his growing up, nor did

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Speaker 1: nor did I really have, I guess, the mental capacity

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Speaker 1: to know what the funk was going on? Um And

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Speaker 1: how about you? What were your thoughts? Cause you you

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Speaker 1: knew remember Indiana hearing about it that I was. He

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Speaker 1: was on the radio all the time. It was like

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Speaker 1: the everything. But I can honestly say when a j

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Speaker 1: nothing but a number came out. I was in middle school, right,

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Speaker 1: I'm dating myself. But I was like, now I know

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Speaker 1: what that song is about, and that is not right.

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Speaker 1: It's not right. I mean I I come from maybe

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Speaker 1: a different background. My mom was really open um and

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Speaker 1: taught me about sexuality. I learned about sexuality from a

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Speaker 1: very very young age. UM. I experienced molestation um at

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Speaker 1: a young age. UM. And to be quite frank with you,

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Speaker 1: like I knew at fourteen that what that song meant

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Speaker 1: going down. I knew what going down ain't now but

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Speaker 1: thang ment, this love that I have for you, it

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Speaker 1: will never change. Like I knew that was already predatorial.

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Speaker 1: But here's the thing, it didn't really phase me. No.

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Speaker 1: I was about like I was, you know, from the

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Speaker 1: bad I knew all that was creepy and predatorial then,

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Speaker 1: but I didn't know the gravity of what was happening

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Speaker 1: behind closed doors. I think we all thought he's just

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Speaker 1: a freaking athlete, freaking thought he was a freak girl.

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Speaker 1: I was, I remember, because I was big into English

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Speaker 1: and like all of it. And I was like, you

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Speaker 1: remind me, he is speaking about women like nouns exactly

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Speaker 1: like I just talked out on Friday, like objects, you

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Speaker 1: remind me of my jeep. I want to wax it

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Speaker 1: something like my sound an object, an inanimate object that

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Speaker 1: that Yes, he was telling us listen, I don't see

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Speaker 1: nothing wrong with my mind's telling me. No, my body's

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Speaker 1: telling me what is? And then and then was the

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Speaker 1: inanimate object sound? Then was Aliyah a jan nothing but

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Speaker 1: a number documentary? It was just telling I was like,

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Speaker 1: we knew this. I was really frustrated. You know why.

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Speaker 1: I was frustrated because you touched on it before him

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Speaker 1: when we were talking, before we started. I was frustrated

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Speaker 1: with myself and I had to sit there and say, Yo,

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Speaker 1: when did I stop listening to R. Kelly after I

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Speaker 1: already knew his history. I think about it. I really

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Speaker 1: loved the song with him and Sparkle, and it played

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Speaker 1: I can't remember where, and I downloaded it to my eyes.

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Speaker 1: This had to have been maybe six months ago. And

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Speaker 1: so to know that I too was still also supporting

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Speaker 1: this man after knowing the things he did. And I'm

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Speaker 1: an adult now, I'm a I'm approaching thirty. But to

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Speaker 1: know that I we had all the inside of the

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Speaker 1: world of what has been happening the cult situation, which

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Speaker 1: was episode five and six. We all just revisited this

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Speaker 1: in seventeen and to know he's still lie here touring,

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Speaker 1: He's still lie here having shows, which I think is filthy.

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Speaker 1: But I I remember going to work. I remember when

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Speaker 1: Trapped in the Closet drop, Remember when Ignition drop, I

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Speaker 1: remembering Ignition Remix drop, I remember twelve Play. I didn't

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Speaker 1: have no business listening to it, but I did. But

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Speaker 1: I remember going to work and on the morning show

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Speaker 1: every morning, Trapped in the Closet would drop a new

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Speaker 1: a new episode, and I would sit in my car

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Speaker 1: and be like, I'm not the fun getting out until

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Speaker 1: I hear this ridiculous as ship. It was so entertaining.

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Speaker 1: And then I know there was a shift somewhere there

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Speaker 1: where I was like, I can't listen at his nas

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Speaker 1: music anymore. But I don't know where it was. I

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Speaker 1: can tell you exactly where my I was so Trapped

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Speaker 1: in the Closet had come out. It was the Independent

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Speaker 1: Film Channel here in New York did all thirty three

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Speaker 1: of them in one sitting. He's it was beautiful art.

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Speaker 1: And I know some people personally who, um, we're a

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Speaker 1: part of that project. Project and we're very integral parts

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Speaker 1: of that project. And they fell in love and they

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Speaker 1: have a beautiful family, and we've been friends and I've

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Speaker 1: known them for quite some time. And so they said, hey,

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Speaker 1: come check this out. Um, they were not a part

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Speaker 1: of our Kelly's camp. They were just a part of

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Speaker 1: that production. I want to make that very clear. Um.

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Speaker 1: So I went, and then there was after party afterwards. Now,

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Speaker 1: me being the uh sexual researcher that I am, I'm enthralled.

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Speaker 1: I'm like this man for years we've heard these rumors

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Speaker 1: that he's into young women. He's um, you know this,

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Speaker 1: that and the other. And I was there, I was

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Speaker 1: looking good. I was at the after party and one

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Speaker 1: of his handlers came over to me and said, Mr

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Speaker 1: Kelly would like to talk to you. How old were

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Speaker 1: you then? Okay? And now I have lived a lot

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Speaker 1: of life. I mentioned that to you. I mentioned that

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Speaker 1: to you. So I'm twenty nine years old. I've already

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Speaker 1: started studying psychology, had already started studying sex research. Um,

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Speaker 1: I had already done my fair share of participatory research.

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Speaker 1: And I felt like this was a great opportunity just

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Speaker 1: to talk to this man. And why would he want

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Speaker 1: to talk to me. I'm twenty nine year old woman,

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Speaker 1: and this I think is interesting because it points out

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Speaker 1: how anybody can be a victim. It's not just about

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Speaker 1: young women. Um. And we chatted for a moment. He

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Speaker 1: gave me his number and then he started texting me.

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Speaker 1: You know, I'm not thinking nothing about it. This is

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Speaker 1: not the first celebrity, it's hopefully not gonna be the last.

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Speaker 1: And um, then I got a text. Woman said call

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Speaker 1: me daddy. Be sh I said, bo delete blue blue block.

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Speaker 1: And I was like, oh wow. And that was the

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Speaker 1: I did have not listened to R. Kelly music sense

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Speaker 1: because because it was just not really I had seen

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Speaker 1: all these things happen throughout history, and then when it's

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Speaker 1: the devil is staring you in your face and you

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Speaker 1: think it's not gonna happen to me. And as soon

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Speaker 1: as I saw it, talk to myself, they said call

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Speaker 1: me daddy. I was done. He was about to start grooming.

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Speaker 1: But I see, I'm literally I have like I get

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Speaker 1: goose pimples thinking about that. All Star Chicago. There was

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Speaker 1: also All Star weekend in Chicago. My little sister went

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Speaker 1: out there and I think she was sixteen, and she

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Speaker 1: called me and my mom and she was like, I'm

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Speaker 1: standing next to R Kelly. My mother said move now, exactly,

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Speaker 1: move immediately walk away. And I was like, this ain't

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Speaker 1: no game. Now he didn't try to talk to There

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Speaker 1: is nothing that personal. But it's interesting. I had an experience.

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Speaker 1: It wasn't no call me add and it wasn't definite,

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Speaker 1: it wasn't that good, but I I met. I got

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Speaker 1: backstage at a Kanye westconcert when I was eighteen. I

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Speaker 1: got myself backstage. Ironically enough, at the door, they checked

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Speaker 1: everybody's ideas and said, verbatim, we don't want no R.

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Speaker 1: Kelly stuff. But I'm eighteen. So that's where this fine line.

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Speaker 1: We can have that conversation, right. And it's crazy because

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Speaker 1: I have a friend now who is currently dealing with

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Speaker 1: R Kelly, and so I text her in our group

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Speaker 1: chat and UM, I was like, what are your thoughts

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Speaker 1: about this? Um? Because we actually had a group chat

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Speaker 1: conversation and all the CULTI stuff came out and it

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Speaker 1: it really, it really, really really really hurts my soul.

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Speaker 1: Her response was blaming the parents and blaming the other

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Speaker 1: girls knowing what they were doing. So this is the

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Speaker 1: conversation that we're now having because she too is sticking

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Speaker 1: up for him, just posted the King of R and

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Speaker 1: B and so. And I don't view her as a

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Speaker 1: week man, doesn't I know? I know and so to

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Speaker 1: know that I do have a friend and she is

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Speaker 1: a very close friend of mine, who she goes, she

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Speaker 1: flies out to Chicago, She's been on to Chicago, she

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Speaker 1: goes shows. Um, she is grown, she is over thirty. Um.

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Speaker 1: But when we tried to have this conversation with her

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Speaker 1: about what's going on, she definitely pointed the fingers um

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Speaker 1: around him and not at him. And so seeing where

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Speaker 1: her response was, I did go ahead and just kind

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Speaker 1: of shy away from the conversation. I'm gonna let it,

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Speaker 1: you know, fall down a little. She hasn't seen all

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Speaker 1: of the documentary yet, but she did say that she

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Speaker 1: does want to talk about it. Um. And so I

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Speaker 1: will say, knowing that you haven't experienced with him, someone

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Speaker 1: close has been around him. Although this is a celebrity

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Speaker 1: and we're looking at him as this god or or

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Speaker 1: why he can't be touched, or you would be surprised

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Speaker 1: how accessible this man has been over these generations. As

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Speaker 1: we saw in the documentary, he met a woman outside

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Speaker 1: of his trial. Hello, but I think that that I

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Speaker 1: think that right there is a great segue to get

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Speaker 1: us off our Kelly and recognize that there is an R.

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Speaker 1: Kelly in every funding neighborhood and a lot of times

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Speaker 1: in every household. So I want to start off, as

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Speaker 1: you guys know, they started off the documentary UM with

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Speaker 1: discussing his childhood, the fact that he was abused, and

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Speaker 1: so I do want to start off with more so

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Speaker 1: the adolescents and teenage phases, UM, where we stand at

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Speaker 1: that time, how we're viewed at that time. But I

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Speaker 1: want to get into something that I think is very important,

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Speaker 1: and in saying that a lot of men, unfortunately UM,

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Speaker 1: do not know that they have been abused or do

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Speaker 1: not come forward when they have been abused. I will say,

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Speaker 1: if I have ten men in my phone, at least

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Speaker 1: eight of them have opened up about being sexually abused

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Speaker 1: as children, UM. And this has come in the form

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Speaker 1: of either being touched by other men, but more so

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Speaker 1: the baby's or the mom's friend, the older woman in

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Speaker 1: the family. They all lost their virginity to older women.

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Speaker 1: And because of how we view sexuality when it comes

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Speaker 1: to men, they didn't look at it as they were

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Speaker 1: being molested or rates or abused. They looked at it like,

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Speaker 1: I'm the man. I lost my manhood by an older woman,

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Speaker 1: And I don't think that that's a narrative that should continue. Um,

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Speaker 1: I guess do you want to go into some of

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Speaker 1: what you have experienced being ten years in an abuse

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Speaker 1: and working with children. What you see is coming about

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Speaker 1: from why men respond this way? Well, I think that

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Speaker 1: in my uh professional experience, what I have seen is gender.

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Speaker 1: When we think about sexuality, we think about gender, and

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Speaker 1: gender is a construct. Gender. Uh. We have associated it

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Speaker 1: with biologically assigned sex. But gender is a construct. And

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Speaker 1: the longer that we continue to separate genders and and

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Speaker 1: really established, really did um ideals around what makes a

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Speaker 1: man and what makes a woman instead of looking at

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Speaker 1: us as humans. Right, humans have needs. They need to

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Speaker 1: be loved, they need to feel like they are appreciated,

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Speaker 1: they are cared for. They need shelter, they need food,

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Speaker 1: they need water. This is a human thing. But oftentimes

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Speaker 1: we use gender to oppress. The social construct of gender

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Speaker 1: is really rooted in oppression. So if a man can

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Speaker 1: say he's over a woman, he then can oppress her

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Speaker 1: and reign power over her. So we men don't want

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Speaker 1: to have their manhood removed because then that makes them

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Speaker 1: feel as though they have lost some type of social power. Um.

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Speaker 1: When it comes to communities of color, uh, men of

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Speaker 1: color are already on a lower ring. We think about

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Speaker 1: the matrix of oppression, right, who is at the top,

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Speaker 1: White men, So when we think of men of color,

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Speaker 1: they're down a peg so for them, and they're often

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Speaker 1: trying to prove their manhood in an oppressive environment, in

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Speaker 1: an environment that just oppresses them for being who they

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Speaker 1: are as men um and does not allow them, for

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Speaker 1: fear of being taken advantage of, to show weakness. So

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Speaker 1: by admitting you've been sexually assaulted, admits that you have

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Speaker 1: had someone take away power from you in the most

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Speaker 1: rawest part of humanity, sex, the part of humanity that

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Speaker 1: connects all of us sex. So if a man has

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Speaker 1: something from his sexual prowess or sexual power taken from him,

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Speaker 1: society will really shame him. So instead of allowing a

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Speaker 1: man to process pain, to have a safe space to

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Speaker 1: say this happened to me, we say you better buck up,

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Speaker 1: because that's not what a man does. And then we

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Speaker 1: start that programming. You know, we talk about how the

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Speaker 1: police oftentimes age up our men. We did that before

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Speaker 1: they did. We do it all the time. Stop stop crying.

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Speaker 1: Man up. That is setting the basics for toxic masculinity.

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Speaker 1: A healthy man can cry because a healthy human has feelings.

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Speaker 1: We have to separate. If a woman didn't cry, we'd

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Speaker 1: be like, she's fucked up and I was princess. But

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Speaker 1: if men don't cry, we say, oh, he's manly. That

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Speaker 1: is a sick idea of human connection because we cannot

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Speaker 1: truly have empathy if we cannot feel. If you cannot

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Speaker 1: feel pain, you cannot understand the pain you are putting

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Speaker 1: on someone else. If you're telling eleven year old boy

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Speaker 1: you weren't raped, you became a man, how then do

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Speaker 1: you expect him to understand it twenty one when he

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Speaker 1: raped another woman. No, no, no, girl, you didn't get raped.

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Speaker 1: You got lucky. Because I'm the ship, I'm that man.

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Speaker 1: And we have to get away from these ideals because

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Speaker 1: it just further divides us. And it's crazy because if

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Speaker 1: you sit here and think of what you were just saying,

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Speaker 1: the man up, toughen up, don't cry. You know, at

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Speaker 1: these young ages from five a ten, you're sitting here

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Speaker 1: grooming a little boy to be a man. And so

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Speaker 1: imagine if they're being taught those things, they're not gonna

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Speaker 1: come forward about their power because now they're trying to

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Speaker 1: prove to their parents, they're trying to prove to their uncles.

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Speaker 1: I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man. Which

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Speaker 1: is why even with a Terry Crew situation, him coming out,

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Speaker 1: seeing the response from other men and women and women, No,

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Speaker 1: it is, it is. And I don't want to make

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Speaker 1: this episode even um, I know we do have a

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Speaker 1: lot of men that listen. I don't want this or

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Speaker 1: for you guys to think that we are man bashing.

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Speaker 1: There is accountability that also needs to be taken with this.

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Speaker 1: I'm not yes, I just want to know. I already go,

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Speaker 1: but it could come off that way when when we

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Speaker 1: start to talk about rape and abuse and we don't

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Speaker 1: want it to do as women. I do want to

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Speaker 1: say that there is a shared part that we have

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Speaker 1: to do as parents. Teaching the young girls the same

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Speaker 1: way we do our boys. Well, I think it's teaching

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Speaker 1: our boys the same way we do our girls. I

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Speaker 1: think it's a language is really important in this conversation.

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Speaker 1: So if you catch me at some point backing up

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Speaker 1: because I misspoke. I want to be very, very very

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Speaker 1: careful with language, and we'll talk about that a little

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Speaker 1: bit later, I think, because I want to later on

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Speaker 1: when Jimmy La gets here, I want to talk about

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Speaker 1: the word, uh pedophile, because that is not exactly what

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Speaker 1: we're seeing with R. Kelly, and I want to give

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Speaker 1: you guys the definition. Well, we're we're discussing children right now,

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Speaker 1: and I guess we're going to headophile is under twelve,

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Speaker 1: So let's discuss the terms. I would like to do

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Speaker 1: that now, since what we're gonna be doing, um for

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Speaker 1: the next fifteen or twenty minutes or so is definitely

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Speaker 1: digging into the psychology of children. How we view children,

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Speaker 1: are expectations of children, and so what if a pedophile

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Speaker 1: is uh prepubescent, someone who is attracted or deals with

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Speaker 1: someone under the age of twelve, what would be considered

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Speaker 1: someone who deals with individuals older than the edge of Okay,

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Speaker 1: so there's three kind of phases, right, So there's pedophile help. Oh,

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Speaker 1: this is I'm gonna struggle with this, so you might

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Speaker 1: have to retake this her herbe phial herboile yes, which

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Speaker 1: is h E B P H I A L L Yes,

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Speaker 1: I think he fill. And then there is an A

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Speaker 1: there is a E Philip Philiphight. Philip, we're going to

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Speaker 1: retake that. UM. So the ages are a prepubescent is

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Speaker 1: a pedophile. Um. Then the second one is uh reaching

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Speaker 1: into adolescents, so you're just kind of approaching eleven to fourteen.

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Speaker 1: Then the last one is like fifteen to nineteen, and

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Speaker 1: that is a E. Philiphight. But the reason I want

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Speaker 1: to pay attention to that is fifteen to nineteen. We

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Speaker 1: put those women in magazines all the time. We use

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Speaker 1: those marketing and and or Kylie Jenner h are some

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Speaker 1: of these girls who end up Victoria's secret models or

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Speaker 1: bikini models. These women are fifteen to nineteen years old.

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Speaker 1: And to be quite frank, when you look at what

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Speaker 1: Kelly did, they were not pre pre pubescent girls. Okay,

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Speaker 1: they were that age. He's he's like a borderline between

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Speaker 1: the two and like the twelve thirteen, that's right at

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Speaker 1: pubescence all the way to like nineteen. When he was

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Speaker 1: caught saying when you're talking about teenagers, how old you're

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Speaker 1: talking which a lot of people thought was really fucked up,

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Speaker 1: and it was a fuck up thing to say that.

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Speaker 1: But when I start thinking about how our society glorifies

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Speaker 1: youth and beauty, Now, let's talk about being humans, and

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Speaker 1: let's talk about animalistic and let's talk about Egypt and

404
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Speaker 1: the back in the day. It's because you are most

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Speaker 1: fertile from like fifteen to twenty five. That was the

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Speaker 1: marrying age. Well, and you have to look at in

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Speaker 1: a lot of countries. Now that's what I'm saying. That

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Speaker 1: they're tying to fertility and reproduction, and they're tying that

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Speaker 1: to the most basic, like lowest level of human. What

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Speaker 1: we are trying to do right now is dissect at

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Speaker 1: a very high thinking level. Humans are savages, Okay, all

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Speaker 1: we want to do is keep our species going. And

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Speaker 1: so inertly, there's this thing we market young women. We

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Speaker 1: sell the ideas of young women. Think about the runways,

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Speaker 1: the outfits. And this is not blaming the woman. I

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Speaker 1: am talking about society. So when you sat here and

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Speaker 1: said this is not about blaming the woman, you are

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Speaker 1: on Twitter very actively, um the same way like I was.

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Speaker 1: And so one thing that I saw a lot of

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Speaker 1: men point out, And if we want to bring this

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Speaker 1: back into maybe the accountability of women or teenagers, if

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Speaker 1: you can even hold them accountable, would be the girls

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Speaker 1: in the club one enough clubs but with the fake

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Speaker 1: I d s, the girls lying about their age, the

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Speaker 1: girls going to maybe college parties while they're in high school.

