WEBVTT - How to Improve Your Orgasms 0:00:15.356 --> 0:00:27.316 Pushkin him and I'm going in. I have a question 0:00:27.356 --> 0:00:32.636 for you. I have been struggling with an inability to 0:00:33.676 --> 0:00:40.396 orgasm with anyone else around. This is one of the 0:00:40.436 --> 0:00:46.316 most common orgasm difficulties that people experience, and it's highly treatable. 0:00:49.756 --> 0:00:53.316 I'm Emilinagaski and this is the Come as You Are 0:00:53.556 --> 0:00:59.076 podcast where I answer questions about sex with science. In 0:00:59.116 --> 0:01:02.156 this episode, I'm going to be answering to listener questions 0:01:02.396 --> 0:01:10.916 about orgasm. I get so many questions about orgasm, but 0:01:11.076 --> 0:01:17.236 these two are specifically about surrendering to sensation, letting go, 0:01:17.996 --> 0:01:20.236 and I mean that in two ways. I do mean 0:01:20.276 --> 0:01:23.196 it in terms of letting go of judgment, letting go 0:01:23.476 --> 0:01:27.076 of worrying about your body or worrying about your orgasm 0:01:27.116 --> 0:01:29.916 while you're trying to have an orgasm. But I also 0:01:30.036 --> 0:01:35.796 mean it in terms of surrendering to sensation, turning toward 0:01:36.276 --> 0:01:40.436 the physiological process of orgasm in your body and just 0:01:40.676 --> 0:01:46.036 noticing it, allowing it to happen, paying attention with curiosity 0:01:46.156 --> 0:01:50.076 and patience. Here to bring me today's questions is my 0:01:50.196 --> 0:01:54.596 producer mo Hi mo Hi. Emily, how are you feeling. 0:01:54.716 --> 0:01:57.796 I'm still recovering from COVID. I'm so sorry. Do you 0:01:57.916 --> 0:02:00.956 have COVID? Yeah, we're cutting out all your COVID coughs 0:02:00.996 --> 0:02:03.436 from this episode. Just yes. For the listeners at home, 0:02:03.596 --> 0:02:07.156 I'm doing great. I love answering these questions. You've gotten 0:02:07.596 --> 0:02:10.636 a lot of listener questions in the past few weeks, 0:02:11.076 --> 0:02:13.516 and one of the most common topics we get questions 0:02:13.516 --> 0:02:17.836 about is orgasm. And one thing I noticed is just like, 0:02:17.996 --> 0:02:20.396 there are a lot of misconceptions about it that I'm 0:02:20.436 --> 0:02:26.556 hearing in questions. Yes, this is something I encounter all 0:02:26.556 --> 0:02:29.196 the time as a sex educator, even when I'm training 0:02:29.796 --> 0:02:33.956 medical professionals and therapists. Sometimes people approach orgasm like art. 0:02:33.996 --> 0:02:36.716 They know what it feels like, but there's no way 0:02:36.716 --> 0:02:41.916 to define it. There is a physiological process of orgasm 0:02:41.996 --> 0:02:44.596 that is helpful to know, and there is a brain 0:02:44.756 --> 0:02:49.796 function of orgasm that might even be more important. Oh 0:02:49.796 --> 0:02:51.796 my god, Yes, did you learn any of that in 0:02:51.836 --> 0:02:55.636 school ever? Like, are you kidding me? No, I went 0:02:55.676 --> 0:02:58.156 to public school in North Carolina that no one said 0:02:58.156 --> 0:03:00.356 the word orgasm. You'd be suspended for saying the word. 0:03:02.556 --> 0:03:06.316 That makes my education from romance novels seem actually pretty good, 0:03:06.396 --> 0:03:10.676 which what I learned about was spiraling and a cloud 0:03:10.916 --> 0:03:14.636 enveloped in ecstasy. Okay, yeah, there's a really big mismatch 0:03:14.676 --> 0:03:18.356 and like fiction and descriptions of orgasm and how it 0:03:18.396 --> 0:03:22.036 actually feels before we get into the questions, there is 0:03:22.076 --> 0:03:26.076 just so much misinformation and bad media representation out there 0:03:26.156 --> 0:03:29.196 about orgasms, like what they look like, what they feel like, 0:03:29.356 --> 0:03:32.196 and how they work. So what science do we need 0:03:32.236 --> 0:03:36.956 to know about orgasms before we get into these questions? Okay, first, 0:03:37.196 --> 0:03:42.516 let us begin with the mind blower. Orgasm happens in 0:03:42.556 --> 0:03:48.196 the brain. Orgasm is a brain process. It's really not 0:03:48.316 --> 0:03:52.476 about what's happening in the genitals. That means all the 0:03:52.676 --> 0:03:56.356 difficulties that people may have with orgasm, whether it's having 0:03:56.476 --> 0:03:59.396 orgasms faster than they want to or slower than they 0:03:59.396 --> 0:04:01.716 want to, or not having them, all of that is 0:04:01.716 --> 0:04:07.316 happening in the brain. And we can train our brains. 