Speaker 1: Pushkin him and I'm going in. I have a question
Speaker 1: for you. I have been struggling with an inability to
Speaker 1: orgasm with anyone else around. This is one of the
Speaker 1: most common orgasm difficulties that people experience, and it's highly treatable.
Speaker 1: I'm Emilinagaski and this is the Come as You Are
Speaker 1: podcast where I answer questions about sex with science. In
Speaker 1: this episode, I'm going to be answering to listener questions
Speaker 1: about orgasm. I get so many questions about orgasm, but
Speaker 1: these two are specifically about surrendering to sensation, letting go,
Speaker 1: and I mean that in two ways. I do mean
Speaker 1: it in terms of letting go of judgment, letting go
Speaker 1: of worrying about your body or worrying about your orgasm
Speaker 1: while you're trying to have an orgasm. But I also
Speaker 1: mean it in terms of surrendering to sensation, turning toward
Speaker 1: the physiological process of orgasm in your body and just
Speaker 1: noticing it, allowing it to happen, paying attention with curiosity
Speaker 1: and patience. Here to bring me today's questions is my
Speaker 1: producer mo Hi mo Hi. Emily, how are you feeling.
Speaker 1: I'm still recovering from COVID. I'm so sorry. Do you
Speaker 1: have COVID? Yeah, we're cutting out all your COVID coughs
Speaker 1: from this episode. Just yes. For the listeners at home,
Speaker 1: I'm doing great. I love answering these questions. You've gotten
Speaker 1: a lot of listener questions in the past few weeks,
Speaker 1: and one of the most common topics we get questions
Speaker 1: about is orgasm. And one thing I noticed is just like,
Speaker 1: there are a lot of misconceptions about it that I'm
Speaker 1: hearing in questions. Yes, this is something I encounter all
Speaker 1: the time as a sex educator, even when I'm training
Speaker 1: medical professionals and therapists. Sometimes people approach orgasm like art.
Speaker 1: They know what it feels like, but there's no way
Speaker 1: to define it. There is a physiological process of orgasm
Speaker 1: that is helpful to know, and there is a brain
Speaker 1: function of orgasm that might even be more important. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, Yes, did you learn any of that in
Speaker 1: school ever? Like, are you kidding me? No, I went
Speaker 1: to public school in North Carolina that no one said
Speaker 1: the word orgasm. You'd be suspended for saying the word.
Speaker 1: That makes my education from romance novels seem actually pretty good,
Speaker 1: which what I learned about was spiraling and a cloud
Speaker 1: enveloped in ecstasy. Okay, yeah, there's a really big mismatch
Speaker 1: and like fiction and descriptions of orgasm and how it
Speaker 1: actually feels before we get into the questions, there is
Speaker 1: just so much misinformation and bad media representation out there
Speaker 1: about orgasms, like what they look like, what they feel like,
Speaker 1: and how they work. So what science do we need
Speaker 1: to know about orgasms before we get into these questions? Okay, first,
Speaker 1: let us begin with the mind blower. Orgasm happens in
Speaker 1: the brain. Orgasm is a brain process. It's really not
Speaker 1: about what's happening in the genitals. That means all the
Speaker 1: difficulties that people may have with orgasm, whether it's having
Speaker 1: orgasms faster than they want to or slower than they
Speaker 1: want to, or not having them, all of that is
Speaker 1: happening in the brain. And we can train our brains.
Speaker 1: We can change our experience of orgasm through a process
Speaker 1: of practice and learning. Okay, first, fucking wow, And second,
Speaker 1: can you just tell me your definition of what an
Speaker 1: orgasm is from a physiological perspective? Yes, I sort of
Speaker 1: invented my own definition, going back to the classic American
Speaker 1: sex researchers Masters and Johnson and Kinsey. From their work,
Speaker 1: I developed the very simple basic definition that orgasm is
Speaker 1: the spontaneous, involuntary release of tension generated in response to
Speaker 1: sex related stimuli. The spontaneous involuntary release of tension. That's
Speaker 1: physical tension in your muscles that was generated in response
Speaker 1: to sex related stimuli. Notice I don't say anything about
Speaker 1: what body parts are involved. I don't say anything about
Speaker 1: how it feels, whether it feels good or not, because
Speaker 1: the perception of any sensation is dependent on the context
Speaker 1: in which we experience in it. And let's just make
Speaker 1: sure we say for the record that yes, this episode
Speaker 1: is about orgasm, but orgasm is not the most important
Speaker 1: thing about sex. Orgasm is only as important as you
Speaker 1: decide it is. The Only thing that matters about your
Speaker 1: orgasm is whether or not you wanted and liked it.
