WEBVTT - 183. Disliking your friends partner 0:00:04.440 --> 0:00:09.280 Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 0:00:09.920 --> 0:00:12.280 the podcast where we talk through some of the big 0:00:12.520 --> 0:00:16.880 life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 0:00:16.960 --> 0:00:26.320 mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 0:00:26.520 --> 0:00:31.360 Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 0:00:31.400 --> 0:00:34.239 you are in the world, it is so great to 0:00:34.280 --> 0:00:38.159 have you here. Back for another episode of the Psychology 0:00:38.200 --> 0:00:41.800 of Your Twenties. We have a lot to discuss today, 0:00:41.840 --> 0:00:45.160 a lot to learn, a lot of opinions to break 0:00:45.200 --> 0:00:49.040 down and to maybe confirm maybe not. I'm really excited 0:00:49.080 --> 0:00:51.400 for it because I think that the dilemma we are 0:00:51.400 --> 0:00:54.680 discussing today is a pretty common dilemma. I think nearly 0:00:54.800 --> 0:00:57.800 every single one of us comes across it at some 0:00:57.920 --> 0:01:01.920 point in our lives in our twenties. And what we 0:01:01.960 --> 0:01:06.160 are talking about today is disliking someone that one of 0:01:06.200 --> 0:01:10.160 your friends is dating. Okay, so let me paint a 0:01:10.160 --> 0:01:14.720 picture for you. Your friend has been single for a 0:01:14.760 --> 0:01:17.360 couple of years. You know that's been really hard for her. 0:01:17.480 --> 0:01:20.760 She really is a lover girl. She is someone who 0:01:20.760 --> 0:01:24.200 loves being monogamous. She likes creating a bit of a 0:01:24.319 --> 0:01:27.120 nest and a home with the partner, and that just 0:01:27.200 --> 0:01:30.360 kind of hasn't really been part of her story recently. 0:01:30.440 --> 0:01:32.760 She's just really struggled to find someone. She's been on 0:01:32.800 --> 0:01:36.240 all the apps, putting yourself out there, and then one 0:01:36.360 --> 0:01:39.920 day she meets someone and they've been dating for a 0:01:39.920 --> 0:01:42.560 couple of months, and you finally get to meet him, 0:01:42.920 --> 0:01:47.720 and you hate him. He is not your kind of guy. 0:01:48.240 --> 0:01:54.520 He's dismissive, he's arrogant, and your friend just cannot seem 0:01:54.560 --> 0:01:57.200 to see what is going on. She is like gushing, 0:01:57.640 --> 0:02:01.880 she is super in love, and suddenly he is turning 0:02:01.960 --> 0:02:04.760 up everywhere, as is expected when one of your friends 0:02:04.800 --> 0:02:07.120 is in love with someone you know. You go to 0:02:07.160 --> 0:02:10.919 the movies together, he's there. He's at every girl's night, 0:02:11.400 --> 0:02:15.520 every group outing, and the more opportunities you have to 0:02:15.560 --> 0:02:18.640 spend time with him, the more you actually grow to 0:02:18.680 --> 0:02:23.000 dislike him. So this is the dilemma. Do you say 0:02:23.160 --> 0:02:28.960 anything or you kind of bound into silence by the 0:02:28.960 --> 0:02:31.840 invisible pact we all have with our friends. You don't 0:02:31.880 --> 0:02:34.239 have to like everything that they do, but you do 0:02:34.320 --> 0:02:38.840 have to be supportive. I think that this experience is 0:02:38.919 --> 0:02:41.720 one that all of us can relate to. We can't 0:02:41.760 --> 0:02:44.320 be friends with everybody in the world. They're not all 0:02:44.360 --> 0:02:47.720 going to be our our cup of tea, And unfortunately, 0:02:48.080 --> 0:02:50.200 one of those people we don't get along with may 0:02:50.240 --> 0:02:53.160 be destined to end up with someone that we do 0:02:53.240 --> 0:02:55.920 love and we love a lot as their partner. I 0:02:56.000 --> 0:02:59.920 think this is especially common and perhaps felt more profound 0:03:00.480 --> 0:03:05.760 in our twenties for two reasons. Firstly, this is really 0:03:05.800 --> 0:03:09.400 a period of exploration and romantic discovery for a lot 0:03:09.400 --> 0:03:12.800 of us, right you know, we are exploring what we like, 0:03:13.160 --> 0:03:16.040 our type, the kind of people we see a future with, 0:03:16.800 --> 0:03:18.600 