1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,320 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:31,360 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:34,239 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:38,159 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode of the Psychology 8 00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:41,800 Speaker 1: of Your Twenties. We have a lot to discuss today, 9 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:45,160 Speaker 1: a lot to learn, a lot of opinions to break 10 00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:49,040 Speaker 1: down and to maybe confirm maybe not. I'm really excited 11 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,400 Speaker 1: for it because I think that the dilemma we are 12 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:54,680 Speaker 1: discussing today is a pretty common dilemma. I think nearly 13 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:57,800 Speaker 1: every single one of us comes across it at some 14 00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:01,920 Speaker 1: point in our lives in our twenties. And what we 15 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:06,160 Speaker 1: are talking about today is disliking someone that one of 16 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:10,160 Speaker 1: your friends is dating. Okay, so let me paint a 17 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:14,720 Speaker 1: picture for you. Your friend has been single for a 18 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:17,360 Speaker 1: couple of years. You know that's been really hard for her. 19 00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:20,760 Speaker 1: She really is a lover girl. She is someone who 20 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:24,200 Speaker 1: loves being monogamous. She likes creating a bit of a 21 00:01:24,319 --> 00:01:27,120 Speaker 1: nest and a home with the partner, and that just 22 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:30,360 Speaker 1: kind of hasn't really been part of her story recently. 23 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:32,760 Speaker 1: She's just really struggled to find someone. She's been on 24 00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:36,240 Speaker 1: all the apps, putting yourself out there, and then one 25 00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:39,920 Speaker 1: day she meets someone and they've been dating for a 26 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:42,560 Speaker 1: couple of months, and you finally get to meet him, 27 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:47,720 Speaker 1: and you hate him. He is not your kind of guy. 28 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:54,520 Speaker 1: He's dismissive, he's arrogant, and your friend just cannot seem 29 00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:57,200 Speaker 1: to see what is going on. She is like gushing, 30 00:01:57,640 --> 00:02:01,880 Speaker 1: she is super in love, and suddenly he is turning 31 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:04,760 Speaker 1: up everywhere, as is expected when one of your friends 32 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:07,120 Speaker 1: is in love with someone you know. You go to 33 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:10,919 Speaker 1: the movies together, he's there. He's at every girl's night, 34 00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:15,520 Speaker 1: every group outing, and the more opportunities you have to 35 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:18,640 Speaker 1: spend time with him, the more you actually grow to 36 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:23,000 Speaker 1: dislike him. So this is the dilemma. Do you say 37 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:28,960 Speaker 1: anything or you kind of bound into silence by the 38 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,840 Speaker 1: invisible pact we all have with our friends. You don't 39 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:34,239 Speaker 1: have to like everything that they do, but you do 40 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:38,840 Speaker 1: have to be supportive. I think that this experience is 41 00:02:38,919 --> 00:02:41,720 Speaker 1: one that all of us can relate to. We can't 42 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:44,320 Speaker 1: be friends with everybody in the world. They're not all 43 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:47,720 Speaker 1: going to be our our cup of tea, And unfortunately, 44 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,200 Speaker 1: one of those people we don't get along with may 45 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:53,160 Speaker 1: be destined to end up with someone that we do 46 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,920 Speaker 1: love and we love a lot as their partner. I 47 00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:59,920 Speaker 1: think this is especially common and perhaps felt more profound 48 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:05,760 Speaker 1: in our twenties for two reasons. Firstly, this is really 49 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:09,400 Speaker 1: a period of exploration and romantic discovery for a lot 50 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:12,800 Speaker 1: of us, right you know, we are exploring what we like, 51 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:16,040 Speaker 1: our type, the kind of people we see a future with, 52 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:18,600 Speaker 1: and there might be a few duds in there. There's 53 00:03:18,639 --> 00:03:21,440 Speaker 1: probably going to be a few duds. Actually, that is 54 00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:23,480 Speaker 1: a big part of dating in our twenties, being open 55 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:26,600 Speaker 1: to different people, even if they are not always the 56 00:03:26,639 --> 00:03:30,080 Speaker 1: one per se. So, just as you may have dated 57 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:33,720 Speaker 1: people your friends despised of trust me, I have been there, 58 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:37,360 Speaker 1: I have done that. Your friends are also going through 59 00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:43,040 Speaker 1: the same kind of romantic developmental chapter, and they're going 60 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:46,160 Speaker 1: to bring people into their life and by association, your 61 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:50,040 Speaker 1: life that you're just not going to like. Additionally, when 62 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:54,000 Speaker 1: we're talking about this decade of emerging adulthood, as psychologists 63 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:58,160 Speaker 1: would call it, our most important relationships are our friends 64 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:03,000 Speaker 1: and our partners compared to in our childhood and teenage years, 65 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:06,760 Speaker 1: when our parents and our families really played a bigger role. 66 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:10,480 Speaker 1: As we kind of leave the orbit of the family home, 67 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:15,720 Speaker 1: as we're kind of seeking independence, our friends become our 68 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:18,960 Speaker 1: support network. They are our confidence, They are the people 69 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:22,240 Speaker 1: that we probably spend the most time with. So sometimes 70 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:25,640 Speaker 1: these relationships can come into conflict, right, the relationship between 71 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:29,240 Speaker 1: your friends and your partner, especially if you're super close 72 00:04:29,279 --> 00:04:32,920 Speaker 1: friends and you're finding that this new boyfriend or girlfriend 73 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,400 Speaker 1: or person is really getting in the way of a 74 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:38,640 Speaker 1: pre established and very deep bond. You can't help but 75 00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:43,240 Speaker 1: dislike the disruption of the norm and this new person 76 00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:46,839 Speaker 1: because they have changed the nature of your friendship, you know. 77 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:50,800 Speaker 1: Or it's just jealousy, Maybe it's personality differences. Maybe it's 78 00:04:50,839 --> 00:04:55,359 Speaker 1: because there are really serious red flags that you know 79 00:04:55,480 --> 00:05:00,000 Speaker 1: your friend cannot say. What do you do in those circumstances? 80 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:04,840 Speaker 1: Is it about keeping the peace versus speaking your mind? 81 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:07,640 Speaker 1: Do you have a right to get your point across 82 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:11,159 Speaker 1: or is it just one of those instances where you 83 00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:13,760 Speaker 1: just have to stay silent and you just kind of 84 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:18,200 Speaker 1: have to handle this with grace spoiler alert, it's very nuanced, 85 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:20,279 Speaker 1: but I would say the majority of the time, I 86 00:05:20,279 --> 00:05:22,080 Speaker 1: think it's only right to bite your tongue, with a 87 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,840 Speaker 1: few exceptions that we're going to discuss. That's what we're 88 00:05:24,839 --> 00:05:27,080 Speaker 1: going to be talking about, because I know this feeling. 