Speaker 1: So I'm happy to say that, after celebrating ten years
Speaker 1: married and approaching we're starting another ten years, I'm feeling
Speaker 1: way more optimistic than I did going into marriage in general.
Speaker 1: Dead as. Yeah, well, I'm proud of of us for
Speaker 1: the first ten years, and I'm not only optimistic, but
Speaker 1: I'm excited about the next time. Oh this was really
Speaker 1: a yes. I like that. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're
Speaker 1: the Ellises. You may know us from posting funny videos
Speaker 1: without boys and reading each other publicly as a form
Speaker 1: of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therby most days. Wow.
Speaker 1: And one more important thing to mention, we're married. We are.
Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Speaker 1: life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to
Speaker 1: talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple.
Speaker 1: Dead as is the term that we say every day.
Speaker 1: So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts,
Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 1: We're about to take pillows off to a whole new level.
Speaker 1: Dead ass starts right now. All right, story time typically
Speaker 1: story time A typically y'all know, I do story time
Speaker 1: because I like to tell stories. But today I'm going
Speaker 1: to be a gentleman and let my wife take over
Speaker 1: story time. I appreciate that so much, So take us back, baby. Okay. So,
Speaker 1: as many of you know, we in prior seasons talked
Speaker 1: about approaching ten years planning a huge well not even
Speaker 1: huge and intimate, but very grand, intimately huge, intimately huge
Speaker 1: and grand um v renewal and for me and for
Speaker 1: you and for us and our family, that was going
Speaker 1: to be a time for us to really celebrate how
Speaker 1: far we've come for the past ten years, really have
Speaker 1: the people there who matter the most to us, focusing
Speaker 1: on just really celebrating the past ten years and then
Speaker 1: having a way to kind of launch us into the
Speaker 1: next ten years, kind of feeling refreshed and renewed and recommitted.
Speaker 1: And none of that happened. Thanks to the coronavirus the pandemic.
Speaker 1: Of course, everything was shut down. Traveling was shut down
Speaker 1: UM Jamaica hopefully nowhere, but UM Jamaica was shut down.
Speaker 1: So it was funny because we're approaching our tenure anniversary
Speaker 1: and now it's like, all right, well, what do we
Speaker 1: do to celebrate? We can't really do anything. My mom
Speaker 1: was with the boys in New York at the time,
Speaker 1: lockdown there, and my sister's birthday was coming up, and
Speaker 1: we were also celebrating her graduating from nursing school. So
Speaker 1: it was a two and one celebration that was happening
Speaker 1: in New York. Now, things we're kind of touching go
Speaker 1: still with the coronavirus, still kind of being up and
Speaker 1: down New York being one of the epicenters. And I
Speaker 1: had told my sister pretty much at the end of June,
Speaker 1: you know, girl, I'll love you, but I can't even
Speaker 1: make it for your birthday or your graduation party, um,
Speaker 1: which they were having in a small gathering um, you know,
Speaker 1: at the house because I was getting ready to film
Speaker 1: and if I was getting ready to films to a sister,
Speaker 1: so I said, just to make sure you were safe.
Speaker 1: We were literally treating about like a newborn baby. Did
Speaker 1: not want anybody to be around him or run the
Speaker 1: risk of him UM testing positives exactly. So I said, girl,
Speaker 1: we're not gonna be able to I'm not gonna be
Speaker 1: able to make it. So incomes a vow two days
Speaker 1: before my sister's birthday and he's just like, oh, you're
Speaker 1: not going to New York for cucaris, you know, wet'll
Speaker 1: get together. And I was like, no, I can't go.
Speaker 1: Why would I go. I don't want to risk you
Speaker 1: getting sick. And he was like, I think you'd be
Speaker 1: all right if you wear your mask and stuff when
Speaker 1: you follow the protocol that they put in place. And
Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, exactly, you know, very like, you know, okay,
Speaker 1: I think you'd be good. So said, you know, you
Speaker 1: think you think I'll be good to val He's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: go have a good time. I said, all all those
Speaker 1: things right, So I go to New York because I'm like,
Speaker 1: all right, if the Valve feels comfortable and I'll go,
Speaker 1: wear my mask and all that good stuff will be
Speaker 1: good to go. So I go to New York. Literally
Speaker 1: just take maybe a pair of underwear and an outfit
Speaker 1: and act very light. When I got to New York,
Speaker 1: I called up my girl Tianna, because you know, when
Speaker 1: I'm in New York, I'm gonna get all the things done,
Speaker 1: you know. So I hit my girl Tianna up for nails.
Speaker 1: I'm like, have you been around people? Have you been
Speaker 1: taking clients? She said no, I haven't been. I said, well,
Speaker 1: if I wear a double mask and you wear a mask,
Speaker 1: will you comfortable doing my nails? And she's just like,
Speaker 1: I'm comfortable if you're comfortable. I said, okay, we should
Speaker 1: be good. So I got my nails done, the same
Speaker 1: thing for my hair, go to my sister's event, have
Speaker 1: my mask on the entire time, just to show my support.
Speaker 1: She was so so surprised. It was an amazing time.
Speaker 1: I had a great little get together there. Um, and
Speaker 1: then I come I'm on my way back or I'm
Speaker 1: preparing to come back to California, and devote hits me
Speaker 1: with the you know the baby. I was thinking you
Speaker 1: should just stay in New York. I don't think you
Speaker 1: should come back before I leave to film. You see
Speaker 1: my face. Now, I'm gonna let you finish tell me
Speaker 1: your story because it's story time, but you're leaving out
Speaker 1: some very permanent information. So a finished story, story time.
Speaker 1: So don't interfere in my story time. Okay, don't don't interfere.
Speaker 1: So um. I moved in New York as carefully as possible,
Speaker 1: because I said I did not want to be around people.
Speaker 1: I didn't even stay at my parents house because there's
Speaker 1: so many people there that I stayed at our manager's
Speaker 1: empty apartment so I could be by myself. Right, So, hold,
Speaker 1: who picked me up from the airport? I don't remember
Speaker 1: pick me from the airport. No, she didn't pick me.
Speaker 1: Doesn't drive. Let me tell my story. The door doesn't drive. Um.
Speaker 1: So Debout hits me with I don't think you should
Speaker 1: come back to California. I think you should just stay
Speaker 1: in New York and I want to go film and
Speaker 1: I is like, there's no way we can do that
Speaker 1: because our anniversaries on Saturday. So it was a huge eruption,
Speaker 1: a big argument because my ass was going to stay
Speaker 1: in California with Devil. I wasn't even want to go
Speaker 1: to New York to begin with, and the Devil was
Speaker 1: just like, no, I think you should go. You'll be
Speaker 1: fine if you wear your masks, if you wear your mask.
Speaker 1: If you wear your mask, my mass literally never left
Speaker 1: my face. Okay, So we agreed that I come back
Speaker 1: to California, but we'll quarantine in the house together meeting.
Speaker 1: I'll stay on one end of the house. He stays
Speaker 1: on the other end of the house until I test
Speaker 1: and get a negative result. The negative result would have
Speaker 1: put me on our anniversary day July four, So literally
Speaker 1: we spent that entire week. I want to say it
Speaker 1: was a week at that point in separate ends of
Speaker 1: the house, pissed at each other because we couldn't be
Speaker 1: around each other. And I finally got the test result back.
Speaker 1: I want to say it was like three pm. I
Speaker 1: was stalking them hoping to get the test result back,
Speaker 1: and finally it was like three pm on the day
Speaker 1: of our anniversary, I got the negative result. We hugged,
Speaker 1: we kissed. I cried because the valve got one of
Speaker 1: my favorites, probably my favorite R and B singer Jamie
Speaker 1: Fox two. What I didn't know was that the plan
Speaker 1: was for him to try to get to Jamaica for
Speaker 1: the valunal, that I was making arrangements for that, but
Speaker 1: because that couldn't happen, Jamie sang for me in a
Speaker 1: video that I'm sure many people have seen on on
Speaker 1: social media. And I just want to say that this
Speaker 1: story long is help and you always make fun of
Speaker 1: my stories. This story, the story hold on triple am
Speaker 1: I interjected in this story or is this story long?
Speaker 1: Is keep interjecting, but there's context of the story. I
Speaker 1: had to tell it, tell them why we had such
Speaker 1: a bumpy road getting to ten years. Wow, okay, go ahead,
Speaker 1: finished finishes this story about in the last story I
Speaker 1: tell the last story I tell um, And it ended
Speaker 1: up being a wonderful night once we were able to
Speaker 1: actually hug and kis and be around each other again.
Speaker 1: And um, yeah, so Devout really pulled out all the
Speaker 1: stops to make it special. And then I, in turn,
Speaker 1: um put a really nice dinner together in our backyard
Speaker 1: and it was the two of us. Um Devot got
Speaker 1: tons of roses yellow and red for friendship and love.
Speaker 1: Just really well thought out, simple things that I think
Speaker 1: definitely took the place of what was going to be
Speaker 1: our Jamaica turn, of our renewal, but it was just
Speaker 1: as special. Well it's funny because I was looking up
Speaker 1: love songs for karaoke and what came up as a
Speaker 1: love song was up from Cardi b Right, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: how is this a love song? But then I was
Speaker 1: thinking about the words, and it's like, when it's up,
Speaker 1: then it's up, then it's up, then it's stuck. And
Speaker 1: that's what happens when you get married. You get stuck.
Speaker 1: Damn we up and then we stuck. So I just
Speaker 1: think it's funny to mention that uh Up by Cardi
Speaker 1: is considered part of that's the only part of the
Speaker 1: song I know so good, so neither one of us
Speaker 1: have to sing it. But that was gonna be my
Speaker 1: selection karaoke, because there's a whole dance going on now too,
Speaker 1: there is. It's a whole dance battle with like Ups
Speaker 1: and Amazon and the world delivery workers. Yeah, well you
Speaker 1: know all them because they come here get up with
Speaker 1: the time. That's a fact. You told a very beautiful
Speaker 1: long story all right now is at the time devot
Speaker 1: just to put it out there for you to now
Speaker 1: refute my story. I'm not refuting it. But you said
Speaker 1: you gave context, right, but you left out a huge
Speaker 1: part of the context. So what's the one thing that
Speaker 1: you had an issue with? Go ahead, right, because I
Speaker 1: know people are gonna ask why would de Voo say
Speaker 1: go to New York and then when you say you
Speaker 1: should be fine, say you should just stay in New York.
