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Speaker 1: Hey guys, welcome to this week's episode of the PSC Podcast.

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Speaker 1: Its sugirl Ebane and before we can get let's do

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Speaker 1: a little housekeeping. UM, please make sure you follow me

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Speaker 1: on all social media platforms, The Professional Homegirl, the PSC podcast,

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Speaker 1: and ebanae Beauty. Please make sure you visit my websites

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Speaker 1: at the Professional Homegirl dot com and ebanee Beauty. This

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Speaker 1: episode is sponsored by Ebane Beauty, so please make sure

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Speaker 1: you use your code PhD tend to receive some coins

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Speaker 1: off and last and not least, make sure you rate

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Speaker 1: and review the PhD Podcast on all major streamium plat

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Speaker 1: podcast platforms. So please keep in mind that all of

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Speaker 1: my guests are anonymous. So let's begin. So, I think

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Speaker 1: this week was perfect time and to do this episode. UM,

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Speaker 1: we're gonna be talking about mental health and emotional struggles.

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Speaker 1: I think that's something that we all can relate to. UM,

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Speaker 1: I think that's some of the stuff you're gonna talk about.

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Speaker 1: It's gonna be a little difficult, but I'm pretty confident

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Speaker 1: that my guests will will be able to share some

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Speaker 1: positivity by sharing her experience and sis and how she

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Speaker 1: overcame a lot of trauma which we all are dealing

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Speaker 1: with from our childhood. So I was trying to figure

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Speaker 1: out how I can break up this interview because I

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Speaker 1: feel like you went through or you overcame so much,

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Speaker 1: so and I wanted to make sure that we touched

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Speaker 1: on like a lot of things, because you have, like

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Speaker 1: there a lot of different things that you can talk

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Speaker 1: about that I think they will be able to help

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Speaker 1: the listeners. So I figured we could break it up

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Speaker 1: as in past, present, and future. Okay, so in the past,

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Speaker 1: we're gonna talk about something of the factors that led

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Speaker 1: up to your own emotional struggles. So at the age

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Speaker 1: of five, can tell us what happened? Yeah, at the

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Speaker 1: age of five, I was at a family gathering. I

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Speaker 1: come from a very very large family. My grandmother had

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Speaker 1: thirteen He was the youngest of thirteen. So if you

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Speaker 1: imagine all of her siblings then having kids. One of

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Speaker 1: her brothers had eleven children, so a lot of you

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Speaker 1: got a big family, huge family. And um, we were

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Speaker 1: up in l a Um, South central actually, and a

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Speaker 1: lot of the adults from my parents generation went out

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Speaker 1: to party. All the kids with their grand perspective, grandparents

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Speaker 1: and so there just was a lot of adults in

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Speaker 1: the house, and um, you know how it is when

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Speaker 1: you're growing up, all your cousins are spread out all

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Speaker 1: over the floor on palette sleeping, So all of us

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Speaker 1: were just you know, sleeping around the house and someone

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Speaker 1: came into where I was sleeping and molested me while

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Speaker 1: I was sleeping, and uh, I actually woke up in

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Speaker 1: the middle of it, and that was obviously extremely traumatizing.

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Speaker 1: And when I woke up the next morning, my underwear

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Speaker 1: was actually missing. Do you know who did it? Nope?

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Speaker 1: To this day, I do not know who did it

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Speaker 1: five or if there's someone who I look in the

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Speaker 1: ace when I go see my family or when people

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Speaker 1: are commenting on my stuff on Facebook, I don't know

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Speaker 1: who did it. Yeah, which is very difficult at times

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Speaker 1: still because like who do you know the trust? Yes exactly,

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Speaker 1: mm hmmm. Um. So yeah, that happened when I was five,

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Speaker 1: and I didn't tell anyone about it until I was

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Speaker 1: twenty three years old, So at the age of eight,

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Speaker 1: which is something that I know that I can relate to.

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Speaker 1: Your father and your mother got divorce, yes, and then

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Speaker 1: that affected you as well extremely. My parents got divorced.

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Speaker 1: My father developed a crack addiction when I was in kindergarten.

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Speaker 1: So five was a rough year for me and um,

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Speaker 1: because of the molestation and a lot of the trauma

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Speaker 1: that was associated with having a drug addicted parent, I

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Speaker 1: developed binge eating disorder. So that's how I would cope.

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Speaker 1: I would sneak in the middle of the night and

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Speaker 1: like stuff my face with as much food as I

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Speaker 1: could until my stomach would hurt because it just made

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Speaker 1: me feel better. And UM, yeah, that was that. I

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Speaker 1: had that for um for aged fifteen. Really yeah, well

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Speaker 1: not with me. When I was reading your book, you

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Speaker 1: said that an aged fifteen. That's for my understand as

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Speaker 1: a reader, that's when you say, um, at age fifteen,

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Speaker 1: you knew that your body was growing. You need your nutrition,

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Speaker 1: so you need to take care of yourself. On my

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Speaker 1: mom Like, I'm thinking to myself, like, wow, she's been

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Speaker 1: doing this for a while for her stuff to tell

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Speaker 1: herself that at fifteen. It's well yeah, so at fifteen, Um,

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Speaker 1: that's when it became my body image issues became about

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Speaker 1: being skinny or being attractive, and so I was doing

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Speaker 1: severe things like throwing up whenever I would eat, or

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Speaker 1: I would have a bench cycle, which means for two

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Speaker 1: or three days. I just was eating an excessive amounts

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Speaker 1: and then I would feel guilty for eating that much,

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Speaker 1: so then I would try to balance it out by

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Speaker 1: starving myself for a few days. What did I do

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Speaker 1: do that? Did you see that some word? Or did

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Speaker 1: you just like yeah, So I've had bilimia since that

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Speaker 1: was eight years old. So the same year my parents

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Speaker 1: got divorced um everything changed for our households, especially financially

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Speaker 1: because we transition from a two parent household to one,

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Speaker 1: and so not having a lot of groceries and being

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Speaker 1: on food stamps and just being very limited with our resources.

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Speaker 1: It wasn't easy for me to sneak all the food

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Speaker 1: and go unnoticed, and so a lot of shame and

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Speaker 1: just getting in trouble for eating up everything was happening

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Speaker 1: all the time. And so I had seen in some

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Speaker 1: maybe it was like a Nickelodeon show where someone like

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Speaker 1: jokingly stuck their finger down their throat like to make

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Speaker 1: the funny gag most and I remember being like why

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Speaker 1: did they do that, and someone older than me it

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Speaker 1: was like, oh, because that just it means they're sick,

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Speaker 1: Like it makes you throw up, like they're sick. Of

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Speaker 1: it's a joke, like you do that when you're sick

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Speaker 1: of something. And at the times that I got in

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Speaker 1: trouble for eating everything, I just felt so ashamed and

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Speaker 1: angry at myself because it was like, what's wrong with you?

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Speaker 1: Why can't you stop eating? Like why do you need

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Speaker 1: to eat everything? It's not all yours. Your mom's gonna

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Speaker 1: be mad at you, everyone hates you. And so it

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Speaker 1: wasn't about getting rid of it too, not be fat

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Speaker 1: because I was eight, Like who cares? It was about

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Speaker 1: I need rid of it because I'm so shamed for

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Speaker 1: doing that. Do you think that that came from also

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Speaker 1: from me? B A molested that five because you didn't

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Speaker 1: tell anybody. Yeah, Yeah, that's definitely why I developed bene

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Speaker 1: eating disorder, and that's definitely why I was eating everything. Um.

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Speaker 1: I think that we spoke through something traumatic as a child,

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Speaker 1: and if you're not given the space and the opportunity

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Speaker 1: and start, yeah articulated and to heal from it and

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Speaker 1: acknowledge it, then whatever you find to survive emotionally kind

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Speaker 1: of becomes your blueprint. So because I didn't have a

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Speaker 1: name for eating disorder or binge eating, or for even

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Speaker 1: what molestation was pretty scary and painful happened to me,

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Speaker 1: and I just wanted the bad feelings to go away.

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Speaker 1: And so for every trauma that happened to me after

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Speaker 1: age five, food was my go too, you know. So yeah,

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Speaker 1: I would definitely agree that that happened because of the molestation.

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Speaker 1: That was like the first thing. And by the way, everyone, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I know the girl. I always do this when one

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Speaker 1: of the girls on the what on the podcast and

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Speaker 1: my guest has a book, or if they promote them,

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Speaker 1: all about promoting our sisters. So if you're interested in

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Speaker 1: reading her book, which is amazing, I read her book

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Speaker 1: with I think it's took me like three days because

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Speaker 1: I was reading on the train back and forth to work.

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Speaker 1: Please email me at Hello Hello at the Professional Homeguard

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Speaker 1: dot com. It's a good read, very easy, very traitful.

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Speaker 1: I think it's um stuff that we definitely talked about

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Speaker 1: in the regular basis where our home girls where, our

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Speaker 1: families where boyfriends. So please, really amazing books, So at

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Speaker 1: age You're welcome. No, it really was, because I feel

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Speaker 1: like there's so much stuff that's going on and throughout

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Speaker 1: your book, and I know I'm jumping ahead, but throughout

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Speaker 1: your book. It's just like conversation that we really have

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Speaker 1: on a regular day, like, oh my god, I hate Mondays.

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Speaker 1: You had a letter about Monday blues. Oh my god,

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Speaker 1: I hate um I feel like I'm overwhelmed at work.

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Speaker 1: You had like it's a good range of topics, so

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Speaker 1: really good. So that's really good. Um. Also, you said

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Speaker 1: at age fourteen, I don't know if this is when

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Speaker 1: you begin, but in the book you said that she

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Speaker 1: was also self harming yourself as far as cutting yourself. Yes, yeah, um.