Speaker 1: And again, orcasm isn't actually the point of partner sex
Speaker 1: or masturbation. Pleasure is the point. Okay, Emily, are you
Speaker 1: ready to hear the first question? Yes, I can't wait.
Speaker 1: This one's from el her pronouncers she her, and she
Speaker 1: accidentally gave us her real name in the question, So
Speaker 1: I cut it out, and we're just going to refer
Speaker 1: to her as l I. Emily. I have been struggling
Speaker 1: with an inability to orgasm with anyone else around. Is
Speaker 1: always I'm by myself. I always need porn to get
Speaker 1: turned on. Mentally, I can do it with a vibrator
Speaker 1: or with my fingers, but it's like the presence of
Speaker 1: another person. It takes me right out of the game mentally,
Speaker 1: even though I'm enjoying myself and I'm very much in
Speaker 1: love and secure with my partner. It's something that's been
Speaker 1: stumping me for a very long time. I've never been
Speaker 1: able to come with another person in the room, just
Speaker 1: mentally completely like not there any in sight. It would
Speaker 1: be great, very strange problem, Thank you bye. This is
Speaker 1: one of the most common orgasm difficulties that people experience,
Speaker 1: and it's highly treatable. Okay, so how do you do that?
Speaker 1: So to begin with, people love it when stuff has
Speaker 1: names and the diagnostic name for this. I'm not a clinician,
Speaker 1: but this does meet the diagnostic criteria for secondary an orgasmia.
Speaker 1: So an orgasmia just means lack of orgasm, and secondary
Speaker 1: means that it's a person who has orgasms under some
Speaker 1: circumstances but not under other circumstances, as opposed to primary
Speaker 1: in orgasmia, which is where a person has not yet
Speaker 1: ever experienced an orgasm to their knowledge. So l is
Speaker 1: off to a great start. She can have orgasms in
Speaker 1: at least two different ways, both with a vibrator and
Speaker 1: with her fingers, which is spectacular. That means there's more
Speaker 1: than one context where her brain has access to the
Speaker 1: right stimulation in order to get to orgasm. Hooray. What
Speaker 1: that tells me also is that she knows how to
Speaker 1: search for and find more and more kinds of context
Speaker 1: that grant her brain access to orgasm. So let's start
Speaker 1: with like the basics of how arousal and orgasm work.
Speaker 1: The mechanism in your brain. Many people are already reciting
Speaker 1: this with me. The mechanism in your brain that governs
Speaker 1: sexual response is called the dual control mechanism. If it's
Speaker 1: called the dual control mechanism, how many parts does it have? Two?
Speaker 1: And if I tell you the first part is the breaks,
Speaker 1: then the other part must be the accelerator gas pedal
Speaker 1: the accelerator. I'm cheating because I've heard you say that's
Speaker 1: a few times. Yes, of course, because this is this
Speaker 1: is the thing I say so the accelerator or gas pedal,
Speaker 1: it's technically called the sexual excitation system. It notices all
Speaker 1: the sex related information in the environment. Right that's everything
Speaker 1: that you can see, everything you hear, everything you smell,
Speaker 1: touch or taste, and everything that you think, believe or
Speaker 1: imagine that your brain interprets as sex related and it
Speaker 1: sends the turn on signal that many of us are
Speaker 1: familiar with. Right. That is the accelerator. That's the beginning
Speaker 1: of the arousal process, and it's functioning all the time subconsciously,
Speaker 1: including right now here we are talking about sex. That's
Speaker 1: just a tiny little bit of sex related stimuli. And
Speaker 1: so you're experiencing just a tiny little bit of activation
Speaker 1: of your accelerator. So you're saying, it would make sense
Speaker 1: if listeners are feeling just a bit turned on just
Speaker 1: hearing about orchasms right now, I mean, you are receiving
Speaker 1: this tiny little bit of sex related stimuli. So yes,
Speaker 1: but fortunately, at the same time, in parallel, you have
Speaker 1: breaks that are noticing all the good reasons not to
Speaker 1: be turned on. Right now, everything that you see here, smell, touch,
Speaker 1: or taste and everything that you think, believe or imagine
Speaker 1: that your brain codes as a potential threat when it
Speaker 1: notices any of that stuff, your breaks and to turn
Speaker 1: off signal. So the process of becoming aroused is a
Speaker 1: dual process of turning on those ons, receiving that sex
Speaker 1: related input, and also turning off the offs, getting rid
Speaker 1: of all those potential threat stimuli. Does that make sense
Speaker 1: so far? Yes? Absolutely, So you had the accelerator in
Speaker 1: the breaks, and what's going on with l in this
Speaker 1: circumstance with her accelerator and braakes, do you think right? So,
Speaker 1: when she's by herself, either with her hand or with
Speaker 1: her vibrator, she can sufficiently activate the accelerator to get
Speaker 1: to really very high level of sexual arousal such that
Speaker 1: she crosses a threshold generating all this tension in her
Speaker 1: body or this physical tension in your body. Anyone who's
Speaker 1: had an orgasm might recognize. And that happens because she's
Speaker 1: got plenty abundant stimulation to the accelerator and not too
Speaker 1: much stuff activating the brakes. Now we take this same brain,
Speaker 1: the same body, the same kind of stimulation even and
Speaker 1: we change the context. We put another person in the room.
