1 00:00:15,356 --> 00:00:27,316 Speaker 1: Pushkin him and I'm going in. I have a question 2 00:00:27,356 --> 00:00:32,636 Speaker 1: for you. I have been struggling with an inability to 3 00:00:33,676 --> 00:00:40,396 Speaker 1: orgasm with anyone else around. This is one of the 4 00:00:40,436 --> 00:00:46,316 Speaker 1: most common orgasm difficulties that people experience, and it's highly treatable. 5 00:00:49,756 --> 00:00:53,316 Speaker 1: I'm Emilinagaski and this is the Come as You Are 6 00:00:53,556 --> 00:00:59,076 Speaker 1: podcast where I answer questions about sex with science. In 7 00:00:59,116 --> 00:01:02,156 Speaker 1: this episode, I'm going to be answering to listener questions 8 00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:10,916 Speaker 1: about orgasm. I get so many questions about orgasm, but 9 00:01:11,076 --> 00:01:17,236 Speaker 1: these two are specifically about surrendering to sensation, letting go, 10 00:01:17,996 --> 00:01:20,236 Speaker 1: and I mean that in two ways. I do mean 11 00:01:20,276 --> 00:01:23,196 Speaker 1: it in terms of letting go of judgment, letting go 12 00:01:23,476 --> 00:01:27,076 Speaker 1: of worrying about your body or worrying about your orgasm 13 00:01:27,116 --> 00:01:29,916 Speaker 1: while you're trying to have an orgasm. But I also 14 00:01:30,036 --> 00:01:35,796 Speaker 1: mean it in terms of surrendering to sensation, turning toward 15 00:01:36,276 --> 00:01:40,436 Speaker 1: the physiological process of orgasm in your body and just 16 00:01:40,676 --> 00:01:46,036 Speaker 1: noticing it, allowing it to happen, paying attention with curiosity 17 00:01:46,156 --> 00:01:50,076 Speaker 1: and patience. Here to bring me today's questions is my 18 00:01:50,196 --> 00:01:54,596 Speaker 1: producer mo Hi mo Hi. Emily, how are you feeling. 19 00:01:54,716 --> 00:01:57,796 Speaker 1: I'm still recovering from COVID. I'm so sorry. Do you 20 00:01:57,916 --> 00:02:00,956 Speaker 1: have COVID? Yeah, we're cutting out all your COVID coughs 21 00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:03,436 Speaker 1: from this episode. Just yes. For the listeners at home, 22 00:02:03,596 --> 00:02:07,156 Speaker 1: I'm doing great. I love answering these questions. You've gotten 23 00:02:07,596 --> 00:02:10,636 Speaker 1: a lot of listener questions in the past few weeks, 24 00:02:11,076 --> 00:02:13,516 Speaker 1: and one of the most common topics we get questions 25 00:02:13,516 --> 00:02:17,836 Speaker 1: about is orgasm. And one thing I noticed is just like, 26 00:02:17,996 --> 00:02:20,396 Speaker 1: there are a lot of misconceptions about it that I'm 27 00:02:20,436 --> 00:02:26,556 Speaker 1: hearing in questions. Yes, this is something I encounter all 28 00:02:26,556 --> 00:02:29,196 Speaker 1: the time as a sex educator, even when I'm training 29 00:02:29,796 --> 00:02:33,956 Speaker 1: medical professionals and therapists. Sometimes people approach orgasm like art. 30 00:02:33,996 --> 00:02:36,716 Speaker 1: They know what it feels like, but there's no way 31 00:02:36,716 --> 00:02:41,916 Speaker 1: to define it. There is a physiological process of orgasm 32 00:02:41,996 --> 00:02:44,596 Speaker 1: that is helpful to know, and there is a brain 33 00:02:44,756 --> 00:02:49,796 Speaker 1: function of orgasm that might even be more important. Oh 34 00:02:49,796 --> 00:02:51,796 Speaker 1: my god, Yes, did you learn any of that in 35 00:02:51,836 --> 00:02:55,636 Speaker 1: school ever? Like, are you kidding me? No, I went 36 00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:58,156 Speaker 1: to public school in North Carolina that no one said 37 00:02:58,156 --> 00:03:00,356 Speaker 1: the word orgasm. You'd be suspended for saying the word. 38 00:03:02,556 --> 00:03:06,316 Speaker 1: That makes my education from romance novels seem actually pretty good, 39 00:03:06,396 --> 00:03:10,676 Speaker 1: which what I learned about was spiraling and a cloud 40 00:03:10,916 --> 00:03:14,636 Speaker 1: enveloped in ecstasy. Okay, yeah, there's a really big mismatch 41 00:03:14,676 --> 00:03:18,356 Speaker 1: and like fiction and descriptions of orgasm and how it 42 00:03:18,396 --> 00:03:22,036 Speaker 1: actually feels before we get into the questions, there is 43 00:03:22,076 --> 00:03:26,076 Speaker 1: just so much misinformation and bad media representation out there 44 00:03:26,156 --> 00:03:29,196 Speaker 1: about orgasms, like what they look like, what they feel like, 45 00:03:29,356 --> 00:03:32,196 Speaker 1: and how they work. So what science do we need 46 00:03:32,236 --> 00:03:36,956 Speaker 1: to know about orgasms before we get into these questions? Okay, first, 47 00:03:37,196 --> 00:03:42,516 Speaker 1: let us begin with the mind blower. Orgasm happens in 48 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:48,196 Speaker 1: the brain. Orgasm is a brain process. It's really not 49 00:03:48,316 --> 00:03:52,476 Speaker 1: about what's happening in the genitals. That means all the 50 00:03:52,676 --> 00:03:56,356 Speaker 1: difficulties that people may have with orgasm, whether it's having 51 00:03:56,476 --> 00:03:59,396 Speaker 1: orgasms faster than they want to or slower than they 52 00:03:59,396 --> 00:04:01,716 Speaker 1: want to, or not having them, all of that is 53 00:04:01,716 --> 00:04:07,316 Speaker 1: happening in the brain. And we can train our brains. 54 00:04:07,396 --> 00:04:11,756 Speaker 1: We can change our experience of orgasm through a process 55 00:04:11,796 --> 00:04:17,316 Speaker 1: of practice and learning. Okay, first, fucking wow, And second, 56 00:04:17,476 --> 00:04:20,316 Speaker 1: can you just tell me your definition of what an 57 00:04:20,396 --> 00:04:24,356 Speaker 1: orgasm is from a physiological perspective? Yes, I sort of 58 00:04:24,356 --> 00:04:28,716 Speaker 1: invented my own definition, going back to the classic American 59 00:04:28,796 --> 00:04:33,396 Speaker 1: sex researchers Masters and Johnson and Kinsey. From their work, 60 00:04:33,676 --> 00:04:37,916 Speaker 1: I developed the very simple basic definition that orgasm is 61 00:04:37,956 --> 00:04:44,156 Speaker 1: the spontaneous, involuntary release of tension generated in response to 62 00:04:44,396 --> 00:04:51,476 Speaker 1: sex related stimuli. The spontaneous involuntary release of tension. That's 63 00:04:51,516 --> 00:04:55,436 Speaker 1: physical tension in your muscles that was generated in response 64 00:04:55,476 --> 00:04:58,756 Speaker 1: to sex related stimuli. Notice I don't say anything about 65 00:04:58,756 --> 00:05:01,436 Speaker 1: what body parts are involved. I don't say anything about 66 00:05:01,796 --> 00:05:04,596 Speaker 1: how it feels, whether it feels good or not, because 67 00:05:04,596 --> 00:05:07,876 Speaker 1: the perception of any sensation is dependent on the context 68 00:05:07,916 --> 00:05:11,516 Speaker 1: in which we experience in it. And let's just make 69 00:05:11,556 --> 00:05:15,116 Speaker 1: sure we say for the record that yes, this episode 70 00:05:15,196 --> 00:05:18,156 Speaker 