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Speaker 1: And I will sit here and admit I did all

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Speaker 1: all three, all four. I was talking to men that

428
00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:09,439
Speaker 1: I probably shouldn't have. I was in the club with

429
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:11,879
Speaker 1: fake I d s um I was going to college

430
00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:14,600
Speaker 1: parties as a high school or under age. I was

431
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:18,600
Speaker 1: talking to grown men thinking I was cool because they

432
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:20,680
Speaker 1: had cars. Then they had their own apartments while I

433
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:22,879
Speaker 1: was in high school. And that's where that's where the

434
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:26,439
Speaker 1: conversation starts. Where we have to talk to talk to

435
00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:28,920
Speaker 1: our young girls and our young boys are young boys

436
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:32,119
Speaker 1: and our young girls very early about what's appropriate and

437
00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:34,400
Speaker 1: what's not appropriate. Right, so when you had to start

438
00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:36,440
Speaker 1: to ingrain some of those things in them so that

439
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:42,680
Speaker 1: they're conscious. Can Because my mom was like wild, Like mom,

440
00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:44,920
Speaker 1: I wasn't the way you said your your Your mom

441
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:48,159
Speaker 1: was very open and so forth. My mother was the opposite.

442
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:50,680
Speaker 1: She was very graphic in the sense where she would

443
00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:52,760
Speaker 1: be like yo, if anybody ever tries to get you

444
00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:54,680
Speaker 1: in their car. Don't you ever go in their car.

445
00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:56,520
Speaker 1: The things that they're gonna do to you after they

446
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:58,320
Speaker 1: take you away are going to be much worse than

447
00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:00,919
Speaker 1: them shooting you on Like YO, she was wild with it,

448
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:04,320
Speaker 1: and it came from a place of trauma, I believe

449
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:05,880
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. It in case you ever

450
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:08,440
Speaker 1: open up to you about anything, never you know, that's

451
00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:13,160
Speaker 1: sometimes I wish we would, yeah, but she didn't, and

452
00:25:13,359 --> 00:25:16,920
Speaker 1: it perpetuates a cycle of open I have a question you.

453
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:20,040
Speaker 1: You you started by saying that you're a wife, you're

454
00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:24,040
Speaker 1: a mother. UM. Have you experienced any sort of sexual trauma?

455
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:27,200
Speaker 1: I have. I was molisted at a young age UM

456
00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:31,959
Speaker 1: and then sexually assaulted as an adult UM. And also

457
00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:37,400
Speaker 1: it's it's just it's that's why those these conversations. It's

458
00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:40,840
Speaker 1: so interesting to see people's commentary like she's a fast

459
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:43,640
Speaker 1: ass little girl, you know what I'm saying. That's where

460
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:45,840
Speaker 1: I was getting at with that conversation. But then we'll

461
00:25:45,880 --> 00:25:49,959
Speaker 1: have when we're young, we're always trying to be older.

462
00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:53,320
Speaker 1: Were all we do, we do silly ship in the

463
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:55,800
Speaker 1: name of like trying to be mature, But that is

464
00:25:55,880 --> 00:26:00,359
Speaker 1: actually a part of the that is part of the

465
00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:04,840
Speaker 1: exact think it's so crazy that some we are a

466
00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:08,679
Speaker 1: perfect storm of opportunity when you end up with someone

467
00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:16,280
Speaker 1: a predator, whether R Kelly or anyone, a teacher, anyone, anybody.

468
00:26:16,359 --> 00:26:20,919
Speaker 1: Because in in adolescence, pre pubescence and adolescents, you have

469
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:24,040
Speaker 1: so many things going on. Your hormones are raging, You're

470
00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:28,679
Speaker 1: having all these feelings you cannot explain um. Your brain. Actually,

471
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:33,440
Speaker 1: the adolescent brain takes eighty seconds to recognize it's made

472
00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:36,199
Speaker 1: a bad decision. If we were to sit here for

473
00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:39,239
Speaker 1: eighty seconds. I do this exercise in my classes. I

474
00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:42,520
Speaker 1: sit in silence for eighty seconds, and I say, how

475
00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:47,240
Speaker 1: many other bad decisions can you make in eight seconds?

476
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:50,480
Speaker 1: Because they just start compiling UM, And I think that,

477
00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:53,800
Speaker 1: you know, we have to really as parents, we have

478
00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:57,520
Speaker 1: to really educate ourselves on how adolescence works. Because there's

479
00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:59,240
Speaker 1: a reason for the rebellion. There's a reason for that.

480
00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:01,879
Speaker 1: It's never gonna and to me, UM, I want to

481
00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:05,760
Speaker 1: talk about that for sure. It's there's a developmental stuff.

482
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:08,359
Speaker 1: And and parents think, I don't want to talk too soon.

483
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:12,440
Speaker 1: Guess when too soon is never? How about I teach UM.

484
00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:15,520
Speaker 1: I also do a parenting class for zero to three

485
00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:21,119
Speaker 1: early child, early sexual development, and children. You should start

486
00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:25,879
Speaker 1: building body autonomy before that child can speak, because language

487
00:27:26,359 --> 00:27:31,800
Speaker 1: is important. We know statistically black children go into kindergarten

488
00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:35,040
Speaker 1: fifty thousand words less than their white counterparts on average.

489
00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:37,919
Speaker 1: But guess what that means. That means that we are

490
00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:42,520
Speaker 1: missing out on opportunities to create body autonomy in them.

491
00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:46,920
Speaker 1: In some of those fifty words, they don't have no bottom. Vagina,

492
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:51,680
Speaker 1: it's not a huge, it's not it's not a cupcake,

493
00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:54,800
Speaker 1: it's not a baby's parent vagina, and it's a penis.

494
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:57,520
Speaker 1: And we and I teach my daughter um and we

495
00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:59,920
Speaker 1: could talk about this more when Jamila joins us because

496
00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:02,800
Speaker 1: also has a daughter the same age. But I teach,

497
00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:05,320
Speaker 1: We teach our daughter very much and have taught her

498
00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:09,880
Speaker 1: very early about privacy, about people, not if you don't

499
00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:11,880
Speaker 1: want to be touched, if you don't want to be hugged,

500
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:14,520
Speaker 1: then you don't have to be hugged. You are You

501
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:16,720
Speaker 1: are more than welcome to tell this person I don't

502
00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:18,960
Speaker 1: want to be touched. I like that. Well, we're gonna

503
00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:20,359
Speaker 1: go ahead, We're gonna take a break, and when we

504
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:24,400
Speaker 1: get back, we will have Jamie La lam you joining us, UM,

505
00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:27,080
Speaker 1: so we'll be right back. Hi, guys, And we are

506
00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:30,359
Speaker 1: back and we are plus one. We are now joining

507
00:28:30,359 --> 00:28:32,960
Speaker 1: with Jimmy La Lamu. And I don't think I could

508
00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:35,760
Speaker 1: do justice of saying everything that you do, so please

509
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:38,520
Speaker 1: let everyone know what it is that you do. You know,

510
00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:40,800
Speaker 1: It's funny. That's how my family feels too. They're like,

511
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:43,960
Speaker 1: you're a job like I do. I have a lot

512
00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:47,080
Speaker 1: of jobs. I'm a cultural critic and writer. I was

513
00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:49,600
Speaker 1: an editor at have Any magazine for many years, and

514
00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:53,840
Speaker 1: then I was over Interactive One UM as a programming VP.

515
00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:57,520
Speaker 1: And now I'm working for myself. UM. I've got some

516
00:28:57,600 --> 00:29:00,680
Speaker 1: consultant clients. The primary one as Girls for Gender Equity,

517
00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:04,240
Speaker 1: which is an organization and nonprofit that works with girls,

518
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:06,760
Speaker 1: gender not conforming and trans youth between the ages of

519
00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:13,040
Speaker 1: fourteen and five on policy work, mentoring UH survivor Circles

520
00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:17,080
Speaker 1: for survivors of sexual violence. UM. And I guess in

521
00:29:17,080 --> 00:29:20,120
Speaker 1: my role as cultural critic, I did appear in Surviving R.

522
00:29:20,240 --> 00:29:23,040
Speaker 1: Kelly as a commentator, okay, and you did a great job,

523
00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:24,640
Speaker 1: by the way, you was bringing some truth to it.

524
00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:28,840
Speaker 1: So before we before we left off, we were discussing

525
00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:33,840
Speaker 1: um pretty much the conversation that needs to be had

526
00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:38,160
Speaker 1: UM in the household with adolescent children. UM, not only

527
00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:41,480
Speaker 1: on how on privacy, not only on words and what

528
00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:44,680
Speaker 1: to name your body parts and private parts, but also

529
00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:48,720
Speaker 1: with communication. So before we left off, I did want

530
00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:51,440
Speaker 1: to ask with you saying that you have been a

531
00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:54,720
Speaker 1: victim of sexual assault at a very young age you

532
00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:57,200
Speaker 1: said eleven years old in as an adult, is this

533
00:29:57,240 --> 00:29:59,800
Speaker 1: a conversation that you will have and you have a

534
00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:03,440
Speaker 1: are correct? Is this a conversation that you will have

535
00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:05,960
Speaker 1: with her? And how do you have that conversation? Yeah,

536
00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:08,080
Speaker 1: I'm gonna want to ask you. I'm gonna have to

537
00:30:08,160 --> 00:30:12,959
Speaker 1: have that conversation with her only because I uh, I'm recognizing, UM,

538
00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:16,600
Speaker 1: where the lack of conversation when my mother has played

539
00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:19,440
Speaker 1: a huge role in how I communicate and how I

540
00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:22,880
Speaker 1: talk about things and how it comes back up later on.

541
00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:26,480
Speaker 1: So I don't I'm literally and let me let me

542
00:30:26,520 --> 00:30:29,000
Speaker 1: be very clear. I had a very wonderful black mother,

543
00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:31,959
Speaker 1: but I had a very black mother. You know what

544
00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:34,160
Speaker 1: I'm saying With a lot of you know a lot

545
00:30:34,240 --> 00:30:38,640
Speaker 1: of those UM, those those generational things that we need

546
00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:41,080
Speaker 1: to break that come along with that, and so she

547
00:30:41,200 --> 00:30:43,280
Speaker 1: was a wonderful mother. But there are things that I

548
00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:46,160
Speaker 1: definitely and I speak very openly about it on getting grown,

549
00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:48,880
Speaker 1: that I'd like to change and how I raised my daughter.

550
00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:53,240
Speaker 1: I don't ever want her to feel ashamed for anything that.

551
00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:55,120
Speaker 1: I don't want anything to ever happen to her. Let's

552
00:30:55,120 --> 00:30:58,120
Speaker 1: be but I don't ever want her to feel ashamed

553
00:30:58,200 --> 00:31:00,760
Speaker 1: for things that go on with her body. For I

554
00:31:00,800 --> 00:31:03,120
Speaker 1: don't ever need her to feel ashamed to come talk

555
00:31:03,160 --> 00:31:04,960
Speaker 1: to me about anything I didn't want to talk to

556
00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:08,000
Speaker 1: my mother. Sorry, guys, about the very first yeast infection

557
00:31:08,680 --> 00:31:11,280
Speaker 1: that came as a result of antibiotrapis well, I shared

558
00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:13,760
Speaker 1: on on my show, And so I'm by racial. I

559
00:31:13,800 --> 00:31:15,640
Speaker 1: grew up with a white mom, but everyone jokes and

560
00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:19,080
Speaker 1: said she's blacker than I am. She's she's that type

561
00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:22,080
Speaker 1: of woman. But I hid my period from her for

562
00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:25,520
Speaker 1: a year. I was sneaking pads, I was asking friends

563
00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:28,320
Speaker 1: at school just because I didn't know how to communicate

564
00:31:28,360 --> 00:31:30,160
Speaker 1: that with my body at ten years old, I was

565
00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:32,800
Speaker 1: in fifth grade, I did. I hid my period from her,

566
00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:34,800
Speaker 1: and it wasn't until she was doing my laundry and

567
00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:36,800
Speaker 1: saw bloody panties that she came to me and was like,

568
00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:41,000
Speaker 1: when did this start? And that too was because she

569
00:31:41,120 --> 00:31:43,320
Speaker 1: had never opened up. She she did grow up. She

570
00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:46,000
Speaker 1: was sexually assaulted. She left her house at fifteen years old.

571
00:31:46,160 --> 00:31:47,840
Speaker 1: She had to grow up very fast, and there was

572
00:31:48,280 --> 00:31:50,080
Speaker 1: there's still to this day now that you mentioned this.

573
00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:52,280
Speaker 1: She lets me know that bad things happened to her,

574
00:31:52,480 --> 00:31:55,520
Speaker 1: But what it was I still don't know. I still

575
00:31:55,520 --> 00:31:57,800
Speaker 1: don't know. She let me know that it wasn't easy.

576
00:31:57,840 --> 00:32:00,360
Speaker 1: There were people that touched her. She she was running

577
00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:04,720
Speaker 1: from a lot, and I guess between zero and ten,

578
00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:07,000
Speaker 1: I never felt that connection to even tell her I

579
00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:10,080
Speaker 1: was on my period. So I definitely think even now

580
00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:12,479
Speaker 1: my relationship with her and even oh my god, I'm

581
00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:14,160
Speaker 1: getting choked up even talking about it because now I'm

582
00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:16,880
Speaker 1: realizing that there are so many things that my mom

583
00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:20,440
Speaker 1: hasn't shared shared to me. And I wasn't assaulted until

584
00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:22,920
Speaker 1: I was an adult. But even my reaction when that happened,

585
00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:25,880
Speaker 1: I feel like could have been different had this been

586
00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:30,000
Speaker 1: a more open dialogue. Now, Jamila, you also have a daughter,

587
00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:34,760
Speaker 1: What is the will you have that conversation? How how

588
00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:36,840
Speaker 1: are you having the conversation because your daughter currently is

589
00:32:37,000 --> 00:32:42,520
Speaker 1: she's five and a half and we were pregnant together. Okay,

590
00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:49,800
Speaker 1: and so are two little wild birds. And so is

591
00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:52,640
Speaker 1: this a conversation have you had a sex talk with her?

592
00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:57,360
Speaker 1: The body talk, um, maybe the privacy talk, like how

593
00:32:57,440 --> 00:33:00,360
Speaker 1: is that conversation? It's definitely begun. It's definitely we've gotten.

594
00:33:00,360 --> 00:33:02,560
Speaker 1: It's interesting, you know, and listening to both of your

595
00:33:02,560 --> 00:33:04,920
Speaker 1: podcast and hearing you all talk about your experiences with

596
00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:07,840
Speaker 1: your mother's I say that my mother and even me

597
00:33:07,960 --> 00:33:10,440
Speaker 1: to some extent or somewhere square in the middle, like

598
00:33:10,520 --> 00:33:13,080
Speaker 1: a lot of classic black mama stuff, you know, like

599
00:33:13,160 --> 00:33:15,560
Speaker 1: hiding these things are just kind of like dancing around

600
00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:18,160
Speaker 1: certain subjects, you know, to protect you or perhaps to

601
00:33:18,200 --> 00:33:21,840
Speaker 1: protect yourself. And then also kind of what people joke

602
00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:25,400
Speaker 1: about is like permissive like white you know, white stroller parents,

603
00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:27,360
Speaker 1: you know, like and I know I'm that sometimes I

604
00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:29,600
Speaker 1: know other black moms seeing me on the street, like, wow,

605
00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:32,920
Speaker 1: you just don't let her. You're not gonna beat your child.

606
00:33:33,840 --> 00:33:36,160
Speaker 1: I'm not even gonna lie. I rolled up and Target

607
00:33:36,160 --> 00:33:39,560
Speaker 1: one day if Minniebilan was laying the funk out like

608
00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:42,520
Speaker 1: a snow angel. But it's like, you know what, what

609
00:33:42,560 --> 00:33:46,720
Speaker 1: you're gonna do. I'm but I would say that that

610
00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:49,360
Speaker 1: that is completely different. I was just talking to Michelle

611
00:33:49,440 --> 00:33:51,560
Speaker 1: the other day. UM. I have a friend who has

612
00:33:51,600 --> 00:33:54,480
Speaker 1: a thirteen year old daughter, UM, and she just caught

613
00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:58,920
Speaker 1: her daughter reading soft porn. So it was I was

614
00:33:58,960 --> 00:34:05,200
Speaker 1: excited about it, and she's reading yeah. And and my

615
00:34:05,280 --> 00:34:07,800
Speaker 1: friend's immediate response when she saw that her daughter was

616
00:34:07,840 --> 00:34:10,480
Speaker 1: reading this was I'm taking her laptop away. I'm putting

617
00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:12,719
Speaker 1: her on punishment. And I said, ma'am, no the funk

618
00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:15,280
Speaker 1: you're not on my On the phone with my friend,

619
00:34:15,600 --> 00:34:19,239
Speaker 1: I said, ma'am, don't punish her for stuff that we

620
00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:21,080
Speaker 1: know what's gonna happen. I said, you don't think she's

621
00:34:21,120 --> 00:34:23,160
Speaker 1: just gonna go read that ship on the school computer.

622
00:34:23,719 --> 00:34:25,920
Speaker 1: I said so. And I'm not even a parent, I

623
00:34:25,960 --> 00:34:27,920
Speaker 1: ain't got no kids, i ain't shot nothing. I'm a vagina.

624
00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:31,800
Speaker 1: But I do know the importance of those conversations, knowing

625
00:34:31,960 --> 00:34:34,600
Speaker 1: I wish I had those conversations. And I'm a very

626
00:34:34,640 --> 00:34:36,960
Speaker 1: sexual person. As a lot of you know, you grew

627
00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:39,279
Speaker 1: up differently. I did, so I did. Okay, So my

628
00:34:39,320 --> 00:34:41,600
Speaker 1: mom is a lesbian and she's white, and she was

629
00:34:41,640 --> 00:34:44,440
Speaker 1: a feminist and we had to have a conversation about

630
00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:47,040
Speaker 1: racism a couple of years ago because she's a white feminist,

631
00:34:47,200 --> 00:34:51,440
Speaker 1: so we had yeah, yeah, you know. But I have

632
00:34:51,560 --> 00:34:54,040
Speaker 1: to really applaud her because when we had that conversation,

633
00:34:54,440 --> 00:34:57,200
Speaker 1: she sat on boards. She's like you ladies, but she

634
00:34:57,280 --> 00:35:00,200
Speaker 1: was a white woman in Indiana. Um, and she kind

635
00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:01,799
Speaker 1: of just close to me. Black women kept saying they

636
00:35:01,840 --> 00:35:03,680
Speaker 1: needed their own and we kept saying, no, we're all

637
00:35:03,680 --> 00:35:05,840
Speaker 1: fighting the same fight. And she was like, Michelle, it

638
00:35:05,920 --> 00:35:08,719
Speaker 1: took you to like teach me that it's not the

639
00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:11,520
Speaker 1: same fight. Um. But I am super grateful that I

640
00:35:11,560 --> 00:35:13,960
Speaker 1: grew up in this space. Like I always tell people,

641
00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:15,919
Speaker 1: you got to go to camp on a wanna pea.

642
00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:19,000
Speaker 1: I went to lily Fair before there was Lilitz Fare,

643
00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:21,200
Speaker 1: and I'll never forget watching a woman lay on the

644
00:35:21,239 --> 00:35:25,560
Speaker 1: floor and breathe do breathing exercises into an orgasm. I

645
00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:28,920
Speaker 1: was probably your daughter's age five or six, and I

646
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:31,440
Speaker 1: remember being like, mom, what is she doing? And my

647
00:35:31,480 --> 00:35:35,960
Speaker 1: mom was just like, she is pleasing herself without touching

648
00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:39,480
Speaker 1: her genitals. And this is a very natural part of

649
00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:43,600
Speaker 1: being a human. And I know sometimes you you might

650
00:35:43,680 --> 00:35:47,479
Speaker 1: get urges to touch your china, um, but you can't

651
00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:50,600
Speaker 1: do that in public. And this woman is just demonstrating

652
00:35:50,920 --> 00:35:54,000
Speaker 1: how to feel pleasure without touch, and she was like,

653
00:35:54,400 --> 00:35:56,000
Speaker 1: and my mom loves to tell the stories how it

654
00:35:56,080 --> 00:36:01,840
Speaker 1: was like a chronic masturbator. Um. Like, I'm want to

655
00:36:01,880 --> 00:36:06,640
Speaker 1: be very very queer. That is a very normal behavior

656
00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:10,040
Speaker 1: in sexual development. And oftentimes when I do parent classes,

657
00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:12,480
Speaker 1: I hear parents say they're chastise their children and they

658
00:36:12,560 --> 00:36:14,879
Speaker 1: yell at their children and they're like, don't do that.

