1 00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:09,720 Speaker 1: Hi. 2 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:13,840 Speaker 2: I'm Laura Vanderkamp. I'm a mother of five, an author, journalist, 3 00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:14,440 Speaker 2: and speaker. 4 00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:19,120 Speaker 3: And I'm Sarah hart Hunger, a mother of three, practicing physician, writer, 5 00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:22,280 Speaker 3: and course creator. We are two working parents who love 6 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:24,000 Speaker 3: our careers and our families. 7 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:27,360 Speaker 2: Welcome to best of both worlds. Here we talk about 8 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:30,360 Speaker 2: how real women manage work, family, and time for fun, 9 00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:33,360 Speaker 2: from figuring out childcare to mapping out long. 10 00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:34,200 Speaker 1: Term career goals. 11 00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:39,320 Speaker 2: We want you to get the most out of life. 12 00:00:41,159 --> 00:00:43,560 Speaker 1: Welcome to best of both worlds. This is Laura. 13 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:47,200 Speaker 2: This episode is airing in mid February of twenty twenty five, 14 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:51,360 Speaker 2: shortly before Valentine's Day for anyone who is into that 15 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:55,160 Speaker 2: as a holiday celebrating romance and things like that. So 16 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:59,160 Speaker 2: we are calling this episode keep it Hot. I guess 17 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:01,360 Speaker 2: this is a first for us, Sarah. 18 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:04,120 Speaker 3: This is definitely a verse, not because we don't think 19 00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:07,080 Speaker 3: this is an important topic, but because this is not 20 00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:11,400 Speaker 3: a topic I think where either of us feel we 21 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:14,320 Speaker 3: want to share lots of personal things on the podcast, 22 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:17,480 Speaker 3: because of course these things don't just involve us, so 23 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:20,160 Speaker 3: we thought about how we could cover. 24 00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:21,840 Speaker 4: This without being personal. 25 00:01:21,959 --> 00:01:24,679 Speaker 3: So rest assured, relatives, if you're listening, You're not going 26 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:29,319 Speaker 3: to hear my own specific tips on this topic. However, 27 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:31,479 Speaker 3: what we did was we were able to reach out 28 00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:35,080 Speaker 3: to listeners and we received a treasure trove of tips 29 00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:38,880 Speaker 3: and questions and interesting things. And so the way we're 30 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:43,400 Speaker 3: going to format this is by anonymously sharing others' perspectives 31 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:46,160 Speaker 3: and tips because I think we're all human, many of 32 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:50,840 Speaker 3: us share the same challenges or victories or whatever, and 33 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,000 Speaker 3: so this is a nice way to be able to 34 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:56,640 Speaker 3: share some of these ideas around a topic without violating 35 00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:58,200 Speaker 3: anyone's privacy. 36 00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:01,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I mean, because I mean the topics of 37 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:07,160 Speaker 2: romance and intimacy, like as I'm sure many people listening 38 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:11,600 Speaker 2: to this have friends who have wound up in new 39 00:02:11,639 --> 00:02:14,600 Speaker 2: relationships as a result of and after a divorce or 40 00:02:14,639 --> 00:02:19,519 Speaker 2: anything like that, and you're like, WHOA, the time they're 41 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:22,600 Speaker 2: spending together, they're feeling like all over each other, they're 42 00:02:22,639 --> 00:02:25,560 Speaker 2: like public displays of affection. You're like, you kind of 43 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:30,120 Speaker 2: don't necessarily have that same mindset with your spouse of decades, 44 00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:34,360 Speaker 2: And it's like, well, could you recapture any of that 45 00:02:34,639 --> 00:02:39,040 Speaker 2: without the bad other things happening in between? That would 46 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:43,960 Speaker 2: the necessitate starting something new So, yeah, we want everyone 47 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:46,960 Speaker 2: who is in a long term relationship to be able 48 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:50,200 Speaker 2: to keep it hot, and yeah, it probably won't be 49 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:52,399 Speaker 2: like when you were first dating, but it can still 50 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:53,000 Speaker 2: be pretty cool. 51 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:56,280 Speaker 3: And I guess this would be our trigger warning that 52 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:58,679 Speaker 3: if there are young ears listening and you don't want 53 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:03,560 Speaker 3: them about things related to love life, then maybe this 54 00:03:03,639 --> 00:03:05,520 Speaker 3: is one where you want to throw in some headphones. 55 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:08,720 Speaker 2: All right, So first though, we want to talk about 56 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:11,640 Speaker 2: the fact that the struggle is real. We are not 57 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:15,720 Speaker 2: saying for either of us. However, there are many people 58 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:20,240 Speaker 2: who we know are listening to this who like, if 59 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:23,519 Speaker 2: you've got little kids, you might be completely touched out 60 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:24,720 Speaker 2: by the end of the day. 61 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,320 Speaker 1: That's something we heard from a lot of listeners, right, Sarah. 62 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:30,600 Speaker 3: Yeah, so one common thing, and I think one person 63 00:03:30,639 --> 00:03:34,160 Speaker 3: remarked that this was like maybe more likely in someone 64 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,160 Speaker 3: that really likes a lot of quiet time or is 65 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:39,520 Speaker 3: introverted that they just felt sort of like overly needed 66 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:42,960 Speaker 3: in life, and therefore sometimes it was very challenging to 67 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,800 Speaker 3: get in any sort of mood because they just felt 68 00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:47,440 Speaker 3: like they didn't have enough of that personal time and 69 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:48,080 Speaker 3: that can be tough. 70 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:52,560 Speaker 2: There's also changes in hormone levels, which maybe Sarah, you 71 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:55,280 Speaker 2: can tell us. I mean, especially our listeners who are 72 00:03:55,800 --> 00:04:00,240 Speaker 2: hitting their late thirties their forties, these are things that change, right. 73 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,200 Speaker 3: Yeah, well, there's an interesting tip coming later on in 74 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:06,560 Speaker 3: the episode about perhaps managing some of those fluctuations throughout 75 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:11,320 Speaker 3: the cycle. Those fluctuations are very evolutionary driven. 76 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:12,280 Speaker 4: And very real. 77 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:15,520 Speaker 3: But then there's also fluctuations kind of over the decades, 78 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:18,720 Speaker 3: as you might be approaching perimenopause or headed into menopause, 79 00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:20,920 Speaker 3: and the timing for that isn't standard. 80 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:22,720 Speaker 4: As we've talked about before, some people have. 81 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,720 Speaker 3: Those things at earlier ages than others, so that can 82 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:28,640 Speaker 3: be another layer of challenge that goes on top of. 83 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:33,480 Speaker 2: This, there's also the matter of kids being afoot, so 84 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,880 Speaker 2: spending time together as. 85 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:40,240 Speaker 1: A couple while the children are occupied or as sleep. 