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Speaker 1: Letting go of a relationship requires tough conversations. It requires

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Speaker 1: being able to be honest with yourself but also be

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Speaker 1: honest with other people about things that they may not

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Speaker 1: want to hear from you. And if you're recovering people pleaser,

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Speaker 1: if you're a recovering perfectionist, if you are a normal

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Speaker 1: human who just wants to make people happy and not

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Speaker 1: want to upset them, then letting go of relationships is

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Speaker 1: something that you may shy away from.

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Speaker 2: Hey, everyone, Emily A Baddi here coming to you from

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Speaker 2: the Age Studio. You're listening to another installment of Hurdle

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Speaker 2: Moment from Hurdle, a wellness focused podcast where connected with

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Speaker 2: everyone from your favorite athletes to tap experts and industry

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Speaker 2: CEOs about their highest hies, toughest moments, and everything in between.

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Speaker 3: We all go through hurdles in life, and.

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Speaker 2: My goal through these discussions is to empower you to

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Speaker 2: better navigate yours and move with intention so that you

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Speaker 2: can stride towards your own big potential and of course have.

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Speaker 3: Some fun along the way. Speaking of fun, you know

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Speaker 3: what's a.

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Speaker 2: Lot of fun Seeing that Hurdle has finally crossed the

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Speaker 2: five million downloads threshold. I'm like giving you around the applause.

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Speaker 2: I just you just can't see it anyway.

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Speaker 3: I'm amped. I'm amped.

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Speaker 2: I'm so happy, I'm so grateful, and I love bringing

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Speaker 2: you these conversations a week after week. So feel free

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Speaker 2: to give a little love to the show. Over on

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Speaker 2: the socials, you know how to target. It's over at

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Speaker 2: Little Podcast and I am over at Emily a Body.

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Speaker 3: I digress.

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Speaker 2: What we're here to talk about today really is letting

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Speaker 2: go of relationships such a hard thing to do, and

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Speaker 2: that is why I'm calling in reinforcements. Today's conversation I

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Speaker 2: am having with Yasmin Cheyenne. She is a self healing

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Speaker 2: a expert, a mental health advocate, and she's launching a

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Speaker 2: new app which we'll talk about in today's episode on

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Speaker 2: February twenty second, and it is called the sugar Jar

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Speaker 2: Community App. It's going to be a safe space to

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Speaker 2: develop self awareness, learn boundaries, and find tools and resources

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Speaker 2: to undergo your own healing. Honestly, wow, such such a

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Speaker 2: good idea. And we also talk about what goes into

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Speaker 2: making that app, but specifically letting go of relationships. We

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Speaker 2: talk about both friendships and romantic relationships.

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Speaker 3: In today's episode, when.

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Speaker 2: To know when you should let one go, how to

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Speaker 2: go about letting it go, what you need to do

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Speaker 2: on your side, regardless of whether you were the person

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Speaker 2: to initiate the fact that this relationship need to issolve

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Speaker 2: or not, And how to best move forward, What coping

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Speaker 2: tactics can you use, What lessons can you take from

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Speaker 2: these hard moments? And again I will reiterate that moving

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Speaker 2: away from relationships, especially when they had a valuable place

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Speaker 2: in your life, it.

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Speaker 3: Is truly truly difficult.

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Speaker 2: But hopefully, with Yasmin's tip and tricks, the next time

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Speaker 2: won't feel so difficult. With that, let's get to hurdling today,

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Speaker 2: I am sitting down with Yasmin Cheyenne. She is a

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Speaker 2: self healing expert.

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Speaker 3: A mental health advocate. How are you doing today? I'm good?

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Speaker 1: How are you?

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Speaker 3: I'm so good. I'm so happy to have you back

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Speaker 3: on the show. I'm happy to do that. It's been

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Speaker 3: no time at all, but also a really long time.

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Speaker 2: As we were just like laughing about the fact that

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Speaker 2: we're recording this on Tuesday, and here we were thinking

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Speaker 2: we were about to go into the weekend already.

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Speaker 1: I know, and I would imagine it hasn't been a

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Speaker 1: year since we last talked, but it does feel.

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Speaker 2: Like time flies when you're having fun. Give us a

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Speaker 2: little lowdown on what you've been up to, what's going

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Speaker 2: on in your world.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, So I today I actually started the

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Speaker 1: launch for my new app, the sugar Jar Community app

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Speaker 1: hub for self healing workshops, video workshops, audio meditations. I'm excited.

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Speaker 1: What an undertaking I know.

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Speaker 2: First of all, congratulations, I feel like there are probably

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Speaker 2: people listening to this right now that may be interested

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Speaker 2: in starting their own app.

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Speaker 3: So, while we won't make this.

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Speaker 2: Like a lengthy discussion, I would be really curious as

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Speaker 2: to like what your first steps were when it came

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Speaker 2: to getting the ball rolling to creating your own app.

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Speaker 3: First of all, I love this question. Okay, So.

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Speaker 1: The first step was finding a developer that really aligned

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Speaker 1: with my values and all of those things. And honestly,

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Speaker 1: the second step is budget because let me tell you,

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Speaker 1: depending on what kind of app you want to create,

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Speaker 1: it's going to take some investment. And so once you're

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Speaker 1: clear on those two things, the third step in my

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Speaker 1: and this is like the fast track but save money.

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Speaker 1: In my opinion, steps get really clear on what your

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Speaker 1: community wants from you. A lot of times we think

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Speaker 1: it would just be really cool to own an app that

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Speaker 1: does all these things, and it's like, are you creating

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Speaker 1: an app that people are going to want to buy?

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Speaker 1: You creating an app that's they solving a problem? Is

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Speaker 1: this something that's going to you know, be aligned with

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Speaker 1: what you already create in the world. And those help

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Speaker 1: you have more clarity when you're working with your developers

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Speaker 1: on what they're going to create for you, and so

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Speaker 1: it makes the process a lot more fun when you

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Speaker 1: know upfront why you're doing this. But the development process

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Speaker 1: of an app if you find the right folks, which

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Speaker 1: I loved my folks. I worked with a team called

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Speaker 1: Andy Cannons, but they were absolutely amazing if they just

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Speaker 1: hand held me through the entire process. So it's been

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Speaker 1: a year and a half in the making.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, wow, well again, congratulations. I can totally relate to

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Speaker 2: you on a lot of your upfront steps here, while

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Speaker 2: I haven't, you know, built an app or anything yet.

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Speaker 3: Definitely going through like a website redesign.

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Speaker 2: Had a lot of the same parallels for sure, and

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Speaker 2: being clear not just on how much you want to spend,

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Speaker 2: but also like what you wanted to look like and

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Speaker 2: what you want to offer, and then all the legwork

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Speaker 2: that goes into creating the content that goes in the

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Speaker 2: app and making sure that you can act on those deliverables.

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Speaker 2: It's it's a big undertaking. So yeah, congrats to you.

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Speaker 2: It's so exciting. The official launch date February twenty second.

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Speaker 1: Right, February twenty second on Apple and Google Play.

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Speaker 3: So yeah, amazing, amazing.

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Speaker 2: Well, we will make sure to share all of that

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Speaker 2: information once it is live. But today you and me,

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Speaker 2: my friend, we are here to talk about letting go

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Speaker 2: of personal relationships. It's a hard topic, I would say,

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Speaker 2: and it's definitely conversation that I think is important to

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Speaker 2: have here on the feed, because I do have some

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Speaker 2: other really great chats about making friends as you get

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Speaker 2: older and also like how to have boundaries within your relationships.

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Speaker 2: But this letting go of personal relationships again can be

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Speaker 2: just a that's really difficult.

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Speaker 1: Nobody wants to be the bad guy. Nobody wants to

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Speaker 1: be the one to say this isn't working anymore, or

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Speaker 1: nobody wants to be the one to say if I

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Speaker 1: knew who I really was, I would have never chose this.

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Speaker 1: You know, letting go of a relationship requires tough conversations.

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Speaker 1: It requires being able to be honest with yourself but

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Speaker 1: also be honest with other people about things that they

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Speaker 1: may not want to hear from you. And if you're

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Speaker 1: recovering people pleaser, if you're a recovering perfectionist, if you

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Speaker 1: are a normal human who just wants to make people

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Speaker 1: happy and not want to upset them, then letting go

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Speaker 1: of relationships is something that you may shy away from.