659
00:36:15,120 --> 00:36:17,359
Speaker 1: And that is the best way to open them up

660
00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:22,680
Speaker 1: to a predator, because if you are chastising them for

661
00:36:22,719 --> 00:36:27,040
Speaker 1: doing something very natural. Did you know baby boys can

662
00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:32,200
Speaker 1: be seen masturbating in the womb No way, Yeah, because

663
00:36:32,239 --> 00:36:36,439
Speaker 1: to them it's not sexual. To them, it's body exploration

664
00:36:36,480 --> 00:36:38,160
Speaker 1: and they touch a part of their body, like, man,

665
00:36:38,239 --> 00:36:41,000
Speaker 1: this feels good. At that age between the ages of

666
00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:44,600
Speaker 1: like infancy to like five and six, it is not

667
00:36:45,239 --> 00:36:48,520
Speaker 1: for a purpose of orgasm. It is so it's like

668
00:36:48,560 --> 00:36:50,640
Speaker 1: sucking yourself and it always feels good. That's why you

669
00:36:50,640 --> 00:36:53,040
Speaker 1: see it at nap time, That's why you see it

670
00:36:53,080 --> 00:36:59,719
Speaker 1: at bedtimes, you know. And so I'll say, my mother,

671
00:36:59,840 --> 00:37:01,880
Speaker 1: I think had a very good approach to it, and

672
00:37:01,920 --> 00:37:04,480
Speaker 1: I won't talk about you know, my child and if

673
00:37:04,480 --> 00:37:06,680
Speaker 1: she's done or you know, but just that our approach

674
00:37:06,719 --> 00:37:08,960
Speaker 1: to that is similar. So if that's something that we

675
00:37:08,960 --> 00:37:11,759
Speaker 1: were to catch her, you know, doing, it's one of course,

676
00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:15,120
Speaker 1: we have to talk about dirty kid hands and what

677
00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:18,719
Speaker 1: that can cause them. But that explained that part of

678
00:37:18,719 --> 00:37:22,000
Speaker 1: her body is natural, you know, it's really just okay,

679
00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:23,800
Speaker 1: you know, you can't do this when you're on the

680
00:37:23,800 --> 00:37:27,160
Speaker 1: playground with your friends, you can't do this at school.

681
00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:29,560
Speaker 1: But I also don't want to create shame around that

682
00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:32,560
Speaker 1: part of her body, so that when somebody unlocks that button,

683
00:37:33,040 --> 00:37:36,040
Speaker 1: you know, this thing that she's been curious about, now

684
00:37:36,080 --> 00:37:40,160
Speaker 1: that she's you know, she'll be vulnerable to them. Um,

685
00:37:40,200 --> 00:37:42,560
Speaker 1: I'll just say, you know, to your question about how

686
00:37:42,600 --> 00:37:45,240
Speaker 1: I talked to her about predators and sex in general,

687
00:37:45,239 --> 00:37:47,160
Speaker 1: I think we've had a very progressive you know, and

688
00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:49,560
Speaker 1: as in my parents like a new body part names.

689
00:37:49,600 --> 00:37:51,640
Speaker 1: So even though we might have said pocketbook, I think

690
00:37:51,680 --> 00:37:54,279
Speaker 1: it was private area probably became privacy or you know,

691
00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:56,400
Speaker 1: I have a have an itch in my private area

692
00:37:56,440 --> 00:37:58,719
Speaker 1: and my privacy. When I was a little kid, I

693
00:37:58,719 --> 00:38:00,960
Speaker 1: still knew vagina and this, and she you know, and

694
00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:03,160
Speaker 1: she has a younger brother and they bathed together, so

695
00:38:03,480 --> 00:38:06,719
Speaker 1: she's seen a penis. She's clear they have different equipment,

696
00:38:07,360 --> 00:38:09,840
Speaker 1: you know, and she's not terribly curious about it, but

697
00:38:09,920 --> 00:38:12,000
Speaker 1: like curious. And that's like, okay, you know he's got

698
00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:17,000
Speaker 1: this thing. I've got that thing. Um, but we I'm

699
00:38:17,040 --> 00:38:19,360
Speaker 1: not hiding him much from her, you know, Like she

700
00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:21,560
Speaker 1: saw the beginning of the R. Kelly documentary. I wasn't

701
00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:23,200
Speaker 1: the force and let her sit through all of it,

702
00:38:23,320 --> 00:38:25,320
Speaker 1: but you know, she was getting ready to go to bed.

703
00:38:25,480 --> 00:38:27,240
Speaker 1: I let her get a glimpse of mommy on TV.

704
00:38:27,440 --> 00:38:30,240
Speaker 1: That's something that's always exciting to her. And it's funny

705
00:38:30,280 --> 00:38:32,480
Speaker 1: because she said, so, when did R. Kelly die? And

706
00:38:32,520 --> 00:38:41,120
Speaker 1: I was like, well, she didn't. He didn't die, she said,

707
00:38:41,719 --> 00:38:43,640
Speaker 1: because I told her once we were in a store

708
00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:45,799
Speaker 1: and they were playing one of his songs on the radio,

709
00:38:45,880 --> 00:38:47,879
Speaker 1: might have been I Believe I Can Fly or Ignition something.

710
00:38:47,920 --> 00:38:49,640
Speaker 1: I knew that she would hear again. And my daughter

711
00:38:49,680 --> 00:38:52,080
Speaker 1: loves music. She loves old school music. And I said,

712
00:38:52,600 --> 00:38:56,399
Speaker 1: you must know that this is a bad man. When

713
00:38:56,440 --> 00:38:58,359
Speaker 1: you hear his music, you don't dance. And she said,

714
00:38:58,400 --> 00:38:59,879
Speaker 1: why is he a bad man, I said, he heard

715
00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:03,080
Speaker 1: black women and girls, you know, and so why why

716
00:39:03,080 --> 00:39:04,600
Speaker 1: are you in this movie about him? Why is there

717
00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:06,600
Speaker 1: a movie about him? Because he's done bad things, so

718
00:39:06,640 --> 00:39:08,760
Speaker 1: a lot of black women and girls and that's important.

719
00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:11,719
Speaker 1: So she recognizes him as a bad person. And the

720
00:39:11,760 --> 00:39:13,560
Speaker 1: only thing we really talked about beyond that from the

721
00:39:13,560 --> 00:39:15,839
Speaker 1: documentary because she saw I put her to bed during

722
00:39:15,840 --> 00:39:17,839
Speaker 1: the Eliah section. You know, she asked about who lah

723
00:39:17,880 --> 00:39:21,160
Speaker 1: it was and you know, and I said, little girls

724
00:39:21,160 --> 00:39:25,040
Speaker 1: do not have adult boyfriends. Perfect, you don't have adult friends,

725
00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:27,040
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, You have my friends, because

726
00:39:27,040 --> 00:39:28,839
Speaker 1: she does have a lot of play uncles and people

727
00:39:28,880 --> 00:39:30,880
Speaker 1: who you know, not she's only met one person I

728
00:39:30,920 --> 00:39:33,040
Speaker 1: was dating and it was a serious relationship. But aside

729
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:35,000
Speaker 1: from that, you know, the men that are around are

730
00:39:35,040 --> 00:39:38,160
Speaker 1: my friends and so and people that I trust her with.

731
00:39:38,200 --> 00:39:40,160
Speaker 1: And there's only a handful of them that she would

732
00:39:40,160 --> 00:39:42,440
Speaker 1: be around them one on one, you know, because I

733
00:39:42,440 --> 00:39:44,600
Speaker 1: don't want to ritualize or normalize, like could just be

734
00:39:44,640 --> 00:39:46,600
Speaker 1: with men. You know, these are people that you know,

735
00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:50,080
Speaker 1: a godfather or father's best friend, my best friend, um,

736
00:39:50,120 --> 00:39:52,640
Speaker 1: but that these are not your friends, these mommy's friends.

737
00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:54,319
Speaker 1: These are people who care about you. These are people

738
00:39:54,320 --> 00:39:56,480
Speaker 1: that are part of your village. And even with that,

739
00:39:57,120 --> 00:39:59,200
Speaker 1: you know, there's still a level with the women too.

740
00:39:59,520 --> 00:40:01,640
Speaker 1: You know. It's everyone, you know, not as does anyone

741
00:40:01,719 --> 00:40:04,040
Speaker 1: touched you, you know when you're not with me. How

742
00:40:04,160 --> 00:40:06,200
Speaker 1: you know how you treated at school? How do you

743
00:40:06,200 --> 00:40:08,400
Speaker 1: know if you needed help wiping yourself when you're in daycare?

744
00:40:08,440 --> 00:40:10,560
Speaker 1: You know, like when she was in daycare, I'd asked,

745
00:40:10,560 --> 00:40:12,120
Speaker 1: you know, was so and so do it? How did

746
00:40:12,120 --> 00:40:14,120
Speaker 1: they do it? You know? And usually there were they

747
00:40:14,120 --> 00:40:15,720
Speaker 1: were hands off. There were times when I'm like, yo,

748
00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:18,480
Speaker 1: she needs some help in the bathroom. Smell like page,

749
00:40:18,600 --> 00:40:21,120
Speaker 1: But I did, you know, And I respect and understand

750
00:40:21,120 --> 00:40:23,080
Speaker 1: the kind of fear of like, you know, not wanting

751
00:40:23,120 --> 00:40:25,120
Speaker 1: to do more than handing her a baby, wife and

752
00:40:25,160 --> 00:40:27,200
Speaker 1: just standing by the door as opposed to getting in

753
00:40:27,200 --> 00:40:28,799
Speaker 1: there when she needed somebody to do it because she

754
00:40:28,880 --> 00:40:32,560
Speaker 1: was three, right, you know, Well, what you say, um, Jade,

755
00:40:32,560 --> 00:40:34,840
Speaker 1: what you've said in Michelle, what you've said is the

756
00:40:35,000 --> 00:40:37,200
Speaker 1: education that starts in the household. And I feel like

757
00:40:37,520 --> 00:40:40,000
Speaker 1: that is more so needed than anything because of the

758
00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:44,279
Speaker 1: lack of sex education. And absolutely they're not. And I remember, um,

759
00:40:44,280 --> 00:40:46,960
Speaker 1: and I'm I'm class of oh nine. Um, sex said,

760
00:40:47,719 --> 00:40:51,440
Speaker 1: was an elective one semester in high school, and it's

761
00:40:51,440 --> 00:40:54,400
Speaker 1: still pretty much was be absinent, don't have sex, or

762
00:40:54,440 --> 00:40:58,520
Speaker 1: your diagrate pregnant, and there was really it was more yeah, um,

763
00:40:58,560 --> 00:41:02,839
Speaker 1: we talked about yesterday and it was more so scared tax. Now.

764
00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:05,319
Speaker 1: I went to a public school in Orlando, Florida. Um,

765
00:41:05,560 --> 00:41:11,000
Speaker 1: and it does teach sex, said as yes, but they

766
00:41:11,200 --> 00:41:14,359
Speaker 1: really push abstinence, so they use a lot of scared.

767
00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:17,160
Speaker 1: It's a lot of scared tactics involved. It's not accurate

768
00:41:17,280 --> 00:41:20,000
Speaker 1: or inclusive. Well and not only that, I remember even

769
00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:23,960
Speaker 1: being in sex said, um, ship, maybe half the half

770
00:41:24,000 --> 00:41:28,080
Speaker 1: the semester was nutrition, so it was like se yes.

771
00:41:28,480 --> 00:41:30,239
Speaker 1: So I'm just like and it was kind of as

772
00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:33,239
Speaker 1: like a physical educate like course and I'm just like

773
00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:37,319
Speaker 1: when I finally got, you know, and into fucking, I

774
00:41:37,440 --> 00:41:40,799
Speaker 1: was like that did absolutely nothing for me. It was

775
00:41:40,840 --> 00:41:43,920
Speaker 1: still very much not talked about in the household. So

776
00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:47,440
Speaker 1: the fact that you have began talking with your child

777
00:41:47,480 --> 00:41:50,240
Speaker 1: and you do the same, I think that it's more needed,

778
00:41:50,640 --> 00:41:54,200
Speaker 1: um with women and boys, but not pushing our men

779
00:41:54,239 --> 00:41:56,959
Speaker 1: to have sex and not sitting here telling women there

780
00:41:57,280 --> 00:42:00,480
Speaker 1: to do horrible, but if they have it, like, there

781
00:42:00,480 --> 00:42:03,120
Speaker 1: has to be some sort of middle dialogue to let

782
00:42:03,160 --> 00:42:05,960
Speaker 1: people know, like we're humans. This is how it's going

783
00:42:06,000 --> 00:42:08,680
Speaker 1: to happen. We pleasure ourselves, we touch ourselves, it's we're

784
00:42:08,760 --> 00:42:11,200
Speaker 1: human beings. Well, I think what we have to remember

785
00:42:11,239 --> 00:42:13,239
Speaker 1: and this is something we don't talk about. So for

786
00:42:13,320 --> 00:42:15,120
Speaker 1: me and the work that I do, you know, I'm

787
00:42:15,200 --> 00:42:18,480
Speaker 1: I see myself as an activist, a reproductive justice activists,

788
00:42:18,520 --> 00:42:21,600
Speaker 1: as social activists, but I am a firm believer. And

789
00:42:21,640 --> 00:42:23,520
Speaker 1: I've said this before and I will say it, a

790
00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:27,640
Speaker 1: large part of the generational poverty that Black people experience

791
00:42:28,040 --> 00:42:33,759
Speaker 1: is rooted in sexuality because sexuality touches every single part

792
00:42:33,760 --> 00:42:38,120
Speaker 1: of our lives gender, um or identity, which would income

793
00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:41,680
Speaker 1: as gender and body image, sexual reproductive health. Look at

794
00:42:41,719 --> 00:42:44,120
Speaker 1: the disparities and S t I, S and HIV rates

795
00:42:44,120 --> 00:42:48,359
Speaker 1: across the nation, um sexualization, which you guys have been

796
00:42:48,360 --> 00:42:53,000
Speaker 1: talking about the Black women specifically, but not only that.

797
00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:56,880
Speaker 1: Here's the thing about sexualization. It's on a spectrum. So

798
00:42:56,920 --> 00:42:59,480
Speaker 1: on the healthy part you have flirting and how to

799
00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:01,720
Speaker 1: be able to attract a mate, and on the really

800
00:43:01,800 --> 00:43:04,600
Speaker 1: disgusting part, you have what we saw in the last

801
00:43:04,719 --> 00:43:08,719
Speaker 1: three nights of this um Um surviving R Kelly. You

802
00:43:08,760 --> 00:43:13,359
Speaker 1: have sensuality, which is about being okay with your body right.

803
00:43:13,640 --> 00:43:17,399
Speaker 1: You have reproductive rights, which is we're starting to see

804
00:43:17,440 --> 00:43:21,640
Speaker 1: chipped away from the Trump administration. And and and and

805
00:43:21,719 --> 00:43:27,360
Speaker 1: then you have society because your values, your religious background,

806
00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:30,200
Speaker 1: all of these things come to play. Your experience with

807
00:43:30,239 --> 00:43:33,959
Speaker 1: your mother um come into play. And that is what

808
00:43:34,160 --> 00:43:36,040
Speaker 1: gets us two places where we see high rates of

809
00:43:36,040 --> 00:43:39,799
Speaker 1: intimate partner violence. The CDC just said black women from

810
00:43:39,920 --> 00:43:42,360
Speaker 1: zero to somewhere around thirty five, homicide is in the

811
00:43:42,400 --> 00:43:45,480
Speaker 1: top three causes of death, Like we have to understand

812
00:43:45,520 --> 00:43:48,960
Speaker 1: careful saying that I was on the breakfast club with

813
00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:51,239
Speaker 1: someone who gave that statistic, and have had to deal

814
00:43:51,280 --> 00:43:54,319
Speaker 1: with two years of black men accusing me of being

815
00:43:54,400 --> 00:43:55,920
Speaker 1: at war with black Oh no, I'm not at war

816
00:43:56,280 --> 00:44:00,800
Speaker 1: men mentioning that for I want to say, it's black

817
00:44:01,360 --> 00:44:05,160
Speaker 1: women and girls between the ages of fourteen the number

818
00:44:05,239 --> 00:44:10,040
Speaker 1: two cause of death, and by her saying that I've

819
00:44:10,040 --> 00:44:11,719
Speaker 1: had to deal with. I posted a picture of my

820
00:44:11,800 --> 00:44:13,800
Speaker 1: daughter and I at the White House with Barack and

821
00:44:13,840 --> 00:44:17,120
Speaker 1: Michelle Obama, and someone shared it and got hundreds of

822
00:44:17,160 --> 00:44:20,640
Speaker 1: retweets with Jamala and the number two killer black women.

823
00:44:21,120 --> 00:44:23,880
Speaker 1: Guess what. We didn't say black men were doing the killing.

824
00:44:24,239 --> 00:44:28,960
Speaker 1: We said that intimate partner violence does the killing. So

825
00:44:29,320 --> 00:44:33,000
Speaker 1: for all these black men who want to cover you,

826
00:44:34,280 --> 00:44:37,400
Speaker 1: I'm tired. I'm tired of reading all of these comments

827
00:44:37,560 --> 00:44:39,400
Speaker 1: and I try not to retweet this ship and I

828
00:44:39,440 --> 00:44:41,840
Speaker 1: see it. I see it, and I'm not fighting people

829
00:44:41,880 --> 00:44:44,759
Speaker 1: with my fucking thumbs. But you all choose to be

830
00:44:44,920 --> 00:44:50,120
Speaker 1: You choose blatant, ignorant. Like to be blatant ignorant. They

831
00:44:50,160 --> 00:44:53,680
Speaker 1: don't fucking read, they don't thoroughly read. This is black men,

832
00:44:53,760 --> 00:44:56,160
Speaker 1: this is black women's, white men's, This is a whole

833
00:44:56,200 --> 00:44:59,120
Speaker 1: bunch of motherfucking people who don't fucking read and don't

834
00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:02,200
Speaker 1: know anything, and they spew all kinds of bullshit. They've

835
00:45:02,239 --> 00:45:04,000
Speaker 1: never been through anything, or they've been through a whole bunch,

836
00:45:04,040 --> 00:45:05,680
Speaker 1: and they don't know how to fucking deal with it.

837
00:45:05,880 --> 00:45:07,480
Speaker 1: But what they need to learn how to do is

838
00:45:07,480 --> 00:45:11,400
Speaker 1: shut the funk up. And I'm so tired of reading

839
00:45:11,440 --> 00:45:14,640
Speaker 1: people spew things all over the place, and y'all don't

840
00:45:14,640 --> 00:45:16,880
Speaker 1: know what the funk you're talking about, even when it

841
00:45:17,000 --> 00:45:20,120
Speaker 1: came to them saying, well, teenage girls be out here

842
00:45:20,160 --> 00:45:22,960
Speaker 1: doing this and doing that, and the fact that I

843
00:45:23,000 --> 00:45:25,520
Speaker 1: was reading this from from black men, it's like, you

844
00:45:25,560 --> 00:45:28,640
Speaker 1: guys want to find every way to blame us for

845
00:45:28,800 --> 00:45:31,640
Speaker 1: why we're treated the way we are, why we're over sexualized,

846
00:45:31,840 --> 00:45:34,520
Speaker 1: why people don't believe us, Like if you even look

847
00:45:34,560 --> 00:45:38,000
Speaker 1: into the statistics right now of Black women and their

848
00:45:38,040 --> 00:45:40,440
Speaker 1: births and having births, how we're treating when we go

849
00:45:40,480 --> 00:45:43,360
Speaker 1: to the doctor. I've seen documentaries where they say, we

850
00:45:43,480 --> 00:45:45,399
Speaker 1: just don't believe that black women really hurt as much

851
00:45:45,400 --> 00:45:48,759
Speaker 1: as they say that the foundation of gynecology was built

852
00:45:48,760 --> 00:45:52,400
Speaker 1: on the black backs of black slave women, like exactly.