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Speaker 1: Now it's crazy how pop culture influences us, because at

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Speaker 1: the time I was really too um Degrassi and one

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Speaker 1: of the girls on that with self harming, and I

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Speaker 1: think that a lot of stuff like that, like that

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Speaker 1: kind of content is designed to raise awareness and like

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Speaker 1: kind of show kids who maybe experiencing that a way out.

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Speaker 1: But when I saw it, I just felt really curious

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Speaker 1: to know what that must be like. Because I would

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Speaker 1: eat until my stomach would be so full that it

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Speaker 1: would hurt me, or I would throw up and throw

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Speaker 1: up hard enough so that it would hurt my throat.

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Speaker 1: Because it just I felt a sense of relief in

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Speaker 1: physical pain. It felt like a distraction from the emotional pain,

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Speaker 1: and did it feel like he was like releasing it. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it felt like a release. It felt like if something

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Speaker 1: was just about to explode and you were just like

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Speaker 1: pop a hole in it and it would like slowly release.

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Speaker 1: Like that's how I felt. You know what's so crazy?

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Speaker 1: I was having this conversation because just one of my listeners,

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Speaker 1: who's one of my good friends. I was like, oh

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Speaker 1: my god, I just finished this girl's book and it

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Speaker 1: was amazing, and we're gonna talk about like self harm

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Speaker 1: and clean yourself. She had to eat disorder and she

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Speaker 1: was like, you know what's so crazy? She was like,

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Speaker 1: I didn't learn how to cut myself and I didn't

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Speaker 1: know much about it. And I watched the same episode

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Speaker 1: you're talking about on the digressing that isn't that fret

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Speaker 1: and the fact if you said that, And it's just

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Speaker 1: to me because I don't watch a lot of TV

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Speaker 1: as is, and I love to read. But it's just like,

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Speaker 1: you really have some monitor what we watch on TV

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Speaker 1: because it introduced you to stuff. It does. It does,

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Speaker 1: and it's just like when you are a kid who

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Speaker 1: has no one to talk to and it's just dealing

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Speaker 1: with all these demons, what is meant to be educational

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Speaker 1: content is turns into a very quick instruction how to

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Speaker 1: guide What are some signs to notice that someone is

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Speaker 1: self harming themselves? Um? Okay, can I can speak for myself? Um,

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Speaker 1: lots of hiding. Well, it depends though, because I know

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Speaker 1: some people. I've met people who have self harmed everywhere,

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Speaker 1: like rarely visible, like their inner thigh or their belly. Um.

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Speaker 1: I self termed my forearm, so I was constantly hiding

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Speaker 1: my wrists. Do you think anybody noticed like something was

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Speaker 1: going on with you at that time? I think so. Um.

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Speaker 1: I had one classmate who was, um being flirty in

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Speaker 1: tenth grade and he grabbed my forearm and his hands

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Speaker 1: kind of slipped under my long sleeve and so I

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Speaker 1: was scarring at the time, like I was starting to scab,

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Speaker 1: and so he was like, whoa, what is that? And

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Speaker 1: he like pulled my sleeve down and like looked at

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Speaker 1: my wrists, and I was mortified, and he was like,

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Speaker 1: how did that happen? And I like lied, I was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: my brother did that. He scratched me. We got into

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Speaker 1: a fight, which is like such bullshit, Like you could

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Speaker 1: tell that that was not what that was. But he

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Speaker 1: I think was a kid himself, so he was just like, oh,

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Speaker 1: that's crazy, you know. Um. And I feel like my

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Speaker 1: mom might have asked me about it once, but she

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Speaker 1: and I didn't have a very good relationship at all,

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Speaker 1: so I kind of I was like, no, like I don't,

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Speaker 1: I don't do that leaves me alone, like the way

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Speaker 1: she asked me, like in front of people, and was

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Speaker 1: like very accusatory about it. So I was like, really embarrassed.

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Speaker 1: It's sounds like kind of like attack you in front

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Speaker 1: of people, Like why would you ask me that in

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Speaker 1: front of everybody? So I just was like, what are

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Speaker 1: you talking about? No, I'm not, of course not. And

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Speaker 1: so um, I left it alone until I was ready

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Speaker 1: to tell someone mm hmm. And what about what are

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Speaker 1: some flasks where someone that's have to have an eating disorder? Um,

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Speaker 1: you can keep an eye out for how someone behaves

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Speaker 1: around food, if just around it, um, because there's different

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Speaker 1: eating disorders. So if someone who's believing, watch what they

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Speaker 1: do after their meals, how fast they eat their meals, um,

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Speaker 1: if they're going to the bathroom within a certain time frame,

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Speaker 1: how much water they're drinking. That's a really big thing. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: what you you you pound as much water as you

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Speaker 1: eat because it helps you. I don't want to give

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Speaker 1: people in tips on happen liquid intake. UM. Another thing

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Speaker 1: is like when they if they constantly go to the

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Speaker 1: bathroom after, like you can listen for what they're doing

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Speaker 1: in there. It's kind of a hard thing to hide.

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Speaker 1: And then also how many times they flush the toilet

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Speaker 1: and what the water looks like after. And then if

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Speaker 1: you're dealing with someone who's anorexic, again, like if they're

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Speaker 1: not eating, if they're picking at their food, if they're

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Speaker 1: um cutting it into a bunch of tiny pieces, if

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Speaker 1: they're extremely picky about the food, if they if they're

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Speaker 1: never hungry, like whenever it's time to eat, there's always

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Speaker 1: an excuse. And then people with bene eating disorder typically, UM,

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Speaker 1: I have not met a bene eater who does that

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Speaker 1: in front of people. It's usually something that's done because

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Speaker 1: it's done in such massive quantities and it's done in

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Speaker 1: such a quick manner that it's it's rarely. I've never

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Speaker 1: seen someone bene e in front of anybody else, So

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Speaker 1: it's not they're like in private, right press, So the

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Speaker 1: way that some people have gotten hip to my bins

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Speaker 1: eating is the number of rappers that will be in

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Speaker 1: my trash can or you know, don I have twelve

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Speaker 1: dozen or a dozen cupcakes or twelve cupcakes and the

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Speaker 1: next day you come back and they're gone, I mean

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Speaker 1: I eat them and sitting kind of thing. So yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's just about knowing people's patterns and how they feel

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Speaker 1: around food, and then if you suspect that someone has

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Speaker 1: an eating disorder, I think the biggest thing is to

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Speaker 1: not be accusatory and then asks them questions about why

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Speaker 1: they do certain things like, oh, I noticed you're never hungry,

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Speaker 1: Like what's especially working uncomfortable? Because I'm pretty sure a

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Speaker 1: lot of things that we do that we're not proud of,

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Speaker 1: these things that we don't want to do, is the

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Speaker 1: reason why we're doing it. Yeah, I agree. Um yep.

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Speaker 1: So at a sixteen you try to convince suicide twice? Yes?

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Speaker 1: And did that lead you up to being at the

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Speaker 1: Psychotria hospital or was this something happened before? So at

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Speaker 1: age sixteen, that's when I tried to kill myself twice,

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Speaker 1: and then um, I kind of went through this phase

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Speaker 1: of throwing myself into a lot of different activities. I

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Speaker 1: tried to achieve my way out of my mental health disorders.

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Speaker 1: So I started to be really into volleyball. You were

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Speaker 1: very active. I worked very hard to have straight a's.

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Speaker 1: I was a a p classes and applying to colleges,

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Speaker 1: and just like had this desperate plea to fix myself

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Speaker 1: by just trying to be normal or even better than normal.

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Speaker 1: And so by the time it was my junior year

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Speaker 1: of college, UM I just had another depressive episode that

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Speaker 1: was rather intense. Tim I was chapter president of my

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Speaker 1: sorority and was heavy into activism and was spending time

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Speaker 1: with my lines such as all the time, and was

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Speaker 1: very social and active on campus. And then UM just

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Speaker 1: couldn't keep up the facade anymore. And so I was

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Speaker 1: years old and I remember grab gathering the items to

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Speaker 1: try for the third time. And in the book I

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Speaker 1: say that there was like a tiny voice that just

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Speaker 1: made me reach out to one of my line sisters

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Speaker 1: to call to come and take me to the hospital.

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Speaker 1: But I don't know if it was spirit, my higher

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Speaker 1: self or God, or if it was a small part

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Speaker 1: of my consciousness that was recalling all of those suicide

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Speaker 1: prevention ads of reach out and call someone when you

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Speaker 1: want to do this. I don't know what it was.

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Speaker 1: Something nudged me and it was the tiniest little nudge

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Speaker 1: and I just listened to it and I just without

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Speaker 1: in called my sister and I was like, I need

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Speaker 1: to go to a hospital. I want to die, And

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Speaker 1: so she put it, Well, you was in college, did

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Speaker 1: you feel like you didn't have anybody to speak to?

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Speaker 1: Because I know when we in college, like I was

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Speaker 1: saying that, I was very active, I was very like

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Speaker 1: trying to stay focused, gift trade and all this other stuff.

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Speaker 1: So it's like when I was going through certain things,

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Speaker 1: I guess it's kind of hard to explain to somebody

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Speaker 1: who's not going through or they just don't understand. So

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Speaker 1: did you feel like that as well when he wasn't? I? Yes,

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Speaker 1: I was living two lives and I think that might

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Speaker 1: stem back to a couple of things. It might stem

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Speaker 1: back to the fact that my first trauma I kept

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Speaker 1: a secret, and so that's my go to was to

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Speaker 1: not talk about things. But as I went to an

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Speaker 1: HBCU in the sum to one time for the h

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Speaker 1: b c U, you know they've got to keep them alive.