and there might be a few duds in there. There's 0:03:18.639 --> 0:03:21.440 probably going to be a few duds. Actually, that is 0:03:21.440 --> 0:03:23.480 a big part of dating in our twenties, being open 0:03:23.520 --> 0:03:26.600 to different people, even if they are not always the 0:03:26.639 --> 0:03:30.080 one per se. So, just as you may have dated 0:03:30.120 --> 0:03:33.720 people your friends despised of trust me, I have been there, 0:03:33.760 --> 0:03:37.360 I have done that. Your friends are also going through 0:03:37.480 --> 0:03:43.040 the same kind of romantic developmental chapter, and they're going 0:03:43.080 --> 0:03:46.160 to bring people into their life and by association, your 0:03:46.200 --> 0:03:50.040 life that you're just not going to like. Additionally, when 0:03:50.080 --> 0:03:54.000 we're talking about this decade of emerging adulthood, as psychologists 0:03:54.040 --> 0:03:58.160 would call it, our most important relationships are our friends 0:03:58.800 --> 0:04:03.000 and our partners compared to in our childhood and teenage years, 0:04:03.560 --> 0:04:06.760 when our parents and our families really played a bigger role. 0:04:07.280 --> 0:04:10.480 As we kind of leave the orbit of the family home, 0:04:10.720 --> 0:04:15.720 as we're kind of seeking independence, our friends become our 0:04:15.720 --> 0:04:18.960 support network. They are our confidence, They are the people 0:04:19.000 --> 0:04:22.240 that we probably spend the most time with. So sometimes 0:04:22.240 --> 0:04:25.640 these relationships can come into conflict, right, the relationship between 0:04:25.720 --> 0:04:29.240 your friends and your partner, especially if you're super close 0:04:29.279 --> 0:04:32.920 friends and you're finding that this new boyfriend or girlfriend 0:04:33.000 --> 0:04:35.400 or person is really getting in the way of a 0:04:35.440 --> 0:04:38.640 pre established and very deep bond. You can't help but 0:04:38.760 --> 0:04:43.240 dislike the disruption of the norm and this new person 0:04:43.320 --> 0:04:46.839 because they have changed the nature of your friendship, you know. 0:04:46.960 --> 0:04:50.800 Or it's just jealousy, Maybe it's personality differences. Maybe it's 0:04:50.839 --> 0:04:55.359 because there are really serious red flags that you know 0:04:55.480 --> 0:05:00.000 your friend cannot say. What do you do in those circumstances? 0:05:00.520 --> 0:05:04.840 Is it about keeping the peace versus speaking your mind? 0:05:05.360 --> 0:05:07.640 Do you have a right to get your point across 0:05:08.320 --> 0:05:11.159 or is it just one of those instances where you 0:05:11.200 --> 0:05:13.760 just have to stay silent and you just kind of 0:05:13.800 --> 0:05:18.200 have to handle this with grace spoiler alert, it's very nuanced, 0:05:18.200 --> 0:05:20.279 but I would say the majority of the time, I 0:05:20.279 --> 0:05:22.080 think it's only right to bite your tongue, with a 0:05:22.120 --> 0:05:24.840 few exceptions that we're going to discuss. That's what we're 0:05:24.839 --> 0:05:27.080 going to be talking about, because I know this feeling. 0:05:27.200 --> 0:05:30.600 I have been both both friends in this situation, right. 0:05:30.640 --> 0:05:33.360 I've been the friend who's been dating somebody that all 0:05:33.400 --> 0:05:36.240 of my friends said they hated and disliked and I 0:05:36.279 --> 0:05:38.880 didn't want to listen. And I've also been the person 0:05:38.880 --> 0:05:41.760 who's seen my friends in relationships like that and been like, 0:05:42.200 --> 0:05:45.680 what are they thinking? They need to leave? And there 0:05:45.720 --> 0:05:48.039 is actually quite a lot of psychology to pull from 0:05:48.440 --> 0:05:53.680 to describe some of this frustration, resentment, even sadness that 0:05:53.720 --> 0:05:57.560 we feel during these times, So let us get into it. 0:05:58.360 --> 0:06:01.480 I think it's best to first identify why you don't 0:06:01.560 --> 0:06:04.200 like your friend's partner, and how I see it is 0:06:04.240 --> 0:06:08.240 that we often don't like them for one of three reasons. Firstly, 0:06:08.920 --> 0:06:11.720 you don't like them personally because they just aren't your 0:06:11.760 --> 0:06:15.400 type of person, but they are your friends type of person. 