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Speaker 1: We do everything in our power to try to make

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Speaker 1: things work that are obviously over, but it's the healthiest

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Speaker 1: thing that we can do. So we have time, space

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Speaker 1: and energy for the relationships and things that do matter

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Speaker 1: to us. But there's a process that I'm sure we're

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Speaker 1: going to talk about over the next.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, minute, for sure.

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Speaker 2: So I mean, I was reading some research before we

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Speaker 2: hopped on here, and a lot of the research shows that,

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Speaker 2: contrast to what we may think to be ideal, a

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Speaker 2: lot of friendships, you know, they seldom last forever. There

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Speaker 2: is some sort of a natural wax and wane as

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Speaker 2: you go through different life moments. So I think, firstly,

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Speaker 2: why don't we talk a little bit about when there

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Speaker 2: may be a time that you realize that you need

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Speaker 2: to let go of a relationship, whether it be a

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Speaker 2: friendship or perhaps you know, a more intimate relationship.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's important to start being curious about

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Speaker 1: the energy you have when you're in that relationship. For example,

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Speaker 1: if someone invites you to go to a dinner or

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Speaker 1: an event, are you feeling excited when they say when

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Speaker 1: you're when you're getting ready to go out with them?

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Speaker 1: And granted I know a lot of people who are introverts,

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Speaker 1: so like I never feel excited about going anywhere. This

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Speaker 1: is not that kind of thing I'm talking about. I mean,

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Speaker 1: are you excited to meet up with them or are

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Speaker 1: you already planning what you're not going to share because

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Speaker 1: you know that they have a tendency to say things

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Speaker 1: that are hurtful, or you know another thing that's really

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Speaker 1: helpful too. Can you celebrate with them not just their

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Speaker 1: stuff but your stuff. I have found, you know, in

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Speaker 1: working with clients and doing workshops and things like that,

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Speaker 1: that most people do not feel comfortable telling their friends

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Speaker 1: when they have something. A lot of their friends when

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Speaker 1: they have something exciting going on, because they are nervous

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Speaker 1: about one bragging, but two that they don't find that

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Speaker 1: people around them can celebrate them. And a lot of

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Speaker 1: us do have connections based solely on our trauma, our triggers,

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Speaker 1: or the tough parts of life, versus also being able

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Speaker 1: to grow out of those connections into something more that is,

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Speaker 1: I'm celebrating your life, I'm celebrating your wins, I'm celebrating

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Speaker 1: your marriage. Lastly, is your friend or are your friends

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Speaker 1: able to be there for you when they are having

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Speaker 1: a tough time. Let me give you an example of

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Speaker 1: someone I just spoke to about this. Their friend has

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Speaker 1: went through a breakup. The breakup was like two years ago,

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Speaker 1: but they're still grieving the breakup and it takes time, right,

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Speaker 1: it takes people however long it takes. But this friend

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Speaker 1: is getting is engaged now. And the friend did not

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Speaker 1: respond to the text. And then when they did respond,

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Speaker 1: and I'm sharing this because it was on a public forum,

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Speaker 1: and when they did respond, they said, I just can't

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Speaker 1: believe you know, you shared this with me when I'm

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Speaker 1: going through this right now. And so there are times

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Speaker 1: where you might be going through something that feels like

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Speaker 1: a personal attack to your friend that really is just

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Speaker 1: you living your life. And I know those may sound

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Speaker 1: like very specific instances that don't happen all the time,

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Speaker 1: but with everyone that I talked to, there are things

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Speaker 1: that happen where if the friend that you have or

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Speaker 1: the people in your life don't think it's important to you,

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Speaker 1: you didn't get that promotion, you know, your boyfriend or

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Speaker 1: your partner dumped you, you said the wrong thing in

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Speaker 1: a meeting, and you were embarrassed. If people can't be

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Speaker 1: there for you through the ups and downs, asking yourself

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Speaker 1: why you're still there or and what capacity do you

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Speaker 1: want to remain there is really important.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it is really important.

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Speaker 2: And that example of getting engaged and how could you

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Speaker 2: rub this in my face? I mean, I think that

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Speaker 2: we have to touch on that kind of response, right

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Speaker 2: because I'm sure that for that individual it was so

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Speaker 2: disheartening for her to hear that from someone that she

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Speaker 2: had at least at one point considered a friend. But

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Speaker 2: not just with that instance in general. Oftentimes it takes

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Speaker 2: that step back for us to understand that these responses

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Speaker 2: that can be so truly hurtful to us in the moment,

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Speaker 2: they really don't exactly have anything to do with the

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Speaker 2: thing that we came to them with in the slightest

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Speaker 2: but rather everything to do with that person and what

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Speaker 2: they're going through.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely. I mean, the person who's going through the thing

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Speaker 1: is projecting their own emotions and their lack of being

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Speaker 1: able to move on through this really tough thing that

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Speaker 1: they experience onto the friend. The friend was sharing their

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Speaker 1: engagement because anyone and everyone would share their engagement. They're excited,

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Speaker 1: they're engaged, not thinking. And then another thing that I

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Speaker 1: think is really important too that begin to come up

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Speaker 1: for this person is that their first thought wasn't I

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Speaker 1: can't believe they said this. Their first thought was I've

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Speaker 1: held your hand through this two years of the breakup,

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Speaker 1: and now I've finally found someone, and you can't be

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Speaker 1: here for me. And so asking yourself, you know, if

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Speaker 1: you're in a situation, not necessarily that exact situation, but

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Speaker 1: do you have do you notice in your life? And

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Speaker 1: saw you talk about this, But I had a post

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Speaker 1: that I shared a few years ago that was called

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Speaker 1: I'm not your strong friend, and it talked about, you

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Speaker 1: know the role that we sometimes play in people's lives

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Speaker 1: of being the one that's always reliable, that can always

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Speaker 1: be counted on, that can always be there for everyone

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Speaker 1: when that strong friend my self being a former strong

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Speaker 1: friend puts boundaries in place. Relationship shift because sometimes people

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Speaker 1: are in relationship with you because you are the strong friend.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes people are in relationship with you because you do

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Speaker 1: not have boundaries and they have an opportunity to get

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Speaker 1: what they need from you when you start also requiring support.

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Speaker 1: Not everybody is interested in saying yes to that type

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Speaker 1: of relationship with you. And I think for this person,

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Speaker 1: they were recognizing that they were that person for them,

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Speaker 1: but that person was not necessarily equipped or had the

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Speaker 1: capacity or interested and being that person for them.

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Speaker 2: In your opinion, can you be the strong friend while

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Speaker 2: also expecting people to be strong for you in return,

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Speaker 2: or do you think that being the strong friend almost

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Speaker 2: is you kind of foregoing that level of perhaps like

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Speaker 2: mutual acceptance and reciprocation.

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Speaker 1: I absolutely think that when you hold the role of

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Speaker 1: being the strong friend, you are often a person who

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Speaker 1: is less likely to ask for help and also less

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Speaker 1: likely to receive help. Not because you don't want it.

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Speaker 1: Strong friends are dying for support. Somebody, please show up,

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Speaker 1: but it's usually with the caveat and know what to

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Speaker 1: do and how to do it a little bit better

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Speaker 1: than me.

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Speaker 2: It's also really interesting for you to say, as a

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Speaker 2: recovering strong friend, can you just shed a little bit

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Speaker 2: of light on that?

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Speaker 1: And the point that I just made is now is

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Speaker 1: because I know what it's like to be a strong friend.

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Speaker 1: It's not that we don't want people to be better

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Speaker 1: than us, or that we think we're better than other people.

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Speaker 1: People are usually strong friends because in their families, growing up,

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Speaker 1: in previous relationships, they've learned that they need to be

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Speaker 1: able to be the person for themselves. I can't really

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Speaker 1: trust a lot of other people. People have shown me

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Speaker 1: that they're not going to show up for me. So,

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Speaker 1: you know what, I'm going to make sure that I

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Speaker 1: don't need people. I just get to have people if

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Speaker 1: I need them. But it turns out we're never really

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Speaker 1: comfortable leaning into that vulnerable exchange of can you be

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Speaker 1: there for me? So as a recovering strong friend, I

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Speaker 1: have to remind myself that I can be strong for

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Speaker 1: other people. If a friend is going through a death,

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Speaker 1: if there's a grief. You know this entire last three

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Speaker 1: years we've been living in Sometimes I am the person

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Speaker 1: who's holding someone up, who's having a hard time, but

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Speaker 1: I recognize as a human that I cannot hold that

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Speaker 1: all the time. I know how much capacity I have

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Speaker 1: to hold space for that person. And then maybe at apm.