89 00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:30,600 Speaker 1: I have been both both friends in this situation, right. 90 00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:33,360 Speaker 1: I've been the friend who's been dating somebody that all 91 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:36,240 Speaker 1: of my friends said they hated and disliked and I 92 00:05:36,279 --> 00:05:38,880 Speaker 1: didn't want to listen. And I've also been the person 93 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:41,760 Speaker 1: who's seen my friends in relationships like that and been like, 94 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,680 Speaker 1: what are they thinking? They need to leave? And there 95 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:48,039 Speaker 1: is actually quite a lot of psychology to pull from 96 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:53,680 Speaker 1: to describe some of this frustration, resentment, even sadness that 97 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:57,560 Speaker 1: we feel during these times, So let us get into it. 98 00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:01,480 Speaker 1: I think it's best to first identify why you don't 99 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:04,200 Speaker 1: like your friend's partner, and how I see it is 100 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:08,240 Speaker 1: that we often don't like them for one of three reasons. Firstly, 101 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,720 Speaker 1: you don't like them personally because they just aren't your 102 00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:15,400 Speaker 1: type of person, but they are your friends type of person. 103 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:21,000 Speaker 1: There is some personality or preference clash going on. Secondly, 104 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:25,000 Speaker 1: you don't like them because this new relationship has changed 105 00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:28,359 Speaker 1: the nature of your friendship, meaning that your friend is 106 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:33,560 Speaker 1: perhaps less accessible, less available. They're canceling plans to be 107 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:36,479 Speaker 1: with their partner, and this kind of leads to a 108 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:40,640 Speaker 1: resentment that is projected onto this new person when really 109 00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:44,480 Speaker 1: it's just coming from a place of adjustment and what 110 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:48,760 Speaker 1: I like to call growing pains. And finally, you don't 111 00:06:48,839 --> 00:06:52,680 Speaker 1: like your friend's partner because of how they treat your friend. 112 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:57,120 Speaker 1: You are beginning to notice some behaviors that are major 113 00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:04,719 Speaker 1: red flags, whether that be controlled manipulation, anger, sometimes even abuse, 114 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:08,479 Speaker 1: weaponized incompetence. There's a long list of things that we're 115 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:11,040 Speaker 1: going to get to, and I think that that final 116 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:15,240 Speaker 1: class of reasons is probably the only exception to the 117 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:18,960 Speaker 1: don't say anything rule. Right when you know that this 118 00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:21,560 Speaker 1: is like kind of a question of safety, I do 119 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:23,880 Speaker 1: think you have a right to speak up, and we're 120 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:26,320 Speaker 1: going to talk about that in a second. These three 121 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:29,760 Speaker 1: reasons obviously differ greatly in severity, right, like one is 122 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:34,200 Speaker 1: a matter of liking, one is a matter of insecurity, 123 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:36,880 Speaker 1: and the final one is really a matter of, like 124 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:39,600 Speaker 1: we said, safety, So we're going to talk about these 125 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:43,080 Speaker 1: three reasons separately. I think they deserve a different kind 126 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:47,720 Speaker 1: of response, of course, starting with I would say the 127 00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:52,280 Speaker 1: first situation, which is definitely the majority of instances in 128 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:54,680 Speaker 1: which we don't like our friend's partner, and it really 129 00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:59,520 Speaker 1: comes down to the fact that our preferences clash and 130 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:02,320 Speaker 1: theer and that they chose is not the person that 131 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:05,760 Speaker 1: we would have chosen for them based on our preferences. 132 00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:10,360 Speaker 1: There is just something about them that sticks out that 133 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:15,800 Speaker 1: we can't look past. Maybe they're arrogant, they're boring, they're lazy, 134 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:20,120 Speaker 1: they're rude, they have a job that we don't agree with, 135 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:23,040 Speaker 1: and as a result, we kind of get a second 136 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:28,520 Speaker 1: hand ick. It's really so interesting to me when this happens, 137 00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:31,560 Speaker 1: because how is it that we can get along so 138 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:35,760 Speaker 1: well with someone that being our friend and not their partner, 139 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,400 Speaker 1: Because it's kind of like two limbs or branches, like 140 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:40,840 Speaker 1: sticking out of the same tree, right, Like you would 141 00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:42,760 Speaker 1: think that they would be alike, but no, that is 142 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:45,360 Speaker 1: obviously not always the case. And a lot of this 143 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:50,080 Speaker 1: does come down to things that we independently decide for ourselves, 144 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:53,679 Speaker 1: like our non negotiables, like our deal breakers, like our 145 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:57,280 Speaker 1: preferences that our friends are just not always going to 146 00:08:57,440 --> 00:09:00,840 Speaker 1: share let's talk about the psychology this for a little while. 147 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:03,920 Speaker 1: So each of us has a unique profile of what 148 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:07,120 Speaker 1: we find attractive in someone, or what we would call 149 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:11,720 Speaker 1: mating preferences in psychology. So thing is mating preferences. I know, 150 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:16,160 Speaker 1: it sounds like super reductive. These preferences. They derive from 151 00:09:16,559 --> 00:09:20,640 Speaker 1: a number of factors such as genetics, genetic imprinting, which 152 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:24,720 Speaker 1: essentially says that we seek out partners who resemble our parents, 153 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:30,040 Speaker 1: really strange things like pheromones and their influence on sexual attraction, 154 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:34,480 Speaker 1: attachment style, self perception, self esteem, what feels familiar and 155 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:37,800 Speaker 1: safe to us. There is a whole number of studies 156 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:42,920 Speaker 1: that looks at what it is that creates this unique profile. 