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Speaker 1: Man waits, it's amazing, But like most black families, who's

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Speaker 1: talking about mental health? Like who am I going to

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Speaker 1: come to and say, hey, I'm believing and I can't

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Speaker 1: stop throwing up all my food, or I cut myself

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Speaker 1: every night when I say good night to you guys,

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Speaker 1: or you know, I just I didn't come to the

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Speaker 1: party last night, or I left the party early because

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Speaker 1: I had a like attack and needed to go, you know,

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Speaker 1: cry all night, like I didn't feel safe enough. And

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Speaker 1: when my mental health stuff was starting to come out,

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Speaker 1: there were people that were close to me that we're

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Speaker 1: not understanding and we're gossiping about me and very mean

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Speaker 1: not I don't think it was intentional. I think it

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Speaker 1: just was a lack of understanding. And now that I'm

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Speaker 1: out and very open and honest about what I deal with,

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Speaker 1: I have had those same people reach out to me

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Speaker 1: and say, you know, I had no idea because it

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Speaker 1: just is a lack of education. And I also felt

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Speaker 1: like when we was in college, because I can instill

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Speaker 1: meet you around the same age, I feel like we

337
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Speaker 1: was in college, they didn't really talk about mental health,

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Speaker 1: and like I feel like when I was in college,

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Speaker 1: it was all about showing face. It was it was

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Speaker 1: all about showing face and black actually, you know, and

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Speaker 1: I think that as a black girl, I can say

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Speaker 1: that growing up, the only time I ever felt seen

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Speaker 1: a special was when I was doing something extraordinary. And

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Speaker 1: so how can I admit that not only am I

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Speaker 1: not really extraordinary, but I am so below average that

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Speaker 1: I'm barely functioning behind? You said a word right there

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Speaker 1: by myself. You know, how can I admit to that

348
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:21,280
Speaker 1: my whole identity is tied up and being the best

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Speaker 1: in being this magical thing in order to feel adequate.

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Speaker 1: There's no way I can talk to anybody about this

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Speaker 1: because I don't want to fail at being a black

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Speaker 1: hard being a black girl. Man, ain't it? Girl? Because

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Speaker 1: you have to you it's so many size of there's

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Speaker 1: so many parts of being a woman, and it's like

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Speaker 1: when you just trying to find that balanced. It is

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Speaker 1: a lot. It really can just drive somebody crazy. D

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Speaker 1: It literally did, so you said before. I think I

358
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Speaker 1: reading a book. You said, if you was in a

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Speaker 1: hospital for three days and then they transfer you to

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Speaker 1: the psychiatric facility. Yeah, so I was in the main

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Speaker 1: hospital for three days and the small town, Carolina where

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Speaker 1: I went to college, the hospital actually didn't even have

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Speaker 1: a psychic, like a psychiatrist on staff or available, so

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00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:22,640
Speaker 1: they had to skype someone in and so they did

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Speaker 1: one of those evaluations where they try to figure out

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Speaker 1: how safe I am, and then based on that guy's evaluation,

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Speaker 1: he felt like it wasn't safe for me to go

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Speaker 1: back home, and so he recommended that I'd be transferred

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Speaker 1: to a psychiatric hospital. And of course I didn't want

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Speaker 1: to go to that. Like that scared the ship out

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Speaker 1: of me. I think the adrenaline in that three days

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Speaker 1: of actually speaking out loud about wanting to die had

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Speaker 1: worn off, and I was having severe second thoughts about

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Speaker 1: being there, and I kind of just wanted to go

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Speaker 1: back to my routine and just get back to normal.

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Speaker 1: But um, yeah, they said if I don't go, then

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Speaker 1: they would and cut me and forced me to go.

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Speaker 1: So it was a whole thing, and so I ended

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Speaker 1: up just agreeing to go, and they let my line

380
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Speaker 1: sister drive me up instead of a cop taking me,

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Speaker 1: and so I went up to Virginia Beach, which is

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Speaker 1: like forty five minutes away, and went um eight days

383
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Speaker 1: and seven nights in a psychiatric hospital on a level one,

384
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Speaker 1: which is like the lowest risk quote unquote of patience.

385
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Speaker 1: I was terrified. Um. When we got there, like they

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Speaker 1: had the intake at the front office, where they just

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Speaker 1: asked me like general questions about myself, and then they

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Speaker 1: took me up to where the beds were. And when

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Speaker 1: I got there, there was they were having the last

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Speaker 1: group of the night because there's like three or four

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Speaker 1: group sessions a day, and so everyone on the floor

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Speaker 1: is in group therapy, and so when I walked in,

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Speaker 1: it was like a room full of strangers all just

394
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Speaker 1: looking at me, and they had to like take my

395
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Speaker 1: vitals like my blood pressure and my pauls and all

396
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:05,679
Speaker 1: this ship, and it was just very, very uncomfortable. So

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Speaker 1: I know, it isn't a book you talked about how

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Speaker 1: you felt like you could be yourself while you was there. Yeah,

399
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Speaker 1: So it took me probably like a day and a

400
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Speaker 1: half or so to warm up to everyone. Um. And

401
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:21,119
Speaker 1: I think that what was so powerful about that experience

402
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:24,280
Speaker 1: was it was my first time actually talking out loud

403
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Speaker 1: about all of the dark ship that existed in my head.

404
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:29,840
Speaker 1: Like that was my first time telling anyone that I

405
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Speaker 1: have cut myself, or anyone about how often I wanted

406
00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,480
Speaker 1: to die or how I was treating food and how

407
00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:39,840
Speaker 1: I would binge and throw up my food and all

408
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:44,560
Speaker 1: this stuff. And I wasn't being met with pitiful looks

409
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:50,919
Speaker 1: or um no, no judgment at all because the person

410
00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:53,679
Speaker 1: sitting across from you has either done the same or worse.

411
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:57,280
Speaker 1: And so it really was like a sense of community

412
00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:01,640
Speaker 1: ironically in that hospital. As uncomfortable as it was physically

413
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:06,000
Speaker 1: being there, it was very freeing to be able to

414
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Speaker 1: just be and to be able to just be with

415
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:12,399
Speaker 1: my emotions and not be in this productive mode or

416
00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:15,400
Speaker 1: wearing a mask mode or pretending that I'm the happiest

417
00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:20,000
Speaker 1: person on earth when I'm was the most miserable. Um.

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Speaker 1: Was you able to speak to your mom while you

419
00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:26,200
Speaker 1: was at the facility? Yeah, they have this like pay

420
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:28,399
Speaker 1: phone thing which you didn't have to pay for the calls,

421
00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:31,280
Speaker 1: but you had to like asked to use the phone.

422
00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:34,360
Speaker 1: So my mom, who was living all the way in Florida,

423
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,879
Speaker 1: I talked to her daily, and sister who actually drove

424
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:41,760
Speaker 1: me up, she came to visit me once. So yeah,

425
00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:44,520
Speaker 1: I was able to connect to my support that way. Okay, good,

426
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:48,800
Speaker 1: So you create this book. Her book is really amazing, guys. Um,

427
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:51,360
Speaker 1: if you want to watch about her book, Please email

428
00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:54,600
Speaker 1: me at hello at the Professional Homeguard dot com. UM

429
00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:56,720
Speaker 1: tell us about what made you decide to write a

430
00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:58,479
Speaker 1: book and be as open as you wear about your

431
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:04,400
Speaker 1: mental health issues? Sure? So, Um, after I left the hospital,

432
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:07,960
Speaker 1: I was like desperate to hang onto my old sense

433
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:10,920
Speaker 1: of self in my old life, and I still had

434
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:14,200
Speaker 1: this extreme desperation for things to just be quote unquote normal.

435
00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:16,679
Speaker 1: So my mom thought I should come home with her

436
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:20,560
Speaker 1: immediately and it be meant full time, and I refused,

437
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,320
Speaker 1: and so I tried to stay and finish the semester out,

438
00:24:23,359 --> 00:24:25,560
Speaker 1: which was a mistake. So I ended up dropping out

439
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:29,920
Speaker 1: and moving home to Florida and entering eating disordered treatment,

440
00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:33,000
Speaker 1: which is intensive outpatient, which basically meant I was there

441
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:35,440
Speaker 1: three to four times a week for at least four

442
00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:42,560
Speaker 1: hours a day. So Um, turning that much energy and

443
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:47,040
Speaker 1: attention into my recovery is what inspired me to start

444
00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:49,920
Speaker 1: to be more open and honest about what I've been through,

445
00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:52,480
Speaker 1: and it really helped me remove some of my own

446
00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:55,760
Speaker 1: stigma to have the courage and openness to have these

447
00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:59,480
Speaker 1: conversations and to put out these projects that share my

448
00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:04,160
Speaker 1: stories vulnerably. But the concept of The book actually came

449
00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:07,280
Speaker 1: from my mental health hospital stay because one of the

450
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:11,000
Speaker 1: therapists told me to write a letter to my past selves,

451
00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:14,479
Speaker 1: which I thought was fucking weird because I was like,

452
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,480
Speaker 1: what is that going to solve? And she was like, well,

453
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,800
Speaker 1: it gives you a chance to be the adult that

454
00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:21,520
Speaker 1: you needed at that age. And again, it wasn't clicking

455
00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:24,800
Speaker 1: with me because I'm like, I've already been through that stuff,

456
00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:27,840
Speaker 1: like I'm not gonna lie. When I was reading your book,

457
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:31,240
Speaker 1: it was very therapeutic, beautic, because, like you said, it's

458
00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:35,199
Speaker 1: like if you're in a situation before and you already

459
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,800
Speaker 1: started passed it, so as you read it it happens again.

