1 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:13,280 Speaker 1: Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of You 2 00:00:13,320 --> 00:00:16,080 Speaker 1: Need Therapy. My name is Cat and I'm the host. 3 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:20,080 Speaker 1: Happy Monday, Well, happy Monday, if it is Monday, if 4 00:00:20,079 --> 00:00:22,800 Speaker 1: it's not Monday, happy whatever day it is that you 5 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,239 Speaker 1: are listening to this. Before we get started today, really 6 00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:28,720 Speaker 1: quick one to remind you, guys that although I'm a therapist, 7 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:34,760 Speaker 1: this podcast is not therapy and does not substitute as therapy. However, 8 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:37,040 Speaker 1: it might lead you to therapy, which I'm all for 9 00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:40,479 Speaker 1: because you know, I'm a therapist and I think we 10 00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:42,880 Speaker 1: should all give therapy a shot if we have the means, 11 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,599 Speaker 1: if we have the ability to do that. So now 12 00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:47,720 Speaker 1: that we have that out of the way, we get 13 00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:51,760 Speaker 1: to jump right into today's episode, which is another episode 14 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:55,360 Speaker 1: of of me talking to y'all alone. We're just going 15 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:57,680 Speaker 1: to have some alone time again. Second week in the row. 16 00:00:58,000 --> 00:00:59,680 Speaker 1: I've been wanting to do this episode for a long 17 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:03,600 Speaker 1: time and never really made it a priority. And then 18 00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:05,759 Speaker 1: I was like, if I don't make this a priority, 19 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:08,160 Speaker 1: it don't never happen. So we're doing it. So here 20 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:12,480 Speaker 1: we are. We're talking about breakups and heartbreak and all 21 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:17,080 Speaker 1: of those things. And if you have been a listener 22 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:20,039 Speaker 1: for a while or follow me on Instagram. You may 23 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,760 Speaker 1: have picked up You probably have picked up on the 24 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:28,039 Speaker 1: fact that something that really boils my blood is the 25 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:31,920 Speaker 1: amount of self proclaimed experts that are out in the world, 26 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:36,720 Speaker 1: self proclaiming their opinions as the way in the light 27 00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:40,280 Speaker 1: and the truth to get you what you want out 28 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:42,800 Speaker 1: of life. There are a lot of humans out there 29 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:46,120 Speaker 1: that have created a platform and a business and a 30 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:49,640 Speaker 1: brand and a living off of making you think that 31 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,840 Speaker 1: they know exactly what you need. And then we look 32 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:55,040 Speaker 1: to these people as somewhat like idols and end up 33 00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:57,680 Speaker 1: hanging onto their every word. As much as it may 34 00:01:57,720 --> 00:02:02,040 Speaker 1: seem helpful, I from an sider's perspective, see it becoming 35 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:06,000 Speaker 1: extremely damaging. And I see that just out in the world, 36 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:08,560 Speaker 1: and then I see the remnants of that when people 37 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:11,560 Speaker 1: who have experienced this and are doing this coming to 38 00:02:11,639 --> 00:02:15,480 Speaker 1: my office. Life is not one size fits all, and 39 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:19,040 Speaker 1: speaking as a mental health professional, I, as a mental 40 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:22,520 Speaker 1: health professional, cannot tell you what you need. I can't 41 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:24,560 Speaker 1: tell you what to think what you need to think, 42 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:26,760 Speaker 1: and I can't tell you what to feel or what 43 00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:29,480 Speaker 1: you need to feel, not because I don't know you. 44 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:32,519 Speaker 1: That's part of it if you're listening to this now, 45 00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:35,480 Speaker 1: But because as a mental health professional, I know that 46 00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:40,040 Speaker 1: what people need is the power to understand your own 47 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:44,679 Speaker 1: patterns and our own systems and to have our own introspection. 48 00:02:44,919 --> 00:02:48,080 Speaker 1: And none of y'all humans don't need me dropping truth 49 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:52,079 Speaker 1: bombs and generalized insight until y'all's brains like, that's not 50 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:54,600 Speaker 1: all we need to find healing to get the life 51 00:02:54,639 --> 00:02:57,160 Speaker 1: we want. We need skills to learn how to do that. 52 00:02:57,480 --> 00:02:59,960 Speaker 1: And I could talk about this for days and day, 53 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:01,919 Speaker 1: das and days, but we're not going to do that. 54 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:06,720 Speaker 1: I'm bringing up now because we're talking about healing through 55 00:03:06,919 --> 00:03:09,799 Speaker 1: heartbreak and breakups and all that and why it can 56 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:14,000 Speaker 1: be so freaking hard. And okay, side note, I'm on or. 57 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:17,040 Speaker 1: I'm doing this Instagram experiment right now. You might have 58 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:19,360 Speaker 1: heard of it, um, I might have talked about it before. 59 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:23,400 Speaker 1: I'm doing this experiment where I have unfollowed everybody on 60 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:26,920 Speaker 1: my Instagram page, so people still are following me, but 61 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:30,600 Speaker 1: I follow nobody, And for the next thirty days, the 62 00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:33,040 Speaker 1: only content that I'm going to see on Instagram is 63 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,280 Speaker 1: going to be my own because I am following nobody. 64 00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:38,240 Speaker 1: So the more on this in the weeks to come, 65 00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:40,200 Speaker 1: I'm going to do a whole episode on it after 66 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:43,920 Speaker 1: my experiment is over. And you know, I'm already learning things. 67 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,480 Speaker 1: I'm journaling about it every single day, and it's already 68 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:49,920 Speaker 1: become pretty interesting. However, before I decided to do this, 69 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:52,320 Speaker 1: like probably like the day before I decided to do this, 70 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:57,800 Speaker 1: I saw I caught the video of a very popular 71 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:01,720 Speaker 1: dating coach and he was talking about ghosting, and he 72 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:05,400 Speaker 1: was answering someone's question that they had sent him. And meanwhile, 73 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:07,119 Speaker 1: if you're like, why do you follow this guy? If 74 00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:09,080 Speaker 1: you don't like those kind of people, I don't follow 75 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:11,080 Speaker 1: him and I didn't. I definitely don't follow him now. 76 00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:12,960 Speaker 1: But I wasn't following him. It was like on the 77 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,920 Speaker 1: like suggested page or something, and I had clicked on it. 78 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,159 Speaker 1: I know I shouldn't have clicked on it, but I did. 79 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,000 Speaker 1: And that's beside the point that we're going to move 80 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:22,680 Speaker 1: on from that. However, the issue I have with this 81 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,400 Speaker 1: video that I'm talking about isn't that he was answering 82 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:28,560 Speaker 1: a listener question. Because I myself to a whole episode 83 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:32,520 Speaker 1: on y'all's Questions and Couch Talks on Wednesdays. If you're 84 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:34,240 Speaker 1: if you're new. We do that on Wednesday's Q and A. 85 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:38,400 Speaker 1: And then I also started doing Amy's Amy Brown's Tuesday episode, 86 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:41,760 Speaker 1: where we do the same thing. We answer listener emails 87 00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:44,560 Speaker 1: on her four Things with Amy Brown podcast. We do 88 00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:47,159 Speaker 1: that on Tuesdays and then her regular episode comes out 89 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:50,039 Speaker 1: on Thursdays. So it's not that I'm like, oh, you 90 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:53,320 Speaker 1: shouldn't be answering people's questions. No, I think that's great 91 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:56,880 Speaker 1: and helpful and kind. But if you have been a 92 00:04:56,920 --> 00:05:00,000 Speaker 1: listener to couch Talks, you'll notice that I don't really 93 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:03,000 Speaker 1: tell people what to do. I don't tell them what 94 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:05,840 Speaker 1: to feel. I don't tell them point blanket's right or wrong. 