0:06:15.520 --> 0:06:21.000 There is some personality or preference clash going on. Secondly, 0:06:21.400 --> 0:06:25.000 you don't like them because this new relationship has changed 0:06:25.040 --> 0:06:28.359 the nature of your friendship, meaning that your friend is 0:06:28.400 --> 0:06:33.560 perhaps less accessible, less available. They're canceling plans to be 0:06:33.640 --> 0:06:36.479 with their partner, and this kind of leads to a 0:06:36.520 --> 0:06:40.640 resentment that is projected onto this new person when really 0:06:40.680 --> 0:06:44.480 it's just coming from a place of adjustment and what 0:06:44.560 --> 0:06:48.760 I like to call growing pains. And finally, you don't 0:06:48.839 --> 0:06:52.680 like your friend's partner because of how they treat your friend. 0:06:53.240 --> 0:06:57.120 You are beginning to notice some behaviors that are major 0:06:57.200 --> 0:07:04.719 red flags, whether that be controlled manipulation, anger, sometimes even abuse, 0:07:04.800 --> 0:07:08.479 weaponized incompetence. There's a long list of things that we're 0:07:08.480 --> 0:07:11.040 going to get to, and I think that that final 0:07:11.120 --> 0:07:15.240 class of reasons is probably the only exception to the 0:07:15.920 --> 0:07:18.960 don't say anything rule. Right when you know that this 0:07:19.040 --> 0:07:21.560 is like kind of a question of safety, I do 0:07:21.600 --> 0:07:23.880 think you have a right to speak up, and we're 0:07:23.880 --> 0:07:26.320 going to talk about that in a second. These three 0:07:26.360 --> 0:07:29.760 reasons obviously differ greatly in severity, right, like one is 0:07:29.800 --> 0:07:34.200 a matter of liking, one is a matter of insecurity, 0:07:34.720 --> 0:07:36.880 and the final one is really a matter of, like 0:07:36.920 --> 0:07:39.600 we said, safety, So we're going to talk about these 0:07:39.640 --> 0:07:43.080 three reasons separately. I think they deserve a different kind 0:07:43.120 --> 0:07:47.720 of response, of course, starting with I would say the 0:07:47.760 --> 0:07:52.280 first situation, which is definitely the majority of instances in 0:07:52.320 --> 0:07:54.680 which we don't like our friend's partner, and it really 0:07:54.720 --> 0:07:59.520 comes down to the fact that our preferences clash and 0:07:59.560 --> 0:08:02.320 theer and that they chose is not the person that 0:08:02.320 --> 0:08:05.760 we would have chosen for them based on our preferences. 0:08:05.840 --> 0:08:10.360 There is just something about them that sticks out that 0:08:10.400 --> 0:08:15.800 we can't look past. Maybe they're arrogant, they're boring, they're lazy, 0:08:15.960 --> 0:08:20.120 they're rude, they have a job that we don't agree with, 0:08:20.400 --> 0:08:23.040 and as a result, we kind of get a second 0:08:23.040 --> 0:08:28.520 hand ick. It's really so interesting to me when this happens, 0:08:29.080 --> 0:08:31.560 because how is it that we can get along so 0:08:31.840 --> 0:08:35.760 well with someone that being our friend and not their partner, 0:08:36.000 --> 0:08:38.400 Because it's kind of like two limbs or branches, like 0:08:38.440 --> 0:08:40.840 sticking out of the same tree, right, Like you would 0:08:40.840 --> 0:08:42.760 think that they would be alike, but no, that is 0:08:42.840 --> 0:08:45.360 obviously not always the case. And a lot of this 0:08:45.480 --> 0:08:50.080 does come down to things that we independently decide for ourselves, 0:08:50.160 --> 0:08:53.679 like our non negotiables, like our deal breakers, like our 0:08:53.720 --> 0:08:57.280 preferences that our friends are just not always going to 0:08:57.440 --> 0:09:00.840 share let's talk about the psychology this for a little while. 