460
00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:40,280
Speaker 1: It's like you already know what to expect because you've

461
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:45,359
Speaker 1: been there before, exactly right, and yeah, and when you

462
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,639
Speaker 1: revisit parts of your past with your new level of

463
00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:52,679
Speaker 1: understanding and your new level of compact for yourself, it

464
00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:56,040
Speaker 1: literally is healing. Because when you go through something traumatic,

465
00:25:56,640 --> 00:26:00,760
Speaker 1: whatever age you are at the event of the drama,

466
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:05,199
Speaker 1: that is typically how you subconsciously and naturally interact with

467
00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:09,800
Speaker 1: that scenario or similar scenarios from that age. So when

468
00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:13,159
Speaker 1: it comes to food, there are times when I still

469
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:16,520
Speaker 1: interact with food like I'm literally five years old when

470
00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:20,120
Speaker 1: it comes in. Before I healed that part of myself,

471
00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:23,120
Speaker 1: there were parts of me that was still that eight

472
00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:25,600
Speaker 1: year old girl whose father left her and made her

473
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:28,919
Speaker 1: feel like she wasn't worth ship. And so as an

474
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:35,040
Speaker 1: adult woman, to go inside myself by writing, meditating, or

475
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:37,400
Speaker 1: talking to the eight year old who lives in there,

476
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:40,160
Speaker 1: the five year old who lives in my consciousness, and

477
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:42,919
Speaker 1: saying all of the things that should have been said

478
00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:46,840
Speaker 1: when I was traumatized, it kind of catches that little

479
00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:49,600
Speaker 1: girl up to speed. It helps you really kind of

480
00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:51,840
Speaker 1: raise that part of yourself that should have been raised,

481
00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:59,840
Speaker 1: probably yourself physically, yep, exactly. And it was very therapeutic

482
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:03,439
Speaker 1: and it was very empowering. And I was crying a

483
00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:08,000
Speaker 1: lot because like most people, I hadn't spoken on most

484
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:10,520
Speaker 1: of the ship I've been through. It just was kind

485
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:16,679
Speaker 1: of normal. And so to have someone, especially myself, validate

486
00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:20,360
Speaker 1: the horrible things and validate the bad feelings and say

487
00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:23,960
Speaker 1: kind things that the girl at that age didn't hear,

488
00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:26,880
Speaker 1: like you're safe and this isn't your fault, and you're

489
00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:31,600
Speaker 1: wonderful and you're beautiful, and you know you're you're wanted here.

490
00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:36,280
Speaker 1: That was extremely healing. And so when it was time

491
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:39,840
Speaker 1: for me to go home, I was nervous again because

492
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:44,400
Speaker 1: I had seven support They literally checked on you every

493
00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:46,240
Speaker 1: fifteen minutes when you're sleeping to make sure that you

494
00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:51,840
Speaker 1: haven't done anything to yourself. So believe that overbearing support.

495
00:27:52,280 --> 00:27:55,919
Speaker 1: To going right back to my old routine terrified me.

496
00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:58,080
Speaker 1: And I was like, ship, what do I do if

497
00:27:58,119 --> 00:28:01,000
Speaker 1: I feel suicidal again? What if I don't have the

498
00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:03,679
Speaker 1: courage to listen to that little voice and call someone

499
00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:05,199
Speaker 1: to help me. What if I don't have what it

500
00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:07,920
Speaker 1: takes to start over from scratch at a hospital again?

501
00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:11,640
Speaker 1: And so I thought about the letters that I had

502
00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:15,080
Speaker 1: written to my past selves at every age and how

503
00:28:15,119 --> 00:28:17,120
Speaker 1: powerful that was. And I was like, if I can

504
00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:20,879
Speaker 1: receive a message from my present self to the it

505
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:23,680
Speaker 1: could work for my future too. And so I wrote

506
00:28:23,680 --> 00:28:26,480
Speaker 1: a letter to my future self. And it's actually the

507
00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:30,520
Speaker 1: first letter of the book. It's the first pepcoc called

508
00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:32,879
Speaker 1: read this if you feel like giving up on life.

509
00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:37,880
Speaker 1: And I just reminded myself of my worth and my value.

510
00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:40,440
Speaker 1: I reminded myself to see the bigger picture of life.

511
00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:43,280
Speaker 1: I reminded myself that I could hold on and that

512
00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:46,240
Speaker 1: I was strong, and that there's proof of better days

513
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:48,280
Speaker 1: because I was writing the letter and I just poured

514
00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:51,800
Speaker 1: everything I had into it and it became one of

515
00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:55,880
Speaker 1: the stars of my list of healthy coping skills and

516
00:28:56,480 --> 00:28:59,880
Speaker 1: read it so much over a five year period of

517
00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:04,360
Speaker 1: self discovery and healing and so then and I just

518
00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:07,360
Speaker 1: had this idea of, like, I should share this this

519
00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:09,760
Speaker 1: letter with people, because if it helps me so much,

520
00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:13,360
Speaker 1: maybe it'll help someone else. And like most ideas happen,

521
00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:15,880
Speaker 1: it just kind of evolved into another thing where now

522
00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:18,000
Speaker 1: I have this book of mental health PEP Talks out

523
00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:22,280
Speaker 1: and there's over forty different letters or PEP talks written

524
00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:25,400
Speaker 1: by me to the reader, addressed to the reader to

525
00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:28,840
Speaker 1: read and guide them through situations that when you have

526
00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:31,200
Speaker 1: a mental health condition or if you're really just going

527
00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:35,000
Speaker 1: through ship in life like every nation, Yeah, like you

528
00:29:35,080 --> 00:29:39,880
Speaker 1: don't have to be like a super depressed, diagnosed, mentally

529
00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:42,760
Speaker 1: ill person to benefit from this book. And that's what

530
00:29:42,840 --> 00:29:45,480
Speaker 1: I like thing, and that's what I liked them out

531
00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:48,760
Speaker 1: your book because you had a letter like Monday Blues,

532
00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:52,280
Speaker 1: you had a letter about that work, like it was

533
00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:55,480
Speaker 1: literally like every day ship that people go through on

534
00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:59,120
Speaker 1: a regular basis. Yeah, And I think at the point

535
00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:02,440
Speaker 1: is like, I think there's a stereotype about what it

536
00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:06,600
Speaker 1: means to be depressed or anxious or or have an

537
00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:10,480
Speaker 1: eating disorder. It it ebbs and flows like everything else,

538
00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:14,160
Speaker 1: and it's very cyclical, and so there's a wide spectrum

539
00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:16,960
Speaker 1: of emotions that are felt. And I think that when

540
00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:19,880
Speaker 1: you struggle emotionally or mentally, it just makes it harder

541
00:30:19,920 --> 00:30:22,680
Speaker 1: to cope with the everyday struggles that human beings experienced.

542
00:30:22,760 --> 00:30:26,240
Speaker 1: But being have living with depression isn't every single day

543
00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:28,200
Speaker 1: you can't get out of bed, you know, like living

544
00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:30,479
Speaker 1: with anxiety doesn't mean and every time you walk outside

545
00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:33,080
Speaker 1: your hyperventilating in panic. Absolutely not, because I don't have

546
00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:35,880
Speaker 1: an anxiety type almost every other day sometimes, but I

547
00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:39,160
Speaker 1: still gotta keep it moving right exactly, And so that

548
00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:42,480
Speaker 1: the premise of the book is like, wherever you are

549
00:30:42,560 --> 00:30:46,280
Speaker 1: on the emotional spectrum, there's a letter to meet you there. Um.

550
00:30:46,320 --> 00:30:48,240
Speaker 1: One of the things I've noticed about well, I guess

551
00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:51,120
Speaker 1: because we talked a lot these past couple of days,

552
00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:53,920
Speaker 1: is so when you move to Florida, you used to

553
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:57,840
Speaker 1: work at a sex shop, right, And to myself I

554
00:30:57,880 --> 00:31:00,360
Speaker 1: put the sex shop and I was like, oh, it's

555
00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:03,200
Speaker 1: interested in how at this sex shop you could possibly

556
00:31:03,240 --> 00:31:06,440
Speaker 1: feel comfortable because in a way, when you was at

557
00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:09,760
Speaker 1: the psychiatric facility, you felt comfortable because there's no judgment,

558
00:31:09,840 --> 00:31:12,280
Speaker 1: and at a sex shop you felt comfortable because there's

559
00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:15,160
Speaker 1: no judgment. So I kind of like thought that was

560
00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:18,520
Speaker 1: pretty cool. How like when you put yourself in certain environments,

561
00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:20,680
Speaker 1: you kind of do better than others because you can

562
00:31:20,760 --> 00:31:25,600
Speaker 1: really be yourself. That's a really interesting right, I was, Yeah,

563
00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:28,800
Speaker 1: I was thinking to myself, like, damn, how cool is that?

564
00:31:28,800 --> 00:31:30,840
Speaker 1: That's dopus hell? And I need to keep that in

565
00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:32,920
Speaker 1: mind as I moved through the rest of my life,

566
00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:37,000
Speaker 1: that I thrive in spaces where you can be ye, right, yeah,

567
00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:40,719
Speaker 1: that's that's facts. I think that my problem was, like

568
00:31:42,040 --> 00:31:45,040
Speaker 1: most of my life, I just was trying to fill

569
00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:48,080
Speaker 1: this role that everyone else had set up for me.

570
00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:51,840
Speaker 1: And you know, you and I had talked about this before,

571
00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:58,040
Speaker 1: like that black girl in this world, being a black

572
00:31:58,040 --> 00:31:59,880
Speaker 1: girl in this world and being a black girl in

573
00:31:59,880 --> 00:32:04,960
Speaker 1: the America, you're not validated for existing, you're hated for existing.

