Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. Welcome to the Daily Show.
Speaker 1: My name is Jon Stewart. Now where was I I'm
Speaker 1: excited to be back. I'm very excited.
Speaker 2: Guy.
Speaker 1: Gooding to you. Guys. Why am I back? You may
Speaker 1: be asking yourselves. It's a very reasonable question. I have
Speaker 1: committed a lot of crimes from what I understand, talk
Speaker 1: show host or granted immunity, So it doesn't doesn't make
Speaker 1: a lot of sense. But take it up with the founders.
Speaker 1: I don't know. We're gonna have so much we're gonna
Speaker 1: talk about this year. Obviously elections, Maybe we'll talk about China,
Speaker 1: Maybe we'll talk about Ai, maybe something a little lighter, Israel, Palestine.
Speaker 3: Who knows.
Speaker 1: But first, the Super Bowl was yesterday. Gentleman in the crowd,
Speaker 1: who's delighted the Kansas City won? It was really sadly
Speaker 1: a lose lose for real America Kansas City Chiefs or
Speaker 1: World Champions, which means the decades long plot in which
Speaker 1: Travis and Taylor brainwashed America into into getting routine vaccinations
Speaker 1: is complete. But it was really kind of a no
Speaker 1: win for conservatives. I mean, if the Chiefs lost, who
Speaker 1: wins the people's Communist Republic of Gay Pelosi, Stan. It's
Speaker 1: almost like the rights. Ridiculous obsession with politicizing every aspect
Speaker 1: of American life ruins everything. But now that it's over
Speaker 1: nine months till the election, people, and the exciting part
Speaker 1: is we already know our candidates. It's drum roll, please
Speaker 1: these guys. That's why tonight we're debut on our election
Speaker 1: coverage in Decision twenty twenty four American Democracy. It's a
Speaker 1: it's a homophone. We didn't change the sound of the word,
Speaker 1: but we added a K, which makes it wittier. How
Speaker 1: about and his sais you twenty twenty four electile zone?
Speaker 1: We changed the one letter. Are you disappointed yet? So
Speaker 1: Joe Biden and Donald Trump? And by the way, this
Speaker 1: weekend the big news was the Special Council report on
Speaker 1: Joe Biden's handling of classified information.
Speaker 4: The Special Council's report offers scathing details of what it
Speaker 4: calls is diminished faculties and faulty memory writing. If charged,
Speaker 4: mister Biden will likely present himself to the jury as
Speaker 4: he did during his interview with our office, as a sympathetic,
Speaker 4: well meaning elderly man with a poor memory.
Speaker 1: Where did I Park those documents. This guy couldn't remember
Speaker 1: stuff during his deposition. Do you understand what that means?
Speaker 1: He had no ability to recall very basic things. Under
Speaker 1: questioning the footage of the president unable to recall simple
Speaker 1: facts must have been brutal to watch.
Speaker 3: James Webb, I don't remember the news, I don't remember the name.
Speaker 1: I don't remember ever buying something from myself.
Speaker 5: Did you recall what years you were married to Ms Naples?
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't remember that. It is as good
Speaker 1: as my memory is.
Speaker 6: I don't remember that.
Speaker 5: So you don't remember saying you have one of the
Speaker 5: best men.
Speaker 1: I don't remember. I'm all right over on over on hood.
Speaker 1: That's the high functioning candidate from nine years ago, unable
Speaker 1: to recall if he has a good memory. I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: here's the actual footage. Who created Trump International Real time?
Speaker 1: I don't remember. I don't remember, I don't remember the email.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying I don't remember this. I just don't
Speaker 1: seem to recall anything about this. He actually seemed upset
Speaker 1: about it. I don't know. Yes, it turns out that
Speaker 1: the leading cause of early onset dementia is being deposed.
Speaker 1: But back to President Biden. Biden was not a out
Speaker 1: to take the Special Counsel's characterizations lying down, although chances
Speaker 1: are he was lying down when the point is this
Speaker 1: to the press conference, batman.