853
00:45:52,440 --> 00:45:55,440
Speaker 1: And people want to talk about, oh, Tuskegee was terrible, honey,

854
00:45:55,640 --> 00:45:56,880
Speaker 1: come and sit with me for a little bit, and

855
00:45:56,880 --> 00:45:59,560
Speaker 1: I'm gonna show you how the American Medical Association, through

856
00:46:00,320 --> 00:46:04,360
Speaker 1: reproductive health and reproductive oppression, had been killing black and

857
00:46:04,440 --> 00:46:07,719
Speaker 1: brown women and then calling it medical miracles. And for

858
00:46:07,800 --> 00:46:10,680
Speaker 1: these men, I'm not calling you out, brother, I'm calling

859
00:46:10,719 --> 00:46:13,399
Speaker 1: you in, calling you in. I am not calling you out.

860
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:15,680
Speaker 1: And I understand some of these feminist circles can be

861
00:46:15,800 --> 00:46:18,959
Speaker 1: very uncomfortable because sometimes I go to him and I'm like, listen,

862
00:46:19,040 --> 00:46:23,040
Speaker 1: ladies with kind because we're not gonna get nothing done

863
00:46:23,080 --> 00:46:25,400
Speaker 1: without men. But men, I need you to grab your

864
00:46:25,440 --> 00:46:29,080
Speaker 1: motherfucking conas, pull your the dunt that does up and

865
00:46:29,200 --> 00:46:31,600
Speaker 1: stepped to the table because we need you. If you

866
00:46:31,640 --> 00:46:34,319
Speaker 1: didn't see that in that video in that show, if

867
00:46:34,360 --> 00:46:37,160
Speaker 1: your reaction to anything and surviving r. Kelly was to

868
00:46:37,280 --> 00:46:40,359
Speaker 1: defend anyone other than black women and girls, we didn't

869
00:46:40,400 --> 00:46:42,560
Speaker 1: watch the same We didn't And I don't care if

870
00:46:42,560 --> 00:46:44,560
Speaker 1: you were disappointed and this person shouldn't have been and

871
00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:46,239
Speaker 1: then or this thing was not you know, this is

872
00:46:46,239 --> 00:46:48,920
Speaker 1: what power wasn't handled. Well, you can critique the documentary.

873
00:46:48,960 --> 00:46:51,680
Speaker 1: I'm not saying it was perfect. If your takeaway was

874
00:46:51,760 --> 00:46:56,640
Speaker 1: not black women and girls being under protected, over sexualized, discarded,

875
00:46:57,120 --> 00:46:58,879
Speaker 1: then you your heart is not in the right place.

876
00:46:58,880 --> 00:47:01,520
Speaker 1: And something that you mentioned you talk about um at

877
00:47:01,560 --> 00:47:04,080
Speaker 1: the beginning of your remarks a few minutes ago. However,

878
00:47:04,200 --> 00:47:07,080
Speaker 1: you know the disparities and income and life outcomes for

879
00:47:07,200 --> 00:47:10,560
Speaker 1: black people in this country, rooting back to sexuality. The priest.

880
00:47:10,719 --> 00:47:12,760
Speaker 1: You know, we talked about the school to prison pipeline.

881
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:15,640
Speaker 1: Want to talk about black children in general or specifically

882
00:47:15,680 --> 00:47:18,920
Speaker 1: black boys, but for black girls. It's a sexual salt

883
00:47:19,320 --> 00:47:21,840
Speaker 1: to prison pipeline so often. Right, So, like, how do

884
00:47:21,920 --> 00:47:25,480
Speaker 1: you get into the carstoral system? Right? Like why were

885
00:47:25,480 --> 00:47:28,080
Speaker 1: you suspended from class? Why are you acting class? Why

886
00:47:28,080 --> 00:47:30,320
Speaker 1: are you acting out? Why didn't you come with your uniform?

887
00:47:30,560 --> 00:47:33,800
Speaker 1: Because something's going on at home that your teachers, your white,

888
00:47:34,160 --> 00:47:38,000
Speaker 1: middle class suburban teachers that landed in the ghetto for

889
00:47:38,080 --> 00:47:40,680
Speaker 1: a few years while they're waiting for somebody to marry

890
00:47:40,680 --> 00:47:42,040
Speaker 1: them so they don't have to do that kind of

891
00:47:42,040 --> 00:47:44,400
Speaker 1: work anymore, so they can get a master's degree for free,

892
00:47:44,880 --> 00:47:47,120
Speaker 1: or they're languishing in bed sty or Harlem. I'm trying

893
00:47:47,160 --> 00:47:49,400
Speaker 1: to figure things out in their twenties. They're dealing with

894
00:47:49,440 --> 00:47:52,880
Speaker 1: these kids that they can't connect to. They're not recognizing

895
00:47:53,120 --> 00:47:56,320
Speaker 1: that the girl who always has the attitude doesn't know

896
00:47:56,360 --> 00:47:57,600
Speaker 1: how to deal with the fact that she's got a

897
00:47:57,680 --> 00:48:01,799
Speaker 1: decup breast and the boys are saying something about it

898
00:48:01,880 --> 00:48:04,040
Speaker 1: or just there. She don't want to She didn't even

899
00:48:04,040 --> 00:48:06,160
Speaker 1: have no right money to get the right side, the

900
00:48:06,239 --> 00:48:10,160
Speaker 1: right side. So she's in pain and she's bubbling out literally,

901
00:48:10,600 --> 00:48:12,480
Speaker 1: and you want to make her run around the block.

902
00:48:12,560 --> 00:48:16,440
Speaker 1: You're making her duells the gym class, even though you know,

903
00:48:16,520 --> 00:48:19,040
Speaker 1: maybe I gained a cup size and twenty pounds in

904
00:48:19,040 --> 00:48:20,840
Speaker 1: the past semester, and I don't have new gym clothes

905
00:48:20,840 --> 00:48:25,680
Speaker 1: because down because because or even as a even as

906
00:48:25,760 --> 00:48:28,719
Speaker 1: maybe a more developed black woman, I will say there

907
00:48:28,760 --> 00:48:31,160
Speaker 1: were clothes that I could put on and the next

908
00:48:31,200 --> 00:48:33,200
Speaker 1: girl next to me, if she was smaller, could put on,

909
00:48:33,520 --> 00:48:35,080
Speaker 1: and the teachers would come to me and be like,

910
00:48:35,160 --> 00:48:37,919
Speaker 1: oh no, the chad appropriate, and teachers would be looking

911
00:48:37,960 --> 00:48:39,560
Speaker 1: at me a certain way. I know because of what

912
00:48:39,600 --> 00:48:41,440
Speaker 1: I was wearing and I was talking to her. Just

913
00:48:41,480 --> 00:48:46,719
Speaker 1: the sexualization of us looking at how things fit. Uh. Still, oh,

914
00:48:47,480 --> 00:48:51,000
Speaker 1: fourteen year old girl, we're getting into puberty in certain

915
00:48:51,040 --> 00:48:53,719
Speaker 1: ways and we are feeling uncomfortable with our boobs being big.

916
00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:56,440
Speaker 1: I was on the TV. This is not funny, but

917
00:48:56,480 --> 00:48:58,800
Speaker 1: I was on the TV announcements when I was in school.

918
00:48:59,000 --> 00:49:02,040
Speaker 1: I was the one that said, hey, welcome everyone to school.

919
00:49:02,320 --> 00:49:06,319
Speaker 1: And I remember, for at least a month I would

920
00:49:06,320 --> 00:49:08,520
Speaker 1: get on TV. I would have them adjust the camera,

921
00:49:08,719 --> 00:49:11,120
Speaker 1: but I would sit at the table like this to

922
00:49:11,200 --> 00:49:14,640
Speaker 1: have my arms cover my chest because the boys would

923
00:49:14,680 --> 00:49:17,360
Speaker 1: always mention how big my breasts were on TV and

924
00:49:17,400 --> 00:49:19,960
Speaker 1: how they looked, and I'm just like, I'm not comfortable

925
00:49:20,000 --> 00:49:22,279
Speaker 1: with with the size of my tips. So yes, what

926
00:49:22,320 --> 00:49:24,600
Speaker 1: you're saying is very very true. Something I want to

927
00:49:24,600 --> 00:49:26,600
Speaker 1: shout out their girls for gender equity is doing that

928
00:49:26,640 --> 00:49:29,279
Speaker 1: I think is really important. They launched UM at the

929
00:49:29,400 --> 00:49:31,400
Speaker 1: end of last year. The camp A campaign called the

930
00:49:31,400 --> 00:49:34,839
Speaker 1: School Girls Deserve Right. So they did research. They talked

931
00:49:34,880 --> 00:49:37,319
Speaker 1: to girls and and queer and trans youth in New

932
00:49:37,360 --> 00:49:39,719
Speaker 1: York City schools and you know, what are you looking for,

933
00:49:39,840 --> 00:49:42,200
Speaker 1: Like what would make this a better safer environment for you?

934
00:49:42,840 --> 00:49:46,200
Speaker 1: Dress code violations are at the top of the list

935
00:49:46,239 --> 00:49:48,920
Speaker 1: of reasons that girls of color are suspended from school

936
00:49:49,000 --> 00:49:52,680
Speaker 1: or a miss classroom max attention. All of that my mom,

937
00:49:52,719 --> 00:49:54,840
Speaker 1: and my mom couldn't come and get me to change

938
00:49:54,880 --> 00:49:58,080
Speaker 1: my my my outfit because one of my you're taking

939
00:49:58,080 --> 00:50:00,600
Speaker 1: me in, you're taking me out of my class because

940
00:50:00,600 --> 00:50:02,840
Speaker 1: you don't like the length of my skirt. And I

941
00:50:02,880 --> 00:50:05,480
Speaker 1: can sit here and point out two, three, or four

942
00:50:05,520 --> 00:50:07,560
Speaker 1: or five other girls with a scirpt that would be

943
00:50:07,560 --> 00:50:10,040
Speaker 1: just as questionable. But because I have thighs, because I

944
00:50:10,120 --> 00:50:14,000
Speaker 1: have these hips, it's looking sexualized and I would fight

945
00:50:14,080 --> 00:50:16,279
Speaker 1: that this was me in middle school. So what you're

946
00:50:16,280 --> 00:50:19,319
Speaker 1: saying is very very I love that you're doing that absolutely,

947
00:50:19,320 --> 00:50:21,480
Speaker 1: and so it's like, so not only are we you know,

948
00:50:21,520 --> 00:50:23,680
Speaker 1: there's a different standard for the white girl who weighs

949
00:50:23,719 --> 00:50:25,480
Speaker 1: a hundred and ten pounds versus the black girl who

950
00:50:25,480 --> 00:50:28,439
Speaker 1: weighs a hundred fifty pounds or sixty pounds. Right, there's

951
00:50:28,520 --> 00:50:31,120
Speaker 1: also even if the white girls are getting and some

952
00:50:31,160 --> 00:50:33,319
Speaker 1: of them are suspended for wearing crop tops and short scared.

953
00:50:33,360 --> 00:50:35,200
Speaker 1: We're not saying it never happens that happens to them

954
00:50:35,200 --> 00:50:37,000
Speaker 1: at the same rate, but if it did happen to

955
00:50:37,000 --> 00:50:40,799
Speaker 1: them at the same rate, suspending and punishing girls for

956
00:50:40,920 --> 00:50:44,440
Speaker 1: their dress code, which by the way, New York City

957
00:50:44,480 --> 00:50:46,839
Speaker 1: does not have a universal dress code. So they pray

958
00:50:46,960 --> 00:50:49,680
Speaker 1: for you know, their their hands, school by school, teacher

959
00:50:49,719 --> 00:50:53,600
Speaker 1: by teacher, administrator by administrator, girl by girl. So when

960
00:50:53,640 --> 00:50:56,560
Speaker 1: these things happen, you're sending a message to our girls

961
00:50:56,600 --> 00:50:58,960
Speaker 1: that they're the ones responsible for making sure that they're

962
00:50:58,960 --> 00:51:01,560
Speaker 1: not sexually harassed as actually assault, which is the same

963
00:51:01,600 --> 00:51:03,280
Speaker 1: thing that they will learn again when they are adults,

964
00:51:03,320 --> 00:51:05,680
Speaker 1: when it becomes what were you drinking, where were you,

965
00:51:05,719 --> 00:51:09,520
Speaker 1: who were you with? How late you have sex with him?

966
00:51:09,600 --> 00:51:12,479
Speaker 1: Before all of that, and so you're removing these girls

967
00:51:12,480 --> 00:51:15,239
Speaker 1: from classroom time. Meanwhile, in New York City, you have

968
00:51:15,320 --> 00:51:19,960
Speaker 1: a million, one point one million students and one Title

969
00:51:20,040 --> 00:51:24,080
Speaker 1: nine coordinator one and that position is vacant, by the way,

970
00:51:24,160 --> 00:51:27,440
Speaker 1: But they have one person whose job is to pursue

971
00:51:27,560 --> 00:51:33,000
Speaker 1: investigations of sexual assault, sexual violence, and harassment claims one

972
00:51:33,440 --> 00:51:36,520
Speaker 1: for one point one million students. So you've got piles

973
00:51:36,640 --> 00:51:39,440
Speaker 1: of cases that are the school ends up. Schools and

974
00:51:39,680 --> 00:51:42,720
Speaker 1: districts end up settling. You know, girls end up leaving,

975
00:51:43,040 --> 00:51:46,080
Speaker 1: like we're not confronting the sexual violence that takes place

976
00:51:46,080 --> 00:51:47,879
Speaker 1: in our schools, and we're not also when it comes

977
00:51:47,880 --> 00:51:50,319
Speaker 1: to these dress code violations. Right now, we just talked

978
00:51:50,320 --> 00:51:54,360
Speaker 1: about girls. We didn't even touch non binary students or

979
00:51:54,360 --> 00:51:58,000
Speaker 1: are lgbt Q youth who are also struggling. And I

980
00:51:58,040 --> 00:52:02,680
Speaker 1: think that the problem with this is policy, it's education,

981
00:52:03,160 --> 00:52:06,920
Speaker 1: because I am someone who fights for UM sex said

982
00:52:06,960 --> 00:52:11,440
Speaker 1: mandate K through twelve, medically accurate, culturally competent, and inclusive.

983
00:52:11,840 --> 00:52:15,839
Speaker 1: The problem is although New York City is UH sex

984
00:52:15,880 --> 00:52:18,719
Speaker 1: said Mandate, it is a soft mandate, and they do

985
00:52:18,800 --> 00:52:22,440
Speaker 1: not have enough qualified teachers who have been trained in

986
00:52:22,520 --> 00:52:25,520
Speaker 1: the work to do the work, and I am a

987
00:52:25,520 --> 00:52:30,160
Speaker 1: firm believer. You start educating a young person to body autonomy,

988
00:52:30,200 --> 00:52:32,480
Speaker 1: and you know, I do an activity called Circles of Touch,

989
00:52:32,520 --> 00:52:35,600
Speaker 1: which uses colors and and shapes to help young people

990
00:52:35,680 --> 00:52:38,759
Speaker 1: four or five, six understand who's in this circle, who's

991
00:52:38,800 --> 00:52:40,920
Speaker 1: in this circle? Who can give me high fives. We

992
00:52:41,000 --> 00:52:43,640
Speaker 1: have to teach that from zero all the way up

993
00:52:43,680 --> 00:52:45,480
Speaker 1: so then by the time they get to high school

994
00:52:45,760 --> 00:52:48,120
Speaker 1: there is no questions. And in addition, we have to

995
00:52:48,120 --> 00:52:53,000
Speaker 1: train educators. We have to train administration, because if the

996
00:52:53,160 --> 00:52:59,480
Speaker 1: leadership doesn't understand policy, doesn't understand cultural competency, these kinds

997
00:52:59,520 --> 00:53:04,359
Speaker 1: of dress code violations will continue to perpetuate, right, so

998
00:53:04,440 --> 00:53:07,040
Speaker 1: it can't. And then in addition to that, parents, I

999
00:53:07,080 --> 00:53:09,120
Speaker 1: know you guys, we want sex said to start in

1000
00:53:09,160 --> 00:53:12,080
Speaker 1: the home, but some parents don't know how to even start.

1001
00:53:12,680 --> 00:53:16,200
Speaker 1: So we need more resources to help parents, like adult

1002
00:53:16,239 --> 00:53:20,040
Speaker 1: parenting Sex Said classes are needed. We need to seek

1003
00:53:20,120 --> 00:53:23,680
Speaker 1: people out who can facilitate those conversations. And being a

1004
00:53:23,680 --> 00:53:26,439
Speaker 1: woman of color, I know there are them out there,

1005
00:53:26,840 --> 00:53:30,480
Speaker 1: but it seems like far too often we take the

1006
00:53:30,520 --> 00:53:34,640
Speaker 1: advice of people that don't necessarily look like us. In

1007
00:53:34,680 --> 00:53:39,120
Speaker 1: this space UM, I love Dr Ruth, I love Dr Drew,

1008
00:53:39,160 --> 00:53:40,840
Speaker 1: But a part of why I got into this was

1009
00:53:40,880 --> 00:53:43,200
Speaker 1: I was like, how do they know what it's like

1010
00:53:43,239 --> 00:53:45,440
Speaker 1: to be black and deal with all these things? Because

1011
00:53:45,480 --> 00:53:48,200
Speaker 1: that is a large part of what plays into our

1012
00:53:48,239 --> 00:53:51,960
Speaker 1: holistic sexuality. I like the conversation where it's shifting now

1013
00:53:52,000 --> 00:53:54,560
Speaker 1: because it's where I wanted to take it. We talked

1014
00:53:55,440 --> 00:54:01,319
Speaker 1: about the adults in this documentary and the accomplices, UM,

1015
00:54:01,520 --> 00:54:06,840
Speaker 1: the bystanders, the not only the parents, but the entourage,

1016
00:54:07,040 --> 00:54:12,000
Speaker 1: the friends, UM, family members. So I guess I wanted

1017
00:54:12,120 --> 00:54:15,120
Speaker 1: to now shift the latter part of this conversation now

1018
00:54:15,480 --> 00:54:20,560
Speaker 1: to how we hold each other accountable. Um, we can't

1019
00:54:20,600 --> 00:54:22,600
Speaker 1: sit here and sit here and think that this is

1020
00:54:22,640 --> 00:54:25,480
Speaker 1: going to change because our children are gonna know now

1021
00:54:25,520 --> 00:54:28,680
Speaker 1: what to do. Um, this has to start with us now.

1022
00:54:29,160 --> 00:54:32,839
Speaker 1: We are all now Generation X y Z millennials, we're

1023
00:54:32,880 --> 00:54:35,960
Speaker 1: all here baby boomers. It now has to be to

1024
00:54:36,000 --> 00:54:40,080
Speaker 1: where we hold the people around us accountable. So you,

1025
00:54:40,920 --> 00:54:44,439
Speaker 1: we're a part of this documentary. You we both said,

1026
00:54:44,480 --> 00:54:49,280
Speaker 1: what Bruce, everybody pretty much everybody has to go to jail.

1027
00:54:49,400 --> 00:54:51,479
Speaker 1: But I wanted to talk to you and what your

1028
00:54:51,520 --> 00:54:54,640
Speaker 1: immediate thoughts were on the accountability of the adults that

1029
00:54:54,680 --> 00:54:57,840
Speaker 1: were around while this was happening. I think they're all trash.

1030
00:54:57,960 --> 00:55:00,080
Speaker 1: I think every every adult who was around and and

1031
00:55:00,080 --> 00:55:02,799
Speaker 1: this this was trash. You now with the problem, there's

1032
00:55:02,840 --> 00:55:08,480
Speaker 1: so many problems into that. This we you know, it

1033
00:55:08,480 --> 00:55:10,640
Speaker 1: gets into money, and it gets into people not being

1034
00:55:10,680 --> 00:55:12,880
Speaker 1: able to take care of their families, not even just

1035
00:55:12,960 --> 00:55:15,839
Speaker 1: power though sometimes it's just survival. Because if you sat

1036
00:55:15,880 --> 00:55:18,600
Speaker 1: there and you looked at what was her name, not Javonte,

1037
00:55:18,600 --> 00:55:22,120
Speaker 1: what was the background dancers Javonte, you look at her,

1038
00:55:22,600 --> 00:55:24,560
Speaker 1: and like I said, and I did, I said there,

1039
00:55:24,600 --> 00:55:27,319
Speaker 1: I said, all of you motherfucker's complicit and all y'all

1040
00:55:27,320 --> 00:55:29,680
Speaker 1: gotta go to jail. But when I started doing math,

1041
00:55:29,760 --> 00:55:31,319
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, this is a girl. She's talking about

1042
00:55:31,320 --> 00:55:32,960
Speaker 1: sneaking on the lea out and doing all this. And

1043
00:55:33,000 --> 00:55:35,640
Speaker 1: I know this is not specifically about the documentary, but

1044
00:55:35,680 --> 00:55:38,160
Speaker 1: I'm like, when she's doing that, how old is she?