574
00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:08,560
Speaker 1: And the only time that I really felt seen or

575
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:13,440
Speaker 1: valued or important when I was achieving things, when I

576
00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:16,760
Speaker 1: was getting perfect grades, when I was excelling at sports,

577
00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:19,720
Speaker 1: when I was volunteering, when it was like my mom

578
00:32:19,880 --> 00:32:21,920
Speaker 1: or any other adult that was proud of me could

579
00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:25,160
Speaker 1: list my resume and doing great, she's president of this,

580
00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:28,000
Speaker 1: and she's captain of that, and she's got a g

581
00:32:28,160 --> 00:32:30,800
Speaker 1: P at this, and it just was like that was

582
00:32:30,840 --> 00:32:32,680
Speaker 1: the only time I felt seen, and that was the

583
00:32:32,720 --> 00:32:34,800
Speaker 1: only time I felt good about myself, and so I

584
00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:39,760
Speaker 1: really had like my accomplishments were one thousand percent tied

585
00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:43,320
Speaker 1: up with my identity. Like when I played my Lione

586
00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:46,560
Speaker 1: name was literally productive, like that was my whole thing,

587
00:32:47,160 --> 00:32:49,920
Speaker 1: and none of that was me. I'm hard working, of

588
00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:54,120
Speaker 1: I'm very hard working and I love what I do.

589
00:32:54,760 --> 00:32:58,880
Speaker 1: But it's different now because I just keep who I

590
00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:02,200
Speaker 1: am separate from at work and I just don't base

591
00:33:02,280 --> 00:33:04,360
Speaker 1: my self esteem on what I can get done. What

592
00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:09,000
Speaker 1: you do, but it's not who you are exactly. That

593
00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:12,560
Speaker 1: is the describe it. And so yeah, you're right. When

594
00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:17,720
Speaker 1: I was at the sex shop making eight, I was happy, happy,

595
00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:22,080
Speaker 1: happy as hell, which in hindsight, like you know, by

596
00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:23,800
Speaker 1: the way I was raised, I should have felt ashamed

597
00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:27,000
Speaker 1: of myself being in college dropout, like selling dildos all day,

598
00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:31,040
Speaker 1: but like that was probably among the most happy I

599
00:33:31,040 --> 00:33:34,280
Speaker 1: had ever been because I was able to just be

600
00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:37,920
Speaker 1: and to focus on myself and who I was as

601
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:41,040
Speaker 1: a soul as opposed to what I could contribute to people.

602
00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:46,560
Speaker 1: Why so let's talk about present day you. So, how

603
00:33:46,600 --> 00:33:51,080
Speaker 1: are you doing at this moment. I'm doing pretty pretty deep.

604
00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:56,040
Speaker 1: I'm still in active recovery for my eating disorder, and

605
00:33:56,200 --> 00:33:58,440
Speaker 1: I keep saying it's my last leg of the marathon

606
00:33:58,600 --> 00:34:05,760
Speaker 1: because I overcame self harming and overcame suicidal ideation, and

607
00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:11,760
Speaker 1: I've overcome the constant panic attacks. But the eating disorder

608
00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:14,960
Speaker 1: is the first thing I developed, and it's gonna probably

609
00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:16,319
Speaker 1: going to be the last thing I get rid of

610
00:34:16,440 --> 00:34:21,120
Speaker 1: because it's so ingrained in my personality and is a hard,

611
00:34:21,160 --> 00:34:24,920
Speaker 1: hard one because we interact with it multiple times a day.

612
00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:27,719
Speaker 1: If I was an alcoholic, I would just not go

613
00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:29,480
Speaker 1: to bars. I would stay away from liquor, and that

614
00:34:29,480 --> 00:34:32,760
Speaker 1: would be obviously very difficult. Like all addiction is valid,

615
00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:35,040
Speaker 1: but I think that it's just a little bit unique

616
00:34:35,440 --> 00:34:39,640
Speaker 1: when your addiction and your toxic relationship is with something

617
00:34:39,680 --> 00:34:43,239
Speaker 1: that also keeps you alive. So I'm in therapy once

618
00:34:43,239 --> 00:34:47,520
Speaker 1: a week and I just joined in All Women's Gym

619
00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:50,759
Speaker 1: has been a fitness and so I've been going to

620
00:34:50,840 --> 00:34:53,919
Speaker 1: that a few times a week because it helps keep

621
00:34:53,960 --> 00:34:56,359
Speaker 1: to keep me out of my own head and I'm

622
00:34:56,440 --> 00:34:59,960
Speaker 1: learning to be present in my own body without destroying

623
00:35:00,040 --> 00:35:04,080
Speaker 1: it for the first time in my life. And so, um,

624
00:35:04,120 --> 00:35:06,920
Speaker 1: I'm counting the number of days that I haven't relapsed

625
00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:10,480
Speaker 1: on my bulimia and I'm saying nice things to myself.

626
00:35:10,560 --> 00:35:13,640
Speaker 1: It is a very active recovery process. I journal every day,

627
00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:18,279
Speaker 1: I plan my meals, it's a whole thing. Um. So

628
00:35:18,400 --> 00:35:21,279
Speaker 1: for the most part, I'm doing pretty pretty decent. I've

629
00:35:21,280 --> 00:35:24,319
Speaker 1: turned my recovery into a lifestyle. I'm creating positivity where

630
00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:27,239
Speaker 1: I can. I'm promoting this book and like slowly, you know,

631
00:35:27,320 --> 00:35:29,200
Speaker 1: building my brand as I go. All are some things

632
00:35:29,200 --> 00:35:31,719
Speaker 1: that you would recommend to the listeners if they ever

633
00:35:31,800 --> 00:35:33,960
Speaker 1: felt an urge, Like when you feel an urge or

634
00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:36,640
Speaker 1: if you when you felt the urge, what are some

635
00:35:36,719 --> 00:35:41,279
Speaker 1: ways did you try to fight that? So, um, I'm

636
00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:43,440
Speaker 1: so glad you asked that, because this is really important.

637
00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:47,640
Speaker 1: You should always be ready for your urges, whatever your

638
00:35:47,760 --> 00:35:50,080
Speaker 1: vice is. And as we talk about this. I know

639
00:35:50,160 --> 00:35:52,040
Speaker 1: you're thinking of the thing that you do that is

640
00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:55,160
Speaker 1: bad for you. You should prepare for it. I think

641
00:35:55,200 --> 00:35:57,720
Speaker 1: that we all get into a habit of only wanting

642
00:35:57,719 --> 00:36:00,319
Speaker 1: to solve things when they kind of come up, and

643
00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:04,000
Speaker 1: it's way harder to plan to figure out what you're

644
00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:06,319
Speaker 1: gonna do when you're in the middle of an earth. So,

645
00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:10,560
Speaker 1: if you're having a decent day, um even like right now,

646
00:36:10,600 --> 00:36:12,719
Speaker 1: as soon as you're done listening to this podcast, I

647
00:36:12,719 --> 00:36:15,680
Speaker 1: would write down at least ten things you can do

648
00:36:15,880 --> 00:36:18,920
Speaker 1: instead of the urge. So it's your it'll be your

649
00:36:18,920 --> 00:36:23,160
Speaker 1: coping skills list, or you're healthy coping like toolbox and

650
00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:26,000
Speaker 1: so I literally have a list written down that I

651
00:36:26,080 --> 00:36:28,279
Speaker 1: keep pinned to my fridge for if I feel like

652
00:36:28,800 --> 00:36:33,160
Speaker 1: participating in Belienia and that stuff like call a friend,

653
00:36:33,880 --> 00:36:36,919
Speaker 1: write a letter to yourself or to someone you love,

654
00:36:37,520 --> 00:36:40,680
Speaker 1: paint and go for a walk, listen to your favorite song.

655
00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:43,080
Speaker 1: I have a happy playlist that I'll play to get

656
00:36:43,080 --> 00:36:48,200
Speaker 1: my vibes back up. Meditate. So whatever makes you feel grounded,

657
00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:50,600
Speaker 1: whatever brings you out of your own head, whatever makes

658
00:36:50,600 --> 00:36:54,160
Speaker 1: you feel okay, write it down and when you get

659
00:36:54,200 --> 00:36:58,640
Speaker 1: an urge, move through the list, force yourself to just

660
00:36:58,760 --> 00:37:00,440
Speaker 1: do one thing at a time, and you get to

661
00:37:00,440 --> 00:37:02,279
Speaker 1: the end of one thing, if the urge is still there,

662
00:37:02,600 --> 00:37:05,520
Speaker 1: tell yourself just one more thing, and then tell yourself

663
00:37:05,560 --> 00:37:09,400
Speaker 1: just one more thing, and if else fails, go to sleep,

664
00:37:11,960 --> 00:37:14,480
Speaker 1: like sleep through it. Try again tomorrow, like it's okay,

665
00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:16,080
Speaker 1: I don't care if it's two o'clock in the afternoon,

666
00:37:16,080 --> 00:37:19,680
Speaker 1: and take a nap, you know. And another thing is

667
00:37:19,719 --> 00:37:22,960
Speaker 1: like right down wherever you live, like whatever country you

668
00:37:23,000 --> 00:37:26,560
Speaker 1: live in, right down your country's crisis set up. So

669
00:37:26,600 --> 00:37:29,880
Speaker 1: like in America, we have the number and then we

670
00:37:29,920 --> 00:37:31,759
Speaker 1: have like this, I think it's seven four one, seven

671
00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:34,359
Speaker 1: four one. You can text to I have the top