Speaker 1: The reason why I said you should go to New
Speaker 1: York is because I literally thought you were gonna go
Speaker 1: to New York, go to the party, and come home.
Speaker 1: At no point when you told me you were going
Speaker 1: to New York. Were you going to go meet with
Speaker 1: t Anna, which is a different space, then go to Janelle's,
Speaker 1: which is a different space, then go to the party.
Speaker 1: That's two different contact tracing points. At this time, this
Speaker 1: is still July. We didn't know how this this virus
Speaker 1: was spread, and I could not test positive because if
Speaker 1: I test positive, then I wouldn't be able to film,
Speaker 1: and as one of the main characters in the show,
Speaker 1: the show wouldn't have been able to go on if
Speaker 1: I couldn't film. So so so all I'm saying is
Speaker 1: I didn't just tell you to go and then you
Speaker 1: get there and then change my mind and say don't
Speaker 1: come back. You never communicated to me that you were
Speaker 1: going to go meet with your glam team to go
Speaker 1: to the party. And that's a key point of context
Speaker 1: that you left out for the people who are listening
Speaker 1: to Tiana, and I asked her if she's been around anybody.
Speaker 1: I'm saying the context double mask, I double mask, and
Speaker 1: I got my nails done. Yeah, But when you told
Speaker 1: the story, you have put my voice on and said
Speaker 1: you should go where your mask you should go? I said,
Speaker 1: because I thought you was going to get off the
Speaker 1: plane go to the party, go home, and come back.
Speaker 1: But in my from my perspective, I felt like, if
Speaker 1: I'm on a plane with a ton of people, I
Speaker 1: don't know both ways, I'm in uh get together that
Speaker 1: has more in one person in that space. I didn't
Speaker 1: think that me being careful with two people who have
Speaker 1: been home and not around people double mass both times
Speaker 1: would have been that much more of a contact point.
Speaker 1: So this is my thing. Why I add more contact points?
Speaker 1: If you already said you got on the plane, which
Speaker 1: is already a risk. You go into the party, that's
Speaker 1: already a risk. Why I add two other risks when
Speaker 1: you don't know if that's gonna be a risk. Any
Speaker 1: of the risks that I put myself in could have
Speaker 1: been avoided if I just stayed mass in California. Like
Speaker 1: that's very very true. But you know also what my
Speaker 1: wife would have did. She'd have been in California pounding
Speaker 1: the whole time. That's not even I even ult myself
Speaker 1: to say that I wasn't going to go and I
Speaker 1: didn't mind, to be honest, if but anyway, if you
Speaker 1: say so, story guys, that's how we spent our ten
Speaker 1: year anniversary. I think it was it was amazing. It
Speaker 1: was great time together. I think what it all boiled
Speaker 1: down to is that we just had time together. And
Speaker 1: it is different because we had the pandemic that had
Speaker 1: hit in March, and then we were home lockdown with
Speaker 1: my mom and dad and the boys for at that
Speaker 1: point April made June July almost four months, so it
Speaker 1: was nice to kind of finally have just time together. Well,
Speaker 1: what I think is is best about the story you
Speaker 1: told is that that story, which took about a week,
Speaker 1: it was like the microcosm of what I think marriage
Speaker 1: is now. Right, Um, you and I had completely different ideas.
Speaker 1: You and I were both trying to do something for
Speaker 1: the better the betterment of the other person. Right. I
Speaker 1: wanted you to go enjoy your sister's party because I
Speaker 1: wanted you to to be able to enjoy that aspect
Speaker 1: of your life. Your family is important to you outside
Speaker 1: of our nuclear family. So I was like, you know what,
Speaker 1: let her take the risk boom. You were willing to
Speaker 1: stay because you were willing to miss that to take
Speaker 1: the risk because I had to work. So here we
Speaker 1: are both trying to do what's best for the other person.
Speaker 1: Then we end up debating and arguing you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, but then he had to communicate it through
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So I think that, you know, ultimately,
Speaker 1: that's the microcosm of what marriage is because we ended
Speaker 1: up finding a way to make it work out. We
Speaker 1: couldn't do our big viralnyl and ended up being just
Speaker 1: you and I in the home making a dinner. Um,
Speaker 1: you know we I grew some lobster, you made some steaks,
Speaker 1: you made the sides. I got Jamie Fox to saying
Speaker 1: we had it in our backyard and it was special
Speaker 1: and it was dope. So I think that that ultimately
Speaker 1: is the microcosm of what marriage has been for us
Speaker 1: for the past ten years. It's been some ups and downs.
Speaker 1: Life has thrown some curveballs. Um, We've argued, we've debate,
Speaker 1: but we figured it out right. And I think that
Speaker 1: I appreciate the most about this is that we both
Speaker 1: were trying to consider the other person in everything, which
Speaker 1: is something that I think both of us have grown
Speaker 1: to do over the past ten years. Absolutely, in the
Speaker 1: very beginning of it, or the very beginning of our marriage,
Speaker 1: there was a lot of you saying, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm hoping to be a great husband. So I'm gonna
Speaker 1: go out and I'm gonna work, and I'm gonna do
Speaker 1: this and I'm gonna provide because that's what husbands do.
Speaker 1: And I'm just like, all right, I'm going to be
Speaker 1: a great wife because I should just be at home
Speaker 1: and I should take care of the house and I
Speaker 1: should just you know, do the things that I've seen
Speaker 1: my mom and my grandmother do and like great help
Speaker 1: with the bills, YadA YadA, And those were just surface
Speaker 1: level things. Was us thinking about ourselves and how we
Speaker 1: could be great, but also at the same time not
Speaker 1: necessarily considering the other. So um so, yeah, shout out
Speaker 1: to us for ten years. And let me tell you, baby,
Speaker 1: boys and girls, what's not awash is the vurnal because
Speaker 1: we don't have to be ten years. It should be well,
Speaker 1: it could be thirteen. It could just be a whole
Speaker 1: lass vacation. Who has a thirty year varnul? Like, who
Speaker 1: does that? Do we ever do anything conventionally? But now
Speaker 1: so there we are. Anyway, According to according to tradition,
Speaker 1: UM ten year anniversaries of marriage represent or is represented
Speaker 1: by tin or aluminum. UM. So, I don't know if
Speaker 1: people know about. Traditionally, each year means something, or if
Speaker 1: you're going to give somebody something for their different year anniversaries,
Speaker 1: there's normally a corresponding thing that goes with it, So
Speaker 1: tending aluminum. Those elements represent durability impliability to symbolize that
Speaker 1: the relationship can be bent but not broken unless you're
Speaker 1: cheap as foil paper, which we know nobody likes. Cheaper
Speaker 1: as foil paper, foil papers everything in the black community.
Speaker 1: You know, you can cover anything with foil paper. You
Speaker 1: can get your TV to work, you can pack plates,
Speaker 1: foil illuminate, very durable. Okay. Within your marriage, by this
Speaker 1: stage you will have experienced the need to compromise on
Speaker 1: some things. That's but your marriage is still going to
Speaker 1: be strong, right And with that material it represents the
Speaker 1: twenty years with that material um twenty years is China?
Speaker 1: Why could be China? Why it can't be Africa? You're
Speaker 1: not serious? Are you? Like the plates porcelain like that
Speaker 1: kind of I don't care. Why why it is called China.
Speaker 1: I want to call mine Africa, all right, twenty years
Speaker 1: it's gonna be Africa. About Africa that we can we
Speaker 1: can talk about diamonds. See what I'm saying. Let's see
Speaker 1: saying show on audio and video the Devasid diamonds in
Speaker 1: twenty years. Oh gosh, that's what you got out of
Speaker 1: baby boy. Africa's the motherland. Okay, that is true. The
Speaker 1: greatest people on Earth come out of Africa. We're African Americans.
Speaker 1: So in twenty I'm focusing on everything, all things great,
Speaker 1: all things African, and with pressure, diamonds are formed. I
Speaker 1: love that. Um. It brings the meeting, delicate, beautiful and
Speaker 1: elegant relationship that you've built over twenty years together. So
Speaker 1: what will it take to go from hard work to
Speaker 1: smooth sailing in the next ten years of marriage? That's
Speaker 1: what we're talking about today. Now that the first ten
Speaker 1: years have been under our belt, where do we see
Speaker 1: ourselves in the next ten years? How are we going
Speaker 1: to get there? Um, we're almost one year into that
Speaker 1: next ten year point. What differences have you noticed between
Speaker 1: your one and your eleven? Well, I mean, if you've
Speaker 1: been with us through this ride for four seasons now,
Speaker 1: we've perved a lot about our relationship from being together eighteen,
Speaker 1: getting married at and now at thirty seven and thirty
Speaker 1: six respectively thinking about what's next for us. We pursed out,
Speaker 1: We've talked about the ups and the downs, with a
Speaker 1: lot of the downs and the misconceptions we had about marriage,
Speaker 1: and I feel like, UM, in doing that, we've been
Speaker 1: able to grow collectively and grow individually. So I want
Speaker 1: to like just talk about what is our plan with
Speaker 1: all of his knowledge we have through marriage, to like
Speaker 1: be better for the next ten years. Yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: I have to say that for the past well for
Speaker 1: now five seasons of the podcast. We're joke in our
Speaker 1: opening that we read each other publicly as a kind
Speaker 1: of therapy, UM, but it literally I feel like has
Speaker 1: been like that for us because I've been able to
Speaker 1: really dissect a lot of things publicly through the form
Speaker 1: of the podcast, and it's also privately UM. And we
Speaker 1: see the value in reflecting UM on different moments. We
Speaker 1: reflect I feel like on a daily, weekly basis at
Speaker 1: least with each other, and we have those conversations that
Speaker 1: need to be had, UM. But I feel like there
Speaker 1: was also a lot of individual growth that happened very
Speaker 1: that was also very stressful at times because some processes
Speaker 1: that we both had to go through as individuals. The
Speaker 1: other didn't understand, but I think in turn it for
Speaker 1: the collective greater good of the marriage and of our family.