Speaker 3: My memory is fine, my memory. Take a look at
Speaker 3: what I've done since I become president. None of you
Speaker 3: thought I could pass any of the things I got passed.
Speaker 4: How did that happen?
Speaker 3: I know what the hell I'm doing them? In?
Speaker 4: President?
Speaker 3: I put this country back on his sheet.
Speaker 1: Did not say that? Okay, okay, good box say that,
Speaker 1: mister president. What about your question? Then? American people have
Speaker 1: been watching and they have express concerns about your aide.
Speaker 1: That is your judgment.
Speaker 4: That is your judgment.
Speaker 1: Boom. He took them to the house. He was all
Speaker 1: over it, Joe Biden, taking nerves, tacking ass press conference over.
Speaker 1: You didn't mess up, You didn't No, no, no, don't stop. Wait,
Speaker 1: hold on, hold on, sir, don't no. You killed this
Speaker 1: Take the w what are you doing? Do not go
Speaker 1: Allow me to present to you a one man show
Speaker 1: about what Joe Biden's advisors were doing. When he turned
Speaker 1: around and went back to the podium. The show is
Speaker 1: called no, do not go back, please, But he went back.
Speaker 3: I'm of the view, as you know, that the conduct
Speaker 3: of the response in the Gaza strip has been over
Speaker 3: the top.
Speaker 1: Ther Bunzu.
Speaker 7: Garment Gosa, by the way, the response in Gaza has
Speaker 7: been over the top, you know.
Speaker 1: I like how Biden describes Israel's incessant bombing of civilians
Speaker 1: the same way my mother talks about the Super Bowl
Speaker 1: halftime show.
Speaker 8: It was a little much. Did they need to be
Speaker 8: unrolling skins? Whatever happened? In music, you sing the song
Speaker 8: and people be loove it. But with the abs and
Speaker 8: the dwarling.
Speaker 1: And the hits kept coming.
Speaker 3: Initially, the President of Mexico CCI did not want to
Speaker 3: open up the gate to allow humanitarian material to get in.
Speaker 1: Now, geography, Buffs might have noticed, Gaza and Mexico do
Speaker 1: not share a border. Biden was referring to CC the
Speaker 1: president of Egypt, not Mexico, unless it was even worse
Speaker 1: than that, and he thinks the president of Mexico is
Speaker 1: named see see So Joe Biden had a big press
Speaker 1: conference to dispel the notion that he may have lost
Speaker 1: a step, and politically speaking, lost three to four steps.
Speaker 1: But don't worry, because they don't need the press conference.
Speaker 1: The Super Bowl was on Sunday, and the President was
Speaker 1: offered a chance, as per tradition, to do an interview
Speaker 1: where millions and millions of people could see him competently
Speaker 1: and clearly lay out his twenty twenty four agenda. Or
Speaker 1: he could just turn that down and do what this is.
Speaker 1: The Biden Harris campaign joined TikTok over the weekend. The
Speaker 1: first video was released during the Super Bowl shows President
Speaker 1: Biden answering questions related to the Big Game Gamer halftime show,
Speaker 1: Dame Jason Kelcey or Travis Kelcey.
Speaker 3: Mama comes understation, Great chalk at chip cookies.
Speaker 1: Fire everyone everyone. How do you go on TikTok and
Speaker 1: end up looking older? So yes, everyone spent the entire
Speaker 1: weekend talking about whether the Democratic choice for president is
Speaker 1: mentally up to the challenge of the world's most demanding job.
Speaker 1: So what was his opponent saying this weekend? We have
Speaker 1: to win in November. Well, we're not going to have Pennsylvania.