1: is about orgasm, but orgasm is not the most important 71 00:05:18,156 --> 00:05:22,276 Speaker 1: thing about sex. Orgasm is only as important as you 72 00:05:22,396 --> 00:05:25,796 Speaker 1: decide it is. The Only thing that matters about your 73 00:05:25,916 --> 00:05:29,836 Speaker 1: orgasm is whether or not you wanted and liked it. 74 00:05:30,196 --> 00:05:33,956 Speaker 1: And again, orcasm isn't actually the point of partner sex 75 00:05:34,076 --> 00:05:40,676 Speaker 1: or masturbation. Pleasure is the point. Okay, Emily, are you 76 00:05:40,756 --> 00:05:43,276 Speaker 1: ready to hear the first question? Yes, I can't wait. 77 00:05:43,596 --> 00:05:46,476 Speaker 1: This one's from el her pronouncers she her, and she 78 00:05:46,516 --> 00:05:49,116 Speaker 1: accidentally gave us her real name in the question, So 79 00:05:49,156 --> 00:05:50,756 Speaker 1: I cut it out, and we're just going to refer 80 00:05:50,836 --> 00:05:56,876 Speaker 1: to her as l I. Emily. I have been struggling 81 00:05:57,036 --> 00:06:05,636 Speaker 1: with an inability to orgasm with anyone else around. Is 82 00:06:05,836 --> 00:06:10,796 Speaker 1: always I'm by myself. I always need porn to get 83 00:06:10,836 --> 00:06:15,636 Speaker 1: turned on. Mentally, I can do it with a vibrator 84 00:06:15,796 --> 00:06:20,156 Speaker 1: or with my fingers, but it's like the presence of 85 00:06:20,196 --> 00:06:23,876 Speaker 1: another person. It takes me right out of the game mentally, 86 00:06:24,836 --> 00:06:29,196 Speaker 1: even though I'm enjoying myself and I'm very much in 87 00:06:29,276 --> 00:06:32,956 Speaker 1: love and secure with my partner. It's something that's been 88 00:06:32,996 --> 00:06:37,516 Speaker 1: stumping me for a very long time. I've never been 89 00:06:37,516 --> 00:06:40,836 Speaker 1: able to come with another person in the room, just 90 00:06:41,036 --> 00:06:47,196 Speaker 1: mentally completely like not there any in sight. It would 91 00:06:47,236 --> 00:06:54,916 Speaker 1: be great, very strange problem, Thank you bye. This is 92 00:06:55,036 --> 00:06:58,836 Speaker 1: one of the most common orgasm difficulties that people experience, 93 00:06:59,396 --> 00:07:03,556 Speaker 1: and it's highly treatable. Okay, so how do you do that? 94 00:07:03,836 --> 00:07:06,596 Speaker 1: So to begin with, people love it when stuff has 95 00:07:06,756 --> 00:07:11,796 Speaker 1: names and the diagnostic name for this. I'm not a clinician, 96 00:07:11,836 --> 00:07:17,116 Speaker 1: but this does meet the diagnostic criteria for secondary an orgasmia. 97 00:07:17,476 --> 00:07:21,636 Speaker 1: So an orgasmia just means lack of orgasm, and secondary 98 00:07:22,436 --> 00:07:25,716 Speaker 1: means that it's a person who has orgasms under some 99 00:07:25,836 --> 00:07:31,036 Speaker 1: circumstances but not under other circumstances, as opposed to primary 100 00:07:31,116 --> 00:07:34,276 Speaker 1: in orgasmia, which is where a person has not yet 101 00:07:34,356 --> 00:07:39,796 Speaker 1: ever experienced an orgasm to their knowledge. So l is 102 00:07:39,836 --> 00:07:43,276 Speaker 1: off to a great start. She can have orgasms in 103 00:07:43,316 --> 00:07:45,996 Speaker 1: at least two different ways, both with a vibrator and 104 00:07:46,156 --> 00:07:49,756 Speaker 1: with her fingers, which is spectacular. That means there's more 105 00:07:49,796 --> 00:07:53,316 Speaker 1: than one context where her brain has access to the 106 00:07:53,476 --> 00:07:58,236 Speaker 1: right stimulation in order to get to orgasm. Hooray. What 107 00:07:58,396 --> 00:08:01,596 Speaker 1: that tells me also is that she knows how to 108 00:08:02,476 --> 00:08:06,316 Speaker 1: search for and find more and more kinds of context 109 00:08:06,396 --> 00:08:09,996 Speaker 1: that grant her brain access to orgasm. So let's start 110 00:08:09,996 --> 00:08:14,556 Speaker 1: with like the basics of how arousal and orgasm work. 111 00:08:15,396 --> 00:08:18,876 Speaker 1: The mechanism in your brain. Many people are already reciting 112 00:08:18,916 --> 00:08:21,116 Speaker 1: this with me. The mechanism in your brain that governs 113 00:08:21,156 --> 00:08:24,396 Speaker 1: sexual response is called the dual control mechanism. If it's 114 00:08:24,436 --> 00:08:29,516 Speaker 1: called the dual control mechanism, how many parts does it have? Two? 115 00:08:30,516 --> 00:08:33,196 Speaker 1: And if I tell you the first part is the breaks, 116 00:08:34,036 --> 00:08:37,596 Speaker 1: then the other part must be the accelerator gas pedal 117 00:08:37,756 --> 00:08:40,756 Speaker 1: the accelerator. I'm cheating because I've heard you say that's 118 00:08:40,756 --> 00:08:44,316 Speaker 1: a few times. Yes, of course, because this is this 119 00:08:44,356 --> 00:08:48,756 Speaker 1: is the thing I say so the accelerator or gas pedal, 120 00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:53,476 Speaker 1: it's technically called the sexual excitation system. It notices all 121 00:08:53,556 --> 00:08:57,396 Speaker 1: the sex related information in the environment. Right that's everything 122 00:08:57,636 --> 00:09:01,276 Speaker 1: that you can see, everything you hear, everything you smell, 123 00:09:01,876 --> 00:09:06,596 Speaker 1: touch or taste, and everything that you think, believe or 124 00:09:06,676 --> 00:09:10,996 Speaker 1: imagine that your brain interprets as sex related and it 125 00:09:11,156 --> 00:09:12,996 Speaker 1: sends the turn on signal that many of us are 126 00:09:13,036 --> 00:09:16,956 Speaker 1: familiar with. Right. That is the accelerator. That's the beginning 127 00:09:16,996 --> 00:09:21,356 Speaker 1: of the arousal process, and it's functioning all the time subconsciously, 128 00:09:21,396 --> 00:09:24,356 Speaker 1: including right now here we are talking about sex. That's 129 00:09:24,396 --> 00:09:27,756 Speaker 1: just a tiny little bit of sex related stimuli. And 130 00:09:27,796 --> 00:09:31,276 Speaker 1: so you're experiencing just a tiny little bit of activation 131 00:09:31,516 --> 00:09:34,556 Speaker 1: of your accelerator. So you're saying, it would make sense 132 00:09:34,596 --> 00:09:37,036 Speaker 1: if listeners are feeling just a bit turned on just 133 00:09:37,236 --> 00:09:40,956 Speaker 1: hearing about orchasms right now, I mean, you are receiving 134 00:09:40,996 --> 00:09:44,116 Speaker 1: this tiny little bit of sex related stimuli. So yes, 135 00:09:44,516 --> 00:09:49,396 Speaker 1: but fortunately, at the same time, in parallel, you have 136 00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:52,996 Speaker 1: breaks that are noticing all the good reasons not to 137 00:09:53,076 --> 00:09:58,076 Speaker 1: be turned on. Right now, everything that you see here, smell, touch, 138 00:09:58,516 --> 00:10:02,916 Speaker 1: or taste and everything that you think, believe or imagine 139 00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:07,076 Speaker 1: that your brain codes as a potential threat when it 140 00:10:07,156 --> 00:10:09,556 Speaker 