86 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,919 Speaker 2: It's obviously challenging when kids are little if they're waking up, 87 00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:46,919 Speaker 2: keeping you up at night or anything like that, or 88 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:50,120 Speaker 2: you need constant supervision for them, so it's hard to 89 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:53,680 Speaker 2: get time together as a couple. But then even if 90 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:57,159 Speaker 2: the children are older, it turns out that teenagers don't 91 00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:59,520 Speaker 2: go to bed, so if you are relying on the 92 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:02,880 Speaker 2: kids be asleep to give you some quiet couple time 93 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,680 Speaker 2: together that may not happen now. Of course, they may 94 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:07,920 Speaker 2: not wake up until noon on Saturday, so the two 95 00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:10,719 Speaker 2: of you could have had eight hours together by the 96 00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:13,600 Speaker 2: time that they're. 97 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:16,920 Speaker 1: Getting out of bed on the weekend. But they are around. 98 00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:21,320 Speaker 2: And if some of our listeners have small houses or apartments, 99 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:24,160 Speaker 2: that is definitely a consideration. 100 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:27,240 Speaker 3: Yeah, this is interesting because I feel like the people 101 00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:32,039 Speaker 3: that rode in with teens definitely seem to note that 102 00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:35,640 Speaker 3: this problem actually gets worse, not better as kids get older, 103 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,320 Speaker 3: partly because the teens are going to be more aware, 104 00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:41,800 Speaker 3: partly because it could just be awkward, but also especially 105 00:05:41,839 --> 00:05:45,320 Speaker 3: because of those timing sorts of issues, because if you 106 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,760 Speaker 3: were relying on late evenings, the kids are just naturally 107 00:05:48,839 --> 00:05:51,680 Speaker 3: up later than many adults in those years, and that's 108 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:55,480 Speaker 3: sort of a rhythm of biology as well. Many people 109 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:58,279 Speaker 3: say that then when the teens leave the house, you 110 00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:04,880 Speaker 3: can have like a renaissance of source just every minute 111 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:08,560 Speaker 3: you want, But not everyone wants to wait that long, 112 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:10,360 Speaker 3: which I one hundred percent understand. 113 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:13,159 Speaker 1: There. 114 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:18,240 Speaker 2: You know, obviously, scheduling is an option for making sure 115 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,280 Speaker 2: that things are on the calendar, but there's a certain 116 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:24,640 Speaker 2: stigma around that I know that people have. There's also 117 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:28,360 Speaker 2: you know, sometimes in long term partnerships of resentments can 118 00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:32,520 Speaker 2: build up too, so it's hard to feel loving if 119 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:34,640 Speaker 2: one party feels like they're getting the short end of 120 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:37,799 Speaker 2: the stick on things like chores or childcare or anything 121 00:06:37,839 --> 00:06:40,240 Speaker 2: like that. So if people are feeling like they are 122 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,920 Speaker 2: doing too much or more than their share, that can 123 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,520 Speaker 2: be an inhibitor as well. 124 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,480 Speaker 3: So those are all the problems, well not all the problems, 125 00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:50,760 Speaker 3: but those are just several of the challenges that our 126 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:54,320 Speaker 3: listeners sent in. And so we are going to segue 127 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:57,480 Speaker 3: into the positive side of this by sharing some really 128 00:06:57,560 --> 00:07:01,680 Speaker 3: awesome and some interesting listener hips, some of them spicier 129 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:02,240 Speaker 3: than others. 130 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:06,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, the first isn't spicy at all, which is to 131 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:07,800 Speaker 2: share the load. 132 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,160 Speaker 1: So one of the. 133 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:14,760 Speaker 2: Best things I think that women in the busy years 134 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:18,240 Speaker 2: can do is take one night for your own pursuits 135 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:21,480 Speaker 2: each week. So if that's that, you want to go 136 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:24,000 Speaker 2: out with friends one night a week, if you want 137 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:26,200 Speaker 2: to join a choir, if you want to go to 138 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:29,120 Speaker 2: a regular class at your gym, if you want to 139 00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:31,760 Speaker 2: join the pickleball league, if you want to volunteer somewhere, 140 00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:34,800 Speaker 2: but just that you make sure you have time for 141 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,800 Speaker 2: your own interests and something that is not work and 142 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,440 Speaker 2: is not caring for family members. It could be early 143 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:42,520 Speaker 2: morning Sarah runs with a group. She doesn't like to 144 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:46,480 Speaker 2: stay out late. But making sure that you have time 145 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:49,880 Speaker 2: for yourself is actually going to make you more excited 146 00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:54,880 Speaker 2: about life in general, and that can have spillover effects 147 00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:56,840 Speaker 2: for being excited about other things. 148 00:07:57,080 --> 00:07:59,960 Speaker 3: That's so true that feeling of like independence or even 149 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:02,880 Speaker 3: just connecting with your sort of younger self, I think 150 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:07,000 Speaker 3: can kind of lead to healthier feelings along those lines. 151 00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:10,600 Speaker 1: Yeah, and then of course scheduling. 152 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,560 Speaker 2: Yes, so people wrote in with this, so we have 153 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:14,920 Speaker 2: a lot of people who say they schedule time with 154 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:15,600 Speaker 2: their partners. 155 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:19,960 Speaker 3: Correct Sarah, Yeah, somebody actually wrote that which gets scheduled 156 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:22,680 Speaker 3: gets done parentheses including sex. 157 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:25,360 Speaker 2: So if it needs to be on the calendar, it 158 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:28,080 Speaker 2: needs to be on the calendar. And I'll note here 159 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:33,960 Speaker 2: that many women have sort of a longer runway, as 160 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:39,720 Speaker 2: it were, for getting into the mood, and so knowing 161 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,560 Speaker 2: that it will happen ahead of time can actually be 162 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:47,599 Speaker 2: a real positive because it gives you time to get excited, 163 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:51,640 Speaker 2: whereas if it's just like all of a sudden, hey, 164 00:08:51,679 --> 00:08:54,320 Speaker 2: this is what's happening next. That might be a little 165 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:57,720 Speaker 2: bit more challenging for some people to make happen. 166 00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:00,480 Speaker 3: Totally makes sense, and I think on the of same 167 00:09:00,559 --> 00:09:04,000 Speaker 3: lines of scheduling, it could be just a rotating regular routine, 168 00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,600 Speaker 3: like everybody just expects that X night and X night 169 00:09:06,679 --> 00:09:10,320 Speaker 3: or whatever those are a couple nights, and maybe that 170 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:13,400 Speaker 3: kind of is strategically figured out around your kids activity 171 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:16,960 Speaker 3: schedule or other things. But by having things kind of 172 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:20,280 Speaker 3: be expected, I think that would serve a similar purpose. 