95 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:08,720 Speaker 1: I can give some insight, but what I do is 96 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,480 Speaker 1: I kind of talk about the situations and give factual 97 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:15,880 Speaker 1: information when necessary, give some education when necessary, and then 98 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:19,880 Speaker 1: offer feedback when necessary. And then I usually offer more 99 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:23,000 Speaker 1: questions for that person to think about, so then they 100 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:25,400 Speaker 1: can come up with answers themselves. And we're going to 101 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:27,600 Speaker 1: talk more about that as we go. But I'm never 102 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:29,400 Speaker 1: going to be the kind of person who somebody says 103 00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:31,240 Speaker 1: what do I do and I give them that answer 104 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,880 Speaker 1: straight away. I'm not going to do that for many reasons. 105 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:37,560 Speaker 1: That's what this person did. This person just went straight 106 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:40,400 Speaker 1: on to telling this person exactly what to do and 107 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,719 Speaker 1: how to feel and what to think. That was the 108 00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:47,760 Speaker 1: other really, and I don't completely remember what he said. 109 00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:49,760 Speaker 1: Didn't watch a whole video because I didn't want to 110 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,799 Speaker 1: waste any more of my time, but I quickly became annoyed. 111 00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:55,880 Speaker 1: The question was about ghosting, and his answer in the 112 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:59,239 Speaker 1: beginning beginning he said something like, don't ever give someone 113 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:02,840 Speaker 1: the power to X, and like if it was that easy, 114 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:05,760 Speaker 1: it was that easy, then there would be no question 115 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,640 Speaker 1: in the first place, right, And I get the idea 116 00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:13,000 Speaker 1: behind that part of answering the question, like we don't 117 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,599 Speaker 1: need to give other people power over us, Like that's 118 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:17,520 Speaker 1: not a great thing to do, Like we we should 119 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:20,880 Speaker 1: not give our power freely to other people. I get that, 120 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,920 Speaker 1: And it's not the simple. I talk about this concept 121 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:27,640 Speaker 1: with clients all of the time. However, it usually sounds 122 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,680 Speaker 1: more like a conversation of what beliefs and what feelings 123 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:34,120 Speaker 1: we have inside of us that allow a person that 124 00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:35,800 Speaker 1: is in our life or not in our life, or 125 00:06:35,839 --> 00:06:40,080 Speaker 1: and sometimes in our life to hold onto power over us, 126 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:42,360 Speaker 1: and how we think feel an act rather than just 127 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:44,720 Speaker 1: telling the person stop doing that, don't give them that, 128 00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:47,359 Speaker 1: don't give them that satisfaction. Well, okay, I can't just 129 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:51,040 Speaker 1: stop doing that, and now I feel bad about myself 130 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:52,840 Speaker 1: because it can't stop doing that. And that's the answer. 131 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:57,599 Speaker 1: You see. The questions that are being asked are great questions. 132 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:00,920 Speaker 1: It's how people in power answer them that I don't 133 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:04,560 Speaker 1: just love and telling someone what to do doesn't help 134 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:08,840 Speaker 1: give them agency and understanding over their processes, so then 135 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:12,240 Speaker 1: the person can gain awareness and change what isn't working. 136 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:15,280 Speaker 1: That leaves us needing the person in power, because since 137 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:18,120 Speaker 1: we don't have an understanding and awareness, we are less 138 00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:23,240 Speaker 1: likely to actually create lasting like psychological pattern changes, and 139 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:25,640 Speaker 1: we will need that person's help to get out of 140 00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:27,520 Speaker 1: the next crisis that we have because we will have 141 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:31,360 Speaker 1: another one. So what's happened is we're creating a need 142 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:35,080 Speaker 1: and a power differential between that expert and myself as 143 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:38,080 Speaker 1: they're telling us to stop giving other people power over us. 144 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:43,560 Speaker 1: You know, tricky, tricky, These people are tricky. And if 145 00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:46,000 Speaker 1: we've stopped looking at experts to teach us how to 146 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,720 Speaker 1: date and tell us what to do and answer all 147 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,280 Speaker 1: these questions, I really think life would be much easier. 148 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,960 Speaker 1: But it's addicting. I get it. It's addicting to get answers. 149 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:59,760 Speaker 1: When we create answers to questions, our brains actually received dopamine. 150 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:02,360 Speaker 1: It feels good, even if the answer isn't actually the 151 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:05,600 Speaker 1: right answer. If we think, or we tell ourselves that 152 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:08,520 Speaker 1: we figured something out, we get a shot of dopamine. 153 00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:11,080 Speaker 1: An initial one might not last very long, but it 154 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:14,520 Speaker 1: does feel good in that second. I believe there's power 155 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:18,000 Speaker 1: in helping people answer questions themselves. And again, the questions 156 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:21,560 Speaker 1: aren't wrong, it's who we think has the answer. We're 157 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:24,680 Speaker 1: asking the right questions to the wrong people. Essentially. Now, 158 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:26,600 Speaker 1: before we get into the real juice of what I 159 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,880 Speaker 1: want to talk about today, I want to and after 160 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:31,320 Speaker 1: I stopped going on that rant, I want to make 161 00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:33,880 Speaker 1: it very clear that I personally don't buy any means 162 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:36,600 Speaker 1: consider myself a dating expert. I would never call myself 163 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:41,800 Speaker 1: that never. I study relationships and I study the human condition. 164 00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:44,920 Speaker 1: I study attachment and human behavior. But I'm not a 165 00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:47,560 Speaker 1: dating expert. Does that give me some insight on dating 166 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:50,840 Speaker 1: and relationships? Sure, but I'm not here to coach anyone 167 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,160 Speaker 1: on how to date and tell anyone what to do. 168 00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:55,880 Speaker 1: I'm here to offer some insight that might make it 169 00:08:55,920 --> 00:09:00,000 Speaker 1: easier for you to understand yourself, so you can essentially 170 00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:02,760 Speaker 1: coach yourself. The other thing. As much as I love 171 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:06,280 Speaker 1: a good entertaining dating podcast, I don't know that this 172 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:09,840 Speaker 1: episode is that, because we're gonna talk about dating, but 173 00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:12,319 Speaker 1: we're going to talk about the ick part of it. 174 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:14,560 Speaker 1: I want to spend some time honoring one of the 175 00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:17,840 Speaker 1: hardest parts of dating, and that's the breakup, that's heartbreak. 