157 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:47,199 Speaker 1: That last factor is especially the target of a lot 158 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:51,640 Speaker 1: of academic consideration. We are attracted to people who feel 159 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:55,920 Speaker 1: like they complement us or they're similar to ourselves, based 160 00:09:55,960 --> 00:10:01,560 Speaker 1: on things like values, education level, economic status, how we 161 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:08,520 Speaker 1: were raised, even race. This may explain why we often 162 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:11,480 Speaker 1: see people date in their own league. And I know 163 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,360 Speaker 1: that is a really weird and reductionist phrase and a 164 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:16,920 Speaker 1: weird thing to say, but it kind of turns out 165 00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:20,280 Speaker 1: to be true. It's not always about physical attraction. It's 166 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:23,280 Speaker 1: more about dating people who are aligned with you. We 167 00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:26,439 Speaker 1: are more attracted to people who are like us in 168 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:29,600 Speaker 1: some domain, and we're seeing more research say that if 169 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:35,080 Speaker 1: someone meets our core requirements, we may tend to overlook 170 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,040 Speaker 1: or justify other things about them that may not be 171 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:40,480 Speaker 1: one hundred percent what we want. There is, of course, 172 00:10:40,559 --> 00:10:45,199 Speaker 1: also the theory that opposites attract. There's obviously some I 173 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:47,960 Speaker 1: would say some evidence for that that, you know, we 174 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:51,520 Speaker 1: choose people based on our own weaknesses, based on their 175 00:10:51,559 --> 00:10:54,559 Speaker 1: strengths that kind of counteract our weaknesses. Better to say 176 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,240 Speaker 1: it like that. So if we are insecure, we seek 177 00:10:57,280 --> 00:11:00,679 Speaker 1: out a partner who is confident. If I don't know, 178 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:03,079 Speaker 1: we like the color yellow, we seek out a partner 179 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,240 Speaker 1: who likes the color blue, and then we have the 180 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:07,920 Speaker 1: full spectrum. You know, I don't fully think that that 181 00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:11,160 Speaker 1: is true. That is a much more psychoanalytic theory and 182 00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:14,480 Speaker 1: has less evidence, but I think nonetheless we've kind of 183 00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:18,560 Speaker 1: been sidelined. Everything kind of combines to create this profile, right. 184 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:21,760 Speaker 1: What we find familiar creates a profile. What we find 185 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:26,760 Speaker 1: attractive based on our past creates this profile. Our education 186 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:31,079 Speaker 1: level creates this profile. Our attachment creates this profile, and 187 00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:33,679 Speaker 1: this is going to be different for all of us. 188 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:36,079 Speaker 1: None of us are going to be the same. None 189 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:38,000 Speaker 1: of us are going to have the exact same background, 190 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:43,160 Speaker 1: the exact same upbringing, genetics, emotional and relationship history. Even 191 00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:45,520 Speaker 1: like if you think about like your siblings, even people 192 00:11:45,559 --> 00:11:48,960 Speaker 1: who are siblings end updating people who are so different. 193 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,880 Speaker 1: So their standards are going to differ between you and 194 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:54,080 Speaker 1: your friend, and it's frustrating. But you kind of just 195 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:57,600 Speaker 1: have to be there to watch that and be there 196 00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:01,280 Speaker 1: to accept that what you might look for someone they're 197 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:04,040 Speaker 1: not looking for as well. I think the reason this 198 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:07,040 Speaker 1: can be so uncomfortable is because you really want what's 199 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:11,520 Speaker 1: best for them. This is someone you adore and cherish, 200 00:12:11,559 --> 00:12:15,840 Speaker 1: you obviously think is incredible. Very few people can meet 201 00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:18,079 Speaker 1: the standard that you've set for your friend in your 202 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:21,920 Speaker 1: own mind, and we want to protect them from pain. Right. 203 00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:26,000 Speaker 1: It's very easy in those circumstances to think, you know, 204 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,360 Speaker 1: I know what is best, I know how to protect 205 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:31,520 Speaker 1: my friend. I know that this relationship isn't gonna work. 206 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:33,440 Speaker 1: They need to just listen to me, and they would 207 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:36,880 Speaker 1: avoid so much pain. I get it. You want to 208 00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:39,160 Speaker 1: be their eyes whilst love is kind of buying them 209 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:42,200 Speaker 1: in a way, and whilst they're getting carried away in 210 00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:45,040 Speaker 1: the honeymoon stage, you want to be their guide and 211 00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:48,120 Speaker 1: you might be sitting there thinking, you know, I need 212 00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:52,400 Speaker 1: to do something about this as a friend. I'm going 213 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,680 Speaker 1: to pause you right there. It's important to remember that 214 00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:59,000 Speaker 1: this person who they are dating, who you don't like, 215 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:02,600 Speaker 1: may be part of their journey, which is shitty as 216 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:07,040 Speaker 1: it is. Just because you see the potential mistake doesn't 217 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,120 Speaker 1: mean that you can do the work for your friend. 218 00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:12,640 Speaker 1: They let you make your mistakes, I'm sure of it, 219 00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:15,320 Speaker 1: and now it's your time to repay the favor. You 220 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:18,160 Speaker 1: don't know what this person will be for them in 221 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:21,559 Speaker 1: their journey, right You don't know what kind of decisions 222 00:13:21,559 --> 00:13:24,640 Speaker 1: they'll make for this person, or to stay with this 223 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,920 Speaker 1: person that actually might end up creating a life after 224 00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,800 Speaker 1: this person that's amazing. You don't know what this person 225 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:35,360 Speaker 1: is leading them to, what they need to experience through 226 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:39,080 Speaker 1: this relationship. Or you see is someone you love and 227 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:41,240 Speaker 1: you want to kind of cushion the fall and make 228 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:45,040 Speaker 1: their life easier. And sometimes in those circumstances, I think 229 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:47,480 Speaker 1: you just have to bite your tongue. This is one 230 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:51,120 Speaker 1: of those examples, If they make your friend happy, if 231 00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:55,040 Speaker 1: they are respectful and kind, that is an equally crucial factor. 232 00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:59,000 Speaker 1: Maybe that's all we can ask for, and your dislike 233 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:01,640 Speaker 1: should not be a factor. I think, in fact, it 234 00:14:01,679 --> 00:14:04,880 Speaker 1: can be rather hurtful if expressed. You know, I had 235 00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:08,440 Speaker 1: a friend once say to me that an ex partner 236 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:12,200 Speaker 1: of mine was boring and annoying, and you know what, 237 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:15,679 Speaker 1: I interpreted that as whether this is correct or incorrect. 238 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:19,160 Speaker 1: I interpreted this at the time as my friend saying, 239 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,720 Speaker 1: you know, it's not that I don't like your partner, 240 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:25,680 Speaker 1: it's that I don't think that your preferences are good enough. 241 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,080 Speaker 1: I saw it as like a judgment of my standards 242 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:31,840 Speaker 1: and that they were so low that I was willing 243 00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:35,200 Speaker 1: to be with this person because I was settling, essentially, 244 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:38,560 Speaker 1: And so it turned from being a criticism of this 245 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:41,640 Speaker 1: guy of my ex to being a criticism of me, 246 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:44,160 Speaker 1: and it made me in my mind at least, and 247 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:48,120 Speaker 1: it made me question the relationship but also the friendship 248 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:51,080 Speaker 1: at the same time. Was I a bad judge of character? 