Speaker 1: Her brain is interpreting that other person as something that
Speaker 1: hits the brakes. And even though this is a person
Speaker 1: she loves and feels really confident with, still somewhere in
Speaker 1: her life her brain got trained to interpret the presence
Speaker 1: of another person as something that hits the brakes, even
Speaker 1: a person she loves and trusts. Right. So I reached
Speaker 1: out to l to hear more about her situation, and
Speaker 1: she is aware that it's the presence of another person
Speaker 1: that's the barrier for her, but she's just struggling to
Speaker 1: figure out how to move past it. So let me
Speaker 1: tell you a few of the things she has tried
Speaker 1: so far. Oh. Sure, she has tried using vibrators during
Speaker 1: sex with her boyfriend. She has tried him giving her
Speaker 1: oral sex, him masturbating her like manually. Ye are there more? Yeah? So,
Speaker 1: she says that when she's by herself, she uses porn.
Speaker 1: She watches porn, and that always does the trick. So
Speaker 1: porn is a great example of a stimulation that activates
Speaker 1: the accelerator. Mmmmmmm. So she tried watching it with her boyfriend,
Speaker 1: but she said that backfired. That really did not work,
Speaker 1: and she thinks the opposite. I'm helpful, totally, the opposite
Speaker 1: of helpful. All the shame and embarrassment from growing up
Speaker 1: in the Catholic church kicked in and she was like,
Speaker 1: that did not work. That was a solo that's a
Speaker 1: solo activity for me. And so those are the things
Speaker 1: that she has tried with her boyfriend, and none of
Speaker 1: those things have helped her that she even orgasm with
Speaker 1: him present. So what could she tried next? Yeah, So
Speaker 1: the next step, from my point of view, is to
Speaker 1: focus not on activating the accelerator more, but on getting
Speaker 1: rid of the stuff that's hitting the brakes. And because
Speaker 1: her situation is so specific, I mean you looking at
Speaker 1: the question, you can tell what's hitting the brakes, right, Yeah, absolutely,
Speaker 1: and she knows too. It's her partner. The living, breathing
Speaker 1: is the partner. Yeah, that's there with her. Yeah. So
Speaker 1: what a sex therapist would probably recommend is a process
Speaker 1: of graded exposure where she very gradually increases the presence
Speaker 1: of her partner in the room with her. So the
Speaker 1: therapist would probably have her maybe make index cards on
Speaker 1: a scale of zero to ten. So ten is definitely
Speaker 1: going to be living, breathing human in the room with me,
Speaker 1: for sure. Zero is going to be other human being,
Speaker 1: isn't even in my home, doors locked, no chance of
Speaker 1: being interrupted. That's a zero, no chance of my breaks
Speaker 1: being hit by this particular stimulus. And then graded between
Speaker 1: zero and ten are going to be things like having
Speaker 1: a photograph of my partner visible while I'm masturbating in
Speaker 1: the way that I masturbate. It would probably make sense,
Speaker 1: given that she's not likely to be interested in masturbating
Speaker 1: with porn with her partner to practice these exercises without porn.