0:04:07.396 --> 0:04:11.756 We can change our experience of orgasm through a process 0:04:11.796 --> 0:04:17.316 of practice and learning. Okay, first, fucking wow, And second, 0:04:17.476 --> 0:04:20.316 can you just tell me your definition of what an 0:04:20.396 --> 0:04:24.356 orgasm is from a physiological perspective? Yes, I sort of 0:04:24.356 --> 0:04:28.716 invented my own definition, going back to the classic American 0:04:28.796 --> 0:04:33.396 sex researchers Masters and Johnson and Kinsey. From their work, 0:04:33.676 --> 0:04:37.916 I developed the very simple basic definition that orgasm is 0:04:37.956 --> 0:04:44.156 the spontaneous, involuntary release of tension generated in response to 0:04:44.396 --> 0:04:51.476 sex related stimuli. The spontaneous involuntary release of tension. That's 0:04:51.516 --> 0:04:55.436 physical tension in your muscles that was generated in response 0:04:55.476 --> 0:04:58.756 to sex related stimuli. Notice I don't say anything about 0:04:58.756 --> 0:05:01.436 what body parts are involved. I don't say anything about 0:05:01.796 --> 0:05:04.596 how it feels, whether it feels good or not, because 0:05:04.596 --> 0:05:07.876 the perception of any sensation is dependent on the context 0:05:07.916 --> 0:05:11.516 in which we experience in it. And let's just make 0:05:11.556 --> 0:05:15.116 sure we say for the record that yes, this episode 0:05:15.196 --> 0:05:18.156 is about orgasm, but orgasm is not the most important 0:05:18.156 --> 0:05:22.276 thing about sex. Orgasm is only as important as you 0:05:22.396 --> 0:05:25.796 decide it is. The Only thing that matters about your 0:05:25.916 --> 0:05:29.836 orgasm is whether or not you wanted and liked it. 0:05:30.196 --> 0:05:33.956 And again, orcasm isn't actually the point of partner sex 0:05:34.076 --> 0:05:40.676 or masturbation. Pleasure is the point. Okay, Emily, are you 0:05:40.756 --> 0:05:43.276 ready to hear the first question? Yes, I can't wait. 0:05:43.596 --> 0:05:46.476 This one's from el her pronouncers she her, and she 0:05:46.516 --> 0:05:49.116 accidentally gave us her real name in the question, So 0:05:49.156 --> 0:05:50.756 I cut it out, and we're just going to refer 0:05:50.836 --> 0:05:56.876 to her as l I. Emily. I have been struggling 0:05:57.036 --> 0:06:05.636 with an inability to orgasm with anyone else around. Is 0:06:05.836 --> 0:06:10.796 always I'm by myself. I always need porn to get 0:06:10.836 --> 0:06:15.636 turned on. Mentally, I can do it with a vibrator 0:06:15.796 --> 0:06:20.156 or with my fingers, but it's like the presence of 0:06:20.196 --> 0:06:23.876 another person. It takes me right out of the game mentally, 0:06:24.836 --> 0:06:29.196 even though I'm enjoying myself and I'm very much in 0:06:29.276 --> 0:06:32.956 love and secure with my partner. It's something that's been 0:06:32.996 --> 0:06:37.516 stumping me for a very long time. I've never been 0:06:37.516 --> 0:06:40.836 able to come with another person in the room, just 0:06:41.036 --> 0:06:47.196 mentally completely like not there any in sight. It would 0:06:47.236 --> 0:06:54.916 be great, very strange problem, Thank you bye. This is 0:06:55.036 --> 0:06:58.836 one of the most common orgasm difficulties that people experience, 0:06:59.396 --> 0:07:03.556 and it's highly treatable. Okay, so how do you do that? 0:07:03.836 --> 0:07:06.596 So to begin with, people love it when stuff has 0:07:06.756 --> 0:07:11.796 names and the diagnostic name for this. I'm not a clinician, 0:07:11.836 --> 0:07:17.116 but this does meet the diagnostic criteria for secondary an orgasmia. 