249 00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:54,040 Speaker 1: Is this what this person thought? What else did this 250 00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,320 Speaker 1: friend think of me? Should I just break up with 251 00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:59,840 Speaker 1: this guy? Because eventually I would see what my f 252 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,280 Speaker 1: friends saw, and there would be this endless round of 253 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:05,720 Speaker 1: I told you, sos, I think when you criticize a 254 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:10,360 Speaker 1: person's partner out of personal dislike, you are not helping 255 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:14,360 Speaker 1: them and you are at risk of creating resentment. Especially 256 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:17,600 Speaker 1: since we are seeing more research coming out of social 257 00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:21,080 Speaker 1: psychology that our friends' opinions on our dating lives do 258 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:24,480 Speaker 1: impact our decision making. So there was this study published 259 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:28,360 Speaker 1: a few years ago out of Indiana University, and what 260 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:31,200 Speaker 1: they found was that when people knew that their friends 261 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:35,080 Speaker 1: did not like their partner, this greatly influenced the actual 262 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:38,680 Speaker 1: length of the relationship. Now, that could be for two reasons. 263 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:41,920 Speaker 1: Either our friends impacted our decision and so we called 264 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:44,920 Speaker 1: it quits when we shouldn't have. Or maybe our friend 265 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:48,680 Speaker 1: recognized something before we did the relationship was doomed to fail. 266 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,240 Speaker 1: We just were in you know, the friend just saw 267 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:56,200 Speaker 1: it before we had the opportunity. True. I just think, regardless, 268 00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:59,680 Speaker 1: don't put up the war between yourself and this person 269 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:02,360 Speaker 1: that you can care about from a place of judgment. 270 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:06,320 Speaker 1: An even larger consequence I think of you expressing your 271 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:10,440 Speaker 1: opinion and your friends disagreeing is that they will no 272 00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:12,560 Speaker 1: longer want to talk to you about what's going on 273 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:16,760 Speaker 1: in their relationship. So if something seriously was to go wrong, 274 00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:21,720 Speaker 1: they feel too ashamed or embarrassed or isolated to tell 275 00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:25,360 Speaker 1: you anything because they don't want to deal with the embarrassment. 276 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:28,240 Speaker 1: They don't want to deal with you being like, oh, 277 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:31,400 Speaker 1: I knew all along. That's like the worst feeling that 278 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:35,040 Speaker 1: you can have. I think what's best in this situation 279 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:38,600 Speaker 1: is to really say nothing. Really kind of just have 280 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:41,760 Speaker 1: to bite your tongue, make sure that your friend is 281 00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:45,720 Speaker 1: still still feels like they can rely on you to 282 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:48,000 Speaker 1: talk about it, they can rely on you to rant 283 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:52,560 Speaker 1: about it, they can ask for your advice, and they 284 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:54,560 Speaker 1: can kind of come to you in times of need 285 00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:58,600 Speaker 1: without the risk that your opinion on their partner is 286 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:02,320 Speaker 1: going to influence them or maybe hurt your friendship. I 287 00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:06,000 Speaker 1: know it's really difficult because you obviously care, but there 288 00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:09,440 Speaker 1: is definitely a level of sensitivity required. So let's talk 289 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:12,680 Speaker 1: about this second reason. You may not like your friend's 290 00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:17,000 Speaker 1: partner because you are perhaps jealous. I know, we don't 291 00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:19,840 Speaker 1: like to admit it. Jealousy is an ugly word in 292 00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:22,959 Speaker 1: our brains. To be called jealous is not something that 293 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:26,119 Speaker 1: we like to hear, and jealousy is also not something 294 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:29,160 Speaker 1: that we're likely going to fess up to, but sometimes 295 00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:31,760 Speaker 1: we just can't help that feeling. It's like any other emotion. 296 00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:34,720 Speaker 1: It sometimes feels like it's coming from a place that 297 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:39,360 Speaker 1: we don't have control over. And it's not necessarily sexual jealousy. 298 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:41,960 Speaker 1: You are not attracted to their friend, you are not 299 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:45,320 Speaker 1: attracted to their partner. It's more a form of platonic 300 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:50,439 Speaker 1: jealousy whereby you feel like this previously solid friendship and 301 00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:57,360 Speaker 1: bond has been dismantled by this new relationship, whereby suddenly 302 00:17:57,400 --> 00:18:00,480 Speaker 1: your friend has a new set of priorities not as 303 00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:03,680 Speaker 1: high on the list as their partner is. I really 304 00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:06,960 Speaker 1: get this, I really do. It's always so much more 305 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:09,159 Speaker 1: fun when you and your friends are all single together, 306 00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:12,080 Speaker 1: or you're all experiencing the same things, or there is 307 00:18:12,119 --> 00:18:16,000 Speaker 1: that closeness, you're always the top of each other's list, 308 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:20,120 Speaker 1: And when that gets taken away from us because of 309 00:18:20,359 --> 00:18:25,240 Speaker 1: a new boyfriend and new girlfriend, we feel very instinctively, 310 00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:28,440 Speaker 1: it's a natural reflux, I would say, to feel protective 311 00:18:29,119 --> 00:18:31,600 Speaker 1: over the things that we value, whether that is a 312 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:36,199 Speaker 1: material possession or a relationship, because innately we are kind 313 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:41,480 Speaker 1: of greedy creatures, right, and we want people all to ourselves. 314 00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:44,560 Speaker 1: I know that's kind of an ugly thing to say. 315 00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,280 Speaker 1: That's something that I think we feel a lot of 316 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:49,640 Speaker 1: shame for, but it's just kind of the truth, right. 317 00:18:50,119 --> 00:18:55,120 Speaker 1: Humans want more. We always want more. We always want 318 00:18:55,119 --> 00:18:59,879 Speaker 1: what's best for us. We always want more love, more possession, 319 00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:05,359 Speaker 1: more affection, And sometimes I think seeing something that we value, 320 00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:08,479 Speaker 1: like our friend's affection and our friend's compassion and our 321 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:12,560 Speaker 1: friend's company get quote unquote taken away, can lead us 322 00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:17,679 Speaker 1: to feel very defensive. Unfortunately, I don't think that that 323 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:20,760 Speaker 1: is something we have control over and it is not 324 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:24,120 Speaker 1: something that we can voice. There will come a time 325 00:19:24,359 --> 00:19:28,760 Speaker 1: when we need to adjust and accept that other relationships 326 00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:32,360 Speaker 1: may be a priority for people, especially if this new 327 00:19:32,359 --> 00:19:35,720 Speaker 1: partner is someone that they're thinking about having kids with, 328 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:39,320 Speaker 1: or settling down with or getting married. That happens a 329 00:19:39,359 --> 00:19:42,480 Speaker 1: lot more the further we get into our twenties. And 330 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,119 Speaker 1: not to be like kind of tough