0:09:00.880 --> 0:09:03.920 So each of us has a unique profile of what 0:09:03.960 --> 0:09:07.120 we find attractive in someone, or what we would call 0:09:07.400 --> 0:09:11.720 mating preferences in psychology. So thing is mating preferences. I know, 0:09:11.800 --> 0:09:16.160 it sounds like super reductive. These preferences. They derive from 0:09:16.559 --> 0:09:20.640 a number of factors such as genetics, genetic imprinting, which 0:09:20.720 --> 0:09:24.720 essentially says that we seek out partners who resemble our parents, 0:09:25.120 --> 0:09:30.040 really strange things like pheromones and their influence on sexual attraction, 0:09:30.720 --> 0:09:34.480 attachment style, self perception, self esteem, what feels familiar and 0:09:34.520 --> 0:09:37.800 safe to us. There is a whole number of studies 0:09:37.840 --> 0:09:42.920 that looks at what it is that creates this unique profile. 0:09:43.400 --> 0:09:47.199 That last factor is especially the target of a lot 0:09:47.240 --> 0:09:51.640 of academic consideration. We are attracted to people who feel 0:09:52.120 --> 0:09:55.920 like they complement us or they're similar to ourselves, based 0:09:55.960 --> 0:10:01.560 on things like values, education level, economic status, how we 0:10:01.600 --> 0:10:08.520 were raised, even race. This may explain why we often 0:10:08.640 --> 0:10:11.480 see people date in their own league. And I know 0:10:12.000 --> 0:10:14.360 that is a really weird and reductionist phrase and a 0:10:14.360 --> 0:10:16.920 weird thing to say, but it kind of turns out 0:10:16.960 --> 0:10:20.280 to be true. It's not always about physical attraction. It's 0:10:20.320 --> 0:10:23.280 more about dating people who are aligned with you. We 0:10:23.320 --> 0:10:26.439 are more attracted to people who are like us in 0:10:26.480 --> 0:10:29.600 some domain, and we're seeing more research say that if 0:10:29.600 --> 0:10:35.080 someone meets our core requirements, we may tend to overlook 0:10:35.200 --> 0:10:38.040 or justify other things about them that may not be 0:10:38.040 --> 0:10:40.480 one hundred percent what we want. There is, of course, 0:10:40.559 --> 0:10:45.199 also the theory that opposites attract. There's obviously some I 0:10:45.240 --> 0:10:47.960 would say some evidence for that that, you know, we 0:10:48.080 --> 0:10:51.520 choose people based on our own weaknesses, based on their 0:10:51.559 --> 0:10:54.559 strengths that kind of counteract our weaknesses. Better to say 0:10:54.600 --> 0:10:57.240 it like that. So if we are insecure, we seek 0:10:57.280 --> 0:11:00.679 out a partner who is confident. If I don't know, 0:11:00.720 --> 0:11:03.079 we like the color yellow, we seek out a partner 0:11:03.080 --> 0:11:05.240 who likes the color blue, and then we have the 0:11:05.280 --> 0:11:07.920 full spectrum. You know, I don't fully think that that 0:11:08.040 --> 0:11:11.160 is true. That is a much more psychoanalytic theory and 0:11:11.240 --> 0:11:14.480 has less evidence, but I think nonetheless we've kind of 0:11:14.480 --> 0:11:18.560 been sidelined. Everything kind of combines to create this profile, right. 0:11:18.640 --> 0:11:21.760 What we find familiar creates a profile. What we find 0:11:21.800 --> 0:11:26.760 attractive based on our past creates this profile. Our education 0:11:26.920 --> 0:11:31.079 level creates this profile. Our attachment creates this profile, and 0:11:31.720 --> 0:11:33.679 this is going to be different for all of us. 0:11:33.720 --> 0:11:36.079 None of us are going to be the same. None 0:11:36.120 --> 0:11:38.000 of us are going to have the exact same background, 0:11:38.080 --> 0:11:43.160 the exact same upbringing, genetics, emotional and relationship history. Even 0:11:43.240 --> 0:11:45.520 like if you think about like your siblings, even people 0:11:45.559 --> 0:11:48.960 who are siblings end updating people who are so different. 0:11:49.160 --> 0:11:51.880 So their standards are going to differ between you and 0:11:51.920 --> 0:11:54.080 your friend, and it's frustrating. But you kind of just 0:11:54.120 --> 0:11:57.600 have to be there to watch that and be there 0:11:57.600 --> 0:12:01.280 to accept that what you might look for someone they're 0:12:01.320 --> 0:12:04.040 not looking for as well. I think the reason this 0:12:04.080 --> 0:12:07.040 can be so uncomfortable is because you really want what's 0:12:07.080 --> 0:12:11.520 best for them. This is someone you adore and cherish, 0:12:11.559 --> 0:12:15.840 you obviously think is incredible. Very few people can meet 0:12:15.880 --> 0:12:18.079 the standard that you've set for your friend in your 0:12:18.080 --> 0:12:21.920 own mind, and we want to protect them from pain. Right. 