1045
00:55:38,160 --> 00:55:41,279
Speaker 1: She's sev eighteen years old and is fourteen years old?

1046
00:55:41,640 --> 00:55:45,080
Speaker 1: I had seventeen year old friends. Are so But the

1047
00:55:45,120 --> 00:55:48,799
Speaker 1: adults that raggedy assid nig who said up there and

1048
00:55:48,840 --> 00:55:52,520
Speaker 1: said him, who said I wanted to help her. But

1049
00:55:52,680 --> 00:55:56,640
Speaker 1: I saw the look in her eyes. But you, motherfucking

1050
00:55:57,320 --> 00:56:02,480
Speaker 1: helped facilitate the paperwork, and you helped put all of

1051
00:56:02,520 --> 00:56:05,600
Speaker 1: this into place. Not one of you stepped up and

1052
00:56:05,640 --> 00:56:08,279
Speaker 1: said this ship is wrong. But what you were saying

1053
00:56:08,280 --> 00:56:11,160
Speaker 1: with them, But the reason is because he was their

1054
00:56:11,280 --> 00:56:14,640
Speaker 1: mil ticket. Not to me, that is not a justification.

1055
00:56:14,680 --> 00:56:17,160
Speaker 1: I think they're all trashed. And that motherfucker Bruce, in

1056
00:56:17,160 --> 00:56:20,040
Speaker 1: those purple ass eyes, he can stay there for the

1057
00:56:20,040 --> 00:56:23,120
Speaker 1: funk ever, like that nigger can stay there forever he is.

1058
00:56:23,200 --> 00:56:24,919
Speaker 1: He don't need to be on the streets. We don't

1059
00:56:24,960 --> 00:56:26,800
Speaker 1: need another We don't need another one on the street.

1060
00:56:27,360 --> 00:56:30,560
Speaker 1: But yeah, I'll say with what you're saying with money.

1061
00:56:30,600 --> 00:56:31,880
Speaker 1: And I feel like this is why a lot of

1062
00:56:31,960 --> 00:56:35,120
Speaker 1: us in the black households also deal with this. I

1063
00:56:35,160 --> 00:56:38,040
Speaker 1: grew up in a single parent household, and my mom

1064
00:56:38,160 --> 00:56:40,640
Speaker 1: also grew up with a stepdad. And when it came

1065
00:56:40,680 --> 00:56:44,200
Speaker 1: to what was happening with her, again, I didn't receive details,

1066
00:56:44,239 --> 00:56:47,080
Speaker 1: but her mom chose the dad. A lot of us

1067
00:56:47,120 --> 00:56:51,080
Speaker 1: as women, who's the provider? And we do allow men

1068
00:56:51,120 --> 00:56:54,680
Speaker 1: into our households when we have children, and if they're

1069
00:56:54,680 --> 00:56:57,440
Speaker 1: bringing something to the table, we feel like we can't

1070
00:56:57,480 --> 00:57:00,560
Speaker 1: lose that sometimes at the expense of our own children. Well,

1071
00:57:00,719 --> 00:57:03,440
Speaker 1: I think again, this goes back to how sexuality touches

1072
00:57:03,520 --> 00:57:05,880
Speaker 1: every aspect of our life because it comes down to

1073
00:57:05,920 --> 00:57:10,160
Speaker 1: black women not having equal pay for equal work. This

1074
00:57:10,239 --> 00:57:13,520
Speaker 1: is that is sexuality in the workplace. And this is

1075
00:57:13,560 --> 00:57:16,160
Speaker 1: what again, I just want to reiterate two people, because

1076
00:57:16,200 --> 00:57:19,320
Speaker 1: when you really start to think about how sexuality bleeds

1077
00:57:19,840 --> 00:57:23,080
Speaker 1: into everything in your life, you might then wake up.

1078
00:57:23,480 --> 00:57:26,280
Speaker 1: You wonder why these people were selling people out. Just

1079
00:57:26,360 --> 00:57:30,280
Speaker 1: like you said, a single mom, Black women make less money,

1080
00:57:30,760 --> 00:57:34,560
Speaker 1: have less opportunity for upward mobility. That was just trying

1081
00:57:34,600 --> 00:57:36,760
Speaker 1: to make sure you had like her daughter had food.

1082
00:57:37,720 --> 00:57:40,040
Speaker 1: But black people too, And it goes into education and

1083
00:57:40,640 --> 00:57:42,760
Speaker 1: people talk about I don't want talk about slavery no more.

1084
00:57:42,800 --> 00:57:45,439
Speaker 1: It all goes back to it, and it goes back

1085
00:57:45,480 --> 00:57:48,120
Speaker 1: it's all generational, all of these secrets and all of

1086
00:57:48,160 --> 00:57:50,160
Speaker 1: these things we don't want to talk about, and the

1087
00:57:50,200 --> 00:57:52,000
Speaker 1: fact that we don't have the money to take care

1088
00:57:52,000 --> 00:57:54,160
Speaker 1: of our families and do all of these things, and

1089
00:57:54,200 --> 00:57:56,120
Speaker 1: so we're willing to put up with fucked up ship

1090
00:57:56,200 --> 00:57:59,200
Speaker 1: and be nasty and savage as human beings because we

1091
00:57:59,280 --> 00:58:01,000
Speaker 1: just want a motherfucker can pay our rent or what

1092
00:58:01,120 --> 00:58:03,919
Speaker 1: have you, or these things are worse like they're they're

1093
00:58:03,960 --> 00:58:06,040
Speaker 1: worse like they wanted to be a part they needed that.

1094
00:58:06,120 --> 00:58:08,560
Speaker 1: I'm curious during the documentary, were you able to be

1095
00:58:08,600 --> 00:58:11,320
Speaker 1: in the same room with any of these people, um

1096
00:58:11,320 --> 00:58:13,800
Speaker 1: where you weren't able to talk. I was only present

1097
00:58:13,800 --> 00:58:16,560
Speaker 1: from my interview m but I am friends with Dream

1098
00:58:16,640 --> 00:58:18,840
Speaker 1: and so we talked a bit throughout the process, so

1099
00:58:18,880 --> 00:58:21,560
Speaker 1: I had some insight. And so that would be I

1100
00:58:21,560 --> 00:58:24,560
Speaker 1: would say, because I would want to know after listening

1101
00:58:24,560 --> 00:58:27,240
Speaker 1: to these adults saying that they were witnessing they were

1102
00:58:27,280 --> 00:58:30,280
Speaker 1: all almost all all a part of human trafficking. If

1103
00:58:30,320 --> 00:58:32,680
Speaker 1: you sit here and ask me, every person that was

1104
00:58:32,720 --> 00:58:35,640
Speaker 1: a part of our Kelly's entourage or team at that

1105
00:58:35,680 --> 00:58:39,040
Speaker 1: specific time, even probably now helped him get those police,

1106
00:58:39,480 --> 00:58:44,640
Speaker 1: the police, the police apartment warned him about the wildcare checks.

1107
00:58:44,880 --> 00:58:47,120
Speaker 1: I was just like, holy sh it, this is a

1108
00:58:47,160 --> 00:58:49,720
Speaker 1: problem in the community. So this I want to call

1109
00:58:49,800 --> 00:58:52,640
Speaker 1: surviving society, because that's what the funk we're doing. But

1110
00:58:53,160 --> 00:58:57,080
Speaker 1: with those people or with those individuals, where does it

1111
00:58:57,240 --> 00:58:59,480
Speaker 1: get to where we can be comfortable to sit here

1112
00:58:59,520 --> 00:59:05,000
Speaker 1: and confront our friends. Our homies are providers, like where

1113
00:59:05,040 --> 00:59:08,080
Speaker 1: is it? Where do we get there? You know? A

1114
00:59:08,120 --> 00:59:10,640
Speaker 1: conversation I had with the mutual friend of ours actually

1115
00:59:10,680 --> 00:59:15,120
Speaker 1: once about how do you step in when your homeboys

1116
00:59:15,160 --> 00:59:18,320
Speaker 1: mistreating a woman? Right? And we weren't even talking about violence.

1117
00:59:18,360 --> 00:59:19,960
Speaker 1: We were talking about I think no, I think I

1118
00:59:20,000 --> 00:59:22,720
Speaker 1: can't remember it started with infidelity or like ramping infidelity

1119
00:59:22,800 --> 00:59:25,040
Speaker 1: or if it was even just maybe it was child neglect,

1120
00:59:25,560 --> 00:59:29,480
Speaker 1: like child not saying your child, not paying your child support,

1121
00:59:29,480 --> 00:59:31,120
Speaker 1: but being at the bar, being out with other women

1122
00:59:31,320 --> 00:59:33,840
Speaker 1: just kind of like the power of social death right

1123
00:59:33,960 --> 00:59:37,760
Speaker 1: was dream mentioned last night, Like if women wouldn't funk

1124
00:59:37,800 --> 00:59:39,240
Speaker 1: with you, if they knew that you didn't take care

1125
00:59:39,280 --> 00:59:41,880
Speaker 1: of your child, if you were persona no god, if

1126
00:59:41,880 --> 00:59:43,760
Speaker 1: you go on the bar and everybody's like, m don't

1127
00:59:43,800 --> 00:59:45,600
Speaker 1: take care of his kid. You can't get a phone number,

1128
00:59:45,640 --> 00:59:48,080
Speaker 1: you can't find that, you know what I mean with that?

1129
00:59:48,160 --> 00:59:51,120
Speaker 1: Change things? If you're homeboys, right, because you don't, Okay,

1130
00:59:51,120 --> 00:59:52,760
Speaker 1: you don't really respect to listen to women. You'll follow

1131
00:59:52,920 --> 00:59:54,680
Speaker 1: other circle of women, right, maybe the women and your

1132
00:59:54,680 --> 00:59:57,720
Speaker 1: pears in your circles, you know, like okay, your podcast

1133
00:59:57,720 --> 00:59:59,680
Speaker 1: and the podcast girls aren't working with me. But I

1134
00:59:59,680 --> 01:00:01,720
Speaker 1: can to New Jersey or I can go elsewhere and

1135
01:00:01,720 --> 01:00:04,680
Speaker 1: find someone. But let's talk about your friends. If you

1136
01:00:04,840 --> 01:00:09,400
Speaker 1: always step up and say, listen, what you're doing, be

1137
01:00:09,480 --> 01:00:12,440
Speaker 1: it your child, be is something that you've done physically

1138
01:00:12,520 --> 01:00:14,840
Speaker 1: or emotionally to your woman. If you're the one who's

1139
01:00:15,160 --> 01:00:17,000
Speaker 1: you know, getting her get her another drink, I'll get

1140
01:00:17,000 --> 01:00:20,000
Speaker 1: another drink. And you're like, WHOA, she's too She's had

1141
01:00:20,040 --> 01:00:22,200
Speaker 1: a lot of drink already. What are you trying to do,

1142
01:00:22,280 --> 01:00:24,840
Speaker 1: you know, or making sure that this woman doesn't go Like,

1143
01:00:24,880 --> 01:00:26,800
Speaker 1: if we could count on you all to do that,

1144
01:00:27,120 --> 01:00:29,640
Speaker 1: it would change so much. And I challenge that of

1145
01:00:29,680 --> 01:00:33,680
Speaker 1: the men who are bothered by feeling you know that

1146
01:00:33,680 --> 01:00:35,720
Speaker 1: that we're painting black men in a bad light because

1147
01:00:35,720 --> 01:00:37,880
Speaker 1: we want to talk about sexual violence against black women

1148
01:00:37,880 --> 01:00:40,400
Speaker 1: and girls, which typically does happen at their hands, right

1149
01:00:40,480 --> 01:00:42,960
Speaker 1: and started your hands in this country, but it didn't

1150
01:00:42,680 --> 01:00:45,440
Speaker 1: it it's in your hands. You are the ones that

1151
01:00:45,480 --> 01:00:47,960
Speaker 1: have the power to change that. And and what Michelle

1152
01:00:47,960 --> 01:00:50,800
Speaker 1: said was while we're sitting here having this conversation, and

1153
01:00:50,880 --> 01:00:54,720
Speaker 1: while you have your organizations, you are sitting here, you're

1154
01:00:54,720 --> 01:00:56,360
Speaker 1: a part of a lot of organizations and you help

1155
01:00:56,440 --> 01:01:00,439
Speaker 1: with education. It's not only us that can make the change.

1156
01:01:00,480 --> 01:01:02,160
Speaker 1: It is a lot of men. And the only thing

1157
01:01:02,200 --> 01:01:04,080
Speaker 1: that I sat here and thought of during the documentary,

1158
01:01:04,240 --> 01:01:07,360
Speaker 1: during conversations with male friends who sit here and either

1159
01:01:07,600 --> 01:01:11,200
Speaker 1: help their friends cheat, turn aside I when they're abusing

1160
01:01:11,240 --> 01:01:14,360
Speaker 1: their girlfriends, all of these things, like like Michelle, like

1161
01:01:14,400 --> 01:01:17,040
Speaker 1: you said, men, we need you to also step in

1162
01:01:17,120 --> 01:01:19,360
Speaker 1: and take part. And I like that challenge. So for

1163
01:01:19,440 --> 01:01:23,360
Speaker 1: any men who are listening right now, um and sat

1164
01:01:23,400 --> 01:01:25,440
Speaker 1: here and felt disgusted the same way we did at

1165
01:01:25,440 --> 01:01:28,720
Speaker 1: this documentary and genuinely want to make a change something

1166
01:01:28,960 --> 01:01:32,800
Speaker 1: without starting a nonprofit or anything big, can start as

1167
01:01:32,800 --> 01:01:37,400
Speaker 1: immediate as the niggas in your circle, your brothers, your uncle's,

1168
01:01:37,440 --> 01:01:39,800
Speaker 1: anyone that you see is doing questionable that you don't

1169
01:01:39,800 --> 01:01:43,240
Speaker 1: agree with. Confront that person, Confront that man and ask

1170
01:01:43,320 --> 01:01:45,919
Speaker 1: him why are you doing this? And I don't think

1171
01:01:45,920 --> 01:01:47,600
Speaker 1: it's right, and I think a lot of people wouldn't

1172
01:01:47,600 --> 01:01:50,160
Speaker 1: think is right, and literally sit here and make them

1173
01:01:50,160 --> 01:01:52,640
Speaker 1: self reflect and if they don't want to change their ways,

1174
01:01:53,040 --> 01:01:57,120
Speaker 1: remove yourselves. A lot of these people, they're narcissistic behaviors,

1175
01:01:57,320 --> 01:02:00,560
Speaker 1: their desire to be around other people there that idea

1176
01:02:00,600 --> 01:02:02,920
Speaker 1: that you said in the beginning, the manhood and to

1177
01:02:03,000 --> 01:02:06,120
Speaker 1: be the man that that demands respect from a lot

1178
01:02:06,200 --> 01:02:09,120
Speaker 1: of a lot of people. And and and fellas, if

1179
01:02:09,120 --> 01:02:11,560
Speaker 1: you sit here and start removing your respect for others,

1180
01:02:12,400 --> 01:02:15,760
Speaker 1: they'll see here. And and my change, I think that

1181
01:02:15,960 --> 01:02:19,320
Speaker 1: if we're gonna say that, can come after me for

1182
01:02:19,440 --> 01:02:22,920
Speaker 1: this one. We have to admit that women can be

1183
01:02:22,920 --> 01:02:27,520
Speaker 1: predators to women can be predators on men. And so

1184
01:02:27,600 --> 01:02:31,480
Speaker 1: we are not saying man, you're the only bad There

1185
01:02:31,480 --> 01:02:36,160
Speaker 1: are definitely some predator women out there. Oh this ship,

1186
01:02:36,240 --> 01:02:40,760
Speaker 1: this molestation should is not because chicken an egg. You

1187
01:02:40,800 --> 01:02:42,880
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. I had said earlier. If a

1188
01:02:42,920 --> 01:02:45,240
Speaker 1: boy is molested at eleven by an eighteen year old

1189
01:02:45,280 --> 01:02:48,080
Speaker 1: girl and then we say no, you weren't molested, you

1190
01:02:48,160 --> 01:02:51,080
Speaker 1: become a man. How can he then understand when he

1191
01:02:51,800 --> 01:02:55,280
Speaker 1: sexually assault somebody if he was told you we were

1192
01:02:55,360 --> 01:02:59,160
Speaker 1: discrediting you. We we if we're gonna believe survivors, we

1193
01:02:59,200 --> 01:03:03,640
Speaker 1: believe survive verse um. And that also means that sometimes

1194
01:03:03,640 --> 01:03:05,080
Speaker 1: we have to take a long, hard look in the

1195
01:03:05,080 --> 01:03:08,880
Speaker 1: mirror and ask ourselves. Because you know, in my own experience,

1196
01:03:08,920 --> 01:03:12,439
Speaker 1: I had to ask myself, what kind of derelict? Ask

1197
01:03:12,520 --> 01:03:15,680
Speaker 1: things did I do in college when I was like, oh,

1198
01:03:16,040 --> 01:03:19,240
Speaker 1: you know, maybe if I got him one more couple

1199
01:03:19,240 --> 01:03:22,040
Speaker 1: of head I say, he would give me that attention.

1200
01:03:22,160 --> 01:03:26,360
Speaker 1: I want the code that we are very we're not

1201
01:03:26,440 --> 01:03:31,320
Speaker 1: as likely to be predatory, but our propensity to be coercive. Yes,

1202
01:03:31,520 --> 01:03:33,480
Speaker 1: it's so so when a man says I don't want

1203
01:03:33,520 --> 01:03:36,920
Speaker 1: to do this, so yeah, baby, and you're kissing on

1204
01:03:37,000 --> 01:03:39,160
Speaker 1: him or you're putting, you know, his penis in your mouth,

1205
01:03:39,200 --> 01:03:41,080
Speaker 1: and we're not looking at this as a sexual So

1206
01:03:41,280 --> 01:03:48,120
Speaker 1: we're not because because they're stronger. They're stronger, they don't

1207
01:03:48,160 --> 01:03:50,360
Speaker 1: have the same social like what happens to you socially

1208
01:03:50,400 --> 01:03:53,200
Speaker 1: if the world here right right right, you reject me

1209
01:03:53,280 --> 01:03:55,480
Speaker 1: sexually versus me rejecting you sexually, and what could be

1210
01:03:55,520 --> 01:03:59,880
Speaker 1: the consequence? They're different? But that's still not okay. Version

1211
01:04:00,000 --> 01:04:03,840
Speaker 1: Its coercion, coercion. It's not about derailing the conversation about

1212
01:04:03,880 --> 01:04:06,200
Speaker 1: black women and girls. It's about saying, like, the rape

1213
01:04:06,240 --> 01:04:10,120
Speaker 1: culture means that men are expected to be Wow, there's

1214
01:04:10,160 --> 01:04:12,920
Speaker 1: the the notion that we are sexually available to them

1215
01:04:12,960 --> 01:04:15,240
Speaker 1: at all times, that they're supposed to be sexually ready

1216
01:04:15,280 --> 01:04:17,080
Speaker 1: for us at all times, that they have to want

1217
01:04:17,120 --> 01:04:22,800
Speaker 1: it and if you don't want it, you're weak. That

1218
01:04:22,880 --> 01:04:24,880
Speaker 1: we don't allow them to have a lack of desire

1219
01:04:25,000 --> 01:04:29,360
Speaker 1: or interessur fatigue or any number. Right, that's the issue

1220
01:04:29,360 --> 01:04:31,880
Speaker 1: that I have because even I will say, I told

1221
01:04:31,920 --> 01:04:34,560
Speaker 1: you my mother the sex thing, it was like she

1222
01:04:34,600 --> 01:04:37,040
Speaker 1: would speak about it, but it just wasn't in great detail.