173 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:25,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, So one couple, one listener who wrote in said 174 00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:28,920 Speaker 2: that they do a day date on Saturday or Sunday 175 00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:31,920 Speaker 2: twice a month and they have a sitter come from 176 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:35,400 Speaker 2: eight am to two pm. They go have a workout together, 177 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:39,840 Speaker 2: have a leisurely breakfast, and prioritize being intimate during this 178 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:43,000 Speaker 2: time because she says she actually has the energy and 179 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:47,240 Speaker 2: is in the mood unlike Thursday at nine pm, which 180 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:48,880 Speaker 2: I think is really smart. And so then we asked 181 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:52,000 Speaker 2: a follow up question, which is that are the sitter 182 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:54,760 Speaker 2: and your kids hanging out right outside your apartment door, 183 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,600 Speaker 2: And the answer is no. They hire the sitter to 184 00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:00,400 Speaker 2: go take the kids out to a local playplace in 185 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:01,880 Speaker 2: the morning, so they take it. You know, they get 186 00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:04,920 Speaker 2: out in the morning after they guess they go to 187 00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:07,040 Speaker 2: the gym first or whatever sitter can feed the kid's breakfast. 188 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:08,920 Speaker 2: They go to the play place when it's open, they're 189 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:10,880 Speaker 2: there for a couple hours, come back at two o'clock, 190 00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:13,839 Speaker 2: and everything has happened as it is supposed to happen. 191 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:16,520 Speaker 3: I can think of a few variations on this theme 192 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,679 Speaker 3: that could work really well, because I will say, like, 193 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:21,600 Speaker 3: this particular scenario sounds like it would work with young 194 00:10:21,679 --> 00:10:24,160 Speaker 3: kids who are up early. Like if you told my 195 00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:26,440 Speaker 3: almost thirteen year old, oh, hey, we're gonna like have 196 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:27,640 Speaker 3: a sitter drag you out the door. 197 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:31,000 Speaker 4: At eight am, I mean not happening, it would not 198 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:31,800 Speaker 4: go over well. 199 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:33,440 Speaker 3: And it's funny because you know, when your kids are little, 200 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:35,360 Speaker 3: you don't realize that you kind of expect to be 201 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:37,600 Speaker 3: in that mode, but they do get to a point 202 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:40,400 Speaker 3: where like, that's just not happening. But sort of the 203 00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:43,400 Speaker 3: older kid version of this could be that you arrange 204 00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:47,120 Speaker 3: for kids to have simultaneous sleepovers, or if there's a 205 00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:49,559 Speaker 3: family member or caregiver like a nanny that would take 206 00:10:49,559 --> 00:10:51,920 Speaker 3: the kids overnight that that would be a great time. Okay, 207 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,080 Speaker 3: they're hanging out, they're staying over there on Friday night, 208 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:55,959 Speaker 3: They're gonna do something fun in the morning, and then 209 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,680 Speaker 3: you know, you have the house to yourself. 210 00:10:57,679 --> 00:10:58,600 Speaker 4: So I would say there are. 211 00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:00,840 Speaker 3: Kind of like this would be the young version, and 212 00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:03,800 Speaker 3: then the older kid versions might involve instead of starting 213 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:06,520 Speaker 3: that morning, kind of heading from the night before into 214 00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:07,160 Speaker 3: the next morning. 215 00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:07,960 Speaker 4: If that makes sense. 216 00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:10,840 Speaker 2: Yeah, I know somebody who would hire a sitter to 217 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:13,480 Speaker 2: come take the kids, like out to a movie, so 218 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:16,560 Speaker 2: you could leave for the movie at like five o'clock. 219 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:18,240 Speaker 2: And the idea is that they were going to go 220 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:21,360 Speaker 2: out to dinner, but they would actually prioritize having some 221 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:25,560 Speaker 2: couple time before they went out to dinner because then 222 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:29,040 Speaker 2: it would happen, Whereas if you wait till later in 223 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:31,600 Speaker 2: the evening sometimes people get tired. But since they knew 224 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,800 Speaker 2: they had the house to themselves, it was all good. 225 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,600 Speaker 3: Well let's take a quick break and then we're going 226 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,280 Speaker 3: to actually share a very related tip from our listener. 227 00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:51,920 Speaker 1: Well, we are back. 228 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:56,520 Speaker 2: We are talking all things romance, intimacy, How to keep 229 00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:58,599 Speaker 2: it hot if you have been with your partner for 230 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:02,560 Speaker 2: a very long time raising kids together. Sometimes this can 231 00:12:02,559 --> 00:12:06,640 Speaker 2: make having a exciting love life a bit more challenging. 232 00:12:06,679 --> 00:12:10,040 Speaker 2: But our listeners had all sorts of great ideas on 233 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:14,760 Speaker 2: how they could make it happen. So yes, this couple 234 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:17,440 Speaker 2: did not even bother hiring a center. They have a 235 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:20,800 Speaker 2: one sort of preteenaged child who can watch him or 236 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:23,560 Speaker 2: herself in the evening when they go out and do something. 237 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:26,679 Speaker 2: But this listener writes that my favorite time for intimacy 238 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:28,120 Speaker 2: is right before date night. 239 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:29,320 Speaker 1: The door to our. 240 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:32,080 Speaker 2: Bedroom is locked because we are showering and getting ready. 241 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:35,200 Speaker 2: Our kid already has extra technology, so he's hanging out 242 00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:37,520 Speaker 2: with that and the dog and on the device. So 243 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:40,000 Speaker 2: the sound of the shower, which I guess they just 244 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:43,760 Speaker 2: keep running for a very long time, masks anything in 245 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:47,160 Speaker 2: their home. She says she is usually sipping a glass 246 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,200 Speaker 2: of wine and is relaxed at this point, so that 247 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:51,400 Speaker 2: is one approach. 