love about it, 331 00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:48,320 Speaker 1: but you can either stay in kind of Peter Penland 332 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:50,080 Speaker 1: and be like, no, I want to be single and 333 00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:53,320 Speaker 1: fun and get drunk and be all together for the 334 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:56,560 Speaker 1: rest of our lives and watch everyone else outgrow that 335 00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:59,960 Speaker 1: dream and outgrow that version of reality, or you can 336 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:04,000 Speaker 1: kind of adapt and grow with them in those situations. Though, 337 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:09,119 Speaker 1: I do still feel like if you're sensing resentment coming 338 00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:12,160 Speaker 1: up towards your friend, that is something you need to 339 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:15,479 Speaker 1: talk about. You don't necessarily need to say, Hey, I'm 340 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:17,439 Speaker 1: jealous of your boyfriend because he gets more of your 341 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:20,600 Speaker 1: attention and that's so unfair. You can be delicate about it. 342 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:23,840 Speaker 1: I think it's worth addressing and saying, hey, like, next 343 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,360 Speaker 1: time we hang out, can we just have one on 344 00:20:25,359 --> 00:20:27,639 Speaker 1: one time? You know, I'm really missing you and I 345 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,480 Speaker 1: feel like we haven't had a chance to, like fully, 346 00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:32,280 Speaker 1: you know, catch up. Ask them to hang out one 347 00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:36,200 Speaker 1: on one. Be somewhat assertive that you need quality time 348 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:39,239 Speaker 1: that is just you and them, or that there are 349 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,240 Speaker 1: things that you don't want to share with the stranger 350 00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:45,719 Speaker 1: i e. Their new boyfriend or girlfriend. I think a 351 00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:49,280 Speaker 1: good friend is receptive to that, and they don't want 352 00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:52,840 Speaker 1: to see you hurt or bothered or upset, so they'll 353 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,239 Speaker 1: listen to you. They'll notice that there is something that 354 00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:58,520 Speaker 1: is on your mind. Perhaps they'll address it, or they'll 355 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:02,560 Speaker 1: probably guess it, and I'll make some change that your 356 00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:07,280 Speaker 1: relationship is being not jeopardized, but is being altered and 357 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,560 Speaker 1: changed by their new priorities, and they have to decide 358 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:13,960 Speaker 1: whether they want to continue with that priority list or 359 00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:17,800 Speaker 1: make sure that you feel cared for again. This isn't 360 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:21,200 Speaker 1: about you expressing an opinion about their partner or wanting 361 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:24,840 Speaker 1: to have some influence over their decision making when it 362 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:28,040 Speaker 1: comes to their relationship. This is just about addressing what 363 00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,480 Speaker 1: is within your scope, which is the quality of your 364 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:34,280 Speaker 1: friendship and what you feel you need and your relationship 365 00:21:34,359 --> 00:21:38,240 Speaker 1: needs in order to be sustained. I think although these 366 00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:41,720 Speaker 1: examples are tough, they do require us to have a 367 00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:45,119 Speaker 1: bit of sensitivity and think about what we would want 368 00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:48,000 Speaker 1: to hear in these situations. We all know what it 369 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:52,479 Speaker 1: feels like to just be like totally enraptured with someone 370 00:21:53,119 --> 00:21:56,679 Speaker 1: totally head over heels. We have our blinders on, we 371 00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:59,560 Speaker 1: really can't see anything but them, and it is like 372 00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:04,280 Speaker 1: a wonder full time. It will also at some stage pass, 373 00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:07,240 Speaker 1: and you want to make sure that your relationships, your 374 00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:10,760 Speaker 1: friendships are still there when it does. So I think 375 00:22:11,119 --> 00:22:13,560 Speaker 1: just catching your friends attention and being like, hey, I 376 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:15,240 Speaker 1: would love to just like see you one on one 377 00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:16,760 Speaker 1: I would love to talk to you one on one. 378 00:22:17,119 --> 00:22:20,359 Speaker 1: Can we do something that's like quality time. That's a 379 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:24,520 Speaker 1: really important first step. I think that if they respond 380 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:27,720 Speaker 1: to that positively, great. If they don't, that's a further 381 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:29,960 Speaker 1: discussion we have to be like. Then you can kind 382 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,679 Speaker 1: of pull out the card of like, never say you 383 00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:34,600 Speaker 1: don't like their partner, but do say like, I don't 384 00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:38,080 Speaker 1: like how our relationship or our friendship has developed since 385 00:22:38,119 --> 00:22:40,960 Speaker 1: you started dating this person. You know, I'm so happy 386 00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:43,720 Speaker 1: for you, but I also think that what we have 387 00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:47,800 Speaker 1: is important and will be around, has been around a 388 00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:50,760 Speaker 1: lot longer than this other relationship. Hopefully I want it 389 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:53,119 Speaker 1: to be around for the rest of our lives, so 390 00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:56,359 Speaker 1: let's keep working on it. I do think though, there 391 00:22:56,359 --> 00:23:00,280 Speaker 1: are other instances in which we can see things that 392 00:23:00,359 --> 00:23:03,480 Speaker 1: our friend maybe can't, and you do feel like you 393 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:08,440 Speaker 1: need to intervene, You rightfully should be saying something this 394 00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:11,800 Speaker 1: does happen, and we're going to talk about all of 395 00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:21,760 Speaker 1: that and more after this shortbreak. Toxic relationships in our 396 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:26,160 Speaker 1: twenties at any age really do exist, and they are 397 00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:30,600 Speaker 1: a disaster to watch from the outside. They are so painful, 398 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:34,840 Speaker 1: especially when we feel powerless to do anything to help 399 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:40,400 Speaker 1: this person to change their situation. I think it's especially 400 00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:44,240 Speaker 1: distressing when we see a friend falling into a situation. 401 00:23:44,359 --> 00:23:48,680 Speaker 1: We know it's not good for them and we really 402 00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:53,960 Speaker 1: cannot intervene, and when we do attempt to intervene, it 403 00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:57,080 Speaker 1: only serves to jeopardize the connection that we have with 404 00:23:57,160 --> 00:24:00,800 Speaker 1: that person and our relationship with them as a friend. 405 00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:02,560 Speaker 1: I think we kind of take on the role of 406 00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:06,600 Speaker 1: guardian angel in a lot of circumstances. We are the 407 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:09,600 Speaker 1: ones who defend our friends when they can't. We are 408 00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:12,320 Speaker 1: there for them when they need us most. We will 409 00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:15,680 Speaker 1: be honest with them about what matters and supportive about 410 00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:18,679 Speaker 1: the things that you might look small to us. And 411 00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:23,520 Speaker 1: whilst I have readily been recommending a silence as the 412 00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:27,760 Speaker 1: best policy for situations where you don't like your friend's partner, 413 00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:31,440 Speaker 1: I think that there are a series of scenarios where 414 00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:36,160 Speaker 1: you have a duty to speak up and speak up quickly. 