1: notices any of that stuff, your breaks and to turn 141 00:10:09,716 --> 00:10:13,716 Speaker 1: off signal. So the process of becoming aroused is a 142 00:10:13,796 --> 00:10:17,556 Speaker 1: dual process of turning on those ons, receiving that sex 143 00:10:17,596 --> 00:10:22,996 Speaker 1: related input, and also turning off the offs, getting rid 144 00:10:23,116 --> 00:10:27,476 Speaker 1: of all those potential threat stimuli. Does that make sense 145 00:10:27,476 --> 00:10:31,476 Speaker 1: so far? Yes? Absolutely, So you had the accelerator in 146 00:10:31,516 --> 00:10:35,996 Speaker 1: the breaks, and what's going on with l in this 147 00:10:36,076 --> 00:10:39,396 Speaker 1: circumstance with her accelerator and braakes, do you think right? So, 148 00:10:39,836 --> 00:10:42,956 Speaker 1: when she's by herself, either with her hand or with 149 00:10:43,556 --> 00:10:48,796 Speaker 1: her vibrator, she can sufficiently activate the accelerator to get 150 00:10:48,796 --> 00:10:52,396 Speaker 1: to really very high level of sexual arousal such that 151 00:10:52,436 --> 00:10:56,876 Speaker 1: she crosses a threshold generating all this tension in her 152 00:10:56,876 --> 00:10:59,276 Speaker 1: body or this physical tension in your body. Anyone who's 153 00:10:59,276 --> 00:11:02,716 Speaker 1: had an orgasm might recognize. And that happens because she's 154 00:11:02,756 --> 00:11:08,476 Speaker 1: got plenty abundant stimulation to the accelerator and not too 155 00:11:08,556 --> 00:11:12,636 Speaker 1: much stuff activating the brakes. Now we take this same brain, 156 00:11:12,796 --> 00:11:16,036 Speaker 1: the same body, the same kind of stimulation even and 157 00:11:16,116 --> 00:11:21,276 Speaker 1: we change the context. We put another person in the room. 158 00:11:21,316 --> 00:11:25,956 Speaker 1: Her brain is interpreting that other person as something that 159 00:11:26,076 --> 00:11:29,676 Speaker 1: hits the brakes. And even though this is a person 160 00:11:29,796 --> 00:11:36,396 Speaker 1: she loves and feels really confident with, still somewhere in 161 00:11:36,436 --> 00:11:41,156 Speaker 1: her life her brain got trained to interpret the presence 162 00:11:41,156 --> 00:11:44,716 Speaker 1: of another person as something that hits the brakes, even 163 00:11:44,756 --> 00:11:50,236 Speaker 1: a person she loves and trusts. Right. So I reached 164 00:11:50,236 --> 00:11:53,196 Speaker 1: out to l to hear more about her situation, and 165 00:11:53,316 --> 00:11:56,236 Speaker 1: she is aware that it's the presence of another person 166 00:11:56,276 --> 00:12:00,476 Speaker 1: that's the barrier for her, but she's just struggling to 167 00:12:00,516 --> 00:12:03,756 Speaker 1: figure out how to move past it. So let me 168 00:12:03,876 --> 00:12:05,996 Speaker 1: tell you a few of the things she has tried 169 00:12:06,076 --> 00:12:10,676 Speaker 1: so far. Oh. Sure, she has tried using vibrators during 170 00:12:10,716 --> 00:12:14,116 Speaker 1: sex with her boyfriend. She has tried him giving her 171 00:12:14,236 --> 00:12:20,196 Speaker 1: oral sex, him masturbating her like manually. Ye are there more? Yeah? So, 172 00:12:20,596 --> 00:12:24,996 Speaker 1: she says that when she's by herself, she uses porn. 173 00:12:25,196 --> 00:12:28,036 Speaker 1: She watches porn, and that always does the trick. So 174 00:12:28,156 --> 00:12:31,636 Speaker 1: porn is a great example of a stimulation that activates 175 00:12:31,636 --> 00:12:36,956 Speaker 1: the accelerator. Mmmmmmm. So she tried watching it with her boyfriend, 176 00:12:37,316 --> 00:12:40,236 Speaker 1: but she said that backfired. That really did not work, 177 00:12:40,276 --> 00:12:44,796 Speaker 1: and she thinks the opposite. I'm helpful, totally, the opposite 178 00:12:44,836 --> 00:12:47,596 Speaker 1: of helpful. All the shame and embarrassment from growing up 179 00:12:47,596 --> 00:12:49,996 Speaker 1: in the Catholic church kicked in and she was like, 180 00:12:50,556 --> 00:12:52,876 Speaker 1: that did not work. That was a solo that's a 181 00:12:52,876 --> 00:12:55,796 Speaker 1: solo activity for me. And so those are the things 182 00:12:55,876 --> 00:12:58,916 Speaker 1: that she has tried with her boyfriend, and none of 183 00:12:58,916 --> 00:13:02,476 Speaker 1: those things have helped her that she even orgasm with 184 00:13:02,556 --> 00:13:08,036 Speaker 1: him present. So what could she tried next? Yeah, So 185 00:13:08,236 --> 00:13:10,996 Speaker 1: the next step, from my point of view, is to 186 00:13:11,356 --> 00:13:14,836 Speaker 1: focus not on activating the accelerator more, but on getting 187 00:13:14,916 --> 00:13:17,276 Speaker 1: rid of the stuff that's hitting the brakes. And because 188 00:13:17,276 --> 00:13:21,076 Speaker 1: her situation is so specific, I mean you looking at 189 00:13:21,076 --> 00:13:23,916 Speaker 1: the question, you can tell what's hitting the brakes, right, Yeah, absolutely, 190 00:13:23,956 --> 00:13:26,116 Speaker 1: and she knows too. It's her partner. The living, breathing 191 00:13:26,396 --> 00:13:28,556 Speaker 1: is the partner. Yeah, that's there with her. Yeah. So 192 00:13:28,836 --> 00:13:32,356 Speaker 1: what a sex therapist would probably recommend is a process 193 00:13:32,396 --> 00:13:38,476 Speaker 1: of graded exposure where she very gradually increases the presence 194 00:13:38,556 --> 00:13:41,676 Speaker 1: of her partner in the room with her. So the 195 00:13:41,676 --> 00:13:44,876 Speaker 1: therapist would probably have her maybe make index cards on 196 00:13:44,916 --> 00:13:47,436 Speaker 1: a scale of zero to ten. So ten is definitely 197 00:13:47,516 --> 00:13:50,196 Speaker 1: going to be living, breathing human in the room with me, 198 00:13:50,876 --> 00:13:55,596 Speaker 1: for sure. Zero is going to be other human being, 199 00:13:55,676 --> 00:13:58,996 Speaker 1: isn't even in my home, doors locked, no chance of 200 00:13:59,036 --> 00:14:02,236 Speaker 1: being interrupted. That's a zero, no chance of my breaks 201 00:14:02,276 --> 00:14:06,396 Speaker 1: being hit by this particular stimulus. And then graded between 202 00:14:06,556 --> 00:14:10,156 Speaker 1: zero and ten are going to be things like having 203 00:14:10,156 --> 00:14:14,156 Speaker 1: a photograph of my partner visible while I'm masturbating in 204 00:14:14,196 --> 00:14:16,916 Speaker 1: the way that I masturbate. It would probably make sense, 205 00:14:17,076 --> 00:14:20,716 Speaker 1: given that she's not likely to be interested in masturbating 206 00:14:20,956 --> 00:14:25,796 Speaker 1: with porn with her partner to practice these exercises without porn. 207 00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:30,476 Speaker 1: So step one, let's say it's a photograph of her partner, 208 00:14:30,596 --> 00:14:32,996 Speaker 1: so that the eyeballs are there to be seen, but 209 00:14:33,116 --> 00:14:35,836 Speaker 1: there's no physical human in the room. Okay, so we're 210 00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:40,916 Speaker 