672
00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:37,239
Speaker 1: of my list too, just in case, um it's too

673
00:37:37,239 --> 00:37:39,680
Speaker 1: bad and I need to like stay really safe. Those

674
00:37:39,719 --> 00:37:43,160
Speaker 1: hotlines are actually really fucking helpful. The people are trained

675
00:37:43,280 --> 00:37:45,080
Speaker 1: very well, and it just feels like you're talking to

676
00:37:45,120 --> 00:37:47,399
Speaker 1: a distant friend, like it just it helps to just

677
00:37:47,520 --> 00:37:50,600
Speaker 1: get all of the urges out to just taste, like

678
00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:52,640
Speaker 1: you say, like if it's right there on your friger

679
00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:54,880
Speaker 1: or it's like right your face. So I think they

680
00:37:54,920 --> 00:37:56,719
Speaker 1: have on the list. So if you are having the

681
00:37:56,880 --> 00:38:00,040
Speaker 1: urge and whatever, you're because we all find demon and

682
00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:02,239
Speaker 1: so whatever your situation, maybe if it's right there in

683
00:38:02,239 --> 00:38:12,280
Speaker 1: your face, that's like an indicator, like no, like stop right, yeah,

684
00:38:12,560 --> 00:38:15,480
Speaker 1: and and put it wherever you do the thing like

685
00:38:15,640 --> 00:38:19,120
Speaker 1: my issues with food, Like the first step to bulimia

686
00:38:19,239 --> 00:38:20,960
Speaker 1: is eating, so I put it on the fridge so

687
00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:23,720
Speaker 1: that I cannot get I want to get you without

688
00:38:23,719 --> 00:38:25,920
Speaker 1: even being faced with my other options. One of the

689
00:38:25,960 --> 00:38:28,360
Speaker 1: things that you mentioned in your book is how social

690
00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:32,560
Speaker 1: playing to your own mental health. So me and my

691
00:38:32,600 --> 00:38:34,440
Speaker 1: guests and I are we had this conversation, like we've

692
00:38:34,440 --> 00:38:37,480
Speaker 1: been in communication this whole week, more than a week,

693
00:38:37,560 --> 00:38:40,080
Speaker 1: and by the time you hear this episode, um, the

694
00:38:40,239 --> 00:38:42,760
Speaker 1: late Great Nipsey Hustle is going to be laid to rest.

695
00:38:43,160 --> 00:38:45,600
Speaker 1: So when I found out, I was at work Sunday,

696
00:38:46,000 --> 00:38:49,680
Speaker 1: Um we were doing inventory, and literally it just really

697
00:38:49,760 --> 00:38:53,480
Speaker 1: offset my whole move. Like I was an emotional wreck.

698
00:38:53,560 --> 00:38:56,680
Speaker 1: And I spoke to my guests before then the day afterwards,

699
00:38:56,760 --> 00:38:59,040
Speaker 1: and I was just like I was so happy that

700
00:38:59,080 --> 00:39:01,759
Speaker 1: we spoke because I felt much lighter. But like till

701
00:39:01,800 --> 00:39:03,839
Speaker 1: this day, like I feel a little bit better, but

702
00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:06,960
Speaker 1: like it's like if that's a bit one of us

703
00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:09,960
Speaker 1: was to pass away. You know your family and friends

704
00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:11,719
Speaker 1: gonna post you. You will get a couple of hair

705
00:39:11,719 --> 00:39:14,920
Speaker 1: in there. But like when I saw his death, everybody

706
00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:17,640
Speaker 1: was reposing it and it really like it's like it

707
00:39:17,719 --> 00:39:20,600
Speaker 1: kind of like triggers something to me. Yeah, I rest

708
00:39:20,640 --> 00:39:25,359
Speaker 1: in peace to Nipsy he was. There are people who

709
00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:27,920
Speaker 1: didn't even know who he was, but when they found

710
00:39:27,920 --> 00:39:30,600
Speaker 1: out about his death. I read a comment on YouTube

711
00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:34,359
Speaker 1: yesterday where someone said I didn't even know who he was,

712
00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:36,680
Speaker 1: but when I saw his face, when they were posting

713
00:39:36,680 --> 00:39:39,480
Speaker 1: his face everywhere, I felt something deep in my spirit.

714
00:39:39,560 --> 00:39:42,120
Speaker 1: And so I researched him and it made me cry

715
00:39:42,160 --> 00:39:45,240
Speaker 1: even more. And I think that he was a gift

716
00:39:45,719 --> 00:39:49,040
Speaker 1: to this world, and his life and his legacy has

717
00:39:49,120 --> 00:39:52,879
Speaker 1: created such a profound ripple effect in all of our consciousness,

718
00:39:53,840 --> 00:39:58,680
Speaker 1: and it's a very sensitive and painful thing, especially if

719
00:39:58,719 --> 00:40:02,560
Speaker 1: you look like him, because history has shown us over

720
00:40:02,680 --> 00:40:05,240
Speaker 1: and over and over again that when you work really

721
00:40:05,280 --> 00:40:09,160
Speaker 1: hard to better the black community, something happens to you.

722
00:40:09,280 --> 00:40:13,719
Speaker 1: And it's exhausting to see someone be so good and

723
00:40:14,000 --> 00:40:19,360
Speaker 1: so grounded and just so radiant with positive have something

724
00:40:19,480 --> 00:40:22,000
Speaker 1: this ugly happened to him, and to be taken from

725
00:40:22,120 --> 00:40:25,560
Speaker 1: his family and his children and his his lady, his partner,

726
00:40:25,680 --> 00:40:28,839
Speaker 1: Lauren London. I mean, it's just I think it hits

727
00:40:28,920 --> 00:40:32,399
Speaker 1: us all. And so it's a great time to bring

728
00:40:32,520 --> 00:40:35,479
Speaker 1: up the pep talk when you're overwhelmed by the state

729
00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:39,279
Speaker 1: of the world, because everything seems really grim right now,

730
00:40:40,080 --> 00:40:43,600
Speaker 1: and it feels and if you can think about every

731
00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:46,880
Speaker 1: aspect of the human experience and you can pinpoint to

732
00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:50,359
Speaker 1: something horrible happening in the world right now, whether it's

733
00:40:50,640 --> 00:40:54,760
Speaker 1: hunger and food, or climate change and science, or the environment,

734
00:40:55,040 --> 00:40:58,160
Speaker 1: or police brutality, Like there's so many issues. And so

735
00:40:58,200 --> 00:41:00,640
Speaker 1: what's beautiful about social media is it does keep us

736
00:41:00,640 --> 00:41:06,160
Speaker 1: all connected and it has created profound social justice movements

737
00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:10,120
Speaker 1: hitting people legislatively, I mean across the board. It's been amazing.

738
00:41:10,920 --> 00:41:13,239
Speaker 1: But we wouldn't even know about all of nipsies work

739
00:41:13,239 --> 00:41:14,959
Speaker 1: if it wasn't for social media, Like if you didn't

740
00:41:15,000 --> 00:41:16,719
Speaker 1: live in South central l A. You wouldn't have even

741
00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:19,080
Speaker 1: known about his work were not for video cameras and

742
00:41:19,120 --> 00:41:23,719
Speaker 1: interviews and people tweeting about him. So wonderful, but everything

743
00:41:24,320 --> 00:41:29,000
Speaker 1: needs a balance, and so when you find yourself being

744
00:41:29,040 --> 00:41:32,719
Speaker 1: immersed in this kind of content that is sad. The

745
00:41:32,760 --> 00:41:36,040
Speaker 1: minute is no longer awakening you, and the minute it

746
00:41:36,080 --> 00:41:39,840
Speaker 1: goes beyond a normal human empathetic reaction and it starts

747
00:41:39,840 --> 00:41:42,920
Speaker 1: to actually harm you and trigger you and pull you

748
00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:45,880
Speaker 1: into your own darkness, that is when you need to

749
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:48,880
Speaker 1: step away. And I think that a lot of people

750
00:41:48,920 --> 00:41:51,480
Speaker 1: feel guilty for retreating, like we feel like, oh well,

751
00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:53,360
Speaker 1: we need to stay like we can't retreat, like we

752
00:41:53,400 --> 00:41:54,759
Speaker 1: need to stay in it, we need to find it,

753
00:41:54,800 --> 00:41:56,799
Speaker 1: like we need to make the world better. Like I

754
00:41:56,880 --> 00:42:00,239
Speaker 1: can't be too privileged and just turn my phone away

755
00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:04,239
Speaker 1: and not worry about this stuff. But you can, and

756
00:42:04,320 --> 00:42:08,799
Speaker 1: you must because you are no good to anyone if

757
00:42:08,800 --> 00:42:12,319
Speaker 1: you don't have your ship together, like there's can do

758
00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:16,200
Speaker 1: for anyone, if you are hurting and you are not

759
00:42:16,320 --> 00:42:18,680
Speaker 1: functioning well, and you are not taking care of yourself

760
00:42:18,719 --> 00:42:21,799
Speaker 1: like the old saying, you cannot pour water from an

761
00:42:21,840 --> 00:42:28,240
Speaker 1: empty cup. And so yes, look at stuff, be engaged,

762
00:42:28,280 --> 00:42:30,200
Speaker 1: to be aware, know what's going on in the world

763
00:42:30,200 --> 00:42:33,080
Speaker 1: around you, of course, but take care of yourself at

764
00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:36,080
Speaker 1: the same time, and know your limit. You can delete

765
00:42:36,120 --> 00:42:38,080
Speaker 1: the app if you need to for a couple of days.