1223
01:04:37,560 --> 01:04:40,720
Speaker 1: But she did let us know how special your virginity is.

1224
01:04:41,080 --> 01:04:43,240
Speaker 1: She did let us know like you don't have to

1225
01:04:43,280 --> 01:04:46,240
Speaker 1: give yourself to anybody if you don't want to. And

1226
01:04:46,320 --> 01:04:48,800
Speaker 1: that what that stayed with me because I was never

1227
01:04:48,840 --> 01:04:52,080
Speaker 1: eager to lose my virginity. Like I never felt pressured.

1228
01:04:52,120 --> 01:04:53,680
Speaker 1: If I was like, no, then get out of here,

1229
01:04:53,680 --> 01:04:55,080
Speaker 1: like I don't care what you say about me, I

1230
01:04:55,080 --> 01:04:57,080
Speaker 1: don't want to do it. But and I know a

1231
01:04:57,080 --> 01:04:59,919
Speaker 1: lot of us have had those pressures. Um, I never

1232
01:05:00,040 --> 01:05:03,200
Speaker 1: felt that, And I appreciate my mom for teaching me that. However,

1233
01:05:03,520 --> 01:05:08,400
Speaker 1: that same that same special, that whole special feeling, your flower,

1234
01:05:08,480 --> 01:05:11,360
Speaker 1: your this, and that is not taught boys. It's not

1235
01:05:11,400 --> 01:05:14,080
Speaker 1: taught to boys that sexual experience about how it's supposed

1236
01:05:14,120 --> 01:05:16,520
Speaker 1: to be personally supposed to be something between two people

1237
01:05:16,560 --> 01:05:18,960
Speaker 1: that you love. They're not taught that they're not. It's

1238
01:05:19,000 --> 01:05:20,760
Speaker 1: not ingrained in them the way that it isn't two girls.

1239
01:05:20,760 --> 01:05:22,600
Speaker 1: And that's a problem. I've always said, I think we

1240
01:05:22,680 --> 01:05:26,000
Speaker 1: need to celebrate the first wet dream like we celebrate

1241
01:05:26,040 --> 01:05:29,040
Speaker 1: a period, because that is at the point at which

1242
01:05:29,080 --> 01:05:34,360
Speaker 1: they're they're sperm or their gamites are mobile enough to

1243
01:05:34,840 --> 01:05:39,080
Speaker 1: swim up through the uterus into that fallopian tube and fertilized.

1244
01:05:39,360 --> 01:05:41,880
Speaker 1: Prior to that, they can't actually make a child. So

1245
01:05:41,920 --> 01:05:45,760
Speaker 1: it's the same exact expirit. Well, it's you know, similar

1246
01:05:45,800 --> 01:05:48,800
Speaker 1: experience of a period, and we celebrate periods and we

1247
01:05:48,800 --> 01:05:51,480
Speaker 1: have these moon parties and we then let women know

1248
01:05:51,560 --> 01:06:08,840
Speaker 1: the graph responsibility. Maybe, but you're right there, we do

1249
01:06:09,000 --> 01:06:13,000
Speaker 1: still recognize it as an important step on the this

1250
01:06:13,080 --> 01:06:15,160
Speaker 1: journey of womanhood. Right there, said, let me think about

1251
01:06:15,160 --> 01:06:17,200
Speaker 1: the Blackish period episode and again like she's got a

1252
01:06:17,200 --> 01:06:21,360
Speaker 1: little fair mom and a little fair right, not at

1253
01:06:21,360 --> 01:06:25,520
Speaker 1: all at all, but had daddy he wants to get

1254
01:06:25,520 --> 01:06:30,160
Speaker 1: a pet goose. So we were like, nigga, but it's good. Again,

1255
01:06:30,200 --> 01:06:32,160
Speaker 1: it's like that we don't see anything, and I'm kind

1256
01:06:32,160 --> 01:06:33,720
Speaker 1: of like, you know, I don't want my child to

1257
01:06:33,720 --> 01:06:36,480
Speaker 1: take her virginity as a delicate flower to be protected.

1258
01:06:36,520 --> 01:06:38,200
Speaker 1: I want her to think about because I can't. I

1259
01:06:38,600 --> 01:06:41,040
Speaker 1: just guarded my virginity like the ill fitting pair of shute.

1260
01:06:41,040 --> 01:06:42,640
Speaker 1: So I was like, just get it out of the way.

1261
01:06:43,080 --> 01:06:44,560
Speaker 1: I barely remember the person, you know what I mean?

1262
01:06:44,600 --> 01:06:46,400
Speaker 1: Because I want I was curious about sex. I was

1263
01:06:46,440 --> 01:06:49,200
Speaker 1: ready to get started, and just the virginity felt like

1264
01:06:49,240 --> 01:06:51,640
Speaker 1: a weight to me. And even though I lost it

1265
01:06:51,720 --> 01:06:54,160
Speaker 1: at fifteen and didn't start, I didn't become sexually active

1266
01:06:54,240 --> 01:06:57,040
Speaker 1: until eighteen. Like I didn't like the pressure that people

1267
01:06:57,120 --> 01:06:58,960
Speaker 1: like who's going to be the first? Who's good? And

1268
01:06:59,080 --> 01:07:01,000
Speaker 1: that little of what I like it? Like that I

1269
01:07:01,120 --> 01:07:04,880
Speaker 1: just feel like, but also there's still something to like.

1270
01:07:04,960 --> 01:07:06,920
Speaker 1: What when I talk to young people because I do

1271
01:07:07,040 --> 01:07:09,480
Speaker 1: a bit of college speaking, we talk about sexual agency

1272
01:07:09,480 --> 01:07:12,280
Speaker 1: and consent and consent based that the lack of consent

1273
01:07:12,320 --> 01:07:15,040
Speaker 1: based education, and how important that is for you know,

1274
01:07:15,280 --> 01:07:17,960
Speaker 1: kids of all gender expressions and adults to learn or

1275
01:07:17,960 --> 01:07:21,840
Speaker 1: relearn that you should be thinking about sex is something

1276
01:07:21,880 --> 01:07:26,720
Speaker 1: that is an act between two consenting people who are eager,

1277
01:07:27,480 --> 01:07:31,800
Speaker 1: you know, affirmative consent right desire that I respect you.

1278
01:07:31,920 --> 01:07:34,320
Speaker 1: I am interested and invested in your pleasure. I want

1279
01:07:34,400 --> 01:07:37,080
Speaker 1: to share this experience with you, whether we're in a serious,

1280
01:07:37,080 --> 01:07:40,280
Speaker 1: committed relationship or in a casual sex experience. You know,

1281
01:07:40,400 --> 01:07:42,320
Speaker 1: that's what's so radical about what you all do. Like

1282
01:07:42,360 --> 01:07:45,240
Speaker 1: I hope I don't get emotion now, but like there,

1283
01:07:45,680 --> 01:07:49,120
Speaker 1: I was the sex positive feminist since I was a kid,

1284
01:07:49,480 --> 01:07:52,080
Speaker 1: right like before I had the language to even describe it.

1285
01:07:52,120 --> 01:07:53,520
Speaker 1: Like I remember when my friends are like, I don't

1286
01:07:53,520 --> 01:07:55,960
Speaker 1: think I've ever got a sex dick like ever, you know,

1287
01:07:56,280 --> 01:07:58,880
Speaker 1: or like I'm gonna I don't know how they become

1288
01:07:58,920 --> 01:08:03,160
Speaker 1: valley girls because we're from this, Like I ain't sucking

1289
01:08:03,160 --> 01:08:06,760
Speaker 1: nobody there. That's how they said, you know, I might

1290
01:08:06,800 --> 01:08:08,840
Speaker 1: suck like my husband's day. And I just remember just

1291
01:08:08,920 --> 01:08:10,880
Speaker 1: being like and I wasn't out there yet, but I

1292
01:08:10,920 --> 01:08:14,200
Speaker 1: just remember saying, I think it's gonna happen sooner than that.

1293
01:08:14,240 --> 01:08:16,080
Speaker 1: You guys, you know, like you just seem like this

1294
01:08:16,120 --> 01:08:17,840
Speaker 1: doesn't really say. It just sounds like it's a harder

1295
01:08:17,880 --> 01:08:19,880
Speaker 1: sex to me. And we're all really curious and interested

1296
01:08:19,920 --> 01:08:22,439
Speaker 1: in receiving oral sex. So just stands the reason that

1297
01:08:22,479 --> 01:08:23,840
Speaker 1: at some point we're good, this is going to be

1298
01:08:23,840 --> 01:08:26,439
Speaker 1: a trade off at the very you know, it should

1299
01:08:26,479 --> 01:08:28,479
Speaker 1: be right. And that's something I always say, like, don't

1300
01:08:28,520 --> 01:08:29,960
Speaker 1: go down on somebody who gonna go down on you.

1301
01:08:30,000 --> 01:08:33,479
Speaker 1: I don't care if you're you know, eighteen, are you

1302
01:08:33,560 --> 01:08:35,639
Speaker 1: doing to you? Unless you are like I don't desire

1303
01:08:35,720 --> 01:08:38,479
Speaker 1: and like that or don't with that tonight, then you're

1304
01:08:38,520 --> 01:08:40,880
Speaker 1: not sleeping with somebody who respects your sexual question. But

1305
01:08:40,920 --> 01:08:43,200
Speaker 1: we're not telling you know, for boys, it's just kind

1306
01:08:43,200 --> 01:08:46,160
Speaker 1: of taken for granted that they're going to because they're

1307
01:08:46,200 --> 01:08:48,880
Speaker 1: likely to ejaculate, they will enjoy experience. They don't have

1308
01:08:48,920 --> 01:08:51,519
Speaker 1: to think about whether the girls broken cherry or what

1309
01:08:51,640 --> 01:08:58,120
Speaker 1: have you. But I mean even mythical things like even

1310
01:08:58,160 --> 01:09:00,640
Speaker 1: with what you were saying though, like you lose your

1311
01:09:00,720 --> 01:09:05,680
Speaker 1: virginity at fifteen, I lost mine at sixteen. Um it was.

1312
01:09:06,240 --> 01:09:08,320
Speaker 1: It's also a thing to where when you lose it

1313
01:09:08,360 --> 01:09:14,920
Speaker 1: at those ages, older adults, your peers, other men. The

1314
01:09:15,000 --> 01:09:17,679
Speaker 1: reference to you being fast, you'd be in a home,

1315
01:09:17,880 --> 01:09:19,840
Speaker 1: you being I will sit here and go back to

1316
01:09:20,000 --> 01:09:23,000
Speaker 1: me being twenty eight. Now. The things that I know

1317
01:09:23,120 --> 01:09:25,560
Speaker 1: now and how I feel now and how I respond

1318
01:09:25,760 --> 01:09:28,920
Speaker 1: now to sex, to partners, to all of that is

1319
01:09:28,960 --> 01:09:32,080
Speaker 1: completely a one eighty from what I was doing at

1320
01:09:32,120 --> 01:09:36,120
Speaker 1: sucking sixteen to say twenty one. Honestly, like, holy sh it.

1321
01:09:36,320 --> 01:09:40,760
Speaker 1: So the fact that we put these mature adult responsibilities

1322
01:09:40,800 --> 01:09:43,479
Speaker 1: even on these young still children, I was working as

1323
01:09:43,479 --> 01:09:44,880
Speaker 1: a child. I don't do a funk with you like

1324
01:09:45,160 --> 01:09:48,200
Speaker 1: I was sucking as a child. And knowing now with

1325
01:09:48,360 --> 01:09:50,760
Speaker 1: the podcast and with the research and with friends like

1326
01:09:50,840 --> 01:09:53,680
Speaker 1: you and having conversations like this with you too, I

1327
01:09:53,800 --> 01:09:56,480
Speaker 1: know now I can look back I was sucking pedophiles,

1328
01:09:56,720 --> 01:10:00,120
Speaker 1: I was, or I was sucking the other words you say,

1329
01:10:02,000 --> 01:10:05,760
Speaker 1: I had to look it up sebophilia that I was

1330
01:10:05,800 --> 01:10:13,439
Speaker 1: dealing with men. Yeah. Yeah, And so like to sit

1331
01:10:13,479 --> 01:10:15,240
Speaker 1: here and have the platform that I do. That's why

1332
01:10:15,240 --> 01:10:17,920
Speaker 1: I thought this conversation was so important, because we do

1333
01:10:18,040 --> 01:10:20,479
Speaker 1: sit here and say, well, have you been fucking since

1334
01:10:20,520 --> 01:10:23,160
Speaker 1: you was ten or eleven or twelve? You get it,

1335
01:10:23,200 --> 01:10:29,720
Speaker 1: and it's like everything that I did probably before. Honestly, Yeah,

1336
01:10:29,760 --> 01:10:32,760
Speaker 1: but I find very interesting about that nerdy nerdy point.

1337
01:10:33,000 --> 01:10:36,599
Speaker 1: You guys are saying your brain is not fully formed.

1338
01:10:36,680 --> 01:10:39,639
Speaker 1: That's what we now know until about twenty five, twenty

1339
01:10:39,680 --> 01:10:43,320
Speaker 1: six that three that pre um from the text is

1340
01:10:43,360 --> 01:10:46,880
Speaker 1: not fully formed. So you know. Um. I always tell

1341
01:10:47,000 --> 01:10:50,240
Speaker 1: when I'm doing lectures or college tours or classroom work.

1342
01:10:50,240 --> 01:10:53,559
Speaker 1: I'm like, listen, y'all out here just bumping uglies because

1343
01:10:53,560 --> 01:10:57,760
Speaker 1: it's sex you having right now we're me or how

1344
01:10:57,800 --> 01:11:00,599
Speaker 1: it's gonna be popping over when you have it at all,

1345
01:11:01,080 --> 01:11:03,320
Speaker 1: when you've discovered who you are as a person, when

1346
01:11:03,320 --> 01:11:05,679
Speaker 1: you finished college. And I'm not telling you our shame

1347
01:11:05,720 --> 01:11:07,760
Speaker 1: on you for doing it. You gotta hit your head

1348
01:11:07,760 --> 01:11:10,200
Speaker 1: against the wall a couple of times in high school.

1349
01:11:10,360 --> 01:11:12,400
Speaker 1: But trust me, y'all ain't need to be doing it

1350
01:11:12,439 --> 01:11:14,519
Speaker 1: that much. Y'all don't need to collect so many notches

1351
01:11:14,560 --> 01:11:17,599
Speaker 1: on your belt. You don't need so many numbers. Although

1352
01:11:17,960 --> 01:11:22,080
Speaker 1: I lost my number in nineteen, I don't know my number.

1353
01:11:24,960 --> 01:11:28,240
Speaker 1: I had to give you the right number to save

1354
01:11:28,360 --> 01:11:31,200
Speaker 1: my life. But the girl told you on the end

1355
01:11:31,240 --> 01:11:34,639
Speaker 1: of the number is four. This is the number is full, said,

1356
01:11:34,720 --> 01:11:37,080
Speaker 1: go up or down. If you two niggers named Ryan,

1357
01:11:37,120 --> 01:11:43,680
Speaker 1: you name right here number. Because people don't believe that

1358
01:11:43,800 --> 01:11:47,599
Speaker 1: one hand. I like to say nine nine because you're

1359
01:11:47,600 --> 01:11:54,439
Speaker 1: still on the year. It's so stupid. If you really

1360
01:11:54,479 --> 01:11:57,320
Speaker 1: do the math, I'm a grown woman. I didn't pass

1361
01:11:57,360 --> 01:11:59,599
Speaker 1: thirty five looking the whole hell of a lot closer

1362
01:11:59,640 --> 01:12:02,160
Speaker 1: to four pready then thirty if you don't want to say,

1363
01:12:02,439 --> 01:12:07,040
Speaker 1: and if I lost my virginity, okay at fifteen beach,

1364
01:12:07,080 --> 01:12:10,920
Speaker 1: we're looking at almost twenty years. Yeah, so we clearly

1365
01:12:10,960 --> 01:12:17,880
Speaker 1: know okay my numbers twenty? Right? Wait? Are we only

1366
01:12:17,920 --> 01:12:25,840
Speaker 1: talking man? Right? Hello? Hello? There's that? How about that?

1367
01:12:27,680 --> 01:12:31,160
Speaker 1: There you go? So I want to circle this back.

1368
01:12:31,280 --> 01:12:33,400
Speaker 1: I want to I guess now I want to discuss

1369
01:12:33,439 --> 01:12:36,479
Speaker 1: more of the general aspects that relate to this. We

1370
01:12:36,560 --> 01:12:39,679
Speaker 1: talked about accountability, We did talk about us as children,

1371
01:12:39,880 --> 01:12:42,280
Speaker 1: but I wanted to get into a lot of men

1372
01:12:42,640 --> 01:12:46,559
Speaker 1: were questioning why these women, why these victims chose to

1373
01:12:46,880 --> 01:12:51,599
Speaker 1: go on lifetime and share their story in that case,

1374
01:12:51,720 --> 01:12:55,679
Speaker 1: instead of taking this man to court, instead of letting

1375
01:12:56,040 --> 01:12:59,360
Speaker 1: the court system find him guilty. And as you guys see,

1376
01:12:59,360 --> 01:13:01,720
Speaker 1: I believe this. This was in part three and four.

1377
01:13:02,000 --> 01:13:04,000
Speaker 1: We saw that the course system has already failed us

1378
01:13:04,000 --> 01:13:07,280
Speaker 1: once just this predator um one of the twice Florida

1379
01:13:07,360 --> 01:13:10,559
Speaker 1: and Florida in Chicago. One of the tweets that I

1380
01:13:10,600 --> 01:13:13,920
Speaker 1: saw today that resonated with all of y'all and even

1381
01:13:13,960 --> 01:13:16,840
Speaker 1: the parents on this last part that was saying, well,

1382
01:13:16,840 --> 01:13:22,759
Speaker 1: he wasn't found guilty. A tweet today that said, George Zimmerman,

1383
01:13:23,280 --> 01:13:26,479
Speaker 1: well they found guilty. Would you let your black ass

1384
01:13:26,520 --> 01:13:31,040
Speaker 1: son hang around, George Zimmerman. So for these parents and

1385
01:13:31,120 --> 01:13:32,800
Speaker 1: for all these people to sit here and try to

1386
01:13:33,280 --> 01:13:37,880
Speaker 1: use the court system to justify his innocence, it's it's

1387
01:13:38,160 --> 01:13:40,599
Speaker 1: discussing a lot of these same people that would use

1388
01:13:40,640 --> 01:13:44,320
Speaker 1: the court system to justify our Kelly's innocence, would look

1389
01:13:44,360 --> 01:13:46,800
Speaker 1: at Bill Cosmy being behind jail as a you know,

1390
01:13:46,840 --> 01:13:51,880
Speaker 1: behind bars, as a travesty because they so which one is.

1391
01:13:52,280 --> 01:13:54,519
Speaker 1: Then those are also the same parents who will not

1392
01:13:54,640 --> 01:13:57,000
Speaker 1: allow their students to sign up for a fifth grade

1393
01:13:57,000 --> 01:14:00,200
Speaker 1: sex said class because you know what, my child don't

1394
01:14:00,240 --> 01:14:02,120
Speaker 1: need to know that. I'm gonna teach him when they ready.