0:07:17.476 --> 0:07:21.636 So an orgasmia just means lack of orgasm, and secondary 0:07:22.436 --> 0:07:25.716 means that it's a person who has orgasms under some 0:07:25.836 --> 0:07:31.036 circumstances but not under other circumstances, as opposed to primary 0:07:31.116 --> 0:07:34.276 in orgasmia, which is where a person has not yet 0:07:34.356 --> 0:07:39.796 ever experienced an orgasm to their knowledge. So l is 0:07:39.836 --> 0:07:43.276 off to a great start. She can have orgasms in 0:07:43.316 --> 0:07:45.996 at least two different ways, both with a vibrator and 0:07:46.156 --> 0:07:49.756 with her fingers, which is spectacular. That means there's more 0:07:49.796 --> 0:07:53.316 than one context where her brain has access to the 0:07:53.476 --> 0:07:58.236 right stimulation in order to get to orgasm. Hooray. What 0:07:58.396 --> 0:08:01.596 that tells me also is that she knows how to 0:08:02.476 --> 0:08:06.316 search for and find more and more kinds of context 0:08:06.396 --> 0:08:09.996 that grant her brain access to orgasm. So let's start 0:08:09.996 --> 0:08:14.556 with like the basics of how arousal and orgasm work. 0:08:15.396 --> 0:08:18.876 The mechanism in your brain. Many people are already reciting 0:08:18.916 --> 0:08:21.116 this with me. The mechanism in your brain that governs 0:08:21.156 --> 0:08:24.396 sexual response is called the dual control mechanism. If it's 0:08:24.436 --> 0:08:29.516 called the dual control mechanism, how many parts does it have? Two? 0:08:30.516 --> 0:08:33.196 And if I tell you the first part is the breaks, 0:08:34.036 --> 0:08:37.596 then the other part must be the accelerator gas pedal 0:08:37.756 --> 0:08:40.756 the accelerator. I'm cheating because I've heard you say that's 0:08:40.756 --> 0:08:44.316 a few times. Yes, of course, because this is this 0:08:44.356 --> 0:08:48.756 is the thing I say so the accelerator or gas pedal, 0:08:48.796 --> 0:08:53.476 it's technically called the sexual excitation system. It notices all 0:08:53.556 --> 0:08:57.396 the sex related information in the environment. Right that's everything 0:08:57.636 --> 0:09:01.276 that you can see, everything you hear, everything you smell, 0:09:01.876 --> 0:09:06.596 touch or taste, and everything that you think, believe or 0:09:06.676 --> 0:09:10.996 imagine that your brain interprets as sex related and it 0:09:11.156 --> 0:09:12.996 sends the turn on signal that many of us are 0:09:13.036 --> 0:09:16.956 familiar with. Right. That is the accelerator. That's the beginning 0:09:16.996 --> 0:09:21.356 of the arousal process, and it's functioning all the time subconsciously, 0:09:21.396 --> 0:09:24.356 including right now here we are talking about sex. That's 0:09:24.396 --> 0:09:27.756 just a tiny little bit of sex related stimuli. And 0:09:27.796 --> 0:09:31.276 so you're experiencing just a tiny little bit of activation 0:09:31.516 --> 0:09:34.556 of your accelerator. So you're saying, it would make sense 0:09:34.596 --> 0:09:37.036 if listeners are feeling just a bit turned on just 0:09:37.236 --> 0:09:40.956 hearing about orchasms right now, I mean, you are receiving 0:09:40.996 --> 0:09:44.116 this tiny little bit of sex related stimuli. So yes, 0:09:44.516 --> 0:09:49.396 but fortunately, at the same time, in parallel, you have 0:09:49.556 --> 0:09:52.996 breaks that are noticing all the good reasons not to 0:09:53.076 --> 0:09:58.076 be turned on. Right now, everything that you see here, smell, touch, 0:09:58.516 --> 0:10:02.916 or taste and everything that you think, believe or imagine 0:10:03.236 --> 0:10:07.076 that your brain codes as a potential threat when it 0:10:07.156 --> 0:10:09.556 notices any of that stuff, your breaks and to turn 0:10:09.716 --> 0:10:13.716 off signal. So the process of becoming aroused is a 0:10:13.796 --> 0:10:17.556 dual process of turning on those ons, receiving that sex 0:10:17.596 --> 0:10:22.996 related input, and also turning off the offs, getting rid 0:10:23.116 --> 0:10:27.476 of all those potential threat stimuli. Does that make sense 0:10:27.476 --> 0:10:31.476 so far? Yes? Absolutely, So you had the accelerator in 0:10:31.516 --> 0:10:35.996 the breaks, and what's going on with l in this 0:10:36.076 --> 0:10:39.396 circumstance with her accelerator and braakes, do you think right? So, 0:10:39.836 --> 0:10:42.956 when she's by herself, either with her hand or with 0:10:43.556 --> 0:10:48.796 her vibrator, she can sufficiently activate the accelerator to get 0:10:48.796 --> 0:10:52.396 to really very high level of sexual arousal