248 00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,040 Speaker 4: I love that, although all this shower talk, I'm like, 249 00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:56,720 Speaker 4: maybe they could just involve the shower somehow, I don't know. 250 00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:58,200 Speaker 4: Bring the wine in the bathroom, carring the. 251 00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:58,440 Speaker 2: Wine in. 252 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:02,000 Speaker 1: Your bathroom door. You're like in your wine. 253 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:05,000 Speaker 2: You're like, wait, this is somehow I would spill it 254 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:07,079 Speaker 2: all over the bathomot just. 255 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:10,880 Speaker 3: Be no, I'm picturing candles. I'm picturing I don't know, 256 00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:13,040 Speaker 3: but yeah, then you'd have two layers. If your bathroom 257 00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:14,880 Speaker 3: is within your room, you could lock your bedroom door 258 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:15,600 Speaker 3: and your bath. 259 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:17,439 Speaker 4: In the bathroom four knocks in there. 260 00:13:17,679 --> 00:13:20,080 Speaker 2: So it sounds like the preteen child probably doesn't have 261 00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:22,760 Speaker 2: a whole lot of interest in like banging on his 262 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:27,800 Speaker 2: parents locked door. My guess I'm gonna be honest with 263 00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:29,920 Speaker 2: you here. The kid knows what you're doing. 264 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:30,160 Speaker 3: Like. 265 00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:33,720 Speaker 4: Maybe I don't. 266 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:35,520 Speaker 3: Maybe know, it depends on how involved they are in 267 00:13:35,559 --> 00:13:38,320 Speaker 3: their video games, because I don't know. My kids can 268 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,960 Speaker 3: be so oblivious with technology that it I don't think 269 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,040 Speaker 3: anything like that would cross their mind. But you might 270 00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:44,400 Speaker 3: be right, and that's okay. 271 00:13:44,559 --> 00:13:48,200 Speaker 1: That's okay because yes, you are adults who are married. 272 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:50,959 Speaker 3: And I like how that person emphasizes that they really 273 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:54,800 Speaker 3: just love kind of that experience prior and then kind 274 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:55,480 Speaker 3: of going out. 275 00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:58,000 Speaker 4: Afterwards, and then not having pressure afterwards. 276 00:13:57,559 --> 00:14:00,559 Speaker 2: Because afterwards, because everyone's tired, you know, especially if you 277 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,400 Speaker 2: have had the glass of wine at dinner, you may 278 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:08,040 Speaker 2: be falling asleep. Another listener talks about embracing opportunistic snippets 279 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:09,959 Speaker 2: of time. So they have a rule in their house 280 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:12,520 Speaker 2: that if both kids are out of the house that 281 00:14:12,679 --> 00:14:14,920 Speaker 2: is couple times. So if they happen to both be 282 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:17,120 Speaker 2: home at five pm on Tuesday and someone needs a 283 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:20,160 Speaker 2: ride at five forty five, forget folding laundry or picking 284 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:23,080 Speaker 2: up because those things can happen when the kids are home. 285 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,280 Speaker 3: I like the specificity of the time window here, and 286 00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:28,000 Speaker 3: I wonder, like what the minimum that. 287 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:30,560 Speaker 2: Must have just like happened yesterday before this person rode in, 288 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:34,440 Speaker 2: They're like, well, we swim practice was over at five 289 00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:35,360 Speaker 2: forty five. 290 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:38,280 Speaker 3: Or like if it was twenty three minutes, would they do? 291 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:40,080 Speaker 3: I mean, like, where's the where's the. 292 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:43,320 Speaker 2: Where's the dividing line? Yes, like how long of a 293 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:46,480 Speaker 2: window or how short? I think it's short of a window? Like, yes, 294 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:50,400 Speaker 2: that's true, it's uh. 295 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,320 Speaker 4: But no, that's I mean, that's great. 296 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:51,800 Speaker 3: And I love that they just make it a rule, 297 00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:53,600 Speaker 3: so it's a given and everyone kind of knows what 298 00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:57,240 Speaker 3: to expect, and it is so true, like there are 299 00:14:57,320 --> 00:15:00,680 Speaker 3: times that you'll spend precious kid out of the house 300 00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:03,120 Speaker 3: time doing things that you could absolutely do when the 301 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,160 Speaker 3: kids in the house. And I remember when the kids 302 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:08,360 Speaker 3: were really little I thought about that, not specific to 303 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:11,400 Speaker 3: this activity, but even just like things like when would 304 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,200 Speaker 3: you do your work out? When did you do your housework? 305 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,640 Speaker 3: Like you want to do the the things you don't 306 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,000 Speaker 3: want the kid to interrupt, do that when they're gone, Like, 307 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:20,040 Speaker 3: don't ever spend that time when the kids are gone 308 00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:21,760 Speaker 3: doing things that it doesn't matter if they're there. 309 00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:22,560 Speaker 4: If that makes sense. 310 00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:25,120 Speaker 2: Yeah, and then into the sound of like and plus 311 00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:27,640 Speaker 2: kids should see that housework is happening, that it's not 312 00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:31,360 Speaker 2: you know, being done by like the tooth fairy or something. 313 00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:33,560 Speaker 4: True, and they don't need to see other things. So yeah, 314 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:34,600 Speaker 4: makes sense. There we go. 315 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:40,280 Speaker 2: So another listener wrote in about an argument she had 316 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:45,880 Speaker 2: had with her partner about timing, especially in terms of 317 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:50,600 Speaker 2: her hormonal cycle. So, Sarah, maybe you can talk through 318 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:51,040 Speaker 2: that one. 319 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:54,000 Speaker 3: Yes, this one was fascinating to me, So I'm going 320 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,840 Speaker 3: to share it in a little bit more detail. So, 321 00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:59,640 Speaker 3: she writes, in order to kind of solve some conflicts 322 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:02,400 Speaker 3: they were happening, she gave her husband a cheat sheet 323 00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:04,440 Speaker 3: as to the phases of her cycle in a text 324 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:09,440 Speaker 3: message after this argument that was precipitated by a request 325 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,840 Speaker 3: for some amorous time that was poorly timed with her cycle. 326 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:14,600 Speaker 3: It was like right before her period, and she was 327 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:16,800 Speaker 3: in no mood. So she didn't want to talk about 328 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:18,880 Speaker 3: it in really clinical terms because she felt like that 329 00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:21,560 Speaker 3: might be a little bit of a turn off. 330 00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:23,480 Speaker 4: I mean for some it wouldn't, but maybe for them 331 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:23,880 Speaker 4: it would. 332 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:28,120 Speaker 3: So she said, we're gonna call phase one cycle days 333 00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:30,720 Speaker 3: one through seven, so your period, and right after phase 334 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:33,760 Speaker 3: two cycle days eight through eighteen, so kind of like 335 00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:38,160 Speaker 3: post period to ovulation. Phase three cycle days nineteen to 336 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,600 Speaker 3: your next period, So that's like your luteal phase. 