176 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:21,120 Speaker 1: I continue to make this podcast in hopes that I 177 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:23,760 Speaker 1: encourage the people who listen to it to dig into 178 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:27,439 Speaker 1: their stuff and have more conversations with themselves, their higher power, 179 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:31,640 Speaker 1: other people, so then we can facilitate more connection and 180 00:09:31,679 --> 00:09:35,800 Speaker 1: just plain satisfaction with life and ourselves. And this is 181 00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:38,440 Speaker 1: one of those conversations that I want to encourage more 182 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:42,440 Speaker 1: people to dig into and have because I think a 183 00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:45,640 Speaker 1: lot of times when we're going through heartbreaker a breakup, 184 00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:50,600 Speaker 1: it feels very lonely and isolating and we're the only 185 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:53,400 Speaker 1: ones with those feelings, and that's just not true. And again, 186 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:55,680 Speaker 1: I can't give you answers on exactly what to do 187 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:58,840 Speaker 1: with your own heartbreak or exactly the roadmap or any 188 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:00,880 Speaker 1: of that. What I can do has helped start a 189 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:03,640 Speaker 1: conversation that might lead you to identify kind of what 190 00:10:03,679 --> 00:10:06,040 Speaker 1: you need for yourself, and you can pick and choose 191 00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:08,319 Speaker 1: what you want to want to keep from this conversation 192 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:11,280 Speaker 1: and what you want to focus on. And maybe part 193 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,920 Speaker 1: of the healing and maybe the part of all of 194 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,800 Speaker 1: that is just you hearing something that you can relate to. 195 00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:20,600 Speaker 1: And what I'm going to say today speaking of relating 196 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:26,359 Speaker 1: to something I cannot relate to myself, is someone who 197 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:29,760 Speaker 1: seems to have everything figured out and knows what to 198 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:33,640 Speaker 1: do all the time and just simply always chooses to 199 00:10:33,679 --> 00:10:36,880 Speaker 1: do those right things. Just so you guys know, Yes, 200 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,480 Speaker 1: I am a therapist. Yes I have lots of insight, 201 00:10:39,679 --> 00:10:43,640 Speaker 1: Yes I have lots of information. Yes I practice most 202 00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:47,320 Speaker 1: everything that I preach. However, I'm also a human and 203 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:49,920 Speaker 1: I don't have it all figured out, and I don't 204 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:52,880 Speaker 1: always make the right choice at the right time. So 205 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,320 Speaker 1: this is not me. This person who has it all 206 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,680 Speaker 1: figured out not me. I also don't hang out with 207 00:10:57,679 --> 00:11:01,120 Speaker 1: those people. I don't know those people for personally, and 208 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:04,559 Speaker 1: I'm turned off by them, and not because I'm jealous. 209 00:11:04,559 --> 00:11:07,720 Speaker 1: Of them. It's because I can't grab onto the idea 210 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:10,160 Speaker 1: that those people are real. I don't think that's being human, 211 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:13,800 Speaker 1: and I don't think that someone who always has it 212 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:17,040 Speaker 1: together all the time and who looks perfect, who's always 213 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:19,080 Speaker 1: making the right choice and always knows what to do, 214 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,640 Speaker 1: I don't know that those people really have the capacity 215 00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:26,360 Speaker 1: for true intimate connection because true intimate connection involves some 216 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:29,880 Speaker 1: of the mess up. It involves messiness, and involves risk, 217 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:34,440 Speaker 1: and evolves uncertainty, It involves fear, it involves all of that. 218 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,679 Speaker 1: So if you're still listening at this point, I would 219 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:45,880 Speaker 1: go ahead and bet that you have or maybe you're 220 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:49,920 Speaker 1: currently going through some heartache yourself. So I want to say, 221 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:54,640 Speaker 1: first off, I am in that. I have felt that too, 222 00:11:54,679 --> 00:11:57,080 Speaker 1: and I want you to know that I'm not coming 223 00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:01,199 Speaker 1: at you, and I'm not coming to you as someone 224 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:05,880 Speaker 1: who is not involved in this, someone who is almost 225 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:09,480 Speaker 1: like I don't know. I feel like sometimes experts or 226 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:13,200 Speaker 1: professionals in this field they feel like like another. But 227 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:15,320 Speaker 1: I am with you, and I hope that makes sense. 228 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:16,840 Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm explaining that the way I 229 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:19,160 Speaker 1: want to explain it, but that's what we have right now. 230 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:22,320 Speaker 1: And what I want to say before we get into 231 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:24,680 Speaker 1: any of this, if you are going through this now, 232 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:26,560 Speaker 1: you just went through it, or even if you just 233 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:30,160 Speaker 1: ever have gone through heartbreak, which is probably literally everybody, 234 00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:34,840 Speaker 1: I'm sorry. This is really one of my my personal 235 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:38,880 Speaker 1: least favorite experiences that I've ever had. It's a blood 236 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:41,360 Speaker 1: bath for me. It is something that has brought me 237 00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:44,280 Speaker 1: back and kept me in therapy for years time and 238 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:46,720 Speaker 1: time again, and it just is one of the most 239 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:50,440 Speaker 1: painful and hurtful, ikey things that I wish I could 240 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:53,880 Speaker 1: avoid at all costs, that I can't avoid. To be honest, 241 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:56,600 Speaker 1: the only people would ever wish this upon this feeling 242 00:12:56,679 --> 00:12:59,920 Speaker 1: of heartbreak would be the people that broke my heart. 243 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:03,920 Speaker 1: And not because I want them to hurt out of spite, No, 244 00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:06,160 Speaker 1: I don't have I don't want my worst enemy to 245 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:09,040 Speaker 1: feel this, not because I want her out of spite. 246 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,160 Speaker 1: It's because, like there's a part of me that wants 247 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:13,280 Speaker 1: them to hurt, so then they would change their mind 248 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:15,200 Speaker 1: and they would take my pain away because they would 249 00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:19,760 Speaker 1: come back. And honestly, in hindsight, very glad and thanking 250 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:22,200 Speaker 1: God that that never happened with any of the people 251 00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:25,840 Speaker 1: of my past so far um when I wanted to happen. Because, 252 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:29,760 Speaker 1: as we'll talk, time changes things, and I have found 253 00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:33,440 Speaker 1: much much gratitude for not being in those relationships that 254 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,559 Speaker 1: I thought were like my everything. So one of the 255 00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:39,240 Speaker 1: questions that I want to talk about is why does 256 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:41,720 Speaker 1: it suck so bad? Like why does this experience suck 257 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:45,439 Speaker 1: so bad? And why isn't there like a clear solution 258 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,840 Speaker 1: and why isn't there a way to like get out 259 00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:51,240 Speaker 1: of this? And why can't I just not give that 260 00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:55,600 Speaker 1: person any more power? And why can't I hold onto 261 00:13:55,679 --> 00:13:57,800 Speaker 1: that thing that people say when they're like, if they 262 00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:00,400 Speaker 1: don't see your worth, you don't want to be with them. 263 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:05,760 Speaker 1: Oh my god, when our hearts are broken. That sentence 264 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:12,440 Speaker 1: that I just said is so so, so so freaking annoying. Yes, 265 00:14:12,679 --> 00:14:15,800 Speaker 1: we know, I know, we all know we want someone 266 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:17,640 Speaker 1: to see our worth, like that's the kind of person 267 00:14:17,679 --> 00:14:20,160 Speaker 1: we want to be with. But that's not helpful because 268 00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:23,800 Speaker 1: that's not why I'm sad. I'm sad because I want 269 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:27,280 Speaker 1: this person to see my worth. I know I want 270 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:30,320 Speaker 1: someone to see it, but I want this person to 271 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:33,040 Speaker 1: be that person. So I'm giving an eye roll to 272 00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:35,960 Speaker 1: that sentence, and I've probably said it to somebody, and 273 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:37,600 Speaker 1: people have said it to me, and I'm probably gonna 274 00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:40,600 Speaker 1: say it again because it's a thing we've been programmed 275 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:44,520 Speaker 1: to say. It's not helpful. It's really not helpful, But like, 276 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:46,960 Speaker 1: why why can't that be helpful? Why can't we just 277 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:48,720 Speaker 1: be Oh, you're right, I don't like him anymore because 278 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:51,120 Speaker 1: heason like me. Well, one of the things is we 279 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:54,280 Speaker 1: were literally created to be in relationship. We were created 280 00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:57,400 Speaker 1: too long for people. We were created to desire deep 281 00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:01,280 Speaker 1: connection and intimacy. It's one of the strongest and sweetest 282 00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:05,120 Speaker 1: and most like satisfying experiences. There's like nothing else like 283 00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:07,720 Speaker 1: it is in our DNA to want this, and so 284 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,840 Speaker 1: it sucks when we have it, and then it gets 285 00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:12,640 Speaker 1: ripped out from us, and then we don't have it anymore. 