Speaker 1: So step one, let's say it's a photograph of her partner,
Speaker 1: so that the eyeballs are there to be seen, but
Speaker 1: there's no physical human in the room. Okay, so we're
Speaker 1: going full nineteen forty five Sears catalog style masturbating to
Speaker 1: a picture I would never have boughtowed that, and then
Speaker 1: maybe they decide that around like a six. Once she's
Speaker 1: able to orgasm at level one, level two, level three,
Speaker 1: maybe somewhere in the middle is going to be masturbating
Speaker 1: with him on the other side of the door, knowing
Speaker 1: that he's there and could potentially hear what's happening. Right,
Speaker 1: So that's definitely an increase in exposure. Right. Eventually, you
Speaker 1: get to a point where not only is the partner present,
Speaker 1: but they also could potentially be hearing what's going on.
Speaker 1: And then maybe you get to masturbating to orgasm without porn,
Speaker 1: with your partner in the room, but completely in the
Speaker 1: dark so you can't see the person. This is a
Speaker 1: very intense challenge, right because this means that the living,
Speaker 1: breathing human is in the room. You can't see them,
Speaker 1: but you know for sure they're there. And what's happening
Speaker 1: is you're gradually building up your breaks comfort with the
Speaker 1: presence of another person. So you are training your breaks
Speaker 1: not to interpret the presence of your partner as something
Speaker 1: that it needs to respond to. Right now, ELL's breaks
Speaker 1: treat her partner as like slam on the breaks, emergency stop.
Speaker 1: What will happen gradually is that it responds less and
Speaker 1: less to that stimulus, until eventually her partner can be
Speaker 1: present and her breaks don't even notice. Okay, so that's
Speaker 1: the science of what's happening. But like, why are those
Speaker 1: breaks even coming on at all culturally personally, especially with
Speaker 1: someone that you really love and trust. How did that happen?
Speaker 1: The answer is the patriarchy. So many people, especially those
Speaker 1: of us who are raised as girls are taught to
Speaker 1: shift all of our attention to the other persons wants
Speaker 1: and needs when that other person is present. Even if
Speaker 1: you know how to orgasm independently, once that other person
Speaker 1: shows up, you just block off everything about your own
Speaker 1: pleasure because you're too busy worrying about their wants and needs,
Speaker 1: making sure their expectations are met. You're worrying that you're
Speaker 1: taking too long. You're wondering if they're bored. You're wondering,
Speaker 1: you're feeling self critical, like you should have been able
Speaker 1: to come by now, and that self criticism is just
Speaker 1: more stuff hitting the break. So you're gradually training your
Speaker 1: brain not to activate all that ancient stuff that you
Speaker 1: absorbed about gender roles at some early part in your life.
Speaker 1: Does that make sense? That makes a lot of sense.
Speaker 1: I'm telling you the patriarchy interferes with our orgasms. If
Speaker 1: we want to have great orgasms, if our partners want
Speaker 1: us to have great orgasms, we all got to collaborate
Speaker 1: to dismantle the patriarchy because it is super messing with
Speaker 1: our orgasms. We really need to get that written into
Speaker 1: the feminist agenda. Can you talk a little bit more
Speaker 1: about what else, like culturally, socially or culturally could be
Speaker 1: hitting the breaks. Is that even possible. I'm just gonna say,
Speaker 1: body image, body image, mic drop. So there's a lot
Speaker 1: of cultural stuff that could be hitting anyone's breaks. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so many other kinds of things. She said she was
Speaker 1: raised Catholic, which I think a lot of people who
Speaker 1: are raised Catholic have told me that they were taught
Speaker 1: to feel ashamed even of the fact that they were
Speaker 1: experienced curiosity about sex, never mind sexual pleasure, arousal orgasm.
Speaker 1: For someone to see you, it's like getting caught. Many
Speaker 1: people who are raised religious, especially in a religion like Catholicism,
Speaker 1: with this idea that God can see everything that you do. Actually,
Speaker 1: I don't know for sure if that is a Catholic thing.
Speaker 1: I would have to Catholic I was okay. Also, yeah,
Speaker 1: many people with that background experience even masturbation. They're like,
Speaker 1: God can see me doing this, and that alone can
Speaker 1: make it complicated and difficult, and they've had to overcome
Speaker 1: that level of being observed while they're with their body,
Speaker 1: and they might even develop a slightly unhelpful masturbation patterns
Speaker 1: because they just want to do it fast. They want
Speaker 1: to get it over with so that they have as
Speaker 1: little shame as possible. So for that last bit of
Speaker 1: advice for L, I would say, do that graded exposure activity.