0:12:21.960 --> 0:12:26.000 It's very easy in those circumstances to think, you know, 0:12:26.280 --> 0:12:28.360 I know what is best, I know how to protect 0:12:28.400 --> 0:12:31.520 my friend. I know that this relationship isn't gonna work. 0:12:31.920 --> 0:12:33.440 They need to just listen to me, and they would 0:12:33.440 --> 0:12:36.880 avoid so much pain. I get it. You want to 0:12:36.920 --> 0:12:39.160 be their eyes whilst love is kind of buying them 0:12:39.200 --> 0:12:42.200 in a way, and whilst they're getting carried away in 0:12:42.240 --> 0:12:45.040 the honeymoon stage, you want to be their guide and 0:12:45.080 --> 0:12:48.120 you might be sitting there thinking, you know, I need 0:12:48.160 --> 0:12:52.400 to do something about this as a friend. I'm going 0:12:52.480 --> 0:12:55.680 to pause you right there. It's important to remember that 0:12:55.720 --> 0:12:59.000 this person who they are dating, who you don't like, 0:12:59.720 --> 0:13:02.600 may be part of their journey, which is shitty as 0:13:02.640 --> 0:13:07.040 it is. Just because you see the potential mistake doesn't 0:13:07.120 --> 0:13:09.120 mean that you can do the work for your friend. 0:13:10.040 --> 0:13:12.640 They let you make your mistakes, I'm sure of it, 0:13:13.120 --> 0:13:15.320 and now it's your time to repay the favor. You 0:13:15.320 --> 0:13:18.160 don't know what this person will be for them in 0:13:18.200 --> 0:13:21.559 their journey, right You don't know what kind of decisions 0:13:21.559 --> 0:13:24.640 they'll make for this person, or to stay with this 0:13:24.720 --> 0:13:27.920 person that actually might end up creating a life after 0:13:27.960 --> 0:13:30.800 this person that's amazing. You don't know what this person 0:13:31.320 --> 0:13:35.360 is leading them to, what they need to experience through 0:13:35.400 --> 0:13:39.080 this relationship. Or you see is someone you love and 0:13:39.120 --> 0:13:41.240 you want to kind of cushion the fall and make 0:13:41.280 --> 0:13:45.040 their life easier. And sometimes in those circumstances, I think 0:13:45.080 --> 0:13:47.480 you just have to bite your tongue. This is one 0:13:47.480 --> 0:13:51.120 of those examples, If they make your friend happy, if 0:13:51.160 --> 0:13:55.040 they are respectful and kind, that is an equally crucial factor. 0:13:55.760 --> 0:13:59.000 Maybe that's all we can ask for, and your dislike 0:13:59.320 --> 0:14:01.640 should not be a factor. I think, in fact, it 0:14:01.679 --> 0:14:04.880 can be rather hurtful if expressed. You know, I had 0:14:05.200 --> 0:14:08.440 a friend once say to me that an ex partner 0:14:08.480 --> 0:14:12.200 of mine was boring and annoying, and you know what, 0:14:12.280 --> 0:14:15.679 I interpreted that as whether this is correct or incorrect. 0:14:16.240 --> 0:14:19.160 I interpreted this at the time as my friend saying, 0:14:19.920 --> 0:14:22.720 you know, it's not that I don't like your partner, 0:14:22.760 --> 0:14:25.680 it's that I don't think that your preferences are good enough. 0:14:26.400 --> 0:14:29.080 I saw it as like a judgment of my standards 0:14:29.600 --> 0:14:31.840 and that they were so low that I was willing 0:14:31.840 --> 0:14:35.200 to be with this person because I was settling, essentially, 0:14:35.760 --> 0:14:38.560 And so it turned from being a criticism of this 0:14:38.720 --> 0:14:41.640 guy of my ex to being a criticism of me, 0:14:41.880 --> 0:14:44.160 and it made me in my mind at least, and 0:14:44.200 --> 0:14:48.120 it made me question the relationship but also the friendship 0:14:48.120 --> 0:14:51.080 at the same time. Was I a bad judge of character? 