286 00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:14,440 Speaker 1: It's gone, and we don't know when we're going to 287 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:16,680 Speaker 1: get it back, and we're not in control of how 288 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,360 Speaker 1: to get it back because we can't just snap our 289 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:22,320 Speaker 1: fingers and like fall in love. Now, those who are 290 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:25,400 Speaker 1: able to actually live into this, like those who are 291 00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:29,320 Speaker 1: capable of feeling vulnerable in order to experience this type 292 00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:31,200 Speaker 1: of connection that I'm talking about, that we were designed 293 00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:34,520 Speaker 1: for those people are what I would call the most 294 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:38,840 Speaker 1: courageous people because as they're allowing the ability for one thing, 295 00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:41,920 Speaker 1: which is this great experience that we are designed to have, 296 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:45,000 Speaker 1: As we're allowing that ability to come in, we're also 297 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:48,200 Speaker 1: at the same time welcoming the most feared and avoided 298 00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:52,440 Speaker 1: experience of the human condition, and that is rejection and abandonment. 299 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:56,400 Speaker 1: The nobody likes that. We don't like it, like, that's 300 00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:59,920 Speaker 1: the worst, It's just the worst. The lengths that people 301 00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:05,880 Speaker 1: will go to avoid feeling rejected and abandoned our wild y'all, wild, wild, wild, wild, 302 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:08,520 Speaker 1: And we're not going to talk about that really, but 303 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:11,720 Speaker 1: there are people who would rather jump out of planes 304 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:15,800 Speaker 1: or off cliffs and will happily do crazy shit that 305 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:19,080 Speaker 1: risk their lives. But ask them to risk feeling rejected 306 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:21,440 Speaker 1: by someone that they love, They're like, nope, gone by, 307 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,240 Speaker 1: I gotta go. I'm gonna go avoid that by jumping 308 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:27,320 Speaker 1: out of a plane with a parachute. But the things 309 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:31,200 Speaker 1: that we do to avoid that, like, they are indescribable. 310 00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:34,680 Speaker 1: They are wild. The time, the energy, the systems we 311 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:38,960 Speaker 1: create inside of our bodies to avoid feeling rejected and abandoned. 312 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:43,880 Speaker 1: It's a lot and why because heartbreak is that painful 313 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:47,880 Speaker 1: feeling rejected, feeling abandoned, feeling all that is one of 314 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:51,520 Speaker 1: the most painful experiences. So one of the best experiences, 315 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:56,400 Speaker 1: one of the most sought after, delicious experiences that we 316 00:16:56,440 --> 00:17:00,680 Speaker 1: can have, comes with the risk of one of very 317 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:04,600 Speaker 1: worst experiences. And that is annoying to me. And at 318 00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:09,439 Speaker 1: the same time, we can't change it. Now. Breakups suck 319 00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:11,600 Speaker 1: way more And this is kind of the point that 320 00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:14,000 Speaker 1: I want to make throughout this, but like, they suck 321 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:17,080 Speaker 1: way more than we really give them credit. And just 322 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:20,840 Speaker 1: a fact that for young adults they're one of the 323 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:24,639 Speaker 1: most common risk factors for clinical depression. Like, breakups aren't 324 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:28,320 Speaker 1: just like, oh they're sad, like they change us. And 325 00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:32,080 Speaker 1: I think we tend to almost dumb this experience down, like, oh, 326 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,000 Speaker 1: they'll get over they just broke up with their boyfriend, 327 00:17:34,119 --> 00:17:36,159 Speaker 1: Like she's just sad they just broke up with their 328 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:40,160 Speaker 1: girlfriend or whatever. And the vast majority of us eventually 329 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:44,400 Speaker 1: will heal from this experience. We will, but before that happens, 330 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:47,400 Speaker 1: there is a whole experience of suck. And this kind 331 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:50,080 Speaker 1: of reminds me of like how we write like breakups off. 332 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,639 Speaker 1: It's not a big deal. Like sometimes with addiction, we 333 00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:55,080 Speaker 1: can write that off too, and it's like, why can't 334 00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:57,120 Speaker 1: they just stop drinking, Like why can't they just stop 335 00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,280 Speaker 1: being sad? Or they should just be able to move on. 336 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:00,679 Speaker 1: It's not the big of a deal you or they 337 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:03,400 Speaker 1: should just be able to not do that drug. Its 338 00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:05,920 Speaker 1: shouldn't be that big of a deal. They're fine, like 339 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:10,159 Speaker 1: all we say things like that, but just like addiction 340 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:12,720 Speaker 1: is not that easy and not that simple. I have 341 00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:14,680 Speaker 1: a whole episode on that if you want to listen 342 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,040 Speaker 1: to it. It's how people respond to a broken world. 343 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:21,800 Speaker 1: But breakups have to do more with just the experience 344 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:25,000 Speaker 1: of like two people not being in a relationship anymore. 345 00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:28,880 Speaker 1: For example, when you're falling in love for the first time, 346 00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:32,000 Speaker 1: there's something new happening in your brain. You're getting a 347 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:35,200 Speaker 1: dopamine spike, like you're you actually are, like you're getting 348 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,280 Speaker 1: all this feel good stuff in your brain when you 349 00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:41,080 Speaker 1: start to develop romantic feelings, And it can honestly be 350 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:44,680 Speaker 1: compared to like the first time taking a drug and 351 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,600 Speaker 1: you get this like high that you keep wanting, and 352 00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:49,399 Speaker 1: you keep wanting to chase it, and you keep chasing 353 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,520 Speaker 1: after and you you want that experience because it felt 354 00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:54,600 Speaker 1: so good, you want more of it. Why wouldn't you 355 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,520 Speaker 1: want more of something that is like the best thing 356 00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:59,560 Speaker 1: you've ever felt, right, if that makes sense. And sometimes 357 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:03,120 Speaker 1: when we're in like these stages of the relationship, when 358 00:19:03,119 --> 00:19:05,199 Speaker 1: we're like, oh, I just wanted to go back to 359 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,240 Speaker 1: where it was at the beginning, and and you're in 360 00:19:07,359 --> 00:19:09,199 Speaker 1: the ending of a relationship and you know that it's 361 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:11,280 Speaker 1: not great anymore, and you're like, why can't I stop 362 00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:14,520 Speaker 1: going back to this beginning Because that beginning felt so good. 363 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:16,720 Speaker 1: You can't forget about how good that felt, and you 364 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,200 Speaker 1: want to find a way to feel that again. Much 365 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:21,600 Speaker 1: like somebody who's struggling with addiction. It's like, I want 366 