337 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:41,600 Speaker 4: That's a cheat sheet here. 338 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:44,560 Speaker 3: So phase one, she's like, I need advanced warning, so 339 00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:46,320 Speaker 3: it might work out, but you got to kind of 340 00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:50,520 Speaker 3: like see the end of phase one into phase two aka, 341 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:51,960 Speaker 3: in my opinion, the good part. 342 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:52,320 Speaker 4: Of the month. 343 00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:55,960 Speaker 3: Feel free to surprise me, flirt, or try something new. 344 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:59,960 Speaker 3: Phase three I need warning. I will probably say, yeah, 345 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:03,040 Speaker 3: but please don't try to be spontaneous and manage your 346 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:06,000 Speaker 3: expectations as to how thrilling it might be. And she 347 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:09,240 Speaker 3: writes it has cleared up so much confusion about why 348 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:11,359 Speaker 3: things might change from week to week and that it 349 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:14,280 Speaker 3: had absolutely nothing to do with our relationship. How attracted 350 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:16,800 Speaker 3: I am to him as my partner, or how important 351 00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:22,000 Speaker 3: intimacy is to me and as somebody who has natural cycles. 352 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:23,880 Speaker 3: And I didn't always because when you're on the pill, 353 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:26,040 Speaker 3: these things are not going to apply. Or even like 354 00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:28,240 Speaker 3: if you have certain types of IUDs or like anouva 355 00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:31,600 Speaker 3: ring or your menopausal like there's these wouldn't always apply. 356 00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:34,720 Speaker 3: But I one hundred percent see where this person came 357 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,600 Speaker 3: up with these phases. They make a lot of sense, 358 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:40,000 Speaker 3: and I think it's brilliant and very open without being 359 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:41,280 Speaker 3: like overly graphics. 360 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:42,960 Speaker 4: So yeah, good job, listener. 361 00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:47,399 Speaker 2: Yeah no, well, I mean it's good to know, and 362 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:50,199 Speaker 2: if one has a male partner, you shouldn't assume that 363 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:53,880 Speaker 2: this person would understand that on their own, so it's 364 00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:57,199 Speaker 2: a good to bring them in to the experience with you. 365 00:17:58,119 --> 00:17:58,760 Speaker 1: We had a. 366 00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:03,760 Speaker 2: Lot of people mention that working from home opens up 367 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:08,480 Speaker 2: new vistas in terms of time that is available, because 368 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:13,160 Speaker 2: presumably your kids are either at school or at daycare. 369 00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:16,520 Speaker 2: If the two of you have days that you both 370 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:19,560 Speaker 2: work from home, this can be an option. So one 371 00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:21,200 Speaker 2: listener writes in we have a seven year old and 372 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:22,399 Speaker 2: a four year old who go to bed at the 373 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,800 Speaker 2: same time as we do, and sometimes they're in the 374 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:27,280 Speaker 2: room with them, which I totally get. Our five year 375 00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:30,600 Speaker 2: old seems to keep coming in for mommy and daddy's 376 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,080 Speaker 2: room as well. We've had the best luck fitting in 377 00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:36,840 Speaker 2: intimacy during the daytime on Fridays, when we both tend 378 00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:40,800 Speaker 2: to work from home. So if that is a thing 379 00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:44,480 Speaker 2: in your household, if both partners work from home on Fridays, 380 00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:46,879 Speaker 2: you might even try. 381 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:48,280 Speaker 1: To block out a longer lunch. 382 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:52,920 Speaker 2: You could eat lunch together, have some time together, make 383 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:58,120 Speaker 2: sure that nobody has a zoom immediately afterwards, you know, at. 384 00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:01,560 Speaker 3: Taste if it's a screen screen off zoom, screen off, 385 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:05,440 Speaker 3: a screen off zoom. 386 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,479 Speaker 1: But that can be a great option. 387 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:12,080 Speaker 2: Or if you both end earlier on Fridays, like your 388 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:15,760 Speaker 2: daycare is open till five thirty on Fridays and you 389 00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:18,760 Speaker 2: tend not to have many meetings after like three o'clock 390 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,639 Speaker 2: on Fridays, that's a great option, and you can start 391 00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:23,760 Speaker 2: the weekend off together before you go and pick up 392 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:27,760 Speaker 2: your kids, and you'll probably enjoy the working from home 393 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,359 Speaker 2: experience even more. 394 00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:30,160 Speaker 4: Love it. 395 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:32,600 Speaker 3: We're going to take a quick break and then get 396 00:19:32,600 --> 00:20:01,040 Speaker 3: into some I don't know, biologic ideas. 397 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:50,520 Speaker 1: Well. 398 00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:54,600 Speaker 2: We are back we are talking ways to keep it hot. 399 00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:58,480 Speaker 2: If you have been with your partner for many years 400 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:01,720 Speaker 2: raising kids together, times it can be more challenging to 401 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:05,200 Speaker 2: find time, energy and be in the mood for intimacy. 402 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:08,640 Speaker 2: But we want everyone to have an exciting and wonderful 403 00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:13,439 Speaker 2: love life. So one listener actually wrote in that her 404 00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:17,520 Speaker 2: husband getting a vasectomy had been a huge boost in 405 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:19,600 Speaker 2: the quality of their love life because she was no 406 00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:23,560 Speaker 2: longer worried about getting pregnant, so she was like much 407 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,200 Speaker 2: more excited for things to happen. 408 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:26,800 Speaker 4: Totally get it. 409 00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:28,960 Speaker 2: We will throw that one out there as an option, 410 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:31,639 Speaker 2: And if any men are on the fence about this, 411 00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:35,240 Speaker 2: that might be something that could push you over into 412 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:38,520 Speaker 2: making that decision that it might drastically improve things in 413 00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:39,840 Speaker 2: your household. 414 00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:43,439 Speaker 3: All right, then, we have some listeners who wrote in 415 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:47,360 Speaker 3: about sort of adjacent ways of making sure this part 416 00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:50,680 Speaker 3: of your relationship can thrive. And one person I will 417 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:54,480 Speaker 3: quote this. This person writes, couples therapy ain't no shame here. 418 00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:57,080 Speaker 3: If you feel you're in a rut or slump, reconnecting 419 00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:01,639 Speaker 3: emotionally comes before physical connection. Actually for women, she writes, 420 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:04,240 Speaker 3: this is the best investment we have made in our marriage. 421 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:07,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, that could be so smart. And you know, it's 422 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:09,440 Speaker 2: not just for people who are on the verge of divorce. 