Speaker 1: They'll change the name. They're going to change the name
Speaker 1: of Pennsylvania. I can't believe I've lived in New Jersey
Speaker 1: this long and have been mispronouncing Vanulani. Yeah, apparently the
Speaker 1: emphasis is in the end of the day. Yes, it
Speaker 1: should be noted well. Concerns over any president's fitness and
Speaker 1: acuity are legitimate, especially though it was at an advanced age.
Speaker 1: Biden's opponent also seems to live at the villages, so
Speaker 1: the question then becomes, what the heck are we doing
Speaker 1: here people? Oh wait, that's a nice indecision twenty twenty
Speaker 1: four title. Yeah, I'm gonna tell you something. Biden's lost
Speaker 1: the step, but Trump regularly says things that rallies that
Speaker 1: would warrant a wellness check. All I know about magnets
Speaker 1: is this, give me a glance of water, let me
Speaker 1: drop it on the magnets. That's the end of the magnus.
Speaker 1: I am not a scientist. I'm pretty sure water is
Speaker 1: not the end of magnets. I think he may be
Speaker 1: thinking of cotton candy. Pretty easy to mix those up.
Speaker 1: It's probably why the front of his refrigerator is so messy.
Speaker 1: It's just it's sticky in that. Look these two candidates,
Speaker 1: they are very kind with your enthusiasm. These two candidates,
Speaker 1: they are both similarly challenged, and it is not crazy
Speaker 1: to think that the oldest people in the history of
Speaker 1: the country to ever run for president might have some
Speaker 1: of these challenges. Now, Democrats will say that any criticism
Speaker 1: like this, especially if Biden, is unfair because you just
Speaker 1: don't know Biden like they know Biden.
Speaker 4: President Biden, who I've been around numerous times in this
Speaker 4: last year, is sharp.
Speaker 1: He's focused, He's right.
Speaker 3: He is sharp, intensely probing and detail oriented and focused.
Speaker 1: This is a man who is sharp, who is on
Speaker 1: top of his game, who knows what's going on. He's smart,
Speaker 1: He's on his game.
Speaker 5: I was in almost every meeting with the President, and
Speaker 5: the President was in front of and on top of
Speaker 5: it all coordinating and directing leaders who are in charge
Speaker 5: of America's national security. Not to mention our allies around
Speaker 5: the globe.
Speaker 6: Did anyone film that, because if you're.
Speaker 1: If you're telling us behind the scenes, he is sharp
Speaker 1: and full of energy and on top of it and
Speaker 1: really in control and leading, you should film that. That
Speaker 1: would be good to show to people. Instead of a
Speaker 1: tick tock where he goes cookie, we see he's in charge.
Speaker 1: You see hell cookie. Of course, when it comes to Republicans,
Speaker 1: they've got a different strategy for their seventy seven year
Speaker 1: old candidate.
Speaker 5: Well, first of all, Donald Trump is not an old man.
Speaker 1: He's an old man. He is objectively an old man
Speaker 1: on a human scale. Trump is objectively Oh if he
Speaker 1: was a tortoise, I would tell him as a tortoise
Speaker 1: at seventy seven, Oh, young man, go off and enjoy college.
Speaker 1: But he's not a tourist. He's not a tortoise. That
Speaker 1: is not being agist, That is being human life spanist.
Speaker 1: One thing we know for certain is this, we have
Speaker 1: two candidates who are chronologically outside the norm of any
Speaker 1: one who has run for the presidency in this country
Speaker 1: in the history of this country. They are the oldest
Speaker 1: people ever to run for president, breaking by only four
Speaker 1: years the record that they sat the last time they ran.
Speaker 1: They are at the age. They are objectively old. They're
Speaker 1: at the age. There are no more age related milestones
Speaker 1: to hint. They got the RP card, They've got Social Security,
Speaker 1: they've got their movie discounts. There is no oh wait
Speaker 1: till you hit eighty eight, you get to drink and drive. No,
Speaker 1: the only thing left to them is a Today Show
Speaker 1: Smucker's shout out. You know what, I think We've got
Speaker 1: a new name for our election coverage. In Decision twenty
Speaker 1: twenty four Antiques Roadshow. All right, look, here's where I'm entire.