such that 0:10:52.436 --> 0:10:56.876 she crosses a threshold generating all this tension in her 0:10:56.876 --> 0:10:59.276 body or this physical tension in your body. Anyone who's 0:10:59.276 --> 0:11:02.716 had an orgasm might recognize. And that happens because she's 0:11:02.756 --> 0:11:08.476 got plenty abundant stimulation to the accelerator and not too 0:11:08.556 --> 0:11:12.636 much stuff activating the brakes. Now we take this same brain, 0:11:12.796 --> 0:11:16.036 the same body, the same kind of stimulation even and 0:11:16.116 --> 0:11:21.276 we change the context. We put another person in the room. 0:11:21.316 --> 0:11:25.956 Her brain is interpreting that other person as something that 0:11:26.076 --> 0:11:29.676 hits the brakes. And even though this is a person 0:11:29.796 --> 0:11:36.396 she loves and feels really confident with, still somewhere in 0:11:36.436 --> 0:11:41.156 her life her brain got trained to interpret the presence 0:11:41.156 --> 0:11:44.716 of another person as something that hits the brakes, even 0:11:44.756 --> 0:11:50.236 a person she loves and trusts. Right. So I reached 0:11:50.236 --> 0:11:53.196 out to l to hear more about her situation, and 0:11:53.316 --> 0:11:56.236 she is aware that it's the presence of another person 0:11:56.276 --> 0:12:00.476 that's the barrier for her, but she's just struggling to 0:12:00.516 --> 0:12:03.756 figure out how to move past it. So let me 0:12:03.876 --> 0:12:05.996 tell you a few of the things she has tried 0:12:06.076 --> 0:12:10.676 so far. Oh. Sure, she has tried using vibrators during 0:12:10.716 --> 0:12:14.116 sex with her boyfriend. She has tried him giving her 0:12:14.236 --> 0:12:20.196 oral sex, him masturbating her like manually. Ye are there more? Yeah? So, 0:12:20.596 --> 0:12:24.996 she says that when she's by herself, she uses porn. 0:12:25.196 --> 0:12:28.036 She watches porn, and that always does the trick. So 0:12:28.156 --> 0:12:31.636 porn is a great example of a stimulation that activates 0:12:31.636 --> 0:12:36.956 the accelerator. Mmmmmmm. So she tried watching it with her boyfriend, 0:12:37.316 --> 0:12:40.236 but she said that backfired. That really did not work, 0:12:40.276 --> 0:12:44.796 and she thinks the opposite. I'm helpful, totally, the opposite 0:12:44.836 --> 0:12:47.596 of helpful. All the shame and embarrassment from growing up 0:12:47.596 --> 0:12:49.996 in the Catholic church kicked in and she was like, 0:12:50.556 --> 0:12:52.876 that did not work. That was a solo that's a 0:12:52.876 --> 0:12:55.796 solo activity for me. And so those are the things 0:12:55.876 --> 0:12:58.916 that she has tried with her boyfriend, and none of 0:12:58.916 --> 0:13:02.476 those things have helped her that she even orgasm with 0:13:02.556 --> 0:13:08.036 him present. So what could she tried next? Yeah, So 0:13:08.236 --> 0:13:10.996 the next step, from my point of view, is to 0:13:11.356 --> 0:13:14.836 focus not on activating the accelerator more, but on getting 0:13:14.916 --> 0:13:17.276 rid of the stuff that's hitting the brakes. And because 0:13:17.276 --> 0:13:21.076 her situation is so specific, I mean you looking at 0:13:21.076 --> 0:13:23.916 the question, you can tell what's hitting the brakes, right, Yeah, absolutely, 0:13:23.956 --> 0:13:26.116 and she knows too. It's her partner. The living, breathing 0:13:26.396 --> 0:13:28.556 is the partner. Yeah, that's there with her. Yeah. So 0:13:28.836 --> 0:13:32.356 what a sex therapist would probably recommend is a process 0:13:32.396 --> 0:13:38.476 of graded exposure where she very gradually increases the presence 0:13:38.556 --> 0:13:41.676 of her partner in the room with her. So the 0:13:41.676 --> 0:13:44.876 therapist would probably have her maybe make index cards on 0:13:44.916 --> 0:13:47.436 a scale of zero to ten. So ten is definitely 0:13:47.516 --> 0:13:50.196 going to be living, breathing human in the room with me, 0:13:50.876 --> 0:13:55.596 for sure. Zero is going to be other human being, 0:13:55.676 --> 0:13:58.996 isn't even in my home, doors locked, no chance of 0:13:59.036 --> 0:14:02.236 being interrupted. That's a zero, no chance of my breaks 0:14:02.276 --> 0:14:06.396 being hit by this