Speaker 1: It definitely worked in our favor, absolutely, because I think
Speaker 1: that we both had to like unlearn some of the
Speaker 1: things that we were conditioned to believe to be truths
Speaker 1: and then relearn ourselves and each other. And also knowing
Speaker 1: that those those quote unquote truths or those traditions, they're malleable,
Speaker 1: like they're not something that's just going to be cookie
Speaker 1: cutter to every relationship. That's what we had to learn.
Speaker 1: We had to learn that we tried to just tell
Speaker 1: and make our relationship to what we thought the ideal
Speaker 1: relationship was. That's when we were we ran into like roadblocks.
Speaker 1: So if if one thing I've seen, think the major difference.
Speaker 1: I'm not going into this next ten years with expectations
Speaker 1: of what I expect you to be or who I
Speaker 1: expect you to be and who I expect myself to be.
Speaker 1: I plan to be more like like water, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, flat, crash and flow and kind of see,
Speaker 1: you know, wake up every day and see where the
Speaker 1: day is going and kind of figure out, you know,
Speaker 1: what what's going to be my method to get through
Speaker 1: this next peak or valley wherever we are. And I
Speaker 1: think that's going to be the big difference because when
Speaker 1: you when you have expectations, that only leads to disappointments.
Speaker 1: So when you when you walk in saying you know,
Speaker 1: I don't know what to expect, I'm just going to
Speaker 1: be excited about whatever comes, you can move forward with
Speaker 1: a more positive attitude. Yeah, for sure. And I think
Speaker 1: we both kind of know each other to an extent
Speaker 1: where like I know the things that make you take
Speaker 1: and all the things that may take you off, you know,
Speaker 1: So trying to avoid those at all calls definitely something
Speaker 1: that will aim to do. Um. But for me, I
Speaker 1: think the biggest difference between year one and year eleven
Speaker 1: is me going into it thinking like, oh, I'm just
Speaker 1: a wife now, you know. But also too, I've said
Speaker 1: I didn't really know what came with being a wife
Speaker 1: year one. Um, it was really just a matter of
Speaker 1: taking a look at maybe the females around me, the
Speaker 1: women around me, wives around me. Um, do you see
Speaker 1: things in movies and on television, And for a seven
Speaker 1: year old who's kind of just green to that, that's
Speaker 1: kind of my approach and I'm just kind of like,
Speaker 1: all right, I guess I'll learn as I go. Um,
Speaker 1: Whereas going into year eleven, I feel like, Okay, I
Speaker 1: have a really good grasp of who I am now.
Speaker 1: I think that's the biggest difference. I think it's just
Speaker 1: that you know who you are now. Yeah, yeah, I think,
Speaker 1: And I know I'm coming I'm continuing in this relationship
Speaker 1: as I continue to grow and coming in as a
Speaker 1: more complete version of myself than I did at seven seven,
Speaker 1: I was still trying to figure out a lot. And
Speaker 1: I think our biggest issue, too, was that we met
Speaker 1: at eighteen, so we had pretty much nine years of
Speaker 1: our life before marriage that we were still trying to
Speaker 1: figure trying to grow as individuals and grow together simultaneously,
Speaker 1: And that was I think that mental to us in
Speaker 1: the very beginning. So so let me ask a question,
Speaker 1: where do you see yourself in the next ten years
Speaker 1: and how how will I help you get there? You
Speaker 1: know what I spoke about this, I think in a
Speaker 1: prior season about me not being sure what my purpose
Speaker 1: is or you know, why I'm actually here? What am
Speaker 1: I supposed to be doing? What am I supposed to
Speaker 1: be getting out of life? And I think one thing
Speaker 1: that I've learned over the past maybe like a year
Speaker 1: or two, I know that one of the biggest reasons
Speaker 1: why I am here is to be able to nurture, um,
Speaker 1: you and our children and and be that pillar for
Speaker 1: you guys, particularly when I think about even just when
Speaker 1: the pandemic first hit and all of the racial injustices
Speaker 1: that were on the forefront, you know, back in last
Speaker 1: April and May, and I saw how broken you were
Speaker 1: from that just being a black man living in America,
Speaker 1: I really honed in on me being that pillar of
Speaker 1: strength and comfort for you guys within this household. So
Speaker 1: that's something that I know I'm definitely here for or
Speaker 1: and wanting to do in the next ten years, is
Speaker 1: to really be that for you as we raise these
Speaker 1: three boys who will be black men one day, UM,
Speaker 1: making sure that I am providing a safe haven and
Speaker 1: a space for them to grow into who they are
Speaker 1: supposed to become. UM. So that's one thing that I
Speaker 1: definitely want to do in the next ten years. UM.
Speaker 1: For myself too, I have my individual goals as well,
Speaker 1: UM with that being at the forefront, also just working
Speaker 1: on myself career wise, UM, continuing to host, continuing to act,
Speaker 1: continuing to be of service to others. Um. I feel
Speaker 1: like we've been blessed abundantly in those spaces and the
Speaker 1: more that I can continue to help to pour into others. Um,
Speaker 1: How but how will you? How can I help you
Speaker 1: get there? Oh? Well, yeah, well that was the second
Speaker 1: part of the question into UM. But you can help
Speaker 1: me in doing that by I think continuing to be
Speaker 1: who you've been in my life, and you've been a
Speaker 1: sounding board, You've been, UM, a motivation factor for me,
Speaker 1: you know, looking at you and your work ethic and
Speaker 1: the way you do things, I admire it and I
Speaker 1: still sometimes sit back and watch you and awe of
Speaker 1: like the things you're able to accomplish and do you
Speaker 1: just in a twenty four hour time period, because you're
Speaker 1: just driven in that unyielding with everything you do. So
Speaker 1: I think you've always offered that for me. But I
Speaker 1: also appreciate the fact that you've stepped back a bit
Speaker 1: and you've also given me a chance to kind of
Speaker 1: make my mistakes as well, and you've given me a
Speaker 1: chance to change my mind and then support me through
Speaker 1: changing my mind, which I tend to do a lot.
Speaker 1: UM And even in my indecisions. Um, is that a
Speaker 1: weird in decisions or in being indecisive? Um, You've definitely
Speaker 1: had your moments where even through your own frustration because
Speaker 1: you've just been wanting to help me get to where
Speaker 1: I got to get to, you've also allowed me to
Speaker 1: go through my own processes. And I feel like you've
Speaker 1: respected the fact that we don't do things the same way.
Speaker 1: And I appreciate that because for a long time, I
Speaker 1: feel like there was like a judgment that came with that,
Speaker 1: like you don't do things the same way I do it,
Speaker 1: or I would have done this differently, so therefore it's
Speaker 1: not the right way. Where I feel like you've been
Speaker 1: able to kind of step back a bit now and say,
Speaker 1: all right, well, I'm going to focus on myself now too,
Speaker 1: which I think you deserve to do because you've spent
Speaker 1: so many years focusing on me and focusing on the
Speaker 1: family that I want to be of support to you
Speaker 1: now so that you can do the things that you
Speaker 1: want to do wholeheartedly. I mean, that's that's a good
Speaker 1: segue into what I want to do, because that's that's
Speaker 1: where my focus is. Like I feel like I've spent
Speaker 1: the first ten years of our marriage really focused on
Speaker 1: trying to be the best husband I could be and
Speaker 1: focusing on trying to be the best father I can be,
Speaker 1: And in many aspects, I've put the things that I
Speaker 1: wanted to do, like on the back burner, because I
Speaker 1: wanted to set up a foundation where my family was together,
Speaker 1: which was a choice I made, and I'm happy that
Speaker 1: I did it that way because I honestly feel like, um,
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm kind of in my prime of
Speaker 1: my life. Like being an athlete, first, you feel like
Speaker 1: your prime is when you're in your twenties, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, But then as you go through life,
Speaker 1: you start to realize that your twenties is not really
Speaker 1: your prime because you don't even have the mental fortitude
Speaker 1: to understand what you're But now that I'm in my
Speaker 1: mid thirties, I feel like, Okay, not only do I
Speaker 1: have the physical prowress, but mentally I'm in a better
Speaker 1: place financially because I did set the foundation for us.
Speaker 1: I'm in a better place to where I can step
Speaker 1: away from being the husband father for the times that
Speaker 1: I have to focus on my career and not worried
Speaker 1: that it's going to be to a detriment to my family.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. Um, well, I thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. You look a little you look
Speaker 1: at to the you know what I'm saying. I will
Speaker 1: say this though you you look better now at thirty
Speaker 1: seven and you did an eighteen like you've gained a
Speaker 1: legitimate thirty five pounds. Yeah, you've gained the legitimate pounds
Speaker 1: in all the right places. If you become more talented
Speaker 1: in other areas based on practice. But I will say this,
Speaker 1: at this tenure point, our sex life, and I know
Speaker 1: we're gonna do a whole podcast about this about sex
Speaker 1: life is at a completely different level now, and I
Speaker 1: think it's all based on knowledge and learning. Said, we
Speaker 1: figured some stuff out and we plan to talk about
Speaker 1: that on a completely different podcast. But now I feel
Speaker 1: like these next ten years, I want to focus on
Speaker 1: my career because I have the foundation for my family
Speaker 1: set up, and you can help me do that by
Speaker 1: continuing in the same form that you have been for
Speaker 1: the first ten You know, you've always been a big
Speaker 1: support system. Um, we have reached the point where we
Speaker 1: realize that our processes are different. So rather than saying
Speaker 1: I feel like my wife is an anchor because she
Speaker 1: doesn't work the same way I work. I've learned how
Speaker 1: to work with you in different processes, you know I'm saying.
Speaker 1: So we pretty much just set goals. I set in mind,
Speaker 1: you set yours, and as long as it gets to goal,
Speaker 1: no matter how it gets done, it is done. I
Speaker 1: feel like our our heart was in the right place
Speaker 1: in the very beginning of marriage, because though I said,
Speaker 1: in the beginning, there was a lot of like kind
Speaker 1: of selfishness happening where you were kind of like in
Speaker 1: your own mind like this is what I have to do,
Speaker 1: and this is how I have to provide, and this
Speaker 1: is going to make me a great husband. And I
Speaker 1: was like, well, this is what I have to do.