0:14:51.160 --> 0:14:54.040 Is this what this person thought? What else did this 0:14:54.160 --> 0:14:56.320 friend think of me? Should I just break up with 0:14:56.400 --> 0:14:59.840 this guy? Because eventually I would see what my f 0:15:00.040 --> 0:15:02.280 friends saw, and there would be this endless round of 0:15:02.880 --> 0:15:05.720 I told you, sos, I think when you criticize a 0:15:05.720 --> 0:15:10.360 person's partner out of personal dislike, you are not helping 0:15:10.400 --> 0:15:14.360 them and you are at risk of creating resentment. Especially 0:15:14.440 --> 0:15:17.600 since we are seeing more research coming out of social 0:15:17.600 --> 0:15:21.080 psychology that our friends' opinions on our dating lives do 0:15:21.200 --> 0:15:24.480 impact our decision making. So there was this study published 0:15:24.480 --> 0:15:28.360 a few years ago out of Indiana University, and what 0:15:28.480 --> 0:15:31.200 they found was that when people knew that their friends 0:15:31.240 --> 0:15:35.080 did not like their partner, this greatly influenced the actual 0:15:35.160 --> 0:15:38.680 length of the relationship. Now, that could be for two reasons. 0:15:38.720 --> 0:15:41.920 Either our friends impacted our decision and so we called 0:15:41.920 --> 0:15:44.920 it quits when we shouldn't have. Or maybe our friend 0:15:45.000 --> 0:15:48.680 recognized something before we did the relationship was doomed to fail. 0:15:49.200 --> 0:15:51.240 We just were in you know, the friend just saw 0:15:51.280 --> 0:15:56.200 it before we had the opportunity. True. I just think, regardless, 0:15:56.480 --> 0:15:59.680 don't put up the war between yourself and this person 0:15:59.720 --> 0:16:02.360 that you can care about from a place of judgment. 0:16:02.720 --> 0:16:06.320 An even larger consequence I think of you expressing your 0:16:06.360 --> 0:16:10.440 opinion and your friends disagreeing is that they will no 0:16:10.520 --> 0:16:12.560 longer want to talk to you about what's going on 0:16:12.600 --> 0:16:16.760 in their relationship. So if something seriously was to go wrong, 0:16:17.280 --> 0:16:21.720 they feel too ashamed or embarrassed or isolated to tell 0:16:21.760 --> 0:16:25.360 you anything because they don't want to deal with the embarrassment. 0:16:25.800 --> 0:16:28.240 They don't want to deal with you being like, oh, 0:16:28.440 --> 0:16:31.400 I knew all along. That's like the worst feeling that 0:16:31.440 --> 0:16:35.040 you can have. I think what's best in this situation 0:16:35.200 --> 0:16:38.600 is to really say nothing. Really kind of just have 0:16:38.640 --> 0:16:41.760 to bite your tongue, make sure that your friend is 0:16:41.840 --> 0:16:45.720 still still feels like they can rely on you to 0:16:45.720 --> 0:16:48.000 talk about it, they can rely on you to rant 0:16:48.000 --> 0:16:52.560 about it, they can ask for your advice, and they 0:16:52.560 --> 0:16:54.560 can kind of come to you in times of need 0:16:55.160 --> 0:16:58.600 without the risk that your opinion on their partner is 0:16:58.640 --> 0:17:02.320 going to influence them or maybe hurt your friendship. I 0:17:02.360 --> 0:17:06.000 know it's really difficult because you obviously care, but there 0:17:06.080 --> 0:17:09.440 is definitely a level of sensitivity required. So let's talk 0:17:09.440 --> 0:17:12.680 about this second reason. You may not like your friend's 0:17:12.760 --> 0:17:17.000 partner because you are perhaps jealous. I know, we don't 0:17:17.040 --> 0:17:19.840 like to admit it. Jealousy is an ugly word in 0:17:19.880 --> 0:17:22.959 our brains. To be called jealous is not something that 0:17:22.960 --> 0:17:26.119 we like to hear, and jealousy is also not something 0:17:26.160 --> 0:17:29.160 that we're likely going to fess up to, but sometimes 0:17:29.160 --> 0:17:31.760 we just can't help that feeling. It's like any other emotion. 0:17:32.720 --> 0:17:34.720 It sometimes feels like it's coming from a place that 0:17:34.720 --> 0:17:39.360 we don't have control over. And it's not necessarily sexual jealousy. 