415 00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:39,480 Speaker 1: Here are some examples of this. I think if your 416 00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:43,119 Speaker 1: friend is dating someone who is overly controlling and tries 417 00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:45,920 Speaker 1: to limit their contact with you or other important people 418 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:51,120 Speaker 1: in their life, if they are dating someone who is physically, emotionally, mentally, 419 00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:55,160 Speaker 1: verbally abusive, somebody who is enabling them and causing them 420 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:59,680 Speaker 1: to make decisions that you know are dangerous. Someone who 421 00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:03,600 Speaker 1: has lied to them about something, especially something important, and 422 00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:05,840 Speaker 1: you know the truth, right, So if they are cheating 423 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:08,800 Speaker 1: on your friend or lying about something in their past 424 00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:12,960 Speaker 1: and you know otherwise, I think that you really have 425 00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:16,760 Speaker 1: a responsibility to say something. If this person is manipulating 426 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:20,359 Speaker 1: them financially, if they are displaying signs of extreme jealousy 427 00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:24,280 Speaker 1: or possessiveness. I think essentially, any kind of behaviors that 428 00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:28,920 Speaker 1: are coercive, abusive, manipulative, or exploitative, you have a duty 429 00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:32,760 Speaker 1: to intervene, even if just from like a wellness check perspective, 430 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:36,959 Speaker 1: making sure they are okay. That is the bare minimum. 431 00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:38,960 Speaker 1: There is certainly so much more that you can do, 432 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:41,680 Speaker 1: and I want to talk you through this, but before then, 433 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:45,120 Speaker 1: a quick caveat that there is so much advice to give, 434 00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:47,480 Speaker 1: not all of it is going to match your situation. 435 00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:50,840 Speaker 1: And there are so many other online resources for this, 436 00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:54,720 Speaker 1: and trusted individuals like a psychologist or a counselor, or 437 00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:57,560 Speaker 1: even a doctor or someone in law enforcement that you 438 00:25:57,600 --> 00:26:01,480 Speaker 1: should reach out to for more specialized, individualized help. I 439 00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:04,000 Speaker 1: know that a lot of us know that, but sometimes 440 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:05,959 Speaker 1: I just want to make sure that you know, if 441 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:09,159 Speaker 1: it is a really serious situation, you know where to 442 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:11,080 Speaker 1: go and you know that there are people out there 443 00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:14,600 Speaker 1: to help you. But whilst you are trying to help 444 00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:17,120 Speaker 1: your friend, there are some things that you can do. 445 00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:22,000 Speaker 1: I think firstly, create a space for open communication. You're 446 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:25,320 Speaker 1: not going to know or learn anything. Your friend is 447 00:26:25,359 --> 00:26:28,840 Speaker 1: not going to address anything unless they feel like there 448 00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:32,439 Speaker 1: is a space for them to talk and talk safely 449 00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:35,640 Speaker 1: about it. So I would say be patient, invite them 450 00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:38,760 Speaker 1: over to your place, keep the conversation light to begin with. 451 00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:42,639 Speaker 1: Ask them about their life, Ask them about how everything's going, 452 00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:45,960 Speaker 1: so it doesn't feel like an interrogation. They don't constantly 453 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:49,960 Speaker 1: feel like you want information about their relationship and you're 454 00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:54,199 Speaker 1: trying to get them to leave. Ask them questions that 455 00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:58,440 Speaker 1: get them to reach the conclusion you've already reached on 456 00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:01,480 Speaker 1: their own, because that will be more meaningful and effective 457 00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:06,320 Speaker 1: if they recognize it themselves, rather than having you tell 458 00:27:06,359 --> 00:27:09,680 Speaker 1: them and feeling judged about it and feeling like they're 459 00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:12,840 Speaker 1: getting all this information and they're not quite sure it's 460 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:15,639 Speaker 1: correct because they haven't reached the same point in the 461 00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:19,840 Speaker 1: same conclusion as you have. You know, if your friend 462 00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:24,119 Speaker 1: hasn't asked for help, you can't really expect to go 463 00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:27,960 Speaker 1: into this conversation and just speak your mind unfiltered, right, 464 00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:29,880 Speaker 1: because they're going to be like, wait, what the heck, 465 00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:32,640 Speaker 1: where is this coming from? Like my relationship is fine, 466 00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:36,560 Speaker 1: my relationship is perfect. You know, there's a difference between 467 00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:41,800 Speaker 1: wanting to help and passing judgment and statements like he 468 00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:45,640 Speaker 1: treats you so badly or you just have to leave him. 469 00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:48,480 Speaker 1: That is not going to help them articulate how they 470 00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:52,000 Speaker 1: feel and therefore get to that same point that you have. 471 00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:55,720 Speaker 1: So when I'm talking about these questions that help them 472 00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:59,639 Speaker 1: reach their own conclusion, this includes things like do you 473 00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:02,960 Speaker 1: think that that's normal how they're acting, or how do 474 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:04,840 Speaker 1: you feel about that? How do you feel about it 475 00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:08,359 Speaker 1: when she does that? When he acts that way? Is 476 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:10,560 Speaker 1: that what you wanted in a relationship? Is that what 477 00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:14,399 Speaker 1: you like in a relationship. All of these questions seem 478 00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:18,240 Speaker 1: innocent enough, but I think if the person is unhappy 479 00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:23,240 Speaker 1: and experiencing a difficult situation, it will reveal a lot, 480 00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:27,840 Speaker 1: and it also keeps the focus on them and their feelings, 481 00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:31,080 Speaker 1: not on your dislike for their partner, which I think 482 00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:32,600 Speaker 1: can kind of make it seem like, oh, well, you know, 483 00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:35,359 Speaker 1: they're only talking about this with me because they hate 484 00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:37,800 Speaker 1: my boyfriend and they just want them gone. That's not 485 00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:40,720 Speaker 1: what you're trying to do, right You're trying to get 486 00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:44,680 Speaker 1: them to open up, and if they are opening up, 487 00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:48,160 Speaker 1: if they do, don't judge them, Like I said before, 488 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:50,800 Speaker 1: statements like how could you not say this? How did 489 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:53,240 Speaker 1: it get this bad? What do you think was gonna happen? 