1395
01:14:02,320 --> 01:14:04,880
Speaker 1: I got into an argument on Thursday with a dude

1396
01:14:05,160 --> 01:14:07,599
Speaker 1: at a bar about this. He was like, I don't

1397
01:14:07,600 --> 01:14:10,400
Speaker 1: like how you support Amber Rose. She's not she's this

1398
01:14:10,520 --> 01:14:13,240
Speaker 1: that another I was like, bro, she's talking about women

1399
01:14:13,400 --> 01:14:17,080
Speaker 1: equal sexuality. I don't need to teach my son that, oh,

1400
01:14:19,800 --> 01:14:22,120
Speaker 1: ten years old, you never had a conversation with him

1401
01:14:22,120 --> 01:14:27,960
Speaker 1: about sex. Thirteen year old boy, that's a problem. Like

1402
01:14:28,000 --> 01:14:32,240
Speaker 1: they're for you. People don't understand that um porn versus

1403
01:14:32,280 --> 01:14:36,080
Speaker 1: onset of porn is nine here in the US on

1404
01:14:36,240 --> 01:14:40,320
Speaker 1: average when you think about cell phones. So you're mad

1405
01:14:40,360 --> 01:14:44,760
Speaker 1: at the parents he wasn't found guilty, Like why did

1406
01:14:44,840 --> 01:14:48,240
Speaker 1: they have to be found guilty? Of those parents? Not

1407
01:14:48,320 --> 01:14:51,160
Speaker 1: to mention out of sexual assault, Like when it comes

1408
01:14:51,160 --> 01:14:55,480
Speaker 1: to sexual assault, only about nine of every one thousand

1409
01:14:55,520 --> 01:14:59,439
Speaker 1: cases see a district attorney's dead one. That doesn't even

1410
01:14:59,479 --> 01:15:02,479
Speaker 1: mean somebody gonna be found guilty. You've had nine thousand

1411
01:15:02,520 --> 01:15:05,080
Speaker 1: reports and only nine get to see a district attorney

1412
01:15:05,080 --> 01:15:08,920
Speaker 1: a prosecutor's desk. Oh, but then other that doesn't even

1413
01:15:08,960 --> 01:15:11,360
Speaker 1: mean there's a trial. Hello, That's what I'm saying. So

1414
01:15:11,400 --> 01:15:16,240
Speaker 1: how many actually get found guilty? Probably less than one. Listen,

1415
01:15:16,280 --> 01:15:19,320
Speaker 1: they're there. There are men. There are people who are

1416
01:15:19,360 --> 01:15:23,080
Speaker 1: found guilty within the households by other people in the

1417
01:15:23,120 --> 01:15:27,000
Speaker 1: household and people still sweeping under the rug where they

1418
01:15:27,040 --> 01:15:29,720
Speaker 1: still excuse it, or they still say, oh, well, you know,

1419
01:15:30,080 --> 01:15:31,840
Speaker 1: we don't want to we don't want to send them

1420
01:15:31,840 --> 01:15:35,559
Speaker 1: to jail, or we don't want to keep doing this again.

1421
01:15:35,680 --> 01:15:37,920
Speaker 1: Tell you one of the saddest stories I've ever heard.

1422
01:15:38,040 --> 01:15:41,439
Speaker 1: I was at a camp, like a week long camp

1423
01:15:41,479 --> 01:15:45,160
Speaker 1: for it was like activists, survivors of sexual sorry, survivors

1424
01:15:45,160 --> 01:15:47,200
Speaker 1: of violence. Many of them were relatives of people have

1425
01:15:47,240 --> 01:15:49,120
Speaker 1: been killed by police. It was like a healing space

1426
01:15:49,120 --> 01:15:51,960
Speaker 1: that Kimberly Crunshaw it was the architect of intersectionality and

1427
01:15:52,080 --> 01:15:54,560
Speaker 1: put together. And I was teaching the writing class. The

1428
01:15:54,600 --> 01:15:57,920
Speaker 1: young Muslim sister who tells a story about when she

1429
01:15:58,120 --> 01:16:01,720
Speaker 1: lived in Philadelphia. She wear a head coverings that are

1430
01:16:01,720 --> 01:16:07,120
Speaker 1: identifiably Muslim family and post nine eleven, how things changed

1431
01:16:07,240 --> 01:16:09,920
Speaker 1: even though they were obviously African American Muslims. But they've

1432
01:16:10,000 --> 01:16:12,519
Speaker 1: got the last name, say Mohammed. You know, they're they're

1433
01:16:12,520 --> 01:16:15,080
Speaker 1: wearing their religious garb. I think them and her family

1434
01:16:15,080 --> 01:16:18,560
Speaker 1: may also wear it, you know. So now they're being profiled,

1435
01:16:18,600 --> 01:16:20,840
Speaker 1: they're being called terrorists. Are done with these other things.

1436
01:16:21,160 --> 01:16:25,680
Speaker 1: At the same time, her older brother is sexually molesting

1437
01:16:25,720 --> 01:16:29,320
Speaker 1: her and she at at a very young age, I

1438
01:16:29,320 --> 01:16:32,920
Speaker 1: want to say ten eleven twelve, is grappling with is

1439
01:16:32,920 --> 01:16:36,800
Speaker 1: aware that she's grappling with, wanting to go to her

1440
01:16:36,880 --> 01:16:41,080
Speaker 1: family and ask for help, but also this fear that

1441
01:16:41,120 --> 01:16:44,040
Speaker 1: the police would kill her brother. Then she carried this

1442
01:16:44,080 --> 01:16:48,160
Speaker 1: weight for years and that's so many of us, you know,

1443
01:16:48,320 --> 01:16:51,000
Speaker 1: be it a date rape, be it's somebody that we've

1444
01:16:51,040 --> 01:16:54,400
Speaker 1: known for a long time, being you know, even someone

1445
01:16:54,439 --> 01:16:59,240
Speaker 1: on the street, just this idea that involving the system beyond.

1446
01:16:59,439 --> 01:17:01,920
Speaker 1: You might not believe me, you know, you might not

1447
01:17:01,960 --> 01:17:03,960
Speaker 1: take me seriously because I'm a black woman that I

1448
01:17:04,000 --> 01:17:08,640
Speaker 1: feel responsible for my assailants. You know, when I was

1449
01:17:09,200 --> 01:17:11,920
Speaker 1: sexually assaulted. I was raped when I was twenty one,

1450
01:17:12,160 --> 01:17:13,880
Speaker 1: right before I moved to New York. I was literally

1451
01:17:13,880 --> 01:17:15,320
Speaker 1: in the prob. I was supposed to move to New

1452
01:17:15,400 --> 01:17:17,840
Speaker 1: York two days after it happened. I ended up standing.

1453
01:17:17,840 --> 01:17:19,479
Speaker 1: I was living right outside of d C. I just

1454
01:17:19,520 --> 01:17:21,200
Speaker 1: finished college, and I ended up staying out there an

1455
01:17:21,200 --> 01:17:23,240
Speaker 1: extra weeks to kind of get my head together and stuff.

1456
01:17:24,080 --> 01:17:26,920
Speaker 1: And I tell I lied to the police and said

1457
01:17:26,960 --> 01:17:29,800
Speaker 1: that he was white. For two reasons. One, I was like,

1458
01:17:29,840 --> 01:17:31,519
Speaker 1: I have to get I was afraid that they would

1459
01:17:31,600 --> 01:17:33,040
Speaker 1: keep me there. Of one, I was like, why don't

1460
01:17:33,080 --> 01:17:35,200
Speaker 1: even think they're gonna, like actually investigate this, Like but

1461
01:17:35,240 --> 01:17:36,360
Speaker 1: I was afraid. I was like, what if I have

1462
01:17:36,400 --> 01:17:37,559
Speaker 1: to stay, I don't want to do a t I

1463
01:17:37,560 --> 01:17:39,559
Speaker 1: have to get out of here. So a lot about

1464
01:17:39,560 --> 01:17:41,200
Speaker 1: the race. But the other thing was I was like,

1465
01:17:41,400 --> 01:17:44,040
Speaker 1: I don't believe you all are going to take he

1466
01:17:44,120 --> 01:17:48,040
Speaker 1: was black, okay, but and it was a stranger, but

1467
01:17:48,080 --> 01:17:51,320
Speaker 1: I also knows a robbery. But like I also feared

1468
01:17:51,360 --> 01:17:53,679
Speaker 1: that like if they do go out there looking, they're

1469
01:17:53,680 --> 01:17:56,400
Speaker 1: just gonna start one. I can't identify him, you know,

1470
01:17:56,439 --> 01:17:57,920
Speaker 1: like like he had on a map. It was like

1471
01:17:57,920 --> 01:18:00,439
Speaker 1: a traditional from TV, the type of thing that's whole street,

1472
01:18:00,479 --> 01:18:02,320
Speaker 1: cut and dry, like this is exactly as bad as

1473
01:18:02,320 --> 01:18:04,519
Speaker 1: it look. I should get all the sympathy. There's no

1474
01:18:04,600 --> 01:18:08,120
Speaker 1: gray area. And still was not traded that way, but

1475
01:18:08,240 --> 01:18:11,320
Speaker 1: at least you know, officers and detectives, and still was

1476
01:18:11,360 --> 01:18:13,200
Speaker 1: traded as if it was in significant And didn't get

1477
01:18:13,240 --> 01:18:15,360
Speaker 1: a phone call from the rape crisis folks to like

1478
01:18:15,400 --> 01:18:17,280
Speaker 1: three months later, like we wanted to check on you.

1479
01:18:17,560 --> 01:18:18,800
Speaker 1: I was like, you know, do you want to come

1480
01:18:18,800 --> 01:18:21,280
Speaker 1: in for counseling. I'm like, I moved. I can't. I'm

1481
01:18:21,320 --> 01:18:22,920
Speaker 1: not in Maryland anymore. Like I couldn't come if I

1482
01:18:23,080 --> 01:18:25,800
Speaker 1: wanted to. But I also thought about, like so they're

1483
01:18:25,800 --> 01:18:28,479
Speaker 1: gonna stop some arbitrary black dudes, Like I'm gonna have

1484
01:18:28,520 --> 01:18:31,280
Speaker 1: to go participate in this process. Of them stopping arbitrary

1485
01:18:31,320 --> 01:18:33,240
Speaker 1: black guys. I just want to get out of here.

1486
01:18:33,280 --> 01:18:34,519
Speaker 1: And if I had to do it all over again,

1487
01:18:34,520 --> 01:18:36,240
Speaker 1: I would have given an accurate description. But I was

1488
01:18:36,280 --> 01:18:38,080
Speaker 1: really just like, I just want to get out of here,

1489
01:18:38,320 --> 01:18:40,120
Speaker 1: want to move and want to move on. It's crazy

1490
01:18:40,200 --> 01:18:42,760
Speaker 1: that you bring that up. I shared that I was

1491
01:18:43,160 --> 01:18:45,840
Speaker 1: molested on a train up here. Um it was rush

1492
01:18:45,920 --> 01:18:48,599
Speaker 1: hour and I was trying to put my purse behind

1493
01:18:48,600 --> 01:18:50,599
Speaker 1: me because you know, you're bump into people the train

1494
01:18:50,680 --> 01:18:54,599
Speaker 1: you can't move. Um. The doors opened at an express

1495
01:18:54,680 --> 01:18:56,920
Speaker 1: stop and his dick was fully out of his pants.

1496
01:18:56,960 --> 01:18:59,720
Speaker 1: He had been rubbing his dick on me for the

1497
01:18:59,760 --> 01:19:01,559
Speaker 1: five or six minutes that we were on the train,

1498
01:19:01,880 --> 01:19:05,240
Speaker 1: and I froze and started crying. And what you're saying

1499
01:19:06,080 --> 01:19:10,120
Speaker 1: what made me even more mad was that I looked

1500
01:19:10,160 --> 01:19:13,720
Speaker 1: to him and he was a black man, and of

1501
01:19:13,800 --> 01:19:16,799
Speaker 1: all the things to think, I wished he was everything

1502
01:19:16,840 --> 01:19:19,679
Speaker 1: but a black man, because I didn't want to have

1503
01:19:19,800 --> 01:19:22,800
Speaker 1: the hate of a black man, because that's all I

1504
01:19:22,880 --> 01:19:25,320
Speaker 1: deal with, that's all I have sex with. That my

1505
01:19:25,439 --> 01:19:27,479
Speaker 1: dad is black, a lot of the men and my

1506
01:19:27,520 --> 01:19:31,120
Speaker 1: family are black. And I had just been physically assaulted.

1507
01:19:31,160 --> 01:19:32,960
Speaker 1: I frozen. Couldn't even do all the things I said

1508
01:19:32,960 --> 01:19:35,320
Speaker 1: I would do if I ever was sexually assaulted. I

1509
01:19:35,360 --> 01:19:38,040
Speaker 1: froze and then just started crying and went home. And

1510
01:19:38,479 --> 01:19:40,320
Speaker 1: literally that was the thought that came to my head

1511
01:19:41,000 --> 01:19:43,400
Speaker 1: was Fuck, this was a black man, and I was

1512
01:19:43,520 --> 01:19:45,600
Speaker 1: pissed it was a stranger, but the fact that it

1513
01:19:45,640 --> 01:19:48,080
Speaker 1: was a black man, and I want to bring another

1514
01:19:48,120 --> 01:19:52,719
Speaker 1: story to this. UM, my uncle actually just got deported. UM.

1515
01:19:52,760 --> 01:19:55,960
Speaker 1: This was recent. UM in my family. We came to

1516
01:19:56,000 --> 01:19:58,439
Speaker 1: find out that he was molesting my cousin since she

1517
01:19:58,640 --> 01:20:01,680
Speaker 1: was a child, and the only reason she came toward

1518
01:20:02,320 --> 01:20:05,800
Speaker 1: his daughter. The only reason she came forward was because

1519
01:20:05,800 --> 01:20:09,280
Speaker 1: she got pregnant with a girl and the fear of

1520
01:20:09,360 --> 01:20:11,160
Speaker 1: him doing that to her daughter was the only reason

1521
01:20:11,200 --> 01:20:15,080
Speaker 1: why she told our whole family. And it was mixed

1522
01:20:15,080 --> 01:20:18,400
Speaker 1: feelings because my dad it was my dad's brother. He

1523
01:20:18,760 --> 01:20:21,040
Speaker 1: was upset that now his brother had to be deported,

1524
01:20:21,240 --> 01:20:23,639
Speaker 1: but then so he was upset at that, but then

1525
01:20:23,760 --> 01:20:26,680
Speaker 1: also made sure that my uncle had never touched me

1526
01:20:26,680 --> 01:20:29,679
Speaker 1: and my sister's which he didn't. But to know that

1527
01:20:30,360 --> 01:20:34,479
Speaker 1: this was happening our entire childhood hoood. Nobody knew and

1528
01:20:34,520 --> 01:20:36,280
Speaker 1: the only reason she thought to come out was as

1529
01:20:36,280 --> 01:20:38,000
Speaker 1: an adult she was having a girl and didn't want

1530
01:20:38,000 --> 01:20:40,640
Speaker 1: it to happen to her daughter. And so again with

1531
01:20:40,800 --> 01:20:42,880
Speaker 1: it happening in the family, with me not wanting to

1532
01:20:42,920 --> 01:20:45,800
Speaker 1: see black men act this way like I do want

1533
01:20:45,800 --> 01:20:47,880
Speaker 1: more for us, and it's it is a lot of

1534
01:20:47,880 --> 01:20:51,320
Speaker 1: the times black men hurting us as black women, and

1535
01:20:51,400 --> 01:20:54,280
Speaker 1: so it's it's gonna be a conversation for us to

1536
01:20:54,320 --> 01:20:57,080
Speaker 1: make a change. And however we can with your education,

1537
01:20:57,160 --> 01:21:00,840
Speaker 1: with your um nonprofits and your foundations, and then with

1538
01:21:00,920 --> 01:21:03,160
Speaker 1: you as a mother, with you bringing the education that

1539
01:21:03,200 --> 01:21:06,360
Speaker 1: you are to your daughter to hopefully spew that into

1540
01:21:06,400 --> 01:21:10,200
Speaker 1: generations to come. But again, we're gonna need the black

1541
01:21:10,240 --> 01:21:13,000
Speaker 1: men on this just as much, and not for you

1542
01:21:13,400 --> 01:21:15,479
Speaker 1: like I see on Twitter and Instagram, for you guys

1543
01:21:15,520 --> 01:21:19,040
Speaker 1: to keep pointing the fingers back to us, man or

1544
01:21:19,080 --> 01:21:24,000
Speaker 1: the white man. Get involved. Yes, come to a class,

1545
01:21:24,760 --> 01:21:27,200
Speaker 1: start up a parent brunch with your homies where you

1546
01:21:27,320 --> 01:21:30,360
Speaker 1: start having these like you have a dude's night, get

1547
01:21:30,400 --> 01:21:33,240
Speaker 1: some cognac, and have some hard conversations with the homies

1548
01:21:33,640 --> 01:21:35,479
Speaker 1: because a lot of us women do. Because that's the

1549
01:21:35,560 --> 01:21:39,360
Speaker 1: thing you have to unpack first, and through that unpacking

1550
01:21:39,520 --> 01:21:43,719
Speaker 1: and through conversation and dialogue we will come to solution together.

1551
01:21:44,000 --> 01:21:46,160
Speaker 1: And yes, black men are hurting black women, and white

1552
01:21:46,200 --> 01:21:49,000
Speaker 1: men are hurting white women, and Muslim men are hurting

1553
01:21:49,120 --> 01:21:52,360
Speaker 1: and it's men are hurting wo women. And when we

1554
01:21:52,400 --> 01:21:56,559
Speaker 1: when we talk about black men specifically, it's because one, yes,

1555
01:21:56,600 --> 01:21:58,599
Speaker 1: we have to acknowledge that like men are when people

1556
01:21:58,640 --> 01:22:00,760
Speaker 1: are hurt by people that look like that. You know,

1557
01:22:00,840 --> 01:22:02,400
Speaker 1: you're getting robbed by a white guy. If you're a

1558
01:22:02,400 --> 01:22:04,400
Speaker 1: white guy, you're getting you know, harmed by a white man,

1559
01:22:04,400 --> 01:22:06,599
Speaker 1: if you're a white woman. When we talk about black men,

1560
01:22:06,680 --> 01:22:08,559
Speaker 1: it's because one, not only are the ones doing it

1561
01:22:08,600 --> 01:22:10,599
Speaker 1: to us, but that cover you know, when white people

1562
01:22:10,600 --> 01:22:12,639
Speaker 1: talk about sexual taut they don't talk about white men

1563
01:22:12,680 --> 01:22:14,360
Speaker 1: have to stop hurting white women. They talk about men

1564
01:22:14,439 --> 01:22:16,880
Speaker 1: hurting women the right one because they see themselves as

1565
01:22:16,880 --> 01:22:19,240
Speaker 1: a default to humanity, you know, and their issues and

1566
01:22:19,360 --> 01:22:23,200
Speaker 1: everyone's issues, you know, and also their experiences with people

1567
01:22:23,200 --> 01:22:25,360
Speaker 1: of color and sexual so and how that enters you know,

1568
01:22:25,479 --> 01:22:28,439
Speaker 1: to them are the same. Right. But also for us

1569
01:22:28,479 --> 01:22:30,120
Speaker 1: it's like we when we say we need to talk

1570
01:22:30,120 --> 01:22:32,360
Speaker 1: about black man, it's because we know that conversation has

1571
01:22:32,360 --> 01:22:34,800
Speaker 1: to be different because we're taking into account Emett till

1572
01:22:35,160 --> 01:22:37,640
Speaker 1: we're taking into account trade by Martin being profiled and

1573
01:22:37,720 --> 01:22:41,280
Speaker 1: hunted down and murdered for the possibility that he could

1574
01:22:41,280 --> 01:22:43,360
Speaker 1: be there to do harm to a white woman, a girl,

1575
01:22:43,680 --> 01:22:46,200
Speaker 1: right like we we have we have we understand all

1576
01:22:46,240 --> 01:22:48,040
Speaker 1: of this, you know, and not everybody who wants to

1577
01:22:48,040 --> 01:22:50,320
Speaker 1: do that work understands it. When we talk about people

1578
01:22:50,360 --> 01:22:52,040
Speaker 1: going a little bit too far, being a little bit

1579
01:22:52,080 --> 01:22:55,320
Speaker 1: too soft like that, they're just so much nuance and

1580
01:22:55,320 --> 01:22:57,599
Speaker 1: and so much history that you have to take into account.