00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:23,520 Speaker 1: to go back to that first time I got high. 367 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:26,359 Speaker 1: I don't like this feeling that I have now where 368 00:19:26,359 --> 00:19:28,480 Speaker 1: I'm like sick if I'm not using, but I want 369 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,800 Speaker 1: to go back to that time where it felt so good. 370 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:35,720 Speaker 1: I'm chasing that first high. That experience of falling in 371 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:38,520 Speaker 1: love or falling for someone, it leaves an effect on 372 00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:42,439 Speaker 1: your brain, and that effects sticks around. Breakups create an 373 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:46,920 Speaker 1: emotionally painful experience. Yes, that experience also has to do 374 00:19:47,359 --> 00:19:51,520 Speaker 1: with the psychological effects that your brain has as you 375 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:55,440 Speaker 1: create relationship and move through a relationship, and that actually 376 00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:59,600 Speaker 1: transcends into how our physical body feels. It's not just emotional, 377 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:07,160 Speaker 1: You're not just sad. Your whole body, all of it biological, emotional, physical, psychological, 378 00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:12,399 Speaker 1: it's all being affected aside from feeling. One of the 379 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:18,439 Speaker 1: most avoided experiences, rejection, abandonment, breakups take a toll on 380 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:22,240 Speaker 1: us in many, many ways. Okay, so the obvious loss, 381 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:24,720 Speaker 1: you have a loss of normalcy. You have a loss 382 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:30,480 Speaker 1: of predictable, consistent intimacy, which is can be physical and emotional. Um, 383 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,840 Speaker 1: you have a loss of a companion, a loss of 384 00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,880 Speaker 1: ideas and a future plans and stories in your head, 385 00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:40,280 Speaker 1: loss of different friend groups and all of that which 386 00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:43,159 Speaker 1: goes into the normalcy. There's a lot of loss in that. 387 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:48,119 Speaker 1: So there's there's that, Then there's this unraveling of the future, 388 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:53,200 Speaker 1: future plans, ideas, hopes, and when we're in longer term 389 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:57,240 Speaker 1: or serious relationships, when those end, we literally have to 390 00:20:57,520 --> 00:21:00,280 Speaker 1: relearn how to live our lives. And things can change 391 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:02,600 Speaker 1: the matter of a day, and that's like a lot 392 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:06,440 Speaker 1: to comprehend. So as things change in like a day, 393 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:08,400 Speaker 1: like you're together one day and the next day you're 394 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:12,879 Speaker 1: not together anymore. There's also this unraveling of what was 395 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:16,080 Speaker 1: being built or created the relationship. There's this unraveling of 396 00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:19,280 Speaker 1: this created relationship and what do I mean by that? Well, 397 00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:23,480 Speaker 1: think about how a relationship is created and started. There's 398 00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:27,359 Speaker 1: the fun and exciting, maybe butterfly inducing at some points, 399 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:30,840 Speaker 1: like moments where you're building this bond and you create 400 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:33,600 Speaker 1: routines and you share parts of yourself with the other person, 401 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:38,080 Speaker 1: and and maybe your own habits change, or your own 402 00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:40,840 Speaker 1: ideas and thoughts and opinions start to expand, and you 403 00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:44,080 Speaker 1: develop and you grow together. Then you break up, and 404 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:47,000 Speaker 1: there's this part that starts to wonder, do I even 405 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:50,560 Speaker 1: like the Packers? Or is that just my boyfriend's favorite team? 406 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:53,720 Speaker 1: I lost this companionship, but also now I have lost 407 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:57,800 Speaker 1: this Saturday afternoon routine watching football. Do I hate football now? 408 00:21:57,880 --> 00:21:59,879 Speaker 1: Or do I like football? Do I like this team? Like? 409 00:22:00,359 --> 00:22:03,160 Speaker 1: How do I unravel from that? Or? Who knows? Maybe 410 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:06,520 Speaker 1: your girlfriend got you into CrossFit and post breakup, you 411 00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:09,399 Speaker 1: can't walk into the gym without trying into a puddle 412 00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:12,760 Speaker 1: of tears. And again you wonder, is this something that 413 00:22:13,119 --> 00:22:15,560 Speaker 1: is a part of me? Or am I losing this too? 414 00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:18,040 Speaker 1: Do I even like to work out? Or did I 415 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:21,280 Speaker 1: just like doing things with my partner? And you can 416 00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:25,080 Speaker 1: attach that to anything, right, like TV shows, movies, anything. 417 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:28,840 Speaker 1: And most recently, I'm giving you a low key example 418 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:31,520 Speaker 1: because this wasn't super serious, but it does make sense 419 00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:40,440 Speaker 1: in this context. Most recently, I was dating somebody who 420 00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:44,600 Speaker 1: was very perplexed by the idea that I had never 421 00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:47,800 Speaker 1: seen a Harry Potter movie. And well, like three of 422 00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:51,600 Speaker 1: our like eight or nine dates that we had, we're 423 00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:54,919 Speaker 1: spent watching a couple of the Harry Potter movies. And 424 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:58,000 Speaker 1: at one point I admitted to myself and him that 425 00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:00,680 Speaker 1: I was enjoying them. And I was, and I'm going 426 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:05,600 Speaker 1: to Disney World or Disney World in um January, and 427 00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:08,679 Speaker 1: I I'm planning to go with my nieces and my 428 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:11,119 Speaker 1: brother and sister in law, my mom. I'm very excited 429 00:23:11,119 --> 00:23:14,920 Speaker 1: about it. But anyways, I remembered even thinking, like, man, 430 00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:17,240 Speaker 1: maybe like one day I'll go to Harry Potter World, 431 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:19,600 Speaker 1: which I think that's not in Disney World. It's in 432 00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:21,840 Speaker 1: Universal I think. But I was like thinking, well, I 433 00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:23,920 Speaker 1: can make that work, Like that would be really fun 434 00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:26,240 Speaker 1: because that's going to make sense to me now. And 435 00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:28,480 Speaker 1: the last time I went, I had never seen the movies, 436 00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:30,679 Speaker 1: so I just thought everything was weird and I was 437 00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:33,320 Speaker 1: excited about that. Part of me was well one. Once 438 00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:36,280 Speaker 1: this dating experience ended and we went our separate ways, 439 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:39,080 Speaker 1: I literally had the thought like, do I not get 440 00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:41,960 Speaker 1: to finish the rest of those movies? Did I really 441 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:45,040 Speaker 1: like those movies? Or did I like the experience of 442 00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:48,480 Speaker 1: watching them with him? And this is again a very 443 00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:52,440 Speaker 1: low key stakes example, because my heart wasn't like crumbling 444 00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:55,880 Speaker 1: to pieces after this ended, But this kind of explains 445 00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:59,600 Speaker 1: what I mean. And also if you're wondering, yes I will, 446 00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:02,119 Speaker 1: I have decided I will watch the rest of the movies, 447 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:06,080 Speaker 1: but I'm much less in a rush to do that. 448 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:08,040 Speaker 1: I'll watch them like when I feel like it, which 449 00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:10,600 Speaker 1: will probably take me years to be honest. But I 450 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:12,959 Speaker 1: had to unravel my desire to watch these movies from 451 00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:16,000 Speaker 1: my desire to spend time and please this guy before 452 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:21,120 Speaker 1: making that decision. And healing from a breakup includes taking 453 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:24,200 Speaker 1: back parts of our life from the relationship, and it's 454 00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:27,240 Speaker 1: a process. It's not a one and done decision. It's 455 00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:30,439 Speaker 1: not a like, decide this now, It's not a figure 456 00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:34,800 Speaker 1: it out. It's an introspective process. It takes time to 457 00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:40,600 Speaker 1: figure out, really who am I outside of having this relationship? 