423 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:14,479 Speaker 2: People have that idea sometimes, but it can be about 424 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:20,960 Speaker 2: making a great marriage awesome. So consider that as a 425 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:23,280 Speaker 2: way to you know, just as you might have a 426 00:21:23,359 --> 00:21:26,159 Speaker 2: coach to take your running game up a bit, or 427 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:30,719 Speaker 2: you know, like your mentor at work helping you achieve 428 00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:33,800 Speaker 2: the next level, sometimes couple's therapy can be that for 429 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:38,240 Speaker 2: people's marriages. Yes, another idea this person suggested is that 430 00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:41,320 Speaker 2: it's hard, but try to separate logistics. 431 00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:44,560 Speaker 1: Talk from your date time and your time to connect. 432 00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:47,200 Speaker 2: So the problem is, of course, if you guys haven't 433 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:49,720 Speaker 2: had any time together, and all of a sudden, you 434 00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:53,399 Speaker 2: have time together and it's like, okay, we're getting ready 435 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,639 Speaker 2: for mommy daddy time, and we need to discuss who's 436 00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:59,679 Speaker 2: picking up who from swim practice, it's a maybe a 437 00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:02,159 Speaker 2: bit of a mood killer for some, not everyone, but 438 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:05,000 Speaker 2: for some. And so as much as possible, trying to 439 00:22:05,119 --> 00:22:08,880 Speaker 2: have a regular time where you talk about logistics means 440 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:13,679 Speaker 2: that your intimate couple time is not taken up with 441 00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:18,719 Speaker 2: talk of who's on carpool duty on Tuesday and do 442 00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:21,240 Speaker 2: we need a sitter for Thursday evening and so forth. 443 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:22,360 Speaker 4: Yes, totally. 444 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:25,680 Speaker 3: I feel like it's not the best mood booster to 445 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:29,280 Speaker 3: be figuring out pick up, especially if those things sometimes 446 00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:30,720 Speaker 3: spawn some little mini conflicts. 447 00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:33,040 Speaker 4: That's like the last thing you want. It's no scenarios. 448 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:34,280 Speaker 1: I said it last week. 449 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:39,040 Speaker 3: Yes, Another tip was to pay attention to what excites you, 450 00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:41,800 Speaker 3: and that might not be the most obvious thing. Maybe 451 00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:44,480 Speaker 3: it is a sexy TV show, movie, or book or 452 00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:46,360 Speaker 3: something specifically designed. 453 00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:46,639 Speaker 4: For this purpose. 454 00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:49,679 Speaker 3: Now, if sort of traditional sources are not appealing to you, 455 00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:53,560 Speaker 3: there are some products designed particularly towards women, such as 456 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:56,240 Speaker 3: any Dipsy Stories is a company that makes kind of 457 00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:59,320 Speaker 3: spicy audiobooks geared to women. But maybe it's just like 458 00:22:59,359 --> 00:23:04,080 Speaker 3: a regular like HBO TV show that gets you both 459 00:23:04,119 --> 00:23:06,960 Speaker 3: in the mood together. I mean, you might as well 460 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:10,800 Speaker 3: take advantage of these opportunities as they arise, and you 461 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:13,159 Speaker 3: never know what could end up being really kind of 462 00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:14,240 Speaker 3: a fun start to your night. 463 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:17,879 Speaker 2: Yeah. I mean, there's definitely a lot more things in 464 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:21,959 Speaker 2: that market that have been designed by women at this point, 465 00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:27,280 Speaker 2: and that is totally new. Was not something that there 466 00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:31,479 Speaker 2: was much of a market for before. So definitely favail 467 00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:33,320 Speaker 2: yourself of anything of that if you think it will 468 00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:37,680 Speaker 2: make your life a little bit more exciting. We would 469 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:41,480 Speaker 2: also suggest, and people wrote in about taking care of yourself, 470 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:47,760 Speaker 2: so partly wanting to be intimated, it is about having 471 00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:53,080 Speaker 2: a positive self image and that doesn't mean looking like 472 00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:56,240 Speaker 2: a model or anything like that, but it means being 473 00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:59,440 Speaker 2: comfortable in your own skin, comfortable with your. 474 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:02,080 Speaker 1: Life, happy with your life. 475 00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:04,159 Speaker 2: So, as we talked about earlier, having a night for 476 00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:07,800 Speaker 2: your own interests is huge, but it could be other 477 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:08,400 Speaker 2: things too. 478 00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:10,439 Speaker 1: I mean, Sarah, I don't know. 479 00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:15,919 Speaker 3: Cute pajamas, I mean for real though, cute pajamas, cute bedtime, outfit, lingerie, 480 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:20,560 Speaker 3: like something that just makes you feel more confident might 481 00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:25,800 Speaker 3: then translate to kind of wanting to explore things more 482 00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:29,640 Speaker 3: or just like have more excitement with a couple time. 483 00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:30,080 Speaker 1: I don't know. 484 00:24:30,119 --> 00:24:33,199 Speaker 3: I guess the flip side is more what resonates with me, 485 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:35,640 Speaker 3: which is like, if you're feeling really like not well 486 00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:37,639 Speaker 3: taken care of and you feel like you're wearing gross 487 00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:39,960 Speaker 3: clothes or you need to shower or something. 488 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:41,960 Speaker 4: It generally is not the best. 489 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,639 Speaker 3: So putting that, turning that on its edge, investing in 490 00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:47,399 Speaker 3: yourself a little bit can actually be a very compared 491 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:52,320 Speaker 3: to therapy, a very budget friendly way of helping the relationship. 492 00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:55,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, although your male partner may not have cared if 493 00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:59,119 Speaker 2: you have showered or brushed your hair or put on 494 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:00,879 Speaker 2: makeup anything else like that. 495 00:25:01,119 --> 00:25:03,399 Speaker 1: But if it helps you, sure go for it. 496 00:25:04,359 --> 00:25:07,560 Speaker 2: We also say that taking care of yourself physically in 497 00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:12,960 Speaker 2: terms of getting physical activity is maybe an undersung aspect 498 00:25:13,119 --> 00:25:17,040 Speaker 2: of this, because that's part of feeling comfortable in your 499 00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:19,720 Speaker 2: own skin too. And again not in any way like 500 00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:22,760 Speaker 2: people need to be skinny or look like models or 501 00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:23,320 Speaker 2: anything like that. 502 00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:25,640 Speaker 1: That has nothing to do with it whatsoever. 503 00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:30,119 Speaker 2: It's more that having like how do I describe it, 504 00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:32,119 Speaker 2: Just feeling like you are. 505 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:36,880 Speaker 3: Embodied, enjoying the way your body works, or the way 506 00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:40,000 Speaker 3: your body works, that movement feels good, or like the 507 00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:41,280 Speaker 3: feeling of getting stronger. 