Speaker 1: Even if you don't have access to a therapist, you
Speaker 1: can try it on your own. But also try masturbating
Speaker 1: without orgasm. Allow your body to experience sensation without any
Speaker 1: destination in mind, with no particular time limit. Just allow
Speaker 1: the pleasure to be what it is, let it grow
Speaker 1: as much as it wants to, and just notice what
Speaker 1: that feels like. No judgment. Ah, sounds like best Sunday
Speaker 1: afternoon ever. Right. Oh, this is so fun. I can't
Speaker 1: believe this is my job. Okay, after the break, I'm
Speaker 1: going to bring you another question about orgasm, and this
Speaker 1: one is about that sensation of needing to pee, and
Speaker 1: I'm very curious what you have to say. We're back
Speaker 1: with our second question about orgasm. Emily, are you ready?
Speaker 1: I'm ready? Okay, Hi Emily, my name is Meg. I
Speaker 1: go about to pronounce to her. I have a question
Speaker 1: regarding orgasm and the sensation of feeling like needing tom pee.
Speaker 1: I've heard a lot of different answers about this, and
Speaker 1: some people say to just if you feel like you
Speaker 1: need to pe, just like let the feeling go, or
Speaker 1: maybe it's not pa it's worked, And I'm getting very
Speaker 1: confused and I don't want it to be on my partner.
Speaker 1: So I'm just a little confused on that and what
Speaker 1: I maybe I should be doing in that case, if
Speaker 1: there is anything that someone should be doing, if that
Speaker 1: makes sense. So I would love your thoughts on that.
Speaker 1: Thank you have a good day. You know. Now I
Speaker 1: want to make sure that my assumption is correct that
Speaker 1: we're talking about penis and vagina sex or manual X
Speaker 1: that involves vaginal penetration. Well, I also assumed we were
Speaker 1: talking about vaginal penetration because to be straight up, that
Speaker 1: is the time that I experienced that sensation of feeling
Speaker 1: like I need to pee. Yeah, that is that is
Speaker 1: the most typical time, and the mechanism is really clear.
Speaker 1: But I followed up with Meg and she said she
Speaker 1: mostly experiences this sensation when she is masturbating with clatoral stimulation.
Speaker 1: And then she said, you know, thinking about this question
Speaker 1: a little bit more, I've only ever had one orgasm
Speaker 1: with partnered sex, and it's hard for me to know
Speaker 1: if that's a normal number for me, or if the
Speaker 1: sensation of needing to pee is part of the problem
Speaker 1: of holding back, you know, having an orgasm with a partner. Sure,
Speaker 1: so this might be another example of funny and more
Speaker 1: difficult to have an orgasm when there's another person present.
Speaker 1: Might be having trouble having an orgasm during penis and
Speaker 1: vagina sex, which is one hundred percent normal. Probably only
Speaker 1: about a quarter of six gender women are reliably orgasmic
Speaker 1: from what the researchers call unassisted intercourse, and the rest
Speaker 1: are sometimes rarely or never orgasmic that way. The simple
Speaker 1: explanation being that the vagina is very far away from
Speaker 1: the clitterests, and a lot of people if you've got
Speaker 1: a clitterist, that's really sort of the hokey pokey it's
Speaker 1: what it's all about, not for everybody. I have absolutely
Speaker 1: had people say to me like, my clitterest is not
Speaker 1: the thing for me, I really and the vaginant is
Speaker 1: not the thing for me. It's external anal stimulation that
Speaker 1: really gets me there. Am I normally yes, yes, absolutely.
Speaker 1: People vary. So even though a lot of sex educators,
Speaker 1: including me, generalize to be like the clitterest, it's what
Speaker 1: it's all about suit turn tables and a microphone. That's
Speaker 1: not the case for everybody, but this is someone who's
Speaker 1: masturbating with stimulation of the clip. So that's the kind
Speaker 1: of stimulation that increases her arousal level to near organ
Speaker 1: So why would it ever feel like you have to pee?