particular stimulus. And then graded between 0:14:06.556 --> 0:14:10.156 zero and ten are going to be things like having 0:14:10.156 --> 0:14:14.156 a photograph of my partner visible while I'm masturbating in 0:14:14.196 --> 0:14:16.916 the way that I masturbate. It would probably make sense, 0:14:17.076 --> 0:14:20.716 given that she's not likely to be interested in masturbating 0:14:20.956 --> 0:14:25.796 with porn with her partner to practice these exercises without porn. 0:14:27.116 --> 0:14:30.476 So step one, let's say it's a photograph of her partner, 0:14:30.596 --> 0:14:32.996 so that the eyeballs are there to be seen, but 0:14:33.116 --> 0:14:35.836 there's no physical human in the room. Okay, so we're 0:14:35.876 --> 0:14:40.916 going full nineteen forty five Sears catalog style masturbating to 0:14:40.956 --> 0:14:45.436 a picture I would never have boughtowed that, and then 0:14:46.036 --> 0:14:50.076 maybe they decide that around like a six. Once she's 0:14:50.116 --> 0:14:53.476 able to orgasm at level one, level two, level three, 0:14:53.556 --> 0:14:56.636 maybe somewhere in the middle is going to be masturbating 0:14:56.756 --> 0:14:59.716 with him on the other side of the door, knowing 0:14:59.796 --> 0:15:03.596 that he's there and could potentially hear what's happening. Right, 0:15:03.596 --> 0:15:08.876 So that's definitely an increase in exposure. Right. Eventually, you 0:15:08.876 --> 0:15:11.116 get to a point where not only is the partner present, 0:15:11.156 --> 0:15:14.276 but they also could potentially be hearing what's going on. 0:15:14.956 --> 0:15:19.316 And then maybe you get to masturbating to orgasm without porn, 0:15:19.916 --> 0:15:22.436 with your partner in the room, but completely in the 0:15:22.556 --> 0:15:26.716 dark so you can't see the person. This is a 0:15:26.836 --> 0:15:30.476 very intense challenge, right because this means that the living, 0:15:30.516 --> 0:15:33.596 breathing human is in the room. You can't see them, 0:15:33.636 --> 0:15:37.716 but you know for sure they're there. And what's happening 0:15:37.796 --> 0:15:42.796 is you're gradually building up your breaks comfort with the 0:15:42.836 --> 0:15:46.396 presence of another person. So you are training your breaks 0:15:47.116 --> 0:15:50.716 not to interpret the presence of your partner as something 0:15:50.916 --> 0:15:55.316 that it needs to respond to. Right now, ELL's breaks 0:15:55.876 --> 0:16:00.076 treat her partner as like slam on the breaks, emergency stop. 0:16:00.756 --> 0:16:04.476 What will happen gradually is that it responds less and 0:16:04.716 --> 0:16:08.516 less to that stimulus, until eventually her partner can be 0:16:08.556 --> 0:16:12.796 present and her breaks don't even notice. Okay, so that's 0:16:12.996 --> 0:16:16.116 the science of what's happening. But like, why are those 0:16:16.156 --> 0:16:21.756 breaks even coming on at all culturally personally, especially with 0:16:21.796 --> 0:16:25.116 someone that you really love and trust. How did that happen? 0:16:25.596 --> 0:16:31.036 The answer is the patriarchy. So many people, especially those 0:16:31.036 --> 0:16:34.316 of us who are raised as girls are taught to 0:16:34.436 --> 0:16:38.036 shift all of our attention to the other persons wants 0:16:38.036 --> 0:16:41.996 and needs when that other person is present. Even if 0:16:42.036 --> 0:16:44.876 you know how to orgasm independently, once that other person 0:16:44.996 --> 0:16:49.036 shows up, you just block off everything about your own 0:16:49.116 --> 0:16:54.116 pleasure because you're too busy worrying about their wants and needs, 0:16:54.116 --> 0:16:57.916 making sure their expectations are met. You're worrying that you're 0:16:57.956 --> 0:17:01.676 taking too long. You're wondering if they're bored. You're wondering, 0:17:01.956 --> 0:17:04.556 you're feeling self critical, like you should have been able 0:17:04.596 --> 0:17:07.236 to come by now, and that self criticism is just 0:17:07.436 --> 0:17:11.236 more stuff hitting the break. So you're gradually training your 0:17:11.276 --> 0:17:15.516 brain not to activate all that ancient stuff that you 0:17:15.596 --> 0:17:19.316 absorbed about gender roles at some early part in your life. 0:17:20.396 --> 0:17:23.916 Does that make sense? That makes a lot of sense. 