1581
01:22:57,640 --> 01:23:01,240
Speaker 1: And so I'm not angry at the discomfort that black

1582
01:23:01,240 --> 01:23:04,760
Speaker 1: men feel at the beginning of the Bill Cosby or

1583
01:23:04,840 --> 01:23:07,360
Speaker 1: R Kelly Sagas. What I'm upset with is now that

1584
01:23:07,400 --> 01:23:10,800
Speaker 1: you've had years to realize that those are not the

1585
01:23:10,880 --> 01:23:14,120
Speaker 1: average black man. They're not even the average black mail predator,

1586
01:23:14,439 --> 01:23:16,960
Speaker 1: because not only has the power and the money and

1587
01:23:16,960 --> 01:23:18,760
Speaker 1: the influence that they have has allowed them to create

1588
01:23:18,800 --> 01:23:23,880
Speaker 1: these ecosystems of abuse, right ecosystems rather, but also the

1589
01:23:24,400 --> 01:23:28,040
Speaker 1: volume right, the volume of accused, volume of victims is

1590
01:23:28,080 --> 01:23:30,360
Speaker 1: so profound that if you're still if that's still like

1591
01:23:30,600 --> 01:23:34,360
Speaker 1: we can have a different conversation about Nate Parker for sure, right,

1592
01:23:34,680 --> 01:23:36,760
Speaker 1: But if you're having the conversation and the lack of

1593
01:23:36,800 --> 01:23:40,559
Speaker 1: affirmative consent based sexual education, you know that's not to

1594
01:23:40,600 --> 01:23:42,639
Speaker 1: absolve him of any guilt, but that it's a different

1595
01:23:42,680 --> 01:23:46,880
Speaker 1: conversation than somebody who has sixties and somebody accusers somebody

1596
01:23:46,880 --> 01:23:49,120
Speaker 1: who has you know, count with our Kelly is the

1597
01:23:49,240 --> 01:23:52,320
Speaker 1: number is just countless, right, and we know how many

1598
01:23:52,360 --> 01:23:56,120
Speaker 1: have come forward, and it's just I'd like to do

1599
01:23:56,160 --> 01:24:00,559
Speaker 1: that work without being a retraumatized or are rated and

1600
01:24:00,600 --> 01:24:03,160
Speaker 1: abused by by iron men. And it hurts, and I'm willing,

1601
01:24:03,200 --> 01:24:04,800
Speaker 1: but I'm also like I can take it, you know,

1602
01:24:04,880 --> 01:24:07,120
Speaker 1: I'm like, i'd rather like when I was talking about

1603
01:24:07,160 --> 01:24:11,559
Speaker 1: the documentary online, I speak to the victims online, um,

1604
01:24:11,560 --> 01:24:13,600
Speaker 1: but I don't tag them in things. But I'm you know,

1605
01:24:13,600 --> 01:24:15,800
Speaker 1: I'd like, I'd rather don't go in Geronda pace come from.

1606
01:24:15,800 --> 01:24:17,680
Speaker 1: You want to call me a black man hating bit,

1607
01:24:17,720 --> 01:24:19,160
Speaker 1: You want to stay having agenda, you wanna say we're

1608
01:24:19,160 --> 01:24:21,400
Speaker 1: trying to like, let me hope that you know, don't

1609
01:24:21,439 --> 01:24:24,400
Speaker 1: don't foie that upon these people who are taking advantage

1610
01:24:24,400 --> 01:24:26,400
Speaker 1: of by this man from such a young age. And

1611
01:24:26,400 --> 01:24:29,639
Speaker 1: if you're listening to this, and you're wondering why we keep,

1612
01:24:30,280 --> 01:24:34,280
Speaker 1: you know, maybe singling out black men or black women

1613
01:24:34,479 --> 01:24:36,519
Speaker 1: or black girls. I want to say that it has

1614
01:24:36,560 --> 01:24:39,880
Speaker 1: been probably a consensus of full narrative that if these

1615
01:24:39,960 --> 01:24:43,559
Speaker 1: victims were white, that R. Kelly would have been tried

1616
01:24:43,600 --> 01:24:47,040
Speaker 1: differently and a lot of times um again. And I

1617
01:24:47,080 --> 01:24:49,679
Speaker 1: don't want to say that maybe white victims have more

1618
01:24:49,840 --> 01:24:53,200
Speaker 1: of a voice, but in society, in the court system,

1619
01:24:53,400 --> 01:24:57,400
Speaker 1: I remember there and said I didn't believe the women

1620
01:24:57,520 --> 01:24:59,360
Speaker 1: because of how they dressed, how they talked, and what

1621
01:24:59,439 --> 01:25:02,960
Speaker 1: they looked like. That was discussed, but he was one

1622
01:25:02,960 --> 01:25:06,320
Speaker 1: of the jervors. He was, it was star, but he

1623
01:25:06,400 --> 01:25:10,439
Speaker 1: spoke for a large a large population of the people.

1624
01:25:11,439 --> 01:25:13,200
Speaker 1: And so I do want to sit here and say

1625
01:25:13,240 --> 01:25:16,719
Speaker 1: that that's why we are singling out black women, um

1626
01:25:16,760 --> 01:25:19,360
Speaker 1: and black men, because I think, as we know we

1627
01:25:19,479 --> 01:25:23,519
Speaker 1: do as oppressors. It's sickening that we oppressed our own

1628
01:25:24,160 --> 01:25:27,880
Speaker 1: um in homophobia and women in gender roles and all

1629
01:25:27,920 --> 01:25:30,719
Speaker 1: of that. And I just want better for our community.

1630
01:25:31,600 --> 01:25:34,599
Speaker 1: I think that we're talking about black men because we

1631
01:25:34,680 --> 01:25:37,920
Speaker 1: are black women. Yeah, we go to for you. I

1632
01:25:37,920 --> 01:25:43,439
Speaker 1: can't talk about talking about we don't know, we don't

1633
01:25:43,520 --> 01:25:45,640
Speaker 1: understand he never had sex with the white man. I

1634
01:25:45,760 --> 01:25:48,800
Speaker 1: don't I don't hat white men. I don't know, I

1635
01:25:48,800 --> 01:25:51,280
Speaker 1: don't know about white men, saying I can't talk about

1636
01:25:51,280 --> 01:25:53,240
Speaker 1: white men. Trauma is not at the hands of I

1637
01:25:53,280 --> 01:25:55,600
Speaker 1: don't want to be in the black listening. No, this is.

1638
01:25:56,960 --> 01:25:58,840
Speaker 1: But you are a male child. We're going to have

1639
01:25:58,880 --> 01:26:01,760
Speaker 1: black men black men, and so I want you guys

1640
01:26:01,360 --> 01:26:03,800
Speaker 1: know that that's why this narrative has taken place the

1641
01:26:03,840 --> 01:26:06,519
Speaker 1: way it has. UM. But we are about to wrap up.

1642
01:26:06,840 --> 01:26:09,200
Speaker 1: I want all of you guys, UM to follow everyone.

1643
01:26:09,200 --> 01:26:11,040
Speaker 1: We're gonna go ahead and and let you all know

1644
01:26:11,080 --> 01:26:14,439
Speaker 1: what we have coming up where you can find us, UM,

1645
01:26:14,479 --> 01:26:16,160
Speaker 1: and if you would like maybe a part two of

1646
01:26:16,200 --> 01:26:18,360
Speaker 1: this conversation, let me know, and let let let us

1647
01:26:18,360 --> 01:26:21,320
Speaker 1: know what other topics you would like. UM. Going into

1648
01:26:21,360 --> 01:26:23,439
Speaker 1: twenty nineteen, I'm about to have a nice little vision

1649
01:26:23,439 --> 01:26:26,280
Speaker 1: boarding party, but I would absolutely love maybe somehow to

1650
01:26:26,320 --> 01:26:28,880
Speaker 1: set up a panel or a group conversation to have

1651
01:26:28,920 --> 01:26:31,280
Speaker 1: women come and talk to us and men. I'm sorry,

1652
01:26:31,280 --> 01:26:33,439
Speaker 1: I would love I would love men to come, and

1653
01:26:33,479 --> 01:26:34,840
Speaker 1: we need men in the room, but I would love

1654
01:26:34,880 --> 01:26:37,840
Speaker 1: to maybe set something up, UM between the four of us,

1655
01:26:37,840 --> 01:26:39,960
Speaker 1: maybe any other people that you know are are looking

1656
01:26:40,000 --> 01:26:42,120
Speaker 1: to say this head or oh men, y'all need to

1657
01:26:42,120 --> 01:26:47,640
Speaker 1: come to your goddamn emotions. I will help facilitate it.

1658
01:26:47,640 --> 01:26:49,680
Speaker 1: I will help give you all event like we can

1659
01:26:49,720 --> 01:26:51,160
Speaker 1: help them get like. Yes, I would love to do

1660
01:26:51,200 --> 01:26:53,320
Speaker 1: something with you all, you know, in a mixed gender

1661
01:26:53,320 --> 01:26:56,640
Speaker 1: group and all women groups. Yes, like creating spaces for

1662
01:26:56,680 --> 01:26:59,200
Speaker 1: men to talk to men about what's going on and

1663
01:26:59,240 --> 01:27:01,519
Speaker 1: to listen to an environment where they are going to

1664
01:27:01,560 --> 01:27:06,440
Speaker 1: actually listen to us. Would love that. New York absolutely,

1665
01:27:06,640 --> 01:27:08,920
Speaker 1: and and and it's not a call out, it's a

1666
01:27:08,960 --> 01:27:11,800
Speaker 1: call in. And we're we're calling you in. We love you.

1667
01:27:11,880 --> 01:27:13,240
Speaker 1: I do want to give a shout out. There's a

1668
01:27:13,240 --> 01:27:16,920
Speaker 1: really great program called Black Boy Rise. Look it up. Um.

1669
01:27:16,960 --> 01:27:19,719
Speaker 1: It's for black men and black boys, and they explore

1670
01:27:19,760 --> 01:27:24,280
Speaker 1: sexuality and toxic masculinity and that is the specialization. Um.

1671
01:27:24,439 --> 01:27:28,639
Speaker 1: Lou is amazing. He does restorative justice work. We've worked

1672
01:27:28,680 --> 01:27:31,240
Speaker 1: together in a space of sexuality. I would love to

1673
01:27:31,280 --> 01:27:35,000
Speaker 1: bring him here again. It's Black Boy Rise. But again,

1674
01:27:35,040 --> 01:27:36,880
Speaker 1: we've said a lot of things, but like Mandy said,

1675
01:27:37,120 --> 01:27:39,800
Speaker 1: I want to say, we need sis gendered black men

1676
01:27:40,040 --> 01:27:43,639
Speaker 1: so badly. Um and and I'm just gonna say, please

1677
01:27:44,320 --> 01:27:46,720
Speaker 1: find me out. Oh and most importantly, I do want

1678
01:27:46,720 --> 01:27:49,240
Speaker 1: to give one critique about the R. Kelly thing. I

1679
01:27:49,320 --> 01:27:52,559
Speaker 1: was really disappointed. I will say it. At the very end,

1680
01:27:52,600 --> 01:27:54,640
Speaker 1: they had a great opportunity to kind of shift the

1681
01:27:54,640 --> 01:27:58,080
Speaker 1: discussion off our Kelly to intimate partner violence, because that's

1682
01:27:58,120 --> 01:28:01,679
Speaker 1: really what it was about human trafficking, intimate partner violence.

1683
01:28:01,680 --> 01:28:03,920
Speaker 1: We've talked about that today and they did not share

1684
01:28:03,920 --> 01:28:06,759
Speaker 1: a hotline number, so we wanted to share a hotline

1685
01:28:06,800 --> 01:28:08,760
Speaker 1: and also I'm gonna make sure in the editor if

1686
01:28:08,760 --> 01:28:10,439
Speaker 1: we can put the number at the bottom of the

1687
01:28:10,479 --> 01:28:14,240
Speaker 1: screen for the entire episode. And also Girls for Gender Equity.

1688
01:28:14,280 --> 01:28:17,479
Speaker 1: We worked with Lifetime and Values Partnerships, which is the

1689
01:28:17,560 --> 01:28:19,960
Speaker 1: organization that was doing social engagement for the documary, and

1690
01:28:20,000 --> 01:28:22,720
Speaker 1: we created a tool kit of viewers guide, so they're

1691
01:28:22,760 --> 01:28:25,719
Speaker 1: discussion questions that you cause with your friends with young people.

1692
01:28:26,040 --> 01:28:30,479
Speaker 1: There's you know, information for natural sexual assault, um telephone highline,

1693
01:28:30,479 --> 01:28:34,479
Speaker 1: as well as organizations that work specifically with victims of

1694
01:28:34,560 --> 01:28:37,200
Speaker 1: child sexual assault, ways to get involved with the fight

1695
01:28:37,240 --> 01:28:39,320
Speaker 1: to mut R Kelly. Organizations that are doing this work

1696
01:28:39,320 --> 01:28:42,639
Speaker 1: with black women and girls period. So the resources are there,

1697
01:28:42,800 --> 01:28:47,040
Speaker 1: and there, and I'm excited again. For Horrible Decisions is

1698
01:28:47,080 --> 01:28:49,000
Speaker 1: looking UM to do a lot. As you guys know,

1699
01:28:49,120 --> 01:28:52,639
Speaker 1: last year we UM partnered with Survive to Thrive, which

1700
01:28:52,720 --> 01:28:55,639
Speaker 1: is an organization based out here in New York where

1701
01:28:55,640 --> 01:29:00,800
Speaker 1: they actually help UM domestic domestic violence, the items get

1702
01:29:00,800 --> 01:29:02,720
Speaker 1: back on their feet, so they help with dental care,

1703
01:29:02,760 --> 01:29:05,960
Speaker 1: they help with UM resumes, they help with UM, help

1704
01:29:06,000 --> 01:29:09,320
Speaker 1: finding you jobs, and basically just getting you back into

1705
01:29:09,360 --> 01:29:12,719
Speaker 1: society as a whole UM and not as a battered victim. Also,

1706
01:29:12,960 --> 01:29:16,479
Speaker 1: for our Houston stop for the Horrible Decisions tour, we

1707
01:29:16,520 --> 01:29:20,040
Speaker 1: are partnering with flow Code UM, which is actually a

1708
01:29:20,080 --> 01:29:26,080
Speaker 1: nonprofit organization that helps UM under underdeserved communities UM with

1709
01:29:26,200 --> 01:29:30,600
Speaker 1: helping them get menstrual products UM. So women who like

1710
01:29:30,760 --> 01:29:34,160
Speaker 1: myself may not you know, have been very very keen

1711
01:29:34,200 --> 01:29:36,719
Speaker 1: on letting their parents know that they were under period

1712
01:29:37,080 --> 01:29:39,439
Speaker 1: UM and even just having the products as an adult bitch.

1713
01:29:39,439 --> 01:29:42,559
Speaker 1: Tampons are expensive, UM, and so we're partnering with them

1714
01:29:42,600 --> 01:29:45,320
Speaker 1: for our Houston stop. If you are coming to our

1715
01:29:45,360 --> 01:29:48,559
Speaker 1: show in Houston that will be on April twenty, we

1716
01:29:48,640 --> 01:29:51,560
Speaker 1: will have flow Code in the building, so please bring tampons.

1717
01:29:51,840 --> 01:29:55,360
Speaker 1: Pads um anything that you feel to donate, and they

1718
01:29:55,360 --> 01:29:58,280
Speaker 1: will also be accepting cash donations. If you guys want

1719
01:29:58,320 --> 01:30:00,400
Speaker 1: to know more of the horrible decisions towards side ops,

1720
01:30:00,439 --> 01:30:02,559
Speaker 1: I will put it in the description here. I don't

1721
01:30:02,560 --> 01:30:04,759
Speaker 1: want to plug much more. Do you have anything else

1722
01:30:05,200 --> 01:30:08,559
Speaker 1: going on or anything in the works for twenty nineteen, Um,

1723
01:30:08,720 --> 01:30:11,240
Speaker 1: you guys can continue to check out Getting Growing Jade

1724
01:30:11,280 --> 01:30:13,920
Speaker 1: next day. UM, we have some projects coming up. I

1725
01:30:13,960 --> 01:30:17,479
Speaker 1: have a cooking shut up be coming out. UM, but

1726
01:30:17,680 --> 01:30:20,240
Speaker 1: I just wanted to finalize. You can go look at

1727
01:30:20,280 --> 01:30:22,800
Speaker 1: my social media and that's fine. I want people to

1728
01:30:22,800 --> 01:30:27,520
Speaker 1: get therapy. I think that's okay. This generational this generational

1729
01:30:27,560 --> 01:30:31,720
Speaker 1: issue with sexual conversation and trauma and so forth, Like

1730
01:30:31,760 --> 01:30:33,760
Speaker 1: it goes back so far, and I really want us

1731
01:30:33,800 --> 01:30:35,920
Speaker 1: to start. These hotlines are wonderful, and we need to

1732
01:30:35,920 --> 01:30:37,840
Speaker 1: talk to people, but you need to talk to a therapist,

1733
01:30:38,280 --> 01:30:39,760
Speaker 1: and we need to we need to we need to

1734
01:30:39,760 --> 01:30:42,400
Speaker 1: start addressing these issues so that we can break this

1735
01:30:42,439 --> 01:30:44,439
Speaker 1: cycle somewhere, so we're not passing this on to our

1736
01:30:44,520 --> 01:30:47,479
Speaker 1: nieces and our children and our and our play nieces

1737
01:30:47,479 --> 01:30:49,800
Speaker 1: and whoever. Like, we need to have these hard conversations

1738
01:30:49,800 --> 01:30:51,719
Speaker 1: and we need to start with having them about ourselves.

1739
01:30:52,520 --> 01:30:55,719
Speaker 1: So I like that, So we'll work again twenty nineteen. Um,

1740
01:30:55,880 --> 01:30:59,000
Speaker 1: the conversation will continue to go. Um, this is just

1741
01:30:59,080 --> 01:31:01,200
Speaker 1: the start of it. You did a great job introducing it,

1742
01:31:01,240 --> 01:31:03,760
Speaker 1: because this is definitely all something that needs to be

1743
01:31:03,800 --> 01:31:06,879
Speaker 1: discussed with I think all of our platforms, we definitely

1744
01:31:06,920 --> 01:31:09,679
Speaker 1: are trying to make change. We're starting conversations. You guys

1745
01:31:09,680 --> 01:31:12,120
Speaker 1: are going out and doing the fucking grunt of the work,

1746
01:31:12,479 --> 01:31:15,160
Speaker 1: um with actually being face to face with not only victims,

1747
01:31:15,280 --> 01:31:17,240
Speaker 1: but teaching people. And I appreciate all of you for

1748
01:31:17,360 --> 01:31:20,120
Speaker 1: having for sitting here with me and having this conversation.

1749
01:31:20,200 --> 01:31:22,840
Speaker 1: I will go ahead and we'll tie all of our

1750
01:31:22,880 --> 01:31:24,880
Speaker 1: social media accounts if you guys want to reach out

1751
01:31:24,920 --> 01:31:27,320
Speaker 1: to any of us with d M S UM and

1752
01:31:27,360 --> 01:31:29,800
Speaker 1: again maybe if you have a venue in New York. Again,

1753
01:31:29,840 --> 01:31:32,679
Speaker 1: this is something we definitely want to bring a large

1754
01:31:33,040 --> 01:31:35,800
Speaker 1: volume of people to where we can have this conversation,

1755
01:31:35,960 --> 01:31:38,200
Speaker 1: to where they can go and again we're just we're

1756
01:31:38,200 --> 01:31:40,519
Speaker 1: here to plant the seed. UM. So I want to

1757
01:31:40,520 --> 01:31:42,840
Speaker 1: thank you guys all for joining us. We hope that

1758
01:31:42,880 --> 01:31:45,320
Speaker 1: we stemmed some good conversation and ones that you can

1759
01:31:45,360 --> 01:31:47,479
Speaker 1: take back to your friends. Is there anything else that

1760
01:31:47,520 --> 01:31:49,840
Speaker 1: you guys want to leave off with? Y'all are good,

1761
01:31:50,040 --> 01:31:52,400
Speaker 1: y'all are here, all right, Well, it's been good, it's

1762
01:31:52,400 --> 01:31:54,519
Speaker 1: been great. I hope all of you guys have a

1763
01:31:54,520 --> 01:31:58,360
Speaker 1: wonderful twenty nineteen. And again the conversation starts here. The

1764
01:31:58,400 --> 01:32:01,160
Speaker 1: seeds are planted, and it's up to us to help

1765
01:32:01,240 --> 01:32:04,680
Speaker 1: this thing grow. So bye bye,