0:17:39.400 --> 0:17:41.960 You are not attracted to their friend, you are not 0:17:42.000 --> 0:17:45.320 attracted to their partner. It's more a form of platonic 0:17:45.400 --> 0:17:50.439 jealousy whereby you feel like this previously solid friendship and 0:17:50.640 --> 0:17:57.360 bond has been dismantled by this new relationship, whereby suddenly 0:17:57.400 --> 0:18:00.480 your friend has a new set of priorities not as 0:18:00.520 --> 0:18:03.680 high on the list as their partner is. I really 0:18:03.720 --> 0:18:06.960 get this, I really do. It's always so much more 0:18:06.960 --> 0:18:09.159 fun when you and your friends are all single together, 0:18:09.680 --> 0:18:12.080 or you're all experiencing the same things, or there is 0:18:12.119 --> 0:18:16.000 that closeness, you're always the top of each other's list, 0:18:16.800 --> 0:18:20.120 And when that gets taken away from us because of 0:18:20.359 --> 0:18:25.240 a new boyfriend and new girlfriend, we feel very instinctively, 0:18:25.840 --> 0:18:28.440 it's a natural reflux, I would say, to feel protective 0:18:29.119 --> 0:18:31.600 over the things that we value, whether that is a 0:18:31.640 --> 0:18:36.199 material possession or a relationship, because innately we are kind 0:18:36.240 --> 0:18:41.480 of greedy creatures, right, and we want people all to ourselves. 0:18:42.520 --> 0:18:44.560 I know that's kind of an ugly thing to say. 0:18:44.680 --> 0:18:46.280 That's something that I think we feel a lot of 0:18:46.320 --> 0:18:49.640 shame for, but it's just kind of the truth, right. 0:18:50.119 --> 0:18:55.120 Humans want more. We always want more. We always want 0:18:55.119 --> 0:18:59.879 what's best for us. We always want more love, more possession, 0:19:00.680 --> 0:19:05.359 more affection, And sometimes I think seeing something that we value, 0:19:05.440 --> 0:19:08.479 like our friend's affection and our friend's compassion and our 0:19:08.480 --> 0:19:12.560 friend's company get quote unquote taken away, can lead us 0:19:12.560 --> 0:19:17.679 to feel very defensive. Unfortunately, I don't think that that 0:19:17.840 --> 0:19:20.760 is something we have control over and it is not 0:19:20.880 --> 0:19:24.120 something that we can voice. There will come a time 0:19:24.359 --> 0:19:28.760 when we need to adjust and accept that other relationships 0:19:28.840 --> 0:19:32.360 may be a priority for people, especially if this new 0:19:32.359 --> 0:19:35.720 partner is someone that they're thinking about having kids with, 0:19:35.920 --> 0:19:39.320 or settling down with or getting married. That happens a 0:19:39.359 --> 0:19:42.480 lot more the further we get into our twenties. And 0:19:43.200 --> 0:19:45.119 not to be like kind of tough love about it, 0:19:45.160 --> 0:19:48.320 but you can either stay in kind of Peter Penland 0:19:48.320 --> 0:19:50.080 and be like, no, I want to be single and 0:19:50.160 --> 0:19:53.320 fun and get drunk and be all together for the 0:19:53.320 --> 0:19:56.560 rest of our lives and watch everyone else outgrow that 0:19:56.680 --> 0:19:59.960 dream and outgrow that version of reality, or you can 0:20:00.080 --> 0:20:04.000 kind of adapt and grow with them in those situations. Though, 0:20:04.040 --> 0:20:09.119 I do still feel like if you're sensing resentment coming 0:20:09.200 --> 0:20:12.160 up towards your friend, that is something you need to 0:20:12.280 --> 0:20:15.479 talk about. You don't necessarily need to say, Hey, I'm 0:20:15.560 --> 0:20:17.439 jealous of your boyfriend because he gets more of your 0:20:17.440 --> 0:20:20.600 attention and that's so unfair. You can be delicate about it. 0:20:20.640 --> 0:20:23.840 I think it's worth addressing and saying, hey, like, next 0:20:23.840 --> 0:20:25.360 time we hang out, can we just have one on 0:20:25.359 --> 0:20:27.639 one time? You know, I'm really missing you and I 0:20:27.640 --> 0:20:29.480 feel like we haven't had a chance to, like fully, 0:20:30.280 --> 0:20:32.280 you know, catch up. Ask them to hang out one 0:20:32.280 --> 0:20:36.200 on one. Be somewhat assertive that you need quality time 0:20:36.200 --> 0:20:39.239 that is just you and them, or that there are 0:20:39.280 --> 0:20:41.240 things that you don't want to share with the stranger 0:20:41.600 --> 0:20:45.719 i e. Their new boyfriend or girlfriend. I think