458 00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:44,920 Speaker 1: What changes about me? The unraveling of a relationship is disorienting, 459 00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:48,159 Speaker 1: it's confusing, and that's one of the reasons you'll hear people, 460 00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,919 Speaker 1: or maybe you've heard yourself say this, I don't know 461 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:54,119 Speaker 1: who I am without him, her, them, without this person. 462 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:57,960 Speaker 1: I don't know who I am anymore because there's parts 463 00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:00,760 Speaker 1: of us that have combined the relationship with us. And 464 00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:02,800 Speaker 1: I don't think that's a good or bad thing. It's 465 00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:05,720 Speaker 1: just a hard thing to move through when, when and 466 00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:09,720 Speaker 1: if that relationship ends. As we build relationships, we're also 467 00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:12,440 Speaker 1: growing as individuals and it's hard to separate the two things. 468 00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:15,200 Speaker 1: And we get to take some of that growth with us, 469 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:17,080 Speaker 1: like it doesn't all have to stay in the relationship, 470 00:25:17,359 --> 00:25:19,600 Speaker 1: but also that's hard because it reminds us of that thing, 471 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:21,240 Speaker 1: and we don't want to be reminded of that thing 472 00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:24,200 Speaker 1: when we're feeling heartbreak, So then we want to push 473 00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:25,760 Speaker 1: all that stuff away with Then we're like, but we 474 00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:28,520 Speaker 1: want that, Like I don't want to like Harry Potter, 475 00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:30,840 Speaker 1: but like I want to watch it like that kind 476 00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:33,439 Speaker 1: of I mean again low stakes example, but you know 477 00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:36,240 Speaker 1: what I mean. Also, I think that it's important to 478 00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:40,480 Speaker 1: talk about the physiological effects of breakups, Like our partners 479 00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:44,159 Speaker 1: become like regulators for us. And even if the regulation 480 00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:47,320 Speaker 1: isn't like the good kind of regulation, maybe the relationship 481 00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:50,320 Speaker 1: is very chaotic. We get used to it, and our 482 00:25:50,359 --> 00:25:54,520 Speaker 1: bodies adjust and our bodies adapt and their presence becomes 483 00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:58,399 Speaker 1: our normal. Adults going through breakups show, actually, this is 484 00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:01,439 Speaker 1: so interesting. Adults going through breakups show many of the 485 00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:05,680 Speaker 1: same signs of physical disregulation that babies do when they're 486 00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:09,359 Speaker 1: separated from caregivers. So this would be stuff like agitation, 487 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:14,080 Speaker 1: like physical agitation disruption, and our sleep patterns, like our 488 00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:17,399 Speaker 1: appetite being messed up and off, and I mean stuff 489 00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:20,359 Speaker 1: like that. It's not just something we get over in 490 00:26:20,359 --> 00:26:23,280 Speaker 1: our heads. We are having to relearn how to regulate 491 00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:26,639 Speaker 1: our bodies too. And we're not just losing sleep because 492 00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:29,000 Speaker 1: we're thinking about our x and our future and we're 493 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:32,120 Speaker 1: replaying stories and all of that. That's not why, Because 494 00:26:32,119 --> 00:26:34,520 Speaker 1: I know when we go through breakups, we're not sleeping well. 495 00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:36,760 Speaker 1: And then when we're not sleeping well, how does that 496 00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:39,280 Speaker 1: affect the rest of our functioning. But it's not just 497 00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:43,880 Speaker 1: because we are having anxiety and thinking about the relationship 498 00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:46,080 Speaker 1: and what we could have done differently and all of that. 499 00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:50,720 Speaker 1: We're also having trouble sleeping because our internal regulatory system 500 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,719 Speaker 1: has to readjust without this person in our life all 501 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:56,879 Speaker 1: the time. Like think about if like maybe you're married, 502 00:26:56,920 --> 00:26:59,520 Speaker 1: maybe you're not married, Like maybe you're just started sleeping 503 00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:02,239 Speaker 1: in the bed with your partner for however long your 504 00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:04,280 Speaker 1: body gets used to that. What if you do that 505 00:27:04,359 --> 00:27:06,760 Speaker 1: for like five ten years and then you stop, your 506 00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:10,399 Speaker 1: body has gotten used to that, that feeling, the comfort, 507 00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:15,320 Speaker 1: the soothingness, like sleeping pattern, sounds, temperature, and you have 508 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:18,639 Speaker 1: to unravel that. So my point in all of this 509 00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:23,720 Speaker 1: is that breakups are hard, not just because we miss somebody, 510 00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:27,280 Speaker 1: not just because the story we created, yes that's part 511 00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:29,879 Speaker 1: of it. Not just because we're losing a future, not 512 00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:34,040 Speaker 1: just because we're losing friend groups, or not just because 513 00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:36,240 Speaker 1: we're sad, and not just because our feelings are hurt, 514 00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:39,440 Speaker 1: not just because we feel rejected. Breakups are hard because 515 00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:43,120 Speaker 1: this affects every part of our being, And breakups are 516 00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:47,600 Speaker 1: hard because we're losing one of the most sought after 517 00:27:48,359 --> 00:27:53,399 Speaker 1: experiences feelings and things in the world, and there is 518 00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:57,840 Speaker 1: not a surefire system way to get it back and 519 00:27:57,920 --> 00:28:01,040 Speaker 1: know when we might have that again. So then we're 520 00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:05,719 Speaker 1: sitting in this pain, and then we're also sitting with uncertainty, 521 00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:11,280 Speaker 1: which is something that humans don't necessarily love. Now, I 522 00:28:11,359 --> 00:28:13,800 Speaker 1: don't want to just throw all this out you and 523 00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:17,560 Speaker 1: tell you how hard it is without giving you some 524 00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:21,399 Speaker 1: kind of hope or things to think about and maybe 525 00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:24,520 Speaker 1: things that you might be able to do again. I'm 526 00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:27,239 Speaker 1: not telling you how to heal, I'm not telling you 527 00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:30,480 Speaker 1: exactly what you need, but I want to offer some 528 00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:33,159 Speaker 1: thoughts and some things that might be helpful for you 529 00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:37,720 Speaker 1: to do and process now through a breakup feeling we 530 00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:40,000 Speaker 1: don't like the feelings that we're having, right, we don't 531 00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:41,760 Speaker 1: like pain, we don't like feelings sad, we don't like 532 00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:46,160 Speaker 1: all that. Okay, well, you know my stance on this. 533 00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:49,840 Speaker 1: Like feel your feelings. It's pretty important to acknowledge where 534 00:28:49,880 --> 00:28:52,400 Speaker 1: you are and how you feel. And this is important 535 00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:54,680 Speaker 1: because we can't just make those feelings go away by 536 00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:57,000 Speaker 1: ignoring them. They're just going to go somewhere else. Like 537 00:28:57,560 --> 00:29:00,000 Speaker 1: pretending like you don't have feelings is not a sot 538 00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:03,240 Speaker 1: ocean to your feelings like they're still there and if, 539 00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:08,080 Speaker 1: if anything, the numbing processes that we actually go through, 540 00:29:08,400 --> 00:29:11,720 Speaker 1: those are the things that are actually dangerous. So your 541 00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:14,239 Speaker 1: feelings are not going to kill you. They're not going 542 00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:16,320 Speaker 1: to hurt you like they might hurt, but they are 543 00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:20,200 Speaker 1: not going to actually damage you. However, the things that 544 00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:23,720 Speaker 1: you do to try to avoid your feelings, those will 545 00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:26,320 Speaker 1: those might Those will damage you, Those can hurt you, 546 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:29,800 Speaker 1: those could kill you. In that, I want to remind you, 547 00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:32,440 Speaker 1: guys that your feelings are valid, Like any feeling you 548 00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:34,440 Speaker 1: have is valid. I don't care how long it takes 549 00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:36,240 Speaker 1: you to move through this, I don't care how long 550 00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:39,320 Speaker 1: you're sad. You're feeling of being sad is always valid. 