0:17:23.956 --> 0:17:26.836 I'm telling you the patriarchy interferes with our orgasms. If 0:17:26.836 --> 0:17:29.076 we want to have great orgasms, if our partners want 0:17:29.156 --> 0:17:31.756 us to have great orgasms, we all got to collaborate 0:17:31.756 --> 0:17:34.436 to dismantle the patriarchy because it is super messing with 0:17:34.476 --> 0:17:36.716 our orgasms. We really need to get that written into 0:17:36.716 --> 0:17:39.476 the feminist agenda. Can you talk a little bit more 0:17:39.596 --> 0:17:44.196 about what else, like culturally, socially or culturally could be 0:17:44.276 --> 0:17:48.316 hitting the breaks. Is that even possible. I'm just gonna say, 0:17:48.396 --> 0:17:53.876 body image, body image, mic drop. So there's a lot 0:17:53.916 --> 0:17:57.396 of cultural stuff that could be hitting anyone's breaks. Yeah, 0:17:57.956 --> 0:18:00.436 so many other kinds of things. She said she was 0:18:00.476 --> 0:18:03.716 raised Catholic, which I think a lot of people who 0:18:03.716 --> 0:18:06.156 are raised Catholic have told me that they were taught 0:18:06.156 --> 0:18:08.476 to feel ashamed even of the fact that they were 0:18:08.516 --> 0:18:15.396 experienced curiosity about sex, never mind sexual pleasure, arousal orgasm. 0:18:15.476 --> 0:18:19.876 For someone to see you, it's like getting caught. Many 0:18:19.876 --> 0:18:23.116 people who are raised religious, especially in a religion like Catholicism, 0:18:23.116 --> 0:18:27.636 with this idea that God can see everything that you do. Actually, 0:18:27.716 --> 0:18:29.356 I don't know for sure if that is a Catholic thing. 0:18:29.356 --> 0:18:33.396 I would have to Catholic I was okay. Also, yeah, 0:18:33.476 --> 0:18:38.716 many people with that background experience even masturbation. They're like, 0:18:38.796 --> 0:18:42.716 God can see me doing this, and that alone can 0:18:42.756 --> 0:18:45.236 make it complicated and difficult, and they've had to overcome 0:18:46.196 --> 0:18:49.756 that level of being observed while they're with their body, 0:18:49.796 --> 0:18:55.436 and they might even develop a slightly unhelpful masturbation patterns 0:18:55.556 --> 0:18:57.476 because they just want to do it fast. They want 0:18:57.476 --> 0:19:00.156 to get it over with so that they have as 0:19:00.196 --> 0:19:03.356 little shame as possible. So for that last bit of 0:19:03.396 --> 0:19:08.076 advice for L, I would say, do that graded exposure activity. 0:19:08.196 --> 0:19:10.236 Even if you don't have access to a therapist, you 0:19:10.236 --> 0:19:16.516 can try it on your own. But also try masturbating 0:19:16.956 --> 0:19:23.156 without orgasm. Allow your body to experience sensation without any 0:19:23.196 --> 0:19:26.956 destination in mind, with no particular time limit. Just allow 0:19:27.076 --> 0:19:30.956 the pleasure to be what it is, let it grow 0:19:31.276 --> 0:19:34.116 as much as it wants to, and just notice what 0:19:34.196 --> 0:19:39.516 that feels like. No judgment. Ah, sounds like best Sunday 0:19:39.516 --> 0:19:43.756 afternoon ever. Right. Oh, this is so fun. I can't 0:19:43.756 --> 0:19:47.316 believe this is my job. Okay, after the break, I'm 0:19:47.316 --> 0:19:50.476 going to bring you another question about orgasm, and this 0:19:50.516 --> 0:19:53.916 one is about that sensation of needing to pee, and 0:19:53.996 --> 0:20:09.876 I'm very curious what you have to say. We're back 0:20:09.916 --> 0:20:13.596 with our second question about orgasm. Emily, are you ready? 0:20:13.876 --> 0:20:18.116 I'm ready? Okay, Hi Emily, my name is Meg. I 0:20:18.196 --> 0:20:21.316 go about to pronounce to her. I have a question 0:20:21.436 --> 0:20:27.196 regarding orgasm and the sensation of feeling like needing tom pee. 0:20:28.076 --> 0:20:30.476 I've heard a lot of different answers about this, and 0:20:30.676 --> 0:20:32.836 some people say to just if you feel like you 0:20:32.916 --> 0:20:35.716 need to pe, just like let the feeling go, or 0:20:35.916 --> 0:20:39.876 maybe it's not pa it's worked, And I'm getting very 0:20:39.916 --> 0:20:44.756 confused and I don't want it to be on my partner. 