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Speaker 1: My phone is off and I'm drinking tea or I'm

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Speaker 1: drinking something.

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Speaker 3: I'm watching a show.

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Speaker 1: And I'm not the strong friend for anybody right now.

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Speaker 1: I'm just here for myself. But also the other part

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Speaker 1: of that is when I feel that pain and I'm

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Speaker 1: recognizing that I need support. Yes, therapy, yes, coaching, yes,

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Speaker 1: spiritual teachers, yes, all of those things. But in everyday life,

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Speaker 1: can I reach out to someone and say, hey, do

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Speaker 1: you have a couple of minutes to talk to me

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Speaker 1: about this? I'm going through a hard time. And it

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Speaker 1: does take time for your friends to transition into you

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Speaker 1: needing them. There is a growth period that happens when

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Speaker 1: you stop being the person always holding space for other

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Speaker 1: people and start allowing people to hold space for you.

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Speaker 1: And it can be disappointing when you ask people to

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Speaker 1: be there for you and they're like, actually, I don't

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Speaker 1: have time, I don't have space. But learning who the

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Speaker 1: people are who can hold that space, and also I

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Speaker 1: just want to share, learning how to allow yourself to

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Speaker 1: be disappointed, because when we don't allow people to be

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Speaker 1: there for us, that's what we're trying to forego. And

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Speaker 1: healthy relationships have disappointment as a part of them.

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Speaker 3: Oh woman, you speaking to my soul. I just feel

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Speaker 3: this so deeply, so deeply. Okay, So you articulate here.

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Speaker 2: One of the reasons why a friendship may grow apart

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Speaker 2: is because perhaps one of the individuals, and again not

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Speaker 2: just friendships, we can also and perhaps maybe specifically at

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Speaker 2: a point down the road here in our conversation, talk

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Speaker 2: about romantic relationships. But you mentioned one reason why people

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Speaker 2: grow apart, and that is because perhaps one person is

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Speaker 2: coming to a better understanding about what their needs and

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Speaker 2: boundaries are. What are some other reasons why friendships may

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Speaker 2: need to kind of dissolve a little bit.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes growth is a thing that creates space for us

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Speaker 1: to separate. Maybe we were friends because we partied together

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Speaker 1: throughout our twenties and now in our thirties, one person

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Speaker 1: still partying, one person's not. That is something I have

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Speaker 1: definitely experienced, and I don't.

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Speaker 3: Know anyone who hasn't.

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Speaker 1: Maybe we were friends at work and one person thought

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Speaker 1: it was more serious than it was and then when

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Speaker 1: you find a different job, they're not interested in continuing

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Speaker 1: the relationship. You were just the work friend and you

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Speaker 1: didn't know it. Sometimes when people get into romantic relationships

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Speaker 1: or romantic partnerships, the type of people that they have

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Speaker 1: around them or the space that they have changes, And

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Speaker 1: so because their lives have changed. Babies is another one

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Speaker 1: that changes friendships. Sometimes they don't have the capacity, and

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Speaker 1: so they've chosen the people that they've kept close, and

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Speaker 1: then other people they don't have close. Like there's so

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Speaker 1: many different life stages, and I think also what we've

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Speaker 1: all been experiencing with COVID over the last three years,

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Speaker 1: people have apart, some people will come back together because

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Speaker 1: naturally we haven't been able to keep up with people

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Speaker 1: the way we've wanted to. But in that time period,

349
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Speaker 1: people have changed, things have changed, and so we may

350
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Speaker 1: not have the same types of relationships or be interested

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Speaker 1: in keeping the same types of people around us that

352
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Speaker 1: we were interested in having before. And so I think

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Speaker 1: giving ourselves permission to evaluate the relationships that we have,

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Speaker 1: I don't think that they necessarily even have to always

355
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Speaker 1: let go an end. They may transform from being a

356
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Speaker 1: close friend to just a friend that you hang out with.

357
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Speaker 1: Sometimes they can always be someone you care about. They

358
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Speaker 1: don't have to be someone that's like in your arsenal

359
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:41,040
Speaker 1: of people that you turn to when you want to

360
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Speaker 1: hang out or when you want to do something, and

361
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Speaker 1: that's okay.

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Speaker 2: I think that recognition of the role right that can

363
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Speaker 2: be really challenging, especially when let's say maybe their interactions

364
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Speaker 2: with you are downgraded. When you go from being a

365
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Speaker 2: friend that talk regularly and do things regularly together to

366
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Speaker 2: a space where maybe you don't talk for a month

367
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Speaker 2: or two and then you catch up, or maybe you

368
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,919
Speaker 2: don't talk for even longer periods of time. Getting to

369
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Speaker 2: a place where you can have grace with that transition

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Speaker 2: can be really really challenging.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely because you're thinking, like, what did I do? Like,

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Speaker 1: that's the natural response. People are thinking that I do

373
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,360
Speaker 1: something wrong? Do you know? Do you not like me anymore?

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00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:29,440
Speaker 1: We go back to the playground, right, do you want

375
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Speaker 1: to play with me? Are we friends?

376
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Speaker 2: Like?

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Speaker 1: We go back to that place because we want to

378
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Speaker 1: belong and we have a connection with someone, And it's

379
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Speaker 1: absolutely normal to feel those feelings. I've definitely felt them,

380
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Speaker 1: and I think that's when we are invited to have

381
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Speaker 1: a conversation and say, hey, I just want to make

382
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:46,760
Speaker 1: sure that everything's cool, or maybe you don't even have

383
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:48,440
Speaker 1: to have this conversation, you say, hey, do you want

384
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Speaker 1: to hang out? Can we chat on the phone, and

385
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,720
Speaker 1: you know, catching up with them before we create that

386
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:58,040
Speaker 1: story about why we're not talking catching up with them

387
00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,639
Speaker 1: and seeing, hey, maybe they've been going through something that

388
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,879
Speaker 1: they're not interested. They're not able to keep up with

389
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:06,360
Speaker 1: me in the same way they were before. And also

390
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,200
Speaker 1: maybe you can't keep up with that particular friend that

391
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:11,160
Speaker 1: you want to. Are there other people in your life

392
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:13,639
Speaker 1: that have the time and space to hang out with you.

393
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:16,439
Speaker 1: Sometimes we kind of like pinch whole people into I

394
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:18,119
Speaker 1: want you to be the person who's here from me

395
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:21,680
Speaker 1: right now. You have to allow people to decide whether

396
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,720
Speaker 1: they can be there for you, and it's really tough,

397
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:27,320
Speaker 1: but it's a part of adulting totally.

398
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Speaker 3: It is. It's super super tough.

399
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Speaker 2: And you touched on something that I think is another

400
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:37,960
Speaker 2: difficult point, and that is knowing when to have a

401
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:42,840
Speaker 2: conversation about what's going on versus perhaps choosing to let

402
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:48,200
Speaker 2: things just be. That can be the most soul crushing

403
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:51,440
Speaker 2: moment because perhaps one person wants to have a conversation

404
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:53,280
Speaker 2: and the other person doesn't, And then you have to

405
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,520
Speaker 2: ask yourselves like, what is it that we owe to

406
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:58,199
Speaker 2: this relationship or do we owe this relationship anything? So

407
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:03,080
Speaker 2: can you maybe give some points or tips about how

408
00:21:03,119 --> 00:21:04,800
Speaker 2: to navigate that sticky place?

409
00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:08,520
Speaker 1: Yeah? Absolutely, I think it's important to ask yourself, like,

410
00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:11,080
Speaker 1: who was this person to me? Let's start there, like

411
00:21:11,119 --> 00:21:13,160
Speaker 1: if we think about, was this just a coworker friend

412
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:14,880
Speaker 1: that you went to lunch with a couple of times

413
00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:16,880
Speaker 1: a week at work, but you really didn't have any

414
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:19,959
Speaker 1: interaction in each other's lives, We've never met each other's families,

415
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:22,720
Speaker 1: et cetera. Perhaps we don't need to have a conversation

416
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:25,040
Speaker 1: when you leave your job about what that relationship is

417
00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:26,960
Speaker 1: going to look like afterwards, right, you see, if it

418
00:21:27,359 --> 00:21:31,000
Speaker 1: stays together or naturally falls apart. We all have relationships

419
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:34,439
Speaker 1: like that. But if you think about, like you know

420
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:37,520
Speaker 1: what I've been thinking about lately. Everybody might not watch this,

421
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:40,120
Speaker 1: but and just like that the new Sex Andicity.