1: going full nineteen forty five Sears catalog style masturbating to 211 00:14:40,956 --> 00:14:45,436 Speaker 1: a picture I would never have boughtowed that, and then 212 00:14:46,036 --> 00:14:50,076 Speaker 1: maybe they decide that around like a six. Once she's 213 00:14:50,116 --> 00:14:53,476 Speaker 1: able to orgasm at level one, level two, level three, 214 00:14:53,556 --> 00:14:56,636 Speaker 1: maybe somewhere in the middle is going to be masturbating 215 00:14:56,756 --> 00:14:59,716 Speaker 1: with him on the other side of the door, knowing 216 00:14:59,796 --> 00:15:03,596 Speaker 1: that he's there and could potentially hear what's happening. Right, 217 00:15:03,596 --> 00:15:08,876 Speaker 1: So that's definitely an increase in exposure. Right. Eventually, you 218 00:15:08,876 --> 00:15:11,116 Speaker 1: get to a point where not only is the partner present, 219 00:15:11,156 --> 00:15:14,276 Speaker 1: but they also could potentially be hearing what's going on. 220 00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:19,316 Speaker 1: And then maybe you get to masturbating to orgasm without porn, 221 00:15:19,916 --> 00:15:22,436 Speaker 1: with your partner in the room, but completely in the 222 00:15:22,556 --> 00:15:26,716 Speaker 1: dark so you can't see the person. This is a 223 00:15:26,836 --> 00:15:30,476 Speaker 1: very intense challenge, right because this means that the living, 224 00:15:30,516 --> 00:15:33,596 Speaker 1: breathing human is in the room. You can't see them, 225 00:15:33,636 --> 00:15:37,716 Speaker 1: but you know for sure they're there. And what's happening 226 00:15:37,796 --> 00:15:42,796 Speaker 1: is you're gradually building up your breaks comfort with the 227 00:15:42,836 --> 00:15:46,396 Speaker 1: presence of another person. So you are training your breaks 228 00:15:47,116 --> 00:15:50,716 Speaker 1: not to interpret the presence of your partner as something 229 00:15:50,916 --> 00:15:55,316 Speaker 1: that it needs to respond to. Right now, ELL's breaks 230 00:15:55,876 --> 00:16:00,076 Speaker 1: treat her partner as like slam on the breaks, emergency stop. 231 00:16:00,756 --> 00:16:04,476 Speaker 1: What will happen gradually is that it responds less and 232 00:16:04,716 --> 00:16:08,516 Speaker 1: less to that stimulus, until eventually her partner can be 233 00:16:08,556 --> 00:16:12,796 Speaker 1: present and her breaks don't even notice. Okay, so that's 234 00:16:12,996 --> 00:16:16,116 Speaker 1: the science of what's happening. But like, why are those 235 00:16:16,156 --> 00:16:21,756 Speaker 1: breaks even coming on at all culturally personally, especially with 236 00:16:21,796 --> 00:16:25,116 Speaker 1: someone that you really love and trust. How did that happen? 237 00:16:25,596 --> 00:16:31,036 Speaker 1: The answer is the patriarchy. So many people, especially those 238 00:16:31,036 --> 00:16:34,316 Speaker 1: of us who are raised as girls are taught to 239 00:16:34,436 --> 00:16:38,036 Speaker 1: shift all of our attention to the other persons wants 240 00:16:38,036 --> 00:16:41,996 Speaker 1: and needs when that other person is present. Even if 241 00:16:42,036 --> 00:16:44,876 Speaker 1: you know how to orgasm independently, once that other person 242 00:16:44,996 --> 00:16:49,036 Speaker 1: shows up, you just block off everything about your own 243 00:16:49,116 --> 00:16:54,116 Speaker 1: pleasure because you're too busy worrying about their wants and needs, 244 00:16:54,116 --> 00:16:57,916 Speaker 1: making sure their expectations are met. You're worrying that you're 245 00:16:57,956 --> 00:17:01,676 Speaker 1: taking too long. You're wondering if they're bored. You're wondering, 246 00:17:01,956 --> 00:17:04,556 Speaker 1: you're feeling self critical, like you should have been able 247 00:17:04,596 --> 00:17:07,236 Speaker 1: to come by now, and that self criticism is just 248 00:17:07,436 --> 00:17:11,236 Speaker 1: more stuff hitting the break. So you're gradually training your 249 00:17:11,276 --> 00:17:15,516 Speaker 1: brain not to activate all that ancient stuff that you 250 00:17:15,596 --> 00:17:19,316 Speaker 1: absorbed about gender roles at some early part in your life. 251 00:17:20,396 --> 00:17:23,916 Speaker 1: Does that make sense? That makes a lot of sense. 252 00:17:23,956 --> 00:17:26,836 Speaker 1: I'm telling you the patriarchy interferes with our orgasms. If 253 00:17:26,836 --> 00:17:29,076 Speaker 1: we want to have great orgasms, if our partners want 254 00:17:29,156 --> 00:17:31,756 Speaker 1: us to have great orgasms, we all got to collaborate 255 00:17:31,756 --> 00:17:34,436 Speaker 1: to dismantle the patriarchy because it is super messing with 256 00:17:34,476 --> 00:17:36,716 Speaker 1: our orgasms. We really need to get that written into 257 00:17:36,716 --> 00:17:39,476 Speaker 1: the feminist agenda. Can you talk a little bit more 258 00:17:39,596 --> 00:17:44,196 Speaker 1: about what else, like culturally, socially or culturally could be 259 00:17:44,276 --> 00:17:48,316 Speaker 1: hitting the breaks. Is that even possible. I'm just gonna say, 260 00:17:48,396 --> 00:17:53,876 Speaker 1: body image, body image, mic drop. So there's a lot 261 00:17:53,916 --> 00:17:57,396 Speaker 1: of cultural stuff that could be hitting anyone's breaks. Yeah, 262 00:17:57,956 --> 00:18:00,436 Speaker 1: so many other kinds of things. She said she was 263 00:18:00,476 --> 00:18:03,716 Speaker 1: raised Catholic, which I think a lot of people who 264 00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:06,156 Speaker 1: are raised Catholic have told me that they were taught 265 00:18:06,156 --> 00:18:08,476 Speaker 1: to feel ashamed even of the fact that they were 266 00:18:08,516 --> 00:18:15,396 Speaker 1: experienced curiosity about sex, never mind sexual pleasure, arousal orgasm. 267 00:18:15,476 --> 00:18:19,876 Speaker 1: For someone to see you, it's like getting caught. Many 268 00:18:19,876 --> 00:18:23,116 Speaker 1: people who are raised religious, especially in a religion like Catholicism, 269 00:18:23,116 --> 00:18:27,636 Speaker 1: with this idea that God can see everything that you do. Actually, 270 00:18:27,716 --> 00:18:29,356 Speaker 1: I don't know for sure if that is a Catholic thing. 271 00:18:29,356 --> 00:18:33,396 Speaker 1: I would have to Catholic I was okay. Also, yeah, 272 00:18:33,476 --> 00:18:38,716 Speaker 1: many people with that background experience even masturbation. They're like, 273 00:18:38,796 --> 00:18:42,716 Speaker 1: God can see me doing this, and that alone can 274 00:18:42,756 --> 00:18:45,236 Speaker 1: make it complicated and difficult, and they've had to overcome 275 00:18:46,196 --> 00:18:49,756 Speaker 1: that level of being observed while they're with their body, 276 00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:55,436 Speaker 1: and they might even develop a slightly unhelpful masturbation patterns 277 00:18:55,556 --> 00:18:57,476 Speaker 1: because they just want to do it fast. They want 278 00:18:57,476 --> 00:19:00,156 Speaker 1: to get it over with so that they have as 279 00:19:00,196 --> 00:19:03,356 Speaker 1: little shame as possible. So for that last bit of 280 00:19:03,396 --> 00:19:08,076 Speaker 1: advice for L, I would say, do that graded exposure activity. 