766
00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:41,360
Speaker 1: You can mute certain words. You can unfollow certain pages,

767
00:42:41,400 --> 00:42:45,200
Speaker 1: certain news pages, and know that when you take care

768
00:42:45,239 --> 00:42:48,440
Speaker 1: of yourself, ultimately you are taking care of the world.

769
00:42:49,560 --> 00:42:53,040
Speaker 1: And you have a role, a very specific role to

770
00:42:53,120 --> 00:42:56,080
Speaker 1: play in this giant puzzle that we're all a part

771
00:42:56,120 --> 00:43:01,400
Speaker 1: of a level of nipsey where you are literally creating

772
00:43:01,400 --> 00:43:04,839
Speaker 1: a ripple effect across the earth, or person who just

773
00:43:04,880 --> 00:43:07,879
Speaker 1: smiles at everyone who you walk by. That is all

774
00:43:08,000 --> 00:43:11,680
Speaker 1: valid and it's all needed. And so take care of yourself,

775
00:43:12,320 --> 00:43:14,719
Speaker 1: figure out what role you play, where you fit into

776
00:43:14,800 --> 00:43:17,560
Speaker 1: this big thing, and just know that that is enough.

777
00:43:19,120 --> 00:43:25,600
Speaker 1: I mean networking, meeting people, growing my business, just trying

778
00:43:25,640 --> 00:43:28,560
Speaker 1: to bring more awareness to my brand. But I literally

779
00:43:28,560 --> 00:43:31,120
Speaker 1: had to log the funk off because it was becoming

780
00:43:31,160 --> 00:43:33,800
Speaker 1: too much. You would have thought I was Lauren London,

781
00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:39,279
Speaker 1: like I was going crazy. It was, and I think

782
00:43:39,320 --> 00:43:41,160
Speaker 1: for me, it was one of those things that like,

783
00:43:41,840 --> 00:43:43,239
Speaker 1: I mean, I feel like, like you said, you have

784
00:43:43,320 --> 00:43:45,759
Speaker 1: to have a healthy balance of it. But I feel

785
00:43:45,800 --> 00:43:47,879
Speaker 1: like I've seen more people down on social media than

786
00:43:47,920 --> 00:43:50,600
Speaker 1: I have realized. Like I only know one person that

787
00:43:50,719 --> 00:43:53,440
Speaker 1: I had a relationship passed away, so that sees this

788
00:43:53,520 --> 00:43:56,200
Speaker 1: black man passed away and it was shown on social

789
00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:58,840
Speaker 1: media and being killed like, I'm like, no, this is

790
00:43:58,880 --> 00:44:02,840
Speaker 1: too much for me. That was disgusting and I honestly

791
00:44:02,960 --> 00:44:07,560
Speaker 1: hate posted that, and I also hate whoever posted Lauren London.

792
00:44:10,160 --> 00:44:12,440
Speaker 1: It's just like it's a complete lack of privacy and

793
00:44:12,480 --> 00:44:18,120
Speaker 1: I think lack of compassion. It's disgusting and I yeah,

794
00:44:18,239 --> 00:44:21,840
Speaker 1: I think it's like a what's about social that social

795
00:44:21,840 --> 00:44:24,560
Speaker 1: media is a big fucking oxymoron And this just came

796
00:44:24,560 --> 00:44:28,120
Speaker 1: to me on we see people that we know, we

797
00:44:28,280 --> 00:44:31,880
Speaker 1: see their lives, we see the best of their personal lives.

798
00:44:32,480 --> 00:44:35,960
Speaker 1: We see the like people manufacturer filters, they post their

799
00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:39,400
Speaker 1: poses like everything is just so all of us do it.

800
00:44:39,480 --> 00:44:41,920
Speaker 1: Everything is so set up. I probably take like twelve

801
00:44:42,000 --> 00:44:44,120
Speaker 1: self mues before I picked one to edit and post,

802
00:44:44,200 --> 00:44:47,840
Speaker 1: like none of this authentic. And then at the same

803
00:44:47,880 --> 00:44:51,960
Speaker 1: time we also see the absolute worst of humanity and

804
00:44:52,000 --> 00:44:57,440
Speaker 1: the absolutely some sides of humanity. You know, growing up, baby,

805
00:44:57,520 --> 00:45:02,400
Speaker 1: I I didn't see people getting dabbed or war torn cities,

806
00:45:02,880 --> 00:45:05,719
Speaker 1: children bloodied up, or dead bodies in the street. But

807
00:45:05,760 --> 00:45:08,040
Speaker 1: you know the kids that are growing up now that

808
00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:10,120
Speaker 1: are twelve and thirteen and have their cell phones, they're

809
00:45:10,120 --> 00:45:12,760
Speaker 1: seeing all of this. It's like a rabbit hole because

810
00:45:12,760 --> 00:45:20,840
Speaker 1: you get suck into it's like TV. Oh yeah, and

811
00:45:20,880 --> 00:45:25,239
Speaker 1: it's all they know. So it's it's about being responsible,

812
00:45:25,400 --> 00:45:28,600
Speaker 1: and I mean, like everything in life I'm learning, it's

813
00:45:28,640 --> 00:45:31,440
Speaker 1: just about finding your balance. I don't think there's a

814
00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:34,840
Speaker 1: sigle thing you could really point to that doesn't require

815
00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:38,400
Speaker 1: some level of balance. And so I think again, like

816
00:45:38,719 --> 00:45:41,680
Speaker 1: being responsible with the kind of content you're exposing your

817
00:45:41,719 --> 00:45:46,000
Speaker 1: spirit and your brain too, and knowing yourself, knowing your

818
00:45:46,040 --> 00:45:49,560
Speaker 1: own triggers, knowing what huts you off and why and

819
00:45:49,640 --> 00:45:53,600
Speaker 1: just step away. That's not your role if it. Things

820
00:45:53,640 --> 00:45:55,480
Speaker 1: that I'm an advocate for in the podcast is therapy,

821
00:45:55,560 --> 00:45:57,160
Speaker 1: Like right now, I'm looking for a therapist, but it's

822
00:45:57,239 --> 00:45:59,479
Speaker 1: so hard to find a good therapist, especially a woman

823
00:45:59,480 --> 00:46:04,120
Speaker 1: of color. Yeah, Um, how has therapy helped you so far?

824
00:46:05,840 --> 00:46:12,200
Speaker 1: It is? It is. Yeah, therapy has been huge in

825
00:46:12,560 --> 00:46:17,680
Speaker 1: helping me understand the way my traumas and my overall

826
00:46:17,719 --> 00:46:21,440
Speaker 1: life experience as shaped who I am. Growing up in

827
00:46:21,480 --> 00:46:26,440
Speaker 1: this capitalist as society, were raised to be not thinkers,

828
00:46:26,880 --> 00:46:29,400
Speaker 1: and so I wasn't taught to sit and reflect on

829
00:46:29,440 --> 00:46:31,600
Speaker 1: how I feel, and to sit and reflect on all

830
00:46:31,640 --> 00:46:36,200
Speaker 1: of my interpersonal relationships and my own behavior patterns and

831
00:46:36,320 --> 00:46:40,960
Speaker 1: my own relationship patterns, and my relationship with food and everything.

832
00:46:41,000 --> 00:46:44,720
Speaker 1: I wasn't taught to sit and understand myself as a working,

833
00:46:44,800 --> 00:46:48,080
Speaker 1: thinking human, and so therapy did that for me. Therapy

834
00:46:48,160 --> 00:46:51,440
Speaker 1: can so many dots. Therapy lit up so many lightbulbs

835
00:46:51,520 --> 00:46:54,600
Speaker 1: and helped me to heal so many aspects of myself.

836
00:46:55,280 --> 00:46:59,000
Speaker 1: Race is not race should be uh indicated when you're

837
00:46:59,040 --> 00:47:02,600
Speaker 1: looking for um a therapist, but I feel like sometimes

838
00:47:02,680 --> 00:47:05,560
Speaker 1: you have to see yourself in the person across from you.

839
00:47:07,800 --> 00:47:10,000
Speaker 1: I mean it really should though. I mean again, like

840
00:47:10,800 --> 00:47:14,239
Speaker 1: my current therapist as a white woman, and I think

841
00:47:14,320 --> 00:47:19,719
Speaker 1: because the biggest part of my recovery right now is

842
00:47:19,760 --> 00:47:24,200
Speaker 1: the eating disorder. But I think that as a black person,

843
00:47:24,320 --> 00:47:27,319
Speaker 1: we have trauma all of us. Not a single one

844
00:47:27,320 --> 00:47:31,359
Speaker 1: of us is not traumatized living in America. And so

845
00:47:31,480 --> 00:47:35,120
Speaker 1: there are aspects of myself that don't bring up in therapy.