a 0:20:45.720 --> 0:20:49.280 good friend is receptive to that, and they don't want 0:20:49.280 --> 0:20:52.840 to see you hurt or bothered or upset, so they'll 0:20:52.880 --> 0:20:55.239 listen to you. They'll notice that there is something that 0:20:55.320 --> 0:20:58.520 is on your mind. Perhaps they'll address it, or they'll 0:20:58.600 --> 0:21:02.560 probably guess it, and I'll make some change that your 0:21:02.600 --> 0:21:07.280 relationship is being not jeopardized, but is being altered and 0:21:07.400 --> 0:21:10.560 changed by their new priorities, and they have to decide 0:21:10.560 --> 0:21:13.960 whether they want to continue with that priority list or 0:21:14.520 --> 0:21:17.800 make sure that you feel cared for again. This isn't 0:21:17.840 --> 0:21:21.200 about you expressing an opinion about their partner or wanting 0:21:21.240 --> 0:21:24.840 to have some influence over their decision making when it 0:21:24.880 --> 0:21:28.040 comes to their relationship. This is just about addressing what 0:21:28.160 --> 0:21:30.480 is within your scope, which is the quality of your 0:21:30.520 --> 0:21:34.280 friendship and what you feel you need and your relationship 0:21:34.359 --> 0:21:38.240 needs in order to be sustained. I think although these 0:21:38.400 --> 0:21:41.720 examples are tough, they do require us to have a 0:21:41.720 --> 0:21:45.119 bit of sensitivity and think about what we would want 0:21:45.160 --> 0:21:48.000 to hear in these situations. We all know what it 0:21:48.040 --> 0:21:52.479 feels like to just be like totally enraptured with someone 0:21:53.119 --> 0:21:56.679 totally head over heels. We have our blinders on, we 0:21:56.760 --> 0:21:59.560 really can't see anything but them, and it is like 0:21:59.560 --> 0:22:04.280 a wonder full time. It will also at some stage pass, 0:22:04.840 --> 0:22:07.240 and you want to make sure that your relationships, your 0:22:07.280 --> 0:22:10.760 friendships are still there when it does. So I think 0:22:11.119 --> 0:22:13.560 just catching your friends attention and being like, hey, I 0:22:13.560 --> 0:22:15.240 would love to just like see you one on one 0:22:15.280 --> 0:22:16.760 I would love to talk to you one on one. 0:22:17.119 --> 0:22:20.359 Can we do something that's like quality time. That's a 0:22:20.440 --> 0:22:24.520 really important first step. I think that if they respond 0:22:24.560 --> 0:22:27.720 to that positively, great. If they don't, that's a further 0:22:27.760 --> 0:22:29.960 discussion we have to be like. Then you can kind 0:22:29.960 --> 0:22:32.679 of pull out the card of like, never say you 0:22:32.680 --> 0:22:34.600 don't like their partner, but do say like, I don't 0:22:34.640 --> 0:22:38.080 like how our relationship or our friendship has developed since 0:22:38.119 --> 0:22:40.960 you started dating this person. You know, I'm so happy 0:22:40.960 --> 0:22:43.720 for you, but I also think that what we have 0:22:43.880 --> 0:22:47.800 is important and will be around, has been around a 0:22:47.800 --> 0:22:50.760 lot longer than this other relationship. Hopefully I want it 0:22:50.800 --> 0:22:53.119 to be around for the rest of our lives, so 0:22:53.320 --> 0:22:56.359 let's keep working on it. I do think though, there 0:22:56.359 --> 0:23:00.280 are other instances in which we can see things that 0:23:00.359 --> 0:23:03.480 our friend maybe can't, and you do feel like you 0:23:03.520 --> 0:23:08.440 need to intervene, You rightfully should be saying something this 0:23:08.600 --> 0:23:11.800 does happen, and we're going to talk about all of 0:23:11.800 --> 0:23:21.760 that and more after this shortbreak. Toxic relationships in our 0:23:21.800 --> 0:23:26.160 twenties at any age really do exist, and they are 0:23:26.800 --> 0:23:30.600 a disaster to watch from the outside. They are so painful, 0:23:30.920 --> 0:23:34.840 especially when we feel powerless to do anything to help 0:23:34.880 --> 0:23:40.400 this person to change their situation. I think it's especially 0:23:40.440 --> 0:23:44.240 distressing when we see a friend falling into a situation. 0:23:44.359 --> 0:23:48.680