0:20:45.956 --> 0:20:48.956 So I'm just a little confused on that and what 0:20:49.116 --> 0:20:51.316 I maybe I should be doing in that case, if 0:20:51.316 --> 0:20:54.436 there is anything that someone should be doing, if that 0:20:54.516 --> 0:20:56.996 makes sense. So I would love your thoughts on that. 0:20:57.316 --> 0:21:01.476 Thank you have a good day. You know. Now I 0:21:01.516 --> 0:21:05.156 want to make sure that my assumption is correct that 0:21:05.196 --> 0:21:09.396 we're talking about penis and vagina sex or manual X 0:21:09.476 --> 0:21:13.996 that involves vaginal penetration. Well, I also assumed we were 0:21:13.996 --> 0:21:17.716 talking about vaginal penetration because to be straight up, that 0:21:17.836 --> 0:21:20.316 is the time that I experienced that sensation of feeling 0:21:20.316 --> 0:21:21.876 like I need to pee. Yeah, that is that is 0:21:21.876 --> 0:21:24.076 the most typical time, and the mechanism is really clear. 0:21:24.356 --> 0:21:27.356 But I followed up with Meg and she said she 0:21:27.516 --> 0:21:33.156 mostly experiences this sensation when she is masturbating with clatoral stimulation. 0:21:33.396 --> 0:21:35.796 And then she said, you know, thinking about this question 0:21:35.836 --> 0:21:39.236 a little bit more, I've only ever had one orgasm 0:21:39.276 --> 0:21:42.276 with partnered sex, and it's hard for me to know 0:21:42.556 --> 0:21:46.476 if that's a normal number for me, or if the 0:21:46.596 --> 0:21:49.436 sensation of needing to pee is part of the problem 0:21:49.596 --> 0:21:53.036 of holding back, you know, having an orgasm with a partner. Sure, 0:21:53.436 --> 0:21:56.916 so this might be another example of funny and more 0:21:56.916 --> 0:21:59.156 difficult to have an orgasm when there's another person present. 0:22:00.516 --> 0:22:04.116 Might be having trouble having an orgasm during penis and 0:22:04.196 --> 0:22:08.076 vagina sex, which is one hundred percent normal. Probably only 0:22:08.116 --> 0:22:12.276 about a quarter of six gender women are reliably orgasmic 0:22:12.396 --> 0:22:19.076 from what the researchers call unassisted intercourse, and the rest 0:22:19.156 --> 0:22:22.756 are sometimes rarely or never orgasmic that way. The simple 0:22:22.796 --> 0:22:26.196 explanation being that the vagina is very far away from 0:22:26.276 --> 0:22:30.556 the clitterests, and a lot of people if you've got 0:22:30.556 --> 0:22:32.796 a clitterist, that's really sort of the hokey pokey it's 0:22:32.796 --> 0:22:35.516 what it's all about, not for everybody. I have absolutely 0:22:35.556 --> 0:22:38.676 had people say to me like, my clitterest is not 0:22:38.836 --> 0:22:41.556 the thing for me, I really and the vaginant is 0:22:41.596 --> 0:22:43.956 not the thing for me. It's external anal stimulation that 0:22:44.036 --> 0:22:47.076 really gets me there. Am I normally yes, yes, absolutely. 0:22:47.156 --> 0:22:50.396 People vary. So even though a lot of sex educators, 0:22:50.396 --> 0:22:53.156 including me, generalize to be like the clitterest, it's what 0:22:53.156 --> 0:22:55.756 it's all about suit turn tables and a microphone. That's 0:22:55.756 --> 0:22:59.156 not the case for everybody, but this is someone who's 0:22:59.196 --> 0:23:04.196 masturbating with stimulation of the clip. So that's the kind 0:23:04.196 --> 0:23:09.036 of stimulation that increases her arousal level to near organ 0:23:10.116 --> 0:23:12.956 So why would it ever feel like you have to pee? 0:23:12.996 --> 0:23:16.356 The reason you and I kind of make that assumption 0:23:16.436 --> 0:23:20.476 that it's about vaginal stimulation is because there's an obvious 0:23:20.516 --> 0:23:25.036 mechanism for that. When there's something in your vagina, there's 0:23:25.116 --> 0:23:28.556 not necessarily anything particularly close to your clutteris, but there 0:23:28.676 --> 0:23:33.236 is something really close to your wrethra and your bladder 0:23:33.636 --> 0:23:36.276 and your yourreth real opening, or as I learned it 0:23:36.316 --> 0:23:39.236 when I was eighteen years old, your yourrethral meatis you remember, 0:23:39.236 --> 0:23:43.116 because you got a hole in your meat, your eth meatis. 