Speaker 1: In that selfishness, there was also a bit of selflessness
Speaker 1: because we were then building for our family and our
Speaker 1: future family. So at the time we got married, honeymoon,
Speaker 1: baby Jackson was here, So I think our heart was
Speaker 1: in the right place. Though at the time we might
Speaker 1: have seen the other as being selfish, there really wasn't
Speaker 1: any selfish moments that we had because we were ultimately
Speaker 1: thinking about the bigger picture. We just didn't know how
Speaker 1: to be of service to each other. I would agree.
Speaker 1: I don't feel like either one of us walked in
Speaker 1: being selfish. We didn't have the tools to be good spouses.
Speaker 1: That's really really what it was like. I came into
Speaker 1: marriage wanting to be selfless, but not realizing how selfish
Speaker 1: I was being, if that makes sense, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. And I feel like you kind of came
Speaker 1: in the same way, you know what I'm saying. But
Speaker 1: it's all about the tools, and I think that's why
Speaker 1: we wanted to have this conversation moving forward. And it's
Speaker 1: funny because UM our producer UM brought this to us. Right.
Speaker 1: It's My Husband's twenty Lessons from twenty years of Marriage,
Speaker 1: a purpose driven marriage blog by Dwayne Steward and his
Speaker 1: wife Nadine Stewart. And they've made it to twenty years
Speaker 1: of marriage, so they gave like the twenty things lessons, right,
Speaker 1: So I'm like, we're only halfway there. So I was
Speaker 1: looking at these and I was saying, some of these
Speaker 1: definitely like resonate with me. And at this tendier point,
Speaker 1: I want to point out the ones that resonate with
Speaker 1: me right as a husband. Right. Three just looking at
Speaker 1: it already. Okay, so I'm gonna leave my the number one,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go from backwards to because I'm gonna go
Speaker 1: from the one that's the least, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Number ten for me was it's okay to have disagreements.
Speaker 1: When I first got married, right, I felt like a
Speaker 1: disagreement meant that there's a break or a fracture in
Speaker 1: our train of thought and I have to make sure
Speaker 1: that my wife agrees with me. It's learning that it's
Speaker 1: okay to have disagreements made me realize, like, oh, it's
Speaker 1: okay that we have different processes in life. It's okay
Speaker 1: that we don't, you know, agree on every little thing.
Speaker 1: That doesn't mean that I'm marriage is gonna work. It
Speaker 1: just means that we think differently, and that doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that it's going to lead to us being a fracture,
Speaker 1: being a split, you know what I'm saying. So understanding
Speaker 1: that it's okay to have disagreements was like that was
Speaker 1: like important to me, but it kind of made me
Speaker 1: feeliz like, Okay, let's be settled. She thinks like this,
Speaker 1: I think like this, and it's okay to say we
Speaker 1: can agree to disagree on this one, because you're here
Speaker 1: to agree to desgree sometimes. But she'd really just like this,
Speaker 1: this motherfucking here, I don't even know what he's talking about,
Speaker 1: but whatever, I'm gonna say it just to end the argument.
Speaker 1: But really, there's the point that you come to where
Speaker 1: you're just like, Okay, you are entitled to feel that way.
Speaker 1: I don't agree with it, but we can actually move on.
Speaker 1: And that that led me to the next one, which
Speaker 1: is you don't have to win every argument, because arguments
Speaker 1: are not always about winning. Arguments sometimes are about understanding,
Speaker 1: which let me to the next one was take time
Speaker 1: to listen. You know, I think that as a husband,
Speaker 1: and I'm just going through my ones first and let
Speaker 1: you go through yours. But these things realistically helped me
Speaker 1: communicate and learn how to get your perspective. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, because I wanted to understand where you
Speaker 1: were coming from and the way I used to ask questions.
Speaker 1: You used to be like, well, you're drilling me, You're
Speaker 1: drilling me a why like you? And I was just
Speaker 1: like them, I'm trying to understand you. But I didn't
Speaker 1: realize that every time you would try to explain it
Speaker 1: to me. If it wasn't explained in a way that
Speaker 1: I wanted it explained, I just discredited it, right. And
Speaker 1: that makes me think of our discussion that we had
Speaker 1: um right after the New Year in New York, you know, UM,
Speaker 1: we had a discussion about, you know, kind of asking
Speaker 1: each other this. This is kind of how this podcast
Speaker 1: episode came to fruition. Was us having that conversation talking
Speaker 1: about like, what are we going to do for the
Speaker 1: next ten years, um? Or where do we even see
Speaker 1: ourselves at this point in our marriage and then trying
Speaker 1: to kind of plan for that, and you were asking
Speaker 1: very specific questions and I kind of got frustrated through
Speaker 1: the conversation because I was like, I don't know what
Speaker 1: you want to hear, but this is what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: And then you got frustrated because I kept asking the
Speaker 1: same the same thing over and over again, and I
Speaker 1: was like, are you asking me over and over again
Speaker 1: because you want me to say something specific? Because if
Speaker 1: that's the case, it's not gonna happen. This is how
Speaker 1: I feel. And it's funny because when we first met,
Speaker 1: maybe in year one, I was kind of the person
Speaker 1: that I wouldn't say anything. I just kind of kept
Speaker 1: a lot to myself. So I will say that we
Speaker 1: have progressed because you can't get me to shut my
Speaker 1: mouth from you just talk too much. You can barely
Speaker 1: get a word in edgewise, you know. But the last two, um,
Speaker 1: the last two here, women are still complicated. That's when
Speaker 1: I laughed at it. That's when you laughed at women
Speaker 1: are still complicated. Yes, um, I say this to Conde
Speaker 1: all the time and she hates it. I'm like, yo,
Speaker 1: you live in your mind. You live in a completely
Speaker 1: different universe that that is reality. And she used to
Speaker 1: be like, stop saying that to me. You make me
Speaker 1: sound like I'm crazy. But um, I started to realize
Speaker 1: that you're not crazy, You're complicated. You know what. My
Speaker 1: response is always to that. But you love it here.
Speaker 1: I live in all to universe, but you are a
Speaker 1: frequent visitor like the tents, and you are here. So
Speaker 1: you you actually made me pitch the tent in your universe.
Speaker 1: You did that. You take it, um, And the last
Speaker 1: one of the most important one I've got, especially from
Speaker 1: our relationship tribute around the house. No, that wasn't it.
Speaker 1: That's another one. Know, the most important to me was
Speaker 1: no matter no matter what anyone says, your wife wants
Speaker 1: you to lead. And I take that to heart because
Speaker 1: I do feel like in this day and age, there's
Speaker 1: so much talk about you know, it's it's not about
Speaker 1: who's at the head of the table, it's about going
Speaker 1: in the right direction. And we're hearing so many people
Speaker 1: saying like, it's okay to let your wife leaders, Okay,
Speaker 1: let your wifely not believe in that, right, But oftentimes
Speaker 1: you've looked at me and said, babe, what do you want? Like,
Speaker 1: what do you what are we going to do? And
Speaker 1: then sometime trying to prefer right and trying to defer
Speaker 1: sometimes it created more confusion as opposed to me just
Speaker 1: saying this is what we're doing, and you'd be like,
Speaker 1: all right, cool, damn yeah, let's do it. And I
Speaker 1: think also too, over the past ten years, I've learned
Speaker 1: that there's certain things that if I care deeply or
Speaker 1: strongly about, I'm okay with vocalizing that, and then we
Speaker 1: can then figure out a game plan after that. And
Speaker 1: there's certain things that you're just like a hard no
Speaker 1: or a hard yest or a hard we're going to
Speaker 1: do this on and then I'm kind of like, all right, baby,
Speaker 1: that's cool. It's different when there's something that we both
Speaker 1: feel strongly about and it may be opposite directions that
Speaker 1: require more of a conversation or more like the weighing
Speaker 1: the options. Yeah, but like you know, it's it's cliche
Speaker 1: to say, but it's like pick your battles, but it
Speaker 1: really becomes that because it's something as simple as like, Babe,
Speaker 1: you know, we're picking out furniture in our in our home,
Speaker 1: and it's like, but what do you think about this couch?
Speaker 1: You've said to me several times, Okay, the family rooms,
Speaker 1: your area couch, you one, I really don't care. Whereas
Speaker 1: you're downstairs in your space and you're just like, well
Speaker 1: I don't want this painting on the wall, and I'm
Speaker 1: just like, all right, well, let's do space. You know.
Speaker 1: So we learned to kind of pick and choose our
Speaker 1: battles over the course of the years, which I think
Speaker 1: has definitely helped. You know. Um, let me here, let
Speaker 1: me here. So let's see A wife's twenty lessons for
Speaker 1: twenty years of marriage, a purpose driven marriage blog by
Speaker 1: Nadine Stewart. Now, um, so there are a lot of
Speaker 1: cute little ones in here. I think they kind of
Speaker 1: overlapped um. But one thing that stood out to me
Speaker 1: is learn your husband's love language. So we hear the
Speaker 1: term love language thrown around a lot um. I know
Speaker 1: there's a specific list of it um, but for you,
Speaker 1: I know which you need, not just like from a
Speaker 1: sexual standpoint, but now also to just from like what
Speaker 1: makes you feel cared for. I know there's been many
Speaker 1: times over the years that you're just like, well, what
Speaker 1: do you do for me? What have you done that
Speaker 1: was specifically for me? Without you thinking, Okay, this is
Speaker 1: the most convenient way for you to do it, so
Speaker 1: you're going to do it, or I'm going to get
Speaker 1: this done because the vals nagged me about it, like
Speaker 1: really now knowing okay, this is what he likes, this
Speaker 1: is what he will like, and really waking up in
Speaker 1: the morning with the idea in the mindset, how can
Speaker 1: I make devows day easier today? How can I make
Speaker 1: Devo's date better today? And sometimes it's something as simple
Speaker 1: as just making sure that you have a smoothie ready
Speaker 1: after your workout, you know what I mean, without you
Speaker 1: have to ask for it, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: Like little things like that, I'm all right, so I
Speaker 1: just have the smoothie ready and not doing it all
Speaker 1: my time, but doing it and say, hey, I have
Speaker 1: a lot going on today. Let me make this movie.