422
00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:41,439
Speaker 3: Oh I watch it.

423
00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:45,879
Speaker 1: I'm here, so okay, sam she's not here right, So

424
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:48,520
Speaker 1: if you don't watch the show, I'm sorry, But Samantha,

425
00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:51,359
Speaker 1: it was a part of a friendship of four women

426
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:55,600
Speaker 1: who had been friends for decades. They are what I

427
00:21:55,600 --> 00:22:01,160
Speaker 1: would consider like family. And something happened in terms of

428
00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:05,040
Speaker 1: Carrie and Samantha's relationship, and Samantha is not friends with

429
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:08,040
Speaker 1: the three of them anymore. They haven't had a conversation

430
00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:10,280
Speaker 1: about it. It seems like there was an argument, but

431
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:13,120
Speaker 1: then the relationship ended. The question that you have in

432
00:22:13,119 --> 00:22:16,840
Speaker 1: that situation, and you see Carrie grappling with that, is

433
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:19,399
Speaker 1: how do I try to reach out? How do I

434
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:22,520
Speaker 1: try to you know, make a bridge. She's trying to

435
00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:25,280
Speaker 1: connect through funny things. Like I walked past La Perla

436
00:22:25,359 --> 00:22:27,919
Speaker 1: the other day, I thought about it, you know, understanding

437
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,120
Speaker 1: that if somebody has put a boundary in place, which

438
00:22:30,119 --> 00:22:31,919
Speaker 1: is what sam did, like she put a whole ocean

439
00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:34,440
Speaker 1: in place, If somebody has put a boundary in place

440
00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:37,159
Speaker 1: and they're not interested in connecting with you, it's really

441
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:40,080
Speaker 1: important to allow people to set their boundaries and honor

442
00:22:40,119 --> 00:22:42,760
Speaker 1: them in the same way we would want people to

443
00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:45,920
Speaker 1: honor us. And it may seem really sexy, and it's

444
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:48,760
Speaker 1: so interesting that Carrie is doing that. Again, I'm not

445
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:50,560
Speaker 1: going to go into it and just like that breakdown,

446
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:53,080
Speaker 1: but that she's doing that because she's the type of

447
00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:56,240
Speaker 1: person on the show, this character that is very much

448
00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:59,959
Speaker 1: romanticizes everything, and so it may seem kind of romantic

449
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:03,320
Speaker 1: or kind to continuously reach out to somebody who has

450
00:23:03,359 --> 00:23:05,359
Speaker 1: said they're not interested in being a relationship with you,

451
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:10,399
Speaker 1: but actually it's a boundary violation and unless they are

452
00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:14,320
Speaker 1: interested in talking, then you have no choice but to

453
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:16,639
Speaker 1: try to grieve and let go of that. And so

454
00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:19,320
Speaker 1: I think it's important for people to recognize in real life,

455
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:21,800
Speaker 1: when you had those situations happening, whether there was a

456
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:25,000
Speaker 1: disagreement or whether there wasn't a disagreement, and the relationship

457
00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:29,159
Speaker 1: is just growing apart naturally, ask yourself, what do I

458
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:32,640
Speaker 1: need to be able to move forward? Do I need

459
00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:35,680
Speaker 1: to have a conversation with them? So often and this

460
00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:38,280
Speaker 1: is a little bit off topic, but in romantic relationships,

461
00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:40,440
Speaker 1: people feel like I need to have the closure talk,

462
00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:44,119
Speaker 1: and it's like, do you or is this closure conversation

463
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:48,880
Speaker 1: actually a hopeful opportunity to reconnect. I always invite people

464
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:51,800
Speaker 1: to ask themselves that, like, what is your real intention here?

465
00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:55,040
Speaker 3: Oh my god, my heart feels this a lot.

466
00:23:55,359 --> 00:23:58,840
Speaker 2: I recently wasn't a really I mean it really broke

467
00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:02,359
Speaker 2: me up an unfortunate situation similar I guess to maybe

468
00:24:02,359 --> 00:24:04,919
Speaker 2: what Carrie and Samantha went through, except there was no

469
00:24:05,119 --> 00:24:10,480
Speaker 2: argument and I said something or did something that hurts

470
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:14,680
Speaker 2: someone that I care about her feelings, and rather than

471
00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:18,160
Speaker 2: having a conversation about the fact that I hurt her feelings,

472
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,800
Speaker 2: she kind of put the boundary up and she was like, listen, like,

473
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:22,840
Speaker 2: I'm just focused on some things right now.

474
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:28,160
Speaker 3: This isn't serving me. And it was crushing.

475
00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:31,240
Speaker 2: It was crushing because I felt and do feel like

476
00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:34,720
Speaker 2: there's so much room for potential in that relationship and

477
00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:38,840
Speaker 2: I am still very excited to support her and wherever

478
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:41,480
Speaker 2: her life goes, in whatever way that I can. But

479
00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:44,240
Speaker 2: at this moment in time, she has made it very

480
00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:46,639
Speaker 2: clear that she's not interested in that support. And so

481
00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:49,920
Speaker 2: it is you have to go through this period of

482
00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:51,520
Speaker 2: I would say, yes, grieving.

483
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:53,120
Speaker 3: I definitely grieved this.

484
00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:56,040
Speaker 2: I cried walking down the street after getting off an

485
00:24:56,040 --> 00:25:01,000
Speaker 2: amdrag train in Washington, DC. But then also understand that

486
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:04,239
Speaker 2: you have to handle how this makes you feel on

487
00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:07,760
Speaker 2: your own time, and that's not their real responsibility, which

488
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:12,560
Speaker 2: is so difficult. It is so difficult, especially again when

489
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:15,800
Speaker 2: this happens with someone that you do have a special

490
00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:20,840
Speaker 2: relationship with, but respecting their boundaries is important. Understanding that

491
00:25:21,359 --> 00:25:23,840
Speaker 2: at some time, you know, maybe it will come back

492
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:26,520
Speaker 2: around and maybe it's just a time thing, but you

493
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:26,960
Speaker 2: never know.

494
00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:27,800
Speaker 3: You never know.

495
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:30,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, anytime we have loss, which is what

496
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:34,000
Speaker 1: letting go is, there's grief that shows up. And grief

497
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:37,200
Speaker 1: can be scary because the you know, we want, we

498
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:39,600
Speaker 1: don't want to experience the sadness that comes up with that,

499
00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:41,120
Speaker 1: which is why a lot of times were like, let

500
00:25:41,119 --> 00:25:42,760
Speaker 1: me just fix this, because if I fix this and

501
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:45,600
Speaker 1: we move past this and I don't have this emotion anymore. Also,

502
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:49,840
Speaker 1: we don't want to lose them. Losing them is you know,

503
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:52,480
Speaker 1: it feels like with friends, losing a part of ourselves.

504
00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:56,320
Speaker 1: We have to be able to remind ourselves that there's

505
00:25:56,359 --> 00:26:00,639
Speaker 1: still the potential for reconciliation. But all so if it

506
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:03,800
Speaker 1: doesn't happen, we have other people that can support us

507
00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:07,399
Speaker 1: and hold us, and it can be hard to not

508
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:12,000
Speaker 1: make those moments the center and like of everything that's happening.

509
00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:14,919
Speaker 1: In those moments, allow yourself to feel how you're feeling, grieve,

510
00:26:15,119 --> 00:26:18,720
Speaker 1: talk about it, and then at some point ask yourself,

511
00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:20,879
Speaker 1: how you're going to begin to give yourself permission to

512
00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:23,199
Speaker 1: move forward by connecting with the people that you know,

513
00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:27,439
Speaker 1: trust and love and are interested in continuing to be

514
00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:30,720
Speaker 1: in relationship with you. But it's just like in the show,

515
00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:32,520
Speaker 1: you know, there's always going to be those things. You

516
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:34,760
Speaker 1: walk past that place, there's a joke that's funny, and

517
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,879
Speaker 1: you think of them, and you know this would be

518
00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:40,119
Speaker 1: a perfect opportunity to call them or text them and

519
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:45,440
Speaker 1: say something, and asking yourself, am I honoring their boundaries

520
00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:49,880
Speaker 1: and my own by doing this is a really it's

521
00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:53,280
Speaker 1: a really brave question because we don't actually want to

522
00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:55,119
Speaker 1: do that. We want to just act on what's coming up.