281 00:19:08,196 --> 00:19:10,236 Speaker 1: Even if you don't have access to a therapist, you 282 00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:16,516 Speaker 1: can try it on your own. But also try masturbating 283 00:19:16,956 --> 00:19:23,156 Speaker 1: without orgasm. Allow your body to experience sensation without any 284 00:19:23,196 --> 00:19:26,956 Speaker 1: destination in mind, with no particular time limit. Just allow 285 00:19:27,076 --> 00:19:30,956 Speaker 1: the pleasure to be what it is, let it grow 286 00:19:31,276 --> 00:19:34,116 Speaker 1: as much as it wants to, and just notice what 287 00:19:34,196 --> 00:19:39,516 Speaker 1: that feels like. No judgment. Ah, sounds like best Sunday 288 00:19:39,516 --> 00:19:43,756 Speaker 1: afternoon ever. Right. Oh, this is so fun. I can't 289 00:19:43,756 --> 00:19:47,316 Speaker 1: believe this is my job. Okay, after the break, I'm 290 00:19:47,316 --> 00:19:50,476 Speaker 1: going to bring you another question about orgasm, and this 291 00:19:50,516 --> 00:19:53,916 Speaker 1: one is about that sensation of needing to pee, and 292 00:19:53,996 --> 00:20:09,876 Speaker 1: I'm very curious what you have to say. We're back 293 00:20:09,916 --> 00:20:13,596 Speaker 1: with our second question about orgasm. Emily, are you ready? 294 00:20:13,876 --> 00:20:18,116 Speaker 1: I'm ready? Okay, Hi Emily, my name is Meg. I 295 00:20:18,196 --> 00:20:21,316 Speaker 1: go about to pronounce to her. I have a question 296 00:20:21,436 --> 00:20:27,196 Speaker 1: regarding orgasm and the sensation of feeling like needing tom pee. 297 00:20:28,076 --> 00:20:30,476 Speaker 1: I've heard a lot of different answers about this, and 298 00:20:30,676 --> 00:20:32,836 Speaker 1: some people say to just if you feel like you 299 00:20:32,916 --> 00:20:35,716 Speaker 1: need to pe, just like let the feeling go, or 300 00:20:35,916 --> 00:20:39,876 Speaker 1: maybe it's not pa it's worked, And I'm getting very 301 00:20:39,916 --> 00:20:44,756 Speaker 1: confused and I don't want it to be on my partner. 302 00:20:45,956 --> 00:20:48,956 Speaker 1: So I'm just a little confused on that and what 303 00:20:49,116 --> 00:20:51,316 Speaker 1: I maybe I should be doing in that case, if 304 00:20:51,316 --> 00:20:54,436 Speaker 1: there is anything that someone should be doing, if that 305 00:20:54,516 --> 00:20:56,996 Speaker 1: makes sense. So I would love your thoughts on that. 306 00:20:57,316 --> 00:21:01,476 Speaker 1: Thank you have a good day. You know. Now I 307 00:21:01,516 --> 00:21:05,156 Speaker 1: want to make sure that my assumption is correct that 308 00:21:05,196 --> 00:21:09,396 Speaker 1: we're talking about penis and vagina sex or manual X 309 00:21:09,476 --> 00:21:13,996 Speaker 1: that involves vaginal penetration. Well, I also assumed we were 310 00:21:13,996 --> 00:21:17,716 Speaker 1: talking about vaginal penetration because to be straight up, that 311 00:21:17,836 --> 00:21:20,316 Speaker 1: is the time that I experienced that sensation of feeling 312 00:21:20,316 --> 00:21:21,876 Speaker 1: like I need to pee. Yeah, that is that is 313 00:21:21,876 --> 00:21:24,076 Speaker 1: the most typical time, and the mechanism is really clear. 314 00:21:24,356 --> 00:21:27,356 Speaker 1: But I followed up with Meg and she said she 315 00:21:27,516 --> 00:21:33,156 Speaker 1: mostly experiences this sensation when she is masturbating with clatoral stimulation. 316 00:21:33,396 --> 00:21:35,796 Speaker 1: And then she said, you know, thinking about this question 317 00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:39,236 Speaker 1: a little bit more, I've only ever had one orgasm 318 00:21:39,276 --> 00:21:42,276 Speaker 1: with partnered sex, and it's hard for me to know 319 00:21:42,556 --> 00:21:46,476 Speaker 1: if that's a normal number for me, or if the 320 00:21:46,596 --> 00:21:49,436 Speaker 1: sensation of needing to pee is part of the problem 321 00:21:49,596 --> 00:21:53,036 Speaker 1: of holding back, you know, having an orgasm with a partner. Sure, 322 00:21:53,436 --> 00:21:56,916 Speaker 1: so this might be another example of funny and more 323 00:21:56,916 --> 00:21:59,156 Speaker 1: difficult to have an orgasm when there's another person present. 324 00:22:00,516 --> 00:22:04,116 Speaker 1: Might be having trouble having an orgasm during penis and 325 00:22:04,196 --> 00:22:08,076 Speaker 1: vagina sex, which is one hundred percent normal. Probably only 326 00:22:08,116 --> 00:22:12,276 Speaker 1: about a quarter of six gender women are reliably orgasmic 327 00:22:12,396 --> 00:22:19,076 Speaker 1: from what the researchers call unassisted intercourse, and the rest 328 00:22:19,156 --> 00:22:22,756 Speaker 1: are sometimes rarely or never orgasmic that way. The simple 329 00:22:22,796 --> 00:22:26,196 Speaker 1: explanation being that the vagina is very far away from 330 00:22:26,276 --> 00:22:30,556 Speaker 1: the clitterests, and a lot of people if you've got 331 00:22:30,556 --> 00:22:32,796 Speaker 1: a clitterist, that's really sort of the hokey pokey it's 332 00:22:32,796 --> 00:22:35,516 Speaker 1: what it's all about, not for everybody. I have absolutely 333 00:22:35,556 --> 00:22:38,676 Speaker 1: had people say to me like, my clitterest is not 334 00:22:38,836 --> 00:22:41,556 Speaker 1: the thing for me, I really and the vaginant is 335 00:22:41,596 --> 00:22:43,956 Speaker 1: not the thing for me. It's external anal stimulation that 336 00:22:44,036 --> 00:22:47,076 Speaker 1: really gets me there. Am I normally yes, yes, absolutely. 337 00:22:47,156 --> 00:22:50,396 Speaker 1: People vary. So even though a lot of sex educators, 338 00:22:50,396 --> 00:22:53,156 Speaker 1: including me, generalize to be like the clitterest, it's what 339 00:22:53,156 --> 00:22:55,756 Speaker 1: it's all about suit turn tables and a microphone. That's 340 00:22:55,756 --> 00:22:59,156 Speaker 1: not the case for everybody, but this is someone who's 341 00:22:59,196 --> 00:23:04,196 Speaker 1: masturbating with stimulation of the clip. So that's the kind 342 00:23:04,196 --> 00:23:09,036 Speaker 1: of stimulation that increases her arousal level to near organ 343 00:23:10,116 --> 00:23:12,956 Speaker 1: So why would it ever feel like you have to pee? 344 00:23:12,996 --> 00:23:16,356 Speaker 1: The reason you and I kind of make that assumption 345 00:23:16,436 --> 00:23:20,476 Speaker 1: that it's about vaginal stimulation is because there's an obvious 346 00:23:20,516 --> 00:23:25,036 Speaker 1: mechanism for that. When there's something in your vagina, there's 347 00:23:25,116 --> 00:23:28,556 Speaker 1: not necessarily anything particularly close to your clutteris, but there 348 00:23:28,676 --> 00:23:33,236 Speaker 1: is something really close to your wrethra and your bladder 349 00:23:33,636 --> 00:23:36,276 Speaker 1: and your yourreth real opening, or as I learned it 350 00:23:36,316 --> 00:23:39,236 Speaker 1: when I was eighteen years old, your yourrethral meatis you remember, 351 00:23:39,236 --> 00:23:43,116 Speaker 1: because you got a hole in your meat, your eth meatis. 