508 00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:42,720 Speaker 4: No, I get what you're saying. 509 00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:46,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, And that could also give people a positive self image, 510 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:49,879 Speaker 2: like and you see your body less as something to 511 00:25:50,119 --> 00:25:53,159 Speaker 2: look at and more as a functional object, like my 512 00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:54,320 Speaker 2: body does cool things. 513 00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:55,960 Speaker 1: And if your body does cool things in the gym, 514 00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:57,160 Speaker 1: your body probably does. 515 00:25:57,040 --> 00:26:01,680 Speaker 2: Cool things elsewhere too, So just something to think about there, 516 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,439 Speaker 2: and of course, if your partner is going off to 517 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:06,640 Speaker 2: the gym and taking care of himself in that way, 518 00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:08,399 Speaker 2: it probably will make life better for both of you 519 00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:11,720 Speaker 2: as well. So that would be our rule for increasing 520 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:14,639 Speaker 2: intimacy here is that if either partner wants to go 521 00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:16,639 Speaker 2: to the gym, probably that is a good thing. 522 00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:21,440 Speaker 1: You should cover for each other equally but enthusiastically. 523 00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:25,080 Speaker 3: And benefit will be longer, healthier lives in every. 524 00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:28,439 Speaker 2: Way, in every single way. All right, moving on to 525 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:32,159 Speaker 2: the question. So this is kind of an interesting one. 526 00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:35,439 Speaker 2: The listener said, are you aware of any podcasts that 527 00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:38,600 Speaker 2: are similar to yours and are hosted by the male 528 00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:39,800 Speaker 2: equivalents of you? 529 00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:40,200 Speaker 1: Guys? 530 00:26:41,119 --> 00:26:43,199 Speaker 3: So this is an interesting question, and it's also a 531 00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:46,000 Speaker 3: funny question juxtaposed with this episode, because I'm like, oh, 532 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:50,119 Speaker 3: what would the male equivalent of this episode be? 533 00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:52,320 Speaker 4: Like, I kind of want to hear it. 534 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:56,480 Speaker 3: Anyway, I don't have great answers because I think I 535 00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:59,959 Speaker 3: mostly listen to podcasts with women co hosts because we 536 00:27:00,119 --> 00:27:02,199 Speaker 3: gravitate towards hosts that are like a little bit like 537 00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:03,800 Speaker 3: us or in the next phase of life than us, 538 00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:05,560 Speaker 3: And that's just I think natural. 539 00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:07,360 Speaker 4: However, lately, I have. 540 00:27:07,359 --> 00:27:10,600 Speaker 3: Been into Mark Manson's podcast. He's the author of I'm 541 00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:11,920 Speaker 3: not going to use the curse word because this is 542 00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:15,520 Speaker 3: a clean podcast, but the subtle art of not Leap. 543 00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:19,680 Speaker 4: And he wrote that blockbuster book with a. 544 00:27:19,359 --> 00:27:21,760 Speaker 3: Not my favorite title a long time ago, and so 545 00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:24,800 Speaker 3: I didn't like pick his podcast because I love that 546 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:27,000 Speaker 3: concept or that book, but someone else recommended it to me, 547 00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:29,280 Speaker 3: and I'm like, no, I actually really like his tone. 548 00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:32,280 Speaker 3: His vibe is much softer than you might expect with 549 00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:34,879 Speaker 3: that book title. He has a conversational co host, so 550 00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:39,359 Speaker 3: to me, of all the like guy podcasts on my feed, 551 00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:41,520 Speaker 3: I think that would be the one closest. 552 00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:43,480 Speaker 4: But it's still not the same. 553 00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:44,400 Speaker 1: It's not quite the same. 554 00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:46,639 Speaker 2: Yeah, I was going to throw out Joel and Matt 555 00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:51,400 Speaker 2: of How to Money, which again it's not the same topics. 556 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:55,320 Speaker 2: They do three episodes a week on personal finance, so 557 00:27:55,359 --> 00:27:56,920 Speaker 2: if you're not into money, that might get old a 558 00:27:56,920 --> 00:28:02,639 Speaker 2: little soon. But they are dads who are maybe a 559 00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:05,400 Speaker 2: couple years younger than us, but not by much. One 560 00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:07,160 Speaker 2: of them has three kids, one of them has four. 561 00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:10,960 Speaker 2: It just winds up being a lot of their life, right, 562 00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:15,160 Speaker 2: It's like dealing with bringing kid to this and doing 563 00:28:15,240 --> 00:28:17,560 Speaker 2: this with three kids on the weekend while one off 564 00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:18,680 Speaker 2: other is off doing this. 565 00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:19,040 Speaker 1: You know. 566 00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:22,720 Speaker 2: So it has a very similar vibe in that sense 567 00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:27,119 Speaker 2: of two sort of young working fathers and all that 568 00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:31,879 Speaker 2: they wind up juggling. So if people are interested in that, 569 00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:34,119 Speaker 2: I'd suggest listening to them. 570 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:37,480 Speaker 3: They also have similar to us, like an interesting They 571 00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:39,800 Speaker 3: have a good mix of like types of episodes and 572 00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:42,640 Speaker 3: different segments, and sometimes they do interviews and sometimes they don't, 573 00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:44,600 Speaker 3: and they have a very natural banter. So I think 574 00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:47,280 Speaker 3: you're right, they're a good equivalency. 575 00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:48,240 Speaker 1: Yeah, I want to know. 576 00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:49,920 Speaker 3: I want to know if you listen to a lot 577 00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:52,040 Speaker 3: of podcasts or maybe like if you have a male 578 00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:54,120 Speaker 3: partner that listens to a bunch of podcasts, can you 579 00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:55,640 Speaker 3: ask because I kind of want to I want more 580 00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:56,640 Speaker 3: answers to this question. 581 00:28:57,800 --> 00:29:01,080 Speaker 2: Who are the male Laura and Sarah there we want 582 00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:03,240 Speaker 2: to know? All right, Sarah, I have a different question 583 00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:05,959 Speaker 2: for you. Now, do you guys do Valentine's Day? 584 00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:06,560 Speaker 1: In your family? 585 00:29:07,360 --> 00:29:10,360 Speaker 3: We never really like have a special date night, so 586 00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:13,360 Speaker 3: I mean, sadly for the keep it hot side of things, 587 00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:15,800 Speaker 3: it's not like a red letter day in that way 588 00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:18,640 Speaker 3: for us because usually we're both working. 589 00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:20,160 Speaker 4: But I think we've talked about it. 590 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:22,080 Speaker 3: Like we do sling for the family, we always do 591 00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:23,920 Speaker 3: a Valentine's Day treasure hunt, which is like a big 592 00:29:23,960 --> 00:29:25,719 Speaker 3: deal for the kids. We give them clues, they run 593 00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:28,480 Speaker 3: around the house they have to find candy. There's always 594 00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:32,440 Speaker 3: multiple boxes of candy sent to me and also purchased 595 00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:35,720 Speaker 3: by my husband. Sometimes there have been flowers on occasion, 596 00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:38,920 Speaker 3: not always. So, Yeah, I would say we celebrate Valentine's Day, 597 00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:41,760 Speaker 3: but it's not. It's more of a family love fest 598 00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:44,680 Speaker 3: than a couple's love fest for us, the couples. 