523
00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:03,200
Speaker 2: Taking a break from today's episode to give some love

524
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525
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527
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528
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Speaker 2: oh my god, it's been growing over the past three

529
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530
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541
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542
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543
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546
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550
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Speaker 2: necessary Athleticgreens dot Com slash hurdle. Yeah. And I think

551
00:28:26,520 --> 00:28:29,560
Speaker 2: what we're touching on here also is the important for

552
00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:34,640
Speaker 2: closure within yourself. Like, yes, closure can happen with someone else,

553
00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:39,320
Speaker 2: That can happen with a conversation or perhaps It can

554
00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:41,440
Speaker 2: happen with a face to face conversation, it can happen

555
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:44,680
Speaker 2: with the phone conversation. Maybe you get slow closure, which

556
00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:47,440
Speaker 2: is putting like small boundaries in place, and maybe you'll

557
00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:49,920
Speaker 2: see them around and then with time, maybe you won't

558
00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:52,760
Speaker 2: see them around. But going back to the note of

559
00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:55,560
Speaker 2: guiding closure within yourself, I mean, there's a ton of

560
00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:57,360
Speaker 2: ways to do that, which I'm sure that we can

561
00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:00,800
Speaker 2: talk about right now. A technique that I have used

562
00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:04,680
Speaker 2: oftentimes is writing a goodbye letter that is actually just

563
00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:06,640
Speaker 2: for me. It's not, you know, a whole email and

564
00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:08,800
Speaker 2: I'm going to send off into the universe and definitely

565
00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:11,760
Speaker 2: not to that person, but writing down a letter to

566
00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:14,840
Speaker 2: really recap, like where I was with this relationship at

567
00:29:14,840 --> 00:29:17,480
Speaker 2: this time, and why did I feel like it was

568
00:29:17,520 --> 00:29:20,000
Speaker 2: good for my life, Why might it not be the

569
00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:22,760
Speaker 2: right fit for it right now? And where perhaps down

570
00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:24,600
Speaker 2: the line or what work can I do so that

571
00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:26,400
Speaker 2: down the line, if it was to come back to

572
00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:29,160
Speaker 2: me full circle, that maybe I could be a better

573
00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:30,240
Speaker 2: friend in the future.

574
00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:32,000
Speaker 3: I think that is so powerful.

575
00:29:32,320 --> 00:29:35,240
Speaker 1: I always it's something similar that I share with clients

576
00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:37,800
Speaker 1: when it comes to you know, if there's this particular

577
00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:39,960
Speaker 1: thing that keeps coming up that they're trying to grief

578
00:29:40,040 --> 00:29:42,800
Speaker 1: writing a letter to themselves as they were at that time,

579
00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:46,760
Speaker 1: to reconcile with themselves. Writing a letter, a goodbye letter

580
00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:50,200
Speaker 1: to them is powerful. Also, writing a forgiveness letter to

581
00:29:50,280 --> 00:29:53,360
Speaker 1: yourself is really powerful. I think the biggest thing that

582
00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:56,680
Speaker 1: we also experienced with grief, especially something like this, is

583
00:29:57,000 --> 00:29:59,160
Speaker 1: damn like if I didn't say that, would I be here?

584
00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:01,760
Speaker 1: And there's we can be really hard on ourselves, that

585
00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:03,920
Speaker 1: can be shamed, there can be guilt, and so when

586
00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:07,920
Speaker 1: we write that letter of forgiveness, we're reminding ourselves I

587
00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:10,920
Speaker 1: never had the intention of this being what it is

588
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:15,280
Speaker 1: right now, and so I forgive myself for being human.

589
00:30:15,320 --> 00:30:18,760
Speaker 1: I forgive myself for making mistakes, and I know that

590
00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:21,560
Speaker 1: now that I don't want to recreate this in the future,

591
00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:24,320
Speaker 1: but I also give myself permission to make mistakes in

592
00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:26,600
Speaker 1: the future and to you know, because again, if you're

593
00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:32,120
Speaker 1: recovering a perfectionists, there are lots of triggers that can

594
00:30:32,120 --> 00:30:34,320
Speaker 1: come up. When people call you out on your stuff

595
00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:38,080
Speaker 1: or share when you've hurt them, it can begin to

596
00:30:38,120 --> 00:30:42,160
Speaker 1: become a cycle of really being hard on yourself, which

597
00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:44,800
Speaker 1: isn't helpful when you're already going through something really hard

598
00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:45,320
Speaker 1: like grief.

599
00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:46,640
Speaker 3: Yeah.

600
00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:49,080
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you said the word intention, which I think

601
00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:51,640
Speaker 2: is a really important word for us to talk about

602
00:30:51,680 --> 00:30:53,840
Speaker 2: just a little bit here. You know, it's just really

603
00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:55,960
Speaker 2: interesting to me because when you're younger, you don't think

604
00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:59,720
Speaker 2: about someone's intentions when it comes to becoming your friend.

605
00:31:00,240 --> 00:31:01,720
Speaker 3: This person just wants to be my friend.

606
00:31:01,800 --> 00:31:04,160
Speaker 2: But as we get older, it feels as the life

607
00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:08,040
Speaker 2: gets just a little bit more complicated, and so do

608
00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:12,160
Speaker 2: making these relationships and coming to them with a certain

609
00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:16,760
Speaker 2: level of openness, understanding that there, as we've covered here

610
00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:21,479
Speaker 2: so far, could be different reasons why someone intends to

611
00:31:21,560 --> 00:31:22,960
Speaker 2: bring you into their circle.

612
00:31:23,440 --> 00:31:26,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's such a powerful point because you know, like

613
00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:29,080
Speaker 1: I have a few friends, but one of my closest

614
00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:31,640
Speaker 1: my closest friend, we've known each other since junior year

615
00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:34,640
Speaker 1: of high school, and oh my gosh, we are not

616
00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:36,840
Speaker 1: the same people. We are not friends today for the

617
00:31:36,880 --> 00:31:40,280
Speaker 1: same reason we became friends then in the lunch room

618
00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:45,240
Speaker 1: in high school. I think it's really important to revisit

619
00:31:45,440 --> 00:31:47,719
Speaker 1: that intention. We didn't like sit down and say why

620
00:31:47,800 --> 00:31:51,120
Speaker 1: are we still friends? That's not how it usually happens.

621
00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:54,400
Speaker 1: We the things that we connect on begin to change.

622
00:31:55,080 --> 00:31:58,560
Speaker 1: They you know, dating, and then it was partying, and

623
00:31:58,560 --> 00:32:01,520
Speaker 1: then it was motherhood, and then it was growth, and

624
00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:03,400
Speaker 1: then it was therapy. And you may not be able

625
00:32:03,440 --> 00:32:05,400
Speaker 1: to share all of these things with every single person.

626
00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:07,920
Speaker 1: I do believe there are special people that come into

627
00:32:07,960 --> 00:32:10,520
Speaker 1: your life sometimes that is just a click and you

628
00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:14,760
Speaker 1: don't have to have that uncomfortability that you have sometimes

629
00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:21,000
Speaker 1: with every other relationship. But in adult relationships and creating

630
00:32:21,040 --> 00:32:25,240
Speaker 1: relationships as adult adults in tension is important for yourself.

631
00:32:25,280 --> 00:32:27,960
Speaker 1: This isn't about the other person. Why am I creating

632
00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:30,800
Speaker 1: this relationship? What about them has made me feel like

633
00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:33,400
Speaker 1: I want to take this relationship further? What am I

634
00:32:33,440 --> 00:32:36,240
Speaker 1: hoping to gain out of this relationship? And then also

635
00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:38,560
Speaker 1: reminding yourself. I think this is always important and it's

636
00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:40,320
Speaker 1: not to be negative, it's just to be honest. Are

637
00:32:40,320 --> 00:32:42,120
Speaker 1: there any red flags that I have seen that I

638
00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:45,320
Speaker 1: am ignoring because I'm more excited about who this person

639
00:32:45,320 --> 00:32:47,960
Speaker 1: could potentially be in me than I am about who

640
00:32:47,960 --> 00:32:49,960
Speaker 1: they have shown me to be so far. This is

641
00:32:49,960 --> 00:32:52,240
Speaker 1: also important for dating, and I know we're not talking

642
00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:54,960
Speaker 1: about dating, but there's nothing more exciting than meeting a

643
00:32:55,000 --> 00:32:57,200
Speaker 1: new person who seems like, oh my gosh, this is

644
00:32:57,240 --> 00:32:58,920
Speaker 1: the person I've been waiting to be friends with, this

645
00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:00,760
Speaker 1: is the person I've been waiting to be you parted with.