490 00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:54,680 Speaker 1: You need to break up with him. I've known this 491 00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:58,000 Speaker 1: since the beginning. Dump him that, first of all, is 492 00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:00,960 Speaker 1: like a very shallow way of saying things that doesn't 493 00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:04,000 Speaker 1: take in the complexity of the situation. But it also 494 00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:06,240 Speaker 1: puts you on opposing teams when you want to be 495 00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:09,280 Speaker 1: in the same corner and you want them to see 496 00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:12,120 Speaker 1: you as an ally, not as someone they need to 497 00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:17,600 Speaker 1: justify their choices to alongside that, I also think don't 498 00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:23,240 Speaker 1: try and force their hand by creating ultimatums or forcing 499 00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:25,280 Speaker 1: them to really like have to come up with a 500 00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:28,560 Speaker 1: plan straight away, Like I think that sense of urgency, 501 00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:29,800 Speaker 1: I like, what are you going to do about it? 502 00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:31,280 Speaker 1: You have to break up with them right now. This 503 00:29:31,400 --> 00:29:34,120 Speaker 1: is terrible this is a disaster. I know that you're 504 00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:36,600 Speaker 1: trying to do the right thing. I know that that's 505 00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:39,880 Speaker 1: where you have the best intentions in mind to help 506 00:29:40,040 --> 00:29:42,480 Speaker 1: guide them out of what you see as a terrible situation. 507 00:29:43,160 --> 00:29:45,480 Speaker 1: But I think that sense of urgency is going to 508 00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:50,560 Speaker 1: set off so much panic an alarm that if it 509 00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:53,520 Speaker 1: was me, would probably result in a complete mental and 510 00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:58,480 Speaker 1: emotional shutdown. They may have just realized that something was wrong. 511 00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:01,440 Speaker 1: They may have just realized that what this behavior, this 512 00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:04,600 Speaker 1: behavior they're experiencing, is not right. They're going to need 513 00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:07,800 Speaker 1: some time to adjust because they probably do love this person. 514 00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:12,600 Speaker 1: You cannot go from loving someone to hating them in 515 00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:15,200 Speaker 1: an instant just because your friend has said something right like, 516 00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:20,000 Speaker 1: it's a lot, It's a much more complicated journey than that. 517 00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:22,960 Speaker 1: It could be take months. It could mean that they 518 00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:26,200 Speaker 1: just need some more evidence to understand what is going on. 519 00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:29,640 Speaker 1: And I think that that urgency created by forcing them 520 00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:33,040 Speaker 1: to make a decision can create a lot of cognitive dissonance. 521 00:30:33,720 --> 00:30:37,400 Speaker 1: They obviously value your opinion, they know how they want 522 00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:40,040 Speaker 1: to be treated, but they also know that they love 523 00:30:40,120 --> 00:30:43,600 Speaker 1: this person and they believe that this person loves them back. 524 00:30:44,400 --> 00:30:48,040 Speaker 1: So it's hard to square all of those different and 525 00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:53,040 Speaker 1: contradictory beliefs into one small space. Right, It's hard to 526 00:30:53,080 --> 00:30:56,400 Speaker 1: believe all those things at once. They're going to experience 527 00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:59,840 Speaker 1: some mental discomfort while they work through that, and they 528 00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:03,600 Speaker 1: want we want them to choose the two former beliefs 529 00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:06,280 Speaker 1: that your opinion is valuable and that they know how 530 00:31:06,280 --> 00:31:08,480 Speaker 1: they want to be treated. We don't want them to 531 00:31:08,560 --> 00:31:10,720 Speaker 1: choose the two former beliefs of like, oh sorry, the 532 00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:15,120 Speaker 1: two latter beliefs ladder former last beliefs of like, oh, 533 00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:17,520 Speaker 1: this person loves me and this is normal. Also, I 534 00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:21,640 Speaker 1: think it's important in these situations to have empathy for 535 00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:25,400 Speaker 1: why people may accept what you don't think they deserve. 536 00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:29,240 Speaker 1: It's really crucial to be aware of what keeps people 537 00:31:29,280 --> 00:31:34,120 Speaker 1: in bad relationships. It's very easy for us to, you know, 538 00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:37,760 Speaker 1: say that that's bad and say that they shouldn't tolerate that, 539 00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:40,520 Speaker 1: and that's that. You know, there it is. The logic 540 00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:45,880 Speaker 1: is sound. But you're not the one experiencing the attachment. 541 00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:49,560 Speaker 1: You are not the ones still reflecting on the good memories. 542 00:31:49,760 --> 00:31:53,440 Speaker 1: You're not the one who sees this person's potential and 543 00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:58,120 Speaker 1: has imagined a future. You're an outside party and We 544 00:31:58,160 --> 00:32:01,000 Speaker 1: all know the feeling of giving someone advice we know 545 00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:05,240 Speaker 1: we could never take, or knowing that something is easier 546 00:32:05,280 --> 00:32:09,360 Speaker 1: said than done. People stay for a lot of reasons. 547 00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:13,960 Speaker 1: They're scared of the unknown. This situation may not be great, 548 00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:16,200 Speaker 1: but at least it's the devil that we know. We're 549 00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:19,000 Speaker 1: fearful of what it could mean to be alone. There 550 00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:23,000 Speaker 1: is so much uncertainty to a life without this other person, 551 00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:27,040 Speaker 1: without the comfort of a partner. And although it is 552 00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:31,200 Speaker 1: maybe a toxic relationship, a negative relationship, at least it 553 00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:35,240 Speaker 1: feels comfortable and familiar, and leaving feels really scary. It 554 00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:37,720 Speaker 1: may also come down to poor self esteem. They might 555 00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:41,000 Speaker 1: not think that they can do better. We all have 556 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:43,840 Speaker 1: our own sense of self worth and our self concept. 557 00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:47,120 Speaker 1: And although you may be looking at your friend being like, literally, 558 00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:52,040 Speaker 1: you are the most beautiful, magnetic, intelligent, wonderful human to exist, 559 00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:55,440 Speaker 1: they may not share that belief or see it from 560 00:32:55,480 --> 00:32:59,600 Speaker 1: your outside perspective. I think also sometimes we are blind 561 00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:02,360 Speaker 1: to the problems in our relationship because we need to 562 00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:05,800 Speaker 1: be in order to survive, in order to you know, 563 00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:10,440 Speaker 1: from a place of self preservation, you know, being able 564 00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:12,720 Speaker 1: to recognize that things are wrong would mean that we 565 00:33:12,720 --> 00:33:16,560 Speaker 1: would have to leave, which could jeopardize our safety, which 566 00:33:16,600 --> 00:33:18,640 Speaker 1: could put us in the place of a lot of 567 00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:22,000 Speaker 1: doubt and fear. So it's easier to think that this 568 00:33:22,160 --> 00:33:25,680 Speaker 1: is normal. It's easier to accept what is happening to us. 569 00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:31,600 Speaker 1: There's also shame, a lack of resources, or the fact 570 00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:35,440 Speaker 1: that what they're experiencing has become normalized. There is this 571 00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:38,760 Speaker 1: theory in psychology actually called and learned helplessness that we've 572 00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:43,320 Speaker 1: spoken about on the podcast before, and essentially psychologists came up, 573 00:33:43,320 --> 00:33:47,080 Speaker 1: but researchers discovered this idea when looking at experiments with dogs, 574 