599 00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:46,400 Speaker 4: One would be more like our anniversary. 600 00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:50,720 Speaker 2: Yeah, so our anniversary of meeting is actually February fifteen. 601 00:29:50,880 --> 00:29:55,160 Speaker 4: Ah, it's both, it's both, but the day. 602 00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:59,239 Speaker 2: After Valentine's Day, interestingly enough, so we do try to 603 00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:03,120 Speaker 2: do something for that to celebrate it. But then it's 604 00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:05,120 Speaker 2: often not on the fourteenth that we're going out. It 605 00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:08,120 Speaker 2: would be the fifteenth, which is actually kind of good 606 00:30:08,160 --> 00:30:10,640 Speaker 2: because then you're not quite as competing with everyone for 607 00:30:11,160 --> 00:30:15,080 Speaker 2: dinner reservations at nice restaurants, which you know, my husband 608 00:30:15,120 --> 00:30:17,520 Speaker 2: had a funny story about this once and he was 609 00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:20,320 Speaker 2: in I don't know, he wasn't even thinking about it. 610 00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:24,400 Speaker 2: Because like February fourteen was like a Tuesday one year. 611 00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:27,360 Speaker 2: This was before we met, and he was just working, 612 00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:29,600 Speaker 2: like he was in some city working, and so he 613 00:30:29,720 --> 00:30:31,800 Speaker 2: had to eat dinner. So he just goes out to 614 00:30:31,840 --> 00:30:34,720 Speaker 2: a restaurant like the next to his hotel, and he's like, wait, why. 615 00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:35,480 Speaker 1: Is everyone here? 616 00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:39,040 Speaker 2: And like these flowers on the table and like couples everywhere. 617 00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:42,760 Speaker 2: He's sitting there by himself on Valentine's Day at this 618 00:30:42,880 --> 00:30:43,640 Speaker 2: nice restaurant. 619 00:30:44,120 --> 00:30:47,080 Speaker 1: So this is year, this is before me. 620 00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:48,720 Speaker 3: Okay, I was like, was he like, oh no, I 621 00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:49,640 Speaker 3: got to text Laura. 622 00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:53,720 Speaker 4: That's too funny. Are going on? 623 00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:56,320 Speaker 3: Anniversary is Labor Day, which is actually not good because 624 00:30:56,760 --> 00:30:58,920 Speaker 3: there's like not a lot of restaurants even open on 625 00:30:59,000 --> 00:30:59,640 Speaker 3: the boom. 626 00:31:00,240 --> 00:31:01,440 Speaker 4: Yeah that's okay. 627 00:31:01,560 --> 00:31:03,400 Speaker 1: Yeah, well so yeah. 628 00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:06,120 Speaker 2: We go ahead that I tend to buy little things 629 00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:08,840 Speaker 2: for the kids, like little presents, but I think I'm 630 00:31:08,840 --> 00:31:11,760 Speaker 2: going to try and be a little bit more proactive 631 00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:13,200 Speaker 2: about it this year. I often there's sort of just 632 00:31:13,240 --> 00:31:15,520 Speaker 2: going to the drug store and getting like a small 633 00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:17,920 Speaker 2: stuffed animal or a thing of candy, but I might 634 00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:22,120 Speaker 2: actually try to choose something they would find more exciting 635 00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:22,760 Speaker 2: and useful. 636 00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:24,600 Speaker 4: Maybe this year. I don't know. Cool. 637 00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:28,000 Speaker 1: I guess I'm still a little We're just coming after Christmas. 638 00:31:29,560 --> 00:31:31,280 Speaker 3: It's a nice I mean, I know people say it's 639 00:31:31,320 --> 00:31:33,680 Speaker 3: a Hallmark holiday or whatever, but like, I don't know, 640 00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:34,880 Speaker 3: it's a love celebration. 641 00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:38,040 Speaker 4: I kind of I liked it. We're the Halloween. 642 00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:41,480 Speaker 2: Well, February has a lot of because that's also President's 643 00:31:41,560 --> 00:31:44,760 Speaker 2: Day weekend. This year is Valentine's Day weekend, so you 644 00:31:44,760 --> 00:31:48,520 Speaker 2: can celebrate President's Day and Valentine's Day. Maybe if you 645 00:31:48,600 --> 00:31:52,520 Speaker 2: celebrate to Groundhog Day earlier in the month, all sorts 646 00:31:52,520 --> 00:31:57,480 Speaker 2: of festival festivals. Exactly, exactly, all right, Love of the week, Sarah, 647 00:31:57,600 --> 00:31:58,560 Speaker 2: what do you have this week? 648 00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:00,960 Speaker 3: Well, I decided to go with the theme. I'm going 649 00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:03,920 Speaker 3: with sex Lives of College Girls. Love that show in 650 00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:06,960 Speaker 3: the middle of watching season three. Yeah, it's a lot 651 00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:07,280 Speaker 3: of fun. 652 00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:09,280 Speaker 1: Well, I'm going to go with live sports. 653 00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:12,800 Speaker 2: So longtime listeners know that one of my goals for 654 00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:15,080 Speaker 2: the year for twenty twenty five was to go to 655 00:32:15,160 --> 00:32:19,760 Speaker 2: three live professional sports events, go to the Sixers, the Eagles, 656 00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:23,400 Speaker 2: and the Phillies. Thanks to the Eagles being in the playoffs, 657 00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:26,600 Speaker 2: we have actually done two out of three already with 658 00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:29,480 Speaker 2: the Sixers are in their season right now, and the 659 00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:33,719 Speaker 2: Eagles season got extended for a ways that will all 660 00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:37,280 Speaker 2: be over by now when this airs. But this is 661 00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:40,480 Speaker 2: kind of fun to do as a date night to 662 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:44,240 Speaker 2: go to a professional sport event. If you are in 663 00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:48,120 Speaker 2: a big city, because it's a new experience, you probably 664 00:32:48,120 --> 00:32:50,400 Speaker 2: don't go to that many of them. It's different from 665 00:32:50,440 --> 00:32:54,880 Speaker 2: going out to dinner, you know, So looking to change 666 00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:57,960 Speaker 2: things up a little bit, I would recommend that as 667 00:32:58,160 --> 00:33:01,880 Speaker 2: a date night. And if you're into sports, if you 668 00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:04,080 Speaker 2: have a male partner who happens to like sports, that 669 00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:06,280 Speaker 2: might be something that they might be even more excited 670 00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:08,360 Speaker 2: about doing than a lot of other. 671 00:33:08,400 --> 00:33:11,360 Speaker 1: Date night possibilities. So yeah, throw that out there as 672 00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:11,840 Speaker 1: an idea. 673 00:33:12,160 --> 00:33:14,040 Speaker 4: Love it, love it all? 674 00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:16,440 Speaker 2: Right? Well, this has been best of both worlds. We've 675 00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:18,960 Speaker 2: been talking about how to keep it hot as we 676 00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:21,720 Speaker 2: come into Valentine's Day this week. We will be back 677 00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:24,360 Speaker 2: next week with more on making work and life fit together. 678 00:33:26,440 --> 00:33:27,320 Speaker 4: Thanks for listening. 679 00:33:27,520 --> 00:33:30,600 Speaker 3: You can find me Sarah at the shoebox dot com 680 00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:34,680 Speaker 3: or at the Underscore Shoebox on Instagram, and you can. 681 00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:38,800 Speaker 1: Find me Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. This has 682 00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:41,040 Speaker 1: been the best of both worlds podcasts. 683 00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:44,200 Speaker 2: Please join us next time for more on making work 684 00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:45,560 Speaker 2: and life work together.