646
00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:04,320
Speaker 1: We see red flags and we're like, I don't have

647
00:33:04,360 --> 00:33:06,160
Speaker 1: time for that right now. I just want to enjoy

648
00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:09,760
Speaker 1: this moment. And it's like, and do both enjoy this

649
00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:12,760
Speaker 1: moment and also be honest with yourself about the fact

650
00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:15,680
Speaker 1: that there's something you saw that you know is not

651
00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:17,320
Speaker 1: in alignment with who you are, so that you can

652
00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:21,520
Speaker 1: have those conversations now and not down the line explode

653
00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:24,880
Speaker 1: on them or yourself and realize this is a joke,

654
00:33:25,320 --> 00:33:29,440
Speaker 1: you know. And so I think it's easier said than done.

655
00:33:29,600 --> 00:33:33,840
Speaker 1: I understand that, but really it's and it's not about

656
00:33:33,840 --> 00:33:38,760
Speaker 1: blaming yourself. This is just about curiosity with why do

657
00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:41,120
Speaker 1: I connect with the people that I connect with? What

658
00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:44,800
Speaker 1: is my intention behind these connections? And and I hope

659
00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:47,640
Speaker 1: and when when I say intention, Am I hoping that

660
00:33:48,120 --> 00:33:50,880
Speaker 1: they'll make me feel full? Am I hoping that they'll

661
00:33:50,920 --> 00:33:53,280
Speaker 1: make me feel safe? Am I hoping that we can

662
00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:56,120
Speaker 1: have fun together? Am I hoping that they'll I'll finally

663
00:33:56,120 --> 00:33:58,280
Speaker 1: feel loved because I have them in my life? Like,

664
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:01,360
Speaker 1: if those are the intentions you have, it's time to

665
00:34:01,400 --> 00:34:03,960
Speaker 1: back it up a bit and think about how you

666
00:34:04,040 --> 00:34:06,760
Speaker 1: can give yourself those things. Do you need to talk

667
00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:08,399
Speaker 1: to a therapist? Do you need to talk to a coach?

668
00:34:08,400 --> 00:34:10,440
Speaker 1: Do you need to realize how you can because you're

669
00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:15,600
Speaker 1: already putting expectations on those people, on those relationships that

670
00:34:15,600 --> 00:34:18,720
Speaker 1: those people haven't signed up for. Our intentions and healthy

671
00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:21,600
Speaker 1: relationships should sound something a little bit more like, I'm

672
00:34:21,600 --> 00:34:23,600
Speaker 1: hoping to travel with them. They said they like to travel.

673
00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:25,440
Speaker 1: I like to travel. We can travel together. This is

674
00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:28,160
Speaker 1: going to be my travel partner. You know, I'm dating them.

675
00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:31,440
Speaker 1: They are interested in kids, I'm interested in kids. This

676
00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:33,840
Speaker 1: sounds great. If you say I'm interested in dogs and

677
00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:38,160
Speaker 1: they say they're interested in kids, most likely they're not

678
00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:41,759
Speaker 1: going to be able to convince you for kids, right, Like,

679
00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:45,040
Speaker 1: their intention for a partner is very different, and so

680
00:34:45,160 --> 00:34:47,279
Speaker 1: being honest about that is important to.

681
00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:50,319
Speaker 2: Your point about it can be both like you can

682
00:34:50,360 --> 00:34:52,439
Speaker 2: have fun with that person in that moment, but also

683
00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:57,160
Speaker 2: recognize the red flags is so important, especially because it's

684
00:34:57,239 --> 00:34:59,759
Speaker 2: easier to get at a point at the beginning where

685
00:34:59,760 --> 00:35:02,480
Speaker 2: you n what someone could be and go through those

686
00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:05,520
Speaker 2: motions than it is to be, you know, two three

687
00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:10,520
Speaker 2: four years into a romantic relationship and be like dealing

688
00:35:10,640 --> 00:35:15,799
Speaker 2: with the frustrations that you had, knowing that two three

689
00:35:15,960 --> 00:35:19,080
Speaker 2: four years prior, you could have avoided this heartbreak if

690
00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:20,840
Speaker 2: you were just willing to get honest with yourself.

691
00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:23,960
Speaker 1: Absolutely, we say, oh, I loved that they were different

692
00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:25,840
Speaker 1: back then. I love that they were different than what

693
00:35:25,920 --> 00:35:28,640
Speaker 1: I usually look for. Whatever, you know, we tell ourselves

694
00:35:28,640 --> 00:35:31,560
Speaker 1: these stories about why we want to connect, but usually

695
00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:34,080
Speaker 1: the truth is we don't want to be alone. We're

696
00:35:34,120 --> 00:35:36,480
Speaker 1: tired of looking, we're tired of searching. We've found and

697
00:35:36,680 --> 00:35:39,320
Speaker 1: people don't have to be perfect for us. There doesn't

698
00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:41,960
Speaker 1: have to be a checklist. But those red flags that

699
00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:45,919
Speaker 1: you're seeing aren't in them. They aren't wrong. The red

700
00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:48,839
Speaker 1: flags are coming up in you. They don't align with you.

701
00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:52,719
Speaker 1: So it's not you trying to change them, it's you

702
00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:55,640
Speaker 1: realizing that they don't fit with what you want unless

703
00:35:55,719 --> 00:35:58,600
Speaker 1: you are willing to compromise and change something about yourself

704
00:35:58,640 --> 00:36:01,680
Speaker 1: to meet them. So you're not being a bad person

705
00:36:01,719 --> 00:36:04,920
Speaker 1: if you say you're wonderful but this isn't going to work.

706
00:36:05,040 --> 00:36:08,200
Speaker 1: You're honoring yourself and you're honoring their time too, because

707
00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:12,279
Speaker 1: if you're not being honest with yourself, then ninety nine

708
00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:14,200
Speaker 1: point nine percent of the time, you're not being honest

709
00:36:14,239 --> 00:36:17,120
Speaker 1: with them, and they think that who they are is

710
00:36:17,160 --> 00:36:20,000
Speaker 1: what you want. So there's confusion later on when you say,

711
00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:22,120
Speaker 1: why are you doing this thing? They're like, this is

712
00:36:22,160 --> 00:36:24,200
Speaker 1: the same thing I've been doing for twenty years. You

713
00:36:24,200 --> 00:36:27,480
Speaker 1: didn't have a problem with it. Oh well, I wasn't honest.

714
00:36:27,480 --> 00:36:31,239
Speaker 1: And if you're listening to this and you're thinking, this

715
00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:36,359
Speaker 1: is me and I feel like I feel bad about

716
00:36:36,400 --> 00:36:40,120
Speaker 1: the fact that I haven't been honest with myself, Please

717
00:36:40,160 --> 00:36:43,759
Speaker 1: give yourself some grace and compassion, because all of us

718
00:36:44,520 --> 00:36:48,080
Speaker 1: lie to ourselves. So many of us betray our own

719
00:36:48,239 --> 00:36:51,279
Speaker 1: truth in the name of what other people say we

720
00:36:51,320 --> 00:36:53,719
Speaker 1: should do or what people want to do, and so

721
00:36:53,800 --> 00:36:56,439
Speaker 1: many of us are trying to meet societal guidelines. Get

722
00:36:56,480 --> 00:36:58,279
Speaker 1: married by a certain age, you have kids by this age,

723
00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:01,480
Speaker 1: do this, do that, and we're ignoring our own red

724
00:37:01,480 --> 00:37:06,320
Speaker 1: flags to meet those requirements so that we're validated, at seen, loved, accepted,

725
00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:10,680
Speaker 1: and belong But really belonging to ourselves is the priority,

726
00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:14,000
Speaker 1: and you might have to do a lot of things

727
00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:17,839
Speaker 1: a little bit lonelier with the less people around you

728
00:37:18,880 --> 00:37:23,640
Speaker 1: than you would if you just said yes to something

729
00:37:23,680 --> 00:37:24,680
Speaker 1: that you know doesn't fit.

730
00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:28,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm looking for that world serious kind of love,

731
00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:28,879
Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying.