Speaker 1: The reason you and I kind of make that assumption
Speaker 1: that it's about vaginal stimulation is because there's an obvious
Speaker 1: mechanism for that. When there's something in your vagina, there's
Speaker 1: not necessarily anything particularly close to your clutteris, but there
Speaker 1: is something really close to your wrethra and your bladder
Speaker 1: and your yourreth real opening, or as I learned it
Speaker 1: when I was eighteen years old, your yourrethral meatis you remember,
Speaker 1: because you got a hole in your meat, your eth meatis.
Speaker 1: Had to memorize. It was said to me one time,
Speaker 1: and all these years later, it's still the thing I
Speaker 1: am teaching how to remember what the urethral opening is called. Technically.
Speaker 1: Oh great, now I'm gonna remember that forever and everyone
Speaker 1: else who hears this. You're a welcome world. So when
Speaker 1: there's something in your vagina, you have stimulation that is
Speaker 1: very close to your bladder, your wreath, and your urethromiatis,
Speaker 1: and back when you were a little baby and learning
Speaker 1: how to be potty trained, your brain gradually learned that
Speaker 1: particular sensations from particular parts of your body were predictive
Speaker 1: of certain needs. A certain pressure around your bladder or
Speaker 1: around your urethra meant oh, you have to pee. So
Speaker 1: now you get to a time when you're on purpose
Speaker 1: having people put stuff in your vagina, your brain is like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: anything in that general area means need to pee, and
Speaker 1: it's just overinterpreting the sensations of your body is like,
Speaker 1: that's in the vicinity of the peace sensations, So I'm
Speaker 1: just going to decide that's peace sensation. Like you can
Speaker 1: pee and empty your bladder before you start having sex.
Speaker 1: You know that your bladder is empty, and yet your
Speaker 1: brain is still going to receive that sensation and be like,
Speaker 1: as far where as I know, anything in that general
Speaker 1: area means pay. But you have to teach your brain
Speaker 1: there's the urge to p and then there's this other
Speaker 1: thing which is right next door kind of literally, but
Speaker 1: is actually a really different sensation. And over time, with practice,
Speaker 1: your brain will learn not to interpret that sensation as
Speaker 1: a need to p. Just allow yourself to relax into
Speaker 1: that sensation. Don't worry about it, because we know that
Speaker 1: worrying about things just hits the breaks and makes it
Speaker 1: more difficult to experience pleasure and access orgasm. You know
Speaker 1: you're not going to pee because you know your bladder
Speaker 1: is empty, and you're gradually exposing your brain to this
Speaker 1: actually really specific sensation of having something in your vagina.
Speaker 1: It's rarer to hear of a person whose brain interprets
Speaker 1: clitteral stimulation as a need to p, but it could
Speaker 1: easily be the same sort of phenomenon where anything down
Speaker 1: there is interpreted by the brain as a need to pee.
Speaker 1: Another thing that's happening is that the big internal structures
Speaker 1: of the clitteress are swelling with arousal. And everyone's body
Speaker 1: is laid out differently and uniquely, and it may be
Speaker 1: that the big internal swollen parts of her clitterus. We
Speaker 1: know that they straddle the urethra and the urethra sponge
Speaker 1: and all of that tissue. So maybe the internal structures
Speaker 1: of the clitteress are actually creating sensations around the urethra
Speaker 1: and so same thing where through this internal stimulation. She's
Speaker 1: actually getting urethral signals. Does that make sense, Yeah, it
Speaker 1: does make sense. I think though, that we're assuming that
Speaker 1: the sensation of meaning to pee, if she were to
Speaker 1: release it, would actually cause her to p And then
Speaker 1: that gets to the second part of her because if
Speaker 1: a person's bladder is empty before they start sex, the
Speaker 1: odds of them needing to pee again mere minutes later,
Speaker 1: even twenty minutes an hour later, you just don't need
Speaker 1: to pee that badly unless you've been like hyperhydrating or
Speaker 1: are in the middle of dehydrating from having been retaining fluids.
Speaker 1: It's just not that likely. Okay, So if she empties
Speaker 1: her bladder before she starts either masturbation or sex, and
Speaker 1: is not drinking, not super hydrating in between, then anything
Speaker 1: that comes out is not going to be pee. Okay,
Speaker 1: let's talk about it. Then what would it be? Well,
Speaker 1: it could be well, oh man, now we have to
Speaker 1: get into scorting, which is like a whole thing in
Speaker 1: and of itself real quick. It could be that she's
Speaker 1: experiencing sensations around the glands at the mouth of the
Speaker 1: urethral opening. These glands are the source of the comparatively
Speaker 1: small volume of external ejaculate that can sometimes beep squirting.