Speaker 1: Put it in the freezer. Shoot to a text, Babe,
Speaker 1: I'm running out to run some errands, but your smoothies
Speaker 1: in the freezer. Simple, And then I think you like
Speaker 1: something like that. After a while, I realized, Okay, that's
Speaker 1: something small, but it can be something big. When I
Speaker 1: know how you feel cared for. It's not enough for
Speaker 1: me to know internally that I love you. I have
Speaker 1: to find ways to show you that are more um um.
Speaker 1: And that in turn says be your husband's biggest cheerleader.
Speaker 1: And there was also one that said complement your husband
Speaker 1: in front of others. I was going to I was
Speaker 1: going to point these out because I was going to
Speaker 1: do the opposite after this and say, I'm gonna read
Speaker 1: what she learned at the twenty and see if there's
Speaker 1: certain things I could pick out for you. Because we
Speaker 1: just had a conversation about this, because I notice with
Speaker 1: people it's like, just like yelp, right, if you have
Speaker 1: a bad experience in a restaurant, you'll run to yelp
Speaker 1: and be like, oh, this place is trash, right, But
Speaker 1: if you have a great experience in a restaurant, you
Speaker 1: never compliment the restaurant in public for people to hear.
Speaker 1: And I noticed the same thing with marriages. There's a
Speaker 1: passive aggressive nature with spouses. Not just women, are not
Speaker 1: just men with spouses where they'll say something negative about
Speaker 1: their spouse in front of other people to get the
Speaker 1: message across passive aggressively. But you very rarely hear spouses
Speaker 1: say passive aggressive positive things about their spouse in front
Speaker 1: of people. So when you're constantly hearing these negative, negative reinforcements,
Speaker 1: that weighs on your spouse. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: And I feel like, um, I feel like you know,
Speaker 1: we've both done that to each other a lot in
Speaker 1: the first you know, ten years of marriage and you know,
Speaker 1: watching her, you know, watching reading that said is like wow, right,
Speaker 1: because you said before, like you know, people will always
Speaker 1: like praise you and I together collectively for something that
Speaker 1: you've done right. But then when it comes to something
Speaker 1: that I do by myself or people assume it's about myself,
Speaker 1: it's like, oh, go kidine, But they don't ever think
Speaker 1: about devo too in that moment, you know, And I
Speaker 1: feel like it may in part be because, for example,
Speaker 1: on social media, you're just way more expressive than I am.
Speaker 1: You're creative, like you are the master mind behind the
Speaker 1: social media with us. So you post more, you will
Speaker 1: post me, you'll post the appreciation, You'll be very vocal
Speaker 1: about how you feel about me on social media, whereas
Speaker 1: I don't tend to do the same thing because maybe
Speaker 1: the person that posts once a week. Sometimes I have
Speaker 1: my waves, and it's not for lack of me caring
Speaker 1: to express publicly how I feel about you. Some things
Speaker 1: that kind of feel like are already understood, you know.
Speaker 1: So that's the problem exactly, because even if it's not
Speaker 1: social media, you'll be in the kitchen. I'll just come
Speaker 1: up behind you and I'll kiss you. Don't be like
Speaker 1: I love you, and then you know, you'd be like thanks,
Speaker 1: and I'll kiss you and I'll touch on you and
Speaker 1: then I'll walk away. I don't get that from you
Speaker 1: because you probably feel like it's already understood. Imagine living
Speaker 1: your life where your spouse will only assume that the
Speaker 1: positive things are understood, so they don't have to say it,
Speaker 1: but then the negative things. Let me make sure he
Speaker 1: knows the negative things don't be understood. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. That's the fact, And that's why I realize
Speaker 1: your love language is that it's it's having those positive
Speaker 1: affirmations or like the over I don't want to say over,
Speaker 1: but they display affection. Those are the things that I
Speaker 1: know that you like to and then also to being
Speaker 1: able to praise you publicly, because I think also to
Speaker 1: for a man and for his his ego, he also
Speaker 1: wants to know that he's doing well. Absolutely, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. UM, So it's not enough for me
Speaker 1: to just feel it internally or for me to just
Speaker 1: assume that you know, um, marriage is not it's one
Speaker 1: hundred fact M And that is actually very true. I
Speaker 1: mean in the beginning, I feel like we kind of
Speaker 1: came in fifty fifty because we were still trying to
Speaker 1: figure out ourselves individually. But I feel like now going
Speaker 1: into the next ten, we can definitely say that we're
Speaker 1: i'ld say happening about me and I can I would
Speaker 1: have to say, I would like, you don't think you
Speaker 1: know yourself? Right? Someone? Or maybe I'll give myself a
Speaker 1: ten percent to evolve. If that makes it, that's what
Speaker 1: I would say. I would say, it's more about evolution.
Speaker 1: I came into marriage trying to give everything to this marriage,
Speaker 1: but I just didn't have the tools to give the
Speaker 1: right way. Maybe that's what I'm saying. So I was
Speaker 1: always in a hundred and I mean, I think a
Speaker 1: little bit of where you and I differed was, uh
Speaker 1: remember podcast episode I think episode I mean season four.
Speaker 1: You has said you were focused mainly on the wedding
Speaker 1: and didn't give much thought about the marriage, and I
Speaker 1: think that's why you kind of feel like, well, now
Speaker 1: I'm actually focused on the marriage because you were focused
Speaker 1: on a different aspect of our relationship. You were focused
Speaker 1: on the wedding at that point in the marriage, kind
Speaker 1: of like, oh ship, we are married now. For me,
Speaker 1: I was really focused on the marriage, trying to focus
Speaker 1: on how to be the best version. But I just
Speaker 1: did not I know how to be a good husband,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So it's like I didn't
Speaker 1: have the tools. I was in the wrong direction, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. And you at that point wasn't
Speaker 1: really focused much on it. So we were both struggling
Speaker 1: in the beginning parts. Yeah, that was definitely a factor.
Speaker 1: You know. It's funny I talked about not feeling as
Speaker 1: if I was prepared for marriage in the beginning in
Speaker 1: my twenties, like you know, no one ever prepared me.
Speaker 1: But to be quite honest, even with preparation, even with advice,
Speaker 1: you just have to be in it. You have to
Speaker 1: be in it, like you know. And I can't blame
Speaker 1: you know, for example, my mom, or my aunt's or
Speaker 1: past family members or anybody for not preparing me per
Speaker 1: se because what might have been the realms in which
Speaker 1: my parents, for example, had their marriage or they existed
Speaker 1: in their space as a marriage might not have worked
Speaker 1: for us. So that's definitely something that over the year side.
Speaker 1: So let me ask a question, learned, honest question. In
Speaker 1: other cultures, you hear, you know, you hear people say
Speaker 1: things like, um, for example, and it comes to white women, right,
Speaker 1: white women are groomed to be wives. They say same
Speaker 1: thing about Asian women, right, Like they say the same
Speaker 1: thing about Asian Asian women, Indian women, white women, how
Speaker 1: they're groom to be wives and quote unquote, they're they're
Speaker 1: more submissive because of that. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Have you ever heard that before? Right? So do you
Speaker 1: think do you think do you think it's a cultural
Speaker 1: thing where black people in particular are not grooming the
Speaker 1: younger generation to be spouses. So for example, they say,
Speaker 1: you know, with with black men, black men are not
Speaker 1: groomed to be husbands. So we're horrible in relationships. We
Speaker 1: don't know how to communicate. And I'll agree to that.
Speaker 1: My father never talked to me about how to speak
Speaker 1: to my wife, you know what I'm saying. There was
Speaker 1: no man's group on how do I speak to my
Speaker 1: wife in this situation. So a lot of times I
Speaker 1: was speaking to you like I would speak to my athletes,
Speaker 1: and then you realize, like I can't communicate with my
Speaker 1: wife like this, you know what I'm saying. But I
Speaker 1: was only doing what I knew best and communicate. There's
Speaker 1: some relationships where I would say for black men and
Speaker 1: women that communication is just not a thing, Like they
Speaker 1: don't know how to communicate, you know. And I think
Speaker 1: if you take it back to even like like even
Speaker 1: if I take it back to like, you know, our
Speaker 1: ancestors and and days even post slavery or durious slavery,
Speaker 1: like there was survival. Survival was the main thing. So
Speaker 1: if you're thinking about being in survival mode, just trying
Speaker 1: to teach your your your family or your children how
Speaker 1: to live and how to survive. We had different stresses
Speaker 1: in life. We had way different stresses. So in terms
Speaker 1: of grooming someone for marriage, that might not have been
Speaker 1: on the top of the totem pole when you're trying
Speaker 1: to tell people how to survive, how to understandable to
Speaker 1: to live, how to to work, how to you know.
Speaker 1: But but you can see how that's been a detriment
Speaker 1: to generations because even when you look at look at
Speaker 1: some of these things that you say, like like, for example,
Speaker 1: she says she learns as a wife. Right, If you
Speaker 1: say this to some women nowadays, they'd be like, I'm
Speaker 1: not doing that as mad submissive, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Like even for the fact that um letting your husband lead, um,
Speaker 1: complimenting him, let him know you're apreciate him. Um. What
Speaker 1: was another one? I see here be your spouse as
Speaker 1: big as cheerleader. It's like, oh, what you want me
Speaker 1: to just be my husband's kiss ass. But it's like
Speaker 1: these are things that want a list of people who've
Speaker 1: been married twenty years. I don't think it's a kiss
Speaker 1: ass though. I think it's like you need to build
Speaker 1: your man up, but not essentially for black men who
Speaker 1: tend to go out into this world and they're beat
Speaker 1: down all the time. So I think because even for
Speaker 1: for men, it's like some of these things here it says,
Speaker 1: contribute around the house, take time to listen. It's like, oh,
Speaker 1: so you want me to be soft, learn your wife's
Speaker 1: love language. You want me to be a sim you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. It's like when you look at
Speaker 1: these things that they're listening to be prepared for marriage.