732
00:37:31,320 --> 00:37:33,799
Speaker 3: That is what I tell myself all the time in

733
00:37:33,880 --> 00:37:36,520
Speaker 3: these lonely moments. I'm like, you have come.

734
00:37:36,600 --> 00:37:38,960
Speaker 2: You have not come this far to only come this far,

735
00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:42,920
Speaker 2: So settling is just it's a non option for me.

736
00:37:43,280 --> 00:37:45,680
Speaker 2: Something I do want to ask you about when it

737
00:37:45,719 --> 00:37:51,400
Speaker 2: comes to either friendships or romantic relationships, is what happens

738
00:37:51,520 --> 00:37:56,040
Speaker 2: when you may be in a situation where two individuals

739
00:37:56,160 --> 00:38:00,359
Speaker 2: no longer feel like the relationship is serving them, yet

740
00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:03,640
Speaker 2: are part of a bigger thing where seeing one another

741
00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:06,960
Speaker 2: is going to be something that happens with some sort

742
00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:10,280
Speaker 2: of frequency. I'm not talking about you know, every weekend

743
00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:12,799
Speaker 2: you're at the bar and this person's there, But it

744
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:14,880
Speaker 2: could be that, or it could be just you know,

745
00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:18,400
Speaker 2: once every so often. How do you navigate that with

746
00:38:18,520 --> 00:38:19,080
Speaker 2: this person?

747
00:38:19,840 --> 00:38:21,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think this is so interesting. I always think

748
00:38:21,920 --> 00:38:25,400
Speaker 1: about this in terms of, like, uh, you know, celebrities

749
00:38:25,400 --> 00:38:26,960
Speaker 1: that date each other and then have to go on

750
00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:29,240
Speaker 1: all awards show, Like we're thinking, like, you can't avoid

751
00:38:29,239 --> 00:38:30,799
Speaker 1: You're not going to not go to do your job

752
00:38:30,880 --> 00:38:33,080
Speaker 1: because somebody you dated is there, right, So we're thinking

753
00:38:33,080 --> 00:38:36,760
Speaker 1: about those kind of work a wedding. You have mutual friends,

754
00:38:37,880 --> 00:38:42,560
Speaker 1: I think it's really important to recognize that you do

755
00:38:42,640 --> 00:38:45,279
Speaker 1: not have to have a conversation with them about how

756
00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:47,359
Speaker 1: you're going to show up in this space. I think

757
00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:49,480
Speaker 1: this is the most important thing to mention because a

758
00:38:49,480 --> 00:38:52,560
Speaker 1: lot of times, and especially my client who identify as women,

759
00:38:53,200 --> 00:38:56,000
Speaker 1: feel like I need to have a conversation with them

760
00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:58,080
Speaker 1: so that everything is clear and they understand. And then

761
00:38:58,080 --> 00:39:00,000
Speaker 1: I called their mutual friend and they helped meet up

762
00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:02,920
Speaker 1: understand you know, where they are in their lives. Why like,

763
00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:05,759
Speaker 1: why does your energy need to be spent on what's

764
00:39:05,840 --> 00:39:08,640
Speaker 1: going on with that person? What would it be like

765
00:39:08,719 --> 00:39:10,759
Speaker 1: to ask yourself, Okay, I'm going to this event. I

766
00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:12,400
Speaker 1: know I'm going to see a partner that I dated.

767
00:39:12,880 --> 00:39:15,160
Speaker 1: How am I feeling? Do I need to bring a

768
00:39:15,160 --> 00:39:18,080
Speaker 1: plus one? Could be a friend to help me, you know,

769
00:39:18,160 --> 00:39:21,040
Speaker 1: feel like I have somebody to navigate the space with.

770
00:39:21,560 --> 00:39:24,040
Speaker 1: It did it end well? And I don't actually even

771
00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:26,080
Speaker 1: need to talk to them at this event, Like the

772
00:39:26,160 --> 00:39:31,040
Speaker 1: event becomes secondary and seeing your potential X becomes primary

773
00:39:31,120 --> 00:39:35,799
Speaker 1: in those situations. Allow yourself to not have to do

774
00:39:35,880 --> 00:39:39,960
Speaker 1: the game of uh, am I doing better than they were?

775
00:39:40,800 --> 00:39:42,200
Speaker 1: Did I win the breakup game?

776
00:39:42,320 --> 00:39:42,520
Speaker 2: You know?

777
00:39:43,239 --> 00:39:44,440
Speaker 1: Am I going to have to talk to them and

778
00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:45,960
Speaker 1: we're going to have to catch up? Do what makes

779
00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:48,120
Speaker 1: you feel comfortable? How would it feel to give yourself

780
00:39:48,120 --> 00:39:51,000
Speaker 1: permission to show up and do what makes you feel

781
00:39:51,480 --> 00:39:54,920
Speaker 1: absolutely comfortable in nothing more? You can always say hello,

782
00:39:54,960 --> 00:39:56,880
Speaker 1: you can always be kind, and you don't have to

783
00:39:56,920 --> 00:39:59,880
Speaker 1: have any level of extended conversation that you're not interested in.

784
00:40:00,719 --> 00:40:03,440
Speaker 1: And I think a lot of this just comes from

785
00:40:03,920 --> 00:40:08,120
Speaker 1: again wanting to connect, but also sometimes we follow societal

786
00:40:08,239 --> 00:40:12,560
Speaker 1: rules about how we're supposed to how we're supposed to

787
00:40:12,600 --> 00:40:16,000
Speaker 1: be in connection with each other after breakups that don't

788
00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:18,920
Speaker 1: even really relate to what we feel and believe, But

789
00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:20,680
Speaker 1: we just do it because that's what we were just

790
00:40:20,880 --> 00:40:22,880
Speaker 1: living the cycle that we've seen other people do, or

791
00:40:23,160 --> 00:40:26,600
Speaker 1: even what we've seen people do in movies. We're doing

792
00:40:26,600 --> 00:40:27,880
Speaker 1: the same thing like, oh, I'm going to be like

793
00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:30,120
Speaker 1: this person in that movie, you know in that scene?

794
00:40:30,440 --> 00:40:30,799
Speaker 3: Are you?

795
00:40:31,400 --> 00:40:32,319
Speaker 1: Or could you just be you?

796
00:40:34,120 --> 00:40:34,440
Speaker 3: Are you?

797
00:40:34,520 --> 00:40:39,640
Speaker 2: Though? Okay, So the piece of advice here is do

798
00:40:39,719 --> 00:40:43,440
Speaker 2: what truly feels right for you, and don't run to

799
00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:48,120
Speaker 2: have conversations that aren't really going to change the trajectory

800
00:40:48,160 --> 00:40:51,000
Speaker 2: of what happens at this thing that you're dreading.

801
00:40:51,400 --> 00:40:53,239
Speaker 1: Yeah, this thing will be probably an hour and a

802
00:40:53,280 --> 00:40:54,839
Speaker 1: half and then you're going to go back to your

803
00:40:54,880 --> 00:40:57,719
Speaker 1: lives and then you may not see each other until

804
00:40:57,760 --> 00:40:59,920
Speaker 1: the next time this thing happens. And that's okay.

805
00:41:00,080 --> 00:41:03,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that's okay, that's okay. All right, What have

806
00:41:03,200 --> 00:41:05,000
Speaker 2: we missed here? Is there anything that we should touch

807
00:41:05,000 --> 00:41:07,000
Speaker 2: on before I let you go? When it comes to

808
00:41:07,760 --> 00:41:10,680
Speaker 2: letting go of relationships.

809
00:41:10,280 --> 00:41:11,880
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, I just think the last thing that

810
00:41:11,920 --> 00:41:15,239
Speaker 1: came to mind was letting go of romantic relationships and

811
00:41:15,280 --> 00:41:19,960
Speaker 1: moving forward, especially when the partner you were with has

812
00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:27,839
Speaker 1: like whatever your definition of successfully moved forward quotations is right.

813
00:41:29,600 --> 00:41:33,720
Speaker 1: They are partnered, now, they are married, now they are whatever.