Speaker 1: It's what happens with intense pressure around the genitals, often
Speaker 1: accompanied by orgasm, though not always, but it could very
Speaker 1: well be that if something comes out, it's just this
Speaker 1: little bit of fluid tablespoon or so from the skens
Speaker 1: glands around the urethra. Can I just say that is
Speaker 1: the sensation of having your skens glands swallow up? Is
Speaker 1: that similar to the sensation needing to pe? It can
Speaker 1: be again because your brain, because it's sort of new
Speaker 1: when you first begin having mashibatory or partnered stimulation of
Speaker 1: the genitals, it's this new kind of sensation. Your brain
Speaker 1: has to learn how to understand those sensations. So as
Speaker 1: your brain gets practice, it will differentiate that sensation from
Speaker 1: the general urge to p or pressure from the bladder specifically,
Speaker 1: And what would practice look like. It sounds like she's
Speaker 1: not really interested in having this happen with a partner,
Speaker 1: So practice is definitely going to mean on your own
Speaker 1: experiencing that sensation of pressure of the bladder, the sensation
Speaker 1: that your brain is interpreting as urgency to pee, relaxing
Speaker 1: into it, allowing your arousal to increase, like softening your
Speaker 1: body into that sensation, not worrying about it. You allow
Speaker 1: the pressure to build. It will grow and grow, and
Speaker 1: you allow it. You relax into that sensation. We're not
Speaker 1: even going to call it pleasure because right now it's
Speaker 1: just a sensation. It's just a thing your body is doing,
Speaker 1: and it's you can be curious about it. Well, this
Speaker 1: is fascinating. I wonder what happens if I keep going.
Speaker 1: You're practicing having that do I have to pee kind
Speaker 1: of sensation without letting it hit the brakes. It's actually
Speaker 1: really similar to Elle's question, where you're doing this kind
Speaker 1: of graded exposure. You're aware of it and you're still safe.
Speaker 1: So session after session, you move closer and closer to
Speaker 1: a higher intensity of stimulation and you allow it to grow.
Speaker 1: You notice that your brain is now fretting and worrying
Speaker 1: what if it's p and you just set that thought aside.
Speaker 1: You put it on the back burner, and you return
Speaker 1: your attention to the sensations that are happening in your body.
Speaker 1: And then the worry comes along again and you're like, hello, worry,
Speaker 1: We're just going to set you over to the side,
Speaker 1: and I'm just going to pay attention to what the
Speaker 1: sensation is. It is, in fact a mindfulness practice of
Speaker 1: being able to experience something without being worried about it,
Speaker 1: like noting, yes, I don't have an opinion about it.
Speaker 1: I just that's a thing that's happening and that's not
Speaker 1: what I'm paying attention to right now. And if it
Speaker 1: helps to have a waterproof blanket on your bed, have
Speaker 1: a waterproof We have a lot in my house because
Speaker 1: we have dogs, and aging dogs have a lot of incontinences,
Speaker 1: so we have a lot of waterfrool. Like it's a
Speaker 1: very normal, ordinary thing to go buy is a waterproof
Speaker 1: sheet and put it under you and if anything comes out,
Speaker 1: that's fascinating, I wonder what that could be, because it's
Speaker 1: definitely not p because I emptied my bladder. And it's
Speaker 1: important for me to say that if you're squirting, even
Speaker 1: if it is urine, the only measure of whether it's
Speaker 1: right or wrong is whether or not you like it.
Speaker 1: And if you don't like it, then okay, don't do that.
Speaker 1: And if you do like it, who cares if it's p.
Speaker 1: Literally we're trained to control our bladders very early in
Speaker 1: our lives and often a lot of us are trained
Speaker 1: to associate a feeling of shame and failure when we
Speaker 1: don't control our bladders. And that's all just learned. Like
Speaker 1: p is not dangerous, it is sterile, it's okay, sort of.
Speaker 1: The radical way to approach us is to say, I
Speaker 1: am not ashamed of my bodily functions, and my body
Speaker 1: can do what it wants to do. It can release fluids,
Speaker 1: it can make them mess especially for women, were taught
Speaker 1: not to be messy and not to take up space.
Speaker 1: So nothing to be ashamed of happening here. It's difficult.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that's easy. So hard, but it can be.