Speaker 1: When you say some of these things two single people,
Speaker 1: they're like, I'm not doing that ship, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. And do you. I think that they're coming
Speaker 1: into it without the mindset of serving like we talked about, right. So,
Speaker 1: if you're not thinking about serving and you're not thinking
Speaker 1: about these lists of things right this this is probably
Speaker 1: part of the reason why so many of so many
Speaker 1: of people in our culture feel like if I get
Speaker 1: a white woman or Asian or Indian woman, they're more
Speaker 1: submissive because they're they're taught about marriage like you hear
Speaker 1: all the time that white women are taught how to
Speaker 1: be wives, Asian women are taught how to be wives.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Indian women are to how
Speaker 1: to be wives. And our culture, being a wife is
Speaker 1: like secondary or maybe even third after being a career
Speaker 1: woman for a Black woman, mainly because in our culture
Speaker 1: socio economically, women have never held a position in history
Speaker 1: in America where we were, they were just stay at
Speaker 1: home wives or they were able to know what I'm
Speaker 1: saying social economically, absolutely so, and it's the same thing
Speaker 1: for men. We've never been in the position, and because
Speaker 1: of generate lack of generational wealth where we were just
Speaker 1: the breadwinner, we've always had to rely on our wives
Speaker 1: throughout Black American history in order to bring money in.
Speaker 1: So when you hear things like you know, I'm the
Speaker 1: leader of the house, I'm the head of household, household,
Speaker 1: it's hard to say that when you're asking this woman
Speaker 1: to bring in money as well. So it's like, how
Speaker 1: do we teach the next generation to be wives and
Speaker 1: husbands without them being defend about, like, well, I'm not
Speaker 1: doing these things because that will make me less of
Speaker 1: an individual. You know what I'm saying, but they have
Speaker 1: to be necessary. I think they has to be balanced
Speaker 1: with that um and certain things are just necessary for
Speaker 1: your spouse to intern feel like they're valued in a relationship.
Speaker 1: It's like, what are you more concerned about the fact
Speaker 1: that you can have a career and you can flaw
Speaker 1: us and have the nice things and that's just what
Speaker 1: you're about. If that's what you're about, then you may
Speaker 1: want to consider not being married. That may not be
Speaker 1: for you. But in terms of being in a relationship
Speaker 1: and trying to build up your spouse, who else are
Speaker 1: you going to be doing it for? I mean, that's
Speaker 1: that's what are we doing it for? It Like, if
Speaker 1: it's you into you and another person existing in a
Speaker 1: space where you're wanting to build a life together, why
Speaker 1: not be that person's biggest I hear you? Why not
Speaker 1: be that? You know what I'm saying, I hear you.
Speaker 1: Do you think that this will ever be normalized though?
Speaker 1: Because even if you look at social media, if you
Speaker 1: look at social media, this is not the normal relationship
Speaker 1: that we see. That's why we have a black Love page,
Speaker 1: a black love exists, why we have Black Love the
Speaker 1: show which you and I were on that's why you
Speaker 1: have black love, doctor, is because the normal relationship you've
Speaker 1: seen between men and women it's either men womenizing women
Speaker 1: or now there's a whole culture of black women gaining
Speaker 1: their sexual revolution and claiming it and they're like, well,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna treat you the same way you treated me
Speaker 1: for all of these generations, which is toxic, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. And that's become the normal part of
Speaker 1: mainstream media, get you back type or you're going to
Speaker 1: have to pay for right. Yeah. But then you'll see,
Speaker 1: like this is a couple of goals. So you have
Speaker 1: a young man and a young woman who have young men,
Speaker 1: or a young woman who has never been taught how
Speaker 1: to be a spouse, but then aspire to being a
Speaker 1: relationship not knowing how to be in a relationship, and
Speaker 1: end up in a toxic relationship. Couple got there? You know,
Speaker 1: we see the hashtag relationship goals or goals under our
Speaker 1: pages all the time. But people see us now ten
Speaker 1: years married, in eighteen years together. I don't know if
Speaker 1: y'a would have been saying that about it ten years ago.
Speaker 1: I know for a fact they wouldn't have been or
Speaker 1: twelve years ago Yeah, I wouldn't have been saying that
Speaker 1: about us because there was a lot that went into
Speaker 1: us getting to this point, and we could have skipped
Speaker 1: that step if we would have been if we would
Speaker 1: have been privy to mentor and and receptive to it.
Speaker 1: I feel like there's also this generation is not receptive
Speaker 1: to some of that things. It's just like a hard
Speaker 1: no or a hard I'm not doing that. And it's
Speaker 1: just like, but why is it just because you're going
Speaker 1: off of what your friends are saying? Are you going
Speaker 1: off of what you've seen your part? You know what
Speaker 1: I mean? Like, there's a hard note with so many
Speaker 1: things that I feel like if there was a little
Speaker 1: bit more thought, our compassion that went into it, it
Speaker 1: could probably let's go in a different director. Let's be honest, right,
Speaker 1: You and I when we work out, we watch rat
Speaker 1: videos on vivo, right, and we have certain artists. I'm
Speaker 1: not going to out any artists or anything like, but
Speaker 1: we have certain artists that we watch because their music
Speaker 1: is going. I look at some of these artists in
Speaker 1: the videos and I'm like, if my son's only watched
Speaker 1: these images of what the interaction is between men and women,
Speaker 1: they're gonna grow up with a skewed version of what
Speaker 1: life is supposed to be. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: The way these men treat these women in these videos,
Speaker 1: the way these women, when they have position of powers,
Speaker 1: treat the men in these videos, It's kind of like,
Speaker 1: how do our children learn how to be in a
Speaker 1: relationship if these are all the images they see? You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. And I know for a fact
Speaker 1: that for the next ten years, with all this knowledge
Speaker 1: I have, it's gonna be way better than the first
Speaker 1: because we're planning on these steps right here that we're reading,
Speaker 1: but also the things that we've learned, and I will
Speaker 1: have to say, a lot of it is just dropping ego.
Speaker 1: You cannot be in a relationship and believe that your
Speaker 1: your ego is more important than the relationship itself. And
Speaker 1: I think that's the main thing, Like it's not about
Speaker 1: me anymore. It ultimately has to be about the other person.
Speaker 1: And if it's always gonna be about you, let it
Speaker 1: be about you. But we just don't burn about don't
Speaker 1: get married, don't get married just about you and be
Speaker 1: whole hardly about you. And that's okay, that's okay to um.
Speaker 1: You touching on the relationship sorry the family or for example,
Speaker 1: like our sons Um Jackson, Karen Kaz If there that's
Speaker 1: what they see, then that's what they will tend to
Speaker 1: emulate that well, that's what they will aspire to. And
Speaker 1: I feel like one question that I had had was
Speaker 1: where you see us as a family in ten years.
Speaker 1: I feel like I want our boys to see us
Speaker 1: in a healthy space because, yeah, they can watch social media.
Speaker 1: Social media will be around. I'm sure they'll watch television
Speaker 1: and stuff like that, but we don't want for our
Speaker 1: children to gain much of anything, you know what I
Speaker 1: mean about their life or their lifestyle from social media
Speaker 1: or from the media. Um. If anything, we're trying to
Speaker 1: shelter them from that, and we're going to also just
Speaker 1: like kind of make sure that we're mindful of what
Speaker 1: they're in taking. But I think for me, it's important
Speaker 1: for them to see us in a space where their
Speaker 1: mom and dad love each other and they're having healthy conversations.
Speaker 1: And even if it's a thing where we have a
Speaker 1: disagreement publicly in front of them, you know, or they're
Speaker 1: walking on something like that, I would love for them
Speaker 1: to also see at the end that you know mom
Speaker 1: and Dad ultimately were able to get over that and
Speaker 1: they you know, love each other. Um. Because she also
Speaker 1: mentioned here um Nadine in her list. Um, it was
Speaker 1: a responsibility for teaching your kids about faith, family, morals
Speaker 1: and values, sharing your dreams and goals together. Um. Making
Speaker 1: sure that you have at least one meal together as
Speaker 1: a family, prioritizing that. Um. So that's actually something that
Speaker 1: I should be And it says your marriage should be
Speaker 1: the priority relationship of the family, which I think sometimes
Speaker 1: it happens where parenting parenting onett and that's super important.
Speaker 1: She's that's actually number thirteen on the list. If there's
Speaker 1: one thing, let's see the reverse of that, where we're
Speaker 1: putting the kids first. So that's if there's one thing
Speaker 1: I'll say that I'm going to make a flip from
Speaker 1: this year from leving On, is that I am no
Speaker 1: longer and this has to be a matter of fact.
Speaker 1: I hope this is trouble make a note. This is
Speaker 1: going to have to be the sound bite for this episode.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to go into my marriage saying that
Speaker 1: my kids are always going to be first. That's just
Speaker 1: not healthy because the kids don't get here without us.
Speaker 1: So if I'm constantly putting their kids first and not
Speaker 1: my wife, right, They're not going to be able to
Speaker 1: see a healthy relationship to grow up to be productive
Speaker 1: humans and ultimately seek out relationships that are healthy because
Speaker 1: they'll see me as a good dad and they'll see
Speaker 1: you as a good mom, but they won't see us
Speaker 1: be good spouses. You have to continue to be first
Speaker 1: in my life, and I want to continue to be
Speaker 1: first and yours because that's the only way we will
Speaker 1: be able to build a family unit that's powerful enough
Speaker 1: to spread that that image and to spread that that
Speaker 1: word outwardly. As a wife and a mom, I feel
Speaker 1: like there's so much discussion after you have children about oh,
Speaker 1: I have to find myself again and I have to
Speaker 1: find myself again and I to be who I am again,
Speaker 1: But there's very little conversation about finding who you who
Speaker 1: you finding who you are, or who you can be
Speaker 1: after motherhood for your spouse again. You know what I mean?