352 00:23:45,076 --> 00:23:47,156 Speaker 1: Had to memorize. It was said to me one time, 353 00:23:47,436 --> 00:23:49,556 Speaker 1: and all these years later, it's still the thing I 354 00:23:49,596 --> 00:23:52,956 Speaker 1: am teaching how to remember what the urethral opening is called. Technically. 355 00:23:53,236 --> 00:23:57,236 Speaker 1: Oh great, now I'm gonna remember that forever and everyone 356 00:23:57,276 --> 00:24:02,476 Speaker 1: else who hears this. You're a welcome world. So when 357 00:24:02,516 --> 00:24:06,556 Speaker 1: there's something in your vagina, you have stimulation that is 358 00:24:07,036 --> 00:24:10,916 Speaker 1: very close to your bladder, your wreath, and your urethromiatis, 359 00:24:11,356 --> 00:24:14,636 Speaker 1: and back when you were a little baby and learning 360 00:24:14,716 --> 00:24:18,436 Speaker 1: how to be potty trained, your brain gradually learned that 361 00:24:18,516 --> 00:24:22,676 Speaker 1: particular sensations from particular parts of your body were predictive 362 00:24:22,716 --> 00:24:26,756 Speaker 1: of certain needs. A certain pressure around your bladder or 363 00:24:26,796 --> 00:24:31,836 Speaker 1: around your urethra meant oh, you have to pee. So 364 00:24:31,956 --> 00:24:36,636 Speaker 1: now you get to a time when you're on purpose 365 00:24:36,836 --> 00:24:42,796 Speaker 1: having people put stuff in your vagina, your brain is like, oh, yeah, 366 00:24:42,836 --> 00:24:46,516 Speaker 1: anything in that general area means need to pee, and 367 00:24:46,636 --> 00:24:50,756 Speaker 1: it's just overinterpreting the sensations of your body is like, 368 00:24:50,836 --> 00:24:54,916 Speaker 1: that's in the vicinity of the peace sensations, So I'm 369 00:24:54,916 --> 00:24:58,316 Speaker 1: just going to decide that's peace sensation. Like you can 370 00:24:58,396 --> 00:25:01,796 Speaker 1: pee and empty your bladder before you start having sex. 371 00:25:01,836 --> 00:25:05,516 Speaker 1: You know that your bladder is empty, and yet your 372 00:25:05,516 --> 00:25:08,156 Speaker 1: brain is still going to receive that sensation and be like, 373 00:25:08,556 --> 00:25:11,916 Speaker 1: as far where as I know, anything in that general 374 00:25:11,956 --> 00:25:15,876 Speaker 1: area means pay. But you have to teach your brain 375 00:25:16,316 --> 00:25:18,796 Speaker 1: there's the urge to p and then there's this other 376 00:25:18,836 --> 00:25:23,356 Speaker 1: thing which is right next door kind of literally, but 377 00:25:23,596 --> 00:25:27,076 Speaker 1: is actually a really different sensation. And over time, with practice, 378 00:25:27,116 --> 00:25:30,116 Speaker 1: your brain will learn not to interpret that sensation as 379 00:25:30,156 --> 00:25:34,556 Speaker 1: a need to p. Just allow yourself to relax into 380 00:25:34,596 --> 00:25:37,316 Speaker 1: that sensation. Don't worry about it, because we know that 381 00:25:37,396 --> 00:25:39,836 Speaker 1: worrying about things just hits the breaks and makes it 382 00:25:39,876 --> 00:25:44,276 Speaker 1: more difficult to experience pleasure and access orgasm. You know 383 00:25:44,316 --> 00:25:45,996 Speaker 1: you're not going to pee because you know your bladder 384 00:25:46,036 --> 00:25:51,356 Speaker 1: is empty, and you're gradually exposing your brain to this 385 00:25:51,556 --> 00:25:57,596 Speaker 1: actually really specific sensation of having something in your vagina. 386 00:25:57,796 --> 00:26:01,436 Speaker 1: It's rarer to hear of a person whose brain interprets 387 00:26:02,436 --> 00:26:06,676 Speaker 1: clitteral stimulation as a need to p, but it could 388 00:26:06,676 --> 00:26:10,076 Speaker 1: easily be the same sort of phenomenon where anything down 389 00:26:10,116 --> 00:26:13,636 Speaker 1: there is interpreted by the brain as a need to pee. 390 00:26:14,436 --> 00:26:19,476 Speaker 1: Another thing that's happening is that the big internal structures 391 00:26:19,476 --> 00:26:24,316 Speaker 1: of the clitteress are swelling with arousal. And everyone's body 392 00:26:24,396 --> 00:26:27,916 Speaker 1: is laid out differently and uniquely, and it may be 393 00:26:28,636 --> 00:26:32,876 Speaker 1: that the big internal swollen parts of her clitterus. We 394 00:26:32,956 --> 00:26:38,836 Speaker 1: know that they straddle the urethra and the urethra sponge 395 00:26:38,996 --> 00:26:44,396 Speaker 1: and all of that tissue. So maybe the internal structures 396 00:26:44,396 --> 00:26:49,076 Speaker 1: of the clitteress are actually creating sensations around the urethra 397 00:26:50,076 --> 00:26:54,516 Speaker 1: and so same thing where through this internal stimulation. She's 398 00:26:54,556 --> 00:26:58,796 Speaker 1: actually getting urethral signals. Does that make sense, Yeah, it 399 00:26:58,836 --> 00:27:01,996 Speaker 1: does make sense. I think though, that we're assuming that 400 00:27:02,436 --> 00:27:04,356 Speaker 1: the sensation of meaning to pee, if she were to 401 00:27:04,356 --> 00:27:07,796 Speaker 1: release it, would actually cause her to p And then 402 00:27:07,796 --> 00:27:10,276 Speaker 1: that gets to the second part of her because if 403 00:27:10,316 --> 00:27:14,156 Speaker 1: a person's bladder is empty before they start sex, the 404 00:27:14,196 --> 00:27:18,236 Speaker 1: odds of them needing to pee again mere minutes later, 405 00:27:18,396 --> 00:27:21,716 Speaker 1: even twenty minutes an hour later, you just don't need 406 00:27:21,756 --> 00:27:26,116 Speaker 1: to pee that badly unless you've been like hyperhydrating or 407 00:27:26,156 --> 00:27:30,636 Speaker 1: are in the middle of dehydrating from having been retaining fluids. 408 00:27:31,236 --> 00:27:35,116 Speaker 1: It's just not that likely. Okay, So if she empties 409 00:27:35,156 --> 00:27:38,916 Speaker 1: her bladder before she starts either masturbation or sex, and 410 00:27:39,156 --> 00:27:42,196 Speaker 1: is not drinking, not super hydrating in between, then anything 411 00:27:42,196 --> 00:27:44,516 Speaker 1: that comes out is not going to be pee. Okay, 412 00:27:44,676 --> 00:27:46,476 Speaker 1: let's talk about it. Then what would it be? Well, 413 00:27:46,516 --> 00:27:49,116 Speaker 1: it could be well, oh man, now we have to 414 00:27:49,116 --> 00:27:51,836 Speaker 1: get into scorting, which is like a whole thing in 415 00:27:51,876 --> 00:27:55,276 Speaker 1: and of itself real quick. It could be that she's 416 00:27:55,396 --> 00:27:59,876 Speaker 1: experiencing sensations around the glands at the mouth of the 417 00:27:59,996 --> 00:28:06,396 Speaker 1: urethral opening. These glands are the source of the comparatively 418 00:28:06,516 --> 00:28:13,836 Speaker 1: small volume of external ejaculate that can sometimes beep squirting. 