00:33:48,240 --> 00:33:50,920 Speaker 1: and it was pretty pretty nasty. But they would tie 575 00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:54,479 Speaker 1: these dogs up and they would essentially abuse them, and 576 00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:59,000 Speaker 1: they couldn't escape because they were restrained. They would then 577 00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:02,360 Speaker 1: let the dogs go and they would continue to abuse them. 578 00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:05,000 Speaker 1: So even though the dogs weren't chained up, even though 579 00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:08,239 Speaker 1: they really were free to go over they wanted free 580 00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:12,560 Speaker 1: to escape the pain, they stayed because they had normalized 581 00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:16,160 Speaker 1: the experience and they had learned that they were helpless 582 00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:20,719 Speaker 1: in changing anything. Sometimes these things are so ingrained they 583 00:34:20,760 --> 00:34:23,680 Speaker 1: take time to dismantle, So you just have to be 584 00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:27,240 Speaker 1: there for them. You have to be gentle offer support, 585 00:34:27,400 --> 00:34:29,759 Speaker 1: a shoulder to cry on, a place to be heard, 586 00:34:30,719 --> 00:34:34,080 Speaker 1: enless the help of others they trust in. Love to 587 00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:36,439 Speaker 1: get them to a point where they feel secure enough 588 00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:41,280 Speaker 1: and safe enough and supported enough to do something right 589 00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:44,200 Speaker 1: if they do make the decision. Keep them focused on 590 00:34:44,320 --> 00:34:47,160 Speaker 1: the future, how much better it is going to be, 591 00:34:47,719 --> 00:34:51,120 Speaker 1: how much you love them and believe in them, how 592 00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:53,439 Speaker 1: much they have waiting for them in the next few months, 593 00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:56,719 Speaker 1: that is going to be so beyond their wildest dreams. 594 00:34:57,160 --> 00:35:01,759 Speaker 1: Pain a picture for them and their choices. Affirm that 595 00:35:01,840 --> 00:35:04,440 Speaker 1: this is the right decision, that they are making the 596 00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:07,399 Speaker 1: right choice, that you are proud of them, but don't 597 00:35:07,440 --> 00:35:09,600 Speaker 1: lose hope if you know they go back a few times. 598 00:35:09,719 --> 00:35:12,640 Speaker 1: Your job is not to force them into a decision 599 00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:15,919 Speaker 1: they're not prepared for, but to love them and aid 600 00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:19,160 Speaker 1: their decision, even if it's you know, not the one 601 00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:22,680 Speaker 1: that you would make. These situations are hard for everyone. 602 00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:25,400 Speaker 1: I know that we started off talking about like just 603 00:35:25,480 --> 00:35:28,800 Speaker 1: personally not liking somebody's partner, which is such a common experience, 604 00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:31,360 Speaker 1: but it can get more extreme than that. And I 605 00:35:31,440 --> 00:35:34,080 Speaker 1: know you feel a supreme sense of duty and you 606 00:35:34,160 --> 00:35:36,000 Speaker 1: want to do something and you wish that you were 607 00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:37,839 Speaker 1: in charge and you wish that you could make this 608 00:35:37,920 --> 00:35:41,520 Speaker 1: change happen. But it's also not about you. I think 609 00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:44,480 Speaker 1: in all of these examples, whether you dislike your friend's 610 00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:47,880 Speaker 1: partner for arbitrary reasons from a place of jealousy or 611 00:35:47,880 --> 00:35:51,160 Speaker 1: from a place of genuine concern and safety, that is 612 00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:53,480 Speaker 1: not about you. None of that is about you. It's 613 00:35:53,520 --> 00:35:56,720 Speaker 1: about your friend. It is about what you feel they deserve, 614 00:35:56,840 --> 00:36:00,399 Speaker 1: what they do deserve the relationship that they have with you. 615 00:36:01,080 --> 00:36:03,560 Speaker 1: And I think sometimes we can let our own ego 616 00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:06,120 Speaker 1: get in the way and make us feel like we 617 00:36:06,200 --> 00:36:09,279 Speaker 1: know best and make it feel like we could just 618 00:36:09,320 --> 00:36:11,320 Speaker 1: do this all better, and we should. They should just 619 00:36:11,360 --> 00:36:13,280 Speaker 1: let us take the wheel. And they don't know anything, 620 00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:15,960 Speaker 1: and they're making these mistakes, and what were they thinking. 621 00:36:17,080 --> 00:36:20,480 Speaker 1: It's not our journey, it's not our life, it's not 622 00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:23,040 Speaker 1: our decision. So you just have to be there to 623 00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:25,920 Speaker 1: support them and pick up the pieces at the end 624 00:36:25,960 --> 00:36:30,680 Speaker 1: of the day, because you know your friend will only 625 00:36:30,760 --> 00:36:34,799 Speaker 1: listen and accept help when they are ready. And if 626 00:36:34,840 --> 00:36:37,879 Speaker 1: you alienate them by judging them by being like your 627 00:36:37,880 --> 00:36:43,600 Speaker 1: partner is such a loser, they're annoying, they're awful, you know, 628 00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:45,360 Speaker 1: like I said before, we know what it feels like 629 00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:47,560 Speaker 1: to be in love. Whose side do you think they're 630 00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:51,759 Speaker 1: gonna choose? It's not rational, it's definitely not logical, but 631 00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:55,320 Speaker 1: it's very human to let ourselves be guided by emotion. 632 00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:58,480 Speaker 1: So I hope that this episode has been of some help. 633 00:36:58,480 --> 00:37:01,120 Speaker 1: I'm gonna leave some resources the description. I know that 634 00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:03,640 Speaker 1: this was kind of ended up being a really vulnerable 635 00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:06,800 Speaker 1: and intense conversation, but I also hope that it helps 636 00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:08,400 Speaker 1: because I know that a lot of us in our 637 00:37:08,480 --> 00:37:12,800 Speaker 1: twenties are witnessing this or have experienced this where someone's 638 00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:15,239 Speaker 1: just in that kind of relationship where you're like, do 639 00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:18,520 Speaker 1: I need to say something? And it's hard to decide 640 00:37:18,520 --> 00:37:20,520 Speaker 1: whether you do or whether you need to stay silent. 641 00:37:20,600 --> 00:37:23,160 Speaker 1: So I hope that this has kind of guided you 642 00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:27,560 Speaker 1: in that dilemmaon in that experience. I've been there, I've 643 00:37:27,600 --> 00:37:29,520 Speaker 1: done that, I've got the T shirt. I have been 644 00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:34,000 Speaker 1: both friends in this scenario. And you know, there were 645 00:37:34,520 --> 00:37:36,360 Speaker 1: things that I think I've said in the past to 646 00:37:36,440 --> 00:37:39,560 Speaker 1: friends that I shouldn't have said that have tarnished our friendship. 647 00:37:39,560 --> 00:37:40,960 Speaker 1: And there has been things that have said to me 648 00:37:41,040 --> 00:37:43,799 Speaker 1: that have made me really isolate myself and not want 649 00:37:43,800 --> 00:37:45,560 Speaker 1: to talk to those people. So hopefully I've brought that 650 00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:49,120 Speaker 1: experience to the table, You've taken something away from it, 651 00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:51,600 Speaker 1: You've learned from it. And if there is someone you 652 00:37:51,680 --> 00:37:54,640 Speaker 1: think needs to hear this episode, please feel free to 653 00:37:54,640 --> 00:37:57,879 Speaker 1: share it with them, share them a link, let them 654 00:37:57,960 --> 00:38:01,600 Speaker 1: know that they heard, let them here this advice for themselves. 655 00:38:01,640 --> 00:38:04,279 Speaker 1: Maybe if you have an episode suggestion, or if you 656 00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:07,360 Speaker 1: just want to get engaged with the community, please follow 657 00:38:07,360 --> 00:38:12,080 Speaker 1: along at that Psychology podcast on Instagram. We would love 658 00:38:12,120 --> 00:38:13,879 Speaker 1: to see you over there, and make sure to leave 659 00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:17,600 Speaker 1: a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you 660 00:38:17,640 --> 00:38:20,520 Speaker 1: are listening right now and make sure you're following along. 661 00:38:20,560 --> 00:38:23,160 Speaker 1: We've got some really cool episodes coming out, some that 662 00:38:23,160 --> 00:38:25,520 Speaker 1: are a little bit less serious than this. But once again, 663 00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:28,279 Speaker 1: I'm wishing you love and luck and we will be 664 00:38:28,360 --> 00:38:32,480 Speaker 1: back next week with another episode.