551 00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:41,760 Speaker 1: But what we have to separate is the idea of 552 00:29:41,760 --> 00:29:44,840 Speaker 1: our our feelings and then like what facts are Like, 553 00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:47,680 Speaker 1: feelings and facts are not the same thing. Also, don't 554 00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:50,560 Speaker 1: confuse feelings with thoughts. A lot of times I'll ask 555 00:29:50,600 --> 00:29:53,920 Speaker 1: somebody like I'll say what are you feeling? Obviously I 556 00:29:53,960 --> 00:29:57,080 Speaker 1: say that because with therapist, but I'll say, like, well, 557 00:29:57,120 --> 00:29:58,880 Speaker 1: what are you feeling like? What feelings are coming up? 558 00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:03,200 Speaker 1: And the response I'll get is, well, I feel like blank, 559 00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:06,640 Speaker 1: and I don't care what comes after that. That's a 560 00:30:06,680 --> 00:30:09,600 Speaker 1: thought I feel like leads to a thought. I feel 561 00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:13,000 Speaker 1: like this, I feel like that, I feel sad, I 562 00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:15,720 Speaker 1: feel hurt, I feel angry, I feel whatever it is, 563 00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:18,479 Speaker 1: I feel fear. Those are feelings I feel like as 564 00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:22,160 Speaker 1: a thought. So don't confuse your feelings and your emotions 565 00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:26,120 Speaker 1: with thoughts, and remember thoughts aren't always facts either. Often 566 00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:28,480 Speaker 1: their stories. And a lot of the reason that we 567 00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:31,440 Speaker 1: struggle moving on from heartbreak is, like I said, the 568 00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:34,120 Speaker 1: stories that we create and we make up, the stories 569 00:30:34,160 --> 00:30:35,920 Speaker 1: that we make up about never being able to find 570 00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:40,080 Speaker 1: somebody or something like you had before. And I know, 571 00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:42,120 Speaker 1: when you're in it, this can feel so true, like 572 00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:44,560 Speaker 1: I'm never going to find something like this again. But 573 00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:47,160 Speaker 1: feeling like you're never going to find something like this 574 00:30:47,240 --> 00:30:51,080 Speaker 1: again is not factual information. That's a fear. That's a 575 00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:54,240 Speaker 1: fear of yours, fears of feeling though. So I want 576 00:30:54,240 --> 00:30:56,720 Speaker 1: to encourage you, guys, to allow yourself to have feelings 577 00:30:56,800 --> 00:31:00,600 Speaker 1: and allow yourself to move through them, because ours are 578 00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:02,800 Speaker 1: also guides and they're going to lead us to what 579 00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:05,480 Speaker 1: we need, and if we ignore them, we aren't going 580 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:07,240 Speaker 1: to get what we need. Think of them as like 581 00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:10,520 Speaker 1: lights on a dashboard. Right, So if your car, if 582 00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:13,840 Speaker 1: a light shines, light pops up on your dashboard, maybe 583 00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:17,680 Speaker 1: it's your oil change light. Okay, Ignoring that light isn't 584 00:31:17,680 --> 00:31:21,600 Speaker 1: going to make your oil change not necessary, Like that's 585 00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:25,360 Speaker 1: not how that works in that light. Yeah, it's really annoying. 586 00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:27,560 Speaker 1: Like it's really annoying when that light comes on, because 587 00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:28,800 Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I have to go to the place 588 00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:30,040 Speaker 1: and I have to sit in the room and I 589 00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:33,240 Speaker 1: have to pay the money and do the thing. That's annoying. 590 00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:37,080 Speaker 1: It's inconvenient. I don't like it. However, if I ignore it, 591 00:31:37,480 --> 00:31:39,400 Speaker 1: then I'm going to end up with my well, this 592 00:31:39,520 --> 00:31:43,720 Speaker 1: happened to be, oh, has happened to be a couple 593 00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:46,160 Speaker 1: of years ago. If you ignore it, you're just going 594 00:31:46,200 --> 00:31:48,000 Speaker 1: to end up your car breaking down in the middle 595 00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:50,880 Speaker 1: of the very busy road as everybody's driving to work. 596 00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:55,000 Speaker 1: And that's going to be the damaging thing, right, Ignoring 597 00:31:55,080 --> 00:31:57,120 Speaker 1: that feeling that could have gotten me in a wreck. 598 00:31:57,200 --> 00:32:01,960 Speaker 1: Ignoring the light, ignoring the check engine light that was 599 00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:04,760 Speaker 1: damaging could have been worse than it was. Luckily I 600 00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:08,160 Speaker 1: was okay. But as much as the light coming on 601 00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:11,320 Speaker 1: is frustrating and inconvenient. It's there to help me, and 602 00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:14,760 Speaker 1: so are your feelings. So your feelings are helping you 603 00:32:14,800 --> 00:32:17,320 Speaker 1: move through this. You just have to allow them to 604 00:32:17,360 --> 00:32:21,040 Speaker 1: do that. Now. Also, like I think that some of us, 605 00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:23,680 Speaker 1: like when we're going through breakups, like sometimes we want 606 00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:27,320 Speaker 1: to like push off this away, right, And I think 607 00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:30,000 Speaker 1: there's time for distraction. I really do think that, like 608 00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:33,680 Speaker 1: distraction can be a helpful thing. But also it's okay 609 00:32:33,680 --> 00:32:36,640 Speaker 1: to not distract ourselves all the time. It's okay to 610 00:32:36,920 --> 00:32:40,520 Speaker 1: allow ourselves to remember the good parts of our relationship. 611 00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:44,120 Speaker 1: But with that, I want you to also allow yourself 612 00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:47,000 Speaker 1: to remember the truth of the relationship too, and be 613 00:32:47,040 --> 00:32:49,880 Speaker 1: careful not to use this idea called rosie retrospect and 614 00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:52,920 Speaker 1: then end up romanticizing things that weren't actually that great. 615 00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:56,560 Speaker 1: So rosie retrospect is this term that I've held onto 616 00:32:56,600 --> 00:33:00,000 Speaker 1: that kind of means you are looking back in retrospect 617 00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:04,160 Speaker 1: actively but through like rose colored glasses, and so you're 618 00:33:04,200 --> 00:33:07,600 Speaker 1: creating a story that actually isn't accurate. And a lot 619 00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:09,320 Speaker 1: of times we do that, like with addiction, we do 620 00:33:09,400 --> 00:33:11,440 Speaker 1: that a lot where we'll look back at like a 621 00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:12,920 Speaker 1: party that we went to, like oh, it was so 622 00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:15,520 Speaker 1: fun blah blah blah, and then we'll remember all the 623 00:33:15,520 --> 00:33:17,200 Speaker 1: good parts of it and all these things that we 624 00:33:17,240 --> 00:33:20,480 Speaker 1: want to remember, like who was there and maybe dancing 625 00:33:20,520 --> 00:33:22,120 Speaker 1: at one point and this and that. But then like 626 00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:25,080 Speaker 1: we forget that, like maybe you like fell in front 627 00:33:25,120 --> 00:33:28,160 Speaker 1: of everybody, and maybe you might have like thrown up 628 00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:31,040 Speaker 1: in front of everybody, or that hangover you had, or 629 00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:33,720 Speaker 1: the du i you got after the party, Like you 630 00:33:33,800 --> 00:33:36,680 Speaker 1: forget all that stuff. And in relationships, we do that too. 631 00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:38,960 Speaker 1: We look back and we remember the good things, which 632 00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:42,400 Speaker 1: you're allowed to do that. Like, because a relationship ended 633 00:33:42,480 --> 00:33:46,280 Speaker 1: does not mean your experiences that you had that felt 634 00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:49,720 Speaker 1: good don't matter and don't count anymore. You still get 635 00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:52,160 Speaker 1: to have those. Those were part of your life, and 636 00:33:52,200 --> 00:33:54,880 Speaker 1: you still get to honor those and enjoy those. But 637 00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:57,880 Speaker 1: I don't want you to use those to convince yourself 638 00:33:57,920 --> 00:34:01,600 Speaker 1: of something that wasn't true. So also remember the parts 639 00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:04,240 Speaker 1: that weren't great. Remember the truth of some of those 640 00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:06,880 Speaker 1: nights maybe you had. I mean, I've done this, but 641 00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:09,560 Speaker 1: like great dates were like it's so great, were to 642 00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:12,680 Speaker 