419 00:28:13,916 --> 00:28:19,916 Speaker 1: It's what happens with intense pressure around the genitals, often 420 00:28:19,956 --> 00:28:23,276 Speaker 1: accompanied by orgasm, though not always, but it could very 421 00:28:23,276 --> 00:28:25,076 Speaker 1: well be that if something comes out, it's just this 422 00:28:25,236 --> 00:28:29,556 Speaker 1: little bit of fluid tablespoon or so from the skens 423 00:28:29,676 --> 00:28:33,236 Speaker 1: glands around the urethra. Can I just say that is 424 00:28:33,276 --> 00:28:37,876 Speaker 1: the sensation of having your skens glands swallow up? Is 425 00:28:37,916 --> 00:28:40,836 Speaker 1: that similar to the sensation needing to pe? It can 426 00:28:40,876 --> 00:28:43,796 Speaker 1: be again because your brain, because it's sort of new 427 00:28:44,076 --> 00:28:49,676 Speaker 1: when you first begin having mashibatory or partnered stimulation of 428 00:28:49,716 --> 00:28:53,436 Speaker 1: the genitals, it's this new kind of sensation. Your brain 429 00:28:53,516 --> 00:28:58,316 Speaker 1: has to learn how to understand those sensations. So as 430 00:28:58,396 --> 00:29:02,476 Speaker 1: your brain gets practice, it will differentiate that sensation from 431 00:29:02,876 --> 00:29:07,116 Speaker 1: the general urge to p or pressure from the bladder specifically, 432 00:29:07,556 --> 00:29:11,956 Speaker 1: And what would practice look like. It sounds like she's 433 00:29:12,436 --> 00:29:14,596 Speaker 1: not really interested in having this happen with a partner, 434 00:29:14,596 --> 00:29:18,276 Speaker 1: So practice is definitely going to mean on your own 435 00:29:19,276 --> 00:29:23,956 Speaker 1: experiencing that sensation of pressure of the bladder, the sensation 436 00:29:23,956 --> 00:29:27,516 Speaker 1: that your brain is interpreting as urgency to pee, relaxing 437 00:29:27,516 --> 00:29:31,676 Speaker 1: into it, allowing your arousal to increase, like softening your 438 00:29:31,716 --> 00:29:35,876 Speaker 1: body into that sensation, not worrying about it. You allow 439 00:29:36,196 --> 00:29:39,156 Speaker 1: the pressure to build. It will grow and grow, and 440 00:29:39,276 --> 00:29:43,436 Speaker 1: you allow it. You relax into that sensation. We're not 441 00:29:43,476 --> 00:29:45,196 Speaker 1: even going to call it pleasure because right now it's 442 00:29:45,196 --> 00:29:47,396 Speaker 1: just a sensation. It's just a thing your body is doing, 443 00:29:47,756 --> 00:29:49,876 Speaker 1: and it's you can be curious about it. Well, this 444 00:29:49,956 --> 00:29:52,756 Speaker 1: is fascinating. I wonder what happens if I keep going. 445 00:29:52,996 --> 00:29:56,476 Speaker 1: You're practicing having that do I have to pee kind 446 00:29:56,476 --> 00:30:01,316 Speaker 1: of sensation without letting it hit the brakes. It's actually 447 00:30:01,316 --> 00:30:05,036 Speaker 1: really similar to Elle's question, where you're doing this kind 448 00:30:05,076 --> 00:30:09,436 Speaker 1: of graded exposure. You're aware of it and you're still safe. 449 00:30:09,916 --> 00:30:13,676 Speaker 1: So session after session, you move closer and closer to 450 00:30:13,916 --> 00:30:17,956 Speaker 1: a higher intensity of stimulation and you allow it to grow. 451 00:30:18,356 --> 00:30:20,676 Speaker 1: You notice that your brain is now fretting and worrying 452 00:30:20,716 --> 00:30:23,676 Speaker 1: what if it's p and you just set that thought aside. 453 00:30:23,916 --> 00:30:25,796 Speaker 1: You put it on the back burner, and you return 454 00:30:25,796 --> 00:30:28,796 Speaker 1: your attention to the sensations that are happening in your body. 455 00:30:28,996 --> 00:30:32,396 Speaker 1: And then the worry comes along again and you're like, hello, worry, 456 00:30:32,476 --> 00:30:33,876 Speaker 1: We're just going to set you over to the side, 457 00:30:33,876 --> 00:30:35,316 Speaker 1: and I'm just going to pay attention to what the 458 00:30:35,316 --> 00:30:39,676 Speaker 1: sensation is. It is, in fact a mindfulness practice of 459 00:30:39,876 --> 00:30:43,236 Speaker 1: being able to experience something without being worried about it, 460 00:30:43,356 --> 00:30:46,356 Speaker 1: like noting, yes, I don't have an opinion about it. 461 00:30:46,356 --> 00:30:48,996 Speaker 1: I just that's a thing that's happening and that's not 462 00:30:48,996 --> 00:30:51,476 Speaker 1: what I'm paying attention to right now. And if it 463 00:30:51,516 --> 00:30:54,036 Speaker 1: helps to have a waterproof blanket on your bed, have 464 00:30:54,116 --> 00:30:56,116 Speaker 1: a waterproof We have a lot in my house because 465 00:30:56,116 --> 00:30:58,956 Speaker 1: we have dogs, and aging dogs have a lot of incontinences, 466 00:30:59,156 --> 00:31:00,556 Speaker 1: so we have a lot of waterfrool. Like it's a 467 00:31:00,636 --> 00:31:02,956 Speaker 1: very normal, ordinary thing to go buy is a waterproof 468 00:31:02,956 --> 00:31:06,476 Speaker 1: sheet and put it under you and if anything comes out, 469 00:31:07,876 --> 00:31:10,356 Speaker 1: that's fascinating, I wonder what that could be, because it's 470 00:31:10,396 --> 00:31:15,756 Speaker 1: definitely not p because I emptied my bladder. And it's 471 00:31:15,796 --> 00:31:18,556 Speaker 1: important for me to say that if you're squirting, even 472 00:31:18,596 --> 00:31:21,996 Speaker 1: if it is urine, the only measure of whether it's 473 00:31:22,036 --> 00:31:23,476 Speaker 1: right or wrong is whether or not you like it. 474 00:31:23,596 --> 00:31:27,556 Speaker 1: And if you don't like it, then okay, don't do that. 475 00:31:27,636 --> 00:31:30,796 Speaker 1: And if you do like it, who cares if it's p. 476 00:31:32,516 --> 00:31:38,076 Speaker 1: Literally we're trained to control our bladders very early in 477 00:31:38,116 --> 00:31:40,756 Speaker 1: our lives and often a lot of us are trained 478 00:31:40,796 --> 00:31:44,676 Speaker 1: to associate a feeling of shame and failure when we 479 00:31:44,796 --> 00:31:50,476 Speaker 1: don't control our bladders. And that's all just learned. Like 480 00:31:50,596 --> 00:31:55,436 Speaker 1: p is not dangerous, it is sterile, it's okay, sort of. 481 00:31:55,436 --> 00:31:59,876 Speaker 1: The radical way to approach us is to say, I 482 00:31:59,916 --> 00:32:04,876 Speaker 1: am not ashamed of my bodily functions, and my body 483 00:32:04,916 --> 00:32:08,076 Speaker 1: can do what it wants to do. It can release fluids, 484 00:32:08,116 --> 00:32:13,436 Speaker 1: it can make them mess especially for women, were taught 485 00:32:13,476 --> 00:32:16,316 Speaker 1: not to be messy and not to take up space. 486 00:32:17,396 --> 00:32:20,756 Speaker 1: So nothing to be ashamed of happening here. It's difficult. 