0:23:45.076 --> 0:23:47.156 Had to memorize. It was said to me one time, 0:23:47.436 --> 0:23:49.556 and all these years later, it's still the thing I 0:23:49.596 --> 0:23:52.956 am teaching how to remember what the urethral opening is called. Technically. 0:23:53.236 --> 0:23:57.236 Oh great, now I'm gonna remember that forever and everyone 0:23:57.276 --> 0:24:02.476 else who hears this. You're a welcome world. So when 0:24:02.516 --> 0:24:06.556 there's something in your vagina, you have stimulation that is 0:24:07.036 --> 0:24:10.916 very close to your bladder, your wreath, and your urethromiatis, 0:24:11.356 --> 0:24:14.636 and back when you were a little baby and learning 0:24:14.716 --> 0:24:18.436 how to be potty trained, your brain gradually learned that 0:24:18.516 --> 0:24:22.676 particular sensations from particular parts of your body were predictive 0:24:22.716 --> 0:24:26.756 of certain needs. A certain pressure around your bladder or 0:24:26.796 --> 0:24:31.836 around your urethra meant oh, you have to pee. So 0:24:31.956 --> 0:24:36.636 now you get to a time when you're on purpose 0:24:36.836 --> 0:24:42.796 having people put stuff in your vagina, your brain is like, oh, yeah, 0:24:42.836 --> 0:24:46.516 anything in that general area means need to pee, and 0:24:46.636 --> 0:24:50.756 it's just overinterpreting the sensations of your body is like, 0:24:50.836 --> 0:24:54.916 that's in the vicinity of the peace sensations, So I'm 0:24:54.916 --> 0:24:58.316 just going to decide that's peace sensation. Like you can 0:24:58.396 --> 0:25:01.796 pee and empty your bladder before you start having sex. 0:25:01.836 --> 0:25:05.516 You know that your bladder is empty, and yet your 0:25:05.516 --> 0:25:08.156 brain is still going to receive that sensation and be like, 0:25:08.556 --> 0:25:11.916 as far where as I know, anything in that general 0:25:11.956 --> 0:25:15.876 area means pay. But you have to teach your brain 0:25:16.316 --> 0:25:18.796 there's the urge to p and then there's this other 0:25:18.836 --> 0:25:23.356 thing which is right next door kind of literally, but 0:25:23.596 --> 0:25:27.076 is actually a really different sensation. And over time, with practice, 0:25:27.116 --> 0:25:30.116 your brain will learn not to interpret that sensation as 0:25:30.156 --> 0:25:34.556 a need to p. Just allow yourself to relax into 0:25:34.596 --> 0:25:37.316 that sensation. Don't worry about it, because we know that 0:25:37.396 --> 0:25:39.836 worrying about things just hits the breaks and makes it 0:25:39.876 --> 0:25:44.276 more difficult to experience pleasure and access orgasm. You know 0:25:44.316 --> 0:25:45.996 you're not going to pee because you know your bladder 0:25:46.036 --> 0:25:51.356 is empty, and you're gradually exposing your brain to this 0:25:51.556 --> 0:25:57.596 actually really specific sensation of having something in your vagina. 0:25:57.796 --> 0:26:01.436 It's rarer to hear of a person whose brain interprets 0:26:02.436 --> 0:26:06.676 clitteral stimulation as a need to p, but it could 0:26:06.676 --> 0:26:10.076 easily be the same sort of phenomenon where anything down 0:26:10.116 --> 0:26:13.636 there is interpreted by the brain as a need to pee. 0:26:14.436 --> 0:26:19.476 Another thing that's happening is that the big internal structures 0:26:19.476 --> 0:26:24.316 of the clitteress are swelling with arousal. And everyone's body 0:26:24.396 --> 0:26:27.916 is laid out differently and uniquely, and it may be 0:26:28.636 --> 0:26:32.876 that the big internal swollen parts of her clitterus. We 0:26:32.956 --> 0:26:38.836 know that they straddle the urethra and the urethra sponge 0:26:38.996 --> 0:26:44.396 and all of that tissue. So maybe the internal structures 0:26:44.396 --> 0:26:49.076 of the clitteress are actually creating sensations around the urethra 0:26:50.076 --> 0:26:54.516 and so same thing where through this internal stimulation. She's 0:26:54.556 --> 0:26:58.796 actually getting urethral signals. Does that make sense, Yeah, it 0:26:58.836 --> 0:27:01.996 does make sense. I think though, that we're assuming that 0:27:02.436 --> 0:27:04.356 the sensation of meaning to pee, if she were to 0:27:04.356 --> 0:27:07.796