1: this great restaurant and we had this great conversation and 643 00:34:13,280 --> 00:34:15,640 Speaker 1: I had this great food and I had this great 644 00:34:15,680 --> 00:34:18,960 Speaker 1: outfit and blah blah, we took this really cute picture 645 00:34:19,040 --> 00:34:22,480 Speaker 1: and we laughed about this. But then, like what happened 646 00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:24,919 Speaker 1: later that night. Maybe you've got a really big fight 647 00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:28,120 Speaker 1: over something and they hurt your feelings and we don't 648 00:34:28,200 --> 00:34:31,000 Speaker 1: want to remember that part. But remember that, like that 649 00:34:31,239 --> 00:34:35,560 Speaker 1: perfect date wasn't actually perfect, So allow yourself to remember both, 650 00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:37,759 Speaker 1: Like you get to keep the good parts, but don't 651 00:34:37,880 --> 00:34:42,560 Speaker 1: let those convince you that the relationship was perfect because 652 00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:44,880 Speaker 1: most like no relationship is perfect, but most likely it 653 00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:48,440 Speaker 1: wasn't and maybe it ended for a reason. Also, like 654 00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:54,160 Speaker 1: patience is one of our best healers here right like time, 655 00:34:54,480 --> 00:34:57,600 Speaker 1: Like I just said, like, allow yourself to have distractions, 656 00:34:57,640 --> 00:35:00,440 Speaker 1: Like I think we need sometimes distractions to help with 657 00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:04,640 Speaker 1: the patients, to help with the time, because distractions can 658 00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:07,560 Speaker 1: allow us to get back in our lives and enjoy 659 00:35:07,600 --> 00:35:10,839 Speaker 1: our lives again without always having to think about this 660 00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:13,439 Speaker 1: thing that we don't have, or always having to think 661 00:35:13,480 --> 00:35:16,520 Speaker 1: about the relearning and the reprocessing that we have to 662 00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:20,640 Speaker 1: do to to create a life again outside of the relationship. 663 00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:24,920 Speaker 1: It's okay to use distraction it sometimes to help us 664 00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:27,960 Speaker 1: get through the time. Because time again it's so cliche, 665 00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:29,920 Speaker 1: but it's like it's a healer, really is. It's like 666 00:35:30,440 --> 00:35:35,239 Speaker 1: space away from something does help. It doesn't fix completely, 667 00:35:35,280 --> 00:35:39,160 Speaker 1: and it doesn't take feelings away, but it does help 668 00:35:39,200 --> 00:35:43,440 Speaker 1: remove the proximity in the strength of some of that emotion. 669 00:35:43,719 --> 00:35:46,319 Speaker 1: And another thing that I think is so important in 670 00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:50,839 Speaker 1: the healing of relationships is to ask yourself, where am 671 00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:54,000 Speaker 1: I finding support? Where am I getting support and help? 672 00:35:54,760 --> 00:35:57,759 Speaker 1: If relationship is something that I've was created to be 673 00:35:57,840 --> 00:36:02,440 Speaker 1: in and if human can action is one of the strongest, best, 674 00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:07,640 Speaker 1: most wonderful experiences and soul giving experiences, Okay, where am 675 00:36:07,640 --> 00:36:11,560 Speaker 1: I going to get that outside of this relationship that ended? 676 00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:14,560 Speaker 1: I still need relationship, I still need support, I still 677 00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:18,080 Speaker 1: need connection. So where can I find that? It might 678 00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:20,320 Speaker 1: not be the same, It's not the same. A friend 679 00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:24,080 Speaker 1: is not the same as romantic partner. It's not. However, 680 00:36:24,160 --> 00:36:28,080 Speaker 1: it is still a helpful, meaningful part of life. So 681 00:36:28,120 --> 00:36:31,680 Speaker 1: where can I lean into people? And where am I 682 00:36:31,719 --> 00:36:34,200 Speaker 1: refusing to do that? And why might TYPE doing that? 683 00:36:34,320 --> 00:36:36,920 Speaker 1: Like I wonder if I if I am finding myself 684 00:36:36,920 --> 00:36:40,360 Speaker 1: feeling very alone, is that because I really am alone? 685 00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:45,560 Speaker 1: Or is that because I'm creating this aloneness because I'm 686 00:36:45,560 --> 00:36:48,359 Speaker 1: isolating myself because it feels like my feelings are too 687 00:36:48,400 --> 00:36:51,120 Speaker 1: big or nobody wants to hear them, or I've talked 688 00:36:51,120 --> 00:36:53,440 Speaker 1: about them too much, or nobody wants to be around 689 00:36:53,440 --> 00:36:56,280 Speaker 1: the sad girl or the sad guy or the sad person. 690 00:36:56,440 --> 00:36:58,640 Speaker 1: And where is that coming from? And where are those 691 00:36:58,640 --> 00:37:02,240 Speaker 1: stories coming from? Like be curious about that? But where 692 00:37:02,320 --> 00:37:08,200 Speaker 1: can I find support? Because while human connection and the 693 00:37:08,920 --> 00:37:12,760 Speaker 1: break of it can be one of the most painful experiences, 694 00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:15,719 Speaker 1: human connection is also one of the best healers that 695 00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:18,960 Speaker 1: we have time and human connection. So how can I 696 00:37:19,080 --> 00:37:21,920 Speaker 1: use this to my benefit? How can I allow myself 697 00:37:22,360 --> 00:37:25,200 Speaker 1: to grab onto those your healers. It's not the book, 698 00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:27,279 Speaker 1: it's not the how to Get Over a book, it's 699 00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:31,799 Speaker 1: not this podcast. It's finding a way to connect and 700 00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:36,800 Speaker 1: be supported by humans and feel love. Like that's the healer. 701 00:37:37,520 --> 00:37:39,840 Speaker 1: And maybe you might get that through something like a 702 00:37:39,840 --> 00:37:42,279 Speaker 1: podcast like this, because maybe you can connect with something 703 00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:44,520 Speaker 1: that I'm saying and I am a real human and 704 00:37:44,560 --> 00:37:46,319 Speaker 1: so use that like that's a lot to be some 705 00:37:46,360 --> 00:37:49,640 Speaker 1: of your support. But also take this conversation and that's 706 00:37:49,680 --> 00:37:52,520 Speaker 1: the point of this whole the whole podcast. The Whole 707 00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:55,440 Speaker 1: Unit Therapy podcast is to take the things that you're 708 00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:59,239 Speaker 1: connecting to here into your life. So take some of 709 00:37:59,239 --> 00:38:01,560 Speaker 1: the things that you're hearing here, take some of the 710 00:38:01,640 --> 00:38:03,799 Speaker 1: questions that are popping up in your head, take some 711 00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:07,480 Speaker 1: of the statements that you're sayings, take some of the feelings, 712 00:38:07,800 --> 00:38:12,280 Speaker 1: and then go create an experience in your life connecting 713 00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:15,319 Speaker 1: to somebody face to face with that stuff so you 714 00:38:15,360 --> 00:38:18,279 Speaker 1: can feel heard and understood and loved and cared for 715 00:38:18,480 --> 00:38:21,560 Speaker 1: because you deserve that, Because heartbreak. A lot of times 716 00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:23,200 Speaker 1: we make up the story that we're not cared for, 717 00:38:23,239 --> 00:38:25,719 Speaker 1: nobody cares about us, And oh my gosh, you are. 718 00:38:26,120 --> 00:38:28,560 Speaker 1: You are, and I want you to be able to 719 00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:31,840 Speaker 1: remind yourself that. So, man, I could talk about this 720 00:38:31,880 --> 00:38:34,840 Speaker 1: all day, literally all day, but I'm not going to. 721 00:38:34,920 --> 00:38:37,200 Speaker 1: I'm going to kind of wrap this up here. And 722 00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:40,520 Speaker 1: and I really hope that this conversation was less of 723 00:38:40,600 --> 00:38:43,680 Speaker 1: a tell you exactly what to do more of a 724 00:38:43,800 --> 00:38:47,520 Speaker 1: give you an understanding of kind of what might you 725 00:38:47,560 --> 00:38:51,719 Speaker 1: be going through and how might I empower myself to 726 00:38:52,360 --> 00:38:55,400 Speaker 1: figure out what I need to do. This stuff is tough, 727 00:38:55,560 --> 00:38:58,800 Speaker 1: This stuff is hard, This this stuff is like I 728 00:38:58,840 --> 00:39:00,879 Speaker 1: could talk about all day, but not fun to talk about. 729 00:39:00,920 --> 00:39:02,480 Speaker 1: This is something I wish that we didn't have to 730 00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:04,840 Speaker 1: deal with heartbreak, Like why is this a thing that 731 00:39:04,920 --> 00:39:08,000 Speaker 1: was created? But it was created and it's here, So 732 00:39:08,400 --> 00:39:10,239 Speaker 1: we're going to do something with it. We're going to 733 00:39:10,239 --> 00:39:11,640 Speaker 1: talk about it, and we're going to learn how to 734 00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:13,960 Speaker 1: cope and move through it. And so I hope that 735 00:39:14,000 --> 00:39:16,600 Speaker 1: this was helpful in some way, and I hope it's 736 00:39:16,640 --> 00:39:19,160 Speaker 1: going to help you create agency in your life to 737 00:39:19,239 --> 00:39:21,400 Speaker 1: move through the toughness that you might be feeling, or 738 00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:23,720 Speaker 1: you might feel in the future, or you might have 739 00:39:24,000 --> 00:39:26,960 Speaker 1: gone through in your past. So again, I'm with you 740 00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:30,239 Speaker 1: in this human experience. I'm with you in it. And 741 00:39:30,360 --> 00:39:32,759 Speaker 1: if you have any questions, send them and I can 742 00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:36,680 Speaker 1: help bounce some questions back to you. And uh, half 743 00:39:36,680 --> 00:39:38,720 Speaker 1: the day, you guys need to have, have the moment 744 00:39:38,719 --> 00:39:41,879 Speaker 1: you need to have, have the conversations today you need 745 00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:44,440 Speaker 1: to have. You deserve them. I will talk to you 746 00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:48,920 Speaker 1: guys again on Wednesday for couch talks, and stay in there, guys,