487 00:32:20,756 --> 00:32:23,916 Speaker 1: I'm not saying that's easy. So hard, but it can be. 488 00:32:24,356 --> 00:32:27,636 Speaker 1: It can be powerful and rewarding to recognize that everything 489 00:32:27,636 --> 00:32:31,316 Speaker 1: that you're experiencing is completely normal, and there is no 490 00:32:31,396 --> 00:32:35,076 Speaker 1: sensation that your body can produce that is in and 491 00:32:35,116 --> 00:32:41,116 Speaker 1: of itself dangerous. No genital sensation that isn't pain is 492 00:32:41,156 --> 00:32:45,556 Speaker 1: indicative of the medical problem. You can allow it to 493 00:32:45,596 --> 00:32:51,956 Speaker 1: be what it is and be safe. All right, Let's 494 00:32:51,956 --> 00:32:53,916 Speaker 1: take a quick break, and when we get back, I 495 00:32:53,956 --> 00:32:56,596 Speaker 1: want you to tie up this episode and everything we've 496 00:32:56,676 --> 00:33:10,356 Speaker 1: learned about orgasms. All right, we're back. Let's wrap this 497 00:33:10,396 --> 00:33:12,876 Speaker 1: puppy up. We have learned so much about orgasm as 498 00:33:12,876 --> 00:33:16,076 Speaker 1: a brain process, and I've learned for the first time 499 00:33:16,196 --> 00:33:20,436 Speaker 1: that anyone can learn to have orgasm, or change their orgasms, 500 00:33:20,556 --> 00:33:26,116 Speaker 1: or improve their orgasms by basically turning off the office, 501 00:33:26,396 --> 00:33:32,956 Speaker 1: turning on the ons, and relaxing into sensation. Yeah, great questions. 502 00:33:33,276 --> 00:33:36,916 Speaker 1: Orgasm questions tend to be great. And going back to 503 00:33:36,916 --> 00:33:38,876 Speaker 1: what I was saying at the beginning of this episode 504 00:33:38,956 --> 00:33:43,916 Speaker 1: about like letting go and surrendering to pleasure, that's the 505 00:33:43,956 --> 00:33:47,916 Speaker 1: first step kind of no matter what struggle you're having 506 00:33:47,956 --> 00:33:51,356 Speaker 1: with orgasm, because again, orgasm is a brain process, and 507 00:33:51,436 --> 00:33:55,916 Speaker 1: so interventions are brain interventions. So whether you're trying to 508 00:33:56,516 --> 00:34:00,716 Speaker 1: really enjoy the orgasms you already have, or you would 509 00:34:00,756 --> 00:34:03,876 Speaker 1: like your orgasms to last longer, you'd like to have 510 00:34:04,036 --> 00:34:09,796 Speaker 1: orgasms more easily, or you want to have your first orgasm, 511 00:34:09,876 --> 00:34:15,116 Speaker 1: wherever you're at, Step one is allowing your body to 512 00:34:15,436 --> 00:34:19,756 Speaker 1: surrender to the sensations, whatever is happening in this moment, 513 00:34:20,436 --> 00:34:25,036 Speaker 1: and while you're doing that, let go of all the 514 00:34:25,276 --> 00:34:29,916 Speaker 1: stress and worry and fear or shame about whether or 515 00:34:29,916 --> 00:34:31,996 Speaker 1: not you're doing it right, or whether or not it's 516 00:34:32,036 --> 00:34:35,636 Speaker 1: supposed to be functioning. Differently, or are you even having orgasms? 517 00:34:35,716 --> 00:34:39,716 Speaker 1: Is this an orgasm right now? When you can allow 518 00:34:39,796 --> 00:34:44,036 Speaker 1: your body to surrender to the sensation and to let 519 00:34:44,156 --> 00:34:49,116 Speaker 1: go of the fear. When you do that pretty difficult 520 00:34:49,156 --> 00:34:55,036 Speaker 1: mental work, that's how you get to kind of orgasms 521 00:34:55,676 --> 00:35:00,356 Speaker 1: you don't even know exist until you have them. Your 522 00:35:00,436 --> 00:35:10,156 Speaker 1: whole body is like a bell that's ringing. Commas You 523 00:35:10,156 --> 00:35:13,316 Speaker 1: Are is a production of Pushkin Industries and Madison Wells. 524 00:35:13,636 --> 00:35:16,916 Speaker 1: It's hosted by Emily Nagosky. You can find Emily on 525 00:35:16,996 --> 00:35:21,356 Speaker 1: Instagram at e Nagowsky and on Twitter at Emily Nagosky. 526 00:35:21,876 --> 00:35:24,396 Speaker 1: You can also sign up for her newsletter at Emily 527 00:35:24,476 --> 00:35:28,276 Speaker 1: Nagosky dot com, where she writes about everything from the 528 00:35:28,356 --> 00:35:32,276 Speaker 1: clitterest in your mind to orgasm after having hysterectom. It's 529 00:35:32,316 --> 00:35:36,636 Speaker 1: an incredible newsletter. Highly recommended. This show is co hosted 530 00:35:36,676 --> 00:35:39,796 Speaker 1: and lead produced by me Mola Board. You can find 531 00:35:39,836 --> 00:35:44,316 Speaker 1: me online at Molaboard and on TikTok at podcast dot 532 00:35:44,316 --> 00:35:48,116 Speaker 1: slut Sorry mom. My co producer on this show is 533 00:35:48,116 --> 00:35:52,316 Speaker 1: the fabulous Brittany Brown. Our editor is Kate Parkinson Morgan. 534 00:35:52,676 --> 00:35:56,356 Speaker 1: Sound design and mix by Anne Pope. Executive producers are 535 00:35:56,436 --> 00:36:01,276 Speaker 1: Mia LaBelle and leetal Malade at Pushkin thanks to Heather Fane, 536 00:36:01,356 --> 00:36:07,516 Speaker 1: Carly Migliori, Sophie Crane, Courtney Guarino, Jason Gambrel, Julia Barton, 537 00:36:08,076 --> 00:36:12,436 Speaker 1: John Schnars, and Jacob Weisberg. At Madison Wells thanks to 538 00:36:12,516 --> 00:36:17,836 Speaker 1: Kylie Williams, Elizabeth Goodstein and Gg Pritzker. Additional thanks to 539 00:36:18,036 --> 00:36:24,116 Speaker 1: Rich Stevens, Lindsay Edgecombe Frolic Media, and Peter Acker at 540 00:36:24,236 --> 00:36:28,356 Speaker 1: Armadillo Audio Group. Original music for this series was composed 541 00:36:28,396 --> 00:36:34,756 Speaker 1: by Ameliagowski and arranged and recorded by Alexandra Kalinovsky. Additional 542 00:36:34,836 --> 00:36:39,116 Speaker 1: music from Epidemic Sound. You can find Pushkin on all 543 00:36:39,236 --> 00:36:42,836 Speaker 1: social platforms at pushkin Pods, and you can sign up 544 00:36:42,836 --> 00:36:46,396 Speaker 1: for our newsletter at pushkin dot Fm. If you love 545 00:36:46,436 --> 00:36:50,116 Speaker 1: this show and others from Pushkin Industries, consider subscribing to 546 00:36:50,156 --> 00:36:55,356 Speaker 1: Pushkin Plus. Pushkin Plus is a podcast subscription that offers 547 00:36:55,436 --> 00:36:59,836 Speaker 1: bonus content and uninterrupted listening for only four ninety nine 548 00:36:59,876 --> 00:37:03,356 Speaker 1: a month. Look for Pushkin Plus on Apple podcast subscriptions 549 00:37:03,476 --> 00:37:07,116 Speaker 1: or at pushkin dot Fm. If you subscribe to pushkin Plus, 550 00:37:07,476 --> 00:37:10,116 Speaker 1: you can hear Come as You Are and other Pushkin shows. 551 00:37:10,276 --> 00:37:14,116 Speaker 1: Add free, very nice and you'll get episodes a week. 552 00:37:14,156 --> 00:37:16,476 Speaker 1: Early sign up on the come as you are show 553 00:37:16,516 --> 00:37:20,356 Speaker 1: page in Apple Podcasts or at pushkin dot fm. To 554 00:37:20,436 --> 00:37:25,156 Speaker 1: find more Pushkin podcasts, listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, 555 00:37:25,356 --> 00:37:35,356 Speaker 1: or wherever you like to listen. If there's just a 556 00:37:35,396 --> 00:37:38,076 Speaker 1: small volume, the most likely story is that it was 557 00:37:38,676 --> 00:37:42,356 Speaker 1: increased pressure in your skins glands and they just squirted 558 00:37:42,356 --> 00:37:44,916 Speaker 1: out fluid. I don't know why I made that sound. 559 00:37:44,916 --> 00:37:47,076 Speaker 1: That is not the sound makes That doesn't make a sound.