Speaker 1: You know what I mean. There's being the best mom,
Speaker 1: being the best mom and all that, but a lot
Speaker 1: of the focus shifts once you have children to the
Speaker 1: children for the mom particularly, not to take anything away
Speaker 1: from fathers who are providing and who are there's a
Speaker 1: certain there's a we have a child, and there's a
Speaker 1: lot of focus on like being that first time mom
Speaker 1: and everyone checking in on the mom and making does
Speaker 1: she's making sure that she gets herself back, And then
Speaker 1: there's also a bit of like she deserves to get
Speaker 1: herself back for herself, yes, but a lot of myself
Speaker 1: getting back was for you. Like I wanted you to
Speaker 1: have your wife back. I wanted you to have cadeem back,
Speaker 1: the person who you initially fell in love with before
Speaker 1: we had children. So if anything, I feel like in
Speaker 1: the next ten years, I am going to make a
Speaker 1: conscious effort, like you said, to be that number one
Speaker 1: for you because I fel like if we're both each
Speaker 1: other's number one, then it's only it's going to be
Speaker 1: that much healthier of a situation for our boys. That's
Speaker 1: I mean, that's that actually ties back into what we
Speaker 1: talked about before. When you're getting you know, God gives
Speaker 1: you or the universe, whoever you believe in, they give
Speaker 1: you enough and in abundance so that you can share
Speaker 1: and pay it forward. Right, So imagine if me as
Speaker 1: a husband is giving a lot to my wife, all
Speaker 1: of the abundance you have, you could give to me
Speaker 1: and give to the kids. And if we're constantly pouring
Speaker 1: into each other, we can always have abundance to pour
Speaker 1: into the kids. But if exactly if we're taking all
Speaker 1: of this and we're constantly pouring into the kids, and
Speaker 1: the kids are not going to be pouring back into us,
Speaker 1: and they shouldn't have to their kids indirectly because we
Speaker 1: enjoyed indirectly. Indirectly, they do. But it's different when someone
Speaker 1: is directly pouring into you and you're pouring into them.
Speaker 1: So now God is pouring into me, my wife is
Speaker 1: pouring into me. Of course I'm going to have enough
Speaker 1: to pour into my kids and my wife as opposed
Speaker 1: to God pouring into me, and I'm pouring into my kids,
Speaker 1: and then whatever's left over my wife gets. That's how
Speaker 1: you get that fracture in a relationship, you know. And
Speaker 1: I'll be the first to admit that there were points
Speaker 1: when you know, you became a mom while I was
Speaker 1: just like them. I really don't matter anymore, you know,
Speaker 1: after Jackson, it was both of our first we were
Speaker 1: both like we adored Jackson, like we were both like
Speaker 1: honed in hundreds of him. I didn't feel it that
Speaker 1: much after him. When Cairo came, it was a five
Speaker 1: year difference, you know, after Jackson, so I felt like
Speaker 1: we were both like, how do we do this all
Speaker 1: over again? But then when it was Kiro and Kas
Speaker 1: and then Jackson was like, yo, I'm still here. There
Speaker 1: were points where I was just like, I'm never gonna
Speaker 1: get my wife back. Until possible for me to be
Speaker 1: able to divide myself into four, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: it was virtually impossible. But I feel like I'm um
Speaker 1: in a space now where I'm like, all right, I
Speaker 1: got my mojo back. Cas is three, and you know,
Speaker 1: we're definitely mentally the difference. But it almost sounds selfish
Speaker 1: because we've been so conditioned to hear my kids are
Speaker 1: gonna come first. It sounds selfish to say, well, my
Speaker 1: wife's always gonna come first. Well, for me, as a husband,
Speaker 1: I was always like conditioned that way. My father told
Speaker 1: me that was just like you take care of your wife.
Speaker 1: Your wife wanna take kid and kids. And my father
Speaker 1: would telling me like, well you you may get was
Speaker 1: left over. But I've never really heard a woman say
Speaker 1: my wife, my husband comes first. And then the kids.
Speaker 1: And the funny thing is when I do see women
Speaker 1: say that online, other women be bashing that woman, like
Speaker 1: I've seen women in comments make stuff about like I
Speaker 1: don't you know, don't care what your women say. My
Speaker 1: husband is how these kids got here. He's always gonna
Speaker 1: come first. And I've seen other women like your kids
Speaker 1: and asked to be here and no and not. But
Speaker 1: then when you think about it, that's probably why her
Speaker 1: marriage and her relationship is so strong, because she puts
Speaker 1: her husband first, and he has the energy to put
Speaker 1: into her and the kids, and he puts his wife first.
Speaker 1: So that's a great revelation there about constantly putting your
Speaker 1: spouse first, even when you have kids. I think that
Speaker 1: that's like key, Like that's that's key. Some things that
Speaker 1: we're going to leave behind. What are we gonna leave behind? Um?
Speaker 1: One thing I'm going to leave behind? Wow, I didn't
Speaker 1: even really give much much thought into this. I think
Speaker 1: we can leave behind um. You know, selfishness. That's something
Speaker 1: that is no longer an equation or in the equation
Speaker 1: factors into the equation. UM. Leaving behind For me, I know,
Speaker 1: I'm like my way of doing things sometimes it is
Speaker 1: not necessarily the right way of doing things per se.
Speaker 1: And for a long time I was like, well, well
Speaker 1: I did it, though, like I did it, and I
Speaker 1: did it my way and it happened, and I don't
Speaker 1: I didn't realize how that in turn may kind of
Speaker 1: stress you out or it leaves you to then feel
Speaker 1: like you're waiting on me to execute something. And just
Speaker 1: because I'm doing it my way doesn't necessarily mean it's
Speaker 1: right or doesn't mean that it's not causing you frustration
Speaker 1: because it may be a collective thing that we're trying
Speaker 1: to do, maybe just even from like a business standpoint.
Speaker 1: You know, I have to respect the fact that you know,
Speaker 1: just because I do it my way, I can't be
Speaker 1: sensitive to the fact that this is the way you
Speaker 1: do the same the same thing. You know. Does that
Speaker 1: make sense? It makes sense. Yeah, I've I've legitimately figured
Speaker 1: it out. I am going to leave behind projecting what
Speaker 1: I think your your purposes in life and let you
Speaker 1: do it on your own, because I feel like these
Speaker 1: first ten years I spent a lot of time saying, hey,
Speaker 1: you know you'll be doing good at this. Okay, you
Speaker 1: know you'll be great at doing this. Kay, you need
Speaker 1: to do it this way. If you want to be
Speaker 1: successful doing this, I'm gonna leave that in from I'm
Speaker 1: gonna leave all that behind and say, you know what, Hey,
Speaker 1: you figure out what it is you want to do,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna support it no matter what, because that
Speaker 1: will that will leave me of some stress and anxiety
Speaker 1: of not watching you do things the way I want
Speaker 1: to do it. Plus it will also allow you the
Speaker 1: creative space to figure out what your purpose is because
Speaker 1: I kept saying to myself, I know what my wife's
Speaker 1: purpose is. I know what she wants to be and
Speaker 1: what she wants to do, and when you weren't doing
Speaker 1: those things, it was disappointed. And I think those disappointments
Speaker 1: led to resentment. You know what I'm saying for for
Speaker 1: both of us, and I'm gonna leave that behind. Don't
Speaker 1: help me in turn too, because it will help me
Speaker 1: as I try to you know, battle my as I
Speaker 1: have been the areas that are procrastinating and don't get
Speaker 1: things done. I feel like if I you know, it's
Speaker 1: kind of the onus is off of you if things
Speaker 1: don't get done, to be like, Okay, I'm here for
Speaker 1: you if you need me. However, do you think sis
Speaker 1: you know, and it's gonna be up to me to
Speaker 1: do my thing. And if I don't, then I will
Speaker 1: have to take the onus and say you know what,
Speaker 1: or accept that something may not have gotten or it
Speaker 1: did get done and I can celebrate that. So I'm
Speaker 1: going to put out there that I will get the
Speaker 1: things done that I was procrastinating on as I've been
Speaker 1: trying to work on it, and you know I have
Speaker 1: been trying to work on it if you have been
Speaker 1: working on it. So but you know what this is.
Speaker 1: This is good and ultimately I think it's good for
Speaker 1: people to understand why we love to do dead as podcasts.
Speaker 1: Speaking out loud allows you to work through things. This
Speaker 1: is our form of therapy. You know, we don't have
Speaker 1: a therapist. Um, we've learned each other through therapy through
Speaker 1: the podcast, so listening to each other to speak and
Speaker 1: and think out loud. Um, I've learned a lot. Let's
Speaker 1: take a quick break, was pay some bills to get
Speaker 1: to these ads and come back and do some listening letters.
Speaker 1: But I have learned through this process of listening to
Speaker 1: you now some more things about us that we can
Speaker 1: share another episode. But I definitely have like put some
Speaker 1: some little tabs there and say, you know what, that
Speaker 1: would be a dolt podcast. We'll tell you when we
Speaker 1: get back from all right, sounds good? All right, all right,
Speaker 1: now we're back after paying these bills. We're back to
Speaker 1: Cadine's favorite nosy time of the show where you gets
Speaker 1: the listening letters from. Now it's time for me to
Speaker 1: get in y'all's business. I'm sparking off right now. All right, First,
Speaker 1: I want to say I absolutely love you guys, your podcast,
Speaker 1: your videos, everything. My fiance and I have had a
Speaker 1: lot in common with you too. We have been together
Speaker 1: for thirteen years in January, congratulations. Since he was seventeen
Speaker 1: and I was. He asked me to marry him three
Speaker 1: years ago, shortly after we found that I was pregnant
Speaker 1: and we I have a beautiful three year old daughter.
Speaker 1: Congratulations again. Since then, he has been having a lot
Speaker 1: of cold feet. He knows that I value marriage and
Speaker 1: I am so ready to be married. I mean, hell,
Speaker 1: I pretty much spent half my life with him. We
Speaker 1: started out being best friends. So the love is great,
Speaker 1: the parenting is great, the sex is amazing. Money could
Speaker 1: be better, but I know that will come as we grow.
Speaker 1: Um our one problem that bothers us, mostly him, is
Speaker 1: our communication isn't always up to par. You get into
Speaker 1: the monotony of life and sometimes we aren't talking about
Speaker 1: laughing like, oh, we're talking about laughing like we used to.