Speaker 1: It can be powerful and rewarding to recognize that everything
Speaker 1: that you're experiencing is completely normal, and there is no
Speaker 1: sensation that your body can produce that is in and
Speaker 1: of itself dangerous. No genital sensation that isn't pain is
Speaker 1: indicative of the medical problem. You can allow it to
Speaker 1: be what it is and be safe. All right, Let's
Speaker 1: take a quick break, and when we get back, I
Speaker 1: want you to tie up this episode and everything we've
Speaker 1: learned about orgasms. All right, we're back. Let's wrap this
Speaker 1: puppy up. We have learned so much about orgasm as
Speaker 1: a brain process, and I've learned for the first time
Speaker 1: that anyone can learn to have orgasm, or change their orgasms,
Speaker 1: or improve their orgasms by basically turning off the office,
Speaker 1: turning on the ons, and relaxing into sensation. Yeah, great questions.
Speaker 1: Orgasm questions tend to be great. And going back to
Speaker 1: what I was saying at the beginning of this episode
Speaker 1: about like letting go and surrendering to pleasure, that's the
Speaker 1: first step kind of no matter what struggle you're having
Speaker 1: with orgasm, because again, orgasm is a brain process, and
Speaker 1: so interventions are brain interventions. So whether you're trying to
Speaker 1: really enjoy the orgasms you already have, or you would
Speaker 1: like your orgasms to last longer, you'd like to have
Speaker 1: orgasms more easily, or you want to have your first orgasm,
Speaker 1: wherever you're at, Step one is allowing your body to
Speaker 1: surrender to the sensations, whatever is happening in this moment,
Speaker 1: and while you're doing that, let go of all the
Speaker 1: stress and worry and fear or shame about whether or
Speaker 1: not you're doing it right, or whether or not it's
Speaker 1: supposed to be functioning. Differently, or are you even having orgasms?
Speaker 1: Is this an orgasm right now? When you can allow
Speaker 1: your body to surrender to the sensation and to let
Speaker 1: go of the fear. When you do that pretty difficult
Speaker 1: mental work, that's how you get to kind of orgasms
Speaker 1: you don't even know exist until you have them. Your
Speaker 1: whole body is like a bell that's ringing. Commas You
Speaker 1: Are is a production of Pushkin Industries and Madison Wells.
Speaker 1: It's hosted by Emily Nagosky. You can find Emily on
Speaker 1: Instagram at e Nagowsky and on Twitter at Emily Nagosky.
Speaker 1: You can also sign up for her newsletter at Emily
Speaker 1: Nagosky dot com, where she writes about everything from the
Speaker 1: clitterest in your mind to orgasm after having hysterectom. It's
Speaker 1: an incredible newsletter. Highly recommended. This show is co hosted
Speaker 1: and lead produced by me Mola Board. You can find
Speaker 1: me online at Molaboard and on TikTok at podcast dot
Speaker 1: slut Sorry mom. My co producer on this show is
Speaker 1: the fabulous Brittany Brown. Our editor is Kate Parkinson Morgan.
Speaker 1: Sound design and mix by Anne Pope. Executive producers are
Speaker 1: Mia LaBelle and leetal Malade at Pushkin thanks to Heather Fane,
Speaker 1: Carly Migliori, Sophie Crane, Courtney Guarino, Jason Gambrel, Julia Barton,
Speaker 1: John Schnars, and Jacob Weisberg. At Madison Wells thanks to
Speaker 1: Kylie Williams, Elizabeth Goodstein and Gg Pritzker. Additional thanks to
Speaker 1: Rich Stevens, Lindsay Edgecombe Frolic Media, and Peter Acker at
Speaker 1: Armadillo Audio Group. Original music for this series was composed
Speaker 1: by Ameliagowski and arranged and recorded by Alexandra Kalinovsky. Additional
Speaker 1: music from Epidemic Sound. You can find Pushkin on all
Speaker 1: social platforms at pushkin Pods, and you can sign up
Speaker 1: for our newsletter at pushkin dot Fm. If you love
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Speaker 1: find more Pushkin podcasts, listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: or wherever you like to listen. If there's just a
Speaker 1: small volume, the most likely story is that it was
Speaker 1: increased pressure in your skins glands and they just squirted
Speaker 1: out fluid. I don't know why I made that sound.
Speaker 1: That is not the sound makes That doesn't make a sound.