814
00:41:33,880 --> 00:41:36,759
Speaker 1: They finally opened the bar that you said they should open,

815
00:41:36,960 --> 00:41:42,520
Speaker 1: whatever it is that they're doing, and you think, did

816
00:41:42,520 --> 00:41:45,360
Speaker 1: I leave too soon? It looks like they've changed, It

817
00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:48,880
Speaker 1: looks like, you know, I think it's important to focus

818
00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:53,000
Speaker 1: on yourself in breakups. I know that might sound wild,

819
00:41:53,080 --> 00:41:54,840
Speaker 1: because it's like the one thing we want to do

820
00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:58,160
Speaker 1: is post mortem on the from the moment we met

821
00:41:58,160 --> 00:42:00,959
Speaker 1: them to the moment it ended, and everything that they've

822
00:42:01,000 --> 00:42:04,600
Speaker 1: done since. And I haven't dated since social media has

823
00:42:04,680 --> 00:42:08,960
Speaker 1: been the thing, but I can't even the seeing their

824
00:42:09,040 --> 00:42:13,600
Speaker 1: posts and you know, decoding them, like unfollow your ex.

825
00:42:13,840 --> 00:42:17,759
Speaker 1: If you guys are not real friends, I don't mean like,

826
00:42:18,960 --> 00:42:21,799
Speaker 1: oh it's cordial, like if you aren't in each other's lives. Still,

827
00:42:21,960 --> 00:42:24,160
Speaker 1: why why continue to have them as a part of

828
00:42:24,200 --> 00:42:28,279
Speaker 1: your life. It's if it's causing you discomfort, if it's

829
00:42:28,320 --> 00:42:32,280
Speaker 1: not adding to you and fueling you, but focusing on yourself,

830
00:42:32,320 --> 00:42:35,239
Speaker 1: what do you want? What lessons did you learn from

831
00:42:35,239 --> 00:42:37,839
Speaker 1: that breakup? What did you learn about yourself? How are

832
00:42:37,880 --> 00:42:41,400
Speaker 1: you proud of yourself for no longer continuing a cycle

833
00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:43,120
Speaker 1: that you did with the other people? That took you

834
00:42:43,160 --> 00:42:45,640
Speaker 1: a long time then, but now you realize it quickly

835
00:42:45,680 --> 00:42:47,960
Speaker 1: and moved on. How are you proud of yourself for

836
00:42:48,000 --> 00:42:50,320
Speaker 1: putting yourself back out there and dating? How are you

837
00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:52,200
Speaker 1: proud of yourself and walking out of a date? Maybe

838
00:42:52,239 --> 00:42:55,040
Speaker 1: that was just a sham and you know you realize

839
00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:58,400
Speaker 1: it in the middle, like remembering how you are dating

840
00:42:58,680 --> 00:43:03,120
Speaker 1: not to impress others, not to be seen by others,

841
00:43:03,239 --> 00:43:06,640
Speaker 1: not to be validated by others. But you're dating because

842
00:43:06,840 --> 00:43:09,719
Speaker 1: you're looking for some form of partnership, whatever that form

843
00:43:09,719 --> 00:43:13,360
Speaker 1: of partnership is for. You give yourself space to focus

844
00:43:13,440 --> 00:43:16,160
Speaker 1: on you, and then when you meet someone, you can

845
00:43:16,160 --> 00:43:19,680
Speaker 1: focus on them and still you, and vice versa.

846
00:43:20,280 --> 00:43:23,920
Speaker 3: And both both. The word of today is both. It's both.

847
00:43:24,880 --> 00:43:27,879
Speaker 2: Yes, Oh my goodness, it's such good advice. It's such

848
00:43:27,920 --> 00:43:31,000
Speaker 2: good advice. And I also we said it earlier in

849
00:43:31,040 --> 00:43:34,840
Speaker 2: this episode. But when something just doesn't pan out, to

850
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:38,120
Speaker 2: have that grace with yourself, I mean everyone is going

851
00:43:38,160 --> 00:43:41,440
Speaker 2: to take a different amount of time to navigate the

852
00:43:41,480 --> 00:43:44,239
Speaker 2: feelings that you are natural to experience when you get

853
00:43:44,280 --> 00:43:48,760
Speaker 2: out of a very important relationship, and so not feeling

854
00:43:48,800 --> 00:43:50,799
Speaker 2: guilt or shame about the way that you need to

855
00:43:50,840 --> 00:43:53,520
Speaker 2: do that, finding the resources that you need to truly

856
00:43:53,760 --> 00:43:56,760
Speaker 2: process that and move forward at a pace that feels

857
00:43:56,800 --> 00:43:59,000
Speaker 2: right for you, not one that someone else tells you

858
00:43:59,000 --> 00:44:00,440
Speaker 2: you should be moving it.

859
00:44:00,880 --> 00:44:04,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, even the articles, even the good podcast like this,

860
00:44:04,960 --> 00:44:07,680
Speaker 1: Like if I have said something that's like that doesn't resonate,

861
00:44:07,719 --> 00:44:11,400
Speaker 1: I resonate, I'd actually rather do this, do what resonates

862
00:44:11,440 --> 00:44:14,680
Speaker 1: with you. Allow this to be something that sparks your curiosity,

863
00:44:15,200 --> 00:44:18,120
Speaker 1: not something that is you know, rule, and you have

864
00:44:18,200 --> 00:44:19,880
Speaker 1: to follow exactly as it says it should go.

865
00:44:20,800 --> 00:44:24,160
Speaker 2: And at the end of the day, again, remember you

866
00:44:24,239 --> 00:44:27,520
Speaker 2: have value as you, as who you are, as what

867
00:44:27,560 --> 00:44:31,920
Speaker 2: you're doing right now. So just because it's not aligning

868
00:44:31,960 --> 00:44:35,440
Speaker 2: with someone else doesn't mean that you're a bad person.

869
00:44:35,680 --> 00:44:39,279
Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that other people aren't going to appreciate

870
00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:39,760
Speaker 2: your worth.

871
00:44:39,840 --> 00:44:41,759
Speaker 3: It just means that maybe it wasn't the right fit.

872
00:44:42,400 --> 00:44:45,000
Speaker 1: Absolutely, and that's completely okay. And I always am so

873
00:44:45,120 --> 00:44:47,080
Speaker 1: thankful when that happens because I'm like, oh, I don't

874
00:44:47,120 --> 00:44:49,520
Speaker 1: have to put my energy into that anymore. I can

875
00:44:49,560 --> 00:44:51,439
Speaker 1: wish them absolute well and move forward.

876
00:44:52,239 --> 00:44:54,560
Speaker 2: What a beautiful perspective and a hard one to adopt,

877
00:44:54,719 --> 00:44:56,600
Speaker 2: a hard fun I.

878
00:44:56,560 --> 00:44:58,719
Speaker 1: Allow my hard one to adopt, be angry and all

879
00:44:58,719 --> 00:45:00,239
Speaker 1: of that, and all of that as well. And then

880
00:45:00,280 --> 00:45:03,160
Speaker 1: I get to I wish them well and I'm going.

881
00:45:03,080 --> 00:45:05,120
Speaker 3: To move forward. I'm going to move forward.

882
00:45:05,120 --> 00:45:06,960
Speaker 2: Well, we're going to move forward, and I'm again so

883
00:45:07,000 --> 00:45:09,160
Speaker 2: excited for you and the launch of your app at

884
00:45:09,160 --> 00:45:11,720
Speaker 2: the end of the month. Let us know all the details,

885
00:45:11,719 --> 00:45:14,080
Speaker 2: how do we make sure that we're following along with you?

886
00:45:14,160 --> 00:45:15,759
Speaker 3: How do we stay in the loop when it comes

887
00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:18,440
Speaker 3: to the sugar Jar app. Give me the details.

888
00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:20,760
Speaker 1: Yes, So the sugar Jar app is going to be available,

889
00:45:20,800 --> 00:45:22,880
Speaker 1: like I said, on Apple and Google Play, So you

890
00:45:22,920 --> 00:45:26,320
Speaker 1: can just search the sugar Jar community app after February

891
00:45:26,360 --> 00:45:29,239
Speaker 1: twenty second. But also you can follow me on Instagram

892
00:45:29,880 --> 00:45:33,440
Speaker 1: or get on my newsletter and have access to all

893
00:45:33,480 --> 00:45:35,440
Speaker 1: of the new updates and all the things happening there.

894
00:45:36,280 --> 00:45:37,319
Speaker 3: All the things happening there.

895
00:45:37,400 --> 00:45:40,480
Speaker 2: I'm over at Hurdle podcast and at Emily Abadi another

896
00:45:40,560 --> 00:45:41,759
Speaker 2: Hurdle conquered.

897
00:45:42,000 --> 00:45:43,000
Speaker 3: Catch you guys next time.