Speaker 1: I know. This scares him about getting married and not
Speaker 1: wanting to be bored. The vulnerability is they're just not
Speaker 1: the fun conversation all the time. So my question is
Speaker 1: how can we keep our communication going and great? So
Speaker 1: my my first question when I read this is like,
Speaker 1: are you guys making time for yourselves to to do
Speaker 1: the things that you did when you were dating and
Speaker 1: you first got together. You know, I know sometimes when
Speaker 1: you throw a child into the relationship and she's three now,
Speaker 1: those three years might have been the test for him
Speaker 1: to be like, don't know, because things are very different
Speaker 1: when children become involved, absolutely different, absolutely different. So back
Speaker 1: to what we just said towards the end of the
Speaker 1: meat of the show, um, making sure that we're putting
Speaker 1: each other first. So are you putting him first? And
Speaker 1: is he putting you first? That would probably be a
Speaker 1: good place to start, Um, to make sure that you
Speaker 1: guys are on the same page with that, and that
Speaker 1: you're pouring into each other because it could be a
Speaker 1: thing where you're you're in mommy and daddy mode now
Speaker 1: and you kind of lost sight of what it was
Speaker 1: like to be here. Fiance's honestly, I would I would
Speaker 1: say that's exactly what it is. Things things seem to
Speaker 1: get still in a relationship when you lose sight of
Speaker 1: what the focal points should be. You know, you to
Speaker 1: our life partners. You know what I'm saying, You tube
Speaker 1: should focus on each other and everything that comes after
Speaker 1: that should be secondary. It sounds crazy because we've heard
Speaker 1: the opposite. My kids are always going to come first.
Speaker 1: Your spouse has to come first. When you have a child, Automatically,
Speaker 1: your first instinct as a parent is to at the
Speaker 1: child first. But realistically, you can't even be the best
Speaker 1: version of yourself if you're not fulfilled within your relationship.
Speaker 1: So I think you two should take some time, um, recoup, regroup,
Speaker 1: and say, you know what, I'm gonna go back to
Speaker 1: dating my my fiance. I'm gonna go back to making
Speaker 1: sure that he knows that he's number one, and he
Speaker 1: should go back to making sure that you're number one.
Speaker 1: Instead of both of you running to the child all
Speaker 1: the time. And that doesn't mean you neglect your children.
Speaker 1: That's not what we're saying, because you know there'll always
Speaker 1: be some extremists and be like they be neglecting Nate kids.
Speaker 1: You know, what we're saying is that if you pour
Speaker 1: into each other, you have enough energy for everyone. So
Speaker 1: that's true. Actually, number eight on Nadine's this was regular
Speaker 1: date nights are a musk, but tracks together are amazing.
Speaker 1: So depending on what you guys, um have, if you
Speaker 1: have resources to be able to make sure those date
Speaker 1: nights happen, um, you need to break up that monotony because,
Speaker 1: let me tell you, after having kids, it's like bottles
Speaker 1: and diapers and changing in here and there. The monotony
Speaker 1: is what I think also was a detriment to us
Speaker 1: to falling into this day in day out ships passing
Speaker 1: in the night. Like, you know, the main conversation we
Speaker 1: were having is like, well, where are you at today?
Speaker 1: What client do you have? All Right, I'm busy at
Speaker 1: this time. Okay, who's picking up Jackson? Okay? Dada? You
Speaker 1: got pampers? Dada? You know it was just like it
Speaker 1: was just so so Monday. You know why, because fun
Speaker 1: comes from new experiences. No and nothing you do, no
Speaker 1: matter how fun it is, if you do it over
Speaker 1: and over and over again, it remains fun. It starts
Speaker 1: to lose its luster. You need new experiences. So oftentimes
Speaker 1: when relationship relationships become marriages and they become parents, um,
Speaker 1: you stop doing new things and experiencing new things because
Speaker 1: your whole life revolves around the kids or work. What
Speaker 1: you have to continue to do is travel and experience
Speaker 1: new things because that is going to make things fun.
Speaker 1: It will give you that that monotonous conversation will disappear
Speaker 1: if you've gone to a new place because now you
Speaker 1: can talk about a new experience. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: So make sure you do that. Yeah, the question being
Speaker 1: how can we keep our communication going and great? Is
Speaker 1: that making for each other, making time for new experience
Speaker 1: each other? Love that? Good luck, y'all. I read it.
Speaker 1: My girlfriend and I will be celebrating one year Anne
Speaker 1: our when your anniversary in December. In the short amount
Speaker 1: of time together, we have discussed marriage, kids, and spend
Speaker 1: the rest of our lives together. We're so in love
Speaker 1: with each other that I know I'm proposing to her
Speaker 1: within the next year. With that being said, yeah, we'll
Speaker 1: be moving in together come summer one. This will be
Speaker 1: the first time that either of us have lived with
Speaker 1: a significant other. We're both the oldest children in our families,
Speaker 1: so both both of us have the same quirks and
Speaker 1: particular vibes that come along with being the oldest child
Speaker 1: aka that oldest child stubbornness. We feel you on that.
Speaker 1: Any advice and tips for us as we get ready
Speaker 1: to make this huge step moving in together and working
Speaker 1: towards marriage. Oh you guys, this is hopefully they've been
Speaker 1: listening to this whole episode, because yeah, I feel like
Speaker 1: there's a lot of of advice. But one thing we
Speaker 1: have learned, and we talked about this on the sex episode,
Speaker 1: is creating new experiences. Make life exciting, period, Like just
Speaker 1: do not get caught up in the mundane. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm married now, I gotta go to work and come home.
Speaker 1: I gotta have kids, gotta go work, come no find
Speaker 1: time to go on vacation, go on staycations within your city.
Speaker 1: Codeine and I had some of the best sex in
Speaker 1: our lives being in Brooklyn, and it's staying at a
Speaker 1: hotel in Brooklyn because it was just a different experience
Speaker 1: than what we were doing. Get you a little deal,
Speaker 1: get a little deal, you know, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: Have have some nice, amazing sex, go go see go
Speaker 1: to a theater, go go see a play, go do
Speaker 1: something different. And then the conversations that come from those
Speaker 1: experiences remain fresh because and I have sat down and
Speaker 1: had hour long hours and hours of a long conversation
Speaker 1: about what we want to do and what we've been
Speaker 1: inspired to do based on the things that we've experienced.
Speaker 1: So continue to date each other throughout the process. Don't
Speaker 1: don't stop. And it sounds cliche, but it's really not cliche.
Speaker 1: You do something great together. Even a couple of things
Speaker 1: on Nadine's list here that I had also pegged that
Speaker 1: were important agree on the foundation of your marriage or
Speaker 1: your relationship. So going into this marriage, going into this relationship,
Speaker 1: going into living together, what are the most things that
Speaker 1: are important for you as the building blocks or what
Speaker 1: are going to be the building blocks that have gotten
Speaker 1: you to this point and that will then be the
Speaker 1: building blocks for your marriage. That's important conversation to have.
Speaker 1: Um also to just no annoying habits may not go away.
Speaker 1: That was number ten on her list. So as you
Speaker 1: move in with somebody. Now there's certain things that you've
Speaker 1: done living in your space and certain things that she's
Speaker 1: done living in her space that now you guys are
Speaker 1: going to be doing together. Devoutting his pile of clothes
Speaker 1: in the corner of the room when everything else is
Speaker 1: put away. It's gonna be a thing that, you know,
Speaker 1: you may just have to get used to. Exactly the
Speaker 1: top being crazy with pick up and everything on it.
Speaker 1: You know, clean everything, believe the whole countertop, Sweep out
Speaker 1: piles of dirt into the corner and leave it different
Speaker 1: at the time. That's it. You're never gonna stop, no
Speaker 1: matter how many times you say it. That's it. It's
Speaker 1: just habits and little things like the VAL's feet being
Speaker 1: squeaky all over the floor because his feet are clamming
Speaker 1: all the time. I can't change. Like, there's just little
Speaker 1: things that you're just gonna have. Little things like like
Speaker 1: farting in her sleep, Like little things like that. Not
Speaker 1: do it in my sleep, You don't know. Becauld you
Speaker 1: be sleep, you be sleep like little things like that,
Speaker 1: don't you know what I mean? So just be prepared
Speaker 1: for little things like that, little little quirks that each
Speaker 1: other may have UM and in turn you find a
Speaker 1: way to laugh about it over the years, for sure.
Speaker 1: So good luck to y'all. I think y'all are on
Speaker 1: the right track and I'm happy to see that you
Speaker 1: guys are having the discussions about where you want your
Speaker 1: like to go. Absolutely, and if you'd like to be
Speaker 1: featured as one of our listening letters, email us at
Speaker 1: dead ass Advice at gmail dot com. Oh you flipped
Speaker 1: it this time. That's D A D A S S
Speaker 1: A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: Look look at the spell out loud a bit. What's
Speaker 1: your moment of truth for today? There were so many
Speaker 1: moments of truth. I feel like I could pull from
Speaker 1: this UM. I guess going into this next ten years
Speaker 1: and on because I'm not on campus at twenty UM,
Speaker 1: but I feel like I am finally in a space
Speaker 1: where I am aware of who I am, though I
Speaker 1: embrace the change that will come in the next few years,
Speaker 1: because you know, I don't want to be the same
Speaker 1: person in ten years that I am now. I want
Speaker 1: to know that I've grown and that I've been able
Speaker 1: to contribute more and I've been able to do more
Speaker 1: for myself and for my family. And for others. So
Speaker 1: I feel like if I'm doing that with you as
Speaker 1: my number one, my day one, the one who I'm
Speaker 1: pouring the most into um, that will only leave for
Speaker 1: an abundance that we can then give to others like
Speaker 1: we've continued to. So yeah, like that that kind of
Speaker 1: appeals in spills into my moment of truth, very simple
Speaker 1: moment of truth. Moment of truth for the vow ellis
Speaker 1: I fucking love being married? I love it. I just
Speaker 1: I just love the lifestyle choice of being married. That
Speaker 1: was number one for me is that I just wanted
Speaker 1: to be married. So being able to figure out how
Speaker 1: to be happy within my marriage is just amazing for me.
Speaker 1: I love it. It's it's been a good ten years.
Speaker 1: I'm excited for the next ten years and I'm just
Speaker 1: excited to keep you number one. Like I am. I
Speaker 1: feel good about knowing that it's important for me to
Speaker 1: to keep you as the prime focus of this family unit.
Speaker 1: Don't matter how much the kids need, how much they
Speaker 1: want where they are in life, you have to be
Speaker 1: number one. And that's my moment of truth. I love
Speaker 1: being married. It's fucking amazing, and I love my wife
Speaker 1: and you number one. Al right, I bro al right.
Speaker 1: Be sure to find us on social media at dead
Speaker 1: as the podcast absolutely and you know where to find
Speaker 1: me find out I hope, Cadeen, I am and I
Speaker 1: am devout. And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be
Speaker 1: sure to rate, review and subscribe. Baby Do It Do Its.
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