Speaker 1: We're not suggesting neither man is vibrant, productive, or even capable,
Speaker 1: but they're both stretching the limits of being able to
Speaker 1: handle the toughest job in the world. What's crazy is
Speaker 1: thinking that we're the ones, as voters, who must silence
Speaker 1: concerns and criticisms. It is the candidate's job to assuage concerns,
Speaker 1: not the voter's job not to mention them. And look,
Speaker 1: I'm not trying to be I'm not trying to be cruel.
Speaker 1: I didn't want to. I don't want to have to
Speaker 1: do this on my first day. Come over here, look
Speaker 1: at me. Look what time hath throught? Right, Give the
Speaker 1: kids a tree of the lunar's surface. Here, look at this.
Speaker 1: I'm like twenty years younger than these men.
Speaker 7: This.
Speaker 1: Look at this they wish by the way, you're like,
Speaker 1: you know, you know, here's the truth. And if you think, like, oh,
Speaker 1: twenty years isn't that long, this is me twenty years ago.
Speaker 9: Yeah, yeah, I agree, And perhaps it was my mistake
Speaker 9: for sleeping in a meat dehydrator.
Speaker 1: Look, Joe Biden, isn't Donald Trump he hasn't been indicted
Speaker 1: as many times, hasn't had as many fraudulent businesses, or
Speaker 1: been convicted in a civil trial for sexual assault, or
Speaker 1: been ordered to pay defamation and had his charities disbanded
Speaker 1: or stiff to shit on a blue collar tradesman he'd hired.
Speaker 1: Should we even get to the grab the pussy stuff?
Speaker 1: Probably not. But the stakes of this election don't make
Speaker 1: Donald Trump's opponent less subject to scrutiny. It actually makes
Speaker 1: him more subject to scrutiny. If the barbarians are at
Speaker 1: the gate, you want Conan standing on the ramparts, not
Speaker 1: chuck it Chip cookie g So what's the good news?
Speaker 1: That was not rhetorical framing. I'm literally asking you. Look
Speaker 1: the next nine months or so, and maybe more than that,
Speaker 1: depending on the coup schedule, they're gonna suck. You're gonna
Speaker 1: be getting emails with insane subject lines like hello John,
Speaker 1: it's Chuck Schumer. Donald Trump is right behind you with
Speaker 1: a knife. The name You're going to get in dated
Speaker 1: with robocalls and push polls and real polls, and people
Speaker 1: are going to tell you to rock the vote and
Speaker 1: be the vote, and vote the vote and finger bang
Speaker 1: the vote. And it's all going to make you feel
Speaker 1: like Tuesday, November fifth, is the only day that matters,
Speaker 1: and that day does matter. But man, November six ain't
Speaker 1: nothing to sneeze at or November seventh. If your guy loses,
Speaker 1: bad things might happen, but the country is not over,
Speaker 1: and if your guy wins, the country is in no
Speaker 1: way saved. I've learned one thing over these last nine years,
Speaker 1: and I was glib at best and probably dismissive at
Speaker 1: worst about this. The work of making this world resemble
Speaker 1: one that you would prefer to live in is a
Speaker 1: lunch pale job, day in and day out, where thousands
Speaker 1: of committed, anonymous, smart and dedicated people bang on closed
Speaker 1: doors and pick up those that are fallen, and grind
Speaker 1: away on issues till they get a positive result, and
Speaker 1: even then have to stay on to make sure that
Speaker 1: result holds. So the good news is I'm not saying
Speaker 1: you don't have to worry about who wins the election.
Speaker 1: I'm saying you have to worry about every day before
Speaker 1: it and every day after forever. Although on the plus side,
Speaker 1: I am told that at some point the sun will
Speaker 1: run out of hydrogen.
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