846
00:47:35,160 --> 00:47:38,400
Speaker 1: And then I don't talk about won't get it, you

847
00:47:38,440 --> 00:47:40,800
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, Like, there's things that our community

848
00:47:40,840 --> 00:47:44,000
Speaker 1: goes through the experience that I would probably have to

849
00:47:44,080 --> 00:47:48,000
Speaker 1: explain in order for her to understand why it's trauma. Yeah,

850
00:47:48,200 --> 00:47:51,319
Speaker 1: So I get that for it I personally could not

851
00:47:51,480 --> 00:47:55,439
Speaker 1: find one that specialized in beliema that was black, which

852
00:47:55,440 --> 00:47:58,480
Speaker 1: is another issue. I can completely understand how important it

853
00:47:58,560 --> 00:48:01,840
Speaker 1: is to have someone of color because there are specific

854
00:48:01,840 --> 00:48:05,719
Speaker 1: things that we experience that shouldn't have to be explained

855
00:48:05,719 --> 00:48:07,560
Speaker 1: to your therapist, but would have to if they're not

856
00:48:07,640 --> 00:48:12,680
Speaker 1: experiencing it or woke themselves. I think that there's levels

857
00:48:12,719 --> 00:48:15,120
Speaker 1: to this traumatic ship as far as being black in

858
00:48:15,160 --> 00:48:19,520
Speaker 1: America goes. And so if I could find a black

859
00:48:20,200 --> 00:48:25,040
Speaker 1: probably woman to be my favorite that there, I could

860
00:48:25,040 --> 00:48:30,759
Speaker 1: not find one in my area that also specialized in bulimia, So,

861
00:48:31,400 --> 00:48:34,719
Speaker 1: you know, which is another issue because the stereotype is,

862
00:48:34,760 --> 00:48:41,280
Speaker 1: you know, only white girls still with that, you know, So, um,

863
00:48:41,440 --> 00:48:44,120
Speaker 1: I I understand it is difficult to find a therapist,

864
00:48:44,160 --> 00:48:46,759
Speaker 1: and I think that it's a little nerve racking. There's

865
00:48:46,800 --> 00:48:49,160
Speaker 1: a letter in my book called if you'd like some

866
00:48:49,239 --> 00:48:53,160
Speaker 1: therapy Tips and if cosidering Therapy, and I talked about

867
00:48:53,280 --> 00:48:55,160
Speaker 1: that in there, you know, I I talked about how

868
00:48:55,560 --> 00:48:57,680
Speaker 1: sometimes the therapist is not going to be a fit

869
00:48:57,840 --> 00:49:02,440
Speaker 1: because world views and skill level and just practice type

870
00:49:02,800 --> 00:49:05,239
Speaker 1: plays a role in how you guys interact and what

871
00:49:05,360 --> 00:49:08,480
Speaker 1: your specific needs are. I went to a therapist back

872
00:49:08,480 --> 00:49:11,759
Speaker 1: in I was talking my head off to her and

873
00:49:11,800 --> 00:49:15,320
Speaker 1: she got so overwhelmed with all my that she literally

874
00:49:15,320 --> 00:49:17,600
Speaker 1: took a textbook out in the middle of me talking

875
00:49:17,640 --> 00:49:21,120
Speaker 1: to figure out what to say. No, oh, well she can't.

876
00:49:21,239 --> 00:49:25,960
Speaker 1: She just can't handle me. So bad about that because

877
00:49:26,120 --> 00:49:29,280
Speaker 1: I don't pay you to meet you at your comfort

878
00:49:29,280 --> 00:49:32,160
Speaker 1: and professional level. I pay you to help me meet

879
00:49:32,160 --> 00:49:36,760
Speaker 1: me at mine. So no hard feelings to anyone involved.

880
00:49:36,760 --> 00:49:38,920
Speaker 1: And it doesn't mean that I'm too funked up or

881
00:49:38,960 --> 00:49:40,799
Speaker 1: I'm an issue. It just means that she and I

882
00:49:40,840 --> 00:49:42,800
Speaker 1: weren't a match. And so that was my last session

883
00:49:42,840 --> 00:49:46,680
Speaker 1: with her, you know. Um, So definitely, if you're considering therapy,

884
00:49:47,120 --> 00:49:49,839
Speaker 1: there's a lot of aspects to look at as far

885
00:49:49,880 --> 00:49:54,000
Speaker 1: as cost goes and just how you feel interacting with

886
00:49:54,040 --> 00:49:57,120
Speaker 1: them and if they're helpful, because there's some Yankee therapists

887
00:49:57,160 --> 00:49:59,680
Speaker 1: out here, like they're just you know, like every profession

888
00:49:59,719 --> 00:50:03,800
Speaker 1: that people aren't perfect, so every therapist won't be either. Yeah, Listen,

889
00:50:03,880 --> 00:50:08,319
Speaker 1: shopping around, don't settle like yeah, and it's okay to

890
00:50:08,360 --> 00:50:12,479
Speaker 1: always walk away. I've been looking for it there since

891
00:50:12,600 --> 00:50:16,680
Speaker 1: less what last fall, found nobody yet and I'm I'm

892
00:50:16,719 --> 00:50:19,839
Speaker 1: not rushing it because I don't feel like crying every

893
00:50:19,840 --> 00:50:21,480
Speaker 1: time I meet somebody. If I'm gonna cry, need to

894
00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:24,719
Speaker 1: be a good cry with the right person. I know.

895
00:50:24,840 --> 00:50:29,480
Speaker 1: I agree. It's it's a it's an investment, it's a relationship,

896
00:50:29,640 --> 00:50:34,160
Speaker 1: and it's a whole process. So let's, but not least,

897
00:50:34,239 --> 00:50:37,640
Speaker 1: let's talk about the future. Um, what is the advice

898
00:50:37,680 --> 00:50:42,000
Speaker 1: you would give to you a younger self? My younger self.

899
00:50:43,080 --> 00:50:45,239
Speaker 1: I think the most important thing that I've learned in

900
00:50:45,280 --> 00:50:49,440
Speaker 1: my entire fucking life is that nothing that anyone has

901
00:50:49,600 --> 00:50:52,800
Speaker 1: ever done to you or will do to you as personal.

902
00:50:54,000 --> 00:50:57,200
Speaker 1: It feels personal because a lot of the time it's

903
00:50:57,239 --> 00:51:00,880
Speaker 1: being done to you, but the real ending behind it

904
00:51:00,960 --> 00:51:03,919
Speaker 1: actually has nothing to do with you. Everyone is out

905
00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:06,759
Speaker 1: here doing their absolute best with what they got and

906
00:51:06,800 --> 00:51:09,799
Speaker 1: what they know, and most of us are carrying a

907
00:51:09,880 --> 00:51:14,360
Speaker 1: lot of unresolved pain, and that spills out onto other people.

908
00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:19,560
Speaker 1: And so it's just so damaging to not understand that.

909
00:51:19,960 --> 00:51:22,680
Speaker 1: Because you move through life letting people get to you

910
00:51:23,320 --> 00:51:25,879
Speaker 1: and letting people define who you are, and letting your

911
00:51:25,920 --> 00:51:29,600
Speaker 1: interactions get tied up in yourself worth as a person

912
00:51:29,680 --> 00:51:31,839
Speaker 1: and your identity as a person, and it's just not

913
00:51:31,960 --> 00:51:35,640
Speaker 1: the case, Like, it's not that personal. It's not your ship.

914
00:51:35,800 --> 00:51:39,200
Speaker 1: It's not for you to carry on for years and years.

915
00:51:39,320 --> 00:51:42,560
Speaker 1: It's not worth your time or energy. Wish people will

916
00:51:42,840 --> 00:51:46,960
Speaker 1: set your boundaries and just move the funk on with ship.

917
00:51:47,040 --> 00:51:48,600
Speaker 1: I was gonna actually with some advice to go to

918
00:51:48,640 --> 00:51:53,600
Speaker 1: somebody else, but I think that was it there. Well,

919
00:51:53,640 --> 00:51:56,160
Speaker 1: listen before we leave. I normally don't do this, but

920
00:51:56,400 --> 00:51:59,360
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna keep it real. Um, this is like

921
00:51:59,440 --> 00:52:04,120
Speaker 1: a second time recording. Listen. There will always be distractions

922
00:52:04,120 --> 00:52:07,040
Speaker 1: in life, but you cannot fold. You gotta keep going, y'all.

923
00:52:07,520 --> 00:52:10,560
Speaker 1: I'm so thankful that my guest today took the time

924
00:52:10,600 --> 00:52:13,280
Speaker 1: out for us to um to record again. We recorded

925
00:52:13,280 --> 00:52:15,920
Speaker 1: the day after we found out that Nipsey passed away,

926
00:52:15,960 --> 00:52:19,160
Speaker 1: and I know my energy was just completely off, and

927
00:52:19,320 --> 00:52:21,880
Speaker 1: I think we're what's your energy off a little bit

928
00:52:23,320 --> 00:52:27,799
Speaker 1: totally and I oh my god, And I was so

929
00:52:27,880 --> 00:52:31,000
Speaker 1: afraid to let her know that the damn recording didn't

930
00:52:31,040 --> 00:52:35,280
Speaker 1: take and she was just so nice, she was so positive. UM.

931
00:52:35,320 --> 00:52:37,200
Speaker 1: And I think that same day I wasted coffee all

932
00:52:37,200 --> 00:52:40,520
Speaker 1: over my computer, like I was just off. So I

933
00:52:40,600 --> 00:52:42,920
Speaker 1: hope that this encourage you all to just keep going.

934
00:52:43,000 --> 00:52:45,799
Speaker 1: I hope her story encourage you all keep going. I mean,

935
00:52:46,440 --> 00:52:48,960
Speaker 1: life is a bit, but you guys just knocked that

936
00:52:49,000 --> 00:52:53,720
Speaker 1: bitch out when you him in. You know. Yeah, everything

937
00:52:53,760 --> 00:52:56,319
Speaker 1: happened exactly as it should when it should. It's all good.

938
00:52:56,400 --> 00:52:59,320
Speaker 1: And we haven't learned anything from the great Nipsey Hustle.

939
00:52:59,640 --> 00:53:03,560
Speaker 1: Just be great, man and just keep don't be an influencer,

940
00:53:03,680 --> 00:53:09,760
Speaker 1: being a pactor. Oh that right, and packed people, because

941
00:53:09,800 --> 00:53:11,920
Speaker 1: you never know. You may not be here tomorrow, but

942
00:53:11,960 --> 00:53:16,440
Speaker 1: your legacy will live forever. So until next time, guys.

943
00:53:16,600 --> 00:53:18,760
Speaker 1: They prayed up, God blessed and later